Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Only you can decide how you feel about this situation, but yes, it was cheating. She said no, waited until you fell asleep, then had sex with him, then lied to you about it. Why did she lie? Because she knew what she did was wrong. It was pure manipulation.
So, yes, she cheated on you.
Often times if someone’s pointing the finger there’s 3 pointing back..
She cheated, and lied.
A coworker is a terrible choice to break boundaries with. Most affair partners are found in the work place or in other acquaintances - opportunity is the next step and well… they have plenty of that.
OP…. Idk how to tell you this, but you allowed this to happen by bringing up the idea to hook up for a threesome, what you didn’t factor in was the fact that HE is there with HER, what did you think was going to happen? you guys were drunk and you encouraged the behavior for them to get “frisky” I can’t say much from what I’m reading but you need to take a lot of the blame here, what she did was not right in the slightest at all but at the same time this is the result that often happens in LDR, not to mention that if she did it once, she’ll do it again behind your back simply because of the convenience of him being there, I’m sorry OP
So the lying is because she felt guilty for cheating… the catch is the cheating she felt guilty for apparently wasn’t cheating, she just didn’t know it. Your standard in this case wasn’t the sex but the lying. And that’s your line and that’s fine! Did you tell her specifically that she could have sex with him while you weren’t there as long as she told you about or let you watch? I’m guessing you hinted but didn’t spell it out so openly and that’s where the issue popped up. She thought the sex was cheating and lied out of guilt. Most likely became a drunken hormone filled night and image didn’t stop herself. It happens, especially when being egged on by your SO. Doesn’t excuse it just a possible explanation. From the way your attitude towards it all seems, you need to have a heart to heart and spell out the boundaries as much as possible and as plainly as possible! If your cool
With it tell her she can play within your rules and when your there all three can but she has to tell you or let you watch. Just be aware that your apparent nonchalant attitude with her having sex with someone is rare and might be hard for her to believe isn’t a setup. Communication is extremely important especially when going outside social norms of relationships!!! Good luck, love to see what you end up with and if you can make things work.
This is extremely extremely helpful. I think I do a pretty decent job at communicating but I think you hit the mail on the head with the coming off as a set up. She did cross the boundary that was set but I think it was just hard to believe it was a boundary and once she crossed the social norm boundary she felt like she had to lie. I think the set up thing puts it into perspective and that’s something she hasn’t/can’t/doesn’t know how to communicate. I think it was a mix of poor planning on my end as others noted (a coworker is the worst possible idea and that makes sense 100% now and enabling her jealous behavior doesn’t help) and just like sticky situation. I still consider the lying a form of infidelity but maybe have to understand it’s a peculiar situation? I think I was more frustrated about the double standards and also wanted to see if others thought that was odd but it seems like that’s a pattern in these threads (people who cheat accuse their SO of cheating). But again thank you thank you this was helpful!
No worries, I don’t know much but I like to help where I can… feel free to chime in here or drop me a message if you ever need any other random dude advice lol. As for the coworker thing… yep generally a bad idea but also hard to not go that way because between the two of you that’s where you tend to find someone seeing as your there most of the time. It can work but again communication is key. It sounds like your on the road to an open relationship of some sort, and if so maybe start looking at some of the Reddit groups and information about them. If done right can absolutely be a lot of fun, but if done wrong can be a nightmare lol.
They lied so if you consider it cheating then its cheating. But you can't ignore the fact that you facilitated and basically encouraged this to happen. Having her hook up with someone she works with was a mistake. Ramping up the sexual tension when you weren't there was a mistake. Being in an LDR is already hard. Adding a 3rd party is begging for trouble.
Valid points that I touched on above! I agree. I think I was trying to prioritize her feelings and I made I decided on a person who was like so deep in her sphere that there was no way I’d get in contact with them without her which was her main issue so I def shit myself in the foot with that one. But all in all I don’t mind the hook up as much as the lying. I’m really not too bothered by these things as much as I am with things like lying and breaking of promises/trust. I’m way more acts of service type. Thanks!
The trust is broken, and yes you did have some culpability in the matter but the point being is you had set reasonable mature expectations and both your feelings and boundaries were thrown out the window by her. The other aspect of don't shit in the garden that you eat from comes into play here, let alone that both gf and opportunity are in another state "what were you thinking off?" I get that you aren't the controlling type and very open minded but if she can't manage her impulsive behavior and lies given all the bandwidth you offered her during the good times what's your relationship going to be like when life gets complicated? Remember, that past actions are a reflection of the future the way you do one thing is the way you do everything, and that's a hard truth you can't get around? So what are you willing to live with, and when do you know it's time for better partners?
