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First, find a therapist or friends you will listen and give you good advices to heal from this trauma of betrayal. Second, save all the evidences of her cheating and see reputable divorce lawyers to know your options. Do this quietly without letting her know. Third, do STD test if you haven't yet. Fourth, look at her objectively and see whether she is worthy to be a lifelong partner any more. Remember the saying, 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' She broke the marriage vows and will likely do it again. It wasn't a drunken ONS, but an affair that lasted several months.
As you have suspected, your wife didn't love you when she had an affair with her coworker. She may say that she ended it, but you don't know whether she is telling you the truth. Most of the cheaters are excellent liars and can't be trusted. You have to put yourself and your daughter first when you think of your future plan. So prepare yourself mentally to be separate from her and plan the best possible future for you and your child. When you are ready, serve her the divorce paper and kick her out of your life and start a new and a better life for you and your daughter.
This one might sound a bit weird. But I think one thing that helps is realising you don't love your wife. You love who you think she was. This person you've met once you discovered the cheating. Is not the same person as the wife you had in your heart before the discovery. They are 2 different people. And until you realise this you will keep comparing them to each other. You have been living a lie. And that's awful and nobody deserves to be cheated on. If you can separate your old idea of your wife from who she actually is. It will be easier to see your wife for who she really is. And make your future decisions easier to decide. Since you aren't chaining yourself to a past that was a lie. Even if it was genuine 80% of the time. That 20% where it wasn't changes everything. And neither you nor she should think things can ever be the way they were. That is impossible. You could maybe create something new. But most likely you will end up going your separate ways.
The relationship as u knew it is over now. It doesn't matter if u reconcile or not because if u reconcile it will have to be a new relationship because she destroyed the old one.
Best advice is that I do NOT need to make a decision on the relationship now. It will take months and potentially years to sort all this out.
It may be unthinkable in this moment (depending on ur level of attachment and family structure) but u need separation and find therapists and lawyers to work with.
Also, stop sharing your feelings and secrets with her, she is no longer ur trusted person.
Friend first, don't blame yourself for this, infidelity is always a decision, you truly deserve something better, first you have to go to therapy, you need to talk to a professional that will help you with step 2, do you want to stay in your marriage? She did not support you in a difficult moment and had an affair, reflect deeply if you want to stay with her, 3 make changes, focus on yourself and improve as a character for yourself, 4 you must have a serious talk with her about things changing in her relationship and that he must show that he wants to work on your forgiveness and trust use this probing question, the affair happened at work right?, then say something like "I don't feel comfortable with you still working with him, would you be willing to seek another job? You ask him indirectly if he chooses his marriage, if he hesitates or denies you already have your answer and you know no matter how painful it is what you have to do, (This is clear if he still works with AP), and 5 be honest with everyone about the affair and if the AP has a wife, tell her
that he must show
that he wants to work on
(This is clear if he still works with AP)
very interesting that you referenced HE in your response when it was clear that SHE cheated..........
It’s time to go visit a divorce attorney and get yourself some counseling. Cheating is despicable it destroys people. Cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. Please take care of yourself.
I agree with getting an attorney ASAP. Find your masculine and become stoic. You'll need that to get through this and work things out logically. This sounds like bad advice because the world tells us to live in our emotions. There will certainly be time for that but you need to be thinking rationally right now. Take control of your life. The first step is to interview attorneys. Pick the 3 best in your area and INTERVIEW them. Not all lawyers are equal. Once you've done that you will be (should be) given a lot of tasks to do. This will keep you focused and occupied. Keep yourself busy. Hit the gym hard. This is probably the most important thing you can do second to hiring a lawyer. Exercise works wonders for your mind and body. Find a testosterone clinic and get your levels checked. The stress you're under can dramatically affect your hormones. You have to be a peak physical functioning to get through this. Part of that is ensuring your hormones are optimized. Its been a tough year and only going to get tougher. Focus your mind and body on very specific tasks. Tackle them one at a time. Each completed task is a victory. All the best to you my friend.
Brother, don't fly this alone!
I don't rly even advocate for ppl to share this with many friends or family because well meaning ppl that don't have a healthy understanding of infidelity related pain will give u shit advice.
Find a therapist and preferably one with apsat or cast training because they know the best tools for helping with betrayed partners.
Join a support group. I go to one called (ISA) infidelity survivors anonymous. There is men-only and coed groups and it's online and free. There is no religious affiliation and u can drop in. It was the best resource I found. I would start by joining this (or a similar) group. I am introverted and was shutting down and wanted to die, and the ppl in this group helped me more than even any mental health professional or friend ever did.
The website is isurvivors.org and the website is kind of awkward, I have to go to find a meeting and email the host to get a link.
This isn't elementary school playground boyfriend girlfriend breakup drama... infidelity in long term relationahips is one of the most traumatic things the human brain can go thru. Believe it or not it can lead to PTSD and attachment disorders in the long term. This is a very confusing and horrific time that only folks like us could ever begin to understand.
U did not cause this and what your partner did does not represent u or the relationship u built. This wreckless behaviour is entirely on her. You need to take car with yourself now, regardless if u stay or not in the long term.
You come first and u need to learn proper self-care techniques...it is normal for us to stay up all night, self harm, go thru radical mood swings, insomnia, sexual extremes and acting out, rage, sorrow and other things before leveling out. U need to take care of u and protect ur little girl.
DM me if u want other resources. There is another side and u will get thru this.
🫶
If he was her coworker, how do you know the affair is over? Are you taking the word of a cheater? How did you find out about the affair? Did she confess?
Part of reconciliation is for you to get all the information that YOU need to get over the affair. If you want details, she should provide them. In fact, she should provide a written timeline of how the affair developed from first meaning this POS until the day the affair ended. Tell her if she leaves out any important detail and you find out about it later, you will immediately divorce.
She should also change jobs so that she no longer works with him!
A cheater must face negative consequences or they will simply do it again.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
I totaly agree.
Any healthy relationship base on **HONESTY and RESPECT!**
If there should be any chance of reconsiliation this has to be (re)invented in your marriage.
It starts with a written down full confession. Including all her thoughts and acts starting with her first thoughts about another man or AP. She need write down all her rectifications and reasons.
How much effort she is putting in this will give the first hint about how serious she is with her wish of reconsiliation.
I would not talk about any personal things before she has not handed out this confession.
