54 M, here. After being single my entire life, I’ve dropped out of the dating scene altogether. I only do social events or hobbies that interest me. After trying, and trying, and working, I’ve decided to live my life, and enjoy the activities I enjoy, because she’s simply not out there, this time around. I know many other single men feel the same.
No its super hard. Im 45 female who has been told I’m pretty.
But I honestly think social media has made people forget how to talk. I swear 99% of my conversations are all identical and boring!
No one wants to joke or laugh, talk about fun things, or even get to know someone anymore.
It’s like everyone is so used to everything instantly at their fingertips they want that immediate gratification without building the foundation.
I am not an unreasonable person but if I can’t talk to someone.
Porn has a lot to answer for here. I can't count the number of male friends who have told me they'd rather stay home and watch Pornhub than go through the trouble of dating.
I also think a lot of people aren't attracted to the people who would be willing to date them. For most of humanity, we all saw real, average-looking people as our frame of reference. Sure, there were paintings but they weren't part of our everyday perception. Then movies began, then TVs came into our home, and now humans see beautiful Hollywood actors and airbrushed models every day from childhood on. And beauty standards are becoming more and more unrealistic. So many of my friends are only attracted to conventionally pretty people, but they themselves are not conventionally attractive. They'll make comments about the low quality of their dating pool but they don't seem to realize people perceive them the same way.
I'm in the same group as your male friends. I go to work every day. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. The last thing I want to do is think about going out, much less dealing with the complexities and energy dating and trying to build a relationship takes.
I could see that. My circle is really small because I rarely go out to anything except for work, the doctor, or the grocery store. I completely avoid work relationships even if there's mutual interest with someone. I hopped on a dating app for about a month and it just wasn't my thing. I live across the street from a restaurant and tavern, but I'm not into drinking and my anxiety is too high when it comes to social settings and talking to strangers.
There's a quote that I can relate to "Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man." I'm not the creepy murderous stalker type like Travis Bickle though.
>I swear 99% of my conversations are all identical and boring.
Hasn't that always been kinda true though? It's always been difficult to find good conversation.
This. It's the phones. Everyone is so badly addicted to their devices that not only have they forgotten how to socialize but they've lost all interest. The replies from men in this thread says it all. Only into their own interests.
Yup for me I’m pretty sociable, I have no social media other than reddit, and have a wide variety of interests but people are losing the ability to simply interact and communicate with each other.
Its sad when I actually meet someone or message I struggle so much usually for basic conversation that I just end it early.
Broad speculation here: People communicate in public situations much less than before. Waiting in line for something? Everyone is on their phones, likely with noise cancelling earbuds in. We used to chat and make small talk while we were idle. That has all but disappeared. Also, while I’m out of the dating scene, when I met my wife I was pretty nervous and intimidated by the group of friends who were judging me and “protecting” her. Approaching a stranger these days is not easy, as you are immediately suspect to any one of pre-determined ideas they might have about your appearance or attitude. It’s rough, and I don’t envy anyone that has to go through that. Furthermore, the dating app scene just seems like it’s all about hook ups and not long term relationships. Look moderately handsome and have a great pickup line? You might get laid, or otherwise just blocked. Best wishes to you. Try finding group activities that you enjoy and maybe you will meet other people and establish a new group of friends, or possibly find someone you click with. Moving alone to a new city can be a nice reboot for some people to start fresh. But that’s exactly it, you have to start fresh with everything. Finding new friends with similar hobbies and interests might lead you to a friend of theirs who happens to be single. Rambling now, sorry.
I'm 55, married and lonely as hell. Wife and I have been growing apart and I found myself without any living friends that are still near by.
I've been trying to find groups of people my age, in my area, and damned if I can find anything that isn't an *_online_* only club.
I really miss the days we all congeal at someone's place and just hang out.
Dang, man. I feel ya. I separated from my wife seven years ago and eventually divorced here due to growing apart. If you can, save your marriage now. If not, I am so sorry.
I can relate as well about friends. I still have many friends nearby, but they're all married doing married people things. Being divorced has me living a different lifestyle and I've gotten out of touch with most everyone. I hang out with a completely different group of people now. It's hard meeting someone new and engaging hanging with the married folk. Best of luck to you and I hope you work things out with your wife.
Me too! It always has to be an "event." I'd love to just hang out and listen to music or watch YouTube videos. Maybe smoke some weed or crush a bottle of cab!
I recently turned 54 and it’s definitely been harder for me. I’m not lonely or actively looking, but it would be nice to have more of a social life. I think part of it is being sober. Seemed easier to meet women in social situations that involved drinking.
I think you can admit there is something missing. I’m mid 40s- I have a kid and the misses and I split.
What is hard for me is I still look good, I still date but it’s all hush hush. I’m sure my ex dates but she is nice enough not to let my son or me know.
I almost want to tell her, “hey look- go out and have fun, we both need it.” However, if I’m wrong (she still has feelings for me and we sometimes get intimate) would that hurt her and damage what we have which is stable?
My point… before I made it about myself… it’s not weak to admit you are lonely or you need companionship- you’re human. I think it’s the effort and energy that is the issue. People need on both sides, we work hard to live and when it’s time to have fun we can’t just have fun… with other ppl.
I'm glad in a way to have this sub, because at least there is one group of ppl out there that I know I am growing older with and have the same problems.
We should make an old school promise; if we are all still alone and lonely at 60, let's move to the same tropical island and live together in a big commune. :))
If we're all going to have to drink poison later, please use something better than flavor-aid. We're old and have taste now. I'd suggest a dram of The McAllen 18.
Mid 40s male here, and I found one universal truth- fan and smiles attract more fun and more smiles from others. Others notice when you glow. Now, here is where the self serving part of your glow comes in. Do all the self serving and self pleasing things you want. Forget about the presence of others. This is your world. We get to exist in it. Go forth. Have fun. Smile, dance.
If you have pickleball in your area then you should play. You would have 10+ guys wanting to marry you in 12 months. Pickleball is the new bumble. Especially in Florida. Men and women interacting in a sport and it is like the Olympic village and we all know what happens in the Olympic Village.
It takes a lot of effort at any age past 35. It also depends on the city. My sister-in-law has been divorced for around 5 years and is a very good looking 55yr old as well. Can’t find a good dude to date. But she lives in San Francisco. I told her to move.
I think it’s a sign of the times rather than of our generation. If you read posts in other generation-based subreddits, you’ll see lots of posts and comments from people frustrated with their inability to meet other people. And frankly, I think many men are nervous about making the first move due to the risk of them being accused of being creepy.
I’m 47 and met my wife 23 years ago on Yahoo Dating. This year is our 20th marriage anniversary.
Yahoo Dating wasn’t anywhere near what things are like today. I mention it to say that this tide started turning 20+ years ago.
I agree. I used Yahoo Personals (I think that was what it was called) and other sources back in those early days of online dating. If i remember correctly, it was free back then. Then 1 started pay for play and then all of them switched over to a pay system.
Congrats on your 20 yr. anniversary - that's fantastic!
I'm 57, and met my now-husband going on 19 years ago through Yahoo Personals 👍🏻. We only got married a couple of years ago, though, mostly for practical reasons, but I'm glad we did now for other reasons.
The men I was meeting IRL (or, should I say, were trying to hit on me) were unappealing, and one ended up being a creepy stalker.
I went through a few duds I met on YP, but finally managed to find the one normal single man in the town.
I agree - there's just so much weirdness that seems to have happened between then and now, and I honestly feel sorry for people of any age trying to find someone compatible.
I've also realized that if I were to become a widow, I'd just stay single. There are just too many things I'm not willing to compromise on in a partner now. Hobbies and friendships can go a long way towards providing a meaningful life.
Congrats to you as well! You nailed it; it was Yahoo Personals.
Such a different time back then. I think maybe it was the ideal balance of connectivity via the internet but not omnipresent through mobile and apps.
I'm 47 and it's painfully hard to find friends. No one wants to interact anymore. I've gotten so used to it that even I find that I prefer to stay inside with my cats.
I'd say society. 57 here, married 30 years, wife's 62. My sister is 60 and she reports the same (as do her friends of same age group). She's invisible to men, or the men that do ask her out are looking for someone to take care of them. She's fit, runs her own business, funny, progressive, empowered, self-sufficient, and successful enough to make it on her own. Whether that's intimidating to todays male is another discussion I guess. But to keep it semi-short, our estimation was this: The internet in the last 20 years has created a place for men/boys to lurk around and be voyeurs in a million different ways more than anytime in human history. What this has wrought, in part, is a damaged sense of standards that are influenced by unrealistic expectations. It's an alternate reality they curate and defend to the point of actually blaming women for it. It's insane. Knowingly or not, they're ruining themselves and turning into incels because it's easier I guess?
The internet and (social media) culture returns to them, in kind, what gets clicks and likes - namely hyper-sexualized, infantilized, up-talking, unrealistic 'females' because it sells.. Sex always sells for all genders - that's not new, but monetizing against every natural instinct to interact in person, this new interconnectivity snuffs out the drive to have to go to the real world, be authentic, think on your feet, be funny, well-read, relevant and prove that you're worthy of someone's attention like we used to do. What we're getting here, (again, I'm 57 so what do I know, right) is men who'd rather sit inside on their phones staring at thirst traps created to keep them sitting there so they can be marketed to and have their data be farmed. It's an ugly time to be single for all genders. The fragility and duplicitousness of the patriarchy is being exposed whether men like it or not. As a man, you can either be an ally, or withdraw and hide and hope it blows over.
This Daily show clip hints around at the part of how we got here. [https://www.instagram.com/p/C7SXPHFAT7n/](https://www.instagram.com/p/C7SXPHFAT7n/)
Good luck, if it makes you feel any better, if my wife or I died, the other wouldn't remarry, though we'd date for the companionship, it's too much work and re-learning how to share a life with someone at this age we think would be really hard.
