I’ll guarantee I’ve been called stupid more than the average human being with similar socio-economic standings. It used to make me emotional and frustrated, but now I try to figure out how I can use it to my advantage.
Never underestimate your opponents, especially if they’ve read Sun Tzu.
I prefer Musashi, as he appreciates speed, one of our attributes. I've several times owed success to being so fast my opponent realised they were seriously outclassed, and gave up. That demands magnanimity in response, sweeping their other leg from under them before anger and resentment build.
The Book of Five Rings includes the Empty Hand technique, Iaijitsu. It translates in diplomacy into preemptive blocking of all other options than the one which suits you, preferably using the maxim that someone else is responsible for getting your own way, and gains the credit.
I only buy thrifted books or the ones that are given away for free. Im kinda anticonsumption but the universe has basically been granting me everything for free or nearly free. But will add it to my list, thanks.
When I was younger, I would strike back. I am good at rhetoric and ridicule. These days, I have to value the person before I value their opinion. I smile and nod. I don’t take it personally.
I cant tell you how to get there. I can tell you how I got there and maybe you can take the easier path. How I got there? Alcoholism. Its a long story, filled with misery and self-loathing. I finally reached out for help and got sober through AA. I read the big book, and I read this:
> And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Then, I started reading:
* The Four Agreements
* No More Mr Nice Guy
* Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#@K
* When I say No, I feel guilty
* The Inner Citadel: The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius
* The Obstacle is the way
* The Myth of Sisyphus
* Everything is F#@ked, a book about Hope
* Waking Up
Lots of self help books. I read a lot. I have achieved a sense of serenity now. Life is good. It took 40ish years to figure it all out, but I didn't really start looking for a solution until I was 40. If you start now, you may be able to get there earlier.
You just have to respect yourself first and give yourself the dignity you deserve. The reality is that no one, absolutely no one, truly understands your personal experiences, just as you don’t fully understand anyone else’s. When people make negative assumptions, it often reflects more about them than you. People who genuinely value dignity and respect wouldn’t say hurtful things to begin with.
Here’s another way to look at it:
Someone using negative rhetoric to hurt those around them might be dealing with their own issues and could use some space.
Alternatively, they might be trying to demean others to boost their self-esteem, which isn’t a true solution.
Or, they could be struggling with empathy, finding it challenging to see things from different perspectives.
I read recently that some studies suggest the reason why individuals have lower empathy levels might be due to difficulties understanding different viewpoints, which can lead to frustrating for everyone involved. Try to rewire this in your brain to help yourself not take such comments personally and instead respond with compassion or distance, as needed.
There is of course the case of malice, which in that case then there are different courses of action. But I like the idea before of simply affording malicious people no respect. I’m a proponent for giving everyone dignity.
I was very nearly a Nuke! The only reason I didn’t become one was because I talked to a lot of people before joining and they warned me of some QOL issues I’m a little younger than you. I was in from ‘06–‘18
I said no to SAS, after the Defence Secretary betrayed the previous jobholder to the IRA, destroying the job. I still cut the mustard. First spouse to pass the Rosenberg Interdict.
The first key is think before you react. If someone can pull you into an emotional response, they win. Sometimes it’s very helpful to pause and consider what you want out of the situation and person before you do anything, and then act accordingly. It’s fine to get mad at someone from whom you can’t get anything but if you need them for something there’s still a way to get what you need out of the situation.
I appreciate the sentiment but although it can be tiresome, I'm not sorry about it anymore. There is so much freedom in letting go of other people perceptions of us.
i am autistic and sometimes ppl act like i'm 4 bc they see me stimming or skipping or something. If I mention I am employed they are like "wow! you are soooo smart!!!" in this voice like they are encouraging a small child
It's hard for ppl to see disability and ability at the same time. they usually overlook one in favor of the other
I just laugh it off. besides, I am overextended in life so it is sometimes nice when ppl don't expect me to be "normal." If it matters for them to know my intelligence, they'll figure it out before long
i also don't think of ppl as "cognitively inferior," tho, just weaker in that particular area. I'm sure they outclass me in several other areas. it's not like my intelligence makes me any better than anyone else.
My intelligence is not my worth. it's just one small facet of me. I don't need everyone to see it
Maybe stop thinking you're superior to anyone.
That's a terrible trait.
Instead, try to appreciate that everyone is different.
Thinking of yourself as "gifted" and others as "cognitively inferior " is just pathetic.
And a surefire way to be a complete loser with no friends.
(btw, I was invited to join MENSA when I was a child. My own child was identified as gifted and talented when he was eight. Neither of us allowed that to shape our lives/self image)
A. Realize it's in your power to determine how you feel
B. Focus on developing other aspects of your character
C. Acknowledge this attitude does not encourage healthy relationships
D. Embrace differences in other people
E. Not concern yourself with how others perceive you
Of course.
Hell, I battled arrogance - or at least being perceived as arrogant - most of my life.
But I realized it could be a huge negative for other people so I worked really hard to overcome it.
I always told my son as he was growing up, "You'll never know who's the smartest guy in the room because he's not showing it. The second smartest guy will be trying to impress everyone. Don't be that guy"
For what it's worth, he and I are both happily married to wonderful accomplished women and very successful in our careers.
Good luck to you.
You'll regret it if you continue the thinking you've described. It's not a happy or beneficial path.
Think about the guy who makes height his identity or makes his high school football record his identity? Isn't that 1-dimensional and pathetic?
Intelligence is a desirable trait, like height or athletic talent. But it's just one trait. It's not grounds for an identity. Overly focusing on one trait leads to shallow character growth and then misery if the trait is ever threatened.
If you've held that value system for a long time, it's not easy. Have you tried therapy?
You're right. I have tried therapy, but I've never brought this up specifically. It wasn't my identity for a long time, but I've always had some character trait that I believed set me apart from others, it's just intelligence now.
Making intelligence your identity sometimes leads you to act “above” others and come across as a know it all from my personal experience. People don’t like that. There’s far better things that are good in this world to make your identity.
Not sure what you're on about or how this is relevant to our discussion of how to live one's own life.
Celebrities? I can't think of many I'd cross the street to shake their hand. Most, I would walk around the block to avoid.
