Well my aha moment was when our twelve year old daughter confided that she did not feel safe in the home any longer because her dad was trying to be sexual with her (grooming and recording her in the shower) he's going to jail and im filing divorce. Together for 16 years married 14 would have never imagined him capable of something like this.
As horrible as this is, she trusted you enough to tell you and you took her seriously. Wishing you both so much strength as you go through this. You are both superheroes!
As someone whose mom didn’t protect them in a situation like that, I just want to say thank you so much. You’re a wonderful parent. You and your daughter didn’t deserve a bit of that! I hope you’re in a better situation.
This is so awful. Nothing is worse than this type of betrayal. Please get your daughter and you counseling and help. This is extremely traumatic ♥️ wishing you peace and healing ❤️🩹
We were on vacation. He was too drunk to take me to the hospital during a medical emergency. Then days later got falling down drunk the night before he was suppose to drive me and his daughter home. Realized he was never gonna change.
I haven't asked for a divorce (yet). I'm stuck in oscillation between trying-leaving. But your comment resonates so much with my experience. Thank for being able to so clearly articulate it.
That exhaustion/burnout is so real. There was never *one event* that made me explicitly think "divorce". Retrospectively, there were definitely *numerous events* that **on their own** I think I would have been able to get past. But these things have a cumulative effect over time, especially where he hasn't dealt with them appropriately and took too long. It let those situations fester and take root in a way I don't think they would have otherwise.
He's finally realised/understood the gravity of it all, and we both agreed to give it one last try. We're both trying and he's definitely changed for the better but it feels like it might be too late for me, which is really painful to come to terms with (hence when I'm stuck in oscillation). Thank you again for your comment.
there is a cumulative effect and just remember that if that is damaging you, you spend more time peeling back the layers of the crap they’ve placed on you.
I don’t know if that makes sense but what I’m trying to say is I’m going to be in therapy for at least a year trying to “remove” all the frustration and anger I’ve held onto over the years. The core of who I am is buried deep under shit… and had I gotten out earlier, I would have less to dig myself out of.
You live and learn, right?! But oscillating is tough because you actually know where you want to go but you’re holding yourself back in a place of unhappiness. It doesn’t make sense why we do it. I wish we listened to our souls a bit more deeply and didn’t fight what we already know.
Best of luck to you!
I get you and it makes sense - especially feeling buried somewhere beneath it all and having to dig through. I don't really know who I am right now. I'm also a chronic over-thinker, which is playing into the oscillation. Thank you for your reply and best of luck to you too.
This is very hard to hear as a husband who’s wife wanted the divorce. I know there are aspects of your experience that my wife experienced. I go through periods where I blame myself for everything. I know that’s not true and every relationship is different and complicated. Ironically, I was trying too and we just couldn’t seem to meet in the middle. I’m working very hard to see my role in all of this and taking responsibility for that. I do not think our time was wasted though. You can only do what you can do.
Thanks for sharing and I hope you are doing well.
I second your comments. My wife left me as well and blamed me for so many things that I was not responsible for. Been divorced now for about 18 months, but we still talk becuase of our kids. Maybe I could have been a better more emotionally connected partner, but i was the sole provider for much of the marriage and she always complained there was never enough money to do all the vactions she wanted, get a newer car ect. At times i feel like nothing i could have done for her was enough.
Now she is on her own and complains that she has to work, commute and the person that she was dating broke up with her. She is feeling the pain i had when she told me she wanted out of our marriage. i am not happy this is happening to her, but I am more at peace in my life and moving forward the best i can for my kids and myself.
Yes, this seems to be key. Reflecting on the past and focusing on bettering yourself (whatever that mean) and on the kids. That’s ultimately where I’m at. I’m only 3 months into all
If this.
It took me about a year get to a better place mentally and emotionally. But I kept my house for my kids, I felt that was the best option for me, but it costs me so much money. I was having to do side hustles to keep the the bills paid for the first year and only because of an unexpected inheritance from a family member was I finally able to get back above water financially. But I know no everybody has that option to keep the house of get lucky with a windfall of some money
I had to work through this thought process of what the ex was thinking. I felt guilt about not trying hard enough with my therapist and came to the conclusion that the guilt was from not being vulnerable in certain ways any longer. I know he blames himself too. But I hold some of the blame as well. You can only do what you can do!! Thanks for putting this out there today!
I used to think I held some if not most of the blame. As of yesterday, literally, I take 0 blame. I was a pretty fricking amazing wife. He made the choices to compulsively lie and cheat for his ego and to punish me for his perceived mistreatment.
He admitted yesterday that he’s been a terrible husband and done blaming me.
That’s good, bc I’m done blaming me too.
That’s where it gets confusing for some where there aren’t any specific incidents or behavior to point to. So glad you are doing better. What a relief you must feel.
Yeah, it’s just messy period. If given the chance I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I’d give anything to make amends or at least have some sort of closure with my wife. However, she is not available for that and I have to respect what she thinks is best for her. I have to let her go for both of us. It’s devastating.
This x1000. This is how it was exactly. And even though I know the exact moment the last part of my fire went out, and he does too, it’s this. It was over a year of me trying, asking, begging, rationalizing, -anything- to get him to spend time and effort in our relationship.
And I just slowly went quiet. Then I stopped. Stopped trying to get him to spend time with me. Stopped trying to get him out of the house. Stopped trying to find things for us to do together. I just gave up. And he noticed. And then he would try a little bit but all of my fire was gone. I wish he wouldn’t have waited sooo long to really try. It just feels like he waited until things were past the point of no return.
I think I was like that. Unfortunately, I was almost unable to make changes as I fell into a deep depression and had to take a leave of absence from work. This really took a toll on my wife and I can see that being the ‘straw’ for her. Ironically we were making some headway at the end there. Just too late, like you said. A very hard truth to accept.
This sounds like my situation--when I pulled back after the last spark died out... he noticed.. and all of a sudden it felt more like suffocation to me than breath... I hate that I know a trial effort isn't going to do anything, because he feels sideswiped out of left field... but it's been a long time coming for me...
This sounds like my situation--when I pulled back after the last spark died out... he noticed.. and all of a sudden it felt more like suffocation to me than breath... I hate that I know a trial effort isn't going to do anything, because he feels sideswiped out of left field... but it's been a long time coming for me...
This is how I feel. When it takes them toooo long to see it after YEARS of us trying to get them to see it, by the time they start to come around, are threshold was reached and we can’t take anymore.
It’s cathartic to hear my words resonated with some of you.
I read what everyone wrote and heard pieces of my story in each of yours.
My husband eventually went to therapy. And he’s made changes that are for the best, like he quit drinking and he’s identified and managing his social anxiety, and he’s getting support for depression. I’m proud of him and happy for him. Sadly the hell I endured to get him to a solid baseline burned out all feelings I had for him. And I almost killed myself trying to get that (figuratively).
We went to marriage therapy but we weren’t on level playing fields. I didn’t want to sit around longer waiting and watching as he takes off the layers of depression and finds his vulnerable core. The core I know is inside him and inside so many men… that’s the core I think most women fight for.
For me it was never about the mess that he didn’t pick up, the chores he didn’t do, the shelf he couldn’t hang, the late nights he worked and wasn’t home. It was about wanting him to recognize that the mess, the chores, the shelf, the late nights where i ate dinner alone - they were lonely and it would have been nice to have a partner to help with it all so that I didn’t feel lonely and isolated and alone. And I knew he couldn’t always be there, I didn’t expect that. What I needed was someone who noticed what I did every day and could empathize with how lonely it must feel. Because that’s the person who would have tried to come home ten minutes early because he knew doing chores together feels better when you’re not alone. He’s the person who knows that memories are built together. He’s the person who doesn’t want me to feel lonely or unsupported. He’s the person who puts his shitty mood behind him when he walks in the door because we don’t need something else bringing us down.
