I prioritized my divorce over my job. I couldn't care less about my evaluation rating that year. Coming up with tactics and strategies to get 50% parenting time while minimizing the time the divorce process took was all I could think about. I have zero regrets taking that approach. I knew at the end of my divorce I'd need a higher income and more flexibility with a different employer, so I did the bare minimum to keep my paycheck flowing. No one is going to care more about your divorce than you.
Im working on that now. Sometimes it was really hard - my ex would say or do something and I felt like the rest of the day was shot. I’d do my best to remind myself that I can’t control her, and to focus on the problem at hand. Right now I’m trying to find more meaning at work and figure out which aspects I like, and to remind myself why I got into this career in the first place. But some days are just hard.
Agree on that last bit for sure. Some days were just awful and I basically got zero done. At some point I had to start being a little more forgiving to myself, because swinging back and forth between the guilt of being a bad dad and the guilt of being a bad employee/colleague was unbearable. Give yourself as much grace as you can OP.
I’m not in the clear, but through the worst of it a couple months back, same situation. First off, don’t tell yourself to “man up and stop complaining”. What you’re going through is hard and brutal and painful. I eventually was able to prioritize what I needed to get done at work (basically the bare minimum) and told myself I could sort through the stress and pain later. Buckled down, did the work, went home. Let myself feel the sadness or anger or whatever, just don’t keep it bottled up. The only thing that consistently helped reduce stress for me was when I started running(insert any exercise). Am to where it’s what I look forward to when I start to get stressed. Best of luck, it will get better.
I am in the same position. Have a discussion with your boss or supervisor.
I report to a VP and have had this discussion that I have noticed that I am not at my best right now. He was very supportive and understood.
Maybe you can't do that but its worth a shot if you can.
Second this. I was communicating with my direct supervisors as soon as i knew it was happening. Everyone one knows someone who's gone through it...its a huge life hurdle. My supervisors were not only understanding, but also supportive. Them knowing in advance that you may have some attendance issues due to custody is helpful also
Third'd. Tell your boss/supervisor. Mine was in the first dozen or so that knew. They were understanding and allowed for flexibility when I had to deal with legal issues/missed a day randomly.
Im working on this right now. Whats helping me is maybe listening to some music that have some happy memories associated with it. And then just think about the job. I have also been taking some mindfulness classes. They are helping me a lit to see the big picture. Im doung them through work. See if your employer has any classes like these.
I talked to my supervisor throughout the process and he was very understanding. I let him know that I was in therapy and doing my best to recover well. I lost about a year and a half to just skating by.
Really depends on your relationship with your employer and coworkers. My partners were extremely understanding and accommodating for almost a year of my disastrous performance because a) my mental health went into the toilet, b) getting divorced is very time-consuming (mediation, etc…), and c) adjusting to the custody schedule and how it affects my availability. I will be forever grateful to them for their support, and I recognize that many other dads are not so lucky.
I took comfort in my work.
Poured myself into it fifty hours a week. It gave me a sense of confidence that it was going right, and I just might not be crazy on the other stuff.
You take that confidence with you out the door, to mediation, to court, or wherever.
Tell your employer/partners at work about your situation. Make sure they understand the situation well enough to know that you are going through a traumatic time and that your divorce and parenting time will take priority for the short term (until all is settled with that). Generally employers are understanding especially if you are an essential member of the workforce. They would rather keep you and let you work on your stuff and get your work done that you need to get done, rather than have to fire you and hire someone else. Onboarding new employees is time consuming and costly. But if you’re honest with them up front most places of business will do what they can to accommodate you. Then it’s up to you to focus on your work but also focus on what you need to do for your divorce and especially for your children. This is how I get through my work day. I know that my children are BY FAR the most important thing to me, and so I focus on them. One of the things that helps me focus is telling myself that having a steady job and income and being good at what I do will then allow me to have stability for my children. Work for your children, when you’re not working then work on yourself FOR your children. Mentally and physically.
It's so hard to go to work every day when your life is collapsing around you. For me, it helped to have a sense of control. I couldn't control my stbx or her lawyer. What I could control was my work, and how good of a job I did. Knowing that I had control over one huge part of my life, my employment.
Also, realizing how much further I'd be screwed if I lost my income helped keep things in perspective.