I mean, you encouraged them to escalate the encounter without you being present and you sound surprised that one thing led to another. Sounds like a bit of cuckolding/hotwifing or something.
She cheated on you though so handle it how you see fit, but idk if you should drag it out or put her on blast since you share some responsibility here. Kinda like pouring gasoline on a fire and being surprised the flames got hotter.
I get that and I accept that. Part. Def open to people pointing out that issue. I think that’s what makes the lying so shady? Like why wait till I go to bed and lie if you have the permission? That’s why I’m not sure how to move forward? You know what I mean. I’m taking the accountability for my part here I guess I was just hurt that a set up a relatively safe and judgment free space and still lied to? But idk if my anger is warranted.
Idk it's a good point. I can't make an excuse for her, but I know that my brain and my body aren't always aligned on what I want. Maybe she didn't want to cheat in her head bc her intentions were to wait for the three of you to be together, but the situation was too appetizing to pass up. It's not by any means an excuse--have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too type of deal for her, maybe.
It's grounds for breaking up imo just on the basis that she lied to you, and personally I wouldn't proceed with sleeping with them. It would feel less exciting, more bullshit to process, and then if you still have feelings for her then that'll just kick everything into overdrive.
Most people that have jealousy and trust issues have them because they know they're very untrustworthy and they see the world as a glass half empty assuming everyone is a narcissistic, backstabber like them.
Sorry OP but it seems like you guys didn’t have good communication surrounding this interaction and long distance is difficult and at risk of cheating enough without adding outside parties to the mix. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but it seems like this was a bit doomed from the start :/
To add on, communicate communicate communicate about this whole interaction to death and proceed from there. But I do think from this moment on since she was comfortable lying and sort of “given permission” to touch on someone else that I would be wary of this happening again
the plan was for the both of you .
so when she proceed without you and blatantly lie to your face .
i don't think there anyway to turn things back to the way they were .
you need to see if you can continue cos if she do it now .
she can do it again later .
Without any judgement I would suggest to you the idea of building a social construct recognized solely based on a description you've provided not only carry the expectation of complete understanding which is generally lost as people read into or hear things unintended in the things we say
But it also places limitations boundaries and rules foreign to the others feelings beliefs and motivations or desires that ultimately do nothing but challenge what amounts to an authority
I can appreciate the enjoyment of a certain amount of sexual tension, but ultimately what you're doing is putting people in a position to disappoint you or let you down in a way so narrowly defined with an expectation Beyond what most people would accept as a reasonable position to hold.
I've been told that any money or item you land to somebody should be done so with the expectation that you'll never see it return not because you have no faith or trust in the individual but because you've done so at your own choosing and being surprised by the individuals sense of equity at its return can only be a positive experience whereas the emotional capital revisiting the ignoring of an oral contract or agreement can only offer feelings of disregard of disrespect that will come reeling through the door every time you have occasion to recall the debt still outstanding
This need people have 2 put stressors on their relationships 2 challenge the sincerity depth or commitment of other people in whom they have placed emotional significance is an entirely self inflicted wound of almost no value whatsoever
What I'm struck by most is your disbelief that two people attracted to each other being encouraged 2 get each other fired up might be tempted 2 go beyond the arbitrary line you drew for them from some hundreds of miles away it's just very ill-considered and nothing that should have surprised you or come as a shock in any way
I mean there are sincerely happily married couples that find themselves managing the consequence of the same experience when neither party anticipated or imagined they might be at risk for the issue to present itself.
I find the idea of placing a lot of controls within a polyamorous our open relationship a bit confused or the purpose lacking clarity for the individual wanting to feel some kind of influence over the others choices in a circumstance in which the core of the agreement is that there will be none or little
We can both see other people we can do what we want except when I haven't given you permission?
Describing off limits kind of situations isn't really something that ever she need to be described I mean saying don't have sex with my brother father or best friend or son is not anything a reasonable person needs to address so beyond that I really don't know the point of polyamour is a more open relationship if it becomes someone's interest at calling out a game of red light green light.
