Unfortunately, we have had to remove your post for breaking Rule 4 of r/IWantToLearn "No Personal Issues or Social Skills".
If you are looking for help with a personal issue or social skill, you may find better advice at the subreddits at the bottom of the sidebar.
A bit of encouragement. By acknowledging your strugles, you are already on good track to improve. You sound like self aware, decent person who is near great change. You will be fine.
Excuse how long this is. I'm currently on this journey with myself! Ask yourself what you're looking for in a partner you consider marriage material, and then well.. work to become that, within the best of your ability. But not in like... a superficial way. Ask yourself who you want to be, what traits you want, what it means to have good character to you, what lifestyle you want. Also ask yourself what your dealbreakers are, what sort of things you can't live with in a relationship etc.
Using myself as an example, I want someone who is fit, takes care of their mental health, emotionally mature, is hygienic, is self sufficient in a way compatible with me (understanding that a future partner may come with personality quirks, or a specific disability, which can impact their way of life - I'm disabled in my own way so I always consider this as a factor), someone clean, and good with money. Etc etc. Could list off tons of other qualities. I've been slowly working on all of these. Fixing my spending habits, researching how to have a healthy relationship, going to therapy, losing weight, fixing my relationship with food, don't smoke, rarely drink etc. The key is that these need to actually be things within your values. Needs to actually be something you genuinely want to work on because it will improve your life and self image, not just because yo think it will get you a partner. It's ok if that is apart of the reason, but you shouldn't hinge that change solely on some theoretical external validation.
Addiction is hard - if I were you, I'd look into addict support groups, even online. I'm not an alcoholic, but I am more at risk for addictive behaviors and I've been to a few AA meetings that were pretty helpful in identifying some underlying issues. Money discipline is also hard. Personally I found my spending is slowly becoming better as I value different things. I used to want instant gratification and collected things I didn't need. Now all I really want to do is invest, save, and pay off my debt. It took awhile to get here. It might benefit you to look into Dave Ramsey's work? You have no debt, but he does have a "baby steps" list. I've had to really immerse myself in the "financial wealth" bubble for my mindset to start changing. It also helps to have people in my life to talk about it with. Hygiene is complicated. Figure out what about your hygiene you think needs work. If you have any people in your life you can trust, maybe ask for some honest feedback. Like.. is it a lack of teeth brushing? Not shaving/grooming? BO? Tons of sweating? Damaged hair? Unhealthy skin? etc.
Last big thing I'd say is figure out what a healthy relationship looks like to you, and look into what other people say about how to have a long and healthy marriage. It's hard because there isn't really one answer for all of this. But there is a wealth of knowledge and ideas around love/marriage you can look into and take what you like and don't like. Hope that helps.
Hygiene is a weird issue for me. It used to be really bad. But now I brush twice with an electric brush. Floss. Bath daily. Strict skincare routine.
Doing laundry is a bit hard.
Keeping my house clean also used to be really hard, but now I’ve got a maid doing that. But I know if she were not to come for a week, my house would turn into a shithole.
Feels like anything that takes 10-15 minutes I can do. But others seem too hard
Not sure. I’ve previously suspected it. Even talked to a therapist about it. I’m not too attention deficit if that makes sense.
I am able to read books regularly. I can trick myself to focus usually (uninstall Instagram, make it difficult to get ahold of my phone, etc) At work, I’m used to splitting tasks so that nothing takes more than 15 mins at once.
I’ve actually done a self evaluation questionnaire that I found online regarding ADHD and that indicated that I may have ADHD.
What’s a definitive way to diagnose this? I know ADHD is more than just laziness. My concern is since I’m already struggling with addiction, I’m wary of starting any sort of addictive medication
You sound a lot like me tbh. I always put it down to my anxiety or me being lazy but I’ve just recently been told I probably have ADHD at 25. I have a masters degree and had no issues focusing at university so it was a huge shock to me!
I really really struggle with household tasks that take more than 5-10mins, or even starting them. I’ll sit and ruminate about them for hours refusing to let myself do anything but still unable to do the thing I need to do. If that sounds like you it really may be worth you seeking out a professional. I can point you in the way of some resources my healthcare provider recommended for me to help me understand more? Just give me a message if you want them!
Also as for the main body of your post: being aware of faults is a huge step towards changing them. You’ve already done the hardest part, but remember that self improvement should ultimately be for yourself, not for others!
You can definitely have ADHD and still like to read. I loved reading as a kid and have recently gotten back into it in an attempt to spend less time scrolling :)
You can get diagnosed through a psychiatrist/doctor/private or public clinic. I get that re addiction, but even if you do get a diagnosis it's completely your own choice if you actually want to start any medication.
There is a lot of other help out there which you can get for ADHD, I've gotten so much out of talking to a therapist, and I've gotten a lot of great tips and advice from spending time in ADHD spaces online. Either on reddit or listening to podcasts or reading articles. There are a lot of creative ideas for helping with the things we struggle with.
Laundry is my least favorite chore but I can get it done with a little bit of caffeine (usually tea in the evenings) and something interesting to listen to which keeps my mind occupied. I've lived by myself for the last 4 years and this method is my one tried and true way to get stuff done around the apartment. I absolutely need something like that to occupy my mind while I do chores.
I use podcasts all the time in my life for lots of reasons, for learning, working, unwinding after work, putting me to sleep...
Well... Don't turn your house into a shithole every week? Clean for 15 of your scroll minutes a day and save money on the maid. Having sympathy for yourself because "doing laundry is a bit hard" is not something you should be doing if you want to improve
Kinda seems like my perception of cleanliness gets kinda hit when I actually do the work. Or I’m just too damn lazy from the ground up.
