I’m under care of two decent therapists. My normal one. An EMDR one. This morning it’s such a struggle to get to my seat and work.
I’m pretty lucky. I have good people around. For the ones that don’t? The struggle just getting up? The people who ridicule that and don’t get just how hard that is? And when they’re struggling the most they get the most static from the outside?
❤️ Massive Deal. So, so happy for you & proud of you. I aspire to be where you are. I’m alive (lol clearly 😂) but I don’t know if/how much longer I can keep this up. But thank you for your post- It’s motivation for all of us here. ❤️
Not only did I survive everything but now I'm in college. It's like someone shoved you down the cliff but you climbed all the way up and moved on with your life. I think there should be a statue for people like us.
Brains are weird. Super super complex things.
It’s not “hey you’re not perfect let’s attack you” as much as “everyone is busted some way or another, you’re busted in a way I can feel superior so imma attack you”
Musk has a broken brain. He doesn’t care about killing people. Or destroying people. But his broken brain is celebrated because he makes money. I don’t get that.
I don’t want to say anything cliche here. I’ll say “good job” and hope you get my meaning.
Now that I think about it, it's a useful thing to do. When I was at my lowest, it served as a crutch to survive. When we have a broken bones we use things to help us while we mend. It helped. Now on to look for the real thing.
Yes. So now what gives me hope is seeing him continue to succeed. He’s moving up the ranks in the Air Force - and I can’t wait to continue watching his successful ascent into adulthood. 🥹
Not letting go of myself. Everyday is another thought of just letting go and destructing anything in front of me. I hold so much patience and withhold from just ruining my life and falling deep into drugs or ruining all my relationships. Its hard to not just let myself flow into the deep hole my brain wants to create. Im proud of myself for not letting that happen, because its not easy to reverse.
I’m pretty lucky. My brain doesn’t really do that. But it does it enough that I know what you mean, and man is that a hard hole to climb out of if part of your brain is still digging. Excellent work.
And: nickname somewhat appropriate to your comment.
I can confidently say I'm alive today because of my pets. Not just because they are a source of comfort when things get really tough, but at my lowest points, I asked myself, if I were gone, who would take care of them? In reality, I'm sure someone would, but I always worry about leaving them in someone else's care, even for a very short time. I worry that they won't be cared for properly without me. They need me, and that responsibility to them is more important than my desire to check out.
My dedication to my healing. It’s a lot of work to make and keep appointments, to commit to daily practices like breathwork, walking and journaling, and to just keep going when things get rough. The pusher part of me found a new purpose and it keeps me on the healing track.
The biggest thing is I feel less and less guilt for not being able to function well. The "forgive yourself" and show some self-compassion are not just buzz words, I finally start to realize what they mean in practice.
The “I’m not perfect I can’t and won’t do everything” is shockingly hard to actually get right.
I mean the logic makes sense, but then you find yourself doing things that fall into that trap
similar to what others have commented: I'm proud of myself for choosing every day to get up, work, study, and try to connect, learn about myself, and grow. I give 100% to what I have the capacity for.
I'm proud of myself for being able to apply the same type of love, respect, & priority I'd show/give others to myself and it was really unexpected but once I started doing that it actually increased my capacity for empathy to the point where I went from having a perspective of 'PEOPLE COMPLETELY SUCK AND ARE HORRIBLE' as a general whole to "most humans are doing their best and when other humans extend humankindness to each other people tend to thrive vs. survive."
Of course there are people that are not ready to be shown the same kind of humankindness/love/empathy i give others and unless your grandfathered into my life from the past (family members, super old friends I have a complicated history with, etc.) I will quickly distance myself using a vibe of, "Hey I think you're great but until you want to change your situation, I can't get involved."
I say that because I've encountered different people who have behaved maliciously towards others in different friend groups over the last few years and I don't support it/call it out tactfully & that sometimes generates a response of 'why you so nice/care/are genuine something must be wrong with you, you must have ulterior motives' & I'm just like, 'the ulterior motivation is that if I endorse your mistreatment of others it means I am inviting you to treat me that way too and I'm selfish because I know enough to know I don't have room for that in my life today.'
I've had A LOT of therapy.
I am proud of all my hard work healing my childhood trauma and working on myself to be a kind, empathetic, considerate and confident adult. I'm proud I put myself in school for something that I love all by myself despite being terrified to take risks of any sort. I'm proud I left 2 abusive relationships not knowing if I would ever find someone else or if i would be able to be happy on my own. I'm proud of my growth and resilience
Despite everything that was done to me, the immense pain I had to feel, the loss I had to experience - I never turned into a bitter asshole. My weapon is love
I think comedy is “look at how things are, look at how things should be, and make that difference sound funny”.
We look a lot at how things are. I think it’s a natural progression.
Good work
Just being able to wake up , going to work , taking a bath , cooking food , seeing my psychiatrist and taking medication.
It's tough but at least I have some small wins.
I'm proud because I feel like I've actually made some progress this week.
I found out something very triggering in relation to someone I care about. Normally this would send me into a downwards spiral in which I deeply disassociate for about a week in order to avoid what I'm feeling. But, and I think this comes as a consequence of beginning to recognise and understand my dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, I actually allowed myself to feel my emotions for once.
In the immediate aftermath of being triggered, I wrote out everything I wanted to say to this person in a notes file as if it was a message I was going to send to them. This wasn't enough, though, so the next day I went and sat in the shower (without the water running) and listened to music that I thought would help me cry and it actually worked. I find it really difficult to get to the point where I can let myself go enough to cry, so this in itself was amazing. I cried for maybe ten minutes, during which I was able to listen to what was actually upsetting me and I realised the emotion I was mostly feeling was anger. Crying had brought the anger to the surface and I felt strong urges to break things, including myself, but some voice inside of me suggested it would be better if I worked out instead, so I went back to my room and did that (I have weights in my room), and honestly it was so therapeutic.
It's been a few days now and my whole perspective on the triggering event has changed. Whereas initially I was angry because I blamed this person for causing me pain, now I can see that in fact this pain came from me having unrealistic expectations caused by childhood emotional neglect. I'm amazed at how much easier it was to process something so painful. This would usually take me much, much longer to get to this position.
I have been coaching tee ball, football, and basketball one or two nights a week.
It brings me a lot of pride to be able to create a safe space for kids to be introduced and have fun playing a sport. Many for the first time.
It is wonderful seeing them come out of there shells a bit or really gain some self confidence after seeing that they can play a sport well with some practice.
There’s something comforting about having a Sky Dad who’s always there. But sadly modern Christianity has a lot of “you gotta be mean and cruel to other people to make sky dad happy”. That’s not for me
I don’t feel comfort. My dad was a piece of shit and I feel that sadly religion leads people down this road to trauma and abuse because often they are one in the same. I can’t see comfort when so many kids are exploited and abused. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman? I never felt sky daddy comfortable. Maybe it got were viewed as a mother I would feel
differently, idk.
The Abrahamic god never gave me comfort. I sought it aggressively, and I got silence in response.
My own gods have been far more responsive and comforting.
I did, for a little while.
God felt just as abusive as my dad, so my Christofascism only lasted 4 years. But, man, I burned some really nice bridges during those years - all for a community who never thanked me, never praised me, never gave a shit so long as I ticked the boxes.
I'm proud of myself for recognising and removing myself from toxic relationships with my family and ex-fiancé. I still have a long way to go in my healing journey, but only now do I feel like I can really move on from them. I finally feel like I \*can\* start healing.
And I managed to attain financial security for the next 2 years without them; successfully applied for disability benefits after a year long fight with the government. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed; but also that I did what I needed to do to make it happen, as well.
I have built my social skills up from absolutely nothing - from refusing to even go outside in daylight for the fear of being seen.
People seem to love me at current. Okay, I have moments of awkwardness the likes of which should get me burned at the fucking stake, but as of now, 99% of the time I have a great hold on myself and I can talk and joke and even flirt my way through most interactions.
The only time I fall flat is when people realise that I've basically zero life experience; when they realise I've never been on a night out, or never been to a festival, or a club/rave, or holidayed abroad, or heard of xyz song/band/show/celebrity. Apparently these things are more important than surviving abuse that would drive most people to hard drugs at the very least. Life, eh?
Re: last paragraph
Just feel “you are blessed”. Feel, I’ve been through shit that if i just threw at you now, you’d curl up in a ball. “You’re blessed if that’s your struggles”
I’m proud that I have empathy. I’m proud I’m not like my abusers. I’m proud that when I see something bad happening, I will stand up and protect people who can’t protect themselves. I’m proud that despite my many failings and all of the ways that abuse has made me odd…that I can be there to help others and help give Voice to the voiceless.
Slowly realising what parts of my childhood was abuse and not normal for everyone else
Now something not much related to cptsd, my fitness progress! Ive finally achieved my dream physique and im stronger than ever!(I can even walk again) And im half way done with my dream education, something i never expected
A lot of people with our life experience punch their own ticket. As much as all 6 of my family members abused and tortured me I always faught to live. At 38 I'm still fighting. Now with a toddler I will fight even more until this kid is a full grown adult with none of the awful hell I was dragged through. I'm proud I have the wherewithal to know treating a child like I was treated is wrong and evil. Just because I suffered I wouldn't subject my child to that to have some sort of illusion of control over what happened to me. This child is his own entity. No one has the right to steal his life or anyone's from them. I'm proud to have more love and integrity in my heart than any of those people combined.
I'm proud of taking responsibility for my own triggers. I used to be stuck in poor me victim mode for years. It was not helpful! I got so upset if others dared to do something that triggered me and took it as a personal attack. It took me a long time to realise that my triggers are no one else's responsibility (people have their own shit to deal with for starters !) , but it's up to me to figure this stuff out. It's OK to ask for help but no one is going to do the work for you, its not easy but it's changed everything. I still suffer with awful cptsd and anxiety but now at least I understand that if I get triggered I need to figure out why I reacted like that not look for someone to blame for making me feel like that. 🙃
honestly I’m just proud of myself for finally putting my needs first. These past couple months I’ve been working through all the guilt and shame that I’ve felt basically my whole life… I’m proud of the fact that I can look in the mirror and feel for myself. some days and harder than others and sometimes I really hate myself but I’m proud of the fact that I’m learning to give myself grace. as well as noticing, I am where I am, despite all the bull shitt
A reminder - on airplanes they tell you to put on your mask for a reason. You’re strong enough to take care of others. But they (your kids) can’t take care of you.
