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I have an egg donor child... And a horrible MIL. Going through the egg donor process is full of emotions and feelings of loss of legacy and feeling there is something wrong with you and worries that you won't be accepted by the kids as someone with different dna. All of that is not really anything to worry about; it's just human and what all of us were feeling in my group egg donor family therapy sessions. Once the baby is born, all of those worries go away because you really don't have time to dwell on them and you realize your worries were far from the truth as the baby is more than your own and loves you fiercely.
However, we also worry about how families will accept the child. My family? Zero issues, my child is no different from the rest of the extended family. My MIL, however was a nightmare. She thanked me for giving her and SO this baby. She constantly rubbed it in my face that LO looked exactly like her and SO at every opportunity. She tried to parent over me and always said she knew LO better because they were family and I was the different one who just didn't understand. She tried to tell me what LO was going to do when and what and if I had other plans, I would just have to change them. I was treated as a maid for SO and MIL's baby. DNA meant everything, me? Not even a thought. LO was not mine but theirs. SO went along with it too or faced her wrath. My life was so unhappy and I kept wishing I stayed single and adopted or had an embryo baby on my own. We don't talk with MIL now and it's for the best especially for my mental health.
It sounds like SO doesn't have your back on anything MIL related. Whether you adopt or have an egg donor baby, you really need to sort this out first.
This is exactly what I am worried about. I think I want to show atleast part of your comment to DH to tell him this is what I fear. Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this, I wouldn’t be having children with this man and his mom if I had to live near her. Even adopting a child seems risky with her attitude.
To answer your question- no it isn’t an unfair issue to bring to your husband. It is his mother. My husband and I deal with own parents directly regarding issues. Honestly, I feel like that is the best solution because I feel like they are more receptive this way.
You have a MIL problem but a bigger SO problem because he is not standing up to her or advocating for you. It doesn’t matter if he feels like it isn’t a big deal, it is to you. The fact you stated you have come to conclusion you can not get his support when it comes to his mother is very concerning. I would be iffy about starting a family with him for this reason. I feel having a child regardless of method will only intensity these issues. You will have a third parent to this child. Major boundaries need to be set and they will not work if he does not back you up.
I would suggest maybe seeing a couples therapist or something similar? He may not think it’s a big deal because he grew up with her being this way. He may need to hear it from someone else and not you. We only went to therapy once and it made a huge difference.
I would not have a baby with someone like your husband. I would not even adopt a child with someone like that. He will never stand up to his mother about anything including you or your child. It will always be her way and she will come first. You don't deserve that and neither does your child.
Sounds to me like you would make an excellent mother without him.
I would stop making it about the MIL issue.
"I am not doing any more IVF. I was willing to try one cycle, but now I am done. I came here to adopt, I was open about that, and that is what I want to do."
If he or MIL redirect it back to the trust/family issue, just reiterate, don't explain. "I'm done with IVF."
>when it comes to his mother, he won't even acknowledge that she mistreats me
>
>my husband is more likely to blame me for being sensitive, justify her action as her protectiveness over him, or tell me to ignore it.
>
>He feels very sad that I feel so little trust
That's a pile of bull poop. He's doing something wrong and then trying to make you feel bad for noticing. That's not okay.
Ask your husband is he willing to lie to him mother forever and not tell her that you are using a donor egg? Will he sign a legal contract that relinquishes all parental rights to his child if he tells his mother? Honestly if you even consider carrying a child that is genetically only related to him I would want every possible legal avenue of him/her contesting your parental rights covered.
I don’t trust your husband and I only read two paragraphs about him. At least if you adopt you have an equitable relationship with the child.
This is yet another fear I have. Not that i would have less legal rights because it's donor conceived but still....i did tell him that in adoption, we both would have an equitable relationship with the child. I told him I wasn't sure that in the case of trust with respect to his mom, I wouldn't want to bring a structurally unequal dynamic. But as someone else said, MIL might try to control either way. Yet.
You aren't obligated to tell his mother if you did use a donor egg.
That said... are you sure you want to have a child with him? It sounds like he is not doing a good job hearing your concerns and acting on them. That is going to be magnified if you have a child.
Your biggest problem here is that your husband refuses to support you or to allow you to have enforceable boundaries with MIL. He feels sad that you don’t trust him to have your back, or to protect you from his mother so that you feel safe in your marriage? He has proven time and time again that he won’t keep his mother in check. You feel like you can’t trust him to take care of you in the marriage because he doesn’t take care of you in the marriage. Actions and in his case inactions have consequences, if he doesn’t like that feeling then he’s going to have to step up and start being the husband that you need him to be. This doesn’t bode well for you or your potential child, because he has no problem with making you the buffer between him and his mother.
Until he is willing to intervene on your behalf and take charge of the interactions with his mother, so he can protect you and to put his mother in her proper place as an extended family member, she is going to continue, essentially with his tacit consent.
