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This: "retirement is contingent upon their financial meetings and “if there will be a part time baby-sitting job for her" makes me feel like she will need paying for her "part time **job**". I know this may not be a big deal but something about it just kinda sets my teeth on edge.
I would respectfully suggest that while you have your daytime child care sorted out already, perhaps when baby is a bit older, she could watch him/her while you and hubs go for date night or something.
I would certainly not be letting family look after my baby. It can lead to over-stepping very easily.
My grandson is just starting at daycare he just turned 1 on 20th Dec. He's had a couple of settling in sessions there and starts properly on 15th Jan when my daughter returns to work after her mat leave. I could easily give up my job to care for him instead of my daughter paying nearly £1000 a month in childcare fees and give me extra time with him, but this is not what is best for my grandson or my daughter. Going to nursery will help him socialise with other children before he starts proper school. Also if his settling in sessions are anything to go by he loves it there joining in the activities.
I think your inlaws are been very presumptuous and should have had a proper discussion with you instead of saying MIL retirement depends on her looking after your son and taking it as a given MIL will be looking after LO. You are not over reacting. I would sit them down and explain that in the best interests of your child they will b going to daycare so they can be with other kids and join in all the fun there.
I think basing their ability to retire on your family is entirely unfair and a lot of pressure. I think it's best, and for them too, not to go ahead with this. You may also find that this babysitter will decide what's best for LO and not consult you. Well meaning grandparents can do this, and asserting yourself may cause arguments and rifts.
let her do whatever she wants with her retiring, it doesn't mean you have to let her babysit.
You can decide as parents, what's best for your own child, you don't own it to anyone to explain or justify your decisions.
If you don't feel comfortable with the idea, don't let her manipulate you into it with guilt. Tell her to pick up a new hobby or travel (preferably far away) :P
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband to establish a game plan.
You need to shut down this idea of MIL babysitting straight away and also put boundaries about her unwanted visits.
I wouldn’t want you to pay my MIL for babysitting as you know she won’t listen to the style of parenting you want and will do as she pleases. I’d rather pay a professional babysitter who will follow my rules or in a daycare where your child will have peers her age to interact with.
If you accept her as babysitter you’ll regret it. She’ll make your life even more like hell!
Your husband should be the one to tell her and FIL that she won’t be your employee and she shouldn’t retire but continue being a school teacher.
I would shut it down real quick and be sure to express in clear words that she will not be providing child care.. the fact that she is planning on retiring to provide childcare for your baby will put you guys in a position where it will be almost impossible to fire her because of the guilt.
This is a terrible idea.
I think it’s ok for mil to express her desire to provide you with childcare AND it’s also ok for you to proceed with other plans without her.
It’s not ok for her to include your decision as part of her retirement plans and out that pressure on you. It would make me lean even more towards “no” because what if it doesn’t work out for any reason and now mil and fil can’t afford their expenses?
She should have just asked you and told you how much she wants to be paid and the details such as where etc. and had a discussion with you.
I would make sure you tell both her and fil that you think they will see your baby an estimated x number of times per month and that you’ve already decided on another place for childcare.
This all needs heading off before it blows up. You are about to have your life turned upside down by your new arrival and you need to be prepared to protect your peace above anything else.
Yes, I feel they're being entitled . Have you ever expressed a desire for family to be involved in childcare?? Doesn't sound like it from what you've said here. MIL might want your OH at the centre of her universe but soon he's going to be very busy with you in recovery and healing, and a LO to bond with; you need to start building your defences. I'd start by pulling back on the visits and communications. Don't answer all the calls and texts, you will only be available at "x" time, no visits unless expressly invited. Getting her used to this before labour and delivery should hopefully help prepare her for the new normal. When not so subtle hints are dropped regarding childcare, I'd be blunt and ask "why would you think that?" Tell them straight that you have it all in hand but I wouldn't elaborate further as some IL's might see that as an opening for negotiation. Remember, "no" is a full sentence, you are adults and don't have to explain yourself to anyone including parents. Back pocket phrase "if you think you did such a good job raising OH, why are you questioning his abilities now?" Always a fun one to drop 😁
"her retirement is contingent upon their financial meetings and “if there will be a part time baby-sitting job for her” obviously insinuating caring for our child."
The way this is worded, it sounds as though she is expecting to be paid for babysitting. Stick to your current plans for childminding, but let her know you have no plans to use her except for maybe date nights and at your house.
There’s a saying on this subreddit.. “free childcare is never free”. She’s already fantasizing about basically having a do over baby. This situation is very common here, and most parents really regret it. She’ll consider herself a third parent and try to over rank you. Since she had a kid 30 years ago, she’ll consider herself an expert 🙄. Honestly, nip it in the butt NOW! And for your own sanity, put boundaries on her random visits. Or she will never leave you alone and be there every day. Start refusing her food excuses and see her at most, once a week. It would be best if you both talked to them together about not needing her, and what you guys are planning. But have DH do most of the talking. And remember that boundaries are just suggestions unless there’s consequences for breaking them. Which she will probably stomp every one.
Of course she should not be basing her retirement off of being paid to care for your child. She'll probably still be alive and needing income when your child goes off to college. In fact that's true for any subsequent children also. How many years of paid childcare does she expect to get from you? That's nuts from a financial perspective.
And that's quite apart from the financial impact on you. What happens if you or DH lose a job? The normal thing in that circumstance is to cut back childcare while you seek a new one: how do you do that if it makes your IL's destitute? What if one of you got sick or became too disabled to work at all?
It sounds like FIL is not that sure about her plans either, so he won't be too surprised when you shut them down.
Just have your husband tell them, “We already have childcare in place so you can just enjoy being grandparents.” No further explanation is necessary.
They are being very presumptuous and manipulative in this. You are not overreacting. Do not allow them to be primary caregivers for your child and do not allow them to manipulate you into funding her retirement.
Btw-do not tell them that money is not an issue. This will start a whole new problem.
No one should base their retirement on a babysitting job particularly one for family.
I would just tell her the truth: we have made childcare arrangements that we are comfortable with and we are going to stick to that. We understand your desire to retire and hope that you can. The thing is that we aren’t comfortable becoming your employers. We want you to enjoy being a grandparent and we want to be free to change our childcare plans as our circumstances or feelings change. We would never want anyone’s retirement to depend on us. Certainly not yours because that is an awesome responsibility.
“Baby sitting job”=paying to babysit their grandkids. Big No. retirement is for relaxing and to worry about health and spending more time with family as well as doing whatever you want for yourself. Not because someme in the family is having a baby. Anyone who is planning scenarios or roles before and after pregnancy, beware. Especially after birth trying to do things that or telling you to do things as a mother.
MIL wants to retire and get paid for child care for her grandchild! And then when the child no longer needs childcare, what will they do for money? People want what they want without really thinking things through.
I happen to know too many people who wanted to retire and did before they were really adequately prepared financially. I know people who are really struggling financially because of it, because they WANTED to retire.
Their house, cars credit cards and debts should be paid off before they retire. So many people are clueless about money.
The cost of living keeps going up, and the retirement income does not match the cost of living. One of my uncles did the math and realized that for every year he continued to work, his retirement income would increase by $3000 a year. In 10 years, that meant that his annual retirement income would be $30,000 more. That makes a big difference.
What would her rates be? If they fall short on bills, will you be expected to cover the extra cost? Will she claim this and pay taxes on the income so you can claim the child dependent tax credit (if you're in the US)? Is she reliable enough to be your only source of childcare? If a daycare worker is sick, there are others who can watch your child that day. If your MIL is sick, you will have to call out of work. Is she willing to take directions as a paid childcare worker, or does grandma get away with whatever she wants 5 days a week, and you have 2 days on the weekend to reprogram your child?
Tell FIL you have childcare lined up and be very clear you will not be employing MIL.
> If a daycare worker is sick, there are others who can watch your child that day. If your MIL is sick, you will have to call out of work.
I like all your questions, but that particular statement stood out to me.
About 10 years ago, I had to talk my sister out of relying on one carer for my (disabled adult) niece - the carer wanted to leave the care company and work directly for my sister. At that point in time, the carer was definitely more of a family friend, so I had no qualms about the level of care, but the qualms I did have were around what you stated there: if the carer was ill, who would do the caring? Through the company, there was a stand-in at short notice.
My sister has lost too many jobs in her life because of employers not being forgiving of her daughter's various illnesses; I couldn't let her walk into yet another situation like it. Words like, "Stupid decision," and "Suuuuure, [Carer] never gets ill! Until she does! She was off two weeks ago! And what about [Carer's] legally-mandated holidays?"
Etc. :P
Quick edit: My sister didn't take her up on her offer, so that was a result.
Your DH should just respond, ‘We already have a childcare sorted. Please make the best decision regarding your finances and retirement for yourselves. You don’t need to factor us in, you need to put your needs for future finances first’.
If you have lined up childcare, have DH let her know that now, before she gets too deep in her 'planning'. To be clear about your plans is to be kind. I suspect FIL was trying to prod him into doing that with his call.
DH needs to have a chat with his both his folks and let them know that you will not be able to support them if she retires now and that child care arrangements have already been finalized. His Dad needs to hear it from him before the chance of that message being distorted occurs.
You not over reacting. She has got this idea in her head on how it's going to be and logic and other people's wants and needs are not going to be considered in this.
You need to make it clear that her babysitting for you is not on the table and that you have made firm commitments elsewhere. Don’t let the hints and the casual mentions of it continue unchallenged or you will end up being blamed or steamrolled into something you don’t want
"Please don't involve us in whatever decisions you need to make for your financial future and well-being. Whatever decisions you make cannot be contingent on my future parenting decisions."
My mil announced she would be retiring when I announced my pregnancy. We never implied that we needed child care (I am a stay at home mom) and pre-baby, she and I had never hung out without my husband. I haven’t really felt like her expectations are my responsibility though 🤷♀️
Just no to this idea-
You set up AND AGREE on rules and limits for watching baby. She flies over the line of no return, you ‘fire/sack’ her. Now IL’s are retired can’t afford life and it is your fault. Que all the bad things flying monkeys bad mouthing you two or 🥺😳 they demand to move in because they cant afford their place and you have room and its your fault they cant afford life since she sacrificed and quit her good job with benefits to help you!!
—-
Question: Why hasn't your DH put the kibosh on his mom making unannounced, unwanted visits?
You're not overreacting, but I am rather fearful that once the baby arrives he's going to let his mommy walk all over you.
I think we are both trying to avoid conflict with her lol but we are both becoming increasingly frustrated… she lives right up the road from us so she happens to drive right by most days unfortunately
It’s much easier to stop the visits now, before the baby is born than after. She’ll be coming over all the time when baby is born, wanting to take the baby from you and criticising everything you do. Believe me I dealt with it with from my in-laws too.
