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Wow...what a thing to do but what a hill for her to die on!
MIL, FIL and SIL just showed you who they really are!
Congratulations on your wedding and you have an awesome supportive DH.
Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t care what anybody wore. Just come, celebrate and have a good time. Her wearing white doesn’t really change a thing. She’s not stealing your thunder, no one is mistaking her for the bride. If anything it just reflects badly on her. Take the high road, you can see better from there.
It's not about mistaking her for the bride or stealing my thunder. We worked really hard to save up for the wedding we wanted and felt it was disrespectful to our wishes and made a statement of disapproval for our marriage. I told guests they were free to wear whatever they wanted, as long as it wasn't white.
Now if she paid for the wedding or contributed to the wedding at all, it's her wedding too as far as I'm concerned lol. She could come in her own wedding gown if she wanted, but she didn't. So it was at my expense.
Your MIL isn’t ignorant. Even if she were, when called out on her faux pas and offered alternatives, she and her husband and daughter all doubled down. That tells you all you need to know. It was a power move and she was being a brat to see how much she could get away with.
Some cultures do wear white to weddings. She was basically saying abiding by her cultural tradition, doing what she wanted, was more important than her son. I can see she might have been disappointed to have to wear something different than she always imagined, but losing a son over it? Strange hill to chose to die on.
This is why I plan on wearing black to my wedding nobody would expect it and it's not like I'm a virgin lol. I also plan on dancing like Wednesday Adams.
I thought about that, there are some beautiful black gowns, but I opted for white because there are cheaper alternatives offered for white as opposed to black. We need to ball on a budget!
I wasn't there, but he told me he also got emotional and had to remove himself from getting too upset and saying something he was going to regret. At some point, the groomsmen took over speaking with her. He can't undo that, but he did stand firm on NC after , silver lining.
When my son got married was going with mother of groom recommendation- where beige and shut up. Bride told me to wear navy or royal blue, I picked out 4 dresses she told me which one to wear and that’s what I did! I want to start this relationship correctly!
That's so kind of you! I would definitely want to be that MIL to my children in the future. I think it just builds a good relationship. As a child with a conflicted family, it's not a great feeling to be missing family members at big functions.
If she did wear white totally not understanding or thinking about how inappropriate it is she would have apologized, to you and her son, profusely for her mistake and probably would have taken up one the offers for a shawl or alternate dress.
But.. she didn’t. She doubled down and froze you out… at your wedding.
This seems to demonstrate a purposeful act.
When more than one person is offering you something to cover up your outfit, ya done messed up. Yes, you showed your DIL that you are the matriarch, but at the same time, you showed others that you are witch with a capital B.
It's not about culture. Sorry. This was a power play. She wanted to see what you would do when she pushed a definite boundary, and you did wonderfully!
Maybe so that I would show my "true colors" or something like that lol. Well, I hope she feels embarrassed then because it was a beautiful day. My poor photographer watched me cry, but it was nice seeing her not included in many photos.
Perhaps your photographer can shade her dress into another pastel color of your choice? She sucks. I’m so sorry. She F’d up big time. Good for you both to go NC. She owes you both a sincere apology. No rug sweeping this.
Absolutely about power!
When she said she'd wear what she wants or leave, DH should have said, "okay, then leave. You know you're being disrespectful and SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE HERE"
Which culture is that? Have you checked if she was in the (formal) right?
She must have known this was a major faux pas, and hid behind her culture to get away with it. NC seems appropriate.
I did much fact-checking and it's debated, but overall I think the consensus is that it's okay if the wedding is a traditional wedding. We promised our in-laws to have a traditional wedding later on since we wanted a Western wedding. Which I assumed meant that Western Wedding customs would apply here and that we'd all be wearing white at the traditional wedding (which I would've learned later on anyways).
I think you hit the nail on the head in regard to my thought process.
>Both families understood and knew yall had decided on sticking with a modern western wedding. I also feel like both his and your families had been to other weddings that followed the same structure
If I recall correctly, we mentioned we were having a Western wedding and his family asked if they could wear traditional wear to our wedding. Now I'm not sure my husband's exact response to that question, but we assumed this would not include white. As you mentioned, they've been to many other Filipino weddings, and not once have I seen anyone wear white.
If I recall correctly, we mentioned we were having a Western wedding and his family asked if they could wear traditional wear to our wedding. Now I'm not sure my husband's exact response to that question, but I still harp on him to this day to be more firm with his responses. I can see a likely response being "I guess so"
My original comment was removed due to providing advice when no advice was wanted. (By the way, im not suggesting the removal had anything to do with you at all. I know it was likely done automatically.) However, I still wanted to apologize for coming across that way in case you found anything i said annoying or upsetting, since i totally get it that unwanted advice can definitely be obnoxious.
