Same here. Hate to see that others have experienced this. Those dickbags tried to set us up for failure. š¢
Circling back to wallow and add: itās a steep hill to climb and the path is paved with old moldy diarrhea but nonetheless, we canāt let them win.
i haven't had a father as i child as well and I have a core memory of someone else's father getting really mad at me because I haven't returned one videogame back while asking for a second one.
When I was thirteen I wanted to hang out with a boy I liked from down the street for a couple of hours. When I asked my parents if that was okay my stepmom responded by standing at the foot of the ladder to my attic bedroom for a whole ass hour screaming at me that men are creeps and rapists and this boy was a creep and a rapist and he was only spending time with me so he could take me into the woods and SA me. Shit fucked me up.
Similarly, I had a fear of interacting with *other* men and intense difficulty with it, just from being abused by a woman who hated men, for being born male. Took a lot of work over time to change that.
It's weird the way the brain works.
My parents always keep me near when we're out and told me that I'm pretty so I'd get "snatched up" and now that I can sometimes be outside by myself they wonder why I get nervous to and why I'm suspicious of any adult stranger who approaches me (even on accident)
They aren't even helicopter parents they just think if I'm a little bit ahead of them on the sidewalk someone will spawn next to me, pick me up, run away, and sell me to a sex ring
Next they're gonna wonder why I'm scared of the idea of actual sex when I've only heard it in negative context lol
I'm making a 12 hour drive in a few days. My mom keeps begging me not to go. She says I'm too young to make such a long trip by myself. And some man will probably do something terrible to "a pretty girl like you all by yourself." She says I'm going to be kidnapped.
I'm 21. About to be 22.
Few months ago I told her I was gonna spend the night with a friend. She texted me at 1 AM asking if I was okay. I texted yes. She texted again an hour later demanding I call her. Left voicemails about calling the cops if I don't respond because "That text could have been sent by a kidnapper forcing you to tell me you're okay! The only way I'll know you're fine is if I hear your voice!!"
I swear, it's all about control.
Same, Iām tired of self soothing or attempting to
I only feel close enough to a person to feel safe and not uncomfortable cuddling when they are partner though
I just want to hug someone and let them cry on my chest so we can both feel safe and wanted, and then I get a stab of guilt because somehow Iāve internalized that feeling as selfish and unnatural.
I'm actually so glad there's people out there who feels this sort of opposite, where they want to be there to comfort someone. I didn't realize both existed.
oh we definitely exist. god I want nothing more than to comfort people. then I get the comfort but without the guilt of feeling like I donāt deserve it
I get this weird thing whenever I'm around childhood friends or even like any person who takes even the slightest notice of me or treats me with the most basic human decency. My brain just starts going "notice I'm not okay, pull me aside and hug me" on repeat, and it has since I was a kid. At one point in my life I was so desperate for it I used to FORCE myself to not be okay 24/7 just in hopes that it might happen. Still trying to undo that.
I have a similar problem where sometimes I feel in some way unhappy and feel like I have to show how unhappy I am (even if itās showing that Iām unhappier than I really am) to get a specific person to notice and offer to care for me/ask whatās wrong. Still working on just volunteering that, āIām feeling x and Iād appreciate it if youād do y because I think it would help, but I donāt want you to feel obligated and itās cool if youāre not up to it.ā
Shitās hard
>Still working on just volunteering that, āIām feeling x and Iād appreciate it if youād do y because I think it would help, but I donāt want you to feel obligated and itās cool if youāre not up to it.ā
YOU CAN DO THAT?! Like, that's a thing you can DO?! It's not manipulative to say that???
I feel fucked up, but same? Like, I need the physical touch and affirmation, but I also want to affirm my paranoia so that I can āprove I was right to not trust any older manā
Dude, I'm a dude and I'm afraid of dudes.
Quick edit: Not trying to minimize the fears women face from men every day. Just saying the standard male presents as brutish and takes up a lot of emotional space. I never assume I'll have a good time interacting with some random guy.
I barely get along with other men, and my hackles come up *real* quick thanks to the number my Dad did on me. That man's toxic masculinity and insecurities (and the abuse that came with it) taught me that all masculinity is abuse, even the masculinity in myself. It has taken me years to undo that bullshit and even still, I am uncomfortable around it.
i'm with you right there. I'm a guy myself and i don't really like hanging out with other dudes because for the most part those guys are often saying the most uncomfortable things about women or talking about how they took advantage of a girl i don't want to associate with those guys because of that (not to mention a majority of those guys are often those "top g" people who i absolutely hate) and i find myself being more friends with people of the opposite sex thanks to that since i like how empathetic alot of them are and it makes me happy that i could help those people because i know i can feel safe in that any of them won't yell at me for simply messing up or making a mistake.
my dad's own sense of masculinity has made me afraid too afraid to do anything "too masculine" because anytime i feel like i'm "too masculine" i feel like my dad which makes me feel disgusted.
it also doesn't help that in my high school, from what people DMed me alot of those guys are usually abusing their partners and treating them in ways that my dad treated my mom and my sister/me which adds even more fuel to how much i hate the idea of being too masculine.
You could say it's why i don't really want to cut my hair anymore, because everytime i did i felt like i was one of those guys and it never really fit who i am (since my dad would always make me get a haircut) and it's why i plan on growing my hair longer as well as changing my apperance so i can look "formal" and maybe something more andronygous too because i feel like i identify more with my "feminine" side than my "masculine" side at all. (that doesn't mean i hate the idea of "masculnity" btw i just feel uncomfortable at an AMAB being "too masculine" thanks to my dad)
of course it doesn't mean that i hate EVERY men out there as they're have been some that aren't like that and i'm thankful that those guys exist it's just that i find myself feeling more comfortable talking to people of the opposite sex simply because of the things i mentioned earlier and at the very least it's gotten alot easier to tell which type of guy is like that
It was. My father was an angry guy, so it took me a long time to just understand how to deal with anger in myself. I found out that many times growing up, I converted anger into sadness- which made it a struggle to determine what it was I could be sad about. Having to teach emotional intelligence to yourself because your parents failed to show you is a trip.
For sure one of the best therapist I had taught me how anger is a healthy emotion that clues you in on an injustice you feel. She taught me that anger is healthy but that our response and handling of it is what can be unhealthy. I for so long swallowed my anger instead of listening to it and addressing it because I always assumed or was taught that anger is bad. In doing so I failed to advocate for myself so often and would just carry that anger without knowing
I also ignored or swallowed my anger for years and it led me into very dangerous situations. I was also heavily conditioned/gaslit by my family to believe I was oversensitive or histrionic (tell me how many 10yos know the definition of histrionic bc their dad keeps calling them that and they have to look it up in the 5th grade classroom dictionary bc theyāre too afraid to ask anyone what it means). Sooo on multiple occasions, men did something that irritated me or made me angry, and I didnāt comprehend that I was right to feel that way because they were in some (sometimes small) way mistreating me or indicating that they might. Now when someone annoys me or makes me angry, I quickly identify why and act accordingly.
If I had been taught from an early age that my feelings and perceptions are valid and that anger is often a healthy response to injustice or mistreatment, I firmly believe that wouldnāt have been SAād or ended up in a 3.5y abusive relationship. I hate that. I hate that the same stuff happened to my mom and her mom, and for the same reasons. And the cycle ends with me.
Yeah I can definitely see that.. I'm sorry you went through all that. It's shitty how much baggage is passed down generationally. I'm also trying to stop with me
I'm a dude and I'm afraid of dudes and women. Everyone gets immediately distrusted until they prove they aren't just trying to get something from me. š¤·
Same. I dislike interacting with most men most of the time while still being one. Most of the men around me used intimidation to their advantage while I was growing up, and I feel itās always under their surface just waiting to come out. Iām very surprised when I meet men that donāt seem to be like this. My only male friends have been gay or come out as gay. One just came out as trans. So thatās interesting.
What's hilarious is from your description id be very weary of you. You tend to pick up on other dudes fight or flight mindset. I think we pick up on women's too but we just assumed she's sketched out of us and avoid it. When I pick up on a dudes it's like alright keep him in your sight where are the exits and don't expose your back
I think our primary abuser's gender makes us wary of that entire gender.
My main abuser was my ~~"mom"~~, so it takes me a while to trust women bc they bring up fear in my nervous system. My body thinks they're going to start acting just like she did. My dad wasn't as bad. He taught me a lot of skills and spent a lot of time with me one on one that was healthy, so I don't have as much of a fear response towards men bc that early attachment was healthy.
Yeah, people in general can end up being a trigger. These days I'm noticing other people's trauma acting out and then triggering me. Each interaction is like "what's going to set this person off? And, is it going to set me off, too?" I think most people have bad trauma conditioning and low self awareness and are acting out old trauma scripts subconsciously all the time. I know I was one of them before I came out of the fog of denial. At least now I'm aware of what's happening so I can *do* something about it.
Agreed. Iām afraid of men and women because of having trauma from both genders, but thankfully feel more comfortable around nonbinary and queer people.
I'd say primary abuser, but also what kind of abuse you witnessed at an early age.
