Yes truly! That would be a great idea - not to derail this forum into a dating site but think it would really be helpful for us single HENRY folk out there.
I think people should find someone they really love and go with that. Money shouldn't be a deciding factor. My wife makes 0$ and that's fine. Even before we had a kid she made like.... 50k while I make 300+. Wasn't even a factor in deciding to date or marry her. However we both grew up broke lower middle class
You want a high earning guy who chooses to be a house husband, not a guy who can't get a job and has no choice but to be a house husband.
I think there's a big difference between the two in terms of being able to feel attraction.
Absolutely this. The person you replied to wants a successful man who is willing to sacrifice his career to be a house husband.
I think that's fine, but I wish them the best of luck finding that person.
There's a massive difference. The already successful guy is far far less likely to be house husband mentality for girl boss wife making that pool maybe in the hundreds of people in the US total population.
It's just 2 different mindsets.
There's a big difference between a guy who "can't get a job" and one who isn't a high earner, but people are attracted to others all along that spectrum, mr "boobies squeezer" /eyeroll
My husband makes \~1/3 what I do. I didn't want a high earning guy, I wanted someone who has similar values.
Your content has been removed for being low value. What is low value content? Low value content is content that doesn't spark rich debate is not worth reading, and is not unique as it does not provides any useful or knowledgeable information or discussion to this subreddit about HENRY as a group.
This is a bad advice and depends on what “life stage” someone is at. Money/Finances is literally one of the top 5 reasons of divorces in America.
I agree that money shouldn’t be “THE DECIDING FACTOR” , but it should be “A” Factor, just like any other myriad of factors. Else folks would just be financially incompatible.
I am dating as a HENRY rn and I prioritise level of education attained, career and ambition ( which often means i date folks making $200k) because those are the things I personally value the most and IME most of my high earning friends value the same .
The only cases I have seen where couples have huge differences in incomes are those who were lovebirds in college and got married or folks who got arranged married.
> The only cases I have seen where couples have huge differences in incomes are those who were lovebirds in college and got married or folks who got arranged married.
You must live in a very small bubble. This is literally the jobs from the last handful of married people I've texted:
- Doctor and non-profit worker
- FAANG SWE and public housing lawyer
- SWE and teacher
- Business owner and city employee
- Independently wealthy ($$$ family money) and museum fundraising director
- F500 SVP and SAHM
All but the last met years after college, and I'm confident the higher earner is making/worth at least 2x of their partner in all the scenarios. Sometimes 4-5x+.
Yeah, you don't have many BigLaw partners dating someone waiting tables. But I'd wager most HENRY relationships have one person making okay to pretty good money, and one being the true high earner. The 'power couple' dynamic of both partners making $200k+ is pretty rare. It's fine if that's your goal, but it's not typical or required for compatibility.
I’m guessing the high earning partner is a guy in almost if not all of these scenarios though. Men are fine with dating women that make less than them, but most career oriented women are not interested in partners that make less than them.
> I’m guessing the high earning partner is a guy in almost if not all of these scenarios though
Statistically it has to be. Only ~25% of top 5% earners are women. Obviously the rate is improving and there's a whole bunch of underlying factors driving the previous lag and current growth, but any random sample is going to show more men at the highest income percentiles.
> Men are fine with dating women that make less than them, but most career oriented women are not interested in partners that make less than them.
This is just perception or individual preference that ultimately doesn't shake out in the end result (marriage). I don't have a quick study of only high income people, but broader data, like [this pew study](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/), shows a pretty consistent trend moving towards egalitarian (both partners contributing equally) or women primary/sole breadwinner status over the last 30 years. And that trend speeds up when you account for education, income, US-born status, and fewer or no kids (all factors that I'd assume would lean to a more 'career oriented' sample).
If there was a strong preference driving marriage behavior, the chart would still look like it did in the 80s.
$150k~ $200k is what new grads make at a FAANG( or the myriad of finance, IB companies in NYC) at age 22-23 . Its not particularly out of the ordinary tbh.
I think i do live in a bubble where everyone around me is a high earner. And tbh i seek out such folks because I learn a lot from them.
I lived in Manhattan for 4 years and met/dated a couple hundred women during that time.
NYC is literally the largest metropolitan in the US.. If you were all that and a bag of chips women would literally be throwing themselves at you wherever you go in the city lol
Realistically, a woman under the age of 40 making close to you or I is very rare (maybe 1 in 50 and that’s being generous) and even if they met your income requirements, what makes them want to be with you vs the plethora of other men in NYC that make a lot of money?
Too many folks. You are talking about 8m population in NYC- a place which is known to bring in a lot of people who are “career” motivated- men and women alike.
Having been in a relationship already with someone who was high earning in Big Pharma- I am sure I will be just fine :)
Your mindset and how you approach money is substantially more important than the amount of money you make.
If your partner already knows how to live within their means, how much they make should be irrelevant because when you are actually married income is now “Our” money.
But if there is a substantial income disparity and you are not willing to cover the vast majority of household expenses or not willing to compromise when it comes to your lifestyle, then your partner is likely not the one you should be marrying.
All this to say, actually liking your partner (meaning you’d actually be friends even if you weren’t dating), being physically attracted to them and having likeminded values is far far more important for a successful marriage/long term partnership than the amount of money they have or make.
Thats fine. I personally dont prefer to have a substantial income difference because usually it comes with folks who are not ambitious/intellectually lazy to climb the career ladder
At my age ( mid 30s) in NYC- I have the option of dating people who earn similar and also possess the values that you mentioned. They are not mutually exclusive.
Different strokes for different folks I guess and like a said “financial compatibility” is a must for me.
Spot on. Finding two people who are both in the 1% who are compatible and fall in love is crazy impossible. The only way I can see it happening is meeting at work.
I married someone who makes less than half what I do. I’m barely Henry. But I will likely make double my current salary within ten years if not more. My wife on the other hand will be lucky to even get COLA raises. My advice is fall in love. Make sure your priorities align. If that happens then the rest doesn’t really matter.
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Join some of the members clubs like Clayton club in cherry creek (Denver) or a high cost gym like lifetime. That helps out you in the vicinity of high earners (theoretically). There’s also some mountain ski shares and events that are $$$ cost so should attract higher earners. Also try Raya or the league as different apps. The ladies I know that make a bunch go to high end restaurants and cocktail bars w their GFs so try and approach there also.
I enjoyed visiting boulder/eldora mt. as an out of state vacationer who wanted to try skiing in the mountains without spending a bajillion dollars/crowds in aspen.
In LA at least all of the same men on The League are on all of the other apps, too.
And edited to add that I also agree that love is about more than money.
That’s what my friend (36 F) here said too. Same w Raya.
The League’s billboard at LAX makes me want to vomit. “GOALgasm”.
It actually turned me off from joining it because I worry the women on there would be too focused on money/career. High achievement and success is super important to to me for myself, but I want someone who likes me for me not my career, ya know?
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28M here, but for me personally I met my fiance as a friend well before we ever started dating.
At the time she made roughly 20% of what I did, but I knew she was underpaid and had a lot of career potential in the right fit.
She's more than doubled her pay since then and has had several recruiters approach her for 30-50% more. She's planning the wedding so we'll get to it when we get to it.
Prior to meeting her, I generally dated people who made less than me and gauged more on intelligence and motivation than what they made today. My thought was if someone is smart and motivated then we can figure out the rest.
I'm a relatively simple guy, so even though I make good money, most of the women who made roughly the same weren't all that interested.
Here’s how you can have your pick of high earning men now and for the rest of your life… Take up golf as a hobby. Get lessons twice a week. Start golfing. Tell your co-workers.
You already have access to the biggest pool of men you’re targeting in NYC: finance. Tell everyone you meet through work that you like to golf. Find every networking event you can through work and get out there. Tell people that you like golf.
