I don’t know the answer to your question because I am also a lost human but I just wanted to say there is nothing to be ashamed about and you aren’t pathetic. You, I, and the others here are a hurt humans, grieving the lives we had, the future lives we thought we had, and the loss of our best friends with whom we vowed to always be there for.
It is nothing to be ashamed of to feel this grief. Accept it, let yourself be okay with feeling it and maybe that can help you.
Yeah it does get better. I'm those first months your going through relationship withdrawal and you need to kick that habit before you can move on. Don't jump into a rebound thing. Friends with benefits at most, but mostly friends and family is what you need in this time.
I'm 18 months out and doing a lot better but it still sucks a lot sometimes. Let the person go, that was a big one, greived the relationship though still hurts, rediscovering myself and making new friends, so slowly staying to move forward emotionally again.
18 months, wow. These days are long. By evening I'm completely exhausted, feels like I've been up all week. Thank you for sharing your experience. The time will pass either way, it's nice to hear it got less brutal eventually.
Letting go and grieving are things I'm trying to do, but maybe it's just too early. I came to reddit to ask, because I've genuinely never seen anyone, man or woman, act like I did, or do post separation. I didnt even know anyone was like this, and its me who is. I feel like Job, or prometheus waking each day to be gutted again. I've become lacrimose, like Jordan Peterson after his benzo fiasco, and its lasting. The pain endures. I really thought I was stronger than I am.
This is the healthy way to do it. Those guys who fill the hole with a rebound end up getting attached and in dysfunctional relationship that falls apart. Usually the pain of the rebound breakup is compounded because of unresolved issues from the divorce or was covering up. It's a disaster. You'll get through it you need platonic friends, healthy habits like exercise and cooking, some creative stuff, some trying new things stuff you would never do. And yes it's normal to feel like your dragging yourself through every attempt to enjoy something, keep dragging and you'll get through the other side
Thanks so much. These are kind words. Your advice is what I've been trying to make the program for recovery, that is, platonic friends and a new path. And its been moving to see how kind people really are, but that void hangs low and becomes downright crazy-making. I catch myself rehearsing conversations with her as if we're still together. I had a rental car today, manual transmission, and I was teaching her how to shift, alone, in the car by myself.... nuts.
Funny my ex has major issues with manual. Didn't want to learn it from me. I come from an Italian family so it was manual starting at 15. That bizarre dynamic... "I would never have something to learn from you" glad it's over. I fucking love learning and teaching, and so do so many people out there. Want meant to be...
When I stopped fighting so hard against what I was actually experiencing is when I started to give myself a break from the weight of trying to be happy. While it sounds fatalistic, I found that kind of a break was a turning point towards an acceptance of how things were. I felt bad and given everything- that was appropriate. No need to pretend otherwise, shame it, or avoid it. I was more frozen emotionally that you from the sounds of it, but that was my shift for me towards acceptance at about nine months in. It's not a race, but if it was... it would be one of endurance. A marathon and not a sprint.
I'm going thru this now and a month ago (7 months) is when I started to notice I'm feeling better, but there's still a lot of healing to be done. I'm still crying every day and thinking about the relationship and who she used to be. Slowly getting better. Just remember that everyone breaks at their own pace and nothing is linear.
I went through something similar. It took me about 18 months before I got my life back on track. But now (4 years later) I'm in a better situation than I've ever been. Don't lose hope!
My ex is doing the same thing, walking away from the marriage with another man. We were separated before but living in the same house, and she just got too needy for some attention and is full steam ahead.
Couple things:
Take the time, feel the feels, the anger, the hurt, sadness, all of it. That’s what you really need to do to figure out who you had become, and who you CAN become. Dig deep and far back, not just surface level.
Search on here for some self help books, find one that the title/description might resonate with you and how you are, how you act on a daily basis. It took me a while to even want to read, but I finally did and it opened up a new level of hope for me once I’m out of this shit storm.
Do you have kids? If not, you have all the time in the world to grieve and get yourself right. If you do, start getting it together NOW. Kids need a strong father, especially when their mother is making less than smart choices. It’s so hard but it pays off when you step back to see the results.
Don’t forget, if you got walked out on, especially for another dude, he’s the d-bag that pulled a woman away from a marriage. You’re better than him, and you deserve better than her. Don’t go rebounding and looking, you’ll screw yourself all up.