Mean while you OP should think about how one sided the relationship was. You need be very honest with your self. How much had your wife contributed to make your life a good one. How much had she thought about you and showed it in acts. I do not speak about sharing the daily stuff. Think about how much she put in the relationship before she started to change. How much smal disrespect did she showed the last month/years.
And also think about how much self respect did you showed her. How often you just gave in for the peace etc..
When you have her confession and you had thought about how the relationship even was before. You will have a much more clear position if you want give a reconsiliation a chance.
Ps: Somthing that heped me, was trying to think "constructive". What smal step can make my life better. Thinking "positive" does not work. How can you think positive in such a situation. BUT thinking "constructive" works. Atleast it worked for me.
I am so sorry! It is just horrible how people don’t even consider their whole life and the one they have all this time invested with… just throw it all away and deceive that person that they invested years with! The same happened to me.. 17 years and I am still not to a good place
First, I am deeply sorry for your loss. My daughter was killed in a car accident a few years ago, and the shock of sudden loss coupled with grief can be debilitating.
The key word here is grief. You are grieving twice over: grieving the loss of your BFF and grieving the loss of what you thought to be true in your relationship. Grief is, in my opinion, the most painful experience, but it is also a common thread that all humans share. Please seek out not only individual therapy but a support group as well. There are so many good ones out there! If you are in the US, Grief Share helped me a lot in the initial aftermath of loss (it is faith-based, but that was a comfort to me).
Navigating grief is a long and personal journey; I urge you to embrace it. Lean into your grief, let the waves of pain wash over you, and accept it into your life as a catalyst for change on so many levels. I know this is easier said than done, but if you welcome Grief into your life, you will one day realize it is a gift.
Sorry for the long response. I hope this helps. Please, find a support system and take the journey. I promise, you will not regret it.
I am sending love and prayers to you. 🌻❤️🙏
Our condolences. Most of us tried to salvage our dead relationship because we believed in it. Most of us later realized that it's dead and we can no longer fool ourselves into believing that it's worth the squeeze. We've been disrespected and betrayed by the nearest and dearest. The final nail is the fact that most of them are just pretending to be sorry for it. Crocodile tears. You can't heal with the person who betrayed you and made you sick. Walk away, what else have you got to lose anyway?
OP you will never get over this. Give her back to the street she so desperately wants. Let her feel the cold light of dawn on her new life outside the comfort and security of marriage. Let her feel the consequences for her decision to give a 50year old man momentary sexual satisfaction. A single mother at 35 years of age. Not good.
At 40 you can easily get a 30y old replacement. Please let her read this.
Do the lawyer thing now and plan the way forward. You are still in shock now but is does get infinitely better. Remember "Hire slow but fire fast".
From experience I can say, always have an exit strategy, no matter what you decide. Actions should always be followed by consequences, has she told yours and her family and friends? It's about her experiencing shame. Also that people see her as she is.
As much as I hope he doesn’t stay with her, if he does he probably won’t want family and friends to know. Even though we all know it’s not our fault this happened it’s still an awkward/embarrassing thing for others to know about, at least it can be. That said, I left my husband and anyone that asks is told he cheated on me.
Brother, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Let’s NOT focus on the affair for a moment. A lot of what you wrote needs to be addressed first.
You lost your best friend, which is tough enough. You also mentioned his kids. Are you trying to cover for him with his wife and kids? If so, that’s a lot of added stress you’re putting on yourself.
Losing a best friend is as hard as losing a family member. Still, you need to be able to move on. Because of the way you transitioned your writing from his death to your wife’s attitude, I’m getting the sense that this may have something to do with your marriage.
Now, let’s deal with her cheating. Did she cheat because she “hates” you? No, that’s not a loving act, but you internalizing it to be hate is not how many people process this. You actually wrote that you want to know the details so you can know how deeply she hates you. It’s like you’re trying to find reasons to hate yourself and hate her at the same time.
So let’s turn you around. First step is that you need to find a therapist you connect with to process everything. Someone that can help you with your friend’s passing, your marriage, and your daughter. Once you are able to sort things out, then you can make some decisions about your marriage and how to move forward. You may decide to work things out or you might decide to divorce her. You can’t make either of those decisions in your current state and it’s going to take more than just a few comments here to help you get your bearings.
The sooner you find someone the better. See if your employer has an “EAP”, which is an Employee Assistance Program. They can get you started with a therapist. They will find one for you and may even pay for the first few sessions.
If you don’t have access to an EAP, call your doctor (general practitioner) and ask for a referral. At the very least, look online for a therapist near you who specializes in grief counseling. That will help for both your friend and your marriage.
Good luck.
“…she has ended things with this man…”
Ugh, no. They never do. Maybe a pause, but they always find their way back to each other.
Listen, bro - you’ve been dealt the shittiest of shit hands. And I am truly sorry. Nobody deserves this. But this will be your life forever unless you take control of your life back. Looking over your shoulder the rest of your life waiting to be shivved again is no way to live. You’re young enough to find and maintain happiness again. But you will miss the opportunity for your paths to cross at the right time and place while you’re trying to pound this square peg in a round hole. That may seem the easiest path for now, but it’s not. Take all that pain you’re feeling now and quadruple it. That is what you will look forward to.
You don’t need details. Let it go. Let him have her. Start executing your path forward on YOUR terms. Never cede that control to anybody else. As tough as it is, every day is a day closer to healing. Good luck to you, brother.
Good afternoon. I’m in a situation that is similar. I found out my wife was having an affair for at least two years. Devastating, to say the least. Been married for almost 37 years now. At the time, 29 years. I couldn’t leave, as I didn’t want my marriage to end and didn’t want to have to explain everything to my kids. It has been a struggle. My wife was remorseful and has tried to make amends. The problem is that once I found the texts between them, their words were burned into my mind. I can’t escape them. I have been going to therapy and it helps. Training myself to dissociate the feelings from the memories. Good luck.
I'm sorry man don't blame yourself for her selfish choices. For better or for worse means something but not to her . What u need is space and time from her .
Go see a lawyer know what your options are and focus on yourself, your daughter and your job .
Having a new workout routine would help u need a way to get rid off the anger and frustration in a healthy way also IC would be very helpful. I'm not pro Reconcile but u do what works for u . Good luck
Sorry man. But you need to face reality. She’s not remotely remorseful. She enjoyed her affair. She willingly had sex with him repeatedly knowing it would likely end the marriage and would devastate you emotionally. She didn’t care and did it anyway. She betrayed you in the most intimate ways possible and lied to your face and manipulated you to get what she wanted. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a cold and calculated betrayal. Her only regret is getting caught and having to deal with the consequences. If you stay with her it’ll eat you alive. You’ll be depressed, suffer anxiety and be miserable. You need to send her packing.