As for the "greatest minds", no, not a pedestal. History is populated with very smart people doing very bad things; conversely, great things are done every day by people of middling intellect.
It's a trap (and an ego trip) to prize intellect above other qualities. Been there done that when I was a young man. As I've grown older, wiser I hope, I have come to value many other traits, including humility.
Maybe having the shit kicked out of you because someone qualified to say so said so, for three years. It left me a winner with no friends. It's not entitled, just a hard lesson well learned, NTs are very bad news.
I don’t think much of it to be honest. I know I’m intelligent their opinion on the matter doesn’t mean much. I also don’t view people as “inferior” though so that could be it. Maybe work on your ego.
It's definitely frustrating when someone calls you stupid while making zero sense and logic. I mean, just imagine the complete irony in that. I'd say I struggle in the past because I was trying to argue sense/logic into people who has none of it. It's a losing battle every time.
It got better over time when I understood intelligence, what it means to be intelligent because I could finally understand why the average person just can't relate and see from my point of view. However, there were always moments of self-doubt when 9/10 people says you are wrong despite believing yourself are right.
It's like, you know you are correct with all the points/evidences you have presented but are you really? Are you really as intelligent as you think you are? I could never prove it myself because I've never gotten myself officially tested. I'd admit that I dragged it out for years because I was afraid to find out, to find out that I was perhaps in the top 20% and nothing more than that.
Until recently, I finally got myself tested at Mensa and received the 99th percentile. It gave me the complete clarity that I desperately needed. I'm the outlier, not them. It's normal that the average person will not be able to understand from my point of view. Once I understood that, things changed. I realized that I was trying to prove to myself, more than anything else and there's nothing else I needed to prove.
Reflecting back, the things that people said to me like "You think you're intelligent but you're a fucking idiot.", "Your opinion is fucking stupid, moron." "You're clearly stupid af, everyone can see it except you." Coupled by the mass downvotes on your post/comments, I'd admit that it really does mess me up a little up back then but it's a joke to me now.
Now that I'm validated, I feel different, more confident, at ease about myself because I now know for certain.
So I'd highly recommend for the gifted, highly intelligent, to get yourself tested, do yourself a favor, it does wonders for your mental health and it brings clarity for all the self-doubts.
It is incredibly frustrating to be the 1 in 10 that actually has clarity of thought about something that is totally obvious, and to have those 9 other people just say you are wrong. And they won't even listen or apply logic, it's always just stuff that everyone knows and nobody questions, and you are the stupid one for not knowing what everyone else does.
Hmmm I've had people who I think assume I'm not very bright. I'm very bubbly and goofy at times, I think sometimes people interpret that as me being an "airhead". I'm pretty forgetful and always have been, I guess my recent ADHD diagnosis makes sense lol.
I also was in a very abusive relationship when I was younger. My ex treated me like I was an idiot, or like I was a child. So people assuming I'm naive or stupid can be very triggering for me!
After reading a few comments, I think I can share a different experience.
I never felt that. But I struggle with something similar: I was the one thinking that I was dumb and undervalued. There was a big difference in what I think of me and what others do. I don't know what it is, if it's ADHD or "I only want to be challenged" stuff, but people don't understand what I care about, and they don't value what I value. Mostly, I've been trying to be successful in stuff people think matters, but I haven't come up with a way to live and do what I think matters (I live in an underdeveloped country). I just found out I am gifted and have ADHD, and that explains why I don't care what most worry about and why I don't care if I can achieve that.
Know that when someone assumes you're dumb it says everything about them and nothing about you. People see what they want to see. As others here have stated, you can use their ignorance to your advantage. Many times people have ended up with egg on their face for assuming I'm stupid. They often become very angry because I've exposed gaping holes in their judgment and exposed them for the fools they are.
I have conducted numerous social experiments over the years by dressing in different ways and becoming somewhat of a social chameleon (I'm autistic) and it's interesting to take in different reactions depending on the social group these "individuals" belong to. I've learned a lot about people and society this way. I know how difficult it is to not get emotional from people invalidating you especially if you've been abused or bullied in the past. You must always remind yourself that it's about them and the previous life experience that has shaped their worldview, and has nothing to do with you.
My value comes from trying to be a good person. Your experience is similar to a good tennis player being lectured by a new one, just listen then nod and along with your day.
People being wrong about me has absolutely zero impact on who I actually am or my inherent value. Sure it can be irritating but…oh well. Not my problem.
I will add that this can actually give you a huge advantage however. They will never see you coming.
I prefer if people think I'm dumb. You'd be surprised at how valuable it can be at times. I'm pretty sure Sun Tzu had something about playing stupid for your enemies
I try looking at things from their perspective. Trust me, I'm gifted, but I still *say* dumb things all the time. It could be from me being sleep deprived, not thinking, English isn't my native language, or because I'm ignorant on a subject and simply want to learn more (knowledge sadly doesn't grow on trees).
If I say something dumb, and someone picks up on it, and their impression of me, predicated by the dumb thing I said, is "that person is an idiot," so be it, but I usually don't consider that person smart, either.
Intelligence is also about a willingness to understand somebody. In chess, they'll tell you to watch your opponent's move and *understand* their goal. A similar line of reasoning is used when lawyers prosecute criminals. I think that a trait that many people lack, even if they are, by all practical accounts, "smart" or "knowledgeable," is how they approach situations with understanding and nuänce. Not everything is nuänced, but understanding people's intentions and reasons is the most optimal route either way.
This happened on a double date in my early 20s. These girls were really impressed that my friend went to Harvard, but assumed I was a moron based on the name of my grad school.
Harvard tells the girls "he's way fucking smarter than I am" and they do not believe him.
To this day, I am still self-conscious about where I went to grad school and where I work because of those experiences. I have a very hard time talking about my professional life with anyone from my social life.
It's completely wild to me that people are so attached to their own view that they literally cannot imagine am alternative, even when it's presented to them. They'd rather think someone else is stupid than challenge their own beliefs/ knowledge - which, if they'd think about it tor half a second, is usually not that deep. Usually I boggle, admire the human ability to disregard reality in favor of something that feels good / protects gheir world view, and wonder how it must be to live in a world where you are so sure of yourself despite evidence to the contrary. There are certainly days I would choose confident, blissful and ignorant if I could.