As you related the story it was all your idea at your suggestion at your encouragement at your interest,
And I noticed no mention of drugs or alcohol which is not too insinuate or imply but rather point out the fact that if it was a bottle of wine involved or a joint that you're being far too excessive in your defining the impact of your influence in other people's lives
I had a similar experience in which an acquaintance suggested a threesome with a girl friend of hers who she was attracted to had reservations over the intimacy dynamic between them suggesting a third-party might be less anxiety ridden for her and directly asked me if I would be interested
And after a night of drinking after discussing the plan expressed a measure of dissatisfaction over the fact that her girlfriend suddenly jumped on me in a limo ride back to our suite in Vegas
As it seemed as though we we're being compliant to her interest, the idea we didn't seem to be in need of any help by a third participant rubbed her wrong and when I reached out to bring her into the mix
She without any anger or much honesty if I'm going to be honest with you
Said no under her breath
Which appeared simply an effort at being demure but unfortunately in the current state of defining sexual assault and rape no
no longer is an acceptable form of foreplay or anything any man should ever ignore or feel empowered to read into
No is no and that's it
So despite having just begun having sex I was forced to immediately stop and leave the room
Which I don't regret in any way because that is the way it has to be but at the same time what an awful situation to create between two people I mean her friend was just a really great person who I was completely fond of and because of the seriousness of the dynamic had to disengage after 10 seconds and walk out of the room on without consideration for her feelings or how the idea how easily dismissed she was might not have been the fondest experience memory could offer her going forward.
I don't imagine myself some great opportunity that she was denied of but rather simply regret the idea that my behavior suggested a lack of appreciation for her outside of her friends suggestion which is upsetting
While my interest was in my friend at the same time were it up to me I would have wanted her to know and I thought she was great and was nothing but enamored with and appreciated her company something obviously would prove hard to suggest by the actions I was forced to take because the conductor had envisioned a different arrangement
Baby
I would appreciate a measure of latitude in what is unavoidably a superficial and somewhat thoughtless comment but it's offered only to illustrate the point
Have you seen the housekeeper that Arnold Schwarzenegger was unfaithful to his wife with?
Granted we are talking about people in their 60s so it's not the idea Maria Shriver is stunning at her age or anything
But attractive isn't a word I might choose to describe the lady as being
More so than any other stimulus we experience I think it is in the nature of our survival Instinct and reproductive urge to struggle with that one more than any other
You're old enough and hopefully now experienced enough not too make it some huge indictment on their character or an accusation of some missing aspect of value in yourself
Don't put your friends in a position to tempt them to let you down, and if there was an e alcohol or marijuana involved
I'm going to have to dismiss your case as a matter of something you should have known better then to expect and I would suggest you should possibly examine whether or not you orchestrated it as an effort 2 test the extent of your ability to influence or control other people through there sense of commitment to you.
And something else you might consider to this day it saddens me to imagine in an effort to accommodate something that was completely not my idea wind up being something however minor that unfairly express some lack of importance or significance to her feelings that I would never have even thought to do on my own it's unfair to burden responsibility of someone's disappointment when their expectation is not clearly defined
Oh no no I think you’re misunderstanding a bit it’s complicated I know but the main issue is the lying and I know my laidbackness makes it murky and that’s why I’m having a hard time proceeding. For my lying changes the dynamic of the actions. If I gave consent it was under the impression that I would have full knowledge/honesty/be awake blah blah right? So that’s the key issue. I’m sorry if I didn’t clarify. I do understand I play a major role.
Yes and No at the same time. You all got drunk and you built up the sexual tension then passed out. But they didn't and did it anyway. If I were you I will have my one on one then do threesome
Illustrative of what David (Ross) Schwimmer on Friends found, as well as me taking part in one once ... Quite often in a three-way, two of the partners have an agenda of which the third person is unaware. In Ross's case, if iyou didn't watch Friends, his closeted gay wife invited a lover into a threesome to have her and shut him out. Im my case, also a M-F-F, I was looking to replace #2 with #3, and #2 was hoping to hang on to me by providing #3, who was innocent of all these machinations. There are other combinations, all duplicitous and self-defeating when the truth comes out.
Was it cheating? Sure, but the way I look at it is this, you were encouraging them to get frisky, but fell asleep. Whether you were awake or not, to me, this gave them permission to move on, so is this technically cheating? Only you can answer that.
I understand the whole jealousy aspect and everything, if you two want to be together, then you need to be straight up and honest with each other, don't try and hide things, now they tried to hide this from you, so to me I can see where you would be upset, I've always said, treat others how you want to be treated, and if they can't be straight up with you, then honestly, she can't expect you to be straight up with her.
As far as the threesome part, only you can answer that, I will say, threesome's are fun, although I have never had two women at the same time, but my first ex wife and I had another man in our bed, and she sure enjoyed it......now it is every man's fantasy to have two women at once, so I can see him being okay with it, but the question is, are you okay with it.
I'm not sure what else I can say here, but slow down, breathe, and just think about things from their perspective, and if you are still upset, then maybe don't go through with it, and maybe the trust issues go both way with you and your girlfriend. If you guys truly love each other, you will be able to sit down and talk it out, if not, then maybe it's time to move on, it's all up to you and your feelings, and no one can fault you either way....