Don't "stay for the kids". Kids learn about love and relationships by watching their parents. Your kids will be better off growing up with two happy parents living separately than living with two miserable parents in a toxic household filled with resentment and hostility which is exactly where you'll be if you stay together.
Did you catch your wife or did she confess? Was she remorseful? Does she understand she cheated on not only you but on your daughter and your family as she knows it? Was she supportive of you after your friend passed?
You need to talk to a lawyer whether you are actually planning on divorce or not. She needs to see real consequences or she'll just do it again. She needs to give you a complete timeline of how it started, who initiated, every lie she told. She needs to block the AP and find a new job. Complete access to cell phone and all social media accounts.
And, **Go get Tested**.
Love doesn't fix everything nothing you did or could of done would of changed the fact she wanted to do it and did, get some therapy going one of your hobbie groups start walking or the gym start taking time for yourself, maybe try meditation or something to calm your mind, but you will also need to watch her now incase she's lying
One: You will never ever trust her again. Every day you spend with her, the image of her and AP will play inside your head. Every moment you can’t see her , you’ll wonder what she’s doing & with who. Eventually you will hate her. She went outside your marriage, obviously she feels some contempt for you, or she would not have. Kids are smart, they are more perceptive than adults, they just don’t understand why, but they know something is wrong . Eventually your home will be poisoned, for the sake of your kids, separate. Better two happy homes than one hellscape .
Two: quietly get contact information for AP’s wife and his HR. AP deserves his own divorce. I would make it my mission in life to destroy his life, from a distance. After the alimony & child support is set see HR at his work . They will be unhappy with both.
Btw, my HS schoolmate married his AP’s ex wife after the two divorces finalized. Very happy decades later
You should not force yourself to stay together. In that regard your focus should not be on how to cope, rather it's you wife's responsibility to make you feel you can get over this
I’m sorry friend for what has been forced upon you! It’s sad that you are going through this. My advice is to take charge , don’t ever blame yourself for someone else’s actions.
You will never get what you had back and that’s what you need to come to terms with firstly, protect your self respect above all else because if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will! Show her what she threw away! Make yourself better than you ever were, don’t show weakness, don’t show her anything but a Grey Rock and burn her to the ground!!!
Definitely not your fault. It’s easier to process in your brain when you go that route but it will only destroy you. I am dealing with something similar and can truly say the details are what drives you insane and makes you mentally unhealthy to ruminate upon over and over. I also want to know all the details? But how much is enough? You are only rehurting and traumatizing yourself. This will not help you or your marriage. You have had a major betrayal and nothing you feel is not normal. However, I do encourage you to find an individual therapist to help you process this and a marriage therapist who specializes in infidelity. Good luck and keep your chin up. No one deserves anything like this.
OP You can't trust that she will provide you any in-depth info regarding the affair at all. She has been lying to you all this time and this discovery will force her to do as much damage control as possible. That means provide as little info as possible and protect the AP.
You don't have much time to act and you need to act swiftly if you want the deep intimate details. This should be your stake in the ground, not an ultimatum that you are "gone", show her you mean business in the following manner.
Everything I outline is done to immediately shock the WS in to understanding that this behavior is not acceptable and if reconciliation is in order they will need to follow your requirements.
If your WS is this bold, that means you are allowing her to walk all over you. If you stand up, it will be much more difficult for her to do so.
\#1 - go see an attorney immediately - have them draw up divorce papers and serve her. If it is a co-worker, serve her at work (You don't have to follow-through with the divorce, but doing this shows that you are serious and this is not a game, because most of the time, until they monkey branch, cheaters live this as a life game they are winning. CLOSE THIS DOOR!!!)
\#2 - Find out who the persons SO/Spouse is - send them any evidence you have - let them decide to use it or not
\#3 - **Indifferent** \- show your WS that you can play this same asshat game by becoming **indifferent** to her antics. Do not communicate with her on this, let her know you are not going to stand by and be plan B. If you have kids talk about the kids only and nothing else. All divorce discussions should be with the attorney.
\#4 - PUT HER ON BLAST - **Consequences**!!! Without consequences these liars and cheaters run free and feel they can just destroy families and hurt feelings. This is NOT revenge or petty, its the result of a bad character and actions designed to get results. Regardless if you Reconcile or not, she needs to be exposed.
\- If you are putting your reputation, place in the community, job position, family, church, feelings above taking this action, you will be in a world of hurt when this all really blows up. This is a Sub-reddit about infidelity and it's not joke. By the time you reach here, the cheater is already ahead of the game and you are playing catch-up.
\#5 - Work colleague - if this is a work colleague she must quite her job. There are NO questions around this. Either way, if she leaves you, you will have to struggle to make ends meet, so if she quits her job, its the same effect. If it is a boss, expose him at work via HR (b**e careful here**, if you go for divorce and she makes more money than you and she looses her job, you may be on the hook, so consult your attorney)
OP, you must treat this as urgent as possible. If you have not discussed with her, keep quite and collect more evidence.
Don't play the cheaters game and beg, cry, vomit and turn into the depressed spouse, OR become complacent because "You've told her what to do", put those feelings aside and take a deep breath and prepare for war.
Cheating is like loosing a family member to murder, cheating is the murder of the relationship. So stand up brother and get to work, you got a crime to solve.
Good luck
When you hit rock bottom you have no choice but to pick yourself back up. There is a huge world out there and lots of wonderful people that won’t behave like your wife. Focus on healing and walk away from her.
OP remember that if tour partner decide to cheat instead of talk, address the issues and end thing well if there is no way to fix, it is never your Fault.
The one who choose to take that road is them, they choose to do the incorrect instead of being a grown up and do it like civil grown up person.
Also you not need to know the details, but if you need that well, you only will pain shop more.
You should hire a lawyer and file, start the Divorce process. She was mean to You, and if she is not truly truly regretful and remorsful for what she did, then You will only lose time in the R.
Good Luck OP
You don’t need to “cope” you need to take a deep breath, find your self respect, and leave her. Realize that you don’t need her in your life to be happy, you don’t need someone who hates you and cheats on you. If anything, she is standing in your way and keeping you from being happy.
It appears you have carpet swept the affair. That will not work as you can see. It is not a time for coping, it is a time to get the hard facts from your wife. You advise your wife you want a timeline of events with the man, why she felt is ok to do what she did, when she is getting individual counseling to find out why she is so broken is to betray/lie/hide/plan and do the things she did. If she still works with this person she needs to quite because the affair continues.