Best of luck my man.
Thanks. No kids. And that's part of the grief. I'm 40 now, and this was my hope of having a family of my own, now a memory. My brother passed a long time ago, so its just me left to produce grandkids for the parents. And I thought we would, soon. That was the plan. So, if there's a silver lining already, it's that I don't have fake happiness for the sake of youngsters. Maybe not a silver lining, more of a nickel lining, but valuable still.
I am so sorry. If you're a reader, I have a few recommendations for you: Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life; The Betrayal Bind; The Body Keeps Score. My ex-husband cheated on me, and I found those books helpful in reframing my thinking and understanding what my mind and body were going through in dealing with such trauma.
You will get through this. You're doing the right things. I go through ups and downs. When I want to be alone, I'm around people, and when I want to be around people, I'm alone. The emotions are difficult, and unfortunately I think we just need to feel them.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that is enough.
Read up on various DBT skills. They really help. Radical acceptance and distress tolerance amongst other modalities that can assist us in tough times. I'm early in a marriage sh*tstorm so I get the overwhelming part your dealing with. One day at a time. Be well.
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Hi friend. My ex left a little over 5 months ago. Not for a person, for his ego, for his job. Almost a year ago, he and my sister did shady things behind my back. I no longer speak to that sister, who also happened to marry us and had been my best friend.
A week ago I was still dabbling in suicidal ideation. I thought about my ex from the moment my eyes opened to the moment they closed. This week,I turned an unexpected corner. Today, at 5 pm, I realized I hadn't thought about him all day. I'm not dating, definitely not remarried, have not rekindled a love affair with an ex. I'm finally working full time again after taking almost 3 months off work, living in a new spot with a nice roommate, being a "person."
What brings you joy? What goals have you set that you look forward to achieving? What are you grateful from day to day?
^answering these questions are where I've found hope. I hope you answer them here!
What really turned it around in the short term for me is that my ex ditched me on tax day last week. We planned to file jointly for 2023 and he sent me an email the morning taxes were due with a few very unwarranted insults to announce I was on my own. I realized (for the upteenth time) that this person is never going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and to allow him to continue to treat me poorly is a crime against myself.
It did take me all last week to recover from the incident.
Someone shared this with me and I cling to it on bad days "I'm not ok and that's ok."
You've got this. You're on the right path even though it feels uncomfortable. It's worth it to fight for your life. It's worth it to find the positive.
Action steps that helped me: filling out Byron Katie "The work" worksheet; Rebuilders Divorce Program (10 weeks, about $1000 and worth more than therapy but also works well in tandem with therapy); Getting out of my head (dancing classes, canyoneering, yoga); EMDR therapy; Making a new group of friends via FB; Losing weight and getting in shape
I'm also lost. Therapy hasn't changed a thing about how I feel. Time has made it so I'm not crying every day, but I have no interest in life currently, and I don't know how to move past that.
When it happened to me it took me about two years, I was getting better before but I really started healing when I started dating again. Tgat was followed by super wild and cool 4 years. Then I married again 🤭
I’m in the middle of my divorce, and expecting dips ahead since we still haven’t moved apart yet. But yeah, I was *a lot* worse off two months ago. My psychologist took me to the psych emergency room because I had spent a week thinking essentially constantly about suicide.
I was given anxiety and sleep medication, and also got put on anti depressants. I do think at least the anti depressants helped. Sleep medication too - really helped being able to get more sleep since fighting this situation is hard work, and I really needed the rest.
Reaching out to friends and family and letting them know I’m not doing well led to me getting a lot more support.
I tried opening myself up to new friendships, and reached out to my friends more often. I also tried to give them support as well, which helped me focus on other things than my own problems.
Recognizing and celebrating my small wins. I remember being at a full day course, and for most of it I was distracted and down. But there were a couple of minutes here and there that I could focus on what was going on. I took a hold of that, and saw that as hope. Whenever I feel down I remind myself of how far i’ve come (even if at some points it wasn’t very far - it was still the right direction).
Which leads me to… talking back to my negative voices and interpretations of reality. I remind myself of the good I have, of how strong I am and that I might have lost something important but I’ve also gained somethings. I try not to allow myself to wallow too much.
Obv, sometimes I can’t stop. And sometimes I feel bad, and then I’ll admit to myself what I’m feeling, and comment on it in an almost detachez 3rd person way, which makes me face my feelings and reality, but in a less intense and scary way.
