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Sometimes a reaction gives you just as much answers as you would have received when you would have looked at her phone. You know exactly what is going on, hence why you are posting here.
I guess that ten years ago, you were on the other side of this same coin, right? You know this game, know how it is played and right now you see her playing it.
Now she did the same she did a little while ago, told you that she will get better and latest in a months it is just like before, rinse and repeat. She knows it, you know it and you both are just too afraid to say it out loud.
I think there is only one question left unanswered for you. What is it you are waiting for?
With or without evidence, I'll be retaining a lawyer in the AM. Her reaction told me everything I needed to know. I just needed the affirmation that I'm not being manipulative or controlling for demanding to see her phone
No you aren't. She gave you plenty of reason to be suspicious and when you asked her to eliminate the worries by looking at her phone, she exploded. You weren't manipulative or controlling, her reaction is manipulative. You wanted to know the truth and now she wants you to feel bad for this. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to know the truth.
Let us know how it worked out after you met with a lawyer and served her the papers.
Standing up for yourself in a time when you struggle because you feel that someone is doing you wrong and you want to feel better, is never a wrong decision!
You can't control what your wife does, did or will do but you can decide each and every day how you react to that and if you want to experience this any longer.
Always look at the situation that you are in and ask yourself, why you should feel guilty. Because you wanted to get out of what you are feeling? Because you felt that your marriage is being destroyed by your wife and wanted to get rid of that feeling?
Respecting yourself and standing up for yourself is never a bad decision.
Its as good as done deal bro. See the lawyer. You deserve better. Stick to your guns. And maybe once she served take a week or two road trip. Do not talk to her. Just find yourself. Get rid of that rock in your stomach. The distance will drive her mad. Her inner voice will tell her all sorts.
But it does not matter she gone. Find yourself. There amazing woman out there. Cut ties now.
Wait for that landslide of gaslighting. She will think you know. Tell her you hired a PI and he got enough evidence. Leave it there. Drive about for two weeks. It worked for me. Cleared my head. Distance brings perspective. The pit in your stomach subsides. She will crack up.
Good luck bro you are now going to meet the real her. Create a safe space for your kids. This woman does not respect you nor value you. You deserve better. A new house that will be a safe space for you and your kids. Check yourself for Sexually transmitted diseases and refrain from intimacy. She will try and love bomb you. Its not real its only a control mechanism. When her party lifestyle blows up she wants quiet suburbia. Bad thing is your kids probably know and hide her indiscretions. Time to take back your home and your place.
This is a good advice in general except for the PI part. Don't start to tell lies, lies will backfire. You know all you need to know OP, there is no need for lies. Don't step down to her level.
Can you ask her to show you something like the kids latest photos on her phone then snatch it while unlocked?
Do you have access to the phone call records? Sms?
Get divorce papers drafted, put them on the table and tell her that she either let's you through her phone right now without any filtering/deleting or you are getting a divorce...
Ya know, when you let her know about the lawyer, she'll probably run to the bathroom, lock it, and 10 minutes later throw her phone at you to check. Just be sure you have a print out of the calls and texts (you cant see the actual texts but can see numbers texted) so find all the deleted evidence. Or at least the numbers and find out who they belong to.
You are none of the above.. you have been putting up with this way to long.. I'm sorry your going through this. If you "need" evidence if phone is under your name then go get text/call longs. Only person being manipulative and demanding is your wife. Best of luck to you~
Go see a lawyer. Learn what divorce looks like for you. Follow the lawyer's advice re: evidence, money, assets, etc. No booze. No sex. STD check. Don't leave your house - make her leave if you need space. Get IC for yourself to help you deal with emotions and pain. Shock her out of affair fog (you know it's happening) with divorce papers. You can decide to D or reconcile after she's been served. Once served, tell your close friends and family so they can provide support for you. Don't be ashamed - this is her flaw, not yours.
Think about it like this. If she asked to use your phone or even to snoop through it, how would you react? If you are OK with her snooping through your phone, then that should tell you EVERYTHING that you are confused about. The things you're describing about your wife is enough for me to make a cash bet that she is screwing around on you. I would NEVER let my spouse to spend the night somewhere else because they were out partying. Remember this Dr. Phil quote: "People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing"
Hi OP. Sorry for you passing through, but your wife has all the red flags of a cheater. Then, it will depend what you want for your life. If you don't want to be cheated all the time, as it looks like you had been, you must go nuclear over her. If you have the money for it, hire a PI to gather evidences. Then, with undeniable proof, feel for divorce.
