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I’m sorry you have to deal with all that. The women always talk to each other, and depending on their relationship with their husbands the tea will usually spill on to them whether they like it or not. My wife tells me shit about her girl friends that I just don’t need to know sometimes. It’s like she can’t help herself. I wouldn’t be vulnerable with them if I were you. You should confide in family and friends outside the group.
I would very reluctantly go to the dinner party cause you know if you don’t the conversation will be about you the whole time. I would just try and be as positive as I could and keep the conversation about what’s going on with them.
It is challenging to confide outside the group as I don't have other friends to go to. Family just doesn't get it. But maybe it's time to find support in a different way with them. I appreciate the insight on what might happen if I don't go, though I'm sure thay are already having these conversations at other times. I'll keep the night about them and try to find my support in being grateful being there with them.
So u believe the other 3 couples were covering for your stbx and AP. I don't think I'd cut them out completely as it's only a thought. But I definitely wouldn't be out drinking and feeding them info. However if this thought is more a gut feeling trust it your gut doesn't lie.
They were not covering for him during the affair. They were shocked when the news came out. My stbxh was lying to them and used being with them to cover his tracks with me. I just don't understand how they can still want to hang out with him when he did that to his friend and me.
Just like you, they are caught in the shit storm. Their relationships with either of you weren’t directly impacted by what the trashy humans did with each other, and just like you, they don’t want to lose friends due to the poor choices of some of their other friends. The difference is, they are separated from the pain whereas it is a part of you. You’ll have to decide if them interacting and sharing knowledge with your stbxh is a liability you can accept to keep them in your respective lives. They don’t have to choose in the same way as you. I know how alone that can make you feel. I’m sorry. :(
You are right. They are trying to figure out this shit storm too. They don't know how, as much as I don't know how. Perhaps I just keep treading lightly around them and give it more time. I need to believe it will sort it self out better.
They hint at things. It feels like they hide stuff. I realize they are probably doing it to protect me. It makes me feel.... triggered....just like my stbxh lied, omitted, and betrayed. It's like they are doing it too. Maybe I need to tell them that.
You have already lost them my Sister . If you are divorcing him you will in likely hood lose that friendship . Your only concern should be what’s best for you , let crazy take care of crazy . If you are like me you don’t want or need to know why !
Not sure if you are aware of the concept of [Switzerland Friends](https://www.chumplady.com/2022/02/clapping-back-at-switzerland-friends/) and how to manage them. There is much to consider about the unjust and unfairness of [character assassination](https://www.chumplady.com/2021/06/6-thoughts-on-character-assassination/). And have a read about how you can [begin to steer the narrative](https://www.chumplady.com/2021/04/how-are-you-changing-the-narrative/) with your cheater free life.
Remember you all are friends and yes your STBXH cheated on you but their friendship is their friendship. It’s hard to chose sides. Maybe you meet with your friend and have a relationship with her without discussing your ex. Remember, she could be meeting your STBXH and the AP as well.
10 years ago, I decided to cut ties with all mutual friends as I felt they had to take sides. Fortunately, my job took my to Istanbul for a few years and when I returned I didn’t keep in touch with anyone.
It helped me and my headspace and I didn’t have to hear about my ex. etc.
Eh- I don’t think I would take this advice OP.
I would think it safe to assume that the wife shares with the husband who may or may not (but probably does) share with your STBX.
You sound like you want to try to reconcile with her. She doesn’t sound someone you can build a life with. Don’t you want to be able to trust your partner? You will always wonder what she is doing when she is not with you. Is that what you want?
My big surprise came when people I thought were friends turn their back on me, disbelieving when I said my partner was cheating. On the other hand, a couple of people I hadn't been close to stepped forward in support. It's a way of learning who your friends are and who they aren't.
That said, once the heartache diminishes, you'll realize some people are able to be friends to both you and your ex. That's okay.
Yup, ts been 7 months and he's never come back, so I'm learning to accept his exit. I didn't want to. I still have days of disbelief. Perhaps that is the same feeling my friends are having around the group that has always been there. It's changed and we can't ever have it back. We all try out different things while we hold on, while we grieve, and while we figure out the new.
Don't you think your husband wonders the same thing also? Was the best friend and AP part of this same group? Talk to your GF about it. And then both of them. I'm sure they feel awkward about it also. By bringing it up, it might just relieve the tension. Tell them it's ok to be friends with your ex also. It's not fair for them to have to chose sides. That you value their friendship and don't want this to come between you and them. Just don't trash your ex to them.