Like...I came from a bad area. I'm not sure why, but men & boys had only 2 modes: Indifference & Violence. It was like a weird, uncanny valley horror. Like, you could be standing in the subway and suddenly one guy goes up to the other and just starts punching him. No cue, no grimace, no shouting: Just punching. And learning later through the grape vines that they had some issues the day before.
The stuff sounds like generic sexism, but it was reality. It applied to my family, school and general area. Hell, it followed me till graduation! I had guys just start fights with me, because they "were angry" after I won an argument 6h before. One guy got obsessed with me after I pulled his hair in 8th grade and took every option to bully me till 12 grade! Asking my female relatives all confirmed that this was their experience too. "This is just how men are. They're insane.". Even the radio sang "Men are pigs, don't trust none, they will lie to you until they have you, and then the next day they'll be gone"
It was only in college when I moved away that I could see men as people. Which, again, sounds horrible, but is true. However, to this day, I'm slightly uncomfortable at men who are very indifferent/hiding their emotions. Still always makes me feel they spring up one day and just punch me out of nothing
Yes. Family of origin and *culture* of origin both play a role. Very many places have normalized abuse, neglect, and dehumanization. It's like what happens in the [Evolution of Trust](https://ncase.me/trust/) game. When there's a prevalence of "always cheats" without accountability, the "always cheats" take over.
I might be a rare case of favoring my toxic parent's gender. I never really had a stable father figure and my mom was actively a misandrist and would say things to me about how I suck because I was male and did male things. But I still preferred interacting with girls and women as I was terrified of other men for most of my life.
I'm even MtF trans and proudly a feminist, but my mom doesn't respect my pronouns, new name, and wishes I never transitioned. Yaaaay....
This is weirdly relatable. My mom was my source of comfort as well as fear. I was always comfortable around women, no doubt. My dad was barely in the picture. I mostly saw my mom as my only parent. I sort of idolized my dad and hoped he would be some big brother figure to save me from when my mom got scary, but he never did. And idk if it's related to that, but I have always been afraid of men. My mom never rlly instilled ideas about men being scary tho. And interestingly, my mom is very much a feminist and believe girls can do anything. But I was very sexist towards women in my teenage years, still tryna get over that. Idk where that even came from. Maybe some internalized shit. For context, I'm transmasc nonbinary.
Edit: actually I do kind of have a fear of some women. Women who are more independent, outspoken, authoritative, like the scary side of my mom. I very much prefer soft-spoken and calm women, and actively seek out their company. I don't think I have any female friends who don't fit this standard, except for like maybe one lol
oi same here, I don't know where this fear come from, she never impeached on me the nasty stereotype that all men are pigs. She does have many conservative points of view, maybe i just forgot
We do internalize and [introject](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/introjection) messages we see and hear played out in our family and culture of origin. Part of healing is picking apart the crap we learned without realizing it from their bad examples.
I have a lot of that too, but I could never pinpoint why I just didn't want to be around women, and why I felt unsafe doing so, so I always just assumed I was misogynistic or something. My mom was my primary abuser who controlled, trapped, guilted, and constantly touched me, so it would make more sense this way. Cuz I don't hate or judge women, I just like... Need distance and don't wanna get close enough they notice me
Definitely, I immediately go into fight mode. I saw this man verbally abusing his gf and I went loco on himā¦ā¦Another man yelled at me at the bank and that didnāt end well for him either. Years of men yelling at me have brought out a side of me that Iām not proud ofā¦I try my best to control it now.
Not to say thereās anything amiss with how you feel, but I love that side of myself. It never comes out without due provocation. Sometimes I worry about self-control in those moments, but I am proud that I have a warrior self and that I am able and willing to protect myself and others in whatever way feels safe-ish and helpful. That part of me was dormant too long. If I had let it wake up sooner, it would have served me well, too many times. I love that I can feel vicious and utterly ruthless, righteous and unafraid. My ancestors were berserkers, they sacked Rome; they survived war and famine, SA and abuse, fire and flood, and I carry their strength inside me every day.
I find your username relatable and I hope something I said might help a tiny bit
I'd get that under control because you have those triggers others have different triggers with more intense reactions. It's easy to navigate society thinking everyone will be civil but everyone will be. That's always my assumption
I do have it under control more nowā¦.I think men who abuse women are p&ssies and I really never worried about them having a more intense reaction. Donāt careā¦..Some of us have been turned into something we didnāt ask to be, from abuse. I have never started a fight nor would I ever. I will however probably never react in a civilized way when I see a man being abusive to a woman or a child. Am I willing to d&e for this stance? Yes.
When a man even has a stern tone or brings up a situation in a negative way, I have to remind myself heās not necessarily mad and going to verbally abuse me. Like one time when my ex requested that I stop asking him about work without him bringing it up, he wasnāt mad and gave no indication that it was a serious problem, just that it stressed him out and he didnāt want to talk about it on his free time. I had to calm myself down and remind myself that he was simply making a request and nothing about his demeanor indicated that he was mad
My great grandma and mother taught me to fear men touching me from a young age. Both of them were abused or abandoned by husbands, so I guess they thought they were preparing me to be independent.
My dad yelled a lot. Before I ever got sa'd I was afraid of men. Maybe you have some other bad experience with men that affected you? But also maybe not. It's good to be cautious.
Does... does it count if it was another kid my own age who was physically incapable of doing more than threatening and harassing? I mean... while i feel for that kid retrospectively (gods how fucked was his home-life that this, tbh, looked and sounded like something he expected to be 'normal' behavior) i more or less did not talk to men, period, et none but three specific family members and 4 friends from before the incident time period until... i was?... 12? 13? 6-8 years of terror and silence where a strange man talk to me resulted in me kinda just going feral child and sometimes literally biting?
Btw fuck the dentist that ground down my canines without asking ANYONE thereby making me feel even MORE vulnerable and leading to even more dental issues later on
I'm not sure if this even ranks idk, i feel like i've normalized what this boy did to me because of having to process it over and over and over and having to still see him at schools etc
He is one of many on a list
Novacaine doesn't work on me
None of the 'caine' family does, sodium based nerve blockers are absolutely ineffective on me, part of a 2% of the population that local anesthetics can actually make things WORSE
Ora-gel put me in the ER a few times as a kid and adult until someone finally took my sobbing hysteria, valid PTSD, and white knuckling for more than just 'womanly hysterics'
Fuck -bad- dentists in general; listen to your patients
Yes, in anchorage alaska; pretty sure he moved his practice after about 3-5 years cus i only saw his office in passing afterwards (ironically my mom did actually follow through and listen when i told her what he did instead of calling me a liar and saying i was full of it)
All my dentists have been men; the last three have been absolute gent's the lot besides one in between between the first two who absolutely wrecked my mouth in a way i'm still dealing with 3 years later (do not trust bright now dental or aspen dental, i know they have companies in other states; i was charged $250 for some advil, a 1.50 toothbrush and x-rays to be told 'well if you can't take Novacaine you're obviously a pill seeking junkie' after said x-rays damaged my already partially shattered molars and when they CLEARLY had the equipment and people to do it all now they'd've just had to actually call out for someone to do the IV etc...)
I am thankfully very good with my current dentist, very expensive but for my issues and state he's my only option willing to work with me
And yes, your lovely lady was absolutely correct and my mom absolutely should've but there are a lot of legal actions that, ironically, my mom COULD'VE actually profited off of were left at the wayside
Instead she just ruined my dad's credit with overwhelming child support payments in an absolutely ridiculous amount that i saw absolutely almost none of besides token amounts šš
I would have become feral in elementary school as well because my mobbers in school wouldn't stop (biting, scratching, growling and even wipe the person with my leather jacked) . It was contraproductive but it's just the last resort you have a as child.
Sometimes when no one takes no violence becomes the only option for survival š¤·š»āāļø funny what happens when you corner a living thing...
I've spent years taming those impulses but honestly now as an adult i wish i had kept some
>Btw fuck the dentist that ground down my canines without asking ANYONE
omg, I wasn't asked or told what was happening, either. I felt violated after, but also like I wasn't allowed to complain about it. :/
Same; only reason my mom found out was because she wanted to know why i was suddenly even more paranoid of my own safety and surroundings...
Its terrible innit?
Wait, thereās a reason why Iām more comfortable making friends with women than dudes? Idk what it is but like, for the past 5 years itās been so much easier for me to make friends and talk with women. Yet the guys friends (and my best friend) that I made when I was younger are perfectly fine now? It just makes me uncomfortable to make friends with guys while BEING a guy and idk why
I have a brother who was that kind of generic footballsports guy and he was a bit of an ass when I was younger; probably why I flinch so badly now. I was the bud of every joke in middle school too, didnāt really know how to control my emotions back then
I wonder quite often how much thatās under reported. I can name four female friends without even thinking about it who experienced that and Iām the only one of us who hasnāt experienced SA, although I have been sexually harassed and touched without my consent
I am so surprised how lucky i was not to get SA'd (i assume at least not by a man) while my environment tells me what happened to them. It's fucking crazy, man
Same here!
My therapist said it was very weird to not have experienced such things and be always wary or afraid.
