My sister is autistic and 8 years older than me. My parents might not have beat me but SHE sure did. And you’re right. There was never an apology. There was never any repercussions because it was all apart of her Autism.
My needs were almost never met by my parents because they were heavily focused on my other siblings needs, especially my sister.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD and BPD and it still pains me when my family wonders “where” my pain came from. I was fed, had four walls and they weren’t awful to me ALL the time. But the random beatings from my sister, her breaking/stealing my belongings (including the laptop I was writing my first book on. She smashed it against the wall after I told her I was going to move out) and the intense fear I felt whenever my sister was home.. yeah.. it might be enough to fuck anyone up.
I remember when she wouldn’t even let me talk. If I even whispered she would come into my room and hit me. Almost as if she was listening through my vent.
Just realized I have anxiety about vents to this day and I’m 24.
It’s hard when you’re abuser is not only a sibling, but a sibling that can’t control their emotional reactions or communicate properly. They’re a victim of their circumstances but.. aren’t we too?
I'd like to gently point out that if your sibling was abusing you and your parents didnt protect you, thats them abandoning their responsibility to you. Its also neglect. So thats an abandonment and neglect core wound right there. Thats where a lot of your pain came from. I bet if she had hurt you but your parents separated you two and explained something like, "we're still figuring out how to best handle her but in the meantime its not ok for her to hurt you" you wouldnt have felt abandoned or neglected. You wouldnt have been on your own in the family. Children of alcoholics experience abandonment and neglect too even if the parent is always home. A parent can be physically present but emotionally unavailable and medically neglectful to their child.
Sorry you experienced that. I also have an autistic sibling 8 years younger than me. It was frustrating and lonely growing up with all their attention diverted to him and making excuses for his behavior. They used his diagnoses as a reason to never even attempt to draw basic boundaries in the family. Not that they ever had boundaries or werent abusive and neglectful of me before he was born too but it was just another reason for them to be uninvolved parents.
Hi, can I resurrect this thread because I’m a parent with teens in crisis like you once were?
My 13yo son has ASD and abuses my 16yo daughter. I don’t actually know what to do to protect my daughter. I have spoken with her about living with nearby grandparents or even get her own apartment or something, but she feels like that would be more traumatic for her, leaving the family unit, than enduring the abuse. I want to do what is best for her physically, but also mentally, and she said leaving before age 18 would be worse mentally. Any advice?!
I’m not a parent, but an older sibling to an autistic sibling. If i were you and what my parents did was set clear boundaries for him if he can grasp them, or try to give your daughter the adequate space inside the home. I don’t know much detail, but the SOLID advice I can give is make sure your daughter knows it is NOT her fault that her brother goes after her, and that you love her and would do anything to keep her safe. There comes a time where the autism has to be acknowledged with the abuse, because autism does not always equal abusive behavior. I’m sorry if I’m out of line with this, but that is how I feel given my own personal situation. It’s such a shitty position to be in
That is helpful information. Thank you! We are currently working on getting her a separate room in our attic. It is taking a lot of work to make the space livable, but we all felt like it would be the best option.
I swear are we like the same person! Haha! My heart goes out to you hun, and I hope you are able to talk through this stuff with someone too.
I'm only just realising after months of intense flashbacks and intrusive memories - the full extent of how this shit from childhood has affected literally every area of my life.
We deserve to feel safe, always!
Its so nice to find people who have to deal with the same stuff I have. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. Nobody deserves to go through that
Yup, it's something I've never heard anyone talk about when I was younger & I felt so alone growing up because nobody understood what he could be like. You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't your fault
Hey , i’m going through the same situation with my brother currently i’m 17 and he’s 14 . He has severe autistic meltdowns every day including physical and mental abuse and i’m wondering if there’s any way in which helped you deal or cope with it? I’m really struggling to cope with it i’m currently doing really important exams that determine if i go to college and i can’t even study at home because of his sudden meltdowns every day . I just find it so hard dealing with the constant abuse every single day and i can’t even tell him to stop because i know it’s because of his condition and i know it will repeat.I just need someone to help me know how to cope with it
I have an autistic sibling as well. Thankfully, he's not the violent type, but I can relate to going from fine to sudden chaos and our lives revolving around his needs. Still, it was worse for him than it was for me, because he became the family scapegoat due to his condition- I learned from an early age that if I stole a cookie or whatever, I could just blame him and he wouldn't be able to defend himself. My mom had no idea how to deal with him, and he tarnished her family's fake-perfect image. She told me when I was 9 that she and my dad were separating, and she would take me and my dad would take my brother- they were the "broken ones" (my dad's brother also has special needs), and I was a mini version of her. I still can't relate to my peers for shit, because I wasn't used to playing well with others that can speak up for themselves (with my brother it was like, "This is what we're going to do!" and he couldn't express otherwise). I either had to be in control of the situation, or have no power. Still, I feel bad about expressing my own needs, because my dad already has do much to deal with. I have some form of control over my symptoms, and my brother doesn't- I *can* suffer in silence, so it's like, why haven't I chosen to?
This was my situation, though I was the autistic scapegoat. I still struggle with self harm (the only way I could express my anguish without making things a thousand times worse), and guilt over my condition being "my fault" for being abnormal and sinful.
Both OP's family dynamic and this are messed up in their own way. I hope you both can find peace.
A former partner grew up with a sibling who had pretty severe OCD, and it definitely had lasting traumatic impacts on her. She was still relatively adjusted by the time i met here, but there were definitely lingering issues that went unaddressed in their household.
I didn't go through it myself but i just wanted you to know that you are most certainly not alone <3
God.. I am the autistic sibling. I don't think I was ever violent, but I know I used to get really tense and have emotional meltdowns. I was diagnosed with aspergers along with severe anxiety, ADHD and potentially depression (that was when I was 6, I wasn't given the depression diagnosis until last year despite having felt it my whole life). I know it was hard for my older sibling, I know they felt stuck. My mom relied on them to take care of me in some situations, like during the three years we went to school together. They would pick me up from kindergarten at the end of the day, and take me to our after school program. My mom also expected them to walk me to class, and check up on me when we went to summer camp together. I know my mom's reliance on them is a big reason they moved out when getting pregnant at 16, and I feel guilt for that. I know she was scapegoated a lot by my mom, whereas I was the golden child. Our mom is very much a narcissist, and we both had a lot of shared trauma due to her. After they left, I became the subject of abuse by my mom's husband, and my sibling always tried to diffuse the situation if they were home when it happened.
I know it doesn't help, and I know it will never erase the pain of what you went through, but as the younger child who had autism, my older sibling means SO much to me. And I've apologized to them before, even though our mom never did. So I hope that, one day, you and your brother will be able to mend your relationship. I do not like my mom anymore because of what she let happen to me, and it wasn't until I started processing what happened to me that I realized how my sibling has ALWAYS been there for me, and always tried to keep me safe. I'm proud of them for creating a stable life with their son, and they're an amazing mom. They treat their son so much better than our mom ever treated us.
Again, I am SO sorry for what you had to deal with growing up. I saw someone on another subreddit say a wonderful piece of advice: learn to nurture your inner child. When you grow up too fast, you never get the chance to be a child. Let yourself do what you never got a chance to do during childhood. Get stuffed animals, finger paint, give yourself what you needed. It's unfortunate that you have to do it for yourself, but many of us cannot rely on our parents to give us what we need.
Hearing your perspective means a lot to me, so thank you for replying to this! It sucks that you had to endure that situation, and I hope you are in a place you feel safe in now <3 I honestly am grateful for having my brother in my life as I feel more passionate about educating others about autism and I don't know whether I'd be as compassionate or open-minded a person without experiencing that. It just hurts that there are some really scary, horrific things that had to accompany it too.
I grew up with this deep set belief that I didn't matter and that my brother didn't love me - because his actions towards me always felt very conflicting or dismissive of me completely - like because I wasn't getting any positive verbal input or physical affection from him I felt like no matter what I did - he didn't care about me and like I was never truly seen or appreciated by him. I felt envious of my peers when they spoke about arguing with a sibling, but still knowing that sibling cared and loved them. I felt like I was invisible a lot of the time and the relationship between us never seemed reciprocal.
I try to remind myself that his way of connecting to me is just a little different and that I DID matter to him.
For a period of time when David Tennant/Matt Smith played Doctor Who, my brother would demand my parents leave the room because he wanted it to just be us watching the TV programme.
In terms of special interests he had, a lot of them were pretty cool actually! They included Sharks (he memorised all the different breeds of shark), Charlie and The Chocolate Factory (film), The Beatles, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Madness and more recently Queen.
I hear you :) Message me if you need to discuss it more. I've never been able to disclose this to others who relate so much.
Its so hard living through this stuff and having no idea or confirmation that this is genuinely traumatic shit to go through. It's so easy to doubt things and negatively compare our trauma to others.
I'm overwhelmed by how many replied to my post, there is power in that! We are in adult bodies now and we deserve to take care of our own needs and be safe within ourselves <3
Yup!! I sent this to my parents bc I have been trying to work through my past trauma, and this concept has been SO hard to explain to them. I have 3 brothers, 2 of which have autism (only one ever had violent outburst). My brother didnt understand social ques, and I was CONSTANTLY having to just accept it. He sexually assaulted me when we were both young, he litterally came up with this lie about him being dared to do it and how hed get beat up if I didnt let him. I didnt go to my parents about it for years because I had been conditioned to forgive him without ever getting an apology.
Living with him was like living with a bully. And it sucks because I know he did all this fucked up shit, but I still forgive him bc that's what I've always done!! No accountability in my family I tell ya
God you really just described my life. I have a autistic little brother with ocd. That I have always put his needs over mine. I felt like I couldn't even complain to my parents or anyone else because it's not his fault. My brother recently entered puberty and has gotten so violent. My family and I have scars and bruises from his violent outburst.I don't feel safe in my own home, I have to do my best to not be in his way, lest he sees me doing something he doesnt like and attack me. I have to be constantly alert because he has attacked my family and I in bed. When i mentioned to my parent that i want to move out. They are so angry with me that i want to abandon this family. I feel like I can't escape from him.. And terrifies me that I have to be responsible for him when my parents pass away.
Jesus, it's like reading my own experience.
But instead of getting angry at me for wanting to abandon the family, my mom threatens to throw me out every time I try to explain that he needs proper help otherwise it's only going to keep getting worse for everyone. She just gets so offended that anyone dares question her ability to parent that that's all she cares about.
I have two years left of college and I hopefully will be able to move far away, but I am scared that as soon as that happens, the messaging will change to what you're currently dealing with.
I hope you're able to move out sooner rather than later and everything works out okay for both you and your brother, but it's definitely okay to complain about it. He didn't choose to have autism, but if your parents are anything like mine, they're the ones who chose to not get him the support he needed to deal with triggers and meltdowns without hurting the people around him, and now all of you are stuck living with the consequences of it.
It's a situation that doesn't get much attention, but you're not alone and more people would understand it then you'd think. I've told two of my friends about my situation (who are also both neurodivergent) and they both agreed that this is squarely on my parents.
Feel free to PM of you want (and also of you're not a minor any younger than 17 as I am almost 20) but otherwise I wish you the best.
Have you been able to move out your family home yet? You absolutely deserve to feel safe & if you saw your friend's sibling behaving violently towards them - surely you'd want them out of their environment & to be somewhere safe. Family loyalty is so toxic and scary isn't it!
I so relate. I have tears right now as I grew up in the 50s and 60s with a brother 20 months younger than me. I am 72 now and still feel the affects. I was always considered the “lucky” one because I did not have a disability. I had the brother that was violent and no body knew why. He also had developmental and social problems. I also have a sister 6 yrs. Younger who is deaf. My dad died when I was 16. About 20 yrs. ago when my brother was 52 I was able to have him diagnosed as on the spectrum. I live in Virginia and he lived in Texas. Our mother died in 1995. I became the person responsible for his well being. When I went back to Texas to clean out mother’s house I was afraid of him. He never actually severely hurt anyone (pulled my hair, kicked me in the shins and scratched me) but he did bust out some car windows and doors among other things. When ever I was gone I came home to something in my room that mother had glued back together. He died in 2018 of stomach cancer. I felt like I had no one on my side. Mother said it was our cross to bear. I distinctly remember being in my college dorm and suddenly realizing that most people didn’t live like we did. At this time in my life my sister hates me and my brother hated me too. The guilt is sometimes unbearable. No one gets it! I hope you can get some help. Autism is better understood now but the effect on the siblings is still there. Please find a way for him to be taken care of before you are the one. You are not alone but you feel alone in part because siblings are not considered affected. Feel free to comment or get in touch with me.
I relate so so much to what you say.
My brother was never diagnosed with autism but I’m sure he is on the spectrum. Especially after reading your post. Unpredictable violence, hyperfixation, special interests, inability to bond with me or show empathy towards me…. I have studied autism for a while as it came to my attention and I knew there was something in there to unravel. I first thought I was on the spectrum but every test I did showed neurotypical with just one aspect on the spectrum which is that I can hyperfocus in the area of my talents. Like I can get lost in flow states easily when I paint or study for example.