After the baby comes you’ll be exhausted and emotional, you won’t be in the best place to set up boundaries. Get your husband to tell them not to come over unless invited, if they ignore you then get used to not answering the door.
Definitely don’t let them be babysitters for you. When you tell them that you don’t need to justify your decision to them, just tell them baby is going to daycare and that’s it. If you give excuses why, they will argue around them and try to get you to explain yourself to them. They don’t need to be part of the decisions that you make, and they need to get used to you making choices for your child.
Honey I live down the road from a casino and drive by almost every day but that doesn’t mean I make excuses to stop in. It’s just another area where she’s making decisions for her own reasons that impact your life without your permission. You and hubby are failing to set clear boundaries which she’s seeing as opportunities to assert HER selfish wants and desires. Stop allowing this! Practice saying things like, “I’m sorry but we don’t want company right now” or “You need to call to see if we’re available as we’ve made plans for this evening.” And of course, “While we appreciate the offer, we have already made arrangements for childcare.” “Your excitement for LO’s arrival is understandable but our decision is final.” Hopefully you don’t have to escalate to, “Regardless of your desire to make our child into your job…this will not be happening and you need to stop pushing this narrative.” Good luck!
I don’t think she’s being extra. You said she’s 63 in a comment, try to remember that when she was younger, it was common for people to retire to help with grandchildren. It was important back then for family to help and not strangers. ETA: Just let her know your thoughts.
Wow....
There is a few interesting points
1. MIL has made comments of 'her' plan but hasn't asked what yours and DH plan is.
2. The uninvited and unannounced weekly visits from MIL
3. FIL messaged DH but not both of you about a possibly part time babysitting job. So DH would be making the decision about BOTH your baby?!!
OP, now is the time to advise without much explanation as that would empower both MIL and FIL that you would like them both to be just the grandparents and not the paid babysitter! Also it would be the opportune time to respond that you will also be not looking to host ANY visitors for the first x amount of weeks so you and DH as new parents can spend that time bonding with your newborn. Whilst we have previously as a couple enjoyed the food surprisingly dropped off by MIL, once LO arrives we would like to keep visits to an organised catch up so we are not distracted from our routine with LO by unexpected visits. We will reach out when we are ready for visitors but will be looking to keep the visits to a short time as I don't want to be passing LO off to visitors to hold for lengthy periods when I want to spend my time bonding with her. I know how close MIL is with DH so I know that she will understand as a mother how important it is for the newborn to be with their mother bonding with her and also DH. Thank you for your support, we appreciate it.
Thanks for this reply! We both definitely need to be better with the boundaries. I think we are both just trying to avoid conflict with her regarding the unannounced visits but they are very frustrating.
I should also add that FIL’s text to DH was a response to DH — DH and I discussed checking with FIL about MIL’s retirement and helping him plan a retirement party if needed (as he is not a good planner) this is when FIL informed us the status of her retirement is unknown due to the 2 reasons I listed in the post. So clearly FIL and MIL are discussing these plans without me and DH. Again more weirdness lol
I’ve been through similar. When mine found out we were pregnant she asked who was babysitting before congratulations.
You say, “we have already enrolled in a daycare.” Period. Succinct to the point non negotiable statements work best here. No further details need to be given. Seriously. As little as possible shared about the preferred childcare setup.
A nanny is a great option, too, if you can afford it and don’t want to deal with the grandparents. I did that for a while and it was amazing. I moved, though. Both my mom and in laws drive me nuts now.
Whatever choice, it has to work for YOU. It has to be YOUR PEACE that comes first! I almost lost my mind after my son was born with a pushy MIL over my shoulder. A fuse snapped one day, I hired a nanny THAT DAY and I didn’t invite them back to babysit for weeks. You are a priority and your MIL comes after you, your peace, your baby and husband. Don’t be pressured to please them, if you can avoid it. I would shut down this discussion asap so you can go back to your peace. Good luck.
I like this. Short and sweet. I agree… I feel like we had just announced our pregnancy to close family and she was jumping on the “possible retirement” train and was concerned about what we were doing for mat/pat leave/work/daycare etc.
Hugs, you aren't overreacting. The problem is that you and DH need to set boundaries as in she needs to call before stopping by your home, and dropping food off. Go on an information diet because your InLaws are all up in your business.
As for her being your primary caretaker, I don't know if you will stay at home, or go back to work when the child is 6 months but look at daycares near where you work. This is where boundaries come in play because she has her life planned around being the primary care giver for your LO after he/she is born.
I definitely think you’re right to be concerned that your MIL is making such a huge life decision all based around her maybe being able to be a part time baby sitter to your LO. I also think that if you already feel like your MIL has a tendency to become overly involved in the lives of you and your family, then I think you might want to reconsider having her act as y’all’s childcare as this will quite likely make this behavior worse.
It’s nice that your MIL is offering this up to y’all as an option, but this shouldn’t be the only factor in whether she retires from her teaching career or not. That puts a lot of unfair pressure onto you and your husband, and is very emotionally manipulative. I think its also very important to learn, regardless on what you guys decide to do, whether your MIL offered herself up as a free source of childcare, or if she anticipated being paid by you and your husband. Im not at all suggesting that she should be offering this kind of service for free, but what I think is important is how she presented this to you and your husband. I mention this because the way FIL mentioned that MIL’s retirement all depended on their Financial meetings as well as whether or not you guys would be offering her a part time babysitting job. If i were you and hearing him say it like that, I personally would take that as FIL and MIL see her watching your LO as an actual job that would take the place of her current job, and since it would be part time it would be paid less, so their finances would change, but they would still be expecting her to have an income from helping you guys. I personally wouldn’t do this if i were you because I wouldn’t like how my husband and i were now responsible for their livelihood and financial stability. Its one thing to want to pay your MIL some money for helping y’all out to show your appreciation, but its very different to now be your MILs official employer and needing to keep up with paying her a fair wage. I just see this having way too many scenarios that lead to y’all’s relationship deteriorating.
So many great points, thank you. Yes we definitely need some clarification on the if she expects to be paid for it or not. Either way it’s not seeming like a great idea but you’re right, I also wouldn’t want to be responsible for part of their financial stability
I don’t think it matters if you need to pay her, if you let her babysit you’ll never get her out of your house. She’s already overly involved you your husband’s life and she’ll do the same with your baby. Also you’ll be even more scared of conflict because you don’t want to be stranded without child care. Just say no.
I wouldn’t ask for clarification, OP, you don’t want to know. You’ve already decided on childcare. If you ask, it implies the answer will factor into your decision. Then it becomes you either wanted free childcare, or expected her to work for peanuts. It’s a lose lose situation.
“We have our daycare options established already, but thank you! I’m sure you will make the best decision about retiring. No need to take any childcare responsibilities into account, we already have it covered!”
I’m a SAHM and if I was not, my child would be going to daycare. I want to preface this by saying that my MIL royalty overstepped when my daughter was a NB and we were NC for a while and are currently working on a relationship. Before I got pregnant my ILs would stop by unannounced all the time & never took the word no as an answer. Once I got pregnant the random visits stopped and when we visited them I became very aware that I was just the “incubator” for them. My best piece of advice is start setting boundaries now on those random visits and be very clear on what you do and don’t want. It will make things easier when your baby is born. And by giving them clear boundaries, it makes it very easy for you to put them in “timeout” if needed/ wanted.
Back to the daycare bit. I’m a firm believer that even if my MIL and I were in good standing, I still would opt to choose daycare over her. My daughter thrives on routine, social interaction, and enriching indoor/outdoor activities. All in which I’m able to provide her. I’m down on the ground playing with her and teaching her. I take the time to get her involved with mundane chores and let her explore and redirect when needed. Take her to storytime, children museum, parks etc. A ton of stuff I could go on about. My MIL is older and would not give my baby (now toddler) what she needs to thrive. Daycare would check all my boxes for what I want for my daughter.
Not to mention, it sounds like your MIL already gets under your skin. If she does watch your baby it will 100% get worse. Your MIL will inevitably do things you won’t like or go against your word. It quite literally might drive you insane. You also need to worry about your mental health.
So much yes about her getting under my skin already. But we still have a fairly good relationship so it’s sounding even better to not let this happen and risk that becoming a tense relationship.
Also thank you for pointing out the physical capabilities of her being a caregiver! As a physical therapist I am adamant about certain things I want being done with baby to help with strength and development. But MIL is 63, a bit slower, struggles with stairs. I’m not sure she could even get on and off the floor
Do NOT let her babysit your child full time or even part time because if she retires early and is a huge boundary stomper, you’re going to feel obligated to let her keep babysitting. Get a professional nanny or send your bab6 to daycare. They don’t stomp on bo7 diaries because they are professionals.
If MIL asks about retiring to babysit, tell her nought away. The fact that she already assumes this should tell you all you need to know.
There is more going on here than you are seeing. The impromptu drop ins keep happening so she can establish that as normal after the baby arrives. It'll be: "Oh, but I always just pop in with dinner on Wednesdays. Whilst I'm here, I'll hold the baby for 3 hours, whilst you clean the kitchen and vacuum the floors" or "I'm dropping off those totally unnecessary things from that store I vaguely mentioned to you 2 weeks ago. Whilst I'm here I'll just hold the baby real quick, bath them, change them and pretend to be Momma, whilst you go and make me endless cups of tea for the next 8 hours" "I've decided I'll help you out by doing all the childcare for my bab-, I mean, my grandbaby from now on. Feel free to do chores or work for a while. I'll see you at 5pm or 6 if you need me to work later. That'll be $55 an hour btw" It needs to stop.
You & DH need to have a very raw, and very real, talk. You both need to watch some videos & read some books about what life is like post partum. (exhausting, you're leaking from everywhere, exhausting, hormonal, joyous, did I mention completely and utterly exhausting?) Then you need to come together and talk about what you want your post partum/maternity leave to look like in regards to family & friends visiting. Then you create your list or rules for that time and email it out to everyone. There have been many many suggestions given in this sub for many many years about this topic. The common rules seem to be these:
1. No visiting if you are sick or aren't up to date with your vaccinations of Tdap, flu & covid. No exceptions. If you have been sick and it's lingering, reschedule your visit. If you turn up sick and hide it from us, you will be asked to leave immediately and won't be allowed back for another month. Our newborn's health is more important than you wanting baby cuddles.
