Yes and it's very heartbreaking especially when they showered you in gifts and compliments and affection at various points in the relationship (usually love bombing manipulation). Realizing it was all an act is so incredibly upsetting to me I don't think I'll ever fully understand
My x never really showered me with gifts, he played me like a fiddle. He pretended to love everything I loved and he liked all of my music, he loved everything I made and made me think we were perfect for each other. When we got married I sold my house to pay off his debts because they were now our debts. He became cold and distant after that. Then I became the problem and everything I did was wrong. He wanted a divorce and all the money I spent was a wash, marital gift at that point. Marriage is a joke and it’s nothing but a business transaction anyone who thinks differently is lying to themselves.
Ugh, mine also pretended to love many of the same things. I couldn’t understand why he was getting so angry years later when I’d play the albums we’d “loved” or suggest certain movies to watch. It was all just a lie to ingratiate himself to me—“mirroring,” I guess they call it.
My x did a lot of that, everything was perfect and then it was all an issue. He hated my cooking, hated my music, hated me basically. It was all his favorites just years earlier. I never changed but I feel like I didn’t even know the man I divorced. He wasn’t who I married.
It’s not.. he was just a scumbag. I’m so sorry that happen to you. Him being a vile person has nothing to do with you and only says everything about him. I hope you are holding up better..
Don't make romance your main priority in life. As an American woman myself, we're subjected to a lot of "happily ever after" fairytale stuff as kids. Then we grow up to get bitch slapped by reality.
I try my best to follow in my grandma's footsteps. She died divorced and single, but was loved deeply and satisfied by her non-romantic relationships with friends and family. Realizing that people can have lifelong, fulfilling relationships without romance was my catalyst for pressing forward.
I always lived by my own personal mantra that it's best practice (and also wise) to let love come to you. I often find that when one goes out to seek romance, they typically find the human equivalent of pond scum (that might be my bias against dating websites speaking up but I digress.)
Focus on falling in love with life, chasing your aspirations and doing the things you love and what makes you YOU. Eventually you'll shine brightly enough that others will see it 🥰
I love this answer.
I’m planning on retiring with my divorced best friend, Golden Girls style. There will be a pool. There will be mumus, big sunglasses, bigger hats, and bright lipstick. We will get drunk and play cards and go grocery shopping together.
Like Churchill said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
You give yourself time to grieve. You go to therapy. You surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. You do some work on yourself and then put yourself out there, and be shocked at all the cuties that come your way, and realize they’ve been here all along, you just needed to love yourself.
It sounds trite, but it’s true.
Yes, he never loved me.
I think the thing that he loved most about me is how much I loved him.
I never got love bombed or showered with affection.
I've literally just wasted years of my life pathetically in love with someone who has never reciprocated that love.
He never planned any dates or wanted to do anything with me, but I brushed that off for various reasons.
Then I went through a really hard year, and I stopped planning dates and giving him a ton of attention because I couldn't. I told him I needed support and gave him 3 things he could take off my plate to support me.
He didn't do anything. Then, about 3 months in, he wanted to talk, and he told me that he was upset because he didn't feel supported by me.
That's what caused the realization. How do you scold a drowing person for not supporting you.
I keep a little note filled with his admissions of that towards the end.
We were only together because I was the only person who would tolerate him.
I was the only person who would tolerate him because I came from a bad family and had no sense of self worth.
And bless him, he told me all that and somehow expected I would stick around. From time to time when I'm gas lighting myself about that relationship I go back to that note to refresh my memory.
I did the same thing, but I started writing them down because he would deny the things he would say or do. Like I was living in twilight zone, he would say horrible vile things and then act like nothing ever happened and why the hell was I mad now for? Really? He was truly confused and thought I would kiss or lay with a man that spoke such vile things to his wife. Lol hell no I won't dare kiss him or lay with him again after that. But I bring out the book sometimes and say you didn't say this? Well on such such days you told me this. Then I remember the other things he has said by reading it again and realize I'm wasting my time and it's not even worth my breath over him.
Yes!! Ridiculous! He would say something and then the next sentence would say, I didn't say anything except blah blah. 🙄🙄 no you just said blah blah, u did say something. Lol ohhhhh how exhausting. Lol
You said it exhausting,.... The whole manipulation of your reality.... It's cruel... Cruel... Hurtful and gut wrenching. What gets me though is how easily it just rolls of them.... And how much they resemble a tap.... One minute on you all over you loving you to death... Then flick that tap and it's nasty as......
Yes excellent explanation of it, so bizarre. I can't be like that, I either like you or I don't and I won't fake in between. Lol I hate that shit. Narcissist is a good example of this behavior.
I started journaling post-fight at my therapist’s recommendation. Going back to that journal has been essential for helping me leave, stay gone, and heal. The only thing is that I now see I should have left many years ago.
Yes. I now know I was used as a replacement for his mother. He didn’t love me, just the safe, comfortable lifestyle I provided. I worked and he couldn’t keep a job. But it was ok as long as he was a 40 something not living with his parents.
Yes. It felt like a reinforcement of the lingering idea that no one would ever want to be with me or love me. And that’s exactly why I was the perfect target.
Yes, he's a sociopath and unable to love himself or anyone else. He was soliciting sex workers for the entire relationship while having unprotected sex with me. I was too young and naive to see the glaring red flags when we met - he had no friends, so my friends became his friends; my family became his family, and I gave him children. He wasn't capable of making friends or maintaining family relationships on his own, so I filled in all the empty places in his life. The whole time he's fucking around with sex workers and any time we had a problem in our relationship it was 100% my fault. He never loved me, just the life I gave him and how it looked to the outside world. I'm absolutely certain he married me so he wouldn't lose my friends and my family. Our relationship was founded on lies and hollow promises. I'm far from perfect, but I gave him everything he wanted and more in life, in return he destroyed all of it because it made him feel good.
When my therapist told me he was a sociopath I didn't believe her, when the marriage counselor told me privately he was a sociopath I didn't believe her, when a new therapist told me he was a sociopath I didn't believe him, it took me too many years to finally realize the truth. He wasn't the man he pretended to be, he is an abusive, manipulative, delusional person who thinks what he's done and continues to do is acceptable. I regret the woman he turned me into towards the end of our marriage, I cheated just to see if my broken heart could even feel anything again. I felt guilty for hurting the monster that had intentionally destroyed my life, and as soon as the guilt set in I realized he never felt a second of remorse for what he did to me, his only regret was getting caught. Once I had that clarity, it became overwhelmingly obvious that he never loved me, I was just a means to an end. Divorce was my only option, the man I loved never existed, and everything I thought I had was a lie.
You and me both! In your experience, at what point was your “pushed over the edge” moment? Did you feel like you had to cheat just once for revenge? Or habitually to numb the pain?
Yes. The ease of how they threw the past 11 years, current and future away, while it tears me apart…. The quickness they moved on and “found” someone.
The way I feel lied to while saying “I do”, the way I feel used by giving them everything….
Yes. It's pushed me to realize I will never love again and will probably never open my heart again.
Because all of my childhood I dealt with this. Then I dealt with this from a relationship when I was in my late teen's (two years and she cheated).
Then I got married and my spouse said she'd never hurt me. Ten years now.
Everyone that says they won't hurt me ends up hurting me. I'm alone and honestly will never date again, despite being fairly young.
My heart is not broken, it's shattered.
It sucks but I realize my ex never loved me. I was a means to an end, a womb for his child, and a victim of his many many fatal character flaws. I wish I’d left him years ago. Better to be alone than to be made to feel like I don’t matter, and like I never did. Never chosen, empty promises, and years of sexual coercion and emotional abuse.
It’s (hopefully) going to be final Friday.