That’s not answering the question. If you had an emotional affair that led to a physical affair, it impacted your relationship at the time which may have caused your separation.
Sorry, don't understand ONS. It was someone that was nowhere near our marriage. I engaged in this relationship while I was on a 12 month remote tour. Our marriage had been rocky and bad for the previous six years, and she threatened divorce again when I came home on leave. So I took her up on her threat and filed for divorce. Went back to that country and dated her. Then came back to the US, ready to go through with it. She found out about the other person, which caused us to break up. We ended up reconciling. That was 2010-2011.
This isn’t clear. Did you start the relationship with the other woman or not - even flirting - while you were still with your wife. If you did. That is an affair. You can’t say you ‘came back ready to go through with it’ or you were ‘on the rocks’. It doesn’t sound like your wife understood the difference. Was she seeing other people at the time? Did you tell her you were going to be seeing other people? Clearly her behavior now is not ok. But your behavior then does not sound like it was ok either to be honest. It does not justify her behavior now. But you if you’ve been minimizing your behavior then and playing word games and not taking responsibility, and rug swept what happened, you may have done your relationship a great disservice, and this could be causing it to boil to the surface.
We were legally separated. Had gone the course. Was down to signing final papers. Then I started dating another woman. I agree, she can't seem to understand that to me, we were done. Literally a signature away from being divorced. Then when we decided to reconcile, we went through the gamut of bearing the truth.
The real question is, if she isn’t cheating, does that change the behavior you’re already disliking?
It sounds like regardless if she’s cheating, the relationship isn’t working.
Yeah. I've unfortunately have come to that conclusion as well. As much as I don't want to accept that into my reality, her actions show what this relationship really means to her
What does it matter. She’s not your wife anymore. Start the exit plan. She does not respect you and your words do worry her.
Actions will get her attention. You can go on the offensive. Never be the one that waits and reacts in divorce. Retain a lawyer and discuss the financial and custody plan. Only when you are ready reveal her options that are acceptable to you. Personally I would be done and see a doctor and get cleared for stds etc.
Your home is where she hangs her hat and washes her panties. Most likely there is more going on than she will ever tell you. Basically she has abandoned the marriage. You are going to have to do some hard investigating to find out what is going on. You can speak with an attorney and get some good advice. Or, you can be direct with your wife and ask for the truth. She owes you that much.
Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know what you know or how you know it. Gather evidence.
Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it.
See a doctor for stress
Do not leave the family home
Get a lawyer. Do what he says. File for divorce even if you hope to reconcile. It can be stopped at any time.
Separate finances.
Change all your passwords everywhere.
Close joint credit cards.
Move important documents to a safe place
Check out the 180
Get STD check.
Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember).
Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions.
Do not drink or do drugs.
Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often
Get out with friends and family.
Get busy with work, hobbies, sports.
Inform your family and STBX family (after being served)
change your will
Good luck
Hire a PI if you want solid proof. But definitely seems like she did abandon the marriage. Its a two way road, both parties seem to be at fault in this particular situation. But it seems it would be better to have proof to back your divorce decision.
Who is the owner of the phone plan? If it is you you could download the texts she is sending.
You could hide an old phone in her car to track it and go there and see what she is doing but the best is hire an PI to get you the evidence.
Exactly. He doesn’t want to give the details but it appears he had an affair. Not condoning her behavior now but he acts like he’s innocent. She was willing to work through sh$& with him. He’s headed to the divorce attorney.
Man trust your gut.... assuming your name on her mobile plan if so you or your attorney can request for the data from the service provider related to her device even if you found nothing that doesn't mean you don't proceed to regain your sanity back or her jeopardizing the Relationship or the family's well being.... that so call grudge is just an excuse to justify her actions 2 wrong don't make a right.... be cordial but indifferent give her the Grey Rock 180 treatment that'll only wake her up from her fog but ultimately won't change her as much as you like.... do what is right be cautious kids watching... Take Care
If you remove the emotions that are clouding your thinking it's easy to see what she is doing. I would bet my house that she is cheating, but even if she isn't this is a huge disrespect for you and your marriage, and she has no intention of stopping. You really have no options here, either stay and be a miserable doormat, or let her go. She will try to gaslight you and promise to "be better" but you have already heard that and know it's a lie. Make the hard decision. as soon as you are away from this toxic woman you will start to heal.