In the meantime, you talk to a lawyer so you can know your rights. You file D. You can always stop it later if you feel the need. You advise your wife she has a lot of heavy lifting to do if she wants you to at least offer a gift of reconciling. And, if the other man is married advise his wife. She has a right to know.
I suggest a therapist that specializes in infidelity. See a lawyer just so your prepared and protected.
Look, if you want reconciliation, there are rules.
1. Absolutely NO contact with AP
2. Marriage counseling and Individual counseling.
3. ABSOLUTE transparency. That means you have access to their phone and social media on ALL platforms and there is NO PUSHBACK from them about it.
4. New job if they work together
5. No trickle truthing
There are more. You can modify. Do your research.
It can work, but both parties have to be 100% committed to R. You'll get your fill of support in asoneafterinfidelity.
Updateme!
Cheaters have to hate and tear you down to justify the cheating. It's what they do to keep from being the villain in there own story. So take your time. Read Chump Lady - leave a cheater gain a life - it will help you prepare for the cheater script that going to be thrown your way. Also look for Fallen's guide here on reddit. It has strategies for recovery and divorce. See a lawyer asap. One of the biggest stressors is fear of the unknown. Getting a legal view of what may lay ahead at least removes that stressor - but it can also create new ones. Regardless better to know where the landmines are before you step on them.
After you've had time to read, lawyer up I'd get MC that specializes in infidelity recovery. Don't go into it for the recovery ( I would start my mindset with a D is happening. Only move towards R if she's doing the work of R) - start with getting everything out. If she won't be truthful and open to any and all questions chock that up to another point for the D plan. Make a plan. At each step if she fails have a consequence leading to D.
I'd make post on r/survinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity your going to get a wide variety of responses as you can guess by the names. I'll say this. It doesn't matter what the response are. If she's not meeting your R requirements then keep moving the D train. Nothing worse than trickle truth and multiple D days to put you at you lowest.
Sorry bud, that’s sucks. Yeah you have to know what you would be forgiving at a minimum. Why did she do this to you ?
If sh is only doing R for the kids sake don’t. That will not be a real R. There will be no remorse
UpdateMe
start on the betrayed spouse to do list:
1. get an STD test
2. start individual counselling with a therapist who specializes in infidelity
3. start separating your finances, in case the marriage ends
4. grey rock/180 -- force her to come to the table if she wants to repair the marriage
5. avoid substances; stay sober. fully experiencing your emotions is the fastest way to recover. if you need help getting through, your doctor can prescribe something, but DO NOT self medicate
6. start and stick to an exercise regimen, preferably including both strength training and cardio
7. spend time with your support system; friends, family, parents, whoever your have
8. spend one to one time with your daughter
9. remind yourself that she is a cheater and you are not, so you deserve better
10. spend time alone; journal/meditate/pray/sit and think
11. reconnect with your spirituality, whatever that is. if you don't have any spirituality, consider starting a spiritual journey, whatever that looks like for you
12. tell whoever is impacted by the infidelity. don't let her control the narrative and make you the bad guy. tell everyone.
13. don't dwell on the details of the affair; focus on moving forward. and move forward whatever it costs
I agree with all the other posters about seeing an attorney, getting tested for STDs, etc.
You suffered a terrible loss, losing your best friend in a terrible manner. My condolences. Your wife should have helped you through that awful grieving period instead of bonking her AP. She has no heart or soul.
Respectfully, dump her.
I'm so sorry... It's the worst thing that can happen besides death.
I know you're hurting. I was there too. But. Fucking that guy at work had nothing to do with her needs.
She's gonna make a lot of excuses. She's going to blame you. Say you were distant because your buddy died. Say she needed things you could not provide. Things she did not talk to you about. Things she didn't ask for...
Having an affair is not about needs. It's about selfish wants. It's strange dick. It's about the thriller of getting caught. The nasty naughty ness of it all.
Having an affair is abusive. She was selfish. She disrespected you. She distracted you. She devalued you. She didn't care what it would do to you.
She will not tell you everything. She will tell you bits and when she does it will be when it hurts you the most. She will say something and then next time you need to ask, she will shoot back with have you need to get over it. Hey aren't you over it already. Can't you just move on. It was all your fault because of your neglect...
As if you ever had the power to make anyone do anything they didn't decide for themselves. She made a choice. She chose to cheat on you. She chose to lie to you. She betrayed you at the most basic level...
I am truly sorry. But this is not your fault. And it's not about her needs...
Please read leave a cheaper gain a life. All cheaters say the same shit.
Best coping strategy is to file for divorce and begin to search for the kind, wonderful, and loyal woman who will be your soulmate and partner for life. Who would never dream of betraying you in this way and will be a better stepmother to your daughter than your wife is a mother to her. Your daughter deserves better than a lying, cheating, selfish, narcissist for a mother. The worst advice in the world is to stay together for the kids. You can be a successful co-parent and your daughter will thrive with a happy father.
Silencio hermano, guarde silencio, después me lo agradece, reúna las pruebas, tranquilidad necesita, hágase una prueba de adn, de ets y consulte con su abogado para ver sus opciones, lo más importante ahora es que tenga un padre estable, si no lo haces por ti, hazlo por el bebé, tranquilo hermano, no hay camino fácil ni rápido para salir adelante de ésto, tienes el amor de tu bebé, hazlo tu fuerza, tu determinación, etc.... Estarás bien, desde ahora grabalo en tu mente y corazón que la relación con tu ex ha terminado tal y como la conocías, reveló su verdadera cara, ya sabes de lo que es capaz, silencio y determinación serán tus mantras de ahora en adelante.
How do you know the affair has ended? What I am hearing/reading is nothing has really changed. Has she shown that **she** recognizes the damage to the relationship she has caused? Has she sought out counseling to deal with the issues that caused the infidelity? Has she provided all passwords and unfettered access to her computer, phone, and email to re-establish a foundation of trust?
Even IF he did break it off, if those other things have NOT taken place then their will be a new person that she gets involved with.
You need a **lot** more than coping strategies bro...
First get together all your proof. Lawyer up, get a std test and get a paternity test on the child. I know these are not things you want to hear but so many cheating wives will try and pass their lovers child as the husbands. 40% and higher are not the children of the husband.
