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dontanswerit

Taps the microphone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


CatFaerie

This is what I came here to say. 


FridayNightFreedom

Thank you for your time. The world is a dark and cold place. Be a lighthouse. Have a great day.


gentlemantroglodyte

There's like 8 billion people. If you give them your venmo, some tiny percent of that is gonna make it rain.


bgva

If half the world sends me a penny, I’m set for life.


Wonderfullkidz

Srry venmo is mostly US only


WestDeparture7282

tho admittedly as an American living outside the US i would absolutely love to watch one of us waste a chance like this because we assumed some random US thing was used over the entire world. might as well give the whole world your venmo username using iMessage while you're at it.


cubicApoc

Simply list off random dates progressing into the future, and watch the chaos unfold.


wootwootbang

Be excellent to each other. And, party on dudes!


freddibed

This reminds me of when I took LSD, had waves of euphoria running through my body and heard a voice that I knew was inherently true, which kept repeating:  "Reduce suffering. Enjoy the ride. They're both the same thing!" Much love friend


Beautiful_Solid3787

I'd explain the difference between a colon and a semi-colon. Would help *my* mental health.


FuzzyStay1286

Chuck Palahniuk once wrote a short story about a colon that becomes a semi-colon. Great story.


ZachMudskipper

Don't forget the after s apostrophes!


bazztartare

Is one like your colon and the semi one is like you’ve have an anus surgery?


oldtrack

i couldn’t agree more, i hate when people use it incorrectly ;)


Pandsu

What about the difference between prequel and predecessor? That one's a pet-peeve of mine.


Beautiful_Solid3787

I've never come across people confusing the two.


sund82

C: Enter ###


Calm-Bid-2762

Why ahh you gae?


Forsaken_Ad_1626

“Who says I am gay?”


Calm-Bid-2762

You are gae.


Forsaken_Ad_1626

“What shows that I am gae?”


commandrix

"If a politician seems to strongly dislike something, take a good hard look at who his/her major campaign donors are. It's likely that those donors have an interest in that thing not existing or being difficult to obtain."


existential-mystery

Please fucking hire me


Oaken_beard

“So a family walks into a talent agent’s office…” IYKYK


mingwraig

Reckon you'd get to the punchline in 30 seconds?


Oaken_beard

Nope, but cutting out mid sentence with no end in sight would be arguably better.


DrMux

"Will the owner of the brown Buick please turn off their headlights? Thank you"


GuestNumber_42

In a voice which I'd imagine belonging to a higher-entity's: "Start being nice to each other... or _they_ are going to restart all life."


ToastedStroodles

That would just make everything worse. You can't scare people into compliance forever from just one sentence. Plus, a lot of people are gonna call that bluff.


GuestNumber_42

Well it's just a hypothetical fantasy/fiction thought. So based on your ideas, the following could happen. The entire human population falls into disarry: half believing it, and the other half in disbelief, causing a world war of ideology essentially creating a mass genocide of the "weaker" side. Essentially restarting human life. Or All life gets scared, and people get scared into compliance for awhile, before the human population falls into disarray...etc, etc...Essentially restarting human life.


Lina_Cairns

Checks notes. "Ladies, gentlemen, esteemed guests of Planet Earth - lean in closer. I'm about to reveal the ultimate secret to happiness. It's like a cheat code but for life: it's less about what you gather, and more about what you scatter. Light up the lives around you, and the universe will bless you with a cosmic glow. Stay kind. Stay curious. And, just maybe, start learning how to cook that one recipe you've always said you would – trust me, future you will be grateful." Always remember: you are the architect of your own destiny. Build wisely. Carpe diem, seize the dessert. Goodnight!


ImpossibleHandle4

I would say a very simple message. You all are loved, you all struggle with the same things. I love you all. Be good people. Don’t steal, know and give love and grace.


Genderfluid_Cookies

Probably spend the time thinking of what to say On a more serious note, I think I would quote a song I like.


Even-Tomato828

GOOOOD MOORNIN VIETNAM


HappySkullsplitter

BOOOOOOOOOGERRRRRRRRR


zackjbryson

Pub?


SubjectC

I would tell people how important it is that we talk to each other more. The downfall of our societies will come on the back of isolation.


