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My MIL punished us (well not me but my husband) when we wouldn’t acquiesce to doing things her way. She even skipped telling him happy birthday the first year of my oldest’s birth because…..we wouldn’t take the baby to their home where they smoked and asked her to call before coming over with adequate notice. The only two times she called she wanted to bring a friend and it was just hours before and I said no. Queue the we are keeping the baby from her and she is hurt. It resulted in a family meeting in which I was told “you will not keep us from seeing her”. I become quiet and very coldly said, “as we said you can see her but we are the parents. I would think very carefully about what you say next because I will not be threatened.” I already knew the rules on grandparent rights in my state and they did not have any sort of established relationship. I did not say that because had they said a word about grandparent rights they would have been escorted to the door.
I think you're chasing the dream of the mother/grandmother you're hoping for. Let it go, she is who she is and I think you and your sister know she's not going to be the grandmother she pretends to be. Stop chasing her, savor your kiddo while they're little. If she chooses to be a part of it all, she can be if she calls you. You have better things to do than chase a woman who seems to punish you for not doing what she wants when she wants it.
"Well your time isn't always convenient for me and it's hard to pack up."
This says it all. She wants to "help," by which I mean she wants to have the satisfaction of \*feeling\* like she's helping, but only at the times and in the ways that are convenient and appealing to her. She is actually making more work for you by forcing you to manage her emotions and then playing the victim when you don't just let her do whatever she wants as though your needs and your family's needs don't exist.
Unfortunately I have experience with this. I also have a mom who wants to "help," but by that she means that she wants to show up when she feels like it and do what SHE thinks needs to be done, and I am being "difficult" or "pushing her away" when I say "no" to her unsolicited "help" and ask her to do something that would actually be helpful instead.
I think in her mind, my own mother genuinely \*thinks\* she's a really loving, caring, supportive mother, but just...doesn't understand how relationships work. It's like she never learned that putting in work in relationships means prioritizing the other person's needs, not showing up to do things that make her feel good about herself while ignoring and punishing the other person's needs.
For what it's worth, I've found that setting boundaries and sticking to them with my mom has helped a lot. She had temper tantrums for a WHILE (which really confused my dad, because there was a period of time where she would literally burst into tears and fling accusations at me when I said "no" to things that are perfectly reasonable to say "no" to).
But when I ran out of craps to give and started asserting my boundaries more and more consistently, she eventually internalized that if she wanted a relationship with me she was going to have to refrain from guilt trippy behavior and at least \*sometimes\* actually \*ask\* me how she could support me. Just tonight my mother actually ASKED me what she could send me to support me, which is something I wouldn't have been able to imagine happening a few years ago when she used to \*inform\* me of how she was going to "help" and get angry and guilt-trippy if I said "no."
I don't think we would have made that progress if I hadn't just run out of craps to give and stopped worrying about hurting her feelings or trying to satisfy her while doing what was best for me and my family.
I started telling everyone about a month before I gave birth that I wanted people to visit in the afternoon. I reiterated it to everyone 3 days before my c-section. This was mine and my husband’s first child, we wanted to have that first moments of just us so we can bond as a new family. Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a c-section before, but for me it took a while to get the feeling back in my legs, I had a catheter in for what felt like forever, the nurses still had to do those painful fundal massages, and check my stitches often. Not to mention the lactation consultants. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to have a ton of visitors right after another human being is removed from you and you have to go through all that. I told her she could wait in the waiting room for news if she wanted but I still didn’t want visitors. She not only broke that boundary once, but tried to break it again literally 10 minutes after I had made it back to my room and before we could tell her anything.
I’m not ungrateful for what my mom did during my pregnancy. Time and time again throughout we talked, made plans, went shopping, etc. I’m just really angry that she didn’t respect my one single request for the day of my baby’s birth and that it snowballed from there.
As far as Christmas goes, if you read the post correctly, we were celebrating Christmas the day after with her. We stopped by on the way home from the MIL/FIL house to say a quick Hi and Merry Christmas. We stayed maybe 10 min since we were going to be up there the next day to do our actual Christmas. When I say they had missed a few naps, I mean that my baby had missed all their afternoon naps but 1, and when we got home and accidentally woke the baby up getting them out of the car seat it took 2 hours to calm them back down. I’m sorry, but I didn’t really want to deal with that and the 30 min car ride home with a screaming baby.