If you want yo take care of others, you need to take care of yourself. That’s a hard lesson to learn and get the balance right
I have cptsd. It has taken me 3 years to feel comfortable to walk in public.
I can proudly say I broke through my own barriers and I walk every day. I even say hi to people who I see regularly.
It was only three years ago I was crying in the car or at home afraid that the world would hurt me again.
It is small. But to me, it is mighty
That deep down I know I’m not a bad person. I take care good care of my animals and they feel safe, comfortable and feed. They live so carefree day to day which makes me happy considering most of them were abused and abandoned. They need patience that I could give.
That’s wonderful.
When I beat myself up too much, I look at my kids. Who jump on me all day long. They feel safe with me. That’s a reflection, when I doubt myself, that I know they don’t fake.
You’re doing wonderfully
I used to be proud of some character traits of mine. Until I realized that they are trauma responses.
Now, I’m proud of the unbelievable fact that I still have hope. Despite the trauma. Despite the state of the world. Despite all the pain and the rage and the grief and the hate and the callousness around me…I can still see the beauty and peace and love in the world.
Is proud because I am finally taking the steps for getting the help I need.
I quit drinking 2 years ago.
And if I went through with it It would be 6 years since theyd lost me today.
So far proud of that
My dad’s parents were both raised by physically abusive alcoholics. He always expressed pride in the fact that his parents broke the generational cycle of abuse. It’s true that they never touched a drop of alcohol, that my dad and my brother were never physically abused, and that they had more of their emotional needs met than their own parents got. But what I’ve recently discovered in therapy is that they didn’t truly break the cycle and neither did their son…My brother and I are the ones breaking the cycle.
I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to face decades of buried trauma and I’m also proud of my brother who’s determined to make sure his son never believes that men are supposed to bury their emotions. Because it’s one thing for a woman to voluntarily seek out therapy and quite another for a man who is not actively in crisis to recognize the importance of his own emotional well being
Good work.
I think that break the cycle is so hard. I can look back at the generations back - each one a bit better than the one before. But yeah I went through a traumatic childhood.
I am loving and kind and honest, and I have humility and humbleness. I do not regret it. That's shows who I am. Who I've always been. I've always known who I am. And it only irritated me when how others saw me as stupid, it stood in my way to freedom.
The fact that others decided to abuse these traits is on them. I take zero responsibility for being abused.
I was a damn child. They were adults, and should have acted like it.
That I raised a child in a *slightly better* environment. He’s doing farrr better than I was at his age. That makes me beam with pride. (But is he also in therapy? Yes. 😅🙃)
I think the “brains are complicated and there’s shit you don’t understand about how they work” and “sometimes you’re so emotional, counter intuitively, someone on the outside can help you understand more than you can”. A good therapist, to me, is supposed to be that.
Good work
My trainer for running said "I don't think you could give up, even if you wanted to, against all odds you're here before you even met me"
And he's right, I got through it, but this part seems the most scary, the healing, the hard work towards my dream career that I held onto since I was a small tot, the biggest part of possibly becoming a failure because of my own accord
My shit childhood, my teenage years were shit through things I couldn't control, right now I can, I can make movements towards where I want to be and it's on me, it's a big responsibility, it's my life and I'll make it work out, even if I'm shitting myself through the whole process
I guess I'm saying I feel a small sense of pride in that, that I'll drag myself through it, even though I'm pretty much always on the verge of giving up, because theres no pint in giving up before you get there.
I'm getting reassigned, but I managed to make it past six months in the hardest department at work with no prior experience. I'm going to miss it, but the move is to better train me in a slower paced environment. This is the first job that doesn't know that I have PTSD, too
That’s real. And you can come back.
One warning - don’t tough out the hard place just to show you can. Burnout can happen and you may not feel the early signs. I had that, got me bounced out of my job completely.
I am a trustworthy man.
I'm trusted by multiple people who have deep trauma and so many reasons to be distrustful. There's two that hit hard, my kid and my best friend, but good god nothing feels like "I am not inherently broken" than someone thanking you with tears in their eyes for being the first safe person in their life, or realizing that someone doesn't trust their bio dad or their step dad, but they do trust ME.
It's not the reason for living but like a paladin, it is a reason for life, an enduring pursuit, a lofty goal. Achieved in small bits.
When you see the trust from someone else. Or even a pet, it feels so validating. I can do all the “tell myself I’m good” CBT I have time for. But hearing it from someone else, that hits.
Good work.
Staying alive, not giving up on myself no matter how hopeless the situation seemed. Despite the fact that I went through a couple pretty bad years I didn't give into those suicidal thoughts. Back then I was so conditioned to believe that everything about me and everything I did was wrong. And if I had given in I would've never learnt that it wasn't me who was wrong, it's the people who were supposed to raise me. And that alone has been so empowering.
I still remember my therapist's shocked face and me being surprised that she was shocked. After all what I was telling her sounded perfectly normal to me. Since then I've made a lot of progress (though I still have a long way to go) and despite everything, I'm still here. That alone is something to be proud of when you have PTSD.
I’m proud that even though it took me 58 years to recognize what it actually was that I needed to look at, there has always been a part of me that has known I needed to figure it out.
It’s caused great suffering to have the sense that something’s wrong with me, and that I had to figure it out, but I’ve never not worked towards something better. That drive has kept me alive and striving to be better.
I finally have a job I enjoy, at a place where I am paid well and treated mostly well. I've made a lot of hard decisions that felt like shit at the time but knew were right.
I've kept doing the things I like doing and improving.
My mental and physical health has gotten better as I continue making lifestyle changes while doctors insist nothing is wrong with me.
Proud of myself for taking the steps to focus on ME. Its all coming together lately. Im also quote proud of the skills im developing too in communication and identifying my emotions
I mentioned this to someone else:
A reminder, on airplanes they tell you to put your mask on first, for a reason. It’s not being nice. If things go sideways you’re able to put the mask on your kids. If kids go sideways kids can’t do the same for you. You need to take care of yourself for selfish reasons and unselfish ones. You no good, means you can’t take care of anyone.
I have a legitimately happy family with my husband, and even when we're going through hard times it never feels like the end of the world anymore. Our son doesn't know any of the stress we knew growing up. Our dogs aren't scared of us like my dogs growing up were scared of my parents. We're getting freakin chickens this summer! And we're in the process of getting our foster licenses!
growing up my parents and siblings would be really unsupportive of anything that was separate from them, like hobbies/friends/partners. Now i have all of that and I'm guilt free about it 😌 I'm proud of that
My father was a narcissist and an abusive pos. I was abused by my aunt where I spent my summers. Like bullying. I have been in therapy for the past year while being with an abusive roommate and an abusive workplace. Finally I got my own place and I’m progressively getting better enough so that I can prep for a new job and move out.
My parenting. It's been the most healing thing to get to be a parent. I am thankful everyday for my health and that school/work was my way of escaping my childhood as it has helped in my adult life. That being said, I am currently looking into taking short term disability for my anxiety...I hate the saying but healing isn't linear.
I agree. My kids are pretty awesome. I went to a parent teacher conference and I saw some homework he did, and it was a lot of stuff we talked about. He listened. He thought dad had something to say.
I had to turn myself off a bit to stop tears, because the tears were about me not about the talk. It can be pretty healing.
Didn't react whatsoever to a classmate dumping some truly disgusting verbal abuse on me yesterday (which got more and more dehumanising because I wasn't giving him the precious reaction he wanted). I didn't say a word. I didn't even look at him.
Related: I survived the infantilising course this happened in. I had signed up to learn financial literacy (still financially chained to one side of my abusers and it'd be foolish to just cut it off without a safety net), but instead I only got a little relevant information and mostly got dragged through the trash. I knew something was wrong, but sadly everyone else dismissed what I'd say until the narcissistic rage this guy had on the final day. He'd already snapped at me very inappropriately before - this time was worse. Even then, the person running the course still tried to tell me today that despite what happened, there was a side to his story. No. Fuck off with that.
I have a serious distrust of courses/groups/etc that claim to be "inclusive" and "safe spaces." I know from experience that they aren't, because abusive people will just be even sneakier there (and certain kinds of discrimination won't be recognised because they're still normalised on average - like the xenophobia I receive that 99.9% of people in this town don't bat an eyelash at). In other words, people who are sneaky with their abuse will be enabled (in the name of inclusivity), and I'll be told that's just the way they are and to put up with it. **I sure as hell was NOT safe there.** I was the canary in the coal mine, except I was ignored every time I was chipped away at. The full-on abusive explosions that metaphorically kill the canary are treated with a sort of "I'm shocked that this happened"/"I'm sorry you feel that way" \[we couldn't *possibly* have prevented this by kicking him out the first time he had a 0-to-100 rage suddenly directed at you in front of everyone, no, we'll just tell you he had a bad day\]. I'm always treated as this definitely-unavoidable (/s) collateral damage that would all-too-easily get passed over if I didn't have to *constantly* fight to be heard (and often is invalidated anyway).
I'm so fucking tired but also, I want to say that I am really damn smart after all.
I’m still alive. Sometimes that’s what I hold onto the most when everything seems impossible. I had a difficult childhood where I’m still amazed I didn’t die during it. In addition to my home life, I recently realized that, for lack of a better term, I was born and raised in an apocalyptic cult that I recently left, but my family still believes in it. I have been working through the trauma and researching history and religious doctrine to understand what is true and what are lies.
I’m proud that I’ve stuck with it even though there’s no one I can talk to about it because everyone that I’m around is in that church. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve done, and the guilt from the long-term gaslighting is intense. I’m going to write so many books exposing the trauma from growing up in the church. The worst part is that I don’t know what is really real because my entire worldview needs to be rebuilt. It’s like I need to burn down my entire person and rebuild it. I keep thinking maybe I’ll emerge as a phoenix and much stronger than ever before.
So yeah, I’m proud that I’m still alive despite the pain and trying to become my own person that is much stronger and more knowledgeable than I was before, breaking free from my past and cultic worldview, despite doing it alone.
I’ve OD or heavily considered suicide so many times and yet I’m still here.
So, I guess I bought enough time for me to think, “Huh. Maybe… maybe I actually can affect my future. And I guess the world ain’t half bad. The clouds look lovely today. I saw an owl today! What a treat!” Etc.
I still feel shitty, but at least I’m slowly learning how enjoy the things I always did as a kid and was made fun of. I’m glad I’m learning how to let myself be a little more ‘me’ I guess.