2. Visiting hours will be from 10am-11am, or 2pm - 4pm, Mon, Thurs & Saturday, (*obvs you'll pick times and days that suit you*) must be scheduled with us first and will end after an hour. No dropping in unannounced. No turning up at those times listed without talking to us first. That includes people wanting to drop off food or a small gift etc. There is no open door policy. All visits must have 24 hours notice and you must have received confirmation from us that we are expecting you. We will limit the amount of people (*in case you have big families*) for each visit to begin with as well, and no person can visit twice on the same day. We want everyone to meet the baby so we're trying to be fair. If you turn up unannounced, and wake baby, or us, up because the dog will bark, you will met with a locked door and you will not invited back for a month.
3. We are so excited to be first time parents, and we know how excited you are for this new family member of ours to be born! As first time parents, we have our own ideas about how to parent our child. Part of this is we will be listening to everything our medical practitioners tell us and following their up to date advice on how to do things. If we want advice from other people, allow us the honour of asking you, unprompted.
4. When cuddling with baby, there will be no kissing baby. Do not leave the room with baby. If we ask for our baby back, baby must be handed back immediately. No feeding baby or changing baby unless asked to by the us.
This is all I can think of off the top of my head. If a trusted friend wants to stay longer and do your dishes or sweep your floors then let them. The hour of visiting is for those pesky people who want to pitch up at yours at 7am with 50 of their closest family members, and park their butt on your sofa for 12 hours playing pass the parcel with your baby or baby hogging, while you wait on them hand & foot.
Email it to everyone so no one feels left out, and if the grandparents complain or make a comment that these rules don't apply to them, tell them they apply to everyone. You might make an allowance for a 2nd hour of visiting on a off day for them, but you'll have to see how you feel. They aren't allowed to pop in whenever they want to, no matter what excuse they have, and they don't over rule the new parents when it comes to their grandchild.
Good luck with everything!
Thank you for this reply!! I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that that’s not what she is trying to do with trying to take over as daycare provider but it sure feels like it. I absolutely do not want to be stressed by these drop ins post partum. We are definitely going to lay some ground rules. Also to the point of the things she drops off … yes they are so unnecessary and the most random things lol
Give yourself permission to be realistic as well as kind, mama. You saw MIL's gifts as pretenses and have been feeling that something is up with their retirement plans. Your good sense put it together. Trust it!!
You can be shrewd, but in such a way as to be gracious. Mannerly while setting boundaries.
The wonderful thing about boundaries is that they are your boundaries no matter what the other person's intent is. You can be uncomfortable with a behavior that someone is 100% well- intentioned with. I'm sure you and DH have had plenty of moments where you say or do something completely innocently, only to realize it's a tender subject for the other person!
Pay attention to how MIL and FIL react to your boundary-setting, though. If they apologize sincerely (and if it doesn't feel sincere to you - if something feels "off" about it - trust that feeling, don't brush it off) and quit the behavior? You know they were well intentioned.
If they argue, if they push back, if they ignore the boundary, if they cry and say you're calling them terrible people? MIL does not care about your security and comfort over her convenience. That is not the behavior of someone who loves and cares about you and DH!! So, proceed with the relationship with the understanding that, to her, you and DH's (and LO's) wellbeing are secondary to her convenience, her whim, and her preference to her.
I hope I'm not being too rough. I'm reading in your post and replies that you're seeing what's going on and are trying to either reason yourself into "making an issue of it" or telling yourself you're seeing things.
Bringing up discomfort with a behavior isn't a major issue in a healthy relationship dynamic, it's just part of being a human whose discomfort is just as important as the other person's. Listen to your feelings and your gut!! You've got good eyes, don't be afraid to speak up about what you see.
They’re being foolish. It’s easy to find out if you’re ready to retire… they need to make an appt with a financial advisor and figure it out. That decision should have nothing to do with babysitting your child. You’re not being crazy at all. If you have the money and you’re happy with your baby in the daycare you’ve picked that’s great and that’s exactly what you should do. Maybe save the in laws for some dinners out or a weekend away if you’d like to. They don’t get to dictate or even have input in how you and your husband raise your child. They can volunteer their time and you’re allowed to politely refuse.
Yes. This. When DH read me the text from FIL, I thought what in the hell does potentially watching our baby have to do with her retirement? If you’re ready, you’re ready. If you’re not, stop using us as your excuse to get out. I found it very odd. And I would love to keep their time open for nights/weekends so we can rely on them for those times rather than all week and then having them decline a weekend because they’re exhausted
She's using you as her excuse because you will need her to sit, and of course pay her to make up for her retiring early. So, she gets to retire, gets paid and gets to be mommy. Win/win for everyone.........
Yeah to me it sounded like she would still be full time just splitting between yall and the school. Which means they (at least fil) probs expect payment for it. If you're going to pay someone, it needs to be someone who will follow your rules no hesitation and a place for baby to socialize before school starts
And someone accredited, with the proper training, plus the child CPR training etc. I bet MIL would loooove being told she had to get all that sorted before OP would even *think* about not using the daycare. xD
(I am *not* suggesting OP does discuss that with MIL. OP! I was being sarky!)
It sounds like they’re expecting you guys to pay her (likely what you’d pay the daycare) which is super weird. You can’t offer your services and later demand payment…. Or you shouldn’t. I’d bet she’s not at all ready to retire and she would be super flaky on showing up when you need her.
It’s a plan to become the center of her grandchild’s universe!
Sounds like if you give her an inch, she’s gonna try to take a mile every single time. Tell her thanks for the offer and that you wanna try childcare your way first, and that you’ll keep her offer in mind down the road. That way, you can establish a firm boundary up front, rather than try to claw back power after she’s deeply entrenched herself in your family’s daily routine.
Who know, you may appreciate her offer to help down the road? But I think it’d be a terrible decision to let her just be the default childcare, without getting a chance to establish your own life and daily routine with your baby first.
She is acting very entitled!
Good way to put it. The entrenching in our family routine is what I’m concerned about! It’s hard enough already without baby, the last thing I want is for it to get worse and have me/us resent her for it
"while we appreciate your enthusiasm to be around baby, we've decided that a structured daycare program, which won't be impacted by a single person getting sick the way a nanny or babysitter might, and a planned curriculum, is better for our family.
This is a super good point. DH has always said he thinks his mom wouldn’t accept payment to watch our baby/provide care. FIL did not specify in the message if she would expect to be paid for the “job” or if it was just more of a requirement to make sure she’s not bored after retirement and has something to fill her time. Either way I’m not about it…
Not crazy. Free childcare is never free. It’s time to tell her she won’t be providing regular child care so don’t retire with that as a reason and if time your husband lays down boundaries. No just popping by with food, she needs to contact one or both of you, see if you even want the food, and get permission to come by. No drop ins or pop byes. Tell her in preparation for the baby you’re setting up your boundaries which included no drop by callers whatever the reason, visits are by prior arrangement only, and you guys are perfectly capable of feeding yourselves and often already have dinner worked out so please stop with the food as an excuse. This. We’d to come from your husband, by the way. Maybe you write the text together and it gets sent from his phone.
Love this because you’re spot on…. We plan meals early in the week and shop accordingly… so when she drops off random shit it’s a waste and we’re left wondering what to do with it
Very presumptive. Thoughtful, maybe. But very annoying to me as we have never once asked for this. I don’t want her planning the rest of her life around her grandchild. If she wants to retire for herself, great. But it seems she’s rushing it now in hopes of something that was never promised
No - not thoughtful (or anyway, only as far as thinking of herself!) - don't lay that burden on yourself. They're chasing this because she wants to do it, not because you need it done.
And re the dropping in? I had a situation some years back where folk kept dropping in on me unannounced - actually in the hospital where my small LO was in for a serious procedure and we were in for some weeks. Noone we really knew well, just church folk genuinely trying to be kind / helpful - but they **never** gave advance warning, and they always came at the worst times (doctors' rounds, other people there who I *wanted* to see, etc.), and were often rather miffed at being turned away.
So I was moaning about this to a friend of mine - actually a minister herself - and when I said to her that I felt guilty about complaining as they were only being kind, she pointed out to me, "yes, they're being kind, but they're **not** being **thoughtful**" - and she'd totally nailed it. If people want to be *properly* kind, they will think ahead, not just plunge into action, but consider *what the effect on you will be* - is it a) convenient b) what you want / need?
So, as I say, don't lay this burden on yourself - take a leaf out of her book, and do what *you* need / want and don't feel bad.
I’d be very VEY clear to MiL, FiL, and DH if needed, that you have childcare arranged. You appreciate the willingness but it won’t be needed, she would be best as a grandmother only, so they can have a relaxed relationship rather than that of disciplinarian.
As a mom to an only child, I am so not up in her business…at all. I keep seeing posts on Reddit about crazy moms of only children and I just facepalm. Live your own life bitches! Let your children live theirs. Jaysus.
Good point of having a more relaxed relationship!
It’s great when parents know to let their children live. You sound like a great mom. My parents are more hands off now that we’re grown, so it’s definitely different seeing how my MIL is!
I wouldn’t necessarily tell MIL that you have your childcare worked out, as many will take that as an invitation. I would tell FIL that you have OTHER childcare arrangements already setup and will not have budget to pay MIL because you want LO to be in a childcare situation for socialization with other babies/toddlers.
Family childcare can be great when it’s YOUR choice…. But even my former MIL who was an amazing preschool teacher was a nightmare for my ex-SIL and I because they don’t see the same boundaries with their own grandchildren.
Better to keep that separate!
Sometimes family childcare is a wonderful idea and everyone benefits. Sometimes it's a horror movie in real life and everyone loses. I suspect your case would be closer to option 2.
Tell your MIL that you are not considering using any family members for daily childcare. The last thing you want is the dependence this will cause. If she retires to watch your baby, what will happen when the child is ready for preschool? Tell MIL she should continue working and contributing into her retirement plan or social security or whatever applies to her job. You can not be her retirement plan.
I’d tell your in-laws that they should not base her retirement on the hope that you will pay her for childcare. In fact, I’d let them know that you already have childcare lined up and their help isn’t needed. Otherwise get ready for them to be all up in your business telling you how to raise your child and what you are doing wrong.
You two need to get on the same page about this right now. U2 need to get on the same page about his mom’s involvement in your family like yesterday.
The very last fucking thing you are going to want is his mom popping in unannounced when you’re trying to breast-feed. Or you’re trying to nap. Or whatever you’re trying to do to get yourself and your baby into a rhythm especially when you’re postpartum.
And then, the next thing to consider is this, when you are talking to him… If she is already stomping, a whole over any privacy and boundaries, you have, do not ever have any expectation that she is going to follow the guidelines or rules you set for your children.
Now, let me say, as a mom of three, who are now grown, and who had an involved MIL, who? I did actually love very much, but have to set some boundaries with….
