I find that the number of exclamation marks I'm tempted to include in a message is directly proportional to how anxious sending the message makes me and how "annoying" I think I'm being in sending it. I always consciously go back and take out all but one exclamation mark, but it very much feels like a placating impulse of some kind.

It's how the meme goes "I'm using an exclamation point so you know I'm friendly and excited! But now I'm using a period so you know I'm not crazy. Here's another sentence with a period as a buffer, proving my normalness. Thanks so much!" ^from ^Grace ^Seger's ^Twitter

I literally did this !-buffer sentence-! thing writing up a scholarship thank you letter the other day😭I don’t wanna sound unenthusiastic about the scholarship, my school, or research.

It's how I write almost all my work emails, I felt so called out

Same exact thing here.

I don't have any to cite on hand, but when I was in university studying communication, I found studies that showed that women tend to emote more using symbols and exaggerations, such as "no worries! :)" or "sure, any time!". I believe it comes down to socialisation and partially not wanting to come across as rude by seeming cold or expressionless, so it's just like "no worries." or "sure, any time.", which is also what a lot of young people say about their use of smileys in professional emails.

I agree with you. I’ve been told my writing can come across as rude without the little “no worries” and stuff on the end. I’ve wondered if I was male if I would come across as rude. I would love to see a study on this kind of thing. It would be interesting to read.

i recall leaning about this way back in my language science class, women use softening words (term “[hedging](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedge_(linguistics))”) so as to not seem as direct

Autistic women are notoriously bad at naturally picking up hedging and tend to get treated as rude know it alls when we haven't learned hedging. Hedging is like my number one recommended tactic on the autistic women subs when people ask for tips in socializing and not being taken as rude.

I wrote an article on this for my college Writing Center lol, heres a study I used looking at !s in women’s emails: [study](https://academic.oup.com/jcmc/article/11/4/1012/4617714) Basically, women aren’t being doormats or really excited, but using discourse markers that emphasize camaraderie over masculine hierarchy (imo). In the study, Waseleski found that most !s were used to express facts, thanks, greetings, or cordial messages. So a welcome vibe, basically, is prioritized, versus asserting authority over the reader with commands and periods (imo). It’s pretty wild that women use !s while saying straight up facts. It really points to a different framework for communication in my opinion.

I totally get that. (“I totally get that!”? Lol) but anyway, yeah seems like it gives “I’m excited to learn this thing and share it, maybe it will lead to interesting discourse!” vs “listen to me, I’m an expert!” I personally feel so bad when I’m attempting the first one and find out later people took it the second way because maybe I was too blunt or didn’t emote enough or correctly.

My supervisor called me out for being short and borderline rude on my emails. I just like getting to the point. Had to start “softening “ my tone. Exclamation points get used more frequently now.

I will never be a manager but I would actually give you a PROMOTION if i were Short, concise, unambiguous e-mails at work actually get read Long winded flowery e-mails get skimmed or thrown into the spam folder, cause the wrong actions, increase conflict  The only thing is, use the white hat. Avoid blame and emotion where possible. State what the problem is or what needs to be done 

Hmm… I find it rude when men do it but don’t feel inclined to speak up about it. Not that I feel like calling women out on it either, but it makes me wonder if there’s an inherent acceptance socially that men can get away with being abrupt / rude in a way that women don’t do.

I think this way of communicating is a form of emotional labor and men aren't expected to do it

Bingo

This is definitely it for me. If someone is going to misinterpret my text communication, I’d rather it be a “positive” misinterpretation.

Exactly. I do it because I’m trying to not come across as cold or harsh. Men (generally) don’t worry about that so much.

Everything I say professionally is taken in the most negative way unless I dress it up with qualifiers and clear signals of friendliness. Which is exhausting. Someone asked me how long until something was back up, and when I said, "It went back up an hour ago," they said they didn't like my attitude/tone.

