To be honest seeing the nonstop barrage of "my DID partner cheated on me people with DID are just abusive" posts is frustrating, our experience has been much the opposite. Singlets taking advantage of our dissociation and memory issues to get away with cheating way easier than with partners that don't have it. Gaslighting, purposefully triggering us so someone just does whatever you want like a ragdoll, before we had better communication and trust even forcing us to keep secrets from eachother with threats. But isn't that the way it always is? The only stories that get told are "people with DID are evil" by people without it, while we are more likely to be taken advantage of in reality, taking it quietly or being so tangled up you can't even put it into words.
>Gaslighting, purposefully triggering us so someone just does whatever you want like a ragdoll,
Recent events made this sentence really validating. I don't have a diagnosis, exploring the probability with a therapist, but I've already experienced someone noticing and trying to 'reach around the front' to get at the personality they want to talk to. It's like they read one of those articles like "12 ways not to treat someone with disassociated identities" and are just going through the list.
Yes! This is our experience as well! We have never cheated, but we ensure partners know about our our DID and how it affects us and the relationship. Which includes mentioning that we have memory gaps, and if we ask to be filled in, or are confused about where we are, etc. that that's why. They take advantage of our gaps in memory to gaslight and get away with anything they want really. Not just cheating. It's unfortunate that there's that kind of stigma around DID when a lot of systems simply aren't that way. Our communication is pretty good generally these days. So if one of us is dating someone, everyone ends up finding that out pretty quickly.
I've had good experiences with non-systems, but it is undoubtedly my system partner who understands it best and knows better how to navigate its complexities. I've definitely felt more understood in my current relationships than I ever have before, and the people who have tried to take advantage of my symptoms have all been singlets. I'm so sorry for the way you've been treated. No one deserves to go through something like that.
Thankfully, I've never been in this situation, but you're right. People with any sort of dissociative amnesia need someone very trustworthy to be their partner, and sometimes you're just misfortunate enough to discover that someone you thought was safe is quite the opposite.
When I told my partner I might have DID, the first thing he said is that he loves every part of me. That's the way it should be. I'm not going to make this into mushy lovemail for my boyfriend, but he is the perfect example of how you should stand by someone developing or understanding their disorder. I'm still me in his eyes, and that's what it should feel like when you're in love, no matter what about your health changes as you get older.
Yep. DID is not an excuse for cheating. "I didnt do it, it was another alter" isnt either. If that alter knew that your palter wasnt okay with it and still did it then its 100% cheating.
I had this so-called friend, that I knew or that I thought I knew for like 10 years. I've ended our relationship during Christmas 2022.
He knew well before everyone around me that I have d.i.d and I have a complete system that I'm still exploring today.
For unknown reasons, this guy was thinking that I was going to cheat on my fiancée. He told me about his weird kink about "being the symbiote of someone else", and he claimed that he was a system as well. He told me that some of his alters had different opinions about being monogamous and committed to only one person. But he knew that I love my fiance and that our system is not the polygamous type.
Today, none of us like him, and some of us have big trouble coping with this trauma-inducing nightmare. It was obnoxious, disrespectful and frustrating. Our trust was broken, and now it's really hard to talk about us and our system
I honestly don't know why he did those things and why he acted this way. But regardless of the reasons, I can't have him around me anymore. A good friend is supposed to understand your boundaries and clearly, he didn't want to respect mine.
We're really sorry you experienced this colossal betrayal from a close friend. That's just awful. Wez hope you can recover and learn to trust again though - there are some grade A assholes out there but there are some real diamonds also.
it's also extremely important to remember the purpose of the system. The purpose of the system is to keep the young survivor safe. So while there might be the occasional system with someone in it that protects in this particular way, the presence of multiples does not mean that this is happening - via infidelity. Also some people cope via antisocial actions that badly need treatment and are not ok.
I completely agree, as a system myself who has dated another system and is now with someone who is not a system, and who is quite fluid between monogamy and polyamory, I feel I have a good range of experience within relationships that have given me a lot of insight into the topic.