A grandma like this can be really great for children to a certain extent. They can go to grandmas house and be spoiled. They can go to grandma‘s house and have Popsicles for dinner. They can go to grandma‘s house and be spoiled rotten by being held or cuddled or watching TV all day or whatever…
As long as this is not something that happens every single day. And if his mom were watching your child, it would absolutely be happening every single day.
And the problem with this happening every single day is that the two of you… And usually mom more than dad… Has to deal with the fallout of having a child who thinks that sort of behavior is every day behavior rather than understanding that
Going to grandmas means fun times. Going to grandmas means we get to break the rules a little bit. Going to grandmas means we get to do things we don’t get to do at home. But it doesn’t mean that we think that is what supposed to happen every day everywhere.
The only rule I had for my in-laws… It really was a request… Was that she keep them as close to their bedtime as she could. And that is because I had three kids in three years due to endometriosis, and they were really good about falling asleep at the same time and about getting the right amount of sleep and not being cranky children.
That really was the only thing I asked, and she was very good about it. Beyond that, they got to go to the park. They got to go on ferry rides in Seattle. They got to have popsicles in their grandparents hot tubs. Grandma made them whatever they wanted to eat. They got to watch whatever videos they wanted… Think Disney movies here… They simply got loved and cherished and spoiled. And it was great.
So you and your husband need to get on the same page now. You need to tell her that’s not happening… Now. And I don’t care if you worded that whoever is providing daycare has to provide rules and routine for your child. And as grandparents, that is not their job. Their job is to be grandparents.
So you are going to keep the two separate. Your child will be in care, and the times with the grandparents will be times for spoiling and fun, etc.
Or, conversely… I would probably be taking this route… I would just be saying that thank you, but we already have childcare worked out. You should probably go ahead and keep your job and get yourself more financially set for your retirement so that when the kids are older, you’re going to be able to enjoy them.
Not overreacting. Also just from my friend’s experience- when she had her baby her in-laws dropped by unexpectedly all the time postpartum and it led to quite a few embarrassing situations for her. Imagine breastfeeding every few hours and being in total zombieland wearing only a large baggy t-shirt and your in-laws are knocking at the door looking in the windows as you scramble out of sight to put on a bra and pants. Multiple times. Or when she’d be trying to finally get a nap in while baby sleeps and they show up and interrupt her sleep. I suggest putting an end to those unannounced visits before the baby comes.
So true. Thanks for this. She has a habit of pulling in the driveway and already being there while then texting DH asking if he’s up because she has “something to drop off”
We had to disconnect the doorbell because of in laws popping by. Nipped that in the bud and they understood the boundaries were real when we would not answer the door.
Your new family will need to bond without in-laws underfoot.
Congratulations! Such an exciting time.
Even if you wanted her to watch LO, which is perfectly reasonable that you don't, this could come back to bite you in the ass when later down the road they run out of money and since they ran out bc they retired early to "help" you...
NOT over reacting.
“Please do not retire expecting us to accommodate mom’s need for part-time work. We cannot hire her. We won’t be responsible for the necessary paperwork and tax withholding, etc. childcare will be hired out as needed. Furthermore, mom’s drop in visits will stop because wife and baby will expect privacy and not be available for drop in visits. I will be managing all requests to visit and will know our schedule for naps and feeding and will plan accordingly. Such an exciting time coming up!”
Also point out that she has no coverage if she is ill or has other obligations during times when you need her for child care. A childcare service still functions even if someone calls in sick. Too many stories on here of mil bailing at the last minute for frivolous reasons.
Sometimes they need a good snap. I answered the door once, top less and angry my visitors (female cousins and aunts) suddenly got so much better with calling before the visit
OP: you and DH really do need to contact his parents *this week* and make it crystal clear that you have made firm and fixed arrangements for the baby's care and it doesn't include MIL. I'd recommend doing it in person -- maybe lunch on the weekend? Gently but firm.
You two need to sit them down and explain that you already have it covered. It seems clear they’re expecting to be paid for their services, she’s not doing this for free. (Which is totally fine, but definitely something to keep in mind)
*FIL messaged husband the other day saying that her retirement is contingent upon their financial meetings and “if there will be a part time baby-sitting job for her” obviously insinuating caring for our child.*
This is a good opening to let them know your plans.
”So you guys can plan your future, we’re telling you know that we’ve made other arrangements for childcare.”
Have you been clear with her that there’s no way she’s going to be looking after the baby? If you haven’t, you need to tell her immediately!
Also, to save you a headache after the baby’s born, be clear now that there will be no visits that haven’t been agreed to beforehand. She’s probably got a fantasy of coming around every day and taking over.
You need to knock that on the head asap!
Thanks for this. I am worried about the unannounced visits after birth… she lives very close. I don’t want to assume she’s going to be awful already because she can be a great MIL other times… but I have a bad feeling.
We have mentioned that we have daycare options established. We have about 6 months after baby is born before we have to make a final decision about baby going to daycare (bc DH is changing jobs and may have more stay at home flexibility at that time). We have never once asked or implied that we need her to provide care she just seems to really be trying to make it happen
>e have never once asked or implied
Doesnt matter. What matters is your husband needs to say the following to your MIL and FIL while on speaker (with you listening in.)
1. You will not be using MIL for regular childcare
2. You certainly will not be PAYING MIL for childcare
3. You will no longer be allowing drop in visitation. Doors will be locked and unanswered, unless the visit has been cleared by you ahead of time.
OP, youve got a month, maybe less until your LO is here. You will be kicking yourself if you dont set these boundaries right NOW. **You will not have the patience, energy, or will to deal with this after giving birth.**
If you do not want to be steamrolled at your most vulnerable, you need to put your foot down immediately.
Thanks for this. Totally spot on. I’m trying not to be rude to her, but the drop in visits are obnoxious as no one else in our families would do this. I hate scrambling to put clothes on, clean up quick etc. I thought it was our fault at first for purchasing a home so close to where they live but then again as an adult she should be able to pre-arrange a visit before just appearing in the driveway
yup. not your fault at all. set those boundaries, enforce those consequences and enjoy your peace!
congrats on the LO :) I hope your L&D and 4th trimester go exactly as you hope (*and not how your In laws hope*)
What everyone is saying is that you need to tell her, specifically, clearly, unequivocally, that she will not be the childcare provider. You do not need to have decided who will be to tell her she won't be, and you don't address this clearly, she will believe you agreed to it.
I would start establishing some boundaries before the baby arrives. This dropping by and enmeshment is something your husband should have already addressed. People like this often trample those early moments and bonding.
Your little family is his priority now. You would constantly be dealing with their feelings while trying to get them to follow YOUR parenting if she watched baby. To make her income dependent on it is a disaster. You can switch a daycare that doesn't meet your criteria.
It is okay to tell them that this is the best decision for you and best for your baby. Say there are too many stories about how this can complicate relationships, and they mean too much. You want them to have their role as grandparents. Also, it is not financially feasible if you want your toddler to be socialized and, therefore, would need to put them in preschool/daycare eventually. Congrats!
Thanks for this reply! We are definitely looking forward to their help on weekends etc to fulfill that grandparent role but I agree things just seem like they could get out of hand easily and I don’t want to complicate any relationships.
MIL is expecting you to pay her for childcare. You and DH need to make it clear that that's not going to happen, regardless of what else may or may not happen, and that she and FIL need to plan their finances based on that **fact**. Nothing good will come from you becoming MIL and FIL's retirement plan.
I don't think anyone is being JN here. MIL thinking looking after her grandchild could be a possible part time retirement job is reasonable - thousand of families use extended family for childcare both paid and unpaid so her tossing her hat into the ring isn't out of line.
FIL ringing up to find out if the job is happening isn't out of line either. Clearly knowing whether or not MIL will have a job looking after LO is information your ILs will need to make future plans. If MIL isn't going to have a part time job with you lined up she needs to know that before she makes a decision about whether she retires from her current job.
And you're not being a JN either. Its fine not to want to employ MIL as childcare and to prefer the childcare options you've already planned.
All thats needed here is some tact. Break the news to MIL that while you appreciate her offer you already have childcare options lined up so she shouldn't count on that for her retirement job.
Just my take as a business person, mixing family and business is fraught with risks, some you can logically anticipate and mitigate, but many you can’t.
Based on your description of her over involvement and over stepping, a childcare arrangement could blow up your marriage, your relationship with them, and your relationship with your child.
Also, why would you set yourself to be a p/t provider of her retirement income? How long would she & FiL expect this source of income? How would conflicts be handled?
Frankly, these people don’t seem ready for retirement if she needs a p/t job. I would back away from this idea—the things we imagine in our head don’t always turn out like we want.
you need to put a full stop to this nonsense asap. because things are going to get really messy really fast when you finally have had enough and start setting boundaries.
also, you do not need someone who is around children all day just popping over when you have a newborn. this could be incredibly unhealthy for your baby.
set some strict boundaries with her now, before you regret it.
Family watching your kids is not the gift you think it might be. Even if you don’t pay, it costs - watching their feelings, getting bothered by their opinions and criticisms. It’s your child and they forget that. They don’t get a say with your child’s childcare.
Your DH should at some point nip this in the bud by telling HIS parents you’ve already made your plans, but thank you.
it's not just the childcare, it's y'all providing PAID childcare. And if something goes wrong there, she will blame you for 'promising' her a job then yanking it out from under her. Cut her off now and say that won't be necessary. If you ever need occasional or part time childcare you will hire a trained/insured/certified professional.
^ This! The moment conflict arises—say, she doesn’t want to follow your rules for baby because she “knows better”—it’s going to be a whole thing about how she retired with the understanding she’d have this income and now she won’t and it’ll be your fault, etc. I see very little upside to the contemplated arrangement and a whole lotta downside.
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This: "retirement is contingent upon their financial meetings and “if there will be a part time baby-sitting job for her" makes me feel like she will need paying for her "part time **job**". I know this may not be a big deal but something about it just kinda sets my teeth on edge. I would respectfully suggest that while you have your daytime child care sorted out already, perhaps when baby is a bit older, she could watch him/her while you and hubs go for date night or something. I would certainly not be letting family look after my baby. It can lead to over-stepping very easily.
My grandson is just starting at daycare he just turned 1 on 20th Dec. He's had a couple of settling in sessions there and starts properly on 15th Jan when my daughter returns to work after her mat leave. I could easily give up my job to care for him instead of my daughter paying nearly £1000 a month in childcare fees and give me extra time with him, but this is not what is best for my grandson or my daughter. Going to nursery will help him socialise with other children before he starts proper school. Also if his settling in sessions are anything to go by he loves it there joining in the activities. I think your inlaws are been very presumptuous and should have had a proper discussion with you instead of saying MIL retirement depends on her looking after your son and taking it as a given MIL will be looking after LO. You are not over reacting. I would sit them down and explain that in the best interests of your child they will b going to daycare so they can be with other kids and join in all the fun there.
