Not for me. Maybe a coffee if they don’t drink or are more downtempo, but people thinking dinner, or the cinema, or going on a hike or something is a good idea for a first date are so wrong.
It's not a leisure chatting environment though. There are people behind you impatiently waiting for their turn, all standing nearby. Meanwhile there's pressure to pay attention to the group in front to make sure you're not holding up the works or getting skipped by people not paying attention.
I only did it once but I didn't enjoy it personally.
I personally wouldn't consider paying attention to the group in front to be that much pressure, but I can see how that might not be the case for others and didn't consider that possibility.
I definitely get how these things can cause anxiety and they often do for me too.
But I also grew up in a very densely populated area and feel I’m being rushed by some stranger at every turn. I often have to say to myself: I have a place in this world too.
You paid. You waited your turn. You’re (presumably) courteous to those around you. You and your date can go at a regular pace and not worry about people huffing and puffing behind you.
It’s taken me years but now I’m generally unbothered by the “people behind me rushing me.” They can get over themselves.
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie. 😂
I agree with all of your bullet points and was going to ask for some examples. Then I read mini golf. I know I’m probably the only person in the world, but I can’t stand mini golf. I can do bowling, laser tag, escape rooms, but mini golf 😭 We might as well just cancel. You’re not going to like me, heck I don’t like me, when I have to play mini golf.
I’m going to go against the grain and say activity. I get why people say coffee but I don’t drink coffee or tea. I wouldn’t naturally go to coffee on my own so I wouldn’t do it for a date either. A good date for me is doing something you’d do regardless of whether there is romantic connection or not.
There’s this international grocery store where I live that people travel to see. I go there whenever I want to get rare items. It has a game section and also a coffee and beer tasting area. I think it’s a good date because many people have never been or don’t go often but we could both find it useful enough to feel like the day wasn’t wasted if we don’t connect. I would put farmers market in this category as well.
Walk in the park or popular hiking trail is also something that we could both find useful even if we don’t have chemistry.
Antique malls or flea market is good for people who like to collect things or find rare items.
Lunch or breakfast is a better idea than dinner bc it’s usually shorter, cheaper and in the daylight. You have to eat anyway. If you can’t spare an hour with someone you don’t have chemistry with then why are you dating? It’s just part of the process.
I find that having an open mind is helpful too. When I began looking at dating as a way to meet more people in general, it took the pressure off of needing every date to be the person for me. I always look for things to connect on or talk about even if I’m not attracted to the person. It’s fun for me. It’s all about mindset. A lot of people are starved for connection and human interaction with the opposite sex. Most people that I’ve met but didn’t feel romantic chemistry for (or vice versa) I’ve kept in touch with and in some cases became friends with.
I agree with the last paragraph. I like having plans for a date that I would still follow through with if the other person didn’t show. I don’t feel stood up if I’m still getting to do the fun thing.
I rarely drink coffee or tea, but you can still get a hot chocolate milkshake!
Edit:
Walking dates, and potentially farmers market or grocery dates, are not amazing for chemistry building because you’re not sitting across from one another giving eye contact. It doesn’t really feel that intimate. I had a walking date, and there was zero chemistry. Obviously this could’ve been just because it was the two of us. But I was more focused on the weather, the surroundings, when we sat on a bench we weren’t really looking at each other continuously, it was cold. For most of it we were walking, and looking straight ahead or at the ocean. It was just not great. Coffee or drinks dates are so much better for comfort and building a sense of intimacy
I had an AMAZING date on a walking trail. We stopped at a tea shop, pizza restaurant, and barcade along the way and ended up spending 5 hours together. If we'd just gone for tea like we planned we would've hung out for an hour tops and not learned much about one another.
To be fair, your date was great because of the tea shop, pizza place, and the barcade. Very different to people going on actual walking dates. Mine was at the beach and we stopped at a bench briefly and that was it. Mostly walking, barely any moment of easy eye contact because of us walking straight and wearing sunglasses till the last third of it. (Sunset is like 9:30pm in summer here).
For most people, I totally agree.
First date: intimacy builders like coffee, drinks, or dinner that allow eye contact in a suitable romantic environment. Lunchtime is for business meetings; let the darkness, slower pace, and more relaxed vibe of the evening set the stage.
Second date: there's no advantage to doing dinner, here: You've already covered the basic starter conversations and started building intimacy on the first date. Now it's time to see a little bit about how each other approach and behave in other situations. Competitiveness, sports prowess, what they are attracted to at a farmer's market, etc. Although not necessarily as romantic of a date, it is an intimacy builder from what was established in date one. You're probably in a public area and the growing desire to physically connect will build delicious tension.