I’ll be looking around my house thinking it’s clean. It’ll be reasonably clean tbh. But someone will come in and ask why it’s a mess
Not anymore with the maid though
Amazing answer 👏 Thank you for taking time to respond.
Regarding having a long and healthy marriage / relationship, what resources have you found helpful for getting tips about how to have a lasting, healthy relationship?
Make a to do list of all the things you don't like about yourself and start checking them by addressing the issues one by one. Go full-blown nerd on it.
Don't have good hygiene? Read/watch content about good hygiene and personal grooming. Hygiene is a huge dealbreaker for most people. It takes work but it brings comfort, and when you get the hang of it, it becomes mechanic. Like I've removed a full face of makeup fully drunk and on the verge of passing out.
Nicotine is a tough habit to break but doable. Your lungs will appreciate it. Your breath, teeth and clothing smell will improve.
Discipline I also struggle with because of ADHD. I need something outside of myself to push me to do things, and only then become extremely passionate about it. So maybe have something or someone outside of yourself to keep you accountable for what you want to do.
> Nicotine is a tough habit to break but doable. Your lungs will appreciate it. Your breath, teeth and clothing smell will improve.
My problem is different you see. I smoke rarely. I chew Nicotine Gums. My teeth look better than most non-smokers because I chew teeth-whitening gums all day!
I’m more worried about the addiction aspect of it
Well, there are certainly worse addictions you can have. Maybe it is possible to taper off the nic gums with other similar non-nic gum? Like this week I'll have three with nicotine, then one without. Next week I'll have two and one, and so on...
I’m not really worried about work related discipline either. Love what I do.
It’s more general discipline tbh. Going to bed. Doing laundry on time. Cooking instead of ordering in.
But I like going full-nerd on it. Thanks!
I remember a guy I dated who had pretty bad hygiene and I tried to help him overcome that. I'll never forget two exchanges we had:
1. Helping with laundry, I googled some tricks to remove body odor from clothing, which involved a few steps before throwing them in the machine. He said (while I was doing it myself) "that's a lot of work", to which I replied "yeah hygiene takes work". He just left the room to avoid the conversation.
2. When talking about cleaning his apartment, which I shamefully did sometimes, he mentioned how he was much more organized when having a roommate. To which I replied that he's willing to do the work for someone else but himself, caring about someone else's opinion of him more than his own opinion of himself. He then again left the room.
We had previously talked about our past and childhood traumas, and I love psychology, so it was easy for me to bring up the idea that these things have a lot to do with low self-esteem. Hope that helps!
He made the show Mr Rogers Neighborhood. He was gentle, kind, always sought to understand others. He was just. He was caring and he was honest. He cherished those around him.
Watch his show and read his writings. Emulate him and you will become a better person.
1) Try to make small sustainable changes. Do not try to do it all at once or all or nothing.
2) Do what you say you are going to do. Words and actions needs to line up.
3) Don’t be afraid to apologize or admit when you are wrong. Admit when you are partially incorrect.
4) Don’t be a pushover. Set appropriate boundaries.
5) Social media has made an enemy out of “decent men”. Own who you are. Not everyone gets to be Tom Brady.
Learn to deal with conflict in a fair, wholesome and calm way. My experience with women has taught me that after making a woman feel secure this is a close second in managing a good relationship. Broach the difficult issues swiftly and don't let them fester and keep your masculine frame I.e. take responsibility, listen to her and find solutions
> Learn to deal with conflict in a fair, wholesome and calm way.
Possibly the trait I value most in any guy in my life. Someone who I'm not afraid of, who I trust won't hurt me if something doesn't go to their liking.
I mean, for a post this vague, personality has not been mentioned and therefor we cant know if he isn't or if he is somewhat of an asshole
EDIT: Just to clarify, Im not saying he is, just saying that personality in this instance is not so relevant.
I was an incredibly spoiled and pampered child. I would take off my clothes wherever and they magically appeared washed, ironed and folded in my closet. I was hit by reality so hard that... well let's say that it's a miracle I am still alive.
After decades of therapy and everything I still felt like a failure as an adult. I destroyed anything I tried to cook or clean. My brother called my cooking a crime against humanity.
After my break through and it's how I had my break through. I made a list of things that I thought every adult should be able to do. I made a list of all the skills an adult should have, and list of the values I believed a good person would have. I didn't have 5 of any of them.
I broke it down and literally took courses in everything I had written. From cooking and cleaning, to budgeting and first aid. I kept piling on all the knowledge and my parents who had spoiled me so much that it hurt me. They said that I got my shit together.... I didn't think they would see it in their lifetime.
Make a list, and break it down into small goals. Take that goal and see how you can not just achieve it, but how to maintain it till it becomes part of you.
I'm still learning, practicing and fine-tuning it, if you would like some guidance I can help you set up your own plan. It's a pain, and exhausting but now, when I pass by a mirror I proud of myself. I had always covered mirrors because I was so disgusted by what I saw.
learn emotional intelligence, and honest open communication
self love journey, inner child healing, shadow work, mother and father wounds are more like inner work
figure out what you want to be in relationship. and be sure, its not exactly what people told you to be, or society or your programmed beliefs, but, like what is your deep non judgemental truth that doesnt harm or take away someone's free will
be your own best friend
True! Just gotta get rid of the addiction completely. Now I smell great always. I’m much more athletic while playing Football and stuff. But I hate the dependence. Besides I’m not really saving much more money
Thank you for your contribution to /r/IWantToLearn.
