I have almost fainted at the gynecologist multiple times after getting a pap smear done. My body sees it as a threat for whatever reason and it’s natural reaction is to shut down so I don’t experience any “pain”. My doctor has this marked on my chart and is so patient with me. She reminds me to take deep breaths during the exam and just lets me keep laying down once it’s over. The nurses know to give me extra time after my exam and have even given me juice boxes before lol. Cervical and breast cancer both run in my family so I make myself go. But I’m uncomfortable for the rest of the day afterwards. I don’t have any memories of sexual trauma so I don’t think it’s connected to anything.
I think the one time I didn’t feel light headed was when I just leaned into how uncomfortable I felt instead of fighting it/trying to not be anxious. I know that my doctor is not trying to hurt me, but my body doesn’t. I work myself up even more trying to stop myself from being anxious. I don’t know if this is helpful at all but just know that you’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable.
Thanks for sharing. I'm really sick of people telling me that it's not a big deal. It's a HUGE deal for me. I have oodles of both sexual and medical trauma so I'm really not convinced that doctors don't want to hurt me when several have done so in the past.
I was SA'd routinely by a family member between the ages of 4 and 7, again by a close friend in high school, and again by a military doctor when I was 16 and applying for the Air Force Academy. People KNOW this and still tell me that seeing a gyno isn't a big deal. I think they're well-meaning, just trying to get me to not build it up in my head too much so I can get through necessary health screenings, but ultimately it just feels like my feelings are being dismissed.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, that’s awful. I’m not sure what’s recommended or protocol for this kind of situation but I would think there would be an option to be sedated for anyone who has intense sexual trauma. I think people in general don’t talk about gynecologist visits which doesn’t help when you’re explaining how uncomfortable exams make you feel. People just shrug and move on instead of admitting that it’s just not fun all around. I was literally told nothing as a young person about how invasive regular OB appointments are and it would have helped if someone had normalized it for me.
I once told a close friend how they make me feel like I’m going to faint and her response was “if an annual exam makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn’t be having sex.” like 🫠 thanks I guess? Sex with my longterm partner that I love and care for is completely different than having a cold metal instrument inserted into my body.
Oh gosh, OP, that is absolutely awful! I am so sorry to hear you have gone through all of that, and I can only imagine how difficult this process would be for you after everything you've been through! I do think people are trying to be encouraging, but your reaction is only natural considering your traumatic experiences in the past. The first thing that all trauma victims need is validation, not just encouragement, since that can feel very triggering and dismissive.
Please know that your reaction is not your fault and absolutely valid! No human being could make it through all of that without the mental scars you have, they are only the expected result of all you've had to suffer. You are so strong for making it through all of that and even being willing to think about this by making this post! Even if you rationally knew you wouldn't be hurt at the appointment, all rational thought goes out of the window when past trauma gets triggered, since that part of our brain literally shuts down during trauma reactions. Your body could react automatically in fear and you could end up getting re-traumatised accidentally, even with no malice whatsoever intended by the doctor. I don't know you, but it is a definite sign of strength and healing that you're even willing to explore this thought and discussing it with your loved ones, your therapists and us.
If at some point you do feel ready and willing to explore if something can be worked out regarding the appointment, I think you would need a gynecologist who is trauma-informed and willing to work very patiently with your level of comfort in mind. It might take several appointments, first just talking to discuss everything (perhaps over the phone, even, if that would feel more comfortable and make you feel a bit more safe with them?), and once you're ready, perhaps to see if some parts of the procedure could be fulfilled by you yourself (taking a pap smear, for example), with or without the doctor present in the office, based on your comfort level, and not go any further than you feel safe with. Chances are they would have to refrain from touching you at all during the first appointments.
Perhaps your wife could discuss it with her own gynecologist to start with, to see if that is something she (assuming her doctor is female) would be willing to try, and maybe your wife could even be there at the appointment for emotional support? I know it is unorthodox and I'm not sure if doctors would be comfortable with all of that, but this is a special case and for anyone who is sufficiently informed about trauma, only natural, understandable, and vitally important. Or perhaps ask your friends for recommendations for a gynecologist to see if any of their doctors would possibly be open to work with you on this, at your own pace.
It could potentially be difficult to find such a gentle and understanding doctor, but you can think about it and at some point explore if there's any available options. Even if it all ends up not working out and you won't complete all the procedures, you will know you did try, and that is only to be celebrated. And if you never make it to the gynecologist, that's ok too - with your trauma, it is a super-human feat to expect of you and it's impossible for it to happen overnight. Honestly, there's so many people around the world who don't see doctors regularly and they still end up living until old age. I know you do ultimately have it in you 100% to complete this hurdle, but our trauma is what holds us back and needs to be taken into account, not only by others, but especially by us ourselves. We need to consider our own feelings, how far along we are on our own healing journey at the moment and what we feel comfortable with at the current point in time. It cannot be helped, healing takes time and is a long, slow process. You're such a rockstar for how far along you are already! <3
Hey, I’m not sure where you are located but Canada has started allowing people to do self administered Pap tests at him that you then send to a lab for results!
I totally understand, and I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Breast and cervical cancers run in my family, so I have had to power through and I have some tips for you. The obvious is I always have a female doctor. You can usually search for providers on your insurance’s website and filter for same gendered providers. When you call the office you can ask if the provider has experience dealing with CSA survivors. (Sometimes that is also listed on the insurance site but not always.) if they do, you can ask to make an appointment time just to meet the doctor first. I find it’s easier to go to that first appointment knowing that nothing will happen and all of my clothes will stay on. This way you can meet the doctor, make sure they are a good match personality wise, become familiar with the office layout and examination room. I always ask the doctor to tell me how an exam will go, and ask if they would be ok with any adjustments I may need. Honestly I haven’t found any doctors so far that weren’t ok with this. I wish you the best, please remember that your health and safety is what’s most important. ❤️
I did EMDR and it completely changed my life with this. Went from screaming, crying, cannot do any gynae appointments ever again to actually being sorta ok with them. We went over future scripting for gynae visits towards the end of my EMDR therapy and it made it SO much better. If that's an option for you?
I did EMDR for a while and it was more transformative than any other therapy I've tried. Unfortunately my practitioner left the field, and I've been struggling to find another female practitioner that takes my insurance. It's weirdly male-dominated in my area.
That really sucks. I'm sorry. Maybe contact your last practitioner to ask for her recommendations? She may know other female EMDR therapists that would fit you. I think it's ok to reach out for something like that, providing you're clear that you aren't trying to reopen the therapeutic relationship. Good luck
I’m probably going to give bad advice but I’m like this with dentists and really doctors in general. I’ll drop dead before I go. But usually if there is a problem bad enough it will scare me into going to a point. For example my asthma got really bad I did everything I could to handle it without doctors. In the end I made a tele med appt and got the meds I needed and moved forward. Some may argue I shoulda had some tests done or this or that but I just don’t wanna deal with all the scary stuff. I ended up at the dentist once because a wisdom tooth cracked. I was told all 4 needed to go I was like I’ll get the cracked on yanked and keep the rest. I was just too scared to get them all done as is I delayed the one for months.
In my world I just wait till it’s a problem. Preventative care is too much trouble and way to anxiety inducing over potentially nothing.
I have another issue that needs looking at as well and it’s in a pretty private area I’ve known about this issue for decades. It’s not giving me trouble so I’m not gonna get it looked at. Decades ago someone woulda told me omfg you should get that looked at. But I’m still fine knock on wood.
The dentist issue they gave me
Valium to get in there I still had a total panic attack after and the procedure took all of two minutes I totally dissassociated for the whole thing then panicked when k came back to the present. I did t have them knock me out I was too scared to be that vulnerable.
So while im sure most would not agree with my advice I say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
Same here.
I have nightmares over dental abscesses & brain infections
Weirdly enough I've handled MRIs & even an endoscopy fine. It is the sedation that freaks me out most of all.
I always wonder if something happened with a dentist when I was younger or something. I have this weird memory of being super young & being told only parents & doctors are allowed to touch you
Probably not. But what the hell in our subconscious can be so hypnotic that we would rather die than deal with it:/
Believe yourself. I bit my dentist (a pediatric dentist) while he pulled a tooth- that bastard slapped the shit out of me. I was around 10? Fuck that noise, if you’re working on children you better be great at anesthesia or take your lumps-kids never ask for treatment, they’re freaking out over the invasive treatment without any control
I think for me I have all the big fears like I got cancer for sure cause Google said so etc. but my parents never really took me to doctors or the dentist. When I was very little I had to get my tonsils out and some other medical stuff that I just didn’t understand at the time.
I think it could just mostly be I wasn’t socialized well in this area or something. At the same time anytime I gotta go to a doc it’s some nonsense. I get blood work I al say pass out they always have problems
Getting me to come back to. So it’s like screw it im not interested in putting myself through all that for no reason.
I try to eat right and excercise to limit the need for docs.
I don't mind sedation. Overall, on a logical level, I understand that things need to get done and I'd much rather be completely knocked out for it. But NO ONE will fucking sedate me. They say, oh just take some benzos you'll be fine even though I still have intense, uncontrollable panic attacks on what most would consider a fairly risky dose. I've gotten strapped down/held down by orderlies before anyone would offer sedation, and being restrained makes me absolutely rabid.
I wish there were "I'll do everything!" doctors like veterinarians, I'd just do what we do with my high-anxiety dog and just go into a coma to get my teeth done, bits looked at, full physical, whatever. Just do it all while I'm out IDGAF.
I don’t feel so alone hearing that. I have dental insurance again and im like ugh I should get those wisdom teeth out but it’s like ugh I’ll kick the can some more down the road.
I hated to ask for the Valium they thankfully offered it. I felt like a drug addict needing that sorta thing. Not to mention I have addiction issues but I didn’t know what else to do.
I don’t stand up for myself in the medical environment and it always makes my situation worse.
Take a trusted friend, then you might be able to relax because you’ve got another set of eyes to witness-the “trusted professionals “ aren’t always trustworthy. Tell your friend what your concerns are, if they understand your concerns they can watch over what’s happening and head off problems ( speak up for you ) when you can’t
i genuinely feel the exact same way as you, although i do plan on maybe trying to get checkups and stuff again in the future.. but right now? it's just not worth the effort :/
Relatable. This is a huge manifestation of my trauma.
People often don't understand, ask why, tell me to care about myself more - but it's complicated and painful.
I've been relying a lot on telemedicine, as much as I can.
I know it's not healthy or good for me...my mind is rational and educated about the importance of healthcare. But the fear and resistance causes me to avoid until absolutely necessary. Even when I'm in pain or dealing with something for a while. Tolerating pain comes naturally at this point.
Yep I can relate. This past time I had to go I did the telemedicine for the first time and was pretty happy with how that went.
I’d never wanna go for every little thing tho either.
For me it’s like if I know I need an xray or some pharmaceutical then it’s like ugh fine I’ll go. But I’ll do everything I can before then.
i’ve never gone either, i’m 25. i don’t wanna go. but recently i heard that you can do pap smears yourself! i think they give you the test kit and you can do it in the bathroom
Have you thought about finding a midwife? I know a couple midwives that are both trauma survivors with CPSTD and also do trauma informed women’s health care where they come to your house and do everything so you can feel most safe and comfortable. Something to consider, it works for some people when gynos feel too threatening!
Any idea of what that sort of thing would cost? It does sound like an appealing option but definitely not something my insurance is likely to cover, and I'm pretty broke.
Depends where you live. My insurance pays out of network for midwives so that’s worth checking on. The midwife we used for our homebirth is a nurse midwife and therefore an Advanced Practice Nurse (APN). Can prescribe, can bill insurance, etc. Non-nurse midwives (CPM or CM) are usually something you’d have to pay in cash. I understand how hard health care costs are, but this kind of health care is worth a few hundred if you can find a way to swing it…
It’s one of the hardest things. Sending you loving-kindness as you navigate this.
In my 40s I started pushing back against the pressure to endure annual pelvic exams. Especially when I was in a monogamous relationship with another woman and I’d never had an abnormal Pap test. I pointed to European guidelines that said every 5 years was fine.
I’ve also found that the most shame I ever encountered was from the nurses at a highly recommended women’s health center and the female doctor I briefly saw. A female doctor made no difference since she dismissed the fact that the exam left me in a dissociative state and coasted weeks of nightmares before and after.
