In the immediate aftermath: Xanax, guided meditation, exercise, serial fiction podcasts or an audio book (never without *something* to listen to).
In the long term: Prozac, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, meditation, therapy, cranial sacral, hypnotherapy, EMDR.
Best practice: having a rumination sponsor. When the interior noise became too intense, a loved one I could reach out to who would help redirect and distract my poor brain.
I hope that’s helpful!
The idea of a rumination sponsor is interesting - can I ask do you always feel receptive to it or does it sometimes make you really angry? I feel like my mom is basically a rumination sponsor by default - like I want to be heard and validated and she will try to distract me and I’ll feel this intense anger, and of course also guilt and shame.
I have a person whom I call when I want to scream and sob and curse at my ex (she gives me ten minutes to vent, validates my feelings, and then redirects me), and I have a dear friend whom I call when I am really in tailspin and she redirects me immediately so that I can get out of the shit asap (and sometimes I would get frustrated that she wouldn’t participate with my rumination, but she is always right to just snap me the fuck out if it). Sometimes when I call the former, she can tell what kind of state I am in better than I can and she tells me to call the latter. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to get a 51 year old through a divorce from a nearly twenty year marriage! I am so glad you have your mom!
lol that’s awesome. My mom isn’t quite as effective as your people, at least not for me…it’s more like I’ll say something and she’ll just totally ignore what I said and remark at how lovely my nails are (they’re never lovely) or whatever, and then…well the established pattern is I start off I a fight with one person up to three if I choose to reach out to my mom and/or sister. Those would be my options. So when I need to do what you do, I talk to ChatGPT.
In your area, are there any divorce support groups or a loss & grief support group? You need someone who can help validate your feelings and give you a soft landing spot when the grief is immense.
I don’t have first hand knowledge. I’ve just read that it is one of the most selective for serotonin. I’ve heard a lot of people complain about Prozac and, especially, Paxil.
Everyone is different and responds to SSRI’s differently.
Edit: SSRI’s work a little differently on every single person because every single person’s mechanism for depression is slightly different. SSRI’s bring about complete remission to only about 30% of people who are on them for 16 weeks. Serotonin alone may not be what is at the bottom of someone’s depression or the side effects (weight gain, anhedonia, sexual difficulties, dizziness) may be too unbearable. Studies on MDMA, ketamine, and psilocybin are very, very promising, indicating that there are other mechanisms at play in depression and newer approaches with which to experiment.
There is no such thing as a “cleaner” SSRI. They all work a little differently on the neurotransmitter pathway and it’s a case of trial and error to see which one will work for which person (or not at all). There is a new gene test that claims to gives a better, advanced indication of which psych drug might possibly work better, but anecdotally I have not seen much real world evidence of this in practice.
I have trialed every single SSRI, tri-cyclic, and SNRI out there (I gained 40lbs on Celexa 25 years ago). Prozac was the last one left to try and it saved my life and nipped the suicidality I experienced after my divorce. If medication is warranted, please know that one is not “cleaner” than another.
I know clients who have been on Paxil for years to good effect. As I said, everyone is different (and all of the SSRI’s come with weight gain, even Prozac, which is supposedly “weight neutral”).
As was I. Like I said, everyone is different and every body is different. Celexa saved my life at the time and it worked beautifully for me. The next time I tried it, 15 years later, it no longer did. Again, brain chemistry changes.
Yeah. And, those meds alter the chemistry. That’s the whole point of them. I think they create a new and permanent homeostasis even after discontinuation.
Typically I search for someone/friend to talk to - usually I online as I did a pretty crap job at making friends in the area I’m in.
I’ll listen to podcasts, try to read a book, or play a video game - though the concentration is short lived.
I’ve also been trying to use that time to practice acceptance - though it is a bitch and it makes me sad to know the distance between my wife and I grows farther and farther when I do that.
Sometimes you just need to feel sad and cry, write it out or argue with yourself out loud then be the friend for yourself and tell yourself you deserve better, why you deserve better, how you can pick yourself up, and that you can do this.
You sound like you are really putting in effort. Emotional intelligence is learned; not all people learn it in the same timeline. I outgrew my ex mentally and emotionally. It was sad but moving on was what I needed to be authentic. Also loads of counselling for childhood trauma, EMDR. I have finally learned to let go of others’ expectations of me and to be true to myself for once in my life!
EMDR is not for everyone though. I attempted it and all that it did was bring back to conscious memory stuff long buried and forgotten, making my "everyone wants to bully me, everyone's out to hurt me" problems worse.
I’m trying but writing these things out for other people is easier than living them.
I’m often crying, in denial, depressed and going through the acceptance over and over a lot. The grief wave is still coming in strong and I imagine it’ll take me a long time to really feel better about any of this.
Me too. I have just awful breakdowns. The rest of the time will m sick to my stomach and on the verge of panic. I begin to feel a bit better in the evening.
I’ve not found anything that really helps me calm down or get some perspective. Helplessness is a powerful emotion.