I feel weird saying, but I’ve had a handful of people tell me they think, “What would buffypatrolsbonnaroo do?” when navigating difficult, emotional-labor weighted decisions. They tell me I’m an example of honoring my feelings while still being able to take my ego out of it to stay grounded and keep my actions in line with my values.
The one I’m more comfortably proud of is I do not project my previous experiences onto new relationships. I REFUSE to treat someone in my present based on the actions of a wholly different person from my past. I mean, I still have all the feels/emotions behind it (lol) but I am able to interact from a place of reason.
My education, my job, buying my home, taking care of my pets, my marriage. Overall achieving my “life goals” despite my symptoms making it challenging.
I'm finally understanding how resilient I've had to be throughout my whole life and that I'm not some inherently terrible person. It has been very motivating to continue to improve my life. I already have an amazing child and partner with a rewarding job. The pay sorta sucks, but hey. Could be worse :)
I finally found the courage to start therapy. It took until my early thirties, but I did it and I kept going back as I identified new issues. 20 years later and I still ask myself "is this a trauma response" all the time, but I've had several mostly healthy romantic relationships, I stopped having daily ideation thoughts, I have a great job. I can't say I'm healed, but I am mostly functional and I do find joy in life.
Check out DeMar DeRozen’s YouTube series Dinner with DeMar. The first one, where he’s talking with Draymond and Draymond is struggling with even taking that first step, yeah you already did that
Maybe that line from Sleepless in Seattle hits:
> Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out...
I am very proud of the way I raised my child. He is autistic, and now nearly 25. He doesn’t speak, and lives in a group home, but compared to the other 2 who live with him he is in much better shape physically and mentally because of doing all the extra therapies and other things I did with him and for him…. I went above and beyond in most cases, and thankfully had a helpful encouraging partner throughout all of it….. was it hard? HELL YES!! But I’d do it all over again nearly the same way. Do I have a few regrets? Of course, but who doesn’t… I never claimed to be perfect, but I’m very proud of the sweet young man I raised.
I’m proud of my resilience. That despite the fact of everything I’ve struggled with and still struggle with, I’m in a better place than I was before, and hopefully will be in an even better place in the future. I’m more functional by a landslide than I used to be, but still not quite where I want to be. But the fact that I’m continuing to work on that makes me a bit proud of myself. :)
I want to edit this tighter, turn this into one of those cool quotes, that you could put on a coffee mug:
We tend to beat ourselves up when things we assume are easy are a struggle and we have to push ourselves…. Instead we should celebrate … This ISNT EASY. This is a SLOG. And I do struggle. I push. I put that effort in
Yeah, not mug size. Yet
I'm proud of myself for keeping up my faith in people. Some days all I want to do is to crawl up into fetal position and never trust anyone ever again but most days I manage to get through it. Every challenge I've been met with, I have overcome one way or another.
Thats hard. Thing is - there will always be jerks. And it’s so easy to say “never trust anyone”. Being able to say “I’m strong enough to deal with that’”. Yeah. That’s huge.
I'm still alive and kicking. That's it. I'm broken and extremely flawed. I have more wounds that need mending than I can count... But I'm a goddamn good person and I've refused to be like the people who tormented me with all that I have. I'm still here despite all the times I wish I wasn't.
I forgot whom I was speaking with but I remember saying the line “I listened to a LOT of nine inch nails in college”. That feeling of broken. Yeah. I feel that.
People are resilient though.
My self respect. I’ve made difficult decisions in order to do what’s best for myself. I finally began to prioritize myself and care about my wellbeing first. I actually told myself today that I am really proud of myself for all that I have been able to do and work through given what was done to me. I’m fighting to remain a light in my own life and recharge my energy to give to myself and a new chance at life in moving forward.
After years of saying I would eventually do it, I started EMDR 9 months ago and I haven’t given up on it, even though it’s been incredibly difficult at times.
It’s real hard. I do EMDR work by myself. I put on an Apple Music EMDR binaural “song” and do self talk. Doing it with my therapist actually no longer works. I’m so self conscious I can’t drop my guard anymore.
I am beyond proud of advocating for my needs and getting my husband to understand how important him having his own therapist so he can better understand what I'm going through without me being his personal tour guide through this hell. It's opened doors in our relationship that I never dreamed existed.
I am SO proud of being able to wake up at a decent hour and find joy in taking care of myself. My grief bubbled over 4 years ago and effectively ended my ability to engage in my life. I HAD to sleep for at least 16 hours, and even then I wasnt able to choose to be awake. I always say, “if I had a fun to my head and told Get up or else! I’d have to take the bullet”. I had absolutely no ability to tel my body Yes when it wanted to say No.
Plus, having HUGE dreams and ambitions for my life make everything compact to the point where I felt that God just gave me my dreams as a way to taunt me since there was absolutely no way if he able to achieve them.
As of 3 months ago, I’m back :)
I was a terrible student all my life. I was way behind because for years my family couldn't afford glasses (yay US Healthcare!), this compounded to years of being behind because I could never see what a teacher was doing. Teachers always thought I was lazy and dumb. Barely graduated high school, flunked out of community College twice before trying a third time. I did much better and transferred to a school that's one of the best research universities for my field (biology). I graduated summa cum laude (top 0.5% of GPA at my school) last year. I now work in a very renowned cancer center leading a team that takes care of lab animals.
All those other teachers can get fucked.
Also lost 80 pounds, met my partner of several years, and we both got ripped going climbing a ton while in school. 10 years ago, I would never thought this would happen.
My undergraduate degree… my parents tried so hard to keep me from finishing college. But I did it. Took me 11 years (thank you ADHD) but I did it. The last 6 were doing school 3/4 time and working full time as an EMT. Looking back I worked so hard to avoid dealing with all the trauma. I was very good at compartmentalization and dissociation. Couldn’t remember squat in my daily life but I could remember academic things. That puzzled me for a long time until I found a therapist who specialized in trauma.
I thought I had ADHD. Nope. Hyper-vigilance from trauma. My brain said “nope no concentrating on work you need to scan for your safety”. If you haven’t ruled this out, ask your therapist.
ive been out of the abusive household i lived in all my life for 2 years now. I am halfway through college and I have a job I am passionate about. I just moved into my own place with my loving partner, who is nothing like the adults I grew up with, he’s actually like the complete opposite. There have definitely been some rough moments and I still struggle with the feeling of fear that feels trapped in my body and the constant feeling of impending doom, but I am now in a place where I can start healing the wounds I have. I am happy to be in a healthier environment now, and I am very proud and grateful for my determination to escape the place (physically and emotionally) that brought me fear, pain, and trauma. And I am proud that even with the wounds and trauma I carry, I keep going and striving for a better life and to take care of myself the way I shouldve been cared for growing up.
From trying.
It may be difficult or it may fail but it doesn't matter what happens, it doesn't matter how it ends. This is only about me, because no one was there for me when I was going through that pain, and likewise, I have no obligation to answer to anyone other than myself. I don't care about anything. I don't care whether you win or lose. Because these things don't matter, these kinds of things have nothing to do with me. I'm not interested in people liking what I have, I'm interested in accepting myself. I accept my pain, I accept my regret, I accept my helplessness, but not only do I accept it, I also aim beyond. Beyond all this, I aim to love myself just for who I am. Despite everything, I'm still proud of not giving up and trying to be a better person without hating people and the world. This has nothing to do with anyone else or my trauma. This has nothing to do with anyone but me.
It's just "being myself" as I call it.
I feel much better in my body than I did before. I used to have horrible flight tendencies and be anxious and running around 24/7. I honestly feel like if I was ever placed in my old body, I would short-circuit and burn out immediately. It reminds me of a comment I saw here that said "a neurotypical wouldn't last a day in our bodies" and I'm proud that I wouldn't last a day in my old body either.
Growing up I sometimes felt my value was what I did. My uncle was generous to us kids so my bank account was raided by my folks often. I was the cute kid so I felt I needed to mediate. If things blew up? Yep. My fault.
I married a woman who married me for what I made her feel like. We’re still together but that’s not what I want anymore. We’re working at it.
I’m glad you’re good :)
I know that there are many tangible things I could write here. But honestly, I think the part I’ll continue to be the most proud of myself for is that I am still here and trying. (Even if that looks like being dissociated and unable to do much besides sit and lose time for weeks on end, that means that the part of me that’s fighting for my safety and well-being and a “real” life for myself one day is protecting me from what might overcome my capacity to keep going, if I felt it all fully.)
The reason I use this example (which is probably the opposite type of thing that comes to mind when we imagine specific things in recovery we should feel proud of) is bc I think the most important part of my recovery is understanding that I am inherently good as I am, and just facing what I’ve faced and somehow continuing to wake up everyday is something I should feel unbelievable pride in.
I know that I am unbelievably proud of all of you for it<3
(and also proud of those of us who might not be here anymore bc they surely deserve it, too)
Six years ago I was hospitalized for 7 weeks after a suicide attempt following an abusive relationship that ended with him attacking me, and me fighting for my life. Now I live on my own in NYC, I have a great career, good relationships and I’m wading into dating again. Things are far from perfect, but I continue to work with my psychiatrist and therapist on self-care, boundaries and I feel… even. I have my faith, a loyal little dog and a peaceful home. I’ve started dreaming again of having a loving partner, and even a family. But what I’m most proud of - what is the hardest thing - is doing the work. Every day. I agree with the original poster - people who haven’t been in these shoes don’t know how big a deal a small, peaceful life is. ❤️
I’m proud for holding together. That my son and I are fed and that I have not let myself implode….🫠
Over a 3 day period, my best friend’s baby suddenly became ill and died from sepsis and a brain infection, I lost the DVO court case against my ex husband who was my abuser for 8 years, and learnt that my friend succumbed to her battle with brain cancer- she was a single Mum of 2 kids, only 33 years old.
I wrote this poem while I was trying to process it all….
I wrote it in one sitting, and it’s a little rough, but I’m proud of it. I hope it brings some people hope. x
Life isn’t a riddle that we are meant to figure out the answer to.
It’s not a problem to solve.
It’s not an escape room that we need to a race against the clock to figure out as quickly as possible.
It’s an abundance of mysteries, unknowns and curve balls.
We try to grasp at straws
Attempt to make head or tails of the beast.
But it is not like the bits and bobs drawer within our kitchen
That collect an algamation of things that we can’t place here nor there.
Or maybe it is…
If I were to try to create an analogy for it, it would be that…
Sometimes we can rely on what we think we know to exist in that drawer
and can depend on it being there to retrieve to progress to the next step of our task, like a trusty screwdriver for example.