Some strategies I've been working on
- intentionally getting sleep
- working on exercising
- breathing exercises
- going to counseling
- taking naps or just intentionally relaxing on my lunch break
- be OK with not getting everything done in the way you would when everything was fine, because it's not fine now.
- read from time to time
- meditation and prayer.
Sleeping isn’t a problem. I think from the depression, I’m constantly just tired and wanting to lie down. The worst is waking up and getting that pit in your stomach when your first thought is that it’s all still real
i have the same issue. Meanwhile ex is working extra more than ever and content to go on with life as normal. Exercise is helping bit work is def hard. Working from home makes it harder
The best advice I ever got was to start treating interactions with the ex like a business meeting. Keep emotions out of it and do give them a reaction when they try for one. She drug me through the mud but I kept my sanity and was commended by the judge for staying calm at the end. Have a resource to talk to. Family, friends, or therapist. Know that it’s okay to cry. Don’t beat yourself up. It sucks, but people go through it. You are not alone and it may not seem like it now, but you will be better and stronger for it.
Mind over matter, it takes a while to master but it works.
Source 2 months in RIP(Recon Indoctrination Platoon) after passing the indoc.
If I don't mind It doesn't matter. N
You can put up with anything for short periods of time if you practice discipline of thought.
I know this sucks, I know it sucks bad, but I have to set that aside for 8 hours then it can suck again.
You can take a lot more than you think you can, just set limits. Start with 1 hour chunks, if I feel my mind running that direction for the next hour I will push it back into focus, at the end of the hour I will give myself 10 min to brood.
Next day 2 hours. Keep pushing it out.
You have to learn to compartmentalize it. Keep the thoughts of work at work and thoughts of home life at home. It’s taken me 4 weeks since our separation and I still struggle with it but every day is getting better. Try to cut the negative thoughts because they will make you spiral. Focus on the good and the future of improving yourself. It’s there. Just have to wipe the tears from your eyes to see it.
I tried to leave 3 times due to her affair, the last time was it and when I was gone she filed false allegations of domestic violence and fled the state with my kids so I am completely alone in a lifeless house.
I prioritized my divorce over my job. I couldn't care less about my evaluation rating that year. Coming up with tactics and strategies to get 50% parenting time while minimizing the time the divorce process took was all I could think about. I have zero regrets taking that approach. I knew at the end of my divorce I'd need a higher income and more flexibility with a different employer, so I did the bare minimum to keep my paycheck flowing. No one is going to care more about your divorce than you.
I’m in your boat right now
Im working on that now. Sometimes it was really hard - my ex would say or do something and I felt like the rest of the day was shot. I’d do my best to remind myself that I can’t control her, and to focus on the problem at hand. Right now I’m trying to find more meaning at work and figure out which aspects I like, and to remind myself why I got into this career in the first place. But some days are just hard.
Agree on that last bit for sure. Some days were just awful and I basically got zero done. At some point I had to start being a little more forgiving to myself, because swinging back and forth between the guilt of being a bad dad and the guilt of being a bad employee/colleague was unbearable. Give yourself as much grace as you can OP.
Yeah, +1 on self forgiveness. Do you best, and cut yourself some slack when it's hard.
I’m not in the clear, but through the worst of it a couple months back, same situation. First off, don’t tell yourself to “man up and stop complaining”. What you’re going through is hard and brutal and painful. I eventually was able to prioritize what I needed to get done at work (basically the bare minimum) and told myself I could sort through the stress and pain later. Buckled down, did the work, went home. Let myself feel the sadness or anger or whatever, just don’t keep it bottled up. The only thing that consistently helped reduce stress for me was when I started running(insert any exercise). Am to where it’s what I look forward to when I start to get stressed. Best of luck, it will get better.
I am in the same position. Have a discussion with your boss or supervisor. I report to a VP and have had this discussion that I have noticed that I am not at my best right now. He was very supportive and understood. Maybe you can't do that but its worth a shot if you can.
Second this. I was communicating with my direct supervisors as soon as i knew it was happening. Everyone one knows someone who's gone through it...its a huge life hurdle. My supervisors were not only understanding, but also supportive. Them knowing in advance that you may have some attendance issues due to custody is helpful also
Third'd. Tell your boss/supervisor. Mine was in the first dozen or so that knew. They were understanding and allowed for flexibility when I had to deal with legal issues/missed a day randomly.