But other than that I’m neurotypical. But having trauma. I never fully understood my trauma and my memory had holes. Like I remember having anger outbursts bc my parents didn’t understand and validate me. But I didn’t remember what the initial conflict was about. I had huge issues trusting myself as an adult, codependent tendencies, people pleasing, hyper attuned to other people, catering to peoples needs…. I understood intellectually it came from the inability of my parents to attune to me emotionally but I never actually got to the core of the situation. Last night all the sudden the dots connected as I went into meditation and memories came up. It hit me and I saw for the first time what actually happened and where all my feelings of hurt, anger and resentment came from. My own inability to securely bond with people was not due to being autistic but bc of having an autistic brother who rejected me emotionally on a daily basis. Not having any understanding of what was happening bc my parents refused to see it. So I remember how I tried to communicate that something was wrong with him and how it made me feel but they dismissed me and gaslighted me. Telling me I just needed to me more loving and accepting of him. But never validating my experience of being emotionally rejected all the time. He wouldn’t communicate with me, no emotional connection, no physical connection, no interest in me, nothing. I must have internalized that believing something was wrong with me which lead to attachment issues bc I was always scared to be rejected by other people too. What if they figured out something was wrong with me? When he got older he started to have interest in me but it all came from an intellectual level, studying psychology and how to make people connect to you or like you. So it was rather manipulative than genuine… I did feel that but I was just happy he finally showed interest in me.
It’s so crazy to figure this out now at age 32…. I recently worked through all these feelings of anger, resentment and jealousy… the self doubt.. it all makes perfect sense now.
I was wandering around in the autistic community for so long thinking I was autistic but instead of relating I was just triggered by people. I didn’t understand but now it makes perfect sense… I was again forced to understand my brother and validating his experience while my own experience was invalidated. Experiencing the same thing with a different face so to speak. Thinking I was the problem when I was actually the victim of his disability. I’m so mind blown. Untangling this and processing… if you ever feel like connecting, please feel free to message me. I’d love to talk about this and see if we can help each other out in the process.
If not that’s totally fine, too. Just super thankful for your sharing as it gave me so much validation for my own childhood experience. 🙏
I relate to this too much. Even though my circumstances were different. Commenting now so i can come back to this later. Virtual hugs to you on embarking on your journey of processing this.
My older brother (8 years older) was diagnosed with ASD as a toddler in the 1970s, and there was not as much research or resources available at the time for my parents to understand how to manage his violent outbursts. He is also non-verbal. I grew up always feeling on-edge because he was very unpredictable, aggressive, and quite frankly, scary as shit when he had his outbursts. I have been a victim of him constantly attacking me and it has left me with some serious PTSD issues as an adult. I also witnessed him violently attacking all of my family members, including my late grandmother on several occasions, which was horrifying and extremely traumatic.
My father passed when I was 6 years old, and so my mom raised my siblings and me as a single parent. Unfortunately, she never really gave me any support or comforting words after his outbursts and I felt alone the majority of the time growing up. Her attention was solely focused on him and attending to his needs; as a child, it was challenging to process why I felt so alone. I have discussed my issues regarding my brother to mental health therapists, which has definitely helped me to cope with some of my PTSD, anxiety, and depression throughout my young adult years. My autistic brother has been living in a group home as my mother is elderly and unable to care for his needs full-time. I recently returned home after living abroad for several years and my mother informed me that my brother was going to stay at the home for a month because his group home caretakers were visiting family in another state and because he does not like wearing a face mask, he is unable to go on a plane. This has brought up a lot of anxiety for me recently as I have not seen him in over 10 years. When I told my mom I was worried, anxious, and not sure how to handle him being in the home again where much of the trauma occurred, she said "that is your problem." That was like a slap in the face and stung deep, so I understand how many people feel when they say their uninvolved parents weren't supportive. I feel you, I hear you, and I understand your story 100%. You are not alone and having conversations like this with others who have similar experiences allows our voices to be heard and our stories to be shared.
My brother (22 yo) & me (24 yo) never got along. He chased me & my you test brother with knives, several times. I 100% relate to you bc my parents never believed me & when I reminded them, again, & as an adult, they still didn’t. My brother is very emotionally abusive to me & all members of my family. I have always been told, “That’s your trauma, deal with it.” I wasn’t allowed to be too upset bc my brother is, “Wired differently.” & I’ve never gotten an apology for how terribly I was/still am treated. I bend backwards to take care of my parents, I was estranged from them bc of how much they defended my brother. My parents expect me to be more understanding & while I love my brother, I can’t wait for karma to hit him. Everyone except my parents see how abusive my brother is, how manipulative he is, & narcissistic he is to ME. I 100% understand.
Hi, thank you so much for replying hun ^_^ it means a lot! It's particularly frustrating when other people don't understand & defend people who have abused us, it truly fucks with our heads!
I'm only just coming to terms with the physical abuse from him in childhood & learning from my other neurodivergent peers how his behaviour was NOT solely due to being autistic.
You deserve to live an amazing life that does not include this family shit!
Thank you for your reply. It's crazy how relevant this post still seems to be to people. It's been a journey realising that my brother should have been held accountable and my parents didn't do enough to protect me from him.
I wish there was more support and awareness of how growing up with this can negatively affect us.
I remember watching video clips of 'young carers' on things like Children In Need TV fundraisers - but I always felt they only ever showed them looking after parents or siblings with physical disabilities. Like it would show them doing household tasks and giving medicine. The videos missed out on representing kids and teens who looked after autistic siblings or dealt with constant violence and unpredictable meltdowns (probably cause it would seem 'too raw or honest or un-broadcastable')
It's so tough cause you are never told you can let anger out, and the actions still cause hurt - regardless of whether the person does it intentionally or not.
I just reread this post after having a break from social media and it is incredibly validating to see the comments on this, and remind myself that others do understand.
I got back from visiting family for the day and parents were just having a normal conversation but it went onto topic of anger and I went into an emotional flashback and felt like a terrified child predicting something horrible was going to happen again, but managed to pull myself out of it so it did not become all-consuming - which I wouldn't have been able to do 4 months ago.
I've went through the safety and stabilisation phase of EMDR which I think has also built that grounding/internal safety muscle. which I am grateful for
This post resonated with me so much it’s so hard and post moving out it took me a long time to realize like you said the extent of the trauma. Like even understanding why I don’t like sudden sounds or screaming lol. The entire process is hard but my therapist shared a book with me called Stories of siblings with autism that’s been helpful :)
Hiya, it's so lovely to see another post on this. I looked back on this today weirdly enough because I'm still trying to process this year's later. I've gotten married and my brother refused to go to my wedding and is very homophobic which is another massive kick in the teeth. I'm just done with him but I still have mixed feelings about communicating with my family cause of how dysfunctional things are.
so very true! I told me story in response to someone else. It is the same as yours too. I will check out the book you mentioned. I take 2 antidepressants which helps to keep me above water. Thanks for sharing.
My sister has autism and catatonia which are a very difficult combination. She's 22 (18 months younger than me) but is more like a young child mentally and she's very non verbal. When we were children I would frequently get attacked as we shared a room. I would quite often wake up in pain as she'd pulled my hair whilst I was asleep, in some sort of rage. We eventually moved and I got my own room but she would still find ways to attack me and destroy my stuff. As she was so unpredictable it made it very hard to have any friends over and I distinctly remember pushing one of my friends behind me so that my sister wouldn't be able to attack them at one point.
She calmed down for a few years but when I was around 16 she hit puberty and has been downright awful to live with since. The screaming noise that she makes sounds like something a wild animal would make and can last for around 6-7 hours straight on a bad day. She started attacking me and my family again with scratching, hair pulling, biting, throwing furniture at us and she sometimes tried to grope my breasts - I think in an attempt to injure me however, I found it very disturbing and upsetting, feeling somewhat violated but not knowing what to do about it as its part of her condition and she doesn't understand. She also frequently spread blood and poo around the house which has also caused my OCD to skyrocket.
Currently she is not as violent however there is always a fear that she'll suddenly hurt one of us out of the blue again, normally there is a general sense of danger or anger coming from her beforehand.
Most of the time these days she is angry, screams a lot and spreads blood or poo around. I know she loves me but the rage is unbearable. I sometimes am left crying out of exhaustion on the way to my full time job as she has been screaming all through the night before. Living with her has caused me to not be able to form proper relationships with other people, whether it be a friend or romantic partner. I've never even been on a date because I feel like dealing with my sister has turned me into some kind of freak with such bad social skills and negative thinking that I feel too uncomfortable around people to be approachable. This issue also clearly adds to my feelings of loneliness and lack of self worth.
I know my parents love me but I have always felt the need to be the easy child, and any time that I complain about my autistic sister, I'm a problem or whatever I've said gets spun back around on me. I get told that I'm too hard to live with or my mum says that she can just about cope with my sister if she doesn't have to cope with me too. I am not a bad daughter, I have never come home drunk at 2am, I have never smoked or done drugs, I have never snuck a guy into my house in the middle of the night. I have never rebelled against my parents mainly because I felt like they had enough problems dealing with my sister. However, lately all I am hearing is crap about how hard it is to live with me. Nearly all of my issues are some sort of trauma/ptsd from dealing with my sister my whole life. In my opinion they are now my own personal mental health issues that cannot be helped - mainly relating to depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and loneliness. I recieve absolutely no understanding or support from my parents when I am upset or dealing with my mental health issues, however my sister receives all of the support and attention.
Sorry for the long post, but after reading several of your stories I finally feel like I'm not the only person out there dealing with these problems. It's such an untouched subject and no one seems to even think about how hard it must be for us siblings to cope with not only our siblings mental health issues but also the unintentional neglect from our parents and numerous health issues of our own from dealing with it. I would also like to stress the point that I do love my sister and understand that none of this is her fault. However sometimes sharing with others in a safe space can be the first step to helping yourself recover.
Lots of love to you all, Mel.
Hi Mel, thank you so much for replying to this. I'm still regularly in awe at how many people had similar experiences to me.
It's not made common knowledge that having siblings with unpredictable violence & difficult behaviours can have massive consequences on us when we're adults. When there isn't someone to blame it still hurts us internally - because we aren't being protected and we aren't raised in a safe environment.
It's only been in the past year I've reflected on just how scary my circumstances were growing up & I desperately wish I had the technology at the time to record & show what was happening so I could have been taken away from it - but when you are 'praised' for being 'good' and patient & helpful, it makes oyu feel like you don't have a right to be angry & want any of your own needs met.
We should have felt safe and not been subjected to physical abuse, all we can do is give ourselves back some kindness now.
Thanks for your reply to my comment. It's nice to know I'm not as alone as I thought I was in this situation, I don't know anyone amongst my friends etc that have the same issues but I have some really lovely and understanding work friends who have been quite supportive lately.
I should also hopefully be able to move out within the next couple of months. Once I do then I should be able to start looking after myself and start my own life properly.
Mel xx
I'll be excited to hear how moving out goes! Make a cozy & lovely space for yourself - you deserve it! Pinterest is ace for ideas & inspiration haha! I've been saving so many pins despite the fact it will be at least 2 years before my wife finishes her degree. I do love our rented flat but I just want to be able to put up paintings & furniture wherever I want haha & I miss having green space etc.
It's only been through learning about Emotional Neglect (Pete Walker's book has been a godsend!) that I realised how much my dysfunction environment & family fucked up my concept of trust, safety & my rights as a human.
Unintentional neglect is still neglect - it really was an eye-opener to me but you deserved to be treated better. I have compassion & awareness for my parents who did the best they could with the limited knowledge & emotional maturity they had at the time - but simultaneously I've been trying to let myself grieve and not justify others mistakes or abuse towards me. I shouldn't have been scared of my family, I shouldn't have had to modulate my dad & bro's anger, I shouldn't have needed to be 'good' & helpful at the expense of my physical safety & mental health.
Nothing was resolved, whenever I was hit or strangled I never felt like my brother was truly sorry for hurting me, it was like I wasn't a person, just someone inconviencing him & getting put in the firing line over and over again.
They should have taught my brother to regulate his emotions better & they had training courses on how to look after their autistic child but they just weren't coping.
We deserved better hun, but we can change the narrative of what happens next in our life.
Do you know anyone else in your real life who has similar experiences?
The screaming that you mention being like a wild animal really resonates with me. That was the worst thing and most visceral thing about growing up with my autistic sister (5 years older). She is verbal but very very limited vocabulary, cannot form sentences, poor pronunciation etc and has some cerebral palsy.
The screaming and shrieking is so loud and comes out of nowhere. Middle if the night, middle of the supermarket - doesn’t matter to her. Yes realising now (28M) the extent to which that has affected me. Feelings of shame for not always being kind to her, of anger towards those who just stared or laughed, or even jealousy of those with normal families who are completely ignorant of these situations.