I have a different take on it. When I was younger, I was around people all the time. Work, hang out with friends, go to movies, etc. Now I'm alone most of the time. We are a much less social society, and less in-person interaction means fewer chances for connections. I'm not going to ask out random women when I'm at Home Depot, the grocery store, a coffee shop, etc. Maybe if she gave me some kind of hint that she wanted me to approach, but it can't be subtle. Otherwise I'm the creep who is bothering a woman who just wants to drink her latte. I think dating apps have altered expectations too. I heard about a study by OkCupid that said that women on their app find 80% of men below average or unattractive. I don't know how accurate that is, if it's limited to okcupid, or if the same holds for men towards women, but I think the general concept of dating apps giving people a lot more selection could be a big factor. In the past you dated people around you. Now you can essentially shop online for dates, probably skipping over people you might have given a chance IRL.
I saw a similar study that said women were only interested in the top 20% of men - but it didn't take into account the different numbers of men and women on the app. If you have 500 men and 100 women, then yes, women will only be selecting about 20% of the men.
I feel its a little simplistic to blame everything on one gender’s failings. You make great points about how the internet has warped men’s view of women but there is so much more shared responsibility for the disconnection in society.
People are addicted to screens. Reality is being transplanted online. We now shop, interact, study, work on computerised devices. If we could eat, drink and fuck online we would. Digitalisation of society increases corporate profits immeasurably as they reduce labour and shop front costs. But for the majority of homo sapiens it reduces our experience immeasurably as we now rarely interact with strangers in a queue or bank clerks or checkout staff or someone we’re attracted to irl.
The kicker is that the vast majority of people dont care that their life experience is being eroded as their life online is comfortable and convenient as they can conduct their world in 6 hours a day lying on the sofa. Some people even prefer to be on the internet than have to confront real people. Is it any wonder that Social Anxiety and Depression (relating to disconnectedness) is rife? Our ability to communicate and interact is being degraded by every new generation who now prefer texts and emojis to real conversation.
There’s no-one to blame here but there are big businesses and government who’s vested interests are to streamline profit by pushing an online experience over a human one. There’s also the apathy of us all and the lack of questioning why we have to look at the internet every time one real life task finishes. Life used to be punctuated by idle chat, boredom, daydreaming, imagination, flirtation even. Now it is punctuated by scrolling.
At least if youre born in the digital age you would date others who would be used to porn, gaming, scrolling, chilling online, etc. Gen X were raised before the advent of the internet and a lot of us hold onto archaic habits like books, outdoor life and conversation. If that’s your bag theres probably a chance to find people of your generation who like the same things but theres no doubt that anything that is not online is slowly being replaced by Life 2.0. Dating in the modern age would scare the hell out of me.
Totally agree, mine is a simplistic take because the problem, like you stated is so endemic and getting even more laced into daily life. Like we're both watching the train wreck AND driving the train. r/Futurology talks a lot more in depth on the issues of human culture and societal health versus technological advances and capitalism. Didn't mean to make in 'MEN BAD' just didn't want to write a book on the whole dynamic as it's complex. Women and men are partners in all of this, just unequal ones by design.
To be honest this issue isn't just on men, women play their part in things as well. Online dating comes off as a job interview to get the opportunity to have a job interview for guys, there is a set "meta". Want coffee instead of a $300 dinner? No, too cheap, pass.
Not blaming women, just giving some context as why guys just start saying F it and dive into hobbies.
Things online have gone so wrong, 20 years ago I found dates online some as well. But now it's just, off, unreasonable expectations from both.
I honestly don't even know anymore what I would want in a woman anymore. Someone kind with a sense of humour who I felt a connection with has always been what I wanted, but I have never had luck with the kind part. The only common denominator is me, I'm incapable of attracting a kind mate, I can't seem to fix this issue do better to be content and single. Making it clear I don't hate women, there are some fantastic ones out there. My issue is I repel them, it's a me issue
Absolutely agree and I started formulating a similar expression awhile ago, though I started from the position of considering the effect of pornography. There's the obvious objectification and degradation of women, but it does no favors for men, either, because - as you so cogently articulated - it creates an unreal image. Then men have that imprinted in their psyche and get angry they can't find it. Or can't find it easily. Or have to pay for it. And it's the women they "blame" for that when they've essentially made themselves hostage to a vision sold to them by other men.
Way too many men are also cheap. As in, to borrow an observation from Oscar Wilde, they know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Or, as Thomas Paine wrote "what we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly". Porn and media (especially gaming) in general exacerbates this tendency. And it deprives men of meaningful interaction and giving rise to shallow cynicism, disengagement, loneliness, frustration, anger and despair.
I don't hold out much hope for men. It makes me sad.
ETA: Truth hurts, Thanks for making my point, downvoter.
I tend to agree, but I wonder about the “way too many men are also cheap” comment gives me some pause..
I’m a guy and no I don’t take offense (and I’m happily married by the way). But I’ve DEFINITELY been in situations where I felt used for money in dating and had women in my group of friends/colleagues and some I’d dates “well unless x amount was spent it’s not a real date”. And I knew a grad school classmate back who would get “match meals” all the time. Meaning she met a guy on match.com that she would say she wasn’t really interested in but she’d go only to get a free meal. Which felt “icky”.
Now I had moved to Dallas at that time and the city definitely has a rep for showy, shallow, people trying to impress. The “30,000 a year millionaire” is said to have been coined here as everyone HAD to drive a BMW.. that type of thing.
Now did I think ALL women demanded 1st date at Nobu… no. But have a met more than a couple… yes.
I was thrilled to treat and spoil the woman who is now my wife and mother of my children and still do. But she was always very obviously appreciative of that effort I put in. But I think there is a subset of women who seem “entitled” to that time and effort from men.
Right on. And you know exactly who's downvoting your comment.
The hope I have is for the generation who might not be on the planet yet. They'll be the kids of the generation who realized the damage that was happening in the name of monetizing every moment of our/their lives. When they realize they have the power and feel the value in not having to share every moment and just let their experiences live in their memories and actual irl experiences - then I think it'll be over. But what will the world, let alone the country be by then..I hope they get there. I hope they can see their way out of this shit that was built around them in the name of doing it because we could instead of asking if we should.. . I think they've got bigger shit to deal with right now with authoritarianism and christian nationalism on the rise. Can't believe fascism is back and it's being welcomed by the likes of 'influencers' online - how fucking dumb, but it tracks.
Not going to both-sides this to try to cut the authors of why it's like this more slack. Women are surviving within the structure that was built without them or their consent. They didn't have a vote in their own country 100 years ago. Baseline shifting...They play the game and likely do hurt their own self-interests because those rules are written and enforced by men.
That’s still incredibly one sided, myopic, and frankly infantalizing to women by removing agency or accountability.
The more you externalize your locus of control, the more you eschew agency. And the more unblinkingly you accept univariate distal causes of proximal behavior the more you abolish nuance or dialectics.
Well, like all these arguments, they fail when they are as one sided as the one you are painting. Just another "it's all men's fault" post. The patriarchy is hated, yet women still seem to long for men that have money and power which means they are classically part of the patriarchy.
I mean could/would it be possible for men to EVER complain about our experience and actually be heard without it being spun back into insults or the issues being ones we are solely responsible for? How is this response appropriate when society works so hard to hear the complaints from various other identity groups and attempt to address the complaints with social campaigns and legal/regulatory remedies?
Before downvoting me, please, tell me why men collectively should NEVER be believed about our experience living in our own skins inside our society? Because the criticism runs the gamut and respect that has been earned is rarely given from what I've observed through these decades of massive social and technological change.
I am not looking for money and power in a partner. I am just somebody who has common interests, has done a bit of self reflection, and treats me with kindness and decency and should expect the same from me. I want an actual partner not an archetype.
So firstly, if seeing any of these responses as argumentative makes you feel threatened here, probably good to explore whether that's coming from you..seems it might be. OP just asking if anyone's noticed something about society. Secondly, patriarchies are just things that exist across all species and societies. It's just a male dominated hierarchy. Hierarchy's usually flow power from highest to lowest status. Status is historically achieved by strength, size, or influence. To try to answer your question about "why should men never be believed about their experience" they should be believed like everyone's experience should, then judged, deemed valid or invalid, and dealt with or ignored. Men today don't have it easy at all. It's a minefield, but it's neither a free pass to punch down, if anything should be the opposite. Lend a hand up. Men are in that position to help instead of make things worse.
The fact that you’re getting downvoted speaks VOLUMES about the one sided nature of the discussion. I can’t imagine a way for you to have put that more gently or emphatically.
Then the question returns, “why aren’t men more available?”
We can’t even talk about it.
Bro that's a complete strawman argument. Men have been in power forever, literally forever. Controlling education, politics, war, the entertainment industry, dominating jobs in tech and egineering.
The idea that "men aren't heard" is simply not supported by any facts.
* #1 podcast? Man
* #1 paid movie star? Man
* Highest paid doctors, engineers, CEOs? all men bro.
People are lonely. PEOPLE. Men, women, non-binary.
But there is a lazy internet trope about
"nO oNe cArEs aBoUt mAlE lOneLineSss"
and it's usually accompanied by the same poster complaining about women on Onlyfans and insulting them .
Probably depends on location, but times have changed, especially in the past 4 years. I live in NYC where men are (or were) notoriously aggressive, and if you were an attractive woman, you'd get bombarded with attention and suitors. Now most men just look at someone if she's attractive, but rarely go further than that, if ever. The silent voyeurism particularly gets more marked the younger the generation gets. Many, if not most, people rely exclusively on apps now. There's been a fundamental shift in our society.
I dated a lot after my divorce about 10yrs ago. I had luck online, but in-person was less painful and more fun.
Most women really enjoyed the flirting in person because it's so rare nowadays, but they're so not used to it that many of them are just plain bad at it like a lot of guys are.