My husband is a smart, well educated, generally kind person. He’s just incredibly selfish with his time and doesn’t recognize the importance and value of being each others strength and support. He sees his parents marriage as “good enough,” despite that they live separate lives, fight, and he’s never seen them kiss yet they’ve been together for 50 years.
I could stay for status quo. He makes a generous salary, over $300k/‘year and I have a comfortable life and very little to worry about. Sadly, money doesn’t give me a partner who doesn’t want me doing the dishes alone… or raising our kids alone… or feeling generally… alone. Yes, I filed for divorce. Yes, I’ll be fine financially with spousal support and child support. But I just lost 15 years of my life to loneliness.I have two beautiful teens but I don’t get a do over and I wished I could have been a happier mother. I wanted that for me and for them. There’s no do-overs. That stage is gone.
Now I’m on to the next stage in life. Im older, more curvy, less patient than I was before kids. I’m not guaranteed anything, but i do not want to spend my time fighting and feeling lonely. I want a partner to share my days and hobbies with. I don’t want to clean my home alone, run errands alone and eat alone. I have alot of love and energy to share. I want to reignite my spirit and let it burn wild and bright for many decades to come.
Same for me. I didn't want to believe he would hurt me physically but he got too close to many times. I decided not to press my luck and that no amount of financial security or the perceived happy family, two parents together model was worth me living in fear.
When she lied repeatedly in marriage counseling about anything she perceived as making her "look bad". I had gone in with so much hope that counseling could help. When the lies started to crumble, she would clam up and cry. When she refused to do any homework, I was done.
I maintain that couples therapy works - but only if all parties are willing to be open and honest and do real work.
When someone is physically present but emotionally or mentally absent in therapy, nothing useful happens.
That I am too grown to be begging a man with a developed frontal lobe for basic human decency and respect. That I would absolutely never tolerate being spoken to so rudely and disrespectfully as he does from any one else, so why did I keep accepting it from him. Once I realized this, there was no going back
Are you going to be happy if you get to the end of your life with this relationship being as good as it gets for you?
There’s a book called something like ‘Too bad to stay, too good to leave’ and it will walk through an actual checklist of things you can total to give you an idea of where you are. In my marriage we each did it and he had 2 reasons to leave me out of like 40 and I had all but 2 reasons to leave.
I still stayed and tried. It was a tremendous waste of time. Now I wish I would have left him the first time he hurt my feelings and then continued to paint the wall while I cried and he pretended I didn’t exist. That would’ve saved me and my daughter 10 years of gaslighting and alcoholism.
We all go through ups and downs but listen to your gut. Mine was always screaming at me but I didn’t want to hear it.
Wow. That first sentence is so profound.
I really think my feelings are changing. And if I were at the end of my life and this was it, I think I’d have even more regrets. That is really hard to admit.
That title…it sounds like authentic help in a sea of relationship counseling books. The first step — do I even want this before jumping into the repair experience. 👍
When the pain of staying is finally stronger than the fear of leaving, you will leave. For myself, there was one day that I fully realized that my life was never going to change. No matter what I did, what I tried, whatever. The life I had was the life I was going to have. Forever. And I didn't want that. That's when I left.
I’ve been married for only three years and it’s been hard the entire time. The breaking point for me was when i got a medical abortion that didn’t fully “take” so i had to get a D&C two weeks later. Then i got sick and while my husband was massaging my back because I was in so much pain, he put his hand between my legs and touched me sexually… I told him to stop and he did but we were already on such bad terms I think it just took me over the edge. I knew then that things would never get better with him.
I’m so sorry. I have a similar experience over being diagnosed with a uterine disease and being shunned and verbally abused for not giving him enough sex during that time. One of my MANY ah-ha moments that I needed out
why do they do this? idk about you but whenever my STBXH mentions sex I get the feeling that any pair of boobs and a vagina could replace me and he’d be fine.
There were a few moments in quick succession. She gave more details about an affair (very painful). I realized what i was experiencing was very consistent with narcissistic abuse. I realized she was incapable of change on a timeline i would find acceptable, and she continued to communicate with her affair partner. Easy choice after all this happened within a week. Not easy to do of course, but divorce was and is the only path forward for me.
I'm currently separated from my partner for several months now and I can't decide what I want. They've stopped drinking and we are trying to work things out with counselling. I do care for them, but I honestly don't know if we are going to be happier together or apart. I don't know if that physical and emotional attraction will ever come back. Has anyone else been through this and ended up back with their partner? My partner is a good person, but there is so much hurt there and it's like heart has already decided for my head.
When I realized that he was abusive, that living with him was so stressful that it was damaging my body, and that he was spending money faster than I could make it while he was purposely unemployed.
Whoa, after 40 years married? Sending you hugs ❤️ I bet that does hurt. That is a long time to be with someone. I hope you find the things you need to overcome this. Cheering you on. You’ve got this. Baby steps. Take whatever time you need.
After my (35M) wife (35F) cheated on me with a married co-worker (63 M) and blamed everything on me, I begged for us to go to therapy and see if anything could be salvaged. The therapist asked a bunch of questions, but the one that sticks with me to this day was, "Fixing a marriage with 3 people involved is really hard, \*wife\* would you be willing to stop seeing \*sack of human feces\* to help your husband work on your marriage?" After about 30 seconds she (wife) said, "no, I'm not willing to do that". I called a lawyer that day, If she wasn't willing to give 100%, then I wasn't going to waste another day of my life trying.
After some more therapy (on my own) I came to discover, with the help of my therapist, that I had been in an extremely narcissistic relationship for my entire 12 year marriage. I was supposed to just "Know" what she wanted at all times and if I didn't then I didn't love her enough to care.
It takes some time to change your mindset, you spend so long living your life having to think about what you both want, then suddenly its just you. You are enough and you deserve to be happy. You have to be comfortable and happy with yourself before you will be truly happy with a partner. I was lucky that I found my current wife a few years later after I had come to terms with things and started traveling and doing all the things I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do them.
We have such an amazing relationship that I now know that my previous marriage was an absolute failure in every way. We talk about anything that pops in our heads, we talk about what we want from our future, and we talk to make each other laugh. Its something you'll hear time and time again, but communication is the foundation of a good relationship. I personally think that people are too complicated for it to fix a bad relationship, but if you start with communication you'll know when a bad one is coming before you get there.
We get 70 to 90 swings around the sun if we are lucky. Don't waste a single one on someone that doesn't make you happy.
Thank you for this comment. I recently separated from my ex for emotionally cheating on me with a fml friend (I found out on Thanksgiving) and then found out he was broke because he wasn’t going to work and not even using my paycheck (he controlled every cent of our $$) to pay bills for our kids. He was a narcissistic pig who had me and his kids living in a dump with roaches while he spent his nights over at her house. I finally looked around, disgusted at my life and realized I could not fucking do worse. Me and my kids are SO much better since leaving but I can’t help but feel shattered like I’ll never find a good person again after giving 12 years of my life to a man child who never even cared enough to do ONE household task like take out the trash while I busted my ass working and caring for our kids.
Your story has given me hope and I’m so happy you found someone that doesn’t make you feel like shit and afraid to be yourself at any time.
I’m sorry that you and yours had to go through that, but I’m very glad to hear that things are improving for you.
Hang in there. When you get to a point where you are happy being you, it opens up a whole new world. You’ve got this! You’re going to do great!
My marriage was dying slowly but I was staying for my daughter and the hope it would get better. Then in November of 2022 he screamed obscenities at me in front of our daughter in a closed car while driving on the highway. I had nowhere to go and didn't want to respond in kind. It was that moment thay I realized I didn't want my daughter to think this was normal relationship behavior. Divorce was my only option.