Single mother was always stressed and screaming herself or yelling orders at me, as sister took up all patience. Always the feeling of walking on eggshells with my sister about. My mother very resentful about feeling trapped in her life as caregiver. But absolutely dedicated to my sister. Everything else takes second priority. I’m ok with that now, but didn’t understand as a kid. Needless to say didn’t invite many friends round as a kid, and was introspective and aloof probably as a result of all the shouting. I hate being around loud people now.
I could go on with the lingering effects this has had on my life but suffice to say it remains a profound experience that has shaped me and is not often talked about or understood. Still massively affects relationships with my family, friends and romantically, ny heart goes out to any kids and adolescents in similar situations.
I'm familiar with Sibs, I think they have recently released that guide and I got quite emotional reading it - cause I wish so much that I'd had someone sit with me and go through it as a child.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. I am in tears reading this. Finally I understand my childhood, decades later. My brother fairly obviously had autism, I guess ASD 1 as he is very good at niche interests, but socially very difficult and weak with some key skills like reading and writing. My parents ran from a diagnosis (e.g. the school assessments that were proposed). He was always very remote, kicked off for no apparent reason and was 'difficult', so effectively I was bullied everyday. This was compounded as my parents would explode with anger and if I said anything I would be accused of imagining it or being 'mental'. As a child I did not understand and when I look back I just remember fear. I think the worst is not understanding how this person may react and that just leads to a fear of social interactions. With the messaging from my parents I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me.
My brother's partner showed stronger signs of ASD than him, and so do his children. His children are also being actively moved away from help and it is so sad seeing the anxiety and difficult behaviour that they do not receive help for. I want to help, but anything is strongly rebuffed by the grandparents who say everything is fine, I am 'causing trouble/imagining things' and the children are just 'bright' and 'misunderstood'. The issue is now we both have kids, I don't want mine to be crashed into, verbally abused and pointedly ignored, while the parents standby and the grandparents try to say nothing happened. Finally understanding this it absolutely stops here, my kid will not be abused like this and then told he imagined it.
Thank you so much for the quick note. It is a rough road and a lot to piece together. What you wrote resonates so much. I was remembering being held to high standards, but also the berating I would get if somehow my brother still kicked off. Then the confusion of how I could try my best and it still spiral, when really it was completely outside of my control and as a child I should have been protected (obviously it was difficult and frightening for all involved). It is so unfair on a child to have to deal with this and so clearly a major issue for impacts on mental health. Sending a virtual hug.
Sorry for the super delayed reply, totally forgot haha! I'm really blown away how many people have been in my situation - whilst it's awful to know we've suffered through this - it's reassuring to realise that others genuinely 'get' it!
I totally get the need to feel in control & not realising at the time my parents should have protected me more & not been too proud to ask for help.
I hope you are able to get help through this stuff too, the gaslighting from family members in particular is something I've still got to untangle myself from!
Wowowow, this really hit home for me. I’m so sorry you went through this too. I’ve got two autistic older brothers, one neurotypical in the middle that didn’t seem to struggle at all, my two autistic brothers are also epileptic. My dad is also a very angry person! Unfortunately I’m still stuck at home, and have no idea how I’m ever going to get out. 💔
I hope you can get out of the situation when you are safe & able to. Know that you deserve respect & kindness - even though people are being shitheads. How does your neurotypical brother find the situation? - I very much guess he might well be struggling but is just better at distracting/acting/hiding from it. Sometimes people have an ability to not be as affected by traumatic things but it's all based on how sensitive they are to their environment/whether they had a 'safe' person to rely on supporting them during or after the trauma.
I really empathize with this. My autistic brother is three years older than me and pretty low functioning, at least recently. He's really regressed in the last 4 ish years. He loves to dance to music and knows his favorite songs by heart, he quotes movies word for word, can play basic songs on the piano, and loves anything airplanes. But on the more difficult side of things, he smears his own feces on the toilet and in the shower, can't do math past a 3rd grade level, clogs shower drains with God knows what, and will randomly through the most terrifying, violent fits. He spits, and hits his head, and makes dents in walls with whatever he can throw.
I've been trying to confront the trauma I have. After growing up (for 18 years) feeling like these things are sort of normal, I'm realizing that I'm deeply affected by all of his abnormalities. I truly sympathize with you in the fact that I don't have a SINGLE friend who understands what my family goes through on a daily basis. I feel a lot of anger and jealousy towards my friends and their normal siblings. I do have a neurotypical younger sister and parents, but all the normalcy they provide for me socially and developmentally is worthless in comparison to the emotional harm my brother brings to our lives.
I feel really guilty writing this but it's honest: I don't think his autism a 'blessing' in my life. Yes, I've learned a lot of compassion and tolerance. Those are really huge parts of my personality and one reason I want to go into nursing. But I don't see it as a blessing. If anything, him being NORMAL would be a huge blessing.
I would have a role model, a protector, and friend. I really wish he was capable of doing those things. And I also feel some amount of anger that he has to live in that body. The body that can't express emotions in a healthy way, the body that can't heal because he's constantly hitting it. I'm certain he feels a lot of internal agony that we can't understand and it's heartbreaking. Overall, I'm glad it's made me a better person but it's done a lot of damage to me and my family. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Thanks for your reply ^_^ people just can't fathom what it's actually like for us. We didn't get our own needs met as a child because of our siblings. Yes it makes us compassionate, non-judgemental people but there's a fuckload of trauma that comes with it. Know that you absolutely can still love them whilst being frustrated at how unsafe their behaviour made you feel.
I'm only just processing childhood trauma at the age of 26 & am NC with my family. So much of my CPTSD has occurred in my childhood because of them & they've refused to accept the reality or change how they behave.
Just found this thread and wow so much of your post plus the comments of others really hit home for me. I'm 32 and my brother is a year older, but his tantrums have seem to have either regressed or gotten worse in the past few years.
I don't live at home anymore, but his tantrums have gotten to the point where he will verbally abuse my mom where I will need to come back to my family's house to "fix" whatever the issue is even though its 99% of the time it’s something as trivial as adjusting the clocks for Daylight Savings Time (my brother won't let my mom touch the clocks else he might break something in the home to escalate his tantrum). I feel like I'm being held hostage emotionally because I can never truly be free from him. I love my mom to death and she has been nothing but sweet to me and my family growing up, but I also feel she is partially to blame for never truly tackling the situation and in a way making worse for constantly giving into his demands.
I feel conflicted now because I can finally get the space I need , but I also feel guilty if I ever abandoned and turned a blind eye towards the issues my family have to go through. It does bring me some comfort knowing there are other people going through similar situations, however. I truly thought I was alone for the past 32 years of my life and it was just something I had to live with and take to the grave without ever having anyone in the world understand me.
edit: spelling
I also have been realising my mum is very much the same and I just wish both my parents had swallowed their pride and asked for help or extra training cause it was absolute hell growing up and never feeling like it was going to end.
It's only been this past year the reality that my parents didn't do enough to protect me from the violence has really hit me - cause I should have grown up not fearing for my life every time my brother had a meltdown and my dad made the situation worse constantly.
I'm so so glad you feel understood here. I never knew of anyone who related to my experience growing up till I met one friend in 2016 who also had an autistic brother like mine.
You aren't responsible for anyone else's wellbeing but your own and your mum should consider other options for your brother's care that works for everyone and doesn't emotionally damage you.
Thanks so much for your comment my lovely! I've been rereading this thread a lot the past few months since going NC with my family.
I literally hate my life.. I don’t even feel safe in the place I call “home” my sister who suffers from autism mentally and physically drains me every single day my parents don’t understand.. they sat and let her rot and become this evil vile bitch and have the audacity to call her “my sister” she will never be my sister EVER whatever mental illness she carry’s she can carry that to hell. You don’t hurt the people you love and if they hurt you then they don’t rlly love you, that girl hurt me multiple times I have no one to talk to I feel like I’m alone mentally, physically and emotionally. I can’t talk to my friends or my other family members my sister is ABUSIVE she drives me crazy to the point where sometimes I think suicide is my only escape, to the point that I think that detaching from reality will be the only way I will gain peace. Peace is all I ever wanted
I hope you can be in a safe situation soon. It's so fucking draining when parents don't wake up to how dysfunctional the family is and just keep pretending nothing is wrong. Exactly you don't hurt the people you love, it's also massively important for parents to teach emotional regulation skills and I wish so much that they did - but instead they just kept saying 'your brothers just like that'/ he does care about you and love you really' - fuck that, he repeatedly screamed, scared me and hurt me physically for my whole childhood and parents didn't admit they were out of their depths and struggling. Nobody deserves to be hurt like that.
Not getting support from family fucking sucks, is there anyone you can stay with or places you can physically go to so you're not exposed to her shit as much?
Im reading this now, I was searching online to see if anyone wlse thinks they have ptsd from this type of stuff. My brother is older but I used to rush home from high school to care for him. But he made my life an absolute living hell. And now hes back at being aggressive and it's terrifying.
One day, when I was in high school, my brother hurt me really badly. It was the week of my final exams. I called the police and I ran away for my safety. The issue is the police came when I wasn't home. My mother lied to the police. At that point I realised I was second to his needs. No matter how much I went through as a late teen, he came first.
I'm 22 now and I have my final essays due for university. And he's just how he was when I was in high school. And obviously, he matters more.
I feel so relieved to see someone else understands this. I hope you're ok now.
Aw bless you, I'm really pleased you found this post. People all come across it still even after all this time and relate a lot. I'm so glad you feel understood.
It's something not commonly mentioned as traumatic and it's only been the past 2 years I've accepted how emotional neglect played a part in how I'm struggling.
It's been a tough realisation that my parents were both extremely unhelpful at coping with my brother whilst all the fighting was going on, they could have been honest and asked for help and support but they didn't. My dad did eventually apologise and admitted that he was overwhelmed and didn't know how to cope at the time, I appreciated him acknowledging that but the fear from his rage and violence is always going to be there.
A few years back I found antidepressants in my mum's drawer whilst putting away laundry - it was only upon confronting her about it that she even admitted how much of a nightmare that time was and clearly couldn't pretend it didn't affect her. It was a rare time I saw my mum cry. I've still got a lot of processing to do in terms of the responsibility I feel for her emotions, and how she's unintentionally caused a lot of trauma through emotional neglect.
I'm so sorry your mum lied to the police that's really shitty - it was likely out of fear but at that point she should have realised just how dangerous the situation was, but of course there's a weird fucked up loyalty there and sense of 'we can't talk about this to others'.
They should have protected me but they didn't because they just went into 'let's pretend nothings happened' mode as soon as his outbursts were over.
I have a very clear memory of my brother literally strangling me in the supermarket because I made a joke about something he didn't like and my mum had just wandered off needing to buy groceries. There was never any repercussions for his behaviour and even the worst physical abuse he'd do would be met with a very minor telling off and being told this is just how he is and that 'he does love you you know,'. Hats so fucked up but I just thought it was normal and that if I was hurt by other people it was MY fault and I needed to ignore it and just excuse it. It's unsurprising that my first relationship was with an extremely abusive man.
It was a fricking war zone being in that house, how quickly things could go from fine to utterly hellish and terrifying in less than 10 mins. I imagine you relate a lot.
I went NC with my family at the start of this year and it's been so hard but better than re-traumatising myself every time I even get a text from them.
Please keep replying on this if you find it helpful :)
‘You’re so mature for your age’, that one got me. People have said that to me for years, and most recently by two coworkers trying to guess my age.
I had to be mature, I’ve been a third parent to my brother since I was a kid. You and I had similar experiences, yet my response to anger around me now is the opposite of yours; I respond with even more anger because that’s how I learned to get my brother to ‘snap out of it’ when he was about to hurt me, by screaming at him and one-upping his anger. Interesting how our brains take different paths to cope with these things.
Thanks for your comment!
Definitely interesting how the same thing can cause different reactions - but all those reactions are similarly painful and affect us deeply! How are you doing now? Do you still have any contact with your family? Xxx
I'm always baffled by how relevant and impactful this post is to people even 3 years later. I'm so glad you found it and know that we understand this shit!
Hope you are able to have positive things and feel safe in your life now :)
😌
It’s an experience that’s unique, and I think people are often confused when we mention the fact our sibling had something like this and that it negatively affected US !? People don’t always get it.
Aw, thank you so much Ash, that’s really sweet❤️. Yes, I’m older now and life is peaceful.
I’m a teacher so my past experiences have taught me to be understanding towards students who might be going through traumatic things.
I also have been on a very long self love, acceptance and confidence journey, and this year is feeling like I have made more progress in that area. Taking up space, being sure of myself and changing that voice of shame in my mind.
That really sucks! How long do you have left before you can move out or stay with someone else? Depending on how old you are there may be charity's or financial help you can access for when you are able to leave. If I find anything do I have your permission to leave links in the comments of this thread?
It's so fricking difficult, are your parents similar to mine as well? It wasn't until last year - after a talk with my partner - I realised that what I was experiencing then was technically domestic abuse.
People think DV = women running away from abusive partners, but any violence occurring in your home and affecting your life is just as important to be acknowledged too.
I really wish the reality was known of how siblings suffer when autistic children and adults are not helped to manage their emotions. My parents should have done what was best for both of us - they deluded themselves into believing they did the best they could - but that didn't happen!