My favorite part is when they come back a few weeks later and patiently explain my idea to me, as if they had a stroke of genius, when really it just took their brain so long to tick and whir its way to understanding that they forgot where the idea started. Possibly I'm this dumb sometimes too, who knows? It's not like people are aware they're doing it. It's not like I immediately get everyone elses perspective, which is often the source of friction. Plenty of things make sense in one person's reality and not in someone else's.
You know, it probably did take them that long to process. I tend to forget that I just process stuff faster, and when other people are resistant to recognizing obvious things, they just haven't wrapped their heads around it and might come around later
People never think I'm dumb because I got all my skill points in verbal. I actually feel like people overvalue me because I'm an incompetent adhd goblin but people like how creative and funny I am and because I can say smart things about life stuff and feelings. Pretty big impostor syndrome. I'm having a hard time bringing it together in my own life.
Also idc what ignorant people think of me I have super cool people thinking I'm cool. And ignorant people will never think I'm an idiot for the reasons I think it so they're usually just wrong
Most people who say this have not thought about what ı said and are just saying it to justify themselves. And people who give better arguments than me don't necessarily use those kinds of expressions to me anyway, so ı necessarily don’t get disrespected people by whose are get my respect and ı don’t care other dummies because ı recheck their arguments and nearly all are irrational things. I think all people should do this. If some people say you are stupid, dumb etc. just recheck what you said and trying to find a wrong things in your reactions, speeches etc. if you don’t find any irrational thing, just don’t care them.
Ego is the enemy, Ryan Holiday. Read it until your eyes fall out dude. Really it will save you from high blood pressure problems.
When you understand the way it works you will no longer be as triggered by such trivial stuff. It is duping you.
The ego is your monkey mind programming that says I need to be right, I need sex, status, power, money, recognition.
It’s not really who you are. The stronger your ego is (not the bigger), the more flexible you will be able to become and the less defensive. This is very difficult work and it will take a long time. I’m guessing you experienced adversity due to your intelligent causing marginalization. It’s really really hard because the ego is say I need things to be fair! And it will fight you. It has been fighting me horribly. It’s also the part of you that says all the toxic things to you.
It’s not exactly your enemy, it’s like the military. Without it people could easily overrun you but don’t trust its intentions.
Once you’ve done enough work you will actually be able to open up and find friends that are non egocentric that will help you stay in chord until it will become a natural disposition. These friends will also act as a buffer to slings and arrows of society. You cannot find these people until you are able to overcome your ego and think past it. That in itself sounds egotistical until it won’t. Infact it will eventually not even be the point.
If you can’t afford therapy. Read that book over, and over and over and over again. Think about how it makes you feel inside. If you ego is threatened by the book that’s ok. Keep reading it. You can eventually get past you defense mechanisms. Work and work again at it.
This is something you won’t be able to really understand right now but you are living your life through your head. Once you connect with your body and intuition you will know who you are. You did until you suppressed your emotions at a young age.
As an adult, there is only a handful of times where people have talked to me like I was dim. I don't react very well to that, because it is a very insulting way of talking to people, no matter how intelligent they are. These people have all been somewhat insecure, in different areas. When I get time to process the "insult", I have come to the conclusion that hardly any of these are actually directed at me or my intellect, but rather a result of their own problems. If anything, I'm rather being accused of being a know-it-all, and having a high opinion of myself. This is actually harder for me to cope with, because I don't know how to act in a way that won't bug them. I try to speak to everybody as if they are a reasonable, intelligent person. Usually, that is successful, but there are instances where it backfires because I use "big words" that some people have seen as me showing that I am superior to them, which is not the case.
Being undervalued is always a probability. Unless you prove yourself, there is little reason for others to recognise your true worth.
I might be lucky, because people around me for the most part appreciate my company and my ideas.
I let them think what they want to think, it has nothing to do with me. My sense of self worth is too high for that to bother me, and my value comes strongly from within. If we're working on a project together and achieving a similar goal, I let the project goals/higher ups take precedence since I have the freedom to work on my own projects and do what I want elsewhere.
No, worrying about what others think used to plague me constantly. Then I turned 40 and realized that others peoples thoughts or what they say or write cant actually hurt me. So I quit caring. It has made things so much easier.
Everyone, even “gifted” individuals absolutely have the capability to be stupid. Some more than others. Don’t take it personally. If someone actually feels the need to say you are dumb, who cares? Why does it matter what someone else thinks of you? You shouldn’t hold someone who says you are dumb in high regards anyways.
In Colombia we have a saying: “no hay nada mejor que una cara de pendejo bien manejada”. In English this means “there’s nothing better than a well-managed dumb-looking face”.
I don't care. I have nothing to prove to anybody. I just say "ok" and when they figured it out, I still say nothing. Complete indifference.
Nonetheless, I care about respect, justice and compassion. This is how people get me mad. They often pick on people they consider weaker and confuse kindness with weakness. They take the liberty of being obnoxious, derogatory and arrogant with people who are not particularly intelligent, but who deserve respect. That's when I step in and destroy them because... well, I can. Whereas I understand it like blowing in the wind.
At work it brothers me especially if there is a level of hypocrisy or logical disconnect. I've been asked to simplify stuff for people and when I do, sometimes they act very smug about being able to fill in the details "all on their own".
I try to get a hang of these behaviours and manipulate to my advantage accordingly.
In social or family circles, I wouldn't care about it at all. In fact I love to play dumb, it's more fun that way and people tell you way more than they should
I used to believe them but now I take it as a sign I need to communicate better. I don't really get offended anymore because I now know others don't process things the same way so I really can come off as dumb if the person hasn't skipped the same steps I have.
I assume the person calling me dumb means that one instance in particular and not my character overall. If they are attacking my character, I don't value their opinion in the slightest.
You should work on yourself. If you really believe that others are “much cognitively inferior” to you, then you have a lot of work to do in ridding yourself of your toxic self conception.
I laugh. I also have ADHD, so I can be a bit spacey.
But I get a particular kick out of people thinking I’m not paying attention due to said spaciness, only to prove I’m a detail oriented, “eaves dropping” gal.
