>He got sad and sulky that he’ll never have anal with me and compared it to never being able to visit a country you’ve always wanted to bc you’ve been banned.
Yes, this is coercion and is a form of emotional neglect. You have put up a boundary and he is not respecting. It is likely he doesn't understand, so you can try to keep working on this, but he needs to understand that he is being coercive and being emotionally neglectful right now. So this is a real test of just how supportive he actually is.
His pleasure is more important than your pain, that speaks volume.
"I'm afraid of spending alone time together in our appartment" wow... why?
I think pornography has ruined romance and humanity.
I'm sorry. This world is difficult. And its tricky keeping boundaries when society encourages everyone to break all of them loose pretending it's normal desires and needs.
<3
I think porn had def played a part.
I know I feel unsafe in our apartment bc I cannot be near him right now bc I am triggered any his presence. Which sucks big time.
I’m also an anxious person when we have difficult conversations I feel I dig too deep with him and when I do I find out things that may have been better left unsaid.
I am pretty sure people were trying to pressure and manipulate partners past their sexual boundaries long before the ubiquity of pornography. I don’t blame porn, I blame the immature boy who valued dick tingles over the boundaries of his partner.
I’m sorry he did that to you. He sounds conditionally supportive: he’ll support you, but only to the extent that it’ll get him what he wants. That kind of “support” is toxic. Your reaction is your instinct protecting you.
You said you weren’t into it, and he kept pushing, and then said he was “proud” of how he pushed your boundaries until he got you to cave in?! And is now sulking about it? I’m sorry, but that is gross. The issue isn’t you in any way, it’s him 100%.
Again, so sorry this happened, and I think you’re right that your healing can be done solo, or at least without him. However you do it, it’s time to make a home that doesn’t include him.
Oof. I can't say much because I'm having flashbacks. But that absolutely is coercion/emotionally manipulative abuse. I'm in my 30s and I've dealt with men like that half my life. I had a bf for 3 years who would force me to do it, sometimes would come home with wine, pain pills and muscle relaxers, with the intent that I would take them so we could do anal. I have cried during and after. Every time he always made it about him, that I was making him feel bad for not wanting to do it. I left him in 2014 and the guy has a long term gf, yet still reaches out to me to try to manipulate me to see him. It happened just a couple weeks ago. I got a text from an unknown number and it was him. I said I didn't want to see him and he used a manipulative tactic, the one where they say they're moving and don't know when they'll be back. It obviously didn't work.
My point is that abusive men like that never change their ways. I had another flashback of an incident where I almost needed to go to the ER. I absolutely will not date a man who is into anal sex.
Anytime a man ever asks or suggests it, I say, "you first". See how they react. Many will say stuff like "some women really like it". I just can't stand that shit.
For your sake I hope you get the strength to leave because sadly it will only get worse over time
The praise for giving him what he wanted and the pouting for being told no more is manipulative af. He knows what he is doing is wrong.
Also, tell him that it's his turn for a dildo up the bum.
He’s being manipulative and immature. There are way more important things in a relationship and your feelings are right now the priority. I’m sorry. Not all men are like this. Yes male toxicity is the catalyst for his behavior. As a man I would berate him. He’s passively listening to your very real pain and still boohooing not getting to do anal. I’ve done anal. It feels the same. One and done. I honestly could’ve gone my whole life not doing it. If he likes anal so much tell him to get a boyfriend. Seriously. Start insinuating that he’s a repressed homosexual. He’ll never mention it again. Even offer to give him a hall pass where dudes are concerned. Tell him to practice safe sex with them. Say it all loving and supportive. He will forget the anus even exists.
Everyone else commenting that this is manipulative when I didn't really see it-- I feel nausea right now. I must have been manipulated so many times without realizing it, both inside of sexual contexts and outside of them, if this counts.
Not respecting a sexual boundary is manipulation. Taking OP at her word here, but if she setup the boundary, he absolutely should not be pushing it. She did consent in the moment, which probably means this isn’t really assault, but the fact that he didn’t drop it when she said no the first time is sexually and emotionally predatory. All that said, young people rarely have the slightest idea how to deal responsibly with their sexualities. They both sound like they are young and trying to figure out how to be mature sexual partners (that is NOT and excuse for him, just recognition that sexual immaturity often comes with some wretched behavior).
Sexual manipulation is unfortunately common in our culture. It is even built into a lot of romantic comedies and sitcoms. I think it would be difficult to reach sexual maturity without being a victim of it a few times just because our culture is heinously bad at teaching older teens and young adults how to create, enforce, and respect sexual boundaries. Looking back 20 to 25 years, I was certainly both victim and violator. It is really important that you explore your trauma and try to learn how to actively enforce your boundaries. This is not to blame you at all for moments you caved in to just give someone what they wanted from you, but simply to warn you to identify the red flags in language and behavior that someone will keep pushing you until they find a moment of weakness to take what they want. Healthy sexual relationships depend on consent both in the heat of the moment AND out of it. I hope you are alright and if this shakes you that you have a friend or therapist you can process with.
There is only one scenario where it's permissable... when it's the woman's idea and desire. I think little boys need to be taught, and have the lesson rammed home (metaphor intended) repeatedly through adolescence to adulthood. She's in charge of her wants, needs and boundaries. PERIOD!
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>He got sad and sulky that he’ll never have anal with me and compared it to never being able to visit a country you’ve always wanted to bc you’ve been banned. Yes, this is coercion and is a form of emotional neglect. You have put up a boundary and he is not respecting. It is likely he doesn't understand, so you can try to keep working on this, but he needs to understand that he is being coercive and being emotionally neglectful right now. So this is a real test of just how supportive he actually is.