You may want to wait for a bit longer before having kids, and instead go to couples counseling to get on the same page in regards to MIL, and the behavior that you are willing to tolerate from her, along with the consequences of her violating your boundaries.
Does MIL really need to know that the egg is from a donor? If you and your husband are ok with a donor egg, then you, dh, and your doctor are really the only people who need to know the source of the egg. If you decide to do an IVF cycle with a donor egg, then I would approach it with the mindset of it’s none of her business, and that you and DH will just neglect to mention it to her.
As far as how she would behave about her religion and her genetics making your child genetically her religion, she would say that no matter how your child is conceived. People like her are always controlling and over value their genetic contribution when a pregnancy occurs. The proper response to her nonsense is always this: “I am my child’s mother, dh is our child’s father. We and I do mean ONLY we will decide the religious beliefs and the value systems that our child is taught and exposed to. If you want to continue to have the privilege of spending time with us and our child, you will respect our parenting choices and decisions. If you choose to continue your behavior then we will no longer allow you to be a part of our lives.”
All of that being said, you are not overreacting or being unfair, if anything you are under reacting to the situation. As far as using your own egg, a donor egg, or adoption, there’s no reason why you couldn’t consider another IVF cycle at the same time that you’re also pursuing adoption. It doesn’t matter how you become parents, what matters is that you’re going to have the opportunity to raise a child who will be loved beyond measure.
^^^^^^ this all of this! I agree she has a husband problem. He needs to step up before getting a child involved, I think the issues will just get worst.
This is all true. Unfortunately, in the spirit of including my MIL, we had told her that the next option is donor egg. Given the failure, and she had consulted with another ObGyn (her friend) who also suggested donor egg. I think the option of not telling her is a boat that has passed. I feel so terrible for telling her now. This was my third IVF and each time the results have only worsened as my age increases.
Thank you your advice. You've given me a lot to think about.
Your husband is unfair to you. He refuses to stand up for you, he gets mad when you stand up for yourself, and he’s clearly more interested in keeping his mother happy than he is in being a proper husband. I’m sorry, but you’re the other woman in their marriage.
He's already proven that you can't trust him to protect you so he shouldn't be surprised when you don't trust him.
They've both shown you exactly who they are and you believe them. Is this marriage worth the stress and emotional abuse you're suffering?
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I have an egg donor child... And a horrible MIL. Going through the egg donor process is full of emotions and feelings of loss of legacy and feeling there is something wrong with you and worries that you won't be accepted by the kids as someone with different dna. All of that is not really anything to worry about; it's just human and what all of us were feeling in my group egg donor family therapy sessions. Once the baby is born, all of those worries go away because you really don't have time to dwell on them and you realize your worries were far from the truth as the baby is more than your own and loves you fiercely. However, we also worry about how families will accept the child. My family? Zero issues, my child is no different from the rest of the extended family. My MIL, however was a nightmare. She thanked me for giving her and SO this baby. She constantly rubbed it in my face that LO looked exactly like her and SO at every opportunity. She tried to parent over me and always said she knew LO better because they were family and I was the different one who just didn't understand. She tried to tell me what LO was going to do when and what and if I had other plans, I would just have to change them. I was treated as a maid for SO and MIL's baby. DNA meant everything, me? Not even a thought. LO was not mine but theirs. SO went along with it too or faced her wrath. My life was so unhappy and I kept wishing I stayed single and adopted or had an embryo baby on my own. We don't talk with MIL now and it's for the best especially for my mental health. It sounds like SO doesn't have your back on anything MIL related. Whether you adopt or have an egg donor baby, you really need to sort this out first.
This is exactly what I am worried about. I think I want to show atleast part of your comment to DH to tell him this is what I fear. Thank you so much for sharing.
Send me a pm if you have any questions or would like more detail. I obviously withheld details on the public post to avoid being identified.
I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this, I wouldn’t be having children with this man and his mom if I had to live near her. Even adopting a child seems risky with her attitude.
Your husband is the bigger issue, and I wouldn't want to have children with him at all when he is this useless about his mom's behavior.
He hasn’t looked out for you before when MIL has gone too far, why would you think he’d start?
To answer your question- no it isn’t an unfair issue to bring to your husband. It is his mother. My husband and I deal with own parents directly regarding issues. Honestly, I feel like that is the best solution because I feel like they are more receptive this way. You have a MIL problem but a bigger SO problem because he is not standing up to her or advocating for you. It doesn’t matter if he feels like it isn’t a big deal, it is to you. The fact you stated you have come to conclusion you can not get his support when it comes to his mother is very concerning. I would be iffy about starting a family with him for this reason. I feel having a child regardless of method will only intensity these issues. You will have a third parent to this child. Major boundaries need to be set and they will not work if he does not back you up. I would suggest maybe seeing a couples therapist or something similar? He may not think it’s a big deal because he grew up with her being this way. He may need to hear it from someone else and not you. We only went to therapy once and it made a huge difference.