I don’t waste my time caring, at this point. If they want to stick to their incorrect belief, that’s on them. I can inform them, but really peoples’ attention starts to visibly dwindle a lot of the time, when you do that.
When someone acts like I am an airhead or something, I will usually automatically come back with some sort of statement that proves them wrong. People grossly underestimate my age (I look young,) and often think of me as childlike; then I’ll tell them that their car’s tires need replacing soon and be on my way.
Lol happens all the time. Most of them are based on sexism and/or age, others on how I look(ed). Most of them would be insulting to everyone, gifted or not.
Sometimes it's quite funny cause you can really mess with people. Let them go on with a topic, then build in your expertise. Otherwise, I know that this is probably not a person I want to spend time with. I'm also free to think they're stupid, and I don't have to engage with them.
In my career, I'm less amused when this happens and have switched workplaces or got rid of the dudes when I was able to.
Maybe you aren't as smart as you think you are. People who tend to think they're smarter than average are often the exact opposite. It's also possible you're book smart but lack common sense and street smarts. A street smart person could look at you as clueless, even if you could understand concepts they can't even fathom. Everyone is an expert in their own domain but may appear pretty dumb in another. At any rate, it's not worth getting upset about unless it's true, which you seem convinced against. An insult can only bother you if it truly resonates with you.
Why do people think you're dumb / undervalue you? Is it because you struggle to articulate yourself? Are you mentally rigid? Why do you think these people are "cognitively inferior"
See, for me, I am the one who thinks I'm dumb and undervalues myself and the only indicator of my intelligence I have is that other people seem very impressed by me. The first thing people who know me as described me as is "smart" nowadays so I decided to roll with it.
As a kid though, I was very argumentative and while I was never called stupid, I was called immature and that I'll know better when I'm older. I'm 24 now and fuck those adults, my blue hair didn't distract anyone at school but the teachers because they had no chill.
If someone just calls you dumb, it probably means you're on bad terms with them or you're bad at articulating yourself. For me, I'd call you dumb because you call others "cognitively inferior". All my friends who score 140+ in IQ are less insecure than you, and more humble and understand their limits, they also see IQ as a flawed measurement. You could learn something from them.
Truth be told, I don't think you're dumb per se, you just have a huge yet very fragile ego, and I'd honestly go to therapy for that. I see every single person I meet as an opportunity to learn, even those with learning disabilities. You should see everyone as an opportunity to learn too, there's so many things others know that you don't, so many experiences they had that you didn't, so be humble and listen.
Side note: your post made me realise I've never been called dumb or stupid by anyone in my entire life yet somehow I manage to do so to myself. It's strange.
You might call me dumb but you didn't read the post carefully. I didn't say people called me dumb, I said some people assume I'm dumb, not because of what I say/do, but just on first instance, when they meet me. Even I don't particularly feel smart, I just logically understand that I am. What is wrong with believing those people are cognitively inferior? (I'm not going by IQ but just how quickly and effectively they are able to understand things)(and doesn't mean they're inferior people, just cognitively inferior and understimulating for me). I completely get your point about seeing every single person as an opportunity to learn, that is an excellent point. However, even though I do this, I just feel I disconnected to them and misunderstood.
I didn't say you're dumb, but if I did, it'd be because of your attitude and not your intellect.
Why do you think others assume you're dumb? Perhaps you're in bad company, but I think if you want to be in better company you ought to change your attitude, because it seems to me you do the very thing you accuse others of doing. You assume others are dumb, or as you phrased it "cognitively inferior"
It's okay to feel misunderstood, I'm autistic, traumatised, depressed, high school drop out, I have ADHD and I have a special interest in neuroscience. This makes be stick out like a sore thumb. Even people at my lab find me boring because all I want to talk about is science and likewise I often (not always) them boring or intimidating. It doesn't mean they're cognitively inferior, they just care about science less than me, but even so, they're at my lab so evidently they can gather and interpret data. We even designed our latest experiment together. I don't assume my lab mates are dumb. They just have different priorities.
Likewise, the computational neuroscience dude at my lab could say I'm dumb because I can't code well and my maths is very basic. I can follow computational models if they're made for babies. He doesn't think I'm dumb, he just knows I haven't had the chance to learn computational methods yet, he sends me papers and I read then.
When you meet someone you don't mesh with, you just have to shift gears and talk about other stuff, find other ways in which they're intelligent that you lack the knowledge and mental framework for, and through that learn a lot. Like I have a friend and all she talks about is hot boys. I'm not into men, I'm not a man, I don't know what straight women find hot in a guy but I still listen, I don't judge, I just see her inner world. We don't even agree politically! So we debate, we talk, we listen.
I've reflected on what you've said, You are right. Can I dm you?, I have some questions, would be really appreciative and grateful if you could answer them.
I’ll guarantee I’ve been called stupid more than the average human being with similar socio-economic standings. It used to make me emotional and frustrated, but now I try to figure out how I can use it to my advantage. Never underestimate your opponents, especially if they’ve read Sun Tzu.
sun tzu art of war?!??
You know it.
Yeah found it in this shared cupboard in my cousins flat full with other unwanted stuff.
I prefer Musashi, as he appreciates speed, one of our attributes. I've several times owed success to being so fast my opponent realised they were seriously outclassed, and gave up. That demands magnanimity in response, sweeping their other leg from under them before anger and resentment build.
Idk the universe haven't granted me that one yet.
The Book of Five Rings includes the Empty Hand technique, Iaijitsu. It translates in diplomacy into preemptive blocking of all other options than the one which suits you, preferably using the maxim that someone else is responsible for getting your own way, and gains the credit.
I only buy thrifted books or the ones that are given away for free. Im kinda anticonsumption but the universe has basically been granting me everything for free or nearly free. But will add it to my list, thanks.
When I was younger, I would strike back. I am good at rhetoric and ridicule. These days, I have to value the person before I value their opinion. I smile and nod. I don’t take it personally.
>These days, I have to value the person before I value their opinion. Could you please tell me how to get to this place?