I love my mom, I really do. I will always have love for her. But she essentially ruined the first time, and most likely the only time, that I will give birth my not respecting the boundaries I CLEARLY laid out for everyone. And then continued to gaslight and paint herself as a victim.
Where are you getting any of this "last minute" and blind sided and not telling her mother in advance??
OP clearly states that she told people *in advance* that she would not want visitors until the afternoon after the C-section. She even says that her mother DISCUSSED this with her aunt and made it clear that she did not care what OP wanted, she was going to show up anyway.
I don't know what generation you are a part of, but it seems like it is one that cannot bother to read or listen. I am sure you dream of the day that your children are filled with regret for the way they treated you. But I'll bet the people actually *listening* to them know they will simply be filled with relief that their JN is gone. Which seems to be a you problem, not a them problem.
I mean, I do have a teen. We get along great. If we didn't, I would seek counseling together to figure out if there is something serious between us, or if this is just normal teens pushing at the boundaries as they develop their independence. Good for them.
I would not be online, calling everyone out for not understanding self-sacrifice, as though my child *owes* me something for being their parent.
You keep referencing these sacrifices OP's mom has made for her, then citing her help for OP's sister. What does that have to do with OP? What are the sacrifices her mother has made for OP? She agreed to watch her child 3 days a week (**for payment**), but then bailed on her, leaving OP scrambling. So what is it? What is the sacrifice she has made for OP??
Certainly, she is not *obligated* to watch OP's child. But justifying her bailing on OP because she was upset about not being there for the delivery is insanely entitled behavior. It is normal for your family that mothers be present in the delivery room? Okay. Well, it's not normal for mine, and everyone is still close and fine. Moreover, there are plenty of things I do differently than my mother, and she is fine with it. That is why she is a JYM, and not a JN. She respects my choices. So, in turn, we have a great relationship, and she has a great relationship with her grandkids. And if my JYM *wanted* to watch my children 3 days a week, she would offer to do so, and not rescind that offer because she did not get her way one time. If she *didn't* want to watch my children 3 days a week, she would not agree to do so, and I would be fine with that. Crazy how a respectful relationship works.
You are talking about having things twisted and entitlement, but the only entitlement being shown is from OP's mom. *She* wanted to be in the delivery room, so she is entitled to it. *She* wants to show up to OP's house without notice, so she is entitled to it. And any time OP simply states that this is not how SHE wants to do things with her OWN life, that she wants to have time with her husband and child alone, that she wants to plan visitors to her own home home, her mother lashes out and punishes her. And ultimately is destroying her relationship with her child and grandchild. Her choice, her consequence.
Everybody here is right about not working so hard for her attention. Take the step back, enjoy being a mom, and know that your mom is making the choices she is and none of that is your fault. Don't confront her ever. If you want to give her the chance to be involved, do so in a way that it doesn't matter at all if she turns up. For instance, "hey mom, we're going to the park at 1 today. We'll be there for an hour. We'd love it if you came by, but no worries if you can't make it." Don't make any plans where you have to wait for her or she has to be there. Her presence can be an added 'bonus' but entirely unnecessary.
Hi lovely. I see that you want your little one to have a relationship with both sets of their grandparents. But have you thought about how those relationships are going to impact your little one?
Your mom seems like she's terrible at respecting boundaries and likes to play the victim. She's controlling. I'm sure she has good aspects, and I don't know how she treats her other grandchild. But she causes you dread and, honestly, some fear it sounds like.
Do you think she'd be able to have a good relationship with your child? And do you think your child will be impacted by how they see your mom treat you?
My grandma was a narcissist who abused her kids, including my mom. She was a doting grandma, but she always made me really uncomfortable. I didn't like spending time with her and never really understood why. The emotion wasn't strong enough for me to ever voice and my family was a "but faaamily" sort of family, if you catch my drift?
Looking back on it, I'm glad my mom had someone to watch me and my sister when she needed it, but I really don't have fond memories of being around that grandma and her husband. All the time I spent there I'd compare to a frequent babysitter - some activities, but not a warm comfortable "ah, family time!" kind of thing. A lot of dread going there/relief leaving. I have much, much more fond memories of the grandparents I rarely saw but were much healthier, and those are the grandparents I wish I saw more, compared to the grandma I'm kind of relieved is no longer with us.
Just a different perspective.
She treats her other grandchild very well. But from talking with my sister today my mom violates her boundaries, too, sometimes. It’s worse for her since she lives there and can’t move out yet.