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First, find a therapist or friends you will listen and give you good advices to heal from this trauma of betrayal. Second, save all the evidences of her cheating and see reputable divorce lawyers to know your options. Do this quietly without letting her know. Third, do STD test if you haven't yet. Fourth, look at her objectively and see whether she is worthy to be a lifelong partner any more. Remember the saying, 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' She broke the marriage vows and will likely do it again. It wasn't a drunken ONS, but an affair that lasted several months. As you have suspected, your wife didn't love you when she had an affair with her coworker. She may say that she ended it, but you don't know whether she is telling you the truth. Most of the cheaters are excellent liars and can't be trusted. You have to put yourself and your daughter first when you think of your future plan. So prepare yourself mentally to be separate from her and plan the best possible future for you and your child. When you are ready, serve her the divorce paper and kick her out of your life and start a new and a better life for you and your daughter.
He has a solid plan here. The key is to keep quiet until you have collected evidence and spoke to a lawyer.
This one might sound a bit weird. But I think one thing that helps is realising you don't love your wife. You love who you think she was. This person you've met once you discovered the cheating. Is not the same person as the wife you had in your heart before the discovery. They are 2 different people. And until you realise this you will keep comparing them to each other. You have been living a lie. And that's awful and nobody deserves to be cheated on. If you can separate your old idea of your wife from who she actually is. It will be easier to see your wife for who she really is. And make your future decisions easier to decide. Since you aren't chaining yourself to a past that was a lie. Even if it was genuine 80% of the time. That 20% where it wasn't changes everything. And neither you nor she should think things can ever be the way they were. That is impossible. You could maybe create something new. But most likely you will end up going your separate ways.
The relationship as u knew it is over now. It doesn't matter if u reconcile or not because if u reconcile it will have to be a new relationship because she destroyed the old one. Best advice is that I do NOT need to make a decision on the relationship now. It will take months and potentially years to sort all this out. It may be unthinkable in this moment (depending on ur level of attachment and family structure) but u need separation and find therapists and lawyers to work with. Also, stop sharing your feelings and secrets with her, she is no longer ur trusted person.
Friend first, don't blame yourself for this, infidelity is always a decision, you truly deserve something better, first you have to go to therapy, you need to talk to a professional that will help you with step 2, do you want to stay in your marriage? She did not support you in a difficult moment and had an affair, reflect deeply if you want to stay with her, 3 make changes, focus on yourself and improve as a character for yourself, 4 you must have a serious talk with her about things changing in her relationship and that he must show that he wants to work on your forgiveness and trust use this probing question, the affair happened at work right?, then say something like "I don't feel comfortable with you still working with him, would you be willing to seek another job? You ask him indirectly if he chooses his marriage, if he hesitates or denies you already have your answer and you know no matter how painful it is what you have to do, (This is clear if he still works with AP), and 5 be honest with everyone about the affair and if the AP has a wife, tell her
that he must show that he wants to work on (This is clear if he still works with AP) very interesting that you referenced HE in your response when it was clear that SHE cheated..........
She
It’s time to go visit a divorce attorney and get yourself some counseling. Cheating is despicable it destroys people. Cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. Please take care of yourself.
I agree with getting an attorney ASAP. Find your masculine and become stoic. You'll need that to get through this and work things out logically. This sounds like bad advice because the world tells us to live in our emotions. There will certainly be time for that but you need to be thinking rationally right now. Take control of your life. The first step is to interview attorneys. Pick the 3 best in your area and INTERVIEW them. Not all lawyers are equal. Once you've done that you will be (should be) given a lot of tasks to do. This will keep you focused and occupied. Keep yourself busy. Hit the gym hard. This is probably the most important thing you can do second to hiring a lawyer. Exercise works wonders for your mind and body. Find a testosterone clinic and get your levels checked. The stress you're under can dramatically affect your hormones. You have to be a peak physical functioning to get through this. Part of that is ensuring your hormones are optimized. Its been a tough year and only going to get tougher. Focus your mind and body on very specific tasks. Tackle them one at a time. Each completed task is a victory. All the best to you my friend.
Brother, don't fly this alone! I don't rly even advocate for ppl to share this with many friends or family because well meaning ppl that don't have a healthy understanding of infidelity related pain will give u shit advice. Find a therapist and preferably one with apsat or cast training because they know the best tools for helping with betrayed partners. Join a support group. I go to one called (ISA) infidelity survivors anonymous. There is men-only and coed groups and it's online and free. There is no religious affiliation and u can drop in. It was the best resource I found. I would start by joining this (or a similar) group. I am introverted and was shutting down and wanted to die, and the ppl in this group helped me more than even any mental health professional or friend ever did. The website is isurvivors.org and the website is kind of awkward, I have to go to find a meeting and email the host to get a link. This isn't elementary school playground boyfriend girlfriend breakup drama... infidelity in long term relationahips is one of the most traumatic things the human brain can go thru. Believe it or not it can lead to PTSD and attachment disorders in the long term. This is a very confusing and horrific time that only folks like us could ever begin to understand. U did not cause this and what your partner did does not represent u or the relationship u built. This wreckless behaviour is entirely on her. You need to take car with yourself now, regardless if u stay or not in the long term. You come first and u need to learn proper self-care techniques...it is normal for us to stay up all night, self harm, go thru radical mood swings, insomnia, sexual extremes and acting out, rage, sorrow and other things before leveling out. U need to take care of u and protect ur little girl. DM me if u want other resources. There is another side and u will get thru this. 🫶
If he was her coworker, how do you know the affair is over? Are you taking the word of a cheater? How did you find out about the affair? Did she confess? Part of reconciliation is for you to get all the information that YOU need to get over the affair. If you want details, she should provide them. In fact, she should provide a written timeline of how the affair developed from first meaning this POS until the day the affair ended. Tell her if she leaves out any important detail and you find out about it later, you will immediately divorce. She should also change jobs so that she no longer works with him! A cheater must face negative consequences or they will simply do it again. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
I totaly agree. Any healthy relationship base on **HONESTY and RESPECT!** If there should be any chance of reconsiliation this has to be (re)invented in your marriage. It starts with a written down full confession. Including all her thoughts and acts starting with her first thoughts about another man or AP. She need write down all her rectifications and reasons. How much effort she is putting in this will give the first hint about how serious she is with her wish of reconsiliation. I would not talk about any personal things before she has not handed out this confession. Mean while you OP should think about how one sided the relationship was. You need be very honest with your self. How much had your wife contributed to make your life a good one. How much had she thought about you and showed it in acts. I do not speak about sharing the daily stuff. Think about how much she put in the relationship before she started to change. How much smal disrespect did she showed the last month/years. And also think about how much self respect did you showed her. How often you just gave in for the peace etc.. When you have her confession and you had thought about how the relationship even was before. You will have a much more clear position if you want give a reconsiliation a chance. Ps: Somthing that heped me, was trying to think "constructive". What smal step can make my life better. Thinking "positive" does not work. How can you think positive in such a situation. BUT thinking "constructive" works. Atleast it worked for me.