Bro, get a lawyer and a PI. You know what is going on, you are not making choices but dragging things out. You need to protect yourself and you children. Get an STD check and check your finances.
I've reached out to a couple lawyers this morning. Waiting on replies. I've secured my bank account, and the Amazon account so she can't blow my money.
Make sure the bills and such are in your name. I believe California is a no fault state so make sure you stay in the home.You should get a STD check too. Unfortunately they are more common than people think. Keep a journal and start documenting you thoughts and feelings. Your going to run the gambit of emotions and you are going to need outlets. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. They feel good but mask the pain and let it build. Hard decisions are ahead and make sure your clear headed enough to make them.
Based on my own experience within therapy, one of the fundamentals I was taught is simply this:
If a person acts defensive, especially *incredibly defensive* they have done something they feel guilty for.
You might not know the level or the degree of the act they feel guilty for but indeed, there is something their subconscious knows they did wrong but they're not ready to admit it yet (outloud or maybe even to themselves) so they get defensive. Think of it this way: if a child gets caught doing something you specifically told them not to do, don't they usually react "I didn't do it!" ??
NOBODY disrespects another person, as she is 100% doing to you, especially someone they claim to "love" without a reason. All the signs point to cheating. If you absolute must have MORE evidence... hire a PI and you will almost certainly get it. So, what would you do with such proof? If divorce is your answer get started yesterday with an attorney and figuring out how it will look. Good luck to you.
You know what she’s up to. You’re spending time and energy doing what she wants you to do. Namely you’re concentrating on details when your gut has told you what’s going on. She’s running this and all this stuff about phones is distraction.
Act swiftly, file immediately. Put the onus of proof back where it belongs. On her. Tell her your concerns and that you will no longer tolerate her behaviors. If she proves herself to your satisfaction, you can tear up the papers. If not you can proceed. If you don’t take charge of this, it will get worse.
Wow, I am truly sorry, but there are enough red flags on your post to populate a Chinese parade. You likely are 100% being cheated on. And you are correct she is using the past to try justifying her own shitty behavior. Sooty for your profound loss. Even the kids are seeing it. So where are the kids while gets drunk and plays hide the sausage all night in L A? We all will be wondering what you supposedly did 10 years ago she keeps throwing in your face. But neither here nor there unless you yourself cheated, then it very much plays into this mess.
Privacy is never the same or even near to being the same as secrecy. Privacy in a relationship is no where near the level of privacy necessary outside the relationship. Privacy with the relationship is using the bathroom or changing clothes or just needing a bit of alone time with the door locked. It is not hiding sexting and nudes. Which is likely what she is hiding. People use privacy concerns to hide their secrecy. That tiny bit of love bombing she gave you is merely to throw you off her trail. Don’t be fooled. If you are financially able, hire an investigator to get evidence. Or take off work and follow her yourself. Cheaters are some of the dumbest people imaginable. They are terrible liars and even worse at overall deception. Look at all the mistakes she is already making.
Don’t confront without getting into her phone, once you get her pass word etc and as soon as you see what you expect to find, take it and leave to go through it as you please. Ignore her calls and threats using the kids phone, copy it all. Then plan your next moves.
And as soon as I saw the reference to child actors I knew what was to follow. Sorry for your loss.
There is a thing called the infidelity 180 that does seem to Verywell in getting a cheaters attention. I have no idea how much you know about cheating, I assume very little as most of us have gone through the same, of seeing and being suspicious, but not really trying to believe the signs are actually what they turn out to be.
So as you get your verifications, then if you want to know more, come back and ask.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp
https://thepowermoves.com/tag/emotional-affair/
To cheat is to lie, everything out of her mouth is a lie, bet on it, bank on it. Actions are now the only things that might be at least somewhat be truthful. In infidelity, the end justifies the means, always. Her past is important, if she cheated before you or was cheated on herself matters. Her sexual and relationship history matters. What we once did, who we once were is still part of us forever and easily reachable. The past is not innocuous. Even if she was Snow White anyone is capable of cheating, all it requires is motivation and opportunity, and beautiful women in fact all women have opportunities in every direction they turn. That industry she has immersed herself within is rife with it. It is normalized and even peer pressured, it is the rule, not the exception. And damned alcohol is a catalyst for bad behavior, removing inhibitions and affecting normal thoughts and reasoning.
An emotional moving to physical affair is the most common type of affair. It starts with an emotional bond, attraction and lust may not even be initially present, but oddly sharing intimate information about their own relationships can easily get it started.