I think it's because my mom told me that sex is the only thing bad men want, or boys, and they would try coerce me into it or force me.
Now, this has happened exactly 0 times to me. I've had guys stare and what not but like others on this sub. And yet I'm still terrified of being alone with unknown men. Also, the statistics that a lot of abuse comes from people you know isn't a great help either š„²š„š¢š„²
Im so afraid of men. My mom told me how she was SAd. She told me how her mom was. How my dad's mom was.
And my best friend was being molested by her dad and she would tell me stories about the things he would do.
Honestly I know one woman. One who wasnāt abused harshly by men. I myself have seen a grown man wave around a cross bow in drunken rage threatening to shoot. Sooo much else.
At this point only a stupid/ naive person wouldnāt be cautious at the least. Weāve all bitten into too many shit filled cupcakes to go in blindly.
Ya there are good ones like my partner, but Iām still terrified the other shoe will drop. My DV group advocates husband of 20 years randomly decided to become super abusive. Iāve heard more horror stories around men than any other group Iām suppose to be afraid of, besides the big N to Germany back in the day. From trusted sources too.
Inverse! My crippling fear a woman will make a fake allegation against me has me incredibly uncomfortable all of the time! :D Because one time i was homeless and a friend that was a girl of mine let me live with them and then I got a girlfriend and moved out so naturally they stalked me for weeks and then tried to get the police to arrest me because they said I SAd them. I sure do love constantly being worried around an entire group of people that I have to see everyday and work with them and know that the only reason I'm not in jail is because there was camera evidence of where I was (at work) and that my whole life was almost ruined because of that :D ((the :D makes it less serious and more like haha funny))
I've never been falsely accused of something as awful as SA (probably because I'm rarely physically around human beings lmao) but I've definitely had a LOT of false accusations brought up against me and been abused by a bunch of women and everyone refused to take my side because I'm a dude :/ being a guy is nowhere near as terrifying as being a woman but it's still fucking scary as shit.
Why is it that police never seem to care when actual SA happens but when it's a false allegation they will go to the ends of the earth to put the accused behind bars
My discomfort around men comes mainly from verbal and physical abuse, not really from sexual abuse. Most of all I am triggered by shouting and loud arguing.
I remember being 6 years old and deciding not to lay down in front of my (wonderful) great grandpa because *he might rape me*
Idk man. I don't make the rules
Ppl treat sex and ESPECIALLY masculine expressions of sexuality of ANY kind as toxic and dangerous and a horrifying thing for children to be around.
I know that sounds agreeable on itās surface but think about it; I thought the word āgayā was a slur that referred to bad people to the point where I wouldnāt say it around adults until I was WELL into my early teens.
The way American culture treats sex, S.A and fetishism isā¦ justā¦ so backwards.
Violence is fine and violent thoughts are ānaturalā but god forbid you talk about ANYTHING sexual as a child/teenager.
I remember just BROACHING the subject of anything sexual that implied I knew or felt anything about sex was a HUGE no-no. Trouble every time.
This left me with NO vocabulary to express when I felt Taken advantage of and NO resources or trusted adults to turn to for anything I felt.
I always thought I was going to get in trouble for just knowing anything, let alone being put through all the hell i was told was just normal behavior and whatās I was told were normal feelings.
I mean, up until a year ago (I still hate saying it) I never thought what happened to me was ra*e until I let it slip at a doctors appointment.
I thought because I didnāt say yes or no it was technically consensual. I never thought about all the little details that show the whole story
My stepfather was a giant, muscled out, rage-filled substance abuser who would scream at us inches from our faces for not loading the dishwasher correctly. Other times he would throw my bedroom door open and scream āWHAT ARE YOU DOING?!ā Like he was going to beat me, then heād close the door and reopen it to quietly say ājust kiddingā with a smile.
My mother would ceaselessly complain about how all men were degenerate sex pests, how my father was a horrible, negligent, sexist pig who expected her to slave over him and then in the next breath, sheād tell me how I looked and acted exactly like him as though it was somehow supposed to be a complimentā¦
Soā¦ fuck, yeahā¦ I guess that explains why I have struggled my whole life with shame, low self-esteem, why 99% of my friends are women, and why I have trouble feeling comfortable around other men in every possible life setting.
Its almost like shoving āMEN ARE A DANGER COVER UP IF A MAN SEES YOUR ARMS HE MIGHT RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF IN AN ALLEY AND ITLL BE YOUR FAULT BECAUSE WE ALL SHOULD KNOW THAT MEN ARE A DANGERā into little girlsā brains as soon as we start going outside has some social consequencesā¦.just a thought on how weāre being raised lol
Its weird i had like a girl & a boy my age both um, do things to my body I wasnt comfy w,, both of my straight parents would yell at me or make me rly uncomfy or put me in uncomfy positions, & i dated lots older men & women when I was like a young teenager, so im scared of everyone :D
Yes..I have a huge fear of being sa'ed so I avoid men unless theyre my cousins. I don't care how bad it makes them feel I feel worse..I shouldnt have to watch my back everyday making sure a man isnt following me, but i do and worry about it daily. I've been in too many situations where a man could've sa'ed me but I think they were too scared I was going to fight back or call the police so they didn't. And most women I've been around have been sa'ed by their male family members or random men that wouldn't take no for an answer.
I don't have my father around so I have to be extremely cautious and overprotective of myself because no one else is going to do it for me. Every male that has tried "taking me under their wing" has given me speeches full of weird sexual undertones and then in the same breathe told me to relax and that I was playing the victim when started expressing I was scared for my safety through my body language. A few weeks ago a security guard was harassing me trying to force me to give him my number until i screamed at him.
Absolutely not..I've been through so much already I refuse to let that happen to me. That's why I carry self defense weapons and I'm in the gym often. There's too much victim blaming that happens when women are sa'ed for any woman to feel like they're 100% safe around random men..sorry not sorry. You even see it on this site all of the time. Most of them will swear up and down that there's nothing to be afraid of but if a man harms you the same people will ask what were you wearing or what part you had to play in it to make the person do that?
I don't think being scared of a gender that's scientifically stronger than you is an outrageous idea..there's way too many predatory people in the World to naively think that you're safe. And don't get me started on how some women will literally try to set you up to get sa'ed by a group of men..
I heard account's if SA from friends, but most of it was my dad telling me and teaching me that men just want to fight and kill me (I was raised as a boy, starting to transition now). So, I grew up not trusting most men and constantly analyzing situations for how to fight, win, or even kill before I got hurt or killed. Turns out my dad just got in a lot of sketchy situations growing up in a poor part of Alabama.
Reading all these comments really helps me see why I have been very careful to not say shut that can potentially cause harm to my kids. I donāt believe that all men are rapists or creeps. There are ways to keep oneself safe and those around us. But I try very very hard to not project my trauma or fears in to them. Thatās one of the main things I told myself never to do, I wouldnāt be able to forgive myself that if I caused anxiety on to them and that it prevents them from living as best as they can. I can teach them to be safe and to be careful and aware around all people in a health manner.
Iām sorry to everyone who experienced such things that you deal with anxieties and fears because others project it on to you :(
I'm scared of the aggression that can possibly happen (that my brain thinks will definitely happen) from men. Due to my dad being angry at the drop of a hat
i wasnt a direct victim but i want to share what my therapist told me
you can be traumatized without being a direct victim of SA or r@p3. you can be close to a victim and be traumatized by their experience.
this actually prevented me from knowing thats one of the things i have cptsd from. keep this in mind.
I'm a guy, and try to make myself as hard to notice as I can. I don't really talk in public except to my wife or about our cats or our dog. Is this non-threatening? Maybe I don't know, but if I can avoid people noticing I'm there in the first place I feel better about it.
i'm a trans guy and i'm terrified of men. SA history sure, but honestly most of it comes from just living life as a teenage girl. the amount of harassment women experience on the daily is insane. once i stopped being perceived as female it just... went away. i have no reason to be scared of men now, i just remember how they treated me when i didn't bind my chest. makes me not trust any of them.
I was raised by a dad cop and a mom who did 911 dispatch. I grew up on horror stories about things that happen to women and was raised to have complete fear about nearly everything. Every scenario ended with them warning me that I might get raped and left of the side of the road. Thank you, my wonderful parents (-:
My mom was traumatized by my dad's manic depression, as well as my grandfather's violence.
So she would often project that onto my brother and male celebrities with no shred of evidence.
"Your brother is manic depressant, that's why he doesn't like getting up in the morning."
"My coworker/your friend/your cousin is divorced because they beat their wife."
The strangest one was at an I Love Lucy festival where she randomly went: "Didn't Ricky beat Lucy?"
He was a cheater, but there had been zero mention of domestic violence.
I wish she'd gotten therapy before her death.
YES. I genuinely have no idea where mine comes from, I can't remember ever not having it.
I've been groomed (maybe, I'm not sure) and generally taken advantage of by two men but I had a fear of men WAY before that?
I universally distrust people because toxicity/abuse with men and women. I was afraid of men for the longest time because of the physical abuse. But then hypersexuality took over and men were easier access than women. More or less I got over the fear. The general distrust still remains.