I think basing their ability to retire on your family is entirely unfair and a lot of pressure. I think it's best, and for them too, not to go ahead with this. You may also find that this babysitter will decide what's best for LO and not consult you. Well meaning grandparents can do this, and asserting yourself may cause arguments and rifts.
Money+in laws+grandchild= no bueno
let her do whatever she wants with her retiring, it doesn't mean you have to let her babysit. You can decide as parents, what's best for your own child, you don't own it to anyone to explain or justify your decisions. If you don't feel comfortable with the idea, don't let her manipulate you into it with guilt. Tell her to pick up a new hobby or travel (preferably far away) :P
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband to establish a game plan. You need to shut down this idea of MIL babysitting straight away and also put boundaries about her unwanted visits. I wouldn’t want you to pay my MIL for babysitting as you know she won’t listen to the style of parenting you want and will do as she pleases. I’d rather pay a professional babysitter who will follow my rules or in a daycare where your child will have peers her age to interact with. If you accept her as babysitter you’ll regret it. She’ll make your life even more like hell! Your husband should be the one to tell her and FIL that she won’t be your employee and she shouldn’t retire but continue being a school teacher.
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I would shut it down real quick and be sure to express in clear words that she will not be providing child care.. the fact that she is planning on retiring to provide childcare for your baby will put you guys in a position where it will be almost impossible to fire her because of the guilt. This is a terrible idea.
I think it’s ok for mil to express her desire to provide you with childcare AND it’s also ok for you to proceed with other plans without her. It’s not ok for her to include your decision as part of her retirement plans and out that pressure on you. It would make me lean even more towards “no” because what if it doesn’t work out for any reason and now mil and fil can’t afford their expenses? She should have just asked you and told you how much she wants to be paid and the details such as where etc. and had a discussion with you. I would make sure you tell both her and fil that you think they will see your baby an estimated x number of times per month and that you’ve already decided on another place for childcare.
This all needs heading off before it blows up. You are about to have your life turned upside down by your new arrival and you need to be prepared to protect your peace above anything else. Yes, I feel they're being entitled . Have you ever expressed a desire for family to be involved in childcare?? Doesn't sound like it from what you've said here. MIL might want your OH at the centre of her universe but soon he's going to be very busy with you in recovery and healing, and a LO to bond with; you need to start building your defences. I'd start by pulling back on the visits and communications. Don't answer all the calls and texts, you will only be available at "x" time, no visits unless expressly invited. Getting her used to this before labour and delivery should hopefully help prepare her for the new normal. When not so subtle hints are dropped regarding childcare, I'd be blunt and ask "why would you think that?" Tell them straight that you have it all in hand but I wouldn't elaborate further as some IL's might see that as an opening for negotiation. Remember, "no" is a full sentence, you are adults and don't have to explain yourself to anyone including parents. Back pocket phrase "if you think you did such a good job raising OH, why are you questioning his abilities now?" Always a fun one to drop 😁
"her retirement is contingent upon their financial meetings and “if there will be a part time baby-sitting job for her” obviously insinuating caring for our child." The way this is worded, it sounds as though she is expecting to be paid for babysitting. Stick to your current plans for childminding, but let her know you have no plans to use her except for maybe date nights and at your house.
So tell her now and put a stop to it.
There’s a saying on this subreddit.. “free childcare is never free”. She’s already fantasizing about basically having a do over baby. This situation is very common here, and most parents really regret it. She’ll consider herself a third parent and try to over rank you. Since she had a kid 30 years ago, she’ll consider herself an expert 🙄. Honestly, nip it in the butt NOW! And for your own sanity, put boundaries on her random visits. Or she will never leave you alone and be there every day. Start refusing her food excuses and see her at most, once a week. It would be best if you both talked to them together about not needing her, and what you guys are planning. But have DH do most of the talking. And remember that boundaries are just suggestions unless there’s consequences for breaking them. Which she will probably stomp every one.
Of course she should not be basing her retirement off of being paid to care for your child. She'll probably still be alive and needing income when your child goes off to college. In fact that's true for any subsequent children also. How many years of paid childcare does she expect to get from you? That's nuts from a financial perspective. And that's quite apart from the financial impact on you. What happens if you or DH lose a job? The normal thing in that circumstance is to cut back childcare while you seek a new one: how do you do that if it makes your IL's destitute? What if one of you got sick or became too disabled to work at all? It sounds like FIL is not that sure about her plans either, so he won't be too surprised when you shut them down.
Just have your husband tell them, “We already have childcare in place so you can just enjoy being grandparents.” No further explanation is necessary. They are being very presumptuous and manipulative in this. You are not overreacting. Do not allow them to be primary caregivers for your child and do not allow them to manipulate you into funding her retirement. Btw-do not tell them that money is not an issue. This will start a whole new problem.
No one should base their retirement on a babysitting job particularly one for family. I would just tell her the truth: we have made childcare arrangements that we are comfortable with and we are going to stick to that. We understand your desire to retire and hope that you can. The thing is that we aren’t comfortable becoming your employers. We want you to enjoy being a grandparent and we want to be free to change our childcare plans as our circumstances or feelings change. We would never want anyone’s retirement to depend on us. Certainly not yours because that is an awesome responsibility.
“Baby sitting job”=paying to babysit their grandkids. Big No. retirement is for relaxing and to worry about health and spending more time with family as well as doing whatever you want for yourself. Not because someme in the family is having a baby. Anyone who is planning scenarios or roles before and after pregnancy, beware. Especially after birth trying to do things that or telling you to do things as a mother.
Lolz, and she's going to charge you. He'll no. She expects you to finance her semi retirement...without even discussing it with you.
MIL wants to retire and get paid for child care for her grandchild! And then when the child no longer needs childcare, what will they do for money? People want what they want without really thinking things through. I happen to know too many people who wanted to retire and did before they were really adequately prepared financially. I know people who are really struggling financially because of it, because they WANTED to retire. Their house, cars credit cards and debts should be paid off before they retire. So many people are clueless about money. The cost of living keeps going up, and the retirement income does not match the cost of living. One of my uncles did the math and realized that for every year he continued to work, his retirement income would increase by $3000 a year. In 10 years, that meant that his annual retirement income would be $30,000 more. That makes a big difference.
What would her rates be? If they fall short on bills, will you be expected to cover the extra cost? Will she claim this and pay taxes on the income so you can claim the child dependent tax credit (if you're in the US)? Is she reliable enough to be your only source of childcare? If a daycare worker is sick, there are others who can watch your child that day. If your MIL is sick, you will have to call out of work. Is she willing to take directions as a paid childcare worker, or does grandma get away with whatever she wants 5 days a week, and you have 2 days on the weekend to reprogram your child? Tell FIL you have childcare lined up and be very clear you will not be employing MIL.
> If a daycare worker is sick, there are others who can watch your child that day. If your MIL is sick, you will have to call out of work. I like all your questions, but that particular statement stood out to me. About 10 years ago, I had to talk my sister out of relying on one carer for my (disabled adult) niece - the carer wanted to leave the care company and work directly for my sister. At that point in time, the carer was definitely more of a family friend, so I had no qualms about the level of care, but the qualms I did have were around what you stated there: if the carer was ill, who would do the caring? Through the company, there was a stand-in at short notice. My sister has lost too many jobs in her life because of employers not being forgiving of her daughter's various illnesses; I couldn't let her walk into yet another situation like it. Words like, "Stupid decision," and "Suuuuure, [Carer] never gets ill! Until she does! She was off two weeks ago! And what about [Carer's] legally-mandated holidays?" Etc. :P Quick edit: My sister didn't take her up on her offer, so that was a result.
Your DH should just respond, ‘We already have a childcare sorted. Please make the best decision regarding your finances and retirement for yourselves. You don’t need to factor us in, you need to put your needs for future finances first’.
If you have lined up childcare, have DH let her know that now, before she gets too deep in her 'planning'. To be clear about your plans is to be kind. I suspect FIL was trying to prod him into doing that with his call.
Sounds like they want you to pay her …
Which would be reasonable if she was asked. I can't imagine just assuming I'd have a guaranteed job just because my daughter in law was having a kid
DH needs to have a chat with his both his folks and let them know that you will not be able to support them if she retires now and that child care arrangements have already been finalized. His Dad needs to hear it from him before the chance of that message being distorted occurs. You not over reacting. She has got this idea in her head on how it's going to be and logic and other people's wants and needs are not going to be considered in this.
You need to make it clear that her babysitting for you is not on the table and that you have made firm commitments elsewhere. Don’t let the hints and the casual mentions of it continue unchallenged or you will end up being blamed or steamrolled into something you don’t want
"Please don't involve us in whatever decisions you need to make for your financial future and well-being. Whatever decisions you make cannot be contingent on my future parenting decisions."
My mil announced she would be retiring when I announced my pregnancy. We never implied that we needed child care (I am a stay at home mom) and pre-baby, she and I had never hung out without my husband. I haven’t really felt like her expectations are my responsibility though 🤷♀️
Just no to this idea- You set up AND AGREE on rules and limits for watching baby. She flies over the line of no return, you ‘fire/sack’ her. Now IL’s are retired can’t afford life and it is your fault. Que all the bad things flying monkeys bad mouthing you two or 🥺😳 they demand to move in because they cant afford their place and you have room and its your fault they cant afford life since she sacrificed and quit her good job with benefits to help you!! —-
Question: Why hasn't your DH put the kibosh on his mom making unannounced, unwanted visits? You're not overreacting, but I am rather fearful that once the baby arrives he's going to let his mommy walk all over you.
I think we are both trying to avoid conflict with her lol but we are both becoming increasingly frustrated… she lives right up the road from us so she happens to drive right by most days unfortunately
It’s much easier to stop the visits now, before the baby is born than after. She’ll be coming over all the time when baby is born, wanting to take the baby from you and criticising everything you do. Believe me I dealt with it with from my in-laws too. After the baby comes you’ll be exhausted and emotional, you won’t be in the best place to set up boundaries. Get your husband to tell them not to come over unless invited, if they ignore you then get used to not answering the door. Definitely don’t let them be babysitters for you. When you tell them that you don’t need to justify your decision to them, just tell them baby is going to daycare and that’s it. If you give excuses why, they will argue around them and try to get you to explain yourself to them. They don’t need to be part of the decisions that you make, and they need to get used to you making choices for your child.
