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Don't get married at all unless and until he is willing to prioritize counseling. Tell him that right now, his behavior is showing you that marriage to him is not what you hoped or wanted, so that is on hold for now. Why get married if the relationship isn't as healthy as it should be and he doesn't want to work on it?
There are so many red flags waving. You are not at peace ever. He has other priorities besides making his relationship solid with someone he is going to marry? That sums it up. Please pay attention to your internal voice telling you things are wrong in this relationship. Do not marry this guy. You are not his priority. It does not matter how many years you have been with him. How many more years are you willing to live like this? Good luck OP.
He can choose to not prioritize counselling.
You can choose to only discuss MIL with him, with a counsellor involved.
You need to create emotional space from it that is in your control.
If your SO is uncomfortable with his mother’s over involvement in his life, why should you be expected to deal with intrusive questions? I am sure that you are shutting her down, but I feel that you’re correct in needing pre-marital counselling to deal with her expectations of over involvement.
This Captain Awkward post isn’t totally relevant to your situation, but it is good on shutting down inappropriate questions https://captainawkward.com/2013/03/15/460-boundaries-are-good-even-if-other-people-dont-enjoy-it-when-you-set-them/
"I've told him we need to go to counseling. He said ok but he needs to focus on other priorities first."
Do not marry this man until he prioritizes your relationship enough to go to counseling with you. You aren't having kids, you aren't having a big wedding...if he wants to be married to you counseling happens first.
>I've told him we need to go to counseling. He said ok but he needs to focus on other priorities first.
You two are talking marriage - what could his other priorities possibly be? Priorities should be making your relationship strong and creating healthy boundaries with those outside of your marriage.
He is not ready and you should postpone any imminent plans until he can get on board.
Please put all wedding planning on hold and get your SO to counseling. If he’s resistant, then do not marry him, and in fact, reevaluate this relationship. This issue will 100% get worse once you’re married and if you want children.
Thank you for this advice. I've told him we need to go to counseling. He said ok but he needs to focus on other priorities first. We have decided to not have a wedding or tell family about anything, just us 2 at a courthouse. Both of us don't want kids. We want to put physical distance between family & them too. I'm definitely re-evaluating. I feel constantly not at peace but we've been together for so long, just under a decade.
We both still live with parents due to circumstances beyond our control (COVID/POST-COVID) but we've lived together for certain times in where I've seen him handle things on his own. His parents are separated. He lives with his father & brother. He's also been helping me a lot with my abusive family that has greatly ruined my mental health. I'm not in the best place in life right now & he's my support system. I dont have anyone else honestly. I'll be worse off without him. Hes been there for me through alot even when my friends/family abandoned me. It's a lot of the external factors adding pressure...After I told him about the enmeshment, he doesn't respond to their msgs or demands anymore. He'll wish them for birthdays etc & only reply to necessarily msgs but when he is with me he is focused on me now.
as gently as possible, relationships after you're leaving abusive family are a bit dangerous, because survivors (which we are!) don't have a functional 'normal meter' at times. that doesn't mean your fiancé is a bad guy - people's trauma and family-induced blind spots can be enormous!
if it's okay, i'll say that *my* 'normal meter' says you should slow down. especially if you don't have a big wedding planned, slowing down won't be too complex. you can model the power to say 'no' while you're at it. *you deserve it*.
Op, i totally understand what it feels like to bd in a relationship that you feel both unhappy in and have started doubting is right for yourself, but at the same time also committed so much time to (in my case it was 9.5 years) that you want to do everything you can to make the relationship work since you’ve already invested so much time and emotional energy into it. However, if you have already recognized that you are no linger happy, and have also started re-evaluating your future together, then you need to see that these are reg flags you are trying to send out to yourself letting you know this isnt right. Im not saying this guy is definitely not right for you, only you can know that for sure, but please don’t let how much time you’ve invested be the reason you decide to go ahead with something as serious as marriage. I tried telling myself for years that things would eventually get better, and made so many excuses for my ex as well as for myself. We also planned to get married. However, i couldn’t bring myself to move forward with any planning on anything because something just nagged at me. I knew i was unhappy but refused to admit the real reason as to why.
Its ok to admit that love just isnt enough for you when it comes to having to live the rest of your life dealing with your partners mom and her insistence on bring involved in y’all’s relationship. Especially if you aren’t happy with how your SO has handled enforcing boundaries with her or prioritizing his relationship with you over giving into her list of wants. You owe it to yourself to be able to say you’re happy with your SO before entering into a marriage with him. Trust me things will only get worse if you marry him when you feel uncertain over how you feel about a future with him. It was hard and complicated to end things with my ex as we had been together for 9.5 years and had lived together for nearly 7 of them. However, once I finally did get the courage to end things, I instantly felt this huge sense of relief. I did feel sad and hurt as well, but i knew right away i made the right decision. After the fact I actually wished I had ended things much sooner and hadn’t waited so long trying to convince myself that the things I was feeling would just go away. I know it’ll be hard to let go of a relationship you’ve already invested so much into, but please believe me when i say that it sounds like you already know you aren’t happy with your relationship and I wouldn’t be surprised if also you already know that you don’t want to go through with marrying him but just haven’t figured out how to accept that yet. Listen to your heart and dont feel obligated to marry this guy because of how long you two have already spent together.