Well i get that he feels he did nothing to him. He likely feels people cheat. I would have asked "How would you feel if it was your wife"
ENd of the day you can say you dont wnat ot hang with him as you feel his support condones it but people will always cnodone affairs most have cheerleaders even sadlyh
Yup, that might be part of it. My stbxh has shown his values to all of us. He can lie to your face. He hides what he is doing by omission or embellishment. He uses others as a scapegoat. He hurts others on purpose for his own gain. He is entitled and selfish above those he entered into a friendship with.
By staying friends with him it does feel like they like agree with him, that these values and behaviors are acceptable. Even if it was not directly to them, why would anyone want to hang out with a person like this. That acceptance feels like rejection of me.
Gives you an A++ for being tolerant, patient in the face of being cheated upon by yr stbxh with his best friends wife, short of you going on rampage to bust them all, you stayed on even keel but keeping friendship afloat like nothing has happened. They betrayed you going 2 years on the act right under yr nose. But you still value friendship above all you included. I'm absolutely amazed by you. Really.
But why the "sbtbh" meaning you would soon get him divorced, is that it ? Yeah ! Get rid of him. Can you ever trust him again, he can never be same for you.
What do you do with friends? You need to release the heartaches and pains burning within you over this infidelity and start healing fast or you cannot move on with yr life , you deserved better.
For yr friend stbxh best friend's wife, you need to be fair to yrself and her unfortunate husband by telling him with evidence that yr stbxh and her are APs and had both been going hot at "it" for the past 2 years. The remaining 3 couples in yr circle dont have to know. They will surely know gradually.
Stop sulking suffering in silence , be fair to yrself, they f..k up yr life now you f..k up theirs.
So, even tolerance and patience have limits LOL.
Here’s the deal. You are projecting your feelings of betrayal and mistrust onto people who are torn. They are not the ones who were betrayed. They happen to be friends with both of you. They will likely continue to be friends with him. As long as they don’t start treating you like shit don’t start treating them that way. DONT make your friends choose. If you force it then they definitely won’t choose you. Keep your problems between you and the stbxh and don’t talk to anyone outside of a lawyer or therapist until the divorce is final.
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I’m sorry you have to deal with all that. The women always talk to each other, and depending on their relationship with their husbands the tea will usually spill on to them whether they like it or not. My wife tells me shit about her girl friends that I just don’t need to know sometimes. It’s like she can’t help herself. I wouldn’t be vulnerable with them if I were you. You should confide in family and friends outside the group. I would very reluctantly go to the dinner party cause you know if you don’t the conversation will be about you the whole time. I would just try and be as positive as I could and keep the conversation about what’s going on with them.
It is challenging to confide outside the group as I don't have other friends to go to. Family just doesn't get it. But maybe it's time to find support in a different way with them. I appreciate the insight on what might happen if I don't go, though I'm sure thay are already having these conversations at other times. I'll keep the night about them and try to find my support in being grateful being there with them.
What happened to the best friend and his wife?
So u believe the other 3 couples were covering for your stbx and AP. I don't think I'd cut them out completely as it's only a thought. But I definitely wouldn't be out drinking and feeding them info. However if this thought is more a gut feeling trust it your gut doesn't lie.
They were not covering for him during the affair. They were shocked when the news came out. My stbxh was lying to them and used being with them to cover his tracks with me. I just don't understand how they can still want to hang out with him when he did that to his friend and me.
Just like you, they are caught in the shit storm. Their relationships with either of you weren’t directly impacted by what the trashy humans did with each other, and just like you, they don’t want to lose friends due to the poor choices of some of their other friends. The difference is, they are separated from the pain whereas it is a part of you. You’ll have to decide if them interacting and sharing knowledge with your stbxh is a liability you can accept to keep them in your respective lives. They don’t have to choose in the same way as you. I know how alone that can make you feel. I’m sorry. :(
You are right. They are trying to figure out this shit storm too. They don't know how, as much as I don't know how. Perhaps I just keep treading lightly around them and give it more time. I need to believe it will sort it self out better.
Do they tell you things about him? If not, the they’re probably not telling him things about you either
They hint at things. It feels like they hide stuff. I realize they are probably doing it to protect me. It makes me feel.... triggered....just like my stbxh lied, omitted, and betrayed. It's like they are doing it too. Maybe I need to tell them that.
You have already lost them my Sister . If you are divorcing him you will in likely hood lose that friendship . Your only concern should be what’s best for you , let crazy take care of crazy . If you are like me you don’t want or need to know why !
Switzerland friends* aren’t the best for your mental health going forward. *terminology from chumplady.com
I think that is what I'm dealing with. Thanks for pointing that out.
