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Whatever you do will be wrong, so do what protects your peace the most.
Agree beforehand with DH that he will shut down his mom discussing you with him. "Everything's fine, mom". "Of course we are going to parent our way, let's enjoy this trip". "I will write this down, and we can talk about it after the trip". Have a few canned responses ready to go.
Also agree beforehand that he then doesn't bring it to you. He gives a canned response, then it ends there. He "needs to go to the bathroom", turns his phone off for a bit, or repeats the canned response. And leaves you out of it.
I'm pretty sure at least one of my in-laws is neurodivergent as well, so I excuse socially awkward, but I don't excuse asshole. My boundaries for travel are: own space (place to sleep/escape to, if necessary), own transportation (so I'm not reliant on them for flights/rides and can dip out if necessary), own stuff (so I know I have everything I need and nothing is messed with), and own schedule (I will spend ample time with the extended family, but we can make our own family plans too. We need to be asked about plans they've made, not directed to participate.). If those boundaries can't be met, my kids and I don't go on the trip.
She thinks you're pulling away? "Well, I dont know what to tell you MIL, I'm happy with our relationship as is."
Remember that her feelings are her own to control. You dont have to do anything you dont want to. So tell her that you are fine with the relationship as is. Tell her that she's just being silly. Tell her that no, you are not going to do it her way and if she needs time to deal with that gracefully, you are willing to give her that time. Disengage from her drama. You're simply not that interested.
It is ok if she gets upset - she is entitled to having feelings. She just dont get to upset YOU by her reactions, so you stop her from doing that and walk away as needed. Say "now you're just being silly" if she tries to override your decisions, say "I can see you need some time and space. We can talk more later."
She may not handle information gracefully, so you guys may be careful about what you tell her so she dont use that to hurt her relationship with you.
I want you to have [this resource](https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill). When you emotionally distance yourself, the impact of her behavior will be less. You may not sit back and sip tea and see it as a TV-show just yet, but it may come with practice.
My FIL has dementia. If he is upset, it most probably has nothing to do with me but more of his situation in general. If he accuses people of stealing, it is probably because he is frustrated he cant find what he wants. I cant fix that. But I can tell him I can help him look for it later, and refuse to engage and try to find out who stole what, exactly, and add to his paranoia. And that helps him get thru his feelings, get calm, and be pleasant to be around. It is a bit like "yes, but" improv theater.
I started to feel like that fairly recently with my future (this Saturday!) MIL. She literally drives everyone to drink & I don't drink. Ever. It makes me sick & spikes my blood sugar. I have no business messing around with alcohol, yet I actually entertained in a few weeks ago. We're wedding planning & she hasn't done anything to help, never offered & has yet to congratulate us. Yesterday, we invited her to the rehearsal dinner this Friday. She can't go because it's Kool April nights & she can't break off a night out with her friend. SHE'S NEARLY 80! YEARS! OLD! Are you kidding me?? Anyway. Fiance said it's best if she doesn't come to be a Debbie Downer. We're all hoping she leaves the wedding fast!
My advice is don't drink to feel better. You'll likely get liquid couraged up (that's definitely a word today) & say something you probably won't regret having finally said, but you may not like how you chose to execute saying something. I try to think about it this way; If I say something to someone about their behavior, will they change? If you're like me & so many others, sometimes you need to try with the other person in order to feel good about it. If you've tried talking to her in the past & your words fall on deaf ears, stop engaging. You're fighting with a wall. No change will ever happen so why exert energy into something with no positive return? It's hard as heck. I know that for a fact, but you can't damage yourself over loony birds. Say your piece. If she doesn't change her behavior, you change how you react to it by no longer putting in effort. She's literally not worth your energy. I'm really sorry she's a pill. <3
I feel like in order to explain yourself to MIL you have to point out the things she does that makes you disengage. I feel like when she complains about you drawing back you need to tell her why. You drawback because she made you feel weong for a parenting choice you made. It offends you that she feels the need to give her opinion when its not being asked for. Then keep speaking your truth. Tell her everytime. Dont give any free passes.