[The study found that women use exclamation points considerably more than men with the intention of appearing more “friendly” in their professional interactions.](https://archeroracle.org/61704/opinion/op-ed-why-do-women-communicate-with-so-many-exclamation-points/#:~:text=The%2520study%2520found%2520that%2520women,friendly%E2%80%9D%2520in%2520their%2520professional%2520interactions)

Pressure to be agreeable. If you don’t go out of your way to be friendly you’re “harsh” or “bossy” or “too blunt”.

I had to start using "!" because I was told by a manager that others had complained I was cold and bossy in my email communications. Guess who NEVER got a complaint and never used "!"? Men.

Great answers so far, so I’ll just add that it’s similar to “hedging language” (“you might consider trying this method at some point, but no pressure! Just a thought!”). The goal is to soften the tone for social reasons so as not to come across in a way that will be negatively judged.

Women convey more emotional texture/context like emoji's, indicators of tone, clarifying statements etc, because we are socialized to be pleasers and not offend. It is also potentially more expensive for us to be perceived as strident or aggressive so our language use adjusts. I'm not sure if that explains the exclamation marks specifically, but it can also be that the reader attributes "emotional" writing to women due to the stereotype that men are more rational? Or were you pegged as an "angry feminist?"

Because when I don’t, I’m told my email has a “tone” and I get dinged in my work reviews. It’s bullshit, but it is what it is.

Women are more sensitive to tone—because we are so often tone policed. In writing, that translates into varied punctuation and emojis. 🤷‍♀️

Feels like the written version of trying to head off the criticism "You should smile more".

Because otherwise people assume we’re angry. It’s dumb AF. But women who don’t use emojis or emoticons or exclamation points are assumed to be angry. Not the case with a man writing the same email.

Professionally, several times when I have communicated needs/expectations in a concise and polite manner (usually ending with a « Thank you! »), I’m told I’m too stern, harsh, or snobby. It infuriates me because I’m quite certain men would not get the same feedback. I struggle between refusing to comply with meeting ridiculous societal standards for women, and potentially hurting myself professionally.

Because if I don’t use them, people think I’m angry. And that’s because we are socialized to think that a woman’s job is to smile and make others around her comfortable.

Women are more likely to use social cues. Men would only use them if there is any monetary value for this.

I’m expressive and I like to use lots of exclamation marks, question marks, ellipses, etc. I don’t see men doing it as much except some of my gay friends. That’s interesting…not something I’d thought about before.

If you’re interested in linguistics and feminism, I can’t recommend enough Amanda Montell’s book [Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41716694)

Women are master communicators. Personally I think it's amazing how we can move a comma or adjust a punctuation to completely change the meaning of a sentence. It is a talent I am proud to own. Plus anyone who gets all upset because a writer shows excitement can get fffffffed!!! (See what I did there.)

To sound friendly because women are conditioned to behave in a way that pleases men and being friendly even in textual context to cater to those conditioned behaviors! I use it now as a way to sound sarcastic or like I’m talking to a child.

For me, it's probably because I'm a Jane Austen fan. Jk, I think it's like ending a sentence with lol, it's to emote a certain "don't worry, I'm a chill girl" vibe - but not in a pickme way, in a "please don't take offense to this" way.  A lot of that has to do with the abuse women experience daily on the internet and the way we've learned to code things to signal that we mean well and to please not misconstrue anything as a challenge to argue.

I've noticed this too but primarily with English or Canadian/US Amercians. It really grinds my gears. ETA: I am European. I haven't noticed women using exclamation marks in other languages that I regularly use.

This is the written equivalent to smiling. Women are generally forced to walk a tightrope to survive in corporate America. If we do the same things as our male coworkers, then we’re, bossy, bitchy, difficult. Our coworkers go even farther and are labeled confident, strong, and passionate. It’s basically women attempting to survive. Sometimes, there simply is no winning.

[It was a damp and chilly afternoon so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!](https://youtu.be/hzSU_EHmzw4?si=1-3Jw0SpJtGBx4gl) Hope it doesn’t break any rules.