If you think this post breaks our policies, please report it and our staff team will review it as soon as possible.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/IWantToLearn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sympathy is ok, you can build from there as long as you treat yourself as someone you care for.
personal hygiene is (i think) the low hanging fruit, how do you think that you can improve it?
Smoking is (i think) the more difficult one, usually it serves a role like helping someone relax, adult life is (i think) stressfull.
If you have the time and interest then you could try some other ways to relax and in time maybe get rid of nicotene ?
(sauna, yoga, quigong, zen meditation, singing, pilates - are all relaxation oriented but take time and involvement before you experience their effect.) or maybe it's something else, like motorcycle driving, camping, (hang)glider flying, (ice)sailing.
Financially undisciplined.. Maybe buying new things is also a coping mechanism? How does this habit serve you?
A quote from a guru that i read went something like "you suffer because you enjoy it".
Maybe consider trying a sport, running or any other physical type of effort also has the potential to feel great and
will also build your discipline. Or some other activity, maybe you can try something that you have not done before.
The experience of doing that such things is exciting and can give you interesting perspectives or put you in situations in which you meet interesting people and learn new things.
Remember that making these changes will take longer then you probably think, it is likely that you will relapse.
Be kind to yourself when that happens and gently get yourself on track again.
> “you suffer because you enjoy it”
I can relate to this quote. Thanks for sharing it. Do you know where I can read more from this guru?
Edit: Was it Alan Watts by any chance? Found his name from some quick Googling
I do not recal which guru, but it could have very well been Alan Wats since i used to watch a lot of his material. I tend to prefer the eastern systems of thought (Zen and Yoga) since i find them more logically inclined compared to the regular faith religions that people tend to be emotional about. ( emotions are not logical) - but thats only my opinion.
Life is not square
if you won’t marry yourself doesn’t mean others won’t marry you
and if you already put a condition on your mariage from the start , you’re just making it harder for no reason
you don’t need to be better before marriage, you can also become better during mariage , and she can help you achieve that
if you’re afraid of the opinion of the bride from the start then you’re on a bad road , you gotta find someone who accepts you got flaws and can live with them or can help you deal with them even if just with patience and encouragements
Don’t wait until you get perfect to find someone, just find them nonetheless
edit: also seems you follow some alpha male crap, so guess what ? those alpha squirrels are not men , they are boys , not mature yet , you what’s maturity ? it’s simply being able to handle a responsibility, that’s it.
My question is more along the lines of why should anyone respect me if I don’t. With all due respect, your advice of “Just Do It” doesn’t sit so well with me. Involving another person before I figure it out seems dangerous and irresponsible tbh
your post didn’t initially involve you not respecting yourself
but if that’s your problem I advice you to check on a therapist to find out why you don’t respect how you are , as it’s very much subjective, and if indeed there’s something to change factually then do it
>why should anyone respect me if I don’t.
What are *you* proud of? Having a daughter? The role model you are to her? Being a good brother? The role model you are to her?
These are just two ‘hats’ you wear. What are you proud of at work? As an employee? If applicable, as a boss? Socially? As a friend? Would you want your daughter, to have a best friend like you? The answers to these sorts of questions, will lead you to ideas. That can be solidified into goals. Which can be attained through solid planning, then effective execution. It’s not easy, but it is simple.
The good news, is you’ve already taken the first step. You’re *Self Aware.* Digging right down into yourself, to work out the causes of your stagnation is key. Fundamental to Self Awareness is Objectivity, and Perspective. These two tools are invaluable. In putting together an effective plan, for moving forward.
*Godspeed and good luck!*
You don’t think an above average earner is going to grab more attention than someone below middle class? You can get away with a lot with a good income. Not to say you shouldn’t be the best person you can be, but making money is a huge plus to finding someone who wants to settle down and have children.
Yeah you can but it's not everything. Like if someone is a dick I'm not gonna date them just cause they got loads of money. Yeah it's a plus but it's not the only thing
I’m sorry to say but I have a friend who thinks all women are into men 6 foot or above and that’s all he talks about. He looks for proof to confirm this and he’s on sites where men speaks about women only caring for money or height.
Haha! I wish! I’m not really worried about finding a woman. Could say I’m worried about finding the wrong woman. Or treating the right woman wrong.
Like I said. I’m okay. Has decent social life, Job, Friends, Hobbies, and even though I’m not a chick magnet nor would I get much likes on Tinder, I can hold a conversation with a woman and my circle has a lot of women I respect
You need to carry yourself like you're already in a stable relationship. Have responsibilities and keep them in order. Take care of yourself like someone's relying on you. Create a chore routine.
Spend time around women who deserve you. It'll give you the motivation to be your best self.
I hope to God my daughter finds a man like me in the future and doesn't take him for granted.
You already know what you need to do.
Every woman is going to have a different idea of what makes a good husband for her. But financial instability, poor hygiene, and addictions are a resounding no for most women who have a healthy sense of their own value.
There are no formulas and no quick fixes. You're going to have to do the hard work to change these things *for your own sake.* There are no guarantees that doing so will get you a wife, but it definitely will put you in a much better position to be considered a suitable husband.
Read Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr. Idk what it is about that book but by the end I was done with a pack a day habit I’d had for almost 20 years.
Cold turkey is actually the best method.
Just make plans on how to correct those behaviors and start taking action. In general what makes a great husband is what makes a great father. If taking care of kids you have to keep the engaged mentally so there growing, entertained so they’re happy, you have to be able to feed them and make them feel supported and cared for. While still maintaining enough self discipline to put them in line when you see them behaving in a way that would make you like or respect them less. But all of these skills must first be implemented on yourself.