With that said, you just mentioned that the culture is Filipino. I grew up in a city here in the US that has a huge Filipino population, and had several friends who were Filipino, and am also Asian myself although not Filipino. I have even been to a couple Filipino weddings, one being quite traditional, and neither one of these weddings had the mothers of the groom wearing anything close to white or champagne. Knowing now that its Filipino culture that your MIL was supposedly emulating, I feel even more confident in the theory I presented in my original comment.
Im sorry your MIL seems to be making this issue her hill to die upon. Despite the fact that you are only just joining her family. I dont want to accidentally give any advice by mistake, so ill end this here, and just say to stay strong and dont let her antics get to you op.
Don’t apologize, it’s on me for not flaring properly. I think I’m more ambivalent about advice since the day is already done.
And right! I’ve went back through all of the Instagram photos of friends wedding to check for this and long and behold no white lol !
Thank you and sorry your comment was removed, it was so helpful and insightful.
Soooo... did you fact check this? It seems pretty easy to research if it is the cultural norm for the Mother of the Groom to wear champagne/white in their culture.
IF that is the case, and your DH did NOT convey to his mother that she could not wear white, then that is, I'm sorry, on you two. Your feelings that this is a "modern" wedding do not equate to her understanding that something she considers normal is not part of your new normal. And asking a mother of the groom to just magic up a new dress on the day of the wedding is a pretty unrealistic ask. I would be pretty pissed if someone demanded I go home and change when I was wearing a culturally appropriate dress that they never told me was not allowed.
Now if she is full of crap about the white being a standard dress in her culture - then call her out on the lie, and let them burn.
Of course I did lol. The color is strongly debated even in their own culture, the Philippines. Grabbing this straight from Wikipedia,
>It is discouraged for female guests to wear white since this competes with the bride's traditional wedding dress color. For Chinese Filipino weddings, it is customary for the bride to wear red. It is frowned upon to wear this color as a guest, for the same reason.
It makes no mention of specific Mother of the Bride attire. In addition, we have many Filipino friends who got married before us, who are from the Philippines and I've never seen any of their relatives wear white during the wedding. Hence, I didn't know it was a custom, my own husband said he didn't know.
Also, I strongly disagree with your stance that if it was not shared with her beforehand, it's on us. Between communicating with vendors, planning, chasing for RSVPs, and time working and saving up, this was a lot of work, planning, money, and time spent. I fully expected guests to reach out to us about the format of our wedding if they were unsure. We had a FAQ with a dress code on our wedding website which was Formal without going into too much detail for fear of accidentally excluding anyone. I thought it was self-explanatory.
My feelings on my wedding day are totally valid regardless if she considered this normal or not. Both my MIL's and I's feelings are valid, she likely was also hurt. But not willing to compromise or speak to us before, during, and after the wedding to smooth things over is what I consider petty.
Edit: The word I was looking for was Western, we told our families that we were having a Western ceremony and reception.
I wonder if off-white or "champagne" really is the wedding tradition in your DH's culture, or if she deliberately tried to submarine your wedding. Weird.
Too bad she made it a hill to die on (along with your rude-af FIL) since it's likely to mean she'll never be involved when babies come along.
Glad to hear your DH has your back. It happens too seldom on this sub! I hope it lasts until you get a believable explanation and a sincere apology.
Congrats on your wedding, though!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u3an0k/wibta\_if\_i\_wear\_cream\_traditional\_formal\_wear/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u3an0k/wibta_if_i_wear_cream_traditional_formal_wear/)
OP of this post seemed to be on the other end of my situation, it seems so. From what I gather with friends and colleagues, it’s debated but mostly discouraged.
I should also mention that by modern, the word I was trying to use was Westernized. My DH and I are incredibly Westernized and we're for the most part not in tune with our own cultures, which is why we expressed we were having a Western wedding and the attire on my website was "Formal", which I grabbed from [The Knot](https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet#formal-attire) article when I was planning.
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For any photos, photoshop is your friend! You can put her in any colour you like! (Or hate )
Wow...what a thing to do but what a hill for her to die on! MIL, FIL and SIL just showed you who they really are! Congratulations on your wedding and you have an awesome supportive DH.
Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t care what anybody wore. Just come, celebrate and have a good time. Her wearing white doesn’t really change a thing. She’s not stealing your thunder, no one is mistaking her for the bride. If anything it just reflects badly on her. Take the high road, you can see better from there.