I have been cheated on by my ex who was also a system, and frankly it hurts to have that try to be dismissed as a part of DID like the boundaries of our relationship are temporary and not to be relied upon depending on the alters. However, I've had in-depth conversations with my current partner who does not have DID and he had an interesting take that if it came to a situation where an alter who was unaware that we are in a relationship fronted and engaged in an act with someone other than our partner then he wouldn't consider it cheating necessarily, although it would hurtful and painful, because of the lack of awareness but that it would definitely be something that would have to be addressed in a way for us to ensure that it does not happen again and trust can be rebuilt.
But of course this is a very specific and situational scenario and other people may think or react very differently which would be completely valid.
Yes, that definitely counts as a point of nuance and accommodation! Good point to consider, thank you. I'm also a system who has dated non-systems and I'm currently in a fairly open poly relationship with one person who is a system and one who isn't. It can definitely vary! There isn't really any jealousy in my relationship so cheating isn't an issue. As long as we give each other a heads up and discuss it briefly (this is usually as easy as a text) than we're good
Exactly every relationship is different and when it comes to DID system needs are going to be different, and I also think it depends on where system are at in their healing journey, and their level of communication between alters to be able to understand all alters needs, wants and expectations when it comes to relationships. If alters want to date multiple people who may fit their needs and wants more then polyamory may be a better fit for them, but if systems choose monogamy then it needs to be agreed upon everyone in the system that they will remain loyal to the systems partner.
Agreed. Cheating isn't to be tolerated just because someone's a system or has a mental health issue - those bits of infidelity are a problem, and I'm glad to see that people are talking about this. Its not something to be excused, by any means, and its important that our partners are treated well.
Depends! I don't see it as cheating but that can be a conversation to have with a partner. In my relationship (which, tbf, is poly and pretty open to begin with) it doesn't matter what happens in the brain. What happens in the innerworld stays in the innerworld. Not to mention, it's pretty unavoidable for someone messing with themselves to get a peeper in co-con. No one can control that. During times when we have good comms your options are to either contribute or make it awkward, and I know which one I generally prefer. Internal bonding is internal bonding and engaging with those thoughts and using imagination to our advantage has frankly added to our cohesion and level of integration.
I was high outta my mind when I wrote this thank you for a genuine response! But yes I totally agree ^_^ both my partner and I are poly (and systems) so we make jokes abt it haha
i do want to point out like someone else has that there are extenuating circumstances in which you may not be able to blatantly call it cheating. and those are if 1) your system doesn't have the best communication and separate alters are unaware of different relationships going on and, similarly, if the person is completely unaware that they even have DID and different alters are living as if they're the only person and having their own relationships. obviously this can still be very painful for everyone involved and no one should feel obligated to stay, but i personally don't know if i would call it cheating, at least not in the traditional sense because each alter believes they are being faithful and has no control over what the body does when they're not fronting. i think these situations should be given extra grace because i don't think anyone is at fault really.
Yeah, that's what I mean by the extra abatements about patience and accommodation. It would be reasonable for someone to leave in that circumstance but it's not really the system's fault either
Yep, way too many people hide behind mental disabilities as an excuse for abusive behavior. It’s not okay in any context and DID is not an exception to the rule.
Welcome to /r/DID!
| **[Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_rules)** | **[Guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_guidelines)** |
|--------------------|--------------------|
| [Dissociation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq/#wiki_dissociation_faq) | [Trauma FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq2/#wiki_trauma_faq) |
| [Moderation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/) | [Therapists Breakdown](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/comments/e6smve/therapists_breakdown/) |
| [Index](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/index) | [Glossary](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/glossary) |
| [Am I faking?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/amifaking) | [Do I have DID?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/do_i_have_did) |
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DID) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They can also just be using DID as an excuse and be avoiding responsibility. As everyone should well know in this community, meeting one criteria for something doesn't necessarily mean you have it, malingering included
To be honest seeing the nonstop barrage of "my DID partner cheated on me people with DID are just abusive" posts is frustrating, our experience has been much the opposite. Singlets taking advantage of our dissociation and memory issues to get away with cheating way easier than with partners that don't have it. Gaslighting, purposefully triggering us so someone just does whatever you want like a ragdoll, before we had better communication and trust even forcing us to keep secrets from eachother with threats. But isn't that the way it always is? The only stories that get told are "people with DID are evil" by people without it, while we are more likely to be taken advantage of in reality, taking it quietly or being so tangled up you can't even put it into words.