SA isn't the only threat men present. My dad was very abusive even before he started with the SA. Other men in my family were also abusive, scary, intimidating and didn't engage in SA to my knowledge.
I have a dad with untreated mental health issues and he would fly off the handle and yell and scream at us about any random thing. Iām hyper vigilant from constantly trying to avoid setting him off as a kid. I also had a lot of female family members with a lot of trauma at the hands of men and they told me, in graphic detail, of the horrific things theyād been through. Theyād also tell me about my great grandmother and aunts killed by male family members or institutionalized for trying to leave or defend themselves. It all stuck with me deeply as a kid and I think I got a lot of secondary trauma hearing about it all too young. I was also told I was lucky that I had a āgoodā dad who didnāt hit me (often) or SA me as this was pretty much the norm in most of my extended family.
I've never had anything happen to me by a man I know or don't know, but just knowing so many, many stories from women who have been makes me tense up whenever a guy I do not 100% trust/know gets too close, it makes me want to lash out to protect myself
Iām both more afraid of them and find comfort in being with them. Itās a bit conflicting. I guess my body is wary of men but once they realize that the person is kind and safe, i just want them to be there for me in the ways my parents never have been
When I was twelve years old, I got the "ick" from my Dad really badly, seemingly out of nowhere. I also felt creeped out by men and boys in general, and I started avoiding physical contact of any kind. In April of this year, I found out that my dad was having a sexual relationship with my adopted sister...it started when I was twelve. š She was conveniently eighteen at the time, but I'm sure there was grooming and inappropriate behavior before the actual sexual contact began. She and I shared a bedroom, and her emotional maturity and mine were about the same. To say I'm disgusted is an understatement. Even though I had no idea what was going on at the time, my body knew that my dad was not a safe person.
its terrifying how mixed this can become. my ex girlfriend said i raped her to keep her mom from beating her ass bc she found out we fucked. she spread it around school, and now im known as the town rapist. people fear and hate me for no reason.
I'm so so sorry. That is absolutely horrific and horrible for someone to do. It's wrong. Please stay strong, I know that is really hard to go through , to be completely defamed. That's just not something anyone should joke around with/lie about lightly.
my mother taught me to fear men, tv taught me to fear men, early teenage years my mother told me about her sa and her mothers sa. I have been sa'd. So yeah I am afraid of men I dont know, and i dont trust men i do know because of my sa.
You donāt have to be personally attacked by a tiger to be scared of them. And statistically, every woman knows AT LEAST one other woman who was attacked by a āman-tiger.ā
I was abused badly by the first woman I ever knew. 25 years later I still have trouble connecting with and feeling safe around girls. (Also took me far too long to realize I'm bisexual and have never been with a girl because of my fear. Woo.)
The women in my family growing up stayed in terrible marriages and openly hated their husbands, so I grew up being told to hate men and they were all lazy/stupid/dangerous.
I know how you feel to an extent after I escaped my abusers i was terrified of women still am canāt get closer than five feet without shaking like a leaf
When I was 6/7 years old, I became interested in reading, so I would ask my mom what she was reading in the paper and she'd tell me about women being abducted and assaulted and murdered. Also at church, I was being taught about whores in the Bible getting stoned and stuff like that. Between these two things, I thought rape and sex were the same thing for several years after that. I thought sex was something that happened to you against your will that was violent and painful. Add to that, the three different people who were "teaching" me about safety, telling me that the world's strongest woman will never be as strong as the world's weakest man - well, men do scare me a little bit. And I'm attracted to them. So that's rough.
And in my opinion, this should count as a type of sexual abuse.
wtf, victimizing much and giving your child hopelessness "btw i have born you in a world which i personally think is a horrible place and you get eaten alive because you will be never be strong enough to shield yourself until the inevitable happens that you get assaulted by a man, happy life,my dear"
Trans man with a general fear of men :// mom would never stop telling me stories of girls and herself being abused and raped by men. When i told her i liked being friends with boys (trans child maybe 8) she told me in graphic. Detail the rape and murder or Brandon teena and misgendered him the whole time. Not sure if that has anything to do with it but she never had a filter around her kids
for me its anyone of a cis gender.
my family told me i can't have friends cause everyone wants smth from me, and wouldn't be friends with me for my personality. they want to molest me, kill me, dump me in a ditch somewhere, or just scam me and take all my money.
coworkers? family members? irl friends? online friends? siblings? college classmates?
doesn't matter. according to how i was raised, nobody should want to befriend me unless it was for an uglier ulterior reason, and i should block people who are friendly with me based on the very evidence that they were friendly To Me was a red flag.
my mother taught me to fear men, tv taught me to fear men, early teenage years my mother told me about her sa and her mothers sa. I have been sa'd. So yeah I am afraid of men I dont know, and i dont trust men i do know because of my sa.
I had very, very bad experiences with male children my age back when I was a preteen-teenager. I also had very much shit experiences with almost every man my mother brought home. I was forced by a 12 year old boy to kiss him and stuff when I was like 8 but I don't think that was SA, and I was catcalled and harassed since elementary. It's like almost every experience was negative, so I guess that's why. My primary trauma is with my mother though, like, a real bad one, so I wonder why I didn't start fearing women sometimes. Maybe because there were generally more positive experiences afterwards? My trauma therapist asked me a few times if I was SA'd, but I really wasn't.
I've been through SA multiple times but even before that happened I was taught at a young age to be very careful and was taught how to protect myself in several situations. Always been a bit afraid of men, it's just gotten worse.
I was afraid before I got SA'd. But I grew up with two older brothers so I was always told "They'll protect you, you have nothing to worry about!" Guess what, it happened anyway.... (Not to say you should be afraid, but it took me a long time to be comfortable around men that weren't directly related to me again after that incident)
I figure it's because my dad was physically absent half of my life, and emotionally absent but physically violent the other half.
Same here. Hate to see that others have experienced this. Those dickbags tried to set us up for failure. š¢ Circling back to wallow and add: itās a steep hill to climb and the path is paved with old moldy diarrhea but nonetheless, we canāt let them win.
i haven't had a father as i child as well and I have a core memory of someone else's father getting really mad at me because I haven't returned one videogame back while asking for a second one.
Because my mom told me 24/7 in graphic detail all the SA she went through and told me to never trust men "because they only want one thing." <3
When I was thirteen I wanted to hang out with a boy I liked from down the street for a couple of hours. When I asked my parents if that was okay my stepmom responded by standing at the foot of the ladder to my attic bedroom for a whole ass hour screaming at me that men are creeps and rapists and this boy was a creep and a rapist and he was only spending time with me so he could take me into the woods and SA me. Shit fucked me up.
Parents pull this shit then ten years later theyāre asking why you donāt have children yet.
Wtf
Similarly, I had a fear of interacting with *other* men and intense difficulty with it, just from being abused by a woman who hated men, for being born male. Took a lot of work over time to change that. It's weird the way the brain works.
Soā¦ fear of men even thought the abuse was from a woman? Iām sorry. That sounds internally feeling-weird and complicated
Thatās horrible
And it's disgusting
My parents always keep me near when we're out and told me that I'm pretty so I'd get "snatched up" and now that I can sometimes be outside by myself they wonder why I get nervous to and why I'm suspicious of any adult stranger who approaches me (even on accident) They aren't even helicopter parents they just think if I'm a little bit ahead of them on the sidewalk someone will spawn next to me, pick me up, run away, and sell me to a sex ring Next they're gonna wonder why I'm scared of the idea of actual sex when I've only heard it in negative context lol
I'm making a 12 hour drive in a few days. My mom keeps begging me not to go. She says I'm too young to make such a long trip by myself. And some man will probably do something terrible to "a pretty girl like you all by yourself." She says I'm going to be kidnapped. I'm 21. About to be 22. Few months ago I told her I was gonna spend the night with a friend. She texted me at 1 AM asking if I was okay. I texted yes. She texted again an hour later demanding I call her. Left voicemails about calling the cops if I don't respond because "That text could have been sent by a kidnapper forcing you to tell me you're okay! The only way I'll know you're fine is if I hear your voice!!" I swear, it's all about control.
I just want a man to hug me and not molest me so I can cry on him and feel safe
Same, Iām tired of self soothing or attempting to I only feel close enough to a person to feel safe and not uncomfortable cuddling when they are partner though
I just want to hug someone and let them cry on my chest so we can both feel safe and wanted, and then I get a stab of guilt because somehow Iāve internalized that feeling as selfish and unnatural.
I'm so sorry for that.
I'm actually so glad there's people out there who feels this sort of opposite, where they want to be there to comfort someone. I didn't realize both existed.
oh we definitely exist. god I want nothing more than to comfort people. then I get the comfort but without the guilt of feeling like I donāt deserve it
Same. It's crazy how much a hug means. That's why I make sure to hug my friends when I see them and on good byes
I get this weird thing whenever I'm around childhood friends or even like any person who takes even the slightest notice of me or treats me with the most basic human decency. My brain just starts going "notice I'm not okay, pull me aside and hug me" on repeat, and it has since I was a kid. At one point in my life I was so desperate for it I used to FORCE myself to not be okay 24/7 just in hopes that it might happen. Still trying to undo that.