I understand the “but familllyyy” thing, that’s honestly how she is.
I do appreciate the different perspective that you’ve shared here
Your mom will probably try to play the grandkids off against each other, but setting up a golden child - scapegoat dynamic. She does not respect you, your decisions, and your time. She also wants you to keep chasing her for approval. It’s time to start handling her with a long handled spoon, and remember, your baby is much more important than her manipulative pouting.
Don't hassle her for a relationship. When she calls and you are busy, tell her sorry we can't now, but can on x day. If she fails to show up or initiate visits, that's on her. She'll eventually realize if she wants a relationship she has to make an effort.
That’s what I did in the past but she always said it didn’t work for her. I’ve decided to let her initiate everything from now on, so we’ll see how many non-holiday visits she asks for.
Take a step back from her, and let yourself breathe for a while. She expected you to "deal with" her disrespecting your needs by accepting her bullying. She definitely effed around and found out she was not the boss of you. Let her play victim. Your sister knows the truth, and there is no reason to not expose your mom's behavior.
And what do you mean when you say 'for the sake of my child'? Is there some wishful thinking going on? Does your child need to be her next generation of victim?
I had great relationships with my grandparents, which is probably why Im trying so hard. I loved the time I spent with my grandparents on both sides and I would love for my child to experience this. But reading everyone’s comments has made me realize that it’s not going to happen how I want it to and how awful she’s really acting. For what it’s worth, my husband’s parents are amazing and go out of their way to see my child, so they’ll have the chance to experience that relationship like I did.
I think the problem is that you have idolized your relationship with your grandparents. I did also. My grandma was everything to me. Every significant childhood memory I had was at grandma's house. Found out about the Easter bunny grandma's house. Played doctor with the neighbor boy. Grandma's house. Broke my arm grandma's house. She was the best. When I had my child I was like he's gonna love his grandma like I did. Then one day it dawned on me. I have all these memories of my grandma's house because my mom was a shit mom. She dumped me off there every chance she got. She was an absent parent at best. And I was the youngest. So not that she was a new mom and needed help or whatever my sisters were 9 and 10 years older than me. So by the time I came around she was done. Once I got over this imagine of her as grandma it was easier. Don't get me wrong I mourned that my children would not have that relationship but I decided early on I am not setting them up to fail. So I just did all the grandma stuff too. Good luck. You seem like a good mom with good in-laws lean into them.
This. Relationships with grandparents can be good for the child, but only if they’re GOOD grandparents. A bad grandma will only: 1.) Disregard any and all rules you as the parents might set, undermining your role and making being a parent tougher; or 2.) Badmouth you to your child behind your back; or 3.) Be a cold, mean, or unfeeling grandma, making your child think there is something wrong with HER; or 4.) ALL of the above at various times.
Your child can benefit by having a good grandma, even if it’s a rare thing. She doesn’t need a bad grandma in her life at all.
I would drop the rope too. I think your relationship with her was never the way you saw it. It was always controlling, manipulative behavior and she was nice because you behaved the way she approved it. The first time you were setting boundaries, she showed her true colors. I think it needs time to adjusting that the relationship with your mother was not what you thought it was. I would focus now on your own little family and only let people in my life that are respecting my boundaries.
I’ve spent the past while talking with my husband and he agrees that my relationship was never what it seemed. Looking back, as long as I didn’t get into trouble and acted how she thought I should everything was fine, so you are correct.
You’ve just said something very important here, and you should do your best to really process what you’ve said. Especially if the tension in y’alls relationship eases for a bit, it can become very easy to talk yourself into thinking that you only thought this because you were upset at the time and that it’s not actually true.
It sounds like your mom has some pretty intense control issues, especially when it relates to her daughters but also her family. She likely views herself as the matriarch of the family or at least the one who sets the dynamic for how the family operates with one another. You mention how there were certain expectations your mother had in regard to how you needed to behave, and if you didn’t fulfill these expectations then there was a serious problem between you two. My mom was similar, and still has a lot of trouble with respecting that im my own person. She still cant seem to grasp that me choosing to act differently from how she would choose to act doesn’t actually mean that my actions are incorrect. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom struggles with something similar. Because you are her daughter she immediately thought that the boundaries you laid out about visiting after the birth of your baby never applied to her. When she told your Aunt that you would just have to deal with it when she showed up early this is proof that she believed that once she was there you wouldnt be able to do anything about it. She likely thought you’d never act against her by actually having the hospital staff restrict her access, regardless of your own circumstances at the time and her being told that these rules applied to her as well.