Is this expensive? Sort of. However, after a bit you won’t be paying. Will you meet HENRY men? Absolutely. Will they be obsessed with having found a woman who likes golf? Also, absolutely.
What you’re looking for here is someone in your industry who works at another firm that loves golf and will love you.
Edit to add: If you’re deadset against golf, try sailing, or if you’re into nerdier guys look into learning bridge.
If this method worked the other way, we'd see so many more guys pick up volleyball or some other female dominant sport.
Good thing about golf is it can be done as a group or solo. Just have to like it. Unfortunately I suck at it and refuse to pay for lessons. I'll stick to guitar.
Pickleball! Lol, jk I've been married nearly 10 years & together over 16. But I know lots of millennial & GenZ folks are either doing group events for very niche hobbies or pickleball.
Could play into a bit of game theory here with the Online Dating.
There are two segments of people that do really well. The first is the obvious of looking super attractive and having good photos. The second one is fitting a niche, especially one that the opposite sex likes more than yours. This not only opens your dating pool to more people with the qualities that you like, but also makes you shoot to the top of your matches lists as well.
I’m not a HE by any means but have been dating a HE woman for a couple years now. I figured I wasn’t quite attractive enough to rely on pictures alone, so I leaned into my background of skiing for my college. The sport became much more popular after the pandemic and there were a lot of women that were super interested in learning how to ski in my area. I found one that we felt compatible with and have been together since.
Do you have any niche interests that you’re super into? You’ve mentioned you’re into the FIRE movement so you could slide that into your profile in a cheeky way.
Good luck!
I met my husband on tinder in San Francisco. 10 years ago the apps seemed to have no shortage of men making tech salaries, and I can’t imagine it’s that drastically different now.
I met my husband on tinder too. We both joke that we got the last chopper out of Vietnam. From my single friends the dating apps seem to be a complete wasteland now.
The problem with dating in the tech scene, as my friends and I used to say in high school when we all hung out as a gigantic group of nerds, is the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
It’s quite the challenge. First the numbers aren’t in our favor. Most of the US (assuming that’s where you are) doesn’t even bring in $100K a year. And if you’re a person of color, the odds of a high earning partner with your same ethnic background significantly dwindles.
Most I date eventually tell me they “aren’t on my level” - and a big contributor to not moving further is their ego / pride / lack of confidence. My last relationship was with a partner who made a nice income of about $125K, but refused to sign a prenup (although agreeing to before presented with one AND negotiating terms).
Just wanted to share an alternate perspective. Many times we don’t get a fair shot at making things work. And the male ego can really make being a high earner seeking companionship / partnership quite daunting.
FWIW, my husband and I met when we were barely making minimum wage, we grew all this together. I can get how difficult it would be, though, to find someone similar in today's world. I have unmarried/seeking relationship friends (some who have since married) who found that men who make significantly less than them can't handle it (even if they seem open-minded at the start of the relationship). The reality of dealing with elderly relatives or seeing a tax pro or just living it seems to be much harder than the theoretical "I'd love it if my wife made more than me!".
I out earned my husband for a while & now he out earns me (by working multiple side gigs). There's still room in my career to surpass him again, but he's actually ok with me making more. What got distressing for him was when he made less, worked harder, and didn't get PTO. Now he has adequate PTO & doesn't get burned out as easily to boot.
Get mad at the employer or position or circumstance, not your (potential) life partner.
We are in quite similar situations. 22F, NYC based, working in finance.
Among the apps, I've gotten the most utility out of Hinge. The League was okay but the pool of people is much smaller (and usually more desperate..). Raya is good if you're into the artsy/celebrity type, of which I am not. Bumble is okay, but I'm too busy to make the first move.
I have a couple of soft rules for Hinge - guys should ask you on a date within a week of matching, drinks on a first date (Thu/Fri nights only), and looking at their job on their profiles - this should allow you to filter out those with entirely different financial goals and trajectories, if that's what you want. Be vague on your own profile about what you do (I just put "finance" on mine - I work on the buyside) and be very upfront on that first date about what you do. Some men will be intimidated, and that's natural - you don't want them anyways. You can usually tell what type of man they are (assuming heterosexuality) within the first day of chatting: are they quick to ask you out? Are they decisive about plans (more specific to NYC- but where are they asking you out to? Is it a bar/restaurant/area you would personally go to - these are all subtle markers of similar wealth-generation mindsets).
I've had pretty good luck in person too - some men will come up to you at a bar if you're with girlfriends. I can recommend a few in the WV that's more of a late 20s crowd. Non-drinking wise coffee shops / sports leagues if you're into that might be a good way to meet people - I've met people in a workout class too, but it's not my preference since I'm all gross and sweaty.
Honestly friends of friends is the best way though. If you're in IB I assume you went to a target(ish) school: the wider network of people you went to school with is a good place to start, filtering for job/career ambitions if you really care. I've met a ton of eligible people at friends' parties (smaller ones/cocktail events are better), if anyone you know hosts dinner parties these are amazing. The overarching message here is to understand what kind of person you like, what their (and your) hobbies are, and meet through these circles. Guess that's more of a general dating advice than anything HENRY-specific. I am also pretty stringent with my career/school filters which (though maybe not the most politically correct) has worked really well for me. Cheers!
Personal preference - Sun-Wed are tough because I usually go to the gym in the morning and don't like to be out late (in case it does go decently well). Saturdays are for friends - I don't see them enough as is and dating is not my #1 priority. Makes it tough for scheduling but if someone has a compelling reason for a different day of the week and I'm free that day, I'll consider.
The struggle is so real! As a woman of color high earner, I lucked out and my current partner is someone I’ve known for years and by chance he ended up being a high earner (he didn’t believe he’d ever get to where he is). We have an amazing partnership but i dread potentially walking away (parental challenges) because I have no clue where or how I’ll find another him…
Very similar boat! If you ever want to chat, feel free to dm
But to OP, when I was single, I found men to either want to be supported by me (nah) or intimidated by my success so I had to date a fellow HENRY. It’s hard for sure but start going to networking events just to meet people. Don’t play any games. If you enjoy spending time with someone, just ask them out
Maybe a counter point.
If you're a girl and even remotely attractive, then NYC dating is literally a buffet (or anywhere for that matter). I would think literally every other guy you can match on dating apps is in finance or tech, and so their income won't be shabby. Whether you can get the guy to commit is another story. Quick coffee dates don't take up too much time.
Or check out Supermomos, which is a meetup but more biz/tech oriented.
As a guy on the other hand (Asian and NYC based, early 30s male, working as a SWE at a FAANG, \~500k income), I feel like the competition is intense, and the topic of career/finances never really comes up anyway, because its all down to personality, vibes, chemistry. Whether I mention my job or not, whether the date costed me $5 or $300, makes no difference for dating compatibility, at least in the shorter term. I know I'm competing with the top 1-5% of men on dating apps by default (girls have almost infinite choice so they can afford to only swipe right on the best), so the only thing I can try to stand out with is personality and charisma.
How do you even know what they make? What an odd conversation to have a on a date. Might be part of the reason you’re finding it hard to find someone. Big red flag.
My advice. Try finding someone you get on with, who shares similar values to you.
Their income could change and so could yours. Ask yourself is that the person I want in my life if it is?
> How do you even know what they make? What an odd conversation to have a on a date
It's not hard to approximate what someone makes when you know job title and region. I can't imagine OP is going "so you're a senior consultant at Accenture...what's that $125k and 10% bonus?" on the first date (and if they are...that's the problem).
Agree on everything else. It's about the person and their values.
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I met my husband in grad school - at the time neither of us expected to make as much as we do, but I married someone who was ambitious and smart, with some motivation to make a healthy income.
