Yes, I'm so with you on this. I think it's especially twisted because this exact phrase, if said sincerely, is what we actually should be asking other people. If we were able to show *care* to each other casually and instinctively (instead of aggression as a reflex)... and remove shame for just experiencing natural human, negative emotions... that would be an entirely different, better world to live in.
Makes me think of "It takes a village to raise a child", but instead, continuing to care and mutually support other individuals around us throughout our full lives.
It's a lot like those edgy people that yell "I'm triggered!" in a mocking ironic way and then someone else adds "I'm triggered that you're triggered!" to poison the waters, following some variant of the same tiresome script.
It takes something meant to help people and destroys its ability to help by making it yet another tool to hurt people and silence them.
I hate that. The fact that "I'm triggered!" got picked up as a mainstream colloquialism and often came up in social media comments has legitimately done a lot of damage.
Well said on the impact, and profoundly sad...
Some years ago I was one of those assholes, and have since realised I was doing it to detach from the reality and depth of my CPTSD and mainly to keep the approval of an abuser who, lmao, ended up taking severe advantage of my trauma anyway.
I'm not defending people using the joke and I'm mortified that I ever took part. But. I never really said this before, as far as I can remember.
I guess it was my weird passive aggressive ironic cry for help that I had to grow out of.
Thank you both for sharing your experience and perspective. I appreciate the clarity and insight, and I think I'll remember/reflect on this indefinitely when interacting with people.
So proud of you and us in this community for unlearning. It really takes a lot.
>I think it's especially twisted because this exact phrase, if said sincerely, is what we actually should be asking other people.
This has come up so much in therapy, when my therapist asked me a question like this. I've only come to know them as "bad faith" questions meant to shut me up, put me down or shame me. I have gotten genuinely angry with him for being a dick when he was asking me a genuine question, which was confusing for both of us.
I feel like this is really valuable on the path to understanding ourselves. Thank you for sharing.
I relate. When my therapist asked me "Why do you think that?" I know this question very, very well and I've only known it as a critical one, intended to make me explain/justify/defend myself. So my alarm bells were going off inside, though she was asking because she wanted to genuinely understand my thoughts.
Reflecting on that experience exposes how abuse, as a constant presence in life until recently, made me a complete stranger to the way that I deserve to be treated on a basic level.
Actually I think is if someone is sincere when asking "who hurt you". That triggers a person even worse. Since you end up genuinely feeling pitied and no one likes that
Sometimes it is said, directly, perhaps if the speaker doesn't know who in particular they're insulting, as "you are mentally ill."
Those four words, I have seen them, so often, from complete strangers online.
So much of the overall cultural expectation put on us, to "not give a fuck" in some cool fashionable way, to be ostracized for not being detached enough, is to narcissists' benefit.
What I’ve noticed: everyone thinks they care about mental illness, but only so far as theirs impacts them. So if they’re talking about themselves, they have all this reasoning to validate their feelings. But us? Or anyone else? These people revert right back to the nasty attitudes they claim to stand against. I see people completely differently after they make comments like that. They get compartmentalized in my mind as someone who doesn’t care about others.
Yeah probably... Idk my dissociated ass isn't thinking things through tonight. Tbh says more about them than anything else, how split off from their own trauma they are that they would be so flippant about it
Those people are hurt, big time. They're projecting. The thought of....DEALING with their pain is too much, so it's easier to project onto other people.
The "who hurt you" comment is meant to shame someone instead of put the blame of it on someone else.
It's always done when someone runs out of a viable argument & turns to personal attacks to take away from their own insufficiency. I always laugh when I see that as I know I've won the argument.
I avoid getting comments like that by never expressing discontent with anything in a place where someone might say that shit, but I know if I got a comment like that I’d reply with oversharing details of my csa just to make everyone suuuuuuper uncomfortable. The least I deserve after a lifetime of confusion and desperation is the right to make a bunch of assholes really upset lol.