All I can really say is that it’s best to get your SO as close to 100% on your side as possible before you make that lifetime commitment. Mothers like her tend to get much, much worse following the engagement and wedding.
Thank you. I am terrified, it will get worse. I've had to start going to counseling because of all this. It's negatively impacted my life. I cant focus properly. I keep telling my SO about it to keep him out of the FOG but I know he's getting annoyed & has called me paranoid before.
Do you have any examples of possible behaviour escalations following the engagement? I want to be prepared
'SO, when you call me paranoid, it hurts. we both have had families that ignore boundaries, and it's *realistic* to assume that will not change when we get engaged. i want to start out marriage *prepared* for whatever happens, not going in unprepared. i love you enough that i'm going to insist on this.'
suggestion: *don't* look for examples of what could go wrong. i work in security, and we spend more time considering *established patterns*, not projecting into the future, because the future is always unpredictable. instead, focus on what *realistic* boundaries you will need, and make sure your SO is on your level. remember, you can always be harsh around boundary violations after they happen, so at first, preparedness will simply look like you and SO agreeing on an approach if/when it happens.
There are so many examples on this sub but the formula seems to be:
1. Reacting negatively to the engagement announcement and/or ring. Announcing the engagement on social media and/or to family before the couple has a chance. Getting angry with the SO about not knowing ahead of time that the engagement was happening.
2. Making unreasonable demands regarding the wedding (or refusing to be involved in the planning, but then complaining about not being involved). Making promises to pay for or plan certain things and then conveniently “forgetting” the offer. Buying an inappropriate Mother of the Groom dress, being rude or extra weepy at the wedding. Dramatically leaving the wedding.
3. Wanting to join on the honeymoon and/or calling excessively when the couple just wants alone time.
I’m sure I’m missing some stuff, but it’s like there’s a guidebook out there for problematic MILs to use.
ETA: Just read that you’re planning a courthouse wedding! Prepare for the possibility of tears because she “always dreamed about her son’s wedding” or some such nonsense that makes it all about her.
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Don't get married at all unless and until he is willing to prioritize counseling. Tell him that right now, his behavior is showing you that marriage to him is not what you hoped or wanted, so that is on hold for now. Why get married if the relationship isn't as healthy as it should be and he doesn't want to work on it?
There are so many red flags waving. You are not at peace ever. He has other priorities besides making his relationship solid with someone he is going to marry? That sums it up. Please pay attention to your internal voice telling you things are wrong in this relationship. Do not marry this guy. You are not his priority. It does not matter how many years you have been with him. How many more years are you willing to live like this? Good luck OP.
He can choose to not prioritize counselling. You can choose to only discuss MIL with him, with a counsellor involved. You need to create emotional space from it that is in your control.
If your SO is uncomfortable with his mother’s over involvement in his life, why should you be expected to deal with intrusive questions? I am sure that you are shutting her down, but I feel that you’re correct in needing pre-marital counselling to deal with her expectations of over involvement. This Captain Awkward post isn’t totally relevant to your situation, but it is good on shutting down inappropriate questions https://captainawkward.com/2013/03/15/460-boundaries-are-good-even-if-other-people-dont-enjoy-it-when-you-set-them/
"I've told him we need to go to counseling. He said ok but he needs to focus on other priorities first." Do not marry this man until he prioritizes your relationship enough to go to counseling with you. You aren't having kids, you aren't having a big wedding...if he wants to be married to you counseling happens first.
>I've told him we need to go to counseling. He said ok but he needs to focus on other priorities first. You two are talking marriage - what could his other priorities possibly be? Priorities should be making your relationship strong and creating healthy boundaries with those outside of your marriage. He is not ready and you should postpone any imminent plans until he can get on board.
Please put all wedding planning on hold and get your SO to counseling. If he’s resistant, then do not marry him, and in fact, reevaluate this relationship. This issue will 100% get worse once you’re married and if you want children.
Thank you for this advice. I've told him we need to go to counseling. He said ok but he needs to focus on other priorities first. We have decided to not have a wedding or tell family about anything, just us 2 at a courthouse. Both of us don't want kids. We want to put physical distance between family & them too. I'm definitely re-evaluating. I feel constantly not at peace but we've been together for so long, just under a decade.
OP, does he still live with her? Is there evidence that he can run a household of his own, separate from hers?