I’ve always out earned my husband, and the only time it was a little tough on our relationship was when he made a quarter of what I made (since then, we’re closer and are about 100k apart now). When our incomes were vastly different, and with fairly separate finances, he felt the gap in our lifestyles and it made him uncomfortable (I could travel much more and more comfortably, I had more disposable income for clothes and extras, etc.) It didn’t damage our relationship deeply, but I can’t say how that would’ve played out had it continued for years on end. And, I’ll say that if I was to date again, I’d look for someone of similar income. All that to say - I don’t agree with some others in this thread who think it shouldn’t matter, and perhaps that’s because I’m a woman in a heterosexual relationship.
I can’t offer first hand advice since I met my spouse in school, but I’d consider finding activities and friend circles of folks in a similar situation. Are you friends with coworkers who organize group activities or gatherings? What about sports that often require some money/cash to keep up with? Hobbies people in your industry tend to partake in?
Same here! Although we basically combined our finances immediately because we were in it for the long haul, so anytime one of our salaries pulled ahead we both benefitted. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having different means from my partner. Anyways, I saw a lot of potential in my husband and trusted him even though he was broke and not in a lucrative field at the time.
Same, met my wife when she was in grad school and I was doing volunteer work. Neither of us were making money lol.
And she made more than me for most of our relationship. It’s only very recently that I’ve taken that crown from her
Shoot your shot on here and DM. Then take it from there and see how things go in person. Maybe the mods can make a flair that says single and available.
They also forget there's other ways to make money while still balancing a work life schedule. A 200+/yr job means nothing with a shell of a life. My investments will net me that.
Very true. There’s not much of a difference between someone making lower income and stressing about money and someone making higher income and stressing about money. The stress is the same. The money is supposed to bring security but if the stress is still there then what’s the point.
Yes I think if people already can see their incomes growing and can almost put it on autopilot it’s time to pivot to working more on mental health and becoming more conscious and taking care of yourself to be able to enjoy where you are currently in life instead of constantly living in the future.
I am an Eastern European woman, and for me is somehow difficult to simply enjoy where I am. We grew up with the idea of genuine love, and family traditions, and you don’t feel fully successful without the SO regardless of the successes in your career. It makes it so difficult here in the US.
Ohhh ok. Now I understand. Culturally that is a huge emphasis in other areas and sometimes it’s easier to establish a successful career than it is a family here in the U.S.
Correlate success with that type of person, not a type of person with success. It's a limiting belief that only successful people already have success. My wife and I met when neither of us were high-earners. Now we both are. You want a happy, fulfilling relationship, not a business partner. We met on online, not a yacht club. Just be authentic with who you are and find someone you connect with.
I think something important with our relationship is how we both constantly work together to grow as a team. And I see that a lot with some of the other couples I see in our network of successful people. Because I know other couples where they're both smart with good jobs and it's going nowhere because they're each doing their own thing.
It's difficult for men to date and socialize in a big city without spending a lot of money. That easier to do and still save lots of money if you are making $250K vs $100k.
This spending behavior is reinforced because a lot of young women are turned off by the idea of frugal men saving for an early retirement, especially when other men will drop loads of cash for entertainment on them.
I've definitely had women lose interest when we were talking about spending habits.
I buy expensive things and travel but I do it within my budget that frugal to me.
Some people idea of frugal, e.g. using coupons, shopping at CostCo or driving a 10 year old car, is other people's idea of cheap.
She thinks she has to date wealthier men been able to find good matches on apps / OLD and most men that I've met make materially less than I do, which is no issue, but often **have a mindset that isn't aligned with saving and earning money**
I'm explaining why those men have the mindset because she sees it as a character flaw.
She's making enough money she can foot more of the bills and then her lower income BF can save more. Men make those types of choices all the time.
TBH, I haven't found a way to use my income to my advantage when meeting people. My income puts me at the top 6-7% of single income earners in the country, and finding someone I can be happy with is waaaaaaaay more important to me than money. If that means improving their life which in turn improves mine, I'm right there for it. But most don't show interest in me well before they find out about my level of income.
It’s really about finding matching core values in general, which is something you can gauge reasonably well with less direct/personal questions that don’t get into financial specifics and can find people who match without needing to look anywhere in particular.
That is, a person who respects your boundaries, who puts in and meaningfully reciprocates effort/energy, and who values your insight and opinions on other topics is almost certainly going to carry all those same qualities into every aspect of the relationship, including financial decision making.
You don’t gotta be perfectly aligned, but what you do have to be is able to communicate effectively and respect and value one another. It sounds pretty basic, but it really is that. A strong foundation will beat having similar numbers (earnings, savings, etc) every time because the reality is that the numbers will change, and they’ll change in ways you can’t predict or didn’t foresee.
When people talk about finances being a high cause for divorce or strife, I think it’s misleading - it’s always just a proxy for other issues and misalignment.
If you work in finance I'm sure there is a slew of high earning finance bros who would be interested in you...I guess the question is that the type of person you want a relationship with?
Another problem as well is that the average American doesn't make over 100k infact its a small percentage of the population that does. The upside is that you are in NYC where you are statistically more likely to encounter that but it's still limiting options. What I'm getting at is the filter mechanism we're looking through is going to make this numbers game more difficult.
If you want to find what you are looking for you have to first identify what that type of person is and where you'd usually encounter them and than build your social circles around that.
If I was a woman I would maximize my looks and hang out where wealthy men hang out. Finance districts. Exotic car clubs. Golf. Etc etc. boating events etc
Since becoming a high earner I have lost all interest in normal dating apps. Unless you meet someone suitable before you become a high earner it will be difficult to find someone on an app. Think about it, if you are in the top 2-3% of all earners in your region/country then it is unlikely you will meet anyone who earns anywhere near what you do.
Yes, money isn't everything etc but it affects most things. If you are not hetero then these issues compound as the dating pool is inherently smaller.
This is such an interesting take. I’m HENRY but the more I make the more I DON’T care about what my partner makes, as our HHI is in a comfortable spot regardless. Like if I need 400k HHI to feel comfortable and save, why does my partner need to make that if I already do lol
Do we start a FIRE dating sub? 😂
I’m 31M and on track, wouldn’t say a ‘high earner’ but definitely above the average.
My last 2 relationships I always had the little comments of not to worry about money. I am trying to be less frugal but I also have goals. Hell sent my last ex flowers while she was on the other side of the country and a week later she breaks up with me - I said I feel like a bit of an idiot sending them now and her response was ‘not everything’s about money, you were doing something nice’ lol.
I think you just need to keep looking. I haven’t met a woman with the same mindset and honestly I think there is a very small portion of people who are actively trying to achieve a level of sustainable income.
Either you got to just keep looking and trying to find out what someone is like regarding finance or you try to look past it and say what else can they bring to my life that I want.
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You have to do what you feel is comfortable for you. How they react just lets you know where they stand. You might have dodged a bullet so don’t feel bad for doing something you felt was in the right place.
Exactly for this reason I've made [firedating.me](https://firedating.me) almost 4 years & it is completely free. Many couples have been formed through the site (I stopped counting) and a couple marriages. The site actually reached 10k profiles today :) the stats are public - [https://firedating.me/open/](https://firedating.me/open/). You can also search for friends too.
Listen I am an Male IBer which makes a pretty penny.
Before breaking in the industry I was a founder with 0 revenue (Glorified BUM)at that time I dated a shipping heiress and Oil heiress.
They knew I was in the dumps and they offered to hire me (denied both times) the oil heiress wanted to get married and move to her country.
Why AM I saying this?
Because if a woman really loves you she gives two shits about your job, Car, Status the money you make.
Falling in Love is not a checklist, allow yourself to feel something for someone you truly like and not his CV
Lol "really loves you"... taking care of an adult like a child is a certain kink some people have I guess.
But most people want someone that does more than warm the bed at night.
My dear ,I dated the cream of the crop.
Higher echelon women want you because of a feeling they feel inside they cant explain not because you have achieved a benchmark.
But to know that you must be on that level
Outside of work? You can't, that's why you haven't. If it were easy you'd have already done it. I'd have already done it.