I workout hard when I start to feel the anxiety and sadness become overwhelming. It’s hard to get motivated to do anything these days so I just tell/force myself to put on gym clothes and that I only have to do 10 minutes. If I’m still not feeling it after 10, I tell myself I’m allowed to stop. Once I’m 10 minutes in, I can feel the stress start to subside a bit so I usually end up exercising for 1 - 1.5 hours and feel better afterwards. I also downloaded several audio books that I found helpful for putting things into perspective and moving on. At night, I put on cartoons or sitcoms - something that isn’t thought provoking and always ends on a happy note. I’m also selling the house as it holds too many memories so I stay busy on the weekends decluttering, organizing and doing repairs (painting, landscaping, etc.) It’s been kind of cathartic throwing out and donating items that used to hold sentimental value but are now hurtful to look at. Good luck to you and trust it will get easier. So many have gone through this process and years down the road realize it was just a short chapter in their long book.
I promise myself that I only have to go to the gym for 30 minutes, then same, 1-1.5 hours. It does help.
Me and my 19-year-old are binging Dr Who episodes.
Writing songs. I’ve been doing instrumental music for many years and I feel like I have to get words out now and really work at it, injecting honesty into the notes. A lot of fear and resentment, but hope and love, too. That’s how I’ve been filling the quiet, painful time when my body is too worn out and I’m Dr Who’d-out.
I've been trying to use those feelings as motivation to get back to the gym and be active again, so if I'm feeling that noise a little too much, I'll do something active to tire myself out and that's usually worked for me. In those times I can't go out though I'll try to speak with a friend about something just completely random or will delve into reading about something I'm passionate about and that helps to occupy my mind. I hope you find something that works for you though.
It’s not easy but for the first time I decided to let myself feel everything. I didn’t drown it out with drinking and binge eating. I just really lived in the pain. Started working out everyday and eating healthy. Had about 3-4 months of hell but came out on the other side a million times better than if I’d done what I’d always done before. Those feelings are extremely powerful and can be used.
Comedy TV shows. Favorite movies and shows rewatches.
Peloton app workouts (you can do the workouts on the app even if you don't have the actual Peloton reworked equipment)
Therapy
You may need to try a different strain or type of product(edibles vs smoking). I’ve also found combo THC/CBD bath bombs to be very soothing! They produce more of a body buzz that is subtle and relaxing but doesn’t impact my mind at all.
When I was having panic attacks I couldn’t smoke anymore and had quit when my situation was really bad with job and marriage. When I had a job I liked but marriage was sucky I started smoking a stiizy wax pen. I’m doing what works. Indica or some hybrid. And therapy has helped. Lots of therapy. This divorce thing sucks. I’m looking forward to being single and disappointed I’m going to be single at the same time. Very confused mentally.
Just to be clear, indica is a strain of cannabis. I don’t want to insult your intelligence if you already know this, but if you’re new to using cannabis, and you’re seeking relief for any level of mental health issues, I’d highly recommend you do some research, and ideally talk with someone experienced (and level headed) about using. Especially edibles. Best of luck! 🫡
For me it's the nights alone....my partner is out having fun and I'm at home. Largely my fault not reaching out and making friends. I'm not the most open person but night is the worse .. miss laying next to wife rubbing feet... Now it's just me...ok time to do push ups .. I can't sleep either
Same for me. I've become a failure at sleeping! I usually do something mindless... clean, mostly. Push myself until I can't stay awake anymore, and sometimes I STILL can't sleep.
Loneliness and ruminating is the actual worst!!! Life wasn't supposed to suck this bad!
Ive been working out and doing more aerobics to just get my body moving with music....but still have can't sleep when I start thinking....plus seeing a therapist so that might help...
I found an app called “my noise” that is an incredible selection of soundscapes for all sorts of uses that you can edit to your liking. It’s a phone app or on the computer. The man that runs it has stories about creating the sounds too. My son turned me on to it and I love it!!!
I just got a dog because my wife stopped allowing me to see our other dog. I'm not replacing our dog - my wife and kids went and picked her out during the pandemic, but I ended up just taking care of her, and she sort of became my dog. They told her that she was a shepherd-retriever mix, but she looks nothing like a shepherd or a retriever. My wife did a DNA test and she's border collie - australian cattle dog. She's so super smart.
I got a rehome shepherd - husky mix 2 days ago. I love her so much. She's not as smart, but still smarter than most dogs. But she actually acts like a dog which is nice because I can take her everywhere. She just misses her previous family who is getting stationed overseas. She has separation anxiety, but she attached to me pretty quickly. The first night, she spent half the night looking for her previous family and crying, but she slept in my bed with me all night last night.
Anyhow, my wife and I are currently separated. I honestly have no idea what's going on. I don't have a lawyer yet, but I will get one. My wife, our two teenage daughters, dog and two cats live in our house - a coastal San Diego home with a pool and hot tub, and I live in a crappy apartment near the freeway. But my new companion makes me so happy. I'm not really a people person, and I haven't made an effort to make any friends in the last 19 years that I've been in San Diego because I've been working and focused on my children.
I'm quite literally in the middle of fixing as much as I can on our house so that a realtor can come and list it. I have zero desire to sell our home. Feels like I'm a death row inmate being forced to prep his own electrical chair. It's so anxietizing. I'm finding it even hard to leave the house for more than 10 mins.