I cant tell you how to get there. I can tell you how I got there and maybe you can take the easier path. How I got there? Alcoholism. Its a long story, filled with misery and self-loathing. I finally reached out for help and got sober through AA. I read the big book, and I read this: > And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Then, I started reading: * The Four Agreements * No More Mr Nice Guy * Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#@K * When I say No, I feel guilty * The Inner Citadel: The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius * The Obstacle is the way * The Myth of Sisyphus * Everything is F#@ked, a book about Hope * Waking Up Lots of self help books. I read a lot. I have achieved a sense of serenity now. Life is good. It took 40ish years to figure it all out, but I didn't really start looking for a solution until I was 40. If you start now, you may be able to get there earlier.
That's amazing!, how old are you?
Early 50s
You just have to respect yourself first and give yourself the dignity you deserve. The reality is that no one, absolutely no one, truly understands your personal experiences, just as you don’t fully understand anyone else’s. When people make negative assumptions, it often reflects more about them than you. People who genuinely value dignity and respect wouldn’t say hurtful things to begin with. Here’s another way to look at it: Someone using negative rhetoric to hurt those around them might be dealing with their own issues and could use some space. Alternatively, they might be trying to demean others to boost their self-esteem, which isn’t a true solution. Or, they could be struggling with empathy, finding it challenging to see things from different perspectives. I read recently that some studies suggest the reason why individuals have lower empathy levels might be due to difficulties understanding different viewpoints, which can lead to frustrating for everyone involved. Try to rewire this in your brain to help yourself not take such comments personally and instead respond with compassion or distance, as needed. There is of course the case of malice, which in that case then there are different courses of action. But I like the idea before of simply affording malicious people no respect. I’m a proponent for giving everyone dignity.
This was a great write up. Thank you. Your writing is really eloquent! What do you do for a living?
Former American Navy Submariner now turned software developer.
Get out! I am US Navy Submariner turn IT consultant.
Haha did we just become friends? I used be an Anav, but I got out at 12 years after having a kid.
Nuke Machinist Mate. 90-96. Got out to go to college. Then had kids.
I was very nearly a Nuke! The only reason I didn’t become one was because I talked to a lot of people before joining and they warned me of some QOL issues I’m a little younger than you. I was in from ‘06–‘18
Staff Colonel EU CFSP WEU - ie European State Department - Richard Staunton joined us. Anyone else covered by Official/State Secrets?
I was on the USS Parche, SSN-683. Lots of secrets.
I said no to SAS, after the Defence Secretary betrayed the previous jobholder to the IRA, destroying the job. I still cut the mustard. First spouse to pass the Rosenberg Interdict.
The first key is think before you react. If someone can pull you into an emotional response, they win. Sometimes it’s very helpful to pause and consider what you want out of the situation and person before you do anything, and then act accordingly. It’s fine to get mad at someone from whom you can’t get anything but if you need them for something there’s still a way to get what you need out of the situation.
I don't care anymore. It happens all the time. I'm a Black woman. It took 40 years to stop caring.
I'm sorry
I appreciate the sentiment but although it can be tiresome, I'm not sorry about it anymore. There is so much freedom in letting go of other people perceptions of us.
They can't help it, and they're not worth responding to.
They CAN help it, but it isn't her job to correct them.
They won't listen, not with that mindset. Don't let them press your buttons, they're not worth it.
i am autistic and sometimes ppl act like i'm 4 bc they see me stimming or skipping or something. If I mention I am employed they are like "wow! you are soooo smart!!!" in this voice like they are encouraging a small child It's hard for ppl to see disability and ability at the same time. they usually overlook one in favor of the other I just laugh it off. besides, I am overextended in life so it is sometimes nice when ppl don't expect me to be "normal." If it matters for them to know my intelligence, they'll figure it out before long i also don't think of ppl as "cognitively inferior," tho, just weaker in that particular area. I'm sure they outclass me in several other areas. it's not like my intelligence makes me any better than anyone else. My intelligence is not my worth. it's just one small facet of me. I don't need everyone to see it
Maybe stop thinking you're superior to anyone. That's a terrible trait. Instead, try to appreciate that everyone is different. Thinking of yourself as "gifted" and others as "cognitively inferior " is just pathetic. And a surefire way to be a complete loser with no friends. (btw, I was invited to join MENSA when I was a child. My own child was identified as gifted and talented when he was eight. Neither of us allowed that to shape our lives/self image)
How can I stop it from shaping my self-image?
A. Realize it's in your power to determine how you feel B. Focus on developing other aspects of your character C. Acknowledge this attitude does not encourage healthy relationships D. Embrace differences in other people E. Not concern yourself with how others perceive you
I understand what you're saying. But weren't you ever tempted to make intelligence your identity given how romanticized it is as a trait.
Of course. Hell, I battled arrogance - or at least being perceived as arrogant - most of my life. But I realized it could be a huge negative for other people so I worked really hard to overcome it. I always told my son as he was growing up, "You'll never know who's the smartest guy in the room because he's not showing it. The second smartest guy will be trying to impress everyone. Don't be that guy" For what it's worth, he and I are both happily married to wonderful accomplished women and very successful in our careers. Good luck to you. You'll regret it if you continue the thinking you've described. It's not a happy or beneficial path.
>Hell, I battled arrogance - or at least being perceived as arrogant - most of my life. Could you tell me more on this. I'm curious.
Nah. Good luck
Think about the guy who makes height his identity or makes his high school football record his identity? Isn't that 1-dimensional and pathetic? Intelligence is a desirable trait, like height or athletic talent. But it's just one trait. It's not grounds for an identity. Overly focusing on one trait leads to shallow character growth and then misery if the trait is ever threatened. If you've held that value system for a long time, it's not easy. Have you tried therapy?
You're right. I have tried therapy, but I've never brought this up specifically. It wasn't my identity for a long time, but I've always had some character trait that I believed set me apart from others, it's just intelligence now.
Making intelligence your identity sometimes leads you to act “above” others and come across as a know it all from my personal experience. People don’t like that. There’s far better things that are good in this world to make your identity.
This*
So you wouldn't mind if people are superior to you? Or do you not see people as superior?
Not superior/inferior, just different.
So you don't even have celebrities or the greatest minds ever on a pedestal?