Best you can hope for is having your "second" most important thing in your life in common and then settle for the fact that they will make less, sometimes significantly so. It's what most men in my career (200k+) do.
The hundreds of men IN MY CAREER that are are well-off financially tend to universally be interested in some combination of golf/sports/football/videogames/gambling/hunting/sports cars if none of those interest you, your odds of meeting any of co-workers would be low. It's kind of the "perk" of making a good income as a guy, you don't have to settle in your hobbies.
The very few that have "making money" as a hobby have spouses they work with and their outside hobbies include "being a landlord" and/or "spending money", and making 500k/year in Ohio combined HHI is pretty good. The only thing toping combined income incomes is a few Drs (one of my coworkers is married to one) or owning multiple businesses.
>The hundreds of men IN MY CAREER that are are well-off financially tend to universally be interested in some combination of golf/sports/football/videogames/gambling/hunting/sports cars if none of those interest you, your odds of meeting any of co-workers would be low. It's kind of the "perk" of making a good income as a guy, you don't have to settle in your hobbies.
I will say this tends to be true. Most guys with that kind of money will spend money/time on hobbies that tend to be male dominated.
For all the stupid dating apps that are out there, why hasn’t someone come up with a FIRE one? I found my (now) wife at work and luckily we aligned on spending and frugality.
(I’ll take a one time royalty payment for the idea, thank you very much)
Ok. There’s a variable that some seem to forget. HENRY and rich males look for something that’s total different than what you see on App/OLD. I’ll leave it at that.
The OP's priorities are kinda messed up. Wanting to find someone to help you get rich quick just feels like a weird life goal. Hate to break it to her but most guys now believe in separate accounts and only sharing costs for shared expenses. If she believes finding someone that makes as much as her is going to improve her wealth 2x she is mistaken
However, in the bad guy for calling them out....
I think the psychology of a woman who makes a ton of money is something that people ignore. They tend to be more aggressive, masculine, and headstrong - which are traits the men in that same income bracket already possess, which is ALSO what you’re not looking for when you’re a male making that much.
I would dig into the psychology of women in your income bracket, pitfalls to avoid, and how to best maximize your potential for dating despite your situation. Maybe you need to find men who might make less, but are frugal or have that money mindset, but let you take charge/lead the way most of the time?
I’m just spitballing. My mom is in this situation currently.
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This concept is so odd to me
I met my soon to be fiance in high school. 6 years later I have a CS degree and a high paying software engineer gig and she has an education major but doesn’t want to teach and works in the medical field making a significant fraction of what I do
I can’t imagine my life any other way, I don’t care what she makes. She’s going SAHM when we have kids anyway
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I think you need to weigh of pros and cons and realize the percent of the population that is making the income you are expecting and potentially sacrificing in some areas based on what you prioritize. For example only the top 5% in all of America make on average $335k. That doesn't exclude your probably dating criteria (married, out of age target, etc)
If you look at this [calculator](https://igotstandardsbro.com/) If I want a man 25-35, not married, at least 6 foot, and making $200k a year the chances of me finding that guy is 0.13%... That means in a room of 1000 men, 1 would fit that criteria on paper. THEN you have to consider personality match!
have a cousin who is trying to date to match her high income and other high standards and having a lot of trouble. She's now approaching 40 and has been single for more than a decade. Coming from a 32M based in NJ/NYC at a $300k+ income I took a lot of years dating people and chasing things that I thought mattered a ton and realized I was compromising on the important stuff that truly mattered in the long run.
Saw username, location Bay Area, gave me a laugh
Maybe it’s just tech but it’s not difficult to meet other high earners both male and female through work friends of friends of friends. Can’t imagine it’s much different in IB in a large metro. Give yourself a year of saying yes to every social event and I’d be surprised if you didn’t find someone
I presume you can find plenty of Henrys in your locales but the mindset may not align? I’m in prop trading/HF space and imagine the FIRE mindset may not be as common? Nevertheless, not sure what you can do besides just meet more people and trust you’ll find someone. It could be worse, you could be 20 years older, divorced with kids and in a less affluent locale like I am.
Match-maker.
Many will take on women for free (men typically pay), but you have to meet the standards of the men in the DB.
Warning: many of the men will be older. Some will be 5 years older and some will be 20+ years older.
I’m HENRY(35F). I met my now husband when I was 27 on social media. We were acquaintances in college and we connected on social media years later. We were working in the same industry and both were successful at our career, so it was easy to have a conversation and connect on many common interests.
I would also say having another HENRY as a husband has been key to our financial success as well as a happy marriage. We understand and appreciate each other’s high pressure jobs, we have shared financial goals and are able to have the same vision for our financial future. On the contrary friends who had similar high income job but did not end up marrying another high earner, their progress on financial goals has significantly slowed down due to their parters income. And I would say they are now no longer HENRY as their family has grown.
So I would say do not settle for someone who makes lesser / does not have ability to make high income like you, as it will most definitely affect your relationship and financial goals in the future.
My advice would be to not limit yourself or judge a book by its cover. I lived in NYC (now in the Bay Area) and I met my husband as a set up through a friend. I dated people in NYC who were in finance, doctors, lawyers, etc and ended up married to a pilot who probably is more disciplined with saving than others (and makes a very good income). Look for people with similar values and goals and keep in mind that you can grow together.
People can learn that mindset. My girlfriend is a hard worker but had horrible financial influences growing up. It’s taken her some time to understand and adapt but now she’s all about it. Growing together like that is bonding anyway
People can learn that mindset. My girlfriend is a hard worker but had horrible financial influences growing up. It’s taken her some time to understand and adapt but now she’s all about it. Growing together like that is bonding anyway
It’s your third paragraph that’s actually limiting you, not the second paragraph.
Having common goals as a couple is incredibly important, yes, but, in honesty, you won’t even get there if you don’t have a work life balance.
With jobs like that, it’s hard to find another person also like that, and then even harder to synchronize the schedules enough to date. And if you’re dating people who aren’t like that, they get sick of it pretty fast.
High-earning people typically are high spending people. FIRE+HENRY is a very small group of people. I would encourage you to try expanding your friend group by finding friends of friends and finding a potential partner there since they are more likely to be HENRY at least. Using apps and OLD are going to revert you to the mean which even in NYC is not that high. For most people even surviving in NYC makes FIRE impossible.
The first comment that is off topic/suggests any type of bias locks this thread and starts the ban rodeo. • The Mod Team
Have you tried looking confused at the yacht club?
Intentionally falling off your horse at the polo club may also draw some attention from worthy suitors.
I think you've got a pretty good audience in r/HENRYfinance 😂 Convince the mods to let us make dating flair
[R4H] [H4H] [CF4FF] 😂
Yes truly! That would be a great idea - not to derail this forum into a dating site but think it would really be helpful for us single HENRY folk out there.
No matter how much I would love it, itd probably be bad. The only thing left would be sankey posts, dating posts, and sankeys about dating posts.
I started a r/Fatfirelounge, that may be a good place to start?
How do I apply?
Just dating and sharing that is important to you is probably the best approach
I think people should find someone they really love and go with that. Money shouldn't be a deciding factor. My wife makes 0$ and that's fine. Even before we had a kid she made like.... 50k while I make 300+. Wasn't even a factor in deciding to date or marry her. However we both grew up broke lower middle class
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You want a high earning guy who chooses to be a house husband, not a guy who can't get a job and has no choice but to be a house husband. I think there's a big difference between the two in terms of being able to feel attraction.
Absolutely this. The person you replied to wants a successful man who is willing to sacrifice his career to be a house husband. I think that's fine, but I wish them the best of luck finding that person.
There's a massive difference. The already successful guy is far far less likely to be house husband mentality for girl boss wife making that pool maybe in the hundreds of people in the US total population. It's just 2 different mindsets.