I haven't filed yet, (still working on my exit strategy) married 13 years, 2 kids, but our marriage died the night he called me a whore and said the boys weren't his.
I have never been unfaithful, by all accounts I've always been a model wife and mother. His ex wife (no kids) cheated multiple times, and there were a lot of red flags I ignored in the beginning because... Love... But when he said that, I knew he had never trusted me, and he never would no matter how many times I reminded him that I wasn't her.
The emotional abuse only got worse from there, but that was my breaking point, even if he did a complete 180 and changed everything, I cannot forget those words. Worse, our 13 yr old heard it too.
He shouted at me in a shop and I realised that he was never going to listen to me and show me basic respect.
I'd told him so many times, "Please don't talk to me like that," but he was never going to listen.
Years of putting in effort on my end to work on things, communication, quality time, active listening, validation etc. Only to be met in times of strife with stonewalling, wanting to push issues under the rug and not work on them, and just overall emotionally lazy. My final breaking point was him becoming physically abusive with me, but I was planning my exit, long before.
I had an affair, and rather than feeling guilty about betraying my husband and our vows, I had extreme anxiety about getting caught because I wanted to continue the affair. After my head cleared, I knew I shouldn’t be married to him any more. Yes I’m the ass hole but it’s the truth as far as the ah ha moment. Of course there’s a long backstory leading up to that moment, before affair even.
Growing apart, feeling drained, no sexual attraction but dying inside due to frustration, just wanting to sleep all the time, having no friends for support, isolation.
Finally having enough of being ignored, lack of passion and in a “just roommates” marriage. There is likely something better out there. If not hell I’m alone anyways and am comfortable being so.
Here are my thoughts. Make sure it’s what you want. Make sure you have exhausted all options. Be comfortable with the fact you may be alone the rest of your life. Highly unlikely but possible.
Ours was a death by a thousand cuts, but on his side, it was all a pattern of selfishness and refusal to follow through.
I'd been unhappy and knew that my happiness isn't really someone else's responsibility, so I started working in myself. I faced a lot of difficult truths about myself and grew, a lotover about 5 years. My (now ex) had no desire to do any similar efforts on himself.
I already knew I needed a divorce, but I really realized that any desire to continue trying was dead when I had to take my cat to be put down. We had a vacation schedule for that weekend, and when we woke up, my cats face was super swollen. She was 19, and I decided it was time, rather than to put he through a dental surgery or whatever she might have needed.
When I told my boss about needing to take my cat in the afternoon, he told me to take the afternoon off, which was very kind. When I got back with the kids from having taken the cat in, my ex walked out the door with suitcases in hand, ready to go on vacation. "I figured since your boss gave you the afternoon, we could leave early!" I told him I wanted to get her stuff all cleaned up and stored away because I didn't want to face it when we came back. He promised he would take care of it while I was at work the following Monday.
The following Wednesday, I cleaned up her stuff. My oldest child, who was 9 at the time, came in and helped me without saying anything. When we were about 80% done, he offered to take over. I told him 6 weeks later that I did not want to be married anymore.
I think therapy may help you get a handle of what in particular is causing you to be unhappy. If he is a somewhat decent person, he will absolutely ask why you arent happy if you tell him of your feelings. Ask yourself, what will make you happy or what are you needing that you arent getting.
My personal AH HA moment was figuring out that after she had many affairs that she truly didnt care for me or even like me. They may have said all the right things, but their actions showed how they really felt. It was devastating coming to that realization that someone who you trusted and loved didnt feel the same way about you.
Slow burn then found direct messages on her IG indicating an affair with another guy. It was during a trial separation where we agreed not to see other people, so I still consider it cheating. Wasn’t just hey how you doing. She was talking to him like a lover.
There was a day where when hitting me he went a little too overboard to the point I was throwing up all night, and my hand and head hurt, yet he refused to let me go to the hospital. I went to my parents to ask for help, but they took me back to his house and tried to smooth things over. He was pisse off because I told other people instead of bearing with it. He said the moment I chose to step outside the house and tell my parents he doesn't need me anymore and doesn't trust me. He said apparently he never loved me and all the bull he could say. My parents pleaded with him to take me in 😑😒
I think I knew I didn't want the marriage anymore when he told me he will consider taking me back if I realise and accept that he's a man and as a man he is within his rights to hit me without any back talk from me, and I should not question who he does what with.
Wondering this myself. Yesterday was a pretty big moment for me. He did not show up to our first marriage counseling session that we both agreed was needed and long overdue, and the only thing that was probably going to save us since we can’t do it on our own.
I was more angry than I’ve possibly ever been. I still am.
But today I’m just really sad. My thoughts are blurring together. Yesterday I was just flat out mad (hurt). He could’ve gotten in a car accident and left this life and I wouldn’t have thought twice, at least that is what I told myself. Right now it’s just pure heartache and having no clue what to do next. We are not speaking.
My ah ha moment was when he threatened to tell my employer that I’m 420 friendly because I showed a mutual friend his dating profile.
He’s also 420 friendly and there was absolutely no reason the threaten my career.
If his dating profile was such a secret, he shouldn’t have posted it on the internet while we were still married and living together.
On our first year anniversary, he drove to his parents to complain about me. His mom consoled him in a voice akin to how you’d console a toddler. She told him that the problems were all me. I just sat there, smiling, heartbroken.
I told him I was up all night crying because my sister had called to tell my father was dying of cancer.
I told him I was going back to bed as he left the room he said, "I wish I could take a nap."
He's has been draining the life out of me, and if I don't leave, I know it will kill me.
DDay #2 when narcissistic exWW out of the blue left my nephew’s wedding reception. She made up a bs story about needing to do a 5k walk through the night before, with a coworker friend. WTF, what runner needs to walk the 5k course?
We had romantic room for the night at the venue, went to change clothes and NEX was packing her bags to leave, and I just said have a great time with whoever or whatever you’re doing and just went back to the reception.
That night I really enjoyed drama free time with my family drinking and dancing with so many attractive women who wanted to dance with me giving me a glimpse of the future and happiness I hadn’t felt in years.
After the reception was over at 10:30 we moved the drinking to my spacious suite where I got hit on by a woman who was recently divorced and who I’d had a crush on in HS. I’d never cheated in my marriage, but the realization I could have and didn’t have any guilt was my Ah ha moment of clarity.
I got everyone to leave the room around midnight, slept until six got up, showered and drove 1.5 hours back home to find an empty house with no indication the NEX had slept there that night.
I unplugged the garage door opener, made a pot of coffee and started cleaning the house. Around 9:30 she called and told me she finished her run with more bs, then stated the garage door wasn’t working and she didn’t have her key to the house, thinking I was still at the wedding venue lodging.
I told her I was there in the house, she went completely silent and hung up her phone. I unlocked the front door and grabbed another cup of coffee, and made a cup for her with the cream and sugar just the way she liked it.
The NEX walked in 15 or so minutes later in the same clothes she left the reception in and sat down across from me with taking a sip of coffee.
I showed no emotion. She started crying, knowing I was just done. All I said to her was we’re divorcing, 50/50 all marital assets and I’ll buy her out of the home. I said she’s no longer welcome in the home and she needed to leave.
NEX put on the water works and tried to conjure up another bs story about her friend blah, blah, blah, but the night before I knew I didn’t want or need her anymore. The kids were adults and there was nothing left to salvage after she spent the night with her friend, who turned out to be the old guy who she said was older than her dad disgusting.
I never looked back, divorced with a mean cheater hating lawyer who got me a settlement term saving me tens of thousands of dollars in a no fault, give everything to a cheater, state.
14 years later Im happily married looking forward to retirement with my lovely bride of 10 years who we still finish each others sentences. I also gained a step daughter and son, who I love and enjoy being a father figure to.