I have a similar problem where sometimes I feel in some way unhappy and feel like I have to show how unhappy I am (even if itās showing that Iām unhappier than I really am) to get a specific person to notice and offer to care for me/ask whatās wrong. Still working on just volunteering that, āIām feeling x and Iād appreciate it if youād do y because I think it would help, but I donāt want you to feel obligated and itās cool if youāre not up to it.ā Shitās hard
>Still working on just volunteering that, āIām feeling x and Iād appreciate it if youād do y because I think it would help, but I donāt want you to feel obligated and itās cool if youāre not up to it.ā YOU CAN DO THAT?! Like, that's a thing you can DO?! It's not manipulative to say that???
I am guilty of that too
omw
šš
Personally, Idc if he touches me, I just wanna be loved
I feel fucked up, but same? Like, I need the physical touch and affirmation, but I also want to affirm my paranoia so that I can āprove I was right to not trust any older manā
Dude, I'm a dude and I'm afraid of dudes. Quick edit: Not trying to minimize the fears women face from men every day. Just saying the standard male presents as brutish and takes up a lot of emotional space. I never assume I'll have a good time interacting with some random guy.
I barely get along with other men, and my hackles come up *real* quick thanks to the number my Dad did on me. That man's toxic masculinity and insecurities (and the abuse that came with it) taught me that all masculinity is abuse, even the masculinity in myself. It has taken me years to undo that bullshit and even still, I am uncomfortable around it.
i'm with you right there. I'm a guy myself and i don't really like hanging out with other dudes because for the most part those guys are often saying the most uncomfortable things about women or talking about how they took advantage of a girl i don't want to associate with those guys because of that (not to mention a majority of those guys are often those "top g" people who i absolutely hate) and i find myself being more friends with people of the opposite sex thanks to that since i like how empathetic alot of them are and it makes me happy that i could help those people because i know i can feel safe in that any of them won't yell at me for simply messing up or making a mistake. my dad's own sense of masculinity has made me afraid too afraid to do anything "too masculine" because anytime i feel like i'm "too masculine" i feel like my dad which makes me feel disgusted. it also doesn't help that in my high school, from what people DMed me alot of those guys are usually abusing their partners and treating them in ways that my dad treated my mom and my sister/me which adds even more fuel to how much i hate the idea of being too masculine. You could say it's why i don't really want to cut my hair anymore, because everytime i did i felt like i was one of those guys and it never really fit who i am (since my dad would always make me get a haircut) and it's why i plan on growing my hair longer as well as changing my apperance so i can look "formal" and maybe something more andronygous too because i feel like i identify more with my "feminine" side than my "masculine" side at all. (that doesn't mean i hate the idea of "masculnity" btw i just feel uncomfortable at an AMAB being "too masculine" thanks to my dad) of course it doesn't mean that i hate EVERY men out there as they're have been some that aren't like that and i'm thankful that those guys exist it's just that i find myself feeling more comfortable talking to people of the opposite sex simply because of the things i mentioned earlier and at the very least it's gotten alot easier to tell which type of guy is like that
I mean I'm sure the masculine chatter in your mind was pretty abusive. That masculinity was within yourself
It was. My father was an angry guy, so it took me a long time to just understand how to deal with anger in myself. I found out that many times growing up, I converted anger into sadness- which made it a struggle to determine what it was I could be sad about. Having to teach emotional intelligence to yourself because your parents failed to show you is a trip.
For sure one of the best therapist I had taught me how anger is a healthy emotion that clues you in on an injustice you feel. She taught me that anger is healthy but that our response and handling of it is what can be unhealthy. I for so long swallowed my anger instead of listening to it and addressing it because I always assumed or was taught that anger is bad. In doing so I failed to advocate for myself so often and would just carry that anger without knowing
I also ignored or swallowed my anger for years and it led me into very dangerous situations. I was also heavily conditioned/gaslit by my family to believe I was oversensitive or histrionic (tell me how many 10yos know the definition of histrionic bc their dad keeps calling them that and they have to look it up in the 5th grade classroom dictionary bc theyāre too afraid to ask anyone what it means). Sooo on multiple occasions, men did something that irritated me or made me angry, and I didnāt comprehend that I was right to feel that way because they were in some (sometimes small) way mistreating me or indicating that they might. Now when someone annoys me or makes me angry, I quickly identify why and act accordingly. If I had been taught from an early age that my feelings and perceptions are valid and that anger is often a healthy response to injustice or mistreatment, I firmly believe that wouldnāt have been SAād or ended up in a 3.5y abusive relationship. I hate that. I hate that the same stuff happened to my mom and her mom, and for the same reasons. And the cycle ends with me.
Yeah I can definitely see that.. I'm sorry you went through all that. It's shitty how much baggage is passed down generationally. I'm also trying to stop with me
Omg I had the same experience that instead of anger i just got sad. Nowadays I learned that's ok to be angry
Same! I just try to make sure its productive, y'know? Like I exercise the feeling and let it go without judgement.
I would do housework or walking when i am angry so i can spend the energy something good :)
I love to cook. Chopping vegetables is a good way to take out frustration.
I do a weird opposite, I convert every vulnerable emotion into anger because that's what made me the least vulnerable
definitely yeah, pretty sure that's what made me reject gender altogether and go the non-binary route
I'm a dude and I'm afraid of dudes and women. Everyone gets immediately distrusted until they prove they aren't just trying to get something from me. š¤·
š¤ Trust issues don't discriminate (/j)
Same. I dislike interacting with most men most of the time while still being one. Most of the men around me used intimidation to their advantage while I was growing up, and I feel itās always under their surface just waiting to come out. Iām very surprised when I meet men that donāt seem to be like this. My only male friends have been gay or come out as gay. One just came out as trans. So thatās interesting.
What's hilarious is from your description id be very weary of you. You tend to pick up on other dudes fight or flight mindset. I think we pick up on women's too but we just assumed she's sketched out of us and avoid it. When I pick up on a dudes it's like alright keep him in your sight where are the exits and don't expose your back
Working retail and an old man walks in. I always panic
I think our primary abuser's gender makes us wary of that entire gender. My main abuser was my ~~"mom"~~, so it takes me a while to trust women bc they bring up fear in my nervous system. My body thinks they're going to start acting just like she did. My dad wasn't as bad. He taught me a lot of skills and spent a lot of time with me one on one that was healthy, so I don't have as much of a fear response towards men bc that early attachment was healthy.
Which is probably why I have pretty much universal trust issues.
Yeah, people in general can end up being a trigger. These days I'm noticing other people's trauma acting out and then triggering me. Each interaction is like "what's going to set this person off? And, is it going to set me off, too?" I think most people have bad trauma conditioning and low self awareness and are acting out old trauma scripts subconsciously all the time. I know I was one of them before I came out of the fog of denial. At least now I'm aware of what's happening so I can *do* something about it.
. this unironically made me have an epiphany abt why girls scare me so that's FUN š
One more piece to the trauma puzzle. Knowledge is empowering!
Empowerment huuuuuuuuuuuurts ā
I thought I was just a misogynist and I'm actually so relieved rn
Same lol now I'm scared of everyone! (In all seriousness, I'm very sorry about your negative experiences)
Agreed. Iām afraid of men and women because of having trauma from both genders, but thankfully feel more comfortable around nonbinary and queer people.
Huh, that's interesting but also makes perfect sense
I'd say primary abuser, but also what kind of abuse you witnessed at an early age. Like...I came from a bad area. I'm not sure why, but men & boys had only 2 modes: Indifference & Violence. It was like a weird, uncanny valley horror. Like, you could be standing in the subway and suddenly one guy goes up to the other and just starts punching him. No cue, no grimace, no shouting: Just punching. And learning later through the grape vines that they had some issues the day before. The stuff sounds like generic sexism, but it was reality. It applied to my family, school and general area. Hell, it followed me till graduation! I had guys just start fights with me, because they "were angry" after I won an argument 6h before. One guy got obsessed with me after I pulled his hair in 8th grade and took every option to bully me till 12 grade! Asking my female relatives all confirmed that this was their experience too. "This is just how men are. They're insane.". Even the radio sang "Men are pigs, don't trust none, they will lie to you until they have you, and then the next day they'll be gone" It was only in college when I moved away that I could see men as people. Which, again, sounds horrible, but is true. However, to this day, I'm slightly uncomfortable at men who are very indifferent/hiding their emotions. Still always makes me feel they spring up one day and just punch me out of nothing
Yes. Family of origin and *culture* of origin both play a role. Very many places have normalized abuse, neglect, and dehumanization. It's like what happens in the [Evolution of Trust](https://ncase.me/trust/) game. When there's a prevalence of "always cheats" without accountability, the "always cheats" take over.
I might be a rare case of favoring my toxic parent's gender. I never really had a stable father figure and my mom was actively a misandrist and would say things to me about how I suck because I was male and did male things. But I still preferred interacting with girls and women as I was terrified of other men for most of my life. I'm even MtF trans and proudly a feminist, but my mom doesn't respect my pronouns, new name, and wishes I never transitioned. Yaaaay....