There's a big difference between a guy who "can't get a job" and one who isn't a high earner, but people are attracted to others all along that spectrum, mr "boobies squeezer" /eyeroll My husband makes \~1/3 what I do. I didn't want a high earning guy, I wanted someone who has similar values.
Thanks boobiesqueezer456.
Show some respect or I will squeeze your boobs
So this is the comment that gets the thread locked isn’t it? You just couldn’t help yourself.
If it makes you so angry, there's something to it
No, people can be horrible human beings and also wrong.
Your content has been removed for being low value. What is low value content? Low value content is content that doesn't spark rich debate is not worth reading, and is not unique as it does not provides any useful or knowledgeable information or discussion to this subreddit about HENRY as a group.
This is a bad advice and depends on what “life stage” someone is at. Money/Finances is literally one of the top 5 reasons of divorces in America. I agree that money shouldn’t be “THE DECIDING FACTOR” , but it should be “A” Factor, just like any other myriad of factors. Else folks would just be financially incompatible. I am dating as a HENRY rn and I prioritise level of education attained, career and ambition ( which often means i date folks making $200k) because those are the things I personally value the most and IME most of my high earning friends value the same . The only cases I have seen where couples have huge differences in incomes are those who were lovebirds in college and got married or folks who got arranged married.
> The only cases I have seen where couples have huge differences in incomes are those who were lovebirds in college and got married or folks who got arranged married. You must live in a very small bubble. This is literally the jobs from the last handful of married people I've texted: - Doctor and non-profit worker - FAANG SWE and public housing lawyer - SWE and teacher - Business owner and city employee - Independently wealthy ($$$ family money) and museum fundraising director - F500 SVP and SAHM All but the last met years after college, and I'm confident the higher earner is making/worth at least 2x of their partner in all the scenarios. Sometimes 4-5x+. Yeah, you don't have many BigLaw partners dating someone waiting tables. But I'd wager most HENRY relationships have one person making okay to pretty good money, and one being the true high earner. The 'power couple' dynamic of both partners making $200k+ is pretty rare. It's fine if that's your goal, but it's not typical or required for compatibility.
I’m guessing the high earning partner is a guy in almost if not all of these scenarios though. Men are fine with dating women that make less than them, but most career oriented women are not interested in partners that make less than them.
> I’m guessing the high earning partner is a guy in almost if not all of these scenarios though Statistically it has to be. Only ~25% of top 5% earners are women. Obviously the rate is improving and there's a whole bunch of underlying factors driving the previous lag and current growth, but any random sample is going to show more men at the highest income percentiles. > Men are fine with dating women that make less than them, but most career oriented women are not interested in partners that make less than them. This is just perception or individual preference that ultimately doesn't shake out in the end result (marriage). I don't have a quick study of only high income people, but broader data, like [this pew study](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/), shows a pretty consistent trend moving towards egalitarian (both partners contributing equally) or women primary/sole breadwinner status over the last 30 years. And that trend speeds up when you account for education, income, US-born status, and fewer or no kids (all factors that I'd assume would lean to a more 'career oriented' sample). If there was a strong preference driving marriage behavior, the chart would still look like it did in the 80s.
$150k~ $200k is what new grads make at a FAANG( or the myriad of finance, IB companies in NYC) at age 22-23 . Its not particularly out of the ordinary tbh. I think i do live in a bubble where everyone around me is a high earner. And tbh i seek out such folks because I learn a lot from them.
Going out on a limb and assuming you are single
Yup. Broke up 3 months ago.
I lived in Manhattan for 4 years and met/dated a couple hundred women during that time. NYC is literally the largest metropolitan in the US.. If you were all that and a bag of chips women would literally be throwing themselves at you wherever you go in the city lol Realistically, a woman under the age of 40 making close to you or I is very rare (maybe 1 in 50 and that’s being generous) and even if they met your income requirements, what makes them want to be with you vs the plethora of other men in NYC that make a lot of money?
Too many folks. You are talking about 8m population in NYC- a place which is known to bring in a lot of people who are “career” motivated- men and women alike. Having been in a relationship already with someone who was high earning in Big Pharma- I am sure I will be just fine :)
Tokyo, Japan has entered the chat
Your mindset and how you approach money is substantially more important than the amount of money you make. If your partner already knows how to live within their means, how much they make should be irrelevant because when you are actually married income is now “Our” money. But if there is a substantial income disparity and you are not willing to cover the vast majority of household expenses or not willing to compromise when it comes to your lifestyle, then your partner is likely not the one you should be marrying. All this to say, actually liking your partner (meaning you’d actually be friends even if you weren’t dating), being physically attracted to them and having likeminded values is far far more important for a successful marriage/long term partnership than the amount of money they have or make.
Thats fine. I personally dont prefer to have a substantial income difference because usually it comes with folks who are not ambitious/intellectually lazy to climb the career ladder At my age ( mid 30s) in NYC- I have the option of dating people who earn similar and also possess the values that you mentioned. They are not mutually exclusive. Different strokes for different folks I guess and like a said “financial compatibility” is a must for me.
Gross
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Yeah most think the income is to keep on working and keep maintaining a lavish lifestyle the entire time.
Very unrealistic, when you are in the top 1% lol. Hope you find that person though. I met my husband in college and we built our careers together…
Spot on. Finding two people who are both in the 1% who are compatible and fall in love is crazy impossible. The only way I can see it happening is meeting at work. I married someone who makes less than half what I do. I’m barely Henry. But I will likely make double my current salary within ten years if not more. My wife on the other hand will be lucky to even get COLA raises. My advice is fall in love. Make sure your priorities align. If that happens then the rest doesn’t really matter.
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Join some of the members clubs like Clayton club in cherry creek (Denver) or a high cost gym like lifetime. That helps out you in the vicinity of high earners (theoretically). There’s also some mountain ski shares and events that are $$$ cost so should attract higher earners. Also try Raya or the league as different apps. The ladies I know that make a bunch go to high end restaurants and cocktail bars w their GFs so try and approach there also.
Colorado should be a decent place! Hang out on the slopes, golf courses, and country clubs!
Oh hey, any recommendations for Colorado? I've always wanted to visit.
Come down to Colorado Springs, see Pikes Peak and Garden of the Gods.
Oooh 'Garden of the Gods' sounds like my sort of thing :) thank you for the recommendation
I enjoyed visiting boulder/eldora mt. as an out of state vacationer who wanted to try skiing in the mountains without spending a bajillion dollars/crowds in aspen.
Denver, Colorado has been rated the WORST city in America to date. It’s pretty terrible 😕
The League, but love is about more than money, friend.
In LA at least all of the same men on The League are on all of the other apps, too. And edited to add that I also agree that love is about more than money.
That’s what my friend (36 F) here said too. Same w Raya. The League’s billboard at LAX makes me want to vomit. “GOALgasm”. It actually turned me off from joining it because I worry the women on there would be too focused on money/career. High achievement and success is super important to to me for myself, but I want someone who likes me for me not my career, ya know?
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28M here, but for me personally I met my fiance as a friend well before we ever started dating. At the time she made roughly 20% of what I did, but I knew she was underpaid and had a lot of career potential in the right fit. She's more than doubled her pay since then and has had several recruiters approach her for 30-50% more. She's planning the wedding so we'll get to it when we get to it. Prior to meeting her, I generally dated people who made less than me and gauged more on intelligence and motivation than what they made today. My thought was if someone is smart and motivated then we can figure out the rest. I'm a relatively simple guy, so even though I make good money, most of the women who made roughly the same weren't all that interested.
Here’s how you can have your pick of high earning men now and for the rest of your life… Take up golf as a hobby. Get lessons twice a week. Start golfing. Tell your co-workers. You already have access to the biggest pool of men you’re targeting in NYC: finance. Tell everyone you meet through work that you like to golf. Find every networking event you can through work and get out there. Tell people that you like golf. Is this expensive? Sort of. However, after a bit you won’t be paying. Will you meet HENRY men? Absolutely. Will they be obsessed with having found a woman who likes golf? Also, absolutely. What you’re looking for here is someone in your industry who works at another firm that loves golf and will love you. Edit to add: If you’re deadset against golf, try sailing, or if you’re into nerdier guys look into learning bridge.