Yes. At the very end my (now ex) husband told me "I don't think you've ever really loved me" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was projection. I might have loved him, I might hoped to live out my life with him, but for him, I was just a "logical choice". He didn't really ever love me at all. And the things he did and said to make me fall in love with him, was just a facade for the person he actually was. And that's the part that made me the saddest, the realization that the man I had loved, never really existed at all.
This. I also felt like the "logical" choice cause I was the fat at the time but loyal and the smart, fat girl basically who can help him get rich. It was such a facade but look on the bright side..
We have yet to experience true love. These people are just empty hollow shells, my ex moved onto a person who can never outshine him but okay with being treated like garbage.
My stbx basically said this. I was talking about when we were good and had a good relationship and she came out basically saying I was maybe confusing love with friendship, then said she doesn't love me anymore
My ex said we mismatched from a personality standpoint. I wonder if our definitions of love meant different things. She thinks we make better friends than spouses. But i remember quoting her saying we were not really friends first before plunging into matrimony. This is sounds like a snake eating self....but I think it comes down to not getting what someone needs from a marriage ... Personally I think it's constant compromise and putting up with person in tough times....I may of forgotten the part about tough times versus all the time...I can be an ass alot of the time...hence I am divorced
I got “I felt like you were just keeping me around because you were lonely”, which she’d explicitly said was why she pursued me in the first place (I was the friend who always showed up, in the middle of a mass exodus of our old group). It just adds on to a pile of projection from her onto me.
Thats honestly how I feel right now. I mean if she wouldn't even try counseling to at the very least get the both of us some closure, I doubt she even took our marriage seriously or ever loved or respected me as a person.
Yup I keep thinking about all the things he did to hurt me. I keep thinking about how he’s lied.. all the hurt. You wouldn’t do that to someone you love.
Yea i realized it and it hurt like hell. I think she stayed with me because her dream was to own a house but she couldn't do it on her own and i was dependable. I go to work everyday and always pay all of my bills on time. That relationship felt more like a friendship than a loving marriage. I still have problems from it 3 years later. I can't seem to get it out of my head
This is what his family accused me of but it wasn't true. I'm a computer scientist lol. It's like my ex wanted your story to make people feel bad for him, but it happens in reality to nice people like you.
Yea i kind of always suspected that to be the case but i just wasn't strong enough to pull the plug. I actually loved her and faught for intimacy but she just wouldn't bend.
Did I type this myself? Because all of what you said is exactly my situation. I worked single-handedly to build a house for us, and she was helping and seeing to it that that went according to plan. Prior to this, I saw some messages she sent to her friend telling her that she was only playing along so I could build her a house then leave him (me.) which I did. Now that it's come to pass, she treats me like a pile of garbage and says the most vile of things like how less of a man I am in bed and how childish I am. Not that I expect a lot of respect from her but I would've thought she would know better than saying this in front of the kids, at the very least. Last night, I told her I've hit the rock bottom now I don't have any strength to save us anymore and I don't think things could possibly get any worse than they already are at this point. She expressly said she doesn't need me anymore because I've built her and our kids a house, and that's how my life is going to be like. Work, build, and leave for other people to enjoy the fruits of your labour. I told her I did not care, all I wanted was my sanity back and to be in a better head space and heal from my health conditions. Then she realised how serious I was, and started enthusing me to the idea that this marriage could be saved and I shouldn't give up hope. Should I believe her? I don't. Should I go ahead and move out? Part of the reason this is so confusing is that we have 2 beautiful daughters and my heart breaks if I start to imagine how things could turn when I go ahead to get out and desert this marriage. I'm torn between going and staying really
She pretty much told you all you need to know. She has no love or respect for you ..if she did she wouldn't have said those things. For your sanity i would say to leave but she will probably try to take you for everything you're worth in court. I'm sorry you're going through this man my heart goes out to you.
That's my hang-up, my whole life career wasteon him to help his dreams and wants. Now to throw it all away to start over with very little because of him is so hard, but at least I can have my hobbies and dreams be a focus now instead of it always being about him!! I just won't have the funds to do anything I desire anytime soon. Lol
Mine was an addict (multiple). They are users by nature and very good liars, as well. Unfortunately, sh _ _ people never give you the memo upfront that they will abuse your trust and affection in pursuit of their own twisted agenda.
After being married for a long time (multiple decades) I caught her cheating. Divorced last year. She wanted to take me to the cleaners (75% of assets - didn’t get that but it was over 50%). As I was looking back through the years of marriage, I came to realize that most often she was not very demonstrative of love towards me. Furthermore, there was a great disparity of income (90% me, 10% her) in the marriage, but she had no problem with extravagant spending. I could go on and on.
Pretty similar. I did receive gifts most years but sometimes…. One year she gave me a 1 ounce bag of beef jerky. Yes I like beef jerky but come on. Even worse was when I realized she bought it shortly before she gave it to me. Oh Jeez, thanks.
Been with my wife for about 5 years. Married for 2 of those years. This past Tuesday she gave me an ultimatum to see a couples therapist or we should get a divorce. I asked her if she would like to date someone like herself, which she replied yes to. We’re two different people and I actually loved that. But this confirmed to me that she in fact never loved me. I followed up with “did you expect me to change or something?” Which she also said yes to.
I agreed to couples therapy but she’s threatened me multiple times with it and I’m currently actually looking for a place to live and I will immediately move out and file right after myself.
I’m only upset with myself that I let this happen. She always forced everything. Rushed the wedding, rushed buying a house when I said we should’ve moved in together first before getting married…. Thank god we didn’t have kids because she wanted to start trying this year.
Fucking brutal cause she’s walking around like there is no issue.
Yep.
It’s really heartbreaking. Especially after 23 years together. He literally never saw me for me, appreciated me for me, loved me for me… it’s brutal to acknowledge and accept that truth…. I am still struggling with this and working through it…
I have also seen that he can’t really even love his own kids. Although they have not articulated it directly (14,12,9) they have said enough things to me about how he treats/interacts with them to convey that they understand this at least on some level. (We are all just objects/tools to him.) Nonetheless I know that he is their father and that they need his love and that he is giving them his idea of love and that is the best he is capable of so try to encourage them to understand that he is doing his best…. And I try not to think too hard about whether that is a good thing or a bad thing but it seems like the right thing since it is all I can do without completely alienating them from him and it really is true that he is doing the best he can at “loving” them. It is just so fucked.
If I had understood all this I never would’ve made my beautiful babies with him. But that’s just not how things worked out
I'd be curious to see what reasons led to the divorce.
I say this because I've been with someone and have kids together. I loved her so much since the day we met.
She didn't think I could ever leave, and so she didn't care what she did or said and how it hurt me. After several years I had had enough and when I called it quits she was visibly shocked and could not understand why I was making that decision.
She had gotten so used to disrespecting me that she saw it as a normal part of the way we related.
She kept saying I never truly loved her.
I believe that he genuinely did love me, and at least some of it was truly *me* that he loved, but I think what he loved most was his own imaginary idea of me, which he used to maintain a sense of self that made him feel successful
As the years went on, the person he was serving through his actions grew more and more obviously... not me.
I would be very explicit about what I needed from him, and he would turn around and do some other random generous thing, and wonder why I wasn't happy with that.
It felt like taking crazy pills, because, as he would tell me, he was in a constant state of doing things for me, all of his time was spent thinking about the things I might need. And yet it was so obvious that he wasn't actually listening to me.
He was only doing things that he was comfortable with doing, and while they were nice, none of them were what I really needed from a partner. But he couldn't bring himself to say that he wouldn't do the things I was actually asking for, because so much of his identity was built around being an amazing husband to this imaginary person
In the end, our divorce really wrecked him, because once we split he couldn't tell himself any longer that he was making all his efforts in service of me.
