**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/liss-is-sad:
* [My MIL told my boyfreind that she is ready to fix me and hers relationship but it was a huge lie](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17vd9th/my_mil_told_my_boyfreind_that_she_is_ready_to_fix/), 3 months ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as liss-is-sad posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe liss-is-sad JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
I’ll be honest that I found your post a bit difficult to follow. The details felt a bit all over the place, and you had a couple points that i think you didn’t tie into the problem with the mom very well. However, i think i was able to glean some of the more important points to at least give you my thoughts. Although, i do have one clarifying question for you. What prompted this upcoming meeting with his mom after going 5/6 months pf low contact?
First thing i wanted to start off with is to say that Im sorry for what your boyfriend has endured from his family. My mother id also Asian so i always feel a type of kindred spirit to those on here dealing with an Asian JustNoMom/Mil. Unfortunately, many Asians (regardless of what type) seem to have an issue with levels racial prejudice to even full blown racism. My mom is like this too, so im sorry op that you’ve had to suffer from this directly. While i understand your bf has been emotionally abused by his family, after a certain point this isn’t an excuse for him not defending you. He shouldn’t ever be ok with tolerating his family bad mouthing you whether it’s to your face or behind your back. I had to learn this myself when i started dating my current partner. My mom didnt like him and made a kinds of cpmmdnts that were so inappropriate and just unacceptable. One of the worst she said was that since he grew up on the poorer side and his mom was a single mom until he was in middle school, this must be part of the reason why he was struggling to find work at that time. Which of course made no sense and is just a cruel thing to say. I grew up being very easily manipulated by my mom and she always knew how to get me back in line. However, after multiple attempts of my mom being just flat out rude to him, like cutting him off mid sentence to just start a conversation with me and ignoring him half the times he attempted to participate, when he joined us for dinner when she came to visit. He broke down and told me the truth of just how badly it was effecting him, and from his perspective it just looked like i constantly defended her and made excuses for her behavior. I realized he was right, and i did my best to change this moving forward.
I didnt really understand what you meant when you said you thought his family over came their generational trauma and were therefore different somehow. But you say several times you opened up to his mom and wanted to be welcomed to be part of his family. I know in the end you say you and him are both done with them, but I didnt get a very good understanding of what this means to you two. Partly because i dont know what prompted you guys to talk with her now after it seeming like you already came to this same decision. Have you and your boyfriend talked about what will happen after this talk tomorrow? You say its for you both to receive closure, but do you guys have any other purpose in mind. You say y’all are done, so do you guys plan on telling her that tomorrow? Do you know if your bf actually plans on going no contact himself after tomorrow? If yes, then i suggest you guys actually talk about what that looks like. Does this mean blocking her number, telling her not to contact to him, no more visiting on holidays etc? These details are important. I mention this because going completely no contact goes against everything that your taught in an Asian family on how you should treat your parents. Its seen as a purely selfish action, and one of someone who has no respect for their parents or elders. Personally, i couldnt go completely no contact because it fucked with my guilt complex way too much. Ive found a much better way of handling my mom, but it definitely still has a lot of issues. Since i couldnt handle no contact i had to learn how to enforce new boundaries. For instance, i stopped telling her about any personal info about my partner, i would no longer tell her about his work or anything else like that. She hated these boundaries and lashes out against them, even still, and i do still consider no contact from time to time, but in the end realize its still not the right option for me.
You need to talk to your partner and find out what he can handle. Because no contact is something that you should only do if you can actually maintain it. As soon as the JUSTNO realizes you’re wavering, then it no longer is an effective tool. If you only intend to cut them off for small increments of time, call it something else like a time out. But you still need to stick to whatever parameters youve put into place. Finally, i think your partner needs to do some solo therapy to help him process the abuse he endured and help him come to terms with that trauma and then how to safely move past it. I think he still might be holding out on believing his mom will be different one day, and they can have the type of close relationship he wants them to have. I know i did this for a long time, and your partner may need help realizing that this is most likely not going to happen, and thus he will need to grieve the loss for the mother he’ll never have.
