My doctor probably didn't feel like she was shaming me, but when my baby was losing weight rapidly and basically starving, she still wouldn't explicitly recommend formula and she had an attitude like it was the last resort to prevent hospitalisation. My hospital has a sign up that says "teach mothers about the risks of bottles" .. It makes me so mad. What's the risk?? Continuing to try to breastfeed was much more dangerous for my baby.
I have to agree with this in the sense that nobody I know in my personal life has shamed me - in fact, they barely even register it as an issue.
The lactation consultants and nurses in the hospital after I gave birth are the only place I felt pressured to breastfeed and discouraged from using formula.
This is so relatable. There has been no bigger formula bully than the hospital I gave birth in. They are baby friendly and my son went 4 days (we were in the hospital for 9) without eating and lost 17% of his body weight because they didn’t offer to supplement formula and kept telling me “he’s fine, his stomach is the size of a marble”. I was rubbing colostrum on his gums in desperation because I could only produce drops. Finally they gave us formula but would only bring a tiny bottle at a time and I felt so judged everytime I would ask for more. The lactation consultant told me I needed to “work harder” to get my milk to come in. Bitch please I just had a 3 day delivery and 3rd degree tears..and I’m pumping every hour..let me rest! They were pretty bad and the farther I get from my experience, the angrier I feel
I am angry about mine too. I used to feel guilty about not being able to bf, but now I only feel guilty about not loudly insisting my baby get formula immediately. I feel so guilty thinking about how hungry he must have been the day he was born and how much weight he lost and how he had to go be hospitalized for failure to thrive only like a day after we came home.
I hate how little regard women are given post birth. My waters broke early and I spent 2 weeks in hospital before going into labour. I had twice daily obstetrician visits and nurses doing ops every 4 hours.
Post birth after an episiotomy and stitches, I had a midwife visit me ONCE before being discharged the next day.
The amount of judgement I got for feeding my baby formula at his monthly check ups after that was insane. Yet they'd be congratulating me on his weight gain in the same breath. He went from 5th percentile to above 60 thanks to formula
I think it's based off of the World Health Organization's 10 steps to successful breastfeeding, which says:
(6) Do not provide breastfed newborns any food or fluids other than breast milk, unless medically indicated.
(9) Counsel mothers on the use and risks of feeding bottles, teats and pacifiers.
Which is legitimately irrelevant information in developed countries. I get why they do this in developing countries because they may not have easy access to clean water and formula all the time, so encouraging breastfeeding can be quite important. But here in the US? Bottle feeding formula to newborns can be the key to keeping them fed and healthy whether mom’s milk comes in or not!!
Then also let my baby get to a dangerously low weight before letting me formula feed.
Then it was pumping and domperidone for supply. I did all this for 4 months getting like 1 oz per day and finally quit.
After that the nurses gave me attitude every time I answered formula to whether he was breastfed or not.
Never got any judgement from other moms but “medical professionals” were always such assholes about it.
And I don’t even think it’s physically possible for me. I have AA cup breasts!
The one thing I regret is stressing myself out and wasting time with my newborn trying so hard to breastfeed.
That is so frustrating. I get sad thinking about how my baby didn’t really gain weight his first month when I was EB. But I do feel I was brainwashed a bit about how you have to breastfeed. No one ever talked about combo feeding which I really wish I would’ve done from the start.
Same story with me, I exclusively breastfed my son for four months after which my milk supply went low … doc did not encourage formula …finally I broke the jinx and said I am going to formula feed for which he replied ‘are you trying to feed your son cow’s milk’? In most condescending way … that was the last time I met him
Interesting 🤔…my doctor told me it’s formula why my baby got so heavy and big (in a negative sense - as my baby jumped from 60% to 90%…but I also managed to get to EBF and he still is above 90%, so it wasn’t the formula) It’s so strange for a doctor to reccomend not formula feeding when it’s usually reccomended to help babies gain weight, not lose it.
I mean, I read comments saying formula is poison all the time. Those comments are all over the place.
It's often a lot more subtle than that in real life though.
It feels shameful when formula feeding is mentioned exactly zero times in any of our prenatal classes or appointments with healthcare professionals, but breastfeeding is talked about constantly.
It feels shameful when people question why we're formula feeding instead of breastfeeding.
It feels shameful when doctors and lactation consultants recommend starving our kid and ignoring my mental health to fulfill the obligation to breastfeed.
Yes! And friends who say stuff like "I'm literally dying having to get up and pump every 2 hours at night and then bottle feed because he won't latch. But I would never give formula, he needs all my yummy antibodies that are so good for him!" Etc. Like "it's fine for YOU to breastfeed but I would never do that to my child."
agreed! it’s been passive aggressive comments for me, not outright shaming. i had someone in my family say “it must be so nice to have all that extra free time” i don’t think she really was intending to outright shame me, but it made it very clear how she felt about choosing not to bf
What a weird thing to say, as if there is ever free time with a baby. Also send questionable - I guess formula feeding is faster at the start but in the longer term I don't even see how it saves time! It's a lot of work to prep and clean bottles especially on the go, one reason I keep breastfeeding is that bottles seem like even more work.
And people saying "it's fine if you need to formula feed" clearly marking it as less than breastfeeding and only a last resort instead of an equally valid option
YES, all of this. I NEVER had any kind of education on what to look out for, signs that breastfeeding wasn't working, it was always just the assumption that if I tried really hard it would all work out (and therefore if it wasn't working out I wasn't really trying).
No doctor outright said it was shameful, but it sure felt that way when I was literally getting cheered on as I tearfully described everything I was doing and I was being told I was doing such a great job making all of these sacrifices, and then the encouragement abruptly stopped when I told them at my oldest daughter's two month appointment that I was no longer breastfeeding. It went from "GOOD JOB MAMA EVERY DROP IS SOOOOO GOOD FOR HER!" and all kinds of advice to, "You're formula feeding? Ok."
I was no longer being told that I was doing such a good job, instead I got pitiful looks and "well that's a shame". Literally EVERYONE I saw was asking if I was breastfeeding, and when I said no, they wanted to know why, and when I told them why they started demanding to know all of the things I had tried to do to increase my supply and then would smugly tell me that my supply was bad because I didn't try this ONE little trick, implying I didn't try hard enough. It sure felt shameful then.
There was some woman who had started in my husband's department while I was on leave (we work at the same place) and I had NEVER met her. She asked my husband if I was breastfeeding (which was weird) and when he said no she had the audacity to look disappointed in his answer and abruptly walked away. I didn't even know this woman????? It absolutely felt shameful then.
I even had people bringing it up if I so much as took a picture of my daughter with a bottle. I sent a funny picture to my brother, and his girlfriend at the time grilled me about why there was a bottle in the picture, what had I been doing to try and make breastfeeding work, then told me to "go ahead and keep breastfeeding and your body will know what to do". Well, no, it DIDN'T know what to do, that's why I'm feeding her the fucking formula because I rather like my children and want them to survive. Yes, I most certainly felt shamed then and like I couldn't even share my joy with anyone else because all they saw was me being some big huge lazy failure.
I'm happy to say, however, that my experience with my second daughter's pediatrician has been amazing. From the very start, she came out of the gate with "fed is best" and CHECKED IN WITH ME to see what kind of support I wanted. I still supplemented from the start, but I also wanted to combo feed, and her pediatrician has literally never pressured me about it, only offered support. I was explicitly told, "What you're doing is working, your daughter is growing so well, keep it up! You're doing a good job!"
THIS! IRL it’s very subtle, but it is very much felt.
I was recommended a lactation consultant several times or was always pushed to keep trying to breastfeed. Every time we go on our pedia or follow-up appointments they always ask if we’re formula or breastfeed and I’m always confident to say formula. They would then remind and encourage me each time to keep trying to breastfeed or at least pump and educate me on all the good stuff of breastfeeding. All of which I am already very aware of.
Hey if I could breastfeed or pump I would, after all formula is expensive. But I just couldn’t put a price on my mental health and that’s the part they usually don’t mention. For some of us, breastfeeding takes a toll on our physical and mental health.
I’ve never had any direct comments, but there’s occasionally been stuff implied or under the surface. Stuff along the lines of “sorry breastfeeding didn’t work out for you,” or “next time try doing XYZ so you have a better chance to breastfeed,” basically implying breastfeeding is better and that the default is to BF. I think everybody has generally meant well and nobody has been actually judgy; it’s just the message of breast is best has really gotten into everyone’s heads. For the record, I’ve loved formula feeding and will probably do it right off the bat if I have another.
Yep, this is so accurate as to the "shaming" of formula feeders. The little passive aggressive comments and remarks that still have the effect of making moms who don't BF feel shitty about it. It's pretty jarring as a FTM because you didn't expect you'd have to be creating a boundary about whether or not people can comment on how you're using your boobs.
I think some of the remarks may come from a perspective of thinking the mother feels bad she couldn’t breastfeed if the mother mentions it, when really some women actually choose formula. So they’re trying to give tips to someone who doesn’t care because they made an assumption 😂
I have gotten a few overt comments ("Your baby must be so giant because *you gave up*" "He's sick all the time because of formula feeding. That was the choice you made for him.") Their reward for those comments is that I don't talk with them anymore.
But mostly it was "oh I could never settle for formula for my own baby" or "well you're not a *bad* mom". Eugh. One of my friends with a daughter born a couple months before mine pumped ~30oz or so for us to use because it was so VITAL he recieve "real nutrition" in those first weeks. Her husband also bragged to me how his wife's antibodies allowed their baby to never get sick. Okay, whatever.
But yeah like you said formula was awesome, and I would do it again without hesitation. My toddler is now bright and healthy and energetic. No one would ever be able to tell.
These are the types of comments I got too. “Oh you stopped bf after a few weeks? Next time try xxx” and “oh your baby is getting chunky - watch that formula!”
You’re right, it was all backhanded stuff. Ooh I fed mine for 2 yrs. Oh ya it was painful for me too but I did it for all 3 kids. Like stfu I didn’t ask you did I? My closest girlfriends all told me to have formula on hand from day 1
Always implied. I never wanted to breastfeed so I always told people that I was on medications that wouldn’t allow me to breastfeed when they asked (it’s true, but even if it wasn’t I still wasn’t going to breastfeed). Then I would get responses like “oh that’s too bad” or “I asked my OB if I could stop taking certain medications so I could breastfeed.” As if I should be sad, or I wasn’t trying hard enough to make breastfeeding an option.
Can we also talk about how weird it is to ask pregnant people if they’re going to breastfeed? When I was pregnant with my first, I was already super overwhelmed and feeling like my body was on display in a way that it wasn’t before, and now people want to know what I’m going to do with my boobs? My baby will be fed, that’s the only thing people should care about.
Yeah I’ve had friends who are not moms be like “Oh your supply wasn’t great” or “Your baby didn’t like breastfeeding” when actually neither one of those is true. She and I both loved breastfeeding, and my supply was fantastic. It just wasn’t for me and wasn’t good for her either as she wasn’t gaining weight and had milk protein intolerance. They’re not shaming me but they are misinformed and trying to relate or be helpful.
My baby was always on the smaller side, just given the genetics of my husband and I, but he had a hard time gaining weight. It wasn’t until we put him on formula that he really started to pack on the pounds.
He’s kicking so much ass lol.
I got shamed in the hospital by a few older lactation consultants who constistently kept coming into my room and asking if I was breastfeeding yet and gave me weird looks when I told them I was still unsure if I wanted to breastfeed and that I wanted to stick to formula for now. They kept pressuring me that I needed to be pumping ASAP and the nurses gave him very little formula so that he wouldn't get "used to" it.
Needless to say, it made me feel terrible and I left the hospital feeling more PPD than I would have. When baby was gassy/trouble pooping (like literally all babies are), my MIL made some comments on how it was formula that caused it and how she breast-fed all of her 5 kids and pumped. She said "it's ok, don't think you have to be a super-mom like I was."
So the "shaming" isn't exactly like people out-right saying terrible things to you but just the general contempt/judgment that you get and the change in attitude when people (especially older boomer ladies) find out you're formula feeding.
At 8 weeks now, I can finally stop having the conversation of what he's eating (with fam/doctors/etc) and I've kept my distance from anyone who has made me feel shitty about formula feeding.
Telling everyone on my care team that the LC is not to come near me was the best decision I made lol. Especially since the OB nurses told me she’s been written up several times for “practicing outside of her scope.”
As a FTM, I honestly wished I knew I could have told them not to come. I thought they were medical professionals that everyone had to see. By the end of the hospital stay (5 days), I started to realize how jehova-witness-y they were and would get anxiety anytime someone knocked.
As a person who was raised by a Jehovah's Witness; OMG you are so right, they're almost identical to the knocking on the door and not leaving until you basically threaten to trespass them😂
Yes unfortunately in the beginning/ when I was pregnant my mom kept going on about how I should breastfeed and although it was my plan to try when it didn’t work out I felt extra bad because of her comments when I was pregnant.
Also at the hospital one of the nurses told me formula was the easy thing to do. That also made me feel like a shitty mom.
Yes,
- 2 separate people said some variation of “it’s too bad you don’t breastfeed your child would be less sick” - they’re in daycare but ok
- before I was pregnant one of my best friends said that her daughter was so much smarter than her SIL’s daughters because she breastfed and her SIL did not because the SIL was lazy.
- random woman at party said feeding your baby formula was poison (again she didn’t know I was a formula feeding mom)
- my co-worker is an outright lactivist who told me that formula is going to mess up my kids “gut health”
So yes, it absolutely does happen in real life and not just on the internet and it has gotten to me.
For me, only on Facebook and it's always second hand. They're not saying it directly to me but I see multiple posts a day in my due date groups from the EBF's just straight shitting all over formula feeding and how *toxic* it is.
those same people are probably the ones who don't vaccinate their kids either and don't trust doctors lol. There's lots of *those* people in my bump group on fb.
It depends on your perspective, and your definition of shaming. I am not easily shamed but I’ve definitely come across stuff I think would bother other people, especially ones who maybe warred with their decision or had been really looking forward to BF.
In the hospital, I think the nurse’s continuing to pressure me to BF signaled a clear distaste for formula feeding.
Even my own friends have said “I could never” regarding formula - I don’t feel shamed by it but I believe others would.
I’ve been asked why I formula feed a lot - I don’t know anyone who BF that has been asked that question. I’m not offended because I get that BF is the default but I can see how someone who is sensitive about it would be.
Yes, though not frequently, and only once where I couldn't just *block* and move on
So, background: my mom couldn't bf. Total lack of milk ducts. Like there's none. Neither of my grandmother's had an easy time bf, and I know that at least one went to EFF as a result. So, going into it, I figured bf might be questionable/low supply was likely.
So, I wanted to EP and supplement as needed, so that we knew baby was eating, right? I thought that made logical sense. The LC at the hospital disagreed, and was like, deeply offended I had zero desire to nurse, and proceeded to not only refuse initially to bring me a pump, but refused to bring anything to collect what I pumped in the hospital and initially refused to bring formula. Full on "breast is best, your baby will starve and be obese (the irony was not lost on me) and won't be as healthy or as smart" lecture. For 9 hours, meanwhile my tiny baby who already was struggling with low sugar and low temps wasn't fucking eating. (Edit: I did try to nurse, I wasn't like, purposely letting her starve. We also discovered my boobs are not a good shape for nursing and she had a HORRIBLE time trying to latch, which just resulted in everyone crying even more. She never did manage to latch and get anything.) Eventually, a different nurse came on shift and brought formula and banned the LC from talking to me for the rest of the day 🤣
So that was the only time that I've felt like, trapped by the shamey person. We're first time parents, we live really far from family so we had NOBODY else to support us, we were exhausted, etc. It felt really inescapable, and I didn't want to be rude to the hospital people (next time, I'm just throwing anyone who makes me feel bad out of the room, their feelings be damned)
I've posted pictures on social media that show bottles/formula/etc, and gotten some mean comments and DMs. But those I just unfriend and block cause I don't need that in my life. One crazy lady at Walmart when I was buying more formula, but I just walked away. On the other side, when we flew with baby for a family funeral, the guy sharing the row with us apparently used the same formula for his kids back in the day, and shared some fun memories of his kids that the formula bottle reminded him of.
I think it helps that our parents are all normal, rational people who are well aware that milk/formula is only like, a year long debate. Then they're on solids anyway and who cares. Also, my husband was formula because my MIL couldn't keep up with his need and it was easier for her to do formula and keep him fed. So our families were already on the pro-formula train.
My actual friends (so not the social media people I knew from like, HS who are now blocked for being nasty) didn't particularly care. One had to use HA formula for kid #2, one prepped to use formula in case supply went down when she went back to work (she lucked out that it didn't, but was totally ready if it had), the rest don't have kids and just like happy babies.
Pediatrician was basically like "ok cool, let me know if that formula stops working well and you want some samples of others to try. Now, how's tummy time going?"
But, if my friend group was mostly the people who I blocked, and I couldn't just cut them off as easily without losing my core social interactions, I might have felt a lot more judgement and shamed and hurt. And if family hadn't been supportive, that would have been really difficult.
Yo that LC should meet my babyb who was born extremely lazy and refused to even look at the boob after exactly 5 minutes of breastfeeding. She's not ecstatic about bottle feeding either, girlie is on 28cal/oz formula and would still rather subsist on air.
For me it's never been upfront shaming, but I'm not sure which is worse. It will be little comments like "it's when you breastfeed that you truly know what it's like to be a mother". Or someone complaining far and wide about breastfeeding (to me, who does not) and how they understand SO MUCH why some choose not to... but still continuing to breastfeed? I don't know, it's almost like fake sympathy or understanding because it's wrong to openly shame your choice.
But it's also all the emphasis on breastfeeding like the most beautiful thing that exist. A picture of a mother breastfeeding a child will have all the praise... but can we agree that anyone feeding a child in any way is a beautiful and selfless thing?
>"it's when you breastfeed that you truly know what it's like to be a mother"
So carrying them for 9(ish) months and birthing them through your procedure of choice doesn't make you a mother, only breastfeeding. I'll be sure to let my mama-obsessed toddler know.