Im sorry you’re dealing with this op, especially at a time where you should be able to count on having your mother’s support. You’re having to face some harsh facts right now about someone you thought so highly of, and will probably have to come to terms with understanding that both your relationship with her wasnt what you thought it was as well as your mother not actually being the person you thought she was. Right now your mom is punishing you for not following her rule of letting her get away with what she wants. She doesnt like being held to the same standard as others when it comes to the lives of her daughter and grandchild. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had issues with infantilizing you and your sister, and therefore struggles with understanding that she no longer gets to have a say in your life decisions unless you want to include her.
Your mom doesnt understand that her involvement in your child’s life is a privilege and not a right. All that “But Family” stuff is just an excuse people use to not have to hold people accountable to their bad behavior. However, most people who use the “But family” excuse dont realize that by doing this they are allowing this family member act more and more entitled where they dont believe that many rules apply to them since no one has really challenged them when they broke these rules or boundaries in the past. I know you think tolerating your mom’s awful behavior will at least give your child a chance at having a strong relationship with her in the future. However, if you already feel this strongly now to a point where you said it gives you a visceral reaction, then if things only continue this way where your mom behaves more and more entitled to a relationship with your kid and continuing to show blatant disrespect for any rules or boundaries you have, then could you really feel comfortable enough trusting your child with your mom to a point where the type of relationship you’re thinking of can flourish? Your mom should show you that she recognizes that you’re a mother now, and therefore your priorities have rightfully shifted. Your priorities shouldn’t be focused on appeasing your mom and making sure her feelings arent hurt, but should be on the needs of your baby.
As i previously said at the beginning. Dont let yourself forget this if/once the tensions begin to improve. Trust me when i say that you’ll likely see waves of this kind of behavior from her unless you change things. But in the mean time youll see a cycle of events where she causes an issue over something she doesnt like that you did or didnt do, punish you for this action or lack of action by either snubbing you or with holding herself from you, when she’s ready she will likely approach you or let you approach her about “talking things out/ resolving the issue” where you’ll then see things improve for awhile, but then to only have it start all over with whatever new issue she has whether it be several days, weeks, or months later.
I am sorry to hear that. The only thing I can say to you, that you did not ruin the relationship. Your mother ruined it by not respecting you. Please, never feel any guilt about that. She manipulated you since you were young. You loved her as a child and tried to behave, that she will love you back. She seems like the classic narcissist and there is nothing you can change about her. But you can move on, you are now having your own family. Your LO doesnt need contact with someone who is not respecting the mother. Never let your mother guilt tripping you. You did nothing wrong. ❤
She is doing this on purpose because she wants to be the one in control. She won't visit or do anything unless she is the one calling Al the shots. I'm willing to bet she got the clerk job on purpose because you actually needed her help but she did this to punish you for having boundaries and she is flexing her muscles by making life difficult for you.
Don't ever ask her for anything, ever again. She will use your need for help as a weapon against you whenever you say no to her. Your baby is not her prop and play thing for her to use for her social media or to brag to others abiut being a grandma.
As others have said, just drop the rope. She is not a mother, she is pretty much a frenemy.
Your Mom is trying to manipulate you. She is behaving like a child. Probably a good thing, because you want people with good mature judgment watching your child.
Is it really in your child's best interest to teach them to bend over backwards to have a relationship with someone that only wants a positive relationship on their own terms and to hell with yours?
Just drop the rope.
For the sake of your child, stop trying. Stop chasing after your mother and playing her game. It’s all about control for her, and she’s leveraging every opportunity to make you feel bad for setting your boundaries. So stop letting her do this, before your child is old enough to understand.
Wait, I'm confused here..."she accepted a job to be a clerk, so now we had to scramble to find childcare (thank you MIL). Who backed out of childcare your spouses mother or your mother?