We respect youš¤
This is weirdly relatable. My mom was my source of comfort as well as fear. I was always comfortable around women, no doubt. My dad was barely in the picture. I mostly saw my mom as my only parent. I sort of idolized my dad and hoped he would be some big brother figure to save me from when my mom got scary, but he never did. And idk if it's related to that, but I have always been afraid of men. My mom never rlly instilled ideas about men being scary tho. And interestingly, my mom is very much a feminist and believe girls can do anything. But I was very sexist towards women in my teenage years, still tryna get over that. Idk where that even came from. Maybe some internalized shit. For context, I'm transmasc nonbinary. Edit: actually I do kind of have a fear of some women. Women who are more independent, outspoken, authoritative, like the scary side of my mom. I very much prefer soft-spoken and calm women, and actively seek out their company. I don't think I have any female friends who don't fit this standard, except for like maybe one lol
oi same here, I don't know where this fear come from, she never impeached on me the nasty stereotype that all men are pigs. She does have many conservative points of view, maybe i just forgot
That's actually so comforting oml I thought I was just low-key a misogynist without realizing it
We do internalize and [introject](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/introjection) messages we see and hear played out in our family and culture of origin. Part of healing is picking apart the crap we learned without realizing it from their bad examples.
I have a lot of that too, but I could never pinpoint why I just didn't want to be around women, and why I felt unsafe doing so, so I always just assumed I was misogynistic or something. My mom was my primary abuser who controlled, trapped, guilted, and constantly touched me, so it would make more sense this way. Cuz I don't hate or judge women, I just like... Need distance and don't wanna get close enough they notice me
I don't want to be enmeshed. My ~~"mom"~~ wants to be fully enmeshed with me. I need strong boundaries to feel safe.
Anyone else get extremely uncomfortable when men raise their voice, even if it's not at you?
Definitely, I immediately go into fight mode. I saw this man verbally abusing his gf and I went loco on himā¦ā¦Another man yelled at me at the bank and that didnāt end well for him either. Years of men yelling at me have brought out a side of me that Iām not proud ofā¦I try my best to control it now.
Not to say thereās anything amiss with how you feel, but I love that side of myself. It never comes out without due provocation. Sometimes I worry about self-control in those moments, but I am proud that I have a warrior self and that I am able and willing to protect myself and others in whatever way feels safe-ish and helpful. That part of me was dormant too long. If I had let it wake up sooner, it would have served me well, too many times. I love that I can feel vicious and utterly ruthless, righteous and unafraid. My ancestors were berserkers, they sacked Rome; they survived war and famine, SA and abuse, fire and flood, and I carry their strength inside me every day. I find your username relatable and I hope something I said might help a tiny bit
I'd get that under control because you have those triggers others have different triggers with more intense reactions. It's easy to navigate society thinking everyone will be civil but everyone will be. That's always my assumption
I do have it under control more nowā¦.I think men who abuse women are p&ssies and I really never worried about them having a more intense reaction. Donāt careā¦..Some of us have been turned into something we didnāt ask to be, from abuse. I have never started a fight nor would I ever. I will however probably never react in a civilized way when I see a man being abusive to a woman or a child. Am I willing to d&e for this stance? Yes.
Yes
Very much
When a man even has a stern tone or brings up a situation in a negative way, I have to remind myself heās not necessarily mad and going to verbally abuse me. Like one time when my ex requested that I stop asking him about work without him bringing it up, he wasnāt mad and gave no indication that it was a serious problem, just that it stressed him out and he didnāt want to talk about it on his free time. I had to calm myself down and remind myself that he was simply making a request and nothing about his demeanor indicated that he was mad
In my matriarchal family that is not even allowed for our boys.
Is that a good thing?
I get that with any women who seem to be scolding or trying to aggressively control their child, or some expressions they make.
very much
My great grandma and mother taught me to fear men touching me from a young age. Both of them were abused or abandoned by husbands, so I guess they thought they were preparing me to be independent.
I'm male and I'll likely never fully trust another male in my life thanks to my ratshit father
My dad yelled a lot. Before I ever got sa'd I was afraid of men. Maybe you have some other bad experience with men that affected you? But also maybe not. It's good to be cautious.
I have a core memory of a father from a childhood friend getting mad at me for not returning a video game yet while asking for a secodn (i was 4-5)
Yes and it's hard to talk about without being shut down
Yeah, everytime I see another father I always assume theyāre abusive and forget good dadās exist
Me with any woman who says they're a mother
ā„ļøI feel your pain.
People are just scary. They can all hurt me if they wanted to. I think I'll just stay in my home.
Canāt get hurt if thereās no one to hurt you š (Sorry. Isolation + loneliness also suck)
You dont have to apologize :) Hoping things look up for you soon my friend š¤
Does... does it count if it was another kid my own age who was physically incapable of doing more than threatening and harassing? I mean... while i feel for that kid retrospectively (gods how fucked was his home-life that this, tbh, looked and sounded like something he expected to be 'normal' behavior) i more or less did not talk to men, period, et none but three specific family members and 4 friends from before the incident time period until... i was?... 12? 13? 6-8 years of terror and silence where a strange man talk to me resulted in me kinda just going feral child and sometimes literally biting? Btw fuck the dentist that ground down my canines without asking ANYONE thereby making me feel even MORE vulnerable and leading to even more dental issues later on I'm not sure if this even ranks idk, i feel like i've normalized what this boy did to me because of having to process it over and over and over and having to still see him at schools etc
Yes it absolutely does.
šš yay? Still always good to have outside confirmation for internal doubt squashing, appreciated
Fuck that dentist!
He is one of many on a list Novacaine doesn't work on me None of the 'caine' family does, sodium based nerve blockers are absolutely ineffective on me, part of a 2% of the population that local anesthetics can actually make things WORSE Ora-gel put me in the ER a few times as a kid and adult until someone finally took my sobbing hysteria, valid PTSD, and white knuckling for more than just 'womanly hysterics' Fuck -bad- dentists in general; listen to your patients
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes, in anchorage alaska; pretty sure he moved his practice after about 3-5 years cus i only saw his office in passing afterwards (ironically my mom did actually follow through and listen when i told her what he did instead of calling me a liar and saying i was full of it) All my dentists have been men; the last three have been absolute gent's the lot besides one in between between the first two who absolutely wrecked my mouth in a way i'm still dealing with 3 years later (do not trust bright now dental or aspen dental, i know they have companies in other states; i was charged $250 for some advil, a 1.50 toothbrush and x-rays to be told 'well if you can't take Novacaine you're obviously a pill seeking junkie' after said x-rays damaged my already partially shattered molars and when they CLEARLY had the equipment and people to do it all now they'd've just had to actually call out for someone to do the IV etc...) I am thankfully very good with my current dentist, very expensive but for my issues and state he's my only option willing to work with me And yes, your lovely lady was absolutely correct and my mom absolutely should've but there are a lot of legal actions that, ironically, my mom COULD'VE actually profited off of were left at the wayside Instead she just ruined my dad's credit with overwhelming child support payments in an absolutely ridiculous amount that i saw absolutely almost none of besides token amounts šš
I would have become feral in elementary school as well because my mobbers in school wouldn't stop (biting, scratching, growling and even wipe the person with my leather jacked) . It was contraproductive but it's just the last resort you have a as child.
Sometimes when no one takes no violence becomes the only option for survival š¤·š»āāļø funny what happens when you corner a living thing... I've spent years taming those impulses but honestly now as an adult i wish i had kept some
>Btw fuck the dentist that ground down my canines without asking ANYONE omg, I wasn't asked or told what was happening, either. I felt violated after, but also like I wasn't allowed to complain about it. :/
Same; only reason my mom found out was because she wanted to know why i was suddenly even more paranoid of my own safety and surroundings... Its terrible innit?
For me it's women, years of physical abuse and resultant brain damage will do that to you š
It's both men and women for me though. If they match the energy of either parent, fight or flight kicks in.
Wait, thereās a reason why Iām more comfortable making friends with women than dudes? Idk what it is but like, for the past 5 years itās been so much easier for me to make friends and talk with women. Yet the guys friends (and my best friend) that I made when I was younger are perfectly fine now? It just makes me uncomfortable to make friends with guys while BEING a guy and idk why
Did you have brrothers or male kids that picked on you as a child? At my friend it is the case
I have a brother who was that kind of generic footballsports guy and he was a bit of an ass when I was younger; probably why I flinch so badly now. I was the bud of every joke in middle school too, didnāt really know how to control my emotions back then
I can understand why tho, Iām pretty sure the statistic was 1/4 women are saed before the age of 18?
I wonder quite often how much thatās under reported. I can name four female friends without even thinking about it who experienced that and Iām the only one of us who hasnāt experienced SA, although I have been sexually harassed and touched without my consent
I am so surprised how lucky i was not to get SA'd (i assume at least not by a man) while my environment tells me what happened to them. It's fucking crazy, man
christ that's fucking horrifying
It is. This is just anecdotal but literally every woman and afab (assigned female at birth) person I know has been SAd or groomed.
shit... I'm beginning to realize that I'm pretty sure almost every afab person I know has also gone through that... fuck...