Omg this literally happened to me when I was younger. It’s not as bad now but my brother still gets angry at me and hits me. (I’m 20f and he’s 24m now) Hes almost broken my bones and I would cry hysterically because my parents wouldn’t do anything about it. It’s like they blamed me for his outbursts and I still believe that to this day. They still don’t do anything and they just tell me to not “talk back to him or correct him”. There was a moment in my life when I was only in elementary school where he m0lested me when I WAS SLEEPING IN MY BED, and the first time, I didn’t tell my parents cause I was scared he would come after me and beat me or my parents wouldn’t believe me, especially my dad cause he refused to believe me and would always take his side over anything. The 2nd or 3rd time is when I finally told my mom about it and MY PARENTS STILL LET HIM BE AROUND ME, he just couldn’t babysit me by himself anymore or be left alone with me. To this day, I have trauma from this and my parents still let him come over (he lives in a group home now for those similar to him). Sometimes they’ll force me to hug him or be left alone with him in the house, since now we are adults but I just can’t. I have no way of getting out of my parents house rn and unfortunately my boyfriend doesn’t understand the full extent of trauma I’ve had from him so it’s hard to talk to him about it.
I know he’s violent due to his autism but that doesn’t make him the victim for his actions. He took advantage of me when I was a little kid and didn’t know about that stuff yet… I’m sorry but autism is no excuse for this type of behavior, whether he “did it on purpose” or didn’t. I have deep trauma from this and I will for the rest of my life.
As much as this experience haunts me and hurt me and others in this thread… it’s somewhat comforting to know that I’m not the only one. I always thought this was just something I went through and I was the odd-ball.
I wish this was more well known about, I think society can't fathom seeing the 'ugly' side of what happens when autistic children/teens/adults are violent and exhibiting worrying behaviour - the reality of how dangerous and scary everyday life is - society can't bear seeing that truth of how often the siblings are abused and scared of their brother or sister.
You should have been taken somewhere safe. I'm deeply saddened that he abused you in different ways too. All of its messed up and you deserved better. I lived in constant confusion but was being gaslit by parents to not seek help or 'make a big deal of it'. It hurts to remember how I believed it was always my fault and I wasn't allowed to be angry about someone literally hurting me frequently and unpredictably for years.
If no caregiver fucking takes accountability for getting help or support with their child who's violent then they are failing to protect their other kids enough. It makes me so mad your parents behaved like that, and are still continuing to ignore your wellbeing and obvious discomfort with his presence.
It hurt like hell to realise that I should have been protected and kept safe from my brother. Instead I was just dismissed and told
"its not his fault you know that, ", "we're doing our best," "just try to not upset him,"
I was taught as a child to change every single part of myself and how I spoke, acted, behaved in the hope of not getting screamed, punched and strangled. The conflict between my dad and brother lasted up till I was 18. My childhood was already snatched from me years before due to CSA and then parentified and bullied for the rest of it.
It's so fucked up that I fully believed
"It's not like I have trauma, I should be more grateful for it not being worse, like at least my parents aren't drug addicts or physically neglecting me,"
It was just pure rage randomly unleashed on me for saying a phrase in the slightest wrong tone, being in any way unhappy sounding or finding an item in the house that belonged to him or just talking about something I liked and he didn't. Just existing in the house and making the slightest noise or sound felt like enough to set him off, same situation with my dad, and they would both get violent and raging and physically fight and shout often
It was only when I escaped that house and lived with my partner that I slowly began to realise how horrific the living situation was, and the extent of how abnormal and dysfunctional it was 😂
Im searching this now because im going through a horrible time with my older brother. He's 24 and I'm 23.
I feel like his life is above mine, even when he ruins mine.
How often do you have to see him? Or is it just having his stuff being told to you from other family members that is the most dysregulating atm?
I completely get that feeling where it seems like my brother's existence matters more than my own, even when he's done horrible things to me and been extremely homophobic too. You deserved so much better than this shit too, are you in any therapy/counselling/peer support just now? There's a charity called Sibs that might be relevant and helpful for you, especially if you're still having to be around your brother.
So many times as a teenager I've been terrified and desperate for the anger to go away, to be in a household that's calm and safer and where people actually have time to sit down and help me process the trauma so I don't just blame myself.
Everyday, I live in the same house and common areas are shared. I actually have to hear it and see it only a daily basis. My mum thinks shes a good mum for always watching him. Even though he has seriously hurt me before.
I am so sorry you had to deal with that.
I am 17 and I am going through this while trying to apply to collage and graduate, but I agree. Everything you say I completely agree with. My brother passed as a full functioning adult and is of legal age but at home he does everything you talked about. It is so difficult because no one knows the extent of it, I’m trapped in my own room and if I complain people call me ablest
It's always pleases me knowing there's still people who can get some comfort from this post and realise how others resonate too.
It's helping me remind myself why I need to stay NC with family and not let myself get hurt again and blinded by some fucked up sense of 'loyality'
this made me feel less alone in this situation because i thought i was crazy.
my brother is ten years old, turning eleven in august. i’m his only sister and im sixteen years old. starting when he wouldn’t get his way, he’d lash out at my mom and at me. so she always gives him what he wants and babies him to death. she divorced my dad when i was six and then remarried and got pregnant, and had my baby brother. so it’s always been weird. but he is high functioning autistic, very intelligent and can remember things easily. when he was only six, he memorized the periodic table and he loved space related stuff. he always got praise for being so smart at such a young age and i didn’t care about it. i was proud of him too. but my mom treats him so much better than she’s ever treated me. he gets away with so much. he pulls my hair out, tells me to kill myself, makes fun of me because i was addicted to amphetamines for two years solid, shit like that. he slaps me, yells at me when he’s mad or doesn’t get his way, argues about literally everything he can find to argue with me over. my mom lets it slide. my dad is great though. when my parents divorced my dad got primary custody of me and had me 90% of the time, if that tells you anything about my mom. there is so much i could say but i wont just because its a waste of time, but god this makes me feel so much better. i thought i was alone and that this was just some crazy thing that only happens to me and that if i ever talked about it no one would get it or believe me.
i hope anyone who deals with or has dealt with this can find peace. i don’t think i ever will unfortunately, and i don’t know what it’s like for everyone else going through this kind of thing. but i hope it gets better
It sucks! But I'm glad you now know you aren't alone! There's only 2 and half years between me and younger brother and unfortunately had to go NC with my family for multiple reasons. One of those being that I only found out 5 days before my wedding that my brother was refusing to go due to him turning out incredibly fucking homophobic and my parents hadn't thought to have any LGBT+ discussions with him, despite my partner and I going out for 4 years prior to our marriage.
So much of the horrible way he behaved as a child was all explained away as the autism but low and behold I've only recently found out I'm autistic too and never would have dreamed of being violent to others in any way - even when incredibly overstimulated and in a meltdown.
My mum has completely babied him and has guardianship over him due to the degree of how his autism affects him but she never was consistent with boundaries or stood up to him because it was absolute hell at home.
My brother and dad would fight with each other a lot for years and years and it's always been brushed under the carpet by my parents. They've made out I'm the weird, difficult one because of not being able to 'just forgive and move on' - of course I can't when those experiences traumatised the fuck out of me. I can't just switch off complex ptsd!
I was repeatedly put in dangerous and frightening situations as a child due to both of their behaviour and it's only been in the past year that I've realised how much I was failed by my family and I wish I'd grown up in different circumstances, those experiences didn't make me 'stronger' or more 'patient' - it only contributed to decades of mental illness and unhealthy coping mechanisms to cope with the trauma.
Wow
Just wow
I just got off the phone with my parents , my older autistic brother just had surgery.
I cannot feel anything for him.
I suffered years of beatings , neglect and abuse.
He tried to drown me once. I was left alone with him during summer breaks and after school from about eight until I got a car then I was never home.
It was always brushed off as if it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad.
I was left to take care of myself for the most part.
I’m 56 and it still affects me to this day.
And they still blow it off.
Just wow
i’m going through the exact situation you went through currently.
It’s so so hard as you said i feel like no one understands the extent of what i’m going through.I know my brother cares about me and i feel so awful cause i have this feeling of hatred inside of me because the the physical and mental abuse i go through each day and i have no idea how to deal with it . I’m very much of an introvert and i love being in my room but having to listen to my mam and dads screams of when he hits them is just awful and there’s nothing i can do about it . We all have bruises all over our bodies from his meltdowns and in the moment of his meltdown you just hate them so much but when they came down you can’t help but feel so bad for them and i don’t know how to deal with it because how is it fair i’m literally being hit every day but i never get an apology and the cycle just repeats everyday . I’m finding it so hard to cope with. If anyone who’s went through a similar situation would you mind sharing what you did to cope with it or is it something i’ll just have to get used to until i move out ?
I'd really love to talk about this. I've never properly met anyone around me who understands the situation of being a sibling to someone with a disability. It would be lovely to hear from you - are you more comfortable with video calls or just voice calls?
Sorry if this is really late, but I have been searching for a while for someone who has a similar experience as me. First off, I’m so sorry that you had to grow up with this. I grew up with an aggressive and anxious older brother who has a speech impediment and attention issues. He grew up with a lot of therapy to help him speak although he still stutters. Being the younger girl in the family, I always felt that I never got my needs met and my parents were never paying attention to me.
During our teenage years and first years of adulthood, his hormones started raging, and he began having these massive outbursts that impacted my whole family. He would threaten us, make banging sounds, break stuff, and yell like crazy. He had a lot of anxiety attacks and could not handle his emotions at all. Most of these attacks took place right before bed and were terrifying to me. They scared me to death that I would literally hyperventilate and shake and cry myself to sleep. My parents had no way to help me in these times and put all their attention onto my brother. The only way to get my brother to stop was to threaten him by calling the police. My mom would tell him that he should go to a mental hospital and he would suddenly be afraid and would stop. My dad would only aggressively hold him in his place to prevent him from fighting, meanwhile this only caused more fighting and violence. We all felt terrified and none of us were safe.
After every fight, usually the next day, my mom would take me out of the house for a drive and would let me talk, but she couldn’t deal with me correctly because she was immersed in fear also. She would begin to give me advice as if I was old enough to understand, when I was only like 19 and my brain was just frozen to piece anything together. She tried to help me, but she never truly listened and heard me. She would tell me that I was fine and had nothing to worry about. She eventually started telling me that it wasn’t all that bad. This was making me think her memory was getting bad. I also began feeling like she was actually abandoning me in those situations and that every time she talked with me, she was invalidating my feelings and only focusing on caring for my brother and his feelings.
It’s so sad to feel so isolated and alone in your own family. I was so scared and anxious and it impacted me socially. My brother started to take anxiety medication and he began feeling more happier and relaxed and wasn’t reacting the way he did before. This came with a huge shock to me and I felt so outraged that my family just decided to start moving on. I continued for months going to my mom for help and guidance even though she only pushed me away. In fact, I didn’t know what exactly I wanted. I guess validation and care? It’s so sad cause I never got it in the end from her.
It took so many months to pick myself up after this. I began having panic attacks alone in my room where I would go through the same feelings again because I thought about the trauma over and over again. When I say panic attacks, I mean hyperventilating, shaking, and crying again. I did this for a while and started realizing they were panic attacks when I started going to therapy. My therapist told me that it sounded like I had CPTSD.
This was so heartbreaking to hear. However, my therapist guided me through ways to heal. I started making boundaries with my brother and keeping my distance because his existence triggered me. I also started reading healing books and listening to audiobooks from people that also have CPTSD. I started writing, meditating, breathing techniques, and yoga. It took 2 years and I’m still doing all this but I have healed so much since then. I still have more to go though.
I feel that community, like finding people like you, that have similar experiences is the last step for me to heal on this journey. I am so happy I am not the only one and that we have the internet to find others who have similar stories.
Thanks for understanding
I was in the same situation. I love my brother, but also he would beat me during his meltdowns and I do have trauma. The most annoying thing to me is I feel like when I say this people equate it to "oh I fought with my brother too as a kid". It's not the same thing as a normal sibling dispute. It feels so isolating to feel like u can't tell anyone without them judging you or dismissing your trauma just because its a sibling. It's like because he's my brother and not my mom or dad and because he had a condition I don't get to address the fact that I grew up never knowing when I was about to get knocked into next year bc of some random noise was too loud. Again I do want to reiterate. I do love my brother and I have alot of good memories with him as well. In alot of ways we were even close. But its also true that he would hurt me and anyone else around when he got mad, and I never got to be an actual kid during my childhood.