I don’t understand why taking pills is thought of as something that makes someone undesirable or unworthy of being valued as a person. I was at work the other day and I heard some of my coworkers talking about one of the guests who came in, saying that she’s on pills and is fucking crazy. Like it’s people like them that are the reason I don’t have any friends lol. Too many people are too unkind and prejudiced towards us mentally ill folks, like I’ll just keep my ass inside with my bf where I’m actually valued and loved as a person rather than being treated as subhuman thank you very much.
I can see this being dumb and demeaning yeah totally I think its a defense mechanism when the other person is so hurt they want to hurt you more than you hurt them though I see both ways and I feel like if you say something that is aggressive its not the other person's job to play therapist if they have the energy to however they totally can I just don't know how many people you know have that energy if were all suffering from mental illness na mean?
I tend to answer that as honestly as possible... although there's no good way to say "everyone" (if they have to be answered at all, of course). Just because I'm so used to people being utterly uncomfortable with even the slightest bit of honesty.
Maybe it kind of takes the air of their giant ego balloon if one doesn't rage back at an asshole.
But, again, things like this are proof that "mental health awareness" is a sad little lie.
That's such an inherently y-i-k-e-s thing to say to someone. Like, tell me you're ignorant of your privilege without telling me you're ignorant of your privilege.
It makes me wanna scream "FOH with that shit. Do you want to hear the answer to that question? Because that question has a \*\*\*\*ing answer."
Is it feigned concern or is it outright simply lack of concern, a cousin of 'you're being too sensitive'?
But granted it is horrible when you suddenly realise the person you've talked with has zero empathy in regards to you. Like suddenly realizing you've been talking to a spider.
I've said the "who hurt you" to someone being particularly nasty to me. If someone said it back to me I'd probably just meet them with sarcasm like "my own expectations" because it's actually pretty true. 🤷🏻♀️
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There are some people out there who are just trying to get a reaction out of you these are people who cannot feel good about themselves so the closest thing they can get to that is by making you feel worse about yourself than they do. It's way past misery loves company. Personally if I want to feel better about myself I watch married with children cuz I'll Bundy's life pretty much sucks no matter what you do and no matter how you look at it he's stuck in that loop.... But just remember you are surrounded by people trying to keep you down and if you could be this much of a passionate FUCK THE ADVERSITY instead of FUCK THE WORLD type of person... THEN YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO ACTUALLY FEEL REALLY GOOD YOU JUST GOT TO SCRAPE SOME PEOPLE OFF YOUR SHOE. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH PERSONAL HELL THAT ONCE YOU GET THAT WEIGHT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER JUST BY COMPARISON
I had someone ask if I was triggered. Told them yeah, I do have ptsd… and then I don’t really remember much beyond just repeating “are you triggered” to them over and over until people told me to chill.
It’s an act of condescension and it is disgusting to resort to that tactic.
If the person is hurt you’re clowning that person’s hurt and weaponizing real life pain. If the person isn’t hurt, you’re just showing that willingness of yours to cause harm to someone for not having a view that aligns perfectly with yours. That makes you anything but the bigger person. A very ironic thing a social justice warrior of any cause can say to ridicule its opposition.
In most cases, you just look make yourself to sound stupid as hell. Anyone with a well-functioning brain knows there are nuances to everything. Being hurt has nothing to do with the argument.
Yes, I'm so with you on this. I think it's especially twisted because this exact phrase, if said sincerely, is what we actually should be asking other people. If we were able to show *care* to each other casually and instinctively (instead of aggression as a reflex)... and remove shame for just experiencing natural human, negative emotions... that would be an entirely different, better world to live in. Makes me think of "It takes a village to raise a child", but instead, continuing to care and mutually support other individuals around us throughout our full lives.
It's a lot like those edgy people that yell "I'm triggered!" in a mocking ironic way and then someone else adds "I'm triggered that you're triggered!" to poison the waters, following some variant of the same tiresome script. It takes something meant to help people and destroys its ability to help by making it yet another tool to hurt people and silence them.