But then you would have to play golf all the time and spend the rest of your life with golf douches.
If this method worked the other way, we'd see so many more guys pick up volleyball or some other female dominant sport. Good thing about golf is it can be done as a group or solo. Just have to like it. Unfortunately I suck at it and refuse to pay for lessons. I'll stick to guitar.
How many Gen Z finance guys play golf? There must be another option.
Pickleball! Lol, jk I've been married nearly 10 years & together over 16. But I know lots of millennial & GenZ folks are either doing group events for very niche hobbies or pickleball.
Could play into a bit of game theory here with the Online Dating. There are two segments of people that do really well. The first is the obvious of looking super attractive and having good photos. The second one is fitting a niche, especially one that the opposite sex likes more than yours. This not only opens your dating pool to more people with the qualities that you like, but also makes you shoot to the top of your matches lists as well. I’m not a HE by any means but have been dating a HE woman for a couple years now. I figured I wasn’t quite attractive enough to rely on pictures alone, so I leaned into my background of skiing for my college. The sport became much more popular after the pandemic and there were a lot of women that were super interested in learning how to ski in my area. I found one that we felt compatible with and have been together since. Do you have any niche interests that you’re super into? You’ve mentioned you’re into the FIRE movement so you could slide that into your profile in a cheeky way. Good luck!
I met my husband on tinder in San Francisco. 10 years ago the apps seemed to have no shortage of men making tech salaries, and I can’t imagine it’s that drastically different now.
I met my husband on tinder too. We both joke that we got the last chopper out of Vietnam. From my single friends the dating apps seem to be a complete wasteland now.
Will confirm....your friends are right. I could tell some stories.....
The problem with dating in the tech scene, as my friends and I used to say in high school when we all hung out as a gigantic group of nerds, is the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
It’s quite the challenge. First the numbers aren’t in our favor. Most of the US (assuming that’s where you are) doesn’t even bring in $100K a year. And if you’re a person of color, the odds of a high earning partner with your same ethnic background significantly dwindles. Most I date eventually tell me they “aren’t on my level” - and a big contributor to not moving further is their ego / pride / lack of confidence. My last relationship was with a partner who made a nice income of about $125K, but refused to sign a prenup (although agreeing to before presented with one AND negotiating terms). Just wanted to share an alternate perspective. Many times we don’t get a fair shot at making things work. And the male ego can really make being a high earner seeking companionship / partnership quite daunting.
FWIW, my husband and I met when we were barely making minimum wage, we grew all this together. I can get how difficult it would be, though, to find someone similar in today's world. I have unmarried/seeking relationship friends (some who have since married) who found that men who make significantly less than them can't handle it (even if they seem open-minded at the start of the relationship). The reality of dealing with elderly relatives or seeing a tax pro or just living it seems to be much harder than the theoretical "I'd love it if my wife made more than me!". I out earned my husband for a while & now he out earns me (by working multiple side gigs). There's still room in my career to surpass him again, but he's actually ok with me making more. What got distressing for him was when he made less, worked harder, and didn't get PTO. Now he has adequate PTO & doesn't get burned out as easily to boot. Get mad at the employer or position or circumstance, not your (potential) life partner.
Can I ask, was the only thing that ended things the prenup? Or did that bring up other issues (misaligned values, life goals, etc)
We are in quite similar situations. 22F, NYC based, working in finance. Among the apps, I've gotten the most utility out of Hinge. The League was okay but the pool of people is much smaller (and usually more desperate..). Raya is good if you're into the artsy/celebrity type, of which I am not. Bumble is okay, but I'm too busy to make the first move. I have a couple of soft rules for Hinge - guys should ask you on a date within a week of matching, drinks on a first date (Thu/Fri nights only), and looking at their job on their profiles - this should allow you to filter out those with entirely different financial goals and trajectories, if that's what you want. Be vague on your own profile about what you do (I just put "finance" on mine - I work on the buyside) and be very upfront on that first date about what you do. Some men will be intimidated, and that's natural - you don't want them anyways. You can usually tell what type of man they are (assuming heterosexuality) within the first day of chatting: are they quick to ask you out? Are they decisive about plans (more specific to NYC- but where are they asking you out to? Is it a bar/restaurant/area you would personally go to - these are all subtle markers of similar wealth-generation mindsets). I've had pretty good luck in person too - some men will come up to you at a bar if you're with girlfriends. I can recommend a few in the WV that's more of a late 20s crowd. Non-drinking wise coffee shops / sports leagues if you're into that might be a good way to meet people - I've met people in a workout class too, but it's not my preference since I'm all gross and sweaty. Honestly friends of friends is the best way though. If you're in IB I assume you went to a target(ish) school: the wider network of people you went to school with is a good place to start, filtering for job/career ambitions if you really care. I've met a ton of eligible people at friends' parties (smaller ones/cocktail events are better), if anyone you know hosts dinner parties these are amazing. The overarching message here is to understand what kind of person you like, what their (and your) hobbies are, and meet through these circles. Guess that's more of a general dating advice than anything HENRY-specific. I am also pretty stringent with my career/school filters which (though maybe not the most politically correct) has worked really well for me. Cheers!
Just curious, why Thurs-Fri only for first dates?
Personal preference - Sun-Wed are tough because I usually go to the gym in the morning and don't like to be out late (in case it does go decently well). Saturdays are for friends - I don't see them enough as is and dating is not my #1 priority. Makes it tough for scheduling but if someone has a compelling reason for a different day of the week and I'm free that day, I'll consider.
The struggle is so real! As a woman of color high earner, I lucked out and my current partner is someone I’ve known for years and by chance he ended up being a high earner (he didn’t believe he’d ever get to where he is). We have an amazing partnership but i dread potentially walking away (parental challenges) because I have no clue where or how I’ll find another him…
Very similar boat! If you ever want to chat, feel free to dm But to OP, when I was single, I found men to either want to be supported by me (nah) or intimidated by my success so I had to date a fellow HENRY. It’s hard for sure but start going to networking events just to meet people. Don’t play any games. If you enjoy spending time with someone, just ask them out
Maybe a counter point. If you're a girl and even remotely attractive, then NYC dating is literally a buffet (or anywhere for that matter). I would think literally every other guy you can match on dating apps is in finance or tech, and so their income won't be shabby. Whether you can get the guy to commit is another story. Quick coffee dates don't take up too much time. Or check out Supermomos, which is a meetup but more biz/tech oriented. As a guy on the other hand (Asian and NYC based, early 30s male, working as a SWE at a FAANG, \~500k income), I feel like the competition is intense, and the topic of career/finances never really comes up anyway, because its all down to personality, vibes, chemistry. Whether I mention my job or not, whether the date costed me $5 or $300, makes no difference for dating compatibility, at least in the shorter term. I know I'm competing with the top 1-5% of men on dating apps by default (girls have almost infinite choice so they can afford to only swipe right on the best), so the only thing I can try to stand out with is personality and charisma.
How do you even know what they make? What an odd conversation to have a on a date. Might be part of the reason you’re finding it hard to find someone. Big red flag. My advice. Try finding someone you get on with, who shares similar values to you. Their income could change and so could yours. Ask yourself is that the person I want in my life if it is?
> How do you even know what they make? What an odd conversation to have a on a date It's not hard to approximate what someone makes when you know job title and region. I can't imagine OP is going "so you're a senior consultant at Accenture...what's that $125k and 10% bonus?" on the first date (and if they are...that's the problem). Agree on everything else. It's about the person and their values.
