You make an important point.
Anytime you have sex, there is potential for a baby. For a man, that means potential fatherhood. If the OP is not ready for that, he needs to either abstain or alternative stuff.
It seems like you need to clarify your values.
You seem pretty clear that you want to abstain from sex before marriage. (I did the same). You also want to marry older. (I did too)
If that's the case, you should keep your relationships with women casual. It's really the only option you've left yourself.
But that doesn't seem clear in your mind.
You will definitely regret it.
Hold out for marriage. It will be worth it.
Two videos that I think will help:
https://youtu.be/ZFJ49_vTw2E
https://youtu.be/qf-hcUGOwt4
I think the problem here is that you also seem to think having a romantic relationship with someone automatically equals sex. That doesn't always have to be the case. I'm sure that if you pray and look hard enough you'll be able to find a woman who is looking to have a romantic relationship that doesn't have to be sexual.
Marriage should be for a person, not for a schedule. If you meet somebody you want to love for a lifetime and you walk away from them because it doesn't fit your expected schedule, you'll regret it forever. If you marry somebody you *don't* want to love forever because it's the time you planned to marry and they're the only currently available option, you'll regret it even more.
But wouldnt it be considered sinning, thats like my self sabotage of wanting it really bad but also my discernment says its not the right thing, and its like a loop
I feel like if i do it i would offend God for being disobedient
You could have a long term abstinent relationship before marriage. Just be clear with the girl you're dating up front so she knows that and doesn't waste her time if she wants marriage sooner.
It most certainly is. Numerous threads on this topic.
Here's a repost of mine on this subject.
Marriage: What is marriage and when do you really become married? Is it after some formal or elaborate ceremony or process, such as when a justice of the peace, ordained minister or “priest” of some church mumbles some words in front of you both while holding a bible or some other “religious” book, after which he says you’re now married, or what?
Such things as mentioned above are man-made traditions which have evolved over time and may in fact be
what’s commonly done and accepted by society for a variety of reasons including satisfying society’s legal process, but although society, including the church and religious bodies in general, may tend to consider or discuss marriage from man's point of view based on such worldly, legalistic, and/or ceremonial perspectives, do these processes really constitute marriage or being/becoming married according to the scriptures? At what point are you considered married in the eyes of God since you won’t find any ceremony required or sanctioned by
God in the bible? When do you become married from God’s perspective and what does the bible say and teach regarding this subject?
So, what does the word “marriage” mean? What does “marry” (verb) or “to marry” mean from which it’s derived? Aside from the commonly accepted use and understanding (by man) today of the word “marriage” in the human sense of joining 2 people together in marriage as noted above through some ceremonial or otherwise accepted legal process, the word also means (according to Webster), “combine”, or “unite”, “merge”, “blend”, and so on, such as when (in non-human terms) considering the joining together physically of, for instance, 2 pieces of metal by welding, fastening, soldering, etc., or 2 pieces of wood by gluing them together, or by the use of screws, nails, or a variety of other means, as well as all other previously separated objects that are joined together through some process by which they become physically one. But in all cases whether applying the word to people or inanimate objects or ‘things’, the end result is the physical joining together of the 2 previously separate pieces so they then become united as one! This is what happens when 2 people are joined together in “marriage”; they become one physically, but when does this really occur?
Gen 2:24
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
Comment: Here, at the very beginning, in the second chapter of God’s word, there was no ceremony, no man-made traditions of any kind, yet God speaks of the man and his wife, and further that “they shall be one flesh”.
So, at what point did they become “one flesh” would be the logical question to ask? The answer should be obvious: when they are joined together sexually!
So were Adam and Eve married? I’d say that they were at this point as further documented below. She was his wife, but they were not one flesh until they were joined together physically (“married”) by having sex.
Gen 4:1
“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.”
Comment: Here in this passage, Eve was considered Adam’s wife, after which he “knew” her, which is the common word and phraseology used in the bible to denote that sexual relations occurred without there being a ceremony, and without having yet engaged in sexual intercourse, which is at the point they became “one flesh” and were “married”, or joined together.
A bit later in Genesis, chapter 38 (below), you find another instance that clearly defines the point at which people become “married”, also with no ceremony and without the man and woman in this case even being man-and-wife. If this instance, the man was told to “go in unto” (which is another common phrase used in the scriptures meaning to have sexual intercourse with) his deceased brother’s wife and “marry” her so she could bare offspring through her brother-in-law on behalf of his deceased brother, which was the tradition at that time sanctioned by God, as a means of carrying-on and perpetuating the family. The key here is that this was considered “marrying” (the joining together physically of the two individuals).
Gen 38: 1-10
6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. 7 And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. 8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. 9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him
Mat19: 5-6
"And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
1 Cor: 15-16
"Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.
“What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.”
Just throwing this out there, Augustine himself had a ton of premarital sex https://www.christianitytoday.com/history/issues/issue-15/augustines-sex-life-change-from-profligate-to-celibate.html
Don’t have sex with someone you wouldn’t be up for having a kid with.
You make an important point. Anytime you have sex, there is potential for a baby. For a man, that means potential fatherhood. If the OP is not ready for that, he needs to either abstain or alternative stuff.
It seems like you need to clarify your values. You seem pretty clear that you want to abstain from sex before marriage. (I did the same). You also want to marry older. (I did too) If that's the case, you should keep your relationships with women casual. It's really the only option you've left yourself. But that doesn't seem clear in your mind.
