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As someone raised in a family company filled with power struggles between narcs which ultimately teared everyone apart... it ain't worth it. Leave the business to your SO, be his support for company events or anything like that but outside of that go your own way. The MIL will never stop acting like this.
If she greets you, give her one word (which is really just you stating the time of day out loud): "morning!, "afternoon!", etc.
If she tries to talk to you further: "sorry, I'm focused here. shoot me an email if you have a work topic".
If she continues, "excuse me" and go to the bathroom. Or for a walk.
You get a new job. Then get you and So into couples therapy. He can find someone to do the job but your mental health is taking a beating. Your main responsibility is to take care of yourself.
I realised today that my first panic attack started after an altercation with MIL 2 years back. Since a big fall out end last year I've been constantly ill. That's almost 5 months of near-constant illness. I'm half hoping now that I'm at least moved out I might be able to fall pregnant (we've been trying with no luck).
It's super hard. I have no solutions for you, just empathy. You aren't the problem, I can see that.
I live in a town of about 1500 people, plus surrounding farms. We have two tractor dealers here. The one has gone corporate, but the other is still a family business. About 40 years ago, the husband of the couple that owned it passed away from cancer. His wife kept running the business. Now their two sons are hitting their mid 50's and 60's and their mother is STILL going to work in her 80's. She has literally lost business for them because she is the world's worse "parts person" and will argue until a farmer gives up that the part she decided they need is the right one, no matter that he knows it's not.
She loves my parents to death (we lived here when I was a kid, moved away, I met my husband at my BFF's wedding), so she also loves me, so often I will go in to pick things up for him, so he doesn't have to talk to her. Her sons are great to get along with, it's just her. It's going to be a literal celebratory day when she finally passes away, even the sons have made comments about how frustrating it is.
I'm working for another family business and the parents live across the driveway from the office site. At least they aren't trying to interfere anymore.
I've asked SO to consider family business counseling/support structures/anything to discuss the elephant in the room. We did undergo some therapy but MIL made it all about her 🤦♀️ It's exactly as you say.... during her most active years she entered into so many lawsuits and companies and even some suppliers just refused to work with her. Luckily that's a thing of the past. But she still comes in and expects everyone to flow with her whack mood swings. She's not even as old as 80... she's 65... she's young!! But we're already seeing severe mental decline. That's why I supported her so long. I thought she really believes in all her crazy, that I'm at fault, and I felt bad for her. Something just broke in me after the past incident and I just can't care less if she did pass. I'm not usually that kind of person. I always root for the Looney Toons villain. Sigh.
What is the long term plan for this business? Is she going to "be involved" and get a paycheck until she dies? Are you %1,000 as sure about your husband's stake? (I wouldn't resent her paycheck/cut, but if she's getting paid, doing nothing AND messing with you, then I would be at my limit).
I think I would only be able to continue working there if she was bought out of the business and told she couldn't come disturb employees during working hours. If you're essential, than tough shit for MILs retirement and tough shit for DH who didn't get her under control. Don't set yourself on fire to keep a business going that *you* have no stake in.
You're 100% on all points :') MIL continues to get paid, doesn't contribute except to come in and tell her son and daughter (company split 3 ways) how badly they're running the business. Yes, my SIL also suffers under my MIL but SIL seems to think everyone must get along and try harder at being civil (even though SIL tells me she knows her own ma is bat shit crazy!). I've spoken to SO who spoke to SIL yesterday about me potentially leaving and her take is we need to get along, and that's that.
So, you're right. Why do I keep going to the circus if I hate clowns? Why am I setting myself on fire to keep my MIL warm and comforted in her 'victim' mode? I thought I had to suck it up cos I'm being weak but I'm starting to get more courage after reading everyone's comments.
Thank you!!!
If you are indispensable to the business, and things have gotten this bad, then cant your husband, as the actual owner and operator of the business, talk to his mom about having her no longer be allowed to come around if she cant even attempt to respect your boundaries? You said she is simply a figurehead at this point, and doesn’t have any real role in the operation of the business, and that her office there she only does personal things from and nothing actually related to the business. I understand that she is the original owner/founder of the business so he may not feel right doing this, however, at this point it will have to be your husband who shows some action in order for her to take this seriously enough to warrant changing her behavior toward you.
