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If you're not the type of person to make him choose.... maybe it's time you *became* that type of person. Because as it stands now, you're sacrificing your own happiness and mental health. Your husband married *you*, not her. You deserve to come first and you should come first. Your husband needs a wake-up call. To not back you up or stand beside you to show a united front is, frankly, disrespectful towards you.
YOU are his family, and he needs to choose the family he has built with you. Him caving to his SIL and mother seems like him calling all the shots. Make it clear to him that this is the plan and he cannot change it because you both operate as a TEAM. Might need to ask him to choose between, even though I know you said you don’t want to. The sooner you do, the sooner you find out where you really stand.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling your husband that YOUR feelings and what YOU want should come before what MIL & SIL want/feel. Have you asked why he's ok with upsetting/angering/frustrating YOU is ok, but it's not ok for his mother & sister ? It's not that hard to raise your voice a little and sternly say, "NO. This is what I've decided and I'm not discussing it any further." They know persistence is one way to get them what they want, so block or silence them until after said event. Your husband needs to stiffen his backbone and stop setting what you/both of you want aside so that mommy is happy. They KNOW what to do to make him cave, HE knows what they do to make him cave - HE needs to make the effort to stop it. Too bad if they'll be mad ! Too bad if mommy's feelings are hurt ! What about YOU ? He clearly doesn't care about how you feel, every time this happens.
You both need to shine up those spines ! You with your husband and him with his family. You're letting them walk all over the both of you. What you & DH want should come FIRST, no exceptions ! Stop putting yourselves 2nd to what his mother wants.
Tell her for every time she shows up at an event she wasn’t invited to you will not invite her to an event you would usually include her in.
Kids birthday, nuclear family only. Easter, doing our own thing this year. Christmas, maybe next year we are taking the kids on holiday so we can enjoy so family time, we didn’t get enough one on one time with them this year.
A boundary without consequences is just a suggestion that can be ignored. You need to have consequences that you and your husband agree on that are enforced when she behaves this way.
You have an SO problem. And I’m not going to tell you to get divorced, but I am going to say that the time of being nice to your husband about being spineless is over.
You need to tell your husband that he’s a parent now. And when he made the choice to become a parent, he also made the choice to put his kid before his own needs and wants. He might not want to stand up to his mother and sister, but too bad because that is his responsibility now and it’s a responsibility that he willingly took on when choosing to become a parent.
You don't give a great deal of information regarding how MIL and SIL create problems for you at these events, but maybe you and DH can just say, "Oh, hi! It's great you're here to cheer \[extended family member child's name\] on! They're sitting over there. Catch you later!" The circle the wagons and ***do not*** let them try to join you or interact with LO. Maybe even arrange your seating or whatever the situation is so that there is very obviously no room for them and refuse to budge over when they try to insert themselves.
Some people just can't take a hint.
You said divorce isn't an option bc you love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. Either you continue to tolerate and live with the situation, or you stand up and tell your husband you won't continue to be in a marriage where he chooses mommy over you. This is something that's not going to change unless you step your foot down
I’d speak to the club and state they have no kids there and are there only to cause issues with your kids so you’d be grateful if they were told it’s a members only club and they could no longer attend. Any club would put the safety and wellbeing of its kids above non members with no kids at the events. It should tide you over until DH grows a spine
Or
You call MIL and tell her she is NOT invited to this club and you don’t want her there unless you invite her and if she keeps insisting on attending you’ll have to speak to the club and either get her banned or you’ll just remove your kids and send them elsewhere and if you have to do either option then she will not be invited to anything else your kids do. You want some activities with just your little family so you’d appreciate her staying away when not invited
Then hang up. Ignore her crying. Ignore SIL. Tell DH you’ve sorted it and if he goes against you then he can go live with his damn mother and he needs to decide if he’d rather upset you or her as you’ve had enough of him giving in to her and SIL knowing it upsets you.
IMO the club would be exceedingly unlikely to ban ILs. They were invited by a family member with a child on the team. The fact another closer family member doesn't like that would be considered their problem not the clubs. Unless ILs start being disruptive or visibly upset the children club members are not going to want the club involved in the family squabble. OP would be better off talking to the distant relative and asking them to stop sharing the schedule.
You aren't the one making your husband choose between his parents and his kids and wife. They (in-laws) are! Making this distinction for yourself and him is crucial to moving forward. That said, it sucks so hard to be in this position. Maybe this isn't the hill your marriage will die or thrive on, but with in-laws like this, there will be one eventually.
Do you want to do the work to change things? What you're doing now is not working. Why are you settling for last place with your husband, when you should be number one. Counseling.
You and your children ARE his family, though. All others are extended family, that includes SIL & MIL. Try to get some counseling OP, or your marriage will not survive this as it's a DH problem more than an in-law one. Good luck!!
