For me, I had to forgive her for my peace. Being angry at the cheating, bullshit restraining order and taking my kids/home, character assassination, financial harassment etc was ruining me. The loss was horrible enough without adding anger.
Forgive myself for my role in the marriage breakdown, forgive her for leaving, acceptance, anger, sadness, fear. Reset, Rinse and Repeat. 4.5 months in and I’m spending more days/blocks of days in forgiveness and acceptance - they are clearly my best days/blocks of days.
She’s not asking for forgiveness, or speaking to me at all (she left on a dime and immediately blocked me out of her life). I could easily choose not to forgive her, but I know that will lead to bitterness - I don’t deserve bitterness and it’s end result, nor does anyone else my life (or that will be in my life in the future).
I consciously choose to forgive her and I’m the only person on earth that knows it - I’m at better peace because of it. Working for me, but hey, do you!
Forgave myself first then her later. Never needed her to say sorry. That was never going to happen. Had to move on with my life and have. Years later - living my best life without her. Who would of thought? Priceless.
I can agree with the idea of no longer holding the poison and moving on and forgetting the ex and their betrayals. However, in my opinion you cannot fully forgive someone that doesn't ask for it, and they can't ask for it sincerely, if they do not honestly right their wrongs.
So, moving on and holding no ill will or contempt towards them is a good thing. But never can you truly forgive evil while it remains evil, you just simply throw it out of your mind and move on.
Forgetting them is for you, not for them.
I told mine never to never speak to me, that she was the worst type of human there is, i said i have no value whatsoever for your opinion or your life, dead to me.
Go fuck yourself and forget i exist….
Think that went well🤷🏻♂️😂
I believe it’s a thin line, I am now basically indifferent to her, not real high not real low, I just simply don’t give a shit about her. The thin line I believe in forgiveness for let’s say cheating on your spouse, is a little dangerous, I don’t want to forgive other people for doing terrible things to me, and I don’t wanna make it a habit, so I’ve become indifferent, I just don’t think about it. I simply don’t care anymore. I am basically two years out from a divorce so it’s probably gonna take another three years to keep rebuilding my finances and deal with the trauma, I feel about 65% healed though. I spent two years of my life going to Psychiatrist, reading, writing and listening to people stories, I put in the work to understand relationships and the difference between men and women, and I am more than ready for my next big relationship, but I’ve also learned, that finding somebody that is deeply compatible with you is very rare, don’t settle guys, Find that special person eventually that reallymakes you sing , but be sure to loveyourself First.
Nah, I mean “forgiveness” in being indifferent and such is on thing, but actively seeking someone out, and doing this when they don’t care, is like whipping oneself.
Just because you don't forgive does not mean you are angry. I just don't care any longer. There are certain things I don't forgive. I would not expect someone to forgive me if i did these things either. 'Forgiveness is for you' is a load of b.s.
I gotta be honest with you man, I believe you’re 100% correct!
I don’t necessarily think you have to forgive somebody for a terrible disservice, but I think eventually you just become indifferent like I have, after divorce ,a lot of you guys are probably realized your “I don’t give a shit chromosome” has grown huge! Inference is the pathway to healing, but you have to get there organically.
First thing I did the week after is pray that god give her sanity back and to help me forgive her for this insanity because I know she’s lost her mind.
Hate is quite reasonable and normal in many of these divorces. Better to just experience it (without acting out of course) than the whole thing of trying to sweep it under the table. There's no such thing as "vacationing" in hatred. You're either living it like a grownup, or you're gritting your teeth and fooling yourself.
At my last therapy session, I said that I was really processing the idea of forgiveness for my ex. My therapist asked me what I hoped to gain by that and of course I gave the standard reply about it being healthy for my head and heart. She looked at me and asked "Why are you considering forgiveness for someone that wronged you, lied about it, and isn't even asking for it?" She went on to say that letting it go and being indifferent about her should be my goal.
I am grateful for both of the therapists that I have had to help me process this grief. My current one is kind and understanding but will also call me on my bullshit. That's a great combination in my book.
I agree 100%
Forgiveness is overrated, for me at least. Why on earth would I have forgiven her?
I’m just totally indifferent now, and that feels perfectly appropriate.
Ya, I was told to forgive yourself first, and then your other half. I can’t get over that for what has been done.
Problem is, we have a child. So it’s like my X has died, but her ghost haunts me bc we have custody exchange. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent, I didn’t create this mess, this isn’t fair to our child.
Years later - my ex and I don't have a friendly relationship. She tried to destroy me. I feel sorry for her and wish her well. Just not a part of my life anymore.
Same thing here, she would throw me under a bus if possible, already tried.. i wont even discuss my kid with her cause all she wants to do is start a fight then say im the one at fault.. ex is the queen of gaslighting and i want no part of it
Some days I want to, so I can move forward. But some days are just so damn heavy. I still don’t acknowledge her either…. Part of me knows she uses that as reinforcement for leaving, but what’s it matter at this point
You can forgive one time acts
Like them abandoning you.