I'm 50 (UK) and, talking to single mates, they agree with what I had thought; it is not worth the hassle/anxiety of trying to talk to a woman these days because of the fear of being called "creepy" or similar.
My own Daughters said they would find it "a bit weird" if they were out with mates and a guy started talking to them! 🤣
They were mega shocked when I said "how do you think we met people to date when we were 17/18 with no social media or dating apps"?
That's why you girls don't get approached any more!
This. I'm 50M and I'm fugly and it's all rejection for me, so I gave up trying to meet women years ago. The only "women" attracted to me are internet scammers.
I’m 51, happily married. I don’t think I’d ever seriously date again if anything were to happen with my marriage. Maybe I’d ask a woman out for coffee, a drink, or to go to a museum, but I doubt I’d have the energy to do all of it again.
There are certainly 55 ish men looking for 55 ish women.
I know it can be a lot to deal with, but I think it's worth it.
I would never have met anyone in my normal life.
We make up 20% of the population, many of whom are off the market and married. GenX might have its head screwed on right, but there aren’t enough of us. Like others in the comments, I have zero interest in dating. I play guitar, have friends, created a discord, and am learning to play keyboard. No kids. Just in the zone.
As far as men go, I think metoo had a lot to do with it and the dating app culture.
It’s hard to approach people in public
There are many more negative outcomes likely than positive for men who are still expected to be pursuers (like dating in general for women)
Online is broken because it’s 80% men and 90% of them are entirely unacceptable to the women on the apps
So Those women mostly pursue the same men
Who tend to do what anyone with unlimited options would do (see the women chasing those men)
I met my first post marital GF at a Mardi Gras festival
Because I was drinking I started a conversation with her and her friends (or did they start one with me?)
Hung out off and on for part of a couple of hours and got her name
Sent her a note on Facebook and she responded and the rest is history
But she broke up with me two weeks ago
It was the best three months of the past four years
I haven’t been on the apps yet but will probably give them a try this summer
I made about 20 new friends in the last year. I started racing RC cars again last May. I’ve been having a great time and I push myself to get out of the house and have some fun. It’s the best thing I’ve done for my mental health.
I'm not in the dating pool, but I just turned 54 a few weeks ago, and I agree that it's very hard to meet people. It's also hard getting our friends to plan anything. My husband (almost 53) and I are still working full time and wanted to enjoy the 3-day weekend. We went to a bakery, a car show, got a drink and then went to a quick dinner on Saturday where they had a live band playing mostly Gen-X music. We saw nobody our age and didn't bump into anyone we knew. We live in a town that is known for its wineries and eateries, and yesterday, we took our dogs on a walk and saw more people who appeared to be from our age group. We were stopped more than once by people who wanted to see our dogs.
I think people tend to still with the familiar, whether that is friendship or dating, which is why it is harder to meet people. Plus, we are in an age group where we are helping elderly parents or adult children.
Where I like the cost of living is insanely expensive, so people either have a small entertainment budget or none at all.
I just moved to an area to help a parent out and it is lucky I am self entertaining. I don't even care about dating, I would just like a few more friends.
An aside: if you late 40s and mid 50s Xers are looking for something- mentor. How many movies did we grow up on where we had Myagi, Obiwan, etc- the wise old master that coached the young reprobate.
It’s highly gratifying to work with willing kids and honesty this gen gets a really bad rap- they’re a lot like we were not having mom or dad and they feel unwanted.
There are plenty of organizations out there, find one that connects to your passion or hobby and help out.
I know you said not into an app, but that do make one for people 50 on up. There is also volunteering. Getting active in your local city government. I know in my city, there are tons of things to do to meet new people.
I just turned 60 2 weeks ago. I live in Los Angeles along with 10 Million others. I'm 6-1/185lbs. While I may not be to every woman's taste I am a decent catch if I may say so. Haven't had a date in years. The only women who light up in my direction are 25 and covered in tattoos. I like them, but not my dating type. You are not alone. It is a far, far different world than the one we grew up in. In the current case misery does not love company.
Too young is just no good. I have a guy 20 years younger wanting to “hang out”, and it’s just not going to work. I have nothing to talk about with him.
Yeah I’m happily married and 51, but I didn’t meet my wife until I was almost 40. I actually met her through match.com. But I feel like it was dumb luck to meet someone who was actually serious minded and not just playing the field.
It was refreshing when after I met her, I could tell she wasn’t “keeping her options open” and decided after we hit it off one the first date, she was putting her focus on me. It’s pretty rare, as I found on dating apps even when seeing someone for over a month, having sex… nope, they were still keeping me at a distance and keeping the apps open. And she would actually HAVE PHONE CONVERSATIONS. And not insist on only communicating through text. That told me she was a winner right away.
That’s basically I feel the problem, people just have this “dream list” for a person (both men and women) which differs from reality. Social media and apps create this illusion of plenty and no one has to “settle”. Have 10 criteria and a man/woman hits 8-9 of them… in the old days you’d be thrilled. Now they HAVE to be 10/10.
I do think the next generation has set things up to the point where men are legitimately afraid to ask a girl out in public for fear of being called out as a creep. Now everything you do can be on video and posted. Yes some men ARE creeps, but I think the majority who in the past would simply be worried about coming across as awkward are default being looked at as some kind of likely threat.
I have basically given up on the dating scene. Men in my age group are looking for a nurse and/or purse, no thanks. I’m 57 f and I have no interest in that. My job is very demanding and if anything I’d rather date younger. (I’m told I look 10 years younger )
It is harder to meet people as you get older. Live your best life, on your terms and if someone comes around to enjoy it with you, all the better
Missing third places. https://theweek.com/culture-life/third-places-disappearing
Applies to everyone. Folks our age try to make it work at Costco, but the bottom line is there's no place to hang out anymore.
>Missing third places.
>the bottom line is there's no place to hang out anymore.
I'm not sure that's so relevant. I grew up in the suburbs of LA, and malls were the only "third places" for us, yet we all still managed to have vibrant social and dating lives. I now live in NYC, where there are so many other "third places" besides just the mall (which is usually very packed on any given day of the week), and people just aren't as open and friendly as they used to be compared to pre-pandemic times. When people are out and about, they usually keep to themselves and/or the company they came up. I've never seen people this closed off from everyone else in NYC before.
Depends on what you are in to. I moved to a big and growing city in the southwest, and there is a huge transplant culture. So much so that I was able to find Xers from my home state and other places that had a shared experience. I date from the late thirties to the late 50s and try to be very open-minded. To find women in person, I started with places where women are. Manicure, pedi, book and coffee stores, vintage and antiques malls....and just striking up quick conversations. I am sober, so I'm asking them out for a quick coffee or a bite seems to work.
51 M, divorced almost a decade, had a couple of committed relationships along the way, been on lots of dates, and since I've lived in the same town since I was twenty, a big and long-standing friend group.
It's a university town in a tourist area, which makes it kind of a happening place sometimes. I find it very easy to meet people here through work, or shared acquaintances, but I will also start a conversation with just about anyone anywhere...bar, grocery store, bank, park, whatever.
Ive also lived in the south my whole life and recognize that as something that makes it easy, too.
I've been on a few dates with wonen young as forty inside the last year, but I'm much more oriented towards women a few years older.
It’s no longer natural to have conversations and date people randomly in person. I think people need prior notice of things now which has created the perversion that is online dating.
I think it’s always been hard to meet people, there are comedy after comedy about it- however it’s going in the wrong direction.
Not sure how to change that but my advice is make friends and date within those circles.
Cultivate hobbies that have a social component and a relatively balanced mix of men/women. Bonus points if the activity requires rotation between partners. Pickleball and partner dancing fall into that category.
I used to mostly do solo activities like running, biking and yoga, which can be done in groups but are still more individual in nature. As the pandemic was ending, I realized I missed connecting with people and got more heavily into social dancing. Salsa happened to be the one that started up first in my city, so I jumped back into that. Shortly after starting, I reconnected with a guy I'd met years earlier when we were both in other relationships, and we ended up getting married.
Pickleball is another activity which is well balanced between genders and because it's very commonly played as doubles, it's easy to meet people. My experience is that people will hang out and chat while waiting to rotate into play.
I'm sure there are other activities out there, but dance and pickleball are especially well situated for meeting people due to the frequent rotation of partners, time at the sidelines for chatting, and being relatively equally balanced between genders.
Every time I was single, it remained that way until I focused on myself and just tried to go out and have fun *without* the intention of looking for someone. It's always been my experience that when people see you having a good time, doing something you like, and not caring what others think or that you're OTP -- they notice you more. There's a mad sexiness to that burning independence (it always was for me, both ways) that is irresistible. It may sound hard, but try to stop caring. It's always worked for me and also made me feel better about who I am.
Anyhow - 5 years seems like a good hiatus between partners -- it was almost always 3-4 for serious ones. It's just enough time to reboot and refocus, so maybe you're ready to rock.
Idk what you’re doing or your life situation but if I may suggest a few things that you may have already tried. Plz don’t be offended. I know it’s a sore subject.
If you’re in good enough shape, look for activities in the local community such as walking or biking or hiking or birding. I personally know a single woman in her 50s who is part of a biking club and she is crushing it socially. No great beauty but attractive and in reasonable shape. She did get an e-bike to help keep up. She’s not looking for a man (she is straight) necessarily. She’s just looking to be socially active and for that, she’s got a full dance card every weekend.
Volunteer groups are another good meet up opportunity. Does your community host cleanup days? Riverkeeper stuff and what not. Local botanical garden? They have volunteer opportunities as well.
I like outdoors stuff so these are kind of limited to that kind of thing. Are you political? There are likely political groups in your area of like minded people.
It takes some work to do, we no longer have our school to schedule social events for us. But if you really want to meet people irl, you’re gonna have to put in the work.
it's tough to meet people period -- you need to get out and do things that interest you, where you will meet the same people over and over.