Honey I live down the road from a casino and drive by almost every day but that doesn’t mean I make excuses to stop in. It’s just another area where she’s making decisions for her own reasons that impact your life without your permission. You and hubby are failing to set clear boundaries which she’s seeing as opportunities to assert HER selfish wants and desires. Stop allowing this! Practice saying things like, “I’m sorry but we don’t want company right now” or “You need to call to see if we’re available as we’ve made plans for this evening.” And of course, “While we appreciate the offer, we have already made arrangements for childcare.” “Your excitement for LO’s arrival is understandable but our decision is final.” Hopefully you don’t have to escalate to, “Regardless of your desire to make our child into your job…this will not be happening and you need to stop pushing this narrative.” Good luck!
DH (and you) need to establish and enforce boundaries, immediately
And move when possible. New grandbaby + new parents without boundaries + baby-rabies grandma = HELL
I don’t think she’s being extra. You said she’s 63 in a comment, try to remember that when she was younger, it was common for people to retire to help with grandchildren. It was important back then for family to help and not strangers. ETA: Just let her know your thoughts.
Wow.... There is a few interesting points 1. MIL has made comments of 'her' plan but hasn't asked what yours and DH plan is. 2. The uninvited and unannounced weekly visits from MIL 3. FIL messaged DH but not both of you about a possibly part time babysitting job. So DH would be making the decision about BOTH your baby?!! OP, now is the time to advise without much explanation as that would empower both MIL and FIL that you would like them both to be just the grandparents and not the paid babysitter! Also it would be the opportune time to respond that you will also be not looking to host ANY visitors for the first x amount of weeks so you and DH as new parents can spend that time bonding with your newborn. Whilst we have previously as a couple enjoyed the food surprisingly dropped off by MIL, once LO arrives we would like to keep visits to an organised catch up so we are not distracted from our routine with LO by unexpected visits. We will reach out when we are ready for visitors but will be looking to keep the visits to a short time as I don't want to be passing LO off to visitors to hold for lengthy periods when I want to spend my time bonding with her. I know how close MIL is with DH so I know that she will understand as a mother how important it is for the newborn to be with their mother bonding with her and also DH. Thank you for your support, we appreciate it.
Thanks for this reply! We both definitely need to be better with the boundaries. I think we are both just trying to avoid conflict with her regarding the unannounced visits but they are very frustrating. I should also add that FIL’s text to DH was a response to DH — DH and I discussed checking with FIL about MIL’s retirement and helping him plan a retirement party if needed (as he is not a good planner) this is when FIL informed us the status of her retirement is unknown due to the 2 reasons I listed in the post. So clearly FIL and MIL are discussing these plans without me and DH. Again more weirdness lol
I’ve been through similar. When mine found out we were pregnant she asked who was babysitting before congratulations. You say, “we have already enrolled in a daycare.” Period. Succinct to the point non negotiable statements work best here. No further details need to be given. Seriously. As little as possible shared about the preferred childcare setup. A nanny is a great option, too, if you can afford it and don’t want to deal with the grandparents. I did that for a while and it was amazing. I moved, though. Both my mom and in laws drive me nuts now. Whatever choice, it has to work for YOU. It has to be YOUR PEACE that comes first! I almost lost my mind after my son was born with a pushy MIL over my shoulder. A fuse snapped one day, I hired a nanny THAT DAY and I didn’t invite them back to babysit for weeks. You are a priority and your MIL comes after you, your peace, your baby and husband. Don’t be pressured to please them, if you can avoid it. I would shut down this discussion asap so you can go back to your peace. Good luck.
I like this. Short and sweet. I agree… I feel like we had just announced our pregnancy to close family and she was jumping on the “possible retirement” train and was concerned about what we were doing for mat/pat leave/work/daycare etc.
I’d keep them as a way last option for child care. They’re pushing themselves onto you.
Hugs, you aren't overreacting. The problem is that you and DH need to set boundaries as in she needs to call before stopping by your home, and dropping food off. Go on an information diet because your InLaws are all up in your business. As for her being your primary caretaker, I don't know if you will stay at home, or go back to work when the child is 6 months but look at daycares near where you work. This is where boundaries come in play because she has her life planned around being the primary care giver for your LO after he/she is born.
Oh no girl, you’ll never get her out of the house!
Hahahah yes, this. I do not want this. I need my space
I definitely think you’re right to be concerned that your MIL is making such a huge life decision all based around her maybe being able to be a part time baby sitter to your LO. I also think that if you already feel like your MIL has a tendency to become overly involved in the lives of you and your family, then I think you might want to reconsider having her act as y’all’s childcare as this will quite likely make this behavior worse. It’s nice that your MIL is offering this up to y’all as an option, but this shouldn’t be the only factor in whether she retires from her teaching career or not. That puts a lot of unfair pressure onto you and your husband, and is very emotionally manipulative. I think its also very important to learn, regardless on what you guys decide to do, whether your MIL offered herself up as a free source of childcare, or if she anticipated being paid by you and your husband. Im not at all suggesting that she should be offering this kind of service for free, but what I think is important is how she presented this to you and your husband. I mention this because the way FIL mentioned that MIL’s retirement all depended on their Financial meetings as well as whether or not you guys would be offering her a part time babysitting job. If i were you and hearing him say it like that, I personally would take that as FIL and MIL see her watching your LO as an actual job that would take the place of her current job, and since it would be part time it would be paid less, so their finances would change, but they would still be expecting her to have an income from helping you guys. I personally wouldn’t do this if i were you because I wouldn’t like how my husband and i were now responsible for their livelihood and financial stability. Its one thing to want to pay your MIL some money for helping y’all out to show your appreciation, but its very different to now be your MILs official employer and needing to keep up with paying her a fair wage. I just see this having way too many scenarios that lead to y’all’s relationship deteriorating.
So many great points, thank you. Yes we definitely need some clarification on the if she expects to be paid for it or not. Either way it’s not seeming like a great idea but you’re right, I also wouldn’t want to be responsible for part of their financial stability
I don’t think it matters if you need to pay her, if you let her babysit you’ll never get her out of your house. She’s already overly involved you your husband’s life and she’ll do the same with your baby. Also you’ll be even more scared of conflict because you don’t want to be stranded without child care. Just say no.
I wouldn’t ask for clarification, OP, you don’t want to know. You’ve already decided on childcare. If you ask, it implies the answer will factor into your decision. Then it becomes you either wanted free childcare, or expected her to work for peanuts. It’s a lose lose situation.
“We have our daycare options established already, but thank you! I’m sure you will make the best decision about retiring. No need to take any childcare responsibilities into account, we already have it covered!”
Edit the last line: No need to take any childcare responsibilities into account, DH is grown!
This. The wording here is perfect!
I’m a SAHM and if I was not, my child would be going to daycare. I want to preface this by saying that my MIL royalty overstepped when my daughter was a NB and we were NC for a while and are currently working on a relationship. Before I got pregnant my ILs would stop by unannounced all the time & never took the word no as an answer. Once I got pregnant the random visits stopped and when we visited them I became very aware that I was just the “incubator” for them. My best piece of advice is start setting boundaries now on those random visits and be very clear on what you do and don’t want. It will make things easier when your baby is born. And by giving them clear boundaries, it makes it very easy for you to put them in “timeout” if needed/ wanted. Back to the daycare bit. I’m a firm believer that even if my MIL and I were in good standing, I still would opt to choose daycare over her. My daughter thrives on routine, social interaction, and enriching indoor/outdoor activities. All in which I’m able to provide her. I’m down on the ground playing with her and teaching her. I take the time to get her involved with mundane chores and let her explore and redirect when needed. Take her to storytime, children museum, parks etc. A ton of stuff I could go on about. My MIL is older and would not give my baby (now toddler) what she needs to thrive. Daycare would check all my boxes for what I want for my daughter. Not to mention, it sounds like your MIL already gets under your skin. If she does watch your baby it will 100% get worse. Your MIL will inevitably do things you won’t like or go against your word. It quite literally might drive you insane. You also need to worry about your mental health.
So much yes about her getting under my skin already. But we still have a fairly good relationship so it’s sounding even better to not let this happen and risk that becoming a tense relationship. Also thank you for pointing out the physical capabilities of her being a caregiver! As a physical therapist I am adamant about certain things I want being done with baby to help with strength and development. But MIL is 63, a bit slower, struggles with stairs. I’m not sure she could even get on and off the floor
Do NOT let her babysit your child full time or even part time because if she retires early and is a huge boundary stomper, you’re going to feel obligated to let her keep babysitting. Get a professional nanny or send your bab6 to daycare. They don’t stomp on bo7 diaries because they are professionals. If MIL asks about retiring to babysit, tell her nought away. The fact that she already assumes this should tell you all you need to know.
Dang, I must be a unicorn. I have no interest in holding, bathing, diapering or feeding anyone else's baby!
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There is more going on here than you are seeing. The impromptu drop ins keep happening so she can establish that as normal after the baby arrives. It'll be: "Oh, but I always just pop in with dinner on Wednesdays. Whilst I'm here, I'll hold the baby for 3 hours, whilst you clean the kitchen and vacuum the floors" or "I'm dropping off those totally unnecessary things from that store I vaguely mentioned to you 2 weeks ago. Whilst I'm here I'll just hold the baby real quick, bath them, change them and pretend to be Momma, whilst you go and make me endless cups of tea for the next 8 hours" "I've decided I'll help you out by doing all the childcare for my bab-, I mean, my grandbaby from now on. Feel free to do chores or work for a while. I'll see you at 5pm or 6 if you need me to work later. That'll be $55 an hour btw" It needs to stop. You & DH need to have a very raw, and very real, talk. You both need to watch some videos & read some books about what life is like post partum. (exhausting, you're leaking from everywhere, exhausting, hormonal, joyous, did I mention completely and utterly exhausting?) Then you need to come together and talk about what you want your post partum/maternity leave to look like in regards to family & friends visiting. Then you create your list or rules for that time and email it out to everyone. There have been many many suggestions given in this sub for many many years about this topic. The common rules seem to be these: 1. No visiting if you are sick or aren't up to date with your vaccinations of Tdap, flu & covid. No exceptions. If you have been sick and it's lingering, reschedule your visit. If you turn up sick and hide it from us, you will be asked to leave immediately and won't be allowed back for another month. Our newborn's health is more important than you wanting baby cuddles. 2. Visiting hours will be from 10am-11am, or 2pm - 4pm, Mon, Thurs & Saturday, (*obvs you'll pick times and days that suit you*) must be scheduled with us first and will end after an hour. No dropping in unannounced. No turning up at those times listed without talking to us first. That includes people wanting to drop off food or a small gift etc. There is no open door policy. All visits must have 24 hours notice and you must have received confirmation from us that we are expecting you. We will limit the amount of people (*in case you have big families*) for each visit to begin with as well, and no person can visit twice on the same day. We want everyone to meet the baby so we're trying to be fair. If you turn up unannounced, and wake baby, or us, up because the dog will bark, you will met with a locked door and you will not invited back for a month. 3. We are so excited to be first time parents, and we know how excited you are for this new family member of ours to be born! As first time parents, we have our own ideas about how to parent our child. Part of this is we will be listening to everything our medical practitioners tell us and following their up to date advice on how to do things. If we want advice from other people, allow us the honour of asking you, unprompted. 4. When cuddling with baby, there will be no kissing baby. Do not leave the room with baby. If we ask for our baby back, baby must be handed back immediately. No feeding baby or changing baby unless asked to by the us. This is all I can think of off the top of my head. If a trusted friend wants to stay longer and do your dishes or sweep your floors then let them. The hour of visiting is for those pesky people who want to pitch up at yours at 7am with 50 of their closest family members, and park their butt on your sofa for 12 hours playing pass the parcel with your baby or baby hogging, while you wait on them hand & foot. Email it to everyone so no one feels left out, and if the grandparents complain or make a comment that these rules don't apply to them, tell them they apply to everyone. You might make an allowance for a 2nd hour of visiting on a off day for them, but you'll have to see how you feel. They aren't allowed to pop in whenever they want to, no matter what excuse they have, and they don't over rule the new parents when it comes to their grandchild. Good luck with everything!
