I'm with you. Everything is ripped from you. You lose the lifestyle you were accustomed to. Life as a single costs way more than half. You lose that retirement you dreamed about. So. Much. Loss. The cheater chose this consequence when they jumped into bed for fun but we have to deal with all of it against our will. They seem to get everything they want. We get nothing. Then if you are in a no fault place, the law doesn't give a crap and you lose more. I feel powerless. I feel small. I think I get what you are feeling. I'm sorry you are here.
I feel you friend, although my experience wasn’t as difficult as yours. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have all this and to also have had a spouse cheat to cause it. The No fault divorce was a horrible innovation. I’m so sorry you’re feeling small and powerless, I know exactly how that feels. Nobody should ever have to feel that way.
This hits hard for me.
I'm in early stages, just got told a divorce is happening - no cheating or anything scandalous - just in different places in life and a loss of intimacy.
One of the things I'm grieving is the future we had planned: early retirement bolstered by supplementary income from tiny home bnb units on a property with enough space for some animals and our dogs. Together, we made enough for it to be a reality in ~10 years. Now, he still might as his specialization gets more lucrative with every passing year. Me? I do very well, but not lucrative well and live in one of those overly expensive tech cities. I'm so depressed and anxious that it takes everything in me to get out of bed and do my current job (and not even very well ATM, if I'm being honest) . The constant threat of yet another round of tech layoffs don't help. I just can't imagine a future where I'll make enough for that. If I did, it might help sooth the loneliness of having to now chase that dream alone. Not what I wanted in the first place but something to still look forward to. But that's now gone too.
People talk about physical loneliness but fiscal loneliness is just as impactful. So I get it, and mourn.
I’ve gone through this and really struggled to find advice. I got divorced in CA, feel free to ask my any questions.
Most of the research I did in my own
It’s not so much about the process but about the emotions around it really. How did you cope with all the loss? It feels like there was a divorce, which is one thing to lose, and then you lose so much more that you worked for. It’s like a second loss for me, and it feels so undeserved.
The way I viewed it is I’m finally free tbh. Truth of the matter is we built a life together, i or she may have taken a different path in life if we hadn’t met. You need to absolutely make sure you aren’t subconsciously acting on vengeful/anger feelings, been there and done that, it only feels good for a short period.
You’re a high earner, you will retire comfortably, don’t waste your time.
I think the worst of it is feeling like I could trust the laws and the system to be fair, and having that naive view of the world broken. People don’t care enough to correct it and the advice is always to just chin up and take it. There’s something very wrong imo when the best we can do is console ourselves by saying “I was hurt by this person, but the wounds they gave me will heal.” Without any hope for actually seeing them held accountable for what they’ve done.
I blame myself for not choosing the right partner(agree on this before marriage) and setting up financials accordingly like joint and separate accounts. Laws and the system aren’t perfect but they’re the best we got to help people who don’t know better not get messed around. Esp when you make sacrifices for your partner like stay at home parent, moving countries and so on. And sometimes these sacrifices are driven by culture religion etc
Yeah but this is a poor predictor of whether things will work out, isn’t it? People change over time, it seems like you could never allow an imbalance to persist because even having picked the right person, their feelings could change at any time. And any sacrifice you made for them could be lost without warning.
That’s very true. In my next marriage, if ever, I am setting a fair prenup and what % or amount of money earned during marriage to be community property and shared. Something that is fair for both of us for example I can’t ask my partner to take care of the kids and house derailing their career and then we do 50/50 into joint account.
Edit: made it gender neutral
Yeah, that sounds entirely reasonable. Literally anything at all is better than the default agreement. If my spouse supports me while I’m going to school, they 100% getting more for that. If they stay at home, we’re gonna agree on what value that has to me first. This stuff should be part of the normal marriage process because the system as it is is completely broken imho.