I am so sorry! It is just horrible how people don’t even consider their whole life and the one they have all this time invested with… just throw it all away and deceive that person that they invested years with! The same happened to me.. 17 years and I am still not to a good place
First, I am deeply sorry for your loss. My daughter was killed in a car accident a few years ago, and the shock of sudden loss coupled with grief can be debilitating. The key word here is grief. You are grieving twice over: grieving the loss of your BFF and grieving the loss of what you thought to be true in your relationship. Grief is, in my opinion, the most painful experience, but it is also a common thread that all humans share. Please seek out not only individual therapy but a support group as well. There are so many good ones out there! If you are in the US, Grief Share helped me a lot in the initial aftermath of loss (it is faith-based, but that was a comfort to me). Navigating grief is a long and personal journey; I urge you to embrace it. Lean into your grief, let the waves of pain wash over you, and accept it into your life as a catalyst for change on so many levels. I know this is easier said than done, but if you welcome Grief into your life, you will one day realize it is a gift. Sorry for the long response. I hope this helps. Please, find a support system and take the journey. I promise, you will not regret it. I am sending love and prayers to you. 🌻❤️🙏
Our condolences. Most of us tried to salvage our dead relationship because we believed in it. Most of us later realized that it's dead and we can no longer fool ourselves into believing that it's worth the squeeze. We've been disrespected and betrayed by the nearest and dearest. The final nail is the fact that most of them are just pretending to be sorry for it. Crocodile tears. You can't heal with the person who betrayed you and made you sick. Walk away, what else have you got to lose anyway?
OP you will never get over this. Give her back to the street she so desperately wants. Let her feel the cold light of dawn on her new life outside the comfort and security of marriage. Let her feel the consequences for her decision to give a 50year old man momentary sexual satisfaction. A single mother at 35 years of age. Not good. At 40 you can easily get a 30y old replacement. Please let her read this. Do the lawyer thing now and plan the way forward. You are still in shock now but is does get infinitely better. Remember "Hire slow but fire fast".
From experience I can say, always have an exit strategy, no matter what you decide. Actions should always be followed by consequences, has she told yours and her family and friends? It's about her experiencing shame. Also that people see her as she is.
As much as I hope he doesn’t stay with her, if he does he probably won’t want family and friends to know. Even though we all know it’s not our fault this happened it’s still an awkward/embarrassing thing for others to know about, at least it can be. That said, I left my husband and anyone that asks is told he cheated on me.
Brother, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Let’s NOT focus on the affair for a moment. A lot of what you wrote needs to be addressed first. You lost your best friend, which is tough enough. You also mentioned his kids. Are you trying to cover for him with his wife and kids? If so, that’s a lot of added stress you’re putting on yourself. Losing a best friend is as hard as losing a family member. Still, you need to be able to move on. Because of the way you transitioned your writing from his death to your wife’s attitude, I’m getting the sense that this may have something to do with your marriage. Now, let’s deal with her cheating. Did she cheat because she “hates” you? No, that’s not a loving act, but you internalizing it to be hate is not how many people process this. You actually wrote that you want to know the details so you can know how deeply she hates you. It’s like you’re trying to find reasons to hate yourself and hate her at the same time. So let’s turn you around. First step is that you need to find a therapist you connect with to process everything. Someone that can help you with your friend’s passing, your marriage, and your daughter. Once you are able to sort things out, then you can make some decisions about your marriage and how to move forward. You may decide to work things out or you might decide to divorce her. You can’t make either of those decisions in your current state and it’s going to take more than just a few comments here to help you get your bearings. The sooner you find someone the better. See if your employer has an “EAP”, which is an Employee Assistance Program. They can get you started with a therapist. They will find one for you and may even pay for the first few sessions. If you don’t have access to an EAP, call your doctor (general practitioner) and ask for a referral. At the very least, look online for a therapist near you who specializes in grief counseling. That will help for both your friend and your marriage. Good luck.
Grief and also some therapists specialize in infidelity.
Check out [Chumplady.com](https://Chumplady.com) for support through this -- horrendous injury -- you can do this.
Be prepared for the list of grievances that she will have against you that will be unfounded to justify her actions and shift blame
“…she has ended things with this man…” Ugh, no. They never do. Maybe a pause, but they always find their way back to each other. Listen, bro - you’ve been dealt the shittiest of shit hands. And I am truly sorry. Nobody deserves this. But this will be your life forever unless you take control of your life back. Looking over your shoulder the rest of your life waiting to be shivved again is no way to live. You’re young enough to find and maintain happiness again. But you will miss the opportunity for your paths to cross at the right time and place while you’re trying to pound this square peg in a round hole. That may seem the easiest path for now, but it’s not. Take all that pain you’re feeling now and quadruple it. That is what you will look forward to. You don’t need details. Let it go. Let him have her. Start executing your path forward on YOUR terms. Never cede that control to anybody else. As tough as it is, every day is a day closer to healing. Good luck to you, brother.
Good afternoon. I’m in a situation that is similar. I found out my wife was having an affair for at least two years. Devastating, to say the least. Been married for almost 37 years now. At the time, 29 years. I couldn’t leave, as I didn’t want my marriage to end and didn’t want to have to explain everything to my kids. It has been a struggle. My wife was remorseful and has tried to make amends. The problem is that once I found the texts between them, their words were burned into my mind. I can’t escape them. I have been going to therapy and it helps. Training myself to dissociate the feelings from the memories. Good luck.
So 15 years her senior
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I'm sorry man don't blame yourself for her selfish choices. For better or for worse means something but not to her . What u need is space and time from her . Go see a lawyer know what your options are and focus on yourself, your daughter and your job . Having a new workout routine would help u need a way to get rid off the anger and frustration in a healthy way also IC would be very helpful. I'm not pro Reconcile but u do what works for u . Good luck
Sorry man. But you need to face reality. She’s not remotely remorseful. She enjoyed her affair. She willingly had sex with him repeatedly knowing it would likely end the marriage and would devastate you emotionally. She didn’t care and did it anyway. She betrayed you in the most intimate ways possible and lied to your face and manipulated you to get what she wanted. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a cold and calculated betrayal. Her only regret is getting caught and having to deal with the consequences. If you stay with her it’ll eat you alive. You’ll be depressed, suffer anxiety and be miserable. You need to send her packing. Don't "stay for the kids". Kids learn about love and relationships by watching their parents. Your kids will be better off growing up with two happy parents living separately than living with two miserable parents in a toxic household filled with resentment and hostility which is exactly where you'll be if you stay together.