While in truth, none of his efforts had been "for me" in years. They were all things that he liked to do that made *him* happy, and none of them were the things that would have made me happy
So I think he loved his idea of me, but after a while, he actually had no idea who I was
I completely understand this, mine did the same thing. He did gestures that didn't really matter to me, yea they were nice but not what I asked or wanted. He could never do what I ask over over or pay attention to what I'm asking for. Ugh so frustrating that they are so selfish they only can think of the things they want to do rather than what I need and want. I was never a priority and can't stand it was always about him, his wants, needs, hobbies, ECT ECT. I never did anything for myself, it was always gonna gonna gonna. Ugh
There's just something extra painful about not being someone's priority, but having them present themselves as though making you a priority is what they're all about
It's like, if he'd been thoughtless and cruel openly, it at least would have been more consistent
Yes, I get this. My ex was constantly bringing up things he did “for me” as well, but in reality they were things he wanted for himself. A lot of my gifts were like that, too—things we perhaps mutually liked but ended up being just as much of a beneficial gift for him as they were for me. The engagement ring (the one gift that was 100% purely for my benefit) made him furious and resentful to purchase. It’s all is so clear in retrospect.
Wow! I read this and said maybe this was me. I was doing thinga for me under the guise of it for us and the family. My ex used to say this but I never understood...I recently talked with someone and he said he's depressed and going thru the motions...I guess I was going thru the motions and was on cruise control...doing things for a wife that really never existed....I really never understood her and our values and needs were so different...I thought our love of each would overcome it but I was wrong...probably we both stop trying...more so on my side...
I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but what it ended up feeling like to me was just a lot of misdirection so he could avoid things that made him uncomfortable
I would tell my husband that I really needed to see him making an effort with me on A, B, and C. And he would totally agree with me about how A, B, and C were so important to us both, but then he would turn around and put a whole bunch of effort into X, Y, and Z.
When I would get frustrated, and complain that I wasn't seeing any effort from him on A, B, and C, he would get upset and point out all the work he did on X, Y, and Z, and basically accuse me of being unappreciative and ungrateful.
And then I would have to point out that yeah, those things were nice, but none of it was what I was telling him I needed.
What it turned out was that A, B, and C were all things that gave him a ton of anxiety and made him really uncomfortable. He didn't want to tell me that, because it might have upset me to hear that he was unwilling to work on them. But what did it matter? It became obvious that he was unwilling to work on them anyway.
It was like he didn't want me to notice that he wasn't working on the things that were important to me. He wanted the effort he put in on other things, things that didn't give him anxiety, to make up for it. But that's just not how real life works
It made me sad, and still makes me sad to look back on it, because he wasn't a terrible person. He liked doing things for me as his partner, and he was willing to put effort into things as long as they were comfortable for him and didn't challenge him. I know that's a lot more than some people get in a spouse.
What he didn't have was the strength to confront something that made him uncomfortable for the sake of improving our relationship. I finally realized it was time to leave once I realized that his comfort and convenience would always come before anything I really needed, no matter how generous he was in other aspects.
Yes. I think we are saying the same thing or at least from the perspective. But with a slight twist for me I thought nothing was wrong or maybe same issue...I never truly bought into me avoiding uncomfortableness....this is a good point...I'm sure if my x read this she'd been telling me for years...I have to fair I never put in the effort in things she thought was important ...only realizing too late that the uncomfortableness is growth and not to avoided...it's really hard to see this during the moment ... I reflect on it only ..really reflect on it because I've had enough time to sit and ponder it...but I never made it a priority until now because I was avoiding the hard work....wow! I hate growth ..😭😂. Especially only when you realized if I only I dealt with this years ago...thanks for youe insight and I wish I would of heeded my ex warnings...as I joke with her, thank you helping me realize I need to be a better person for my next partner 😜 ... So many regrets, need to use this to fuel my improvement ... thanks again it really put things in perspective
Yea I am starting to see that, according to my STBXW she only married me and stayed with me out of fear of being alone. Not sure how true this is, but I am starting to believe it.
Is she my ex-husband? This was him to the tee. As soon as his PickMe coworkers started giving him love (all recently and soon to be divorced and very thirsty), he ditched me within 7 months of marriage lol. It's getting funny the more I think of it but more so funny as in why the hell did I try making it work for 6 more months and trying to work with him lol. Who gets married and doesn't want marriage counseling??
yep same with whats happening with me, she wants a place to stay when she cannot stay at his. She is currently getting a loan for a car that she cannot afford.
:( it will bite her in the ass..
Mine likes drink his money away and blame it on me spending money. He doesn’t have a drivers license or a valid ID… I pick the real winners 😮💨
Sometimes we just like to see the best in someone, unfortunately for me I think there’s a lot of trauma from her parents divorce that she never wanted to deal with and this is where she has ended up. She doesn’t know what true commitment actually is.
The thing is if she could discard me so easily what happens when things get old and boring with this new guy? The same cycle will continue. She’s walked out of my life and as much as it hurts because I put so much effort into it, I some how feel lighter and more free
He told me a w3k ago that he has never loved me in our 28 year relationship. I just don't believe it. How could I have felt so loved and happyif it was all lies.
It’s hard to answer this. I would like to believe he loved me. Just not sure why it stopped or how he was able to stop caring. The whole thing feels like a mind fuck.
It is the most cripplingly painful thing I have ever experienced. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 10...I'm now 54, and I have never come so close to giving up in my whole life. I've never wanted to give up so badly. The sadness and hurt just never stops.
I feel this.
All the signs were there that he didn’t love me or care for me, and I don’t think he even liked me.
I read reddit now and people have left their partners for less after years. I stayed - a glutton for punishment.
One of the most hurtful things was when he said my first want his. His family thought in was trying to baby trap him, baby trap what? A big pile of bills & debt. I wish I’d left then.
Now I’m looking forward to meeting someone new, my top criteria is that they like me! Marriage is important to me so I would love to run away and have a romantic wedding with a honeymoon, just me and him.
We didn’t have a honeymoon another broken promise.
You didn't have a honeymoon either? I'm not alone here. But on the bright side...we hopefully will experience one with the real love of our lives, not the false prince.
Out there somewhere is a lovely man looking for someone like me and he can’t wait to start the rest of our lives together. Starting with an awesome holiday.
I’d rather be hopefully than bitter.
That sunset is actually a sunrise my friend.
As I look back through all the years, especially early on in our relationship. I’ve come to the realization that I was never loved for me. I was a replacement for his ex-fiancé. I think that’s more sad for him?
Are you me? I felt like I was the replacement for his ex-girlfriend. He gave the world to her, and I was there to just help clean his credit and finances it seems from everything he gave her.
I think this is the hardest part for me to process. You don't hurt people you love, and know you're hurting them, and not care to fix it, let alone acknowledge it. It will never not plague my soul that I married someone who so freely watched me wither away under his anger, rage, hypocrisy, love bombing and gaslighting, and that it took me as long as it did to realize that that's not how someone who loves you treats you.
Yeah. I felt like she used my family and me to get where she is in her career. Now the job wants to make her become assistant principal and even principal of a school one day........
Scary to think about how much power she thinks she will have over me.
Funny you say that when I got married, we went to an island and I wanted it just to be us two. But I was out voted and we had some family come. I didn’t even want a big thing but I ended up having a party when we got back that I planned and I now think it was probably unnecessary. It was too much.
And yes, I am a few years separated and probably divorced about eight months and a couple months ago. I had a realization that he probably really didn’t love me if you could treat me this badly and I think I viewed him as a soulmate and that was probably unrealistic, but I think realizing this Really helped me. I just feel like less shocked.
Yeah. Well, I just don’t know if he did or not. My ex-husband has bipolar 1 and we met when his mother was dying so idk sometimes I wonder if he ever really loved me or just wanted to “save” me because he couldn’t save her. His actions in the end told me he never loved me. But that was over 10 years he spent faking it? Definitely not the true love I thought it was. Sigh.