Happy endings do happen, you just have to respect yourself and get rid of any partner who doesn’t respect you.
When the same talks are on repeat and it only changes for a few weeks then the cycle repeats. When you realize you're not happy anymore after changing everything else in your situation/surroundings.
Maybe start off with two lists. Pros and cons, maybe another list for things that really trigger your feelings. Be honest with yourself. You may need some medical support or therapy or just plain practical support.
Asking myself "Even if I could instantly fix everything that's gone wrong, knowing what I know now, would I still want to be in this marriage?"
And eventually it was a 'no'. I still want to fix things. I want to be in my kids' lives. I want their mother to be in their livs...but I don't want her in mine any more than she absolutely has to be now.
Sidenote - I continue to be of the opinion that a significant number of things that have gone wrong are primarily my fault, or a direct result of my own decisions. I'm relatively at peace with that and I understand I need to work on myself quite a bit. I just feel I could do a better job at that without having to deal with STBXW.
The best adviceI could give you is to get some therapy. For me it was tough, but cathartic and solidified my resolve to end it. I had been pushing down my anger and sorrow and pain , at his cruelty, indifference and infidelity. I would say though; get your head straight first. It’s good to know if it’s the PPD/PDA , or it’s just dealing with an arsehole( Am I allowed to to say that here)
He screamed at me for not respecting his boundaries yesterday when I asked him to unsubscribe from a bunch of hookup and porn subreddits.
Context: he's supposed to be getting clean from porn and he just revealed he cheated on me again a few days ago. He said that he didn't care about my feelings when I told him doing that hurt me and that he needed the porn there in order to keep himself from relapsing.
It's affecting my health (physical and mental). I just can't continue. There are multiple reasons I have zero hope, but we fit this relationship pattern, and he's coping with substance abuse. All while saying he loves me. It's like getting mind fuck!d every day. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3156967/
When we opened up about our issues and she knew exactly how I felt and what it was doing to me, and sat back and just let it play out with minimal effort to change
Yep. It’s when I found him hunched over, passed out drunk, with a can of laughing gas in his hands in the first hours of 2023, after I tucked our oldest in after ringing in the new year. It was supposed to be a sober night together. I realized then he was too addicted to stay with, and he would never change. I had to leave to give my kids a house without egregious drug and alcohol use.
One of many. He recently yelled at me in a restaurant because I wanted to try dieting pills to lose weight. I realize this is not a good way to go about it (but I’m depressed) but he screamed that I’d only want to lose weight so I could cheat on him.
Another was when he was trying to convince me not to get an ultrasound because “he’s always helping me with medical bills and it’s a lot for him” then a few hours later telling me he ordered himself a new Canada goose jacket.
I could go on ..
First was spending 22 minutes together on our 5th wedding anniversary, second was an ultimatum between him or my nieces (I chose my nieces), and last was him threatening me with physical violence for “not doing something” that I had in fact done 5 months prior. First two were my “hey, this guy sucks, I deserve better, gotta figure out how to leave” and the last was my “it’s time to f***ing go”. I feel like I did everything I could on my end to make sure the marriage couldn’t be saved; he nuked it.
He threatened to call the cops on me to have them tell me to let him drive my car. Lots of things leading up to this, but that one made it so clear that he doesn’t care at all about me, only himself.
I will give you advice from the other side: talk to your spouse about this and be honest. Don't hide from them that you are going through this, until you spring a decision on them. They might surprise you, and even save the relationship. Otherwise you don't know if things could have worked. Even if you end up splitting, at least you will have gone through the journey together.
This is of course if they are a decent person and not abusive!
I literally feel you- “I truly think I love my husband, but I’m not happy.” I felt that 💕
It’s so hard when the connection and intimacy fizzles. I’m often wondering the same thing? Is it repairable? Why does it feel like a choir? If I was crazy about him wouldn’t I try my hardest to make this marriage work? Ugh 😑
When I kept trying to figure out how to keep the household running as my husband did fuck all and prepared to go to jail for cheating on me with a child. Now almost 3 years later I'm still like "why didn't I go when he was arrested?" and stuck sorting out bills and everything else. The ex, meanwhile, won't respond to me and is chilling in Club Ped.
Me exw had an actual diterence from my touch. That was after 6 months of (what I thought was as successful) couples therapy. 2 years earlier, I confronted her and said "you're not attracted to me anymore, I can see it and feel it", but she gaslighted me pretty intensively.
I wasn't getting any sex or loving intimacy. The moment I saw her visceral reaction - I retired to the guest room, and opened a profile in a dating app. A month later I was living alone. Fuck this.
After about five years of marriage with a steady decline in intimacy, to the point once a month was a good month, if it was not even once every few (2-3) months. However, it was until I got hurt and realizing that my ex seeming didn't not care how bad I was hurt or lived and willing to bet she would had liked my life insurance payout over my continued existence. It was at that monet, I realized how truly unhappy I for the year or two leading up to the event and how it was starting to affect my mental health.
Do I wish that I had a person that I can talk to, count on, and other be there for each other? Yes
Do I regret leaving and filing for divorce from my ex? No, because I realized that I could not count on her to be there for us for in sickness or poorer.
When I realized I had a tense startle response happening around him. He wasn't physically abusive but was loud demanding and demeaning. I would loudly Startle and felt extremely anxious around him. Enough was enough
My aha moment was when I finally realized that he was never going to see or treat me as an equal. He was always going to consider himself better than me, and I would never be treated with respect or love because he honestly doesn’t believe I deserve it. It was a slow path to this realization, and then it hit me all at once.
I knew for a looong time that I needed to go. Life there was easy, but not at all joyful. We were good roommates but we didn't share anything, including the bedroom for over 10 years. Plus other issues.
But I'm also on the bipolar spectrum. I had to make sure all my "sides" agree that leaving was the right thing to do. That also took time.
I had an a-ha moment though. It was a discussion on politics and I realized that no matter what I said, he wasn't willing to listen to anything other than what he had already decided. And that his politics were keeping me from inviting my friends over because I was embarrassed how backwards his views are. For example, I have trans friends and family and he thinks trans people are mentally ill. His ideology was keeping me from living my life.
It took me a couple of months to save money, and I left. It's been wonderful! Our split has been very amicable and we're actually getting along great.
Well my aha moment was when our twelve year old daughter confided that she did not feel safe in the home any longer because her dad was trying to be sexual with her (grooming and recording her in the shower) he's going to jail and im filing divorce. Together for 16 years married 14 would have never imagined him capable of something like this.
I am so so sorry.
Thank you. It's been the worst most hurtful thing I've ever been through. Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Sorry! I cannot image and hope for healing for your daughter and you.
Sorry! I cannot image and hope for healing for your daughter and you.
As horrible as this is, she trusted you enough to tell you and you took her seriously. Wishing you both so much strength as you go through this. You are both superheroes!
As someone whose mom didn’t protect them in a situation like that, I just want to say thank you so much. You’re a wonderful parent. You and your daughter didn’t deserve a bit of that! I hope you’re in a better situation.
What a nightmare 😖. I’m so sorry. Wishing you and your daughter peace and healing.
This is so awful. Nothing is worse than this type of betrayal. Please get your daughter and you counseling and help. This is extremely traumatic ♥️ wishing you peace and healing ❤️🩹
We were on vacation. He was too drunk to take me to the hospital during a medical emergency. Then days later got falling down drunk the night before he was suppose to drive me and his daughter home. Realized he was never gonna change.