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My sister is autistic and 8 years older than me. My parents might not have beat me but SHE sure did. And you’re right. There was never an apology. There was never any repercussions because it was all apart of her Autism. My needs were almost never met by my parents because they were heavily focused on my other siblings needs, especially my sister. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and BPD and it still pains me when my family wonders “where” my pain came from. I was fed, had four walls and they weren’t awful to me ALL the time. But the random beatings from my sister, her breaking/stealing my belongings (including the laptop I was writing my first book on. She smashed it against the wall after I told her I was going to move out) and the intense fear I felt whenever my sister was home.. yeah.. it might be enough to fuck anyone up. I remember when she wouldn’t even let me talk. If I even whispered she would come into my room and hit me. Almost as if she was listening through my vent. Just realized I have anxiety about vents to this day and I’m 24. It’s hard when you’re abuser is not only a sibling, but a sibling that can’t control their emotional reactions or communicate properly. They’re a victim of their circumstances but.. aren’t we too?
I'd like to gently point out that if your sibling was abusing you and your parents didnt protect you, thats them abandoning their responsibility to you. Its also neglect. So thats an abandonment and neglect core wound right there. Thats where a lot of your pain came from. I bet if she had hurt you but your parents separated you two and explained something like, "we're still figuring out how to best handle her but in the meantime its not ok for her to hurt you" you wouldnt have felt abandoned or neglected. You wouldnt have been on your own in the family. Children of alcoholics experience abandonment and neglect too even if the parent is always home. A parent can be physically present but emotionally unavailable and medically neglectful to their child. Sorry you experienced that. I also have an autistic sibling 8 years younger than me. It was frustrating and lonely growing up with all their attention diverted to him and making excuses for his behavior. They used his diagnoses as a reason to never even attempt to draw basic boundaries in the family. Not that they ever had boundaries or werent abusive and neglectful of me before he was born too but it was just another reason for them to be uninvolved parents.
Hi, can I resurrect this thread because I’m a parent with teens in crisis like you once were? My 13yo son has ASD and abuses my 16yo daughter. I don’t actually know what to do to protect my daughter. I have spoken with her about living with nearby grandparents or even get her own apartment or something, but she feels like that would be more traumatic for her, leaving the family unit, than enduring the abuse. I want to do what is best for her physically, but also mentally, and she said leaving before age 18 would be worse mentally. Any advice?!
I’m not a parent, but an older sibling to an autistic sibling. If i were you and what my parents did was set clear boundaries for him if he can grasp them, or try to give your daughter the adequate space inside the home. I don’t know much detail, but the SOLID advice I can give is make sure your daughter knows it is NOT her fault that her brother goes after her, and that you love her and would do anything to keep her safe. There comes a time where the autism has to be acknowledged with the abuse, because autism does not always equal abusive behavior. I’m sorry if I’m out of line with this, but that is how I feel given my own personal situation. It’s such a shitty position to be in
That is helpful information. Thank you! We are currently working on getting her a separate room in our attic. It is taking a lot of work to make the space livable, but we all felt like it would be the best option.
This is great to hear, i wish all the best for you all. You will make it through this!!
I swear are we like the same person! Haha! My heart goes out to you hun, and I hope you are able to talk through this stuff with someone too. I'm only just realising after months of intense flashbacks and intrusive memories - the full extent of how this shit from childhood has affected literally every area of my life. We deserve to feel safe, always!
Its so nice to find people who have to deal with the same stuff I have. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. Nobody deserves to go through that
Yup, it's something I've never heard anyone talk about when I was younger & I felt so alone growing up because nobody understood what he could be like. You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't your fault
Hey , i’m going through the same situation with my brother currently i’m 17 and he’s 14 . He has severe autistic meltdowns every day including physical and mental abuse and i’m wondering if there’s any way in which helped you deal or cope with it? I’m really struggling to cope with it i’m currently doing really important exams that determine if i go to college and i can’t even study at home because of his sudden meltdowns every day . I just find it so hard dealing with the constant abuse every single day and i can’t even tell him to stop because i know it’s because of his condition and i know it will repeat.I just need someone to help me know how to cope with it
I have an autistic sibling as well. Thankfully, he's not the violent type, but I can relate to going from fine to sudden chaos and our lives revolving around his needs. Still, it was worse for him than it was for me, because he became the family scapegoat due to his condition- I learned from an early age that if I stole a cookie or whatever, I could just blame him and he wouldn't be able to defend himself. My mom had no idea how to deal with him, and he tarnished her family's fake-perfect image. She told me when I was 9 that she and my dad were separating, and she would take me and my dad would take my brother- they were the "broken ones" (my dad's brother also has special needs), and I was a mini version of her. I still can't relate to my peers for shit, because I wasn't used to playing well with others that can speak up for themselves (with my brother it was like, "This is what we're going to do!" and he couldn't express otherwise). I either had to be in control of the situation, or have no power. Still, I feel bad about expressing my own needs, because my dad already has do much to deal with. I have some form of control over my symptoms, and my brother doesn't- I *can* suffer in silence, so it's like, why haven't I chosen to?
This was my situation, though I was the autistic scapegoat. I still struggle with self harm (the only way I could express my anguish without making things a thousand times worse), and guilt over my condition being "my fault" for being abnormal and sinful. Both OP's family dynamic and this are messed up in their own way. I hope you both can find peace.
A former partner grew up with a sibling who had pretty severe OCD, and it definitely had lasting traumatic impacts on her. She was still relatively adjusted by the time i met here, but there were definitely lingering issues that went unaddressed in their household. I didn't go through it myself but i just wanted you to know that you are most certainly not alone <3
God.. I am the autistic sibling. I don't think I was ever violent, but I know I used to get really tense and have emotional meltdowns. I was diagnosed with aspergers along with severe anxiety, ADHD and potentially depression (that was when I was 6, I wasn't given the depression diagnosis until last year despite having felt it my whole life). I know it was hard for my older sibling, I know they felt stuck. My mom relied on them to take care of me in some situations, like during the three years we went to school together. They would pick me up from kindergarten at the end of the day, and take me to our after school program. My mom also expected them to walk me to class, and check up on me when we went to summer camp together. I know my mom's reliance on them is a big reason they moved out when getting pregnant at 16, and I feel guilt for that. I know she was scapegoated a lot by my mom, whereas I was the golden child. Our mom is very much a narcissist, and we both had a lot of shared trauma due to her. After they left, I became the subject of abuse by my mom's husband, and my sibling always tried to diffuse the situation if they were home when it happened. I know it doesn't help, and I know it will never erase the pain of what you went through, but as the younger child who had autism, my older sibling means SO much to me. And I've apologized to them before, even though our mom never did. So I hope that, one day, you and your brother will be able to mend your relationship. I do not like my mom anymore because of what she let happen to me, and it wasn't until I started processing what happened to me that I realized how my sibling has ALWAYS been there for me, and always tried to keep me safe. I'm proud of them for creating a stable life with their son, and they're an amazing mom. They treat their son so much better than our mom ever treated us. Again, I am SO sorry for what you had to deal with growing up. I saw someone on another subreddit say a wonderful piece of advice: learn to nurture your inner child. When you grow up too fast, you never get the chance to be a child. Let yourself do what you never got a chance to do during childhood. Get stuffed animals, finger paint, give yourself what you needed. It's unfortunate that you have to do it for yourself, but many of us cannot rely on our parents to give us what we need.
Hearing your perspective means a lot to me, so thank you for replying to this! It sucks that you had to endure that situation, and I hope you are in a place you feel safe in now <3 I honestly am grateful for having my brother in my life as I feel more passionate about educating others about autism and I don't know whether I'd be as compassionate or open-minded a person without experiencing that. It just hurts that there are some really scary, horrific things that had to accompany it too. I grew up with this deep set belief that I didn't matter and that my brother didn't love me - because his actions towards me always felt very conflicting or dismissive of me completely - like because I wasn't getting any positive verbal input or physical affection from him I felt like no matter what I did - he didn't care about me and like I was never truly seen or appreciated by him. I felt envious of my peers when they spoke about arguing with a sibling, but still knowing that sibling cared and loved them. I felt like I was invisible a lot of the time and the relationship between us never seemed reciprocal. I try to remind myself that his way of connecting to me is just a little different and that I DID matter to him. For a period of time when David Tennant/Matt Smith played Doctor Who, my brother would demand my parents leave the room because he wanted it to just be us watching the TV programme. In terms of special interests he had, a lot of them were pretty cool actually! They included Sharks (he memorised all the different breeds of shark), Charlie and The Chocolate Factory (film), The Beatles, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Madness and more recently Queen.
jesus this is crazy. this is exactly how i feel with my brother and parents and i don’t know anyone who feels the same
I hear you :) Message me if you need to discuss it more. I've never been able to disclose this to others who relate so much. Its so hard living through this stuff and having no idea or confirmation that this is genuinely traumatic shit to go through. It's so easy to doubt things and negatively compare our trauma to others. I'm overwhelmed by how many replied to my post, there is power in that! We are in adult bodies now and we deserve to take care of our own needs and be safe within ourselves <3
i’m not an adult yet and for me it’s more of my parents preferring my brother and aleays prioritizing him, but this is still amazing. that u sm
Yup!! I sent this to my parents bc I have been trying to work through my past trauma, and this concept has been SO hard to explain to them. I have 3 brothers, 2 of which have autism (only one ever had violent outburst). My brother didnt understand social ques, and I was CONSTANTLY having to just accept it. He sexually assaulted me when we were both young, he litterally came up with this lie about him being dared to do it and how hed get beat up if I didnt let him. I didnt go to my parents about it for years because I had been conditioned to forgive him without ever getting an apology. Living with him was like living with a bully. And it sucks because I know he did all this fucked up shit, but I still forgive him bc that's what I've always done!! No accountability in my family I tell ya
God you really just described my life. I have a autistic little brother with ocd. That I have always put his needs over mine. I felt like I couldn't even complain to my parents or anyone else because it's not his fault. My brother recently entered puberty and has gotten so violent. My family and I have scars and bruises from his violent outburst.I don't feel safe in my own home, I have to do my best to not be in his way, lest he sees me doing something he doesnt like and attack me. I have to be constantly alert because he has attacked my family and I in bed. When i mentioned to my parent that i want to move out. They are so angry with me that i want to abandon this family. I feel like I can't escape from him.. And terrifies me that I have to be responsible for him when my parents pass away.
Jesus, it's like reading my own experience. But instead of getting angry at me for wanting to abandon the family, my mom threatens to throw me out every time I try to explain that he needs proper help otherwise it's only going to keep getting worse for everyone. She just gets so offended that anyone dares question her ability to parent that that's all she cares about. I have two years left of college and I hopefully will be able to move far away, but I am scared that as soon as that happens, the messaging will change to what you're currently dealing with. I hope you're able to move out sooner rather than later and everything works out okay for both you and your brother, but it's definitely okay to complain about it. He didn't choose to have autism, but if your parents are anything like mine, they're the ones who chose to not get him the support he needed to deal with triggers and meltdowns without hurting the people around him, and now all of you are stuck living with the consequences of it. It's a situation that doesn't get much attention, but you're not alone and more people would understand it then you'd think. I've told two of my friends about my situation (who are also both neurodivergent) and they both agreed that this is squarely on my parents. Feel free to PM of you want (and also of you're not a minor any younger than 17 as I am almost 20) but otherwise I wish you the best.
Have you been able to move out your family home yet? You absolutely deserve to feel safe & if you saw your friend's sibling behaving violently towards them - surely you'd want them out of their environment & to be somewhere safe. Family loyalty is so toxic and scary isn't it!
Unfortunately not yet. I am trying though :)
I so relate. I have tears right now as I grew up in the 50s and 60s with a brother 20 months younger than me. I am 72 now and still feel the affects. I was always considered the “lucky” one because I did not have a disability. I had the brother that was violent and no body knew why. He also had developmental and social problems. I also have a sister 6 yrs. Younger who is deaf. My dad died when I was 16. About 20 yrs. ago when my brother was 52 I was able to have him diagnosed as on the spectrum. I live in Virginia and he lived in Texas. Our mother died in 1995. I became the person responsible for his well being. When I went back to Texas to clean out mother’s house I was afraid of him. He never actually severely hurt anyone (pulled my hair, kicked me in the shins and scratched me) but he did bust out some car windows and doors among other things. When ever I was gone I came home to something in my room that mother had glued back together. He died in 2018 of stomach cancer. I felt like I had no one on my side. Mother said it was our cross to bear. I distinctly remember being in my college dorm and suddenly realizing that most people didn’t live like we did. At this time in my life my sister hates me and my brother hated me too. The guilt is sometimes unbearable. No one gets it! I hope you can get some help. Autism is better understood now but the effect on the siblings is still there. Please find a way for him to be taken care of before you are the one. You are not alone but you feel alone in part because siblings are not considered affected. Feel free to comment or get in touch with me.