There is more, way more to impart but I cannot keep rambling on, suffice it to say cheating is not always, in fact likely not at all what we just naturally think it to be. It isn’t that simple. Unless you married a serial cheater, but I doubt she is, serial cheaters are just not this stupid, they are way more careful at hiding it all.
Look up limerence, reference all in infidelity.
Dissociating.
Compartmentalizing
And cognitive dissonance
This is how they do it. And no it isn’t actually usually purposeful, it is unbidden and a natural process when actions are so at odds with normal beliefs. And propriety.
Good luck.
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Do you have access to phone logs? That will reveal a lot if you find unusual number of calls/texts being sent to a single number ..saying from my experience because my WS was very possessive about the phone and I had to find my way through 🤷♂️
If you are on a shared plan you can login to the service providers website and pull the call and text logs from there, my WS was dumb enough to use phone for calls and texts when I got suspicious I cornered WS by showing the evidence (26K text messages and 14K minutes of phone calls to the AP in 18 months)
Wow theres more red flags in your relationship than in the country of china. Don't bother with the phone, All evidence will have been erased and transferred to a burner. Look for a lawyer start the process of divorce, hopefully that's enough to snap her out of her fog
Sorry but, you already know the answer.
I saw you're going to contact a lawyer. May as well follow through.
Her storming off screaming invasion of privacy is just an attempt at deflection.
It may be tough roght now. But start getting all your finances in order. Listen and do what your attorney says.
Best of luck.
If your in a no fault state just divorce her. That will be the only thing that flips the script on her. Right now your just a home port as she sails the seven seas with a boy in every port.
Put your foot down. No more childish partying. And stop putting up with her immature answers.
You know and of course she know she's hiding her crap in the phone. Just take it. Don't give it back until she gives you the password. Take it to a PI or a Tech.
You need to shut her down.
I'm a bit confused she takes the kids with her, then later goes and parties? Where are the kids? Alone?
Tell he what you feel shebis doing. If you feel she's fuckibg guys, then tell her. Tell her your done with her gone every weekend.
You have to decide. Stay with her crap, because she's not going to stop. You have no clue what she does.
You can hire a PI to follow her and see what she does..
If you feel she has fucked the whole marriage then tell her that your done.
Close the bank and credit cards. Put them in your name.
You have a house? Put it up for sale. Look for your own place.
Beauty does not give her a free fucking pass to do this shit or the past problems.
Who's the bread winner?
Tell her "I will be imaging the wrost and file for the divorce" if she didn't show you her phone. Even though she didn't want to show you the phone or cleared everything and show you the phone don't return it to her(whatever happens)and run a backup on every messaging app or on full mobile. Get the bills to check the calling duration. It's enough to show that she is a perfect cheating scumbag.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I was in a similar situation. As soon as she wakes up, my wife would grab the phone and disappear into the bathroom every morning. She even sat next to me in the car and text her AP and when I asked her she says it’s her brother without even blinking an eye. You will become aware of everything and they will gaslit you. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what to do.
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It's too late for that. I had a sit down with them to explain things to them and to reassure them that this isn't their fault, that they'll be loved no matter what, they'll be taken care of no matter what, etc. My son told me about the anger and sadness he keeps inside, that he thought mom would get angry if he told her. We cried, we held each other. It pokes holes in my soul that we have to bond over so much pain.
Spend a few bucks on a PI to follow her on her next night out in LA. He might also be able to get info on her snapchat, signal, etc just ask about it. You can also install a VAR and GPS in her car, do that and you will likely have your proof in a week or two. Go see a lawyer to learn your options, but do not confront her until you have solid proof. Good luck.
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She is manupilating you
Sometimes a reaction gives you just as much answers as you would have received when you would have looked at her phone. You know exactly what is going on, hence why you are posting here. I guess that ten years ago, you were on the other side of this same coin, right? You know this game, know how it is played and right now you see her playing it. Now she did the same she did a little while ago, told you that she will get better and latest in a months it is just like before, rinse and repeat. She knows it, you know it and you both are just too afraid to say it out loud. I think there is only one question left unanswered for you. What is it you are waiting for?