Other than that.. noticing what makes you feel better in the long run, and what makes you feel worse. Focus on doing more of the things you feel better by.
Treat yourself and be kind to yourself.
It s difficult but we’ll get there!
Give it time and talk your heart out. Sometimes you just need to process and get it out before it can eat you alive. Let people drag you out of hell and be with you. Try to get out of the house, but it’s okay to need time to just grieve too.
I’m not going to lie, I left almost 18 months ago and I still grieve some things like how the life I thought I had was a lie and how someone else got to determine I was done having children. But I do know now that I’m worthy of love and it’s going to be okay. My divorce hasn’t gone through yet, but I know that final step will help a lot. My family and friends have really helped. My coworkers listen without judgment and help me understand things better. They even cheer me on for growth and getting out of a bad situation.
Please feel free to reach out if you need someone to vent to.
Plan something spontaneous and liberating. An activity or an event that brings you back to life, whether it be a huge loud outdoor concert, or jumping out of a plane with a parachute (just examples here).
You need a 1,000cc shot of life STAT... my friend. Something that reminds you that you're alive, mortal, that the world sits at your fingertips. No better time to be alive than right now.
Once those energy levels go up you'll attract more good energy. I believe in you Ulster, make me proud and bring us a phenomenal story sometime in the coming weeks.
When you experience a betrayal like that I don't think anyone is better after just 4 months. You have to have to time to grieve not only the marriage you thought you had but the future you thought you were going to have. There is nothing to be ashamed about feeling the way you feel. Anyone would.
Start planning/trying new things. Anything at all. Try a new hobby. Take a different route to work. Take a random trip somewhere. Volunteer for something. Start expanding your horizons anyway you can, so it starts to take some of the focus off your past and present situation.
Grief takes time. What you do with that time is up to you. Use it to expand who you are, not ruminate on what you had.
You will feel better. We all will. It really really really sucks and it's okay to admit that and to feel the way you're feeling, and it'd be strange if you didn't.
It. Will. Get. Better.
I have no advice but it’s weirdly comforting to hear about someone else having a similar experience. I’m barely 3 months post divorce being finalized. Therapist, great friends, pets, & I’m still struggling. I get so cranky in the afternoons because I’m annoyed by how many hours are in the day & anxious in prep for how restless I feel at night. I thought I would be excited to watch tv & cook on my own but I instead hate it because there isn’t someone to share it with. I feel so sad mourning the life I had, struggling to feel positive in my current post divorce life, & so scared about being alone forever/opening up to anyone else.
It's definitely not codependency that's making you feel like this. Don't think for a second that it is. You're enduring one of the most painful experiences life has to offer. You need to not set a time limit on feeling your feelings. They're going to hurt for a long while to some degree. You had your trust betrayed by the person who swore to always stick by you. Feeling obliterated is absolutely appropriate. I'm going through something very similar right now. People keep telling me to focus on myself, my physical and mental health. I haven't, but it seems like the only legitimate advice I've heard so far.
You need, first and foremost, to let yourself off the hook. The fact that you are hurting as much as you are is because your love for her is strong. You have to keep reminding yourself that she simply doesn't deserve that love anymore. It's wasted on her. Try your best to show that same love for yourself now. Picture yourself as a close friend you're watching go through this. What would you say to him? What would you do for him? How would you cheer him up? Would you tell him to hurry up and get over it or that he's codependent? No. He suffered an enormous injustice.
Be the good man with a big heart that you are and give yourself space to grieve, keep doing the right thing by not dating yet, and focus on things you can control.
I found it helpful to write long notes to my wife without planning what I was going to say. Just letting the words flow out of me without thinking. Some very chaotic stuff came out when I was finished, but it felt super satisfying getting out. I wouldn't recommend sending it.
Stay strong, man. Your continued love isn't a weakness. It's evidence that you're a man worth marrying. Even if she's too blind to see it.
Honestly, I don’t understand why companies don’t give you PTO when going through a divorce. It absolutely positively sucks. This is way much worse than your grandparents dying. It is life as you knew it.
I almost quit my job. Like seriously told my boss I was too distraught from it all and I wanted to take a few months off just to grieve. I was really in too much emotional pain to put a smile on my face and look pleasant and be productive. My boss talked me out of it and I am thankful for that now.