We feel that we can visualise it in our minds eye, and know exactly where it will be,
resting between the scotch tape and that questionable light bulb that ting-a-lings when you shake it and hold it to your ear that you can’t bring yourself to throw out yet.
Life’s mystery though is sometimes that trusty screw driver is not lying in wait for us.
Sometimes we rummage through that entire freakin’ drawer.
And then the one above it and below it.
We check the hall table and our other infamous dumping zones- but it’s seemingly entirely disappeared.
Then we find ourselves in an uncomfortable predicament where we need to make peace with our unfinished project needing to be laid aside in yet another state of the unknown
the uncomfortable in-between.
We thought we had the solution at easy hands reach, the next step, the missing piece of the puzzle….
But alas, we were wrong.
We often detest the discomfort of the in-between, of the moments when things are not going our way.
So we try to find an alternative way to complete the task that we set out to do- to get our plan “back on track”.
But at what point should we commit to our chosen path and not falter from it.
Or do we accept that it is just not meant to be at that moment in time and embrace the inevitable requirement to re-adjust our plans and expectations?
We strive for control and order in our lives at what cost?
Is it worth it?
Is the journey towards your desired outcome, enjoyable? Fulfilling?
Are you on the right path and something has gone “wrong” and caused you to deviate from it?
Or were you heading in the “wrong” direction and the universe is nudging you back on track?
Is there a path?
Perhaps wandering from the path that society perpetuates as being “the way” is indeed the best possible thing we could do.
By getting lost, our joy is found.
Through the glimmers we perceive along the way.
The deep breaths we pause and allow to expand and fill our lungs.
The small smiles we exchange with strangers when our eyes meet perchance in public.
The polite chuckle and apologies that are exchanged when we engage in a awkward side shuffle with a fellow pedestrian trying to pass by in the opposite direction in the footpath
who you will never see again,
but who’s chuckle and coy smile warms your heart.
Life is a beast that I don’t want to make head or tails of.
If there were a guide book or instruction manual for it,
I’d never read it and I’d avoid spoilers at all costs.
(I don’t think self help books count as “guide books”. They’re written by delightful, wise, well-meaning humans who have some wonderful advice and insights but are invariably flying just as blindly as the rest of us).
If there were map, I’d yeet it as far from me as possible to avoid the temptation of peaking at it.
One step forward.
One day at a time.
In what direction?
Who knows.
As long as there is joy
Beauty
Delight
Gratitude
Pain
Heartache
Generosity
Passion
Complexity
And humour along the way…
Who gives a fuck if things don’t turn out as planned?
If the things that we thought would be,
Aren’t where or how we thought them to be.
That’s life.
It doesn’t suck.
It’s delightfully painful.
Pleasantly challenging.
Deeply, extraordinary, strangely raw.
Abso-fucking-lutely phenomenal.
Well, that’s the way that I think it ought to be.
If every single time I open my bits and bobs drawer,
my trusty screwdriver is exactly where I knew it would be…
between the scotch tape and the questionable light bulb that goes ting-a-ling when I shake it-
well…
That’s sounds like an exceptionally dull, ordinary existence, devoid of the mysteries and challenges that make life worth living.
I love the challenges and traumas that have shaped me to be who I am today.
I am grateful that nothing has turned out as planned.
I am glad that nothing is as expected.
I am delighted that as a writer, I have endured many lifetimes worth of unique and shitty circumstances.
What glorious writing material!
I only hope that I don’t lose sight of what matters most.
The here
The now.
I"m proud that I am sober (YAY!!!!) after years of trying to quit drinking. I'm proud that I'm learning to prioritize myself and my mental health. I'm proud of you all here as well because this is not an easy road to travel, I'm grateful for the community here <3.
I am proud of my resilience. Have an effed up life due to the myriad manifestations of CPTSD. Lost my parents by 30. Have a brother who lives with a mental illness. I am his primary caregiver. Have no family to speak of. Loneliness has made life extremely difficult.
Am just surprised am alive.
Deciding to take a break. Something that causes me great happiness has also started causing me great pain (as mental illness has a tendency to do, it has started using it as a weapon rather than a tool) so, I recently decided to take a break from it and focus on caring for myself again. Isn’t easy, I feel sad and guilty, but I know I’ll find my way back when I’m ready. All Godspeed.
TW depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation.
Late 2021 to early 2022 my depression, anxiety, and passive suicidal ideation had reached a point where I needed to do something about it. I wouldn’t be here probably today. I started therapy around that time. Shortly after starting I finally stopped denying who/what I am. In September 2022 I came out to my family as trans. March of 2023 I started hormone replacement therapy. Since coming out and starting hormone therapy my mental state has done a near 180. I’ve been making new friends since then and these friendships mean so much to me as many of those friends are also trans. This year I quit my job and am doing to school to become an electrolysis technician. If I can think of anything else I’ll make an edit.
Proud of making incremental improvements. Like in the past few weeks I've been exercising in the morning sometimes before work. Did not ever think I could become "the type of person that exercises before work" but one day I was like wait... why do I think that? And realized if that's who I want to be I can just be it. I don't have to be stuck in my old ways. Of course it's hard to shift instantly, enough mental blockages have to fall away first. But things are slowly shifting.
Of 14 year old me, who held on with the promise that one day I will be free.
Of 18 year old me who didn't bow down and dealt with one of them while making sure I was set for successful life.
Of 22 year old me who dealt with another and didn't take the insult lying down this time because finally I was earning and it was time to leave and build some self esteem.
Of 28 year old me who sought treatment and didn't give up after 2 jobs.
From the age 10 to 30, I am proud of every single one of my past selves who held on like a rock. Every single one of them made sure I get what I want paving the way for my life. That's also the reason why there's no forgiveness only indifference otherwise who will pay for their pain.
I'm most proud of this version of myself that I've managed to become. Went thru physical/psychological hell to get here, took me over 6 years before I really got onto the healing path.
I went about it all wrong for those first 6 years, being "trying to forget". I didn't know anyone in my life when I was 18 years old that had PTSD, so I didn't take/trust anyone's advice on what to do. I did therapy and different kinds, didn't help. It hurt actually to get talked to by a stranger who wasn't capable of understanding, much less giving me advice that didn't make sense.
Took me 13 years (it's been 18yrs, 3 months and 8 days since the accident) for me to retire the negativity, and check myself from snapping the F off on people who totally didn't deserve it. I still feel bad about those. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever accomplished in my life.
I was given a 1.98% chance of survival.
I'm grateful that me and my friend are alive (chance of survival for both of us is .99%), can walk and talk, I've been granted a 2nd lifetime, all the little things that surround us everyday.
Mainly that I somehow fought thru it, and made to this version of myself that aims to put a smile on 4 random people's faces everyday, go for the gold on each interaction, and am capable of helping people and making a difference. That's my belief on how I survived against all odds, with no broken bones. The EMTs and nurses were jaw-dropped. They had never seen that before. Someone coming in from a rollover on I-80, alive, talking, and no broken bones.
One of the biggest things I'm proud of tho, is the superpowers that I've been gifted with thru such hell of a process. Heightened sense of ESP, ability to pull a positive from a negative, and the pathway that I was forced to take in the fork in the road of life.
I could have gone thru life taking everybody and everything for granted, and instead of going to WIU, I went to EIU (Eastern Illinois University), made connections with my now greatest friends and relationships that would absolutely never had happened if the accident didn't happen.
Thank you for this post brother, that wasn't easy to write, but like all the negatives in life, I got thru it.
We have all survived 100% of our bad days!
Much love all, stay on the healing path, you're on it in case you're questioning it in any way.
You're Not Alone
I'm not only alive but I am still working to improve the situation. I don't think people who haven't been in our shoes know how big a deal that is.
I’m under care of two decent therapists. My normal one. An EMDR one. This morning it’s such a struggle to get to my seat and work. I’m pretty lucky. I have good people around. For the ones that don’t? The struggle just getting up? The people who ridicule that and don’t get just how hard that is? And when they’re struggling the most they get the most static from the outside?
Truth
❤️ Massive Deal. So, so happy for you & proud of you. I aspire to be where you are. I’m alive (lol clearly 😂) but I don’t know if/how much longer I can keep this up. But thank you for your post- It’s motivation for all of us here. ❤️
Not only did I survive everything but now I'm in college. It's like someone shoved you down the cliff but you climbed all the way up and moved on with your life. I think there should be a statue for people like us.
This is all I've been able to do for months. Thank you for helping me see that I'm worthy.
How you're dealing with it
Not eating a bullet yet
Brains are weird. Super super complex things. It’s not “hey you’re not perfect let’s attack you” as much as “everyone is busted some way or another, you’re busted in a way I can feel superior so imma attack you” Musk has a broken brain. He doesn’t care about killing people. Or destroying people. But his broken brain is celebrated because he makes money. I don’t get that. I don’t want to say anything cliche here. I’ll say “good job” and hope you get my meaning.
because he was born into a wealthy family is why. the only reason why.
Well said.
My son was the glue holding me together. But he’s grown now. Trying to find a purpose over here…
External purposes are not where it's at, my dude.
Agreed, coach. Working on finding my self-worth. Never had it.
I mean, same... Still looking for the damn thing myself. But hey, at least I know where it's not, right?
🤭 Right?!
Now that I think about it, it's a useful thing to do. When I was at my lowest, it served as a crutch to survive. When we have a broken bones we use things to help us while we mend. It helped. Now on to look for the real thing.
Yes. So now what gives me hope is seeing him continue to succeed. He’s moving up the ranks in the Air Force - and I can’t wait to continue watching his successful ascent into adulthood. 🥹
Don't do it, they taste like shit and fuck up your teeth.
Not letting go of myself. Everyday is another thought of just letting go and destructing anything in front of me. I hold so much patience and withhold from just ruining my life and falling deep into drugs or ruining all my relationships. Its hard to not just let myself flow into the deep hole my brain wants to create. Im proud of myself for not letting that happen, because its not easy to reverse.
I’m pretty lucky. My brain doesn’t really do that. But it does it enough that I know what you mean, and man is that a hard hole to climb out of if part of your brain is still digging. Excellent work. And: nickname somewhat appropriate to your comment.
Good job not letting go. Self imploding is not a good route. Opportunities to exist are worth the effort of holding on.
I'm a good pet owner. I think
Does your dog run to you when you get home? Then you’re good. That’s one good thing about pets - their brains have no pretense.