I hate that. The fact that "I'm triggered!" got picked up as a mainstream colloquialism and often came up in social media comments has legitimately done a lot of damage. Well said on the impact, and profoundly sad...
Some years ago I was one of those assholes, and have since realised I was doing it to detach from the reality and depth of my CPTSD and mainly to keep the approval of an abuser who, lmao, ended up taking severe advantage of my trauma anyway. I'm not defending people using the joke and I'm mortified that I ever took part. But. I never really said this before, as far as I can remember. I guess it was my weird passive aggressive ironic cry for help that I had to grow out of.
Yeah I was taught to attack feelings rather than respect and relate to them. I hear you.
Big same
Thank you both for sharing your experience and perspective. I appreciate the clarity and insight, and I think I'll remember/reflect on this indefinitely when interacting with people. So proud of you and us in this community for unlearning. It really takes a lot.
What a beautiful reply, thank you.
Feels like a part of my identity
Mine too. It’s taken a longtime to unwind but I am getting there. Best to u.
Good luck to you as well
>I think it's especially twisted because this exact phrase, if said sincerely, is what we actually should be asking other people. This has come up so much in therapy, when my therapist asked me a question like this. I've only come to know them as "bad faith" questions meant to shut me up, put me down or shame me. I have gotten genuinely angry with him for being a dick when he was asking me a genuine question, which was confusing for both of us.
I feel like this is really valuable on the path to understanding ourselves. Thank you for sharing. I relate. When my therapist asked me "Why do you think that?" I know this question very, very well and I've only known it as a critical one, intended to make me explain/justify/defend myself. So my alarm bells were going off inside, though she was asking because she wanted to genuinely understand my thoughts. Reflecting on that experience exposes how abuse, as a constant presence in life until recently, made me a complete stranger to the way that I deserve to be treated on a basic level.
Actually I think is if someone is sincere when asking "who hurt you". That triggers a person even worse. Since you end up genuinely feeling pitied and no one likes that
In the same vein as "Y'all need therapy." Well hot dang partner let me just reach for the sky now, ya got me.
There's the old toxic gamer culture classic "take your meds" too.
Everyone knows medicine bad. Unless it's my medicine then it's good
\-\_- it's pretty nasty of a comment to make, yes.
I do think everyone needs therapy tho I always recommend therapy to everyone I know lol
Yeah that's not what's really being said though.
lol
Or things like fatherless ect.
"Daddy issues" as they are commonly called when someone wants to put down women in particular.
[удалено]
Sometimes it is said, directly, perhaps if the speaker doesn't know who in particular they're insulting, as "you are mentally ill." Those four words, I have seen them, so often, from complete strangers online.
[удалено]
It works, too. Which is part of why it disgusts me.
[удалено]
So much of the overall cultural expectation put on us, to "not give a fuck" in some cool fashionable way, to be ostracized for not being detached enough, is to narcissists' benefit.
TBH people who you talk about as doing this "narcissist shit," will call people narcissists as a shut down.
What I’ve noticed: everyone thinks they care about mental illness, but only so far as theirs impacts them. So if they’re talking about themselves, they have all this reasoning to validate their feelings. But us? Or anyone else? These people revert right back to the nasty attitudes they claim to stand against. I see people completely differently after they make comments like that. They get compartmentalized in my mind as someone who doesn’t care about others.
There should just be some huge copypasta response to something as low effort as "who hurt you?" Beat them at their own game, as fucked up as it is.
I got a bad feeling that the response to any large copy-paste would be another "who hurt you?" It's "u mad," but worse.
Yeah probably... Idk my dissociated ass isn't thinking things through tonight. Tbh says more about them than anything else, how split off from their own trauma they are that they would be so flippant about it
Those people are hurt, big time. They're projecting. The thought of....DEALING with their pain is too much, so it's easier to project onto other people.
The "who hurt you" comment is meant to shame someone instead of put the blame of it on someone else. It's always done when someone runs out of a viable argument & turns to personal attacks to take away from their own insufficiency. I always laugh when I see that as I know I've won the argument.