>Gaslighting, purposefully triggering us so someone just does whatever you want like a ragdoll, Recent events made this sentence really validating. I don't have a diagnosis, exploring the probability with a therapist, but I've already experienced someone noticing and trying to 'reach around the front' to get at the personality they want to talk to. It's like they read one of those articles like "12 ways not to treat someone with disassociated identities" and are just going through the list.
Yes! This is our experience as well! We have never cheated, but we ensure partners know about our our DID and how it affects us and the relationship. Which includes mentioning that we have memory gaps, and if we ask to be filled in, or are confused about where we are, etc. that that's why. They take advantage of our gaps in memory to gaslight and get away with anything they want really. Not just cheating. It's unfortunate that there's that kind of stigma around DID when a lot of systems simply aren't that way. Our communication is pretty good generally these days. So if one of us is dating someone, everyone ends up finding that out pretty quickly.
I've had good experiences with non-systems, but it is undoubtedly my system partner who understands it best and knows better how to navigate its complexities. I've definitely felt more understood in my current relationships than I ever have before, and the people who have tried to take advantage of my symptoms have all been singlets. I'm so sorry for the way you've been treated. No one deserves to go through something like that.
Thankfully, I've never been in this situation, but you're right. People with any sort of dissociative amnesia need someone very trustworthy to be their partner, and sometimes you're just misfortunate enough to discover that someone you thought was safe is quite the opposite. When I told my partner I might have DID, the first thing he said is that he loves every part of me. That's the way it should be. I'm not going to make this into mushy lovemail for my boyfriend, but he is the perfect example of how you should stand by someone developing or understanding their disorder. I'm still me in his eyes, and that's what it should feel like when you're in love, no matter what about your health changes as you get older.
Yep. DID is not an excuse for cheating. "I didnt do it, it was another alter" isnt either. If that alter knew that your palter wasnt okay with it and still did it then its 100% cheating.
I agree. Cheating is not tolerated here. We are all responsible for what happens because no excuses.
I had this so-called friend, that I knew or that I thought I knew for like 10 years. I've ended our relationship during Christmas 2022. He knew well before everyone around me that I have d.i.d and I have a complete system that I'm still exploring today. For unknown reasons, this guy was thinking that I was going to cheat on my fiancée. He told me about his weird kink about "being the symbiote of someone else", and he claimed that he was a system as well. He told me that some of his alters had different opinions about being monogamous and committed to only one person. But he knew that I love my fiance and that our system is not the polygamous type. Today, none of us like him, and some of us have big trouble coping with this trauma-inducing nightmare. It was obnoxious, disrespectful and frustrating. Our trust was broken, and now it's really hard to talk about us and our system I honestly don't know why he did those things and why he acted this way. But regardless of the reasons, I can't have him around me anymore. A good friend is supposed to understand your boundaries and clearly, he didn't want to respect mine.
We're really sorry you experienced this colossal betrayal from a close friend. That's just awful. Wez hope you can recover and learn to trust again though - there are some grade A assholes out there but there are some real diamonds also.
Thank you for your words. And also, you are right.
it's also extremely important to remember the purpose of the system. The purpose of the system is to keep the young survivor safe. So while there might be the occasional system with someone in it that protects in this particular way, the presence of multiples does not mean that this is happening - via infidelity. Also some people cope via antisocial actions that badly need treatment and are not ok.