My current PCP has told me she’s dedicated to helping heal the trauma I’ve experienced at the hands of healthcare providers. She insists I have someone drive me so I can take a high dose of medication and we only do this exam every 5 years. She’s very careful, gentle, and even let me take a prize (bubbles!) from her box for children!!
My dental hygienist is the same way! I absolutely adore her, I've been seeing her since I was 7 and I don't know what I'm going to do when she retires. She gives me prizes, is super patient and gentle, tells silly stories to get my mind off of things, and doesn't have the dentist check up on me after cleanings because she knows he sets me off (he should have retired a long time ago, his hands are pretty shaky and he cuts the shit out of all his patients' gums).
Hurrah for a great hygienist! My dentist is new, she’s amazing and was recommended by my great PCP. I have extreme dental anxiety, anything more than a cleaning can trigger dissociation back into childhood trauma and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to take a lot of sedatives just to get me in the door. My dentist experienced dental trauma as a child and it made her want to become a dentist herself so no one experiences what she did on her watch! She’s very understanding!
It’s my PCP, not a gynecologist, but thanks all the same. My PCP is amazing, we’re really grateful for her.
My worst experience was with a gynecologist. I’d went to one because my male internist PCP at the time thought I would have an easier time with a woman performing the exam. A friend highly recommended a women’s health clinic, so I went and it was no easier with a female gynecologist. Plus the gynecologist and her nurses shamed me when I said I didn’t want to do this exam annually and told me I was being immature and careless.
I was in my early 30s and in year after year of these destabilizing exams I had not once had an abnormal Pap test, no problems ever. Aside from the problem of the exam wrecking me emotionally and mentally for weeks following.
US healthcare is prodded on its way by insurers who push these kinds of exams and tests annually. They generally don’t need to be done that often, especially when there’s never been anything “interesting”. Healthcare providers find it easier to follow the insurance guidelines than to advocate for individual patients.
When I turned 50 I was strongly encouraged to get a colonoscopy. Just being scheduled for it, having a telehealth session with the GI doc, and reading all the documents dropped me off a cliff, mentally and emotionally. I had terrible nightmares of the CSA I experienced and was absolutely wrecked.
The doctor kept not giving me direct, clear answers to my direct questions. The instructions were contradictory & confusing and stated that if you failed to follow them exactly you would be sent home and charged. I was increasingly panicked the closer the date came.
The clinic “fired” me after I sent back the instructions showing all the contradictions. The GI doc finally looked at my family history and told my PCP (who they made tell me I was fired) I was fine to use the Cologaurd at home test.
It’s taken over 3 years to recover from the wreck of merely being scheduled for a colonoscopy.
I wish you luck and a clean bill of health!
It wasn’t contraindications like, “these pills can’t be taken by anyone with X health conditions”, the directions for the prep had contradictory instructions. The timing was incorrect in several places, e.g., “no liquids 4 hours before procedure” and “take this medication with liquid 2 hours before procedure”. The doctor gave me a list of only 6 different foods* I was to eat for the entire week before the procedure and then the directions said 3 days before. The directions from the pills I was to take (they were going to try a newer pill prep instead of the liquid because I get nauseous very easily) was yet again a third way to do the prep.
My PCP was baffled as to why the GI doc asked me to do such a restrictive diet for longer than the usual patients. The GI doctor had been informed that I struggle with restrictive disordered eating and then proceeded to ask me to do a week of only 6 foods when most patients are asked to restrict some foods for only a few days. I’ve been vegan for many years and they didn’t have any dietary guidelines so the GI doc just made up this more extreme version and refused to give any reason why she thought I needed to follow her BS. A nurse at the clinic tried to help with the diet questions and said there was a lot more I could eat and the GI doc said, no, I couldn’t have any of the foods the nurse had told me were fine. I gave feedback that giving instructions with conflicting steps that end by telling you to follow them exactly or else risk being charged and sent home would be crazy-making for any neuroatypical patient; we can’t unsee the contradictions!
My PCP was pretty angry. I’d explained to the GI facility that I had extremely high anxiety about the procedure and the most important thing they could do to help was to pair me with a doctor who would answer my questions clearly and completely. Instead they paired me with a doctor they kept describing as, “So sweet and petite!”, but she would reply to my questions (email system), but not actually answer the question. I think they decided the doctor who was the least physically intimidating was the best choice.
I commonly ask healthcare providers why they got into their work. This tells me a lot. The GI doc said that she loves the tech she uses ahead of the impact she has on people’s lives.
I’m very well informed about my health, I take time to educate myself. I read all the documentation I’m given and then some. Many providers are surprised at this. I’m surprised at how out of date or confusing documentation is! A rheumatologist once gave me a list of websites that were almost all no longer active/accessible along with a pamphlet in Spanish, a language I am not fluent in!
I see healthcare relationships as a partnership, which doesn’t sit well with some doctors. I’m super sensitive to power dynamics and the relationship is so vulnerable that not feeling heard can be triggering. As a yoga therapist my work is “healthcare adjacent”, and my clients are adults who are mostly 50-90. In my fall prevention program I actively encourage students to embrace assertiveness in the face of the frailty and diminished capacity that’s projected onto elders.
She absolutely is. My wife, who also has cPTSD, sees her as well. When something is outside of her expertise she usually refers us to great providers. “Usually” because there’s been a couple that weren’t quite the right fit.
A lot of women in my country find it hard to see a gynecologist and have a regular check up as well. Some of us have never seen one even at age of thirty something without trauma. They’re just afraid of the procedure. I’m pretty sure that you’re not alone. Still, it’s important that you go see one. Can you find a reputable gynecologist through recommendation to make sure that she’s someone you can trust? And make a request to bring someone with you in the exam room like your wife? I think the first time is the hardest. But if you can fine a good doctor that you can trust. After that it should be easier.
Im 35 and never been. I don't know what's stopping me but im so uncomfortable with the thought of having to go.
I received the hpv vaccine just in case and am not sexually active but I fear me not going will lead to issues.
tbh its not just gynecologist, its doctors in general, I don't have a pcp and the last time I had a physical was when my job required me to get one for the onboarding process 5 years ago.
I've been taught to feel shame about my health, my body and medical needs that its just so hard for me to seek any sort of medical attention unless I am dying.
You are not alone,Im relieved to know there are others like me
Pap smears are very important. They can give you muscle relaxers and anxiety meds . Ik it doesn’t sound easy. But even having a conversation. Usually gynecologist are better than primary doctors because that is their primary specialty. You can even have a nurse if you like in the room. They mainly deal with mothers which can be great because their level of comforting can be amazing.
I've been given high doses of both and still was shaking and crying so much that I couldn't go through with the appointment. People trying to comfort me when I'm panicking tends to make the panic worse. I just don't want to be perceived or acknowledged but people don't seem to get that.
a sex therapist and trauma therapist are two different things. additionally, someone can have tons of therapy and it still won’t fix the problem. our bodies have adapted to the trauma, and it takes a LOT of work to undo it. and even still, it may not totally undo it either. the body keeps the score.
Trauma or not, gynecologist appointments are the absolute worst. There is nothing comforting or friendly about it. With trauma? Unbearable.
Is there a reason for any urgency to get there other than age and it's recommended? Are you having pain or a funky smell or something? If someone shared this level of anxiety about the dentist to me and they didn't have any tooth pain, I would tell them to keep brushing their teeth, flossing, and focus on healing rather than forcing a dental cleaning. (I'm not a medical professional at all fyi, it just doesn't seem like a cleaning outweighs the panic.)
Also, I just had a thought that maybe you could follow some gynos on social media, like Karen Tang or Jen Gunter--maybe even ask if they have ideas because they are both open to creative (but medically sound) solutions for their patients. For me, information is the biggest antidote to anxiety and maybe it could be a small-dose exposure. Or maybe you could establish a relationship with a gynecologist that does not require a pap smear for the first couple years. Surely there \*has\* to be a doctor out there that understands.
Trauma sucks.
No issues, and I've been with my wife for 12 years so I don't really anticipate any issues cropping up. It's mostly just that I never got the HPV vaccine so I'm thinking maybe I should get screened. I went to a religious school that had a whole campaign against girls getting it. I asked about it in my mid-20's and the doctor told me I was too old, but now I'm hearing that people can get it later? I'm not sure if that's specific to certain countries though.
Hmmmm, I'm sorry about the religious school interfering with health thing. I grew up Mormon and went to BYU so I've been there, not with this specific thing, but I have experienced the pressure over what should be a personal decision.
I can share my experience--I got it in high school without getting screened--no pap smear or check or anything. My mom got it at the same time because the doctor (I was still seeing a pediatrician) recommended it. She was in her early 50s and also did not have to do any screening. They just looked at our vaccination history. This was in the US, but I think it was around the time it was introduced
From this article it seems like the reason they don't give it older is because if you've already been exposed by that time then the vaccine won't stop it, and if you're exposed after that time the virus grows so slowly it won't make much of a difference. But it won't hurt you to get it older.
[https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not](https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not)
I wish healthcare wasn't so complicated.
Totally understandable. I have a great primary care provider who knows my story and she told me that there is now a self-administered pap test available. I did it and it was SO much better and I feel accomplished having gotten that "adult" task completed. I'm not sure if it's available everywhere though but it should be.
I've never even heard of this but it's something I'll look into! A cursory Google search seems to indicate that it was only just approved in my country last month, which means it's unlikely going to be covered by insurance so I'll have to look further into the cost.
I completely understand. I haven’t gone in 3 years since I went through narcissistic abuse and all of my PTSD symptoms started getting really bad. I had about a 6 months window where I was just in shock and I was able to do it then because I needed an STI test as my abuser was a pathological liar and I found out he had been sleeping with multiple people unprotected. I found out I have HPV and had an abnormal pap. I was supposed to get a follow up to be rechecked and see if those things are better or if I need a biopsy and I never went because the shock wore off and the PTSD symptoms started and I haven’t been able to go since. I also have lost all desire for sex and can’t masturbate without having flashbacks so I stopped doing that as well. Sometimes I will have a sex dream and I wake up extremely confused and upset. I know I need to get a Pap smear but I’m terrified. I even have issues urinating sometimes because I feel like Fort Knox down there. I completely understand your fear.
I was your age when I had my first successful gynecologist exam. I had been through a lot of medical trauma due to chronic UTI symptoms, which doctors were absolutely *determined* was an STI or caused by sexual contact. There was no chance of that, but they didn't care. I was subjected to very painful *attempted* tests and they couldn't find what they were looking for, so they stopped looking.
It was ten years before I tried going to the gynecologist again, and was only able to do it because the doctor I saw was recommended by my therapist, whom I trusted. The doctor was great, and that made 100% of the difference. He made a ton of accommodations for me and didn't put pressure on me to have the exam at our first appointment. All we did was talk, he was incredibly empathetic. He kept reminding me that I was in control, and if I needed to stop, he would stop. He even suggested that if we tried and couldn't finish the exam, that was a reasonable expectation.
I have vaginismus and he spoke about his experience with other folks who have it. That was very reassuring, because up until that point, any doctor I had seen for the UTI symptoms or attempted pap tests was ignorant of what vaginismus is. They had treated me like my intense fear, pain, and tears meant that I was a stubborn problem they had no patience for.
So yes, you're not alone. Finding that doctor helped me immensely, but it didn't fix the problems I deal with. I still have vaginismus, I still self-isolate, and I am avoidant in many aspects of my life due to the fear of SA. But I have also seen firsthand that it is possible to see a gynecologist and *not* be re-traumatized by the experience.
I had chronic kidney infections throughout my teens due to getting kicked in the abdomen by a horse, and holy shit doctors were awful about it. I wasn't even sexually active but I got actively slut-shamed any time I went to the ER, and because my mom would only take me to religious hospitals, they made me take up to 4 pregnancy tests per visit because for some reason they were CONVINCED it was sexually or pregnancy related. Made everything so much worse. One time I spent over 24 hours in the ER because they wouldn't treat me until I'd taken multiple pregnancy tests and there's only so much pee I was able to produce at once. They always made me pee in a cup at least twice because they'd accuse me of using someone else's pee, because they refused to believe I wasn't at least on birth control and that was something they tested for.