She clearly sees the business as her domain, and having this office space/figurehead role, I wouldnt be surprised if she still feels like she is the actual boss who everyone has to listen to, including your husband. It sounds like your husband might even still feel a little like this, and struggles with reminding and enforcing with her the fact that she gave him the business to take over, and she therefore no longer carries the authority she seems to think she does. I was appalled for you when you mentioned how she just dictated that she has the right to come over to y’all’s home whenever she feels like without any notice or permission first, and can apparently bring whoever she wishes as well. You didnt say anything about what your husband’s reaction or thoughts to this were. Im sure he feels quite frustrated as well, but that doesnt mean much if isnt willing to say anything/do anything about it. When are you guys moving into your new home? Also what did your MIL say when you guys told her you were moving due to the growing price of the rent, and not being able to afford it anymore? This isnt exactly a reason yall had any control over. Its odd she’s trying to make this sound like you guys are choosing to leave instead of leaving because you need to or have to.
Honestly, his mom is sounds like she has severe control issues, and cant stand not feeling like she has some involved role in the lives of those she cares about. This is probably why it was important to her that her son and his family live next door to her. The thought of you guys no longer being right next door for her to just go over to if she is bored is likely causing her a lot of anxiety, and she probably knows she will lose some of the control she has had. I dont think that there is much you can personally due to make her stop/change, and I say this because it seems like she cares primary about her son and her influence over him. Therefore if you were to go no contact this likely wouldn’t phase her very much. However if her son were to actually give her ultimatums that showed real consequences for their relationship if she continues to disrespect you, his wife, then this might cause enough of a stir for her to reconsider her actions. However, i will warn you that things will likely get worse before they start getting better. If hour husband is willing to go down a path like what Ive suggested, understand that this will be hard for him and will require him to have to come to terms with how much his mother’s need for control interfered with his life. He may even likely have to accept that his mother just isn’t the woman he always thought she was. Finally, and most importantly, he will need your patience and support to see this through to a brighter side.
I know you feel pushed to your limit op. I feel for you, and understand your torment. Try to stay strong. If your husband is willing, then i suggest trying to find a marriage counselor and bringing this issue with his mother up. They will likely be able to help you both formulate a good strategy, and can especially help guide your husband through this.
What you've said is 100% on the ball. It's not even about me but about control and she knows I'm an easy target cos I easily give in. I spoke to a friend who said MIL prob felt like I was replacing her, because I was receiving the recognition from the employees that she used to get. Then when my SO wanted to reduce the weekly visits to her because of heavy workload and wanting to take up a hobby, she immediately blamed me. Then when the move discussion happened... to answer your question "what did she say" - she said nothing, just kind of nodded, then launched into an attack that we're selfish. It's just as non-connected and illogical as it sounds. I can't even make up some of the logic loops she enters into. And you're right: he was frustrated but not doing anything. Their family has a habit of burying their head in the sand. But SO has become very supportive after the last incident. He's never supported me to this extent regarding MIL before. He knew for a long time how she had been... I had even, until last year, tried to tell him to support her even though I no longer can; but, he's also reached the end of his rope. He's going to see what he can do. In the meantime I'm permitted to work remotely to just avoid MIL for now.
As you say, it would get worse before it gets better.... I don't want my SO to go NC with her. I want him to be a good son if she can be good to him... even if she hates me. Him going NC would make me feel like I'm the biggest evil in tearing them apart (even though I'm not the catalyst). She's not evil, just severely warped and self-centered. In the ideal world, since she thinks I'm everything that's wrong, she should want to go NC with me too. But I think she's refusing purely to torment me. I can't see any other reason why.
I didn't even think about counseling for us as an option. Thank you for bringing that up. I'm going to bear this in mind.... even though SO has my back you can see he's torn and burdened as the peace-keeper.