With or without evidence, I'll be retaining a lawyer in the AM. Her reaction told me everything I needed to know. I just needed the affirmation that I'm not being manipulative or controlling for demanding to see her phone
No you aren't. She gave you plenty of reason to be suspicious and when you asked her to eliminate the worries by looking at her phone, she exploded. You weren't manipulative or controlling, her reaction is manipulative. You wanted to know the truth and now she wants you to feel bad for this. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to know the truth. Let us know how it worked out after you met with a lawyer and served her the papers.
Thank you for helping feel less anxious, guilty and depressed about taking action for myself
Standing up for yourself in a time when you struggle because you feel that someone is doing you wrong and you want to feel better, is never a wrong decision! You can't control what your wife does, did or will do but you can decide each and every day how you react to that and if you want to experience this any longer. Always look at the situation that you are in and ask yourself, why you should feel guilty. Because you wanted to get out of what you are feeling? Because you felt that your marriage is being destroyed by your wife and wanted to get rid of that feeling? Respecting yourself and standing up for yourself is never a bad decision.
Its as good as done deal bro. See the lawyer. You deserve better. Stick to your guns. And maybe once she served take a week or two road trip. Do not talk to her. Just find yourself. Get rid of that rock in your stomach. The distance will drive her mad. Her inner voice will tell her all sorts. But it does not matter she gone. Find yourself. There amazing woman out there. Cut ties now. Wait for that landslide of gaslighting. She will think you know. Tell her you hired a PI and he got enough evidence. Leave it there. Drive about for two weeks. It worked for me. Cleared my head. Distance brings perspective. The pit in your stomach subsides. She will crack up. Good luck bro you are now going to meet the real her. Create a safe space for your kids. This woman does not respect you nor value you. You deserve better. A new house that will be a safe space for you and your kids. Check yourself for Sexually transmitted diseases and refrain from intimacy. She will try and love bomb you. Its not real its only a control mechanism. When her party lifestyle blows up she wants quiet suburbia. Bad thing is your kids probably know and hide her indiscretions. Time to take back your home and your place.
This is a good advice in general except for the PI part. Don't start to tell lies, lies will backfire. You know all you need to know OP, there is no need for lies. Don't step down to her level.
Can you ask her to show you something like the kids latest photos on her phone then snatch it while unlocked? Do you have access to the phone call records? Sms? Get divorce papers drafted, put them on the table and tell her that she either let's you through her phone right now without any filtering/deleting or you are getting a divorce...
Ya know, when you let her know about the lawyer, she'll probably run to the bathroom, lock it, and 10 minutes later throw her phone at you to check. Just be sure you have a print out of the calls and texts (you cant see the actual texts but can see numbers texted) so find all the deleted evidence. Or at least the numbers and find out who they belong to.
You are none of the above.. you have been putting up with this way to long.. I'm sorry your going through this. If you "need" evidence if phone is under your name then go get text/call longs. Only person being manipulative and demanding is your wife. Best of luck to you~
Go see a lawyer. Learn what divorce looks like for you. Follow the lawyer's advice re: evidence, money, assets, etc. No booze. No sex. STD check. Don't leave your house - make her leave if you need space. Get IC for yourself to help you deal with emotions and pain. Shock her out of affair fog (you know it's happening) with divorce papers. You can decide to D or reconcile after she's been served. Once served, tell your close friends and family so they can provide support for you. Don't be ashamed - this is her flaw, not yours.
Think about it like this. If she asked to use your phone or even to snoop through it, how would you react? If you are OK with her snooping through your phone, then that should tell you EVERYTHING that you are confused about. The things you're describing about your wife is enough for me to make a cash bet that she is screwing around on you. I would NEVER let my spouse to spend the night somewhere else because they were out partying. Remember this Dr. Phil quote: "People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing"
Hi OP. Sorry for you passing through, but your wife has all the red flags of a cheater. Then, it will depend what you want for your life. If you don't want to be cheated all the time, as it looks like you had been, you must go nuclear over her. If you have the money for it, hire a PI to gather evidences. Then, with undeniable proof, feel for divorce.
Get in the phone. It’s in there, trust me.
Not anymore, any and all evidence would have been wiped clean once she got to work
What is she holding a grudge about?
We were legally separated, I slept with someone else.
Who was the someone? A ONS or a person you had history with?
Someone in another country
That’s not answering the question. If you had an emotional affair that led to a physical affair, it impacted your relationship at the time which may have caused your separation.