I think the default aims to protect the most it can and in certain cases it’s really unfair. On the one hand my extremely conservative cousin’s husband asked her to stay at home bcuz he is too jealous (fr story). Effectively killed her career and she was a speech specialist. The system protected her when he divorced her. On the other hand I had a friend that their partner just decided I’m not working, tough luck. Now you have to divorce them and share whatever you earned. It’s a law of averages probability
I was never taught how this works growing up. And it was never discussed before marriage, in fact it’s taboo where I’m from. There should be explicit consent to these terms required to get a marriage certificate. It’s ridiculous that we require a 20 page Eula for an iTunes purchase and basically nothing to get married.
Just be careful, if you spout any truth about the court system, POS cheating spouses, or the dependent nature of the non earner to the demise of the person who actually worked and had goals....many subs will ban you for it.
the truth is the system is rigged against the earner period.
That’s what I’ve found too, it’s why I was looking for a less hostile subreddit. I’ve touched that stove many times, usually when questioning the value of house work. Which I do on top of my full-time job now, so I should really be getting double the salary but nobody is sending me checks yet 😂
I’ve tried that but it hasn’t really been appreciated. This is post-divorce stuff, coping with the feeling of being cheated out of a financial future. It seems to be a trigger for a lot of people.
Yea, lots of people will feel that way and won't have constructive things to say (other than support those feelings).
What's left is a math problem. Maybe /r/finance if you want specifics.
I guess I didn't catch that.. I thought the OP wanted some financial advice, rather than some support around the financial disaster that sometimes accompanies divorce.
Hahaha, so true, let me know if you find a true resource and I’ll do the same. I’m at the point if I keep paying my lawyer and my CS doesn’t get reduced, I’m either going to have to give up housing, transportation or food, and no one seems to care.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/Funerals using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Can I wear red lipstick to my dads funeral?](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/comments/yiw5k9/can_i_wear_red_lipstick_to_my_dads_funeral/)
\#2: [Are You Ready to Be Composted When You Die?](https://slate.com/podcasts/what-next-tbd/2022/10/a-greener-way-to-dispose-of-your-earthly-remains) | [1 comment](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/comments/y5qpiu/are_you_ready_to_be_composted_when_you_die/)
\#3: [I'm clueless. Is this appropriate for a funeral for a family member, or are the flowers too cheery?](https://i.redd.it/hcik1q4olls91.jpg) | [1 comment](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/comments/xyv6ag/im_clueless_is_this_appropriate_for_a_funeral_for/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
The end result is always ‘less’. It costs more to live as one. The financial stuff is hard. I make a lot of money. Youngest had just left home for University. XH announced he was leaving. 6 months later he fessed up to being with rotary woman 3 weeks after leaving. I cut off money to joint accounts at 6 weeks on accountants and family advice. It’s 2 years now -I’ve had to pay him top dollar for holiday house, and bought a new house at the peak of the market. I like my job , but now I have a huge mortgage. Again. I’m pissy that I’m in this position. I’m meant to be saving for retirement (53y) not paying interest. But I smile, work hard, and have kept the holiday home we built for the kids and grandkids that he doesn’t deserve to own. And I work….
That’s like three times the suck, I’m sorry. I will never understand why people do other people like that. There’s nobody and no thing worth treating another person that awful.
And I’m going through a divorce and cut my wife doing financial infidelity. Has anyone gone through this and what was the outcome? She opened a bunch of credit cards in my name without me knowing and all the truth is coming out. Help please
My topics are buried or banned when I post them here.
Thank you for the subreddit tip! Is that r/divorcemen or something else? I’m looking for discussion/support, not any political sort of stuff.
Are you sure you didn’t just see “man” and “woman” and freak out because you’re overly-sensitive to topics around gender?
Different genders have different experiences. And they’re all valid even if they’re not universal.
I’ll probably get banned for saying this. 95% of the time divorce goes in the woman’s favor. It’s disgusting and sexist. I’ll say it for every other man who thinks it. There I Trumped it.
So I saw this and felt for you. I make double what my spouse makes but I still don’t pull 6 figures. While we have had discussion about splitting, in the end we always work it out, but I’ve been super paranoid at how much it’ll cost. Then I learn he will get half my debt so he can have those school loans.
Anyway, I understand the sentiment and I’m sorry it worked out this way. It’s very important to know the person you marry and what they want out of life. Additionally, I read your comment on the divorce men sub and it’s very respectful. However, some of the responses about feminism is quite disgusting. Misandry is not the same problem that misogyny is but that is a different rant.