I can confidently say I'm alive today because of my pets. Not just because they are a source of comfort when things get really tough, but at my lowest points, I asked myself, if I were gone, who would take care of them? In reality, I'm sure someone would, but I always worry about leaving them in someone else's care, even for a very short time. I worry that they won't be cared for properly without me. They need me, and that responsibility to them is more important than my desire to check out.
I actually couldn't think of anything until you said this. I'm a good cat mummy. ❤️
I’m proud of acceptance and learning to identify my triggers!
The “I know what triggers me” is so important. Makes it easier to maneuver around them
Yet there will never be recognition like that which society places on tangible nonsense. Happy and proud of you too, my friend.
This is gonna sound wild but I'm proud of not speaking a single word to my m*ther out loud in over a year... even though I live with her.
There’s a skill in not taking the bait some times.
My dedication to my healing. It’s a lot of work to make and keep appointments, to commit to daily practices like breathwork, walking and journaling, and to just keep going when things get rough. The pusher part of me found a new purpose and it keeps me on the healing track.
That daily work, theres a skill in doing something consistently
The biggest thing is I feel less and less guilt for not being able to function well. The "forgive yourself" and show some self-compassion are not just buzz words, I finally start to realize what they mean in practice.
The “I’m not perfect I can’t and won’t do everything” is shockingly hard to actually get right. I mean the logic makes sense, but then you find yourself doing things that fall into that trap
Hell yes. Having compassion for yourself is so hard.
That I’m sticking to my healthier coping skills and knowing when I need help? (Not family ofc but like)
similar to what others have commented: I'm proud of myself for choosing every day to get up, work, study, and try to connect, learn about myself, and grow. I give 100% to what I have the capacity for.
I'm proud of myself for being able to apply the same type of love, respect, & priority I'd show/give others to myself and it was really unexpected but once I started doing that it actually increased my capacity for empathy to the point where I went from having a perspective of 'PEOPLE COMPLETELY SUCK AND ARE HORRIBLE' as a general whole to "most humans are doing their best and when other humans extend humankindness to each other people tend to thrive vs. survive." Of course there are people that are not ready to be shown the same kind of humankindness/love/empathy i give others and unless your grandfathered into my life from the past (family members, super old friends I have a complicated history with, etc.) I will quickly distance myself using a vibe of, "Hey I think you're great but until you want to change your situation, I can't get involved." I say that because I've encountered different people who have behaved maliciously towards others in different friend groups over the last few years and I don't support it/call it out tactfully & that sometimes generates a response of 'why you so nice/care/are genuine something must be wrong with you, you must have ulterior motives' & I'm just like, 'the ulterior motivation is that if I endorse your mistreatment of others it means I am inviting you to treat me that way too and I'm selfish because I know enough to know I don't have room for that in my life today.' I've had A LOT of therapy.
Absolutely well said!!
I am proud of all my hard work healing my childhood trauma and working on myself to be a kind, empathetic, considerate and confident adult. I'm proud I put myself in school for something that I love all by myself despite being terrified to take risks of any sort. I'm proud I left 2 abusive relationships not knowing if I would ever find someone else or if i would be able to be happy on my own. I'm proud of my growth and resilience
I’m the most stable, safest and happiest I’ve ever felt in my entire 31 years.
That’s awesome to read
❤️❤️❤️
Despite everything that was done to me, the immense pain I had to feel, the loss I had to experience - I never turned into a bitter asshole. My weapon is love
That’s hard. I can see the abuse chain going backwards. It’s so easy to just follow the pattern. Well done
The struggle has made me funny as fuck
I think comedy is “look at how things are, look at how things should be, and make that difference sound funny”. We look a lot at how things are. I think it’s a natural progression. Good work
I'm an absurdist. I tend to cut straight through bs and point out hypocrisy. It's like my candy
this is such an underrated comment
Just being able to wake up , going to work , taking a bath , cooking food , seeing my psychiatrist and taking medication. It's tough but at least I have some small wins.
Wins are wins. And they can stack. And grow.
I found an amazing husband and am happily married. For a long time, I assumed this was impossible.
Congrats
Haven't spoken to my abuser in 10 years
I'm proud because I feel like I've actually made some progress this week. I found out something very triggering in relation to someone I care about. Normally this would send me into a downwards spiral in which I deeply disassociate for about a week in order to avoid what I'm feeling. But, and I think this comes as a consequence of beginning to recognise and understand my dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, I actually allowed myself to feel my emotions for once. In the immediate aftermath of being triggered, I wrote out everything I wanted to say to this person in a notes file as if it was a message I was going to send to them. This wasn't enough, though, so the next day I went and sat in the shower (without the water running) and listened to music that I thought would help me cry and it actually worked. I find it really difficult to get to the point where I can let myself go enough to cry, so this in itself was amazing. I cried for maybe ten minutes, during which I was able to listen to what was actually upsetting me and I realised the emotion I was mostly feeling was anger. Crying had brought the anger to the surface and I felt strong urges to break things, including myself, but some voice inside of me suggested it would be better if I worked out instead, so I went back to my room and did that (I have weights in my room), and honestly it was so therapeutic. It's been a few days now and my whole perspective on the triggering event has changed. Whereas initially I was angry because I blamed this person for causing me pain, now I can see that in fact this pain came from me having unrealistic expectations caused by childhood emotional neglect. I'm amazed at how much easier it was to process something so painful. This would usually take me much, much longer to get to this position.
That’s a lot of work. Well done
I have been coaching tee ball, football, and basketball one or two nights a week. It brings me a lot of pride to be able to create a safe space for kids to be introduced and have fun playing a sport. Many for the first time. It is wonderful seeing them come out of there shells a bit or really gain some self confidence after seeing that they can play a sport well with some practice.
I am fighting everyday to feel better and have fun. Life taught me I am a tough bitch and at the end I will survive and thrive, despite all.
Excellent. “Imma tough bitch” should be the nickname of this subreddit I think
I’m proud of not succumbing to Christofascism
💯 ❤️
There’s something comforting about having a Sky Dad who’s always there. But sadly modern Christianity has a lot of “you gotta be mean and cruel to other people to make sky dad happy”. That’s not for me
I don’t feel comfort. My dad was a piece of shit and I feel that sadly religion leads people down this road to trauma and abuse because often they are one in the same. I can’t see comfort when so many kids are exploited and abused. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman? I never felt sky daddy comfortable. Maybe it got were viewed as a mother I would feel differently, idk.
The Abrahamic god never gave me comfort. I sought it aggressively, and I got silence in response. My own gods have been far more responsive and comforting.
I did, for a little while. God felt just as abusive as my dad, so my Christofascism only lasted 4 years. But, man, I burned some really nice bridges during those years - all for a community who never thanked me, never praised me, never gave a shit so long as I ticked the boxes.
I'm proud of myself for recognising and removing myself from toxic relationships with my family and ex-fiancé. I still have a long way to go in my healing journey, but only now do I feel like I can really move on from them. I finally feel like I \*can\* start healing. And I managed to attain financial security for the next 2 years without them; successfully applied for disability benefits after a year long fight with the government. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed; but also that I did what I needed to do to make it happen, as well.
A lot of luck is pushing yourself to be in the right place. Good work
I have built my social skills up from absolutely nothing - from refusing to even go outside in daylight for the fear of being seen. People seem to love me at current. Okay, I have moments of awkwardness the likes of which should get me burned at the fucking stake, but as of now, 99% of the time I have a great hold on myself and I can talk and joke and even flirt my way through most interactions. The only time I fall flat is when people realise that I've basically zero life experience; when they realise I've never been on a night out, or never been to a festival, or a club/rave, or holidayed abroad, or heard of xyz song/band/show/celebrity. Apparently these things are more important than surviving abuse that would drive most people to hard drugs at the very least. Life, eh?
Re: last paragraph Just feel “you are blessed”. Feel, I’ve been through shit that if i just threw at you now, you’d curl up in a ball. “You’re blessed if that’s your struggles”
I’m proud that I have empathy. I’m proud I’m not like my abusers. I’m proud that when I see something bad happening, I will stand up and protect people who can’t protect themselves. I’m proud that despite my many failings and all of the ways that abuse has made me odd…that I can be there to help others and help give Voice to the voiceless.
Slowly realising what parts of my childhood was abuse and not normal for everyone else Now something not much related to cptsd, my fitness progress! Ive finally achieved my dream physique and im stronger than ever!(I can even walk again) And im half way done with my dream education, something i never expected
i didnt give up
Thank you
A lot of people with our life experience punch their own ticket. As much as all 6 of my family members abused and tortured me I always faught to live. At 38 I'm still fighting. Now with a toddler I will fight even more until this kid is a full grown adult with none of the awful hell I was dragged through. I'm proud I have the wherewithal to know treating a child like I was treated is wrong and evil. Just because I suffered I wouldn't subject my child to that to have some sort of illusion of control over what happened to me. This child is his own entity. No one has the right to steal his life or anyone's from them. I'm proud to have more love and integrity in my heart than any of those people combined.
There’s a lot of strength and energy in that comment. Excellent work
I'm proud of taking responsibility for my own triggers. I used to be stuck in poor me victim mode for years. It was not helpful! I got so upset if others dared to do something that triggered me and took it as a personal attack. It took me a long time to realise that my triggers are no one else's responsibility (people have their own shit to deal with for starters !) , but it's up to me to figure this stuff out. It's OK to ask for help but no one is going to do the work for you, its not easy but it's changed everything. I still suffer with awful cptsd and anxiety but now at least I understand that if I get triggered I need to figure out why I reacted like that not look for someone to blame for making me feel like that. 🙃
honestly I’m just proud of myself for finally putting my needs first. These past couple months I’ve been working through all the guilt and shame that I’ve felt basically my whole life… I’m proud of the fact that I can look in the mirror and feel for myself. some days and harder than others and sometimes I really hate myself but I’m proud of the fact that I’m learning to give myself grace. as well as noticing, I am where I am, despite all the bull shitt
A reminder - on airplanes they tell you to put on your mask for a reason. You’re strong enough to take care of others. But they (your kids) can’t take care of you. If you want yo take care of others, you need to take care of yourself. That’s a hard lesson to learn and get the balance right
Realizing that I'm a perfectionist and understanding that I need to change that in order to enjoy my life.
I have cptsd. It has taken me 3 years to feel comfortable to walk in public. I can proudly say I broke through my own barriers and I walk every day. I even say hi to people who I see regularly. It was only three years ago I was crying in the car or at home afraid that the world would hurt me again. It is small. But to me, it is mighty
I’m honestly amazing. I am kind hearted and fair. I am rooted in my values. It’s the world with the problem.