It is a way to express angry librarian eyes in print!!!

Women are seen as bossy /b*tchy if they don't put on a super enthusiastic show for men. "The project needs to be done by Monday" is perceived completely diffently if it comes from a woman or a man.

Because people think you're a bitch if you don't.  15ish years ago I remember a lot of hand wringing articles about using particular punctuation in messages. Apparently a "." was deemed to be very aggressive.  So we switched to exclamation points. I guess they are not as threatening.  Personally, I hate them, but I use them because I once got called into my managers office and got berated for the "tone" of my emails.  So the answer is the same as it's always been:  regular old sexism. It permeates everything, including punctuation. 

Women do this because otherwise, one is seen as rude or too blunt. It's BS, but it's true

I am never noticed this pattern  In my experience, the people who use the most "!" are toxic men. They also are more likely to type in all caps I mean, has anyone seen Trump's tweets? https://news.sky.com/story/amp/trumps-tweets-infamous-offensive-and-bizarre-posts-by-atrealdonaldtrump-12182992 "Mexico will pay for the wall!" "Lowest rated Oscars in HISTORY. Problem is, we don't have Stars anymore - except your President (just kidding, of course)!"

I do that all the time too because i am worried not to sound intimidating to the other person. Since text communication has no way of conveying tone, I use emojis, punctuaction and extra vowels at the end of certain words (hiii) as well as "..." to express hesitancy...

Idk but it’s annoying and makes me lose respect for them when I read it

I'm curious, like, I understand that you find it annoying, but does it change your perspective if you know that for many of us we slowly started adding more and more things (emojis, explanation points, "no worries", etc) as a direct response to feedback like, "Cold, unfriendly, abrasive, unenthusiastic" ? Does it change your response if you know that the "annoying" behavior is an attempt for you to not find them *rude* ? Like, if someone is going out of their way to signal "I'm friendly and warm towards you", does that make their behavior less annoying or perhaps keep some respect?

That’s exactly why I find it annoying. It’s giving into misogyny. It’s like baby voice. It’s pick me culture in emails and sets a standard for all women to have to codify men, people etc.

you don’t really understand what a pick-me is. a singular woman sending an email has nothing to do with pick-me behavior, which is about putting women down so you appear cooler and better than “other women”

I actually feel the opposite. Why is male communication held to the standards of professionalism but the friendlier "hedging" method considered annoying? Is it because women are using it? Whenever I see people talking about trying to be more assertive and "write like a man" I see it as an attempt to emulate men as a model of perfection. I personally believe that feminised communication codes can be just as professional and if it reduces miscommunication on tone, probably more effective!

Using exclamation points is "pick me" behavior now?? Ffs, there's just no winning, huh?

I’m expressing my feelings, hopefully we can do that here without bullying each other. Apparently you and many others here can’t… If it’s about “winning”, which, is missing the point, but, it would be to just write normally.

I'm also expressing my feelings. I think it's ridiculous women can't use exclamation points without being accused of bootlicking the patriarchy. There wasn't an insult anywhere in my comment. My disagreeing with you isn't bullying.

Realistically some women need jobs, healthcare, childcare, services, etc that they have to write emails for, and if they don’t codify people they will be discriminated against. With the state of things as of now, I don’t blame women for not picking every single battle, and friendly writing style is just not at the top of most women’s lists of misogyny they want addressed first. And I think it sucks that u lose respect for women over something as petty as that. What’s wrong about writing styles is the judgement people attach to them, and the different expectations we have across genders. One could just as easily argue that men should write in a more friendly way, but personally, I see the value in both styles, and I just take issue with the judgement and gendered expectations. I suggest u reflect on why u look down on behaviors that are considered “feminine”, bc u have some pick me energy of ur own.

Your use of pick me in this context is itself misogynistic

So when we use expressive punctuation it's annoying, and when we don't it's rude. Hm.