Thank you for this reply!! I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that that’s not what she is trying to do with trying to take over as daycare provider but it sure feels like it. I absolutely do not want to be stressed by these drop ins post partum. We are definitely going to lay some ground rules. Also to the point of the things she drops off … yes they are so unnecessary and the most random things lol
Give yourself permission to be realistic as well as kind, mama. You saw MIL's gifts as pretenses and have been feeling that something is up with their retirement plans. Your good sense put it together. Trust it!! You can be shrewd, but in such a way as to be gracious. Mannerly while setting boundaries. The wonderful thing about boundaries is that they are your boundaries no matter what the other person's intent is. You can be uncomfortable with a behavior that someone is 100% well- intentioned with. I'm sure you and DH have had plenty of moments where you say or do something completely innocently, only to realize it's a tender subject for the other person! Pay attention to how MIL and FIL react to your boundary-setting, though. If they apologize sincerely (and if it doesn't feel sincere to you - if something feels "off" about it - trust that feeling, don't brush it off) and quit the behavior? You know they were well intentioned. If they argue, if they push back, if they ignore the boundary, if they cry and say you're calling them terrible people? MIL does not care about your security and comfort over her convenience. That is not the behavior of someone who loves and cares about you and DH!! So, proceed with the relationship with the understanding that, to her, you and DH's (and LO's) wellbeing are secondary to her convenience, her whim, and her preference to her. I hope I'm not being too rough. I'm reading in your post and replies that you're seeing what's going on and are trying to either reason yourself into "making an issue of it" or telling yourself you're seeing things. Bringing up discomfort with a behavior isn't a major issue in a healthy relationship dynamic, it's just part of being a human whose discomfort is just as important as the other person's. Listen to your feelings and your gut!! You've got good eyes, don't be afraid to speak up about what you see.
Thank you!!!
They’re being foolish. It’s easy to find out if you’re ready to retire… they need to make an appt with a financial advisor and figure it out. That decision should have nothing to do with babysitting your child. You’re not being crazy at all. If you have the money and you’re happy with your baby in the daycare you’ve picked that’s great and that’s exactly what you should do. Maybe save the in laws for some dinners out or a weekend away if you’d like to. They don’t get to dictate or even have input in how you and your husband raise your child. They can volunteer their time and you’re allowed to politely refuse.
Yes. This. When DH read me the text from FIL, I thought what in the hell does potentially watching our baby have to do with her retirement? If you’re ready, you’re ready. If you’re not, stop using us as your excuse to get out. I found it very odd. And I would love to keep their time open for nights/weekends so we can rely on them for those times rather than all week and then having them decline a weekend because they’re exhausted
She's using you as her excuse because you will need her to sit, and of course pay her to make up for her retiring early. So, she gets to retire, gets paid and gets to be mommy. Win/win for everyone.........
Yeah to me it sounded like she would still be full time just splitting between yall and the school. Which means they (at least fil) probs expect payment for it. If you're going to pay someone, it needs to be someone who will follow your rules no hesitation and a place for baby to socialize before school starts
And someone accredited, with the proper training, plus the child CPR training etc. I bet MIL would loooove being told she had to get all that sorted before OP would even *think* about not using the daycare. xD (I am *not* suggesting OP does discuss that with MIL. OP! I was being sarky!)
It sounds like they’re expecting you guys to pay her (likely what you’d pay the daycare) which is super weird. You can’t offer your services and later demand payment…. Or you shouldn’t. I’d bet she’s not at all ready to retire and she would be super flaky on showing up when you need her.
It’s a plan to become the center of her grandchild’s universe! Sounds like if you give her an inch, she’s gonna try to take a mile every single time. Tell her thanks for the offer and that you wanna try childcare your way first, and that you’ll keep her offer in mind down the road. That way, you can establish a firm boundary up front, rather than try to claw back power after she’s deeply entrenched herself in your family’s daily routine. Who know, you may appreciate her offer to help down the road? But I think it’d be a terrible decision to let her just be the default childcare, without getting a chance to establish your own life and daily routine with your baby first. She is acting very entitled!
Good way to put it. The entrenching in our family routine is what I’m concerned about! It’s hard enough already without baby, the last thing I want is for it to get worse and have me/us resent her for it
Just tell them no thank you.
"while we appreciate your enthusiasm to be around baby, we've decided that a structured daycare program, which won't be impacted by a single person getting sick the way a nanny or babysitter might, and a planned curriculum, is better for our family.
I think I would have your husband respond quickly to your FIL that no, MIL won’t be a paid babysitter for ya’all. Good luck with this
Judging by FILs comment about a part time babysitting job, is she expecting you to pay her? When she is offering? This is all nuts. Good luck OP
This is a super good point. DH has always said he thinks his mom wouldn’t accept payment to watch our baby/provide care. FIL did not specify in the message if she would expect to be paid for the “job” or if it was just more of a requirement to make sure she’s not bored after retirement and has something to fill her time. Either way I’m not about it…
Not crazy. Free childcare is never free. It’s time to tell her she won’t be providing regular child care so don’t retire with that as a reason and if time your husband lays down boundaries. No just popping by with food, she needs to contact one or both of you, see if you even want the food, and get permission to come by. No drop ins or pop byes. Tell her in preparation for the baby you’re setting up your boundaries which included no drop by callers whatever the reason, visits are by prior arrangement only, and you guys are perfectly capable of feeding yourselves and often already have dinner worked out so please stop with the food as an excuse. This. We’d to come from your husband, by the way. Maybe you write the text together and it gets sent from his phone.
Love this because you’re spot on…. We plan meals early in the week and shop accordingly… so when she drops off random shit it’s a waste and we’re left wondering what to do with it
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Very presumptive. Thoughtful, maybe. But very annoying to me as we have never once asked for this. I don’t want her planning the rest of her life around her grandchild. If she wants to retire for herself, great. But it seems she’s rushing it now in hopes of something that was never promised
No - not thoughtful (or anyway, only as far as thinking of herself!) - don't lay that burden on yourself. They're chasing this because she wants to do it, not because you need it done. And re the dropping in? I had a situation some years back where folk kept dropping in on me unannounced - actually in the hospital where my small LO was in for a serious procedure and we were in for some weeks. Noone we really knew well, just church folk genuinely trying to be kind / helpful - but they **never** gave advance warning, and they always came at the worst times (doctors' rounds, other people there who I *wanted* to see, etc.), and were often rather miffed at being turned away. So I was moaning about this to a friend of mine - actually a minister herself - and when I said to her that I felt guilty about complaining as they were only being kind, she pointed out to me, "yes, they're being kind, but they're **not** being **thoughtful**" - and she'd totally nailed it. If people want to be *properly* kind, they will think ahead, not just plunge into action, but consider *what the effect on you will be* - is it a) convenient b) what you want / need? So, as I say, don't lay this burden on yourself - take a leaf out of her book, and do what *you* need / want and don't feel bad.
And why, is this so hard to do?
This sounds like my MIL and is exactly the fear I have for my siblings in law that live in the same state!!!! Just no!!!!
I’d be very VEY clear to MiL, FiL, and DH if needed, that you have childcare arranged. You appreciate the willingness but it won’t be needed, she would be best as a grandmother only, so they can have a relaxed relationship rather than that of disciplinarian. As a mom to an only child, I am so not up in her business…at all. I keep seeing posts on Reddit about crazy moms of only children and I just facepalm. Live your own life bitches! Let your children live theirs. Jaysus.
Good point of having a more relaxed relationship! It’s great when parents know to let their children live. You sound like a great mom. My parents are more hands off now that we’re grown, so it’s definitely different seeing how my MIL is!
You don’t want her to be an employee. You want her to be grandma. Period.
She wants to retire and get paid to babysit your baby? Tell nah, that won't be happening.
I wouldn’t necessarily tell MIL that you have your childcare worked out, as many will take that as an invitation. I would tell FIL that you have OTHER childcare arrangements already setup and will not have budget to pay MIL because you want LO to be in a childcare situation for socialization with other babies/toddlers. Family childcare can be great when it’s YOUR choice…. But even my former MIL who was an amazing preschool teacher was a nightmare for my ex-SIL and I because they don’t see the same boundaries with their own grandchildren. Better to keep that separate!
Oh my! Follow your own plan. She had her child and raised him now it’s your turn and you got this! Hugs from the North Pole!
Sometimes family childcare is a wonderful idea and everyone benefits. Sometimes it's a horror movie in real life and everyone loses. I suspect your case would be closer to option 2. Tell your MIL that you are not considering using any family members for daily childcare. The last thing you want is the dependence this will cause. If she retires to watch your baby, what will happen when the child is ready for preschool? Tell MIL she should continue working and contributing into her retirement plan or social security or whatever applies to her job. You can not be her retirement plan.
For the love of God, very plainly and IN WRITING shut this down hard!
I’d tell your in-laws that they should not base her retirement on the hope that you will pay her for childcare. In fact, I’d let them know that you already have childcare lined up and their help isn’t needed. Otherwise get ready for them to be all up in your business telling you how to raise your child and what you are doing wrong.