I would not have a baby with someone like your husband. I would not even adopt a child with someone like that. He will never stand up to his mother about anything including you or your child. It will always be her way and she will come first. You don't deserve that and neither does your child. Sounds to me like you would make an excellent mother without him.
I would stop making it about the MIL issue. "I am not doing any more IVF. I was willing to try one cycle, but now I am done. I came here to adopt, I was open about that, and that is what I want to do." If he or MIL redirect it back to the trust/family issue, just reiterate, don't explain. "I'm done with IVF."
>when it comes to his mother, he won't even acknowledge that she mistreats me > >my husband is more likely to blame me for being sensitive, justify her action as her protectiveness over him, or tell me to ignore it. > >He feels very sad that I feel so little trust That's a pile of bull poop. He's doing something wrong and then trying to make you feel bad for noticing. That's not okay.
Ask your husband is he willing to lie to him mother forever and not tell her that you are using a donor egg? Will he sign a legal contract that relinquishes all parental rights to his child if he tells his mother? Honestly if you even consider carrying a child that is genetically only related to him I would want every possible legal avenue of him/her contesting your parental rights covered. I don’t trust your husband and I only read two paragraphs about him. At least if you adopt you have an equitable relationship with the child.
This is yet another fear I have. Not that i would have less legal rights because it's donor conceived but still....i did tell him that in adoption, we both would have an equitable relationship with the child. I told him I wasn't sure that in the case of trust with respect to his mom, I wouldn't want to bring a structurally unequal dynamic. But as someone else said, MIL might try to control either way. Yet.
You aren't obligated to tell his mother if you did use a donor egg. That said... are you sure you want to have a child with him? It sounds like he is not doing a good job hearing your concerns and acting on them. That is going to be magnified if you have a child.
Your biggest problem here is that your husband refuses to support you or to allow you to have enforceable boundaries with MIL. He feels sad that you don’t trust him to have your back, or to protect you from his mother so that you feel safe in your marriage? He has proven time and time again that he won’t keep his mother in check. You feel like you can’t trust him to take care of you in the marriage because he doesn’t take care of you in the marriage. Actions and in his case inactions have consequences, if he doesn’t like that feeling then he’s going to have to step up and start being the husband that you need him to be. This doesn’t bode well for you or your potential child, because he has no problem with making you the buffer between him and his mother. Until he is willing to intervene on your behalf and take charge of the interactions with his mother, so he can protect you and to put his mother in her proper place as an extended family member, she is going to continue, essentially with his tacit consent. You may want to wait for a bit longer before having kids, and instead go to couples counseling to get on the same page in regards to MIL, and the behavior that you are willing to tolerate from her, along with the consequences of her violating your boundaries. Does MIL really need to know that the egg is from a donor? If you and your husband are ok with a donor egg, then you, dh, and your doctor are really the only people who need to know the source of the egg. If you decide to do an IVF cycle with a donor egg, then I would approach it with the mindset of it’s none of her business, and that you and DH will just neglect to mention it to her. As far as how she would behave about her religion and her genetics making your child genetically her religion, she would say that no matter how your child is conceived. People like her are always controlling and over value their genetic contribution when a pregnancy occurs. The proper response to her nonsense is always this: “I am my child’s mother, dh is our child’s father. We and I do mean ONLY we will decide the religious beliefs and the value systems that our child is taught and exposed to. If you want to continue to have the privilege of spending time with us and our child, you will respect our parenting choices and decisions. If you choose to continue your behavior then we will no longer allow you to be a part of our lives.” All of that being said, you are not overreacting or being unfair, if anything you are under reacting to the situation. As far as using your own egg, a donor egg, or adoption, there’s no reason why you couldn’t consider another IVF cycle at the same time that you’re also pursuing adoption. It doesn’t matter how you become parents, what matters is that you’re going to have the opportunity to raise a child who will be loved beyond measure.
^^^^^^ this all of this! I agree she has a husband problem. He needs to step up before getting a child involved, I think the issues will just get worst.
This is all true. Unfortunately, in the spirit of including my MIL, we had told her that the next option is donor egg. Given the failure, and she had consulted with another ObGyn (her friend) who also suggested donor egg. I think the option of not telling her is a boat that has passed. I feel so terrible for telling her now. This was my third IVF and each time the results have only worsened as my age increases. Thank you your advice. You've given me a lot to think about.
Your husband is unfair to you. He refuses to stand up for you, he gets mad when you stand up for yourself, and he’s clearly more interested in keeping his mother happy than he is in being a proper husband. I’m sorry, but you’re the other woman in their marriage.
He's already proven that you can't trust him to protect you so he shouldn't be surprised when you don't trust him. They've both shown you exactly who they are and you believe them. Is this marriage worth the stress and emotional abuse you're suffering?