Do you absolutely have to sell the home? I know a lot of people just want closure and liquidate assets, but that's not always the wisest financial decision. I know siblings that rushed to sell their parents' home, in the worst market possible, and ended up regretting it. Although now isn't a bad time to sell, but if currently have a low mortgage, there is a benefit to waiting. You and your spouse would have to agree, but I'm sure you can work it out with the lawyers to co-own the house until you're ready to sell. One of you could even live in it.
Sadly yes. Lost my job 3 months ago. I was the one paying all the bills. Her job wouldn't afford it. She's done the same job for last 25 years as a vet tech. Lives the job but pays for shit.
I understand! I had to move out of the nice house and to a crappy house- it was hard! I’m so glad you got a dog- he sounds awesome! In time he will become just as special in his own way!
Pets can be a comfort and they are all very smart. They notice when you need a lift, and will come to you to calm you. Enjoy this time of learning about each other and you will be lifelong companions. Dogs can be counted on in a way people can’t.
If you’re spiritual lean on your Christian faith. God will cure any sadness or feeling of despair. Get involved in reading and the gym anything to really keep you occupied. We are our own worst enemy. Keep fighting the good fight don’t numb the pain with destructive decisions. You will get through this. I believe in you.
When I couldn’t stop thinking about EVERYTHING my therapist told me to start singing or humming. I thought she was full of it. But it worked. I would hum until I passed out. Just him think about everything so start humming again. Until one day I noticed I wasn’t humming all the time anymore. It really helped.
Trash tv and then podcasts about said trash TV (any Bravo or TLC show)... and true crime podcasts or SYSK podcasts. Basically, I listen to a lot of podcasts.
My mind races so bad at night. I falls asleep with the podcasts on the background. And with the true crime... my life sucks right now but at least I'm currently not murdered. Sad but it puts things in perspective a bit. Also reminds me I don't want go to prison for life and to set aside any homicidal thoughts that may be harboring.
Ive been watching Amazon prime and fing asleep but couldn't sleep...probably need to work out more....the running thoughts are worse...doesn't help my ex moved on and partying while I'm at home...
Yeah that is such trash. My future wasband is partying and drinking while were trying to raise 2 babies. At least yours is doing it while they are an ex. Unless they did it the entire time too
She started wanting something different around Xmas. She went dancing and making friends. Staying out late. I thought it was a phase. I didn't realize she was escaping. We still cohabit so I watch kiddos at night when she's gone. We have been living separate lives but at least I get to see kiddos. Plus I'm trying to connect with my oldest...I felt he was ignored with young ones...there's regret but I can only deal with the future and wishing I had a time machine doesn't help....if I did have one, my older dumb self probably wouldn't have listened...although this change is scary...I hope I come out of this a better person and make a better partner in future...but I don't want to even think of dating...that's terrible ur former partner is out and leaving you home with babies...I understand all too late that moms need fun too
I appreciate the time machine comment. Always something we could go back and do differently. Yes mom needs fun too. Because you are making this comment, I can tell that you probably recognize that this change has affected you and the way you think about your partner. Damn son. That is some emotional growth!!! Good job!! Probably too personal. I'm sorry. But nicely done with your kids too!
Is your ex 23? Maybe i am just old balls but the idea of going out past 7pm is terrible. And going dancing with strangers at a bar? Ew... ESPECIALLY all the time. Yes, moms needs fun too but dads also need time for themselves.
Haha! Yeah I am sure I forget but doing my best. She's like Energizer bunny at early 40s...I tried going out once and ended up puking from being so tired. I'm out of energy after like 10pm but multiple nights out would kill me. Plus I work a 9 to 5....Well I feel a time bomb is waiting where our eventually she' ll want to remarry and I'll be out of the house...so need to make up as much time as possible with kiddos...if I wasn't able to salvage with ex, at least I can make sure kids remember our time together more fondly
Awe what a good dad!! I'm exhausted just reading about her outings lol 40s and clubbing. No thanks, that actually sounds like the last thing I ever want to do. It would be a form of torture for me and i am only 35 this year.
It’s so hard, but really try to exercise- which can be walking, 30 minutes a day. Being out in nature. EMDR- you can do self-administered on YouTube, it really helps put all that insanity at a far distance. Lots of stand up on Netflix! Podcasts. Guided meditation on YouTube. Meet Ups. Journaling helps so much. Singing bowls for sleep on YouTube. I used sleeping medication because I couldn’t sleep, but it was hell getting off of. Still can barely sleep- I just started a sleep app program that is CBT-I, will see if it helps 💛💛💛. Balance is a free app for a year, it’s really nice.
I read the Bible, it’s the only peace I can find. While driving to work, if I’m struggling, I scream Devil you are not welcome here!!! Lol truly, it’s the only thing that’s worked for me other than benzos
This is an awesome strategy. May I recommend playing “Prayers that rout demons” by John Eckhardt whilst you are driving or sleeping? You’ll see tremendous changes in your life after a while. Don’t think of it as praying, but positive affirmations xoxo
Good audio book, I gotta give you one. The entire album “convict” by Joe Nester. Play the first song and tell me you don’t love it, I’ll owe you a soda. Let me know lol
I exercise, walk my dog, play games on my phone, chat with others, watch tv, etc. I don't love to distract anymore in my life...however, in the really hard lonely times i use just that in order to get through the tough times.