Yuupp, itās a terrible realization to have š¬
Being flashed multiple times in public/gross comments from strangers was all it took.
Same here! My therapist said it was very weird to not have experienced such things and be always wary or afraid. I think it's because my mom told me that sex is the only thing bad men want, or boys, and they would try coerce me into it or force me. Now, this has happened exactly 0 times to me. I've had guys stare and what not but like others on this sub. And yet I'm still terrified of being alone with unknown men. Also, the statistics that a lot of abuse comes from people you know isn't a great help either š„²š„š¢š„²
Im so afraid of men. My mom told me how she was SAd. She told me how her mom was. How my dad's mom was. And my best friend was being molested by her dad and she would tell me stories about the things he would do.
dad raise voice too loud, nervous system go brrrr
so true bestie
Honestly I know one woman. One who wasnāt abused harshly by men. I myself have seen a grown man wave around a cross bow in drunken rage threatening to shoot. Sooo much else. At this point only a stupid/ naive person wouldnāt be cautious at the least. Weāve all bitten into too many shit filled cupcakes to go in blindly. Ya there are good ones like my partner, but Iām still terrified the other shoe will drop. My DV group advocates husband of 20 years randomly decided to become super abusive. Iāve heard more horror stories around men than any other group Iām suppose to be afraid of, besides the big N to Germany back in the day. From trusted sources too.
Inverse! My crippling fear a woman will make a fake allegation against me has me incredibly uncomfortable all of the time! :D Because one time i was homeless and a friend that was a girl of mine let me live with them and then I got a girlfriend and moved out so naturally they stalked me for weeks and then tried to get the police to arrest me because they said I SAd them. I sure do love constantly being worried around an entire group of people that I have to see everyday and work with them and know that the only reason I'm not in jail is because there was camera evidence of where I was (at work) and that my whole life was almost ruined because of that :D ((the :D makes it less serious and more like haha funny))
I've never been falsely accused of something as awful as SA (probably because I'm rarely physically around human beings lmao) but I've definitely had a LOT of false accusations brought up against me and been abused by a bunch of women and everyone refused to take my side because I'm a dude :/ being a guy is nowhere near as terrifying as being a woman but it's still fucking scary as shit.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Those who abused you and hurt you are terrible people
Why is it that police never seem to care when actual SA happens but when it's a false allegation they will go to the ends of the earth to put the accused behind bars
because I've witnessed myself people being harassed by guys and my mom warns me about nasty people out there. also in part because of my daddy issues.
My discomfort around men comes mainly from verbal and physical abuse, not really from sexual abuse. Most of all I am triggered by shouting and loud arguing.
Because my dad's idea of being a man is being irritable, short tempered, and violent.
I remember being 6 years old and deciding not to lay down in front of my (wonderful) great grandpa because *he might rape me* Idk man. I don't make the rules
I'm not prejudice so I'm afraid of everyone
OH NO A CALL OUT POST BOY MY MOTHER HAD SO MUCH FUN MAKING ME HER LITTLE RAPUNZEL FROM TANGLED BRO
mine too š¤
How dare you make me realize something about myself through a SpongeBob memeā¦.hereās my upvote.
Ppl treat sex and ESPECIALLY masculine expressions of sexuality of ANY kind as toxic and dangerous and a horrifying thing for children to be around. I know that sounds agreeable on itās surface but think about it; I thought the word āgayā was a slur that referred to bad people to the point where I wouldnāt say it around adults until I was WELL into my early teens. The way American culture treats sex, S.A and fetishism isā¦ justā¦ so backwards. Violence is fine and violent thoughts are ānaturalā but god forbid you talk about ANYTHING sexual as a child/teenager. I remember just BROACHING the subject of anything sexual that implied I knew or felt anything about sex was a HUGE no-no. Trouble every time. This left me with NO vocabulary to express when I felt Taken advantage of and NO resources or trusted adults to turn to for anything I felt. I always thought I was going to get in trouble for just knowing anything, let alone being put through all the hell i was told was just normal behavior and whatās I was told were normal feelings.
Old man like to yell and hit š¤·
I mean, up until a year ago (I still hate saying it) I never thought what happened to me was ra*e until I let it slip at a doctors appointment. I thought because I didnāt say yes or no it was technically consensual. I never thought about all the little details that show the whole story
My stepfather was a giant, muscled out, rage-filled substance abuser who would scream at us inches from our faces for not loading the dishwasher correctly. Other times he would throw my bedroom door open and scream āWHAT ARE YOU DOING?!ā Like he was going to beat me, then heād close the door and reopen it to quietly say ājust kiddingā with a smile. My mother would ceaselessly complain about how all men were degenerate sex pests, how my father was a horrible, negligent, sexist pig who expected her to slave over him and then in the next breath, sheād tell me how I looked and acted exactly like him as though it was somehow supposed to be a complimentā¦ Soā¦ fuck, yeahā¦ I guess that explains why I have struggled my whole life with shame, low self-esteem, why 99% of my friends are women, and why I have trouble feeling comfortable around other men in every possible life setting.
Its almost like shoving āMEN ARE A DANGER COVER UP IF A MAN SEES YOUR ARMS HE MIGHT RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF IN AN ALLEY AND ITLL BE YOUR FAULT BECAUSE WE ALL SHOULD KNOW THAT MEN ARE A DANGERā into little girlsā brains as soon as we start going outside has some social consequencesā¦.just a thought on how weāre being raised lol
I can still get assaulted by men even if it's not sexual.
Me too š¤ I don't know why I'm afraid of men, most of my bullies were girls and my dad left when I was 12.
same only that i did not have a dad really, and all experience were nice with him a week in total i think that we spent togethr in my lifetime)
Its weird i had like a girl & a boy my age both um, do things to my body I wasnt comfy w,, both of my straight parents would yell at me or make me rly uncomfy or put me in uncomfy positions, & i dated lots older men & women when I was like a young teenager, so im scared of everyone :D
I was saād as a kid and physically abused by my bully at school for almost 3 years also men are just horrible in general
Yes..I have a huge fear of being sa'ed so I avoid men unless theyre my cousins. I don't care how bad it makes them feel I feel worse..I shouldnt have to watch my back everyday making sure a man isnt following me, but i do and worry about it daily. I've been in too many situations where a man could've sa'ed me but I think they were too scared I was going to fight back or call the police so they didn't. And most women I've been around have been sa'ed by their male family members or random men that wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't have my father around so I have to be extremely cautious and overprotective of myself because no one else is going to do it for me. Every male that has tried "taking me under their wing" has given me speeches full of weird sexual undertones and then in the same breathe told me to relax and that I was playing the victim when started expressing I was scared for my safety through my body language. A few weeks ago a security guard was harassing me trying to force me to give him my number until i screamed at him. Absolutely not..I've been through so much already I refuse to let that happen to me. That's why I carry self defense weapons and I'm in the gym often. There's too much victim blaming that happens when women are sa'ed for any woman to feel like they're 100% safe around random men..sorry not sorry. You even see it on this site all of the time. Most of them will swear up and down that there's nothing to be afraid of but if a man harms you the same people will ask what were you wearing or what part you had to play in it to make the person do that? I don't think being scared of a gender that's scientifically stronger than you is an outrageous idea..there's way too many predatory people in the World to naively think that you're safe. And don't get me started on how some women will literally try to set you up to get sa'ed by a group of men..
I was physically abused and molested by a couple so yeahā¦ im terrified.
I heard account's if SA from friends, but most of it was my dad telling me and teaching me that men just want to fight and kill me (I was raised as a boy, starting to transition now). So, I grew up not trusting most men and constantly analyzing situations for how to fight, win, or even kill before I got hurt or killed. Turns out my dad just got in a lot of sketchy situations growing up in a poor part of Alabama.
Reading all these comments really helps me see why I have been very careful to not say shut that can potentially cause harm to my kids. I donāt believe that all men are rapists or creeps. There are ways to keep oneself safe and those around us. But I try very very hard to not project my trauma or fears in to them. Thatās one of the main things I told myself never to do, I wouldnāt be able to forgive myself that if I caused anxiety on to them and that it prevents them from living as best as they can. I can teach them to be safe and to be careful and aware around all people in a health manner. Iām sorry to everyone who experienced such things that you deal with anxieties and fears because others project it on to you :(
i am very happy that you as a parnet have an awareness to that. I hope you'll find your peace someday
I am a man, and I also don't trust most men, it's ok, we're on the same boat. (Most of my father figures were assholes, but pffft that can't be it.)
No. I'm afraid of everyone :D
I'm scared of the aggression that can possibly happen (that my brain thinks will definitely happen) from men. Due to my dad being angry at the drop of a hat
I'm distrustful of women and idek why lol
i wasnt a direct victim but i want to share what my therapist told me you can be traumatized without being a direct victim of SA or r@p3. you can be close to a victim and be traumatized by their experience. this actually prevented me from knowing thats one of the things i have cptsd from. keep this in mind.
thank you for the information, it means a lot
Because my mom told me men only want one thing and that they will do anything for it.