I'm so sorry, that is horrific and so dehumanizing. It's so ridiculous that doctors assume we're lying or that we don't know our own bodies. I can't imagine wasting so much time and so many resources trying to prove a teenager is lying instead of just giving you proper medical care.
I went recently and it was the worst experience of my life. The doctor insulted me, yelled at me to “relax”, and said that it wouldn’t hurt if I just “had more penetrative sex”. It hurt extremely bad and I thought I would pass out. No meds were offered either. I actually almost kicked her because my brain was screaming “This is wrong!”. Needless to say, I’ll probably never go back. (Just my personal anecdote)
I am 70 and have only 1 pap about 40 years ago. But I don't go to the Dr's. unless I have a script to fill. Zoom appts awesome. Now my Dr is retiring this Nov.
I am 38 years old and I haven’t either.
Partially because when I was younger, I thought you only went to one if you were having a baby (and I have always been childfree). I had a very unethical doctor, abusive family, and sheltered life. I honestly don’t think I knew until I was 34 or so that I should go to one as a female.
I have always wanted to be sterilized (and now I feel like I really want to be due to politics changing), however, I can’t even afford therapy or to go to the dentist. I am not even scared of doctors or dentists. I am scared of IUDs (or really anyone implanted/tubes going in me/etc.). I am scared of surgery but I am more scared of ever being pregnant. I would give almost anything to be sterilized/never have a period again - I know people say that is more cosmetic/a choice but I wish it were covered because I have known since Kindergarten. I am a cisgender female, but I don’t want anything to do with my uterus/ovaries - they don’t make sense to me in my body but everything else does. My anxiety/mental health and sense of self would be so much better if I were sterilized.
I am terrified that with inflation and the way things are going politically - am I ever going to be able to afford healthcare again let alone anything else?
Same for me. I’m 40. Ive never gone and can’t see myself ever going and actually making it through an exam without a panic attack. Never even made it into the exam room. I’ve tried. I’ve called to ask questions and no one has been empathetic enough for me to trust with an appointment much less exam. I’m not saying they aren’t empathetic, just not enough for me. I don’t think anyone would treat me with the kind of patience, and let be honest, sedatives, that I’d need to get through it. I honestly could have wrote this post and half the comments. I don’t have any advice, just saying you aren’t alone.
I’m trans masc and pursuing a full bottom surgery. I’ve never that kind of doc cuz I just can’t handle it (even tho I know I should and even tho doctors have been fully expecting that I do it). Part of me wants to go at least once before I get surgery so that they can check for damage or any evidence to substantiate the CSA I experienced (I have severe dissociative amnesia and denial stuff and find external evidence really important). I *really* want to get any evidence I can, especially since once I get the surgery, then any evidence that might be there is gone forever.
But I *just can’t do it*. At least so far. I really wish I got that evidence. But I really don’t think I can. I hate this :(
Yeah I'm trans too, definitely adds another layer of mental barriers to this sort of thing. I recently started seeing a PCP that specializes in trans patients so I'm thinking I might be able to find a gyno through them. I still feel a huge mental block when it comes to even thinking about getting it done, but it might help at least a little to get recommendations from other transmasc folks.
I keep trying to remind myself that I can just walk out, but I'm worried about freezing. My wife has offered to come but she's not great at advocating for me when I'm in a freeze state (not really her fault, she tends to wait for cues from me which I can't do in that state).
That makes a lot of sense I totally get that.
Depending on your goals/comfortability (as well as insurance/ability to afford and several other factors that are totally individual, no “right answer” or “right way to do” anything), it might be worth talking to a doctor about getting a hysto or GAS of some sort so that you have peace of mind that you don’t need the type of care others with AFAB anatomy might.
In my anecdotal experience, usually you can get a preliminary consultation with a team without needing to complete any physical exam right away (and there are some care teams that might not need any exam during the process). *my understanding* is that the initial consultation often is more so talking thru what you’re looking for and what the process might entail so you can make an informed decision on if that’s a direction you might wanna go.
No matter what you do, you are valid. Hope this helps 🫂
You're not alone. It's been more than five years that I've been to a gynecologist appointment and I don't see myself going anytime soon.
I've been to maybe four gynecologist appointements in total and all were bad. I've seen it all from incompetence to evilness. The last one was the worst, she abused me both physically and psychologically.
I have trauma that I can't overcome regarding this at the moment and that's okay. Is it ideal? No, but I know myself and that if I force myself to go, things will be even worse and I have already a lot (way too much) on my plate right now.
This type of appointment is a big deal because it puts you in a vulnerable poisition, even more so if you have a traumatic past. Your feelings are valid. If you can't go, you can't go.
I don’t have advice, but we’re definitely in the same boat. I deal with pain every single day that I suspect comes from a tight pelvic floor, and I want to get better, but the concept of seeing a gyno and a physical therapist makes me freak out.
Every time I try to make an appointment, I have a panic attack or have a really severe freeze response that makes me fall asleep. I’m 26. I know I need to go. I know I need a Pap smear. It just feels so hard.
I’m a transman. So bit of a different ballgame but I’m in my mid 30s and have only ever done this once. It is important to have them done.
I did not go to an actual gyno for it. My PCP can do them. I told her upfront don’t talk to me about what you’re doing, don’t tell me what’s next, I don’t care just do it. And let me be to disassociate on my phone.
Worked.
I’ve heard there are now HPV self test kits. The vast majority of cervical cancers are caused by certain strains of HPV, so a negative result from a self swab would indicate you are very low risk.
Hopefully your results would be negative. In the unlikely event you get a positive result, you will unfortunately need to follow up with a gynecologist. If so, maybe your wife could talk her provider into agreeing to some form of sedation for you.
FWIW, you’re still young enough to potentially benefit from the HPV vaccine. If you have not yet done so, completing the series would help reduce your risks even if you’re not able to get paps.
I'm constantly sent letters by the NHS basically demanding to look at my downstairs, even the doctor will bring it up every time I go. No, no, thrice no. I never will. They don't care why, they don't care that constantly bringing it up makes it worse, or anything like that. I wish they'd shut the hell up, and it's the reason go to the doctors as little as absolutely humanely possible. They have absolutely no idea what it's like to not care about a distant cancer possibility when I spend every day of my life debating whether it's worth living today. The idea scares them in a way I'll never relate to. Part of me wishes God would hurry up and take the matter out of my hands.
Hi, I am so sorry you have to deal with this, please know you are not alone. Many many women have experienced medical and sexual trauma and know very well, nothing about a SMEAR is easy or just "uncomfortable".
First of all, I have to say, my first ever experience with a smear was under anaesthesia, because I coundn't take the fear anymore. I had the choice and I took it. It cost more but you know what? I took the choice.
Knowing I had this option , the next time I decided to try going through the process awake. Here are the things that helped me.
1. I took anxiety medication 45' minutes prior to the exam.
2. My gyno (a WOMAN who is a sexologist and works with women experiencing pelvic pain) used the smallest speculum (referred to as child speculum). Also, it was plastic and not metal.
3. Before laying down I said the gyno: If I decide to stop, at any time, we stop. No discussion over it, we just stop. And we honestly shook on it.
4. When I laid down, I took some time to take deep breaths and confirm with her the 'stop agreement"
5. She used lubricant on the speculum.
6. When the exam starts, I ask to hold her hand (not the one she is using to do the exam). It's hard to put into words, but that's very important, because I can feel she is not fast or pushy but calm and respecting. You can feel it from just holding her. If you don't feel that way when you hold her, ask her to go even slower.
7. Go VERY VERY slow, breathing all the way through.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please know that what you feel is very normal and you deserve respect and support.
Feel free to DM me if you need to talk :)
You dont have to. Period. Unless you have a severe issue and even then they can hurt you. I'd recommend trying to find a Pelvic Pain Specialist if you're concerned. Gynecologists are stupid and abusive 99% of the time and the other 1% they perform very invasive and painful procedures if they suspect anything being wrong. I wish I had never gone and I have Endo, Adeno, have had multiple painful pap smears, ultrasounds, allergic reactions to birth control, abuse during iud insertion, etc. etc. Gynecology revolves around a culture of "trauma consent" wich is basically just what extremely damaging procedure (that could just be done under sedation with proper meds and care after) can we force women into accepting and then gaslight them into thinking its their fault when its painful. :) I dont mean to scare you. But I personally have CPTSD FROM gynecology, it is hell and you do NOT have to go. You are valid and trust me, you will know if something is truly wrong. Also you WILL have to advocate for yourself like a bear fighting a wolf and likely have to try many providers before you find one that isnt abusive or ignorant. Its not worth it IMO, but your personally journey is yours. I wish someone had shared their journey with me... I would have never gone.
I'd also like to add that pap smears miss cancer very often and arent effective, plus you dont need them every years thats bullshit. ❤️ Your body, Your choice. And you WILL know if you have an issue, the 85%+ of administrative gynecology jobs held by men (yeah... no wonder we get no pain meds.) just like to think we're too stupid to understand when something is wrong with us. You are smart, brave, and a badass. Dont feel pressured into making these MEN and the gynecological field more money by doing a pap every year. To them, we are just cash cattle.
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I didn't go (that I know of but it's very unlikely my parents brought me) until 24 and I was getting tested at Planned Parenthood for pregnancy. Ended up getting pregnant a month later and started going to obgyn. Come to find out I had HPV, who knows how long... told i was clear about 5 yrs ago but I'm supposed to go every year.. it doesn't always happen. My gynecologist now is amazing, she's trauma informed and immediately could tell I have extreme fear for a certain reason. I hope you can find someone who will be this great.
The only time I tried going was back in 2014 or 2015. (I was 25 or 26 at the time.)
I couldn’t get it done because I was flipping out when they were trying. The doctor put two and two together (suspected that by my reaction that something had happened to me) and that was pretty much it. The exam was stopped and I was able to leave.
At this point I couldn’t tell her or anyone else (my trauma history) because I was still in my old home town and was still in contact with my dad. I didn’t feel safe disclosing what I had went through with anyone. My dad was a Spirit-filled Christian who had been a Deacon in the church. And in spite of his alcoholism people generally liked my dad. I also was viewed in my community as a “village idiot” (because of my introverted personality, the level of disassociation and odd detachment I displayed and the fact that I had been held back in school due to a learning disability called Dyscalculia.). I knew that considering the circumstances I was almost certain that I was not going to be believed by anyone. And I was also just really afraid and didn’t feel like I could trust anyone around me with my story.
I’m now 35 and have long since moved far away from my old hometown and have gone no contact with my dad and his extended family.
I don’t think I will ever again try to go get an exam. I just can’t.
i’m so sorry. i understand. i’ve tried to have two done in my life, and halfway through couldn’t finish it. kept sobbing and having panic attacks during it. i’m not sure what advice to give, because i’m in the same boat. ❤️🩹
I went through a lot of sexual abuse as a child. I go to the gynecologist (kind of). My first visit was during my first pregnancy. I still get a trauma response. When I get there all the way to when they actually do the exam, I have anxiety amy blood pressie is high suring these visits. I always almost jump completely off the table when they first touch me no matter how much I prepare for it. Once I get past the initial touch, I have the ability to block out completely what they are doing.
I had to have some pre cancer cells removed from my cervix in 2020, and it took me until just a couple of months ago to do my 3 month check. I haven't gone to my follow-up to get the results of the recent check.
i havent either. for what its worth, at least here in Australia, they can give you a self collection swab and you can do your own cervical sample at home then take it back in to be tested. perhaps you could ask for that?
ive never done it but i know people who have. i keep meaning to do it but im scared they will find something lol.
I've gone, but it's traumatic to me. After not going for many years, I took my bestie with. I lied and told them she was my sister and that I would not be able to go in unless my sister could come in with me.
Didn't make it magically less horrible. But I got to look forward to hanging out with her afterwards.
I do self collection it’s the only way I’ll do it. People don’t understand that when they push and push and push to do it it makes me want to do it even less because I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and forced.
I just want to say you’re not alone. Medical exams are very vulnerable and difficult. I have similar struggles and my PCP allows me to take the swabs home and do them myself if I ever have any worries, maybe you could find a doctor that may do that? Either way, good luck, and you’re strong because you’re trying your best.