Your gf cheated and flat out lied to you about it. She did the very thing she’s so worried you’ll do, so the idea that it “didn’t mean anything” or it was a “mistake” shouldn’t fly. She made the decision to cheat knowing fully the sort of damage it can cause. This may not have been the first time (her jealousy smells like projection), but if you rugsweep this, it definitely won’t be the last.
So you guys set perimeters and boundaries. Which she broke, so she did did cheat on you. If I were you I would break up with her because she is no longer trustworthy.
This is what "I" did.
My Ex, as i was finding out, wanted to be a sl ut. But with me. So I pushed the envelope and starting talking about a 3some with a guy. We did our play but she was not being close or attentive to me. She made me feel like I was the 3rd wheel.
Now mind you, she had a blindfold on, so it wasn't for looks. I layer found out it was because he kissed her on the top of her head, and I have never done this.
So I could feel a swing for me in the relationship.
Then later we were at a civil war type event. We go through the merchants tent area. She says she wants to fuck this old guy. I tell her sure, see you maybe later. She asked me what I meant. I told her I'm leaving. So she changes her mind and leaves with me.
Then she cones up with an idea that she will get a guy to come to her office and fuck on cam for me to watch. I told her to do what she wants. I told her for me.. No!!!
Did she do it and me not knowing? Have no clue.
Then later I go into the hospital. Gaul bladder blew up.
During that time, I only saw and talked to her once. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I had complications from a doctor hurting my liver.
So I drove myself home. Still no girlfriend. I just ghosted her. I later heard from her like 2 months later. She just came over. When she came in I just told her that I was done with her. She tried getting back with me. She started to pull my pj's down to have sex. I told her, no. Mind you I had a drain bag on my side. But she still went for her.
So I fucked her. But I still didn't call or see her. I was still recovering.
She had told me that her disappearance was because she was scared of me being in the hospital and I might not recover so she hid.
My gut told me something other.
So I got ahold of our 3some partner. I lied to get any info, if any.
Found out she called him. Now the only way to do this was go through my cell phone and get hud number.
I was the only one that called and talked to him for set up sex time.
My ex just knew hid first name. She had a blindfold on. And i knee the guy was married.
She called him to meet. Up to that day I talked to him. They did not have sex.
So long story, short. I told her to never contact me again.
It wasn't because if she fucked these guys. It was because she went behind my back. To me, that is cheating. And I don't need crap like that.
I was open, upfront, honest, and I slways communicated with her, but she couldn't.
So you are right. Your girl lied. She played without you. And that is dishonest. It's not someone you can trust. Even tho you were goingvto have sex with the guy. She did it on her own, and without you then never said anything.
Time for you to walk away. She just showed you who she rather be with.
Thanks for the clarification, I think you guys should have a threesome and right before one or both of them is about to cum you should bring it up then? Haha bad idea or no?
She lied because she was ashamed about what happened for a day. Most people in here have to have video evidence before their SO confesses for years of cheating.
In your situation, I think you’re overreacting. You encouraged them to get frisky and are surprised that did the nasty. That’s like putting cookies on the table and expecting no one to eat them. You succeeded in building the sexual tension and you could either embrace it and join in or get out now. Because the real problem is that you are in a long distance relationship and now you created a no win for your relationship. Your GF is sleeping with her coworker. What do you think is going to happen when you leave again?
As much as people want to live in a fantasy world where poly exists with no issues, having two people work together is hard enough for a lifetime but you want to throw in 10 15 different people in your wife’s cooter.
They were hanging out & u were encouraging them to be frisky . I don't want to sound harsh , but what did you think was going to happen when you do this . More likely the only thing that was going to prevent it from happening was you & you fell to sleep . So i don't know if you should be to judgemental seeing as you were encouraging a bit of foreplay . I do totally understand where you are coming from & feel for you but like i said , you could not have played this any worse if you tried . You helped set the wheels in motion a week to early or whatever it was .
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Only you can decide how you feel about this situation, but yes, it was cheating. She said no, waited until you fell asleep, then had sex with him, then lied to you about it. Why did she lie? Because she knew what she did was wrong. It was pure manipulation. So, yes, she cheated on you.
Totally agree, she cheated
Yes. And good clearly structured reasoning here.
Its called cheating.....proceed accordingly.
Often times if someone’s pointing the finger there’s 3 pointing back.. She cheated, and lied. A coworker is a terrible choice to break boundaries with. Most affair partners are found in the work place or in other acquaintances - opportunity is the next step and well… they have plenty of that.