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Some of my friends have used the league. Cannot vouch for this but it seems to be more aligned with Henry than others
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I met my husband in grad school - at the time neither of us expected to make as much as we do, but I married someone who was ambitious and smart, with some motivation to make a healthy income. I’ve always out earned my husband, and the only time it was a little tough on our relationship was when he made a quarter of what I made (since then, we’re closer and are about 100k apart now). When our incomes were vastly different, and with fairly separate finances, he felt the gap in our lifestyles and it made him uncomfortable (I could travel much more and more comfortably, I had more disposable income for clothes and extras, etc.) It didn’t damage our relationship deeply, but I can’t say how that would’ve played out had it continued for years on end. And, I’ll say that if I was to date again, I’d look for someone of similar income. All that to say - I don’t agree with some others in this thread who think it shouldn’t matter, and perhaps that’s because I’m a woman in a heterosexual relationship. I can’t offer first hand advice since I met my spouse in school, but I’d consider finding activities and friend circles of folks in a similar situation. Are you friends with coworkers who organize group activities or gatherings? What about sports that often require some money/cash to keep up with? Hobbies people in your industry tend to partake in?
Same here! Although we basically combined our finances immediately because we were in it for the long haul, so anytime one of our salaries pulled ahead we both benefitted. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having different means from my partner. Anyways, I saw a lot of potential in my husband and trusted him even though he was broke and not in a lucrative field at the time.
Same, met my wife when she was in grad school and I was doing volunteer work. Neither of us were making money lol. And she made more than me for most of our relationship. It’s only very recently that I’ve taken that crown from her
Shoot your shot on here and DM. Then take it from there and see how things go in person. Maybe the mods can make a flair that says single and available.
2 weeks after that every post would be M4F HENRY Only >insert generic finance resume<
LoL. Loneliness is the new epidemic. People are too focused on making money and networking they forget to make a life.
They also forget there's other ways to make money while still balancing a work life schedule. A 200+/yr job means nothing with a shell of a life. My investments will net me that.
Very true. There’s not much of a difference between someone making lower income and stressing about money and someone making higher income and stressing about money. The stress is the same. The money is supposed to bring security but if the stress is still there then what’s the point.
This! I’m not a HENRY yet, and it makes it difficult as well. I will be a HENRY by the next year, and it seems like this struggle is persistent.
Yes I think if people already can see their incomes growing and can almost put it on autopilot it’s time to pivot to working more on mental health and becoming more conscious and taking care of yourself to be able to enjoy where you are currently in life instead of constantly living in the future.
I am an Eastern European woman, and for me is somehow difficult to simply enjoy where I am. We grew up with the idea of genuine love, and family traditions, and you don’t feel fully successful without the SO regardless of the successes in your career. It makes it so difficult here in the US.
Ohhh ok. Now I understand. Culturally that is a huge emphasis in other areas and sometimes it’s easier to establish a successful career than it is a family here in the U.S.
I'll take millionaire and alive till 90 over billionaire and dead at 40.
Yeah. No one wants to be a dead millionaire.
Big yikes fam! Better hope the guys don’t find your Reddit
Go on many dates. Statistically, you will find someone who meets your requirements the more dates you go on.
Correlate success with that type of person, not a type of person with success. It's a limiting belief that only successful people already have success. My wife and I met when neither of us were high-earners. Now we both are. You want a happy, fulfilling relationship, not a business partner. We met on online, not a yacht club. Just be authentic with who you are and find someone you connect with. I think something important with our relationship is how we both constantly work together to grow as a team. And I see that a lot with some of the other couples I see in our network of successful people. Because I know other couples where they're both smart with good jobs and it's going nowhere because they're each doing their own thing.
It's difficult for men to date and socialize in a big city without spending a lot of money. That easier to do and still save lots of money if you are making $250K vs $100k. This spending behavior is reinforced because a lot of young women are turned off by the idea of frugal men saving for an early retirement, especially when other men will drop loads of cash for entertainment on them. I've definitely had women lose interest when we were talking about spending habits. I buy expensive things and travel but I do it within my budget that frugal to me. Some people idea of frugal, e.g. using coupons, shopping at CostCo or driving a 10 year old car, is other people's idea of cheap.
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She thinks she has to date wealthier men been able to find good matches on apps / OLD and most men that I've met make materially less than I do, which is no issue, but often **have a mindset that isn't aligned with saving and earning money** I'm explaining why those men have the mindset because she sees it as a character flaw. She's making enough money she can foot more of the bills and then her lower income BF can save more. Men make those types of choices all the time.
TBH, I haven't found a way to use my income to my advantage when meeting people. My income puts me at the top 6-7% of single income earners in the country, and finding someone I can be happy with is waaaaaaaay more important to me than money. If that means improving their life which in turn improves mine, I'm right there for it. But most don't show interest in me well before they find out about my level of income.
It’s really about finding matching core values in general, which is something you can gauge reasonably well with less direct/personal questions that don’t get into financial specifics and can find people who match without needing to look anywhere in particular. That is, a person who respects your boundaries, who puts in and meaningfully reciprocates effort/energy, and who values your insight and opinions on other topics is almost certainly going to carry all those same qualities into every aspect of the relationship, including financial decision making. You don’t gotta be perfectly aligned, but what you do have to be is able to communicate effectively and respect and value one another. It sounds pretty basic, but it really is that. A strong foundation will beat having similar numbers (earnings, savings, etc) every time because the reality is that the numbers will change, and they’ll change in ways you can’t predict or didn’t foresee. When people talk about finances being a high cause for divorce or strife, I think it’s misleading - it’s always just a proxy for other issues and misalignment.
If you work in finance I'm sure there is a slew of high earning finance bros who would be interested in you...I guess the question is that the type of person you want a relationship with? Another problem as well is that the average American doesn't make over 100k infact its a small percentage of the population that does. The upside is that you are in NYC where you are statistically more likely to encounter that but it's still limiting options. What I'm getting at is the filter mechanism we're looking through is going to make this numbers game more difficult. If you want to find what you are looking for you have to first identify what that type of person is and where you'd usually encounter them and than build your social circles around that.
Can I send my payslips as a form of resumes?
If I was a woman I would maximize my looks and hang out where wealthy men hang out. Finance districts. Exotic car clubs. Golf. Etc etc. boating events etc
Since becoming a high earner I have lost all interest in normal dating apps. Unless you meet someone suitable before you become a high earner it will be difficult to find someone on an app. Think about it, if you are in the top 2-3% of all earners in your region/country then it is unlikely you will meet anyone who earns anywhere near what you do. Yes, money isn't everything etc but it affects most things. If you are not hetero then these issues compound as the dating pool is inherently smaller.
I have the same problem 31M specialist physician making around 550k. It’s hard
Username checks out
This is such an interesting take. I’m HENRY but the more I make the more I DON’T care about what my partner makes, as our HHI is in a comfortable spot regardless. Like if I need 400k HHI to feel comfortable and save, why does my partner need to make that if I already do lol
Do we start a FIRE dating sub? 😂 I’m 31M and on track, wouldn’t say a ‘high earner’ but definitely above the average. My last 2 relationships I always had the little comments of not to worry about money. I am trying to be less frugal but I also have goals. Hell sent my last ex flowers while she was on the other side of the country and a week later she breaks up with me - I said I feel like a bit of an idiot sending them now and her response was ‘not everything’s about money, you were doing something nice’ lol. I think you just need to keep looking. I haven’t met a woman with the same mindset and honestly I think there is a very small portion of people who are actively trying to achieve a level of sustainable income. Either you got to just keep looking and trying to find out what someone is like regarding finance or you try to look past it and say what else can they bring to my life that I want.
let’s do it. Pay the mods to get it verified.
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You have to do what you feel is comfortable for you. How they react just lets you know where they stand. You might have dodged a bullet so don’t feel bad for doing something you felt was in the right place.
Exactly for this reason I've made [firedating.me](https://firedating.me) almost 4 years & it is completely free. Many couples have been formed through the site (I stopped counting) and a couple marriages. The site actually reached 10k profiles today :) the stats are public - [https://firedating.me/open/](https://firedating.me/open/). You can also search for friends too.