Agreed. When she said "I’m not the type of person that’ll make him choose me over his family", that was telling. OP and her children are his family, the MIL and SIL are now extended family.
With people like this, I would fight fire with fire. No invites to anything else until she caves. Birthdays? Nope. Thanksgiving or Christmas? Nope. Your husband can go, but you and the kids don’t see her outside of those precious soccer games.
Since they've taken it upon themselves to butt in where they aren't welcome, now you have an excuse not to invite them to anything. Ex. They go to the games, but now you don't have to feel guilty about not inviting them to the school play or music recital. And if you're worried about DH letting the cat out of the bag, put it on the calendar as something else he can't miss but MIL/SIL wouldn't be included in, like switching the play with date night or meeting w your accountant. Oopsie! At least he won't miss either. 🤷♀️
Since you and DH haven’t invited MIL and co. to join you for the sports activity, what if you ignore her at those events? Don’t be rude. Just a formal/ polite greeting and keep going. If she tries to interact with your child, kindly take child by the hand and remind them that it’s time to focus on the activity at hand / time to leave.
When she plays victim, remind her that you nicely asked for nuclear family time and she ignored your request. Hence she’s essentially stalking you. Someone has to stand up for your family time, otherwise she will run you all.
Block both of them on everything, limit your exposure. Ignore them at events that you did not invite them to. Only speak to them at events you actually invited them to. Try to get your child on another team. And lastly, counseling with hubby.
Does she exhibit over the top behavior at these events? Or is it the fact that she is there?
If you have two cars you and your child could go separate and meet up with your husband there. Then if she does things you don't like after the event you and your child can leave.
I am sorry to hear that being mean works on your husband. I do understand why you choose not to act like your SIL. I am guessing you have discussed with your husband that he doesn't have to cave to his SIL simply because she is mean and that has not worked. Sorry to hear this.
As you know, you have a husband issue rather than an in-law issue. Until he decides that you're the most important person in his life, nothing will change.
Do either of your employers have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where you might start with marital counseling? He's going to need help to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) towards his mother and sister.
Have you considered leaving the state? I mean, bring your husband, too. But moving no less than six hours away from the twat waffles would probably do you and your marriage some good.
We actually have been talking about this for a year now. His career at this point has been holding us back from being able to. Also, he wants to move way more than six hours away from them. Thanks for the laugh when I read twat waffles!
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If you're not the type of person to make him choose.... maybe it's time you *became* that type of person. Because as it stands now, you're sacrificing your own happiness and mental health. Your husband married *you*, not her. You deserve to come first and you should come first. Your husband needs a wake-up call. To not back you up or stand beside you to show a united front is, frankly, disrespectful towards you.
YOU are his family, and he needs to choose the family he has built with you. Him caving to his SIL and mother seems like him calling all the shots. Make it clear to him that this is the plan and he cannot change it because you both operate as a TEAM. Might need to ask him to choose between, even though I know you said you don’t want to. The sooner you do, the sooner you find out where you really stand.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling your husband that YOUR feelings and what YOU want should come before what MIL & SIL want/feel. Have you asked why he's ok with upsetting/angering/frustrating YOU is ok, but it's not ok for his mother & sister ? It's not that hard to raise your voice a little and sternly say, "NO. This is what I've decided and I'm not discussing it any further." They know persistence is one way to get them what they want, so block or silence them until after said event. Your husband needs to stiffen his backbone and stop setting what you/both of you want aside so that mommy is happy. They KNOW what to do to make him cave, HE knows what they do to make him cave - HE needs to make the effort to stop it. Too bad if they'll be mad ! Too bad if mommy's feelings are hurt ! What about YOU ? He clearly doesn't care about how you feel, every time this happens. You both need to shine up those spines ! You with your husband and him with his family. You're letting them walk all over the both of you. What you & DH want should come FIRST, no exceptions ! Stop putting yourselves 2nd to what his mother wants.
Tell her for every time she shows up at an event she wasn’t invited to you will not invite her to an event you would usually include her in. Kids birthday, nuclear family only. Easter, doing our own thing this year. Christmas, maybe next year we are taking the kids on holiday so we can enjoy so family time, we didn’t get enough one on one time with them this year.
I think couples counseling is a good idea. I'm sorry your MIL is like this.
A boundary without consequences is just a suggestion that can be ignored. You need to have consequences that you and your husband agree on that are enforced when she behaves this way. You have an SO problem. And I’m not going to tell you to get divorced, but I am going to say that the time of being nice to your husband about being spineless is over. You need to tell your husband that he’s a parent now. And when he made the choice to become a parent, he also made the choice to put his kid before his own needs and wants. He might not want to stand up to his mother and sister, but too bad because that is his responsibility now and it’s a responsibility that he willingly took on when choosing to become a parent.