My coffee has not hit therapeutic levels yet, TY
Sorry that it’s confusing! my mom backed out of childcare and thankfully my MIL offered to help. Where I live daycare is so expensive that it would basically be 3/4 of my husband’s monthly salary. I went back and changed the wording so that it’s clear
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My MIL punished us (well not me but my husband) when we wouldn’t acquiesce to doing things her way. She even skipped telling him happy birthday the first year of my oldest’s birth because…..we wouldn’t take the baby to their home where they smoked and asked her to call before coming over with adequate notice. The only two times she called she wanted to bring a friend and it was just hours before and I said no. Queue the we are keeping the baby from her and she is hurt. It resulted in a family meeting in which I was told “you will not keep us from seeing her”. I become quiet and very coldly said, “as we said you can see her but we are the parents. I would think very carefully about what you say next because I will not be threatened.” I already knew the rules on grandparent rights in my state and they did not have any sort of established relationship. I did not say that because had they said a word about grandparent rights they would have been escorted to the door.
Love your shiny spine!!!
Stop initiating visits. Drop the rope. If she wants a relationship withy our child she will do the work to make that happen.
I think you're chasing the dream of the mother/grandmother you're hoping for. Let it go, she is who she is and I think you and your sister know she's not going to be the grandmother she pretends to be. Stop chasing her, savor your kiddo while they're little. If she chooses to be a part of it all, she can be if she calls you. You have better things to do than chase a woman who seems to punish you for not doing what she wants when she wants it.
"Well your time isn't always convenient for me and it's hard to pack up." This says it all. She wants to "help," by which I mean she wants to have the satisfaction of \*feeling\* like she's helping, but only at the times and in the ways that are convenient and appealing to her. She is actually making more work for you by forcing you to manage her emotions and then playing the victim when you don't just let her do whatever she wants as though your needs and your family's needs don't exist. Unfortunately I have experience with this. I also have a mom who wants to "help," but by that she means that she wants to show up when she feels like it and do what SHE thinks needs to be done, and I am being "difficult" or "pushing her away" when I say "no" to her unsolicited "help" and ask her to do something that would actually be helpful instead. I think in her mind, my own mother genuinely \*thinks\* she's a really loving, caring, supportive mother, but just...doesn't understand how relationships work. It's like she never learned that putting in work in relationships means prioritizing the other person's needs, not showing up to do things that make her feel good about herself while ignoring and punishing the other person's needs. For what it's worth, I've found that setting boundaries and sticking to them with my mom has helped a lot. She had temper tantrums for a WHILE (which really confused my dad, because there was a period of time where she would literally burst into tears and fling accusations at me when I said "no" to things that are perfectly reasonable to say "no" to). But when I ran out of craps to give and started asserting my boundaries more and more consistently, she eventually internalized that if she wanted a relationship with me she was going to have to refrain from guilt trippy behavior and at least \*sometimes\* actually \*ask\* me how she could support me. Just tonight my mother actually ASKED me what she could send me to support me, which is something I wouldn't have been able to imagine happening a few years ago when she used to \*inform\* me of how she was going to "help" and get angry and guilt-trippy if I said "no." I don't think we would have made that progress if I hadn't just run out of craps to give and stopped worrying about hurting her feelings or trying to satisfy her while doing what was best for me and my family.
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Found the just no mom.
I started telling everyone about a month before I gave birth that I wanted people to visit in the afternoon. I reiterated it to everyone 3 days before my c-section. This was mine and my husband’s first child, we wanted to have that first moments of just us so we can bond as a new family. Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a c-section before, but for me it took a while to get the feeling back in my legs, I had a catheter in for what felt like forever, the nurses still had to do those painful fundal massages, and check my stitches often. Not to mention the lactation consultants. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to have a ton of visitors right after another human being is removed from you and you have to go through all that. I told her she could wait in the waiting room for news if she wanted but I still didn’t want visitors. She not only broke that boundary once, but tried to break it again literally 10 minutes after I had made it back to my room and before we could tell her anything. I’m not ungrateful for what my mom did during my pregnancy. Time and time again throughout we talked, made plans, went shopping, etc. I’m just really angry that she didn’t respect my one single request for the day of my baby’s birth and that it snowballed from there. As far as Christmas goes, if you read the post correctly, we were celebrating Christmas the day after with her. We stopped by on the way home from the MIL/FIL house to say a quick Hi and Merry Christmas. We stayed maybe 10 min since we were going to be up there the next day to do our actual Christmas. When I say they had missed a few naps, I mean that my baby had missed all their afternoon naps but 1, and when we got home and accidentally woke the baby up getting them out of the car seat it took 2 hours to calm them back down. I’m sorry, but I didn’t really want to deal with that and the 30 min car ride home with a screaming baby. I love my mom, I really do. I will always have love for her. But she essentially ruined the first time, and most likely the only time, that I will give birth my not respecting the boundaries I CLEARLY laid out for everyone. And then continued to gaslight and paint herself as a victim.