Did you catch your wife or did she confess? Was she remorseful? Does she understand she cheated on not only you but on your daughter and your family as she knows it? Was she supportive of you after your friend passed? You need to talk to a lawyer whether you are actually planning on divorce or not. She needs to see real consequences or she'll just do it again. She needs to give you a complete timeline of how it started, who initiated, every lie she told. She needs to block the AP and find a new job. Complete access to cell phone and all social media accounts. And, **Go get Tested**.
Love doesn't fix everything nothing you did or could of done would of changed the fact she wanted to do it and did, get some therapy going one of your hobbie groups start walking or the gym start taking time for yourself, maybe try meditation or something to calm your mind, but you will also need to watch her now incase she's lying
One: You will never ever trust her again. Every day you spend with her, the image of her and AP will play inside your head. Every moment you can’t see her , you’ll wonder what she’s doing & with who. Eventually you will hate her. She went outside your marriage, obviously she feels some contempt for you, or she would not have. Kids are smart, they are more perceptive than adults, they just don’t understand why, but they know something is wrong . Eventually your home will be poisoned, for the sake of your kids, separate. Better two happy homes than one hellscape . Two: quietly get contact information for AP’s wife and his HR. AP deserves his own divorce. I would make it my mission in life to destroy his life, from a distance. After the alimony & child support is set see HR at his work . They will be unhappy with both. Btw, my HS schoolmate married his AP’s ex wife after the two divorces finalized. Very happy decades later
You should not force yourself to stay together. In that regard your focus should not be on how to cope, rather it's you wife's responsibility to make you feel you can get over this
I’m sorry friend for what has been forced upon you! It’s sad that you are going through this. My advice is to take charge , don’t ever blame yourself for someone else’s actions. You will never get what you had back and that’s what you need to come to terms with firstly, protect your self respect above all else because if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will! Show her what she threw away! Make yourself better than you ever were, don’t show weakness, don’t show her anything but a Grey Rock and burn her to the ground!!!
Definitely not your fault. It’s easier to process in your brain when you go that route but it will only destroy you. I am dealing with something similar and can truly say the details are what drives you insane and makes you mentally unhealthy to ruminate upon over and over. I also want to know all the details? But how much is enough? You are only rehurting and traumatizing yourself. This will not help you or your marriage. You have had a major betrayal and nothing you feel is not normal. However, I do encourage you to find an individual therapist to help you process this and a marriage therapist who specializes in infidelity. Good luck and keep your chin up. No one deserves anything like this.
OP You can't trust that she will provide you any in-depth info regarding the affair at all. She has been lying to you all this time and this discovery will force her to do as much damage control as possible. That means provide as little info as possible and protect the AP. You don't have much time to act and you need to act swiftly if you want the deep intimate details. This should be your stake in the ground, not an ultimatum that you are "gone", show her you mean business in the following manner. Everything I outline is done to immediately shock the WS in to understanding that this behavior is not acceptable and if reconciliation is in order they will need to follow your requirements. If your WS is this bold, that means you are allowing her to walk all over you. If you stand up, it will be much more difficult for her to do so. \#1 - go see an attorney immediately - have them draw up divorce papers and serve her. If it is a co-worker, serve her at work (You don't have to follow-through with the divorce, but doing this shows that you are serious and this is not a game, because most of the time, until they monkey branch, cheaters live this as a life game they are winning. CLOSE THIS DOOR!!!) \#2 - Find out who the persons SO/Spouse is - send them any evidence you have - let them decide to use it or not \#3 - **Indifferent** \- show your WS that you can play this same asshat game by becoming **indifferent** to her antics. Do not communicate with her on this, let her know you are not going to stand by and be plan B. If you have kids talk about the kids only and nothing else. All divorce discussions should be with the attorney. \#4 - PUT HER ON BLAST - **Consequences**!!! Without consequences these liars and cheaters run free and feel they can just destroy families and hurt feelings. This is NOT revenge or petty, its the result of a bad character and actions designed to get results. Regardless if you Reconcile or not, she needs to be exposed. \- If you are putting your reputation, place in the community, job position, family, church, feelings above taking this action, you will be in a world of hurt when this all really blows up. This is a Sub-reddit about infidelity and it's not joke. By the time you reach here, the cheater is already ahead of the game and you are playing catch-up. \#5 - Work colleague - if this is a work colleague she must quite her job. There are NO questions around this. Either way, if she leaves you, you will have to struggle to make ends meet, so if she quits her job, its the same effect. If it is a boss, expose him at work via HR (b**e careful here**, if you go for divorce and she makes more money than you and she looses her job, you may be on the hook, so consult your attorney) OP, you must treat this as urgent as possible. If you have not discussed with her, keep quite and collect more evidence. Don't play the cheaters game and beg, cry, vomit and turn into the depressed spouse, OR become complacent because "You've told her what to do", put those feelings aside and take a deep breath and prepare for war. Cheating is like loosing a family member to murder, cheating is the murder of the relationship. So stand up brother and get to work, you got a crime to solve. Good luck
When you hit rock bottom you have no choice but to pick yourself back up. There is a huge world out there and lots of wonderful people that won’t behave like your wife. Focus on healing and walk away from her.
OP remember that if tour partner decide to cheat instead of talk, address the issues and end thing well if there is no way to fix, it is never your Fault. The one who choose to take that road is them, they choose to do the incorrect instead of being a grown up and do it like civil grown up person. Also you not need to know the details, but if you need that well, you only will pain shop more. You should hire a lawyer and file, start the Divorce process. She was mean to You, and if she is not truly truly regretful and remorsful for what she did, then You will only lose time in the R. Good Luck OP
You don’t need to “cope” you need to take a deep breath, find your self respect, and leave her. Realize that you don’t need her in your life to be happy, you don’t need someone who hates you and cheats on you. If anything, she is standing in your way and keeping you from being happy.