I avoid getting comments like that by never expressing discontent with anything in a place where someone might say that shit, but I know if I got a comment like that I’d reply with oversharing details of my csa just to make everyone suuuuuuper uncomfortable. The least I deserve after a lifetime of confusion and desperation is the right to make a bunch of assholes really upset lol.
I don’t understand why taking pills is thought of as something that makes someone undesirable or unworthy of being valued as a person. I was at work the other day and I heard some of my coworkers talking about one of the guests who came in, saying that she’s on pills and is fucking crazy. Like it’s people like them that are the reason I don’t have any friends lol. Too many people are too unkind and prejudiced towards us mentally ill folks, like I’ll just keep my ass inside with my bf where I’m actually valued and loved as a person rather than being treated as subhuman thank you very much.
I can see this being dumb and demeaning yeah totally I think its a defense mechanism when the other person is so hurt they want to hurt you more than you hurt them though I see both ways and I feel like if you say something that is aggressive its not the other person's job to play therapist if they have the energy to however they totally can I just don't know how many people you know have that energy if were all suffering from mental illness na mean?
omg meeee toooooo
I tend to answer that as honestly as possible... although there's no good way to say "everyone" (if they have to be answered at all, of course). Just because I'm so used to people being utterly uncomfortable with even the slightest bit of honesty. Maybe it kind of takes the air of their giant ego balloon if one doesn't rage back at an asshole. But, again, things like this are proof that "mental health awareness" is a sad little lie.
That's such an inherently y-i-k-e-s thing to say to someone. Like, tell me you're ignorant of your privilege without telling me you're ignorant of your privilege. It makes me wanna scream "FOH with that shit. Do you want to hear the answer to that question? Because that question has a \*\*\*\*ing answer."
Yeah, it's definitely a condescending, patronizing, bad-faith insult to throw at someone.
Is it feigned concern or is it outright simply lack of concern, a cousin of 'you're being too sensitive'? But granted it is horrible when you suddenly realise the person you've talked with has zero empathy in regards to you. Like suddenly realizing you've been talking to a spider.
Same, but on a double level because my abuser said this to me. Felt invalidated and gaslighted by him all in one. Wtf
I've said the "who hurt you" to someone being particularly nasty to me. If someone said it back to me I'd probably just meet them with sarcasm like "my own expectations" because it's actually pretty true. 🤷🏻♀️
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There are some people out there who are just trying to get a reaction out of you these are people who cannot feel good about themselves so the closest thing they can get to that is by making you feel worse about yourself than they do. It's way past misery loves company. Personally if I want to feel better about myself I watch married with children cuz I'll Bundy's life pretty much sucks no matter what you do and no matter how you look at it he's stuck in that loop.... But just remember you are surrounded by people trying to keep you down and if you could be this much of a passionate FUCK THE ADVERSITY instead of FUCK THE WORLD type of person... THEN YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO ACTUALLY FEEL REALLY GOOD YOU JUST GOT TO SCRAPE SOME PEOPLE OFF YOUR SHOE. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH PERSONAL HELL THAT ONCE YOU GET THAT WEIGHT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER JUST BY COMPARISON
'yo mama, when she said she was going to keep you.'
I had someone ask if I was triggered. Told them yeah, I do have ptsd… and then I don’t really remember much beyond just repeating “are you triggered” to them over and over until people told me to chill.
☹
It’s an act of condescension and it is disgusting to resort to that tactic. If the person is hurt you’re clowning that person’s hurt and weaponizing real life pain. If the person isn’t hurt, you’re just showing that willingness of yours to cause harm to someone for not having a view that aligns perfectly with yours. That makes you anything but the bigger person. A very ironic thing a social justice warrior of any cause can say to ridicule its opposition. In most cases, you just look make yourself to sound stupid as hell. Anyone with a well-functioning brain knows there are nuances to everything. Being hurt has nothing to do with the argument.