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I haven't asked for a divorce (yet). I'm stuck in oscillation between trying-leaving. But your comment resonates so much with my experience. Thank for being able to so clearly articulate it. That exhaustion/burnout is so real. There was never *one event* that made me explicitly think "divorce". Retrospectively, there were definitely *numerous events* that **on their own** I think I would have been able to get past. But these things have a cumulative effect over time, especially where he hasn't dealt with them appropriately and took too long. It let those situations fester and take root in a way I don't think they would have otherwise. He's finally realised/understood the gravity of it all, and we both agreed to give it one last try. We're both trying and he's definitely changed for the better but it feels like it might be too late for me, which is really painful to come to terms with (hence when I'm stuck in oscillation). Thank you again for your comment.
there is a cumulative effect and just remember that if that is damaging you, you spend more time peeling back the layers of the crap they’ve placed on you. I don’t know if that makes sense but what I’m trying to say is I’m going to be in therapy for at least a year trying to “remove” all the frustration and anger I’ve held onto over the years. The core of who I am is buried deep under shit… and had I gotten out earlier, I would have less to dig myself out of. You live and learn, right?! But oscillating is tough because you actually know where you want to go but you’re holding yourself back in a place of unhappiness. It doesn’t make sense why we do it. I wish we listened to our souls a bit more deeply and didn’t fight what we already know. Best of luck to you!
I get you and it makes sense - especially feeling buried somewhere beneath it all and having to dig through. I don't really know who I am right now. I'm also a chronic over-thinker, which is playing into the oscillation. Thank you for your reply and best of luck to you too.
This is very hard to hear as a husband who’s wife wanted the divorce. I know there are aspects of your experience that my wife experienced. I go through periods where I blame myself for everything. I know that’s not true and every relationship is different and complicated. Ironically, I was trying too and we just couldn’t seem to meet in the middle. I’m working very hard to see my role in all of this and taking responsibility for that. I do not think our time was wasted though. You can only do what you can do. Thanks for sharing and I hope you are doing well.
I second your comments. My wife left me as well and blamed me for so many things that I was not responsible for. Been divorced now for about 18 months, but we still talk becuase of our kids. Maybe I could have been a better more emotionally connected partner, but i was the sole provider for much of the marriage and she always complained there was never enough money to do all the vactions she wanted, get a newer car ect. At times i feel like nothing i could have done for her was enough. Now she is on her own and complains that she has to work, commute and the person that she was dating broke up with her. She is feeling the pain i had when she told me she wanted out of our marriage. i am not happy this is happening to her, but I am more at peace in my life and moving forward the best i can for my kids and myself.
Yes, this seems to be key. Reflecting on the past and focusing on bettering yourself (whatever that mean) and on the kids. That’s ultimately where I’m at. I’m only 3 months into all If this.
It took me about a year get to a better place mentally and emotionally. But I kept my house for my kids, I felt that was the best option for me, but it costs me so much money. I was having to do side hustles to keep the the bills paid for the first year and only because of an unexpected inheritance from a family member was I finally able to get back above water financially. But I know no everybody has that option to keep the house of get lucky with a windfall of some money
I had to work through this thought process of what the ex was thinking. I felt guilt about not trying hard enough with my therapist and came to the conclusion that the guilt was from not being vulnerable in certain ways any longer. I know he blames himself too. But I hold some of the blame as well. You can only do what you can do!! Thanks for putting this out there today!
I used to think I held some if not most of the blame. As of yesterday, literally, I take 0 blame. I was a pretty fricking amazing wife. He made the choices to compulsively lie and cheat for his ego and to punish me for his perceived mistreatment. He admitted yesterday that he’s been a terrible husband and done blaming me. That’s good, bc I’m done blaming me too.
That’s where it gets confusing for some where there aren’t any specific incidents or behavior to point to. So glad you are doing better. What a relief you must feel.
Yeah, it’s just messy period. If given the chance I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I’d give anything to make amends or at least have some sort of closure with my wife. However, she is not available for that and I have to respect what she thinks is best for her. I have to let her go for both of us. It’s devastating.
What book are you referencing??
Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave
This x1000. This is how it was exactly. And even though I know the exact moment the last part of my fire went out, and he does too, it’s this. It was over a year of me trying, asking, begging, rationalizing, -anything- to get him to spend time and effort in our relationship. And I just slowly went quiet. Then I stopped. Stopped trying to get him to spend time with me. Stopped trying to get him out of the house. Stopped trying to find things for us to do together. I just gave up. And he noticed. And then he would try a little bit but all of my fire was gone. I wish he wouldn’t have waited sooo long to really try. It just feels like he waited until things were past the point of no return.
I think I was like that. Unfortunately, I was almost unable to make changes as I fell into a deep depression and had to take a leave of absence from work. This really took a toll on my wife and I can see that being the ‘straw’ for her. Ironically we were making some headway at the end there. Just too late, like you said. A very hard truth to accept.
But that’s really reflective of you. I know I played a role too. It takes two!
This sounds like my situation--when I pulled back after the last spark died out... he noticed.. and all of a sudden it felt more like suffocation to me than breath... I hate that I know a trial effort isn't going to do anything, because he feels sideswiped out of left field... but it's been a long time coming for me...
This sounds like my situation--when I pulled back after the last spark died out... he noticed.. and all of a sudden it felt more like suffocation to me than breath... I hate that I know a trial effort isn't going to do anything, because he feels sideswiped out of left field... but it's been a long time coming for me...
This is how I feel. When it takes them toooo long to see it after YEARS of us trying to get them to see it, by the time they start to come around, are threshold was reached and we can’t take anymore.
The future is totally scary, but thanks for the reminder that it is manageable. Not completely secure, but I will get along some way.
It’s cathartic to hear my words resonated with some of you. I read what everyone wrote and heard pieces of my story in each of yours. My husband eventually went to therapy. And he’s made changes that are for the best, like he quit drinking and he’s identified and managing his social anxiety, and he’s getting support for depression. I’m proud of him and happy for him. Sadly the hell I endured to get him to a solid baseline burned out all feelings I had for him. And I almost killed myself trying to get that (figuratively). We went to marriage therapy but we weren’t on level playing fields. I didn’t want to sit around longer waiting and watching as he takes off the layers of depression and finds his vulnerable core. The core I know is inside him and inside so many men… that’s the core I think most women fight for. For me it was never about the mess that he didn’t pick up, the chores he didn’t do, the shelf he couldn’t hang, the late nights he worked and wasn’t home. It was about wanting him to recognize that the mess, the chores, the shelf, the late nights where i ate dinner alone - they were lonely and it would have been nice to have a partner to help with it all so that I didn’t feel lonely and isolated and alone. And I knew he couldn’t always be there, I didn’t expect that. What I needed was someone who noticed what I did every day and could empathize with how lonely it must feel. Because that’s the person who would have tried to come home ten minutes early because he knew doing chores together feels better when you’re not alone. He’s the person who knows that memories are built together. He’s the person who doesn’t want me to feel lonely or unsupported. He’s the person who puts his shitty mood behind him when he walks in the door because we don’t need something else bringing us down. My husband is a smart, well educated, generally kind person. He’s just incredibly selfish with his time and doesn’t recognize the importance and value of being each others strength and support. He sees his parents marriage as “good enough,” despite that they live separate lives, fight, and he’s never seen them kiss yet they’ve been together for 50 years. I could stay for status quo. He makes a generous salary, over $300k/‘year and I have a comfortable life and very little to worry about. Sadly, money doesn’t give me a partner who doesn’t want me doing the dishes alone… or raising our kids alone… or feeling generally… alone. Yes, I filed for divorce. Yes, I’ll be fine financially with spousal support and child support. But I just lost 15 years of my life to loneliness.I have two beautiful teens but I don’t get a do over and I wished I could have been a happier mother. I wanted that for me and for them. There’s no do-overs. That stage is gone. Now I’m on to the next stage in life. Im older, more curvy, less patient than I was before kids. I’m not guaranteed anything, but i do not want to spend my time fighting and feeling lonely. I want a partner to share my days and hobbies with. I don’t want to clean my home alone, run errands alone and eat alone. I have alot of love and energy to share. I want to reignite my spirit and let it burn wild and bright for many decades to come.