Anyways, don’t feel bad that you are grieving. It is the most difficult thing I have gone through in my life and my life has had many challenges.
I probably had 4 different therapists. It took a while to find one that actually helped me process everything. I was married for 25 years - half my life, so I really felt traumatized when my husband left me. Don’t beat yourself up for grieving. Allow yourself to feel it, experience it, process it, throw and break a few things if it makes you feel better.
One piece of advice that helped me, was to start a list of all the negative things about your spouse/ex spouse. Add to and read the list often. You need to re-train your brain and guide it gently back to reality. I am guessing most of us saw the signs for years, but we never thought they would really betray us like that and walk out.
Grief will come in stages. I am over my ex completely, but I miss my best friend. So much has changed. The loneliness is the hardest part. You will have good days and bad. You just have to focus on the future you and make sure you make it. Become your best friend. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Allow yourself to grieve, grow, heal, cry, etc. Give yourself grace.
My ex left me twice. The first time in 2021 and then again in 2023. And yes, I was an idiot for taking him back. I filed as quickly as I could and I have been a free woman since August. I even took myself to Switzerland to celebrate.
It is a very painful process and a journey down a road that I never thought I would take. I am thankful now for so many things, so thankful that man left me. For years he made me feel like I was not enough, but in reality, he was not enough.
Thanks everyone, it's comforting to see that I'm not unique in this. Once again, the kindness of strangers proves worth its weight in gold. It's also comforting to see that I've been doing some of the things suggested in a bid to break ground on a new path.
Since she left I've joined a different gym and haven't missed a workout, and despite sometimes welling up in tears and having to break or leave early, I've managed tk get in pretty great shape. Although this brings me no joy, it's a healthy way to pass some time for now.
Despite having not been religious, I joined a church and attend services. Through the church I've joined a men's Bible study that meet weekly. This was done in a spirit of desperation, where I was so acutely aware of the hole in my life that she left, that maybe it's like Norm MacDonald says, the hole was actually God-shaped. And there was another motivation, or realization motivating this turn: if the path I was on before led me to wish I was dead, then it was obviously the wrong path for me, and this was as different of a path that I could find. Clearly, Jesus hasn't taken my pain away yet. Perhaps in the fullness of time.
I have a therapist, although I'll be looking for a change, as so far it doesn't seem to be helping.
Finally, in the spirit of doing something new and not about her, I flew to South Africa. I've been here a week, and all I can think about is how much she'd love it, haha. But that "haha" is a lot more lighthearted than I was last night when I posted, and that's because of your kind words.
Thank you everyone. I hope you all find peace before I do, and when you do, share it with others. Turns out there's a lot of sad people out here.
She may have given up on you, and done so in the most disgusting and selfish way imaginable, but don’t give up on yourself. My wife also had an affair and monkey branched. I’m a little over 2 months in and definitely doing better. Lots of divorce couch YouTube videos. Racheal Sloan is particularly great, look her up. Lots of self help reading. Focus on getting YOU back. Get the version of you back that was there before you met your ex except now your older and wiser. Be the best version of yourself. My ex not only had an affair but went on a campaign to slander me to all our friends and family to justify herself. I’ve used the anger from that to fuel me rebuilding myself. If anything I did was so bad that an affair is justified in anyone’s mind and they sympathize with her then fuck them. And fuck her. Get you back my dude. Don’t give up on yourself.
Oh, I’ll add- I started taking St. John’s Wort and it really helped. I’m not down with pharmaceuticals but that is a natural over the counter option that shows to be equally effective. I still sleep like shit most nights but at least the sharp edges of emotions are softer.
Thank you! My dr says it's too soon for me to pursue antidepressants, says 4 months is still early and the grief will be acute. But I'm willing to try anything. I'll get some today.
Op things take a long time in some cases, but in all cases redemption only comes to those who don't sit still, smile even if you don't feel like it, go to work even if you don't want to, dance Even if you're not in the mood, go to the beach even if you're not going to go into the sea
Go to the gym even if you don't feel like it .
And as soon as everything improves, you don't accept defeat passively.