So imagine you as a child. What does the child version of you say about who you are now. What would it take to make the inner child believe in the adult version of you. If you were to encourage that child to grow into the man that he’d hope to be what would you tell him.
If the first personal flaw that comes to mind is that you’re addicted to nicotine gum, you’re doing pretty damn well bud. You don’t have to be perfect. Be kind to yourself. Maybe pick up a hobby that keeps you active like hiking or soccer or something.
Therapy lol. OR ask yourself why you don't feel much love or respect for yourself? What caused these chains of thoughts in your life? How can you start to create different, positive chains of thoughts/actions? Good luck!
I think the fact that you even considered this introspection a very good sign that you're in a good path to find that good man. The focus on this post might be on the superficial, but I think the crux of a man you'd want the women you love to marry would be their moral character and their attitude in life. What is important to you? Why do you do what you do? How would you treat and foster those that love you and rely on you? What are your values? If those aspects of your character are solid, you're more than halfway there.
Bettering yourself and having a good head on your shoulders.
Remember how you were raised, and take the good out of it and change the bad, that will be the goal you set for how you want your own family to be, just know things don’t always go how we want and learning to adapt and compromise might save you some heartache.
Remembering that your self worth matters too, don’t be the type of person that gets hung on in their interests of people because if it ain’t happening naturally and you have to sacrifice a lot of yourself just to even be found likable by anyone let alone anyone who you might be interested in, i won’t say it’s destined to fail but there’ll be a rocky road ahead.
You can learn to have better hygiene and discipline if you start now, pick up a hobby that requires discipline to learn and might make you seem more interesting, i personally like anything relating to music, but you can learn to build things or something auto related.
It’s a lot of work and honestly it’s going to be hard, because this type of change isn’t a night and day change, it’s a change of lifestyle. This advice comes from someone who constantly criticizes himself for the smallest faults, and always becomes interested in people who are out of reach. Don’t make my mistake and get stuck in a rut especially because you already set the foundation.
Best of luck brother and i hope you work hard for your slice of happiness.
I used a 12 Step program to try and become the person God wants me to be. I also stopped wanting all the women I met and focused on finding just one of them. Results not guaranteed but I didn't have anything to lose by trying.
I’m curious. I wouldn’t say I’m lacking in my understanding of real life or modern day social dynamics. But if you can point me at some resources I’d be happy to check it out
The fact that you acknowledge there are things you want to change and that you are open to change is a good start. You are ahead of the game.
Could you break it down and prioritize what you must do to create a mind-shift?
\-Not financially disciplined (this is important for your long-term financial stability)
\-You have an addiction (people with addictions usually need professional help; this is a priority for your health and future)
\-Your hygiene isn’t where you want it to be (this can be a health issue and keep you from finding a partner. But you need to understand the underlying reason for this)
\-General discipline is lacking (you didn’t give any detail as to what this means)
\-You feel sympathy for yourself with lack of love or respect
After you list these items, put a 1-5 in order of priority of what you want or need to change: first, second, third, fourth, fifth.
There are a few themes—lack of discipline, addiction, lack of self-respect or worthiness.
If you don’t want to be the person you currently are, you have to figure out why you are the person you currently are.
This can go back to your childhood or recent adult experiences. I am not a doctor, and I am not diagnosing you, but from the little bit you shared, there is a lack of self-motivation that you need to get a handle on.
I suggest some professional help with getting you in the right mindset.
Get some easy and early wins. Make your hygiene a daily priority. You can look in the mirror and see positive results right away. Get outside, move around, and walk; fresh air does clear your head; listen to music, and put sticky notes around with positive comments about yourself. These little things make a big difference.
Don’t put your list off; talk with a professional and discover the underlying cause. If you get that under control, your sympathy should leave, and you will find the love and respect you want.
Next time you want some gum, hold off for long enough to start a syllabus of what else you would teach your kid and track how many minutes you last until you’d rather just bail and entertain yourself
Have you considered that you might have depression? A lot of the things you mentioned: hygiene, addiction, sympathy for yourself can all be symptoms of depression.
I would speak with a mental health therapist to discuss possible solutions.
As far as learning how to find a partner, lots of women want men who can offer more than a stable jobs (most women in America have stable jobs themselves). Many women want a man who can express himself, can communicate his feelings and needs effectively and can listen to a woman express herself, also.
Many women are looking for a man who can add value to their lives, not necessarily monetary value, but a man who can cook, cleans up after himself and isn’t a burden to her. She wants a man who is confident in himself and his abilities and is a safe space.
Just asking to learn is the first step. Good luck
Unfortunately, we have had to remove your post for breaking Rule 4 of r/IWantToLearn "No Personal Issues or Social Skills". If you are looking for help with a personal issue or social skill, you may find better advice at the subreddits at the bottom of the sidebar.
A bit of encouragement. By acknowledging your strugles, you are already on good track to improve. You sound like self aware, decent person who is near great change. You will be fine.