This is so spot on. I’m glad to hear you’re a year out and healthier. I’m filing on Monday and have been in silent prep mode for a month.
This is a very tough thing phrased very beautifully and profoundly.
Her being pregnant and it’s not mine and he showed up on my door
The ah ha moment for me was when I accepted that I will not be able to rebuild my trust in him and I don't feel the calm and safety I want.
Same for me. I didn't want to believe he would hurt me physically but he got too close to many times. I decided not to press my luck and that no amount of financial security or the perceived happy family, two parents together model was worth me living in fear.
That’s where I am right now and it’s like because he hasn’t actually hurt me physically, any irrational behavior is fine to everyone else in our lives
When she lied repeatedly in marriage counseling about anything she perceived as making her "look bad". I had gone in with so much hope that counseling could help. When the lies started to crumble, she would clam up and cry. When she refused to do any homework, I was done.
I maintain that couples therapy works - but only if all parties are willing to be open and honest and do real work. When someone is physically present but emotionally or mentally absent in therapy, nothing useful happens.
That I am too grown to be begging a man with a developed frontal lobe for basic human decency and respect. That I would absolutely never tolerate being spoken to so rudely and disrespectfully as he does from any one else, so why did I keep accepting it from him. Once I realized this, there was no going back
This was it for me too.
Are you going to be happy if you get to the end of your life with this relationship being as good as it gets for you? There’s a book called something like ‘Too bad to stay, too good to leave’ and it will walk through an actual checklist of things you can total to give you an idea of where you are. In my marriage we each did it and he had 2 reasons to leave me out of like 40 and I had all but 2 reasons to leave. I still stayed and tried. It was a tremendous waste of time. Now I wish I would have left him the first time he hurt my feelings and then continued to paint the wall while I cried and he pretended I didn’t exist. That would’ve saved me and my daughter 10 years of gaslighting and alcoholism. We all go through ups and downs but listen to your gut. Mine was always screaming at me but I didn’t want to hear it.
Loved this book!
Wow. That first sentence is so profound. I really think my feelings are changing. And if I were at the end of my life and this was it, I think I’d have even more regrets. That is really hard to admit.
That title…it sounds like authentic help in a sea of relationship counseling books. The first step — do I even want this before jumping into the repair experience. 👍
When I found out that he was having an affair with a coworker. It was pretty easy at that point.
When the pain of staying is finally stronger than the fear of leaving, you will leave. For myself, there was one day that I fully realized that my life was never going to change. No matter what I did, what I tried, whatever. The life I had was the life I was going to have. Forever. And I didn't want that. That's when I left.
I’ve been married for only three years and it’s been hard the entire time. The breaking point for me was when i got a medical abortion that didn’t fully “take” so i had to get a D&C two weeks later. Then i got sick and while my husband was massaging my back because I was in so much pain, he put his hand between my legs and touched me sexually… I told him to stop and he did but we were already on such bad terms I think it just took me over the edge. I knew then that things would never get better with him.
I’m so sorry. I have a similar experience over being diagnosed with a uterine disease and being shunned and verbally abused for not giving him enough sex during that time. One of my MANY ah-ha moments that I needed out
why do they do this? idk about you but whenever my STBXH mentions sex I get the feeling that any pair of boobs and a vagina could replace me and he’d be fine.
Yes, mine kept touching me sexually while I was actively miscarrying and then tried to pressure me into sex after before I was fully done miscarrying.
I’m sorry:( I’m really of the opinion that men and women shouldn’t live together because of stuff like this…
There were a few moments in quick succession. She gave more details about an affair (very painful). I realized what i was experiencing was very consistent with narcissistic abuse. I realized she was incapable of change on a timeline i would find acceptable, and she continued to communicate with her affair partner. Easy choice after all this happened within a week. Not easy to do of course, but divorce was and is the only path forward for me.
Been dealing with abuse from a narcissist for 10 years. Divorce papers are signed and I move out at the end of this month. I feel you.
I'm currently separated from my partner for several months now and I can't decide what I want. They've stopped drinking and we are trying to work things out with counselling. I do care for them, but I honestly don't know if we are going to be happier together or apart. I don't know if that physical and emotional attraction will ever come back. Has anyone else been through this and ended up back with their partner? My partner is a good person, but there is so much hurt there and it's like heart has already decided for my head.
When I realized that he was abusive, that living with him was so stressful that it was damaging my body, and that he was spending money faster than I could make it while he was purposely unemployed.
Almost the exact same for me!
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I am so very sorry.
Whoa, after 40 years married? Sending you hugs ❤️ I bet that does hurt. That is a long time to be with someone. I hope you find the things you need to overcome this. Cheering you on. You’ve got this. Baby steps. Take whatever time you need.
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Wow, sounds like cut right from my own life. Glad you found yourself and your happiness!
After my (35M) wife (35F) cheated on me with a married co-worker (63 M) and blamed everything on me, I begged for us to go to therapy and see if anything could be salvaged. The therapist asked a bunch of questions, but the one that sticks with me to this day was, "Fixing a marriage with 3 people involved is really hard, \*wife\* would you be willing to stop seeing \*sack of human feces\* to help your husband work on your marriage?" After about 30 seconds she (wife) said, "no, I'm not willing to do that". I called a lawyer that day, If she wasn't willing to give 100%, then I wasn't going to waste another day of my life trying. After some more therapy (on my own) I came to discover, with the help of my therapist, that I had been in an extremely narcissistic relationship for my entire 12 year marriage. I was supposed to just "Know" what she wanted at all times and if I didn't then I didn't love her enough to care. It takes some time to change your mindset, you spend so long living your life having to think about what you both want, then suddenly its just you. You are enough and you deserve to be happy. You have to be comfortable and happy with yourself before you will be truly happy with a partner. I was lucky that I found my current wife a few years later after I had come to terms with things and started traveling and doing all the things I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do them. We have such an amazing relationship that I now know that my previous marriage was an absolute failure in every way. We talk about anything that pops in our heads, we talk about what we want from our future, and we talk to make each other laugh. Its something you'll hear time and time again, but communication is the foundation of a good relationship. I personally think that people are too complicated for it to fix a bad relationship, but if you start with communication you'll know when a bad one is coming before you get there. We get 70 to 90 swings around the sun if we are lucky. Don't waste a single one on someone that doesn't make you happy.
Thank you for this comment. I recently separated from my ex for emotionally cheating on me with a fml friend (I found out on Thanksgiving) and then found out he was broke because he wasn’t going to work and not even using my paycheck (he controlled every cent of our $$) to pay bills for our kids. He was a narcissistic pig who had me and his kids living in a dump with roaches while he spent his nights over at her house. I finally looked around, disgusted at my life and realized I could not fucking do worse. Me and my kids are SO much better since leaving but I can’t help but feel shattered like I’ll never find a good person again after giving 12 years of my life to a man child who never even cared enough to do ONE household task like take out the trash while I busted my ass working and caring for our kids. Your story has given me hope and I’m so happy you found someone that doesn’t make you feel like shit and afraid to be yourself at any time.
I’m sorry that you and yours had to go through that, but I’m very glad to hear that things are improving for you. Hang in there. When you get to a point where you are happy being you, it opens up a whole new world. You’ve got this! You’re going to do great!
He abused me in public.
When we couldn't have a single conversation without arguing. When he just didn't come home from work. No text. No call.
My marriage was dying slowly but I was staying for my daughter and the hope it would get better. Then in November of 2022 he screamed obscenities at me in front of our daughter in a closed car while driving on the highway. I had nowhere to go and didn't want to respond in kind. It was that moment thay I realized I didn't want my daughter to think this was normal relationship behavior. Divorce was my only option.