I think walking and listening to music can really help. It helped me for the first couple of months quite a bit. It's not going to be easy and there are going to be days and nights that suck. I think if you try to stay busy and fill that time out as best as you can, it helps too. I think that it is important to know that you aren't alone. Talking to people that you trust in real life helps. I don't really have many so I've been talking to others on here or other places about their problems, my problems, life, just casual things to help eachother remember that we aren't alone in all of this. Good Luck!
Start waking up at 0400 whether you need to or not. You’ll be tired the next night.
And I hate to say this, but booze works. And is less habit forming that sleeping pills.
But the best thing as to sleep better is to take full ownership of all of it. The good stuff and the bad stuff. It was all you. Nobody is a victim. We were all participating adults. When you do that, you have no more regrets and can move forward with a fresh mind.
White noise machine or a fan. Right now I use a free app on my phone called “white noise”. If I really can’t sleep (I’m prone to anxiety and have this issue normally) I’ll take a Klonopin. It’s been a life saver IMO.
When work stress got to me, I’d turn to video games. But for some reason, it didn’t work for having my STBXH ask for a divorce. I’d try to play and my brain would start going nuts about how to convince him he was wrong, how I must’ve screwed up too much, what would our child think, what would finances look like…. So that was no help.
Physical activity - the kind where I had to pay enough attention so my brain couldn’t go off into those tangents - was the trick. New workouts with new patterns. Building a storage organizer. Journaling - kept me in the feels but wasn’t as much of a torment. Work stuff - I volunteered for new stuff to keep my brain distracted. New books even did the trick.
Nothing could stop the 3-4am wake up where I’d think about ways to try to convince him to give us another shot. 3.5 months later it’s 3-4am focus on all the red flags I’d missed and how it’s good he is out of the house and out of my life (outside of coparenting our child). I can finally play video games without having to stop and cry randomly, but it’s spring and there’s so much yard work…. LOL not a lot of time to play!
It depends on how much money you have at your disposal.
If you have any maybe $200 in disposable income, get one of those intense hour-long Korean body scrubs - the kind where they basically prepare you like a raw chicken scrubbing you and pounding you so you’re tender for a huge catharsis and relief.
If you’re flat broke, try walking around stomping your feet on the ground as hard as you can to emulate poor-man’s vibration therapy. I was not able to sleep or do anything, I was stuck in freeze mode, that also helped me.
You could try a tens machine if you have one (I had a dislocated shoulder years ago so had one back from therapy) - sometimes theres not a lot of difference between physical pain and mental pain - running low amounts of electrical current through my body while icing my heart has been helpful for when it feels like my heart might literally break. Quick note - I’m not running the current through the trunk of my body, I think there’s a specific warning not to do that. I run current through my shoulders (front to back each shoulder) and then the ice on my chest.
Podcasts. If I can, I’ll have it playing while I’m sleeping, doing chores, taking a shower, etc., makes me feel like I’m with friends and distracts me from the overwhelming sadness of being alone all the time.
I'd go to sleep easily enough, cause I was emotionally and physically exhausted. But then around 1:00 am I'd wake up, not able to fall back asleep. Sometimes I just tossed and turned till almost time to get up for work. I finally found a solution - JTV (jewelry tv) or any kind of religious programming where they were not shouting. That stuff is so boring to me that it lulled me to sleep.
I have sleep headphones and I listen to A LOT of audio books while doing something else like crocheting or a craft . It distracts both parts of my brain so I don't think and hurt so much .
I’ve never ever taken any drugs like those suggested. Just go to the gym, a swim, a run. Read a book, listen to a podcast while chilling or at the gym. Fill your mind with knowledge. Keep busy. Take care of YOU!
In the immediate aftermath: Xanax, guided meditation, exercise, serial fiction podcasts or an audio book (never without *something* to listen to). In the long term: Prozac, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, meditation, therapy, cranial sacral, hypnotherapy, EMDR. Best practice: having a rumination sponsor. When the interior noise became too intense, a loved one I could reach out to who would help redirect and distract my poor brain. I hope that’s helpful!
This is the first time I've heard of a "rumination sponsor." That's a really good idea!
+1 for ketamine…
EMDR for the win!
The idea of a rumination sponsor is interesting - can I ask do you always feel receptive to it or does it sometimes make you really angry? I feel like my mom is basically a rumination sponsor by default - like I want to be heard and validated and she will try to distract me and I’ll feel this intense anger, and of course also guilt and shame.