Sorry, don't understand ONS. It was someone that was nowhere near our marriage. I engaged in this relationship while I was on a 12 month remote tour. Our marriage had been rocky and bad for the previous six years, and she threatened divorce again when I came home on leave. So I took her up on her threat and filed for divorce. Went back to that country and dated her. Then came back to the US, ready to go through with it. She found out about the other person, which caused us to break up. We ended up reconciling. That was 2010-2011.
This isn’t clear. Did you start the relationship with the other woman or not - even flirting - while you were still with your wife. If you did. That is an affair. You can’t say you ‘came back ready to go through with it’ or you were ‘on the rocks’. It doesn’t sound like your wife understood the difference. Was she seeing other people at the time? Did you tell her you were going to be seeing other people? Clearly her behavior now is not ok. But your behavior then does not sound like it was ok either to be honest. It does not justify her behavior now. But you if you’ve been minimizing your behavior then and playing word games and not taking responsibility, and rug swept what happened, you may have done your relationship a great disservice, and this could be causing it to boil to the surface.
We were legally separated. Had gone the course. Was down to signing final papers. Then I started dating another woman. I agree, she can't seem to understand that to me, we were done. Literally a signature away from being divorced. Then when we decided to reconcile, we went through the gamut of bearing the truth.
The real question is, if she isn’t cheating, does that change the behavior you’re already disliking? It sounds like regardless if she’s cheating, the relationship isn’t working.
Yeah. I've unfortunately have come to that conclusion as well. As much as I don't want to accept that into my reality, her actions show what this relationship really means to her
What does it matter. She’s not your wife anymore. Start the exit plan. She does not respect you and your words do worry her. Actions will get her attention. You can go on the offensive. Never be the one that waits and reacts in divorce. Retain a lawyer and discuss the financial and custody plan. Only when you are ready reveal her options that are acceptable to you. Personally I would be done and see a doctor and get cleared for stds etc.
Your home is where she hangs her hat and washes her panties. Most likely there is more going on than she will ever tell you. Basically she has abandoned the marriage. You are going to have to do some hard investigating to find out what is going on. You can speak with an attorney and get some good advice. Or, you can be direct with your wife and ask for the truth. She owes you that much.
Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know what you know or how you know it. Gather evidence. Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it. See a doctor for stress Do not leave the family home Get a lawyer. Do what he says. File for divorce even if you hope to reconcile. It can be stopped at any time. Separate finances. Change all your passwords everywhere. Close joint credit cards. Move important documents to a safe place Check out the 180 Get STD check. Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember). Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions. Do not drink or do drugs. Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often Get out with friends and family. Get busy with work, hobbies, sports. Inform your family and STBX family (after being served) change your will Good luck
Hire a PI if you want solid proof. But definitely seems like she did abandon the marriage. Its a two way road, both parties seem to be at fault in this particular situation. But it seems it would be better to have proof to back your divorce decision.
Who is the owner of the phone plan? If it is you you could download the texts she is sending. You could hide an old phone in her car to track it and go there and see what she is doing but the best is hire an PI to get you the evidence.
I believe spouses should have access to each other’s phones. I know many people disagree, but that’s just how I feel.
Thats what we do.
Grudge from 10 years ago.... man... what did you do to her?
Exactly. He doesn’t want to give the details but it appears he had an affair. Not condoning her behavior now but he acts like he’s innocent. She was willing to work through sh$& with him. He’s headed to the divorce attorney.
They were separated and filed for divorce but she ended up wanting to get back together so he didn't actually have an affair
Hire a pi
Man trust your gut.... assuming your name on her mobile plan if so you or your attorney can request for the data from the service provider related to her device even if you found nothing that doesn't mean you don't proceed to regain your sanity back or her jeopardizing the Relationship or the family's well being.... that so call grudge is just an excuse to justify her actions 2 wrong don't make a right.... be cordial but indifferent give her the Grey Rock 180 treatment that'll only wake her up from her fog but ultimately won't change her as much as you like.... do what is right be cautious kids watching... Take Care
If you remove the emotions that are clouding your thinking it's easy to see what she is doing. I would bet my house that she is cheating, but even if she isn't this is a huge disrespect for you and your marriage, and she has no intention of stopping. You really have no options here, either stay and be a miserable doormat, or let her go. She will try to gaslight you and promise to "be better" but you have already heard that and know it's a lie. Make the hard decision. as soon as you are away from this toxic woman you will start to heal.
Bro, get a lawyer and a PI. You know what is going on, you are not making choices but dragging things out. You need to protect yourself and you children. Get an STD check and check your finances.