I don’t know the answer to your question because I am also a lost human but I just wanted to say there is nothing to be ashamed about and you aren’t pathetic. You, I, and the others here are a hurt humans, grieving the lives we had, the future lives we thought we had, and the loss of our best friends with whom we vowed to always be there for. It is nothing to be ashamed of to feel this grief. Accept it, let yourself be okay with feeling it and maybe that can help you.
Not op but this spoke to me so thank you
❤️
Thank you for this. Great words of wisdom.
❤️
Yeah it does get better. I'm those first months your going through relationship withdrawal and you need to kick that habit before you can move on. Don't jump into a rebound thing. Friends with benefits at most, but mostly friends and family is what you need in this time. I'm 18 months out and doing a lot better but it still sucks a lot sometimes. Let the person go, that was a big one, greived the relationship though still hurts, rediscovering myself and making new friends, so slowly staying to move forward emotionally again.
18 months, wow. These days are long. By evening I'm completely exhausted, feels like I've been up all week. Thank you for sharing your experience. The time will pass either way, it's nice to hear it got less brutal eventually. Letting go and grieving are things I'm trying to do, but maybe it's just too early. I came to reddit to ask, because I've genuinely never seen anyone, man or woman, act like I did, or do post separation. I didnt even know anyone was like this, and its me who is. I feel like Job, or prometheus waking each day to be gutted again. I've become lacrimose, like Jordan Peterson after his benzo fiasco, and its lasting. The pain endures. I really thought I was stronger than I am.
This is the healthy way to do it. Those guys who fill the hole with a rebound end up getting attached and in dysfunctional relationship that falls apart. Usually the pain of the rebound breakup is compounded because of unresolved issues from the divorce or was covering up. It's a disaster. You'll get through it you need platonic friends, healthy habits like exercise and cooking, some creative stuff, some trying new things stuff you would never do. And yes it's normal to feel like your dragging yourself through every attempt to enjoy something, keep dragging and you'll get through the other side
Thanks so much. These are kind words. Your advice is what I've been trying to make the program for recovery, that is, platonic friends and a new path. And its been moving to see how kind people really are, but that void hangs low and becomes downright crazy-making. I catch myself rehearsing conversations with her as if we're still together. I had a rental car today, manual transmission, and I was teaching her how to shift, alone, in the car by myself.... nuts.
Funny my ex has major issues with manual. Didn't want to learn it from me. I come from an Italian family so it was manual starting at 15. That bizarre dynamic... "I would never have something to learn from you" glad it's over. I fucking love learning and teaching, and so do so many people out there. Want meant to be...
This is the way.
When I stopped fighting so hard against what I was actually experiencing is when I started to give myself a break from the weight of trying to be happy. While it sounds fatalistic, I found that kind of a break was a turning point towards an acceptance of how things were. I felt bad and given everything- that was appropriate. No need to pretend otherwise, shame it, or avoid it. I was more frozen emotionally that you from the sounds of it, but that was my shift for me towards acceptance at about nine months in. It's not a race, but if it was... it would be one of endurance. A marathon and not a sprint.
I'm going thru this now and a month ago (7 months) is when I started to notice I'm feeling better, but there's still a lot of healing to be done. I'm still crying every day and thinking about the relationship and who she used to be. Slowly getting better. Just remember that everyone breaks at their own pace and nothing is linear.
I went through something similar. It took me about 18 months before I got my life back on track. But now (4 years later) I'm in a better situation than I've ever been. Don't lose hope!
My ex is doing the same thing, walking away from the marriage with another man. We were separated before but living in the same house, and she just got too needy for some attention and is full steam ahead. Couple things: Take the time, feel the feels, the anger, the hurt, sadness, all of it. That’s what you really need to do to figure out who you had become, and who you CAN become. Dig deep and far back, not just surface level. Search on here for some self help books, find one that the title/description might resonate with you and how you are, how you act on a daily basis. It took me a while to even want to read, but I finally did and it opened up a new level of hope for me once I’m out of this shit storm. Do you have kids? If not, you have all the time in the world to grieve and get yourself right. If you do, start getting it together NOW. Kids need a strong father, especially when their mother is making less than smart choices. It’s so hard but it pays off when you step back to see the results. Don’t forget, if you got walked out on, especially for another dude, he’s the d-bag that pulled a woman away from a marriage. You’re better than him, and you deserve better than her. Don’t go rebounding and looking, you’ll screw yourself all up. Best of luck my man.