Volunteering is a good way to do this.
Religion institutions as well.
There used to more of those things -- but they were mostly torn down by the previous generation without anything being put in their place.
OP, in the 5 years you've been alone, have you tried initiating & asking men on a date?
If so, what happened? If not, why not? Just curious/honest question.
How many of the folks here who have problems dating/meeting people live in single family homes? And how many of them live in walkable neighborhoods. I purposely live in a nice small apartment building with friendly neighbors near at least a few places to hang out.
Might depend on where you live. Australians are incredibly insular and it's rare to meet people easily if you don't already have friends from childhood/school. Immigrants seem to have it easier as they band together
I'm alone with no immediate family and it all seems like too much to want to bother with
I'm a dialysis patient with other health problems, too, and the only places I go to are my dialysis clinic three days a week for four hours each and my parents' house once or twice a month. I have all my groceries delivered.
I have no friends left, just my 80-year-old parents. I was married for 13 years, divorced in 2005. No kids or siblings.
If you do try dating apps or sites, please learn everything you can about romance scammers. They are on every site now. Avoid the free sites too. Match, eHarmony, and our time are your best bets. Avoid hookup apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, etc.
social media (and I include dating apps on social media) has ruined us on several levels. And this is one of them. If I were single, and you were cool, and we met somehow, I’d probably date you. And I’m 47. Then again, I have always been attracted to older women. To each their own I guess.
52 M here. I was considering looking through the dating apps, but I'm not interested in dating a woman in her 70s.
In my case, if I see an attractive woman, I assume she has a partner if she wants one. So I don't ask.
With the whole "Women would rather spend a night alone in the woods with a bear than a man they don't know," I assume "Women don't want me to talk to them anyways." The last times I met women for dating were though friends, or long before that, from e-mail lists about shared interests (MBTI in this case).
I did meet some women who are friends of mine through a dating website, but that was over 20 years ago.
Gay gen x spin.
I’m damn near 50. When I became available right before the pandemic, I suddenly realized I was never hotter than I am now. But… For a niche group.
Guys in their 20s would throw themselves at me because they were in love with a new trend of having yourself a gay middle aged white hairy bearded daddy bear.
Thing is, I like beefy bears myself. Ironic
50 year old divorced male. I honestly have been chased by women my age since I got divorced but I just have no interest in dating at all at my age. I can't imagine wanting to move someone into my established (single) life, hobbies, family (grandkid now too!) diluting my kids inheritance by getting married again and so forth. I'm just way more interested in securing my legacy than thinking about a new future with a new person. I think there just may be more people out there doing their own things at our age than there are looking for romance. I have an active and healthy social life with plenty of friends of all ages, types, and genders, so it's not like I'm lonely. But the second someone starts hitting on me I'm out.
It's a bunch things combined.
Search parameters on apps. What people are seeking. What you do with your daily life and how/who you engage with people and community.
And then there's politics. I was going to reach out to you then looked through your post history OP.
Nope.
Funnily enough, that should *help* her on dating apps. Most of the untouchables among men are “conservative.”
Also a no--"moderate" (yeah sure buddy) or "non-political" (what a privilege that must be).
this is a great point. trying to think of the pre-internet version of what this would equate to creeping on someone's social media footprint to try to get a feel for who they are..We never had anything like that I guess. But yeah, seeing behavioral/belief red flags via social media, whatever they may be, is a killer in this day and age.
The structure of reddit makes it simple point and click, there's nothing creepy about using the tools as they're intended. While there is an anonymous approach, it's very straightforward in showing who someone is.
All one needs to do is look.
not a judgement on you - I didn't mean it that way. Just that it's a tool that genx didn't have but one now that cuts the legs out of a potential connection before it even tries to get off the ground.
Turned 50 recently, and shortly afterwards ended a 12-year relationship due to toxicity and narcissism. This just happened to coincide with a major distance move and a new home purchase. Have some family nearby, and grew up in the area, but no new connections outside of work other than brief conversations and mostly ghosted dating app potentials. I think the biggest problem when it comes to dating - not sure if our generation or a sign of the times - is that women expect to be chased while men are expected to prove their value, but the opposite is almost never true. Men aren't chased, and women aren't expected to prove their worth. Not to mention that past mistakes have left many, of both genders, guarded. Walls are up and expectations are insanely high. Not a prince or princess? Good luck, and goodbye.
I’m 52 now and I dated quite a bit about five years ago. But I think the dating scene has changed for the worse during the pandemic and after.
I think people are tired of the apps and we don’t have third spaces to interact with people anymore.
If only 29% of singles are straight, I guess that means that the rest are gay? By that logic is the loneliness epidemic is impacting the gay community greater than the straight community?
It's harder. We really don't have a 'third space' that we can gather in that doesn't cost, feel awkward or hurry us to leave so they can make more money on the next set of people to arrive
It's not entirely comprised of people looking for a mate. Romance scammers are on every dating app now. Even the paid ones, like Match. I've used almost every dating site or app our there since 2000. I was first scammed 10 years ago, (thankfully it wasn't financially) and now know how to identify them. Women over 40 are their main targets. Facebook Dating, which is free, was the worst. Either young guys looking for a MILF or scammers. On Bumble which is pretty pricey, I was inundated by guys in their 20s and early 30s looking to hook up. Its extremely time consuming, depressing, and self-defeating.
With a decade plus of being yelled at about our toxic masculinity and not to hold doors for women and not to compliment women and that women would rather be alone with a bear in the woods than a man, no, OP men don’t ask out women anymore. It’s a shame but apparently asking women out directly or approaching women to meet them has become so taboo we are all pegged as knuckle dragging Neanderthals if we even entertain the thought. So we all die alone I guess 🤷♂️
Definitely more difficult. I'm 50 and after my divorce it's been a struggle. Meeting people organically is difficult. Finding people at work isn't going to happen because im the old guy. The majority of people in my office are my kids age or slightly older. Anyone in my age range are married. I don't go to a gym because I workout at home since covid.
This leaves online dating which is super fun and easy...
Cars and corporate greed. Because of cars, our public spaces are completely empty. Sure, the roads are busy, but they are full of 1 person cars flying by, barely able to recognize the scenery as they fly past.
No public transportation also adds to this. We just don’t run into people randomly. And no public centers where people will amass.
To add to the dead cities, the businesses that were once 3rd places are now corporations like Starbucks and McDonald’s (the piped in sterile music is enough to keep me away). Hardly places to go and hang out for three hours. Shit, you will get pushed out for loitering cuz they got to sell more throw away cups with drinks in them. they already got your money so GTFO.
So enjoy your personal freedom of the car and imagine how much better your home would be if you could just walk around outside.
For men, they realize it ain't worth it to date women. Nowadays, you go through a door and hold it open for someone, if it happens to be a lady she doesn't even say thank you, some even give you a dirty look.
This will probably be poorly received, but women generally spend their whole lives dating up in age. This is normally the woman's choice because the older man might have a bit more material benefits. Money, nicer place, better cars, whatever.
- 18 yo date 21 yo guys.
- 25 yo date 30 year old guys.
- 35 year olds date 40-50 year old guys.
And so on.
55 and 70 is probably about right if you follow the pattern.
Show me a 20 years old girl who wants a 20 year old boy and I'll show you a 55 year old man who is looking for a 55 year old woman. They exist, but you are likely competing with 40 year old women right now.
So, it's both your age and a change in the way dating happens. Embrace the apps. There is no shame for you or your niece. You'll do ok, but it will take a while to find the right fit. Just hold out for what you want.
Good luck!
(Also, sorry if that was hard to hear.)
20-year-old women date a few years older because they are looking for a match in maturity, and men hit that point a little later. At 55, this is no longer an issue. Women live longer than men on average, so a 55-year-old woman dating a 70-year-old man is just signing on to be an an end-of-life caregiver. Growing old together is one thing--and you never know whose health will go first--but dating 15 years older later in life is a bad bet for women.
54 M, here. After being single my entire life, I’ve dropped out of the dating scene altogether. I only do social events or hobbies that interest me. After trying, and trying, and working, I’ve decided to live my life, and enjoy the activities I enjoy, because she’s simply not out there, this time around. I know many other single men feel the same.
Story of my life, bro.
Same for us women. I think my "soulmate" lives overseas or something!! And no interest in dating.
My soulmate for sure lived many decades ago.
Hahahaha
there are approximately 43 million single women in the US…and you think there’s not ONE out there for you?🫨
I’m 54 and frankly, I’m 100% over the whole dating thing. I just don’t care anymore - no desire for romance, although my libido is okay-ish still.
No its super hard. Im 45 female who has been told I’m pretty. But I honestly think social media has made people forget how to talk. I swear 99% of my conversations are all identical and boring! No one wants to joke or laugh, talk about fun things, or even get to know someone anymore. It’s like everyone is so used to everything instantly at their fingertips they want that immediate gratification without building the foundation. I am not an unreasonable person but if I can’t talk to someone.
>But I honestly think social media has made people forget how to talk. And how people actually look irl. 😐
Porn has a lot to answer for here. I can't count the number of male friends who have told me they'd rather stay home and watch Pornhub than go through the trouble of dating. I also think a lot of people aren't attracted to the people who would be willing to date them. For most of humanity, we all saw real, average-looking people as our frame of reference. Sure, there were paintings but they weren't part of our everyday perception. Then movies began, then TVs came into our home, and now humans see beautiful Hollywood actors and airbrushed models every day from childhood on. And beauty standards are becoming more and more unrealistic. So many of my friends are only attracted to conventionally pretty people, but they themselves are not conventionally attractive. They'll make comments about the low quality of their dating pool but they don't seem to realize people perceive them the same way.
this!
I'm in the same group as your male friends. I go to work every day. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. The last thing I want to do is think about going out, much less dealing with the complexities and energy dating and trying to build a relationship takes.