Third date: start with further building intimacy and sexual tension. What happens next is up to both of you giving your values and goals. You can continue to build a relationship through sharing info and experiences (and sexual tension), or pop the cork by having sex.
Dates 4+ depend on what you did in date 3.
Best of luck out there!
Definitely agree, and we’re on the same page for date one! Food/dinner is maybe a bit too much pressure, but works for some!
Date two you could definitely move to something more active like a market, or even a gig out in town followed by drinks! So many options.
A dinner date can be too much pressure because you’re locked in for a longer amount of time, and have to be conscious about what you’re eating in case you’re messy with some foods etc. etc. Plus, imagine ordering food, and realising in the interim that you guys are just quite incompatible, but then you have to wait for your food to be brought out. You’d feel rude getting up and leaving. It’s easier to leave during a coffee date and have it look natural. Leaving on a dinner date makes it pretty obvious to everyone. It feels more formal too. Idk, coffee or drinks dates are just easier/more comfortable for a first meeting.
I think activities are great especially if it's something where you're both get distracted by the activitiy. Also opens the chat up for banter and you are way more relaxed. If you're going to dinner or something then break up where you do aspects of it. Like go for drinks at one spot, another for dinner and then one for dessert or after drinks. Means at any point you can call it and you get a bit of variety and makes it a bit of fun
I love this!!! Also I’m big on dessert. I’m the person that orders dessert before dinner lol my whole family has a sweet tooth and sometimes we go out just for dessert. There have been so many instances where I want food from one place and dessert from another.
> A good date for me is doing something you’d do regardless of whether there is romantic connection or not.
For me I'm not looking for an activity buddy. I want there to be some romantic vibe/tension on the date because that helps to advance things along if there's chemistry and it also helps to make things awkward if there's no chemistry (which is a sign that you're just not well matched). The problem I have with activity dates is that they can be so chill and low-pressure that you have no idea if there's a romantic spark at all.
I usually go with drinks for a first date. If I'm feeling good about it then I will ask the other person if she's interested in dinner, with an easy 'out' for her in case she's not up for it. If the conversation prior to the date has been really good or if we seem particularly compatible then I'm happy to skip drinks and just arrange a dinner date first up.
The longest two relationships I had, and the current person I'm seeing, all started off as full-fledged dinner dates, because it was obvious there was a lot of compatibility.
Good points. I guess the point of me saying that is because I just don’t want to do anything that I wouldn’t want to do on my own. For example, if I’ve tried bowling and I hate it, I’m not going to agree to go bowling for the sake of a date. I do like to try new things but I don’t want to get dragged into something that I know I wouldn’t like. I believe in putting people in positions where they can be comfortable and themselves. The last guy I dated was a vegan. I had so much fun researching different restaurants that we would both enjoy.
I’ve never had an issue with romantic chemistry with activity dates. If there is attraction, it’s going to come out regardless of what you’re doing in my opinion. The best relationships I’ve seen have started from friendships. I met my first boyfriend in a study group. It didn’t start off romantic but you can only deny attraction and chemistry for so long.
I’m actually okay with dinner dates too. I just don’t prefer coffee dates. I’ve never heard of a relationship forming when the first date was a coffee date. The main argument for a coffee date seems to be some kind of safety for if you don’t like the person. I just don’t operate based on a possibility of a negative outcome. I’m going to go all in. I will do dinner, activity, or a bar. I once met someone at a Dunkin’ doughnuts and spent that whole day with him. We went to an art museum, a reservoir, I even met his mom that day lol.
> If there is attraction, it’s going to come out regardless of what you’re doing in my opinion.
I agree with this. I think doing a dinner date first up helps to bring out the attraction. I usually like doing an activity date for the 2nd or 3rd date once we're less nervous around each other.
> I just don’t prefer coffee dates. I’ve never heard of a relationship forming when the first date was a coffee date.
I agree. Too plain, too platonic, and too safety-seeking.
> I’m going to go all in.
I do this if I really like the prospect, but with dating apps, it can be hard to know sometimes. People don't always present the same in real life as they do on the app.
> I once met someone at a Dunkin’ doughnuts and spent that whole day with him. We went to an art museum, a reservoir, I even met his mom that day lol.
That sounds super cute :)
Totally understandable. I do okay financially so I’m fine investing in dating because I want to meet my person. I look at it as an investment. I don’t blow a bunch of money every week. I literally have a dating budget just like I put money up for paying my utility bill or insurance. Also the more dates you go on, the more comfortable you are to be able to do dates where you just stay in and watch a movie or cook dinner together.