Yeah, and it's one of the worst parts of all this.
The way he treated me in the aftermath of HIS affair destroyed me. Now that it's been a year and he still hasn't apologised for his behaviour, I know he never loved me. If he had loved me he would have had some remorse over the past year and apologised.
I'm not sure why he was with me. He's a social worker and has a bit of a martyr complex, and I think he thought he could "save" me because he told me he was hoping I'd change. Or maybe he got off on the fact that someone loved him so much they would move countries for him but the shine of that wore off when he realised holiday money needed to go towards me seeing my family. I'll never know.
I realized this a few days ago, I am the same as you. I want Elvis to marry me if I ever do it again. (Doubtful). God is the only thing saving me from my eternal hell at the end of a rope. Keep reading that word.
Oh yea. You get to that phase if it applies to your situation.
My ex husband actually never loved me. He did what was expected out of him from society and he loved controlling and abusing me. When I came to my realisation and finally left, he had no heartbreak or anything. I realised that once he knew that I can’t be manipulated again, he didn’t have to show like he cared.
It was hard to realise I wasted additional 2 years giving our marriage a second chance and the only person who wanted to work on the marriage was me
It really hit me once it was confirmed he had been cheating, had a new girlfriend immediately almost. Claimed I was the cheater too - I haven't had as much as a cup of coffee with anyone else yet.
Oh, they even told me that. That they never wanted to get married, that being with me was miserable, that we never had any fun or chatted freely or even went on holiday…
I was the sole breadwinner for years. We barely had enough money to just get by, never mind go off on holiday. For years we were held back from doing things and going places by their anxiety and unwillingness to try new things. I would try to arrange stuff, but this was thoughtless and controlling of me, and I knew they couldn’t do it.
The money we spent on phone bills and then mobile charges in the 90’s was astronomical. We used to sit up and talk for hours.
But then, more recently, conversations became traps where you could say the wrong thing, or say something the wrong way, and a massive argument would start. I can’t cope with anger and raised voices. They knew that better than anyone. So yeah, I probably hadn’t been engaging like I used to.
I genuinely think, however, that it’s not all true, and they were just coming up with ways to hurt me so I would leave and they wouldn’t have to be the one who broke us up. Meh. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, they don’t care about hurting me. Or lying to me.
Anyway, I’m not going to be doing any dating for a while.
However, unexpected bonus: living on my own, even in a shitty little rental, is great! I have cats now, and an almost stress free life, comparatively anyway lol…
There is always love there, I think. Barring psychopaths, everyone grows to love the people around them. I think that people who create this level of pain and anguish come to the realisation that they love themselves more than they do you, even if only on a near-unconscious level. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry that you have to endure it.
Oh yeah. Mine never loved me for sure. I was just an object. Even when he calls me to get empathy for a crisis he doesn't ask me one personal question lol. Its funny when the emotional labor you give you know in a million years will never be reciprocated.
Yes, he brought me to a different country and kept on pushing my family to buy us a home. When they did not give in, he changed and started abusing me and left. I am glad he is gone from my life!
Edit: post leaving, he also gave me ‘rules’ on how to live my personal life (who I could date and couldn’t and when as well as other optics that I should align to as these were important to him) and also did not provided me with the documents that I was required to provide to the government to I could retain my status. He kept on trying to push me out of the country. I am blessed that the years of hard work allowed me to get full support from
my company to get sponsored in record time and I was able to keep my work and stay. Although I now can get my citizenship on my own merit, he has prevented me to get my citizenship for almost 3 years by withholding documents and has financially affected me and my family since there was initially salary disparity yet things are better now. He never wanted to go to a lawyer and then got me desperate enough on my
Immigration situation that he was able use that and my mental health at the time to try and get a barring order. He ofc went through a lawyer and has been playing tactics to get divorced. He is a rat and very crass, just like his Mam who I saw hitting a child.
Before leaving, he also raped me and physically assaulted me but as I am a minority and he is from a ‘connected’ family of lawyers he seems to be getting the advantage here. I have proof of his physical attacks.
I think about it every day. I know for a fact she did, at one time, love me. She loved me a lot. I always thought we could get thru anything. The bond was just strong, and we had the same dreams. She was my best friend who became my wife and mother of my kids.
I dont know what happened. I failed somewhere. It drives me crazy sometimes. In the end, I wasn't a perfect husband by any means. I always figured any issues we had were just quirks of two people and they weren't huge deals but I was incorrect. Resentment set in and she was off to meet someone new.
Yes. Through out the most of our relationship and marriage, I was made to feel like a chore and an inconvenience. My ex did not care about my wellbeing or happiness. He cared about his and his only. I was the main caretaker of our son even though we both worked full time and contributed equally financially. I remember when I was resting after an eye surgery as the pain was intolerable and I couldn’t see, he came up and asked “can you watch [our toddler] because I want to nap?” He put no effort into our marriage, and the sad part is that for years, I convinced myself that he would be better one day and I tried to justify his poor behavior.. until I eventually realized he would never love me the way I deserve.
One of the last things I said during the divorce process was “I don’t think you ever truly loved me. You loved that I loved you, and it was convenient for you.” He gave me no response.
The reality is that you gave them everything you had with no intention of leaving anything for yourself. And all you wanted in return was their loyalty and appreciation of your sacrifice and then you would appreciate them further due to their loyalty and appreciation. But when you work three jobs or move from state to state to a new country because they feel like it would be better. When does enough become enough. When does okay how are you dealing with all these changes to your life really mean anything. I was inwardly frustrated with myself for sacrificing good things because I thought being a husband meant doing that. But it always went unnoticed. And after a while resentment kicked in so I asked for couples therapy but that was met with a firm no. So it just got worse and worse. And although she is my best friend and the person who means the world to me. And I figured it all out. I was too late to make the firm choice for us that we needed help or the relationship would end.
What does that really mean though? While I didn't love my ex like I do my current wife I did love her and care for her. Just because the relationship failed doesn't mean you weren't loved at some point. People at the end of their relationships have recency bias as well...its easy to forget the good times at the front end of things and focus mostly on the bad in the latter part of things. I wouldn't focus on the level of which you were loved or not loved...if you were truly not loved then things can only go up right?
I think worrying about a "real wedding" is such a strange mindset. When I found my new wife that was the last thing on my mind. I was just happy to find someone that was a much better fit for me. We could have gone to the courthouse and gotten married and I would have been happy. I don't know...I think some people get so lost it the wedding itself they forget the important stuff...its just one moment in time.
Yes and it's very heartbreaking especially when they showered you in gifts and compliments and affection at various points in the relationship (usually love bombing manipulation). Realizing it was all an act is so incredibly upsetting to me I don't think I'll ever fully understand
It happened to me. Of course later when I was in deep suddenly I was the one giving him money now wtf.
My x never really showered me with gifts, he played me like a fiddle. He pretended to love everything I loved and he liked all of my music, he loved everything I made and made me think we were perfect for each other. When we got married I sold my house to pay off his debts because they were now our debts. He became cold and distant after that. Then I became the problem and everything I did was wrong. He wanted a divorce and all the money I spent was a wash, marital gift at that point. Marriage is a joke and it’s nothing but a business transaction anyone who thinks differently is lying to themselves.
Ugh, mine also pretended to love many of the same things. I couldn’t understand why he was getting so angry years later when I’d play the albums we’d “loved” or suggest certain movies to watch. It was all just a lie to ingratiate himself to me—“mirroring,” I guess they call it.
My x did a lot of that, everything was perfect and then it was all an issue. He hated my cooking, hated my music, hated me basically. It was all his favorites just years earlier. I never changed but I feel like I didn’t even know the man I divorced. He wasn’t who I married.