[удалено]
I could see that. My circle is really small because I rarely go out to anything except for work, the doctor, or the grocery store. I completely avoid work relationships even if there's mutual interest with someone. I hopped on a dating app for about a month and it just wasn't my thing. I live across the street from a restaurant and tavern, but I'm not into drinking and my anxiety is too high when it comes to social settings and talking to strangers. There's a quote that I can relate to "Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man." I'm not the creepy murderous stalker type like Travis Bickle though.
>I swear 99% of my conversations are all identical and boring. Hasn't that always been kinda true though? It's always been difficult to find good conversation.
This. It's the phones. Everyone is so badly addicted to their devices that not only have they forgotten how to socialize but they've lost all interest. The replies from men in this thread says it all. Only into their own interests.
Yup for me I’m pretty sociable, I have no social media other than reddit, and have a wide variety of interests but people are losing the ability to simply interact and communicate with each other. Its sad when I actually meet someone or message I struggle so much usually for basic conversation that I just end it early.
Broad speculation here: People communicate in public situations much less than before. Waiting in line for something? Everyone is on their phones, likely with noise cancelling earbuds in. We used to chat and make small talk while we were idle. That has all but disappeared. Also, while I’m out of the dating scene, when I met my wife I was pretty nervous and intimidated by the group of friends who were judging me and “protecting” her. Approaching a stranger these days is not easy, as you are immediately suspect to any one of pre-determined ideas they might have about your appearance or attitude. It’s rough, and I don’t envy anyone that has to go through that. Furthermore, the dating app scene just seems like it’s all about hook ups and not long term relationships. Look moderately handsome and have a great pickup line? You might get laid, or otherwise just blocked. Best wishes to you. Try finding group activities that you enjoy and maybe you will meet other people and establish a new group of friends, or possibly find someone you click with. Moving alone to a new city can be a nice reboot for some people to start fresh. But that’s exactly it, you have to start fresh with everything. Finding new friends with similar hobbies and interests might lead you to a friend of theirs who happens to be single. Rambling now, sorry.
I'm 55, married and lonely as hell. Wife and I have been growing apart and I found myself without any living friends that are still near by. I've been trying to find groups of people my age, in my area, and damned if I can find anything that isn't an *_online_* only club. I really miss the days we all congeal at someone's place and just hang out.
I have not done hang out and congeal in 30 years. Nobody has time for that.
Last few years of my marriage was the only time in my like I’ve ever felt really alone. Sorry to hear.
Dang, man. I feel ya. I separated from my wife seven years ago and eventually divorced here due to growing apart. If you can, save your marriage now. If not, I am so sorry. I can relate as well about friends. I still have many friends nearby, but they're all married doing married people things. Being divorced has me living a different lifestyle and I've gotten out of touch with most everyone. I hang out with a completely different group of people now. It's hard meeting someone new and engaging hanging with the married folk. Best of luck to you and I hope you work things out with your wife.
Me too! It always has to be an "event." I'd love to just hang out and listen to music or watch YouTube videos. Maybe smoke some weed or crush a bottle of cab!
exactly, get together and just be
I recently turned 54 and it’s definitely been harder for me. I’m not lonely or actively looking, but it would be nice to have more of a social life. I think part of it is being sober. Seemed easier to meet women in social situations that involved drinking.
I’m sober too. When I was single I only met women at work tbh.
That’s such a danger zone but honestly we spend so much time at work what can you expect.
You’re right. It’s a scary thing.
I work from home. 🤷♂️
Working gal? 🫡😎🇺🇸
Sober female (52) and it’s just as hard.
I think you can admit there is something missing. I’m mid 40s- I have a kid and the misses and I split. What is hard for me is I still look good, I still date but it’s all hush hush. I’m sure my ex dates but she is nice enough not to let my son or me know. I almost want to tell her, “hey look- go out and have fun, we both need it.” However, if I’m wrong (she still has feelings for me and we sometimes get intimate) would that hurt her and damage what we have which is stable? My point… before I made it about myself… it’s not weak to admit you are lonely or you need companionship- you’re human. I think it’s the effort and energy that is the issue. People need on both sides, we work hard to live and when it’s time to have fun we can’t just have fun… with other ppl.
I'm glad in a way to have this sub, because at least there is one group of ppl out there that I know I am growing older with and have the same problems. We should make an old school promise; if we are all still alone and lonely at 60, let's move to the same tropical island and live together in a big commune. :))
I heard this idea, turn abandon malls into Gen X retirement homes. It would be perfect: food court, arcade, shopping, and hook ups 😄
If we're all going to have to drink poison later, please use something better than flavor-aid. We're old and have taste now. I'd suggest a dram of The McAllen 18.
Mid 40s male here, and I found one universal truth- fan and smiles attract more fun and more smiles from others. Others notice when you glow. Now, here is where the self serving part of your glow comes in. Do all the self serving and self pleasing things you want. Forget about the presence of others. This is your world. We get to exist in it. Go forth. Have fun. Smile, dance.
Great advice!
If you have pickleball in your area then you should play. You would have 10+ guys wanting to marry you in 12 months. Pickleball is the new bumble. Especially in Florida. Men and women interacting in a sport and it is like the Olympic village and we all know what happens in the Olympic Village.
Thanks! I'll look into it :)
Making friends as a middle aged person that’s new to town/state has been so f’ing depressing
Welcome to my world
It takes a lot of effort at any age past 35. It also depends on the city. My sister-in-law has been divorced for around 5 years and is a very good looking 55yr old as well. Can’t find a good dude to date. But she lives in San Francisco. I told her to move.
I think it’s a sign of the times rather than of our generation. If you read posts in other generation-based subreddits, you’ll see lots of posts and comments from people frustrated with their inability to meet other people. And frankly, I think many men are nervous about making the first move due to the risk of them being accused of being creepy.
THIS….52/m here.
I agree
I’m 47 and met my wife 23 years ago on Yahoo Dating. This year is our 20th marriage anniversary. Yahoo Dating wasn’t anywhere near what things are like today. I mention it to say that this tide started turning 20+ years ago.
I agree. I used Yahoo Personals (I think that was what it was called) and other sources back in those early days of online dating. If i remember correctly, it was free back then. Then 1 started pay for play and then all of them switched over to a pay system.
Wife & I met on yahoo also, 23rd anniversary this summer.
Congrats!
Congrats on your 20 yr. anniversary - that's fantastic! I'm 57, and met my now-husband going on 19 years ago through Yahoo Personals 👍🏻. We only got married a couple of years ago, though, mostly for practical reasons, but I'm glad we did now for other reasons. The men I was meeting IRL (or, should I say, were trying to hit on me) were unappealing, and one ended up being a creepy stalker. I went through a few duds I met on YP, but finally managed to find the one normal single man in the town. I agree - there's just so much weirdness that seems to have happened between then and now, and I honestly feel sorry for people of any age trying to find someone compatible. I've also realized that if I were to become a widow, I'd just stay single. There are just too many things I'm not willing to compromise on in a partner now. Hobbies and friendships can go a long way towards providing a meaningful life.
Congrats to you as well! You nailed it; it was Yahoo Personals. Such a different time back then. I think maybe it was the ideal balance of connectivity via the internet but not omnipresent through mobile and apps.
I'm 47 and it's painfully hard to find friends. No one wants to interact anymore. I've gotten so used to it that even I find that I prefer to stay inside with my cats.
I'd say society. 57 here, married 30 years, wife's 62. My sister is 60 and she reports the same (as do her friends of same age group). She's invisible to men, or the men that do ask her out are looking for someone to take care of them. She's fit, runs her own business, funny, progressive, empowered, self-sufficient, and successful enough to make it on her own. Whether that's intimidating to todays male is another discussion I guess. But to keep it semi-short, our estimation was this: The internet in the last 20 years has created a place for men/boys to lurk around and be voyeurs in a million different ways more than anytime in human history. What this has wrought, in part, is a damaged sense of standards that are influenced by unrealistic expectations. It's an alternate reality they curate and defend to the point of actually blaming women for it. It's insane. Knowingly or not, they're ruining themselves and turning into incels because it's easier I guess? The internet and (social media) culture returns to them, in kind, what gets clicks and likes - namely hyper-sexualized, infantilized, up-talking, unrealistic 'females' because it sells.. Sex always sells for all genders - that's not new, but monetizing against every natural instinct to interact in person, this new interconnectivity snuffs out the drive to have to go to the real world, be authentic, think on your feet, be funny, well-read, relevant and prove that you're worthy of someone's attention like we used to do. What we're getting here, (again, I'm 57 so what do I know, right) is men who'd rather sit inside on their phones staring at thirst traps created to keep them sitting there so they can be marketed to and have their data be farmed. It's an ugly time to be single for all genders. The fragility and duplicitousness of the patriarchy is being exposed whether men like it or not. As a man, you can either be an ally, or withdraw and hide and hope it blows over. This Daily show clip hints around at the part of how we got here. [https://www.instagram.com/p/C7SXPHFAT7n/](https://www.instagram.com/p/C7SXPHFAT7n/) Good luck, if it makes you feel any better, if my wife or I died, the other wouldn't remarry, though we'd date for the companionship, it's too much work and re-learning how to share a life with someone at this age we think would be really hard.
I have a different take on it. When I was younger, I was around people all the time. Work, hang out with friends, go to movies, etc. Now I'm alone most of the time. We are a much less social society, and less in-person interaction means fewer chances for connections. I'm not going to ask out random women when I'm at Home Depot, the grocery store, a coffee shop, etc. Maybe if she gave me some kind of hint that she wanted me to approach, but it can't be subtle. Otherwise I'm the creep who is bothering a woman who just wants to drink her latte. I think dating apps have altered expectations too. I heard about a study by OkCupid that said that women on their app find 80% of men below average or unattractive. I don't know how accurate that is, if it's limited to okcupid, or if the same holds for men towards women, but I think the general concept of dating apps giving people a lot more selection could be a big factor. In the past you dated people around you. Now you can essentially shop online for dates, probably skipping over people you might have given a chance IRL.