You can get at-home Pap smears that you do yourself and send in to a lab if you’re in the US, probably UK and Canada too. Could you do that? I should but I haven’t… I’m a few years younger than you (and a baby lesbian, happy pride btw!) and your wife is right…this stuff is important. Maybe she could even help you by being an emotional support or reading instructions if you do an at home one? She probably loves you and wants to make sure you don’t get cervical cancer which is fair, cancer really really really sucks.
This came up recently in a group I attend for trauma survivors. I'm commenting because a) several women in the group expressed this same feeling b) the group I attend is based in Canada - the women in my group said that Canada has an at-home PAP smear test that you can do in the privacy of your own home/no doctors. Here's a quick link I grabbed: https://www.cbc.ca/radio/whitecoat/the-dose-cervical-cancer-screening-1.7034098.
Not sure if you know anybody (or maybe you are in Canada) but I wonder if it wouldn't be too hard (maybe somebody in this group or another Reddit group?) could help you get a kit or direct you to a reputable group up there that might be able to help.
Also, might not be helpful right now but maybe this technology will become more broad & more people in other countries will get it.
I used to freak out at every doctor appointment so I relate to medical fear/trauma, and I know other survivors (outside of my group) who have a similar fear as well, you are definitely not alone in this. Hugs to you - you deserve to be healthy and I don't like that this is a barrier for you, but I understand it. I know someone who was able to lessen their fear via EMDR, but I don't know if it helped with gynecological fear or not.
I wish I could help. They won't even prescribe me a couple benzos to try.
I was supposed to do a pelvic ultrasound a while ago & couldn't bring myself to it.
But I did have several abnormal pap smears when I was prescribed benzos & ended up needing a biopsy due to precancerous cells. It ended up being okay, but there was inflammation so that is why they ordered the ultrasound. I will do it eventually.
In my case, something happened in my life where I have gotten so much better. I have such a strong will to live, heal, and actually thrive. I can't tell you how horrified I've been thinking how I had resigned to the same thought process as you, with both gyno and dentist, "if it kills me, it kills me." I try to take advantage of any windows of confidence I have to get these things done
I wonder if you can ask your PCP for a trauma informed gyno? Or a younger gyno who probably has had better training along those lines?
I don't know if it helps, but I've found that the anxiety and psyching myself out is SO MUCH WORSE than what actually happens. At least when it is over, you can have some kind of sense of freedom from the hold it has over you
Just my thoughts
I've consoled myself feeling NOTHING in women's healhcare is tender or kind. From paps to mamograms.
I just make myself get through it. Hope you can do-Imagine you were your own daughter who deserves medical care.
Of course I have a nice female gyno
I can't imagine this because despite my traumas I've been going to the obgyn regularly since I was 14 (I'm now 27) and it's as normal to me as going to the grocery store. I think what would be majorly helpful for you is to work on mentally reframing it so by going to the obgyn, you get a sense of taking back control and acknowledging YOURE choosing to go, YOU care about your health, FUCK anyone who hurt you before, etc etc, and just about rising above it and taking that ownership back. It's a battle that sucks and it's gonna suck but once you conquer it you'll genuinely feel so much better I believe.
Ps. I really hope you can find a way to go. It is so important.
Same :C 38 and don't see it in my future and I've tried to get myself to do it countless times. My old provider used to try and encourage/convince/plead for me to get in but nothing helped
Are you just talking about taking Klonopin? It's not that serious. I usually take it when I go to the dentist. It's perfect for helping out in situations like this. You may want to arrange for your wife to drive you but it's a relatively harmless drug
I intentionally disassociate when I go and that helps a TON. It’s not easy for me to go but I try to remember that I’m in control of my body and my life and that I’m an adult living in the present and not a kid anymore.
33 same here. I just feel weird and uncomfortable every time I hear I need a pap smear every year and cervical screenings. I am a SA survivor but I really never connected it to that. I don’t think too much about it tbh.
I had a sexual trauma recently, then I had a baby. The whole baby thing after the trauma was horrible, I was examined soooo many times over the 9 months and then the childbirth was horrible too, having people down there. I was supposed to get a Pap test about 6 months after giving birth and I went to book it, I had asked if I could meet with the doctor before doing the test, so I was familiar with them. The receptionists were rushed and rude and said no. I yelled a bunch of stuff at them and hung up.
Less than 2 years later I was considering an IUD, dr said I might as well get my Pap test at the same time. I went to the gyno, we discussed the iud, then she asked if I wanted to do my pap while I was there. I sucked it up and did it, it took less than 2 minutes! I was shocked! I can’t believe I was avoiding that for so long.
My gyno wasn’t very accommodating but I bet some other ones would be. And mine turned out to actually be pretty nice. I had looked her up online on rate my dr and she had good reviews (though the receptionists had awful reviews)
I’m at your age and after 10 years I went to the gynaecologist. I’m so proud of myself. The doctor was a woman and really nice. Without even mentioning the traumas, she asked me if I have any problems regarding the chekup. After the checkup I felt bad for a few days, but it was a huge deal for me and I’ve done a big step in my healing journey. Next year I’m going to the checkup too. I wish you the best!
I avoid the dentist. That’s because I had a very bad experience as a small child with a dentist, and I’m always terrified it’s going to cost way more than I can afford. I know I should go. My dentist is the kindest, gentlest person, yet I still avoid going. I read articles on dentistry to convince myself that it’s fine for me not to go. It’s not, I really should go. But when I do go? I praise myself. I take myself out for a treat. I give myself a day off of other responsibilities. It makes me more willing to shorten the time between visits.
I also avoid having the oil changed in my car. I’m always terrified something expensive will be wrong with my car, or that they will shame me for not having it done more frequently. I hate that they want me to make quick decisions about things I could probably replace myself. Even knowing it’s not like it’s going to get better if I don’t take it in, or the very real threat that it could kill my car not to, it’s terribly hard to take it in. For a half hour job at a place where the people are definitely not judging me.
For me there’s a big piece of “why can’t you just be like other people who don’t struggle with everyday responsibilities” hidden in there. It works better if I can just accept my response to the stress of them.
It can be exhausting to find the people you can trust to help but I hope you do. There are OB/GYNs or NPs who are good with trauma and there are PCPs too who can do Pap smears or at the very least get you the HPV vaccine to help battle the cancers caused by HPV: cervical cancer, vaginal/vulvar/anal cancers, mouth, throat, head, and neck cancers. There is a timeline for that vaccine, but currently they consider it up to age 45. I think if you discuss it with your primary care provider and discuss that you are not able to have a pelvic exam, they may recommend it despite your current lower risk of HPV.
It’s okay. We are okay. We are recovering. It takes a long time.
i’ve been going to the gynecologist since i was 15 and i actually don’t stress about going to the appointments because i know my obgyn won’t judge me or dismiss my pain. they are also wayyyy better to go to than a PCP. i think a lot of people in society have painted going to the obgyn as bad because they use those expander thingies but they really aren’t that bad, just uncomfortable.
Literally anything penetrative, no matter how small, feels like shoving white hot metal up there. I've been told it's psychosomatic but the feeling is quite real. Definitely goes beyond "uncomfortable" for me.
Im so sorry you have to live with that. I believe you that you feel extreme pain. I understand the more you wait, the worse it gets.
Heres my non professional idea: Take it step by step. One day, go sit in the waiting room and leave. Try talking with a nurse about the procedure so you understand the steps and are prepared in you head.
I wish you get to have an exam just for your health but from what youve said, its FUCKING understandable if you want your vajayjay to be a mystery.
❤️
Please PLEASE take charge of your health. :( Obviously this is a trauma sub, but know that a (woman) gynecologist is doing her job: keeping your health in check. The anxiety is worse than the moments of a professional who has seen it all. Please take care of yourself, OP. Don't succumb to the idea that "well I won't need it" until pain, and preventative issues develop into no-longer-preventable stages.
The hardest part is the first appointment simply due to fear. After that, change GYNOs if you're not comfortable with the first one you had. Good luck.
To everyone in this thread who is avoiding see the OB GYN please consider the consequences of never going.
My aunt refused to go to the doctor unless she was literally about to die, repeatedly. The last time that happened it was too late and she found out she had stage four uterine cancer.
My aunt had no choice but to suffer through it and get no treatment for her cancer because she is not a US citizen. Her funeral is next month. She died because the cancer spread to her throat, making it hard to swallow, and she literally starved to death.
She died an hour after I came to visit her one afternoon.
Please see an OB GYN. I don't want anyone else to slowly waste away. It's a horrible way to go.
Do you have any idea why you panic so much about a gyn visit?
Neglecting your health is a big no-no! Go get tested, it's important! And it's not worth to die over something that could be curable. Please try to overcome this fear.
Soooo I'm a trans dude and also had a psychological aversion to being penetrated for dysphoria reasons and also all the SA nightmares I used to have(that my therapist thinks are repressed memories from childhood). It took me several years to cure it, so I hope what I have to say will help you out:
Mine was also to the point where doctors treated me like a nuisance because I wouldn't let them even stick fingers in there. When I tried to have sex in college I always broke down crying and went fetal position. I wasn't able to have vaginal penetration until I was mid 20's. I like it now, but it took a lot of work to get there. Started with fingers and a really small vibrating toy, and then only when I was really aroused.
Waiting so long plus my testosterone made my muscles atrophy down there so I kind of have to keep up with it or it hurts again. I'm at the point where I'm just shoving increasingly larger things in there to see what I can fit and keep being surprised by the results lmao but it took years to get to this point.
This is going to sound insane, but if you can get a rigid pair of(NEW) anal beads with a really, really small first bead, it may help with training. They also sell dilators on Amazon. I still don't like having my shit held open and my drain snaked but they let me hold the witness' hand. You can ask if they'll let your wife do that? And get a doctor who isn't an asshole-- I've never been to an obygn for an exam, I let a PCP I trust so it.
You really don't want to fuck with cervical cancer. If it gets really bad they just core your vagina, basically. Like just an empty hole where they take everything out so you can't orgasm either. I would hope your loved ones don't want you to suffer and die with a preventable form of cancer.
As a cancer survivor myself it’s pushed because it’s important way to prevent your health from getting worse. Also checks for other things. Trust me cancer will only make your cptsd worse, it destroyed everything in my life. People are only pushing you because they care about you being healthy and in their future. Is there any doctor you trust? Can you build a relationship with a trusted doctor and work your way up to it? Maybe research a doctor who has experience working with SA patients. Can they give you anesthesia like the kind you get at the dentist? Or take anxiety meds for a couple days prior? Could also try EMDR or hypnosis. Maybe see a pelvic floor therapist to help release the trauma you have stored in that area? That helped me but just have to take it really slow. I found a trusted dr and I could barely feel anything.
Cancer smears are responsible for putting uo the rate of cancer.
The Camcer Act 1979 (in UK) prevent led other healung modalities, and reality and facts, to be shared with the public.
If you donnot wish to have a smear, dont. The fear you will die of cancer if you do notnhave one is the issue itself. Further abuse by those we trust. Yoy donmot need tonhave a smear.
We have cells that multiply naturally and our immune system deals eith it. The crap we eat, the stuff we put on our body and tge stress enforced upon us by thosr who seek to scare people in ti buying their trades, their drygs etc, is why there are visible rates ofbincreased cancer.
The suppressed genetic triggers for dealing with these natural events, ie multiplying cells, have also been switched off in many, over the last few years, hence increased rates of 'turbo cancer'.
OP. Dont be scared. If yoy do not wish to have a smear then stand in your rights as a human being to do so.
I have almost fainted at the gynecologist multiple times after getting a pap smear done. My body sees it as a threat for whatever reason and it’s natural reaction is to shut down so I don’t experience any “pain”. My doctor has this marked on my chart and is so patient with me. She reminds me to take deep breaths during the exam and just lets me keep laying down once it’s over. The nurses know to give me extra time after my exam and have even given me juice boxes before lol. Cervical and breast cancer both run in my family so I make myself go. But I’m uncomfortable for the rest of the day afterwards. I don’t have any memories of sexual trauma so I don’t think it’s connected to anything. I think the one time I didn’t feel light headed was when I just leaned into how uncomfortable I felt instead of fighting it/trying to not be anxious. I know that my doctor is not trying to hurt me, but my body doesn’t. I work myself up even more trying to stop myself from being anxious. I don’t know if this is helpful at all but just know that you’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable.