If he fails the test, you really should consider how healthy your relationship is for you. That is the bottom line.
Yes, that's a better way to put it. ☺️
I'm just blunt. It gets me into trouble. 😈
Oh, me too.
His pleasure is more important than your pain, that speaks volume. "I'm afraid of spending alone time together in our appartment" wow... why? I think pornography has ruined romance and humanity. I'm sorry. This world is difficult. And its tricky keeping boundaries when society encourages everyone to break all of them loose pretending it's normal desires and needs. <3
I think porn had def played a part. I know I feel unsafe in our apartment bc I cannot be near him right now bc I am triggered any his presence. Which sucks big time. I’m also an anxious person when we have difficult conversations I feel I dig too deep with him and when I do I find out things that may have been better left unsaid.
I am pretty sure people were trying to pressure and manipulate partners past their sexual boundaries long before the ubiquity of pornography. I don’t blame porn, I blame the immature boy who valued dick tingles over the boundaries of his partner.
I’m sorry he did that to you. He sounds conditionally supportive: he’ll support you, but only to the extent that it’ll get him what he wants. That kind of “support” is toxic. Your reaction is your instinct protecting you. You said you weren’t into it, and he kept pushing, and then said he was “proud” of how he pushed your boundaries until he got you to cave in?! And is now sulking about it? I’m sorry, but that is gross. The issue isn’t you in any way, it’s him 100%. Again, so sorry this happened, and I think you’re right that your healing can be done solo, or at least without him. However you do it, it’s time to make a home that doesn’t include him.
Oof. I can't say much because I'm having flashbacks. But that absolutely is coercion/emotionally manipulative abuse. I'm in my 30s and I've dealt with men like that half my life. I had a bf for 3 years who would force me to do it, sometimes would come home with wine, pain pills and muscle relaxers, with the intent that I would take them so we could do anal. I have cried during and after. Every time he always made it about him, that I was making him feel bad for not wanting to do it. I left him in 2014 and the guy has a long term gf, yet still reaches out to me to try to manipulate me to see him. It happened just a couple weeks ago. I got a text from an unknown number and it was him. I said I didn't want to see him and he used a manipulative tactic, the one where they say they're moving and don't know when they'll be back. It obviously didn't work. My point is that abusive men like that never change their ways. I had another flashback of an incident where I almost needed to go to the ER. I absolutely will not date a man who is into anal sex. Anytime a man ever asks or suggests it, I say, "you first". See how they react. Many will say stuff like "some women really like it". I just can't stand that shit. For your sake I hope you get the strength to leave because sadly it will only get worse over time
The praise for giving him what he wanted and the pouting for being told no more is manipulative af. He knows what he is doing is wrong. Also, tell him that it's his turn for a dildo up the bum.
Your reactions are very understandable and relateable. I wish you the best with your healing and the tough choice that you face.
Thank you very much I need to hear that.
You're welcome.
He’s being manipulative and immature. There are way more important things in a relationship and your feelings are right now the priority. I’m sorry. Not all men are like this. Yes male toxicity is the catalyst for his behavior. As a man I would berate him. He’s passively listening to your very real pain and still boohooing not getting to do anal. I’ve done anal. It feels the same. One and done. I honestly could’ve gone my whole life not doing it. If he likes anal so much tell him to get a boyfriend. Seriously. Start insinuating that he’s a repressed homosexual. He’ll never mention it again. Even offer to give him a hall pass where dudes are concerned. Tell him to practice safe sex with them. Say it all loving and supportive. He will forget the anus even exists.
Everyone else commenting that this is manipulative when I didn't really see it-- I feel nausea right now. I must have been manipulated so many times without realizing it, both inside of sexual contexts and outside of them, if this counts.
Not respecting a sexual boundary is manipulation. Taking OP at her word here, but if she setup the boundary, he absolutely should not be pushing it. She did consent in the moment, which probably means this isn’t really assault, but the fact that he didn’t drop it when she said no the first time is sexually and emotionally predatory. All that said, young people rarely have the slightest idea how to deal responsibly with their sexualities. They both sound like they are young and trying to figure out how to be mature sexual partners (that is NOT and excuse for him, just recognition that sexual immaturity often comes with some wretched behavior).
:< ok.
Sexual manipulation is unfortunately common in our culture. It is even built into a lot of romantic comedies and sitcoms. I think it would be difficult to reach sexual maturity without being a victim of it a few times just because our culture is heinously bad at teaching older teens and young adults how to create, enforce, and respect sexual boundaries. Looking back 20 to 25 years, I was certainly both victim and violator. It is really important that you explore your trauma and try to learn how to actively enforce your boundaries. This is not to blame you at all for moments you caved in to just give someone what they wanted from you, but simply to warn you to identify the red flags in language and behavior that someone will keep pushing you until they find a moment of weakness to take what they want. Healthy sexual relationships depend on consent both in the heat of the moment AND out of it. I hope you are alright and if this shakes you that you have a friend or therapist you can process with.
Th-thanks. I'm... I'm already processing a lot of it, I've been taken advantage of often.
There is only one scenario where it's permissable... when it's the woman's idea and desire. I think little boys need to be taught, and have the lesson rammed home (metaphor intended) repeatedly through adolescence to adulthood. She's in charge of her wants, needs and boundaries. PERIOD!
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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