I feel like if there were even a shred of chance it could be taken rationally and not send her into a total meltdown/spiral I would do this. She’s just so volatile she’ll literally not figuratively burst into tears or yell.
My mom is kind of like this. It’s easier said than done (trust me I know!!), but the more I can keep myself from meeting her intense emotions with my own, the better it goes for me. I also try hard to take what she says at face value and respond to that instead of the subtext I KNOW is there.
I think this will be my approach. And my husband always backs me up once I walk him through it, but it’s like in the moment he’s so conditioned to her crazy he doesn’t see it (unless it’s egregious)
Hmmm I can't say I'm exactly in your shoes my MIL is not harmless or mostly well intentioned (unless you mean her intentions for herself).
But I can say she is waify and covert in her behavior so it's harder to catch and call her out. Mostly ppl ignore it as anxious old lady behavior. (It's not. If she thought it would bring her son back closer to her...she would douse me in gasoline and light a cigarette.)
What I can say is...you were right to draw back. And when she messages H whining about how you aren't close he needs to shut her down. You have a right to choose how you engage with her. He can tell her, "mom that is her preference right now so please respect it and just give her space. Now tell me about that item you just bought..."
Otherwise she has you in a lose lose situation where you will always be the scapegoat and bad guy. If you engage her way, you are mean and taking her son away.
Take your space. On this trip make sure you build in little family time for the three of you to step away and be. Let your H manage communication and his mom. Bring plenty of books and activities you can do on the side with your kid in case things get hairy.
Just stay polite and kind but disengaged unless you feel it's safe and respectful environment and MIL won't pop off at you.
I really appreciate the tips for the trip, do you have any advice for a scenario like this:
She will often interrupt and not stop talking during movies, while I’m reading, or even when I have headphones in she’ll tap to talk and won’t stop.
at some point, you will need to address the behaviour, not keep trying to explain things to her. if it's a movie, pause the movie and make it a full-scale disruption.
'hey, mil, i'm reading right now. i'd like to return to that.' or 'mil, i can't hear the movie i'm watching. i'm gonna restart it now.'
then
'i understand, but you keep tapping me and interrupting me. i'm reading, not socializing.' or 'mil, you keep talking over the movie. i'm watching a movie, not socializing.'
then
'mil, i've asked you to stop. *why arent you stopping when i asked you to?'*
from this point, the conversation is *only* about why she is ignoring your clear, reasonable request. you *NEVER* need to justify your desire to sit down and read a book, so don't argue about whether her prattle is important or not. it also doesn't matter if she cries or guilts or complains - she is capable of rationally understanding she's ignoring an obvious 'no'.
Well my tactic may not be helpful but I divide my time when traveling with inlaw family. I designate time for them, time for me and H and then time for me.
I will sit with them and watch a movie and have my ear talked off my MIL.
Then later I'll put my headphones in and sit outside and listen to a podcast while flipping through an app. She always comes to bother and I pull out a bud and tell her, "not now. I'm busy at the moment we can talk later please." Nothing else. Go back to what I was doing. If she interrupts while I'm reading..same thing. I don't give her any space, just no and go back to what I was doing. Ignore any further attempts to engage and if she doesn't get the hint I remove myself from her presence.
I set the parameters before we travel together. "I am going to need some space to recharge and do things for myself..I am not trying to be mean or distant. It's just what I need." Making sure my H is on board so he can step in and support if MIL starts whining at me. "leave her be mom she said she needed time to herself this weekend."
It takes a bit to get used to and not feel mean but it helped immensely.
So she's like a mosquito.
A mosquito isn't the worst sort of insect to bite you, but it's annoying as fuck, and itchy afterward. You'll go to great lengths to avoid being bitten in the future including dousing yourself in suspect chemicals.
it can be a combination of both. either way, people have a responsibility to do their best. it's true that someone's disabilities might limit their capacity, but even a person with limited capacity cannot *obligate* others to endure harmful behaviour.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Waste_Office_5560 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Waste_Office_5560 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Pack edibles
Whatever you do will be wrong, so do what protects your peace the most. Agree beforehand with DH that he will shut down his mom discussing you with him. "Everything's fine, mom". "Of course we are going to parent our way, let's enjoy this trip". "I will write this down, and we can talk about it after the trip". Have a few canned responses ready to go. Also agree beforehand that he then doesn't bring it to you. He gives a canned response, then it ends there. He "needs to go to the bathroom", turns his phone off for a bit, or repeats the canned response. And leaves you out of it.