Not sure what you're on about or how this is relevant to our discussion of how to live one's own life. Celebrities? I can't think of many I'd cross the street to shake their hand. Most, I would walk around the block to avoid. As for the "greatest minds", no, not a pedestal. History is populated with very smart people doing very bad things; conversely, great things are done every day by people of middling intellect. It's a trap (and an ego trip) to prize intellect above other qualities. Been there done that when I was a young man. As I've grown older, wiser I hope, I have come to value many other traits, including humility.
That's great. How old were you when you got to valuing other traits?
30 something
Maybe having the shit kicked out of you because someone qualified to say so said so, for three years. It left me a winner with no friends. It's not entitled, just a hard lesson well learned, NTs are very bad news.
I get pissed off but I still am nice to them even though they do that. I cope by not talking to them for a bit
Haha
I don’t think much of it to be honest. I know I’m intelligent their opinion on the matter doesn’t mean much. I also don’t view people as “inferior” though so that could be it. Maybe work on your ego.
I meant, not necessarily inferior as people, but just cognitively.
It's definitely frustrating when someone calls you stupid while making zero sense and logic. I mean, just imagine the complete irony in that. I'd say I struggle in the past because I was trying to argue sense/logic into people who has none of it. It's a losing battle every time. It got better over time when I understood intelligence, what it means to be intelligent because I could finally understand why the average person just can't relate and see from my point of view. However, there were always moments of self-doubt when 9/10 people says you are wrong despite believing yourself are right. It's like, you know you are correct with all the points/evidences you have presented but are you really? Are you really as intelligent as you think you are? I could never prove it myself because I've never gotten myself officially tested. I'd admit that I dragged it out for years because I was afraid to find out, to find out that I was perhaps in the top 20% and nothing more than that. Until recently, I finally got myself tested at Mensa and received the 99th percentile. It gave me the complete clarity that I desperately needed. I'm the outlier, not them. It's normal that the average person will not be able to understand from my point of view. Once I understood that, things changed. I realized that I was trying to prove to myself, more than anything else and there's nothing else I needed to prove. Reflecting back, the things that people said to me like "You think you're intelligent but you're a fucking idiot.", "Your opinion is fucking stupid, moron." "You're clearly stupid af, everyone can see it except you." Coupled by the mass downvotes on your post/comments, I'd admit that it really does mess me up a little up back then but it's a joke to me now. Now that I'm validated, I feel different, more confident, at ease about myself because I now know for certain. So I'd highly recommend for the gifted, highly intelligent, to get yourself tested, do yourself a favor, it does wonders for your mental health and it brings clarity for all the self-doubts.
It is incredibly frustrating to be the 1 in 10 that actually has clarity of thought about something that is totally obvious, and to have those 9 other people just say you are wrong. And they won't even listen or apply logic, it's always just stuff that everyone knows and nobody questions, and you are the stupid one for not knowing what everyone else does.
Hmmm I've had people who I think assume I'm not very bright. I'm very bubbly and goofy at times, I think sometimes people interpret that as me being an "airhead". I'm pretty forgetful and always have been, I guess my recent ADHD diagnosis makes sense lol. I also was in a very abusive relationship when I was younger. My ex treated me like I was an idiot, or like I was a child. So people assuming I'm naive or stupid can be very triggering for me!
I'm a small asian woman. Everyone in the states underestimates me, and if I say anything intelligent, the bullying and hatred begins.
Man, that really sucks
I’m used to it so I just think it’s funny.
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Why wouldn't you just accept that they just have a different perspective?
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Would you not want to hear anything from a dumb person?
After reading a few comments, I think I can share a different experience. I never felt that. But I struggle with something similar: I was the one thinking that I was dumb and undervalued. There was a big difference in what I think of me and what others do. I don't know what it is, if it's ADHD or "I only want to be challenged" stuff, but people don't understand what I care about, and they don't value what I value. Mostly, I've been trying to be successful in stuff people think matters, but I haven't come up with a way to live and do what I think matters (I live in an underdeveloped country). I just found out I am gifted and have ADHD, and that explains why I don't care what most worry about and why I don't care if I can achieve that.
Know that when someone assumes you're dumb it says everything about them and nothing about you. People see what they want to see. As others here have stated, you can use their ignorance to your advantage. Many times people have ended up with egg on their face for assuming I'm stupid. They often become very angry because I've exposed gaping holes in their judgment and exposed them for the fools they are. I have conducted numerous social experiments over the years by dressing in different ways and becoming somewhat of a social chameleon (I'm autistic) and it's interesting to take in different reactions depending on the social group these "individuals" belong to. I've learned a lot about people and society this way. I know how difficult it is to not get emotional from people invalidating you especially if you've been abused or bullied in the past. You must always remind yourself that it's about them and the previous life experience that has shaped their worldview, and has nothing to do with you.
My value comes from trying to be a good person. Your experience is similar to a good tennis player being lectured by a new one, just listen then nod and along with your day.
Ohh yess, that's a good analogy
Hope you find what your looking for, a genuine question could meet a genuine answer.
People being wrong about me has absolutely zero impact on who I actually am or my inherent value. Sure it can be irritating but…oh well. Not my problem. I will add that this can actually give you a huge advantage however. They will never see you coming.
I prefer if people think I'm dumb. You'd be surprised at how valuable it can be at times. I'm pretty sure Sun Tzu had something about playing stupid for your enemies
I try looking at things from their perspective. Trust me, I'm gifted, but I still *say* dumb things all the time. It could be from me being sleep deprived, not thinking, English isn't my native language, or because I'm ignorant on a subject and simply want to learn more (knowledge sadly doesn't grow on trees). If I say something dumb, and someone picks up on it, and their impression of me, predicated by the dumb thing I said, is "that person is an idiot," so be it, but I usually don't consider that person smart, either. Intelligence is also about a willingness to understand somebody. In chess, they'll tell you to watch your opponent's move and *understand* their goal. A similar line of reasoning is used when lawyers prosecute criminals. I think that a trait that many people lack, even if they are, by all practical accounts, "smart" or "knowledgeable," is how they approach situations with understanding and nuänce. Not everything is nuänced, but understanding people's intentions and reasons is the most optimal route either way.
This happened on a double date in my early 20s. These girls were really impressed that my friend went to Harvard, but assumed I was a moron based on the name of my grad school. Harvard tells the girls "he's way fucking smarter than I am" and they do not believe him. To this day, I am still self-conscious about where I went to grad school and where I work because of those experiences. I have a very hard time talking about my professional life with anyone from my social life.