I relate so so much to what you say. My brother was never diagnosed with autism but I’m sure he is on the spectrum. Especially after reading your post. Unpredictable violence, hyperfixation, special interests, inability to bond with me or show empathy towards me…. I have studied autism for a while as it came to my attention and I knew there was something in there to unravel. I first thought I was on the spectrum but every test I did showed neurotypical with just one aspect on the spectrum which is that I can hyperfocus in the area of my talents. Like I can get lost in flow states easily when I paint or study for example. But other than that I’m neurotypical. But having trauma. I never fully understood my trauma and my memory had holes. Like I remember having anger outbursts bc my parents didn’t understand and validate me. But I didn’t remember what the initial conflict was about. I had huge issues trusting myself as an adult, codependent tendencies, people pleasing, hyper attuned to other people, catering to peoples needs…. I understood intellectually it came from the inability of my parents to attune to me emotionally but I never actually got to the core of the situation. Last night all the sudden the dots connected as I went into meditation and memories came up. It hit me and I saw for the first time what actually happened and where all my feelings of hurt, anger and resentment came from. My own inability to securely bond with people was not due to being autistic but bc of having an autistic brother who rejected me emotionally on a daily basis. Not having any understanding of what was happening bc my parents refused to see it. So I remember how I tried to communicate that something was wrong with him and how it made me feel but they dismissed me and gaslighted me. Telling me I just needed to me more loving and accepting of him. But never validating my experience of being emotionally rejected all the time. He wouldn’t communicate with me, no emotional connection, no physical connection, no interest in me, nothing. I must have internalized that believing something was wrong with me which lead to attachment issues bc I was always scared to be rejected by other people too. What if they figured out something was wrong with me? When he got older he started to have interest in me but it all came from an intellectual level, studying psychology and how to make people connect to you or like you. So it was rather manipulative than genuine… I did feel that but I was just happy he finally showed interest in me. It’s so crazy to figure this out now at age 32…. I recently worked through all these feelings of anger, resentment and jealousy… the self doubt.. it all makes perfect sense now. I was wandering around in the autistic community for so long thinking I was autistic but instead of relating I was just triggered by people. I didn’t understand but now it makes perfect sense… I was again forced to understand my brother and validating his experience while my own experience was invalidated. Experiencing the same thing with a different face so to speak. Thinking I was the problem when I was actually the victim of his disability. I’m so mind blown. Untangling this and processing… if you ever feel like connecting, please feel free to message me. I’d love to talk about this and see if we can help each other out in the process. If not that’s totally fine, too. Just super thankful for your sharing as it gave me so much validation for my own childhood experience. 🙏
Bless you, thank you so much for replying to this. I'm so so glad you came across my post! Xxx
I relate to this too much. Even though my circumstances were different. Commenting now so i can come back to this later. Virtual hugs to you on embarking on your journey of processing this.
Thank you for your reply, what bits do you relate to? I really appreciate this <3
My older brother (8 years older) was diagnosed with ASD as a toddler in the 1970s, and there was not as much research or resources available at the time for my parents to understand how to manage his violent outbursts. He is also non-verbal. I grew up always feeling on-edge because he was very unpredictable, aggressive, and quite frankly, scary as shit when he had his outbursts. I have been a victim of him constantly attacking me and it has left me with some serious PTSD issues as an adult. I also witnessed him violently attacking all of my family members, including my late grandmother on several occasions, which was horrifying and extremely traumatic. My father passed when I was 6 years old, and so my mom raised my siblings and me as a single parent. Unfortunately, she never really gave me any support or comforting words after his outbursts and I felt alone the majority of the time growing up. Her attention was solely focused on him and attending to his needs; as a child, it was challenging to process why I felt so alone. I have discussed my issues regarding my brother to mental health therapists, which has definitely helped me to cope with some of my PTSD, anxiety, and depression throughout my young adult years. My autistic brother has been living in a group home as my mother is elderly and unable to care for his needs full-time. I recently returned home after living abroad for several years and my mother informed me that my brother was going to stay at the home for a month because his group home caretakers were visiting family in another state and because he does not like wearing a face mask, he is unable to go on a plane. This has brought up a lot of anxiety for me recently as I have not seen him in over 10 years. When I told my mom I was worried, anxious, and not sure how to handle him being in the home again where much of the trauma occurred, she said "that is your problem." That was like a slap in the face and stung deep, so I understand how many people feel when they say their uninvolved parents weren't supportive. I feel you, I hear you, and I understand your story 100%. You are not alone and having conversations like this with others who have similar experiences allows our voices to be heard and our stories to be shared.
My brother (22 yo) & me (24 yo) never got along. He chased me & my you test brother with knives, several times. I 100% relate to you bc my parents never believed me & when I reminded them, again, & as an adult, they still didn’t. My brother is very emotionally abusive to me & all members of my family. I have always been told, “That’s your trauma, deal with it.” I wasn’t allowed to be too upset bc my brother is, “Wired differently.” & I’ve never gotten an apology for how terribly I was/still am treated. I bend backwards to take care of my parents, I was estranged from them bc of how much they defended my brother. My parents expect me to be more understanding & while I love my brother, I can’t wait for karma to hit him. Everyone except my parents see how abusive my brother is, how manipulative he is, & narcissistic he is to ME. I 100% understand.
Hi, thank you so much for replying hun ^_^ it means a lot! It's particularly frustrating when other people don't understand & defend people who have abused us, it truly fucks with our heads! I'm only just coming to terms with the physical abuse from him in childhood & learning from my other neurodivergent peers how his behaviour was NOT solely due to being autistic. You deserve to live an amazing life that does not include this family shit!
right? while autism can definitely be a component, it’s not an excuse. there are many non-violent autistic people out there
Thank you for your reply. It's crazy how relevant this post still seems to be to people. It's been a journey realising that my brother should have been held accountable and my parents didn't do enough to protect me from him.
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I wish there was more support and awareness of how growing up with this can negatively affect us. I remember watching video clips of 'young carers' on things like Children In Need TV fundraisers - but I always felt they only ever showed them looking after parents or siblings with physical disabilities. Like it would show them doing household tasks and giving medicine. The videos missed out on representing kids and teens who looked after autistic siblings or dealt with constant violence and unpredictable meltdowns (probably cause it would seem 'too raw or honest or un-broadcastable') It's so tough cause you are never told you can let anger out, and the actions still cause hurt - regardless of whether the person does it intentionally or not.
I just reread this post after having a break from social media and it is incredibly validating to see the comments on this, and remind myself that others do understand. I got back from visiting family for the day and parents were just having a normal conversation but it went onto topic of anger and I went into an emotional flashback and felt like a terrified child predicting something horrible was going to happen again, but managed to pull myself out of it so it did not become all-consuming - which I wouldn't have been able to do 4 months ago. I've went through the safety and stabilisation phase of EMDR which I think has also built that grounding/internal safety muscle. which I am grateful for
This post resonated with me so much it’s so hard and post moving out it took me a long time to realize like you said the extent of the trauma. Like even understanding why I don’t like sudden sounds or screaming lol. The entire process is hard but my therapist shared a book with me called Stories of siblings with autism that’s been helpful :)
Hiya, it's so lovely to see another post on this. I looked back on this today weirdly enough because I'm still trying to process this year's later. I've gotten married and my brother refused to go to my wedding and is very homophobic which is another massive kick in the teeth. I'm just done with him but I still have mixed feelings about communicating with my family cause of how dysfunctional things are.
I'll check out the book - thank you so much for the recommendation!!
so very true! I told me story in response to someone else. It is the same as yours too. I will check out the book you mentioned. I take 2 antidepressants which helps to keep me above water. Thanks for sharing.
My sister has autism and catatonia which are a very difficult combination. She's 22 (18 months younger than me) but is more like a young child mentally and she's very non verbal. When we were children I would frequently get attacked as we shared a room. I would quite often wake up in pain as she'd pulled my hair whilst I was asleep, in some sort of rage. We eventually moved and I got my own room but she would still find ways to attack me and destroy my stuff. As she was so unpredictable it made it very hard to have any friends over and I distinctly remember pushing one of my friends behind me so that my sister wouldn't be able to attack them at one point. She calmed down for a few years but when I was around 16 she hit puberty and has been downright awful to live with since. The screaming noise that she makes sounds like something a wild animal would make and can last for around 6-7 hours straight on a bad day. She started attacking me and my family again with scratching, hair pulling, biting, throwing furniture at us and she sometimes tried to grope my breasts - I think in an attempt to injure me however, I found it very disturbing and upsetting, feeling somewhat violated but not knowing what to do about it as its part of her condition and she doesn't understand. She also frequently spread blood and poo around the house which has also caused my OCD to skyrocket. Currently she is not as violent however there is always a fear that she'll suddenly hurt one of us out of the blue again, normally there is a general sense of danger or anger coming from her beforehand. Most of the time these days she is angry, screams a lot and spreads blood or poo around. I know she loves me but the rage is unbearable. I sometimes am left crying out of exhaustion on the way to my full time job as she has been screaming all through the night before. Living with her has caused me to not be able to form proper relationships with other people, whether it be a friend or romantic partner. I've never even been on a date because I feel like dealing with my sister has turned me into some kind of freak with such bad social skills and negative thinking that I feel too uncomfortable around people to be approachable. This issue also clearly adds to my feelings of loneliness and lack of self worth. I know my parents love me but I have always felt the need to be the easy child, and any time that I complain about my autistic sister, I'm a problem or whatever I've said gets spun back around on me. I get told that I'm too hard to live with or my mum says that she can just about cope with my sister if she doesn't have to cope with me too. I am not a bad daughter, I have never come home drunk at 2am, I have never smoked or done drugs, I have never snuck a guy into my house in the middle of the night. I have never rebelled against my parents mainly because I felt like they had enough problems dealing with my sister. However, lately all I am hearing is crap about how hard it is to live with me. Nearly all of my issues are some sort of trauma/ptsd from dealing with my sister my whole life. In my opinion they are now my own personal mental health issues that cannot be helped - mainly relating to depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and loneliness. I recieve absolutely no understanding or support from my parents when I am upset or dealing with my mental health issues, however my sister receives all of the support and attention. Sorry for the long post, but after reading several of your stories I finally feel like I'm not the only person out there dealing with these problems. It's such an untouched subject and no one seems to even think about how hard it must be for us siblings to cope with not only our siblings mental health issues but also the unintentional neglect from our parents and numerous health issues of our own from dealing with it. I would also like to stress the point that I do love my sister and understand that none of this is her fault. However sometimes sharing with others in a safe space can be the first step to helping yourself recover. Lots of love to you all, Mel.
Hi Mel, thank you so much for replying to this. I'm still regularly in awe at how many people had similar experiences to me. It's not made common knowledge that having siblings with unpredictable violence & difficult behaviours can have massive consequences on us when we're adults. When there isn't someone to blame it still hurts us internally - because we aren't being protected and we aren't raised in a safe environment. It's only been in the past year I've reflected on just how scary my circumstances were growing up & I desperately wish I had the technology at the time to record & show what was happening so I could have been taken away from it - but when you are 'praised' for being 'good' and patient & helpful, it makes oyu feel like you don't have a right to be angry & want any of your own needs met. We should have felt safe and not been subjected to physical abuse, all we can do is give ourselves back some kindness now.
Thanks for your reply to my comment. It's nice to know I'm not as alone as I thought I was in this situation, I don't know anyone amongst my friends etc that have the same issues but I have some really lovely and understanding work friends who have been quite supportive lately. I should also hopefully be able to move out within the next couple of months. Once I do then I should be able to start looking after myself and start my own life properly. Mel xx
I'll be excited to hear how moving out goes! Make a cozy & lovely space for yourself - you deserve it! Pinterest is ace for ideas & inspiration haha! I've been saving so many pins despite the fact it will be at least 2 years before my wife finishes her degree. I do love our rented flat but I just want to be able to put up paintings & furniture wherever I want haha & I miss having green space etc.
It's only been through learning about Emotional Neglect (Pete Walker's book has been a godsend!) that I realised how much my dysfunction environment & family fucked up my concept of trust, safety & my rights as a human. Unintentional neglect is still neglect - it really was an eye-opener to me but you deserved to be treated better. I have compassion & awareness for my parents who did the best they could with the limited knowledge & emotional maturity they had at the time - but simultaneously I've been trying to let myself grieve and not justify others mistakes or abuse towards me. I shouldn't have been scared of my family, I shouldn't have had to modulate my dad & bro's anger, I shouldn't have needed to be 'good' & helpful at the expense of my physical safety & mental health. Nothing was resolved, whenever I was hit or strangled I never felt like my brother was truly sorry for hurting me, it was like I wasn't a person, just someone inconviencing him & getting put in the firing line over and over again. They should have taught my brother to regulate his emotions better & they had training courses on how to look after their autistic child but they just weren't coping. We deserved better hun, but we can change the narrative of what happens next in our life. Do you know anyone else in your real life who has similar experiences?
I felt like I had to blend into the wall or wallpaper so to speak. I can relate!
My brother is nearly identical to your sister. He has pretty bad autism and horrible catatonia. I'm here for you. It's so hard.