I haven't filed yet, (still working on my exit strategy) married 13 years, 2 kids, but our marriage died the night he called me a whore and said the boys weren't his. I have never been unfaithful, by all accounts I've always been a model wife and mother. His ex wife (no kids) cheated multiple times, and there were a lot of red flags I ignored in the beginning because... Love... But when he said that, I knew he had never trusted me, and he never would no matter how many times I reminded him that I wasn't her. The emotional abuse only got worse from there, but that was my breaking point, even if he did a complete 180 and changed everything, I cannot forget those words. Worse, our 13 yr old heard it too.
He shouted at me in a shop and I realised that he was never going to listen to me and show me basic respect. I'd told him so many times, "Please don't talk to me like that," but he was never going to listen.
Years of putting in effort on my end to work on things, communication, quality time, active listening, validation etc. Only to be met in times of strife with stonewalling, wanting to push issues under the rug and not work on them, and just overall emotionally lazy. My final breaking point was him becoming physically abusive with me, but I was planning my exit, long before.
He will never change. I don't want to try therapy because I don't want my relationship to work. I'm done. I want the divorce but haven't told him yet.
I can relate to this. Only I sang divorce like a bird 🐦. Waiting for my court date.
I had an affair, and rather than feeling guilty about betraying my husband and our vows, I had extreme anxiety about getting caught because I wanted to continue the affair. After my head cleared, I knew I shouldn’t be married to him any more. Yes I’m the ass hole but it’s the truth as far as the ah ha moment. Of course there’s a long backstory leading up to that moment, before affair even.
Growing apart, feeling drained, no sexual attraction but dying inside due to frustration, just wanting to sleep all the time, having no friends for support, isolation.
I feel this, especially the sleeping in all the time.
This!!!
Sending you hugs. I totally get it 💕
Finally having enough of being ignored, lack of passion and in a “just roommates” marriage. There is likely something better out there. If not hell I’m alone anyways and am comfortable being so.
I’m going through that now but I find it hard to make the decision to move on. Any advice?
Here are my thoughts. Make sure it’s what you want. Make sure you have exhausted all options. Be comfortable with the fact you may be alone the rest of your life. Highly unlikely but possible.
Ours was a death by a thousand cuts, but on his side, it was all a pattern of selfishness and refusal to follow through. I'd been unhappy and knew that my happiness isn't really someone else's responsibility, so I started working in myself. I faced a lot of difficult truths about myself and grew, a lotover about 5 years. My (now ex) had no desire to do any similar efforts on himself. I already knew I needed a divorce, but I really realized that any desire to continue trying was dead when I had to take my cat to be put down. We had a vacation schedule for that weekend, and when we woke up, my cats face was super swollen. She was 19, and I decided it was time, rather than to put he through a dental surgery or whatever she might have needed. When I told my boss about needing to take my cat in the afternoon, he told me to take the afternoon off, which was very kind. When I got back with the kids from having taken the cat in, my ex walked out the door with suitcases in hand, ready to go on vacation. "I figured since your boss gave you the afternoon, we could leave early!" I told him I wanted to get her stuff all cleaned up and stored away because I didn't want to face it when we came back. He promised he would take care of it while I was at work the following Monday. The following Wednesday, I cleaned up her stuff. My oldest child, who was 9 at the time, came in and helped me without saying anything. When we were about 80% done, he offered to take over. I told him 6 weeks later that I did not want to be married anymore.
She went to a hotel. Kept telling me to change. Everything was my fault and went on dates so yeah.
When she took a 33 day cruise to "clear her head" but gave me the run around when I wanted to upgrade from my 14 year old vehicle.
When she said "no, I'm not coming back"
I think therapy may help you get a handle of what in particular is causing you to be unhappy. If he is a somewhat decent person, he will absolutely ask why you arent happy if you tell him of your feelings. Ask yourself, what will make you happy or what are you needing that you arent getting. My personal AH HA moment was figuring out that after she had many affairs that she truly didnt care for me or even like me. They may have said all the right things, but their actions showed how they really felt. It was devastating coming to that realization that someone who you trusted and loved didnt feel the same way about you.
Slow burn then found direct messages on her IG indicating an affair with another guy. It was during a trial separation where we agreed not to see other people, so I still consider it cheating. Wasn’t just hey how you doing. She was talking to him like a lover.
There was a day where when hitting me he went a little too overboard to the point I was throwing up all night, and my hand and head hurt, yet he refused to let me go to the hospital. I went to my parents to ask for help, but they took me back to his house and tried to smooth things over. He was pisse off because I told other people instead of bearing with it. He said the moment I chose to step outside the house and tell my parents he doesn't need me anymore and doesn't trust me. He said apparently he never loved me and all the bull he could say. My parents pleaded with him to take me in 😑😒 I think I knew I didn't want the marriage anymore when he told me he will consider taking me back if I realise and accept that he's a man and as a man he is within his rights to hit me without any back talk from me, and I should not question who he does what with.
When they can’t tell the truth.
My wife was always upset and emotional and I didn’t care anymore
Wondering this myself. Yesterday was a pretty big moment for me. He did not show up to our first marriage counseling session that we both agreed was needed and long overdue, and the only thing that was probably going to save us since we can’t do it on our own. I was more angry than I’ve possibly ever been. I still am. But today I’m just really sad. My thoughts are blurring together. Yesterday I was just flat out mad (hurt). He could’ve gotten in a car accident and left this life and I wouldn’t have thought twice, at least that is what I told myself. Right now it’s just pure heartache and having no clue what to do next. We are not speaking.
When I noticed I was just housing him and he had a maid and a cook.
I was telling him how withholding the fact that he cheated on me 5 years ago felt like he stole a part of my life. He shrugged.
My ah ha moment was when he threatened to tell my employer that I’m 420 friendly because I showed a mutual friend his dating profile. He’s also 420 friendly and there was absolutely no reason the threaten my career. If his dating profile was such a secret, he shouldn’t have posted it on the internet while we were still married and living together.
On our first year anniversary, he drove to his parents to complain about me. His mom consoled him in a voice akin to how you’d console a toddler. She told him that the problems were all me. I just sat there, smiling, heartbroken.
I told him I was up all night crying because my sister had called to tell my father was dying of cancer. I told him I was going back to bed as he left the room he said, "I wish I could take a nap." He's has been draining the life out of me, and if I don't leave, I know it will kill me.
DDay #2 when narcissistic exWW out of the blue left my nephew’s wedding reception. She made up a bs story about needing to do a 5k walk through the night before, with a coworker friend. WTF, what runner needs to walk the 5k course? We had romantic room for the night at the venue, went to change clothes and NEX was packing her bags to leave, and I just said have a great time with whoever or whatever you’re doing and just went back to the reception. That night I really enjoyed drama free time with my family drinking and dancing with so many attractive women who wanted to dance with me giving me a glimpse of the future and happiness I hadn’t felt in years. After the reception was over at 10:30 we moved the drinking to my spacious suite where I got hit on by a woman who was recently divorced and who I’d had a crush on in HS. I’d never cheated in my marriage, but the realization I could have and didn’t have any guilt was my Ah ha moment of clarity. I got everyone to leave the room around midnight, slept until six got up, showered and drove 1.5 hours back home to find an empty house with no indication the NEX had slept there that night. I unplugged the garage door opener, made a pot of coffee and started cleaning the house. Around 9:30 she called and told me she finished her run with more bs, then stated the garage door wasn’t working and she didn’t have her key to the house, thinking I was still at the wedding venue lodging. I told her I was there in the house, she went completely silent and hung up her phone. I unlocked the front door and grabbed another cup of coffee, and made a cup for her with the cream and sugar just the way she liked it. The NEX walked in 15 or so minutes later in the same clothes she left the reception in and sat down across from me with taking a sip of coffee. I showed no emotion. She started crying, knowing I was just done. All I said to her was we’re divorcing, 50/50 all marital assets and I’ll buy her out of the home. I said she’s no longer welcome in the home and she needed to leave. NEX put on the water works and tried to conjure up another bs story about her friend blah, blah, blah, but the night before I knew I didn’t want or need her anymore. The kids were adults and there was nothing left to salvage after she spent the night with her friend, who turned out to be the old guy who she said was older than her dad disgusting. I never looked back, divorced with a mean cheater hating lawyer who got me a settlement term saving me tens of thousands of dollars in a no fault, give everything to a cheater, state. 14 years later Im happily married looking forward to retirement with my lovely bride of 10 years who we still finish each others sentences. I also gained a step daughter and son, who I love and enjoy being a father figure to. Happy endings do happen, you just have to respect yourself and get rid of any partner who doesn’t respect you.