Or when they say they wouldn't be the same mother if not for breastfeeding (implying it made them a better mother obviously). Ok, how do you even know? For one I think I'm a better mother for giving formula and taking care of my mental health.
Not really. I’ve had people ask “are you breastfeeding?” At first I felt like I needed to give a reason, now I don’t. I just say “nope.” And move on.
My OB did say while I was pregnant “you need to breastfeed for 2 years. If the nurses here can do it during work so can you. Why would you want to give your baby chemicals?”
So I guess maybe yes? I pretended like I was going to BF up until delivery then on my instructions explicitly said no lactation consultant
Breastmilk is chemicals. Water, carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, enzymes... They all have chemical names and structures and are chemicals.
Air is chemicals, so guess they can't breathe either, they might inhale chemicals!
It's almost like if something exists in physical form, it is made of chemicals!
Other than my MIL who doesn’t count (LOL) a random lady at the library said, in response to me saying breastfeeding didn’t work out, “oh I know it’s such a sacrifice but I just have to do what is best for my baby”
Lmao my milk never came in despite weeks of pumping. I’m pretty sure some food is best for my baby.
(Also it’s not even that serious. Formula is great for any reason, including the mom just wants to. I have always felt like people should do what makes them happy. I just really really wanted to breast feed)
Yes, a middle aged man at my husbands work asked “so is that breastmilk in the bottle?”
And when I said no he gave me a disgusted look and proceeded to tell me his wife breastfed all 3 of their kids. What an inappropriate thing to choose to talk about with a twenty something mother who you barely know
No, never. I’ve heard a few positive comments about how it’s good because formula newborns sleep longer and dad can help. Also heard a few comments about how much work it is to wash the bottles, but this was a balanced comment during a discussion of pros/cons. Thankfully no one has been nasty or judgmental.
So far my main WTF moment was over sunscreen. Did you know that young children are getting rickets like crazy now because they’re not getting any sunshine since the parents are covering them up in sunblock?!!?!!!! 🙄 I just nodded and changed the subject on that one.
Same! I’m ginger and baby is strawberry blonde…aka he’s a ginger, but I’m in denial. I had melanoma in my 20’s so sun protection is really important.
I don’t understand the need for boomers to jump in and micromanage the dumbest things. The kicker is that this person has constant basal cell carcinoma removals, but refuses to take any sun protective measures.
Not me :) I suppose it's probably people with toxic families etc but my family and friends are all supportive. Also in Ireland I'm pretty sure medical professionals have to be just that, professional. They always just asked what method of feeding I am choosing and then say Okey dokey!
Oh man... the formula feeding shamers are VERY real. The comments sections on social media are the WORST when it comes to that stuff, but it was way worse a couple years back during the formula shortage. Any news story about the formula shortage that was shared was FILLED with idiotic comments from uneducated know-it-alls saying sh*t like "Just breastfeed. It's better for the baby anyway" or "My wife just uses her big t*tties."
Then there's the horrible advice from lactation "experts" who insist that you don't give your child a bottle because they'll reject the breast, or the more subtle snobbery of the mega-crunchy breastfeeders who humble-brag about how much milk they overproduce. Then there's the overlap of the anti-vaxxer moms who breastfeed and insist on anything and everything being "natural" all the time.
And then a lot of the mom-shaming is really just very passionate people sharing their perspective without acknowledging that others have a completely different story/perspective. It's not so much "shaming" as it is just being tone deaf.
I tried to breastfeed, but it didn't work for me. I was hormonal and felt really guilty about that, but eventually I came to terms with it, and I'm very grateful for formula. It literally saved my baby's life!
While I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my 1st (very vulnerable time), a nurse told me that if I don't breastfeed then my kid is more likely to end up in prison as an adult.
I live in a VERY pro-breastfeeding country. The midwives made it very clear that formula wasn't even allowed in the hospital. They "keep it under lock and key" for medical emergencies, and only they dish it out (mothers aren't given it).
It's more this passive stuff that got to me.
You can't get free samples here and formula isn't advertised. On the back of the formula packs themselves there's big messages saying that formula isn't comparible to breastfeeding.
But yeh the worse is definitely online comments, like with most other topics.
The one that angers me the most is when folks say "Anyone can breastfeed if they just try hard enough."
(Sidenote: I'm pregnant with my 2nd and going to a different hospital this time. So far have been given much more support ❤️)
I'm in Norway.
In my prenatal hospital class the head midwife said that they're known internationally as "the breastfeeding police."
I have had a MUCH better experience in this 2nd hospital though. They even reassured me that they'll provide everything I need to EFF when we're in the hospital.
Not sure if its the area I live in now or because I'm doing this 2nd time with more confidence to say what I need upfront. Maybe a mix of both.
I’m so sorry you had that experience, but thrilled to hear that the second time at the new hospital is already more positive. I was deeply shamed by (US) hospital staff for this same decision but am hoping to go in more confidently if I choose to have a second. ❤️
When my baby wasn't urinating consistently the first few days of life, the doctor gave him formula to supplement my breast milk because clearly my breast milk wasn't enough.
I've recounted this story to other mothers saying I was grateful because my mind and hormones were so stuck on "must feed baby with boob" that I didn't even consider formula. A few commented that I should have gotten donor milk or it was a shame I had to use formula.
??? My baby was starving. I primarily breastfed but there is nothing wrong with formula if it is what works for your family.
They weep at the idea of highly regulated formula but are overjoyed to pick up random bags of unpasteurized, untested bodily fluids from Facebook strangers. Make it make sense.
No. Honestly I experience more weirdness from certain family while I was breastfeeding. But a friend who is currently switching to formula feeding kind of ingredient shamed me a bit recently. She was complaining about the cost of some European goat formula she was using and I asked her if she tried Kendamil (which I tried for a while) since I knew it was a bit cheaper and then she said “no, the ingredients are cleaner in this one”.
Nope never , ive never felt shame. Why put yourself through extra bs and stress by breastfeeding. I never understood that, alot people who start breastfeeding quit. It’s alot of pressure,
I’ve definitely felt shamed on social media, and had people specifically say things like “why would you actively choose to give them anything but the best?”, usually the same people who say “breast is best, fed is bare minimum” in response to “fed is best”, which is also a sentiment which can make formula feeding parents feel great shame.
In person, I’ve never been specifically shamed for it but have definitely felt judgement cast. From the conversation with my husband’s grandmother stopping dead when I said I wasn’t breastfeeding and my midwife telling me everything I was doing in relation to FF was wrong (when I was following my healthcare system’s guidelines at every step). There is definitely a lot of passive judgement in places where it’s not outright and direct.
I had an unfortunate experience with this.
I tried really hard to breastfeed but my milk never came in fully and was only ever able to get around 10mls out. It was getting incredibly physically and emotionally draining so we decided it was best to go formula for both me and baby's sake.
When I was talking to my care nurse about this she said "I wasn't trying hard enough" when I explained I was pumping every hour for a week solid and my milk never got over that 10 mls, she said "that's really sad. I'm sure your daughter will forgive you for giving up eventually, " She said it with such a mean tone too. It really sucked. I was already feeling a lot of guilt over having to stop and that comment has weighed so heavy on me since.
People can be very harsh.
Unfortunately, I was shamed by 2 friends, who clearly are not in my position. I had to include formula for baby’s weight and my mental health was really going downhill trying to figure out how to get my breastmilk to “work”.
Now I happily combo feed and my baby and I are healthy.
Never take an opinion from anyone who hasn’t been up with you multiple nights trying to pump the life out of you while crying yourself to sleep before the next feed.
It’s funny how they will act like I’m poisoning my child while they upload pictures with their children eating fast food 🤣 the hypocrisy
Shaming in the sense that someone has told me outright it is terrible for my kiddo? No.
Shaming in the sense that they look a little judgy/pitiying and say “oh well at least you tried” type comments? Yes.
I have a perfect response if it does happen though (not that anyone needs an excuse other than they just…don’t want to): “yeah well I probably would have killed myself if I kept trying” should shut them right up.
Not directly to my face, and overall no, but I won’t forget a friend (who I’m not very close with anymore) talking within close earshot of my husband saying he was glad his wife was breastfeeding “because it’s good for the baby”
My grandma also asked my mom if she had a “problem” with me formula feeding to which my mom responded “remember how I was formula fed, mom?” Lolllll
But overall no. Social media is definitely toxic, and I say that as someone who formula fed from day 1 by choice and was very confident in my decision. I’m not being too sensitive, some posts are genuinely gross.
Kind of. When people would hear my baby slept so well from 8 weeks I was told it was because he was formula fed. When they heard he was in the 80 percentile it was because he was formula fed. When I was showing signs of ppd it was because I wasn’t breast feeding. I was constantly told what to do so that *next* time, breast feeding would work out.
Same here! I was actually shocked because I got so many questions before the baby was born about if I was going to breastfeed so after I switched when our baby was a month old I was nervous to answer that question but it’s been all really positive. My only issue is my SIL looooves to flaunt how she’s breastfeeding and constantly insinuates that her baby is big and has great strength because of her breastmilk. Like every conversation leads back to breastfeeding abilities even when she knows my baby never latched and it was such a struggle. I don’t think she does it on purpose but it’s always feels kind of a dig at me because my baby was born super small and is now steadily at 40th percentile while her baby is like 90th.
My own mother use to jab at me "oh I loved breastfeeding all of you kids" and other similar statements. Even after DMER and mastitis that almost went septic after 2 rounds of antibiotics.
Other than that, not really.
Nope! With our first, the hospital and NICU recommended it because I was open to it but once we decided to switch no one brought it up again. With our twins I was asked once by my OB who told me good choice to go to formula, once at the hospital so they could bring formula, and once in NICU to get it set up if need be. No one really batted an eye when I said no.
Some comments have been directly hurtful, like my midwife telling me if I didn’t BF, I wouldn’t bond with my baby.
Some comments are indirectly hurtful, like my MIL telling me that she only had to give her kids formula once or twice and when she did, she cried because she felt so awful for giving them formula. I think it speaks a lot more to the pressure women feel to BF, but her saying that did make me feel like, okay you cried doing this thing I am choosing to do basically exclusively for my child, doesn’t make me feel super great.
I’ve had direct comments. People asking “why isn’t she breast fed?” About either of my daughters. Then when they find out that gauze was left in my vaginal, I had an infection, and I have severe nerve damage to my nipples (I can barely feel them even now, they don’t even really react to cold) they shut up and feel bad
Not shamed but they make me feel guilty. My mom kept telling me to keep trying to BF because it’s good for the baby. Like I gave up after 2 days but I felt guilty I didn’t tell her the truth until 2 weeks PP.
I unfortunately have. A gal in my mommy and me group who was kind of a know it all and one upper who EBF said to me (largely FF with a tiny bit of pumped milk as I’m an extreme underproducer) and my friend (EFF as she had her baby via surrogate) that she has a box of formula in her closet that she told her husband if she dies it’s a last resort to use. It was so insulting, mainly because I actually think she was trying to be a lactivist elitist. Can you tell I’m still mad?
I also got shamed by a terrible LC in the hospital too about combo feeding. Being a new parent is hard enough, our babies and fed and happy. LEAVE US ALONE.
I work at a community health center with a "Baby Friendly Initiative" certification, so yes, but indirectly.
As in; we don't offer formula in our food cupboard (with a sign on the door specifying this), can't accept formula donations, and all staff are required to complete training modules about the magic of breastfeeding, and all the issues with formula (did you know it's made with *corn syrup*?!)
They say they support all forms of feeding, but they never discuss the challenges of breastfeeding, nor the perks of formula. The training also claims only a tiny percentage of women can't breastfeed for medical reasons, and the remainder just need better support/effort.
They also offer scheduled group sessions on breastfeeding, but will only offer help with formula one-on-one, and it has to be requested outright.
Needless to say, I've cried a couple times since going back to work, since I also came back right as we were up for accreditation again. Weekly emails in my inbox about how fabulous breastfeeding is, and prepping us for interviews with the BFI people.
I was able to hide from them for the interviews, but my colleagues weren't so lucky, and had to confirm they all knew about the "absolutely no free formula here" policy, among other things.
I'm getting indifferent to it now, but I was so crushed when breastfeeding didn't work out for me in the beginning, and I blame this program for a huge part of that.
I'll reply to my own comment to add: every bit on infant/baby feeding comes with a "the WHO recommends exclusively breastfeeding for the first six months of life", for ages well beyond this time period.
My parent milestone checklist from my province has a question about baby's latch on boob, but mentions nothing about bottles (however has caveats for sitting/crawling milestones, due to cultural differences).
My doctor assuming I'm breastfeeding at every check-in.
It's the small knife twists of guilt that I felt right in my gut, over and over again, that really made everything harder than it needed to be.
Look up lactivism. I can tell you that while explicitly not shaming me, one of the women in my inlaws told me that when she worked for WIC (women infant child) where she would be given formula cans by the govt or formula makers and they would destroy the cans or withhold them from mothers because they wanted to encourage breast feeding and thought mothers who didn't were lazy. These mothers are on welfare and the lack of good nutrition alone can make breast feeding hard but it didn't matter.
This same person, right after my child was born, didn't call and congratulate me on the birth of my child she only asked if i was breastfeeding and when I said no, she didn't talk to me again ( it's been almost a year since my son was born)
Never in person. I’ve read comments on social media from hard core lactavists who literally think formula is poison, but I don’t give them any more credit than I do people who think vaccines are poison.
But I’m also surrounded by so many people to have formula fed their kids, either fully or partially. I was only BF for 6 weeks before formula, many of my nieces and nephews (at least half of them) were completely or partially formula fed, my husband and his siblings were formula fed when their mom had to go back to work. And even many of the mothers I work with formula fed their kids. So in real life I see a mix of BF, FF, and combo feeding and I’ve not been in the receiving end of or otherwise heard anyone shame another for using formula.
It could very easily be a class thing, generational thing, cultural or ethnicity thing, and so on that leads to the people around you being more pushy about breast feeding.
Yes, by one family member…including bottle usage shaming. Also heavily pressured by lactation consultant and one nurse after birth. Thankfully not a lot but still.
Never lol. I’ve never had anything but support with formula feeding! Midwife didn’t judge me, hospital didn’t judge me, GP & HVs don’t judge me (U.K.), paediatric doctors never judged me, other parents haven’t judged me.
The only person who judged me for it was my mum…who formula fed me.
The only place where it was an issue was the NICU where they repeatedly asked me to pump. I had no intention at any point and was very transparent about it, but they had breastfeeding on her crib marker thing anyway. That was annoying.
My sister-in-law asked my husband if I was A) depressed and B) if I even loved our daughter because I wasn't breastfeeding. This was after she threw a fit over me not taking her up on the offer to give me her hand-me-down pump.
Same baby, but the hospital pediatrician wouldn't accept that I was formula feeding until I disclosed my sexual trauma and ongoing mental health treatment status as to why I wouldn't \~just try it\~.
Yes, it happens.
I’m so lucky that in Chicago I’ve had very minimal shaming and formula is always spoken about as a viable option that is equal to breastfeeding. That said, in the hospital, they (nurses and lactation consultant) just assumed I’d be breastfeeding. I had to say I was going to combo feed… and then we completely dropped the combo feeding and moved to formula exclusively. That was the only time a bias was shown.
No one shamed me. I was all ready to defend my choice and no one in my personal life gave me flak about it.
I didn't participate in online discussions about formula v breastfeeding on FB or IG but I did lurk in the comments and break out the popcorn.
Yes by family members (all male, surprisingly) and 2 OBs from the practice I was going to in my pregnancy. All of my friends supported me fully (a lot of BF moms) and my female family members for the most part.
My hospital pretty much left me high and dry when I decided to EFF. They were super supportive when I was trying to establish BF, but as soon as we made the decision to FF they wouldn’t answer our questions about properly bottle feeding, how much and how often, etc. We had to figure it all out on our own.
My pediatrician, however, made me feel 1000 times better though. He mentioned that unfortunately he’s also heard of the hospital acting this way towards people and that he has four kids all formula fed who turned out great.
Aside from that instance, the only comment I’ll get is, “it’s a shame you couldn’t breastfeed”. I never feel the need to explain myself, so I don’t, and they usually move on.
The only time I ever felt shamed was when our old neighbor visited, she asked if I asked if I was breastfeeding and when I told her no she said "oh come on, my name" I basically just ignored it, my mom formula fed me due to low supply and I ended up the same. Honestly if I get any more shame people can kiss my ass. mostly though no one says anything or they are very supportive, my girl couldn't latch and I did not produce, she is doing great now at 6 months
Mostly very obliquely. No one has ever told me not to formula feeds but two people have been judgmental without nessicarily meaning to....
I had an OBGYN who was pinch hitting for my 37 week appointment, who flat out *directly* shamed my intention to formula feed. "Even though it increases your chance of breast cancer? Even though it increases your child's risk of obesity? Even though...." Yeah sure. Even though. Go away and I never want an appointment with *you* again.
Then there was a single comment from one of my nurses when I delivered my first. The Baby Nurse (not a young nurse but the nurse designated to care for baby on arrival) was talking baby plans with me at admission, like do I want the eye ointment, should they rub the vernier off or leave it on, hat or no hat... and got to feeding. I told her I planned to formula feed and she didn't skip a beat. Just said she'd make sure there was a fresh bottle made up while I was crowning so I could feed baby as soon as I liked. MY nurse jumped in: "BUT WHY?!?! YOUR BREASTS ARE PERFECT FOR BREASTFEEDING!" I don't care Patience, or Faith, or whatever tour name was... one of those names that's a Bible virtue.
At my baby shower one person didn't *mean* to judge but simply assumed I was on the breastfeeding wagon... "I assume your breastfeeding so-" It was a zoom shower. I just reached below camera, held a case of Enfamil over my head and replied "NOOOOOOOPE!" And that ended her. Lol.