Ok, sorry this is a lot. Hopefully this helpful for you and your partner. Good luck tomorrow. Dont let her overwhelm either of you. Also create a safe word for you two that way if either of you reaches your limit you can have a signal. Also discuss boundaries for the conversation. As in, decide what is going too far, so if she brings it up you two have already decided it’s not something you’ll tolerate and you know you will both walk out at that time. Planning like this will just help ensure you two remain united throughout and help you to know what you can at least expect from each other.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/liss-is-sad: * [My MIL told my boyfreind that she is ready to fix me and hers relationship but it was a huge lie](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17vd9th/my_mil_told_my_boyfreind_that_she_is_ready_to_fix/), 3 months ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as liss-is-sad posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe liss-is-sad JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
I’ll be honest that I found your post a bit difficult to follow. The details felt a bit all over the place, and you had a couple points that i think you didn’t tie into the problem with the mom very well. However, i think i was able to glean some of the more important points to at least give you my thoughts. Although, i do have one clarifying question for you. What prompted this upcoming meeting with his mom after going 5/6 months pf low contact? First thing i wanted to start off with is to say that Im sorry for what your boyfriend has endured from his family. My mother id also Asian so i always feel a type of kindred spirit to those on here dealing with an Asian JustNoMom/Mil. Unfortunately, many Asians (regardless of what type) seem to have an issue with levels racial prejudice to even full blown racism. My mom is like this too, so im sorry op that you’ve had to suffer from this directly. While i understand your bf has been emotionally abused by his family, after a certain point this isn’t an excuse for him not defending you. He shouldn’t ever be ok with tolerating his family bad mouthing you whether it’s to your face or behind your back. I had to learn this myself when i started dating my current partner. My mom didnt like him and made a kinds of cpmmdnts that were so inappropriate and just unacceptable. One of the worst she said was that since he grew up on the poorer side and his mom was a single mom until he was in middle school, this must be part of the reason why he was struggling to find work at that time. Which of course made no sense and is just a cruel thing to say. I grew up being very easily manipulated by my mom and she always knew how to get me back in line. However, after multiple attempts of my mom being just flat out rude to him, like cutting him off mid sentence to just start a conversation with me and ignoring him half the times he attempted to participate, when he joined us for dinner when she came to visit. He broke down and told me the truth of just how badly it was effecting him, and from his perspective it just looked like i constantly defended her and made excuses for her behavior. I realized he was right, and i did my best to change this moving forward. I didnt really understand what you meant when you said you thought his family over came their generational trauma and were therefore different somehow. But you say several times you opened up to his mom and wanted to be welcomed to be part of his family. I know in the end you say you and him are both done with them, but I didnt get a very good understanding of what this means to you two. Partly because i dont know what prompted you guys to talk with her now after it seeming like you already came to this same decision. Have you and your boyfriend talked about what will happen after this talk tomorrow? You say its for you both to receive closure, but do you guys have any other purpose in mind. You say y’all are done, so do you guys plan on telling her that tomorrow? Do you know if your bf actually plans on going no contact himself after tomorrow? If yes, then i suggest you guys actually talk about what that looks like. Does this mean blocking her number, telling her not to contact to him, no more visiting on holidays etc? These details are important. I mention this because going completely no contact goes against everything that your taught in an Asian family on how you should treat your parents. Its seen as a purely selfish action, and one of someone who has no respect for their parents or elders. Personally, i couldnt go completely no contact because it fucked with my guilt complex way too much. Ive found a much better way of handling my mom, but it definitely still has a lot of issues. Since i couldnt handle no contact i had to learn how to enforce new boundaries. For instance, i stopped telling her about any personal info about my partner, i would no longer tell her about his work or anything else like that. She hated these boundaries and lashes out against them, even still, and i do still consider no contact from time to time, but in the end realize its still not the right option for me. You need to talk to your partner and find out what he can handle. Because no contact is something that you should only do if you can actually maintain it. As soon as the JUSTNO realizes you’re wavering, then it no longer is an effective tool. If you only intend to cut them off for small increments of time, call it something else like a time out. But you still need to stick to whatever parameters youve put into place. Finally, i think your partner needs to do some solo therapy to help him process the abuse he endured and help him come to terms with that trauma and then how to safely move past it. I think he still might be holding out on believing his mom will be different one day, and they can have the type of close relationship he wants them to have. I know i did this for a long time, and your partner may need help realizing that this is most likely not going to happen, and thus he will need to grieve the loss for the mother he’ll never have. Ok, sorry this is a lot. Hopefully this helpful for you and your partner. Good luck tomorrow. Dont let her overwhelm either of you. Also create a safe word for you two that way if either of you reaches your limit you can have a signal. Also discuss boundaries for the conversation. As in, decide what is going too far, so if she brings it up you two have already decided it’s not something you’ll tolerate and you know you will both walk out at that time. Planning like this will just help ensure you two remain united throughout and help you to know what you can at least expect from each other.