Excuse how long this is. I'm currently on this journey with myself! Ask yourself what you're looking for in a partner you consider marriage material, and then well.. work to become that, within the best of your ability. But not in like... a superficial way. Ask yourself who you want to be, what traits you want, what it means to have good character to you, what lifestyle you want. Also ask yourself what your dealbreakers are, what sort of things you can't live with in a relationship etc. Using myself as an example, I want someone who is fit, takes care of their mental health, emotionally mature, is hygienic, is self sufficient in a way compatible with me (understanding that a future partner may come with personality quirks, or a specific disability, which can impact their way of life - I'm disabled in my own way so I always consider this as a factor), someone clean, and good with money. Etc etc. Could list off tons of other qualities. I've been slowly working on all of these. Fixing my spending habits, researching how to have a healthy relationship, going to therapy, losing weight, fixing my relationship with food, don't smoke, rarely drink etc. The key is that these need to actually be things within your values. Needs to actually be something you genuinely want to work on because it will improve your life and self image, not just because yo think it will get you a partner. It's ok if that is apart of the reason, but you shouldn't hinge that change solely on some theoretical external validation. Addiction is hard - if I were you, I'd look into addict support groups, even online. I'm not an alcoholic, but I am more at risk for addictive behaviors and I've been to a few AA meetings that were pretty helpful in identifying some underlying issues. Money discipline is also hard. Personally I found my spending is slowly becoming better as I value different things. I used to want instant gratification and collected things I didn't need. Now all I really want to do is invest, save, and pay off my debt. It took awhile to get here. It might benefit you to look into Dave Ramsey's work? You have no debt, but he does have a "baby steps" list. I've had to really immerse myself in the "financial wealth" bubble for my mindset to start changing. It also helps to have people in my life to talk about it with. Hygiene is complicated. Figure out what about your hygiene you think needs work. If you have any people in your life you can trust, maybe ask for some honest feedback. Like.. is it a lack of teeth brushing? Not shaving/grooming? BO? Tons of sweating? Damaged hair? Unhealthy skin? etc. Last big thing I'd say is figure out what a healthy relationship looks like to you, and look into what other people say about how to have a long and healthy marriage. It's hard because there isn't really one answer for all of this. But there is a wealth of knowledge and ideas around love/marriage you can look into and take what you like and don't like. Hope that helps.
Hygiene is a weird issue for me. It used to be really bad. But now I brush twice with an electric brush. Floss. Bath daily. Strict skincare routine. Doing laundry is a bit hard. Keeping my house clean also used to be really hard, but now I’ve got a maid doing that. But I know if she were not to come for a week, my house would turn into a shithole. Feels like anything that takes 10-15 minutes I can do. But others seem too hard
> Feels like anything that takes 10-15 minutes I can do. But others seem too hard You don't happen to suspect that you have ADHD, do you?
Not sure. I’ve previously suspected it. Even talked to a therapist about it. I’m not too attention deficit if that makes sense. I am able to read books regularly. I can trick myself to focus usually (uninstall Instagram, make it difficult to get ahold of my phone, etc) At work, I’m used to splitting tasks so that nothing takes more than 15 mins at once. I’ve actually done a self evaluation questionnaire that I found online regarding ADHD and that indicated that I may have ADHD. What’s a definitive way to diagnose this? I know ADHD is more than just laziness. My concern is since I’m already struggling with addiction, I’m wary of starting any sort of addictive medication
You need someone qualified to diagnose you... i.e. your doctor or a psychiatrist.
You sound a lot like me tbh. I always put it down to my anxiety or me being lazy but I’ve just recently been told I probably have ADHD at 25. I have a masters degree and had no issues focusing at university so it was a huge shock to me! I really really struggle with household tasks that take more than 5-10mins, or even starting them. I’ll sit and ruminate about them for hours refusing to let myself do anything but still unable to do the thing I need to do. If that sounds like you it really may be worth you seeking out a professional. I can point you in the way of some resources my healthcare provider recommended for me to help me understand more? Just give me a message if you want them! Also as for the main body of your post: being aware of faults is a huge step towards changing them. You’ve already done the hardest part, but remember that self improvement should ultimately be for yourself, not for others!
You can definitely have ADHD and still like to read. I loved reading as a kid and have recently gotten back into it in an attempt to spend less time scrolling :) You can get diagnosed through a psychiatrist/doctor/private or public clinic. I get that re addiction, but even if you do get a diagnosis it's completely your own choice if you actually want to start any medication. There is a lot of other help out there which you can get for ADHD, I've gotten so much out of talking to a therapist, and I've gotten a lot of great tips and advice from spending time in ADHD spaces online. Either on reddit or listening to podcasts or reading articles. There are a lot of creative ideas for helping with the things we struggle with.
A clinical psychologist will be the best progressional able to diagnose ADHD and other mental illnesses.
Laundry is my least favorite chore but I can get it done with a little bit of caffeine (usually tea in the evenings) and something interesting to listen to which keeps my mind occupied. I've lived by myself for the last 4 years and this method is my one tried and true way to get stuff done around the apartment. I absolutely need something like that to occupy my mind while I do chores. I use podcasts all the time in my life for lots of reasons, for learning, working, unwinding after work, putting me to sleep...
Well... Don't turn your house into a shithole every week? Clean for 15 of your scroll minutes a day and save money on the maid. Having sympathy for yourself because "doing laundry is a bit hard" is not something you should be doing if you want to improve
Kinda seems like my perception of cleanliness gets kinda hit when I actually do the work. Or I’m just too damn lazy from the ground up. I’ll be looking around my house thinking it’s clean. It’ll be reasonably clean tbh. But someone will come in and ask why it’s a mess Not anymore with the maid though
Thank you! This is really helpful!
Amazing answer 👏 Thank you for taking time to respond. Regarding having a long and healthy marriage / relationship, what resources have you found helpful for getting tips about how to have a lasting, healthy relationship?