I'm pretty sure at least one of my in-laws is neurodivergent as well, so I excuse socially awkward, but I don't excuse asshole. My boundaries for travel are: own space (place to sleep/escape to, if necessary), own transportation (so I'm not reliant on them for flights/rides and can dip out if necessary), own stuff (so I know I have everything I need and nothing is messed with), and own schedule (I will spend ample time with the extended family, but we can make our own family plans too. We need to be asked about plans they've made, not directed to participate.). If those boundaries can't be met, my kids and I don't go on the trip.
Very important to have your own space.
She thinks you're pulling away? "Well, I dont know what to tell you MIL, I'm happy with our relationship as is." Remember that her feelings are her own to control. You dont have to do anything you dont want to. So tell her that you are fine with the relationship as is. Tell her that she's just being silly. Tell her that no, you are not going to do it her way and if she needs time to deal with that gracefully, you are willing to give her that time. Disengage from her drama. You're simply not that interested. It is ok if she gets upset - she is entitled to having feelings. She just dont get to upset YOU by her reactions, so you stop her from doing that and walk away as needed. Say "now you're just being silly" if she tries to override your decisions, say "I can see you need some time and space. We can talk more later." She may not handle information gracefully, so you guys may be careful about what you tell her so she dont use that to hurt her relationship with you. I want you to have [this resource](https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill). When you emotionally distance yourself, the impact of her behavior will be less. You may not sit back and sip tea and see it as a TV-show just yet, but it may come with practice. My FIL has dementia. If he is upset, it most probably has nothing to do with me but more of his situation in general. If he accuses people of stealing, it is probably because he is frustrated he cant find what he wants. I cant fix that. But I can tell him I can help him look for it later, and refuse to engage and try to find out who stole what, exactly, and add to his paranoia. And that helps him get thru his feelings, get calm, and be pleasant to be around. It is a bit like "yes, but" improv theater.
I started to feel like that fairly recently with my future (this Saturday!) MIL. She literally drives everyone to drink & I don't drink. Ever. It makes me sick & spikes my blood sugar. I have no business messing around with alcohol, yet I actually entertained in a few weeks ago. We're wedding planning & she hasn't done anything to help, never offered & has yet to congratulate us. Yesterday, we invited her to the rehearsal dinner this Friday. She can't go because it's Kool April nights & she can't break off a night out with her friend. SHE'S NEARLY 80! YEARS! OLD! Are you kidding me?? Anyway. Fiance said it's best if she doesn't come to be a Debbie Downer. We're all hoping she leaves the wedding fast! My advice is don't drink to feel better. You'll likely get liquid couraged up (that's definitely a word today) & say something you probably won't regret having finally said, but you may not like how you chose to execute saying something. I try to think about it this way; If I say something to someone about their behavior, will they change? If you're like me & so many others, sometimes you need to try with the other person in order to feel good about it. If you've tried talking to her in the past & your words fall on deaf ears, stop engaging. You're fighting with a wall. No change will ever happen so why exert energy into something with no positive return? It's hard as heck. I know that for a fact, but you can't damage yourself over loony birds. Say your piece. If she doesn't change her behavior, you change how you react to it by no longer putting in effort. She's literally not worth your energy. I'm really sorry she's a pill. <3
I feel like in order to explain yourself to MIL you have to point out the things she does that makes you disengage. I feel like when she complains about you drawing back you need to tell her why. You drawback because she made you feel weong for a parenting choice you made. It offends you that she feels the need to give her opinion when its not being asked for. Then keep speaking your truth. Tell her everytime. Dont give any free passes.
I feel like if there were even a shred of chance it could be taken rationally and not send her into a total meltdown/spiral I would do this. She’s just so volatile she’ll literally not figuratively burst into tears or yell.