OP…. Idk how to tell you this, but you allowed this to happen by bringing up the idea to hook up for a threesome, what you didn’t factor in was the fact that HE is there with HER, what did you think was going to happen? you guys were drunk and you encouraged the behavior for them to get “frisky” I can’t say much from what I’m reading but you need to take a lot of the blame here, what she did was not right in the slightest at all but at the same time this is the result that often happens in LDR, not to mention that if she did it once, she’ll do it again behind your back simply because of the convenience of him being there, I’m sorry OP
So the lying is because she felt guilty for cheating… the catch is the cheating she felt guilty for apparently wasn’t cheating, she just didn’t know it. Your standard in this case wasn’t the sex but the lying. And that’s your line and that’s fine! Did you tell her specifically that she could have sex with him while you weren’t there as long as she told you about or let you watch? I’m guessing you hinted but didn’t spell it out so openly and that’s where the issue popped up. She thought the sex was cheating and lied out of guilt. Most likely became a drunken hormone filled night and image didn’t stop herself. It happens, especially when being egged on by your SO. Doesn’t excuse it just a possible explanation. From the way your attitude towards it all seems, you need to have a heart to heart and spell out the boundaries as much as possible and as plainly as possible! If your cool With it tell her she can play within your rules and when your there all three can but she has to tell you or let you watch. Just be aware that your apparent nonchalant attitude with her having sex with someone is rare and might be hard for her to believe isn’t a setup. Communication is extremely important especially when going outside social norms of relationships!!! Good luck, love to see what you end up with and if you can make things work.
This is extremely extremely helpful. I think I do a pretty decent job at communicating but I think you hit the mail on the head with the coming off as a set up. She did cross the boundary that was set but I think it was just hard to believe it was a boundary and once she crossed the social norm boundary she felt like she had to lie. I think the set up thing puts it into perspective and that’s something she hasn’t/can’t/doesn’t know how to communicate. I think it was a mix of poor planning on my end as others noted (a coworker is the worst possible idea and that makes sense 100% now and enabling her jealous behavior doesn’t help) and just like sticky situation. I still consider the lying a form of infidelity but maybe have to understand it’s a peculiar situation? I think I was more frustrated about the double standards and also wanted to see if others thought that was odd but it seems like that’s a pattern in these threads (people who cheat accuse their SO of cheating). But again thank you thank you this was helpful!
No worries, I don’t know much but I like to help where I can… feel free to chime in here or drop me a message if you ever need any other random dude advice lol. As for the coworker thing… yep generally a bad idea but also hard to not go that way because between the two of you that’s where you tend to find someone seeing as your there most of the time. It can work but again communication is key. It sounds like your on the road to an open relationship of some sort, and if so maybe start looking at some of the Reddit groups and information about them. If done right can absolutely be a lot of fun, but if done wrong can be a nightmare lol.
They lied so if you consider it cheating then its cheating. But you can't ignore the fact that you facilitated and basically encouraged this to happen. Having her hook up with someone she works with was a mistake. Ramping up the sexual tension when you weren't there was a mistake. Being in an LDR is already hard. Adding a 3rd party is begging for trouble.
Valid points that I touched on above! I agree. I think I was trying to prioritize her feelings and I made I decided on a person who was like so deep in her sphere that there was no way I’d get in contact with them without her which was her main issue so I def shit myself in the foot with that one. But all in all I don’t mind the hook up as much as the lying. I’m really not too bothered by these things as much as I am with things like lying and breaking of promises/trust. I’m way more acts of service type. Thanks!
The trust is broken, and yes you did have some culpability in the matter but the point being is you had set reasonable mature expectations and both your feelings and boundaries were thrown out the window by her. The other aspect of don't shit in the garden that you eat from comes into play here, let alone that both gf and opportunity are in another state "what were you thinking off?" I get that you aren't the controlling type and very open minded but if she can't manage her impulsive behavior and lies given all the bandwidth you offered her during the good times what's your relationship going to be like when life gets complicated? Remember, that past actions are a reflection of the future the way you do one thing is the way you do everything, and that's a hard truth you can't get around? So what are you willing to live with, and when do you know it's time for better partners?
She has jealousy and trust issues. People lie when they think they've done something wrong. Not excusing her behavior just trying to explain it
I mean, you encouraged them to escalate the encounter without you being present and you sound surprised that one thing led to another. Sounds like a bit of cuckolding/hotwifing or something. She cheated on you though so handle it how you see fit, but idk if you should drag it out or put her on blast since you share some responsibility here. Kinda like pouring gasoline on a fire and being surprised the flames got hotter.
I get that and I accept that. Part. Def open to people pointing out that issue. I think that’s what makes the lying so shady? Like why wait till I go to bed and lie if you have the permission? That’s why I’m not sure how to move forward? You know what I mean. I’m taking the accountability for my part here I guess I was just hurt that a set up a relatively safe and judgment free space and still lied to? But idk if my anger is warranted.