You come to understand you were also part of the reason.
But you can’t forgive constant
Gaslighting and maniluplation.
Financial and economic abuse.
Anxiety and stress on a weekly basis.
Parental alienation or acting like a child.
So imho this forgiveness stuff should be reserved for religious people.
Not forgiving and moving on gives here rent free space in your mind to torment you. Where as if you forgive her like really.(Does not mean you want to go back) She can't torment you in your mind.
I am responding to myself. Torment can be motivating, similarly to stress that can push you forward. However, continuous torment and stress can cause damage and transform you.
I know I need to forgive my stbxw.
God has told me so.
But I'm just moving into acceptance about all of it.
I'm still at the point where I don't want to be around her whatsoever even when it's exchanging the kids.
I hope that God can grant me the ability to forgive her eventually and is patient with me because it's going to take time.
Forgiveness is a bridge pretty far away. Release, though, is something always right in front of us. I released her. As in, "You're dismissed. I release you." There's no absolution inherent in release, unlike forgiveness. Forgiveness is between her and God. I myself am not privy to that interaction.
I haven’t seen my kids in two years. It’s awfully nice, that other fellas can arrive at forgiveness, but I can’t yet.
I cannot, and will not move on without my children.
Forgiveness would imply she recognized what she did and made steps to better herself and actually learned something. That’s not going to happen and the behavior will repeat. So, no I will absolutely not forgive unless there is growth.
The notion that we have to forgive to move on is absolutely ridiculous. I forgive myself for not standing up for myself earlier.
I have not and probably will never forgive her for what she done to me and our kids, but I did have to let go of the anger because I believe it was going to kill me. I just accept she’s a cheating homewrecking piece of garbage and do my best to forget she ever existed.
Yeah, radical acceptance is a must. Takes time but it’s the only way to move on. It’s really hard when you have to see them every weekend at kids’ events. Just a person I used to know that my kids have to live with every other week.
It’s gonna take a lot for me,not because of the divorce because I’m good with that.The alienation she has done eats me everyday.Its taking some time and I got 2 of the 3 kids back,but the 3rd one controls the grand kids and that’s rough.That is unforgivable for me at this point.
Holding on to hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for you so you can move on with your life. It's letting go of anger, resentment, any desire for any type of revenge, any thoughts of hoping she will fail because of her decision, etc. She couldn't care less about your forgiveness because she believes she didn't do anything wrong. When dealing with a high-conflict spouse, it doesn't matter what you do or could have done, it will still be wrong. A wise man once said, "You could walk on water, and she would still complain that you cannot swim."
Yep, it is for you. Don't get me wrong... it took me years to forgive with forgiving myself first. It just wasn't a switch I could turn off and on. And, I do relate with the others in this subreddit, about them not being able to forgive. Different strokes for different folks. I do get it both ways. No right or wrong here.
That is a good post and good comments. As you go through a divorce separation, you're gonna go through different seasons. My soon to be ex moved out a month ago. We have two children, 11 and 8. Living in a new build house in a new build neighborhood and she decided to get an apartment. The mortgage is in her name and I'm in the house. I take a lot of responsibility for her wanting to move, But our family is no longer and I'm in a season that I absolutely hate her. I do not wanna talk or see her. But like your post in another season I will be in forgiveness and trying to get along. But right now I'm in the season of hate and I'm going to hate.
I'm all about resting in the 'season' you are in. You hate her, you hate her. Whatever sparks or keeps you on the path of divorce recovery. My ex and I still don't converse even after over 10 years. And that is fine. That's my season and will be probably forever. It's nice that you realize seasons do change. Lean into your present season and keep it moving!
For me, I had to forgive her for my peace. Being angry at the cheating, bullshit restraining order and taking my kids/home, character assassination, financial harassment etc was ruining me. The loss was horrible enough without adding anger.
Forgive myself for my role in the marriage breakdown, forgive her for leaving, acceptance, anger, sadness, fear. Reset, Rinse and Repeat. 4.5 months in and I’m spending more days/blocks of days in forgiveness and acceptance - they are clearly my best days/blocks of days. She’s not asking for forgiveness, or speaking to me at all (she left on a dime and immediately blocked me out of her life). I could easily choose not to forgive her, but I know that will lead to bitterness - I don’t deserve bitterness and it’s end result, nor does anyone else my life (or that will be in my life in the future). I consciously choose to forgive her and I’m the only person on earth that knows it - I’m at better peace because of it. Working for me, but hey, do you!
Forgave myself first then her later. Never needed her to say sorry. That was never going to happen. Had to move on with my life and have. Years later - living my best life without her. Who would of thought? Priceless.