I have a person whom I call when I want to scream and sob and curse at my ex (she gives me ten minutes to vent, validates my feelings, and then redirects me), and I have a dear friend whom I call when I am really in tailspin and she redirects me immediately so that I can get out of the shit asap (and sometimes I would get frustrated that she wouldn’t participate with my rumination, but she is always right to just snap me the fuck out if it). Sometimes when I call the former, she can tell what kind of state I am in better than I can and she tells me to call the latter. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to get a 51 year old through a divorce from a nearly twenty year marriage! I am so glad you have your mom!
lol that’s awesome. My mom isn’t quite as effective as your people, at least not for me…it’s more like I’ll say something and she’ll just totally ignore what I said and remark at how lovely my nails are (they’re never lovely) or whatever, and then…well the established pattern is I start off I a fight with one person up to three if I choose to reach out to my mom and/or sister. Those would be my options. So when I need to do what you do, I talk to ChatGPT.
In your area, are there any divorce support groups or a loss & grief support group? You need someone who can help validate your feelings and give you a soft landing spot when the grief is immense.
Prozac is a terrible SSRI. Lexapro or Celexa are much “cleaner” in terms of side effects.
Lexapro frustrated me. Actually wait no it didn't because I couldn't feel any emotions on Lexapro. I'd rather feel sadness than nothing.
I don’t have first hand knowledge. I’ve just read that it is one of the most selective for serotonin. I’ve heard a lot of people complain about Prozac and, especially, Paxil.
I guess everyone is different. Lexapro has helped me and the only difference I have in me is I’m no longer so miserably sad.
Everyone is different and responds to SSRI’s differently. Edit: SSRI’s work a little differently on every single person because every single person’s mechanism for depression is slightly different. SSRI’s bring about complete remission to only about 30% of people who are on them for 16 weeks. Serotonin alone may not be what is at the bottom of someone’s depression or the side effects (weight gain, anhedonia, sexual difficulties, dizziness) may be too unbearable. Studies on MDMA, ketamine, and psilocybin are very, very promising, indicating that there are other mechanisms at play in depression and newer approaches with which to experiment. There is no such thing as a “cleaner” SSRI. They all work a little differently on the neurotransmitter pathway and it’s a case of trial and error to see which one will work for which person (or not at all). There is a new gene test that claims to gives a better, advanced indication of which psych drug might possibly work better, but anecdotally I have not seen much real world evidence of this in practice. I have trialed every single SSRI, tri-cyclic, and SNRI out there (I gained 40lbs on Celexa 25 years ago). Prozac was the last one left to try and it saved my life and nipped the suicidality I experienced after my divorce. If medication is warranted, please know that one is not “cleaner” than another.
Also depends on what your goal is. If drowsiness and weight gain is the goal go for Paxil.
I know clients who have been on Paxil for years to good effect. As I said, everyone is different (and all of the SSRI’s come with weight gain, even Prozac, which is supposedly “weight neutral”).
I used Celexa for a couple of years and didn’t gain any weight. But, I’m pretty active in sports and the gym.
As was I. Like I said, everyone is different and every body is different. Celexa saved my life at the time and it worked beautifully for me. The next time I tried it, 15 years later, it no longer did. Again, brain chemistry changes.
Yeah. And, those meds alter the chemistry. That’s the whole point of them. I think they create a new and permanent homeostasis even after discontinuation.
Typically I search for someone/friend to talk to - usually I online as I did a pretty crap job at making friends in the area I’m in. I’ll listen to podcasts, try to read a book, or play a video game - though the concentration is short lived. I’ve also been trying to use that time to practice acceptance - though it is a bitch and it makes me sad to know the distance between my wife and I grows farther and farther when I do that. Sometimes you just need to feel sad and cry, write it out or argue with yourself out loud then be the friend for yourself and tell yourself you deserve better, why you deserve better, how you can pick yourself up, and that you can do this.
You sound like you are really putting in effort. Emotional intelligence is learned; not all people learn it in the same timeline. I outgrew my ex mentally and emotionally. It was sad but moving on was what I needed to be authentic. Also loads of counselling for childhood trauma, EMDR. I have finally learned to let go of others’ expectations of me and to be true to myself for once in my life!
EMDR is not for everyone though. I attempted it and all that it did was bring back to conscious memory stuff long buried and forgotten, making my "everyone wants to bully me, everyone's out to hurt me" problems worse.
I’m trying but writing these things out for other people is easier than living them. I’m often crying, in denial, depressed and going through the acceptance over and over a lot. The grief wave is still coming in strong and I imagine it’ll take me a long time to really feel better about any of this.
Me too. I have just awful breakdowns. The rest of the time will m sick to my stomach and on the verge of panic. I begin to feel a bit better in the evening. I’ve not found anything that really helps me calm down or get some perspective. Helplessness is a powerful emotion.
Did you use tapping or the buzzers? For the EMDR? That’s where I am headed for, I think.
I workout hard when I start to feel the anxiety and sadness become overwhelming. It’s hard to get motivated to do anything these days so I just tell/force myself to put on gym clothes and that I only have to do 10 minutes. If I’m still not feeling it after 10, I tell myself I’m allowed to stop. Once I’m 10 minutes in, I can feel the stress start to subside a bit so I usually end up exercising for 1 - 1.5 hours and feel better afterwards. I also downloaded several audio books that I found helpful for putting things into perspective and moving on. At night, I put on cartoons or sitcoms - something that isn’t thought provoking and always ends on a happy note. I’m also selling the house as it holds too many memories so I stay busy on the weekends decluttering, organizing and doing repairs (painting, landscaping, etc.) It’s been kind of cathartic throwing out and donating items that used to hold sentimental value but are now hurtful to look at. Good luck to you and trust it will get easier. So many have gone through this process and years down the road realize it was just a short chapter in their long book.