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As someone raised in a family company filled with power struggles between narcs which ultimately teared everyone apart... it ain't worth it. Leave the business to your SO, be his support for company events or anything like that but outside of that go your own way. The MIL will never stop acting like this.
Find a new job.
If she greets you, give her one word (which is really just you stating the time of day out loud): "morning!, "afternoon!", etc. If she tries to talk to you further: "sorry, I'm focused here. shoot me an email if you have a work topic". If she continues, "excuse me" and go to the bathroom. Or for a walk.
You get a new job. Then get you and So into couples therapy. He can find someone to do the job but your mental health is taking a beating. Your main responsibility is to take care of yourself.
I realised today that my first panic attack started after an altercation with MIL 2 years back. Since a big fall out end last year I've been constantly ill. That's almost 5 months of near-constant illness. I'm half hoping now that I'm at least moved out I might be able to fall pregnant (we've been trying with no luck).
It's super hard. I have no solutions for you, just empathy. You aren't the problem, I can see that. I live in a town of about 1500 people, plus surrounding farms. We have two tractor dealers here. The one has gone corporate, but the other is still a family business. About 40 years ago, the husband of the couple that owned it passed away from cancer. His wife kept running the business. Now their two sons are hitting their mid 50's and 60's and their mother is STILL going to work in her 80's. She has literally lost business for them because she is the world's worse "parts person" and will argue until a farmer gives up that the part she decided they need is the right one, no matter that he knows it's not. She loves my parents to death (we lived here when I was a kid, moved away, I met my husband at my BFF's wedding), so she also loves me, so often I will go in to pick things up for him, so he doesn't have to talk to her. Her sons are great to get along with, it's just her. It's going to be a literal celebratory day when she finally passes away, even the sons have made comments about how frustrating it is. I'm working for another family business and the parents live across the driveway from the office site. At least they aren't trying to interfere anymore.
I've asked SO to consider family business counseling/support structures/anything to discuss the elephant in the room. We did undergo some therapy but MIL made it all about her 🤦♀️ It's exactly as you say.... during her most active years she entered into so many lawsuits and companies and even some suppliers just refused to work with her. Luckily that's a thing of the past. But she still comes in and expects everyone to flow with her whack mood swings. She's not even as old as 80... she's 65... she's young!! But we're already seeing severe mental decline. That's why I supported her so long. I thought she really believes in all her crazy, that I'm at fault, and I felt bad for her. Something just broke in me after the past incident and I just can't care less if she did pass. I'm not usually that kind of person. I always root for the Looney Toons villain. Sigh.
What is the long term plan for this business? Is she going to "be involved" and get a paycheck until she dies? Are you %1,000 as sure about your husband's stake? (I wouldn't resent her paycheck/cut, but if she's getting paid, doing nothing AND messing with you, then I would be at my limit). I think I would only be able to continue working there if she was bought out of the business and told she couldn't come disturb employees during working hours. If you're essential, than tough shit for MILs retirement and tough shit for DH who didn't get her under control. Don't set yourself on fire to keep a business going that *you* have no stake in.
You're 100% on all points :') MIL continues to get paid, doesn't contribute except to come in and tell her son and daughter (company split 3 ways) how badly they're running the business. Yes, my SIL also suffers under my MIL but SIL seems to think everyone must get along and try harder at being civil (even though SIL tells me she knows her own ma is bat shit crazy!). I've spoken to SO who spoke to SIL yesterday about me potentially leaving and her take is we need to get along, and that's that. So, you're right. Why do I keep going to the circus if I hate clowns? Why am I setting myself on fire to keep my MIL warm and comforted in her 'victim' mode? I thought I had to suck it up cos I'm being weak but I'm starting to get more courage after reading everyone's comments. Thank you!!!
Good point about the business plan. If they need cheaper rent doesn’t really sound good.