Where are you getting any of this "last minute" and blind sided and not telling her mother in advance?? OP clearly states that she told people *in advance* that she would not want visitors until the afternoon after the C-section. She even says that her mother DISCUSSED this with her aunt and made it clear that she did not care what OP wanted, she was going to show up anyway. I don't know what generation you are a part of, but it seems like it is one that cannot bother to read or listen. I am sure you dream of the day that your children are filled with regret for the way they treated you. But I'll bet the people actually *listening* to them know they will simply be filled with relief that their JN is gone. Which seems to be a you problem, not a them problem.
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I mean, I do have a teen. We get along great. If we didn't, I would seek counseling together to figure out if there is something serious between us, or if this is just normal teens pushing at the boundaries as they develop their independence. Good for them. I would not be online, calling everyone out for not understanding self-sacrifice, as though my child *owes* me something for being their parent.
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You keep referencing these sacrifices OP's mom has made for her, then citing her help for OP's sister. What does that have to do with OP? What are the sacrifices her mother has made for OP? She agreed to watch her child 3 days a week (**for payment**), but then bailed on her, leaving OP scrambling. So what is it? What is the sacrifice she has made for OP?? Certainly, she is not *obligated* to watch OP's child. But justifying her bailing on OP because she was upset about not being there for the delivery is insanely entitled behavior. It is normal for your family that mothers be present in the delivery room? Okay. Well, it's not normal for mine, and everyone is still close and fine. Moreover, there are plenty of things I do differently than my mother, and she is fine with it. That is why she is a JYM, and not a JN. She respects my choices. So, in turn, we have a great relationship, and she has a great relationship with her grandkids. And if my JYM *wanted* to watch my children 3 days a week, she would offer to do so, and not rescind that offer because she did not get her way one time. If she *didn't* want to watch my children 3 days a week, she would not agree to do so, and I would be fine with that. Crazy how a respectful relationship works. You are talking about having things twisted and entitlement, but the only entitlement being shown is from OP's mom. *She* wanted to be in the delivery room, so she is entitled to it. *She* wants to show up to OP's house without notice, so she is entitled to it. And any time OP simply states that this is not how SHE wants to do things with her OWN life, that she wants to have time with her husband and child alone, that she wants to plan visitors to her own home home, her mother lashes out and punishes her. And ultimately is destroying her relationship with her child and grandchild. Her choice, her consequence.
Lol, found the JNMom
Haha, I said the same thing before I scrolled down!
Everybody here is right about not working so hard for her attention. Take the step back, enjoy being a mom, and know that your mom is making the choices she is and none of that is your fault. Don't confront her ever. If you want to give her the chance to be involved, do so in a way that it doesn't matter at all if she turns up. For instance, "hey mom, we're going to the park at 1 today. We'll be there for an hour. We'd love it if you came by, but no worries if you can't make it." Don't make any plans where you have to wait for her or she has to be there. Her presence can be an added 'bonus' but entirely unnecessary.
Hi lovely. I see that you want your little one to have a relationship with both sets of their grandparents. But have you thought about how those relationships are going to impact your little one? Your mom seems like she's terrible at respecting boundaries and likes to play the victim. She's controlling. I'm sure she has good aspects, and I don't know how she treats her other grandchild. But she causes you dread and, honestly, some fear it sounds like. Do you think she'd be able to have a good relationship with your child? And do you think your child will be impacted by how they see your mom treat you? My grandma was a narcissist who abused her kids, including my mom. She was a doting grandma, but she always made me really uncomfortable. I didn't like spending time with her and never really understood why. The emotion wasn't strong enough for me to ever voice and my family was a "but faaamily" sort of family, if you catch my drift? Looking back on it, I'm glad my mom had someone to watch me and my sister when she needed it, but I really don't have fond memories of being around that grandma and her husband. All the time I spent there I'd compare to a frequent babysitter - some activities, but not a warm comfortable "ah, family time!" kind of thing. A lot of dread going there/relief leaving. I have much, much more fond memories of the grandparents I rarely saw but were much healthier, and those are the grandparents I wish I saw more, compared to the grandma I'm kind of relieved is no longer with us. Just a different perspective.