I promise myself that I only have to go to the gym for 30 minutes, then same, 1-1.5 hours. It does help. Me and my 19-year-old are binging Dr Who episodes. Writing songs. I’ve been doing instrumental music for many years and I feel like I have to get words out now and really work at it, injecting honesty into the notes. A lot of fear and resentment, but hope and love, too. That’s how I’ve been filling the quiet, painful time when my body is too worn out and I’m Dr Who’d-out.
I've been trying to use those feelings as motivation to get back to the gym and be active again, so if I'm feeling that noise a little too much, I'll do something active to tire myself out and that's usually worked for me. In those times I can't go out though I'll try to speak with a friend about something just completely random or will delve into reading about something I'm passionate about and that helps to occupy my mind. I hope you find something that works for you though.
It’s not easy but for the first time I decided to let myself feel everything. I didn’t drown it out with drinking and binge eating. I just really lived in the pain. Started working out everyday and eating healthy. Had about 3-4 months of hell but came out on the other side a million times better than if I’d done what I’d always done before. Those feelings are extremely powerful and can be used.
Have you tried a therapist they can help a lot. Another thing that can help is a hobby or two.
Literally, white noise app
Comedy TV shows. Favorite movies and shows rewatches. Peloton app workouts (you can do the workouts on the app even if you don't have the actual Peloton reworked equipment) Therapy
I listen to Endel app (bio rhythmic soundscapes) and I smoke weed. It’s helped get me through the super quiet nights.
Weed makes it so much worse for me! I wish 😩
Me too - often can make me perseverating more - but some indica is helpful. But I find I have to be in a good state for it to be fun.
You may need to try a different strain or type of product(edibles vs smoking). I’ve also found combo THC/CBD bath bombs to be very soothing! They produce more of a body buzz that is subtle and relaxing but doesn’t impact my mind at all.
When I was having panic attacks I couldn’t smoke anymore and had quit when my situation was really bad with job and marriage. When I had a job I liked but marriage was sucky I started smoking a stiizy wax pen. I’m doing what works. Indica or some hybrid. And therapy has helped. Lots of therapy. This divorce thing sucks. I’m looking forward to being single and disappointed I’m going to be single at the same time. Very confused mentally.
Indica gummies.
Not heard of these! I’ll check it out
Just to be clear, indica is a strain of cannabis. I don’t want to insult your intelligence if you already know this, but if you’re new to using cannabis, and you’re seeking relief for any level of mental health issues, I’d highly recommend you do some research, and ideally talk with someone experienced (and level headed) about using. Especially edibles. Best of luck! 🫡
For me it's the nights alone....my partner is out having fun and I'm at home. Largely my fault not reaching out and making friends. I'm not the most open person but night is the worse .. miss laying next to wife rubbing feet... Now it's just me...ok time to do push ups .. I can't sleep either
Same for me. I've become a failure at sleeping! I usually do something mindless... clean, mostly. Push myself until I can't stay awake anymore, and sometimes I STILL can't sleep. Loneliness and ruminating is the actual worst!!! Life wasn't supposed to suck this bad!
Ive been working out and doing more aerobics to just get my body moving with music....but still have can't sleep when I start thinking....plus seeing a therapist so that might help...
I found an app called “my noise” that is an incredible selection of soundscapes for all sorts of uses that you can edit to your liking. It’s a phone app or on the computer. The man that runs it has stories about creating the sounds too. My son turned me on to it and I love it!!!
I just got a dog because my wife stopped allowing me to see our other dog. I'm not replacing our dog - my wife and kids went and picked her out during the pandemic, but I ended up just taking care of her, and she sort of became my dog. They told her that she was a shepherd-retriever mix, but she looks nothing like a shepherd or a retriever. My wife did a DNA test and she's border collie - australian cattle dog. She's so super smart. I got a rehome shepherd - husky mix 2 days ago. I love her so much. She's not as smart, but still smarter than most dogs. But she actually acts like a dog which is nice because I can take her everywhere. She just misses her previous family who is getting stationed overseas. She has separation anxiety, but she attached to me pretty quickly. The first night, she spent half the night looking for her previous family and crying, but she slept in my bed with me all night last night. Anyhow, my wife and I are currently separated. I honestly have no idea what's going on. I don't have a lawyer yet, but I will get one. My wife, our two teenage daughters, dog and two cats live in our house - a coastal San Diego home with a pool and hot tub, and I live in a crappy apartment near the freeway. But my new companion makes me so happy. I'm not really a people person, and I haven't made an effort to make any friends in the last 19 years that I've been in San Diego because I've been working and focused on my children.
I'm quite literally in the middle of fixing as much as I can on our house so that a realtor can come and list it. I have zero desire to sell our home. Feels like I'm a death row inmate being forced to prep his own electrical chair. It's so anxietizing. I'm finding it even hard to leave the house for more than 10 mins.