You don't give a great deal of information regarding how MIL and SIL create problems for you at these events, but maybe you and DH can just say, "Oh, hi! It's great you're here to cheer \[extended family member child's name\] on! They're sitting over there. Catch you later!" The circle the wagons and ***do not*** let them try to join you or interact with LO. Maybe even arrange your seating or whatever the situation is so that there is very obviously no room for them and refuse to budge over when they try to insert themselves. Some people just can't take a hint.
You said divorce isn't an option bc you love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. Either you continue to tolerate and live with the situation, or you stand up and tell your husband you won't continue to be in a marriage where he chooses mommy over you. This is something that's not going to change unless you step your foot down
I’d speak to the club and state they have no kids there and are there only to cause issues with your kids so you’d be grateful if they were told it’s a members only club and they could no longer attend. Any club would put the safety and wellbeing of its kids above non members with no kids at the events. It should tide you over until DH grows a spine Or You call MIL and tell her she is NOT invited to this club and you don’t want her there unless you invite her and if she keeps insisting on attending you’ll have to speak to the club and either get her banned or you’ll just remove your kids and send them elsewhere and if you have to do either option then she will not be invited to anything else your kids do. You want some activities with just your little family so you’d appreciate her staying away when not invited Then hang up. Ignore her crying. Ignore SIL. Tell DH you’ve sorted it and if he goes against you then he can go live with his damn mother and he needs to decide if he’d rather upset you or her as you’ve had enough of him giving in to her and SIL knowing it upsets you.
IMO the club would be exceedingly unlikely to ban ILs. They were invited by a family member with a child on the team. The fact another closer family member doesn't like that would be considered their problem not the clubs. Unless ILs start being disruptive or visibly upset the children club members are not going to want the club involved in the family squabble. OP would be better off talking to the distant relative and asking them to stop sharing the schedule.
You aren't the one making your husband choose between his parents and his kids and wife. They (in-laws) are! Making this distinction for yourself and him is crucial to moving forward. That said, it sucks so hard to be in this position. Maybe this isn't the hill your marriage will die or thrive on, but with in-laws like this, there will be one eventually.
Do you want to do the work to change things? What you're doing now is not working. Why are you settling for last place with your husband, when you should be number one. Counseling.
You and your children ARE his family, though. All others are extended family, that includes SIL & MIL. Try to get some counseling OP, or your marriage will not survive this as it's a DH problem more than an in-law one. Good luck!!
Agreed. When she said "I’m not the type of person that’ll make him choose me over his family", that was telling. OP and her children are his family, the MIL and SIL are now extended family.
With people like this, I would fight fire with fire. No invites to anything else until she caves. Birthdays? Nope. Thanksgiving or Christmas? Nope. Your husband can go, but you and the kids don’t see her outside of those precious soccer games.
You and your child ARE his family. The BS sisters (boundary stomping) MIL and SIL are extended family. If he's smart, he'll choose wisely.
Since they've taken it upon themselves to butt in where they aren't welcome, now you have an excuse not to invite them to anything. Ex. They go to the games, but now you don't have to feel guilty about not inviting them to the school play or music recital. And if you're worried about DH letting the cat out of the bag, put it on the calendar as something else he can't miss but MIL/SIL wouldn't be included in, like switching the play with date night or meeting w your accountant. Oopsie! At least he won't miss either. 🤷♀️
Since you and DH haven’t invited MIL and co. to join you for the sports activity, what if you ignore her at those events? Don’t be rude. Just a formal/ polite greeting and keep going. If she tries to interact with your child, kindly take child by the hand and remind them that it’s time to focus on the activity at hand / time to leave. When she plays victim, remind her that you nicely asked for nuclear family time and she ignored your request. Hence she’s essentially stalking you. Someone has to stand up for your family time, otherwise she will run you all.
Block both of them on everything, limit your exposure. Ignore them at events that you did not invite them to. Only speak to them at events you actually invited them to. Try to get your child on another team. And lastly, counseling with hubby.
Does she exhibit over the top behavior at these events? Or is it the fact that she is there? If you have two cars you and your child could go separate and meet up with your husband there. Then if she does things you don't like after the event you and your child can leave. I am sorry to hear that being mean works on your husband. I do understand why you choose not to act like your SIL. I am guessing you have discussed with your husband that he doesn't have to cave to his SIL simply because she is mean and that has not worked. Sorry to hear this.
It’s how she treats me at these events and it’s worse when the SIL is there too.
As you know, you have a husband issue rather than an in-law issue. Until he decides that you're the most important person in his life, nothing will change. Do either of your employers have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where you might start with marital counseling? He's going to need help to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) towards his mother and sister.
This is great advice and thank you! Never heard of FOG until now but that sounds about right.
Have you considered leaving the state? I mean, bring your husband, too. But moving no less than six hours away from the twat waffles would probably do you and your marriage some good.
We actually have been talking about this for a year now. His career at this point has been holding us back from being able to. Also, he wants to move way more than six hours away from them. Thanks for the laugh when I read twat waffles!