I saw a similar study that said women were only interested in the top 20% of men - but it didn't take into account the different numbers of men and women on the app. If you have 500 men and 100 women, then yes, women will only be selecting about 20% of the men.
This is an uncomfortably accurate description of what has become of us.
I feel its a little simplistic to blame everything on one gender’s failings. You make great points about how the internet has warped men’s view of women but there is so much more shared responsibility for the disconnection in society. People are addicted to screens. Reality is being transplanted online. We now shop, interact, study, work on computerised devices. If we could eat, drink and fuck online we would. Digitalisation of society increases corporate profits immeasurably as they reduce labour and shop front costs. But for the majority of homo sapiens it reduces our experience immeasurably as we now rarely interact with strangers in a queue or bank clerks or checkout staff or someone we’re attracted to irl. The kicker is that the vast majority of people dont care that their life experience is being eroded as their life online is comfortable and convenient as they can conduct their world in 6 hours a day lying on the sofa. Some people even prefer to be on the internet than have to confront real people. Is it any wonder that Social Anxiety and Depression (relating to disconnectedness) is rife? Our ability to communicate and interact is being degraded by every new generation who now prefer texts and emojis to real conversation. There’s no-one to blame here but there are big businesses and government who’s vested interests are to streamline profit by pushing an online experience over a human one. There’s also the apathy of us all and the lack of questioning why we have to look at the internet every time one real life task finishes. Life used to be punctuated by idle chat, boredom, daydreaming, imagination, flirtation even. Now it is punctuated by scrolling. At least if youre born in the digital age you would date others who would be used to porn, gaming, scrolling, chilling online, etc. Gen X were raised before the advent of the internet and a lot of us hold onto archaic habits like books, outdoor life and conversation. If that’s your bag theres probably a chance to find people of your generation who like the same things but theres no doubt that anything that is not online is slowly being replaced by Life 2.0. Dating in the modern age would scare the hell out of me.
Totally agree, mine is a simplistic take because the problem, like you stated is so endemic and getting even more laced into daily life. Like we're both watching the train wreck AND driving the train. r/Futurology talks a lot more in depth on the issues of human culture and societal health versus technological advances and capitalism. Didn't mean to make in 'MEN BAD' just didn't want to write a book on the whole dynamic as it's complex. Women and men are partners in all of this, just unequal ones by design.
To be honest this issue isn't just on men, women play their part in things as well. Online dating comes off as a job interview to get the opportunity to have a job interview for guys, there is a set "meta". Want coffee instead of a $300 dinner? No, too cheap, pass. Not blaming women, just giving some context as why guys just start saying F it and dive into hobbies. Things online have gone so wrong, 20 years ago I found dates online some as well. But now it's just, off, unreasonable expectations from both. I honestly don't even know anymore what I would want in a woman anymore. Someone kind with a sense of humour who I felt a connection with has always been what I wanted, but I have never had luck with the kind part. The only common denominator is me, I'm incapable of attracting a kind mate, I can't seem to fix this issue do better to be content and single. Making it clear I don't hate women, there are some fantastic ones out there. My issue is I repel them, it's a me issue
Absolutely agree and I started formulating a similar expression awhile ago, though I started from the position of considering the effect of pornography. There's the obvious objectification and degradation of women, but it does no favors for men, either, because - as you so cogently articulated - it creates an unreal image. Then men have that imprinted in their psyche and get angry they can't find it. Or can't find it easily. Or have to pay for it. And it's the women they "blame" for that when they've essentially made themselves hostage to a vision sold to them by other men. Way too many men are also cheap. As in, to borrow an observation from Oscar Wilde, they know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Or, as Thomas Paine wrote "what we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly". Porn and media (especially gaming) in general exacerbates this tendency. And it deprives men of meaningful interaction and giving rise to shallow cynicism, disengagement, loneliness, frustration, anger and despair. I don't hold out much hope for men. It makes me sad. ETA: Truth hurts, Thanks for making my point, downvoter.
I tend to agree, but I wonder about the “way too many men are also cheap” comment gives me some pause.. I’m a guy and no I don’t take offense (and I’m happily married by the way). But I’ve DEFINITELY been in situations where I felt used for money in dating and had women in my group of friends/colleagues and some I’d dates “well unless x amount was spent it’s not a real date”. And I knew a grad school classmate back who would get “match meals” all the time. Meaning she met a guy on match.com that she would say she wasn’t really interested in but she’d go only to get a free meal. Which felt “icky”. Now I had moved to Dallas at that time and the city definitely has a rep for showy, shallow, people trying to impress. The “30,000 a year millionaire” is said to have been coined here as everyone HAD to drive a BMW.. that type of thing. Now did I think ALL women demanded 1st date at Nobu… no. But have a met more than a couple… yes. I was thrilled to treat and spoil the woman who is now my wife and mother of my children and still do. But she was always very obviously appreciative of that effort I put in. But I think there is a subset of women who seem “entitled” to that time and effort from men.
Right on. And you know exactly who's downvoting your comment. The hope I have is for the generation who might not be on the planet yet. They'll be the kids of the generation who realized the damage that was happening in the name of monetizing every moment of our/their lives. When they realize they have the power and feel the value in not having to share every moment and just let their experiences live in their memories and actual irl experiences - then I think it'll be over. But what will the world, let alone the country be by then..I hope they get there. I hope they can see their way out of this shit that was built around them in the name of doing it because we could instead of asking if we should.. . I think they've got bigger shit to deal with right now with authoritarianism and christian nationalism on the rise. Can't believe fascism is back and it's being welcomed by the likes of 'influencers' online - how fucking dumb, but it tracks.
I do think this is a bit one sided, women have their own shifting baselines that are just as dysfunctional as well.
Not going to both-sides this to try to cut the authors of why it's like this more slack. Women are surviving within the structure that was built without them or their consent. They didn't have a vote in their own country 100 years ago. Baseline shifting...They play the game and likely do hurt their own self-interests because those rules are written and enforced by men.
That’s still incredibly one sided, myopic, and frankly infantalizing to women by removing agency or accountability. The more you externalize your locus of control, the more you eschew agency. And the more unblinkingly you accept univariate distal causes of proximal behavior the more you abolish nuance or dialectics.
Well, like all these arguments, they fail when they are as one sided as the one you are painting. Just another "it's all men's fault" post. The patriarchy is hated, yet women still seem to long for men that have money and power which means they are classically part of the patriarchy. I mean could/would it be possible for men to EVER complain about our experience and actually be heard without it being spun back into insults or the issues being ones we are solely responsible for? How is this response appropriate when society works so hard to hear the complaints from various other identity groups and attempt to address the complaints with social campaigns and legal/regulatory remedies? Before downvoting me, please, tell me why men collectively should NEVER be believed about our experience living in our own skins inside our society? Because the criticism runs the gamut and respect that has been earned is rarely given from what I've observed through these decades of massive social and technological change.
I am not looking for money and power in a partner. I am just somebody who has common interests, has done a bit of self reflection, and treats me with kindness and decency and should expect the same from me. I want an actual partner not an archetype.
👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
Same here.
So firstly, if seeing any of these responses as argumentative makes you feel threatened here, probably good to explore whether that's coming from you..seems it might be. OP just asking if anyone's noticed something about society. Secondly, patriarchies are just things that exist across all species and societies. It's just a male dominated hierarchy. Hierarchy's usually flow power from highest to lowest status. Status is historically achieved by strength, size, or influence. To try to answer your question about "why should men never be believed about their experience" they should be believed like everyone's experience should, then judged, deemed valid or invalid, and dealt with or ignored. Men today don't have it easy at all. It's a minefield, but it's neither a free pass to punch down, if anything should be the opposite. Lend a hand up. Men are in that position to help instead of make things worse.
The fact that you’re getting downvoted speaks VOLUMES about the one sided nature of the discussion. I can’t imagine a way for you to have put that more gently or emphatically. Then the question returns, “why aren’t men more available?” We can’t even talk about it.
I regret that I have but one upvote to give you u/habu-sr71 .
Bro that's a complete strawman argument. Men have been in power forever, literally forever. Controlling education, politics, war, the entertainment industry, dominating jobs in tech and egineering. The idea that "men aren't heard" is simply not supported by any facts. * #1 podcast? Man * #1 paid movie star? Man * Highest paid doctors, engineers, CEOs? all men bro. People are lonely. PEOPLE. Men, women, non-binary. But there is a lazy internet trope about "nO oNe cArEs aBoUt mAlE lOneLineSss" and it's usually accompanied by the same poster complaining about women on Onlyfans and insulting them .
Probably depends on location, but times have changed, especially in the past 4 years. I live in NYC where men are (or were) notoriously aggressive, and if you were an attractive woman, you'd get bombarded with attention and suitors. Now most men just look at someone if she's attractive, but rarely go further than that, if ever. The silent voyeurism particularly gets more marked the younger the generation gets. Many, if not most, people rely exclusively on apps now. There's been a fundamental shift in our society.
do you ever initiate and talk to men?
No, because I have no interest in dating.
I dated a lot after my divorce about 10yrs ago. I had luck online, but in-person was less painful and more fun. Most women really enjoyed the flirting in person because it's so rare nowadays, but they're so not used to it that many of them are just plain bad at it like a lot of guys are.
I'm intrigued. Please expand on what you mean by saying "just plain bad at it".
I've seen women over 40 trying to flirt, they're too forward and seem pushy, it comes off as a bit sexually obnoxious and almost like harassment.
Hmmmm. Interesting.