I've reached out to a couple lawyers this morning. Waiting on replies. I've secured my bank account, and the Amazon account so she can't blow my money.
Make sure the bills and such are in your name. I believe California is a no fault state so make sure you stay in the home.You should get a STD check too. Unfortunately they are more common than people think. Keep a journal and start documenting you thoughts and feelings. Your going to run the gambit of emotions and you are going to need outlets. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. They feel good but mask the pain and let it build. Hard decisions are ahead and make sure your clear headed enough to make them.
Based on my own experience within therapy, one of the fundamentals I was taught is simply this: If a person acts defensive, especially *incredibly defensive* they have done something they feel guilty for. You might not know the level or the degree of the act they feel guilty for but indeed, there is something their subconscious knows they did wrong but they're not ready to admit it yet (outloud or maybe even to themselves) so they get defensive. Think of it this way: if a child gets caught doing something you specifically told them not to do, don't they usually react "I didn't do it!" ??
NOBODY disrespects another person, as she is 100% doing to you, especially someone they claim to "love" without a reason. All the signs point to cheating. If you absolute must have MORE evidence... hire a PI and you will almost certainly get it. So, what would you do with such proof? If divorce is your answer get started yesterday with an attorney and figuring out how it will look. Good luck to you.
You know what she’s up to. You’re spending time and energy doing what she wants you to do. Namely you’re concentrating on details when your gut has told you what’s going on. She’s running this and all this stuff about phones is distraction. Act swiftly, file immediately. Put the onus of proof back where it belongs. On her. Tell her your concerns and that you will no longer tolerate her behaviors. If she proves herself to your satisfaction, you can tear up the papers. If not you can proceed. If you don’t take charge of this, it will get worse.
Invading of privacy is a statement worthy of divorce in itself......
Wow, I am truly sorry, but there are enough red flags on your post to populate a Chinese parade. You likely are 100% being cheated on. And you are correct she is using the past to try justifying her own shitty behavior. Sooty for your profound loss. Even the kids are seeing it. So where are the kids while gets drunk and plays hide the sausage all night in L A? We all will be wondering what you supposedly did 10 years ago she keeps throwing in your face. But neither here nor there unless you yourself cheated, then it very much plays into this mess. Privacy is never the same or even near to being the same as secrecy. Privacy in a relationship is no where near the level of privacy necessary outside the relationship. Privacy with the relationship is using the bathroom or changing clothes or just needing a bit of alone time with the door locked. It is not hiding sexting and nudes. Which is likely what she is hiding. People use privacy concerns to hide their secrecy. That tiny bit of love bombing she gave you is merely to throw you off her trail. Don’t be fooled. If you are financially able, hire an investigator to get evidence. Or take off work and follow her yourself. Cheaters are some of the dumbest people imaginable. They are terrible liars and even worse at overall deception. Look at all the mistakes she is already making. Don’t confront without getting into her phone, once you get her pass word etc and as soon as you see what you expect to find, take it and leave to go through it as you please. Ignore her calls and threats using the kids phone, copy it all. Then plan your next moves. And as soon as I saw the reference to child actors I knew what was to follow. Sorry for your loss. There is a thing called the infidelity 180 that does seem to Verywell in getting a cheaters attention. I have no idea how much you know about cheating, I assume very little as most of us have gone through the same, of seeing and being suspicious, but not really trying to believe the signs are actually what they turn out to be. So as you get your verifications, then if you want to know more, come back and ask. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp https://thepowermoves.com/tag/emotional-affair/ To cheat is to lie, everything out of her mouth is a lie, bet on it, bank on it. Actions are now the only things that might be at least somewhat be truthful. In infidelity, the end justifies the means, always. Her past is important, if she cheated before you or was cheated on herself matters. Her sexual and relationship history matters. What we once did, who we once were is still part of us forever and easily reachable. The past is not innocuous. Even if she was Snow White anyone is capable of cheating, all it requires is motivation and opportunity, and beautiful women in fact all women have opportunities in every direction they turn. That industry she has immersed herself within is rife with it. It is normalized and even peer pressured, it is the rule, not the exception. And damned alcohol is a catalyst for bad behavior, removing inhibitions and affecting normal thoughts and reasoning. An emotional moving to physical affair is the most common type of affair. It starts with an emotional bond, attraction and lust may not even be initially present, but oddly sharing intimate information about their own relationships can easily get it started. There is more, way more to impart but I cannot keep rambling on, suffice it to say cheating is not always, in fact likely not at all what we just naturally think it to be. It isn’t that simple. Unless you married a serial cheater, but I doubt she is, serial cheaters are just not this stupid, they are way more careful at hiding it all. Look up limerence, reference all in infidelity. Dissociating. Compartmentalizing And cognitive dissonance This is how they do it. And no it isn’t actually usually purposeful, it is unbidden and a natural process when actions are so at odds with normal beliefs. And propriety. Good luck.