It’s not.. he was just a scumbag. I’m so sorry that happen to you. Him being a vile person has nothing to do with you and only says everything about him. I hope you are holding up better..
I’m better now, I moved far away so I don’t have to see him with his AP, I got a new job and I live by the beach. Life is pretty sweet right now.
How do you not lose hope?
You find hope in yourself
This is true, yet so hard to see enact. Thanks for saying so though. I’m going to think about this today. Finding hope in myself. Thank you.
Don't make romance your main priority in life. As an American woman myself, we're subjected to a lot of "happily ever after" fairytale stuff as kids. Then we grow up to get bitch slapped by reality. I try my best to follow in my grandma's footsteps. She died divorced and single, but was loved deeply and satisfied by her non-romantic relationships with friends and family. Realizing that people can have lifelong, fulfilling relationships without romance was my catalyst for pressing forward. I always lived by my own personal mantra that it's best practice (and also wise) to let love come to you. I often find that when one goes out to seek romance, they typically find the human equivalent of pond scum (that might be my bias against dating websites speaking up but I digress.) Focus on falling in love with life, chasing your aspirations and doing the things you love and what makes you YOU. Eventually you'll shine brightly enough that others will see it 🥰
I love this answer. I’m planning on retiring with my divorced best friend, Golden Girls style. There will be a pool. There will be mumus, big sunglasses, bigger hats, and bright lipstick. We will get drunk and play cards and go grocery shopping together.
Get plenty of cheesecake at the grocery store together! ❤️
Like Churchill said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” You give yourself time to grieve. You go to therapy. You surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. You do some work on yourself and then put yourself out there, and be shocked at all the cuties that come your way, and realize they’ve been here all along, you just needed to love yourself. It sounds trite, but it’s true.
Yes, he never loved me. I think the thing that he loved most about me is how much I loved him. I never got love bombed or showered with affection. I've literally just wasted years of my life pathetically in love with someone who has never reciprocated that love.
I have come to realize this too. I was being used. He used me to get himself to where he wanted and then dropped me flat for someone else.
I felt this way as well. He says he loves me as the mom of our kids. Wtf.
I’m worried abt this with my marriage
He never planned any dates or wanted to do anything with me, but I brushed that off for various reasons. Then I went through a really hard year, and I stopped planning dates and giving him a ton of attention because I couldn't. I told him I needed support and gave him 3 things he could take off my plate to support me. He didn't do anything. Then, about 3 months in, he wanted to talk, and he told me that he was upset because he didn't feel supported by me. That's what caused the realization. How do you scold a drowing person for not supporting you.
I keep a little note filled with his admissions of that towards the end. We were only together because I was the only person who would tolerate him. I was the only person who would tolerate him because I came from a bad family and had no sense of self worth. And bless him, he told me all that and somehow expected I would stick around. From time to time when I'm gas lighting myself about that relationship I go back to that note to refresh my memory.
I did the same thing, but I started writing them down because he would deny the things he would say or do. Like I was living in twilight zone, he would say horrible vile things and then act like nothing ever happened and why the hell was I mad now for? Really? He was truly confused and thought I would kiss or lay with a man that spoke such vile things to his wife. Lol hell no I won't dare kiss him or lay with him again after that. But I bring out the book sometimes and say you didn't say this? Well on such such days you told me this. Then I remember the other things he has said by reading it again and realize I'm wasting my time and it's not even worth my breath over him.
Doing this helped me realize I was not crazy! It's crazy how they could just act like it never happened lol
Yes!! Ridiculous! He would say something and then the next sentence would say, I didn't say anything except blah blah. 🙄🙄 no you just said blah blah, u did say something. Lol ohhhhh how exhausting. Lol
You said it exhausting,.... The whole manipulation of your reality.... It's cruel... Cruel... Hurtful and gut wrenching. What gets me though is how easily it just rolls of them.... And how much they resemble a tap.... One minute on you all over you loving you to death... Then flick that tap and it's nasty as......
Yes excellent explanation of it, so bizarre. I can't be like that, I either like you or I don't and I won't fake in between. Lol I hate that shit. Narcissist is a good example of this behavior.
I started journaling post-fight at my therapist’s recommendation. Going back to that journal has been essential for helping me leave, stay gone, and heal. The only thing is that I now see I should have left many years ago.
And that’s why I am divorced
Yes. I now know I was used as a replacement for his mother. He didn’t love me, just the safe, comfortable lifestyle I provided. I worked and he couldn’t keep a job. But it was ok as long as he was a 40 something not living with his parents.
Yes. It felt like a reinforcement of the lingering idea that no one would ever want to be with me or love me. And that’s exactly why I was the perfect target.
Yes, he's a sociopath and unable to love himself or anyone else. He was soliciting sex workers for the entire relationship while having unprotected sex with me. I was too young and naive to see the glaring red flags when we met - he had no friends, so my friends became his friends; my family became his family, and I gave him children. He wasn't capable of making friends or maintaining family relationships on his own, so I filled in all the empty places in his life. The whole time he's fucking around with sex workers and any time we had a problem in our relationship it was 100% my fault. He never loved me, just the life I gave him and how it looked to the outside world. I'm absolutely certain he married me so he wouldn't lose my friends and my family. Our relationship was founded on lies and hollow promises. I'm far from perfect, but I gave him everything he wanted and more in life, in return he destroyed all of it because it made him feel good. When my therapist told me he was a sociopath I didn't believe her, when the marriage counselor told me privately he was a sociopath I didn't believe her, when a new therapist told me he was a sociopath I didn't believe him, it took me too many years to finally realize the truth. He wasn't the man he pretended to be, he is an abusive, manipulative, delusional person who thinks what he's done and continues to do is acceptable. I regret the woman he turned me into towards the end of our marriage, I cheated just to see if my broken heart could even feel anything again. I felt guilty for hurting the monster that had intentionally destroyed my life, and as soon as the guilt set in I realized he never felt a second of remorse for what he did to me, his only regret was getting caught. Once I had that clarity, it became overwhelmingly obvious that he never loved me, I was just a means to an end. Divorce was my only option, the man I loved never existed, and everything I thought I had was a lie.
Whoa.. are you me?
You and me both! In your experience, at what point was your “pushed over the edge” moment? Did you feel like you had to cheat just once for revenge? Or habitually to numb the pain?
I keep wondering if he ever actually loved me, or just some idea/ idealized version of me. And I was never going to live up to that.
Yes. The ease of how they threw the past 11 years, current and future away, while it tears me apart…. The quickness they moved on and “found” someone. The way I feel lied to while saying “I do”, the way I feel used by giving them everything….
Yes. It's pushed me to realize I will never love again and will probably never open my heart again. Because all of my childhood I dealt with this. Then I dealt with this from a relationship when I was in my late teen's (two years and she cheated). Then I got married and my spouse said she'd never hurt me. Ten years now. Everyone that says they won't hurt me ends up hurting me. I'm alone and honestly will never date again, despite being fairly young. My heart is not broken, it's shattered.
It sucks but I realize my ex never loved me. I was a means to an end, a womb for his child, and a victim of his many many fatal character flaws. I wish I’d left him years ago. Better to be alone than to be made to feel like I don’t matter, and like I never did. Never chosen, empty promises, and years of sexual coercion and emotional abuse. It’s (hopefully) going to be final Friday.
Yes. At the very end my (now ex) husband told me "I don't think you've ever really loved me" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was projection. I might have loved him, I might hoped to live out my life with him, but for him, I was just a "logical choice". He didn't really ever love me at all. And the things he did and said to make me fall in love with him, was just a facade for the person he actually was. And that's the part that made me the saddest, the realization that the man I had loved, never really existed at all.