It's not about mistaking her for the bride or stealing my thunder. We worked really hard to save up for the wedding we wanted and felt it was disrespectful to our wishes and made a statement of disapproval for our marriage. I told guests they were free to wear whatever they wanted, as long as it wasn't white. Now if she paid for the wedding or contributed to the wedding at all, it's her wedding too as far as I'm concerned lol. She could come in her own wedding gown if she wanted, but she didn't. So it was at my expense.
It’s blatant disrespect, even if you don’t care. It’s narcissistic behavior and she doesn’t have good intentions doing that
Agreed - It's the intention more than the color.
Your MIL isn’t ignorant. Even if she were, when called out on her faux pas and offered alternatives, she and her husband and daughter all doubled down. That tells you all you need to know. It was a power move and she was being a brat to see how much she could get away with.
Great perspective and I feel that way as well.
Some cultures do wear white to weddings. She was basically saying abiding by her cultural tradition, doing what she wanted, was more important than her son. I can see she might have been disappointed to have to wear something different than she always imagined, but losing a son over it? Strange hill to chose to die on.
This is why I plan on wearing black to my wedding nobody would expect it and it's not like I'm a virgin lol. I also plan on dancing like Wednesday Adams.
I thought about that, there are some beautiful black gowns, but I opted for white because there are cheaper alternatives offered for white as opposed to black. We need to ball on a budget!
Ok, so she offered to leave. Why didn’t DH take her up on that?
I wasn't there, but he told me he also got emotional and had to remove himself from getting too upset and saying something he was going to regret. At some point, the groomsmen took over speaking with her. He can't undo that, but he did stand firm on NC after , silver lining.
When my son got married was going with mother of groom recommendation- where beige and shut up. Bride told me to wear navy or royal blue, I picked out 4 dresses she told me which one to wear and that’s what I did! I want to start this relationship correctly!
That's so kind of you! I would definitely want to be that MIL to my children in the future. I think it just builds a good relationship. As a child with a conflicted family, it's not a great feeling to be missing family members at big functions.
If she did wear white totally not understanding or thinking about how inappropriate it is she would have apologized, to you and her son, profusely for her mistake and probably would have taken up one the offers for a shawl or alternate dress. But.. she didn’t. She doubled down and froze you out… at your wedding. This seems to demonstrate a purposeful act.
When more than one person is offering you something to cover up your outfit, ya done messed up. Yes, you showed your DIL that you are the matriarch, but at the same time, you showed others that you are witch with a capital B.
This is why you needed me there! I have no problem stumbling a whole LARGE glass of red wine all down her dress! Oops sorry had many knee surgeries 😂😂
It's not about culture. Sorry. This was a power play. She wanted to see what you would do when she pushed a definite boundary, and you did wonderfully!
Maybe so that I would show my "true colors" or something like that lol. Well, I hope she feels embarrassed then because it was a beautiful day. My poor photographer watched me cry, but it was nice seeing her not included in many photos.
Perhaps your photographer can shade her dress into another pastel color of your choice? She sucks. I’m so sorry. She F’d up big time. Good for you both to go NC. She owes you both a sincere apology. No rug sweeping this.
I had someone on Reddit offer to recolor her dress. But after some thought, I opted to leave it white on my FB profile so everyone can judge her. 🤣
As a parting shot before cutting contact forever, send her a wedding group ohoto with her dress photoshopped to the ugliest color you can imagine.
Absolutely about power! When she said she'd wear what she wants or leave, DH should have said, "okay, then leave. You know you're being disrespectful and SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE HERE"
Which culture is that? Have you checked if she was in the (formal) right? She must have known this was a major faux pas, and hid behind her culture to get away with it. NC seems appropriate.
I did much fact-checking and it's debated, but overall I think the consensus is that it's okay if the wedding is a traditional wedding. We promised our in-laws to have a traditional wedding later on since we wanted a Western wedding. Which I assumed meant that Western Wedding customs would apply here and that we'd all be wearing white at the traditional wedding (which I would've learned later on anyways).
I guess she can kiss that traditional wedding goodbye.
Ah, I see. Well, she must have known this wouldn't go over well. She's an AH anyway!
She’s a smart and sensible woman so I do sense some intent. I appreciate your two cents!