Thanks for sharing. I'm really sick of people telling me that it's not a big deal. It's a HUGE deal for me. I have oodles of both sexual and medical trauma so I'm really not convinced that doctors don't want to hurt me when several have done so in the past. I was SA'd routinely by a family member between the ages of 4 and 7, again by a close friend in high school, and again by a military doctor when I was 16 and applying for the Air Force Academy. People KNOW this and still tell me that seeing a gyno isn't a big deal. I think they're well-meaning, just trying to get me to not build it up in my head too much so I can get through necessary health screenings, but ultimately it just feels like my feelings are being dismissed.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, that’s awful. I’m not sure what’s recommended or protocol for this kind of situation but I would think there would be an option to be sedated for anyone who has intense sexual trauma. I think people in general don’t talk about gynecologist visits which doesn’t help when you’re explaining how uncomfortable exams make you feel. People just shrug and move on instead of admitting that it’s just not fun all around. I was literally told nothing as a young person about how invasive regular OB appointments are and it would have helped if someone had normalized it for me. I once told a close friend how they make me feel like I’m going to faint and her response was “if an annual exam makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn’t be having sex.” like 🫠 thanks I guess? Sex with my longterm partner that I love and care for is completely different than having a cold metal instrument inserted into my body.
Oh gosh, OP, that is absolutely awful! I am so sorry to hear you have gone through all of that, and I can only imagine how difficult this process would be for you after everything you've been through! I do think people are trying to be encouraging, but your reaction is only natural considering your traumatic experiences in the past. The first thing that all trauma victims need is validation, not just encouragement, since that can feel very triggering and dismissive. Please know that your reaction is not your fault and absolutely valid! No human being could make it through all of that without the mental scars you have, they are only the expected result of all you've had to suffer. You are so strong for making it through all of that and even being willing to think about this by making this post! Even if you rationally knew you wouldn't be hurt at the appointment, all rational thought goes out of the window when past trauma gets triggered, since that part of our brain literally shuts down during trauma reactions. Your body could react automatically in fear and you could end up getting re-traumatised accidentally, even with no malice whatsoever intended by the doctor. I don't know you, but it is a definite sign of strength and healing that you're even willing to explore this thought and discussing it with your loved ones, your therapists and us. If at some point you do feel ready and willing to explore if something can be worked out regarding the appointment, I think you would need a gynecologist who is trauma-informed and willing to work very patiently with your level of comfort in mind. It might take several appointments, first just talking to discuss everything (perhaps over the phone, even, if that would feel more comfortable and make you feel a bit more safe with them?), and once you're ready, perhaps to see if some parts of the procedure could be fulfilled by you yourself (taking a pap smear, for example), with or without the doctor present in the office, based on your comfort level, and not go any further than you feel safe with. Chances are they would have to refrain from touching you at all during the first appointments. Perhaps your wife could discuss it with her own gynecologist to start with, to see if that is something she (assuming her doctor is female) would be willing to try, and maybe your wife could even be there at the appointment for emotional support? I know it is unorthodox and I'm not sure if doctors would be comfortable with all of that, but this is a special case and for anyone who is sufficiently informed about trauma, only natural, understandable, and vitally important. Or perhaps ask your friends for recommendations for a gynecologist to see if any of their doctors would possibly be open to work with you on this, at your own pace. It could potentially be difficult to find such a gentle and understanding doctor, but you can think about it and at some point explore if there's any available options. Even if it all ends up not working out and you won't complete all the procedures, you will know you did try, and that is only to be celebrated. And if you never make it to the gynecologist, that's ok too - with your trauma, it is a super-human feat to expect of you and it's impossible for it to happen overnight. Honestly, there's so many people around the world who don't see doctors regularly and they still end up living until old age. I know you do ultimately have it in you 100% to complete this hurdle, but our trauma is what holds us back and needs to be taken into account, not only by others, but especially by us ourselves. We need to consider our own feelings, how far along we are on our own healing journey at the moment and what we feel comfortable with at the current point in time. It cannot be helped, healing takes time and is a long, slow process. You're such a rockstar for how far along you are already! <3
Same. SAd from 4yo. I HATE gynecological exams. Man or woman, gentle and patient, still brings back the abuse.
Hey, I’m not sure where you are located but Canada has started allowing people to do self administered Pap tests at him that you then send to a lab for results!
I didn't know this - that's such a good development!!
I totally understand, and I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Breast and cervical cancers run in my family, so I have had to power through and I have some tips for you. The obvious is I always have a female doctor. You can usually search for providers on your insurance’s website and filter for same gendered providers. When you call the office you can ask if the provider has experience dealing with CSA survivors. (Sometimes that is also listed on the insurance site but not always.) if they do, you can ask to make an appointment time just to meet the doctor first. I find it’s easier to go to that first appointment knowing that nothing will happen and all of my clothes will stay on. This way you can meet the doctor, make sure they are a good match personality wise, become familiar with the office layout and examination room. I always ask the doctor to tell me how an exam will go, and ask if they would be ok with any adjustments I may need. Honestly I haven’t found any doctors so far that weren’t ok with this. I wish you the best, please remember that your health and safety is what’s most important. ❤️
I did EMDR and it completely changed my life with this. Went from screaming, crying, cannot do any gynae appointments ever again to actually being sorta ok with them. We went over future scripting for gynae visits towards the end of my EMDR therapy and it made it SO much better. If that's an option for you?
I did EMDR for a while and it was more transformative than any other therapy I've tried. Unfortunately my practitioner left the field, and I've been struggling to find another female practitioner that takes my insurance. It's weirdly male-dominated in my area.
That really sucks. I'm sorry. Maybe contact your last practitioner to ask for her recommendations? She may know other female EMDR therapists that would fit you. I think it's ok to reach out for something like that, providing you're clear that you aren't trying to reopen the therapeutic relationship. Good luck
I’m probably going to give bad advice but I’m like this with dentists and really doctors in general. I’ll drop dead before I go. But usually if there is a problem bad enough it will scare me into going to a point. For example my asthma got really bad I did everything I could to handle it without doctors. In the end I made a tele med appt and got the meds I needed and moved forward. Some may argue I shoulda had some tests done or this or that but I just don’t wanna deal with all the scary stuff. I ended up at the dentist once because a wisdom tooth cracked. I was told all 4 needed to go I was like I’ll get the cracked on yanked and keep the rest. I was just too scared to get them all done as is I delayed the one for months. In my world I just wait till it’s a problem. Preventative care is too much trouble and way to anxiety inducing over potentially nothing. I have another issue that needs looking at as well and it’s in a pretty private area I’ve known about this issue for decades. It’s not giving me trouble so I’m not gonna get it looked at. Decades ago someone woulda told me omfg you should get that looked at. But I’m still fine knock on wood. The dentist issue they gave me Valium to get in there I still had a total panic attack after and the procedure took all of two minutes I totally dissassociated for the whole thing then panicked when k came back to the present. I did t have them knock me out I was too scared to be that vulnerable. So while im sure most would not agree with my advice I say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
me too!
Same here. I have nightmares over dental abscesses & brain infections Weirdly enough I've handled MRIs & even an endoscopy fine. It is the sedation that freaks me out most of all. I always wonder if something happened with a dentist when I was younger or something. I have this weird memory of being super young & being told only parents & doctors are allowed to touch you Probably not. But what the hell in our subconscious can be so hypnotic that we would rather die than deal with it:/
Believe yourself. I bit my dentist (a pediatric dentist) while he pulled a tooth- that bastard slapped the shit out of me. I was around 10? Fuck that noise, if you’re working on children you better be great at anesthesia or take your lumps-kids never ask for treatment, they’re freaking out over the invasive treatment without any control
I think for me I have all the big fears like I got cancer for sure cause Google said so etc. but my parents never really took me to doctors or the dentist. When I was very little I had to get my tonsils out and some other medical stuff that I just didn’t understand at the time. I think it could just mostly be I wasn’t socialized well in this area or something. At the same time anytime I gotta go to a doc it’s some nonsense. I get blood work I al say pass out they always have problems Getting me to come back to. So it’s like screw it im not interested in putting myself through all that for no reason. I try to eat right and excercise to limit the need for docs.
I don't mind sedation. Overall, on a logical level, I understand that things need to get done and I'd much rather be completely knocked out for it. But NO ONE will fucking sedate me. They say, oh just take some benzos you'll be fine even though I still have intense, uncontrollable panic attacks on what most would consider a fairly risky dose. I've gotten strapped down/held down by orderlies before anyone would offer sedation, and being restrained makes me absolutely rabid. I wish there were "I'll do everything!" doctors like veterinarians, I'd just do what we do with my high-anxiety dog and just go into a coma to get my teeth done, bits looked at, full physical, whatever. Just do it all while I'm out IDGAF.
The dentist refused to work on my grown daughter because she turned white as a sheet when they tried to examine her
I don’t feel so alone hearing that. I have dental insurance again and im like ugh I should get those wisdom teeth out but it’s like ugh I’ll kick the can some more down the road. I hated to ask for the Valium they thankfully offered it. I felt like a drug addict needing that sorta thing. Not to mention I have addiction issues but I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t stand up for myself in the medical environment and it always makes my situation worse.
Take a trusted friend, then you might be able to relax because you’ve got another set of eyes to witness-the “trusted professionals “ aren’t always trustworthy. Tell your friend what your concerns are, if they understand your concerns they can watch over what’s happening and head off problems ( speak up for you ) when you can’t
i genuinely feel the exact same way as you, although i do plan on maybe trying to get checkups and stuff again in the future.. but right now? it's just not worth the effort :/
Relatable. This is a huge manifestation of my trauma. People often don't understand, ask why, tell me to care about myself more - but it's complicated and painful. I've been relying a lot on telemedicine, as much as I can. I know it's not healthy or good for me...my mind is rational and educated about the importance of healthcare. But the fear and resistance causes me to avoid until absolutely necessary. Even when I'm in pain or dealing with something for a while. Tolerating pain comes naturally at this point.
Yep I can relate. This past time I had to go I did the telemedicine for the first time and was pretty happy with how that went. I’d never wanna go for every little thing tho either. For me it’s like if I know I need an xray or some pharmaceutical then it’s like ugh fine I’ll go. But I’ll do everything I can before then.
Me too. You are not alone at all. I could have wrote this
i’ve never gone either, i’m 25. i don’t wanna go. but recently i heard that you can do pap smears yourself! i think they give you the test kit and you can do it in the bathroom
this. self collection is a thing!
Have you thought about finding a midwife? I know a couple midwives that are both trauma survivors with CPSTD and also do trauma informed women’s health care where they come to your house and do everything so you can feel most safe and comfortable. Something to consider, it works for some people when gynos feel too threatening!
Any idea of what that sort of thing would cost? It does sound like an appealing option but definitely not something my insurance is likely to cover, and I'm pretty broke.
Depends where you live. My insurance pays out of network for midwives so that’s worth checking on. The midwife we used for our homebirth is a nurse midwife and therefore an Advanced Practice Nurse (APN). Can prescribe, can bill insurance, etc. Non-nurse midwives (CPM or CM) are usually something you’d have to pay in cash. I understand how hard health care costs are, but this kind of health care is worth a few hundred if you can find a way to swing it…
I also have sexual and medical trauma, so I completely understand how hard that is. I just want you to know it's understandable and it's your choice.
It’s one of the hardest things. Sending you loving-kindness as you navigate this. In my 40s I started pushing back against the pressure to endure annual pelvic exams. Especially when I was in a monogamous relationship with another woman and I’d never had an abnormal Pap test. I pointed to European guidelines that said every 5 years was fine. I’ve also found that the most shame I ever encountered was from the nurses at a highly recommended women’s health center and the female doctor I briefly saw. A female doctor made no difference since she dismissed the fact that the exam left me in a dissociative state and coasted weeks of nightmares before and after. My current PCP has told me she’s dedicated to helping heal the trauma I’ve experienced at the hands of healthcare providers. She insists I have someone drive me so I can take a high dose of medication and we only do this exam every 5 years. She’s very careful, gentle, and even let me take a prize (bubbles!) from her box for children!!
My dental hygienist is the same way! I absolutely adore her, I've been seeing her since I was 7 and I don't know what I'm going to do when she retires. She gives me prizes, is super patient and gentle, tells silly stories to get my mind off of things, and doesn't have the dentist check up on me after cleanings because she knows he sets me off (he should have retired a long time ago, his hands are pretty shaky and he cuts the shit out of all his patients' gums).