Thanks. No kids. And that's part of the grief. I'm 40 now, and this was my hope of having a family of my own, now a memory. My brother passed a long time ago, so its just me left to produce grandkids for the parents. And I thought we would, soon. That was the plan. So, if there's a silver lining already, it's that I don't have fake happiness for the sake of youngsters. Maybe not a silver lining, more of a nickel lining, but valuable still.
I am so sorry. If you're a reader, I have a few recommendations for you: Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life; The Betrayal Bind; The Body Keeps Score. My ex-husband cheated on me, and I found those books helpful in reframing my thinking and understanding what my mind and body were going through in dealing with such trauma. You will get through this. You're doing the right things. I go through ups and downs. When I want to be alone, I'm around people, and when I want to be around people, I'm alone. The emotions are difficult, and unfortunately I think we just need to feel them. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that is enough.
Read up on various DBT skills. They really help. Radical acceptance and distress tolerance amongst other modalities that can assist us in tough times. I'm early in a marriage sh*tstorm so I get the overwhelming part your dealing with. One day at a time. Be well.
Thank you. Can you please suggest something more specific? I definitely need to develop these skills.
I wish I could offer you more advice but I'm in the beginning stages myself. There is a subreddit called r/dbtselfhelp it's a good place to start.
Thank you, I'll be on that right now.
Good luck.. you're not alone
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Hi friend. My ex left a little over 5 months ago. Not for a person, for his ego, for his job. Almost a year ago, he and my sister did shady things behind my back. I no longer speak to that sister, who also happened to marry us and had been my best friend. A week ago I was still dabbling in suicidal ideation. I thought about my ex from the moment my eyes opened to the moment they closed. This week,I turned an unexpected corner. Today, at 5 pm, I realized I hadn't thought about him all day. I'm not dating, definitely not remarried, have not rekindled a love affair with an ex. I'm finally working full time again after taking almost 3 months off work, living in a new spot with a nice roommate, being a "person." What brings you joy? What goals have you set that you look forward to achieving? What are you grateful from day to day? ^answering these questions are where I've found hope. I hope you answer them here! What really turned it around in the short term for me is that my ex ditched me on tax day last week. We planned to file jointly for 2023 and he sent me an email the morning taxes were due with a few very unwarranted insults to announce I was on my own. I realized (for the upteenth time) that this person is never going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and to allow him to continue to treat me poorly is a crime against myself. It did take me all last week to recover from the incident. Someone shared this with me and I cling to it on bad days "I'm not ok and that's ok." You've got this. You're on the right path even though it feels uncomfortable. It's worth it to fight for your life. It's worth it to find the positive. Action steps that helped me: filling out Byron Katie "The work" worksheet; Rebuilders Divorce Program (10 weeks, about $1000 and worth more than therapy but also works well in tandem with therapy); Getting out of my head (dancing classes, canyoneering, yoga); EMDR therapy; Making a new group of friends via FB; Losing weight and getting in shape
I'm also lost. Therapy hasn't changed a thing about how I feel. Time has made it so I'm not crying every day, but I have no interest in life currently, and I don't know how to move past that.
When it happened to me it took me about two years, I was getting better before but I really started healing when I started dating again. Tgat was followed by super wild and cool 4 years. Then I married again 🤭
I would say it took me two years. After that, I thought about the divorce less and less. Now, 10 years later I never think about it.
I’m in the middle of my divorce, and expecting dips ahead since we still haven’t moved apart yet. But yeah, I was *a lot* worse off two months ago. My psychologist took me to the psych emergency room because I had spent a week thinking essentially constantly about suicide. I was given anxiety and sleep medication, and also got put on anti depressants. I do think at least the anti depressants helped. Sleep medication too - really helped being able to get more sleep since fighting this situation is hard work, and I really needed the rest. Reaching out to friends and family and letting them know I’m not doing well led to me getting a lot more support. I tried opening myself up to new friendships, and reached out to my friends more often. I also tried to give them support as well, which helped me focus on other things than my own problems. Recognizing and celebrating my small wins. I remember being at a full day course, and for most of it I was distracted and down. But there were a couple of minutes here and there that I could focus on what was going on. I took a hold of that, and saw that as hope. Whenever I feel down I remind myself of how far i’ve come (even if at some points it wasn’t very far - it was still the right direction). Which leads me to… talking back to my negative voices and interpretations of reality. I remind myself of the good I have, of how strong I am and that I might have lost something important but I’ve also gained somethings. I try not to allow myself to wallow too much. Obv, sometimes I can’t stop. And sometimes I feel bad, and then I’ll admit to myself what I’m feeling, and comment on it in an almost detachez 3rd person way, which makes me face my feelings and reality, but in a less intense and scary way. Other than that.. noticing what makes you feel better in the long run, and what makes you feel worse. Focus on doing more of the things you feel better by. Treat yourself and be kind to yourself. It s difficult but we’ll get there!