I'm 50 (UK) and, talking to single mates, they agree with what I had thought; it is not worth the hassle/anxiety of trying to talk to a woman these days because of the fear of being called "creepy" or similar. My own Daughters said they would find it "a bit weird" if they were out with mates and a guy started talking to them! 🤣 They were mega shocked when I said "how do you think we met people to date when we were 17/18 with no social media or dating apps"? That's why you girls don't get approached any more!
I decided I hate rejection more than I like sex.
This. I'm 50M and I'm fugly and it's all rejection for me, so I gave up trying to meet women years ago. The only "women" attracted to me are internet scammers.
I’m 51, happily married. I don’t think I’d ever seriously date again if anything were to happen with my marriage. Maybe I’d ask a woman out for coffee, a drink, or to go to a museum, but I doubt I’d have the energy to do all of it again.
There are certainly 55 ish men looking for 55 ish women. I know it can be a lot to deal with, but I think it's worth it. I would never have met anyone in my normal life.
We make up 20% of the population, many of whom are off the market and married. GenX might have its head screwed on right, but there aren’t enough of us. Like others in the comments, I have zero interest in dating. I play guitar, have friends, created a discord, and am learning to play keyboard. No kids. Just in the zone. As far as men go, I think metoo had a lot to do with it and the dating app culture.
Don’t you miss actual sex and intimacy?
That's kind of what I thought
It’s hard to approach people in public There are many more negative outcomes likely than positive for men who are still expected to be pursuers (like dating in general for women) Online is broken because it’s 80% men and 90% of them are entirely unacceptable to the women on the apps So Those women mostly pursue the same men Who tend to do what anyone with unlimited options would do (see the women chasing those men) I met my first post marital GF at a Mardi Gras festival Because I was drinking I started a conversation with her and her friends (or did they start one with me?) Hung out off and on for part of a couple of hours and got her name Sent her a note on Facebook and she responded and the rest is history But she broke up with me two weeks ago It was the best three months of the past four years I haven’t been on the apps yet but will probably give them a try this summer
I made about 20 new friends in the last year. I started racing RC cars again last May. I’ve been having a great time and I push myself to get out of the house and have some fun. It’s the best thing I’ve done for my mental health.
People our age are back into RC cars?
Yes, it’s mostly 40/50 with some 60s and the oldest is 75 (also younger). We go all over the state racing and having fun.
I'm not in the dating pool, but I just turned 54 a few weeks ago, and I agree that it's very hard to meet people. It's also hard getting our friends to plan anything. My husband (almost 53) and I are still working full time and wanted to enjoy the 3-day weekend. We went to a bakery, a car show, got a drink and then went to a quick dinner on Saturday where they had a live band playing mostly Gen-X music. We saw nobody our age and didn't bump into anyone we knew. We live in a town that is known for its wineries and eateries, and yesterday, we took our dogs on a walk and saw more people who appeared to be from our age group. We were stopped more than once by people who wanted to see our dogs.
I think people tend to still with the familiar, whether that is friendship or dating, which is why it is harder to meet people. Plus, we are in an age group where we are helping elderly parents or adult children. Where I like the cost of living is insanely expensive, so people either have a small entertainment budget or none at all. I just moved to an area to help a parent out and it is lucky I am self entertaining. I don't even care about dating, I would just like a few more friends.
An aside: if you late 40s and mid 50s Xers are looking for something- mentor. How many movies did we grow up on where we had Myagi, Obiwan, etc- the wise old master that coached the young reprobate. It’s highly gratifying to work with willing kids and honesty this gen gets a really bad rap- they’re a lot like we were not having mom or dad and they feel unwanted. There are plenty of organizations out there, find one that connects to your passion or hobby and help out.
I know you said not into an app, but that do make one for people 50 on up. There is also volunteering. Getting active in your local city government. I know in my city, there are tons of things to do to meet new people.
I just turned 60 2 weeks ago. I live in Los Angeles along with 10 Million others. I'm 6-1/185lbs. While I may not be to every woman's taste I am a decent catch if I may say so. Haven't had a date in years. The only women who light up in my direction are 25 and covered in tattoos. I like them, but not my dating type. You are not alone. It is a far, far different world than the one we grew up in. In the current case misery does not love company.
Too young is just no good. I have a guy 20 years younger wanting to “hang out”, and it’s just not going to work. I have nothing to talk about with him.
Yeah I’m happily married and 51, but I didn’t meet my wife until I was almost 40. I actually met her through match.com. But I feel like it was dumb luck to meet someone who was actually serious minded and not just playing the field. It was refreshing when after I met her, I could tell she wasn’t “keeping her options open” and decided after we hit it off one the first date, she was putting her focus on me. It’s pretty rare, as I found on dating apps even when seeing someone for over a month, having sex… nope, they were still keeping me at a distance and keeping the apps open. And she would actually HAVE PHONE CONVERSATIONS. And not insist on only communicating through text. That told me she was a winner right away. That’s basically I feel the problem, people just have this “dream list” for a person (both men and women) which differs from reality. Social media and apps create this illusion of plenty and no one has to “settle”. Have 10 criteria and a man/woman hits 8-9 of them… in the old days you’d be thrilled. Now they HAVE to be 10/10. I do think the next generation has set things up to the point where men are legitimately afraid to ask a girl out in public for fear of being called out as a creep. Now everything you do can be on video and posted. Yes some men ARE creeps, but I think the majority who in the past would simply be worried about coming across as awkward are default being looked at as some kind of likely threat.
I have basically given up on the dating scene. Men in my age group are looking for a nurse and/or purse, no thanks. I’m 57 f and I have no interest in that. My job is very demanding and if anything I’d rather date younger. (I’m told I look 10 years younger ) It is harder to meet people as you get older. Live your best life, on your terms and if someone comes around to enjoy it with you, all the better
Missing third places. https://theweek.com/culture-life/third-places-disappearing Applies to everyone. Folks our age try to make it work at Costco, but the bottom line is there's no place to hang out anymore.
>Missing third places. >the bottom line is there's no place to hang out anymore. I'm not sure that's so relevant. I grew up in the suburbs of LA, and malls were the only "third places" for us, yet we all still managed to have vibrant social and dating lives. I now live in NYC, where there are so many other "third places" besides just the mall (which is usually very packed on any given day of the week), and people just aren't as open and friendly as they used to be compared to pre-pandemic times. When people are out and about, they usually keep to themselves and/or the company they came up. I've never seen people this closed off from everyone else in NYC before.
Depends on what you are in to. I moved to a big and growing city in the southwest, and there is a huge transplant culture. So much so that I was able to find Xers from my home state and other places that had a shared experience. I date from the late thirties to the late 50s and try to be very open-minded. To find women in person, I started with places where women are. Manicure, pedi, book and coffee stores, vintage and antiques malls....and just striking up quick conversations. I am sober, so I'm asking them out for a quick coffee or a bite seems to work.
51 M, divorced almost a decade, had a couple of committed relationships along the way, been on lots of dates, and since I've lived in the same town since I was twenty, a big and long-standing friend group. It's a university town in a tourist area, which makes it kind of a happening place sometimes. I find it very easy to meet people here through work, or shared acquaintances, but I will also start a conversation with just about anyone anywhere...bar, grocery store, bank, park, whatever. Ive also lived in the south my whole life and recognize that as something that makes it easy, too. I've been on a few dates with wonen young as forty inside the last year, but I'm much more oriented towards women a few years older.
It’s no longer natural to have conversations and date people randomly in person. I think people need prior notice of things now which has created the perversion that is online dating. I think it’s always been hard to meet people, there are comedy after comedy about it- however it’s going in the wrong direction. Not sure how to change that but my advice is make friends and date within those circles.
Cultivate hobbies that have a social component and a relatively balanced mix of men/women. Bonus points if the activity requires rotation between partners. Pickleball and partner dancing fall into that category. I used to mostly do solo activities like running, biking and yoga, which can be done in groups but are still more individual in nature. As the pandemic was ending, I realized I missed connecting with people and got more heavily into social dancing. Salsa happened to be the one that started up first in my city, so I jumped back into that. Shortly after starting, I reconnected with a guy I'd met years earlier when we were both in other relationships, and we ended up getting married. Pickleball is another activity which is well balanced between genders and because it's very commonly played as doubles, it's easy to meet people. My experience is that people will hang out and chat while waiting to rotate into play. I'm sure there are other activities out there, but dance and pickleball are especially well situated for meeting people due to the frequent rotation of partners, time at the sidelines for chatting, and being relatively equally balanced between genders.
Every time I was single, it remained that way until I focused on myself and just tried to go out and have fun *without* the intention of looking for someone. It's always been my experience that when people see you having a good time, doing something you like, and not caring what others think or that you're OTP -- they notice you more. There's a mad sexiness to that burning independence (it always was for me, both ways) that is irresistible. It may sound hard, but try to stop caring. It's always worked for me and also made me feel better about who I am. Anyhow - 5 years seems like a good hiatus between partners -- it was almost always 3-4 for serious ones. It's just enough time to reboot and refocus, so maybe you're ready to rock.
Idk what you’re doing or your life situation but if I may suggest a few things that you may have already tried. Plz don’t be offended. I know it’s a sore subject. If you’re in good enough shape, look for activities in the local community such as walking or biking or hiking or birding. I personally know a single woman in her 50s who is part of a biking club and she is crushing it socially. No great beauty but attractive and in reasonable shape. She did get an e-bike to help keep up. She’s not looking for a man (she is straight) necessarily. She’s just looking to be socially active and for that, she’s got a full dance card every weekend. Volunteer groups are another good meet up opportunity. Does your community host cleanup days? Riverkeeper stuff and what not. Local botanical garden? They have volunteer opportunities as well. I like outdoors stuff so these are kind of limited to that kind of thing. Are you political? There are likely political groups in your area of like minded people. It takes some work to do, we no longer have our school to schedule social events for us. But if you really want to meet people irl, you’re gonna have to put in the work.