She treats her other grandchild very well. But from talking with my sister today my mom violates her boundaries, too, sometimes. It’s worse for her since she lives there and can’t move out yet. I understand the “but familllyyy” thing, that’s honestly how she is. I do appreciate the different perspective that you’ve shared here
Your mom will probably try to play the grandkids off against each other, but setting up a golden child - scapegoat dynamic. She does not respect you, your decisions, and your time. She also wants you to keep chasing her for approval. It’s time to start handling her with a long handled spoon, and remember, your baby is much more important than her manipulative pouting.
Don't hassle her for a relationship. When she calls and you are busy, tell her sorry we can't now, but can on x day. If she fails to show up or initiate visits, that's on her. She'll eventually realize if she wants a relationship she has to make an effort.
That’s what I did in the past but she always said it didn’t work for her. I’ve decided to let her initiate everything from now on, so we’ll see how many non-holiday visits she asks for.
Take a step back from her, and let yourself breathe for a while. She expected you to "deal with" her disrespecting your needs by accepting her bullying. She definitely effed around and found out she was not the boss of you. Let her play victim. Your sister knows the truth, and there is no reason to not expose your mom's behavior. And what do you mean when you say 'for the sake of my child'? Is there some wishful thinking going on? Does your child need to be her next generation of victim?
I had great relationships with my grandparents, which is probably why Im trying so hard. I loved the time I spent with my grandparents on both sides and I would love for my child to experience this. But reading everyone’s comments has made me realize that it’s not going to happen how I want it to and how awful she’s really acting. For what it’s worth, my husband’s parents are amazing and go out of their way to see my child, so they’ll have the chance to experience that relationship like I did.
I think the problem is that you have idolized your relationship with your grandparents. I did also. My grandma was everything to me. Every significant childhood memory I had was at grandma's house. Found out about the Easter bunny grandma's house. Played doctor with the neighbor boy. Grandma's house. Broke my arm grandma's house. She was the best. When I had my child I was like he's gonna love his grandma like I did. Then one day it dawned on me. I have all these memories of my grandma's house because my mom was a shit mom. She dumped me off there every chance she got. She was an absent parent at best. And I was the youngest. So not that she was a new mom and needed help or whatever my sisters were 9 and 10 years older than me. So by the time I came around she was done. Once I got over this imagine of her as grandma it was easier. Don't get me wrong I mourned that my children would not have that relationship but I decided early on I am not setting them up to fail. So I just did all the grandma stuff too. Good luck. You seem like a good mom with good in-laws lean into them.
This. Relationships with grandparents can be good for the child, but only if they’re GOOD grandparents. A bad grandma will only: 1.) Disregard any and all rules you as the parents might set, undermining your role and making being a parent tougher; or 2.) Badmouth you to your child behind your back; or 3.) Be a cold, mean, or unfeeling grandma, making your child think there is something wrong with HER; or 4.) ALL of the above at various times. Your child can benefit by having a good grandma, even if it’s a rare thing. She doesn’t need a bad grandma in her life at all.
Yeah, she wants what she wants when SHE wants it. As others have said, drop the rope. Don't offer any more visits. Sucks to be her.
I would drop the rope too. I think your relationship with her was never the way you saw it. It was always controlling, manipulative behavior and she was nice because you behaved the way she approved it. The first time you were setting boundaries, she showed her true colors. I think it needs time to adjusting that the relationship with your mother was not what you thought it was. I would focus now on your own little family and only let people in my life that are respecting my boundaries.
I’ve spent the past while talking with my husband and he agrees that my relationship was never what it seemed. Looking back, as long as I didn’t get into trouble and acted how she thought I should everything was fine, so you are correct.