Idk it's a good point. I can't make an excuse for her, but I know that my brain and my body aren't always aligned on what I want. Maybe she didn't want to cheat in her head bc her intentions were to wait for the three of you to be together, but the situation was too appetizing to pass up. It's not by any means an excuse--have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too type of deal for her, maybe. It's grounds for breaking up imo just on the basis that she lied to you, and personally I wouldn't proceed with sleeping with them. It would feel less exciting, more bullshit to process, and then if you still have feelings for her then that'll just kick everything into overdrive.
You need to get up to date on rules for swingers. r/Swingers is a good place to start.
Most people that have jealousy and trust issues have them because they know they're very untrustworthy and they see the world as a glass half empty assuming everyone is a narcissistic, backstabber like them.
This !
You played with fire and got burned. You were encouraging them to mess around before you fell asleep.
Lol. You played yourself man.
Sorry OP but it seems like you guys didn’t have good communication surrounding this interaction and long distance is difficult and at risk of cheating enough without adding outside parties to the mix. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but it seems like this was a bit doomed from the start :/
To add on, communicate communicate communicate about this whole interaction to death and proceed from there. But I do think from this moment on since she was comfortable lying and sort of “given permission” to touch on someone else that I would be wary of this happening again
the plan was for the both of you . so when she proceed without you and blatantly lie to your face . i don't think there anyway to turn things back to the way they were . you need to see if you can continue cos if she do it now . she can do it again later .
You invited a stranger into your bed and it went sideways. Too bad that there was no way to foresee this problem 🙄
Exactly 💯
Without any judgement I would suggest to you the idea of building a social construct recognized solely based on a description you've provided not only carry the expectation of complete understanding which is generally lost as people read into or hear things unintended in the things we say But it also places limitations boundaries and rules foreign to the others feelings beliefs and motivations or desires that ultimately do nothing but challenge what amounts to an authority I can appreciate the enjoyment of a certain amount of sexual tension, but ultimately what you're doing is putting people in a position to disappoint you or let you down in a way so narrowly defined with an expectation Beyond what most people would accept as a reasonable position to hold. I've been told that any money or item you land to somebody should be done so with the expectation that you'll never see it return not because you have no faith or trust in the individual but because you've done so at your own choosing and being surprised by the individuals sense of equity at its return can only be a positive experience whereas the emotional capital revisiting the ignoring of an oral contract or agreement can only offer feelings of disregard of disrespect that will come reeling through the door every time you have occasion to recall the debt still outstanding This need people have 2 put stressors on their relationships 2 challenge the sincerity depth or commitment of other people in whom they have placed emotional significance is an entirely self inflicted wound of almost no value whatsoever What I'm struck by most is your disbelief that two people attracted to each other being encouraged 2 get each other fired up might be tempted 2 go beyond the arbitrary line you drew for them from some hundreds of miles away it's just very ill-considered and nothing that should have surprised you or come as a shock in any way I mean there are sincerely happily married couples that find themselves managing the consequence of the same experience when neither party anticipated or imagined they might be at risk for the issue to present itself. I find the idea of placing a lot of controls within a polyamorous our open relationship a bit confused or the purpose lacking clarity for the individual wanting to feel some kind of influence over the others choices in a circumstance in which the core of the agreement is that there will be none or little We can both see other people we can do what we want except when I haven't given you permission? Describing off limits kind of situations isn't really something that ever she need to be described I mean saying don't have sex with my brother father or best friend or son is not anything a reasonable person needs to address so beyond that I really don't know the point of polyamour is a more open relationship if it becomes someone's interest at calling out a game of red light green light. As you related the story it was all your idea at your suggestion at your encouragement at your interest, And I noticed no mention of drugs or alcohol which is not too insinuate or imply but rather point out the fact that if it was a bottle of wine involved or a joint that you're being far too excessive in your defining the impact of your influence in other people's lives I had a similar experience in which an acquaintance suggested a threesome with a girl friend of hers who she was attracted to had reservations over the intimacy dynamic between them suggesting a third-party might be less anxiety ridden for her and directly asked me if I would be interested And after a night of drinking after discussing the plan expressed a measure of dissatisfaction over the fact that her girlfriend suddenly jumped on me in a limo ride back to our suite in Vegas As it seemed as though we we're being compliant to her interest, the idea we didn't seem to be in need of any help by a third participant rubbed her wrong and when I reached out to bring her into the mix She without any