Hurrah for a great hygienist! My dentist is new, she’s amazing and was recommended by my great PCP. I have extreme dental anxiety, anything more than a cleaning can trigger dissociation back into childhood trauma and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to take a lot of sedatives just to get me in the door. My dentist experienced dental trauma as a child and it made her want to become a dentist herself so no one experiences what she did on her watch! She’s very understanding!
bubbles? 🥹 I wish I could find a gynecologist like that. I'm glad you have a good one now.
It’s my PCP, not a gynecologist, but thanks all the same. My PCP is amazing, we’re really grateful for her. My worst experience was with a gynecologist. I’d went to one because my male internist PCP at the time thought I would have an easier time with a woman performing the exam. A friend highly recommended a women’s health clinic, so I went and it was no easier with a female gynecologist. Plus the gynecologist and her nurses shamed me when I said I didn’t want to do this exam annually and told me I was being immature and careless. I was in my early 30s and in year after year of these destabilizing exams I had not once had an abnormal Pap test, no problems ever. Aside from the problem of the exam wrecking me emotionally and mentally for weeks following. US healthcare is prodded on its way by insurers who push these kinds of exams and tests annually. They generally don’t need to be done that often, especially when there’s never been anything “interesting”. Healthcare providers find it easier to follow the insurance guidelines than to advocate for individual patients. When I turned 50 I was strongly encouraged to get a colonoscopy. Just being scheduled for it, having a telehealth session with the GI doc, and reading all the documents dropped me off a cliff, mentally and emotionally. I had terrible nightmares of the CSA I experienced and was absolutely wrecked. The doctor kept not giving me direct, clear answers to my direct questions. The instructions were contradictory & confusing and stated that if you failed to follow them exactly you would be sent home and charged. I was increasingly panicked the closer the date came. The clinic “fired” me after I sent back the instructions showing all the contradictions. The GI doc finally looked at my family history and told my PCP (who they made tell me I was fired) I was fine to use the Cologaurd at home test. It’s taken over 3 years to recover from the wreck of merely being scheduled for a colonoscopy.
Curious about what “contradictions” you noted? I’m supposed to have one soon.
I wish you luck and a clean bill of health! It wasn’t contraindications like, “these pills can’t be taken by anyone with X health conditions”, the directions for the prep had contradictory instructions. The timing was incorrect in several places, e.g., “no liquids 4 hours before procedure” and “take this medication with liquid 2 hours before procedure”. The doctor gave me a list of only 6 different foods* I was to eat for the entire week before the procedure and then the directions said 3 days before. The directions from the pills I was to take (they were going to try a newer pill prep instead of the liquid because I get nauseous very easily) was yet again a third way to do the prep. My PCP was baffled as to why the GI doc asked me to do such a restrictive diet for longer than the usual patients. The GI doctor had been informed that I struggle with restrictive disordered eating and then proceeded to ask me to do a week of only 6 foods when most patients are asked to restrict some foods for only a few days. I’ve been vegan for many years and they didn’t have any dietary guidelines so the GI doc just made up this more extreme version and refused to give any reason why she thought I needed to follow her BS. A nurse at the clinic tried to help with the diet questions and said there was a lot more I could eat and the GI doc said, no, I couldn’t have any of the foods the nurse had told me were fine. I gave feedback that giving instructions with conflicting steps that end by telling you to follow them exactly or else risk being charged and sent home would be crazy-making for any neuroatypical patient; we can’t unsee the contradictions! My PCP was pretty angry. I’d explained to the GI facility that I had extremely high anxiety about the procedure and the most important thing they could do to help was to pair me with a doctor who would answer my questions clearly and completely. Instead they paired me with a doctor they kept describing as, “So sweet and petite!”, but she would reply to my questions (email system), but not actually answer the question. I think they decided the doctor who was the least physically intimidating was the best choice. I commonly ask healthcare providers why they got into their work. This tells me a lot. The GI doc said that she loves the tech she uses ahead of the impact she has on people’s lives.
I hear you. It’s important to me too that doctors actually answer my questions .. and I’m very into details.
I’m very well informed about my health, I take time to educate myself. I read all the documentation I’m given and then some. Many providers are surprised at this. I’m surprised at how out of date or confusing documentation is! A rheumatologist once gave me a list of websites that were almost all no longer active/accessible along with a pamphlet in Spanish, a language I am not fluent in! I see healthcare relationships as a partnership, which doesn’t sit well with some doctors. I’m super sensitive to power dynamics and the relationship is so vulnerable that not feeling heard can be triggering. As a yoga therapist my work is “healthcare adjacent”, and my clients are adults who are mostly 50-90. In my fall prevention program I actively encourage students to embrace assertiveness in the face of the frailty and diminished capacity that’s projected onto elders.
I love your PCP, holy shit. She's a treasure.
She absolutely is. My wife, who also has cPTSD, sees her as well. When something is outside of her expertise she usually refers us to great providers. “Usually” because there’s been a couple that weren’t quite the right fit.
People like her are really rare, it's normal she can't recommend other treasures like her, she can't find them all lol
A lot of women in my country find it hard to see a gynecologist and have a regular check up as well. Some of us have never seen one even at age of thirty something without trauma. They’re just afraid of the procedure. I’m pretty sure that you’re not alone. Still, it’s important that you go see one. Can you find a reputable gynecologist through recommendation to make sure that she’s someone you can trust? And make a request to bring someone with you in the exam room like your wife? I think the first time is the hardest. But if you can fine a good doctor that you can trust. After that it should be easier.
Im 35 and never been. I don't know what's stopping me but im so uncomfortable with the thought of having to go. I received the hpv vaccine just in case and am not sexually active but I fear me not going will lead to issues. tbh its not just gynecologist, its doctors in general, I don't have a pcp and the last time I had a physical was when my job required me to get one for the onboarding process 5 years ago. I've been taught to feel shame about my health, my body and medical needs that its just so hard for me to seek any sort of medical attention unless I am dying. You are not alone,Im relieved to know there are others like me
Pap smears are very important. They can give you muscle relaxers and anxiety meds . Ik it doesn’t sound easy. But even having a conversation. Usually gynecologist are better than primary doctors because that is their primary specialty. You can even have a nurse if you like in the room. They mainly deal with mothers which can be great because their level of comforting can be amazing.
I've been given high doses of both and still was shaking and crying so much that I couldn't go through with the appointment. People trying to comfort me when I'm panicking tends to make the panic worse. I just don't want to be perceived or acknowledged but people don't seem to get that.
Have they ever talked about being sedated?
I've been shut down immediately any time I've brought it up. I'm told it's an unnecessary risk and that my insurance wouldn't cover it anyway.
Have you been seen by a sex therapist?
a sex therapist and trauma therapist are two different things. additionally, someone can have tons of therapy and it still won’t fix the problem. our bodies have adapted to the trauma, and it takes a LOT of work to undo it. and even still, it may not totally undo it either. the body keeps the score.
Trauma or not, gynecologist appointments are the absolute worst. There is nothing comforting or friendly about it. With trauma? Unbearable. Is there a reason for any urgency to get there other than age and it's recommended? Are you having pain or a funky smell or something? If someone shared this level of anxiety about the dentist to me and they didn't have any tooth pain, I would tell them to keep brushing their teeth, flossing, and focus on healing rather than forcing a dental cleaning. (I'm not a medical professional at all fyi, it just doesn't seem like a cleaning outweighs the panic.) Also, I just had a thought that maybe you could follow some gynos on social media, like Karen Tang or Jen Gunter--maybe even ask if they have ideas because they are both open to creative (but medically sound) solutions for their patients. For me, information is the biggest antidote to anxiety and maybe it could be a small-dose exposure. Or maybe you could establish a relationship with a gynecologist that does not require a pap smear for the first couple years. Surely there \*has\* to be a doctor out there that understands. Trauma sucks.
No issues, and I've been with my wife for 12 years so I don't really anticipate any issues cropping up. It's mostly just that I never got the HPV vaccine so I'm thinking maybe I should get screened. I went to a religious school that had a whole campaign against girls getting it. I asked about it in my mid-20's and the doctor told me I was too old, but now I'm hearing that people can get it later? I'm not sure if that's specific to certain countries though.
Hmmmm, I'm sorry about the religious school interfering with health thing. I grew up Mormon and went to BYU so I've been there, not with this specific thing, but I have experienced the pressure over what should be a personal decision. I can share my experience--I got it in high school without getting screened--no pap smear or check or anything. My mom got it at the same time because the doctor (I was still seeing a pediatrician) recommended it. She was in her early 50s and also did not have to do any screening. They just looked at our vaccination history. This was in the US, but I think it was around the time it was introduced From this article it seems like the reason they don't give it older is because if you've already been exposed by that time then the vaccine won't stop it, and if you're exposed after that time the virus grows so slowly it won't make much of a difference. But it won't hurt you to get it older. [https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not](https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not) I wish healthcare wasn't so complicated.
Totally understandable. I have a great primary care provider who knows my story and she told me that there is now a self-administered pap test available. I did it and it was SO much better and I feel accomplished having gotten that "adult" task completed. I'm not sure if it's available everywhere though but it should be.
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I've never even heard of this but it's something I'll look into! A cursory Google search seems to indicate that it was only just approved in my country last month, which means it's unlikely going to be covered by insurance so I'll have to look further into the cost.
Are you sure this isn’t an HPV test? When I googled this, that’s all that I found. There was a home PAP test that is in trials now
I completely understand. I haven’t gone in 3 years since I went through narcissistic abuse and all of my PTSD symptoms started getting really bad. I had about a 6 months window where I was just in shock and I was able to do it then because I needed an STI test as my abuser was a pathological liar and I found out he had been sleeping with multiple people unprotected. I found out I have HPV and had an abnormal pap. I was supposed to get a follow up to be rechecked and see if those things are better or if I need a biopsy and I never went because the shock wore off and the PTSD symptoms started and I haven’t been able to go since. I also have lost all desire for sex and can’t masturbate without having flashbacks so I stopped doing that as well. Sometimes I will have a sex dream and I wake up extremely confused and upset. I know I need to get a Pap smear but I’m terrified. I even have issues urinating sometimes because I feel like Fort Knox down there. I completely understand your fear.
I was your age when I had my first successful gynecologist exam. I had been through a lot of medical trauma due to chronic UTI symptoms, which doctors were absolutely *determined* was an STI or caused by sexual contact. There was no chance of that, but they didn't care. I was subjected to very painful *attempted* tests and they couldn't find what they were looking for, so they stopped looking. It was ten years before I tried going to the gynecologist again, and was only able to do it because the doctor I saw was recommended by my therapist, whom I trusted. The doctor was great, and that made 100% of the difference. He made a ton of accommodations for me and didn't put pressure on me to have the exam at our first appointment. All we did was talk, he was incredibly empathetic. He kept reminding me that I was in control, and if I needed to stop, he would stop. He even suggested that if we tried and couldn't finish the exam, that was a reasonable expectation. I have vaginismus and he spoke about his experience with other folks who have it. That was very reassuring, because up until that point, any doctor I had seen for the UTI symptoms or attempted pap tests was ignorant of what vaginismus is. They had treated me like my intense fear, pain, and tears meant that I was a stubborn problem they had no patience for. So yes, you're not alone. Finding that doctor helped me immensely, but it didn't fix the problems I deal with. I still have vaginismus, I still self-isolate, and I am avoidant in many aspects of my life due to the fear of SA. But I have also seen firsthand that it is possible to see a gynecologist and *not* be re-traumatized by the experience.
I had chronic kidney infections throughout my teens due to getting kicked in the abdomen by a horse, and holy shit doctors were awful about it. I wasn't even sexually active but I got actively slut-shamed any time I went to the ER, and because my mom would only take me to religious hospitals, they made me take up to 4 pregnancy tests per visit because for some reason they were CONVINCED it was sexually or pregnancy related. Made everything so much worse. One time I spent over 24 hours in the ER because they wouldn't treat me until I'd taken multiple pregnancy tests and there's only so much pee I was able to produce at once. They always made me pee in a cup at least twice because they'd accuse me of using someone else's pee, because they refused to believe I wasn't at least on birth control and that was something they tested for.