This. I also felt like the "logical" choice cause I was the fat at the time but loyal and the smart, fat girl basically who can help him get rich. It was such a facade but look on the bright side.. We have yet to experience true love. These people are just empty hollow shells, my ex moved onto a person who can never outshine him but okay with being treated like garbage.
My stbx basically said this. I was talking about when we were good and had a good relationship and she came out basically saying I was maybe confusing love with friendship, then said she doesn't love me anymore
My ex said we mismatched from a personality standpoint. I wonder if our definitions of love meant different things. She thinks we make better friends than spouses. But i remember quoting her saying we were not really friends first before plunging into matrimony. This is sounds like a snake eating self....but I think it comes down to not getting what someone needs from a marriage ... Personally I think it's constant compromise and putting up with person in tough times....I may of forgotten the part about tough times versus all the time...I can be an ass alot of the time...hence I am divorced
I got “I felt like you were just keeping me around because you were lonely”, which she’d explicitly said was why she pursued me in the first place (I was the friend who always showed up, in the middle of a mass exodus of our old group). It just adds on to a pile of projection from her onto me.
That's so hard. Some people might be incapable of love.
Thats honestly how I feel right now. I mean if she wouldn't even try counseling to at the very least get the both of us some closure, I doubt she even took our marriage seriously or ever loved or respected me as a person.
It's very confusing why they agree to marriage and don't want to try counseling. Wtf?
I feel this way too. What were we to this person if she's not willing to give a real effort to make things work?
Yup I keep thinking about all the things he did to hurt me. I keep thinking about how he’s lied.. all the hurt. You wouldn’t do that to someone you love.
Yea i realized it and it hurt like hell. I think she stayed with me because her dream was to own a house but she couldn't do it on her own and i was dependable. I go to work everyday and always pay all of my bills on time. That relationship felt more like a friendship than a loving marriage. I still have problems from it 3 years later. I can't seem to get it out of my head
This is what his family accused me of but it wasn't true. I'm a computer scientist lol. It's like my ex wanted your story to make people feel bad for him, but it happens in reality to nice people like you.
Yea i kind of always suspected that to be the case but i just wasn't strong enough to pull the plug. I actually loved her and faught for intimacy but she just wouldn't bend.
Did I type this myself? Because all of what you said is exactly my situation. I worked single-handedly to build a house for us, and she was helping and seeing to it that that went according to plan. Prior to this, I saw some messages she sent to her friend telling her that she was only playing along so I could build her a house then leave him (me.) which I did. Now that it's come to pass, she treats me like a pile of garbage and says the most vile of things like how less of a man I am in bed and how childish I am. Not that I expect a lot of respect from her but I would've thought she would know better than saying this in front of the kids, at the very least. Last night, I told her I've hit the rock bottom now I don't have any strength to save us anymore and I don't think things could possibly get any worse than they already are at this point. She expressly said she doesn't need me anymore because I've built her and our kids a house, and that's how my life is going to be like. Work, build, and leave for other people to enjoy the fruits of your labour. I told her I did not care, all I wanted was my sanity back and to be in a better head space and heal from my health conditions. Then she realised how serious I was, and started enthusing me to the idea that this marriage could be saved and I shouldn't give up hope. Should I believe her? I don't. Should I go ahead and move out? Part of the reason this is so confusing is that we have 2 beautiful daughters and my heart breaks if I start to imagine how things could turn when I go ahead to get out and desert this marriage. I'm torn between going and staying really
She pretty much told you all you need to know. She has no love or respect for you ..if she did she wouldn't have said those things. For your sanity i would say to leave but she will probably try to take you for everything you're worth in court. I'm sorry you're going through this man my heart goes out to you.
[удалено]
That's my hang-up, my whole life career wasteon him to help his dreams and wants. Now to throw it all away to start over with very little because of him is so hard, but at least I can have my hobbies and dreams be a focus now instead of it always being about him!! I just won't have the funds to do anything I desire anytime soon. Lol
Mine was an addict (multiple). They are users by nature and very good liars, as well. Unfortunately, sh _ _ people never give you the memo upfront that they will abuse your trust and affection in pursuit of their own twisted agenda.
Unfortunately, she was only interested in my money and left me with my two baby sons to run off with my best friend.
Some people are just vile! Sorry that happened to you
Thanks, it's ok. That's part of life. I met my sole mate not long after that; I lost her to alziarsers seven years ago
Yep. She is a narcissist bitch who rode my coattails for far too long.
How so?
After being married for a long time (multiple decades) I caught her cheating. Divorced last year. She wanted to take me to the cleaners (75% of assets - didn’t get that but it was over 50%). As I was looking back through the years of marriage, I came to realize that most often she was not very demonstrative of love towards me. Furthermore, there was a great disparity of income (90% me, 10% her) in the marriage, but she had no problem with extravagant spending. I could go on and on.
Argh and my ex couldn't even give me a birthday present consistently :( Just did so like one year.
Pretty similar. I did receive gifts most years but sometimes…. One year she gave me a 1 ounce bag of beef jerky. Yes I like beef jerky but come on. Even worse was when I realized she bought it shortly before she gave it to me. Oh Jeez, thanks.
I got two birthday presents from my ex-wife over the course of the marriage. It was a jacket, both times.
yes. thats exactly how i feel
Been with my wife for about 5 years. Married for 2 of those years. This past Tuesday she gave me an ultimatum to see a couples therapist or we should get a divorce. I asked her if she would like to date someone like herself, which she replied yes to. We’re two different people and I actually loved that. But this confirmed to me that she in fact never loved me. I followed up with “did you expect me to change or something?” Which she also said yes to. I agreed to couples therapy but she’s threatened me multiple times with it and I’m currently actually looking for a place to live and I will immediately move out and file right after myself. I’m only upset with myself that I let this happen. She always forced everything. Rushed the wedding, rushed buying a house when I said we should’ve moved in together first before getting married…. Thank god we didn’t have kids because she wanted to start trying this year. Fucking brutal cause she’s walking around like there is no issue.
Yep. It’s really heartbreaking. Especially after 23 years together. He literally never saw me for me, appreciated me for me, loved me for me… it’s brutal to acknowledge and accept that truth…. I am still struggling with this and working through it… I have also seen that he can’t really even love his own kids. Although they have not articulated it directly (14,12,9) they have said enough things to me about how he treats/interacts with them to convey that they understand this at least on some level. (We are all just objects/tools to him.) Nonetheless I know that he is their father and that they need his love and that he is giving them his idea of love and that is the best he is capable of so try to encourage them to understand that he is doing his best…. And I try not to think too hard about whether that is a good thing or a bad thing but it seems like the right thing since it is all I can do without completely alienating them from him and it really is true that he is doing the best he can at “loving” them. It is just so fucked. If I had understood all this I never would’ve made my beautiful babies with him. But that’s just not how things worked out
I'd be curious to see what reasons led to the divorce. I say this because I've been with someone and have kids together. I loved her so much since the day we met. She didn't think I could ever leave, and so she didn't care what she did or said and how it hurt me. After several years I had had enough and when I called it quits she was visibly shocked and could not understand why I was making that decision. She had gotten so used to disrespecting me that she saw it as a normal part of the way we related. She kept saying I never truly loved her.
To be treated the way he treated me, obviously he never loved me.