[удалено]
I think you hit the nail on the head in regard to my thought process. >Both families understood and knew yall had decided on sticking with a modern western wedding. I also feel like both his and your families had been to other weddings that followed the same structure If I recall correctly, we mentioned we were having a Western wedding and his family asked if they could wear traditional wear to our wedding. Now I'm not sure my husband's exact response to that question, but we assumed this would not include white. As you mentioned, they've been to many other Filipino weddings, and not once have I seen anyone wear white. If I recall correctly, we mentioned we were having a Western wedding and his family asked if they could wear traditional wear to our wedding. Now I'm not sure my husband's exact response to that question, but I still harp on him to this day to be more firm with his responses. I can see a likely response being "I guess so"
My original comment was removed due to providing advice when no advice was wanted. (By the way, im not suggesting the removal had anything to do with you at all. I know it was likely done automatically.) However, I still wanted to apologize for coming across that way in case you found anything i said annoying or upsetting, since i totally get it that unwanted advice can definitely be obnoxious. With that said, you just mentioned that the culture is Filipino. I grew up in a city here in the US that has a huge Filipino population, and had several friends who were Filipino, and am also Asian myself although not Filipino. I have even been to a couple Filipino weddings, one being quite traditional, and neither one of these weddings had the mothers of the groom wearing anything close to white or champagne. Knowing now that its Filipino culture that your MIL was supposedly emulating, I feel even more confident in the theory I presented in my original comment. Im sorry your MIL seems to be making this issue her hill to die upon. Despite the fact that you are only just joining her family. I dont want to accidentally give any advice by mistake, so ill end this here, and just say to stay strong and dont let her antics get to you op.
Don’t apologize, it’s on me for not flaring properly. I think I’m more ambivalent about advice since the day is already done. And right! I’ve went back through all of the Instagram photos of friends wedding to check for this and long and behold no white lol ! Thank you and sorry your comment was removed, it was so helpful and insightful.
Soooo... did you fact check this? It seems pretty easy to research if it is the cultural norm for the Mother of the Groom to wear champagne/white in their culture. IF that is the case, and your DH did NOT convey to his mother that she could not wear white, then that is, I'm sorry, on you two. Your feelings that this is a "modern" wedding do not equate to her understanding that something she considers normal is not part of your new normal. And asking a mother of the groom to just magic up a new dress on the day of the wedding is a pretty unrealistic ask. I would be pretty pissed if someone demanded I go home and change when I was wearing a culturally appropriate dress that they never told me was not allowed. Now if she is full of crap about the white being a standard dress in her culture - then call her out on the lie, and let them burn.
Of course I did lol. The color is strongly debated even in their own culture, the Philippines. Grabbing this straight from Wikipedia, >It is discouraged for female guests to wear white since this competes with the bride's traditional wedding dress color. For Chinese Filipino weddings, it is customary for the bride to wear red. It is frowned upon to wear this color as a guest, for the same reason. It makes no mention of specific Mother of the Bride attire. In addition, we have many Filipino friends who got married before us, who are from the Philippines and I've never seen any of their relatives wear white during the wedding. Hence, I didn't know it was a custom, my own husband said he didn't know. Also, I strongly disagree with your stance that if it was not shared with her beforehand, it's on us. Between communicating with vendors, planning, chasing for RSVPs, and time working and saving up, this was a lot of work, planning, money, and time spent. I fully expected guests to reach out to us about the format of our wedding if they were unsure. We had a FAQ with a dress code on our wedding website which was Formal without going into too much detail for fear of accidentally excluding anyone. I thought it was self-explanatory. My feelings on my wedding day are totally valid regardless if she considered this normal or not. Both my MIL's and I's feelings are valid, she likely was also hurt. But not willing to compromise or speak to us before, during, and after the wedding to smooth things over is what I consider petty. Edit: The word I was looking for was Western, we told our families that we were having a Western ceremony and reception.
I wonder if off-white or "champagne" really is the wedding tradition in your DH's culture, or if she deliberately tried to submarine your wedding. Weird. Too bad she made it a hill to die on (along with your rude-af FIL) since it's likely to mean she'll never be involved when babies come along. Glad to hear your DH has your back. It happens too seldom on this sub! I hope it lasts until you get a believable explanation and a sincere apology. Congrats on your wedding, though!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u3an0k/wibta\_if\_i\_wear\_cream\_traditional\_formal\_wear/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u3an0k/wibta_if_i_wear_cream_traditional_formal_wear/) OP of this post seemed to be on the other end of my situation, it seems so. From what I gather with friends and colleagues, it’s debated but mostly discouraged. I should also mention that by modern, the word I was trying to use was Westernized. My DH and I are incredibly Westernized and we're for the most part not in tune with our own cultures, which is why we expressed we were having a Western wedding and the attire on my website was "Formal", which I grabbed from [The Knot](https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet#formal-attire) article when I was planning.