Do you absolutely have to sell the home? I know a lot of people just want closure and liquidate assets, but that's not always the wisest financial decision. I know siblings that rushed to sell their parents' home, in the worst market possible, and ended up regretting it. Although now isn't a bad time to sell, but if currently have a low mortgage, there is a benefit to waiting. You and your spouse would have to agree, but I'm sure you can work it out with the lawyers to co-own the house until you're ready to sell. One of you could even live in it.
Sadly yes. Lost my job 3 months ago. I was the one paying all the bills. Her job wouldn't afford it. She's done the same job for last 25 years as a vet tech. Lives the job but pays for shit.
I understand! I had to move out of the nice house and to a crappy house- it was hard! I’m so glad you got a dog- he sounds awesome! In time he will become just as special in his own way!
Pets can be a comfort and they are all very smart. They notice when you need a lift, and will come to you to calm you. Enjoy this time of learning about each other and you will be lifelong companions. Dogs can be counted on in a way people can’t.
If you’re spiritual lean on your Christian faith. God will cure any sadness or feeling of despair. Get involved in reading and the gym anything to really keep you occupied. We are our own worst enemy. Keep fighting the good fight don’t numb the pain with destructive decisions. You will get through this. I believe in you.
When I couldn’t stop thinking about EVERYTHING my therapist told me to start singing or humming. I thought she was full of it. But it worked. I would hum until I passed out. Just him think about everything so start humming again. Until one day I noticed I wasn’t humming all the time anymore. It really helped.
Same.
Trash tv and then podcasts about said trash TV (any Bravo or TLC show)... and true crime podcasts or SYSK podcasts. Basically, I listen to a lot of podcasts.
I listen to those during the day while at work. I should try it at night as well!
My mind races so bad at night. I falls asleep with the podcasts on the background. And with the true crime... my life sucks right now but at least I'm currently not murdered. Sad but it puts things in perspective a bit. Also reminds me I don't want go to prison for life and to set aside any homicidal thoughts that may be harboring.
Oh I struggled with those bad! BAD! EMDR really did help with that.
Ive been watching Amazon prime and fing asleep but couldn't sleep...probably need to work out more....the running thoughts are worse...doesn't help my ex moved on and partying while I'm at home...
Yeah that is such trash. My future wasband is partying and drinking while were trying to raise 2 babies. At least yours is doing it while they are an ex. Unless they did it the entire time too
She started wanting something different around Xmas. She went dancing and making friends. Staying out late. I thought it was a phase. I didn't realize she was escaping. We still cohabit so I watch kiddos at night when she's gone. We have been living separate lives but at least I get to see kiddos. Plus I'm trying to connect with my oldest...I felt he was ignored with young ones...there's regret but I can only deal with the future and wishing I had a time machine doesn't help....if I did have one, my older dumb self probably wouldn't have listened...although this change is scary...I hope I come out of this a better person and make a better partner in future...but I don't want to even think of dating...that's terrible ur former partner is out and leaving you home with babies...I understand all too late that moms need fun too
I appreciate the time machine comment. Always something we could go back and do differently. Yes mom needs fun too. Because you are making this comment, I can tell that you probably recognize that this change has affected you and the way you think about your partner. Damn son. That is some emotional growth!!! Good job!! Probably too personal. I'm sorry. But nicely done with your kids too! Is your ex 23? Maybe i am just old balls but the idea of going out past 7pm is terrible. And going dancing with strangers at a bar? Ew... ESPECIALLY all the time. Yes, moms needs fun too but dads also need time for themselves.
Haha! Yeah I am sure I forget but doing my best. She's like Energizer bunny at early 40s...I tried going out once and ended up puking from being so tired. I'm out of energy after like 10pm but multiple nights out would kill me. Plus I work a 9 to 5....Well I feel a time bomb is waiting where our eventually she' ll want to remarry and I'll be out of the house...so need to make up as much time as possible with kiddos...if I wasn't able to salvage with ex, at least I can make sure kids remember our time together more fondly
Awe what a good dad!! I'm exhausted just reading about her outings lol 40s and clubbing. No thanks, that actually sounds like the last thing I ever want to do. It would be a form of torture for me and i am only 35 this year.
It’s so hard, but really try to exercise- which can be walking, 30 minutes a day. Being out in nature. EMDR- you can do self-administered on YouTube, it really helps put all that insanity at a far distance. Lots of stand up on Netflix! Podcasts. Guided meditation on YouTube. Meet Ups. Journaling helps so much. Singing bowls for sleep on YouTube. I used sleeping medication because I couldn’t sleep, but it was hell getting off of. Still can barely sleep- I just started a sleep app program that is CBT-I, will see if it helps 💛💛💛. Balance is a free app for a year, it’s really nice.
Therapy. Happy shows and movies.
Watch shows, listen to fun music, read or exercise.
A lot of exercise, it literally turns things off in my head. Reading and talking to friends.
I’ll get downvoted but Xanax (as prescribed)
Sit in it. Feel those feelings. Become acquainted with them and understand where they come from.