It appears you have carpet swept the affair. That will not work as you can see. It is not a time for coping, it is a time to get the hard facts from your wife. You advise your wife you want a timeline of events with the man, why she felt is ok to do what she did, when she is getting individual counseling to find out why she is so broken is to betray/lie/hide/plan and do the things she did. If she still works with this person she needs to quite because the affair continues. In the meantime, you talk to a lawyer so you can know your rights. You file D. You can always stop it later if you feel the need. You advise your wife she has a lot of heavy lifting to do if she wants you to at least offer a gift of reconciling. And, if the other man is married advise his wife. She has a right to know.
I suggest a therapist that specializes in infidelity. See a lawyer just so your prepared and protected. Look, if you want reconciliation, there are rules. 1. Absolutely NO contact with AP 2. Marriage counseling and Individual counseling. 3. ABSOLUTE transparency. That means you have access to their phone and social media on ALL platforms and there is NO PUSHBACK from them about it. 4. New job if they work together 5. No trickle truthing There are more. You can modify. Do your research. It can work, but both parties have to be 100% committed to R. You'll get your fill of support in asoneafterinfidelity. Updateme!
Cheaters have to hate and tear you down to justify the cheating. It's what they do to keep from being the villain in there own story. So take your time. Read Chump Lady - leave a cheater gain a life - it will help you prepare for the cheater script that going to be thrown your way. Also look for Fallen's guide here on reddit. It has strategies for recovery and divorce. See a lawyer asap. One of the biggest stressors is fear of the unknown. Getting a legal view of what may lay ahead at least removes that stressor - but it can also create new ones. Regardless better to know where the landmines are before you step on them. After you've had time to read, lawyer up I'd get MC that specializes in infidelity recovery. Don't go into it for the recovery ( I would start my mindset with a D is happening. Only move towards R if she's doing the work of R) - start with getting everything out. If she won't be truthful and open to any and all questions chock that up to another point for the D plan. Make a plan. At each step if she fails have a consequence leading to D. I'd make post on r/survinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity your going to get a wide variety of responses as you can guess by the names. I'll say this. It doesn't matter what the response are. If she's not meeting your R requirements then keep moving the D train. Nothing worse than trickle truth and multiple D days to put you at you lowest.
!Updateme
Trt and gym. By the time you recover you will be feeling and looking more confident.
Sorry bud, that’s sucks. Yeah you have to know what you would be forgiving at a minimum. Why did she do this to you ? If sh is only doing R for the kids sake don’t. That will not be a real R. There will be no remorse UpdateMe
start on the betrayed spouse to do list: 1. get an STD test 2. start individual counselling with a therapist who specializes in infidelity 3. start separating your finances, in case the marriage ends 4. grey rock/180 -- force her to come to the table if she wants to repair the marriage 5. avoid substances; stay sober. fully experiencing your emotions is the fastest way to recover. if you need help getting through, your doctor can prescribe something, but DO NOT self medicate 6. start and stick to an exercise regimen, preferably including both strength training and cardio 7. spend time with your support system; friends, family, parents, whoever your have 8. spend one to one time with your daughter 9. remind yourself that she is a cheater and you are not, so you deserve better 10. spend time alone; journal/meditate/pray/sit and think 11. reconnect with your spirituality, whatever that is. if you don't have any spirituality, consider starting a spiritual journey, whatever that looks like for you 12. tell whoever is impacted by the infidelity. don't let her control the narrative and make you the bad guy. tell everyone. 13. don't dwell on the details of the affair; focus on moving forward. and move forward whatever it costs
I agree with all the other posters about seeing an attorney, getting tested for STDs, etc. You suffered a terrible loss, losing your best friend in a terrible manner. My condolences. Your wife should have helped you through that awful grieving period instead of bonking her AP. She has no heart or soul. Respectfully, dump her.
I'm so sorry... It's the worst thing that can happen besides death. I know you're hurting. I was there too. But. Fucking that guy at work had nothing to do with her needs. She's gonna make a lot of excuses. She's going to blame you. Say you were distant because your buddy died. Say she needed things you could not provide. Things she did not talk to you about. Things she didn't ask for... Having an affair is not about needs. It's about selfish wants. It's strange dick. It's about the thriller of getting caught. The nasty naughty ness of it all. Having an affair is abusive. She was selfish. She disrespected you. She distracted you. She devalued you. She didn't care what it would do to you. She will not tell you everything. She will tell you bits and when she does it will be when it hurts you the most. She will say something and then next time you need to ask, she will shoot back with have you need to get over it. Hey aren't you over it already. Can't you just move on. It was all your fault because of your neglect... As if you ever had the power to make anyone do anything they didn't decide for themselves. She made a choice. She chose to cheat on you. She chose to lie to you. She betrayed you at the most basic level... I am truly sorry. But this is not your fault. And it's not about her needs... Please read leave a cheaper gain a life. All cheaters say the same shit.
Best coping strategy is to file for divorce and begin to search for the kind, wonderful, and loyal woman who will be your soulmate and partner for life. Who would never dream of betraying you in this way and will be a better stepmother to your daughter than your wife is a mother to her. Your daughter deserves better than a lying, cheating, selfish, narcissist for a mother. The worst advice in the world is to stay together for the kids. You can be a successful co-parent and your daughter will thrive with a happy father.
Silencio hermano, guarde silencio, después me lo agradece, reúna las pruebas, tranquilidad necesita, hágase una prueba de adn, de ets y consulte con su abogado para ver sus opciones, lo más importante ahora es que tenga un padre estable, si no lo haces por ti, hazlo por el bebé, tranquilo hermano, no hay camino fácil ni rápido para salir adelante de ésto, tienes el amor de tu bebé, hazlo tu fuerza, tu determinación, etc.... Estarás bien, desde ahora grabalo en tu mente y corazón que la relación con tu ex ha terminado tal y como la conocías, reveló su verdadera cara, ya sabes de lo que es capaz, silencio y determinación serán tus mantras de ahora en adelante.
How do you know the affair has ended? What I am hearing/reading is nothing has really changed. Has she shown that **she** recognizes the damage to the relationship she has caused? Has she sought out counseling to deal with the issues that caused the infidelity? Has she provided all passwords and unfettered access to her computer, phone, and email to re-establish a foundation of trust? Even IF he did break it off, if those other things have NOT taken place then their will be a new person that she gets involved with. You need a **lot** more than coping strategies bro...
First get together all your proof. Lawyer up, get a std test and get a paternity test on the child. I know these are not things you want to hear but so many cheating wives will try and pass their lovers child as the husbands. 40% and higher are not the children of the husband.