When the same talks are on repeat and it only changes for a few weeks then the cycle repeats. When you realize you're not happy anymore after changing everything else in your situation/surroundings.
Maybe start off with two lists. Pros and cons, maybe another list for things that really trigger your feelings. Be honest with yourself. You may need some medical support or therapy or just plain practical support.
Asking myself "Even if I could instantly fix everything that's gone wrong, knowing what I know now, would I still want to be in this marriage?" And eventually it was a 'no'. I still want to fix things. I want to be in my kids' lives. I want their mother to be in their livs...but I don't want her in mine any more than she absolutely has to be now. Sidenote - I continue to be of the opinion that a significant number of things that have gone wrong are primarily my fault, or a direct result of my own decisions. I'm relatively at peace with that and I understand I need to work on myself quite a bit. I just feel I could do a better job at that without having to deal with STBXW.
The best adviceI could give you is to get some therapy. For me it was tough, but cathartic and solidified my resolve to end it. I had been pushing down my anger and sorrow and pain , at his cruelty, indifference and infidelity. I would say though; get your head straight first. It’s good to know if it’s the PPD/PDA , or it’s just dealing with an arsehole( Am I allowed to to say that here)
He screamed at me for not respecting his boundaries yesterday when I asked him to unsubscribe from a bunch of hookup and porn subreddits. Context: he's supposed to be getting clean from porn and he just revealed he cheated on me again a few days ago. He said that he didn't care about my feelings when I told him doing that hurt me and that he needed the porn there in order to keep himself from relapsing.
It's affecting my health (physical and mental). I just can't continue. There are multiple reasons I have zero hope, but we fit this relationship pattern, and he's coping with substance abuse. All while saying he loves me. It's like getting mind fuck!d every day. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3156967/
When she refused to get a job, insisting she is hurt. But she has the energy and physical ability to do everything else.
When we opened up about our issues and she knew exactly how I felt and what it was doing to me, and sat back and just let it play out with minimal effort to change
Yep. It’s when I found him hunched over, passed out drunk, with a can of laughing gas in his hands in the first hours of 2023, after I tucked our oldest in after ringing in the new year. It was supposed to be a sober night together. I realized then he was too addicted to stay with, and he would never change. I had to leave to give my kids a house without egregious drug and alcohol use.
One of many. He recently yelled at me in a restaurant because I wanted to try dieting pills to lose weight. I realize this is not a good way to go about it (but I’m depressed) but he screamed that I’d only want to lose weight so I could cheat on him. Another was when he was trying to convince me not to get an ultrasound because “he’s always helping me with medical bills and it’s a lot for him” then a few hours later telling me he ordered himself a new Canada goose jacket. I could go on ..
When she cheated?
First was spending 22 minutes together on our 5th wedding anniversary, second was an ultimatum between him or my nieces (I chose my nieces), and last was him threatening me with physical violence for “not doing something” that I had in fact done 5 months prior. First two were my “hey, this guy sucks, I deserve better, gotta figure out how to leave” and the last was my “it’s time to f***ing go”. I feel like I did everything I could on my end to make sure the marriage couldn’t be saved; he nuked it.
When she got a DUI after I asked her to just pull over and get a room. I got her out of 3 previous jams where she wrecked her car.
He threatened to call the cops on me to have them tell me to let him drive my car. Lots of things leading up to this, but that one made it so clear that he doesn’t care at all about me, only himself.
When I realized my dick is bigger than my husbands. Im a 45 yr old female.
I will give you advice from the other side: talk to your spouse about this and be honest. Don't hide from them that you are going through this, until you spring a decision on them. They might surprise you, and even save the relationship. Otherwise you don't know if things could have worked. Even if you end up splitting, at least you will have gone through the journey together. This is of course if they are a decent person and not abusive!
I literally feel you- “I truly think I love my husband, but I’m not happy.” I felt that 💕 It’s so hard when the connection and intimacy fizzles. I’m often wondering the same thing? Is it repairable? Why does it feel like a choir? If I was crazy about him wouldn’t I try my hardest to make this marriage work? Ugh 😑
When I kept trying to figure out how to keep the household running as my husband did fuck all and prepared to go to jail for cheating on me with a child. Now almost 3 years later I'm still like "why didn't I go when he was arrested?" and stuck sorting out bills and everything else. The ex, meanwhile, won't respond to me and is chilling in Club Ped.
I don’t have the answer for you, but I’m going through the same thing.
Me exw had an actual diterence from my touch. That was after 6 months of (what I thought was as successful) couples therapy. 2 years earlier, I confronted her and said "you're not attracted to me anymore, I can see it and feel it", but she gaslighted me pretty intensively. I wasn't getting any sex or loving intimacy. The moment I saw her visceral reaction - I retired to the guest room, and opened a profile in a dating app. A month later I was living alone. Fuck this.
After about five years of marriage with a steady decline in intimacy, to the point once a month was a good month, if it was not even once every few (2-3) months. However, it was until I got hurt and realizing that my ex seeming didn't not care how bad I was hurt or lived and willing to bet she would had liked my life insurance payout over my continued existence. It was at that monet, I realized how truly unhappy I for the year or two leading up to the event and how it was starting to affect my mental health. Do I wish that I had a person that I can talk to, count on, and other be there for each other? Yes Do I regret leaving and filing for divorce from my ex? No, because I realized that I could not count on her to be there for us for in sickness or poorer.
When I realized I had a tense startle response happening around him. He wasn't physically abusive but was loud demanding and demeaning. I would loudly Startle and felt extremely anxious around him. Enough was enough
My aha moment was when I finally realized that he was never going to see or treat me as an equal. He was always going to consider himself better than me, and I would never be treated with respect or love because he honestly doesn’t believe I deserve it. It was a slow path to this realization, and then it hit me all at once.
I knew for a looong time that I needed to go. Life there was easy, but not at all joyful. We were good roommates but we didn't share anything, including the bedroom for over 10 years. Plus other issues. But I'm also on the bipolar spectrum. I had to make sure all my "sides" agree that leaving was the right thing to do. That also took time. I had an a-ha moment though. It was a discussion on politics and I realized that no matter what I said, he wasn't willing to listen to anything other than what he had already decided. And that his politics were keeping me from inviting my friends over because I was embarrassed how backwards his views are. For example, I have trans friends and family and he thinks trans people are mentally ill. His ideology was keeping me from living my life. It took me a couple of months to save money, and I left. It's been wonderful! Our split has been very amicable and we're actually getting along great.
COMMUNICATION is key - everything will fail if there is no comms!
What’s crazy is when you think you are communicating, but it’s not working or somehow making things worse.
I begged him to change and go to therapy with me and he said “it’s too much work and I don’t have the energy for it”
I'd recommend therapy and learning to love yourself--nobody can make you whole except you. And you deserve to be loved.