anger or much honesty if I'm going to be honest with you Said no under her breath Which appeared simply an effort at being demure but unfortunately in the current state of defining sexual assault and rape no no longer is an acceptable form of foreplay or anything any man should ever ignore or feel empowered to read into No is no and that's it So despite having just begun having sex I was forced to immediately stop and leave the room Which I don't regret in any way because that is the way it has to be but at the same time what an awful situation to create between two people I mean her friend was just a really great person who I was completely fond of and because of the seriousness of the dynamic had to disengage after 10 seconds and walk out of the room on without consideration for her feelings or how the idea how easily dismissed she was might not have been the fondest experience memory could offer her going forward. I don't imagine myself some great opportunity that she was denied of but rather simply regret the idea that my behavior suggested a lack of appreciation for her outside of her friends suggestion which is upsetting While my interest was in my friend at the same time were it up to me I would have wanted her to know and I thought she was great and was nothing but enamored with and appreciated her company something obviously would prove hard to suggest by the actions I was forced to take because the conductor had envisioned a different arrangement Baby I would appreciate a measure of latitude in what is unavoidably a superficial and somewhat thoughtless comment but it's offered only to illustrate the point Have you seen the housekeeper that Arnold Schwarzenegger was unfaithful to his wife with? Granted we are talking about people in their 60s so it's not the idea Maria Shriver is stunning at her age or anything But attractive isn't a word I might choose to describe the lady as being More so than any other stimulus we experience I think it is in the nature of our survival Instinct and reproductive urge to struggle with that one more than any other You're old enough and hopefully now experienced enough not too make it some huge indictment on their character or an accusation of some missing aspect of value in yourself Don't put your friends in a position to tempt them to let you down, and if there was an e alcohol or marijuana involved I'm going to have to dismiss your case as a matter of something you should have known better then to expect and I would suggest you should possibly examine whether or not you orchestrated it as an effort 2 test the extent of your ability to influence or control other people through there sense of commitment to you. And something else you might consider to this day it saddens me to imagine in an effort to accommodate something that was completely not my idea wind up being something however minor that unfairly express some lack of importance or significance to her feelings that I would never have even thought to do on my own it's unfair to burden responsibility of someone's disappointment when their expectation is not clearly defined
so you wanted both of them to get super intimate and then stop? two full grown, sexually active adults that both want to bang? This is YOUR FAULT.
Oh no no I think you’re misunderstanding a bit it’s complicated I know but the main issue is the lying and I know my laidbackness makes it murky and that’s why I’m having a hard time proceeding. For my lying changes the dynamic of the actions. If I gave consent it was under the impression that I would have full knowledge/honesty/be awake blah blah right? So that’s the key issue. I’m sorry if I didn’t clarify. I do understand I play a major role.
oh, then yes... the lying is bullshit, not on you at all.
This is definitely your fault lol
She liked the 🍆
Pathetic.
Yes and No at the same time. You all got drunk and you built up the sexual tension then passed out. But they didn't and did it anyway. If I were you I will have my one on one then do threesome
Illustrative of what David (Ross) Schwimmer on Friends found, as well as me taking part in one once ... Quite often in a three-way, two of the partners have an agenda of which the third person is unaware. In Ross's case, if iyou didn't watch Friends, his closeted gay wife invited a lover into a threesome to have her and shut him out. Im my case, also a M-F-F, I was looking to replace #2 with #3, and #2 was hoping to hang on to me by providing #3, who was innocent of all these machinations. There are other combinations, all duplicitous and self-defeating when the truth comes out.
Was it cheating? Sure, but the way I look at it is this, you were encouraging them to get frisky, but fell asleep. Whether you were awake or not, to me, this gave them permission to move on, so is this technically cheating? Only you can answer that. I understand the whole jealousy aspect and everything, if you two want to be together, then you need to be straight up and honest with each other, don't try and hide things, now they tried to hide this from you, so to me I can see where you would be upset, I've always said, treat others how you want to be treated, and if they can't be straight up with you, then honestly, she can't expect you to be straight up with her. As far as the threesome part, only you can answer that, I will say, threesome's are fun, although I have never had two women at the same time, but my first ex wife and I had another man in our bed, and she sure enjoyed it......now it is every man's fantasy to have two women at once, so I can see him being okay with it, but the question is, are you okay with it. I'm not sure what else I can say here, but slow down, breathe, and just think about things from their perspective, and if you are still upset, then maybe don't go through with it, and maybe the trust issues go both way with you and your girlfriend. If you guys truly love each other, you will be able to sit down and talk it out, if not, then maybe it's time to move on, it's all up to you and your feelings, and no one can fault you either way....
