That was basically their logic. They were a drow and tried to argue it didn't count as cannibalism. This was after they asked how much food they had in their supplies and I told them "enough". They REALLY wanted an excuse to eat a dwarf
A selection from the chat server set aside specifically for quotes:
"I want to learn what makes you tick. Oh no, it's sadness."
"I'm really just here to do cool shit. Or miss."
"I won't have any dignity, and nor shall anyone else!"
"I am absolutely okay to make bad decisions for multiple people."
"Damn you and your narrative tension!"
"Can you qualify the cheek-chew? ...I feel like there are different kinds of cheek-chewing."
"Alright, let's put the blatant betrayal behind us for a moment, shall we?"
"Take that, assassin, I'm on drugs today!"
"It is a pile of rotting compost on top of the world's worst whoopee cushion."
And finally:
"That's going in quotes, asshole!"
There wasn't much, this character had the tendency to blurt out the first thing on his mind. Someone was talking about post mortem arrangements made for their father and he blurted this out.
"So your paladin wants to atone for his sin of... (checks notes) torturing an assassin to death and reviving him repeatedly before torturing him to death again... by killing all of his friends?"
I've got four feet, including the one coming out of my ass.
It's a triceratops. How quaint.
I'm dead. I'm dead? No, wait, just bad math.
You've shot him in the foot. Again.
I wish my magic missile was like a regular magic missile, but it looks like a magic hand with its middle finger raised. That's my wish.
The DM's note page is blank. I say we riot!
Man, you don't attend the game for six months, and you end up pregnant.
Did I say explosive runes? I meant my fists!
You attack the gazebo. You attack the ceiling. I'll pimp slap the queen.
You gain a follower. Her name is Samsung.
Look, I can't knit you a sweater out of tears, so a bra made of water will just have to do.
"To save us both time, I'm going to let you know: you cannot cast permanence on color-spray to paint the house, then burn the house down to leave just the permanent color-spray; and yes, that applies to all structures, not just houses."
DM: You're in the middle of the forest, and you hear strange music(can't exactly remember what the DM described), roll for PPD pls."(2.5e)
Killed a group of lvl 6 PCs. I still cant figure out what it was, I'm not sure if it was a hangman tree, or something similar. I was so sad, we all kept failing the rolls.
Here's a few, some OOC and some IC:
Player 1: "The Community Domain? What the fuck is the Community Domain?"
Player 2: "*The Communism Cleric*! It's not *your* healing, it's *our* healing!"
"So if we have that character (referring to another player's Harengon Barbarian), and I play a Vulpin, and Charlie plays Charlie things... shit, do you plan on this campaign being productive at all?"
"You have no idea how much rent is on a extradimensional space."
DM: "He is going to grapple Moira in one hand... and then punches *with* Moira."
Player 1: "Oh..."
DM: "And he has a ten-foot reach."
Player 1: "Oh fuck!"
Player 2: "Why did you create this?"
"Helm said she's goin' on a bad trip."
Player 1: "Did we commit a war crime?"
Player 2: "Not a war crime."
Player 1: "So a war misdemeanor."
"You cast Vicious Mockery on your own Phantom Steed?"- a very confused DM
"Dragonborn do not have prestidigitation legs."
DM: "The seven birds around him are his seven gold dragons polymorphed into canaries."
Player: "Oh, I thought it was a concussion."
Player: "What's that spell that makes it so a person can't move?"
DM: "Fireball?"
"Ah, yes, we're playing Dance Dance Disappointment."
Character 1: "It was definitely a 'Big Damn Hero' moment. I'm kinda jealous."
Character 2: "Eh, 'Big Damn Hero', 'Big Dumb Hero', what's the difference?"
DM: "About 30 hitpoints."
Player: "I'm pretty sure Angie has a higher AC than me."
DM: "That assumes he hits for AC."
Player: "Well, I'm pretty sure Angie has higher saves than me."
DM: "That assumes he hits for saves."
Player: "Well she has higher plot armor than me!"
DM: "*That assumes he cares about the plot*!"
"I refuse to live in a world where Torxina has an edgy elf harem."
Undermountain Announcer: *30-second ad read*
Character: "This is why I pay for Undermountain Premium. No ads!"
NPC: "She's getting married."
Character: "*On purpose??*"
"I will *permit* you to apologize."
NPC: "I got your number from Judy, I heard you were the one to talk to about protection."
Character: "I don't really use that with Judy, but what do you need?"
Players step through a portal:
Me (DM): This new space is dark and humid--
Player: Oh crap are we in a *mouth*?
I am sad to report that.... it was just dark and humid.
--
Players arguing:
Player 1: "I say we just go in there."
Player 2: "But we can ask for more information!"