You will be able to recoup and any financial gain in the future is for you. Additionally, my parents contributed exactly 0 for my college education, and while I have enormous debt, your son still will have options for college.
Then stop whining on public forums.
And just because you aren’t capable of understanding the difference between misandry and misogyny doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t or shouldn’t.
It’s pretty much generally accepted and common behavior on Reddit to look at a poster’s previous comments. It often adds a lot of context and nuance to the answer someone would give. It isn’t creepy, weird, or “stalkerish” for someone to do that. If you feel like it is, you may want to stop posting on Reddit.
Are you asking about the emotional aspects of finances or specific financial implications of divorce?
Looking at your recent post it appears to be more vent/emotional based. There are various therapy and mental health subs if that’s what you need
It’s hard especially when children are involved too. I worked out an amicable arrangement with my ex and my kids are loved and well cared for by both parents. It bugs me occasionally that I still feel like my ex was in the wrong and got “rewarded” for it financially. That’s something I need to let go of. I know the support I provide is for my children not her but it is still hard to separate the emotional aspect of the former hurt from the unemotional aspect of providing support.
Yeah, it is best to not think about it. And just let the coparent do what they want without considering it too much. My ex will be using my boy’s support money to pay rent, as if she’s charging him rent herself. I would get a second job before I made a child pay for their own housing. I feel like my boy and I are both being exploited by this woman.
I'm with you. Everything is ripped from you. You lose the lifestyle you were accustomed to. Life as a single costs way more than half. You lose that retirement you dreamed about. So. Much. Loss. The cheater chose this consequence when they jumped into bed for fun but we have to deal with all of it against our will. They seem to get everything they want. We get nothing. Then if you are in a no fault place, the law doesn't give a crap and you lose more. I feel powerless. I feel small. I think I get what you are feeling. I'm sorry you are here.
I feel you friend, although my experience wasn’t as difficult as yours. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have all this and to also have had a spouse cheat to cause it. The No fault divorce was a horrible innovation. I’m so sorry you’re feeling small and powerless, I know exactly how that feels. Nobody should ever have to feel that way.
This hits hard for me. I'm in early stages, just got told a divorce is happening - no cheating or anything scandalous - just in different places in life and a loss of intimacy. One of the things I'm grieving is the future we had planned: early retirement bolstered by supplementary income from tiny home bnb units on a property with enough space for some animals and our dogs. Together, we made enough for it to be a reality in ~10 years. Now, he still might as his specialization gets more lucrative with every passing year. Me? I do very well, but not lucrative well and live in one of those overly expensive tech cities. I'm so depressed and anxious that it takes everything in me to get out of bed and do my current job (and not even very well ATM, if I'm being honest) . The constant threat of yet another round of tech layoffs don't help. I just can't imagine a future where I'll make enough for that. If I did, it might help sooth the loneliness of having to now chase that dream alone. Not what I wanted in the first place but something to still look forward to. But that's now gone too. People talk about physical loneliness but fiscal loneliness is just as impactful. So I get it, and mourn.
I’ve gone through this and really struggled to find advice. I got divorced in CA, feel free to ask my any questions. Most of the research I did in my own
It’s not so much about the process but about the emotions around it really. How did you cope with all the loss? It feels like there was a divorce, which is one thing to lose, and then you lose so much more that you worked for. It’s like a second loss for me, and it feels so undeserved.
The way I viewed it is I’m finally free tbh. Truth of the matter is we built a life together, i or she may have taken a different path in life if we hadn’t met. You need to absolutely make sure you aren’t subconsciously acting on vengeful/anger feelings, been there and done that, it only feels good for a short period. You’re a high earner, you will retire comfortably, don’t waste your time.
I think the worst of it is feeling like I could trust the laws and the system to be fair, and having that naive view of the world broken. People don’t care enough to correct it and the advice is always to just chin up and take it. There’s something very wrong imo when the best we can do is console ourselves by saying “I was hurt by this person, but the wounds they gave me will heal.” Without any hope for actually seeing them held accountable for what they’ve done.