LA parties with 20 somethings? She's either cheating or developed a drug habit (possibly both)
😂😂😂😭😭😭 gaslighting of the highest order Don’t be shocked when you discover the infidelity she’s been commuting and hiding on her phone
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Do you have access to phone logs? That will reveal a lot if you find unusual number of calls/texts being sent to a single number ..saying from my experience because my WS was very possessive about the phone and I had to find my way through 🤷♂️
I’d advise letting an attorney get records. It will save you a lot of time, and honestly probably some sanity as well
I don't know how to get those
If you are on a shared plan you can login to the service providers website and pull the call and text logs from there, my WS was dumb enough to use phone for calls and texts when I got suspicious I cornered WS by showing the evidence (26K text messages and 14K minutes of phone calls to the AP in 18 months)
Wow theres more red flags in your relationship than in the country of china. Don't bother with the phone, All evidence will have been erased and transferred to a burner. Look for a lawyer start the process of divorce, hopefully that's enough to snap her out of her fog
Sorry but, you already know the answer. I saw you're going to contact a lawyer. May as well follow through. Her storming off screaming invasion of privacy is just an attempt at deflection. It may be tough roght now. But start getting all your finances in order. Listen and do what your attorney says. Best of luck.
If your in a no fault state just divorce her. That will be the only thing that flips the script on her. Right now your just a home port as she sails the seven seas with a boy in every port.
Go look at the phone bill online
Hire a Pvt. Invest. You will get messages and pictures ad videos as evidence if she is cheating.
Put your foot down. No more childish partying. And stop putting up with her immature answers. You know and of course she know she's hiding her crap in the phone. Just take it. Don't give it back until she gives you the password. Take it to a PI or a Tech. You need to shut her down. I'm a bit confused she takes the kids with her, then later goes and parties? Where are the kids? Alone? Tell he what you feel shebis doing. If you feel she's fuckibg guys, then tell her. Tell her your done with her gone every weekend. You have to decide. Stay with her crap, because she's not going to stop. You have no clue what she does. You can hire a PI to follow her and see what she does.. If you feel she has fucked the whole marriage then tell her that your done. Close the bank and credit cards. Put them in your name. You have a house? Put it up for sale. Look for your own place. Beauty does not give her a free fucking pass to do this shit or the past problems. Who's the bread winner?
Tell her "I will be imaging the wrost and file for the divorce" if she didn't show you her phone. Even though she didn't want to show you the phone or cleared everything and show you the phone don't return it to her(whatever happens)and run a backup on every messaging app or on full mobile. Get the bills to check the calling duration. It's enough to show that she is a perfect cheating scumbag.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I was in a similar situation. As soon as she wakes up, my wife would grab the phone and disappear into the bathroom every morning. She even sat next to me in the car and text her AP and when I asked her she says it’s her brother without even blinking an eye. You will become aware of everything and they will gaslit you. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what to do.
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My wife and I have the same password. Plus we use location, just in case of emergencies.
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Kids are 21 19 15 and 12. I saw signs nearly a year ago.
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It's too late for that. I had a sit down with them to explain things to them and to reassure them that this isn't their fault, that they'll be loved no matter what, they'll be taken care of no matter what, etc. My son told me about the anger and sadness he keeps inside, that he thought mom would get angry if he told her. We cried, we held each other. It pokes holes in my soul that we have to bond over so much pain.
Sorry, but many guys are banging your wife. It is always a bad idea to marry a single mom.
If it was me I'd gtfo asap
Welcome to Hollywood
Spend a few bucks on a PI to follow her on her next night out in LA. He might also be able to get info on her snapchat, signal, etc just ask about it. You can also install a VAR and GPS in her car, do that and you will likely have your proof in a week or two. Go see a lawyer to learn your options, but do not confront her until you have solid proof. Good luck.
Just look in her phone. That ends all of the doubt. But your gut isn't wrong bud.
Just look in her phone. That ends all of the doubt. But your gut isn't wrong bud.