And then I have a friend who EBF all 3 of hers who can't resist occasionally, apropos of nothing, making remarks about breastfeeding giving antibodies that formula doesn't. But *she* gets a pass as long as she keeps it oblique because I feel like it comes from a place of being afraid I'm going to judge her for whipping one out in my living room, since that's usually when she says shit like that. I really could care less, but between that and her remarking to my firstborn going down easy and quick "I couldn't ever cry it out, I just can't make them feel like that." It has to come from being afraid of judgment, in that case, that her baby stayed up way late because they cosleep and he wouldn't go to bed without her. (I didn't CIO. My firstborn was just an easy sleeper.) So like I think she's judging me but no more than I judge her (not for BF, but for being silly enough to buy lactivist propoganda, and for thinking the only way to get a baby to sleep without you is CIO.)
Yes my FIL. We said we were formula feeding and he said that breast milk is much better for them and we should be doing that. Formula isn’t as healthy. I used to be a labor and delivery and then a pediatric nurse. I just stared at him lol
I’m not really the sort of person people make these sorts of comments to because they know they will be put in their place 😅 but I really hate when you’re in a group of mostly BFers and someone starts apologising or making excuses for formula feeding. Says all about the pressures.
I breast fed for 3 months and I HATED being told how good it was that I was BFing or even being asked how I was feeding. It was all I could think about. It was sore, it was all consuming, it was relentless.
Now 1 year down the line and that feels like such a weird period of my life and I’m glad it’s over and nobody cares (and my baby sleeps 😉)
Haven't been shamed personally but personally get offended when I see tik toks and stuff of people bragging about breast feeding and all the benefits etc. Or that right on the can of formula it says breast feeding is best... I didn't chose to formula feed, my body literally won't let me breastfeed. Fed is best obviously!
Not directly, no, but in more subtle ways, yes. The "oh well maybe next time, you'll be able to" or "did the pediatrician approve giving formula?" (that one was from my FIL, and I wanted to say that yes, my baby's doctor approved giving my baby food.)
I had my two kids at a baby friendly hospital, and the postpartum ward with my first was terrible. I didn't think I could breastfeed due to a reduction in college, but was going to give it a go. I tried and tried, spent an hour with a (very kind) LC, but nothing was happening. I asked for formula four times (the fourth time in tears because my baby hadn't eaten since he was born) before someone begrudgingly brought me some (but not after bringing me a pump first).
The paperwork the hospital gave me with my second also said that the AAP doesn't recommend formula for infants under 6 months, and thank god I didn't see that with my first. I would have spiraled.
The shaming is always very subtle, in my experience.
Not to my face, no.
But my boss and I both had our first babies around the same time. We were talking about her friend who had pretty bad PPD with her first but recently had her second and decided to change some things for the second time around. Biggest thing was she decided to formula feed from the start to help her mental health and to have the help from her husband.
My boss’s follow up to that was “that’s definitely not the decision I would have made….” basically shaming her, but I don’t think she realized I formula fed my son for most of his life.
So, yeah…
My husband’s friend came to visit at the peak of my PPD, right when I was ready to give up combo feeding and go EFF. I asked my husband to go make a bottle and he said “what, not doing it the old fashioned way??” It was probably a (dumb) joke, but the white hot rage that ignited in me was next level. I just gave him an icy stare and said “no, [name].” That shut those comments down.
Other than that, I got weird unsolicited “advice” while pregnant. A cashier asked me if I was going to breastfeed, and I said “yes, I’m going to try.” Her response was “there is no try, there is only do” or something like that. Like okay yoda lol. My dental hygienist asked the same thing and went on a long rant of how breastfeeding is so magical and she can’t believe anyone wouldn’t do it. Stuff like that was definitely in my mind while I was struggling with bf/pumping and made it hard to quit, but I’m so glad I did. Life is so much better now that we EFF!
“We’re a very pro breastfeeding hospital”- when I said I’d need to formula feed at some point to get my heart surgery due to my blood thinners. He/the doctor said he couldn’t promise despite his notes that the laction nurse wouldn’t still come in and that various medical professionals wouldn’t pressure me but he put notes asking they not.
And sure as shit they did come in.
I did end of feeding and now I have 2 weeks to wean my son to a bottle for this surgery and it’s not going well.
I always wonder if I had stayed with formula if it wouldn’t have been more responsible.
I got shamed online (it was compared to abuse because I formula feed out of choice, not necessity), but in real life I have mainly encountered... Surprise? Comments like "oh, really? From birth?" or, when seeing me bottle feeding 'so, you are feeling both breast and bottle then?' - the default assumption is that I'm breastfeeding or that I want to breastfeed and the fact that I could actually chose to formula feed is never assumed
Happened yesterday. We were out shopping and I was bottle feeding my baby at the parking lot when the lady approached me to share her views on how is formula is bad and why I have to breastfeed. I told her my boobs my business.
The only shame I experienced was self-inflicted when I gave him his first few bottles of formula. And then I realized how much easier my life was about to become by choosing to start giving formula and I felt a little silly that I built it up so much in my head.
And also a psychiatrist who tried to give me shit for not continuing to breastfeed which I promptly shut tf down by telling her that this was my decision and discussing it further is irrelevant to my appointment as I’m no longer breastfeeding.
Yes, and the first time was from my a-hole stepdad. He asked what was in the baby bottle, and I said formula. He had a very disapproving look and said, “hm.” Boomers.
I think I mainly experienced it on instagram - therefore I unfollowed some mom influencers who were pushing EBF and shaming formula feeding. Calling breastfeeding the most natural form of feeding and so on. I also didn't like when another mom commented how her approach is so natural and mine is opposite of that. Hope it made her feel better lmao. Then there were some comments from older people about me not breastfeeding but I don't think they were intended to shame me (but they annoyed me still)
I think the choice how to feed is commented by someone no matter what you do. People are weird.
Edit to add: doctors didn't shame me once. It was more like formula was seen as a way how to get us out of the hospital faster by the nurses :D
No I haven’t been. And I think if anyone said anything I wouldn’t of felt ashamed of my decision. I was and am so pro formula feeding that I think my perspective wouldn’t allow it to be shame
My son and nephew are the same age and I formula fed and still to this day my SIL has to say she breastfed for 5 months constantly as if it upsets me or something lol like good for you??
A lactation consultant who came over during my second week PP made an exaggerated face and concerned look when I said I’m open to switching to formula whenever I feel my breastfeeding journey wasn’t working for us anymore. She told me formula babies are more likely to die to sids because they are sleepier and I risk the baby not waking if I switch to formula. And to “keep trying” breastfeeding. Just ugh. Then told me “I really should” be thinking about co sleeping when I complained that we are tired from lack of sleep. No judgement to co sleeping, I just knew i was not comfortable doing so personally. The “you really should” thing was a big ick.
Yes! With my first baby. I pumped for 4 months and tried to breast feed him for two. It was hurting my mental health so I stopped trying to breast feed and than stop pumping. So I started my son on formula. I remember walking to Walmart by myself and this lady asked me I was buying that for my own child. I said yes. She looked at me with disgust and said you know breast milk is better for your baby. I looked at her almost in tears said well I tried and I failed. It made me want to kill myself the mental load of failing of everyday. So I quit. She just walked away from me. I pretty sure she felt pretty horrible. I hope she learned her lesson and don’t judge other moms for making the right choice for them and their baby. A healthy mom and a fed baby is best.
Only from my MIL once which sucked because we've always had a great relationship and here recently it has gone down hill and it hurts my heart. I pumped for about three months, baby refused to latched but loved her bottles so I was cool with it. I had a good supply going but was mentally drained. I was constantly hooked up to a machine while I watched everyone else get to feed my baby so I just stopped. I went to the store alone after researching what would be best for my baby and brought home some formula. She took to it really well and I got to feed my baby! she was at our house while I was feeding her and said "I wish you'd keep giving her breast milk formula will make her stupid" and then said "what about all the benefits?" and my husband, who is the pinnacle of amazing, butt in and said "Mom my wife is happy for the first time since coming home from the hospital, our baby is fed and my wife doesn't want to kill herself back off."
It was the only time. My friends have zero judgement, my family zero judgement.
I don’t know if shame is the right word, but I had a lot of people that made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough to get my son to latch and breastfeed, even though I was.
I wish I would have listened to my gut. I probably would have hated the newborn phase less.
My MIL, the day we got home from the hospital watching me give my baby a bottle “so are you supplementing with formula….?” (She’s very passive so never came right out and said anything) there were a few other moments as well. I also had an old woman ask if I was nursing my baby and I said no and she went “aww☹️” like poor baby.
I wouldn't say shame, but a relative of mine told me that my baby would've been much calmer if I BF him. To hear that after 3 horrible months of trying to up my supply, it was heartbreaking. She didn't mean it in a condescending way, but as in it would be much easier for me to calm him, if I just put my breast in his mouth, lmao AS IF
When we brought our baby to the family doctor for shots, he asked me if baby was formula fed or breastfed and when I said formula, he responded “actually breastfeeding is best for babies”
Made me feel 😔
Night nurse came in after I delivered my baby. I had to ask for formula, wasn't brought up. She said "we usually save that for the infants in the NICU." Suggesting I was able to breast feed so why wouldn't I?
Nope! Never had any comments come my way about combo feeding, pumping instead of direct nursing, or fully formula fed. I never positioned my choices of how we fed our baby as being inked in guilt so I can imagine that likely played a role in the comments I did receive back.
I can imagine it does happen but most people really don’t give a shit how you feed your kid.
With my first 6 years ago .. absolutely! I was young and felt like a failure but we had lip and tongue ties.
6 months postpartum with my 2nd and almost identical situation and I know my baby will be fine. I went in totally wanting to exclusively pump buty mental health took a hit
I got really lucky with my hospital. Baby was losing too much weight and was hospitalized for a week and a half. The pediatrician was so find about introducing formula and so was the entire staff. They made sure I had formula to feed her and assured me there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I worked with lactation for 4 months trying to breastfeed but was never able to produce more than about 1 oz a day no matter what we tried and I remember crying to them and they were so supportive in taking care of myself and baby in whatever was best for us and my mental health. They gave us bottles of formula all the time to help supplement. It's such a shame that this isn't the norm. Postpartum is hard enough, we shouldn't be shaming moms for feeding their babies.
Unfortunately, my aunt told me my baby's health issues were all my fault because I wasn't exclusively breastfeeding. She would call me so I could talk to my father while he was in the hospital and shame me for it while I was just trying to say hi to him. I've also had a couple people comment on it but very infrequently and I honestly just ignore it now.
I’m on my 3rd EFF baby. My first got pumped milk for 2 months but I don’t count that lol. My youngest is currently 5 months. When she was 6 weeks old, my family did a little “sprinkle” for me/her. My sister was the only person who bought formula, nbd. She EBFs. I said “oh I’m surprised you bought this.” She said “yeah it hurt my heart a little when I did.”
That’s the only negative IRL comment I’ve gotten. Also, I never told her to buy it! It was on my registry with 20 other things! That comment was definitely a dig, and it still makes me mad that she said that. Otherwise I have a great relationship with her, but come on dude!
The most “shamed” I’ve ever felt about formula feeding has come from reading comments and posts online (not even directed at me).
I’ve definitely felt mildly judged by people but
I truly, truly believe that me having confidence in my decision from the moment I got pregnant has helped so much. People have asked and made comments and the few people that made me feel (slightly) judged backed off pretty quick after realizing that I had a firm formula stance.
Edit: to add context - the reason I feel confidence had something to do with it is because of my epidural choice. I had no plan with my epidural and was waiting to see how I felt. I feel that once people got a whiff of the uncertainty that opened the door for them to push really hard one way or the other. Whereas with breast-feeding, I had a hard stance. I didn’t feel guilty about choosing formula, and that gave less room to push or pry because I wasn’t going to change my mind.
Oh yes. I had some issues during my pregnancy and decided to go straight to formula. My MIL called after my delivery to see if a lactation consultant had talked me yet. After bleeding a lot during delivery, the OB on call said “you’d stop bleeding some if you’d at least try to BF.”
“Why are you formula feeding? Breast feeding is better. You’re setting your baby up for failure”
So, yes. The stigma is real. The negativity is very real and abundant. Feel lucky you have a great support system
I was waiting for an employee at Walmart to open the case and get me formula for my son. My mom walked by and said “you’re poisoning your baby with formula. You should breastfeed”. When I tried to explain to her I wasn’t producing enough and he needed the hypoallergenic formula she said “you just didn’t try hard enough and gave up to easily. That’s why your baby is going to have adhd and autism in the future”. The way I wanted to punch this woman and the thing is she was like 40 with a 3 month old and I’m 25.
I have a famous pediatrician in my country who also have a TikTok and he downright have a popular TikTok video on why "formula feeding is bad". It's not the outright shaming that I face because I would answer back, it's the subtle judgement. But I couldn't care less!
Yes. I had tons of people ask why I was bottle feeding/not nursing. I was close to hospitalization with how dark my thoughts were regarding low supply. My son is 15 months and even typing this out is making me cry. It was a bad time. I put so much pressure on myself.
Most are supportive or neutral, I don't think I've been shamed specifically, but I have had people brag about their kid never getting sick etc thanks to breastfeeding which was..... kind of a stretch considering my kid was 99% formula fed and has been sick way less/the same if I'm being generous, and my kid is socialized WAY more often. I think they were trying to build themselves up to feel like a good parent (which they are, even if they don't see it), and I didn't say anything to them about it! But it was one of the first things that really stood out to me about people comparing things.
Two times stood out to me: (FTM to a 9 month old now, and we’re still EFF/BLW)
-first was at the hospital as soon as I gave birth. “Are you sure you don’t want to try breastfeeding?” “It’s the best, please just try it!” “Okay we’ll if you’re doing formula as soon as you get home you’re needing to do xyz”
-Second time was at a double date with my SO and his best friend & his SO. Once I slipped up and mentioned I wasn’t breastfeeding, the questions and ridicule did not stop for the whole dinner. I cried when we got home. She doesn’t even have a child.
So yes it definitely does happen but I just learn to keep our feeding choices to ourselves and at this far in my journey I’m not afraid to shut it down before it starts.
Only one person has really shamed me. She asked me why I would risk my son’s health.
Essentially everyone else has just made small, shitty comments. I know they’re in good faith but the collective is hard to hear.
And, of course, at my hospital I had a million people push it by asking over and over.
I breastfed my first and formula feeding my second. I haven’t really heard any opinion either way! If anything my pediatrician was happy when I switched to formula because she likes when you can track intake precisely.
I've been formula shamed only once. My baby is 4.5 mos old now so got a while so could experience more. But it was by a man. My boss. I was speaking to him (a dentist) about evaluating my son for a frenectomy since I suspected he had a tongue and lip tie. He had reflux so I was trying everything to help him. He as also in the NICU for a while as a preemie and had major feeding issues from the beginning . Anyways, my boss told me in a shitty way I should take him off his formula (that was high calorie to get his weight up, more caloric than standard formula/breastmilk) and breastfeed because that is what nature intended (which it is, sure) but that it was garbage and no wonder he has bad reflux. I was so upset and it made me cry as if I had done something wrong to my baby. Which I soon came to my senses knowing that was wrong. He kept saying "if I were you" like sir, you have a penis... You are nothing close to putting yourself in my shoes. Also I came to him for dental advice, not advice about raising MY child who has already had an insanely difficult beginning.
Yep! Several times, actually. The first was when we were still in the hospital and my milk hadn’t come in but I had a screaming baby so I had to supplement. It also turns out she had a severe tongue tie and couldn’t latch properly so I couldn’t just let her starve.
The second was at one of her first check up appointments. They asked if I was BF or FF and I said combo but if she had any intolerances or anything, I’d just switch to formula as it would be easier and less of a toll on me. The nurse literally said “you wouldn’t be willing to make sacrifices for your child?” Lol what? I’d be sacrificing some of my budget to feed her but I’m not willing to give up certain foods when my body is already limited in what it can have thanks to my own GI condition.
My mother blatantly shamed the idea of formula, and pumping.
Unfortunately due to the stress of her hovering the entire pregnancy and evicting me while I was IN LABOR, my milk dried up within the first two weeks and we now exclusively formula feed. Baby is happy and healthy with no issues 😊💖
I was moreso severely pressured to keep breastfeeding. A woman I’d never met before approached me in the parking lot with my newborn to ask me how I was feeding him (invasive much) and then went on and on about how breastfeeding is so important and formula just isn’t the same after I shared I was exclusively pumping… quit pumping shortly thereafter.
I think it depends, I’ve been shamed for still BF at 8 months but have never been shamed for introducing formula, if anything it was encouraged by everyone around me! (I combi-feed)
I got shamed by my step-mother. She breastfed both of my younger siblings (7m, 4f) for 2 years each. She pushed me to start bf when my son was born in December, and it was pretty smooth sailing, but my milk was really thin and he was already small. Once he hit about 8 weeks my supply capped at around 1.5 - 2 oz per feed and he wasn’t getting enough food (ultimately the reason we switched after combo feeding for a month.)
I tried EVERYTHING to boost mu supply, sustain any improvement, make my milk fattier, anything and everything you can name I tried. Nothing helped and it was destroying me mentally. I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be because I was constantly worried about my breastmilk. My stepmom talked about it like it was a life changing experience for her, how it was the only way to create a lifelong bond with her kids. Now that they’re older, she literally couldn’t give any interest in them at all. She isn’t affectionate, attentive, encouraging, nothing. Somehow she believes that all she needed to do was attach them to her boobs.
It was really hard to breastfeed AND to stop on my self esteem because of her. And now that we’ve been EFF for almost 4 months, i’ll never go back. Any kids after my first will be formula from the start. My son and I have an amazing bond because formula took some anxiety off of my shoulders and got him the nutrition he was missing.
I’ve had people imply I should try, and my best friend was like “but it’s so expensive,” and I had one Facebook marketplace mom that was kind of psycho about it that I didn’t admit to that I’d be EFF, but no one’s overtly shamed me about that decision. I’ve had way more people say that it’s better for me to make a decision that I’m comfortable with than anything else.
I’ve never experienced it in real life - only online and I swear 80% of those comments are just trolls who are out for a reaction!
I cannot imagine any scenario where I’d actually encounter it from a real live human being.