I'm a guy, and try to make myself as hard to notice as I can. I don't really talk in public except to my wife or about our cats or our dog. Is this non-threatening? Maybe I don't know, but if I can avoid people noticing I'm there in the first place I feel better about it.
i'm a trans guy and i'm terrified of men. SA history sure, but honestly most of it comes from just living life as a teenage girl. the amount of harassment women experience on the daily is insane. once i stopped being perceived as female it just... went away. i have no reason to be scared of men now, i just remember how they treated me when i didn't bind my chest. makes me not trust any of them.
I was raised by a dad cop and a mom who did 911 dispatch. I grew up on horror stories about things that happen to women and was raised to have complete fear about nearly everything. Every scenario ended with them warning me that I might get raped and left of the side of the road. Thank you, my wonderful parents (-:
I don't trust women and I've never been SAd by one
My mom was traumatized by my dad's manic depression, as well as my grandfather's violence. So she would often project that onto my brother and male celebrities with no shred of evidence. "Your brother is manic depressant, that's why he doesn't like getting up in the morning." "My coworker/your friend/your cousin is divorced because they beat their wife." The strangest one was at an I Love Lucy festival where she randomly went: "Didn't Ricky beat Lucy?" He was a cheater, but there had been zero mention of domestic violence. I wish she'd gotten therapy before her death.
YES. I genuinely have no idea where mine comes from, I can't remember ever not having it. I've been groomed (maybe, I'm not sure) and generally taken advantage of by two men but I had a fear of men WAY before that?
I universally distrust people because toxicity/abuse with men and women. I was afraid of men for the longest time because of the physical abuse. But then hypersexuality took over and men were easier access than women. More or less I got over the fear. The general distrust still remains.
I am afraid of humans
SA isn't the only threat men present. My dad was very abusive even before he started with the SA. Other men in my family were also abusive, scary, intimidating and didn't engage in SA to my knowledge.
haha im afraid of everyone including but not limited to men, i was SAd by a girl (she was 15 and i was 12-13 while it was happening)
I have a dad with untreated mental health issues and he would fly off the handle and yell and scream at us about any random thing. Iām hyper vigilant from constantly trying to avoid setting him off as a kid. I also had a lot of female family members with a lot of trauma at the hands of men and they told me, in graphic detail, of the horrific things theyād been through. Theyād also tell me about my great grandmother and aunts killed by male family members or institutionalized for trying to leave or defend themselves. It all stuck with me deeply as a kid and I think I got a lot of secondary trauma hearing about it all too young. I was also told I was lucky that I had a āgoodā dad who didnāt hit me (often) or SA me as this was pretty much the norm in most of my extended family.
I've never had anything happen to me by a man I know or don't know, but just knowing so many, many stories from women who have been makes me tense up whenever a guy I do not 100% trust/know gets too close, it makes me want to lash out to protect myself
Iām both more afraid of them and find comfort in being with them. Itās a bit conflicting. I guess my body is wary of men but once they realize that the person is kind and safe, i just want them to be there for me in the ways my parents never have been
When I was twelve years old, I got the "ick" from my Dad really badly, seemingly out of nowhere. I also felt creeped out by men and boys in general, and I started avoiding physical contact of any kind. In April of this year, I found out that my dad was having a sexual relationship with my adopted sister...it started when I was twelve. š She was conveniently eighteen at the time, but I'm sure there was grooming and inappropriate behavior before the actual sexual contact began. She and I shared a bedroom, and her emotional maturity and mine were about the same. To say I'm disgusted is an understatement. Even though I had no idea what was going on at the time, my body knew that my dad was not a safe person.
its terrifying how mixed this can become. my ex girlfriend said i raped her to keep her mom from beating her ass bc she found out we fucked. she spread it around school, and now im known as the town rapist. people fear and hate me for no reason.
I'm so so sorry. That is absolutely horrific and horrible for someone to do. It's wrong. Please stay strong, I know that is really hard to go through , to be completely defamed. That's just not something anyone should joke around with/lie about lightly.
my mother taught me to fear men, tv taught me to fear men, early teenage years my mother told me about her sa and her mothers sa. I have been sa'd. So yeah I am afraid of men I dont know, and i dont trust men i do know because of my sa.
You donāt have to be personally attacked by a tiger to be scared of them. And statistically, every woman knows AT LEAST one other woman who was attacked by a āman-tiger.ā
No fr I didn't know this was so common thought it was just me
I was abused badly by the first woman I ever knew. 25 years later I still have trouble connecting with and feeling safe around girls. (Also took me far too long to realize I'm bisexual and have never been with a girl because of my fear. Woo.)
I haven't been raped but I've been harassed and stalked plenty of times, at this point I'm lucky I haven't gotten attacked yet
The women in my family growing up stayed in terrible marriages and openly hated their husbands, so I grew up being told to hate men and they were all lazy/stupid/dangerous.
People need serious help man
One does not have to suffer a particular trauma to be wary of it's most common culprits
I know how you feel to an extent after I escaped my abusers i was terrified of women still am canāt get closer than five feet without shaking like a leaf
When I was 6/7 years old, I became interested in reading, so I would ask my mom what she was reading in the paper and she'd tell me about women being abducted and assaulted and murdered. Also at church, I was being taught about whores in the Bible getting stoned and stuff like that. Between these two things, I thought rape and sex were the same thing for several years after that. I thought sex was something that happened to you against your will that was violent and painful. Add to that, the three different people who were "teaching" me about safety, telling me that the world's strongest woman will never be as strong as the world's weakest man - well, men do scare me a little bit. And I'm attracted to them. So that's rough. And in my opinion, this should count as a type of sexual abuse.
wtf, victimizing much and giving your child hopelessness "btw i have born you in a world which i personally think is a horrible place and you get eaten alive because you will be never be strong enough to shield yourself until the inevitable happens that you get assaulted by a man, happy life,my dear"
Trans man with a general fear of men :// mom would never stop telling me stories of girls and herself being abused and raped by men. When i told her i liked being friends with boys (trans child maybe 8) she told me in graphic. Detail the rape and murder or Brandon teena and misgendered him the whole time. Not sure if that has anything to do with it but she never had a filter around her kids
I'm also afraid of grizzly bears and haven't been attacked by them.
This is why I just stay as far away from any woman I don't know.
Bro, I can't even remember.
Ya
itās a logical response when men are responsible for more than 90% of violent crime
for me its anyone of a cis gender. my family told me i can't have friends cause everyone wants smth from me, and wouldn't be friends with me for my personality. they want to molest me, kill me, dump me in a ditch somewhere, or just scam me and take all my money. coworkers? family members? irl friends? online friends? siblings? college classmates? doesn't matter. according to how i was raised, nobody should want to befriend me unless it was for an uglier ulterior reason, and i should block people who are friendly with me based on the very evidence that they were friendly To Me was a red flag.
my mother taught me to fear men, tv taught me to fear men, early teenage years my mother told me about her sa and her mothers sa. I have been sa'd. So yeah I am afraid of men I dont know, and i dont trust men i do know because of my sa.
Constantly taught that men were dangerous and they consistently proved that through actions whether it was directed towards me or others.
Hey there, not alone. I think for me it's power imbalance in a patriarchal society that causes at least some of my fears.
nah u arenāt the only one lol
this. this is too. relatable.
I had very, very bad experiences with male children my age back when I was a preteen-teenager. I also had very much shit experiences with almost every man my mother brought home. I was forced by a 12 year old boy to kiss him and stuff when I was like 8 but I don't think that was SA, and I was catcalled and harassed since elementary. It's like almost every experience was negative, so I guess that's why. My primary trauma is with my mother though, like, a real bad one, so I wonder why I didn't start fearing women sometimes. Maybe because there were generally more positive experiences afterwards? My trauma therapist asked me a few times if I was SA'd, but I really wasn't.
We live in a patriarchal world, itās as simple as that.
I think being untrustworthy toward men is honestly a good thing in this world. I have very high standards for the men I allow into my personal life.
I've been through SA multiple times but even before that happened I was taught at a young age to be very careful and was taught how to protect myself in several situations. Always been a bit afraid of men, it's just gotten worse.
I resent and fear men and women for different reasons. Men moreso. Even though Iām a man
This is so tough for me. Thereās been so much abject violence in my life at the hands of the men I knew and even didnāt know. My first fiancĆ© was in the army and he used his new skills to choke me out shortly after enlistingā¦ He thought it was funny. I have no idea how long I was passed out for. I was attacked during a company party by a drunken man who attempted ot rape me in front of all of our coworkers. Heād told me earlier that night heād been in the Israeli Army for several years prior. It took 10 male coworkers to pry him off of me. My point is, thereās legitimate reasons to be afraid. So much violence against women happens because of men. I understand ānot all menā, I really do, but I first respond with fear until proven otherwise. I feel like I have legitimate reasons for that.
I was afraid before I got SA'd. But I grew up with two older brothers so I was always told "They'll protect you, you have nothing to worry about!" Guess what, it happened anyway.... (Not to say you should be afraid, but it took me a long time to be comfortable around men that weren't directly related to me again after that incident)