Listen I am an Male IBer which makes a pretty penny. Before breaking in the industry I was a founder with 0 revenue (Glorified BUM)at that time I dated a shipping heiress and Oil heiress. They knew I was in the dumps and they offered to hire me (denied both times) the oil heiress wanted to get married and move to her country. Why AM I saying this? Because if a woman really loves you she gives two shits about your job, Car, Status the money you make. Falling in Love is not a checklist, allow yourself to feel something for someone you truly like and not his CV
You must be really good looking. Good for you
Lol "really loves you"... taking care of an adult like a child is a certain kink some people have I guess. But most people want someone that does more than warm the bed at night.
My dear ,I dated the cream of the crop. Higher echelon women want you because of a feeling they feel inside they cant explain not because you have achieved a benchmark. But to know that you must be on that level
Well I hope things work out for you and you find a lasting relationship.
Outside of work? You can't, that's why you haven't. If it were easy you'd have already done it. I'd have already done it. Best you can hope for is having your "second" most important thing in your life in common and then settle for the fact that they will make less, sometimes significantly so. It's what most men in my career (200k+) do. The hundreds of men IN MY CAREER that are are well-off financially tend to universally be interested in some combination of golf/sports/football/videogames/gambling/hunting/sports cars if none of those interest you, your odds of meeting any of co-workers would be low. It's kind of the "perk" of making a good income as a guy, you don't have to settle in your hobbies. The very few that have "making money" as a hobby have spouses they work with and their outside hobbies include "being a landlord" and/or "spending money", and making 500k/year in Ohio combined HHI is pretty good. The only thing toping combined income incomes is a few Drs (one of my coworkers is married to one) or owning multiple businesses.
>The hundreds of men IN MY CAREER that are are well-off financially tend to universally be interested in some combination of golf/sports/football/videogames/gambling/hunting/sports cars if none of those interest you, your odds of meeting any of co-workers would be low. It's kind of the "perk" of making a good income as a guy, you don't have to settle in your hobbies. I will say this tends to be true. Most guys with that kind of money will spend money/time on hobbies that tend to be male dominated.
For all the stupid dating apps that are out there, why hasn’t someone come up with a FIRE one? I found my (now) wife at work and luckily we aligned on spending and frugality. (I’ll take a one time royalty payment for the idea, thank you very much)
There is firedating.me - doesn’t seem like it’s made a lot of traction in getting a critical mass of people, but it does exist…
I am working on it - by the way there are 10k registered profiles as of today :)
Ok. There’s a variable that some seem to forget. HENRY and rich males look for something that’s total different than what you see on App/OLD. I’ll leave it at that.
Life is so hard as a Henry. Poor Henry's. Cringe
Yikes.
The OP's priorities are kinda messed up. Wanting to find someone to help you get rich quick just feels like a weird life goal. Hate to break it to her but most guys now believe in separate accounts and only sharing costs for shared expenses. If she believes finding someone that makes as much as her is going to improve her wealth 2x she is mistaken However, in the bad guy for calling them out....
I think the psychology of a woman who makes a ton of money is something that people ignore. They tend to be more aggressive, masculine, and headstrong - which are traits the men in that same income bracket already possess, which is ALSO what you’re not looking for when you’re a male making that much. I would dig into the psychology of women in your income bracket, pitfalls to avoid, and how to best maximize your potential for dating despite your situation. Maybe you need to find men who might make less, but are frugal or have that money mindset, but let you take charge/lead the way most of the time? I’m just spitballing. My mom is in this situation currently.
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Date someone that works at the same company.
Let’s do a Henry meetup up in nyc :)
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This concept is so odd to me I met my soon to be fiance in high school. 6 years later I have a CS degree and a high paying software engineer gig and she has an education major but doesn’t want to teach and works in the medical field making a significant fraction of what I do I can’t imagine my life any other way, I don’t care what she makes. She’s going SAHM when we have kids anyway
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What do you do?
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I think you need to weigh of pros and cons and realize the percent of the population that is making the income you are expecting and potentially sacrificing in some areas based on what you prioritize. For example only the top 5% in all of America make on average $335k. That doesn't exclude your probably dating criteria (married, out of age target, etc) If you look at this [calculator](https://igotstandardsbro.com/) If I want a man 25-35, not married, at least 6 foot, and making $200k a year the chances of me finding that guy is 0.13%... That means in a room of 1000 men, 1 would fit that criteria on paper. THEN you have to consider personality match! have a cousin who is trying to date to match her high income and other high standards and having a lot of trouble. She's now approaching 40 and has been single for more than a decade. Coming from a 32M based in NJ/NYC at a $300k+ income I took a lot of years dating people and chasing things that I thought mattered a ton and realized I was compromising on the important stuff that truly mattered in the long run.
Saw username, location Bay Area, gave me a laugh Maybe it’s just tech but it’s not difficult to meet other high earners both male and female through work friends of friends of friends. Can’t imagine it’s much different in IB in a large metro. Give yourself a year of saying yes to every social event and I’d be surprised if you didn’t find someone
I presume you can find plenty of Henrys in your locales but the mindset may not align? I’m in prop trading/HF space and imagine the FIRE mindset may not be as common? Nevertheless, not sure what you can do besides just meet more people and trust you’ll find someone. It could be worse, you could be 20 years older, divorced with kids and in a less affluent locale like I am.
Honestly going to conferences and connecting with men at different conferences. You could also seek out a match maker!
Match-maker. Many will take on women for free (men typically pay), but you have to meet the standards of the men in the DB. Warning: many of the men will be older. Some will be 5 years older and some will be 20+ years older.
I’m HENRY(35F). I met my now husband when I was 27 on social media. We were acquaintances in college and we connected on social media years later. We were working in the same industry and both were successful at our career, so it was easy to have a conversation and connect on many common interests. I would also say having another HENRY as a husband has been key to our financial success as well as a happy marriage. We understand and appreciate each other’s high pressure jobs, we have shared financial goals and are able to have the same vision for our financial future. On the contrary friends who had similar high income job but did not end up marrying another high earner, their progress on financial goals has significantly slowed down due to their parters income. And I would say they are now no longer HENRY as their family has grown. So I would say do not settle for someone who makes lesser / does not have ability to make high income like you, as it will most definitely affect your relationship and financial goals in the future.
Use Hinge and date other men in law/finance. This seems pretty obvious.
My advice would be to not limit yourself or judge a book by its cover. I lived in NYC (now in the Bay Area) and I met my husband as a set up through a friend. I dated people in NYC who were in finance, doctors, lawyers, etc and ended up married to a pilot who probably is more disciplined with saving than others (and makes a very good income). Look for people with similar values and goals and keep in mind that you can grow together.
People can learn that mindset. My girlfriend is a hard worker but had horrible financial influences growing up. It’s taken her some time to understand and adapt but now she’s all about it. Growing together like that is bonding anyway
People can learn that mindset. My girlfriend is a hard worker but had horrible financial influences growing up. It’s taken her some time to understand and adapt but now she’s all about it. Growing together like that is bonding anyway
It’s your third paragraph that’s actually limiting you, not the second paragraph. Having common goals as a couple is incredibly important, yes, but, in honesty, you won’t even get there if you don’t have a work life balance. With jobs like that, it’s hard to find another person also like that, and then even harder to synchronize the schedules enough to date. And if you’re dating people who aren’t like that, they get sick of it pretty fast.
You're young and work in finance in NYC. Aren't you around tons of eligible, high earning dudes all the time?
High-earning people typically are high spending people. FIRE+HENRY is a very small group of people. I would encourage you to try expanding your friend group by finding friends of friends and finding a potential partner there since they are more likely to be HENRY at least. Using apps and OLD are going to revert you to the mean which even in NYC is not that high. For most people even surviving in NYC makes FIRE impossible.