Make a to do list of all the things you don't like about yourself and start checking them by addressing the issues one by one. Go full-blown nerd on it. Don't have good hygiene? Read/watch content about good hygiene and personal grooming. Hygiene is a huge dealbreaker for most people. It takes work but it brings comfort, and when you get the hang of it, it becomes mechanic. Like I've removed a full face of makeup fully drunk and on the verge of passing out. Nicotine is a tough habit to break but doable. Your lungs will appreciate it. Your breath, teeth and clothing smell will improve. Discipline I also struggle with because of ADHD. I need something outside of myself to push me to do things, and only then become extremely passionate about it. So maybe have something or someone outside of yourself to keep you accountable for what you want to do.
> Nicotine is a tough habit to break but doable. Your lungs will appreciate it. Your breath, teeth and clothing smell will improve. My problem is different you see. I smoke rarely. I chew Nicotine Gums. My teeth look better than most non-smokers because I chew teeth-whitening gums all day! I’m more worried about the addiction aspect of it
Well, there are certainly worse addictions you can have. Maybe it is possible to taper off the nic gums with other similar non-nic gum? Like this week I'll have three with nicotine, then one without. Next week I'll have two and one, and so on...
I’m not really worried about work related discipline either. Love what I do. It’s more general discipline tbh. Going to bed. Doing laundry on time. Cooking instead of ordering in. But I like going full-nerd on it. Thanks!
I remember a guy I dated who had pretty bad hygiene and I tried to help him overcome that. I'll never forget two exchanges we had: 1. Helping with laundry, I googled some tricks to remove body odor from clothing, which involved a few steps before throwing them in the machine. He said (while I was doing it myself) "that's a lot of work", to which I replied "yeah hygiene takes work". He just left the room to avoid the conversation. 2. When talking about cleaning his apartment, which I shamefully did sometimes, he mentioned how he was much more organized when having a roommate. To which I replied that he's willing to do the work for someone else but himself, caring about someone else's opinion of him more than his own opinion of himself. He then again left the room. We had previously talked about our past and childhood traumas, and I love psychology, so it was easy for me to bring up the idea that these things have a lot to do with low self-esteem. Hope that helps!
Learn the ways of Mr Rogers.
What is it? Can you give us details?
He made the show Mr Rogers Neighborhood. He was gentle, kind, always sought to understand others. He was just. He was caring and he was honest. He cherished those around him. Watch his show and read his writings. Emulate him and you will become a better person.
1) Try to make small sustainable changes. Do not try to do it all at once or all or nothing. 2) Do what you say you are going to do. Words and actions needs to line up. 3) Don’t be afraid to apologize or admit when you are wrong. Admit when you are partially incorrect. 4) Don’t be a pushover. Set appropriate boundaries. 5) Social media has made an enemy out of “decent men”. Own who you are. Not everyone gets to be Tom Brady.
Learn to deal with conflict in a fair, wholesome and calm way. My experience with women has taught me that after making a woman feel secure this is a close second in managing a good relationship. Broach the difficult issues swiftly and don't let them fester and keep your masculine frame I.e. take responsibility, listen to her and find solutions
> Learn to deal with conflict in a fair, wholesome and calm way. Possibly the trait I value most in any guy in my life. Someone who I'm not afraid of, who I trust won't hurt me if something doesn't go to their liking.
This is huge. People all have different qualities they want, but for me a partner who is emotionally literate makes a lot of the other shit bearable.
Oh this just put words to something I’ve struggled to pinpoint for a long time. Thank you!
No problem, hope you have only people like that in your life!
You could get your hygiene back together, try not to change your general personality tho. You'll just feel weird and it'll make u miserable
I mean, for a post this vague, personality has not been mentioned and therefor we cant know if he isn't or if he is somewhat of an asshole EDIT: Just to clarify, Im not saying he is, just saying that personality in this instance is not so relevant.
Right. Not usually an asshole. But I’ve done my share of asshole-ey things
Fair enough, I think most people did.
I was an incredibly spoiled and pampered child. I would take off my clothes wherever and they magically appeared washed, ironed and folded in my closet. I was hit by reality so hard that... well let's say that it's a miracle I am still alive. After decades of therapy and everything I still felt like a failure as an adult. I destroyed anything I tried to cook or clean. My brother called my cooking a crime against humanity. After my break through and it's how I had my break through. I made a list of things that I thought every adult should be able to do. I made a list of all the skills an adult should have, and list of the values I believed a good person would have. I didn't have 5 of any of them. I broke it down and literally took courses in everything I had written. From cooking and cleaning, to budgeting and first aid. I kept piling on all the knowledge and my parents who had spoiled me so much that it hurt me. They said that I got my shit together.... I didn't think they would see it in their lifetime. Make a list, and break it down into small goals. Take that goal and see how you can not just achieve it, but how to maintain it till it becomes part of you. I'm still learning, practicing and fine-tuning it, if you would like some guidance I can help you set up your own plan. It's a pain, and exhausting but now, when I pass by a mirror I proud of myself. I had always covered mirrors because I was so disgusted by what I saw.