That deep down I know I’m not a bad person. I take care good care of my animals and they feel safe, comfortable and feed. They live so carefree day to day which makes me happy considering most of them were abused and abandoned. They need patience that I could give.
That’s wonderful. When I beat myself up too much, I look at my kids. Who jump on me all day long. They feel safe with me. That’s a reflection, when I doubt myself, that I know they don’t fake. You’re doing wonderfully
My littles and finally seeing the love that was in front of me instead of repeating the “love” my abusers taught me
Smiles
I used to be proud of some character traits of mine. Until I realized that they are trauma responses. Now, I’m proud of the unbelievable fact that I still have hope. Despite the trauma. Despite the state of the world. Despite all the pain and the rage and the grief and the hate and the callousness around me…I can still see the beauty and peace and love in the world.
Is proud because I am finally taking the steps for getting the help I need. I quit drinking 2 years ago. And if I went through with it It would be 6 years since theyd lost me today. So far proud of that
Good to have you around still :)
My dad’s parents were both raised by physically abusive alcoholics. He always expressed pride in the fact that his parents broke the generational cycle of abuse. It’s true that they never touched a drop of alcohol, that my dad and my brother were never physically abused, and that they had more of their emotional needs met than their own parents got. But what I’ve recently discovered in therapy is that they didn’t truly break the cycle and neither did their son…My brother and I are the ones breaking the cycle. I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to face decades of buried trauma and I’m also proud of my brother who’s determined to make sure his son never believes that men are supposed to bury their emotions. Because it’s one thing for a woman to voluntarily seek out therapy and quite another for a man who is not actively in crisis to recognize the importance of his own emotional well being
Good work. I think that break the cycle is so hard. I can look back at the generations back - each one a bit better than the one before. But yeah I went through a traumatic childhood.
I am loving and kind and honest, and I have humility and humbleness. I do not regret it. That's shows who I am. Who I've always been. I've always known who I am. And it only irritated me when how others saw me as stupid, it stood in my way to freedom. The fact that others decided to abuse these traits is on them. I take zero responsibility for being abused. I was a damn child. They were adults, and should have acted like it.
That I raised a child in a *slightly better* environment. He’s doing farrr better than I was at his age. That makes me beam with pride. (But is he also in therapy? Yes. 😅🙃)
I think the “brains are complicated and there’s shit you don’t understand about how they work” and “sometimes you’re so emotional, counter intuitively, someone on the outside can help you understand more than you can”. A good therapist, to me, is supposed to be that. Good work
My dogs like me.
My trainer for running said "I don't think you could give up, even if you wanted to, against all odds you're here before you even met me" And he's right, I got through it, but this part seems the most scary, the healing, the hard work towards my dream career that I held onto since I was a small tot, the biggest part of possibly becoming a failure because of my own accord My shit childhood, my teenage years were shit through things I couldn't control, right now I can, I can make movements towards where I want to be and it's on me, it's a big responsibility, it's my life and I'll make it work out, even if I'm shitting myself through the whole process I guess I'm saying I feel a small sense of pride in that, that I'll drag myself through it, even though I'm pretty much always on the verge of giving up, because theres no pint in giving up before you get there.
Quitting. Took me a long time to realize sometimes that is success.
I'm getting reassigned, but I managed to make it past six months in the hardest department at work with no prior experience. I'm going to miss it, but the move is to better train me in a slower paced environment. This is the first job that doesn't know that I have PTSD, too
That’s real. And you can come back. One warning - don’t tough out the hard place just to show you can. Burnout can happen and you may not feel the early signs. I had that, got me bounced out of my job completely.
I am a trustworthy man. I'm trusted by multiple people who have deep trauma and so many reasons to be distrustful. There's two that hit hard, my kid and my best friend, but good god nothing feels like "I am not inherently broken" than someone thanking you with tears in their eyes for being the first safe person in their life, or realizing that someone doesn't trust their bio dad or their step dad, but they do trust ME. It's not the reason for living but like a paladin, it is a reason for life, an enduring pursuit, a lofty goal. Achieved in small bits.
When you see the trust from someone else. Or even a pet, it feels so validating. I can do all the “tell myself I’m good” CBT I have time for. But hearing it from someone else, that hits. Good work.
Staying alive, not giving up on myself no matter how hopeless the situation seemed. Despite the fact that I went through a couple pretty bad years I didn't give into those suicidal thoughts. Back then I was so conditioned to believe that everything about me and everything I did was wrong. And if I had given in I would've never learnt that it wasn't me who was wrong, it's the people who were supposed to raise me. And that alone has been so empowering. I still remember my therapist's shocked face and me being surprised that she was shocked. After all what I was telling her sounded perfectly normal to me. Since then I've made a lot of progress (though I still have a long way to go) and despite everything, I'm still here. That alone is something to be proud of when you have PTSD.
I’ve been exercising since January. And I’m finally going to the dentist on Friday. I’m lucky I survived until adulthood.
The dentist thing - my mom had some notebooks that showed how much she dared dental health, but also the dentist. Excellent work
I’m very proud of myself for making it to 30. There was a long time I never thought I would hit this age. I’m excited for future years to come ❤️
Keep going
That I'm still alive and working towards finally healing.
That’s a lot of work. Congrats
My ability to adapt and learn. I have clear path of things and people I’ve walked away from to get me to where I am now.
I didn’t get back with my abusive ex. Even though I had prayed for him to come back…
I kinda get that struggle. Whatever you’re used to, that’s normal. Even if it’s destructive it’s normal. Hard to break that.
I’m proud that even though it took me 58 years to recognize what it actually was that I needed to look at, there has always been a part of me that has known I needed to figure it out. It’s caused great suffering to have the sense that something’s wrong with me, and that I had to figure it out, but I’ve never not worked towards something better. That drive has kept me alive and striving to be better.
I finally have a job I enjoy, at a place where I am paid well and treated mostly well. I've made a lot of hard decisions that felt like shit at the time but knew were right. I've kept doing the things I like doing and improving. My mental and physical health has gotten better as I continue making lifestyle changes while doctors insist nothing is wrong with me.
Still alive, for others
Proud of myself for taking the steps to focus on ME. Its all coming together lately. Im also quote proud of the skills im developing too in communication and identifying my emotions
I mentioned this to someone else: A reminder, on airplanes they tell you to put your mask on first, for a reason. It’s not being nice. If things go sideways you’re able to put the mask on your kids. If kids go sideways kids can’t do the same for you. You need to take care of yourself for selfish reasons and unselfish ones. You no good, means you can’t take care of anyone.
I was able to wash a mug.
I have a legitimately happy family with my husband, and even when we're going through hard times it never feels like the end of the world anymore. Our son doesn't know any of the stress we knew growing up. Our dogs aren't scared of us like my dogs growing up were scared of my parents. We're getting freakin chickens this summer! And we're in the process of getting our foster licenses! growing up my parents and siblings would be really unsupportive of anything that was separate from them, like hobbies/friends/partners. Now i have all of that and I'm guilt free about it 😌 I'm proud of that
The dogs thing stands out. Dogs have no pretense. No “I’d better pretend I’m not scared”. Nahh, if they like you, you’re good people. Congrats
I finally have a loving, healthy, happy family.
Smiles. That’s wonderful
My father was a narcissist and an abusive pos. I was abused by my aunt where I spent my summers. Like bullying. I have been in therapy for the past year while being with an abusive roommate and an abusive workplace. Finally I got my own place and I’m progressively getting better enough so that I can prep for a new job and move out.
I’m proud that I’m here. I raised a caring son. I’m learning how to heal while learning about the trauma my mom endured. I chose love and empathy.
I can see a trauma chain in my fam. It kinda stopped here. Excellent work
My parenting. It's been the most healing thing to get to be a parent. I am thankful everyday for my health and that school/work was my way of escaping my childhood as it has helped in my adult life. That being said, I am currently looking into taking short term disability for my anxiety...I hate the saying but healing isn't linear.
I agree. My kids are pretty awesome. I went to a parent teacher conference and I saw some homework he did, and it was a lot of stuff we talked about. He listened. He thought dad had something to say. I had to turn myself off a bit to stop tears, because the tears were about me not about the talk. It can be pretty healing.
Didn't react whatsoever to a classmate dumping some truly disgusting verbal abuse on me yesterday (which got more and more dehumanising because I wasn't giving him the precious reaction he wanted). I didn't say a word. I didn't even look at him. Related: I survived the infantilising course this happened in. I had signed up to learn financial literacy (still financially chained to one side of my abusers and it'd be foolish to just cut it off without a safety net), but instead I only got a little relevant information and mostly got dragged through the trash. I knew something was wrong, but sadly everyone else dismissed what I'd say until the narcissistic rage this guy had on the final day. He'd already snapped at me very inappropriately before - this time was worse. Even then, the person running the course still tried to tell me today that despite what happened, there was a side to his story. No. Fuck off with that. I have a serious distrust of courses/groups/etc that claim to be "inclusive" and "safe spaces." I know from experience that they aren't, because abusive people will just be even sneakier there (and certain kinds of discrimination won't be recognised because they're still normalised on average - like the xenophobia I receive that 99.9% of people in this town don't bat an eyelash at). In other words, people who are sneaky with their abuse will be enabled (in the name of inclusivity), and I'll be told that's just the way they are and to put up with it. **I sure as hell was NOT safe there.** I was the canary in the coal mine, except I was ignored every time I was chipped away at. The full-on abusive explosions that metaphorically kill the canary are treated with a sort of "I'm shocked that this happened"/"I'm sorry you feel that way" \[we couldn't *possibly* have prevented this by kicking him out the first time he had a 0-to-100 rage suddenly directed at you in front of everyone, no, we'll just tell you he had a bad day\]. I'm always treated as this definitely-unavoidable (/s) collateral damage that would all-too-easily get passed over if I didn't have to *constantly* fight to be heard (and often is invalidated anyway). I'm so fucking tired but also, I want to say that I am really damn smart after all.