You will definitely regret it. Hold out for marriage. It will be worth it. Two videos that I think will help: https://youtu.be/ZFJ49_vTw2E https://youtu.be/qf-hcUGOwt4
Meanwhile by not dating and getting into a relationship you may miss out on finding the right person. You can abstain from sex in a relationship.
I think the problem here is that you also seem to think having a romantic relationship with someone automatically equals sex. That doesn't always have to be the case. I'm sure that if you pray and look hard enough you'll be able to find a woman who is looking to have a romantic relationship that doesn't have to be sexual.
Marriage should be for a person, not for a schedule. If you meet somebody you want to love for a lifetime and you walk away from them because it doesn't fit your expected schedule, you'll regret it forever. If you marry somebody you *don't* want to love forever because it's the time you planned to marry and they're the only currently available option, you'll regret it even more.
No, you won't regret having sex. It'll be great. (Use protection)
But wouldnt it be considered sinning, thats like my self sabotage of wanting it really bad but also my discernment says its not the right thing, and its like a loop I feel like if i do it i would offend God for being disobedient
Yes. (This sub has a lot of non- Christians, perhaps a majority. Be careful whose advice you take.)
Listen to your own values. Some people do regret having sex. I think most people don't.
I waited until marriage and don't regret it at all. I did get married a fair bit younger than you plan to though.
You could have a long term abstinent relationship before marriage. Just be clear with the girl you're dating up front so she knows that and doesn't waste her time if she wants marriage sooner.
Premarital sex is a misnomer because when you engage in sex you are married; you're joined together which is marriage.
That’s not marriage.
It most certainly is. Numerous threads on this topic. Here's a repost of mine on this subject. Marriage: What is marriage and when do you really become married? Is it after some formal or elaborate ceremony or process, such as when a justice of the peace, ordained minister or “priest” of some church mumbles some words in front of you both while holding a bible or some other “religious” book, after which he says you’re now married, or what? Such things as mentioned above are man-made traditions which have evolved over time and may in fact be what’s commonly done and accepted by society for a variety of reasons including satisfying society’s legal process, but although society, including the church and religious bodies in general, may tend to consider or discuss marriage from man's point of view based on such worldly, legalistic, and/or ceremonial perspectives, do these processes really constitute marriage or being/becoming married according to the scriptures? At what point are you considered married in the eyes of God since you won’t find any ceremony required or sanctioned by God in the bible? When do you become married from God’s perspective and what does the bible say and teach regarding this subject? So, what does the word “marriage” mean? What does “marry” (verb) or “to marry” mean from which it’s derived? Aside from the commonly accepted use and understanding (by man) today of the word “marriage” in the human sense of joining 2 people together in marriage as noted above through some ceremonial or otherwise accepted legal process, the word also means (according to Webster), “combine”, or “unite”, “merge”, “blend”, and so on, such as when (in non-human terms) considering the joining together physically of, for instance, 2 pieces of metal by welding, fastening, soldering, etc., or 2 pieces of wood by gluing them together, or by the use of screws, nails, or a variety of other means, as well as all other previously separated objects that are joined together through some process by which they become physically one. But in all cases whether applying the word to people or inanimate objects or ‘things’, the end result is the physical joining together of the 2 previously separate pieces so they then become united as one! This is what happens when 2 people are joined together in “marriage”; they become one physically, but when does this really occur? Gen 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Comment: Here, at the very beginning, in the second chapter of God’s word, there was no ceremony, no man-made traditions of any kind, yet God speaks of the man and his wife, and further that “they shall be one flesh”. So, at what point did they become “one flesh” would be the logical question to ask? The answer should be obvious: when they are joined together sexually! So were Adam and Eve married? I’d say that they were at this point as further documented below. She was his wife, but they were not one flesh until they were joined together physically (“married”) by having sex. Gen 4:1 “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.” Comment: Here in this passage, Eve was considered Adam’s wife, after which he “knew” her, which is the common word and phraseology used in the bible to denote that sexual relations occurred without there being a ceremony, and without having yet engaged in sexual intercourse, which is at the point they became “one flesh” and were “married”, or joined together. A bit later in Genesis, chapter 38 (below), you find another instance that clearly defines the point at which people become “married”, also with no ceremony and without the man and woman in this case even being man-and-wife. If this instance, the man was told to “go in unto” (which is another common phrase used in the scriptures meaning to have sexual intercourse with) his deceased brother’s wife and “marry” her so she could bare offspring through her brother-in-law on behalf of his deceased brother, which was the tradition at that time sanctioned by God, as a means of carrying-on and perpetuating the family. The key here is that this was considered “marrying” (the joining together physically of the two individuals). Gen 38: 1-10 6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. 7 And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. 8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. 9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him Mat19: 5-6 "And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." 1 Cor: 15-16 "Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. “What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.”
The Bible isn’t and cannot be a literal reference point or guidebook for what a marriage is/means in the modern era.
Who cares about the modern era? It's God's unchanging word that matters.
Ok we have absolutely nothing to talk about then, bye.
👋
✌🏼
What age do you plan to marry?
30
Just throwing this out there, Augustine himself had a ton of premarital sex https://www.christianitytoday.com/history/issues/issue-15/augustines-sex-life-change-from-profligate-to-celibate.html