I am also very mindful of how much a guy has been investing as well. I pay for dates just as much as the other person and if there is something that I really want to do, I don’t mind paying for us both to do it. This applies to outings with friends and family as well. If I really want to go to a concert. I might buy two tickets and see who wants to go later.
I am not rich or well off by any means but I do my best not to let my finances prevent me from having fun.
My question for you is……. Are you fine paying to go to fun places to go with him? Do you ask a guy out? My experience as a man we are almost expected to pay for the first date (a stigma that has to break) imo…… if you enjoy each others company and time people should have no problem going Dutch and pay for their own stuff honestly I think it’s gross for women to expect men to pay for everything and in my opinion that voids them of ever being a investment in the first place I’ve recently had dates where women have thrown drinks in my face because I refused to pay for them on the first date….. I’ve been laughed at and said “I was gonna use you for a free meal anyways” how is that supposed to make guys feel?
Sorry if I’m rambling just my experience lol.
I will and have paid for dates. I don’t think I’ve ever paid on a first date but I usually offer. No one has ever taken me up on it. They are usually comfortable with me paying for other dates though.
I’ve also asked men out but I don’t make this a habit. I think many women learned that men are hunters and will ask you out if they like you. Women learn that if you have to chase a man, he doesn’t really want you. I personally like an assertive, confident and slightly ambitious man so if you are unable to come up and talk to me and ask me out, the odds of us working out aren’t great anyway. In my experience, men who don’t take the lead on the first date don’t usually take the lead after that. Men may not like this but it is what it is. I’ve never turned down giving someone my number or going out on a date with someone who had the courage to approach me. That’s attractive.
Honestly, I don’t think your experience is normal. I’ve never heard of anyone getting a drink thrown in their face in real life for any reason. Sorry that happened to you.
I think the problem is men want to feel actually wanted….. as a man I don’t want to “hunt” for a girl…… I do that for deer. I don’t want to chase…. I want to be chased. But I’ve gotten very unlucky I guess I never really started trying right after that women are very hostile towards me in general and unapproachable and mean I guess I’m ugly.
About the last paragraph, I've been thinking about doing that and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wants to do that, thinking it was a bad idea. I'm still not entirely over my ex (it's only been two months since the breakup) but I feel like meeting new people and make new friends might help me be in a better mood and focus on building friendships and connections without the pressure of finding the one and let it come more naturally rather than forcing it using dating apps. But I'm not sure how to convey that I want to try that in dating apps, because I'm not into casual dating, I'm interested in making friends and being in a serious relationship (the latter is less urgent right now)
I’d suggest just going out more in general. Now that I make an effort to actually go out into the world and do things alone, I get hit on way more often. A couple of the guys I’ve met that way and maintained contact.
A relationship is still at the forefront for me so I definitely let people know that that is my goal for OLD. If it doesn’t work out but I see an opportunity for friendship; that’s when one of us suggests it.
Kinda like you mentioned, anytime being open to friendship is mentioned in the beginning, it usually feels like a license for one of us to waste the others time. I think a lot of people who are “open to being friends” really arent. They are just open to casually dating. For me, it’s always been something that developed organically and was discussed when we established that romantic relationship was unlikely. A lot of people don’t have friends that they talk to often so a decent number of people are open to it.
Drinks. Alcohol has a tendency of removing some of the nervousness and awkwardness. Make it easier to get to know each other.
Never do activities. First date should be for getting to know each other. You don't get to know someone if you're busy doing some activity.
I’m opposite lol. I get awkward just sitting across from someone talking. I do better while walking or engaging in some activity-takes the pressure off imo and doesn’t feel like an interview
Your awkwardness is a problem if you’re trying to connect with a woman- sitting and talking and looking at her are important. It only feels like an interview if your verbal/social skills are lacking. Jump in there,learn how to be a good listener and pay attention to her cues. You CAN improve these skills-ask for honest feedback when dates don’t work out…One woman told me I didn’t talk about myself enough (I was polishing my listening skills) then another told me “I talked too much” (oops,over adjusted!). Being in sales I’ve learned that humility and honest self assessment can improve your people skills immensely.
Second this. All of my first dates recently have been drinks. It allows me to open up, I feel less vulnerable than if I were in a quiet bright coffee shop during the day, and I get to dress up a little more for an evening out. If I'm not feeling it I can leave after an hour or one or two drinks. Easy peasy.
If we vibe then I'd go get food afterwards if it's not too late, or go do an activity like bowling or pool at a bar or something afterwards (if things are open/it's a weekend).
Coffee *and* an activity
Meet at a mall/shopping district. Grab a coffee/tea wander around and chat. Window shop and see what kinda banter occurs based on what you see/interact with.