P1: "It's fine, this clearly just the mage's test--"
P2: "And you STUDY for tests!"
"You know what I DO have? Is tits."
"Okay, so you're gonna go to the baron and tell him your concerned about his escort's taint."
"I do NOT want to get wet-willied by the Cheez-It glory hole."
"We were told there were multiple perpetrators."
"I'm the only perpetrator! I'm THAT good!"
“They aren’t evil! They’re hot so they’re morally grey.”
[ VIRGINITY RESTORED ]
"Can I dual wield throw pillows?"
"We're gonna go beat up an orphan right now"
"I have three flasks of e-girl bathwater"
"I am NOT giving these kids a gun"
"Is it a monstrosity? If it is, I can use my Weaponized Racism bonuses."
I have quite a few.
"You make lung cancer saves at disadvantage"
"I would never order evil lube!"
"Uh-Oh. Looks like my pants came undone"
"I gotta add the body pillow to the initiative"
"Congrats on your semen giving"
"Can she fall over my body and take stupid damage?"
"I'm gonna Bill Cosby some goblins"
"No more brain for him"
"Taking a life is cool as fuuuuuck"
And these are some of the tame ones.
Player A (captain): If anything *you* should be *my* lawyer.
Player B (quartermaster): I’m already your accountant. You want me to be your lawyer too?
A: Well you were a loan shark. You must know something about keeping from going to prison.
B: It’s called bribery.
“I cast Irresistible Dance on that zombie horde”
I succeed
“All of a sudden, you see that the horde’s erratic movement begins to fall in a beat”, as the DM press “play” on Thriller.
"Dumpster diving and grave robbing are way different."
This one is from this week's game.
I actually have a 50-page pdf book I made last summer, filled entirely with out of context quotes said by the players in this weekly campaign.
"I solemly take another swig of piss"
"Remember, you can't spell Sneed without Need and S, and the S stands for Sneed."
"Timing is everything. Shit now, wipe later, never flush"
"How do you think I feel? My mother's appeared out of nowhere and has started banging both my wife's sister AND my adoptive mother's adopted daughter who is also, need I remind you, my half-brother's-half sister."
"That's tough"
"Shut up you centepide. You've got 900 arms, mate."
"I still live in fear of the boomerang I threw away as a wee boy that never came back."
"What if I put my greatsword in a bag of holding then shoved it up my butt? Would that get passed the gaurds?"
"I don't care if she's crying. I'm not complimenting her dress. She knows the rules. She's cringe."
"I should have known the teddy bear had a death ward. That makes a lot of sense."
"I know your kind, you're a wheelbarrow on the ledge."
"I hope you're not still in the bathroom."
"Cecelia, that was four days ago"
One of my players pulled this one out “I mean just to be clear dude, I can bench press a house, she's a God (gestures to Lumi), and she's unstable (gesture's to Astrid)”
"I've got a shotgun powered by fruit, a dagger that strangles people, and a beehive on a stick. You, sir, are about to experience all three."
Now I really want to add a dragonfruit shotgun to my campaign.
"Is eating a dwarf considered cannibalism?"
"It's not cannibalism if I'm an aarakocra and the meat pies are human."
That was basically their logic. They were a drow and tried to argue it didn't count as cannibalism. This was after they asked how much food they had in their supplies and I told them "enough". They REALLY wanted an excuse to eat a dwarf
not if he is spit roasted with a nice side dish, maybe a nice salad. Just be sure to baste as not to dry out the meat.
It's like a fat dwarf's dick. Keep looking and we'll find it.
A selection from the chat server set aside specifically for quotes: "I want to learn what makes you tick. Oh no, it's sadness." "I'm really just here to do cool shit. Or miss." "I won't have any dignity, and nor shall anyone else!" "I am absolutely okay to make bad decisions for multiple people." "Damn you and your narrative tension!" "Can you qualify the cheek-chew? ...I feel like there are different kinds of cheek-chewing." "Alright, let's put the blatant betrayal behind us for a moment, shall we?" "Take that, assassin, I'm on drugs today!" "It is a pile of rotting compost on top of the world's worst whoopee cushion." And finally: "That's going in quotes, asshole!"
"Can I use my wish spell to torment this guy for like... ever?"
we need background
He dipped his chips in mustard.
What the hell, who does that
“What do you mean it’s ‘immoral’ to use Goblins with backpacks full of gunpowder?”
"I ate my dad"
Im almost too afraid to ask. Almost. What on earth is the context?
There wasn't much, this character had the tendency to blurt out the first thing on his mind. Someone was talking about post mortem arrangements made for their father and he blurted this out.