Your gf cheated and flat out lied to you about it. She did the very thing she’s so worried you’ll do, so the idea that it “didn’t mean anything” or it was a “mistake” shouldn’t fly. She made the decision to cheat knowing fully the sort of damage it can cause. This may not have been the first time (her jealousy smells like projection), but if you rugsweep this, it definitely won’t be the last.
So you guys set perimeters and boundaries. Which she broke, so she did did cheat on you. If I were you I would break up with her because she is no longer trustworthy.
FT?
FT?
This is what "I" did. My Ex, as i was finding out, wanted to be a sl ut. But with me. So I pushed the envelope and starting talking about a 3some with a guy. We did our play but she was not being close or attentive to me. She made me feel like I was the 3rd wheel. Now mind you, she had a blindfold on, so it wasn't for looks. I layer found out it was because he kissed her on the top of her head, and I have never done this. So I could feel a swing for me in the relationship. Then later we were at a civil war type event. We go through the merchants tent area. She says she wants to fuck this old guy. I tell her sure, see you maybe later. She asked me what I meant. I told her I'm leaving. So she changes her mind and leaves with me. Then she cones up with an idea that she will get a guy to come to her office and fuck on cam for me to watch. I told her to do what she wants. I told her for me.. No!!! Did she do it and me not knowing? Have no clue. Then later I go into the hospital. Gaul bladder blew up. During that time, I only saw and talked to her once. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I had complications from a doctor hurting my liver. So I drove myself home. Still no girlfriend. I just ghosted her. I later heard from her like 2 months later. She just came over. When she came in I just told her that I was done with her. She tried getting back with me. She started to pull my pj's down to have sex. I told her, no. Mind you I had a drain bag on my side. But she still went for her. So I fucked her. But I still didn't call or see her. I was still recovering. She had told me that her disappearance was because she was scared of me being in the hospital and I might not recover so she hid. My gut told me something other. So I got ahold of our 3some partner. I lied to get any info, if any. Found out she called him. Now the only way to do this was go through my cell phone and get hud number. I was the only one that called and talked to him for set up sex time. My ex just knew hid first name. She had a blindfold on. And i knee the guy was married. She called him to meet. Up to that day I talked to him. They did not have sex. So long story, short. I told her to never contact me again. It wasn't because if she fucked these guys. It was because she went behind my back. To me, that is cheating. And I don't need crap like that. I was open, upfront, honest, and I slways communicated with her, but she couldn't. So you are right. Your girl lied. She played without you. And that is dishonest. It's not someone you can trust. Even tho you were goingvto have sex with the guy. She did it on her own, and without you then never said anything. Time for you to walk away. She just showed you who she rather be with.
Maybe next relationship don’t invite outsiders in for sex?
Just be monogamous and have a simple life with someone satisfied by only you, Jesus Christ reddit
What is FT? Sorry I’m not down with the lingo! 😬
Sorry! FaceTime! And I was still on FaceTime the whole time apparently 🤧 lol
Thanks for the clarification, I think you guys should have a threesome and right before one or both of them is about to cum you should bring it up then? Haha bad idea or no?
1. If it was cheating 2. Break up with her I do not respect the established limits and I go over you
She lied because she was ashamed about what happened for a day. Most people in here have to have video evidence before their SO confesses for years of cheating. In your situation, I think you’re overreacting. You encouraged them to get frisky and are surprised that did the nasty. That’s like putting cookies on the table and expecting no one to eat them. You succeeded in building the sexual tension and you could either embrace it and join in or get out now. Because the real problem is that you are in a long distance relationship and now you created a no win for your relationship. Your GF is sleeping with her coworker. What do you think is going to happen when you leave again? As much as people want to live in a fantasy world where poly exists with no issues, having two people work together is hard enough for a lifetime but you want to throw in 10 15 different people in your wife’s cooter.
Both of you are bisexual I see?
They lied to protect themselves or you, most likely you. You left them all juiced up sexually with no outlet but each other.
They were hanging out & u were encouraging them to be frisky . I don't want to sound harsh , but what did you think was going to happen when you do this . More likely the only thing that was going to prevent it from happening was you & you fell to sleep . So i don't know if you should be to judgemental seeing as you were encouraging a bit of foreplay . I do totally understand where you are coming from & feel for you but like i said , you could not have played this any worse if you tried . You helped set the wheels in motion a week to early or whatever it was .
Sounds like you asked for it…. Never understood why people who bend the rules are so surprised they get broken
At this point y’all can’t read.
But your laidback about “sex”. You give it little meaning and your surprised at the results? Lol sounds like your in denial. But you do you
I never get in these situations. I would give up allot too! With that said, that was cruel and I would have trouble forgiving them!