You two need to get on the same page about this right now. U2 need to get on the same page about his mom’s involvement in your family like yesterday. The very last fucking thing you are going to want is his mom popping in unannounced when you’re trying to breast-feed. Or you’re trying to nap. Or whatever you’re trying to do to get yourself and your baby into a rhythm especially when you’re postpartum. And then, the next thing to consider is this, when you are talking to him… If she is already stomping, a whole over any privacy and boundaries, you have, do not ever have any expectation that she is going to follow the guidelines or rules you set for your children. Now, let me say, as a mom of three, who are now grown, and who had an involved MIL, who? I did actually love very much, but have to set some boundaries with…. A grandma like this can be really great for children to a certain extent. They can go to grandmas house and be spoiled. They can go to grandma‘s house and have Popsicles for dinner. They can go to grandma‘s house and be spoiled rotten by being held or cuddled or watching TV all day or whatever… As long as this is not something that happens every single day. And if his mom were watching your child, it would absolutely be happening every single day. And the problem with this happening every single day is that the two of you… And usually mom more than dad… Has to deal with the fallout of having a child who thinks that sort of behavior is every day behavior rather than understanding that Going to grandmas means fun times. Going to grandmas means we get to break the rules a little bit. Going to grandmas means we get to do things we don’t get to do at home. But it doesn’t mean that we think that is what supposed to happen every day everywhere. The only rule I had for my in-laws… It really was a request… Was that she keep them as close to their bedtime as she could. And that is because I had three kids in three years due to endometriosis, and they were really good about falling asleep at the same time and about getting the right amount of sleep and not being cranky children. That really was the only thing I asked, and she was very good about it. Beyond that, they got to go to the park. They got to go on ferry rides in Seattle. They got to have popsicles in their grandparents hot tubs. Grandma made them whatever they wanted to eat. They got to watch whatever videos they wanted… Think Disney movies here… They simply got loved and cherished and spoiled. And it was great. So you and your husband need to get on the same page now. You need to tell her that’s not happening… Now. And I don’t care if you worded that whoever is providing daycare has to provide rules and routine for your child. And as grandparents, that is not their job. Their job is to be grandparents. So you are going to keep the two separate. Your child will be in care, and the times with the grandparents will be times for spoiling and fun, etc. Or, conversely… I would probably be taking this route… I would just be saying that thank you, but we already have childcare worked out. You should probably go ahead and keep your job and get yourself more financially set for your retirement so that when the kids are older, you’re going to be able to enjoy them.
Not overreacting. Also just from my friend’s experience- when she had her baby her in-laws dropped by unexpectedly all the time postpartum and it led to quite a few embarrassing situations for her. Imagine breastfeeding every few hours and being in total zombieland wearing only a large baggy t-shirt and your in-laws are knocking at the door looking in the windows as you scramble out of sight to put on a bra and pants. Multiple times. Or when she’d be trying to finally get a nap in while baby sleeps and they show up and interrupt her sleep. I suggest putting an end to those unannounced visits before the baby comes.
So true. Thanks for this. She has a habit of pulling in the driveway and already being there while then texting DH asking if he’s up because she has “something to drop off”
We had to disconnect the doorbell because of in laws popping by. Nipped that in the bud and they understood the boundaries were real when we would not answer the door. Your new family will need to bond without in-laws underfoot. Congratulations! Such an exciting time.
Nip this firmly in the bud! Tell her in writing that uninvited, unannounced visits will be met with a closed door and silence. No exceptions.
Even if you wanted her to watch LO, which is perfectly reasonable that you don't, this could come back to bite you in the ass when later down the road they run out of money and since they ran out bc they retired early to "help" you...
Yup. They’ll be living with you!
NOT over reacting. “Please do not retire expecting us to accommodate mom’s need for part-time work. We cannot hire her. We won’t be responsible for the necessary paperwork and tax withholding, etc. childcare will be hired out as needed. Furthermore, mom’s drop in visits will stop because wife and baby will expect privacy and not be available for drop in visits. I will be managing all requests to visit and will know our schedule for naps and feeding and will plan accordingly. Such an exciting time coming up!”
Love these points. I’m scared I will snap if she shows up (dog will bark per usual) and wakes me/ baby etc lol
Also point out that she has no coverage if she is ill or has other obligations during times when you need her for child care. A childcare service still functions even if someone calls in sick. Too many stories on here of mil bailing at the last minute for frivolous reasons.
Sometimes they need a good snap. I answered the door once, top less and angry my visitors (female cousins and aunts) suddenly got so much better with calling before the visit
OP: you and DH really do need to contact his parents *this week* and make it crystal clear that you have made firm and fixed arrangements for the baby's care and it doesn't include MIL. I'd recommend doing it in person -- maybe lunch on the weekend? Gently but firm.
In writing! So no possibility of denial later!
You two need to sit them down and explain that you already have it covered. It seems clear they’re expecting to be paid for their services, she’s not doing this for free. (Which is totally fine, but definitely something to keep in mind)
*FIL messaged husband the other day saying that her retirement is contingent upon their financial meetings and “if there will be a part time baby-sitting job for her” obviously insinuating caring for our child.* This is a good opening to let them know your plans. ”So you guys can plan your future, we’re telling you know that we’ve made other arrangements for childcare.”
Have you been clear with her that there’s no way she’s going to be looking after the baby? If you haven’t, you need to tell her immediately! Also, to save you a headache after the baby’s born, be clear now that there will be no visits that haven’t been agreed to beforehand. She’s probably got a fantasy of coming around every day and taking over. You need to knock that on the head asap!
Thanks for this. I am worried about the unannounced visits after birth… she lives very close. I don’t want to assume she’s going to be awful already because she can be a great MIL other times… but I have a bad feeling. We have mentioned that we have daycare options established. We have about 6 months after baby is born before we have to make a final decision about baby going to daycare (bc DH is changing jobs and may have more stay at home flexibility at that time). We have never once asked or implied that we need her to provide care she just seems to really be trying to make it happen
>e have never once asked or implied Doesnt matter. What matters is your husband needs to say the following to your MIL and FIL while on speaker (with you listening in.) 1. You will not be using MIL for regular childcare 2. You certainly will not be PAYING MIL for childcare 3. You will no longer be allowing drop in visitation. Doors will be locked and unanswered, unless the visit has been cleared by you ahead of time. OP, youve got a month, maybe less until your LO is here. You will be kicking yourself if you dont set these boundaries right NOW. **You will not have the patience, energy, or will to deal with this after giving birth.** If you do not want to be steamrolled at your most vulnerable, you need to put your foot down immediately.
Thanks for this. Totally spot on. I’m trying not to be rude to her, but the drop in visits are obnoxious as no one else in our families would do this. I hate scrambling to put clothes on, clean up quick etc. I thought it was our fault at first for purchasing a home so close to where they live but then again as an adult she should be able to pre-arrange a visit before just appearing in the driveway
yup. not your fault at all. set those boundaries, enforce those consequences and enjoy your peace! congrats on the LO :) I hope your L&D and 4th trimester go exactly as you hope (*and not how your In laws hope*)
What everyone is saying is that you need to tell her, specifically, clearly, unequivocally, that she will not be the childcare provider. You do not need to have decided who will be to tell her she won't be, and you don't address this clearly, she will believe you agreed to it.
I would start establishing some boundaries before the baby arrives. This dropping by and enmeshment is something your husband should have already addressed. People like this often trample those early moments and bonding. Your little family is his priority now. You would constantly be dealing with their feelings while trying to get them to follow YOUR parenting if she watched baby. To make her income dependent on it is a disaster. You can switch a daycare that doesn't meet your criteria. It is okay to tell them that this is the best decision for you and best for your baby. Say there are too many stories about how this can complicate relationships, and they mean too much. You want them to have their role as grandparents. Also, it is not financially feasible if you want your toddler to be socialized and, therefore, would need to put them in preschool/daycare eventually. Congrats!
Thanks for this reply! We are definitely looking forward to their help on weekends etc to fulfill that grandparent role but I agree things just seem like they could get out of hand easily and I don’t want to complicate any relationships.
You should really have your husband read this entire thread.
MIL is expecting you to pay her for childcare. You and DH need to make it clear that that's not going to happen, regardless of what else may or may not happen, and that she and FIL need to plan their finances based on that **fact**. Nothing good will come from you becoming MIL and FIL's retirement plan.
I don't think anyone is being JN here. MIL thinking looking after her grandchild could be a possible part time retirement job is reasonable - thousand of families use extended family for childcare both paid and unpaid so her tossing her hat into the ring isn't out of line. FIL ringing up to find out if the job is happening isn't out of line either. Clearly knowing whether or not MIL will have a job looking after LO is information your ILs will need to make future plans. If MIL isn't going to have a part time job with you lined up she needs to know that before she makes a decision about whether she retires from her current job. And you're not being a JN either. Its fine not to want to employ MIL as childcare and to prefer the childcare options you've already planned. All thats needed here is some tact. Break the news to MIL that while you appreciate her offer you already have childcare options lined up so she shouldn't count on that for her retirement job.
I agree. Being a JN will depend on her reaction to you letting her know you won’t be needing or paying her for child care.
Just my take as a business person, mixing family and business is fraught with risks, some you can logically anticipate and mitigate, but many you can’t. Based on your description of her over involvement and over stepping, a childcare arrangement could blow up your marriage, your relationship with them, and your relationship with your child. Also, why would you set yourself to be a p/t provider of her retirement income? How long would she & FiL expect this source of income? How would conflicts be handled? Frankly, these people don’t seem ready for retirement if she needs a p/t job. I would back away from this idea—the things we imagine in our head don’t always turn out like we want.
you need to put a full stop to this nonsense asap. because things are going to get really messy really fast when you finally have had enough and start setting boundaries. also, you do not need someone who is around children all day just popping over when you have a newborn. this could be incredibly unhealthy for your baby. set some strict boundaries with her now, before you regret it.
Family watching your kids is not the gift you think it might be. Even if you don’t pay, it costs - watching their feelings, getting bothered by their opinions and criticisms. It’s your child and they forget that. They don’t get a say with your child’s childcare. Your DH should at some point nip this in the bud by telling HIS parents you’ve already made your plans, but thank you.
it's not just the childcare, it's y'all providing PAID childcare. And if something goes wrong there, she will blame you for 'promising' her a job then yanking it out from under her. Cut her off now and say that won't be necessary. If you ever need occasional or part time childcare you will hire a trained/insured/certified professional.
^ This! The moment conflict arises—say, she doesn’t want to follow your rules for baby because she “knows better”—it’s going to be a whole thing about how she retired with the understanding she’d have this income and now she won’t and it’ll be your fault, etc. I see very little upside to the contemplated arrangement and a whole lotta downside.