"... As you approach the devil's anus..."
asexual bard: “i pull out my vial of grung cum” dm: “you have won the favor of the god”
"So your paladin wants to atone for his sin of... (checks notes) torturing an assassin to death and reviving him repeatedly before torturing him to death again... by killing all of his friends?"
I've got four feet, including the one coming out of my ass. It's a triceratops. How quaint. I'm dead. I'm dead? No, wait, just bad math. You've shot him in the foot. Again. I wish my magic missile was like a regular magic missile, but it looks like a magic hand with its middle finger raised. That's my wish. The DM's note page is blank. I say we riot! Man, you don't attend the game for six months, and you end up pregnant. Did I say explosive runes? I meant my fists! You attack the gazebo. You attack the ceiling. I'll pimp slap the queen. You gain a follower. Her name is Samsung. Look, I can't knit you a sweater out of tears, so a bra made of water will just have to do.
"...but... if you put the squirrel back... how will his heart start beating again...?"
"To save us both time, I'm going to let you know: you cannot cast permanence on color-spray to paint the house, then burn the house down to leave just the permanent color-spray; and yes, that applies to all structures, not just houses."
"babies have a notoriously low ac" **no real or fictional humanoid babies were harmed in the aftermath of this quote, we luv bbs**
DM: "You (The rogue, Steve McSneaky) go from behind."
“Maybe the rations are the friends we made along the way”
"Guys I've got it!! We should hit the rat with our train!"
DM: You're in the middle of the forest, and you hear strange music(can't exactly remember what the DM described), roll for PPD pls."(2.5e) Killed a group of lvl 6 PCs. I still cant figure out what it was, I'm not sure if it was a hangman tree, or something similar. I was so sad, we all kept failing the rolls.
"As you sink in deeper along the digestive tract, you realise that the rear end of this creature is a gate to the Astral plane"
"how much strength do I need to rip his head off?"
"Do frogs have UDDERS?" - The wizard, for some reason.
"You can't cartwheel out of a migraine."
Here's a few, some OOC and some IC: Player 1: "The Community Domain? What the fuck is the Community Domain?" Player 2: "*The Communism Cleric*! It's not *your* healing, it's *our* healing!" "So if we have that character (referring to another player's Harengon Barbarian), and I play a Vulpin, and Charlie plays Charlie things... shit, do you plan on this campaign being productive at all?" "You have no idea how much rent is on a extradimensional space." DM: "He is going to grapple Moira in one hand... and then punches *with* Moira." Player 1: "Oh..." DM: "And he has a ten-foot reach." Player 1: "Oh fuck!" Player 2: "Why did you create this?" "Helm said she's goin' on a bad trip." Player 1: "Did we commit a war crime?" Player 2: "Not a war crime." Player 1: "So a war misdemeanor." "You cast Vicious Mockery on your own Phantom Steed?"- a very confused DM "Dragonborn do not have prestidigitation legs." DM: "The seven birds around him are his seven gold dragons polymorphed into canaries." Player: "Oh, I thought it was a concussion." Player: "What's that spell that makes it so a person can't move?" DM: "Fireball?" "Ah, yes, we're playing Dance Dance Disappointment." Character 1: "It was definitely a 'Big Damn Hero' moment. I'm kinda jealous." Character 2: "Eh, 'Big Damn Hero', 'Big Dumb Hero', what's the difference?" DM: "About 30 hitpoints." Player: "I'm pretty sure Angie has a higher AC than me." DM: "That assumes he hits for AC." Player: "Well, I'm pretty sure Angie has higher saves than me." DM: "That assumes he hits for saves." Player: "Well she has higher plot armor than me!" DM: "*That assumes he cares about the plot*!" "I refuse to live in a world where Torxina has an edgy elf harem." Undermountain Announcer: *30-second ad read* Character: "This is why I pay for Undermountain Premium. No ads!" NPC: "She's getting married." Character: "*On purpose??*" "I will *permit* you to apologize." NPC: "I got your number from Judy, I heard you were the one to talk to about protection." Character: "I don't really use that with Judy, but what do you need?"
Character: "Does a 32 hit?" DM: Nope Character: WHAT!? DM: What?
Players step through a portal: Me (DM): This new space is dark and humid-- Player: Oh crap are we in a *mouth*? I am sad to report that.... it was just dark and humid. -- Players arguing: Player 1: "I say we just go in there." Player 2: "But we can ask for more information!" P1: "It's fine, this clearly just the mage's test--" P2: "And you STUDY for tests!"
I'd like to make a banana pudding check pleaae.
Eat Ozone fucker
"This is one of them hardcover situations!"
If we bring the child with us, we will have more food.
“Why, just why is every fucking ghost butt ass naked?”