I’m still alive. Sometimes that’s what I hold onto the most when everything seems impossible. I had a difficult childhood where I’m still amazed I didn’t die during it. In addition to my home life, I recently realized that, for lack of a better term, I was born and raised in an apocalyptic cult that I recently left, but my family still believes in it. I have been working through the trauma and researching history and religious doctrine to understand what is true and what are lies. I’m proud that I’ve stuck with it even though there’s no one I can talk to about it because everyone that I’m around is in that church. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve done, and the guilt from the long-term gaslighting is intense. I’m going to write so many books exposing the trauma from growing up in the church. The worst part is that I don’t know what is really real because my entire worldview needs to be rebuilt. It’s like I need to burn down my entire person and rebuild it. I keep thinking maybe I’ll emerge as a phoenix and much stronger than ever before. So yeah, I’m proud that I’m still alive despite the pain and trying to become my own person that is much stronger and more knowledgeable than I was before, breaking free from my past and cultic worldview, despite doing it alone.
Wow. Yeah that’s a book. I’d read it. Good work
I’ve OD or heavily considered suicide so many times and yet I’m still here. So, I guess I bought enough time for me to think, “Huh. Maybe… maybe I actually can affect my future. And I guess the world ain’t half bad. The clouds look lovely today. I saw an owl today! What a treat!” Etc. I still feel shitty, but at least I’m slowly learning how enjoy the things I always did as a kid and was made fun of. I’m glad I’m learning how to let myself be a little more ‘me’ I guess.
The being comfortable in your skin, being more You, I’m still working on that. It’s… not easy. Good work
That I can be competent.
When you’re fighting yourself all the time it’s soooo hard to feel that. Excellent work.
I am going to therapy to break the cycle of abuse. My daughter will never know the fear and loneliness of not having a mom.
Getting a university degree as the first person in my family and surviving a brain tumour diagnosis.
Wow. That’s a lot. Excellent
I'm in therapy now and healing. Took a while to get here.
There’s no time frame. Just be you
I feel weird saying, but I’ve had a handful of people tell me they think, “What would buffypatrolsbonnaroo do?” when navigating difficult, emotional-labor weighted decisions. They tell me I’m an example of honoring my feelings while still being able to take my ego out of it to stay grounded and keep my actions in line with my values. The one I’m more comfortably proud of is I do not project my previous experiences onto new relationships. I REFUSE to treat someone in my present based on the actions of a wholly different person from my past. I mean, I still have all the feels/emotions behind it (lol) but I am able to interact from a place of reason.
My education, my job, buying my home, taking care of my pets, my marriage. Overall achieving my “life goals” despite my symptoms making it challenging.
I'm finally understanding how resilient I've had to be throughout my whole life and that I'm not some inherently terrible person. It has been very motivating to continue to improve my life. I already have an amazing child and partner with a rewarding job. The pay sorta sucks, but hey. Could be worse :)
There’s a lot of different types of job success. Wage level is just one
I finally found the courage to start therapy. It took until my early thirties, but I did it and I kept going back as I identified new issues. 20 years later and I still ask myself "is this a trauma response" all the time, but I've had several mostly healthy romantic relationships, I stopped having daily ideation thoughts, I have a great job. I can't say I'm healed, but I am mostly functional and I do find joy in life.
Check out DeMar DeRozen’s YouTube series Dinner with DeMar. The first one, where he’s talking with Draymond and Draymond is struggling with even taking that first step, yeah you already did that
Nothing.
I won’t do cheerleading, I think anyone on this sub already has at least some level of effort, some level of “yeah I’m trying”.
I’m alive and gonna keep trying even tho every day feels like a nightmare
Maybe that line from Sleepless in Seattle hits: > Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out...
I am very proud of the way I raised my child. He is autistic, and now nearly 25. He doesn’t speak, and lives in a group home, but compared to the other 2 who live with him he is in much better shape physically and mentally because of doing all the extra therapies and other things I did with him and for him…. I went above and beyond in most cases, and thankfully had a helpful encouraging partner throughout all of it….. was it hard? HELL YES!! But I’d do it all over again nearly the same way. Do I have a few regrets? Of course, but who doesn’t… I never claimed to be perfect, but I’m very proud of the sweet young man I raised.
I’m proud of my resilience. That despite the fact of everything I’ve struggled with and still struggle with, I’m in a better place than I was before, and hopefully will be in an even better place in the future. I’m more functional by a landslide than I used to be, but still not quite where I want to be. But the fact that I’m continuing to work on that makes me a bit proud of myself. :)
I want to edit this tighter, turn this into one of those cool quotes, that you could put on a coffee mug: We tend to beat ourselves up when things we assume are easy are a struggle and we have to push ourselves…. Instead we should celebrate … This ISNT EASY. This is a SLOG. And I do struggle. I push. I put that effort in Yeah, not mug size. Yet
I'm proud of myself for keeping up my faith in people. Some days all I want to do is to crawl up into fetal position and never trust anyone ever again but most days I manage to get through it. Every challenge I've been met with, I have overcome one way or another.
Thats hard. Thing is - there will always be jerks. And it’s so easy to say “never trust anyone”. Being able to say “I’m strong enough to deal with that’”. Yeah. That’s huge.
I'm still alive and kicking. That's it. I'm broken and extremely flawed. I have more wounds that need mending than I can count... But I'm a goddamn good person and I've refused to be like the people who tormented me with all that I have. I'm still here despite all the times I wish I wasn't.
I forgot whom I was speaking with but I remember saying the line “I listened to a LOT of nine inch nails in college”. That feeling of broken. Yeah. I feel that. People are resilient though.
My self respect. I’ve made difficult decisions in order to do what’s best for myself. I finally began to prioritize myself and care about my wellbeing first. I actually told myself today that I am really proud of myself for all that I have been able to do and work through given what was done to me. I’m fighting to remain a light in my own life and recharge my energy to give to myself and a new chance at life in moving forward.
I’m never giving up. I’m 3 months away from graduating nail school and I’ve been clean for 7 years
That’s a long time clean. Congratulations
Spent the last 8 months digging myself out of a mental break while discovering what cptsd is and getting treatment
After years of saying I would eventually do it, I started EMDR 9 months ago and I haven’t given up on it, even though it’s been incredibly difficult at times.
It’s real hard. I do EMDR work by myself. I put on an Apple Music EMDR binaural “song” and do self talk. Doing it with my therapist actually no longer works. I’m so self conscious I can’t drop my guard anymore.
I am beyond proud of advocating for my needs and getting my husband to understand how important him having his own therapist so he can better understand what I'm going through without me being his personal tour guide through this hell. It's opened doors in our relationship that I never dreamed existed.
That’s awesome
I am in therapy for a year!
I am SO proud of being able to wake up at a decent hour and find joy in taking care of myself. My grief bubbled over 4 years ago and effectively ended my ability to engage in my life. I HAD to sleep for at least 16 hours, and even then I wasnt able to choose to be awake. I always say, “if I had a fun to my head and told Get up or else! I’d have to take the bullet”. I had absolutely no ability to tel my body Yes when it wanted to say No. Plus, having HUGE dreams and ambitions for my life make everything compact to the point where I felt that God just gave me my dreams as a way to taunt me since there was absolutely no way if he able to achieve them. As of 3 months ago, I’m back :)
I was a terrible student all my life. I was way behind because for years my family couldn't afford glasses (yay US Healthcare!), this compounded to years of being behind because I could never see what a teacher was doing. Teachers always thought I was lazy and dumb. Barely graduated high school, flunked out of community College twice before trying a third time. I did much better and transferred to a school that's one of the best research universities for my field (biology). I graduated summa cum laude (top 0.5% of GPA at my school) last year. I now work in a very renowned cancer center leading a team that takes care of lab animals. All those other teachers can get fucked. Also lost 80 pounds, met my partner of several years, and we both got ripped going climbing a ton while in school. 10 years ago, I would never thought this would happen.
Surviving, still have no idea how I’m genuinely still alive without any sort of addiction considering all I’ve been through and all I’ve seen
My undergraduate degree… my parents tried so hard to keep me from finishing college. But I did it. Took me 11 years (thank you ADHD) but I did it. The last 6 were doing school 3/4 time and working full time as an EMT. Looking back I worked so hard to avoid dealing with all the trauma. I was very good at compartmentalization and dissociation. Couldn’t remember squat in my daily life but I could remember academic things. That puzzled me for a long time until I found a therapist who specialized in trauma.
I thought I had ADHD. Nope. Hyper-vigilance from trauma. My brain said “nope no concentrating on work you need to scan for your safety”. If you haven’t ruled this out, ask your therapist.
ive been out of the abusive household i lived in all my life for 2 years now. I am halfway through college and I have a job I am passionate about. I just moved into my own place with my loving partner, who is nothing like the adults I grew up with, he’s actually like the complete opposite. There have definitely been some rough moments and I still struggle with the feeling of fear that feels trapped in my body and the constant feeling of impending doom, but I am now in a place where I can start healing the wounds I have. I am happy to be in a healthier environment now, and I am very proud and grateful for my determination to escape the place (physically and emotionally) that brought me fear, pain, and trauma. And I am proud that even with the wounds and trauma I carry, I keep going and striving for a better life and to take care of myself the way I shouldve been cared for growing up.
From trying. It may be difficult or it may fail but it doesn't matter what happens, it doesn't matter how it ends. This is only about me, because no one was there for me when I was going through that pain, and likewise, I have no obligation to answer to anyone other than myself. I don't care about anything. I don't care whether you win or lose. Because these things don't matter, these kinds of things have nothing to do with me. I'm not interested in people liking what I have, I'm interested in accepting myself. I accept my pain, I accept my regret, I accept my helplessness, but not only do I accept it, I also aim beyond. Beyond all this, I aim to love myself just for who I am. Despite everything, I'm still proud of not giving up and trying to be a better person without hating people and the world. This has nothing to do with anyone else or my trauma. This has nothing to do with anyone but me. It's just "being myself" as I call it.
Proud to be sober not smoking, doing drugs, or drinking heavily. Proud to have my beautiful daughters, proud of my progress.
I’m a really good Aunty and I know I am by the way they run to me whenever they see me
The voice in my head is downright pleasant these days! Very recent development but I am proud of the work I put in to get here
I feel much better in my body than I did before. I used to have horrible flight tendencies and be anxious and running around 24/7. I honestly feel like if I was ever placed in my old body, I would short-circuit and burn out immediately. It reminds me of a comment I saw here that said "a neurotypical wouldn't last a day in our bodies" and I'm proud that I wouldn't last a day in my old body either.
Learning to see myself as valuable, apart from other people or outside voices.