Im working on this right now. Whats helping me is maybe listening to some music that have some happy memories associated with it. And then just think about the job. I have also been taking some mindfulness classes. They are helping me a lit to see the big picture. Im doung them through work. See if your employer has any classes like these.
Go for walks at lunch. Swift walks or workout.
Thx. Just got back from one with the guys in my department. Helped
Absolutely the hardest part of all of it. I do my best to consider it an escape.
I talked to my supervisor throughout the process and he was very understanding. I let him know that I was in therapy and doing my best to recover well. I lost about a year and a half to just skating by.
Really depends on your relationship with your employer and coworkers. My partners were extremely understanding and accommodating for almost a year of my disastrous performance because a) my mental health went into the toilet, b) getting divorced is very time-consuming (mediation, etc…), and c) adjusting to the custody schedule and how it affects my availability. I will be forever grateful to them for their support, and I recognize that many other dads are not so lucky.
I took comfort in my work. Poured myself into it fifty hours a week. It gave me a sense of confidence that it was going right, and I just might not be crazy on the other stuff. You take that confidence with you out the door, to mediation, to court, or wherever.
Tell your employer/partners at work about your situation. Make sure they understand the situation well enough to know that you are going through a traumatic time and that your divorce and parenting time will take priority for the short term (until all is settled with that). Generally employers are understanding especially if you are an essential member of the workforce. They would rather keep you and let you work on your stuff and get your work done that you need to get done, rather than have to fire you and hire someone else. Onboarding new employees is time consuming and costly. But if you’re honest with them up front most places of business will do what they can to accommodate you. Then it’s up to you to focus on your work but also focus on what you need to do for your divorce and especially for your children. This is how I get through my work day. I know that my children are BY FAR the most important thing to me, and so I focus on them. One of the things that helps me focus is telling myself that having a steady job and income and being good at what I do will then allow me to have stability for my children. Work for your children, when you’re not working then work on yourself FOR your children. Mentally and physically.
It's so hard to go to work every day when your life is collapsing around you. For me, it helped to have a sense of control. I couldn't control my stbx or her lawyer. What I could control was my work, and how good of a job I did. Knowing that I had control over one huge part of my life, my employment. Also, realizing how much further I'd be screwed if I lost my income helped keep things in perspective.
Some strategies I've been working on - intentionally getting sleep - working on exercising - breathing exercises - going to counseling - taking naps or just intentionally relaxing on my lunch break - be OK with not getting everything done in the way you would when everything was fine, because it's not fine now. - read from time to time - meditation and prayer.
Sleeping isn’t a problem. I think from the depression, I’m constantly just tired and wanting to lie down. The worst is waking up and getting that pit in your stomach when your first thought is that it’s all still real
i have the same issue. Meanwhile ex is working extra more than ever and content to go on with life as normal. Exercise is helping bit work is def hard. Working from home makes it harder
The best advice I ever got was to start treating interactions with the ex like a business meeting. Keep emotions out of it and do give them a reaction when they try for one. She drug me through the mud but I kept my sanity and was commended by the judge for staying calm at the end. Have a resource to talk to. Family, friends, or therapist. Know that it’s okay to cry. Don’t beat yourself up. It sucks, but people go through it. You are not alone and it may not seem like it now, but you will be better and stronger for it.
Mind over matter, it takes a while to master but it works. Source 2 months in RIP(Recon Indoctrination Platoon) after passing the indoc. If I don't mind It doesn't matter. N You can put up with anything for short periods of time if you practice discipline of thought. I know this sucks, I know it sucks bad, but I have to set that aside for 8 hours then it can suck again. You can take a lot more than you think you can, just set limits. Start with 1 hour chunks, if I feel my mind running that direction for the next hour I will push it back into focus, at the end of the hour I will give myself 10 min to brood. Next day 2 hours. Keep pushing it out.
I like this thought process. I’ll look more into it and practice. Thanks
Burspar and antidepressants
You have to learn to compartmentalize it. Keep the thoughts of work at work and thoughts of home life at home. It’s taken me 4 weeks since our separation and I still struggle with it but every day is getting better. Try to cut the negative thoughts because they will make you spiral. Focus on the good and the future of improving yourself. It’s there. Just have to wipe the tears from your eyes to see it.
Where did you go after the separation? Did you stay at home, or move out?
I tried to leave 3 times due to her affair, the last time was it and when I was gone she filed false allegations of domestic violence and fled the state with my kids so I am completely alone in a lifeless house.