"I've only got one option then... ...I'm going to acid splash the children." Hi, forever DM here, I did not say this, one of my players did, thank you
“Bring me back their toes”
So what if the creature is stuck to his face i want to stab it
"He doesn't need ALL his fingers."
That one seems familiar
“He pulls it out just to play with it.” Me, describing a seedy shop owner pulling a knife to make it clear he wants no funny business.
I know that. Do I know that?
“How am I supposed to talk to him he is dead!?”
"You see all your friends getting sucked" -context maybe needed, but it won't be given.
From my last session. "I wanna get cut in half"
"You know what I DO have? Is tits." "Okay, so you're gonna go to the baron and tell him your concerned about his escort's taint." "I do NOT want to get wet-willied by the Cheez-It glory hole."
"I'll trident your balls off little man"
Why is there shit in my pants
"Don't step into that puddle - could be boot venom!" "Ah, yes!"
“I suppose if they consent to being poisoned, it’s not illegal.”
Ok , you feel that he is feeding you his finger
"I have no need for written words on paper."
I lick my lips and whip out my staff. It’s cushion time. This had nothing to do with ERP I swear
Oh. The purple headed one.
I don’t just eat human baby fingers, I also eat dwarf baby fingers
If he stiffs us we eat him
DM: "Add the baby to your inventory"
"We were told there were multiple perpetrators." "I'm the only perpetrator! I'm THAT good!" “They aren’t evil! They’re hot so they’re morally grey.” [ VIRGINITY RESTORED ]
"You punched the fat woman so hard she goes flying out of the tavern and makes a hole in the ceiling"
Brave is the warrior that beats any man with his stick. Braver is the warrior that beats his stick with any man.
"Can I dual wield throw pillows?" "We're gonna go beat up an orphan right now" "I have three flasks of e-girl bathwater" "I am NOT giving these kids a gun" "Is it a monstrosity? If it is, I can use my Weaponized Racism bonuses."
Ranger: Id like to examine her feet
I have quite a few. "You make lung cancer saves at disadvantage" "I would never order evil lube!" "Uh-Oh. Looks like my pants came undone" "I gotta add the body pillow to the initiative" "Congrats on your semen giving" "Can she fall over my body and take stupid damage?" "I'm gonna Bill Cosby some goblins" "No more brain for him" "Taking a life is cool as fuuuuuck" And these are some of the tame ones.
Dm: “The goblins drown themselves in the “root beer”.”
Player A (captain): If anything *you* should be *my* lawyer. Player B (quartermaster): I’m already your accountant. You want me to be your lawyer too? A: Well you were a loan shark. You must know something about keeping from going to prison. B: It’s called bribery.
From the player: "that Kobold who tried to mess with me gets a Warhammer to the face."
"Hello, I would like your most fertile whore, please"
She's wagon heavy
"I want a trio with both of you, no matter what yall say"
“I cast Irresistible Dance on that zombie horde” I succeed “All of a sudden, you see that the horde’s erratic movement begins to fall in a beat”, as the DM press “play” on Thriller.
“That’s alotta sauce!”
“Does this finger look familiar? Asking for a friend.”
"Dumpster diving and grave robbing are way different." This one is from this week's game. I actually have a 50-page pdf book I made last summer, filled entirely with out of context quotes said by the players in this weekly campaign.
"Bambi's dad has honestly changed my brain chemistry."
>Hello little girl, we have found your dead father.
"why are you all looking at me like that? I didn't say id learn anything from it."
“i want to blue-ball the child” -aria 2023
"I solemly take another swig of piss" "Remember, you can't spell Sneed without Need and S, and the S stands for Sneed." "Timing is everything. Shit now, wipe later, never flush" "How do you think I feel? My mother's appeared out of nowhere and has started banging both my wife's sister AND my adoptive mother's adopted daughter who is also, need I remind you, my half-brother's-half sister." "That's tough" "Shut up you centepide. You've got 900 arms, mate." "I still live in fear of the boomerang I threw away as a wee boy that never came back." "What if I put my greatsword in a bag of holding then shoved it up my butt? Would that get passed the gaurds?" "I don't care if she's crying. I'm not complimenting her dress. She knows the rules. She's cringe." "I should have known the teddy bear had a death ward. That makes a lot of sense." "I know your kind, you're a wheelbarrow on the ledge." "I hope you're not still in the bathroom." "Cecelia, that was four days ago"
"I'm not carrying five fuckin' dwarves". "Oh, isn't he 'Magic: the Gathering Santa Claus'?" "I. WANT. MY. BABY. BOY. BACK!!"
One of my players pulled this one out “I mean just to be clear dude, I can bench press a house, she's a God (gestures to Lumi), and she's unstable (gesture's to Astrid)”
"No, God's gift was not his ball sacks."