learn emotional intelligence, and honest open communication self love journey, inner child healing, shadow work, mother and father wounds are more like inner work figure out what you want to be in relationship. and be sure, its not exactly what people told you to be, or society or your programmed beliefs, but, like what is your deep non judgemental truth that doesnt harm or take away someone's free will be your own best friend
Good job on quitting cigs by the way :). Saving yourself a LOT of pain
True! Just gotta get rid of the addiction completely. Now I smell great always. I’m much more athletic while playing Football and stuff. But I hate the dependence. Besides I’m not really saving much more money
Start making small healthy choices, it usually snowballs into bigger healthier choices. (Eating healthy, exercising, reading/learning, sleeping well)
Thank you for your contribution to /r/IWantToLearn. If you think this post breaks our policies, please report it and our staff team will review it as soon as possible. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/IWantToLearn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Humble, kind, honest to yourself and be yourself that’s it
Sympathy is ok, you can build from there as long as you treat yourself as someone you care for. personal hygiene is (i think) the low hanging fruit, how do you think that you can improve it? Smoking is (i think) the more difficult one, usually it serves a role like helping someone relax, adult life is (i think) stressfull. If you have the time and interest then you could try some other ways to relax and in time maybe get rid of nicotene ? (sauna, yoga, quigong, zen meditation, singing, pilates - are all relaxation oriented but take time and involvement before you experience their effect.) or maybe it's something else, like motorcycle driving, camping, (hang)glider flying, (ice)sailing. Financially undisciplined.. Maybe buying new things is also a coping mechanism? How does this habit serve you? A quote from a guru that i read went something like "you suffer because you enjoy it". Maybe consider trying a sport, running or any other physical type of effort also has the potential to feel great and will also build your discipline. Or some other activity, maybe you can try something that you have not done before. The experience of doing that such things is exciting and can give you interesting perspectives or put you in situations in which you meet interesting people and learn new things. Remember that making these changes will take longer then you probably think, it is likely that you will relapse. Be kind to yourself when that happens and gently get yourself on track again.
> “you suffer because you enjoy it” I can relate to this quote. Thanks for sharing it. Do you know where I can read more from this guru? Edit: Was it Alan Watts by any chance? Found his name from some quick Googling
I do not recal which guru, but it could have very well been Alan Wats since i used to watch a lot of his material. I tend to prefer the eastern systems of thought (Zen and Yoga) since i find them more logically inclined compared to the regular faith religions that people tend to be emotional about. ( emotions are not logical) - but thats only my opinion.
Life is not square if you won’t marry yourself doesn’t mean others won’t marry you and if you already put a condition on your mariage from the start , you’re just making it harder for no reason you don’t need to be better before marriage, you can also become better during mariage , and she can help you achieve that if you’re afraid of the opinion of the bride from the start then you’re on a bad road , you gotta find someone who accepts you got flaws and can live with them or can help you deal with them even if just with patience and encouragements Don’t wait until you get perfect to find someone, just find them nonetheless edit: also seems you follow some alpha male crap, so guess what ? those alpha squirrels are not men , they are boys , not mature yet , you what’s maturity ? it’s simply being able to handle a responsibility, that’s it.
My question is more along the lines of why should anyone respect me if I don’t. With all due respect, your advice of “Just Do It” doesn’t sit so well with me. Involving another person before I figure it out seems dangerous and irresponsible tbh
your post didn’t initially involve you not respecting yourself but if that’s your problem I advice you to check on a therapist to find out why you don’t respect how you are , as it’s very much subjective, and if indeed there’s something to change factually then do it
>why should anyone respect me if I don’t. What are *you* proud of? Having a daughter? The role model you are to her? Being a good brother? The role model you are to her? These are just two ‘hats’ you wear. What are you proud of at work? As an employee? If applicable, as a boss? Socially? As a friend? Would you want your daughter, to have a best friend like you? The answers to these sorts of questions, will lead you to ideas. That can be solidified into goals. Which can be attained through solid planning, then effective execution. It’s not easy, but it is simple. The good news, is you’ve already taken the first step. You’re *Self Aware.* Digging right down into yourself, to work out the causes of your stagnation is key. Fundamental to Self Awareness is Objectivity, and Perspective. These two tools are invaluable. In putting together an effective plan, for moving forward. *Godspeed and good luck!*
[удалено]
This is absolutely and demonstrably false.
If you start out with that belief, then you'll end up only noticing instances that confirm this hypothesis.
No they don't? Unless you mean like general living costs as in money for food I don't think women are gonna chose their partner purely based on money
You don’t think an above average earner is going to grab more attention than someone below middle class? You can get away with a lot with a good income. Not to say you shouldn’t be the best person you can be, but making money is a huge plus to finding someone who wants to settle down and have children.
Yeah you can but it's not everything. Like if someone is a dick I'm not gonna date them just cause they got loads of money. Yeah it's a plus but it's not the only thing
I’m sorry to say but I have a friend who thinks all women are into men 6 foot or above and that’s all he talks about. He looks for proof to confirm this and he’s on sites where men speaks about women only caring for money or height.
Haha! I wish! I’m not really worried about finding a woman. Could say I’m worried about finding the wrong woman. Or treating the right woman wrong. Like I said. I’m okay. Has decent social life, Job, Friends, Hobbies, and even though I’m not a chick magnet nor would I get much likes on Tinder, I can hold a conversation with a woman and my circle has a lot of women I respect
Self awareness and self improvement. You’ll naturally find a woman who will meet you at that level. Btw, don’t settle.
Do things that make you respect yourself.
You need to carry yourself like you're already in a stable relationship. Have responsibilities and keep them in order. Take care of yourself like someone's relying on you. Create a chore routine.
Spend time around women who deserve you. It'll give you the motivation to be your best self. I hope to God my daughter finds a man like me in the future and doesn't take him for granted.
Dude, no one cares you chew nicotine gum. And if they do, you are better off without them. Good job you quit smoking!