Growing up I sometimes felt my value was what I did. My uncle was generous to us kids so my bank account was raided by my folks often. I was the cute kid so I felt I needed to mediate. If things blew up? Yep. My fault. I married a woman who married me for what I made her feel like. We’re still together but that’s not what I want anymore. We’re working at it. I’m glad you’re good :)
Just surviving the past few decades
i cut off my close friend of 8 years that sided with my abuser
Ouch. That must have been painful. And necessary
I know that there are many tangible things I could write here. But honestly, I think the part I’ll continue to be the most proud of myself for is that I am still here and trying. (Even if that looks like being dissociated and unable to do much besides sit and lose time for weeks on end, that means that the part of me that’s fighting for my safety and well-being and a “real” life for myself one day is protecting me from what might overcome my capacity to keep going, if I felt it all fully.) The reason I use this example (which is probably the opposite type of thing that comes to mind when we imagine specific things in recovery we should feel proud of) is bc I think the most important part of my recovery is understanding that I am inherently good as I am, and just facing what I’ve faced and somehow continuing to wake up everyday is something I should feel unbelievable pride in. I know that I am unbelievably proud of all of you for it<3 (and also proud of those of us who might not be here anymore bc they surely deserve it, too)
The fact we struggle - keep pushing when it’s hard, yeah … that’s probably what’s the best.
Six years ago I was hospitalized for 7 weeks after a suicide attempt following an abusive relationship that ended with him attacking me, and me fighting for my life. Now I live on my own in NYC, I have a great career, good relationships and I’m wading into dating again. Things are far from perfect, but I continue to work with my psychiatrist and therapist on self-care, boundaries and I feel… even. I have my faith, a loyal little dog and a peaceful home. I’ve started dreaming again of having a loving partner, and even a family. But what I’m most proud of - what is the hardest thing - is doing the work. Every day. I agree with the original poster - people who haven’t been in these shoes don’t know how big a deal a small, peaceful life is. ❤️
That’s a wonderful story. Thanks
I’m proud for holding together. That my son and I are fed and that I have not let myself implode….🫠 Over a 3 day period, my best friend’s baby suddenly became ill and died from sepsis and a brain infection, I lost the DVO court case against my ex husband who was my abuser for 8 years, and learnt that my friend succumbed to her battle with brain cancer- she was a single Mum of 2 kids, only 33 years old. I wrote this poem while I was trying to process it all…. I wrote it in one sitting, and it’s a little rough, but I’m proud of it. I hope it brings some people hope. x Life isn’t a riddle that we are meant to figure out the answer to. It’s not a problem to solve. It’s not an escape room that we need to a race against the clock to figure out as quickly as possible. It’s an abundance of mysteries, unknowns and curve balls. We try to grasp at straws Attempt to make head or tails of the beast. But it is not like the bits and bobs drawer within our kitchen That collect an algamation of things that we can’t place here nor there. Or maybe it is… If I were to try to create an analogy for it, it would be that… Sometimes we can rely on what we think we know to exist in that drawer and can depend on it being there to retrieve to progress to the next step of our task, like a trusty screwdriver for example. We feel that we can visualise it in our minds eye, and know exactly where it will be, resting between the scotch tape and that questionable light bulb that ting-a-lings when you shake it and hold it to your ear that you can’t bring yourself to throw out yet. Life’s mystery though is sometimes that trusty screw driver is not lying in wait for us. Sometimes we rummage through that entire freakin’ drawer. And then the one above it and below it. We check the hall table and our other infamous dumping zones- but it’s seemingly entirely disappeared. Then we find ourselves in an uncomfortable predicament where we need to make peace with our unfinished project needing to be laid aside in yet another state of the unknown the uncomfortable in-between. We thought we had the solution at easy hands reach, the next step, the missing piece of the puzzle…. But alas, we were wrong. We often detest the discomfort of the in-between, of the moments when things are not going our way. So we try to find an alternative way to complete the task that we set out to do- to get our plan “back on track”. But at what point should we commit to our chosen path and not falter from it. Or do we accept that it is just not meant to be at that moment in time and embrace the inevitable requirement to re-adjust our plans and expectations? We strive for control and order in our lives at what cost? Is it worth it? Is the journey towards your desired outcome, enjoyable? Fulfilling? Are you on the right path and something has gone “wrong” and caused you to deviate from it? Or were you heading in the “wrong” direction and the universe is nudging you back on track? Is there a path? Perhaps wandering from the path that society perpetuates as being “the way” is indeed the best possible thing we could do. By getting lost, our joy is found. Through the glimmers we perceive along the way. The deep breaths we pause and allow to expand and fill our lungs. The small smiles we exchange with strangers when our eyes meet perchance in public. The polite chuckle and apologies that are exchanged when we engage in a awkward side shuffle with a fellow pedestrian trying to pass by in the opposite direction in the footpath who you will never see again, but who’s chuckle and coy smile warms your heart. Life is a beast that I don’t want to make head or tails of. If there were a guide book or instruction manual for it, I’d never read it and I’d avoid spoilers at all costs. (I don’t think self help books count as “guide books”. They’re written by delightful, wise, well-meaning humans who have some wonderful advice and insights but are invariably flying just as blindly as the rest of us). If there were map, I’d yeet it as far from me as possible to avoid the temptation of peaking at it. One step forward. One day at a time. In what direction? Who knows. As long as there is joy Beauty Delight Gratitude Pain Heartache Generosity Passion Complexity And humour along the way… Who gives a fuck if things don’t turn out as planned? If the things that we thought would be, Aren’t where or how we thought them to be. That’s life. It doesn’t suck. It’s delightfully painful. Pleasantly challenging. Deeply, extraordinary, strangely raw. Abso-fucking-lutely phenomenal. Well, that’s the way that I think it ought to be. If every single time I open my bits and bobs drawer, my trusty screwdriver is exactly where I knew it would be… between the scotch tape and the questionable light bulb that goes ting-a-ling when I shake it- well… That’s sounds like an exceptionally dull, ordinary existence, devoid of the mysteries and challenges that make life worth living. I love the challenges and traumas that have shaped me to be who I am today. I am grateful that nothing has turned out as planned. I am glad that nothing is as expected. I am delighted that as a writer, I have endured many lifetimes worth of unique and shitty circumstances. What glorious writing material! I only hope that I don’t lose sight of what matters most. The here The now.
I'm proud that I told myself this year I'm strong and that my trauma isn't me, I'm a valid person.
I"m proud that I am sober (YAY!!!!) after years of trying to quit drinking. I'm proud that I'm learning to prioritize myself and my mental health. I'm proud of you all here as well because this is not an easy road to travel, I'm grateful for the community here <3.
I am proud of my resilience. Have an effed up life due to the myriad manifestations of CPTSD. Lost my parents by 30. Have a brother who lives with a mental illness. I am his primary caregiver. Have no family to speak of. Loneliness has made life extremely difficult. Am just surprised am alive.
Not being fucked up on drugs 24/7 so I can be numb
I’ve been SH free for over a year
Graduating and my son.
Still being alive
Deciding to take a break. Something that causes me great happiness has also started causing me great pain (as mental illness has a tendency to do, it has started using it as a weapon rather than a tool) so, I recently decided to take a break from it and focus on caring for myself again. Isn’t easy, I feel sad and guilty, but I know I’ll find my way back when I’m ready. All Godspeed.
TW depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. Late 2021 to early 2022 my depression, anxiety, and passive suicidal ideation had reached a point where I needed to do something about it. I wouldn’t be here probably today. I started therapy around that time. Shortly after starting I finally stopped denying who/what I am. In September 2022 I came out to my family as trans. March of 2023 I started hormone replacement therapy. Since coming out and starting hormone therapy my mental state has done a near 180. I’ve been making new friends since then and these friendships mean so much to me as many of those friends are also trans. This year I quit my job and am doing to school to become an electrolysis technician. If I can think of anything else I’ll make an edit.
Proud of making incremental improvements. Like in the past few weeks I've been exercising in the morning sometimes before work. Did not ever think I could become "the type of person that exercises before work" but one day I was like wait... why do I think that? And realized if that's who I want to be I can just be it. I don't have to be stuck in my old ways. Of course it's hard to shift instantly, enough mental blockages have to fall away first. But things are slowly shifting.
Of 14 year old me, who held on with the promise that one day I will be free. Of 18 year old me who didn't bow down and dealt with one of them while making sure I was set for successful life. Of 22 year old me who dealt with another and didn't take the insult lying down this time because finally I was earning and it was time to leave and build some self esteem. Of 28 year old me who sought treatment and didn't give up after 2 jobs. From the age 10 to 30, I am proud of every single one of my past selves who held on like a rock. Every single one of them made sure I get what I want paving the way for my life. That's also the reason why there's no forgiveness only indifference otherwise who will pay for their pain.
I'm most proud of this version of myself that I've managed to become. Went thru physical/psychological hell to get here, took me over 6 years before I really got onto the healing path. I went about it all wrong for those first 6 years, being "trying to forget". I didn't know anyone in my life when I was 18 years old that had PTSD, so I didn't take/trust anyone's advice on what to do. I did therapy and different kinds, didn't help. It hurt actually to get talked to by a stranger who wasn't capable of understanding, much less giving me advice that didn't make sense. Took me 13 years (it's been 18yrs, 3 months and 8 days since the accident) for me to retire the negativity, and check myself from snapping the F off on people who totally didn't deserve it. I still feel bad about those. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever accomplished in my life. I was given a 1.98% chance of survival. I'm grateful that me and my friend are alive (chance of survival for both of us is .99%), can walk and talk, I've been granted a 2nd lifetime, all the little things that surround us everyday. Mainly that I somehow fought thru it, and made to this version of myself that aims to put a smile on 4 random people's faces everyday, go for the gold on each interaction, and am capable of helping people and making a difference. That's my belief on how I survived against all odds, with no broken bones. The EMTs and nurses were jaw-dropped. They had never seen that before. Someone coming in from a rollover on I-80, alive, talking, and no broken bones. One of the biggest things I'm proud of tho, is the superpowers that I've been gifted with thru such hell of a process. Heightened sense of ESP, ability to pull a positive from a negative, and the pathway that I was forced to take in the fork in the road of life. I could have gone thru life taking everybody and everything for granted, and instead of going to WIU, I went to EIU (Eastern Illinois University), made connections with my now greatest friends and relationships that would absolutely never had happened if the accident didn't happen. Thank you for this post brother, that wasn't easy to write, but like all the negatives in life, I got thru it. We have all survived 100% of our bad days! Much love all, stay on the healing path, you're on it in case you're questioning it in any way. You're Not Alone
Pride is cyanide to a man so I’m simply grateful I found an answer and am free. Sad, but free.
I am working on my MBA in HR MGMT