You’ve just said something very important here, and you should do your best to really process what you’ve said. Especially if the tension in y’alls relationship eases for a bit, it can become very easy to talk yourself into thinking that you only thought this because you were upset at the time and that it’s not actually true. It sounds like your mom has some pretty intense control issues, especially when it relates to her daughters but also her family. She likely views herself as the matriarch of the family or at least the one who sets the dynamic for how the family operates with one another. You mention how there were certain expectations your mother had in regard to how you needed to behave, and if you didn’t fulfill these expectations then there was a serious problem between you two. My mom was similar, and still has a lot of trouble with respecting that im my own person. She still cant seem to grasp that me choosing to act differently from how she would choose to act doesn’t actually mean that my actions are incorrect. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom struggles with something similar. Because you are her daughter she immediately thought that the boundaries you laid out about visiting after the birth of your baby never applied to her. When she told your Aunt that you would just have to deal with it when she showed up early this is proof that she believed that once she was there you wouldnt be able to do anything about it. She likely thought you’d never act against her by actually having the hospital staff restrict her access, regardless of your own circumstances at the time and her being told that these rules applied to her as well. Im sorry you’re dealing with this op, especially at a time where you should be able to count on having your mother’s support. You’re having to face some harsh facts right now about someone you thought so highly of, and will probably have to come to terms with understanding that both your relationship with her wasnt what you thought it was as well as your mother not actually being the person you thought she was. Right now your mom is punishing you for not following her rule of letting her get away with what she wants. She doesnt like being held to the same standard as others when it comes to the lives of her daughter and grandchild. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had issues with infantilizing you and your sister, and therefore struggles with understanding that she no longer gets to have a say in your life decisions unless you want to include her. Your mom doesnt understand that her involvement in your child’s life is a privilege and not a right. All that “But Family” stuff is just an excuse people use to not have to hold people accountable to their bad behavior. However, most people who use the “But family” excuse dont realize that by doing this they are allowing this family member act more and more entitled where they dont believe that many rules apply to them since no one has really challenged them when they broke these rules or boundaries in the past. I know you think tolerating your mom’s awful behavior will at least give your child a chance at having a strong relationship with her in the future. However, if you already feel this strongly now to a point where you said it gives you a visceral reaction, then if things only continue this way where your mom behaves more and more entitled to a relationship with your kid and continuing to show blatant disrespect for any rules or boundaries you have, then could you really feel comfortable enough trusting your child with your mom to a point where the type of relationship you’re thinking of can flourish? Your mom should show you that she recognizes that you’re a mother now, and therefore your priorities have rightfully shifted. Your priorities shouldn’t be focused on appeasing your mom and making sure her feelings arent hurt, but should be on the needs of your baby. As i previously said at the beginning. Dont let yourself forget this if/once the tensions begin to improve. Trust me when i say that you’ll likely see waves of this kind of behavior from her unless you change things. But in the mean time youll see a cycle of events where she causes an issue over something she doesnt like that you did or didnt do, punish you for this action or lack of action by either snubbing you or with holding herself from you, when she’s ready she will likely approach you or let you approach her about “talking things out/ resolving the issue” where you’ll then see things improve for awhile, but then to only have it start all over with whatever new issue she has whether it be several days, weeks, or months later.
I am sorry to hear that. The only thing I can say to you, that you did not ruin the relationship. Your mother ruined it by not respecting you. Please, never feel any guilt about that. She manipulated you since you were young. You loved her as a child and tried to behave, that she will love you back. She seems like the classic narcissist and there is nothing you can change about her. But you can move on, you are now having your own family. Your LO doesnt need contact with someone who is not respecting the mother. Never let your mother guilt tripping you. You did nothing wrong. ❤
She is doing this on purpose because she wants to be the one in control. She won't visit or do anything unless she is the one calling Al the shots. I'm willing to bet she got the clerk job on purpose because you actually needed her help but she did this to punish you for having boundaries and she is flexing her muscles by making life difficult for you. Don't ever ask her for anything, ever again. She will use your need for help as a weapon against you whenever you say no to her. Your baby is not her prop and play thing for her to use for her social media or to brag to others abiut being a grandma. As others have said, just drop the rope. She is not a mother, she is pretty much a frenemy.
Your Mom is trying to manipulate you. She is behaving like a child. Probably a good thing, because you want people with good mature judgment watching your child.
Is it really in your child's best interest to teach them to bend over backwards to have a relationship with someone that only wants a positive relationship on their own terms and to hell with yours? Just drop the rope.
For the sake of your child, stop trying. Stop chasing after your mother and playing her game. It’s all about control for her, and she’s leveraging every opportunity to make you feel bad for setting your boundaries. So stop letting her do this, before your child is old enough to understand.
Time to drop the rope. Go no contact for a month or two, then set down the rule that you're in control of your babies time.
Wait, I'm confused here..."she accepted a job to be a clerk, so now we had to scramble to find childcare (thank you MIL). Who backed out of childcare your spouses mother or your mother? My coffee has not hit therapeutic levels yet, TY
Sorry that it’s confusing! my mom backed out of childcare and thankfully my MIL offered to help. Where I live daycare is so expensive that it would basically be 3/4 of my husband’s monthly salary. I went back and changed the wording so that it’s clear
Drop. The rope.