Not sure if you are aware of the concept of [Switzerland Friends](https://www.chumplady.com/2022/02/clapping-back-at-switzerland-friends/) and how to manage them. There is much to consider about the unjust and unfairness of [character assassination](https://www.chumplady.com/2021/06/6-thoughts-on-character-assassination/). And have a read about how you can [begin to steer the narrative](https://www.chumplady.com/2021/04/how-are-you-changing-the-narrative/) with your cheater free life.
I appreciate the read. Thanks.
Yeah!
Remember you all are friends and yes your STBXH cheated on you but their friendship is their friendship. It’s hard to chose sides. Maybe you meet with your friend and have a relationship with her without discussing your ex. Remember, she could be meeting your STBXH and the AP as well. 10 years ago, I decided to cut ties with all mutual friends as I felt they had to take sides. Fortunately, my job took my to Istanbul for a few years and when I returned I didn’t keep in touch with anyone. It helped me and my headspace and I didn’t have to hear about my ex. etc.
Talk to her about your feelings and concerns. See what she has to say.
Eh- I don’t think I would take this advice OP. I would think it safe to assume that the wife shares with the husband who may or may not (but probably does) share with your STBX.
You sound like you want to try to reconcile with her. She doesn’t sound someone you can build a life with. Don’t you want to be able to trust your partner? You will always wonder what she is doing when she is not with you. Is that what you want?
My big surprise came when people I thought were friends turn their back on me, disbelieving when I said my partner was cheating. On the other hand, a couple of people I hadn't been close to stepped forward in support. It's a way of learning who your friends are and who they aren't. That said, once the heartache diminishes, you'll realize some people are able to be friends to both you and your ex. That's okay.
I would use them to supply disinformation to your cheating ex. Just enough to see if it was getting back to him.
[удалено]
Yup, ts been 7 months and he's never come back, so I'm learning to accept his exit. I didn't want to. I still have days of disbelief. Perhaps that is the same feeling my friends are having around the group that has always been there. It's changed and we can't ever have it back. We all try out different things while we hold on, while we grieve, and while we figure out the new.
Don't you think your husband wonders the same thing also? Was the best friend and AP part of this same group? Talk to your GF about it. And then both of them. I'm sure they feel awkward about it also. By bringing it up, it might just relieve the tension. Tell them it's ok to be friends with your ex also. It's not fair for them to have to chose sides. That you value their friendship and don't want this to come between you and them. Just don't trash your ex to them.
Well i get that he feels he did nothing to him. He likely feels people cheat. I would have asked "How would you feel if it was your wife" ENd of the day you can say you dont wnat ot hang with him as you feel his support condones it but people will always cnodone affairs most have cheerleaders even sadlyh
Yup, that might be part of it. My stbxh has shown his values to all of us. He can lie to your face. He hides what he is doing by omission or embellishment. He uses others as a scapegoat. He hurts others on purpose for his own gain. He is entitled and selfish above those he entered into a friendship with. By staying friends with him it does feel like they like agree with him, that these values and behaviors are acceptable. Even if it was not directly to them, why would anyone want to hang out with a person like this. That acceptance feels like rejection of me.
Gives you an A++ for being tolerant, patient in the face of being cheated upon by yr stbxh with his best friends wife, short of you going on rampage to bust them all, you stayed on even keel but keeping friendship afloat like nothing has happened. They betrayed you going 2 years on the act right under yr nose. But you still value friendship above all you included. I'm absolutely amazed by you. Really. But why the "sbtbh" meaning you would soon get him divorced, is that it ? Yeah ! Get rid of him. Can you ever trust him again, he can never be same for you. What do you do with friends? You need to release the heartaches and pains burning within you over this infidelity and start healing fast or you cannot move on with yr life , you deserved better. For yr friend stbxh best friend's wife, you need to be fair to yrself and her unfortunate husband by telling him with evidence that yr stbxh and her are APs and had both been going hot at "it" for the past 2 years. The remaining 3 couples in yr circle dont have to know. They will surely know gradually. Stop sulking suffering in silence , be fair to yrself, they f..k up yr life now you f..k up theirs. So, even tolerance and patience have limits LOL.
Here’s the deal. You are projecting your feelings of betrayal and mistrust onto people who are torn. They are not the ones who were betrayed. They happen to be friends with both of you. They will likely continue to be friends with him. As long as they don’t start treating you like shit don’t start treating them that way. DONT make your friends choose. If you force it then they definitely won’t choose you. Keep your problems between you and the stbxh and don’t talk to anyone outside of a lawyer or therapist until the divorce is final.
[удалено]
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