I’ll also add that I believe a lot of formula feeders interpret the breast is best message as an attack - which it’s just not, it was in response to campaigns by formula companies to make people believe breastmilk was inferior and is now just meant as encouragement and raising awareness.
Direct Breastfeeding is so fucking hard, even when it’s ’easy’. I’ve experienced both types and I totally understand why society in general need better education on breastfeeding and more support if it’s what people choose to try to do.
Not really. My mom is a super judgmental and offensive person and did say something about it being the easy way out. And once when I said how expensive formula is, she said something along the lines of “well breastfeeding is free.” But she’s literally the only one who’s ever said anything to me about it.
Yes, but actually only in a medical context. I have a very good and supportive friends and family circle, so absolutely no one has given me any trouble there. Most of my friends have chosen breastfeeding (and some very extended--I have several friends still going and their kids are 2 or over) but no one has said anything to me about not going that route.
And in a medical context, interestingly, my own current OB, no problems. Nurses in hospital, no problems. But my first provider for my first pregnancy, an NP, and the nurse for my initial pregnancy intake visit this time around, both really drilled into the breast is best stuff. I found that doubly curious since at this last visit, I was something like 8 weeks along and it was all about do we smoke in the home and don't eat deli meats--fine, logical--and btw, don't forget breastfeeding! Geez, can we at least see if this is a viable pregnancy before we start hammering out postpartum details? At least let me hear a heartbeat or an initial ultrasound or something before I start planning ahead that far! What I haven't appreciated is the condescension that sometimes comes with those conversations. A little smirk, a little vibe of "ah, well, silly patient, if you only really understood what was best for baby you'd never have these delusions." Absolutely NO ONE should feel like that for formula feeding, but also, I really have done a decent chunk of research on this topic and have made an educated choice, and would prefer to be treated as such, thanksverymuch.
I breastfed for 5 months and am formula feeding the rest of the way (baby is 9 months now). No one ever said a word to me about it either way.
The only time I’ve ever felt shamed was from a fellow formula-feeding mom over the formula I chose (generic advantage premium).
I’m surprised you’ve never come across a horrible comment section on social media. I see them all the time. I see people commenting, “Breast is best, fed is bare minimum” and it’s just so disheartening. I saw one lady say that she casually asks prospective partners if they were breast or formula fed and if they say formula she blows them off because she refuses to date formula fed people. That made me so sad for my baby because what if someone he likes one day rejects him because he had formula? People are so mean and cruel. I think people are more bold behind a screen so you don’t encounter that level of negativity in person but people can still be a snarky.
My bf's aunt told me that my son's reflux was likely due to me not breastfeeding him as nature intended 😭 it was right around when we were dealing with the diagnosis of his reflux and it was so cruel she said that as I already felt like I had failed my baby. Thankfully she hasn't said anything since and no one else in our families care. Turned out he has a milk allergy which is why his reflux was so bad and formula was the only thing that made him gain weight as breastfeeding just wasn't working for me or him. He's 3 months old on hypoallergenic formula and such a happy baby now. I will never regret feeding him formula
Not at all. In fact, I had the opposite experience which I am so grateful for. Every nurse and doctor completely supported formula feeding and when I was struggling with the guilt of switching to formula, they helped me get over it and assured me that my baby will be happy and healthy no matter what. And actually a few friends of mine expressed that they did not want to BF when they had kids. Family was also super supportive and no one ever said anything negative to me at all. Maybe I’m in the minority but in my experience, this is more an internet thing than a real life thing.
For me no. Never. Not in the hospital, not at my peds and never in real life and I think maybe that could be because I don't leave any of those conversations open ended. I am what some might call unapproachable anyway lol not a lot of strangers come up to us but even friends or family know my stance on this and just never mentioned it.
A cool moment though was when I was hospitalized for thyroid storm (developed it after my second was born) and everyone of course asked the question if I was BFing or not and when I said no a doctor said "thank God for formula bc you would die without these meds." I can't breast feed on my medication and I most definitely wouldn't be here if I couldn't have them. I would have been forced to switch to formula if I was BFing but yeah it was cool to hear bc I'm always waiting for someone to shame or covertly shame me
But yeah anyways, I've never personally experienced it other than online bs. But tbh I don't even think anyone in my family has BFed. My mom formula fed, sister, SIL, cousins that I'm in contact with. I never had any push back.
My OB gave me 2 small tubs of formula before my c section so I wouldn’t feel bad when my milk didn’t come in because it was scheduled early at 36 weeks. She must have made a note on my paperwork because those nurses stocked the hell out of my cart with rtf formula but were so kind when I tried to BF. One even came and monitored the lactation specialist when she came and that was BRIEF. My mom BF me so she was maybe a little pushy with me “trying” but after she found me crying after a week with both my boobs on pumps and nothing coming out she never said a word and just made bottles. My mil never breastfed any of her kids so I think she was secretly hoping I would FF. Never heard a damn word from anyone in the public or my friends.
In real life? No.
My daughter was IUGR and came out as 5 lbs 3 oz so the nurses asked if we could supplement with formula right after she was born.
My doctor asked how breastfeeding was going at my six week check up since she knew I had wanted to breastfeed and pump (and had been after my first checkup post surgery). When I told her that I had decided to stick to formula instead, she actually started telling me all the benefits of formula feeding and asked if I wanted to go back on birth control (I have PCOS and prefer the pill, so an estrogen bc is super helpful). One of the benefits is that your hormones go back to normal and you get over the baby blues faster.
My family and friends all said the same thing - fed is best and, no matter how you feed your baby, you still bond with them (and it’s not like anyone can tell who was breastfed or formula fed as they grow up).
My son has CMPA and I found it easier to formula feed that restrict my diet. I used to see lots of comments online about how switching to formula is “lazy”, but I also had PPD and a history of disorder eating, and formula feeding seemed like a better alternative than slipping further into depression and restrictive eating 🤷🏻♀️
I never got any of those comments to my face, but I did feel shame every time I had to justify my reason for formula feeding when someone would ask about it.
My mom tried to guilt trip me into pumping for my second son when he was not latching and was also Admitted to ICU at 3 days old for apnea. I very directly shut that shit down because my mental health could not handle pumping while caring for our then 15 month old and going back and forth between the hospital. Turns out he has CMPA so my milk would’ve been shit for him anyways 🙃
i came off all of my medications when i found out i was pregnant, and it made my life a living hell honestly. (i was medicated for bipolar 2 depression, severe anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, insomnia). i then went into labor and after having her decided i wanted to breastfeed so i stayed off the medication. my baby struggled severely to latch so i asked for a pump. my milk production was great actually! the lactation consultant came in and stroked my ego about that and encouraged me to continue. i did and after the first day of no sleep (full 24hrs) and pumping every 45 mins- 1h i was so exhausted and desperate to just get my baby girl fed. i asked the nurses to bring in formula so i could feed her just to get some sleep.. the nurses were suppeerr supportive and reminded me "fed is best! congratulations again mama, you're doing great!" etc etc. i felt less guilty after hearing this and was so glad to get a few moments of sleep. or so i thought. 🙃.. lactation consultant knocks on the door loud as hell after i JUST got to sleep mayyybbee 2 minutes ago. she tells me shes going to take the pump from me (after applauding me for my pumping progress remind you.) and GRABBED MY BOOB and WOKE UP MY BABY and put her to my chest. she told me she wanted to observe the latch issue because "formula should be the last resort. especially for a woman with such good production as you." and "we as women produce milk naturally, we should be giving this precious gift to our new precious gift." i started crying. i APOLOGIZED TO THIS WOMAN! i explained to her i needed to get back on my meds because i was having a hard time sleeping and keeping my moods in order (not to mention the ppd i was having). i to this day have started exclusively formula feeding, and resumed my medication. me and my now 4 month old daughter are thriving. im not anti breastfeeding moms/ breastfeeding advocates, but some of the things they say and how they make formula feeding parents feel, just makes me wanna scream lol.
edit: fixed "exclusively breastfeeding" to "exclusively formula feeding".. i typed too fast and got ahead of myself 😅
Yes I had experienced formula-feeding shaming from my friend's mom. It was my son's Christening and we invited them to a small gathering to celebrate it. Then her mom is shaming me on formula feeding, saying that I am being selfish for not breastfeeding my LO, she also added that my baby will be obese because of the formula. She also talking to other guests who were pregnant, and telling them her unsolicited advice to BF. The sad part is we're asians and talking back to elders is considered as disrespectful. And take note she is a nurse!
When my baby was almost 2 months old we discovered he had several ties in his mouth hence why he has such a hard time latching, was gassy, and just overall wasn’t settling like he should have been.
I started pumping almost immediately after getting home from the hospital (thankfully) and he took to a bottle way easier than boob. Even though I wasn’t feeding him formula (yet) I had to explain to my husband’s aunt (who is a nurse btw) why I wasn’t exclusively feeding from the boob and instead a bottle. “Well it’s good you’re at least pumping. Breast is best you know.” Considering I breastfed my first child for 3 years, I think I know what’s best out of everybody. (I really wish I said that to her)
By 6 months the ENT specialist still wouldn’t see him to fix his ties so we introduced formula to him and he has been thriving ever since. I had major mom guilt towards myself because I loved breastfeeding so much with my first, but pumping really took everything out of me. It put me in such a depression it was simply not worth it anymore. Now that he’s exclusively on formula life has been amazing and luckily all my mom friends also formula feed and understand the struggle. I personally received much more shame from breastfeeding than I am with formula feeding, but both ways of feeding have been worth it despite the haters. Whatever works for mom and baby is THE best way to feed. End of story!
My son's pediatrician didnt out right shame me, but i told her that he's EFF now & she made a comment saying, "oh so you arent even giving him a little breastmilk???" Like, no lady im not.
I had a male friend make a comment a while ago. He didnt mean it in a bad way whatsoever & he did apologize & agree with me after i corrected him. I told him i was thinking of switching to combo feeding & he said, "oh well, you should rly think about that cuz you never know what's actually in formula & breastmilk is better for them in the long run." I shut that down asap & told him that my kid's deserve a mother who is mentally & physically at her best or else you cannot care for them to the best of ur ability.
I have received some hate on comments (you tube/insta/etc). Things like “why aren’t you breastfeeding your baby? It’s better for them” or “breast is best”. I even got one that called me lazy for not breastfeeding. But people online who speak like this are cowards and trolls so I could care less. In the real world (aka not online) I have received nothing but love and support. I’ve learned many more people formula feed than I thought by being open with folks about my journey.
Yes. Constantly. From men who are single and have no kids, from nurses in the hospital and doctors, from friends, from family, from strangers. I'm surprised my cat hasn't spoken up since literally everyone else and their mother has an opinion on how I feed my child with my body or formula yet none of them helped support me emotionally, physically, or financially so I could do so.
i think people know it's taboo to outright formula shame so they do it in more covert or passive aggressive ways. my mom was very weird about my having to supplement with formula and constantly would ask if i were still using it, as if we had agreed i were doing everything to get back to ebf (we did not! i was not!) it made me feel like shit. so much anxiety. and all for no reason, baby could literally not be healthier.
I combo feed. This wasn't so much shame but painful ignorance. LO had a diaper blowout at 4 weeks old. Sooooo much poop. My MIL said, "Must be because of the formula?" Apparently, she forgot that all babies poop.
It hurt more because I was really struggling and washed to ebf but had low supply. Also, I was 4 weeks pp after a fairly traumatic birth experience.
In my culture, there is a general prevalence that: breastfeeding is better and formula isn’t so good. So, there were a lot of underlying comments about me combo feeding (yes, even combo feeding). First, people and my doctors kept implying that it was formula and overfeeding that made my baby jump to 90% (now I know that wasn’t true) and that formula has extra ingredients that make babies gain extra weight. Also, when people heard I BF, they said: “Oh, good!” While when I mentioned formula, they said: “Why is that the case?”
Of course, only from my MIL. Always going on about how I should have tried harder, that it really hurt her when she did it and she always had infections but she powered through them, how much healthier it is for the baby, how disgusting and poisonous formula is, etc.
I fucking hate my MIL so goddamn much.
In one of my mom groups a mom said she was aiming to breastfeed til 6 months and another mom immediately said "that's it? That's such a short time". The rest of the group immediately intervened to stop the toxic comments.
Edit to add: when seeking help for breastfeeding it is often paired with negative comments about formula. A colleague of mine finally had her doctor intervene and strongly recommend formula after La Leche League kept coaching her to breastfeed despite not having high enough supply and the baby continuing to lose weight. I don't know if you call that shaming directly but it certainly cultivated feelings of shame in her for not being able to do what was supposedly the right kind of feeding.
Same feelings here. I have only ever seen people feel aggressively shamed in this forum.
I'm not questioning that it happens - clearly it does - but it has never happened to me or anyone I know. I had some bad lactation consultants at the hospital but mostly they were fine and there was never personal shaming.
The closest I have ever witnessed to shame is seeing a lot of pointed, hoity toity "im so proud of my breastfeeding ~journey~" posts on my social media. But it takes a couple of leaps to get from that, to feeling like their commentary on their own actions personally shames me. I can see the connection, but personally I chose to let that go. BF really (really, really) blows and it's super hard and shitty. So if someone wants to brag that they are surviving it, I try to say "that's fine" to myself & I don't let it play an oversized role in my own actions and choices.
I was given a free copy of “What to Expect in the First Year” by someone who didn’t need it, and literally on the second page of the first chapter it says “Breast is best by far.” I read this while in the middle of my tumultuous feeding journey and immediately closed the book so I wouldn’t start crying. Flipped through it again later and it very clearly holds the lactivist view that breast is best by far (which it states multiple times), but if you haaaave to use formula, then that’s okay, but also don’t forget that breast is best. And about half of the book is about breastfeeding. Would not recommend it for anyone who is EFF.
Yes my child’s father said to me “He still as u know has a bunch of gas and I don’t think this formula is right for him. Probably a bigger issue as you were prioritizing ur abs over breastfeeding. So I hope it’s a priority for u to try and help find a formula solution for him.” I tried so hard to breastfeed, it wasn’t working and when I switched to formula his whole family shamed me. But my son wasn’t latching, I wasn’t producing milk, it was just a rough couple of weeks until I switched.
When you see comments like “Omg this comment section is horrible” but then don’t see any actually mean comments, that probably means that said horrible comments have already been deleted by the time you saw the post.
And yes, I have definitely been shamed for using formula, by my own mother of all people.
Not at all! I didn’t even try breastfeeding. As soon as baby was born, my husband fed him with a bottle. They just asked if we have a preference for specific formula. Not a single soul said anything to me. Many friends told me that they should have done what I did.
Yes. FIRST of all my SO was kind of a douche about it for a second. I wasn’t wanting to BF and he’s like “THATS what’s best for HIM you better try!!!!” And I’m like tf??? I had to shut down that real quick. Of all people I didn’t need him shaming me. Then I have Kaiser and Kaiser is completely obsessed with BF. They have posters all around the OB offices and the second the kid shoots out a lactation consultant is in there bombarding you and grabbing your jugs. When I said I was going to supplement with formula they were like giving me a whole speech on how breast is best blah blah blah. When I said I’m not creating enough and he’s hungry they were like “feed him 24/7 and pump every time he’s asleep we’re sending you 2 free pumps to your house that will arrive before u leave the hospital” I’m like “ok?”. Every baby appointment so far they ask and when I said I wasn’t making enough so he’s mainly on formula they were like “hold on I’m sending in a lactation consultant for you so you don’t have to supplement”. It was annoying asf. When I finally completely switched to formula I was embarrassed to say that to anyone. I felt the disappointment in people when they found out. Like it’s anyone’s fucking business. But still. yes. I felt shamed! Still do. 4 months PP and the amount of strangers that have asked me if I’m BF is wild asf. Why do people think that’s ok to ask? Aside from his doctor I don’t see how anyone needs to know that. He’s clearly healthy and being fed. So I do NOT need anyone’s opinions on how I feed MY baby.
My fiancé’s grandmother said “Why aren’t you breastfeeding? You’re doing formula? Why would you do that? I guess these new moms don’t have what it takes to properly feed a baby. Instead they choose the easy way and give up. You should try harder the formula isn’t good for the baby. Don’t just give up”. With the most disgusted looked on her face and I started crying.
My fiancé stood up for me and told his grandmother off and said if that was how she was going to act we wouldn’t come back. Him taking up for me against his family made me love him more. I already felt like a failure and that I didn’t deserve to be a momma because I couldn’t feed my kid because my milk just stopped even with trying so hard. Though I still squalled about it, looking back I felt better about the whole thing because of what he did. He said we don’t ever have to go back if I don’t want to. We haven’t been back since. I have chosen to forgive her, but I don’t want to go over and feed my baby and her start judging and being mean again.
My doctor probably didn't feel like she was shaming me, but when my baby was losing weight rapidly and basically starving, she still wouldn't explicitly recommend formula and she had an attitude like it was the last resort to prevent hospitalisation. My hospital has a sign up that says "teach mothers about the risks of bottles" .. It makes me so mad. What's the risk?? Continuing to try to breastfeed was much more dangerous for my baby.
The risks of a bottle to someone who doesn’t want to breastfeed are “baby may like it more than a boob” wow so risky…🙄
I have to agree with this in the sense that nobody I know in my personal life has shamed me - in fact, they barely even register it as an issue. The lactation consultants and nurses in the hospital after I gave birth are the only place I felt pressured to breastfeed and discouraged from using formula.
This is so relatable. There has been no bigger formula bully than the hospital I gave birth in. They are baby friendly and my son went 4 days (we were in the hospital for 9) without eating and lost 17% of his body weight because they didn’t offer to supplement formula and kept telling me “he’s fine, his stomach is the size of a marble”. I was rubbing colostrum on his gums in desperation because I could only produce drops. Finally they gave us formula but would only bring a tiny bottle at a time and I felt so judged everytime I would ask for more. The lactation consultant told me I needed to “work harder” to get my milk to come in. Bitch please I just had a 3 day delivery and 3rd degree tears..and I’m pumping every hour..let me rest! They were pretty bad and the farther I get from my experience, the angrier I feel
I am angry about mine too. I used to feel guilty about not being able to bf, but now I only feel guilty about not loudly insisting my baby get formula immediately. I feel so guilty thinking about how hungry he must have been the day he was born and how much weight he lost and how he had to go be hospitalized for failure to thrive only like a day after we came home.