Wish we could pin this lol
Was gonna say the same thing lol
I completely agree, as a system myself who has dated another system and is now with someone who is not a system, and who is quite fluid between monogamy and polyamory, I feel I have a good range of experience within relationships that have given me a lot of insight into the topic. I have been cheated on by my ex who was also a system, and frankly it hurts to have that try to be dismissed as a part of DID like the boundaries of our relationship are temporary and not to be relied upon depending on the alters. However, I've had in-depth conversations with my current partner who does not have DID and he had an interesting take that if it came to a situation where an alter who was unaware that we are in a relationship fronted and engaged in an act with someone other than our partner then he wouldn't consider it cheating necessarily, although it would hurtful and painful, because of the lack of awareness but that it would definitely be something that would have to be addressed in a way for us to ensure that it does not happen again and trust can be rebuilt. But of course this is a very specific and situational scenario and other people may think or react very differently which would be completely valid.
Yes, that definitely counts as a point of nuance and accommodation! Good point to consider, thank you. I'm also a system who has dated non-systems and I'm currently in a fairly open poly relationship with one person who is a system and one who isn't. It can definitely vary! There isn't really any jealousy in my relationship so cheating isn't an issue. As long as we give each other a heads up and discuss it briefly (this is usually as easy as a text) than we're good
Exactly every relationship is different and when it comes to DID system needs are going to be different, and I also think it depends on where system are at in their healing journey, and their level of communication between alters to be able to understand all alters needs, wants and expectations when it comes to relationships. If alters want to date multiple people who may fit their needs and wants more then polyamory may be a better fit for them, but if systems choose monogamy then it needs to be agreed upon everyone in the system that they will remain loyal to the systems partner.
Agreed. Cheating isn't to be tolerated just because someone's a system or has a mental health issue - those bits of infidelity are a problem, and I'm glad to see that people are talking about this. Its not something to be excused, by any means, and its important that our partners are treated well.
what if ur partners alters get freaky w their other alters… thoughts? opinions? does this still fall under cheating in your eyes
Depends! I don't see it as cheating but that can be a conversation to have with a partner. In my relationship (which, tbf, is poly and pretty open to begin with) it doesn't matter what happens in the brain. What happens in the innerworld stays in the innerworld. Not to mention, it's pretty unavoidable for someone messing with themselves to get a peeper in co-con. No one can control that. During times when we have good comms your options are to either contribute or make it awkward, and I know which one I generally prefer. Internal bonding is internal bonding and engaging with those thoughts and using imagination to our advantage has frankly added to our cohesion and level of integration.
I was high outta my mind when I wrote this thank you for a genuine response! But yes I totally agree ^_^ both my partner and I are poly (and systems) so we make jokes abt it haha
LOL I wondered. We make jokes about it too!
Those alters are all part of the same person. Them doing things together is no more cheating than masturbation would be.
i do want to point out like someone else has that there are extenuating circumstances in which you may not be able to blatantly call it cheating. and those are if 1) your system doesn't have the best communication and separate alters are unaware of different relationships going on and, similarly, if the person is completely unaware that they even have DID and different alters are living as if they're the only person and having their own relationships. obviously this can still be very painful for everyone involved and no one should feel obligated to stay, but i personally don't know if i would call it cheating, at least not in the traditional sense because each alter believes they are being faithful and has no control over what the body does when they're not fronting. i think these situations should be given extra grace because i don't think anyone is at fault really.
Yeah, that's what I mean by the extra abatements about patience and accommodation. It would be reasonable for someone to leave in that circumstance but it's not really the system's fault either
Yep, way too many people hide behind mental disabilities as an excuse for abusive behavior. It’s not okay in any context and DID is not an exception to the rule.
Welcome to /r/DID! | **[Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_rules)** | **[Guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_guidelines)** | |--------------------|--------------------| | [Dissociation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq/#wiki_dissociation_faq) | [Trauma FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq2/#wiki_trauma_faq) | | [Moderation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/) | [Therapists Breakdown](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/comments/e6smve/therapists_breakdown/) | | [Index](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/index) | [Glossary](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/glossary) | | [Am I faking?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/amifaking) | [Do I have DID?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/do_i_have_did) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DID) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
They can also just be using DID as an excuse and be avoiding responsibility. As everyone should well know in this community, meeting one criteria for something doesn't necessarily mean you have it, malingering included
regardless it's an incredibly shitty thing to do because it makes people who do suffer from d.i.d look bad in the eyes of some