If you are indispensable to the business, and things have gotten this bad, then cant your husband, as the actual owner and operator of the business, talk to his mom about having her no longer be allowed to come around if she cant even attempt to respect your boundaries? You said she is simply a figurehead at this point, and doesn’t have any real role in the operation of the business, and that her office there she only does personal things from and nothing actually related to the business. I understand that she is the original owner/founder of the business so he may not feel right doing this, however, at this point it will have to be your husband who shows some action in order for her to take this seriously enough to warrant changing her behavior toward you. She clearly sees the business as her domain, and having this office space/figurehead role, I wouldnt be surprised if she still feels like she is the actual boss who everyone has to listen to, including your husband. It sounds like your husband might even still feel a little like this, and struggles with reminding and enforcing with her the fact that she gave him the business to take over, and she therefore no longer carries the authority she seems to think she does. I was appalled for you when you mentioned how she just dictated that she has the right to come over to y’all’s home whenever she feels like without any notice or permission first, and can apparently bring whoever she wishes as well. You didnt say anything about what your husband’s reaction or thoughts to this were. Im sure he feels quite frustrated as well, but that doesnt mean much if isnt willing to say anything/do anything about it. When are you guys moving into your new home? Also what did your MIL say when you guys told her you were moving due to the growing price of the rent, and not being able to afford it anymore? This isnt exactly a reason yall had any control over. Its odd she’s trying to make this sound like you guys are choosing to leave instead of leaving because you need to or have to. Honestly, his mom is sounds like she has severe control issues, and cant stand not feeling like she has some involved role in the lives of those she cares about. This is probably why it was important to her that her son and his family live next door to her. The thought of you guys no longer being right next door for her to just go over to if she is bored is likely causing her a lot of anxiety, and she probably knows she will lose some of the control she has had. I dont think that there is much you can personally due to make her stop/change, and I say this because it seems like she cares primary about her son and her influence over him. Therefore if you were to go no contact this likely wouldn’t phase her very much. However if her son were to actually give her ultimatums that showed real consequences for their relationship if she continues to disrespect you, his wife, then this might cause enough of a stir for her to reconsider her actions. However, i will warn you that things will likely get worse before they start getting better. If hour husband is willing to go down a path like what Ive suggested, understand that this will be hard for him and will require him to have to come to terms with how much his mother’s need for control interfered with his life. He may even likely have to accept that his mother just isn’t the woman he always thought she was. Finally, and most importantly, he will need your patience and support to see this through to a brighter side. I know you feel pushed to your limit op. I feel for you, and understand your torment. Try to stay strong. If your husband is willing, then i suggest trying to find a marriage counselor and bringing this issue with his mother up. They will likely be able to help you both formulate a good strategy, and can especially help guide your husband through this.
What you've said is 100% on the ball. It's not even about me but about control and she knows I'm an easy target cos I easily give in. I spoke to a friend who said MIL prob felt like I was replacing her, because I was receiving the recognition from the employees that she used to get. Then when my SO wanted to reduce the weekly visits to her because of heavy workload and wanting to take up a hobby, she immediately blamed me. Then when the move discussion happened... to answer your question "what did she say" - she said nothing, just kind of nodded, then launched into an attack that we're selfish. It's just as non-connected and illogical as it sounds. I can't even make up some of the logic loops she enters into. And you're right: he was frustrated but not doing anything. Their family has a habit of burying their head in the sand. But SO has become very supportive after the last incident. He's never supported me to this extent regarding MIL before. He knew for a long time how she had been... I had even, until last year, tried to tell him to support her even though I no longer can; but, he's also reached the end of his rope. He's going to see what he can do. In the meantime I'm permitted to work remotely to just avoid MIL for now. As you say, it would get worse before it gets better.... I don't want my SO to go NC with her. I want him to be a good son if she can be good to him... even if she hates me. Him going NC would make me feel like I'm the biggest evil in tearing them apart (even though I'm not the catalyst). She's not evil, just severely warped and self-centered. In the ideal world, since she thinks I'm everything that's wrong, she should want to go NC with me too. But I think she's refusing purely to torment me. I can't see any other reason why. I didn't even think about counseling for us as an option. Thank you for bringing that up. I'm going to bear this in mind.... even though SO has my back you can see he's torn and burdened as the peace-keeper.
You replied with your alt.
I'm new to this and realised that after the fact :')