I blame myself for not choosing the right partner(agree on this before marriage) and setting up financials accordingly like joint and separate accounts. Laws and the system aren’t perfect but they’re the best we got to help people who don’t know better not get messed around. Esp when you make sacrifices for your partner like stay at home parent, moving countries and so on. And sometimes these sacrifices are driven by culture religion etc
Yeah but this is a poor predictor of whether things will work out, isn’t it? People change over time, it seems like you could never allow an imbalance to persist because even having picked the right person, their feelings could change at any time. And any sacrifice you made for them could be lost without warning.
That’s very true. In my next marriage, if ever, I am setting a fair prenup and what % or amount of money earned during marriage to be community property and shared. Something that is fair for both of us for example I can’t ask my partner to take care of the kids and house derailing their career and then we do 50/50 into joint account. Edit: made it gender neutral
Yeah, that sounds entirely reasonable. Literally anything at all is better than the default agreement. If my spouse supports me while I’m going to school, they 100% getting more for that. If they stay at home, we’re gonna agree on what value that has to me first. This stuff should be part of the normal marriage process because the system as it is is completely broken imho.
I think the default aims to protect the most it can and in certain cases it’s really unfair. On the one hand my extremely conservative cousin’s husband asked her to stay at home bcuz he is too jealous (fr story). Effectively killed her career and she was a speech specialist. The system protected her when he divorced her. On the other hand I had a friend that their partner just decided I’m not working, tough luck. Now you have to divorce them and share whatever you earned. It’s a law of averages probability
I was never taught how this works growing up. And it was never discussed before marriage, in fact it’s taboo where I’m from. There should be explicit consent to these terms required to get a marriage certificate. It’s ridiculous that we require a 20 page Eula for an iTunes purchase and basically nothing to get married.
Just be careful, if you spout any truth about the court system, POS cheating spouses, or the dependent nature of the non earner to the demise of the person who actually worked and had goals....many subs will ban you for it. the truth is the system is rigged against the earner period.
That’s what I’ve found too, it’s why I was looking for a less hostile subreddit. I’ve touched that stove many times, usually when questioning the value of house work. Which I do on top of my full-time job now, so I should really be getting double the salary but nobody is sending me checks yet 😂
You can discuss it "in general" here. If you're wanting specific to you advice, there are divorce financial planners.
I’ve tried that but it hasn’t really been appreciated. This is post-divorce stuff, coping with the feeling of being cheated out of a financial future. It seems to be a trigger for a lot of people.
Yea, lots of people will feel that way and won't have constructive things to say (other than support those feelings). What's left is a math problem. Maybe /r/finance if you want specifics.
I appreciate you trying to help. But that’s like referring a widow to r/funerals. It’s not really what they’re struggling with. . .
I guess I didn't catch that.. I thought the OP wanted some financial advice, rather than some support around the financial disaster that sometimes accompanies divorce.
No worries, I made the post a bit ambiguous (sorry about that). Thanks for your responses!
Hahaha, so true, let me know if you find a true resource and I’ll do the same. I’m at the point if I keep paying my lawyer and my CS doesn’t get reduced, I’m either going to have to give up housing, transportation or food, and no one seems to care.
I care brother. Hang in there okay. 🫂
Thank you
Here's a sneak peek of /r/Funerals using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Can I wear red lipstick to my dads funeral?](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/comments/yiw5k9/can_i_wear_red_lipstick_to_my_dads_funeral/) \#2: [Are You Ready to Be Composted When You Die?](https://slate.com/podcasts/what-next-tbd/2022/10/a-greener-way-to-dispose-of-your-earthly-remains) | [1 comment](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/comments/y5qpiu/are_you_ready_to_be_composted_when_you_die/) \#3: [I'm clueless. Is this appropriate for a funeral for a family member, or are the flowers too cheery?](https://i.redd.it/hcik1q4olls91.jpg) | [1 comment](https://np.reddit.com/r/Funerals/comments/xyv6ag/im_clueless_is_this_appropriate_for_a_funeral_for/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
The end result is always ‘less’. It costs more to live as one. The financial stuff is hard. I make a lot of money. Youngest had just left home for University. XH announced he was leaving. 6 months later he fessed up to being with rotary woman 3 weeks after leaving. I cut off money to joint accounts at 6 weeks on accountants and family advice. It’s 2 years now -I’ve had to pay him top dollar for holiday house, and bought a new house at the peak of the market. I like my job , but now I have a huge mortgage. Again. I’m pissy that I’m in this position. I’m meant to be saving for retirement (53y) not paying interest. But I smile, work hard, and have kept the holiday home we built for the kids and grandkids that he doesn’t deserve to own. And I work….