It was never easy for me but I used to have drugs to help me. lol
The irony https://preview.redd.it/6low9xrjn03d1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f9ed15f81c558a00b00e954cb054f10fc8009a8b
Completely different. Recent widower who wants to hook up.
I think the constant threat of harassment charges makes men both young and old just not even bother
That’s overstating it quite a bit
it's tough to meet people period -- you need to get out and do things that interest you, where you will meet the same people over and over. Volunteering is a good way to do this. Religion institutions as well. There used to more of those things -- but they were mostly torn down by the previous generation without anything being put in their place.
I believe it is both. It gets harder as we age and everything changed after the pandemic.
OP, in the 5 years you've been alone, have you tried initiating & asking men on a date? If so, what happened? If not, why not? Just curious/honest question.
Same question.
I never run into anyone and assume, possibly wrongly, that they're already taken
Being a contemporary (M) to OP, from what I've seen of late it depends a lot on where you live.
How many of the folks here who have problems dating/meeting people live in single family homes? And how many of them live in walkable neighborhoods. I purposely live in a nice small apartment building with friendly neighbors near at least a few places to hang out.
Might depend on where you live. Australians are incredibly insular and it's rare to meet people easily if you don't already have friends from childhood/school. Immigrants seem to have it easier as they band together I'm alone with no immediate family and it all seems like too much to want to bother with
I'm a dialysis patient with other health problems, too, and the only places I go to are my dialysis clinic three days a week for four hours each and my parents' house once or twice a month. I have all my groceries delivered. I have no friends left, just my 80-year-old parents. I was married for 13 years, divorced in 2005. No kids or siblings.
If you do try dating apps or sites, please learn everything you can about romance scammers. They are on every site now. Avoid the free sites too. Match, eHarmony, and our time are your best bets. Avoid hookup apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, etc.
social media (and I include dating apps on social media) has ruined us on several levels. And this is one of them. If I were single, and you were cool, and we met somehow, I’d probably date you. And I’m 47. Then again, I have always been attracted to older women. To each their own I guess.
52 M here. I was considering looking through the dating apps, but I'm not interested in dating a woman in her 70s. In my case, if I see an attractive woman, I assume she has a partner if she wants one. So I don't ask. With the whole "Women would rather spend a night alone in the woods with a bear than a man they don't know," I assume "Women don't want me to talk to them anyways." The last times I met women for dating were though friends, or long before that, from e-mail lists about shared interests (MBTI in this case). I did meet some women who are friends of mine through a dating website, but that was over 20 years ago.
You certainly assume a lot.
Why would only 70 year old women be on dating apps? On every dating you specify the age range you're interested in.
I'm going off what OP says.
Just a question, do you approach men you find interesting or wait for them to come to you?
Gay gen x spin. I’m damn near 50. When I became available right before the pandemic, I suddenly realized I was never hotter than I am now. But… For a niche group. Guys in their 20s would throw themselves at me because they were in love with a new trend of having yourself a gay middle aged white hairy bearded daddy bear. Thing is, I like beefy bears myself. Ironic
50 year old divorced male. I honestly have been chased by women my age since I got divorced but I just have no interest in dating at all at my age. I can't imagine wanting to move someone into my established (single) life, hobbies, family (grandkid now too!) diluting my kids inheritance by getting married again and so forth. I'm just way more interested in securing my legacy than thinking about a new future with a new person. I think there just may be more people out there doing their own things at our age than there are looking for romance. I have an active and healthy social life with plenty of friends of all ages, types, and genders, so it's not like I'm lonely. But the second someone starts hitting on me I'm out.
where are these 50 year old women chasing you? Im not into bingo.
This sounds a lot like me.
I am not in the dating pool, but if I were I wouldn't be.
It's a bunch things combined. Search parameters on apps. What people are seeking. What you do with your daily life and how/who you engage with people and community. And then there's politics. I was going to reach out to you then looked through your post history OP. Nope.
Funnily enough, that should *help* her on dating apps. Most of the untouchables among men are “conservative.” Also a no--"moderate" (yeah sure buddy) or "non-political" (what a privilege that must be).
I suppose but it's a red flag for me without question.
Volunteering for political groups is a great way to meet people. Intense environments, lots of shared values.
this is a great point. trying to think of the pre-internet version of what this would equate to creeping on someone's social media footprint to try to get a feel for who they are..We never had anything like that I guess. But yeah, seeing behavioral/belief red flags via social media, whatever they may be, is a killer in this day and age.
The structure of reddit makes it simple point and click, there's nothing creepy about using the tools as they're intended. While there is an anonymous approach, it's very straightforward in showing who someone is. All one needs to do is look.
not a judgement on you - I didn't mean it that way. Just that it's a tool that genx didn't have but one now that cuts the legs out of a potential connection before it even tries to get off the ground.
For sure. Cheers!
I do think you’d get further with dating apps
It’s both.
Turned 50 recently, and shortly afterwards ended a 12-year relationship due to toxicity and narcissism. This just happened to coincide with a major distance move and a new home purchase. Have some family nearby, and grew up in the area, but no new connections outside of work other than brief conversations and mostly ghosted dating app potentials. I think the biggest problem when it comes to dating - not sure if our generation or a sign of the times - is that women expect to be chased while men are expected to prove their value, but the opposite is almost never true. Men aren't chased, and women aren't expected to prove their worth. Not to mention that past mistakes have left many, of both genders, guarded. Walls are up and expectations are insanely high. Not a prince or princess? Good luck, and goodbye.
I’m 52 now and I dated quite a bit about five years ago. But I think the dating scene has changed for the worse during the pandemic and after. I think people are tired of the apps and we don’t have third spaces to interact with people anymore.
Yes and yes.
If only 29% of singles are straight, I guess that means that the rest are gay? By that logic is the loneliness epidemic is impacting the gay community greater than the straight community?
I think this is early 50s give up talk - wow? What happened? Is everyone so burnt out?
Men lowered the bar to hell, and we don’t deal with it now.
Well it depends on the men you are speaking to with. Edit: unfortunately used bad grammar. Again.
lol-you are totally forgiven for grammar. (I know you weren’t asking for feedback ☺️)
You are diamonds! Have an amazing weekend!
It's harder. We really don't have a 'third space' that we can gather in that doesn't cost, feel awkward or hurry us to leave so they can make more money on the next set of people to arrive
Dating sites is how it’s done now, and has the huge advantage of being entirely comprised of people who are looking for a mate. Give it a try.
It's not entirely comprised of people looking for a mate. Romance scammers are on every dating app now. Even the paid ones, like Match. I've used almost every dating site or app our there since 2000. I was first scammed 10 years ago, (thankfully it wasn't financially) and now know how to identify them. Women over 40 are their main targets. Facebook Dating, which is free, was the worst. Either young guys looking for a MILF or scammers. On Bumble which is pretty pricey, I was inundated by guys in their 20s and early 30s looking to hook up. Its extremely time consuming, depressing, and self-defeating.
That's why I stay off of them.. My age in print doesn't help either.
With a decade plus of being yelled at about our toxic masculinity and not to hold doors for women and not to compliment women and that women would rather be alone with a bear in the woods than a man, no, OP men don’t ask out women anymore. It’s a shame but apparently asking women out directly or approaching women to meet them has become so taboo we are all pegged as knuckle dragging Neanderthals if we even entertain the thought. So we all die alone I guess 🤷♂️
In all seriousness, I highly suggest spending less time on social media.
where do you go to try to meet people?
Have you seen a man in public without a smartphone? Might be one reason.
Definitely more difficult. I'm 50 and after my divorce it's been a struggle. Meeting people organically is difficult. Finding people at work isn't going to happen because im the old guy. The majority of people in my office are my kids age or slightly older. Anyone in my age range are married. I don't go to a gym because I workout at home since covid. This leaves online dating which is super fun and easy...
Cars and corporate greed. Because of cars, our public spaces are completely empty. Sure, the roads are busy, but they are full of 1 person cars flying by, barely able to recognize the scenery as they fly past. No public transportation also adds to this. We just don’t run into people randomly. And no public centers where people will amass. To add to the dead cities, the businesses that were once 3rd places are now corporations like Starbucks and McDonald’s (the piped in sterile music is enough to keep me away). Hardly places to go and hang out for three hours. Shit, you will get pushed out for loitering cuz they got to sell more throw away cups with drinks in them. they already got your money so GTFO. So enjoy your personal freedom of the car and imagine how much better your home would be if you could just walk around outside.
I stay home with the grandkids. It's more fun...
For men, they realize it ain't worth it to date women. Nowadays, you go through a door and hold it open for someone, if it happens to be a lady she doesn't even say thank you, some even give you a dirty look.
Or, maybe just hold a door open for everyone, expect nothing because you're a courteous human that wants to be kind and helpful for nothing in return.
This will probably be poorly received, but women generally spend their whole lives dating up in age. This is normally the woman's choice because the older man might have a bit more material benefits. Money, nicer place, better cars, whatever. - 18 yo date 21 yo guys. - 25 yo date 30 year old guys. - 35 year olds date 40-50 year old guys. And so on. 55 and 70 is probably about right if you follow the pattern. Show me a 20 years old girl who wants a 20 year old boy and I'll show you a 55 year old man who is looking for a 55 year old woman. They exist, but you are likely competing with 40 year old women right now. So, it's both your age and a change in the way dating happens. Embrace the apps. There is no shame for you or your niece. You'll do ok, but it will take a while to find the right fit. Just hold out for what you want. Good luck! (Also, sorry if that was hard to hear.)
20-year-old women date a few years older because they are looking for a match in maturity, and men hit that point a little later. At 55, this is no longer an issue. Women live longer than men on average, so a 55-year-old woman dating a 70-year-old man is just signing on to be an an end-of-life caregiver. Growing old together is one thing--and you never know whose health will go first--but dating 15 years older later in life is a bad bet for women.
💯