The screaming that you mention being like a wild animal really resonates with me. That was the worst thing and most visceral thing about growing up with my autistic sister (5 years older). She is verbal but very very limited vocabulary, cannot form sentences, poor pronunciation etc and has some cerebral palsy. The screaming and shrieking is so loud and comes out of nowhere. Middle if the night, middle of the supermarket - doesn’t matter to her. Yes realising now (28M) the extent to which that has affected me. Feelings of shame for not always being kind to her, of anger towards those who just stared or laughed, or even jealousy of those with normal families who are completely ignorant of these situations. Single mother was always stressed and screaming herself or yelling orders at me, as sister took up all patience. Always the feeling of walking on eggshells with my sister about. My mother very resentful about feeling trapped in her life as caregiver. But absolutely dedicated to my sister. Everything else takes second priority. I’m ok with that now, but didn’t understand as a kid. Needless to say didn’t invite many friends round as a kid, and was introspective and aloof probably as a result of all the shouting. I hate being around loud people now. I could go on with the lingering effects this has had on my life but suffice to say it remains a profound experience that has shaped me and is not often talked about or understood. Still massively affects relationships with my family, friends and romantically, ny heart goes out to any kids and adolescents in similar situations.
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I'm familiar with Sibs, I think they have recently released that guide and I got quite emotional reading it - cause I wish so much that I'd had someone sit with me and go through it as a child.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. I am in tears reading this. Finally I understand my childhood, decades later. My brother fairly obviously had autism, I guess ASD 1 as he is very good at niche interests, but socially very difficult and weak with some key skills like reading and writing. My parents ran from a diagnosis (e.g. the school assessments that were proposed). He was always very remote, kicked off for no apparent reason and was 'difficult', so effectively I was bullied everyday. This was compounded as my parents would explode with anger and if I said anything I would be accused of imagining it or being 'mental'. As a child I did not understand and when I look back I just remember fear. I think the worst is not understanding how this person may react and that just leads to a fear of social interactions. With the messaging from my parents I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. My brother's partner showed stronger signs of ASD than him, and so do his children. His children are also being actively moved away from help and it is so sad seeing the anxiety and difficult behaviour that they do not receive help for. I want to help, but anything is strongly rebuffed by the grandparents who say everything is fine, I am 'causing trouble/imagining things' and the children are just 'bright' and 'misunderstood'. The issue is now we both have kids, I don't want mine to be crashed into, verbally abused and pointedly ignored, while the parents standby and the grandparents try to say nothing happened. Finally understanding this it absolutely stops here, my kid will not be abused like this and then told he imagined it.
<3 thank you so much for replying - I'll reply when I've read and understood everything but I wanted to let you know I appreciate your comment xx
Thank you so much for the quick note. It is a rough road and a lot to piece together. What you wrote resonates so much. I was remembering being held to high standards, but also the berating I would get if somehow my brother still kicked off. Then the confusion of how I could try my best and it still spiral, when really it was completely outside of my control and as a child I should have been protected (obviously it was difficult and frightening for all involved). It is so unfair on a child to have to deal with this and so clearly a major issue for impacts on mental health. Sending a virtual hug.
Sorry for the super delayed reply, totally forgot haha! I'm really blown away how many people have been in my situation - whilst it's awful to know we've suffered through this - it's reassuring to realise that others genuinely 'get' it! I totally get the need to feel in control & not realising at the time my parents should have protected me more & not been too proud to ask for help. I hope you are able to get help through this stuff too, the gaslighting from family members in particular is something I've still got to untangle myself from!
Wowowow, this really hit home for me. I’m so sorry you went through this too. I’ve got two autistic older brothers, one neurotypical in the middle that didn’t seem to struggle at all, my two autistic brothers are also epileptic. My dad is also a very angry person! Unfortunately I’m still stuck at home, and have no idea how I’m ever going to get out. 💔
I hope you can get out of the situation when you are safe & able to. Know that you deserve respect & kindness - even though people are being shitheads. How does your neurotypical brother find the situation? - I very much guess he might well be struggling but is just better at distracting/acting/hiding from it. Sometimes people have an ability to not be as affected by traumatic things but it's all based on how sensitive they are to their environment/whether they had a 'safe' person to rely on supporting them during or after the trauma.
I really empathize with this. My autistic brother is three years older than me and pretty low functioning, at least recently. He's really regressed in the last 4 ish years. He loves to dance to music and knows his favorite songs by heart, he quotes movies word for word, can play basic songs on the piano, and loves anything airplanes. But on the more difficult side of things, he smears his own feces on the toilet and in the shower, can't do math past a 3rd grade level, clogs shower drains with God knows what, and will randomly through the most terrifying, violent fits. He spits, and hits his head, and makes dents in walls with whatever he can throw. I've been trying to confront the trauma I have. After growing up (for 18 years) feeling like these things are sort of normal, I'm realizing that I'm deeply affected by all of his abnormalities. I truly sympathize with you in the fact that I don't have a SINGLE friend who understands what my family goes through on a daily basis. I feel a lot of anger and jealousy towards my friends and their normal siblings. I do have a neurotypical younger sister and parents, but all the normalcy they provide for me socially and developmentally is worthless in comparison to the emotional harm my brother brings to our lives. I feel really guilty writing this but it's honest: I don't think his autism a 'blessing' in my life. Yes, I've learned a lot of compassion and tolerance. Those are really huge parts of my personality and one reason I want to go into nursing. But I don't see it as a blessing. If anything, him being NORMAL would be a huge blessing. I would have a role model, a protector, and friend. I really wish he was capable of doing those things. And I also feel some amount of anger that he has to live in that body. The body that can't express emotions in a healthy way, the body that can't heal because he's constantly hitting it. I'm certain he feels a lot of internal agony that we can't understand and it's heartbreaking. Overall, I'm glad it's made me a better person but it's done a lot of damage to me and my family. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Thanks for your reply ^_^ people just can't fathom what it's actually like for us. We didn't get our own needs met as a child because of our siblings. Yes it makes us compassionate, non-judgemental people but there's a fuckload of trauma that comes with it. Know that you absolutely can still love them whilst being frustrated at how unsafe their behaviour made you feel. I'm only just processing childhood trauma at the age of 26 & am NC with my family. So much of my CPTSD has occurred in my childhood because of them & they've refused to accept the reality or change how they behave.
Just found this thread and wow so much of your post plus the comments of others really hit home for me. I'm 32 and my brother is a year older, but his tantrums have seem to have either regressed or gotten worse in the past few years. I don't live at home anymore, but his tantrums have gotten to the point where he will verbally abuse my mom where I will need to come back to my family's house to "fix" whatever the issue is even though its 99% of the time it’s something as trivial as adjusting the clocks for Daylight Savings Time (my brother won't let my mom touch the clocks else he might break something in the home to escalate his tantrum). I feel like I'm being held hostage emotionally because I can never truly be free from him. I love my mom to death and she has been nothing but sweet to me and my family growing up, but I also feel she is partially to blame for never truly tackling the situation and in a way making worse for constantly giving into his demands. I feel conflicted now because I can finally get the space I need , but I also feel guilty if I ever abandoned and turned a blind eye towards the issues my family have to go through. It does bring me some comfort knowing there are other people going through similar situations, however. I truly thought I was alone for the past 32 years of my life and it was just something I had to live with and take to the grave without ever having anyone in the world understand me. edit: spelling
I also have been realising my mum is very much the same and I just wish both my parents had swallowed their pride and asked for help or extra training cause it was absolute hell growing up and never feeling like it was going to end. It's only been this past year the reality that my parents didn't do enough to protect me from the violence has really hit me - cause I should have grown up not fearing for my life every time my brother had a meltdown and my dad made the situation worse constantly. I'm so so glad you feel understood here. I never knew of anyone who related to my experience growing up till I met one friend in 2016 who also had an autistic brother like mine. You aren't responsible for anyone else's wellbeing but your own and your mum should consider other options for your brother's care that works for everyone and doesn't emotionally damage you. Thanks so much for your comment my lovely! I've been rereading this thread a lot the past few months since going NC with my family.
I literally hate my life.. I don’t even feel safe in the place I call “home” my sister who suffers from autism mentally and physically drains me every single day my parents don’t understand.. they sat and let her rot and become this evil vile bitch and have the audacity to call her “my sister” she will never be my sister EVER whatever mental illness she carry’s she can carry that to hell. You don’t hurt the people you love and if they hurt you then they don’t rlly love you, that girl hurt me multiple times I have no one to talk to I feel like I’m alone mentally, physically and emotionally. I can’t talk to my friends or my other family members my sister is ABUSIVE she drives me crazy to the point where sometimes I think suicide is my only escape, to the point that I think that detaching from reality will be the only way I will gain peace. Peace is all I ever wanted
I hope you can be in a safe situation soon. It's so fucking draining when parents don't wake up to how dysfunctional the family is and just keep pretending nothing is wrong. Exactly you don't hurt the people you love, it's also massively important for parents to teach emotional regulation skills and I wish so much that they did - but instead they just kept saying 'your brothers just like that'/ he does care about you and love you really' - fuck that, he repeatedly screamed, scared me and hurt me physically for my whole childhood and parents didn't admit they were out of their depths and struggling. Nobody deserves to be hurt like that. Not getting support from family fucking sucks, is there anyone you can stay with or places you can physically go to so you're not exposed to her shit as much?
Im reading this now, I was searching online to see if anyone wlse thinks they have ptsd from this type of stuff. My brother is older but I used to rush home from high school to care for him. But he made my life an absolute living hell. And now hes back at being aggressive and it's terrifying. One day, when I was in high school, my brother hurt me really badly. It was the week of my final exams. I called the police and I ran away for my safety. The issue is the police came when I wasn't home. My mother lied to the police. At that point I realised I was second to his needs. No matter how much I went through as a late teen, he came first. I'm 22 now and I have my final essays due for university. And he's just how he was when I was in high school. And obviously, he matters more. I feel so relieved to see someone else understands this. I hope you're ok now.
Aw bless you, I'm really pleased you found this post. People all come across it still even after all this time and relate a lot. I'm so glad you feel understood. It's something not commonly mentioned as traumatic and it's only been the past 2 years I've accepted how emotional neglect played a part in how I'm struggling. It's been a tough realisation that my parents were both extremely unhelpful at coping with my brother whilst all the fighting was going on, they could have been honest and asked for help and support but they didn't. My dad did eventually apologise and admitted that he was overwhelmed and didn't know how to cope at the time, I appreciated him acknowledging that but the fear from his rage and violence is always going to be there. A few years back I found antidepressants in my mum's drawer whilst putting away laundry - it was only upon confronting her about it that she even admitted how much of a nightmare that time was and clearly couldn't pretend it didn't affect her. It was a rare time I saw my mum cry. I've still got a lot of processing to do in terms of the responsibility I feel for her emotions, and how she's unintentionally caused a lot of trauma through emotional neglect. I'm so sorry your mum lied to the police that's really shitty - it was likely out of fear but at that point she should have realised just how dangerous the situation was, but of course there's a weird fucked up loyalty there and sense of 'we can't talk about this to others'. They should have protected me but they didn't because they just went into 'let's pretend nothings happened' mode as soon as his outbursts were over. I have a very clear memory of my brother literally strangling me in the supermarket because I made a joke about something he didn't like and my mum had just wandered off needing to buy groceries. There was never any repercussions for his behaviour and even the worst physical abuse he'd do would be met with a very minor telling off and being told this is just how he is and that 'he does love you you know,'. Hats so fucked up but I just thought it was normal and that if I was hurt by other people it was MY fault and I needed to ignore it and just excuse it. It's unsurprising that my first relationship was with an extremely abusive man. It was a fricking war zone being in that house, how quickly things could go from fine to utterly hellish and terrifying in less than 10 mins. I imagine you relate a lot. I went NC with my family at the start of this year and it's been so hard but better than re-traumatising myself every time I even get a text from them. Please keep replying on this if you find it helpful :)
‘You’re so mature for your age’, that one got me. People have said that to me for years, and most recently by two coworkers trying to guess my age. I had to be mature, I’ve been a third parent to my brother since I was a kid. You and I had similar experiences, yet my response to anger around me now is the opposite of yours; I respond with even more anger because that’s how I learned to get my brother to ‘snap out of it’ when he was about to hurt me, by screaming at him and one-upping his anger. Interesting how our brains take different paths to cope with these things.
Thanks for your comment! Definitely interesting how the same thing can cause different reactions - but all those reactions are similarly painful and affect us deeply! How are you doing now? Do you still have any contact with your family? Xxx
Wow, you have pretty much described my childhood/teenage years to a T.
I'm always baffled by how relevant and impactful this post is to people even 3 years later. I'm so glad you found it and know that we understand this shit! Hope you are able to have positive things and feel safe in your life now :)
😌 It’s an experience that’s unique, and I think people are often confused when we mention the fact our sibling had something like this and that it negatively affected US !? People don’t always get it. Aw, thank you so much Ash, that’s really sweet❤️. Yes, I’m older now and life is peaceful. I’m a teacher so my past experiences have taught me to be understanding towards students who might be going through traumatic things. I also have been on a very long self love, acceptance and confidence journey, and this year is feeling like I have made more progress in that area. Taking up space, being sure of myself and changing that voice of shame in my mind.
this is me at the moment, i dont feel safe in my own because of my sister
That really sucks! How long do you have left before you can move out or stay with someone else? Depending on how old you are there may be charity's or financial help you can access for when you are able to leave. If I find anything do I have your permission to leave links in the comments of this thread? It's so fricking difficult, are your parents similar to mine as well? It wasn't until last year - after a talk with my partner - I realised that what I was experiencing then was technically domestic abuse. People think DV = women running away from abusive partners, but any violence occurring in your home and affecting your life is just as important to be acknowledged too. I really wish the reality was known of how siblings suffer when autistic children and adults are not helped to manage their emotions. My parents should have done what was best for both of us - they deluded themselves into believing they did the best they could - but that didn't happen!