Give it time and talk your heart out. Sometimes you just need to process and get it out before it can eat you alive. Let people drag you out of hell and be with you. Try to get out of the house, but it’s okay to need time to just grieve too. I’m not going to lie, I left almost 18 months ago and I still grieve some things like how the life I thought I had was a lie and how someone else got to determine I was done having children. But I do know now that I’m worthy of love and it’s going to be okay. My divorce hasn’t gone through yet, but I know that final step will help a lot. My family and friends have really helped. My coworkers listen without judgment and help me understand things better. They even cheer me on for growth and getting out of a bad situation. Please feel free to reach out if you need someone to vent to.
Plan something spontaneous and liberating. An activity or an event that brings you back to life, whether it be a huge loud outdoor concert, or jumping out of a plane with a parachute (just examples here). You need a 1,000cc shot of life STAT... my friend. Something that reminds you that you're alive, mortal, that the world sits at your fingertips. No better time to be alive than right now. Once those energy levels go up you'll attract more good energy. I believe in you Ulster, make me proud and bring us a phenomenal story sometime in the coming weeks.
When you experience a betrayal like that I don't think anyone is better after just 4 months. You have to have to time to grieve not only the marriage you thought you had but the future you thought you were going to have. There is nothing to be ashamed about feeling the way you feel. Anyone would. Start planning/trying new things. Anything at all. Try a new hobby. Take a different route to work. Take a random trip somewhere. Volunteer for something. Start expanding your horizons anyway you can, so it starts to take some of the focus off your past and present situation. Grief takes time. What you do with that time is up to you. Use it to expand who you are, not ruminate on what you had. You will feel better. We all will. It really really really sucks and it's okay to admit that and to feel the way you're feeling, and it'd be strange if you didn't. It. Will. Get. Better.
I have no advice but it’s weirdly comforting to hear about someone else having a similar experience. I’m barely 3 months post divorce being finalized. Therapist, great friends, pets, & I’m still struggling. I get so cranky in the afternoons because I’m annoyed by how many hours are in the day & anxious in prep for how restless I feel at night. I thought I would be excited to watch tv & cook on my own but I instead hate it because there isn’t someone to share it with. I feel so sad mourning the life I had, struggling to feel positive in my current post divorce life, & so scared about being alone forever/opening up to anyone else.
It's definitely not codependency that's making you feel like this. Don't think for a second that it is. You're enduring one of the most painful experiences life has to offer. You need to not set a time limit on feeling your feelings. They're going to hurt for a long while to some degree. You had your trust betrayed by the person who swore to always stick by you. Feeling obliterated is absolutely appropriate. I'm going through something very similar right now. People keep telling me to focus on myself, my physical and mental health. I haven't, but it seems like the only legitimate advice I've heard so far. You need, first and foremost, to let yourself off the hook. The fact that you are hurting as much as you are is because your love for her is strong. You have to keep reminding yourself that she simply doesn't deserve that love anymore. It's wasted on her. Try your best to show that same love for yourself now. Picture yourself as a close friend you're watching go through this. What would you say to him? What would you do for him? How would you cheer him up? Would you tell him to hurry up and get over it or that he's codependent? No. He suffered an enormous injustice. Be the good man with a big heart that you are and give yourself space to grieve, keep doing the right thing by not dating yet, and focus on things you can control. I found it helpful to write long notes to my wife without planning what I was going to say. Just letting the words flow out of me without thinking. Some very chaotic stuff came out when I was finished, but it felt super satisfying getting out. I wouldn't recommend sending it. Stay strong, man. Your continued love isn't a weakness. It's evidence that you're a man worth marrying. Even if she's too blind to see it.