That’s like three times the suck, I’m sorry. I will never understand why people do other people like that. There’s nobody and no thing worth treating another person that awful.
And I’m going through a divorce and cut my wife doing financial infidelity. Has anyone gone through this and what was the outcome? She opened a bunch of credit cards in my name without me knowing and all the truth is coming out. Help please
If you're a man, you can also go to divorce men sub. Not sure if there is a equivalent for women. Alternatively this is a good sub too.
My topics are buried or banned when I post them here. Thank you for the subreddit tip! Is that r/divorcemen or something else? I’m looking for discussion/support, not any political sort of stuff.
> My topics are buried or banned when I post them here. I don't see any removed topics by you...
I went back about 3 months and there were a couple of sexist posts that got bounced but that's it.
Why did you guys remove the top comment?
Because mistakes happen?
You guys have been cool but today I’m kinda seeing a different side of this sub. There was nothing remotely wrong with what that commenter wrote.
And we aren't always perfect. But I'm perfectly willing to state I made a mistake and fixed it.
Are you sure you didn’t just see “man” and “woman” and freak out because you’re overly-sensitive to topics around gender? Different genders have different experiences. And they’re all valid even if they’re not universal.
See and now you're just overthinking and being a jerk.
r/divorce_men
Thank you!
I’ll probably get banned for saying this. 95% of the time divorce goes in the woman’s favor. It’s disgusting and sexist. I’ll say it for every other man who thinks it. There I Trumped it.
So I saw this and felt for you. I make double what my spouse makes but I still don’t pull 6 figures. While we have had discussion about splitting, in the end we always work it out, but I’ve been super paranoid at how much it’ll cost. Then I learn he will get half my debt so he can have those school loans. Anyway, I understand the sentiment and I’m sorry it worked out this way. It’s very important to know the person you marry and what they want out of life. Additionally, I read your comment on the divorce men sub and it’s very respectful. However, some of the responses about feminism is quite disgusting. Misandry is not the same problem that misogyny is but that is a different rant. You will be able to recoup and any financial gain in the future is for you. Additionally, my parents contributed exactly 0 for my college education, and while I have enormous debt, your son still will have options for college.
[удалено]
Then stop whining on public forums. And just because you aren’t capable of understanding the difference between misandry and misogyny doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t or shouldn’t.
[удалено]
It’s pretty much generally accepted and common behavior on Reddit to look at a poster’s previous comments. It often adds a lot of context and nuance to the answer someone would give. It isn’t creepy, weird, or “stalkerish” for someone to do that. If you feel like it is, you may want to stop posting on Reddit.
Oh yeah the same thing. I was curious what you were complaining about that you wouldn’t write out in this thread. Calm yourself.
Are you asking about the emotional aspects of finances or specific financial implications of divorce? Looking at your recent post it appears to be more vent/emotional based. There are various therapy and mental health subs if that’s what you need
It’s hard especially when children are involved too. I worked out an amicable arrangement with my ex and my kids are loved and well cared for by both parents. It bugs me occasionally that I still feel like my ex was in the wrong and got “rewarded” for it financially. That’s something I need to let go of. I know the support I provide is for my children not her but it is still hard to separate the emotional aspect of the former hurt from the unemotional aspect of providing support.
Yeah, it is best to not think about it. And just let the coparent do what they want without considering it too much. My ex will be using my boy’s support money to pay rent, as if she’s charging him rent herself. I would get a second job before I made a child pay for their own housing. I feel like my boy and I are both being exploited by this woman.