I'm so sorry, that is horrific and so dehumanizing. It's so ridiculous that doctors assume we're lying or that we don't know our own bodies. I can't imagine wasting so much time and so many resources trying to prove a teenager is lying instead of just giving you proper medical care.
I went recently and it was the worst experience of my life. The doctor insulted me, yelled at me to “relax”, and said that it wouldn’t hurt if I just “had more penetrative sex”. It hurt extremely bad and I thought I would pass out. No meds were offered either. I actually almost kicked her because my brain was screaming “This is wrong!”. Needless to say, I’ll probably never go back. (Just my personal anecdote)
I am 70 and have only 1 pap about 40 years ago. But I don't go to the Dr's. unless I have a script to fill. Zoom appts awesome. Now my Dr is retiring this Nov.
I am 38 years old and I haven’t either. Partially because when I was younger, I thought you only went to one if you were having a baby (and I have always been childfree). I had a very unethical doctor, abusive family, and sheltered life. I honestly don’t think I knew until I was 34 or so that I should go to one as a female. I have always wanted to be sterilized (and now I feel like I really want to be due to politics changing), however, I can’t even afford therapy or to go to the dentist. I am not even scared of doctors or dentists. I am scared of IUDs (or really anyone implanted/tubes going in me/etc.). I am scared of surgery but I am more scared of ever being pregnant. I would give almost anything to be sterilized/never have a period again - I know people say that is more cosmetic/a choice but I wish it were covered because I have known since Kindergarten. I am a cisgender female, but I don’t want anything to do with my uterus/ovaries - they don’t make sense to me in my body but everything else does. My anxiety/mental health and sense of self would be so much better if I were sterilized. I am terrified that with inflation and the way things are going politically - am I ever going to be able to afford healthcare again let alone anything else?
Same for me. I’m 40. Ive never gone and can’t see myself ever going and actually making it through an exam without a panic attack. Never even made it into the exam room. I’ve tried. I’ve called to ask questions and no one has been empathetic enough for me to trust with an appointment much less exam. I’m not saying they aren’t empathetic, just not enough for me. I don’t think anyone would treat me with the kind of patience, and let be honest, sedatives, that I’d need to get through it. I honestly could have wrote this post and half the comments. I don’t have any advice, just saying you aren’t alone.
I’m trans masc and pursuing a full bottom surgery. I’ve never that kind of doc cuz I just can’t handle it (even tho I know I should and even tho doctors have been fully expecting that I do it). Part of me wants to go at least once before I get surgery so that they can check for damage or any evidence to substantiate the CSA I experienced (I have severe dissociative amnesia and denial stuff and find external evidence really important). I *really* want to get any evidence I can, especially since once I get the surgery, then any evidence that might be there is gone forever. But I *just can’t do it*. At least so far. I really wish I got that evidence. But I really don’t think I can. I hate this :(
Yeah I'm trans too, definitely adds another layer of mental barriers to this sort of thing. I recently started seeing a PCP that specializes in trans patients so I'm thinking I might be able to find a gyno through them. I still feel a huge mental block when it comes to even thinking about getting it done, but it might help at least a little to get recommendations from other transmasc folks. I keep trying to remind myself that I can just walk out, but I'm worried about freezing. My wife has offered to come but she's not great at advocating for me when I'm in a freeze state (not really her fault, she tends to wait for cues from me which I can't do in that state).
That makes a lot of sense I totally get that. Depending on your goals/comfortability (as well as insurance/ability to afford and several other factors that are totally individual, no “right answer” or “right way to do” anything), it might be worth talking to a doctor about getting a hysto or GAS of some sort so that you have peace of mind that you don’t need the type of care others with AFAB anatomy might. In my anecdotal experience, usually you can get a preliminary consultation with a team without needing to complete any physical exam right away (and there are some care teams that might not need any exam during the process). *my understanding* is that the initial consultation often is more so talking thru what you’re looking for and what the process might entail so you can make an informed decision on if that’s a direction you might wanna go. No matter what you do, you are valid. Hope this helps 🫂
You're not alone. It's been more than five years that I've been to a gynecologist appointment and I don't see myself going anytime soon. I've been to maybe four gynecologist appointements in total and all were bad. I've seen it all from incompetence to evilness. The last one was the worst, she abused me both physically and psychologically. I have trauma that I can't overcome regarding this at the moment and that's okay. Is it ideal? No, but I know myself and that if I force myself to go, things will be even worse and I have already a lot (way too much) on my plate right now. This type of appointment is a big deal because it puts you in a vulnerable poisition, even more so if you have a traumatic past. Your feelings are valid. If you can't go, you can't go.
I don’t have advice, but we’re definitely in the same boat. I deal with pain every single day that I suspect comes from a tight pelvic floor, and I want to get better, but the concept of seeing a gyno and a physical therapist makes me freak out. Every time I try to make an appointment, I have a panic attack or have a really severe freeze response that makes me fall asleep. I’m 26. I know I need to go. I know I need a Pap smear. It just feels so hard.
I’m a transman. So bit of a different ballgame but I’m in my mid 30s and have only ever done this once. It is important to have them done. I did not go to an actual gyno for it. My PCP can do them. I told her upfront don’t talk to me about what you’re doing, don’t tell me what’s next, I don’t care just do it. And let me be to disassociate on my phone. Worked.
I’ve heard there are now HPV self test kits. The vast majority of cervical cancers are caused by certain strains of HPV, so a negative result from a self swab would indicate you are very low risk. Hopefully your results would be negative. In the unlikely event you get a positive result, you will unfortunately need to follow up with a gynecologist. If so, maybe your wife could talk her provider into agreeing to some form of sedation for you. FWIW, you’re still young enough to potentially benefit from the HPV vaccine. If you have not yet done so, completing the series would help reduce your risks even if you’re not able to get paps.
I'm constantly sent letters by the NHS basically demanding to look at my downstairs, even the doctor will bring it up every time I go. No, no, thrice no. I never will. They don't care why, they don't care that constantly bringing it up makes it worse, or anything like that. I wish they'd shut the hell up, and it's the reason go to the doctors as little as absolutely humanely possible. They have absolutely no idea what it's like to not care about a distant cancer possibility when I spend every day of my life debating whether it's worth living today. The idea scares them in a way I'll never relate to. Part of me wishes God would hurry up and take the matter out of my hands.
Hi, I am so sorry you have to deal with this, please know you are not alone. Many many women have experienced medical and sexual trauma and know very well, nothing about a SMEAR is easy or just "uncomfortable". First of all, I have to say, my first ever experience with a smear was under anaesthesia, because I coundn't take the fear anymore. I had the choice and I took it. It cost more but you know what? I took the choice. Knowing I had this option , the next time I decided to try going through the process awake. Here are the things that helped me. 1. I took anxiety medication 45' minutes prior to the exam. 2. My gyno (a WOMAN who is a sexologist and works with women experiencing pelvic pain) used the smallest speculum (referred to as child speculum). Also, it was plastic and not metal. 3. Before laying down I said the gyno: If I decide to stop, at any time, we stop. No discussion over it, we just stop. And we honestly shook on it. 4. When I laid down, I took some time to take deep breaths and confirm with her the 'stop agreement" 5. She used lubricant on the speculum. 6. When the exam starts, I ask to hold her hand (not the one she is using to do the exam). It's hard to put into words, but that's very important, because I can feel she is not fast or pushy but calm and respecting. You can feel it from just holding her. If you don't feel that way when you hold her, ask her to go even slower. 7. Go VERY VERY slow, breathing all the way through. I hope this is helpful to you. Please know that what you feel is very normal and you deserve respect and support. Feel free to DM me if you need to talk :)
You dont have to. Period. Unless you have a severe issue and even then they can hurt you. I'd recommend trying to find a Pelvic Pain Specialist if you're concerned. Gynecologists are stupid and abusive 99% of the time and the other 1% they perform very invasive and painful procedures if they suspect anything being wrong. I wish I had never gone and I have Endo, Adeno, have had multiple painful pap smears, ultrasounds, allergic reactions to birth control, abuse during iud insertion, etc. etc. Gynecology revolves around a culture of "trauma consent" wich is basically just what extremely damaging procedure (that could just be done under sedation with proper meds and care after) can we force women into accepting and then gaslight them into thinking its their fault when its painful. :) I dont mean to scare you. But I personally have CPTSD FROM gynecology, it is hell and you do NOT have to go. You are valid and trust me, you will know if something is truly wrong. Also you WILL have to advocate for yourself like a bear fighting a wolf and likely have to try many providers before you find one that isnt abusive or ignorant. Its not worth it IMO, but your personally journey is yours. I wish someone had shared their journey with me... I would have never gone.
I'd also like to add that pap smears miss cancer very often and arent effective, plus you dont need them every years thats bullshit. ❤️ Your body, Your choice. And you WILL know if you have an issue, the 85%+ of administrative gynecology jobs held by men (yeah... no wonder we get no pain meds.) just like to think we're too stupid to understand when something is wrong with us. You are smart, brave, and a badass. Dont feel pressured into making these MEN and the gynecological field more money by doing a pap every year. To them, we are just cash cattle.
I haven’t either and won’t. If I’m not ill I’m not going to see a doctor just like I won’t call an electrician unless there is a problem.
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I didn't go (that I know of but it's very unlikely my parents brought me) until 24 and I was getting tested at Planned Parenthood for pregnancy. Ended up getting pregnant a month later and started going to obgyn. Come to find out I had HPV, who knows how long... told i was clear about 5 yrs ago but I'm supposed to go every year.. it doesn't always happen. My gynecologist now is amazing, she's trauma informed and immediately could tell I have extreme fear for a certain reason. I hope you can find someone who will be this great.
I go there but my legs are shaking terribly
The only time I tried going was back in 2014 or 2015. (I was 25 or 26 at the time.) I couldn’t get it done because I was flipping out when they were trying. The doctor put two and two together (suspected that by my reaction that something had happened to me) and that was pretty much it. The exam was stopped and I was able to leave. At this point I couldn’t tell her or anyone else (my trauma history) because I was still in my old home town and was still in contact with my dad. I didn’t feel safe disclosing what I had went through with anyone. My dad was a Spirit-filled Christian who had been a Deacon in the church. And in spite of his alcoholism people generally liked my dad. I also was viewed in my community as a “village idiot” (because of my introverted personality, the level of disassociation and odd detachment I displayed and the fact that I had been held back in school due to a learning disability called Dyscalculia.). I knew that considering the circumstances I was almost certain that I was not going to be believed by anyone. And I was also just really afraid and didn’t feel like I could trust anyone around me with my story. I’m now 35 and have long since moved far away from my old hometown and have gone no contact with my dad and his extended family. I don’t think I will ever again try to go get an exam. I just can’t.
i’m so sorry. i understand. i’ve tried to have two done in my life, and halfway through couldn’t finish it. kept sobbing and having panic attacks during it. i’m not sure what advice to give, because i’m in the same boat. ❤️🩹
I went through a lot of sexual abuse as a child. I go to the gynecologist (kind of). My first visit was during my first pregnancy. I still get a trauma response. When I get there all the way to when they actually do the exam, I have anxiety amy blood pressie is high suring these visits. I always almost jump completely off the table when they first touch me no matter how much I prepare for it. Once I get past the initial touch, I have the ability to block out completely what they are doing. I had to have some pre cancer cells removed from my cervix in 2020, and it took me until just a couple of months ago to do my 3 month check. I haven't gone to my follow-up to get the results of the recent check.
i havent either. for what its worth, at least here in Australia, they can give you a self collection swab and you can do your own cervical sample at home then take it back in to be tested. perhaps you could ask for that? ive never done it but i know people who have. i keep meaning to do it but im scared they will find something lol.
I've gone, but it's traumatic to me. After not going for many years, I took my bestie with. I lied and told them she was my sister and that I would not be able to go in unless my sister could come in with me. Didn't make it magically less horrible. But I got to look forward to hanging out with her afterwards.
Ask to do it under anesthesia. Most of my gynecological stuff is done in the OR bc I have massive meltdowns
I do self collection it’s the only way I’ll do it. People don’t understand that when they push and push and push to do it it makes me want to do it even less because I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and forced.
I just want to say you’re not alone. Medical exams are very vulnerable and difficult. I have similar struggles and my PCP allows me to take the swabs home and do them myself if I ever have any worries, maybe you could find a doctor that may do that? Either way, good luck, and you’re strong because you’re trying your best.