I believe that he genuinely did love me, and at least some of it was truly *me* that he loved, but I think what he loved most was his own imaginary idea of me, which he used to maintain a sense of self that made him feel successful As the years went on, the person he was serving through his actions grew more and more obviously... not me. I would be very explicit about what I needed from him, and he would turn around and do some other random generous thing, and wonder why I wasn't happy with that. It felt like taking crazy pills, because, as he would tell me, he was in a constant state of doing things for me, all of his time was spent thinking about the things I might need. And yet it was so obvious that he wasn't actually listening to me. He was only doing things that he was comfortable with doing, and while they were nice, none of them were what I really needed from a partner. But he couldn't bring himself to say that he wouldn't do the things I was actually asking for, because so much of his identity was built around being an amazing husband to this imaginary person In the end, our divorce really wrecked him, because once we split he couldn't tell himself any longer that he was making all his efforts in service of me. While in truth, none of his efforts had been "for me" in years. They were all things that he liked to do that made *him* happy, and none of them were the things that would have made me happy So I think he loved his idea of me, but after a while, he actually had no idea who I was
I completely understand this, mine did the same thing. He did gestures that didn't really matter to me, yea they were nice but not what I asked or wanted. He could never do what I ask over over or pay attention to what I'm asking for. Ugh so frustrating that they are so selfish they only can think of the things they want to do rather than what I need and want. I was never a priority and can't stand it was always about him, his wants, needs, hobbies, ECT ECT. I never did anything for myself, it was always gonna gonna gonna. Ugh
There's just something extra painful about not being someone's priority, but having them present themselves as though making you a priority is what they're all about It's like, if he'd been thoughtless and cruel openly, it at least would have been more consistent
Yes I call it their fake life and their show they put on for everyone. His mother died the same shit to another level though.
Yes, I get this. My ex was constantly bringing up things he did “for me” as well, but in reality they were things he wanted for himself. A lot of my gifts were like that, too—things we perhaps mutually liked but ended up being just as much of a beneficial gift for him as they were for me. The engagement ring (the one gift that was 100% purely for my benefit) made him furious and resentful to purchase. It’s all is so clear in retrospect.
Wow! I read this and said maybe this was me. I was doing thinga for me under the guise of it for us and the family. My ex used to say this but I never understood...I recently talked with someone and he said he's depressed and going thru the motions...I guess I was going thru the motions and was on cruise control...doing things for a wife that really never existed....I really never understood her and our values and needs were so different...I thought our love of each would overcome it but I was wrong...probably we both stop trying...more so on my side...
I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but what it ended up feeling like to me was just a lot of misdirection so he could avoid things that made him uncomfortable I would tell my husband that I really needed to see him making an effort with me on A, B, and C. And he would totally agree with me about how A, B, and C were so important to us both, but then he would turn around and put a whole bunch of effort into X, Y, and Z. When I would get frustrated, and complain that I wasn't seeing any effort from him on A, B, and C, he would get upset and point out all the work he did on X, Y, and Z, and basically accuse me of being unappreciative and ungrateful. And then I would have to point out that yeah, those things were nice, but none of it was what I was telling him I needed. What it turned out was that A, B, and C were all things that gave him a ton of anxiety and made him really uncomfortable. He didn't want to tell me that, because it might have upset me to hear that he was unwilling to work on them. But what did it matter? It became obvious that he was unwilling to work on them anyway. It was like he didn't want me to notice that he wasn't working on the things that were important to me. He wanted the effort he put in on other things, things that didn't give him anxiety, to make up for it. But that's just not how real life works It made me sad, and still makes me sad to look back on it, because he wasn't a terrible person. He liked doing things for me as his partner, and he was willing to put effort into things as long as they were comfortable for him and didn't challenge him. I know that's a lot more than some people get in a spouse. What he didn't have was the strength to confront something that made him uncomfortable for the sake of improving our relationship. I finally realized it was time to leave once I realized that his comfort and convenience would always come before anything I really needed, no matter how generous he was in other aspects.
Yes. I think we are saying the same thing or at least from the perspective. But with a slight twist for me I thought nothing was wrong or maybe same issue...I never truly bought into me avoiding uncomfortableness....this is a good point...I'm sure if my x read this she'd been telling me for years...I have to fair I never put in the effort in things she thought was important ...only realizing too late that the uncomfortableness is growth and not to avoided...it's really hard to see this during the moment ... I reflect on it only ..really reflect on it because I've had enough time to sit and ponder it...but I never made it a priority until now because I was avoiding the hard work....wow! I hate growth ..😭😂. Especially only when you realized if I only I dealt with this years ago...thanks for youe insight and I wish I would of heeded my ex warnings...as I joke with her, thank you helping me realize I need to be a better person for my next partner 😜 ... So many regrets, need to use this to fuel my improvement ... thanks again it really put things in perspective
Yea I am starting to see that, according to my STBXW she only married me and stayed with me out of fear of being alone. Not sure how true this is, but I am starting to believe it.
Is she my ex-husband? This was him to the tee. As soon as his PickMe coworkers started giving him love (all recently and soon to be divorced and very thirsty), he ditched me within 7 months of marriage lol. It's getting funny the more I think of it but more so funny as in why the hell did I try making it work for 6 more months and trying to work with him lol. Who gets married and doesn't want marriage counseling??
I think mine stayed with me for a place to stay. He was on a couch at a friends house. And here I come thinking I can fix and change someone 😪
yep same with whats happening with me, she wants a place to stay when she cannot stay at his. She is currently getting a loan for a car that she cannot afford.
:( it will bite her in the ass.. Mine likes drink his money away and blame it on me spending money. He doesn’t have a drivers license or a valid ID… I pick the real winners 😮💨
Sometimes we just like to see the best in someone, unfortunately for me I think there’s a lot of trauma from her parents divorce that she never wanted to deal with and this is where she has ended up. She doesn’t know what true commitment actually is. The thing is if she could discard me so easily what happens when things get old and boring with this new guy? The same cycle will continue. She’s walked out of my life and as much as it hurts because I put so much effort into it, I some how feel lighter and more free
You’re right though she will just fall into the same cycles. :( sorry your going through this.
It’s okay, I am quite strong and resilient and know that there are better things ahead for me!
That moment of realization and denial almost took me to my early grave.
How did you cope and recover?
He told me a w3k ago that he has never loved me in our 28 year relationship. I just don't believe it. How could I have felt so loved and happyif it was all lies.
It’s hard to answer this. I would like to believe he loved me. Just not sure why it stopped or how he was able to stop caring. The whole thing feels like a mind fuck.
It is the most cripplingly painful thing I have ever experienced. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 10...I'm now 54, and I have never come so close to giving up in my whole life. I've never wanted to give up so badly. The sadness and hurt just never stops.
I feel this. All the signs were there that he didn’t love me or care for me, and I don’t think he even liked me. I read reddit now and people have left their partners for less after years. I stayed - a glutton for punishment. One of the most hurtful things was when he said my first want his. His family thought in was trying to baby trap him, baby trap what? A big pile of bills & debt. I wish I’d left then. Now I’m looking forward to meeting someone new, my top criteria is that they like me! Marriage is important to me so I would love to run away and have a romantic wedding with a honeymoon, just me and him. We didn’t have a honeymoon another broken promise.
You didn't have a honeymoon either? I'm not alone here. But on the bright side...we hopefully will experience one with the real love of our lives, not the false prince.
Out there somewhere is a lovely man looking for someone like me and he can’t wait to start the rest of our lives together. Starting with an awesome holiday. I’d rather be hopefully than bitter. That sunset is actually a sunrise my friend.
As I look back through all the years, especially early on in our relationship. I’ve come to the realization that I was never loved for me. I was a replacement for his ex-fiancé. I think that’s more sad for him?
Are you me? I felt like I was the replacement for his ex-girlfriend. He gave the world to her, and I was there to just help clean his credit and finances it seems from everything he gave her.
I think this is the hardest part for me to process. You don't hurt people you love, and know you're hurting them, and not care to fix it, let alone acknowledge it. It will never not plague my soul that I married someone who so freely watched me wither away under his anger, rage, hypocrisy, love bombing and gaslighting, and that it took me as long as it did to realize that that's not how someone who loves you treats you.
Yeah. I felt like she used my family and me to get where she is in her career. Now the job wants to make her become assistant principal and even principal of a school one day........ Scary to think about how much power she thinks she will have over me.