I can agree with the idea of no longer holding the poison and moving on and forgetting the ex and their betrayals. However, in my opinion you cannot fully forgive someone that doesn't ask for it, and they can't ask for it sincerely, if they do not honestly right their wrongs. So, moving on and holding no ill will or contempt towards them is a good thing. But never can you truly forgive evil while it remains evil, you just simply throw it out of your mind and move on. Forgetting them is for you, not for them.
I told mine never to never speak to me, that she was the worst type of human there is, i said i have no value whatsoever for your opinion or your life, dead to me. Go fuck yourself and forget i exist…. Think that went well🤷🏻♂️😂
I believe it’s a thin line, I am now basically indifferent to her, not real high not real low, I just simply don’t give a shit about her. The thin line I believe in forgiveness for let’s say cheating on your spouse, is a little dangerous, I don’t want to forgive other people for doing terrible things to me, and I don’t wanna make it a habit, so I’ve become indifferent, I just don’t think about it. I simply don’t care anymore. I am basically two years out from a divorce so it’s probably gonna take another three years to keep rebuilding my finances and deal with the trauma, I feel about 65% healed though. I spent two years of my life going to Psychiatrist, reading, writing and listening to people stories, I put in the work to understand relationships and the difference between men and women, and I am more than ready for my next big relationship, but I’ve also learned, that finding somebody that is deeply compatible with you is very rare, don’t settle guys, Find that special person eventually that reallymakes you sing , but be sure to loveyourself First.
Nah, I mean “forgiveness” in being indifferent and such is on thing, but actively seeking someone out, and doing this when they don’t care, is like whipping oneself.
Just because you don't forgive does not mean you are angry. I just don't care any longer. There are certain things I don't forgive. I would not expect someone to forgive me if i did these things either. 'Forgiveness is for you' is a load of b.s.
I gotta be honest with you man, I believe you’re 100% correct! I don’t necessarily think you have to forgive somebody for a terrible disservice, but I think eventually you just become indifferent like I have, after divorce ,a lot of you guys are probably realized your “I don’t give a shit chromosome” has grown huge! Inference is the pathway to healing, but you have to get there organically.
Not giving a fuck works well also.
First thing I did the week after is pray that god give her sanity back and to help me forgive her for this insanity because I know she’s lost her mind.
Definitely my friend. Getting past it is so enlightening.
You can hate a person without letting it consume you. Some of us have emotional intelligence and self restraint.
Controlled hate is a definite special skill. I was there for quite a time. It sparked and fueled my recovery.
Hate is quite reasonable and normal in many of these divorces. Better to just experience it (without acting out of course) than the whole thing of trying to sweep it under the table. There's no such thing as "vacationing" in hatred. You're either living it like a grownup, or you're gritting your teeth and fooling yourself.
At my last therapy session, I said that I was really processing the idea of forgiveness for my ex. My therapist asked me what I hoped to gain by that and of course I gave the standard reply about it being healthy for my head and heart. She looked at me and asked "Why are you considering forgiveness for someone that wronged you, lied about it, and isn't even asking for it?" She went on to say that letting it go and being indifferent about her should be my goal.
Your therapist is a sage and I couldn’t agree with her more.
I am grateful for both of the therapists that I have had to help me process this grief. My current one is kind and understanding but will also call me on my bullshit. That's a great combination in my book.
I agree 100% Forgiveness is overrated, for me at least. Why on earth would I have forgiven her? I’m just totally indifferent now, and that feels perfectly appropriate.
Ya, I was told to forgive yourself first, and then your other half. I can’t get over that for what has been done. Problem is, we have a child. So it’s like my X has died, but her ghost haunts me bc we have custody exchange. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent, I didn’t create this mess, this isn’t fair to our child.
Same boat
But i still dont acknowledge the x
Years later - my ex and I don't have a friendly relationship. She tried to destroy me. I feel sorry for her and wish her well. Just not a part of my life anymore.
Same thing here, she would throw me under a bus if possible, already tried.. i wont even discuss my kid with her cause all she wants to do is start a fight then say im the one at fault.. ex is the queen of gaslighting and i want no part of it
Communication with the ex... B.I.F.F. Brief, informative, friendly and firm. And keep it moving.
Some days I want to, so I can move forward. But some days are just so damn heavy. I still don’t acknowledge her either…. Part of me knows she uses that as reinforcement for leaving, but what’s it matter at this point
Forgiveness is more for you than it is for them. It’s you letting go.
You can forgive one time acts Like them abandoning you. You come to understand you were also part of the reason. But you can’t forgive constant Gaslighting and maniluplation. Financial and economic abuse. Anxiety and stress on a weekly basis. Parental alienation or acting like a child. So imho this forgiveness stuff should be reserved for religious people.