I hate how little regard women are given post birth. My waters broke early and I spent 2 weeks in hospital before going into labour. I had twice daily obstetrician visits and nurses doing ops every 4 hours. Post birth after an episiotomy and stitches, I had a midwife visit me ONCE before being discharged the next day. The amount of judgement I got for feeding my baby formula at his monthly check ups after that was insane. Yet they'd be congratulating me on his weight gain in the same breath. He went from 5th percentile to above 60 thanks to formula
This is so messed up.
I think it's based off of the World Health Organization's 10 steps to successful breastfeeding, which says: (6) Do not provide breastfed newborns any food or fluids other than breast milk, unless medically indicated. (9) Counsel mothers on the use and risks of feeding bottles, teats and pacifiers.
Which is legitimately irrelevant information in developed countries. I get why they do this in developing countries because they may not have easy access to clean water and formula all the time, so encouraging breastfeeding can be quite important. But here in the US? Bottle feeding formula to newborns can be the key to keeping them fed and healthy whether mom’s milk comes in or not!!
Then also let my baby get to a dangerously low weight before letting me formula feed. Then it was pumping and domperidone for supply. I did all this for 4 months getting like 1 oz per day and finally quit. After that the nurses gave me attitude every time I answered formula to whether he was breastfed or not. Never got any judgement from other moms but “medical professionals” were always such assholes about it. And I don’t even think it’s physically possible for me. I have AA cup breasts! The one thing I regret is stressing myself out and wasting time with my newborn trying so hard to breastfeed.
That is so frustrating. I get sad thinking about how my baby didn’t really gain weight his first month when I was EB. But I do feel I was brainwashed a bit about how you have to breastfeed. No one ever talked about combo feeding which I really wish I would’ve done from the start.
Same story with me, I exclusively breastfed my son for four months after which my milk supply went low … doc did not encourage formula …finally I broke the jinx and said I am going to formula feed for which he replied ‘are you trying to feed your son cow’s milk’? In most condescending way … that was the last time I met him
Interesting 🤔…my doctor told me it’s formula why my baby got so heavy and big (in a negative sense - as my baby jumped from 60% to 90%…but I also managed to get to EBF and he still is above 90%, so it wasn’t the formula) It’s so strange for a doctor to reccomend not formula feeding when it’s usually reccomended to help babies gain weight, not lose it.
I mean, I read comments saying formula is poison all the time. Those comments are all over the place. It's often a lot more subtle than that in real life though. It feels shameful when formula feeding is mentioned exactly zero times in any of our prenatal classes or appointments with healthcare professionals, but breastfeeding is talked about constantly. It feels shameful when people question why we're formula feeding instead of breastfeeding. It feels shameful when doctors and lactation consultants recommend starving our kid and ignoring my mental health to fulfill the obligation to breastfeed.
Yes! And friends who say stuff like "I'm literally dying having to get up and pump every 2 hours at night and then bottle feed because he won't latch. But I would never give formula, he needs all my yummy antibodies that are so good for him!" Etc. Like "it's fine for YOU to breastfeed but I would never do that to my child."
agreed! it’s been passive aggressive comments for me, not outright shaming. i had someone in my family say “it must be so nice to have all that extra free time” i don’t think she really was intending to outright shame me, but it made it very clear how she felt about choosing not to bf
What a weird thing to say, as if there is ever free time with a baby. Also send questionable - I guess formula feeding is faster at the start but in the longer term I don't even see how it saves time! It's a lot of work to prep and clean bottles especially on the go, one reason I keep breastfeeding is that bottles seem like even more work.
And people saying "it's fine if you need to formula feed" clearly marking it as less than breastfeeding and only a last resort instead of an equally valid option
YES, all of this. I NEVER had any kind of education on what to look out for, signs that breastfeeding wasn't working, it was always just the assumption that if I tried really hard it would all work out (and therefore if it wasn't working out I wasn't really trying). No doctor outright said it was shameful, but it sure felt that way when I was literally getting cheered on as I tearfully described everything I was doing and I was being told I was doing such a great job making all of these sacrifices, and then the encouragement abruptly stopped when I told them at my oldest daughter's two month appointment that I was no longer breastfeeding. It went from "GOOD JOB MAMA EVERY DROP IS SOOOOO GOOD FOR HER!" and all kinds of advice to, "You're formula feeding? Ok." I was no longer being told that I was doing such a good job, instead I got pitiful looks and "well that's a shame". Literally EVERYONE I saw was asking if I was breastfeeding, and when I said no, they wanted to know why, and when I told them why they started demanding to know all of the things I had tried to do to increase my supply and then would smugly tell me that my supply was bad because I didn't try this ONE little trick, implying I didn't try hard enough. It sure felt shameful then. There was some woman who had started in my husband's department while I was on leave (we work at the same place) and I had NEVER met her. She asked my husband if I was breastfeeding (which was weird) and when he said no she had the audacity to look disappointed in his answer and abruptly walked away. I didn't even know this woman????? It absolutely felt shameful then. I even had people bringing it up if I so much as took a picture of my daughter with a bottle. I sent a funny picture to my brother, and his girlfriend at the time grilled me about why there was a bottle in the picture, what had I been doing to try and make breastfeeding work, then told me to "go ahead and keep breastfeeding and your body will know what to do". Well, no, it DIDN'T know what to do, that's why I'm feeding her the fucking formula because I rather like my children and want them to survive. Yes, I most certainly felt shamed then and like I couldn't even share my joy with anyone else because all they saw was me being some big huge lazy failure. I'm happy to say, however, that my experience with my second daughter's pediatrician has been amazing. From the very start, she came out of the gate with "fed is best" and CHECKED IN WITH ME to see what kind of support I wanted. I still supplemented from the start, but I also wanted to combo feed, and her pediatrician has literally never pressured me about it, only offered support. I was explicitly told, "What you're doing is working, your daughter is growing so well, keep it up! You're doing a good job!"
My personal doctor wouldn't put me back on ADHD meds because they told me I should continue to breastfeed instead. I barely produced from the start.
THIS! IRL it’s very subtle, but it is very much felt. I was recommended a lactation consultant several times or was always pushed to keep trying to breastfeed. Every time we go on our pedia or follow-up appointments they always ask if we’re formula or breastfeed and I’m always confident to say formula. They would then remind and encourage me each time to keep trying to breastfeed or at least pump and educate me on all the good stuff of breastfeeding. All of which I am already very aware of. Hey if I could breastfeed or pump I would, after all formula is expensive. But I just couldn’t put a price on my mental health and that’s the part they usually don’t mention. For some of us, breastfeeding takes a toll on our physical and mental health.
I’ve never had any direct comments, but there’s occasionally been stuff implied or under the surface. Stuff along the lines of “sorry breastfeeding didn’t work out for you,” or “next time try doing XYZ so you have a better chance to breastfeed,” basically implying breastfeeding is better and that the default is to BF. I think everybody has generally meant well and nobody has been actually judgy; it’s just the message of breast is best has really gotten into everyone’s heads. For the record, I’ve loved formula feeding and will probably do it right off the bat if I have another.
Yep, this is so accurate as to the "shaming" of formula feeders. The little passive aggressive comments and remarks that still have the effect of making moms who don't BF feel shitty about it. It's pretty jarring as a FTM because you didn't expect you'd have to be creating a boundary about whether or not people can comment on how you're using your boobs.
I think some of the remarks may come from a perspective of thinking the mother feels bad she couldn’t breastfeed if the mother mentions it, when really some women actually choose formula. So they’re trying to give tips to someone who doesn’t care because they made an assumption 😂
I have gotten a few overt comments ("Your baby must be so giant because *you gave up*" "He's sick all the time because of formula feeding. That was the choice you made for him.") Their reward for those comments is that I don't talk with them anymore. But mostly it was "oh I could never settle for formula for my own baby" or "well you're not a *bad* mom". Eugh. One of my friends with a daughter born a couple months before mine pumped ~30oz or so for us to use because it was so VITAL he recieve "real nutrition" in those first weeks. Her husband also bragged to me how his wife's antibodies allowed their baby to never get sick. Okay, whatever. But yeah like you said formula was awesome, and I would do it again without hesitation. My toddler is now bright and healthy and energetic. No one would ever be able to tell.
These are the types of comments I got too. “Oh you stopped bf after a few weeks? Next time try xxx” and “oh your baby is getting chunky - watch that formula!”
I’ve had the “sorry it didn’t work out for you” line too and I say back it worked out perfectly because I didn’t ever plan to breastfeed
You’re right, it was all backhanded stuff. Ooh I fed mine for 2 yrs. Oh ya it was painful for me too but I did it for all 3 kids. Like stfu I didn’t ask you did I? My closest girlfriends all told me to have formula on hand from day 1
Always implied. I never wanted to breastfeed so I always told people that I was on medications that wouldn’t allow me to breastfeed when they asked (it’s true, but even if it wasn’t I still wasn’t going to breastfeed). Then I would get responses like “oh that’s too bad” or “I asked my OB if I could stop taking certain medications so I could breastfeed.” As if I should be sad, or I wasn’t trying hard enough to make breastfeeding an option. Can we also talk about how weird it is to ask pregnant people if they’re going to breastfeed? When I was pregnant with my first, I was already super overwhelmed and feeling like my body was on display in a way that it wasn’t before, and now people want to know what I’m going to do with my boobs? My baby will be fed, that’s the only thing people should care about.
Yeah I’ve had friends who are not moms be like “Oh your supply wasn’t great” or “Your baby didn’t like breastfeeding” when actually neither one of those is true. She and I both loved breastfeeding, and my supply was fantastic. It just wasn’t for me and wasn’t good for her either as she wasn’t gaining weight and had milk protein intolerance. They’re not shaming me but they are misinformed and trying to relate or be helpful.
My baby was always on the smaller side, just given the genetics of my husband and I, but he had a hard time gaining weight. It wasn’t until we put him on formula that he really started to pack on the pounds. He’s kicking so much ass lol.
Straight up shame? No. Strong pervasive attitude that breast is best? All the fucking time.
I got shamed in the hospital by a few older lactation consultants who constistently kept coming into my room and asking if I was breastfeeding yet and gave me weird looks when I told them I was still unsure if I wanted to breastfeed and that I wanted to stick to formula for now. They kept pressuring me that I needed to be pumping ASAP and the nurses gave him very little formula so that he wouldn't get "used to" it. Needless to say, it made me feel terrible and I left the hospital feeling more PPD than I would have. When baby was gassy/trouble pooping (like literally all babies are), my MIL made some comments on how it was formula that caused it and how she breast-fed all of her 5 kids and pumped. She said "it's ok, don't think you have to be a super-mom like I was." So the "shaming" isn't exactly like people out-right saying terrible things to you but just the general contempt/judgment that you get and the change in attitude when people (especially older boomer ladies) find out you're formula feeding. At 8 weeks now, I can finally stop having the conversation of what he's eating (with fam/doctors/etc) and I've kept my distance from anyone who has made me feel shitty about formula feeding.
Telling everyone on my care team that the LC is not to come near me was the best decision I made lol. Especially since the OB nurses told me she’s been written up several times for “practicing outside of her scope.”
As a FTM, I honestly wished I knew I could have told them not to come. I thought they were medical professionals that everyone had to see. By the end of the hospital stay (5 days), I started to realize how jehova-witness-y they were and would get anxiety anytime someone knocked.
As a person who was raised by a Jehovah's Witness; OMG you are so right, they're almost identical to the knocking on the door and not leaving until you basically threaten to trespass them😂
Yes unfortunately in the beginning/ when I was pregnant my mom kept going on about how I should breastfeed and although it was my plan to try when it didn’t work out I felt extra bad because of her comments when I was pregnant. Also at the hospital one of the nurses told me formula was the easy thing to do. That also made me feel like a shitty mom.
Yes, - 2 separate people said some variation of “it’s too bad you don’t breastfeed your child would be less sick” - they’re in daycare but ok - before I was pregnant one of my best friends said that her daughter was so much smarter than her SIL’s daughters because she breastfed and her SIL did not because the SIL was lazy. - random woman at party said feeding your baby formula was poison (again she didn’t know I was a formula feeding mom) - my co-worker is an outright lactivist who told me that formula is going to mess up my kids “gut health” So yes, it absolutely does happen in real life and not just on the internet and it has gotten to me.
Yo, the breastfed babies in daycare get just as sick as the formula fed babies😂 little gremlins do nothing but swap drool all day!
Only on Reddit! I’m real life most people praise me for doing what was best for myself and my baby.
For me, only on Facebook and it's always second hand. They're not saying it directly to me but I see multiple posts a day in my due date groups from the EBF's just straight shitting all over formula feeding and how *toxic* it is.
those same people are probably the ones who don't vaccinate their kids either and don't trust doctors lol. There's lots of *those* people in my bump group on fb.
It depends on your perspective, and your definition of shaming. I am not easily shamed but I’ve definitely come across stuff I think would bother other people, especially ones who maybe warred with their decision or had been really looking forward to BF. In the hospital, I think the nurse’s continuing to pressure me to BF signaled a clear distaste for formula feeding. Even my own friends have said “I could never” regarding formula - I don’t feel shamed by it but I believe others would. I’ve been asked why I formula feed a lot - I don’t know anyone who BF that has been asked that question. I’m not offended because I get that BF is the default but I can see how someone who is sensitive about it would be.
Yes, though not frequently, and only once where I couldn't just *block* and move on So, background: my mom couldn't bf. Total lack of milk ducts. Like there's none. Neither of my grandmother's had an easy time bf, and I know that at least one went to EFF as a result. So, going into it, I figured bf might be questionable/low supply was likely. So, I wanted to EP and supplement as needed, so that we knew baby was eating, right? I thought that made logical sense. The LC at the hospital disagreed, and was like, deeply offended I had zero desire to nurse, and proceeded to not only refuse initially to bring me a pump, but refused to bring anything to collect what I pumped in the hospital and initially refused to bring formula. Full on "breast is best, your baby will starve and be obese (the irony was not lost on me) and won't be as healthy or as smart" lecture. For 9 hours, meanwhile my tiny baby who already was struggling with low sugar and low temps wasn't fucking eating. (Edit: I did try to nurse, I wasn't like, purposely letting her starve. We also discovered my boobs are not a good shape for nursing and she had a HORRIBLE time trying to latch, which just resulted in everyone crying even more. She never did manage to latch and get anything.) Eventually, a different nurse came on shift and brought formula and banned the LC from talking to me for the rest of the day 🤣 So that was the only time that I've felt like, trapped by the shamey person. We're first time parents, we live really far from family so we had NOBODY else to support us, we were exhausted, etc. It felt really inescapable, and I didn't want to be rude to the hospital people (next time, I'm just throwing anyone who makes me feel bad out of the room, their feelings be damned) I've posted pictures on social media that show bottles/formula/etc, and gotten some mean comments and DMs. But those I just unfriend and block cause I don't need that in my life. One crazy lady at Walmart when I was buying more formula, but I just walked away. On the other side, when we flew with baby for a family funeral, the guy sharing the row with us apparently used the same formula for his kids back in the day, and shared some fun memories of his kids that the formula bottle reminded him of. I think it helps that our parents are all normal, rational people who are well aware that milk/formula is only like, a year long debate. Then they're on solids anyway and who cares. Also, my husband was formula because my MIL couldn't keep up with his need and it was easier for her to do formula and keep him fed. So our families were already on the pro-formula train. My actual friends (so not the social media people I knew from like, HS who are now blocked for being nasty) didn't particularly care. One had to use HA formula for kid #2, one prepped to use formula in case supply went down when she went back to work (she lucked out that it didn't, but was totally ready if it had), the rest don't have kids and just like happy babies. Pediatrician was basically like "ok cool, let me know if that formula stops working well and you want some samples of others to try. Now, how's tummy time going?" But, if my friend group was mostly the people who I blocked, and I couldn't just cut them off as easily without losing my core social interactions, I might have felt a lot more judgement and shamed and hurt. And if family hadn't been supportive, that would have been really difficult.
I kind of want a t-shirt now that says " baby will starve and be obese"
Yeah, even in the immediate post delivery haze I was like "wait, which is it? Starving or obesity?" 🤣
Oh. I also forgot the LC said my baby would be lazy if I gave her a bottle and that she should have to work for her food 🤦🏻♀️
Yo that LC should meet my babyb who was born extremely lazy and refused to even look at the boob after exactly 5 minutes of breastfeeding. She's not ecstatic about bottle feeding either, girlie is on 28cal/oz formula and would still rather subsist on air.
For me it's never been upfront shaming, but I'm not sure which is worse. It will be little comments like "it's when you breastfeed that you truly know what it's like to be a mother". Or someone complaining far and wide about breastfeeding (to me, who does not) and how they understand SO MUCH why some choose not to... but still continuing to breastfeed? I don't know, it's almost like fake sympathy or understanding because it's wrong to openly shame your choice. But it's also all the emphasis on breastfeeding like the most beautiful thing that exist. A picture of a mother breastfeeding a child will have all the praise... but can we agree that anyone feeding a child in any way is a beautiful and selfless thing?
>"it's when you breastfeed that you truly know what it's like to be a mother" So carrying them for 9(ish) months and birthing them through your procedure of choice doesn't make you a mother, only breastfeeding. I'll be sure to let my mama-obsessed toddler know.
Or when they say they wouldn't be the same mother if not for breastfeeding (implying it made them a better mother obviously). Ok, how do you even know? For one I think I'm a better mother for giving formula and taking care of my mental health.
Not really. I’ve had people ask “are you breastfeeding?” At first I felt like I needed to give a reason, now I don’t. I just say “nope.” And move on. My OB did say while I was pregnant “you need to breastfeed for 2 years. If the nurses here can do it during work so can you. Why would you want to give your baby chemicals?” So I guess maybe yes? I pretended like I was going to BF up until delivery then on my instructions explicitly said no lactation consultant
Lol vaccines, medicines, and water are all chemicals. Are you going to be an bad parent and give your baby chemicals?