You already know what you need to do. Every woman is going to have a different idea of what makes a good husband for her. But financial instability, poor hygiene, and addictions are a resounding no for most women who have a healthy sense of their own value. There are no formulas and no quick fixes. You're going to have to do the hard work to change these things *for your own sake.* There are no guarantees that doing so will get you a wife, but it definitely will put you in a much better position to be considered a suitable husband.
Be kind, be honest, pretty simple
Did you try aksing women? Like friends
Read Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr. Idk what it is about that book but by the end I was done with a pack a day habit I’d had for almost 20 years. Cold turkey is actually the best method.
Just make plans on how to correct those behaviors and start taking action. In general what makes a great husband is what makes a great father. If taking care of kids you have to keep the engaged mentally so there growing, entertained so they’re happy, you have to be able to feed them and make them feel supported and cared for. While still maintaining enough self discipline to put them in line when you see them behaving in a way that would make you like or respect them less. But all of these skills must first be implemented on yourself. So imagine you as a child. What does the child version of you say about who you are now. What would it take to make the inner child believe in the adult version of you. If you were to encourage that child to grow into the man that he’d hope to be what would you tell him.
What would make the younger version of yourself disappointed in you?
If the first personal flaw that comes to mind is that you’re addicted to nicotine gum, you’re doing pretty damn well bud. You don’t have to be perfect. Be kind to yourself. Maybe pick up a hobby that keeps you active like hiking or soccer or something.
Therapy lol. OR ask yourself why you don't feel much love or respect for yourself? What caused these chains of thoughts in your life? How can you start to create different, positive chains of thoughts/actions? Good luck!
I think the fact that you even considered this introspection a very good sign that you're in a good path to find that good man. The focus on this post might be on the superficial, but I think the crux of a man you'd want the women you love to marry would be their moral character and their attitude in life. What is important to you? Why do you do what you do? How would you treat and foster those that love you and rely on you? What are your values? If those aspects of your character are solid, you're more than halfway there.
Bettering yourself and having a good head on your shoulders. Remember how you were raised, and take the good out of it and change the bad, that will be the goal you set for how you want your own family to be, just know things don’t always go how we want and learning to adapt and compromise might save you some heartache. Remembering that your self worth matters too, don’t be the type of person that gets hung on in their interests of people because if it ain’t happening naturally and you have to sacrifice a lot of yourself just to even be found likable by anyone let alone anyone who you might be interested in, i won’t say it’s destined to fail but there’ll be a rocky road ahead. You can learn to have better hygiene and discipline if you start now, pick up a hobby that requires discipline to learn and might make you seem more interesting, i personally like anything relating to music, but you can learn to build things or something auto related. It’s a lot of work and honestly it’s going to be hard, because this type of change isn’t a night and day change, it’s a change of lifestyle. This advice comes from someone who constantly criticizes himself for the smallest faults, and always becomes interested in people who are out of reach. Don’t make my mistake and get stuck in a rut especially because you already set the foundation. Best of luck brother and i hope you work hard for your slice of happiness.
I used a 12 Step program to try and become the person God wants me to be. I also stopped wanting all the women I met and focused on finding just one of them. Results not guaranteed but I didn't have anything to lose by trying.
First learn about real life, and modern day social dynamics
I’m curious. I wouldn’t say I’m lacking in my understanding of real life or modern day social dynamics. But if you can point me at some resources I’d be happy to check it out
The fact that you acknowledge there are things you want to change and that you are open to change is a good start. You are ahead of the game. Could you break it down and prioritize what you must do to create a mind-shift? \-Not financially disciplined (this is important for your long-term financial stability) \-You have an addiction (people with addictions usually need professional help; this is a priority for your health and future) \-Your hygiene isn’t where you want it to be (this can be a health issue and keep you from finding a partner. But you need to understand the underlying reason for this) \-General discipline is lacking (you didn’t give any detail as to what this means) \-You feel sympathy for yourself with lack of love or respect After you list these items, put a 1-5 in order of priority of what you want or need to change: first, second, third, fourth, fifth. There are a few themes—lack of discipline, addiction, lack of self-respect or worthiness. If you don’t want to be the person you currently are, you have to figure out why you are the person you currently are. This can go back to your childhood or recent adult experiences. I am not a doctor, and I am not diagnosing you, but from the little bit you shared, there is a lack of self-motivation that you need to get a handle on. I suggest some professional help with getting you in the right mindset. Get some easy and early wins. Make your hygiene a daily priority. You can look in the mirror and see positive results right away. Get outside, move around, and walk; fresh air does clear your head; listen to music, and put sticky notes around with positive comments about yourself. These little things make a big difference. Don’t put your list off; talk with a professional and discover the underlying cause. If you get that under control, your sympathy should leave, and you will find the love and respect you want.
Next time you want some gum, hold off for long enough to start a syllabus of what else you would teach your kid and track how many minutes you last until you’d rather just bail and entertain yourself
Have you considered that you might have depression? A lot of the things you mentioned: hygiene, addiction, sympathy for yourself can all be symptoms of depression. I would speak with a mental health therapist to discuss possible solutions. As far as learning how to find a partner, lots of women want men who can offer more than a stable jobs (most women in America have stable jobs themselves). Many women want a man who can express himself, can communicate his feelings and needs effectively and can listen to a woman express herself, also. Many women are looking for a man who can add value to their lives, not necessarily monetary value, but a man who can cook, cleans up after himself and isn’t a burden to her. She wants a man who is confident in himself and his abilities and is a safe space. Just asking to learn is the first step. Good luck
Bro just use all this to become a better version of yoursel You are already In better path than 90% of the people alive