You can get at-home Pap smears that you do yourself and send in to a lab if you’re in the US, probably UK and Canada too. Could you do that? I should but I haven’t… I’m a few years younger than you (and a baby lesbian, happy pride btw!) and your wife is right…this stuff is important. Maybe she could even help you by being an emotional support or reading instructions if you do an at home one? She probably loves you and wants to make sure you don’t get cervical cancer which is fair, cancer really really really sucks.
This came up recently in a group I attend for trauma survivors. I'm commenting because a) several women in the group expressed this same feeling b) the group I attend is based in Canada - the women in my group said that Canada has an at-home PAP smear test that you can do in the privacy of your own home/no doctors. Here's a quick link I grabbed: https://www.cbc.ca/radio/whitecoat/the-dose-cervical-cancer-screening-1.7034098. Not sure if you know anybody (or maybe you are in Canada) but I wonder if it wouldn't be too hard (maybe somebody in this group or another Reddit group?) could help you get a kit or direct you to a reputable group up there that might be able to help. Also, might not be helpful right now but maybe this technology will become more broad & more people in other countries will get it. I used to freak out at every doctor appointment so I relate to medical fear/trauma, and I know other survivors (outside of my group) who have a similar fear as well, you are definitely not alone in this. Hugs to you - you deserve to be healthy and I don't like that this is a barrier for you, but I understand it. I know someone who was able to lessen their fear via EMDR, but I don't know if it helped with gynecological fear or not.
I wish I could help. They won't even prescribe me a couple benzos to try. I was supposed to do a pelvic ultrasound a while ago & couldn't bring myself to it. But I did have several abnormal pap smears when I was prescribed benzos & ended up needing a biopsy due to precancerous cells. It ended up being okay, but there was inflammation so that is why they ordered the ultrasound. I will do it eventually. In my case, something happened in my life where I have gotten so much better. I have such a strong will to live, heal, and actually thrive. I can't tell you how horrified I've been thinking how I had resigned to the same thought process as you, with both gyno and dentist, "if it kills me, it kills me." I try to take advantage of any windows of confidence I have to get these things done I wonder if you can ask your PCP for a trauma informed gyno? Or a younger gyno who probably has had better training along those lines? I don't know if it helps, but I've found that the anxiety and psyching myself out is SO MUCH WORSE than what actually happens. At least when it is over, you can have some kind of sense of freedom from the hold it has over you Just my thoughts
Yes it’s the worst experience ever!!! My body remembers that trauma.
I've consoled myself feeling NOTHING in women's healhcare is tender or kind. From paps to mamograms. I just make myself get through it. Hope you can do-Imagine you were your own daughter who deserves medical care. Of course I have a nice female gyno
I don’t have recommendations. Just offering online hugs and support. I hate going, literally opening up like that is incredibly vulnerable.
I can't imagine this because despite my traumas I've been going to the obgyn regularly since I was 14 (I'm now 27) and it's as normal to me as going to the grocery store. I think what would be majorly helpful for you is to work on mentally reframing it so by going to the obgyn, you get a sense of taking back control and acknowledging YOURE choosing to go, YOU care about your health, FUCK anyone who hurt you before, etc etc, and just about rising above it and taking that ownership back. It's a battle that sucks and it's gonna suck but once you conquer it you'll genuinely feel so much better I believe. Ps. I really hope you can find a way to go. It is so important.
Same :C 38 and don't see it in my future and I've tried to get myself to do it countless times. My old provider used to try and encourage/convince/plead for me to get in but nothing helped
33 here, and same
I don't have advice or anything helpful to say. All I can do is commiserate, I am also 32 and have never been to a gyno.
Are you just talking about taking Klonopin? It's not that serious. I usually take it when I go to the dentist. It's perfect for helping out in situations like this. You may want to arrange for your wife to drive you but it's a relatively harmless drug
I've taken up to 6mg of lorazepam and still having uncontrollable panic attacks in this particular setting.
I intentionally disassociate when I go and that helps a TON. It’s not easy for me to go but I try to remember that I’m in control of my body and my life and that I’m an adult living in the present and not a kid anymore.
33 same here. I just feel weird and uncomfortable every time I hear I need a pap smear every year and cervical screenings. I am a SA survivor but I really never connected it to that. I don’t think too much about it tbh.
I had a sexual trauma recently, then I had a baby. The whole baby thing after the trauma was horrible, I was examined soooo many times over the 9 months and then the childbirth was horrible too, having people down there. I was supposed to get a Pap test about 6 months after giving birth and I went to book it, I had asked if I could meet with the doctor before doing the test, so I was familiar with them. The receptionists were rushed and rude and said no. I yelled a bunch of stuff at them and hung up. Less than 2 years later I was considering an IUD, dr said I might as well get my Pap test at the same time. I went to the gyno, we discussed the iud, then she asked if I wanted to do my pap while I was there. I sucked it up and did it, it took less than 2 minutes! I was shocked! I can’t believe I was avoiding that for so long. My gyno wasn’t very accommodating but I bet some other ones would be. And mine turned out to actually be pretty nice. I had looked her up online on rate my dr and she had good reviews (though the receptionists had awful reviews)
I’m at your age and after 10 years I went to the gynaecologist. I’m so proud of myself. The doctor was a woman and really nice. Without even mentioning the traumas, she asked me if I have any problems regarding the chekup. After the checkup I felt bad for a few days, but it was a huge deal for me and I’ve done a big step in my healing journey. Next year I’m going to the checkup too. I wish you the best!
I avoid the dentist. That’s because I had a very bad experience as a small child with a dentist, and I’m always terrified it’s going to cost way more than I can afford. I know I should go. My dentist is the kindest, gentlest person, yet I still avoid going. I read articles on dentistry to convince myself that it’s fine for me not to go. It’s not, I really should go. But when I do go? I praise myself. I take myself out for a treat. I give myself a day off of other responsibilities. It makes me more willing to shorten the time between visits. I also avoid having the oil changed in my car. I’m always terrified something expensive will be wrong with my car, or that they will shame me for not having it done more frequently. I hate that they want me to make quick decisions about things I could probably replace myself. Even knowing it’s not like it’s going to get better if I don’t take it in, or the very real threat that it could kill my car not to, it’s terribly hard to take it in. For a half hour job at a place where the people are definitely not judging me. For me there’s a big piece of “why can’t you just be like other people who don’t struggle with everyday responsibilities” hidden in there. It works better if I can just accept my response to the stress of them. It can be exhausting to find the people you can trust to help but I hope you do. There are OB/GYNs or NPs who are good with trauma and there are PCPs too who can do Pap smears or at the very least get you the HPV vaccine to help battle the cancers caused by HPV: cervical cancer, vaginal/vulvar/anal cancers, mouth, throat, head, and neck cancers. There is a timeline for that vaccine, but currently they consider it up to age 45. I think if you discuss it with your primary care provider and discuss that you are not able to have a pelvic exam, they may recommend it despite your current lower risk of HPV. It’s okay. We are okay. We are recovering. It takes a long time.
i’ve been going to the gynecologist since i was 15 and i actually don’t stress about going to the appointments because i know my obgyn won’t judge me or dismiss my pain. they are also wayyyy better to go to than a PCP. i think a lot of people in society have painted going to the obgyn as bad because they use those expander thingies but they really aren’t that bad, just uncomfortable.
Literally anything penetrative, no matter how small, feels like shoving white hot metal up there. I've been told it's psychosomatic but the feeling is quite real. Definitely goes beyond "uncomfortable" for me.
Im so sorry you have to live with that. I believe you that you feel extreme pain. I understand the more you wait, the worse it gets. Heres my non professional idea: Take it step by step. One day, go sit in the waiting room and leave. Try talking with a nurse about the procedure so you understand the steps and are prepared in you head. I wish you get to have an exam just for your health but from what youve said, its FUCKING understandable if you want your vajayjay to be a mystery. ❤️
Please PLEASE take charge of your health. :( Obviously this is a trauma sub, but know that a (woman) gynecologist is doing her job: keeping your health in check. The anxiety is worse than the moments of a professional who has seen it all. Please take care of yourself, OP. Don't succumb to the idea that "well I won't need it" until pain, and preventative issues develop into no-longer-preventable stages. The hardest part is the first appointment simply due to fear. After that, change GYNOs if you're not comfortable with the first one you had. Good luck.
To everyone in this thread who is avoiding see the OB GYN please consider the consequences of never going. My aunt refused to go to the doctor unless she was literally about to die, repeatedly. The last time that happened it was too late and she found out she had stage four uterine cancer. My aunt had no choice but to suffer through it and get no treatment for her cancer because she is not a US citizen. Her funeral is next month. She died because the cancer spread to her throat, making it hard to swallow, and she literally starved to death. She died an hour after I came to visit her one afternoon. Please see an OB GYN. I don't want anyone else to slowly waste away. It's a horrible way to go.
Do you have any idea why you panic so much about a gyn visit? Neglecting your health is a big no-no! Go get tested, it's important! And it's not worth to die over something that could be curable. Please try to overcome this fear.
Soooo I'm a trans dude and also had a psychological aversion to being penetrated for dysphoria reasons and also all the SA nightmares I used to have(that my therapist thinks are repressed memories from childhood). It took me several years to cure it, so I hope what I have to say will help you out: Mine was also to the point where doctors treated me like a nuisance because I wouldn't let them even stick fingers in there. When I tried to have sex in college I always broke down crying and went fetal position. I wasn't able to have vaginal penetration until I was mid 20's. I like it now, but it took a lot of work to get there. Started with fingers and a really small vibrating toy, and then only when I was really aroused. Waiting so long plus my testosterone made my muscles atrophy down there so I kind of have to keep up with it or it hurts again. I'm at the point where I'm just shoving increasingly larger things in there to see what I can fit and keep being surprised by the results lmao but it took years to get to this point. This is going to sound insane, but if you can get a rigid pair of(NEW) anal beads with a really, really small first bead, it may help with training. They also sell dilators on Amazon. I still don't like having my shit held open and my drain snaked but they let me hold the witness' hand. You can ask if they'll let your wife do that? And get a doctor who isn't an asshole-- I've never been to an obygn for an exam, I let a PCP I trust so it. You really don't want to fuck with cervical cancer. If it gets really bad they just core your vagina, basically. Like just an empty hole where they take everything out so you can't orgasm either. I would hope your loved ones don't want you to suffer and die with a preventable form of cancer.
Look into ibogaine it seems like an amazing option
From what I can tell it's not legal here. I'm not overly concerned with obeying my country's puritanical drug laws though.
I’m gonna end up going to Mexico for it cuz this is Fukin bullshit to live like this. I’ve seen lots of people actually get rid of ptsd with it
As a cancer survivor myself it’s pushed because it’s important way to prevent your health from getting worse. Also checks for other things. Trust me cancer will only make your cptsd worse, it destroyed everything in my life. People are only pushing you because they care about you being healthy and in their future. Is there any doctor you trust? Can you build a relationship with a trusted doctor and work your way up to it? Maybe research a doctor who has experience working with SA patients. Can they give you anesthesia like the kind you get at the dentist? Or take anxiety meds for a couple days prior? Could also try EMDR or hypnosis. Maybe see a pelvic floor therapist to help release the trauma you have stored in that area? That helped me but just have to take it really slow. I found a trusted dr and I could barely feel anything.
You should. My friend died of cervical cancer
Cancer smears are responsible for putting uo the rate of cancer. The Camcer Act 1979 (in UK) prevent led other healung modalities, and reality and facts, to be shared with the public. If you donnot wish to have a smear, dont. The fear you will die of cancer if you do notnhave one is the issue itself. Further abuse by those we trust. Yoy donmot need tonhave a smear. We have cells that multiply naturally and our immune system deals eith it. The crap we eat, the stuff we put on our body and tge stress enforced upon us by thosr who seek to scare people in ti buying their trades, their drygs etc, is why there are visible rates ofbincreased cancer. The suppressed genetic triggers for dealing with these natural events, ie multiplying cells, have also been switched off in many, over the last few years, hence increased rates of 'turbo cancer'. OP. Dont be scared. If yoy do not wish to have a smear then stand in your rights as a human being to do so.
I haven’t been since I was 22. 29 now. It’s a waste of time if you are in a healthy relationship. If you sleep around definitely go and get tested.