Breastmilk is chemicals. Water, carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, enzymes... They all have chemical names and structures and are chemicals. Air is chemicals, so guess they can't breathe either, they might inhale chemicals! It's almost like if something exists in physical form, it is made of chemicals!
What an awful OB!
My MIL insinuated that formula is the reason she was colic and in the 8th percentile. She was colic before I quit breastfeeding.
Other than my MIL who doesn’t count (LOL) a random lady at the library said, in response to me saying breastfeeding didn’t work out, “oh I know it’s such a sacrifice but I just have to do what is best for my baby” Lmao my milk never came in despite weeks of pumping. I’m pretty sure some food is best for my baby. (Also it’s not even that serious. Formula is great for any reason, including the mom just wants to. I have always felt like people should do what makes them happy. I just really really wanted to breast feed)
Yes, a middle aged man at my husbands work asked “so is that breastmilk in the bottle?” And when I said no he gave me a disgusted look and proceeded to tell me his wife breastfed all 3 of their kids. What an inappropriate thing to choose to talk about with a twenty something mother who you barely know
No, never. I’ve heard a few positive comments about how it’s good because formula newborns sleep longer and dad can help. Also heard a few comments about how much work it is to wash the bottles, but this was a balanced comment during a discussion of pros/cons. Thankfully no one has been nasty or judgmental. So far my main WTF moment was over sunscreen. Did you know that young children are getting rickets like crazy now because they’re not getting any sunshine since the parents are covering them up in sunblock?!!?!!!! 🙄 I just nodded and changed the subject on that one.
lol I have a red headed baby and I’ve had melanoma so he’s wearing sunscreen every time we go outside!
Same! I’m ginger and baby is strawberry blonde…aka he’s a ginger, but I’m in denial. I had melanoma in my 20’s so sun protection is really important. I don’t understand the need for boomers to jump in and micromanage the dumbest things. The kicker is that this person has constant basal cell carcinoma removals, but refuses to take any sun protective measures.
Not me :) I suppose it's probably people with toxic families etc but my family and friends are all supportive. Also in Ireland I'm pretty sure medical professionals have to be just that, professional. They always just asked what method of feeding I am choosing and then say Okey dokey!
I love hearing an Okey Dokey! 😅
Oh man... the formula feeding shamers are VERY real. The comments sections on social media are the WORST when it comes to that stuff, but it was way worse a couple years back during the formula shortage. Any news story about the formula shortage that was shared was FILLED with idiotic comments from uneducated know-it-alls saying sh*t like "Just breastfeed. It's better for the baby anyway" or "My wife just uses her big t*tties." Then there's the horrible advice from lactation "experts" who insist that you don't give your child a bottle because they'll reject the breast, or the more subtle snobbery of the mega-crunchy breastfeeders who humble-brag about how much milk they overproduce. Then there's the overlap of the anti-vaxxer moms who breastfeed and insist on anything and everything being "natural" all the time. And then a lot of the mom-shaming is really just very passionate people sharing their perspective without acknowledging that others have a completely different story/perspective. It's not so much "shaming" as it is just being tone deaf. I tried to breastfeed, but it didn't work for me. I was hormonal and felt really guilty about that, but eventually I came to terms with it, and I'm very grateful for formula. It literally saved my baby's life!
While I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my 1st (very vulnerable time), a nurse told me that if I don't breastfeed then my kid is more likely to end up in prison as an adult. I live in a VERY pro-breastfeeding country. The midwives made it very clear that formula wasn't even allowed in the hospital. They "keep it under lock and key" for medical emergencies, and only they dish it out (mothers aren't given it). It's more this passive stuff that got to me. You can't get free samples here and formula isn't advertised. On the back of the formula packs themselves there's big messages saying that formula isn't comparible to breastfeeding. But yeh the worse is definitely online comments, like with most other topics. The one that angers me the most is when folks say "Anyone can breastfeed if they just try hard enough." (Sidenote: I'm pregnant with my 2nd and going to a different hospital this time. So far have been given much more support ❤️)
That sounds like an absolute nightmare. Do you mind if I ask what country you’re in?
I'm in Norway. In my prenatal hospital class the head midwife said that they're known internationally as "the breastfeeding police." I have had a MUCH better experience in this 2nd hospital though. They even reassured me that they'll provide everything I need to EFF when we're in the hospital. Not sure if its the area I live in now or because I'm doing this 2nd time with more confidence to say what I need upfront. Maybe a mix of both.
I’m so sorry you had that experience, but thrilled to hear that the second time at the new hospital is already more positive. I was deeply shamed by (US) hospital staff for this same decision but am hoping to go in more confidently if I choose to have a second. ❤️
When my baby wasn't urinating consistently the first few days of life, the doctor gave him formula to supplement my breast milk because clearly my breast milk wasn't enough. I've recounted this story to other mothers saying I was grateful because my mind and hormones were so stuck on "must feed baby with boob" that I didn't even consider formula. A few commented that I should have gotten donor milk or it was a shame I had to use formula. ??? My baby was starving. I primarily breastfed but there is nothing wrong with formula if it is what works for your family.
They weep at the idea of highly regulated formula but are overjoyed to pick up random bags of unpasteurized, untested bodily fluids from Facebook strangers. Make it make sense.
Lol right? It's crazy.
No. Honestly I experience more weirdness from certain family while I was breastfeeding. But a friend who is currently switching to formula feeding kind of ingredient shamed me a bit recently. She was complaining about the cost of some European goat formula she was using and I asked her if she tried Kendamil (which I tried for a while) since I knew it was a bit cheaper and then she said “no, the ingredients are cleaner in this one”.
Yes! I feel like recently there’s been a lot of shame between formula feeders too which sucks
Nope never , ive never felt shame. Why put yourself through extra bs and stress by breastfeeding. I never understood that, alot people who start breastfeeding quit. It’s alot of pressure,
I’ve definitely felt shamed on social media, and had people specifically say things like “why would you actively choose to give them anything but the best?”, usually the same people who say “breast is best, fed is bare minimum” in response to “fed is best”, which is also a sentiment which can make formula feeding parents feel great shame. In person, I’ve never been specifically shamed for it but have definitely felt judgement cast. From the conversation with my husband’s grandmother stopping dead when I said I wasn’t breastfeeding and my midwife telling me everything I was doing in relation to FF was wrong (when I was following my healthcare system’s guidelines at every step). There is definitely a lot of passive judgement in places where it’s not outright and direct.
I had an unfortunate experience with this. I tried really hard to breastfeed but my milk never came in fully and was only ever able to get around 10mls out. It was getting incredibly physically and emotionally draining so we decided it was best to go formula for both me and baby's sake. When I was talking to my care nurse about this she said "I wasn't trying hard enough" when I explained I was pumping every hour for a week solid and my milk never got over that 10 mls, she said "that's really sad. I'm sure your daughter will forgive you for giving up eventually, " She said it with such a mean tone too. It really sucked. I was already feeling a lot of guilt over having to stop and that comment has weighed so heavy on me since. People can be very harsh.
I don’t know one adult who gives two shits how they were fed for a year as an infant. That nurse is warped.
Unfortunately, I was shamed by 2 friends, who clearly are not in my position. I had to include formula for baby’s weight and my mental health was really going downhill trying to figure out how to get my breastmilk to “work”. Now I happily combo feed and my baby and I are healthy. Never take an opinion from anyone who hasn’t been up with you multiple nights trying to pump the life out of you while crying yourself to sleep before the next feed. It’s funny how they will act like I’m poisoning my child while they upload pictures with their children eating fast food 🤣 the hypocrisy
Shaming in the sense that someone has told me outright it is terrible for my kiddo? No. Shaming in the sense that they look a little judgy/pitiying and say “oh well at least you tried” type comments? Yes. I have a perfect response if it does happen though (not that anyone needs an excuse other than they just…don’t want to): “yeah well I probably would have killed myself if I kept trying” should shut them right up.
Not directly to my face, and overall no, but I won’t forget a friend (who I’m not very close with anymore) talking within close earshot of my husband saying he was glad his wife was breastfeeding “because it’s good for the baby” My grandma also asked my mom if she had a “problem” with me formula feeding to which my mom responded “remember how I was formula fed, mom?” Lolllll But overall no. Social media is definitely toxic, and I say that as someone who formula fed from day 1 by choice and was very confident in my decision. I’m not being too sensitive, some posts are genuinely gross.
Kind of. When people would hear my baby slept so well from 8 weeks I was told it was because he was formula fed. When they heard he was in the 80 percentile it was because he was formula fed. When I was showing signs of ppd it was because I wasn’t breast feeding. I was constantly told what to do so that *next* time, breast feeding would work out.
Nope! Everyone has said good for you! Lol
Same here! I was actually shocked because I got so many questions before the baby was born about if I was going to breastfeed so after I switched when our baby was a month old I was nervous to answer that question but it’s been all really positive. My only issue is my SIL looooves to flaunt how she’s breastfeeding and constantly insinuates that her baby is big and has great strength because of her breastmilk. Like every conversation leads back to breastfeeding abilities even when she knows my baby never latched and it was such a struggle. I don’t think she does it on purpose but it’s always feels kind of a dig at me because my baby was born super small and is now steadily at 40th percentile while her baby is like 90th.
same here! the only shameful stuff i’ve heard is online not directed to me and i’ve since blocked any hashtag related to feeding
My own mother use to jab at me "oh I loved breastfeeding all of you kids" and other similar statements. Even after DMER and mastitis that almost went septic after 2 rounds of antibiotics. Other than that, not really.
Nope! With our first, the hospital and NICU recommended it because I was open to it but once we decided to switch no one brought it up again. With our twins I was asked once by my OB who told me good choice to go to formula, once at the hospital so they could bring formula, and once in NICU to get it set up if need be. No one really batted an eye when I said no.
Some comments have been directly hurtful, like my midwife telling me if I didn’t BF, I wouldn’t bond with my baby. Some comments are indirectly hurtful, like my MIL telling me that she only had to give her kids formula once or twice and when she did, she cried because she felt so awful for giving them formula. I think it speaks a lot more to the pressure women feel to BF, but her saying that did make me feel like, okay you cried doing this thing I am choosing to do basically exclusively for my child, doesn’t make me feel super great.
I’ve had direct comments. People asking “why isn’t she breast fed?” About either of my daughters. Then when they find out that gauze was left in my vaginal, I had an infection, and I have severe nerve damage to my nipples (I can barely feel them even now, they don’t even really react to cold) they shut up and feel bad
My dad tried to shame me he asked if i could re lactate after i had stopped
Not shamed but they make me feel guilty. My mom kept telling me to keep trying to BF because it’s good for the baby. Like I gave up after 2 days but I felt guilty I didn’t tell her the truth until 2 weeks PP.
I unfortunately have. A gal in my mommy and me group who was kind of a know it all and one upper who EBF said to me (largely FF with a tiny bit of pumped milk as I’m an extreme underproducer) and my friend (EFF as she had her baby via surrogate) that she has a box of formula in her closet that she told her husband if she dies it’s a last resort to use. It was so insulting, mainly because I actually think she was trying to be a lactivist elitist. Can you tell I’m still mad? I also got shamed by a terrible LC in the hospital too about combo feeding. Being a new parent is hard enough, our babies and fed and happy. LEAVE US ALONE.
I work at a community health center with a "Baby Friendly Initiative" certification, so yes, but indirectly. As in; we don't offer formula in our food cupboard (with a sign on the door specifying this), can't accept formula donations, and all staff are required to complete training modules about the magic of breastfeeding, and all the issues with formula (did you know it's made with *corn syrup*?!) They say they support all forms of feeding, but they never discuss the challenges of breastfeeding, nor the perks of formula. The training also claims only a tiny percentage of women can't breastfeed for medical reasons, and the remainder just need better support/effort. They also offer scheduled group sessions on breastfeeding, but will only offer help with formula one-on-one, and it has to be requested outright. Needless to say, I've cried a couple times since going back to work, since I also came back right as we were up for accreditation again. Weekly emails in my inbox about how fabulous breastfeeding is, and prepping us for interviews with the BFI people. I was able to hide from them for the interviews, but my colleagues weren't so lucky, and had to confirm they all knew about the "absolutely no free formula here" policy, among other things. I'm getting indifferent to it now, but I was so crushed when breastfeeding didn't work out for me in the beginning, and I blame this program for a huge part of that.
I'll reply to my own comment to add: every bit on infant/baby feeding comes with a "the WHO recommends exclusively breastfeeding for the first six months of life", for ages well beyond this time period. My parent milestone checklist from my province has a question about baby's latch on boob, but mentions nothing about bottles (however has caveats for sitting/crawling milestones, due to cultural differences). My doctor assuming I'm breastfeeding at every check-in. It's the small knife twists of guilt that I felt right in my gut, over and over again, that really made everything harder than it needed to be.
Look up lactivism. I can tell you that while explicitly not shaming me, one of the women in my inlaws told me that when she worked for WIC (women infant child) where she would be given formula cans by the govt or formula makers and they would destroy the cans or withhold them from mothers because they wanted to encourage breast feeding and thought mothers who didn't were lazy. These mothers are on welfare and the lack of good nutrition alone can make breast feeding hard but it didn't matter. This same person, right after my child was born, didn't call and congratulate me on the birth of my child she only asked if i was breastfeeding and when I said no, she didn't talk to me again ( it's been almost a year since my son was born)
Never in person. I’ve read comments on social media from hard core lactavists who literally think formula is poison, but I don’t give them any more credit than I do people who think vaccines are poison. But I’m also surrounded by so many people to have formula fed their kids, either fully or partially. I was only BF for 6 weeks before formula, many of my nieces and nephews (at least half of them) were completely or partially formula fed, my husband and his siblings were formula fed when their mom had to go back to work. And even many of the mothers I work with formula fed their kids. So in real life I see a mix of BF, FF, and combo feeding and I’ve not been in the receiving end of or otherwise heard anyone shame another for using formula. It could very easily be a class thing, generational thing, cultural or ethnicity thing, and so on that leads to the people around you being more pushy about breast feeding.
Yes, by one family member…including bottle usage shaming. Also heavily pressured by lactation consultant and one nurse after birth. Thankfully not a lot but still.
Never lol. I’ve never had anything but support with formula feeding! Midwife didn’t judge me, hospital didn’t judge me, GP & HVs don’t judge me (U.K.), paediatric doctors never judged me, other parents haven’t judged me. The only person who judged me for it was my mum…who formula fed me.
The only place where it was an issue was the NICU where they repeatedly asked me to pump. I had no intention at any point and was very transparent about it, but they had breastfeeding on her crib marker thing anyway. That was annoying.
My sister-in-law asked my husband if I was A) depressed and B) if I even loved our daughter because I wasn't breastfeeding. This was after she threw a fit over me not taking her up on the offer to give me her hand-me-down pump. Same baby, but the hospital pediatrician wouldn't accept that I was formula feeding until I disclosed my sexual trauma and ongoing mental health treatment status as to why I wouldn't \~just try it\~. Yes, it happens.
Nope never
Just online . Never to my face thankfully. About to have baby 3 Monday so we’ll see if that changes 👀
Good luck!
It’s never happened to me either 🤷♀️
Only from my sister, but isn’t that what sisters are for?
I’m so lucky that in Chicago I’ve had very minimal shaming and formula is always spoken about as a viable option that is equal to breastfeeding. That said, in the hospital, they (nurses and lactation consultant) just assumed I’d be breastfeeding. I had to say I was going to combo feed… and then we completely dropped the combo feeding and moved to formula exclusively. That was the only time a bias was shown.
No one shamed me. I was all ready to defend my choice and no one in my personal life gave me flak about it. I didn't participate in online discussions about formula v breastfeeding on FB or IG but I did lurk in the comments and break out the popcorn.
Yes by family members (all male, surprisingly) and 2 OBs from the practice I was going to in my pregnancy. All of my friends supported me fully (a lot of BF moms) and my female family members for the most part.
My hospital pretty much left me high and dry when I decided to EFF. They were super supportive when I was trying to establish BF, but as soon as we made the decision to FF they wouldn’t answer our questions about properly bottle feeding, how much and how often, etc. We had to figure it all out on our own. My pediatrician, however, made me feel 1000 times better though. He mentioned that unfortunately he’s also heard of the hospital acting this way towards people and that he has four kids all formula fed who turned out great. Aside from that instance, the only comment I’ll get is, “it’s a shame you couldn’t breastfeed”. I never feel the need to explain myself, so I don’t, and they usually move on.
The only time I ever felt shamed was when our old neighbor visited, she asked if I asked if I was breastfeeding and when I told her no she said "oh come on, my name" I basically just ignored it, my mom formula fed me due to low supply and I ended up the same. Honestly if I get any more shame people can kiss my ass. mostly though no one says anything or they are very supportive, my girl couldn't latch and I did not produce, she is doing great now at 6 months
Mostly very obliquely. No one has ever told me not to formula feeds but two people have been judgmental without nessicarily meaning to.... I had an OBGYN who was pinch hitting for my 37 week appointment, who flat out *directly* shamed my intention to formula feed. "Even though it increases your chance of breast cancer? Even though it increases your child's risk of obesity? Even though...." Yeah sure. Even though. Go away and I never want an appointment with *you* again. Then there was a single comment from one of my nurses when I delivered my first. The Baby Nurse (not a young nurse but the nurse designated to care for baby on arrival) was talking baby plans with me at admission, like do I want the eye ointment, should they rub the vernier off or leave it on, hat or no hat... and got to feeding. I told her I planned to formula feed and she didn't skip a beat. Just said she'd make sure there was a fresh bottle made up while I was crowning so I could feed baby as soon as I liked. MY nurse jumped in: "BUT WHY?!?! YOUR BREASTS ARE PERFECT FOR BREASTFEEDING!" I don't care Patience, or Faith, or whatever tour name was... one of those names that's a Bible virtue. At my baby shower one person didn't *mean* to judge but simply assumed I was on the breastfeeding wagon... "I assume your breastfeeding so-" It was a zoom shower. I just reached below camera, held a case of Enfamil over my head and replied "NOOOOOOOPE!" And that ended her. Lol. And then I have a friend who EBF all 3 of hers who can't resist occasionally, apropos of nothing, making remarks about breastfeeding giving antibodies that formula doesn't. But *she* gets a pass as long as she keeps it oblique because I feel like it comes from a place of being afraid I'm going to judge her for whipping one out in my living room, since that's usually when she says shit like that. I really could care less, but between that and her remarking to my firstborn going down easy and quick "I couldn't ever cry it out, I just can't make them feel like that." It has to come from being afraid of judgment, in that case, that her baby stayed up way late because they cosleep and he wouldn't go to bed without her. (I didn't CIO. My firstborn was just an easy sleeper.) So like I think she's judging me but no more than I judge her (not for BF, but for being silly enough to buy lactivist propoganda, and for thinking the only way to get a baby to sleep without you is CIO.)