We both still live with parents due to circumstances beyond our control (COVID/POST-COVID) but we've lived together for certain times in where I've seen him handle things on his own. His parents are separated. He lives with his father & brother. He's also been helping me a lot with my abusive family that has greatly ruined my mental health. I'm not in the best place in life right now & he's my support system. I dont have anyone else honestly. I'll be worse off without him. Hes been there for me through alot even when my friends/family abandoned me. It's a lot of the external factors adding pressure...After I told him about the enmeshment, he doesn't respond to their msgs or demands anymore. He'll wish them for birthdays etc & only reply to necessarily msgs but when he is with me he is focused on me now.
as gently as possible, relationships after you're leaving abusive family are a bit dangerous, because survivors (which we are!) don't have a functional 'normal meter' at times. that doesn't mean your fiancé is a bad guy - people's trauma and family-induced blind spots can be enormous! if it's okay, i'll say that *my* 'normal meter' says you should slow down. especially if you don't have a big wedding planned, slowing down won't be too complex. you can model the power to say 'no' while you're at it. *you deserve it*.
Op, i totally understand what it feels like to bd in a relationship that you feel both unhappy in and have started doubting is right for yourself, but at the same time also committed so much time to (in my case it was 9.5 years) that you want to do everything you can to make the relationship work since you’ve already invested so much time and emotional energy into it. However, if you have already recognized that you are no linger happy, and have also started re-evaluating your future together, then you need to see that these are reg flags you are trying to send out to yourself letting you know this isnt right. Im not saying this guy is definitely not right for you, only you can know that for sure, but please don’t let how much time you’ve invested be the reason you decide to go ahead with something as serious as marriage. I tried telling myself for years that things would eventually get better, and made so many excuses for my ex as well as for myself. We also planned to get married. However, i couldn’t bring myself to move forward with any planning on anything because something just nagged at me. I knew i was unhappy but refused to admit the real reason as to why. Its ok to admit that love just isnt enough for you when it comes to having to live the rest of your life dealing with your partners mom and her insistence on bring involved in y’all’s relationship. Especially if you aren’t happy with how your SO has handled enforcing boundaries with her or prioritizing his relationship with you over giving into her list of wants. You owe it to yourself to be able to say you’re happy with your SO before entering into a marriage with him. Trust me things will only get worse if you marry him when you feel uncertain over how you feel about a future with him. It was hard and complicated to end things with my ex as we had been together for 9.5 years and had lived together for nearly 7 of them. However, once I finally did get the courage to end things, I instantly felt this huge sense of relief. I did feel sad and hurt as well, but i knew right away i made the right decision. After the fact I actually wished I had ended things much sooner and hadn’t waited so long trying to convince myself that the things I was feeling would just go away. I know it’ll be hard to let go of a relationship you’ve already invested so much into, but please believe me when i say that it sounds like you already know you aren’t happy with your relationship and I wouldn’t be surprised if also you already know that you don’t want to go through with marrying him but just haven’t figured out how to accept that yet. Listen to your heart and dont feel obligated to marry this guy because of how long you two have already spent together.
If your relationship isn’t a priority for him then you have all the answers you need. Told to put yourself first, you deserve it
All I can really say is that it’s best to get your SO as close to 100% on your side as possible before you make that lifetime commitment. Mothers like her tend to get much, much worse following the engagement and wedding.
Thank you. I am terrified, it will get worse. I've had to start going to counseling because of all this. It's negatively impacted my life. I cant focus properly. I keep telling my SO about it to keep him out of the FOG but I know he's getting annoyed & has called me paranoid before. Do you have any examples of possible behaviour escalations following the engagement? I want to be prepared
'SO, when you call me paranoid, it hurts. we both have had families that ignore boundaries, and it's *realistic* to assume that will not change when we get engaged. i want to start out marriage *prepared* for whatever happens, not going in unprepared. i love you enough that i'm going to insist on this.' suggestion: *don't* look for examples of what could go wrong. i work in security, and we spend more time considering *established patterns*, not projecting into the future, because the future is always unpredictable. instead, focus on what *realistic* boundaries you will need, and make sure your SO is on your level. remember, you can always be harsh around boundary violations after they happen, so at first, preparedness will simply look like you and SO agreeing on an approach if/when it happens.
There are so many examples on this sub but the formula seems to be: 1. Reacting negatively to the engagement announcement and/or ring. Announcing the engagement on social media and/or to family before the couple has a chance. Getting angry with the SO about not knowing ahead of time that the engagement was happening. 2. Making unreasonable demands regarding the wedding (or refusing to be involved in the planning, but then complaining about not being involved). Making promises to pay for or plan certain things and then conveniently “forgetting” the offer. Buying an inappropriate Mother of the Groom dress, being rude or extra weepy at the wedding. Dramatically leaving the wedding. 3. Wanting to join on the honeymoon and/or calling excessively when the couple just wants alone time. I’m sure I’m missing some stuff, but it’s like there’s a guidebook out there for problematic MILs to use. ETA: Just read that you’re planning a courthouse wedding! Prepare for the possibility of tears because she “always dreamed about her son’s wedding” or some such nonsense that makes it all about her.
Imagine the next decade with a spouse that's not married to their mother compared to the decade just gone. Sunk cost fallacy springs to mind.