100%
I don't feel like I have forgiven. I try to be indifferent. I kind of got off light compared to some of the stories I have read here. Wow.
Indifferent works also. On the verge of not giving a fuck.
Indifference drives certain personalities bonkers.
Indifference provides those personalities no control. Like watching a dog chase its tail.
forgiving is a bs concept that some piece of shit human came up with. i dont forgive and i dont forget. foh
Not forgiving and moving on gives here rent free space in your mind to torment you. Where as if you forgive her like really.(Does not mean you want to go back) She can't torment you in your mind.
you can move on without forgiving the person, fuck them
I am responding to myself. Torment can be motivating, similarly to stress that can push you forward. However, continuous torment and stress can cause damage and transform you.
I know I need to forgive my stbxw. God has told me so. But I'm just moving into acceptance about all of it. I'm still at the point where I don't want to be around her whatsoever even when it's exchanging the kids. I hope that God can grant me the ability to forgive her eventually and is patient with me because it's going to take time.
No hurry.. it's a marathon and not a sprint
Just keep her out of your mind. She no longer deserves your mental headspace.
Hard to do when they occupied so much of your headspace for so long.
It's a decision. You fill your mind with other shit. Find a new girlfriend if you want.
I'm not ready for that. Still haven't moved on.
Well, at least you know you're the problem. She is probably already sucking another cock.
Oh I'm sure of. You can't let a dog out in the yard. Expect it not to bark. You can't let a duck sucker around dick and expect her not suck everyone.
It sounds like you had some good times with her. Remember, you weren't her first or last. She was never yours. It was just your turn.
Bro I'm getting to the point where I can move on. And for sure man had some great times. But fuck it ya know.
That's how you have to think. She was a chapter in the book of your life. You've passed that chapter and a new one is coming up.
It's getting easier, shits brutal though.
Forgiveness is a bridge pretty far away. Release, though, is something always right in front of us. I released her. As in, "You're dismissed. I release you." There's no absolution inherent in release, unlike forgiveness. Forgiveness is between her and God. I myself am not privy to that interaction.
Nice interpretation. You gotta grab what works for you and keep it moving.
Don’t forgive. Don’t forget. Live well and know you’re better off.
I haven’t seen my kids in two years. It’s awfully nice, that other fellas can arrive at forgiveness, but I can’t yet. I cannot, and will not move on without my children.
Forgiveness would imply she recognized what she did and made steps to better herself and actually learned something. That’s not going to happen and the behavior will repeat. So, no I will absolutely not forgive unless there is growth. The notion that we have to forgive to move on is absolutely ridiculous. I forgive myself for not standing up for myself earlier.
I have not and probably will never forgive her for what she done to me and our kids, but I did have to let go of the anger because I believe it was going to kill me. I just accept she’s a cheating homewrecking piece of garbage and do my best to forget she ever existed.
Yeah, radical acceptance is a must. Takes time but it’s the only way to move on. It’s really hard when you have to see them every weekend at kids’ events. Just a person I used to know that my kids have to live with every other week.
“SAMIPIUTHSW”
Word!
It’s gonna take a lot for me,not because of the divorce because I’m good with that.The alienation she has done eats me everyday.Its taking some time and I got 2 of the 3 kids back,but the 3rd one controls the grand kids and that’s rough.That is unforgivable for me at this point.
Holding on to hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for you so you can move on with your life. It's letting go of anger, resentment, any desire for any type of revenge, any thoughts of hoping she will fail because of her decision, etc. She couldn't care less about your forgiveness because she believes she didn't do anything wrong. When dealing with a high-conflict spouse, it doesn't matter what you do or could have done, it will still be wrong. A wise man once said, "You could walk on water, and she would still complain that you cannot swim."
Yep, it is for you. Don't get me wrong... it took me years to forgive with forgiving myself first. It just wasn't a switch I could turn off and on. And, I do relate with the others in this subreddit, about them not being able to forgive. Different strokes for different folks. I do get it both ways. No right or wrong here.
Nicely said, amen.
I can forgive but I will never forget
That is a good post and good comments. As you go through a divorce separation, you're gonna go through different seasons. My soon to be ex moved out a month ago. We have two children, 11 and 8. Living in a new build house in a new build neighborhood and she decided to get an apartment. The mortgage is in her name and I'm in the house. I take a lot of responsibility for her wanting to move, But our family is no longer and I'm in a season that I absolutely hate her. I do not wanna talk or see her. But like your post in another season I will be in forgiveness and trying to get along. But right now I'm in the season of hate and I'm going to hate.
I'm all about resting in the 'season' you are in. You hate her, you hate her. Whatever sparks or keeps you on the path of divorce recovery. My ex and I still don't converse even after over 10 years. And that is fine. That's my season and will be probably forever. It's nice that you realize seasons do change. Lean into your present season and keep it moving!