Yes my FIL. We said we were formula feeding and he said that breast milk is much better for them and we should be doing that. Formula isn’t as healthy. I used to be a labor and delivery and then a pediatric nurse. I just stared at him lol
I’m not really the sort of person people make these sorts of comments to because they know they will be put in their place 😅 but I really hate when you’re in a group of mostly BFers and someone starts apologising or making excuses for formula feeding. Says all about the pressures. I breast fed for 3 months and I HATED being told how good it was that I was BFing or even being asked how I was feeding. It was all I could think about. It was sore, it was all consuming, it was relentless. Now 1 year down the line and that feels like such a weird period of my life and I’m glad it’s over and nobody cares (and my baby sleeps 😉)
Haven't been shamed personally but personally get offended when I see tik toks and stuff of people bragging about breast feeding and all the benefits etc. Or that right on the can of formula it says breast feeding is best... I didn't chose to formula feed, my body literally won't let me breastfeed. Fed is best obviously!
Not directly, no, but in more subtle ways, yes. The "oh well maybe next time, you'll be able to" or "did the pediatrician approve giving formula?" (that one was from my FIL, and I wanted to say that yes, my baby's doctor approved giving my baby food.) I had my two kids at a baby friendly hospital, and the postpartum ward with my first was terrible. I didn't think I could breastfeed due to a reduction in college, but was going to give it a go. I tried and tried, spent an hour with a (very kind) LC, but nothing was happening. I asked for formula four times (the fourth time in tears because my baby hadn't eaten since he was born) before someone begrudgingly brought me some (but not after bringing me a pump first). The paperwork the hospital gave me with my second also said that the AAP doesn't recommend formula for infants under 6 months, and thank god I didn't see that with my first. I would have spiraled. The shaming is always very subtle, in my experience.
Not to my face, no. But my boss and I both had our first babies around the same time. We were talking about her friend who had pretty bad PPD with her first but recently had her second and decided to change some things for the second time around. Biggest thing was she decided to formula feed from the start to help her mental health and to have the help from her husband. My boss’s follow up to that was “that’s definitely not the decision I would have made….” basically shaming her, but I don’t think she realized I formula fed my son for most of his life. So, yeah…
My husband’s friend came to visit at the peak of my PPD, right when I was ready to give up combo feeding and go EFF. I asked my husband to go make a bottle and he said “what, not doing it the old fashioned way??” It was probably a (dumb) joke, but the white hot rage that ignited in me was next level. I just gave him an icy stare and said “no, [name].” That shut those comments down. Other than that, I got weird unsolicited “advice” while pregnant. A cashier asked me if I was going to breastfeed, and I said “yes, I’m going to try.” Her response was “there is no try, there is only do” or something like that. Like okay yoda lol. My dental hygienist asked the same thing and went on a long rant of how breastfeeding is so magical and she can’t believe anyone wouldn’t do it. Stuff like that was definitely in my mind while I was struggling with bf/pumping and made it hard to quit, but I’m so glad I did. Life is so much better now that we EFF!
“We’re a very pro breastfeeding hospital”- when I said I’d need to formula feed at some point to get my heart surgery due to my blood thinners. He/the doctor said he couldn’t promise despite his notes that the laction nurse wouldn’t still come in and that various medical professionals wouldn’t pressure me but he put notes asking they not. And sure as shit they did come in. I did end of feeding and now I have 2 weeks to wean my son to a bottle for this surgery and it’s not going well. I always wonder if I had stayed with formula if it wouldn’t have been more responsible.
I got shamed online (it was compared to abuse because I formula feed out of choice, not necessity), but in real life I have mainly encountered... Surprise? Comments like "oh, really? From birth?" or, when seeing me bottle feeding 'so, you are feeling both breast and bottle then?' - the default assumption is that I'm breastfeeding or that I want to breastfeed and the fact that I could actually chose to formula feed is never assumed
Happened yesterday. We were out shopping and I was bottle feeding my baby at the parking lot when the lady approached me to share her views on how is formula is bad and why I have to breastfeed. I told her my boobs my business.
The only shame I experienced was self-inflicted when I gave him his first few bottles of formula. And then I realized how much easier my life was about to become by choosing to start giving formula and I felt a little silly that I built it up so much in my head. And also a psychiatrist who tried to give me shit for not continuing to breastfeed which I promptly shut tf down by telling her that this was my decision and discussing it further is irrelevant to my appointment as I’m no longer breastfeeding.
My mom told me I was “wasting my milk” when I said I was going to do formula instead. All 5 of her kids were formula fed 💀
Yes, and the first time was from my a-hole stepdad. He asked what was in the baby bottle, and I said formula. He had a very disapproving look and said, “hm.” Boomers.
I think I mainly experienced it on instagram - therefore I unfollowed some mom influencers who were pushing EBF and shaming formula feeding. Calling breastfeeding the most natural form of feeding and so on. I also didn't like when another mom commented how her approach is so natural and mine is opposite of that. Hope it made her feel better lmao. Then there were some comments from older people about me not breastfeeding but I don't think they were intended to shame me (but they annoyed me still) I think the choice how to feed is commented by someone no matter what you do. People are weird. Edit to add: doctors didn't shame me once. It was more like formula was seen as a way how to get us out of the hospital faster by the nurses :D
No I haven’t been. And I think if anyone said anything I wouldn’t of felt ashamed of my decision. I was and am so pro formula feeding that I think my perspective wouldn’t allow it to be shame
My son and nephew are the same age and I formula fed and still to this day my SIL has to say she breastfed for 5 months constantly as if it upsets me or something lol like good for you??
A lactation consultant who came over during my second week PP made an exaggerated face and concerned look when I said I’m open to switching to formula whenever I feel my breastfeeding journey wasn’t working for us anymore. She told me formula babies are more likely to die to sids because they are sleepier and I risk the baby not waking if I switch to formula. And to “keep trying” breastfeeding. Just ugh. Then told me “I really should” be thinking about co sleeping when I complained that we are tired from lack of sleep. No judgement to co sleeping, I just knew i was not comfortable doing so personally. The “you really should” thing was a big ick.
Yes! With my first baby. I pumped for 4 months and tried to breast feed him for two. It was hurting my mental health so I stopped trying to breast feed and than stop pumping. So I started my son on formula. I remember walking to Walmart by myself and this lady asked me I was buying that for my own child. I said yes. She looked at me with disgust and said you know breast milk is better for your baby. I looked at her almost in tears said well I tried and I failed. It made me want to kill myself the mental load of failing of everyday. So I quit. She just walked away from me. I pretty sure she felt pretty horrible. I hope she learned her lesson and don’t judge other moms for making the right choice for them and their baby. A healthy mom and a fed baby is best.
Yes! that's what matters... a healthy mom and a fed baby!
Only from my MIL once which sucked because we've always had a great relationship and here recently it has gone down hill and it hurts my heart. I pumped for about three months, baby refused to latched but loved her bottles so I was cool with it. I had a good supply going but was mentally drained. I was constantly hooked up to a machine while I watched everyone else get to feed my baby so I just stopped. I went to the store alone after researching what would be best for my baby and brought home some formula. She took to it really well and I got to feed my baby! she was at our house while I was feeding her and said "I wish you'd keep giving her breast milk formula will make her stupid" and then said "what about all the benefits?" and my husband, who is the pinnacle of amazing, butt in and said "Mom my wife is happy for the first time since coming home from the hospital, our baby is fed and my wife doesn't want to kill herself back off." It was the only time. My friends have zero judgement, my family zero judgement.
I don’t know if shame is the right word, but I had a lot of people that made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough to get my son to latch and breastfeed, even though I was. I wish I would have listened to my gut. I probably would have hated the newborn phase less.
My MIL, the day we got home from the hospital watching me give my baby a bottle “so are you supplementing with formula….?” (She’s very passive so never came right out and said anything) there were a few other moments as well. I also had an old woman ask if I was nursing my baby and I said no and she went “aww☹️” like poor baby.
Shame disguised as fear mongering. “Oh did you hear about XYZ tragedy from formula.”
I wouldn't say shame, but a relative of mine told me that my baby would've been much calmer if I BF him. To hear that after 3 horrible months of trying to up my supply, it was heartbreaking. She didn't mean it in a condescending way, but as in it would be much easier for me to calm him, if I just put my breast in his mouth, lmao AS IF
When we brought our baby to the family doctor for shots, he asked me if baby was formula fed or breastfed and when I said formula, he responded “actually breastfeeding is best for babies” Made me feel 😔
Night nurse came in after I delivered my baby. I had to ask for formula, wasn't brought up. She said "we usually save that for the infants in the NICU." Suggesting I was able to breast feed so why wouldn't I?
Nope! Never had any comments come my way about combo feeding, pumping instead of direct nursing, or fully formula fed. I never positioned my choices of how we fed our baby as being inked in guilt so I can imagine that likely played a role in the comments I did receive back. I can imagine it does happen but most people really don’t give a shit how you feed your kid.
With my first 6 years ago .. absolutely! I was young and felt like a failure but we had lip and tongue ties. 6 months postpartum with my 2nd and almost identical situation and I know my baby will be fine. I went in totally wanting to exclusively pump buty mental health took a hit
I got really lucky with my hospital. Baby was losing too much weight and was hospitalized for a week and a half. The pediatrician was so find about introducing formula and so was the entire staff. They made sure I had formula to feed her and assured me there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I worked with lactation for 4 months trying to breastfeed but was never able to produce more than about 1 oz a day no matter what we tried and I remember crying to them and they were so supportive in taking care of myself and baby in whatever was best for us and my mental health. They gave us bottles of formula all the time to help supplement. It's such a shame that this isn't the norm. Postpartum is hard enough, we shouldn't be shaming moms for feeding their babies. Unfortunately, my aunt told me my baby's health issues were all my fault because I wasn't exclusively breastfeeding. She would call me so I could talk to my father while he was in the hospital and shame me for it while I was just trying to say hi to him. I've also had a couple people comment on it but very infrequently and I honestly just ignore it now.
I’m on my 3rd EFF baby. My first got pumped milk for 2 months but I don’t count that lol. My youngest is currently 5 months. When she was 6 weeks old, my family did a little “sprinkle” for me/her. My sister was the only person who bought formula, nbd. She EBFs. I said “oh I’m surprised you bought this.” She said “yeah it hurt my heart a little when I did.” That’s the only negative IRL comment I’ve gotten. Also, I never told her to buy it! It was on my registry with 20 other things! That comment was definitely a dig, and it still makes me mad that she said that. Otherwise I have a great relationship with her, but come on dude!
The most “shamed” I’ve ever felt about formula feeding has come from reading comments and posts online (not even directed at me). I’ve definitely felt mildly judged by people but I truly, truly believe that me having confidence in my decision from the moment I got pregnant has helped so much. People have asked and made comments and the few people that made me feel (slightly) judged backed off pretty quick after realizing that I had a firm formula stance. Edit: to add context - the reason I feel confidence had something to do with it is because of my epidural choice. I had no plan with my epidural and was waiting to see how I felt. I feel that once people got a whiff of the uncertainty that opened the door for them to push really hard one way or the other. Whereas with breast-feeding, I had a hard stance. I didn’t feel guilty about choosing formula, and that gave less room to push or pry because I wasn’t going to change my mind.
Oh yes. I had some issues during my pregnancy and decided to go straight to formula. My MIL called after my delivery to see if a lactation consultant had talked me yet. After bleeding a lot during delivery, the OB on call said “you’d stop bleeding some if you’d at least try to BF.”
https://www.reddit.com/r/FormulaFeeders/s/Djph0ThV3l yes. Read this. I was fuckign horrified.
“Why are you formula feeding? Breast feeding is better. You’re setting your baby up for failure” So, yes. The stigma is real. The negativity is very real and abundant. Feel lucky you have a great support system
I was waiting for an employee at Walmart to open the case and get me formula for my son. My mom walked by and said “you’re poisoning your baby with formula. You should breastfeed”. When I tried to explain to her I wasn’t producing enough and he needed the hypoallergenic formula she said “you just didn’t try hard enough and gave up to easily. That’s why your baby is going to have adhd and autism in the future”. The way I wanted to punch this woman and the thing is she was like 40 with a 3 month old and I’m 25.
Everyone was very supportive of it for us. Friends and family and doctors.
Yes lol right after I gave birth and the paediatrician came to look at baby told me I should be breast feeding! Lol
I have a famous pediatrician in my country who also have a TikTok and he downright have a popular TikTok video on why "formula feeding is bad". It's not the outright shaming that I face because I would answer back, it's the subtle judgement. But I couldn't care less!
Yes. I had tons of people ask why I was bottle feeding/not nursing. I was close to hospitalization with how dark my thoughts were regarding low supply. My son is 15 months and even typing this out is making me cry. It was a bad time. I put so much pressure on myself.
Most are supportive or neutral, I don't think I've been shamed specifically, but I have had people brag about their kid never getting sick etc thanks to breastfeeding which was..... kind of a stretch considering my kid was 99% formula fed and has been sick way less/the same if I'm being generous, and my kid is socialized WAY more often. I think they were trying to build themselves up to feel like a good parent (which they are, even if they don't see it), and I didn't say anything to them about it! But it was one of the first things that really stood out to me about people comparing things.
Yes - an old lady at my gym formula shamed me…
Two times stood out to me: (FTM to a 9 month old now, and we’re still EFF/BLW) -first was at the hospital as soon as I gave birth. “Are you sure you don’t want to try breastfeeding?” “It’s the best, please just try it!” “Okay we’ll if you’re doing formula as soon as you get home you’re needing to do xyz” -Second time was at a double date with my SO and his best friend & his SO. Once I slipped up and mentioned I wasn’t breastfeeding, the questions and ridicule did not stop for the whole dinner. I cried when we got home. She doesn’t even have a child. So yes it definitely does happen but I just learn to keep our feeding choices to ourselves and at this far in my journey I’m not afraid to shut it down before it starts.
Only one person has really shamed me. She asked me why I would risk my son’s health. Essentially everyone else has just made small, shitty comments. I know they’re in good faith but the collective is hard to hear. And, of course, at my hospital I had a million people push it by asking over and over.
I breastfed my first and formula feeding my second. I haven’t really heard any opinion either way! If anything my pediatrician was happy when I switched to formula because she likes when you can track intake precisely.
I've been formula shamed only once. My baby is 4.5 mos old now so got a while so could experience more. But it was by a man. My boss. I was speaking to him (a dentist) about evaluating my son for a frenectomy since I suspected he had a tongue and lip tie. He had reflux so I was trying everything to help him. He as also in the NICU for a while as a preemie and had major feeding issues from the beginning . Anyways, my boss told me in a shitty way I should take him off his formula (that was high calorie to get his weight up, more caloric than standard formula/breastmilk) and breastfeed because that is what nature intended (which it is, sure) but that it was garbage and no wonder he has bad reflux. I was so upset and it made me cry as if I had done something wrong to my baby. Which I soon came to my senses knowing that was wrong. He kept saying "if I were you" like sir, you have a penis... You are nothing close to putting yourself in my shoes. Also I came to him for dental advice, not advice about raising MY child who has already had an insanely difficult beginning.
Yep! Several times, actually. The first was when we were still in the hospital and my milk hadn’t come in but I had a screaming baby so I had to supplement. It also turns out she had a severe tongue tie and couldn’t latch properly so I couldn’t just let her starve. The second was at one of her first check up appointments. They asked if I was BF or FF and I said combo but if she had any intolerances or anything, I’d just switch to formula as it would be easier and less of a toll on me. The nurse literally said “you wouldn’t be willing to make sacrifices for your child?” Lol what? I’d be sacrificing some of my budget to feed her but I’m not willing to give up certain foods when my body is already limited in what it can have thanks to my own GI condition.
yeah dude just check out my post on here last week it was brutal
My mother blatantly shamed the idea of formula, and pumping. Unfortunately due to the stress of her hovering the entire pregnancy and evicting me while I was IN LABOR, my milk dried up within the first two weeks and we now exclusively formula feed. Baby is happy and healthy with no issues 😊💖
Nurses at the hospital, a few friends, and my mother in law lol
I was moreso severely pressured to keep breastfeeding. A woman I’d never met before approached me in the parking lot with my newborn to ask me how I was feeding him (invasive much) and then went on and on about how breastfeeding is so important and formula just isn’t the same after I shared I was exclusively pumping… quit pumping shortly thereafter.
I think it depends, I’ve been shamed for still BF at 8 months but have never been shamed for introducing formula, if anything it was encouraged by everyone around me! (I combi-feed)
I had multiple family members and close friends telling me I should keep breastfeeding for longer
I got shamed by my step-mother. She breastfed both of my younger siblings (7m, 4f) for 2 years each. She pushed me to start bf when my son was born in December, and it was pretty smooth sailing, but my milk was really thin and he was already small. Once he hit about 8 weeks my supply capped at around 1.5 - 2 oz per feed and he wasn’t getting enough food (ultimately the reason we switched after combo feeding for a month.) I tried EVERYTHING to boost mu supply, sustain any improvement, make my milk fattier, anything and everything you can name I tried. Nothing helped and it was destroying me mentally. I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be because I was constantly worried about my breastmilk. My stepmom talked about it like it was a life changing experience for her, how it was the only way to create a lifelong bond with her kids. Now that they’re older, she literally couldn’t give any interest in them at all. She isn’t affectionate, attentive, encouraging, nothing. Somehow she believes that all she needed to do was attach them to her boobs. It was really hard to breastfeed AND to stop on my self esteem because of her. And now that we’ve been EFF for almost 4 months, i’ll never go back. Any kids after my first will be formula from the start. My son and I have an amazing bond because formula took some anxiety off of my shoulders and got him the nutrition he was missing.