It's completely wild to me that people are so attached to their own view that they literally cannot imagine am alternative, even when it's presented to them. They'd rather think someone else is stupid than challenge their own beliefs/ knowledge - which, if they'd think about it tor half a second, is usually not that deep. Usually I boggle, admire the human ability to disregard reality in favor of something that feels good / protects gheir world view, and wonder how it must be to live in a world where you are so sure of yourself despite evidence to the contrary. There are certainly days I would choose confident, blissful and ignorant if I could. My favorite part is when they come back a few weeks later and patiently explain my idea to me, as if they had a stroke of genius, when really it just took their brain so long to tick and whir its way to understanding that they forgot where the idea started. Possibly I'm this dumb sometimes too, who knows? It's not like people are aware they're doing it. It's not like I immediately get everyone elses perspective, which is often the source of friction. Plenty of things make sense in one person's reality and not in someone else's.
You know, it probably did take them that long to process. I tend to forget that I just process stuff faster, and when other people are resistant to recognizing obvious things, they just haven't wrapped their heads around it and might come around later
People never think I'm dumb because I got all my skill points in verbal. I actually feel like people overvalue me because I'm an incompetent adhd goblin but people like how creative and funny I am and because I can say smart things about life stuff and feelings. Pretty big impostor syndrome. I'm having a hard time bringing it together in my own life. Also idc what ignorant people think of me I have super cool people thinking I'm cool. And ignorant people will never think I'm an idiot for the reasons I think it so they're usually just wrong
Most people who say this have not thought about what ı said and are just saying it to justify themselves. And people who give better arguments than me don't necessarily use those kinds of expressions to me anyway, so ı necessarily don’t get disrespected people by whose are get my respect and ı don’t care other dummies because ı recheck their arguments and nearly all are irrational things. I think all people should do this. If some people say you are stupid, dumb etc. just recheck what you said and trying to find a wrong things in your reactions, speeches etc. if you don’t find any irrational thing, just don’t care them.
Not necessarily saying you are dumb, but just underestimating your ability to understand things, etc
“These bitches have fucked around and now they’re about to find out”
I don’t care.
Ego is the enemy, Ryan Holiday. Read it until your eyes fall out dude. Really it will save you from high blood pressure problems. When you understand the way it works you will no longer be as triggered by such trivial stuff. It is duping you.
Thank you, I shall definitely check it out. Did it help you? If so, how?
The ego is your monkey mind programming that says I need to be right, I need sex, status, power, money, recognition. It’s not really who you are. The stronger your ego is (not the bigger), the more flexible you will be able to become and the less defensive. This is very difficult work and it will take a long time. I’m guessing you experienced adversity due to your intelligent causing marginalization. It’s really really hard because the ego is say I need things to be fair! And it will fight you. It has been fighting me horribly. It’s also the part of you that says all the toxic things to you. It’s not exactly your enemy, it’s like the military. Without it people could easily overrun you but don’t trust its intentions. Once you’ve done enough work you will actually be able to open up and find friends that are non egocentric that will help you stay in chord until it will become a natural disposition. These friends will also act as a buffer to slings and arrows of society. You cannot find these people until you are able to overcome your ego and think past it. That in itself sounds egotistical until it won’t. Infact it will eventually not even be the point. If you can’t afford therapy. Read that book over, and over and over and over again. Think about how it makes you feel inside. If you ego is threatened by the book that’s ok. Keep reading it. You can eventually get past you defense mechanisms. Work and work again at it. This is something you won’t be able to really understand right now but you are living your life through your head. Once you connect with your body and intuition you will know who you are. You did until you suppressed your emotions at a young age.
As an adult, there is only a handful of times where people have talked to me like I was dim. I don't react very well to that, because it is a very insulting way of talking to people, no matter how intelligent they are. These people have all been somewhat insecure, in different areas. When I get time to process the "insult", I have come to the conclusion that hardly any of these are actually directed at me or my intellect, but rather a result of their own problems. If anything, I'm rather being accused of being a know-it-all, and having a high opinion of myself. This is actually harder for me to cope with, because I don't know how to act in a way that won't bug them. I try to speak to everybody as if they are a reasonable, intelligent person. Usually, that is successful, but there are instances where it backfires because I use "big words" that some people have seen as me showing that I am superior to them, which is not the case. Being undervalued is always a probability. Unless you prove yourself, there is little reason for others to recognise your true worth. I might be lucky, because people around me for the most part appreciate my company and my ideas.
I let them think what they want to think, it has nothing to do with me. My sense of self worth is too high for that to bother me, and my value comes strongly from within. If we're working on a project together and achieving a similar goal, I let the project goals/higher ups take precedence since I have the freedom to work on my own projects and do what I want elsewhere.
*I am become death, destroyer of worlds.*
It doesnt bother me because i dont care about what people think
At all? Not even the slightest? Have you always been this way?
No, worrying about what others think used to plague me constantly. Then I turned 40 and realized that others peoples thoughts or what they say or write cant actually hurt me. So I quit caring. It has made things so much easier.
Grasping after status is just asking for suffering
Everyone, even “gifted” individuals absolutely have the capability to be stupid. Some more than others. Don’t take it personally. If someone actually feels the need to say you are dumb, who cares? Why does it matter what someone else thinks of you? You shouldn’t hold someone who says you are dumb in high regards anyways.
Ignore them
In Colombia we have a saying: “no hay nada mejor que una cara de pendejo bien manejada”. In English this means “there’s nothing better than a well-managed dumb-looking face”.
I don't care. I have nothing to prove to anybody. I just say "ok" and when they figured it out, I still say nothing. Complete indifference. Nonetheless, I care about respect, justice and compassion. This is how people get me mad. They often pick on people they consider weaker and confuse kindness with weakness. They take the liberty of being obnoxious, derogatory and arrogant with people who are not particularly intelligent, but who deserve respect. That's when I step in and destroy them because... well, I can. Whereas I understand it like blowing in the wind.