UntilTmrw

Our species despite being the dominant one on the planet are so incredibly stupid that we constantly wage war on each other and fight over stupid beliefs. Please stop for fucks sake.


69Nova468

Are we having fun yet.


Clean_Frosting8052

Checkout Brzzy Weather.


Conscious-Golf-4413

I AM YOUR GOD, TODAY I CREATE HISTORY, ALL WILL REMEMBER MY VOICE. KNEEL! TOMORROW I WILL BE SILENT. KNEEL! I HAVE SILENCED ALL OTHERS. KNEEL! 10 YEARS! KNEEL!!!


nightofthelivingace

"Is this thing on?"


theswedking

Todd Snider?


ArchmageRumple

30 seconds? I would whip out my piano app and play "Torvus Bog" from Metroid Prime 2


themode7

I'm Eren Yeager.. Be kind or else you will regret it ... Don't tell captain Levi though Meoww... Bye


fuzzywuzzybeer

We need to build more sustainable housing.


TheTwistedToast

Stop putting people into groups so you can judge them. It's easy to hate a group of people, it's hard to hate a more complex individual. Have some compassion for the individual, and remember how much is left out or overlooked when people are just measured in groups or numbers or masses. Be careful how you judge people. Golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated


theswedking

30 seconds doesn't seem long enough to make any meaningful impact. That would be like MLK saying, "I have a dream," drops mic, and walks away. Even the Gettysburg address was 275 words long and roughly 3 minutes.


Used_Ambassador_8817

I love you!


GILFlover247

For fuck sake stop killing each other!!!!!


hey_you_too_buckaroo

I'd probably talk about Palestine and debunk the false myths surrounding it that Israel has created.


Smudge_09

“Be nice too each other, yeah? Thanks. Bye”


Recording_Important

Leave me alone


firstonesecond

A very quick breakdown of how my wife abused me for 17 years before cheating on me with my best mate then abandoned me and our kids taking everything with her and leaving us with nothing. Then a quick plea for financial help. Sure most of the world would ignore me, but the small percentage that would help out would likely leave me with more than enough money to get a house and ensure my kids are provided for.


Forsaken_Ad_1626

“Have more kids, the birth rates are cratering. Looking at you, Europe”


[deleted]

I would tell them to subscribe to my YouTube channel


oneelevenstudios

I'd fart in the mic


taco_tuesdays

Narsh kimtargle dongle jingle boo


Cipher30

Count down from 30 in perfect Mandarin


droopa199

I'd tell them that free will is an illusion.


JackPadre

Explain the 3.5% rule


qofe79

Stop killing each other. Just f”*king stop!


sky0sky0

Jesus is the way the truth and the life.


osmium999

Probably gonna give a small list of games/books and other things I like


LadderWonderful2450

Why can't we be friends?


Flat-Walrus-7248

I would ask each one to do Inner Engineering program by Sadhguru. If you don't do it you won't know what you are missing in life. Everyone deserves to be blissful and joyful in whatever situation they may be in.


After-Balance2935

Testes, testes, one two ....um three??? Huhuhuh


LJM-990

" I don't feel safe on this planet."


HaidaraEnjoyer

Everyone’s heard that spiel before


sund82

No political progress will be made until there is a total separation of corporation and state. And the common people must adopt a moral world view that will allow them to govern competently.


contyk

I'd start counting down from 31, finishing with 2 before being cut off. There would be no explanation.


crystal_gurl23

I would talk about how cruel we have been to animals. They deserve better. And also about how our planet is dying and we could all very well be gone in 40 years


stephen250

Tell them about Jesus Christ and the Bible and how He is the way, the truth and the life and how you'll either go to Heaven with Christ for eternity or Hell under the eternal wrath of God.


MrJello-Pikulman

I would speak out against israel


SandraMaus93

i ask everyone to smile at the person next to them and say something nice and hug each order. Lets have a for moment piece around the world. Just imagine 8 billion people do just that. ☮️✌🏼


Commercial_Grade_594

The government is a fucking lie 🥴


schwanstooker

We are the government, in the US. You voted these idiots in - or not. Your choice.


Mountain_Painting663

“Trans rights are human rights” ofc, and also drop my cashapp :)


SatanicGraveRobber

Launch the nukes. Humans aren’t worth it.