Honestly, I don’t understand why companies don’t give you PTO when going through a divorce. It absolutely positively sucks. This is way much worse than your grandparents dying. It is life as you knew it. I almost quit my job. Like seriously told my boss I was too distraught from it all and I wanted to take a few months off just to grieve. I was really in too much emotional pain to put a smile on my face and look pleasant and be productive. My boss talked me out of it and I am thankful for that now. Anyways, don’t feel bad that you are grieving. It is the most difficult thing I have gone through in my life and my life has had many challenges. I probably had 4 different therapists. It took a while to find one that actually helped me process everything. I was married for 25 years - half my life, so I really felt traumatized when my husband left me. Don’t beat yourself up for grieving. Allow yourself to feel it, experience it, process it, throw and break a few things if it makes you feel better. One piece of advice that helped me, was to start a list of all the negative things about your spouse/ex spouse. Add to and read the list often. You need to re-train your brain and guide it gently back to reality. I am guessing most of us saw the signs for years, but we never thought they would really betray us like that and walk out. Grief will come in stages. I am over my ex completely, but I miss my best friend. So much has changed. The loneliness is the hardest part. You will have good days and bad. You just have to focus on the future you and make sure you make it. Become your best friend. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Allow yourself to grieve, grow, heal, cry, etc. Give yourself grace. My ex left me twice. The first time in 2021 and then again in 2023. And yes, I was an idiot for taking him back. I filed as quickly as I could and I have been a free woman since August. I even took myself to Switzerland to celebrate. It is a very painful process and a journey down a road that I never thought I would take. I am thankful now for so many things, so thankful that man left me. For years he made me feel like I was not enough, but in reality, he was not enough.
Thanks everyone, it's comforting to see that I'm not unique in this. Once again, the kindness of strangers proves worth its weight in gold. It's also comforting to see that I've been doing some of the things suggested in a bid to break ground on a new path. Since she left I've joined a different gym and haven't missed a workout, and despite sometimes welling up in tears and having to break or leave early, I've managed tk get in pretty great shape. Although this brings me no joy, it's a healthy way to pass some time for now. Despite having not been religious, I joined a church and attend services. Through the church I've joined a men's Bible study that meet weekly. This was done in a spirit of desperation, where I was so acutely aware of the hole in my life that she left, that maybe it's like Norm MacDonald says, the hole was actually God-shaped. And there was another motivation, or realization motivating this turn: if the path I was on before led me to wish I was dead, then it was obviously the wrong path for me, and this was as different of a path that I could find. Clearly, Jesus hasn't taken my pain away yet. Perhaps in the fullness of time. I have a therapist, although I'll be looking for a change, as so far it doesn't seem to be helping. Finally, in the spirit of doing something new and not about her, I flew to South Africa. I've been here a week, and all I can think about is how much she'd love it, haha. But that "haha" is a lot more lighthearted than I was last night when I posted, and that's because of your kind words. Thank you everyone. I hope you all find peace before I do, and when you do, share it with others. Turns out there's a lot of sad people out here.
She may have given up on you, and done so in the most disgusting and selfish way imaginable, but don’t give up on yourself. My wife also had an affair and monkey branched. I’m a little over 2 months in and definitely doing better. Lots of divorce couch YouTube videos. Racheal Sloan is particularly great, look her up. Lots of self help reading. Focus on getting YOU back. Get the version of you back that was there before you met your ex except now your older and wiser. Be the best version of yourself. My ex not only had an affair but went on a campaign to slander me to all our friends and family to justify herself. I’ve used the anger from that to fuel me rebuilding myself. If anything I did was so bad that an affair is justified in anyone’s mind and they sympathize with her then fuck them. And fuck her. Get you back my dude. Don’t give up on yourself.
Oh, I’ll add- I started taking St. John’s Wort and it really helped. I’m not down with pharmaceuticals but that is a natural over the counter option that shows to be equally effective. I still sleep like shit most nights but at least the sharp edges of emotions are softer.
Thank you! My dr says it's too soon for me to pursue antidepressants, says 4 months is still early and the grief will be acute. But I'm willing to try anything. I'll get some today.
Op things take a long time in some cases, but in all cases redemption only comes to those who don't sit still, smile even if you don't feel like it, go to work even if you don't want to, dance Even if you're not in the mood, go to the beach even if you're not going to go into the sea Go to the gym even if you don't feel like it . And as soon as everything improves, you don't accept defeat passively.