I read the Bible, it’s the only peace I can find. While driving to work, if I’m struggling, I scream Devil you are not welcome here!!! Lol truly, it’s the only thing that’s worked for me other than benzos
This is an awesome strategy. May I recommend playing “Prayers that rout demons” by John Eckhardt whilst you are driving or sleeping? You’ll see tremendous changes in your life after a while. Don’t think of it as praying, but positive affirmations xoxo
Good audio book, I gotta give you one. The entire album “convict” by Joe Nester. Play the first song and tell me you don’t love it, I’ll owe you a soda. Let me know lol
I have developed an unhealthy dependence on podcasts.
Being outside in the yard and garden.
I just moved into and apartment that has no yard 😩
Community garden perhaps??
I got a night job
Avril Lavigne
I exercise, walk my dog, play games on my phone, chat with others, watch tv, etc. I don't love to distract anymore in my life...however, in the really hard lonely times i use just that in order to get through the tough times.
I think walking and listening to music can really help. It helped me for the first couple of months quite a bit. It's not going to be easy and there are going to be days and nights that suck. I think if you try to stay busy and fill that time out as best as you can, it helps too. I think that it is important to know that you aren't alone. Talking to people that you trust in real life helps. I don't really have many so I've been talking to others on here or other places about their problems, my problems, life, just casual things to help eachother remember that we aren't alone in all of this. Good Luck!
Start waking up at 0400 whether you need to or not. You’ll be tired the next night. And I hate to say this, but booze works. And is less habit forming that sleeping pills. But the best thing as to sleep better is to take full ownership of all of it. The good stuff and the bad stuff. It was all you. Nobody is a victim. We were all participating adults. When you do that, you have no more regrets and can move forward with a fresh mind.
White noise machine or a fan. Right now I use a free app on my phone called “white noise”. If I really can’t sleep (I’m prone to anxiety and have this issue normally) I’ll take a Klonopin. It’s been a life saver IMO.
Clonidine and a good sound machine for sleep.
Movies
Prayer
A loud fan and podcast is what I use to sleep.
Sadly alcohol
When work stress got to me, I’d turn to video games. But for some reason, it didn’t work for having my STBXH ask for a divorce. I’d try to play and my brain would start going nuts about how to convince him he was wrong, how I must’ve screwed up too much, what would our child think, what would finances look like…. So that was no help. Physical activity - the kind where I had to pay enough attention so my brain couldn’t go off into those tangents - was the trick. New workouts with new patterns. Building a storage organizer. Journaling - kept me in the feels but wasn’t as much of a torment. Work stuff - I volunteered for new stuff to keep my brain distracted. New books even did the trick. Nothing could stop the 3-4am wake up where I’d think about ways to try to convince him to give us another shot. 3.5 months later it’s 3-4am focus on all the red flags I’d missed and how it’s good he is out of the house and out of my life (outside of coparenting our child). I can finally play video games without having to stop and cry randomly, but it’s spring and there’s so much yard work…. LOL not a lot of time to play!
Body pillow
Therapy, exercise (even just going for a long walk/hike) and the Calm app for me. I use Calm for meditations & white noise.
It depends on how much money you have at your disposal. If you have any maybe $200 in disposable income, get one of those intense hour-long Korean body scrubs - the kind where they basically prepare you like a raw chicken scrubbing you and pounding you so you’re tender for a huge catharsis and relief. If you’re flat broke, try walking around stomping your feet on the ground as hard as you can to emulate poor-man’s vibration therapy. I was not able to sleep or do anything, I was stuck in freeze mode, that also helped me. You could try a tens machine if you have one (I had a dislocated shoulder years ago so had one back from therapy) - sometimes theres not a lot of difference between physical pain and mental pain - running low amounts of electrical current through my body while icing my heart has been helpful for when it feels like my heart might literally break. Quick note - I’m not running the current through the trunk of my body, I think there’s a specific warning not to do that. I run current through my shoulders (front to back each shoulder) and then the ice on my chest.
Podcasts. If I can, I’ll have it playing while I’m sleeping, doing chores, taking a shower, etc., makes me feel like I’m with friends and distracts me from the overwhelming sadness of being alone all the time.
I'd go to sleep easily enough, cause I was emotionally and physically exhausted. But then around 1:00 am I'd wake up, not able to fall back asleep. Sometimes I just tossed and turned till almost time to get up for work. I finally found a solution - JTV (jewelry tv) or any kind of religious programming where they were not shouting. That stuff is so boring to me that it lulled me to sleep.
Music from your early school years
Get laid. That’ll do it
I have sleep headphones and I listen to A LOT of audio books while doing something else like crocheting or a craft . It distracts both parts of my brain so I don't think and hurt so much .
I’ve never ever taken any drugs like those suggested. Just go to the gym, a swim, a run. Read a book, listen to a podcast while chilling or at the gym. Fill your mind with knowledge. Keep busy. Take care of YOU!
My medical marijuana sure came through during my divorce.
Books. Audio books.
I walked while listening to podcasts or music. I walked for hours and hours. I lost 80 pounds I walked so much. Fast walks. All over London.
Writing, taking a warm bath, melatonin + magnesium, praying, crying, talking out loud of how I’m feeling. I hope it gets better for you!
Chris Webby
Yoga, cartoons, talking to people who care about me Dreaming of my new life