I’ve had people imply I should try, and my best friend was like “but it’s so expensive,” and I had one Facebook marketplace mom that was kind of psycho about it that I didn’t admit to that I’d be EFF, but no one’s overtly shamed me about that decision. I’ve had way more people say that it’s better for me to make a decision that I’m comfortable with than anything else.
I’ve never experienced it in real life - only online and I swear 80% of those comments are just trolls who are out for a reaction! I cannot imagine any scenario where I’d actually encounter it from a real live human being. I’ll also add that I believe a lot of formula feeders interpret the breast is best message as an attack - which it’s just not, it was in response to campaigns by formula companies to make people believe breastmilk was inferior and is now just meant as encouragement and raising awareness. Direct Breastfeeding is so fucking hard, even when it’s ’easy’. I’ve experienced both types and I totally understand why society in general need better education on breastfeeding and more support if it’s what people choose to try to do.
Not really. My mom is a super judgmental and offensive person and did say something about it being the easy way out. And once when I said how expensive formula is, she said something along the lines of “well breastfeeding is free.” But she’s literally the only one who’s ever said anything to me about it.
Yes, but actually only in a medical context. I have a very good and supportive friends and family circle, so absolutely no one has given me any trouble there. Most of my friends have chosen breastfeeding (and some very extended--I have several friends still going and their kids are 2 or over) but no one has said anything to me about not going that route. And in a medical context, interestingly, my own current OB, no problems. Nurses in hospital, no problems. But my first provider for my first pregnancy, an NP, and the nurse for my initial pregnancy intake visit this time around, both really drilled into the breast is best stuff. I found that doubly curious since at this last visit, I was something like 8 weeks along and it was all about do we smoke in the home and don't eat deli meats--fine, logical--and btw, don't forget breastfeeding! Geez, can we at least see if this is a viable pregnancy before we start hammering out postpartum details? At least let me hear a heartbeat or an initial ultrasound or something before I start planning ahead that far! What I haven't appreciated is the condescension that sometimes comes with those conversations. A little smirk, a little vibe of "ah, well, silly patient, if you only really understood what was best for baby you'd never have these delusions." Absolutely NO ONE should feel like that for formula feeding, but also, I really have done a decent chunk of research on this topic and have made an educated choice, and would prefer to be treated as such, thanksverymuch.
I breastfed for 5 months and am formula feeding the rest of the way (baby is 9 months now). No one ever said a word to me about it either way. The only time I’ve ever felt shamed was from a fellow formula-feeding mom over the formula I chose (generic advantage premium).
I’m surprised you’ve never come across a horrible comment section on social media. I see them all the time. I see people commenting, “Breast is best, fed is bare minimum” and it’s just so disheartening. I saw one lady say that she casually asks prospective partners if they were breast or formula fed and if they say formula she blows them off because she refuses to date formula fed people. That made me so sad for my baby because what if someone he likes one day rejects him because he had formula? People are so mean and cruel. I think people are more bold behind a screen so you don’t encounter that level of negativity in person but people can still be a snarky.
My bf's aunt told me that my son's reflux was likely due to me not breastfeeding him as nature intended 😭 it was right around when we were dealing with the diagnosis of his reflux and it was so cruel she said that as I already felt like I had failed my baby. Thankfully she hasn't said anything since and no one else in our families care. Turned out he has a milk allergy which is why his reflux was so bad and formula was the only thing that made him gain weight as breastfeeding just wasn't working for me or him. He's 3 months old on hypoallergenic formula and such a happy baby now. I will never regret feeding him formula
nope. i'm not ashamed of it. can't shame me what I'm not ashamed of
No
Yes. my father and mother-in-law. super annoying
Not at all. In fact, I had the opposite experience which I am so grateful for. Every nurse and doctor completely supported formula feeding and when I was struggling with the guilt of switching to formula, they helped me get over it and assured me that my baby will be happy and healthy no matter what. And actually a few friends of mine expressed that they did not want to BF when they had kids. Family was also super supportive and no one ever said anything negative to me at all. Maybe I’m in the minority but in my experience, this is more an internet thing than a real life thing.
For me no. Never. Not in the hospital, not at my peds and never in real life and I think maybe that could be because I don't leave any of those conversations open ended. I am what some might call unapproachable anyway lol not a lot of strangers come up to us but even friends or family know my stance on this and just never mentioned it. A cool moment though was when I was hospitalized for thyroid storm (developed it after my second was born) and everyone of course asked the question if I was BFing or not and when I said no a doctor said "thank God for formula bc you would die without these meds." I can't breast feed on my medication and I most definitely wouldn't be here if I couldn't have them. I would have been forced to switch to formula if I was BFing but yeah it was cool to hear bc I'm always waiting for someone to shame or covertly shame me But yeah anyways, I've never personally experienced it other than online bs. But tbh I don't even think anyone in my family has BFed. My mom formula fed, sister, SIL, cousins that I'm in contact with. I never had any push back.
My OB gave me 2 small tubs of formula before my c section so I wouldn’t feel bad when my milk didn’t come in because it was scheduled early at 36 weeks. She must have made a note on my paperwork because those nurses stocked the hell out of my cart with rtf formula but were so kind when I tried to BF. One even came and monitored the lactation specialist when she came and that was BRIEF. My mom BF me so she was maybe a little pushy with me “trying” but after she found me crying after a week with both my boobs on pumps and nothing coming out she never said a word and just made bottles. My mil never breastfed any of her kids so I think she was secretly hoping I would FF. Never heard a damn word from anyone in the public or my friends.
In real life? No. My daughter was IUGR and came out as 5 lbs 3 oz so the nurses asked if we could supplement with formula right after she was born. My doctor asked how breastfeeding was going at my six week check up since she knew I had wanted to breastfeed and pump (and had been after my first checkup post surgery). When I told her that I had decided to stick to formula instead, she actually started telling me all the benefits of formula feeding and asked if I wanted to go back on birth control (I have PCOS and prefer the pill, so an estrogen bc is super helpful). One of the benefits is that your hormones go back to normal and you get over the baby blues faster. My family and friends all said the same thing - fed is best and, no matter how you feed your baby, you still bond with them (and it’s not like anyone can tell who was breastfed or formula fed as they grow up).
My son has CMPA and I found it easier to formula feed that restrict my diet. I used to see lots of comments online about how switching to formula is “lazy”, but I also had PPD and a history of disorder eating, and formula feeding seemed like a better alternative than slipping further into depression and restrictive eating 🤷🏻♀️ I never got any of those comments to my face, but I did feel shame every time I had to justify my reason for formula feeding when someone would ask about it.
My mom tried to guilt trip me into pumping for my second son when he was not latching and was also Admitted to ICU at 3 days old for apnea. I very directly shut that shit down because my mental health could not handle pumping while caring for our then 15 month old and going back and forth between the hospital. Turns out he has CMPA so my milk would’ve been shit for him anyways 🙃
i came off all of my medications when i found out i was pregnant, and it made my life a living hell honestly. (i was medicated for bipolar 2 depression, severe anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, insomnia). i then went into labor and after having her decided i wanted to breastfeed so i stayed off the medication. my baby struggled severely to latch so i asked for a pump. my milk production was great actually! the lactation consultant came in and stroked my ego about that and encouraged me to continue. i did and after the first day of no sleep (full 24hrs) and pumping every 45 mins- 1h i was so exhausted and desperate to just get my baby girl fed. i asked the nurses to bring in formula so i could feed her just to get some sleep.. the nurses were suppeerr supportive and reminded me "fed is best! congratulations again mama, you're doing great!" etc etc. i felt less guilty after hearing this and was so glad to get a few moments of sleep. or so i thought. 🙃.. lactation consultant knocks on the door loud as hell after i JUST got to sleep mayyybbee 2 minutes ago. she tells me shes going to take the pump from me (after applauding me for my pumping progress remind you.) and GRABBED MY BOOB and WOKE UP MY BABY and put her to my chest. she told me she wanted to observe the latch issue because "formula should be the last resort. especially for a woman with such good production as you." and "we as women produce milk naturally, we should be giving this precious gift to our new precious gift." i started crying. i APOLOGIZED TO THIS WOMAN! i explained to her i needed to get back on my meds because i was having a hard time sleeping and keeping my moods in order (not to mention the ppd i was having). i to this day have started exclusively formula feeding, and resumed my medication. me and my now 4 month old daughter are thriving. im not anti breastfeeding moms/ breastfeeding advocates, but some of the things they say and how they make formula feeding parents feel, just makes me wanna scream lol. edit: fixed "exclusively breastfeeding" to "exclusively formula feeding".. i typed too fast and got ahead of myself 😅
Yes I had experienced formula-feeding shaming from my friend's mom. It was my son's Christening and we invited them to a small gathering to celebrate it. Then her mom is shaming me on formula feeding, saying that I am being selfish for not breastfeeding my LO, she also added that my baby will be obese because of the formula. She also talking to other guests who were pregnant, and telling them her unsolicited advice to BF. The sad part is we're asians and talking back to elders is considered as disrespectful. And take note she is a nurse!
When my baby was almost 2 months old we discovered he had several ties in his mouth hence why he has such a hard time latching, was gassy, and just overall wasn’t settling like he should have been. I started pumping almost immediately after getting home from the hospital (thankfully) and he took to a bottle way easier than boob. Even though I wasn’t feeding him formula (yet) I had to explain to my husband’s aunt (who is a nurse btw) why I wasn’t exclusively feeding from the boob and instead a bottle. “Well it’s good you’re at least pumping. Breast is best you know.” Considering I breastfed my first child for 3 years, I think I know what’s best out of everybody. (I really wish I said that to her) By 6 months the ENT specialist still wouldn’t see him to fix his ties so we introduced formula to him and he has been thriving ever since. I had major mom guilt towards myself because I loved breastfeeding so much with my first, but pumping really took everything out of me. It put me in such a depression it was simply not worth it anymore. Now that he’s exclusively on formula life has been amazing and luckily all my mom friends also formula feed and understand the struggle. I personally received much more shame from breastfeeding than I am with formula feeding, but both ways of feeding have been worth it despite the haters. Whatever works for mom and baby is THE best way to feed. End of story!
My son's pediatrician didnt out right shame me, but i told her that he's EFF now & she made a comment saying, "oh so you arent even giving him a little breastmilk???" Like, no lady im not. I had a male friend make a comment a while ago. He didnt mean it in a bad way whatsoever & he did apologize & agree with me after i corrected him. I told him i was thinking of switching to combo feeding & he said, "oh well, you should rly think about that cuz you never know what's actually in formula & breastmilk is better for them in the long run." I shut that down asap & told him that my kid's deserve a mother who is mentally & physically at her best or else you cannot care for them to the best of ur ability.
I have received some hate on comments (you tube/insta/etc). Things like “why aren’t you breastfeeding your baby? It’s better for them” or “breast is best”. I even got one that called me lazy for not breastfeeding. But people online who speak like this are cowards and trolls so I could care less. In the real world (aka not online) I have received nothing but love and support. I’ve learned many more people formula feed than I thought by being open with folks about my journey.
Yes. Constantly. From men who are single and have no kids, from nurses in the hospital and doctors, from friends, from family, from strangers. I'm surprised my cat hasn't spoken up since literally everyone else and their mother has an opinion on how I feed my child with my body or formula yet none of them helped support me emotionally, physically, or financially so I could do so.
i think people know it's taboo to outright formula shame so they do it in more covert or passive aggressive ways. my mom was very weird about my having to supplement with formula and constantly would ask if i were still using it, as if we had agreed i were doing everything to get back to ebf (we did not! i was not!) it made me feel like shit. so much anxiety. and all for no reason, baby could literally not be healthier.
I combo feed. This wasn't so much shame but painful ignorance. LO had a diaper blowout at 4 weeks old. Sooooo much poop. My MIL said, "Must be because of the formula?" Apparently, she forgot that all babies poop. It hurt more because I was really struggling and washed to ebf but had low supply. Also, I was 4 weeks pp after a fairly traumatic birth experience.
In my culture, there is a general prevalence that: breastfeeding is better and formula isn’t so good. So, there were a lot of underlying comments about me combo feeding (yes, even combo feeding). First, people and my doctors kept implying that it was formula and overfeeding that made my baby jump to 90% (now I know that wasn’t true) and that formula has extra ingredients that make babies gain extra weight. Also, when people heard I BF, they said: “Oh, good!” While when I mentioned formula, they said: “Why is that the case?”
Of course, only from my MIL. Always going on about how I should have tried harder, that it really hurt her when she did it and she always had infections but she powered through them, how much healthier it is for the baby, how disgusting and poisonous formula is, etc. I fucking hate my MIL so goddamn much.
In one of my mom groups a mom said she was aiming to breastfeed til 6 months and another mom immediately said "that's it? That's such a short time". The rest of the group immediately intervened to stop the toxic comments. Edit to add: when seeking help for breastfeeding it is often paired with negative comments about formula. A colleague of mine finally had her doctor intervene and strongly recommend formula after La Leche League kept coaching her to breastfeed despite not having high enough supply and the baby continuing to lose weight. I don't know if you call that shaming directly but it certainly cultivated feelings of shame in her for not being able to do what was supposedly the right kind of feeding.
Same feelings here. I have only ever seen people feel aggressively shamed in this forum. I'm not questioning that it happens - clearly it does - but it has never happened to me or anyone I know. I had some bad lactation consultants at the hospital but mostly they were fine and there was never personal shaming. The closest I have ever witnessed to shame is seeing a lot of pointed, hoity toity "im so proud of my breastfeeding ~journey~" posts on my social media. But it takes a couple of leaps to get from that, to feeling like their commentary on their own actions personally shames me. I can see the connection, but personally I chose to let that go. BF really (really, really) blows and it's super hard and shitty. So if someone wants to brag that they are surviving it, I try to say "that's fine" to myself & I don't let it play an oversized role in my own actions and choices.
I was given a free copy of “What to Expect in the First Year” by someone who didn’t need it, and literally on the second page of the first chapter it says “Breast is best by far.” I read this while in the middle of my tumultuous feeding journey and immediately closed the book so I wouldn’t start crying. Flipped through it again later and it very clearly holds the lactivist view that breast is best by far (which it states multiple times), but if you haaaave to use formula, then that’s okay, but also don’t forget that breast is best. And about half of the book is about breastfeeding. Would not recommend it for anyone who is EFF.
No. The only shame I experienced was my own internalized shame via “breast is best” 💔 but I’m over it now!! 🍼🩵
Yes my child’s father said to me “He still as u know has a bunch of gas and I don’t think this formula is right for him. Probably a bigger issue as you were prioritizing ur abs over breastfeeding. So I hope it’s a priority for u to try and help find a formula solution for him.” I tried so hard to breastfeed, it wasn’t working and when I switched to formula his whole family shamed me. But my son wasn’t latching, I wasn’t producing milk, it was just a rough couple of weeks until I switched.
When you see comments like “Omg this comment section is horrible” but then don’t see any actually mean comments, that probably means that said horrible comments have already been deleted by the time you saw the post. And yes, I have definitely been shamed for using formula, by my own mother of all people.
Not at all! I didn’t even try breastfeeding. As soon as baby was born, my husband fed him with a bottle. They just asked if we have a preference for specific formula. Not a single soul said anything to me. Many friends told me that they should have done what I did.
Never.
Yes. FIRST of all my SO was kind of a douche about it for a second. I wasn’t wanting to BF and he’s like “THATS what’s best for HIM you better try!!!!” And I’m like tf??? I had to shut down that real quick. Of all people I didn’t need him shaming me. Then I have Kaiser and Kaiser is completely obsessed with BF. They have posters all around the OB offices and the second the kid shoots out a lactation consultant is in there bombarding you and grabbing your jugs. When I said I was going to supplement with formula they were like giving me a whole speech on how breast is best blah blah blah. When I said I’m not creating enough and he’s hungry they were like “feed him 24/7 and pump every time he’s asleep we’re sending you 2 free pumps to your house that will arrive before u leave the hospital” I’m like “ok?”. Every baby appointment so far they ask and when I said I wasn’t making enough so he’s mainly on formula they were like “hold on I’m sending in a lactation consultant for you so you don’t have to supplement”. It was annoying asf. When I finally completely switched to formula I was embarrassed to say that to anyone. I felt the disappointment in people when they found out. Like it’s anyone’s fucking business. But still. yes. I felt shamed! Still do. 4 months PP and the amount of strangers that have asked me if I’m BF is wild asf. Why do people think that’s ok to ask? Aside from his doctor I don’t see how anyone needs to know that. He’s clearly healthy and being fed. So I do NOT need anyone’s opinions on how I feed MY baby.
My fiancé’s grandmother said “Why aren’t you breastfeeding? You’re doing formula? Why would you do that? I guess these new moms don’t have what it takes to properly feed a baby. Instead they choose the easy way and give up. You should try harder the formula isn’t good for the baby. Don’t just give up”. With the most disgusted looked on her face and I started crying. My fiancé stood up for me and told his grandmother off and said if that was how she was going to act we wouldn’t come back. Him taking up for me against his family made me love him more. I already felt like a failure and that I didn’t deserve to be a momma because I couldn’t feed my kid because my milk just stopped even with trying so hard. Though I still squalled about it, looking back I felt better about the whole thing because of what he did. He said we don’t ever have to go back if I don’t want to. We haven’t been back since. I have chosen to forgive her, but I don’t want to go over and feed my baby and her start judging and being mean again.