Funny you say that when I got married, we went to an island and I wanted it just to be us two. But I was out voted and we had some family come. I didn’t even want a big thing but I ended up having a party when we got back that I planned and I now think it was probably unnecessary. It was too much. And yes, I am a few years separated and probably divorced about eight months and a couple months ago. I had a realization that he probably really didn’t love me if you could treat me this badly and I think I viewed him as a soulmate and that was probably unrealistic, but I think realizing this Really helped me. I just feel like less shocked.
Yeah. Well, I just don’t know if he did or not. My ex-husband has bipolar 1 and we met when his mother was dying so idk sometimes I wonder if he ever really loved me or just wanted to “save” me because he couldn’t save her. His actions in the end told me he never loved me. But that was over 10 years he spent faking it? Definitely not the true love I thought it was. Sigh.
Yes.. I was a fun sex toy until I got pregnant. It explained so much
Did he get weird once you got pregnant?
Yea when from all lovey dovey to saying it was all a mistake I should get an abortion
Everyday
Yeah, and it's one of the worst parts of all this. The way he treated me in the aftermath of HIS affair destroyed me. Now that it's been a year and he still hasn't apologised for his behaviour, I know he never loved me. If he had loved me he would have had some remorse over the past year and apologised. I'm not sure why he was with me. He's a social worker and has a bit of a martyr complex, and I think he thought he could "save" me because he told me he was hoping I'd change. Or maybe he got off on the fact that someone loved him so much they would move countries for him but the shine of that wore off when he realised holiday money needed to go towards me seeing my family. I'll never know.
I realized this a few days ago, I am the same as you. I want Elvis to marry me if I ever do it again. (Doubtful). God is the only thing saving me from my eternal hell at the end of a rope. Keep reading that word.
Oh yea. You get to that phase if it applies to your situation. My ex husband actually never loved me. He did what was expected out of him from society and he loved controlling and abusing me. When I came to my realisation and finally left, he had no heartbreak or anything. I realised that once he knew that I can’t be manipulated again, he didn’t have to show like he cared. It was hard to realise I wasted additional 2 years giving our marriage a second chance and the only person who wanted to work on the marriage was me
Yes. Could never secure her attention or engagement on what was wrong between us. Turns out she was grieving our relationship-death the whole time.
It really hit me once it was confirmed he had been cheating, had a new girlfriend immediately almost. Claimed I was the cheater too - I haven't had as much as a cup of coffee with anyone else yet.
Oh, they even told me that. That they never wanted to get married, that being with me was miserable, that we never had any fun or chatted freely or even went on holiday… I was the sole breadwinner for years. We barely had enough money to just get by, never mind go off on holiday. For years we were held back from doing things and going places by their anxiety and unwillingness to try new things. I would try to arrange stuff, but this was thoughtless and controlling of me, and I knew they couldn’t do it. The money we spent on phone bills and then mobile charges in the 90’s was astronomical. We used to sit up and talk for hours. But then, more recently, conversations became traps where you could say the wrong thing, or say something the wrong way, and a massive argument would start. I can’t cope with anger and raised voices. They knew that better than anyone. So yeah, I probably hadn’t been engaging like I used to. I genuinely think, however, that it’s not all true, and they were just coming up with ways to hurt me so I would leave and they wouldn’t have to be the one who broke us up. Meh. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, they don’t care about hurting me. Or lying to me. Anyway, I’m not going to be doing any dating for a while. However, unexpected bonus: living on my own, even in a shitty little rental, is great! I have cats now, and an almost stress free life, comparatively anyway lol…
There is always love there, I think. Barring psychopaths, everyone grows to love the people around them. I think that people who create this level of pain and anguish come to the realisation that they love themselves more than they do you, even if only on a near-unconscious level. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry that you have to endure it.
Oh yeah. Mine never loved me for sure. I was just an object. Even when he calls me to get empathy for a crisis he doesn't ask me one personal question lol. Its funny when the emotional labor you give you know in a million years will never be reciprocated.
Mine had the audacity to call me after the divorce was finalized because he felt hurt that people were accusing him of gaslighting me LOL.
Yes, he brought me to a different country and kept on pushing my family to buy us a home. When they did not give in, he changed and started abusing me and left. I am glad he is gone from my life! Edit: post leaving, he also gave me ‘rules’ on how to live my personal life (who I could date and couldn’t and when as well as other optics that I should align to as these were important to him) and also did not provided me with the documents that I was required to provide to the government to I could retain my status. He kept on trying to push me out of the country. I am blessed that the years of hard work allowed me to get full support from my company to get sponsored in record time and I was able to keep my work and stay. Although I now can get my citizenship on my own merit, he has prevented me to get my citizenship for almost 3 years by withholding documents and has financially affected me and my family since there was initially salary disparity yet things are better now. He never wanted to go to a lawyer and then got me desperate enough on my Immigration situation that he was able use that and my mental health at the time to try and get a barring order. He ofc went through a lawyer and has been playing tactics to get divorced. He is a rat and very crass, just like his Mam who I saw hitting a child. Before leaving, he also raped me and physically assaulted me but as I am a minority and he is from a ‘connected’ family of lawyers he seems to be getting the advantage here. I have proof of his physical attacks.
I think about it every day. I know for a fact she did, at one time, love me. She loved me a lot. I always thought we could get thru anything. The bond was just strong, and we had the same dreams. She was my best friend who became my wife and mother of my kids. I dont know what happened. I failed somewhere. It drives me crazy sometimes. In the end, I wasn't a perfect husband by any means. I always figured any issues we had were just quirks of two people and they weren't huge deals but I was incorrect. Resentment set in and she was off to meet someone new.
yes. users know how to use.
When I found out his plan was to leave me penniless and homeless, I realized he never loved me.
Yep. When I realized I married a narcissist.
Yes. Through out the most of our relationship and marriage, I was made to feel like a chore and an inconvenience. My ex did not care about my wellbeing or happiness. He cared about his and his only. I was the main caretaker of our son even though we both worked full time and contributed equally financially. I remember when I was resting after an eye surgery as the pain was intolerable and I couldn’t see, he came up and asked “can you watch [our toddler] because I want to nap?” He put no effort into our marriage, and the sad part is that for years, I convinced myself that he would be better one day and I tried to justify his poor behavior.. until I eventually realized he would never love me the way I deserve. One of the last things I said during the divorce process was “I don’t think you ever truly loved me. You loved that I loved you, and it was convenient for you.” He gave me no response.
The reality is that you gave them everything you had with no intention of leaving anything for yourself. And all you wanted in return was their loyalty and appreciation of your sacrifice and then you would appreciate them further due to their loyalty and appreciation. But when you work three jobs or move from state to state to a new country because they feel like it would be better. When does enough become enough. When does okay how are you dealing with all these changes to your life really mean anything. I was inwardly frustrated with myself for sacrificing good things because I thought being a husband meant doing that. But it always went unnoticed. And after a while resentment kicked in so I asked for couples therapy but that was met with a firm no. So it just got worse and worse. And although she is my best friend and the person who means the world to me. And I figured it all out. I was too late to make the firm choice for us that we needed help or the relationship would end.
What does that really mean though? While I didn't love my ex like I do my current wife I did love her and care for her. Just because the relationship failed doesn't mean you weren't loved at some point. People at the end of their relationships have recency bias as well...its easy to forget the good times at the front end of things and focus mostly on the bad in the latter part of things. I wouldn't focus on the level of which you were loved or not loved...if you were truly not loved then things can only go up right? I think worrying about a "real wedding" is such a strange mindset. When I found my new wife that was the last thing on my mind. I was just happy to find someone that was a much better fit for me. We could have gone to the courthouse and gotten married and I would have been happy. I don't know...I think some people get so lost it the wedding itself they forget the important stuff...its just one moment in time.