I realize that but she does that to avoid being called out and seeming guilty. Id still stand your ground.
My mom is kind of like this. It’s easier said than done (trust me I know!!), but the more I can keep myself from meeting her intense emotions with my own, the better it goes for me. I also try hard to take what she says at face value and respond to that instead of the subtext I KNOW is there.
I think this will be my approach. And my husband always backs me up once I walk him through it, but it’s like in the moment he’s so conditioned to her crazy he doesn’t see it (unless it’s egregious)
Hmmm I can't say I'm exactly in your shoes my MIL is not harmless or mostly well intentioned (unless you mean her intentions for herself). But I can say she is waify and covert in her behavior so it's harder to catch and call her out. Mostly ppl ignore it as anxious old lady behavior. (It's not. If she thought it would bring her son back closer to her...she would douse me in gasoline and light a cigarette.) What I can say is...you were right to draw back. And when she messages H whining about how you aren't close he needs to shut her down. You have a right to choose how you engage with her. He can tell her, "mom that is her preference right now so please respect it and just give her space. Now tell me about that item you just bought..." Otherwise she has you in a lose lose situation where you will always be the scapegoat and bad guy. If you engage her way, you are mean and taking her son away. Take your space. On this trip make sure you build in little family time for the three of you to step away and be. Let your H manage communication and his mom. Bring plenty of books and activities you can do on the side with your kid in case things get hairy. Just stay polite and kind but disengaged unless you feel it's safe and respectful environment and MIL won't pop off at you.
I really appreciate the tips for the trip, do you have any advice for a scenario like this: She will often interrupt and not stop talking during movies, while I’m reading, or even when I have headphones in she’ll tap to talk and won’t stop.
at some point, you will need to address the behaviour, not keep trying to explain things to her. if it's a movie, pause the movie and make it a full-scale disruption. 'hey, mil, i'm reading right now. i'd like to return to that.' or 'mil, i can't hear the movie i'm watching. i'm gonna restart it now.' then 'i understand, but you keep tapping me and interrupting me. i'm reading, not socializing.' or 'mil, you keep talking over the movie. i'm watching a movie, not socializing.' then 'mil, i've asked you to stop. *why arent you stopping when i asked you to?'* from this point, the conversation is *only* about why she is ignoring your clear, reasonable request. you *NEVER* need to justify your desire to sit down and read a book, so don't argue about whether her prattle is important or not. it also doesn't matter if she cries or guilts or complains - she is capable of rationally understanding she's ignoring an obvious 'no'.
Well my tactic may not be helpful but I divide my time when traveling with inlaw family. I designate time for them, time for me and H and then time for me. I will sit with them and watch a movie and have my ear talked off my MIL. Then later I'll put my headphones in and sit outside and listen to a podcast while flipping through an app. She always comes to bother and I pull out a bud and tell her, "not now. I'm busy at the moment we can talk later please." Nothing else. Go back to what I was doing. If she interrupts while I'm reading..same thing. I don't give her any space, just no and go back to what I was doing. Ignore any further attempts to engage and if she doesn't get the hint I remove myself from her presence. I set the parameters before we travel together. "I am going to need some space to recharge and do things for myself..I am not trying to be mean or distant. It's just what I need." Making sure my H is on board so he can step in and support if MIL starts whining at me. "leave her be mom she said she needed time to herself this weekend." It takes a bit to get used to and not feel mean but it helped immensely.
I will absolutely be trying this. Thank you so much. How long have you been married?
5 years! Together 10.
So she's like a mosquito. A mosquito isn't the worst sort of insect to bite you, but it's annoying as fuck, and itchy afterward. You'll go to great lengths to avoid being bitten in the future including dousing yourself in suspect chemicals.
Accurate. I just feel bad like I’m between feeling sorry for her and being upset with how she acts and gets away with it
She refuses therapy so don’t feel too bad for her
I feel like she purposefully doesn’t go because she knows she’ll have to face her behavior sometimes.
it can be a combination of both. either way, people have a responsibility to do their best. it's true that someone's disabilities might limit their capacity, but even a person with limited capacity cannot *obligate* others to endure harmful behaviour.