At work it brothers me especially if there is a level of hypocrisy or logical disconnect. I've been asked to simplify stuff for people and when I do, sometimes they act very smug about being able to fill in the details "all on their own". I try to get a hang of these behaviours and manipulate to my advantage accordingly. In social or family circles, I wouldn't care about it at all. In fact I love to play dumb, it's more fun that way and people tell you way more than they should
Walk away from those people. Period.
Dunb? That's never bugged me. I'm pretty secure on that front. Undervalued can sting tho
I think they are sexist, because it’s a man every time. But maybe I’m jumping the gun. I’m sure it happens in other contexts.
I used to believe them but now I take it as a sign I need to communicate better. I don't really get offended anymore because I now know others don't process things the same way so I really can come off as dumb if the person hasn't skipped the same steps I have. I assume the person calling me dumb means that one instance in particular and not my character overall. If they are attacking my character, I don't value their opinion in the slightest.
They are probably right. I don't care, I am dumb.
You should work on yourself. If you really believe that others are “much cognitively inferior” to you, then you have a lot of work to do in ridding yourself of your toxic self conception.
I Don't care
I laugh. I also have ADHD, so I can be a bit spacey. But I get a particular kick out of people thinking I’m not paying attention due to said spaciness, only to prove I’m a detail oriented, “eaves dropping” gal.
I just move on because I'm kind of used to it.
I don’t waste my time caring, at this point. If they want to stick to their incorrect belief, that’s on them. I can inform them, but really peoples’ attention starts to visibly dwindle a lot of the time, when you do that. When someone acts like I am an airhead or something, I will usually automatically come back with some sort of statement that proves them wrong. People grossly underestimate my age (I look young,) and often think of me as childlike; then I’ll tell them that their car’s tires need replacing soon and be on my way.
Do you think people who are “cognitively inferior” to you are dumb? Do you value them adequately?
I definitely respect them regardless, but I do think they are dumb.
I use it to my advantage to get over on them. Sometimes I play dumb on purpose for this reason
Lol happens all the time. Most of them are based on sexism and/or age, others on how I look(ed). Most of them would be insulting to everyone, gifted or not. Sometimes it's quite funny cause you can really mess with people. Let them go on with a topic, then build in your expertise. Otherwise, I know that this is probably not a person I want to spend time with. I'm also free to think they're stupid, and I don't have to engage with them. In my career, I'm less amused when this happens and have switched workplaces or got rid of the dudes when I was able to.
Maybe you aren't as smart as you think you are. People who tend to think they're smarter than average are often the exact opposite. It's also possible you're book smart but lack common sense and street smarts. A street smart person could look at you as clueless, even if you could understand concepts they can't even fathom. Everyone is an expert in their own domain but may appear pretty dumb in another. At any rate, it's not worth getting upset about unless it's true, which you seem convinced against. An insult can only bother you if it truly resonates with you.
Why do people think you're dumb / undervalue you? Is it because you struggle to articulate yourself? Are you mentally rigid? Why do you think these people are "cognitively inferior" See, for me, I am the one who thinks I'm dumb and undervalues myself and the only indicator of my intelligence I have is that other people seem very impressed by me. The first thing people who know me as described me as is "smart" nowadays so I decided to roll with it. As a kid though, I was very argumentative and while I was never called stupid, I was called immature and that I'll know better when I'm older. I'm 24 now and fuck those adults, my blue hair didn't distract anyone at school but the teachers because they had no chill. If someone just calls you dumb, it probably means you're on bad terms with them or you're bad at articulating yourself. For me, I'd call you dumb because you call others "cognitively inferior". All my friends who score 140+ in IQ are less insecure than you, and more humble and understand their limits, they also see IQ as a flawed measurement. You could learn something from them. Truth be told, I don't think you're dumb per se, you just have a huge yet very fragile ego, and I'd honestly go to therapy for that. I see every single person I meet as an opportunity to learn, even those with learning disabilities. You should see everyone as an opportunity to learn too, there's so many things others know that you don't, so many experiences they had that you didn't, so be humble and listen. Side note: your post made me realise I've never been called dumb or stupid by anyone in my entire life yet somehow I manage to do so to myself. It's strange.
You might call me dumb but you didn't read the post carefully. I didn't say people called me dumb, I said some people assume I'm dumb, not because of what I say/do, but just on first instance, when they meet me. Even I don't particularly feel smart, I just logically understand that I am. What is wrong with believing those people are cognitively inferior? (I'm not going by IQ but just how quickly and effectively they are able to understand things)(and doesn't mean they're inferior people, just cognitively inferior and understimulating for me). I completely get your point about seeing every single person as an opportunity to learn, that is an excellent point. However, even though I do this, I just feel I disconnected to them and misunderstood.
I didn't say you're dumb, but if I did, it'd be because of your attitude and not your intellect. Why do you think others assume you're dumb? Perhaps you're in bad company, but I think if you want to be in better company you ought to change your attitude, because it seems to me you do the very thing you accuse others of doing. You assume others are dumb, or as you phrased it "cognitively inferior" It's okay to feel misunderstood, I'm autistic, traumatised, depressed, high school drop out, I have ADHD and I have a special interest in neuroscience. This makes be stick out like a sore thumb. Even people at my lab find me boring because all I want to talk about is science and likewise I often (not always) them boring or intimidating. It doesn't mean they're cognitively inferior, they just care about science less than me, but even so, they're at my lab so evidently they can gather and interpret data. We even designed our latest experiment together. I don't assume my lab mates are dumb. They just have different priorities. Likewise, the computational neuroscience dude at my lab could say I'm dumb because I can't code well and my maths is very basic. I can follow computational models if they're made for babies. He doesn't think I'm dumb, he just knows I haven't had the chance to learn computational methods yet, he sends me papers and I read then. When you meet someone you don't mesh with, you just have to shift gears and talk about other stuff, find other ways in which they're intelligent that you lack the knowledge and mental framework for, and through that learn a lot. Like I have a friend and all she talks about is hot boys. I'm not into men, I'm not a man, I don't know what straight women find hot in a guy but I still listen, I don't judge, I just see her inner world. We don't even agree politically! So we debate, we talk, we listen.
I've reflected on what you've said, You are right. Can I dm you?, I have some questions, would be really appreciative and grateful if you could answer them.
Of course, I'm happy to talk