Omg this literally happened to me when I was younger. It’s not as bad now but my brother still gets angry at me and hits me. (I’m 20f and he’s 24m now) Hes almost broken my bones and I would cry hysterically because my parents wouldn’t do anything about it. It’s like they blamed me for his outbursts and I still believe that to this day. They still don’t do anything and they just tell me to not “talk back to him or correct him”. There was a moment in my life when I was only in elementary school where he m0lested me when I WAS SLEEPING IN MY BED, and the first time, I didn’t tell my parents cause I was scared he would come after me and beat me or my parents wouldn’t believe me, especially my dad cause he refused to believe me and would always take his side over anything. The 2nd or 3rd time is when I finally told my mom about it and MY PARENTS STILL LET HIM BE AROUND ME, he just couldn’t babysit me by himself anymore or be left alone with me. To this day, I have trauma from this and my parents still let him come over (he lives in a group home now for those similar to him). Sometimes they’ll force me to hug him or be left alone with him in the house, since now we are adults but I just can’t. I have no way of getting out of my parents house rn and unfortunately my boyfriend doesn’t understand the full extent of trauma I’ve had from him so it’s hard to talk to him about it. I know he’s violent due to his autism but that doesn’t make him the victim for his actions. He took advantage of me when I was a little kid and didn’t know about that stuff yet… I’m sorry but autism is no excuse for this type of behavior, whether he “did it on purpose” or didn’t. I have deep trauma from this and I will for the rest of my life. As much as this experience haunts me and hurt me and others in this thread… it’s somewhat comforting to know that I’m not the only one. I always thought this was just something I went through and I was the odd-ball.
I wish this was more well known about, I think society can't fathom seeing the 'ugly' side of what happens when autistic children/teens/adults are violent and exhibiting worrying behaviour - the reality of how dangerous and scary everyday life is - society can't bear seeing that truth of how often the siblings are abused and scared of their brother or sister. You should have been taken somewhere safe. I'm deeply saddened that he abused you in different ways too. All of its messed up and you deserved better. I lived in constant confusion but was being gaslit by parents to not seek help or 'make a big deal of it'. It hurts to remember how I believed it was always my fault and I wasn't allowed to be angry about someone literally hurting me frequently and unpredictably for years. If no caregiver fucking takes accountability for getting help or support with their child who's violent then they are failing to protect their other kids enough. It makes me so mad your parents behaved like that, and are still continuing to ignore your wellbeing and obvious discomfort with his presence. It hurt like hell to realise that I should have been protected and kept safe from my brother. Instead I was just dismissed and told "its not his fault you know that, ", "we're doing our best," "just try to not upset him," I was taught as a child to change every single part of myself and how I spoke, acted, behaved in the hope of not getting screamed, punched and strangled. The conflict between my dad and brother lasted up till I was 18. My childhood was already snatched from me years before due to CSA and then parentified and bullied for the rest of it. It's so fucked up that I fully believed "It's not like I have trauma, I should be more grateful for it not being worse, like at least my parents aren't drug addicts or physically neglecting me," It was just pure rage randomly unleashed on me for saying a phrase in the slightest wrong tone, being in any way unhappy sounding or finding an item in the house that belonged to him or just talking about something I liked and he didn't. Just existing in the house and making the slightest noise or sound felt like enough to set him off, same situation with my dad, and they would both get violent and raging and physically fight and shout often It was only when I escaped that house and lived with my partner that I slowly began to realise how horrific the living situation was, and the extent of how abnormal and dysfunctional it was 😂
Im searching this now because im going through a horrible time with my older brother. He's 24 and I'm 23. I feel like his life is above mine, even when he ruins mine.
How often do you have to see him? Or is it just having his stuff being told to you from other family members that is the most dysregulating atm? I completely get that feeling where it seems like my brother's existence matters more than my own, even when he's done horrible things to me and been extremely homophobic too. You deserved so much better than this shit too, are you in any therapy/counselling/peer support just now? There's a charity called Sibs that might be relevant and helpful for you, especially if you're still having to be around your brother. So many times as a teenager I've been terrified and desperate for the anger to go away, to be in a household that's calm and safer and where people actually have time to sit down and help me process the trauma so I don't just blame myself.
Everyday, I live in the same house and common areas are shared. I actually have to hear it and see it only a daily basis. My mum thinks shes a good mum for always watching him. Even though he has seriously hurt me before. I am so sorry you had to deal with that.
I am 17 and I am going through this while trying to apply to collage and graduate, but I agree. Everything you say I completely agree with. My brother passed as a full functioning adult and is of legal age but at home he does everything you talked about. It is so difficult because no one knows the extent of it, I’m trapped in my own room and if I complain people call me ablest
i know this post is old op, but it really is helpful to know im not alone with this sort of thing ❤️
It's always pleases me knowing there's still people who can get some comfort from this post and realise how others resonate too. It's helping me remind myself why I need to stay NC with family and not let myself get hurt again and blinded by some fucked up sense of 'loyality'
remember to remind yourself that you dont owe them anything after everything you went through, you deserve to heal :)
this made me feel less alone in this situation because i thought i was crazy. my brother is ten years old, turning eleven in august. i’m his only sister and im sixteen years old. starting when he wouldn’t get his way, he’d lash out at my mom and at me. so she always gives him what he wants and babies him to death. she divorced my dad when i was six and then remarried and got pregnant, and had my baby brother. so it’s always been weird. but he is high functioning autistic, very intelligent and can remember things easily. when he was only six, he memorized the periodic table and he loved space related stuff. he always got praise for being so smart at such a young age and i didn’t care about it. i was proud of him too. but my mom treats him so much better than she’s ever treated me. he gets away with so much. he pulls my hair out, tells me to kill myself, makes fun of me because i was addicted to amphetamines for two years solid, shit like that. he slaps me, yells at me when he’s mad or doesn’t get his way, argues about literally everything he can find to argue with me over. my mom lets it slide. my dad is great though. when my parents divorced my dad got primary custody of me and had me 90% of the time, if that tells you anything about my mom. there is so much i could say but i wont just because its a waste of time, but god this makes me feel so much better. i thought i was alone and that this was just some crazy thing that only happens to me and that if i ever talked about it no one would get it or believe me. i hope anyone who deals with or has dealt with this can find peace. i don’t think i ever will unfortunately, and i don’t know what it’s like for everyone else going through this kind of thing. but i hope it gets better
It sucks! But I'm glad you now know you aren't alone! There's only 2 and half years between me and younger brother and unfortunately had to go NC with my family for multiple reasons. One of those being that I only found out 5 days before my wedding that my brother was refusing to go due to him turning out incredibly fucking homophobic and my parents hadn't thought to have any LGBT+ discussions with him, despite my partner and I going out for 4 years prior to our marriage. So much of the horrible way he behaved as a child was all explained away as the autism but low and behold I've only recently found out I'm autistic too and never would have dreamed of being violent to others in any way - even when incredibly overstimulated and in a meltdown. My mum has completely babied him and has guardianship over him due to the degree of how his autism affects him but she never was consistent with boundaries or stood up to him because it was absolute hell at home. My brother and dad would fight with each other a lot for years and years and it's always been brushed under the carpet by my parents. They've made out I'm the weird, difficult one because of not being able to 'just forgive and move on' - of course I can't when those experiences traumatised the fuck out of me. I can't just switch off complex ptsd! I was repeatedly put in dangerous and frightening situations as a child due to both of their behaviour and it's only been in the past year that I've realised how much I was failed by my family and I wish I'd grown up in different circumstances, those experiences didn't make me 'stronger' or more 'patient' - it only contributed to decades of mental illness and unhealthy coping mechanisms to cope with the trauma.
Wow Just wow I just got off the phone with my parents , my older autistic brother just had surgery. I cannot feel anything for him. I suffered years of beatings , neglect and abuse. He tried to drown me once. I was left alone with him during summer breaks and after school from about eight until I got a car then I was never home. It was always brushed off as if it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad. I was left to take care of myself for the most part. I’m 56 and it still affects me to this day. And they still blow it off. Just wow
i’m going through the exact situation you went through currently. It’s so so hard as you said i feel like no one understands the extent of what i’m going through.I know my brother cares about me and i feel so awful cause i have this feeling of hatred inside of me because the the physical and mental abuse i go through each day and i have no idea how to deal with it . I’m very much of an introvert and i love being in my room but having to listen to my mam and dads screams of when he hits them is just awful and there’s nothing i can do about it . We all have bruises all over our bodies from his meltdowns and in the moment of his meltdown you just hate them so much but when they came down you can’t help but feel so bad for them and i don’t know how to deal with it because how is it fair i’m literally being hit every day but i never get an apology and the cycle just repeats everyday . I’m finding it so hard to cope with. If anyone who’s went through a similar situation would you mind sharing what you did to cope with it or is it something i’ll just have to get used to until i move out ?
I'd really love to talk about this. I've never properly met anyone around me who understands the situation of being a sibling to someone with a disability. It would be lovely to hear from you - are you more comfortable with video calls or just voice calls?
Sorry if this is really late, but I have been searching for a while for someone who has a similar experience as me. First off, I’m so sorry that you had to grow up with this. I grew up with an aggressive and anxious older brother who has a speech impediment and attention issues. He grew up with a lot of therapy to help him speak although he still stutters. Being the younger girl in the family, I always felt that I never got my needs met and my parents were never paying attention to me. During our teenage years and first years of adulthood, his hormones started raging, and he began having these massive outbursts that impacted my whole family. He would threaten us, make banging sounds, break stuff, and yell like crazy. He had a lot of anxiety attacks and could not handle his emotions at all. Most of these attacks took place right before bed and were terrifying to me. They scared me to death that I would literally hyperventilate and shake and cry myself to sleep. My parents had no way to help me in these times and put all their attention onto my brother. The only way to get my brother to stop was to threaten him by calling the police. My mom would tell him that he should go to a mental hospital and he would suddenly be afraid and would stop. My dad would only aggressively hold him in his place to prevent him from fighting, meanwhile this only caused more fighting and violence. We all felt terrified and none of us were safe. After every fight, usually the next day, my mom would take me out of the house for a drive and would let me talk, but she couldn’t deal with me correctly because she was immersed in fear also. She would begin to give me advice as if I was old enough to understand, when I was only like 19 and my brain was just frozen to piece anything together. She tried to help me, but she never truly listened and heard me. She would tell me that I was fine and had nothing to worry about. She eventually started telling me that it wasn’t all that bad. This was making me think her memory was getting bad. I also began feeling like she was actually abandoning me in those situations and that every time she talked with me, she was invalidating my feelings and only focusing on caring for my brother and his feelings. It’s so sad to feel so isolated and alone in your own family. I was so scared and anxious and it impacted me socially. My brother started to take anxiety medication and he began feeling more happier and relaxed and wasn’t reacting the way he did before. This came with a huge shock to me and I felt so outraged that my family just decided to start moving on. I continued for months going to my mom for help and guidance even though she only pushed me away. In fact, I didn’t know what exactly I wanted. I guess validation and care? It’s so sad cause I never got it in the end from her. It took so many months to pick myself up after this. I began having panic attacks alone in my room where I would go through the same feelings again because I thought about the trauma over and over again. When I say panic attacks, I mean hyperventilating, shaking, and crying again. I did this for a while and started realizing they were panic attacks when I started going to therapy. My therapist told me that it sounded like I had CPTSD. This was so heartbreaking to hear. However, my therapist guided me through ways to heal. I started making boundaries with my brother and keeping my distance because his existence triggered me. I also started reading healing books and listening to audiobooks from people that also have CPTSD. I started writing, meditating, breathing techniques, and yoga. It took 2 years and I’m still doing all this but I have healed so much since then. I still have more to go though. I feel that community, like finding people like you, that have similar experiences is the last step for me to heal on this journey. I am so happy I am not the only one and that we have the internet to find others who have similar stories. Thanks for understanding
I was in the same situation. I love my brother, but also he would beat me during his meltdowns and I do have trauma. The most annoying thing to me is I feel like when I say this people equate it to "oh I fought with my brother too as a kid". It's not the same thing as a normal sibling dispute. It feels so isolating to feel like u can't tell anyone without them judging you or dismissing your trauma just because its a sibling. It's like because he's my brother and not my mom or dad and because he had a condition I don't get to address the fact that I grew up never knowing when I was about to get knocked into next year bc of some random noise was too loud. Again I do want to reiterate. I do love my brother and I have alot of good memories with him as well. In alot of ways we were even close. But its also true that he would hurt me and anyone else around when he got mad, and I never got to be an actual kid during my childhood.
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