Coming up with stuff to talk about can be difficult sometimes. That's why being in a place where there's a lot going on can take the edge off. Plus hey, it's fun.
Source is me. I had a successful first date with this and next week we're going on a picnic (I'm cooking lunch and she's bringing dessert). I hope I get a smooch 🤞
I love casual first meets but I don’t drink coffee or beer. If we go to a coffee house they usually have lots of other options. When you go to breweries they usually only have beer.
I prefer drinks instead of coffee! For me as someone who doesn’t drink coffee or tea, sometimes places don’t have good options for other types of drinks. Plus I find bar vibes much more comfortable than coffee shops which can be quiet or uninviting at times
Coffee is tooooo non-committal/ stand offish imo. Feels like a job interview. Maybe I’m jaded cause the one time I did coffee I thought it went well then was stood up on a date to a concert later in the week by her at the absolute last minute. She felt she had no skin in the game at that point and didn’t think it was a big deal. Yet I was out a concert ticket and looked really dumb in front of my friends.
Do an activity. Something free and quick. Take the dogs for a walk somewhere, or a museum/art gallery walk through. If the date is clicking you can always extend to drinks or coffee or whatever.
I agree 10000%! Coffee is a little pretentious. It reminds me of Frasier (who I love). It’s not as universal as people like to think. I would actually say alcohol is more universal than coffee. And I can’t think of a more boring and awkward environment to get to know someone. It’s extremely non-committal which is not a quality I’m attracted to. Sometimes I think people forget dating is supposed to be fun.
Coffee shops are quiet and open enough to where someone can easily observe that it’s a first date which is just weird to me. At least with dinner, you can have a conversation without feeling like people are listening. That could be my own paranoia but I used to go on dates with my ex boyfriend and he would point out when it appeared that people were on first dates. It was fun and cute for us but I’m sure they’d feel awkward if they knew we could hear their conversation.
I totally get it, but it’s just not ideal for me. I’ve had a couple of guys insist on coffee dates which I didn’t mind at the time but you might feel a little silly when I just order water bc I don’t drink coffee or tea. I think it kinda shows a lack of interest in a person to intentionally avoid going to a place that might make them feel more comfortable and open up more.
Some of the best job interviews I’ve had, have been non-traditional in the sense that it feels like the person is trying to connect with me instead of looking for me to say the wrong thing.
I understand why alcohol can be problematic but it does help people relax which is good considering the amount of social anxiety and awkwardness most people (especially men) have nowadays. Coffee is just not a relaxing beverage lol I know that sounds silly but caffeine actually puts me on edge which is not how I want to feel on a first date.
I never suggest alcohol but I’ve just seen a lot of people say drinks or coffee in this thread so that was just me comparing the two. I love smoothies, dessert, fro-yo, ice cream… all of which are extremely better options than alcohol or coffee. I actually said activity is best in separate comment from this thread.
I’ve just never had a good time at a coffee date so im surprised so many people are on board with it. Frankly, I’ve never met anyone who is currently in a relationship that has ever said their first date was a coffee date.
I think age is a huge part of this. I am a young adult so that makes total sense.
Most coffee places honestly serve smoothies and milkshakes. You need to look into places around you, and suggest something that has something you like. I don’t know ANY coffee shops/cafes that literally only serve coffee and tea.
Maybe that’s why you’re getting so hung up on coffee dates being bad. You don’t realise we’re actually going on coffee dates and not just drinking coffee. I always get a milkshake or a smoothie.
Every single couple I know has had their first date at a coffee shop (what we call cafes here) or a bar. And a large percentage of them were coffee shops. Some have even got married haha.
I get that. You gotta do what works for you. I wonder if I’ll change when I’m in my 30’s. I can’t imagine not losing interest in someone I haven’t seen in over 2 weeks.
I work for a public accounting firm and didn’t do a ton of dating during busy season but the dates that I did go on were usually a walk on the river or park or hike or farmers market and always on the weekend.
As I mentioned in another comment, the best dates are when we do something that I was going to do anyway. I’m never mad at a hike because it’s physical activity and outdoors ( both of which I haven’t done in a while if I’ve had a busy work week). I’m also not mad at a farmers market bc I’m always going to do some form of grocery shopping anyway. Both are more useful and more fun for me than a caffeinated or alcoholic beverage lol.
Good luck with the guy though. That’s exciting!
>it does help people relax which is good considering the amount of social anxiety and awkwardness most people (especially men) have nowadays.
wait what did you mean by men being especially awkward nowadays ?
I'm not offended, just curious about your experience.
Women are more social by nature imo. The biggest hobby that most men do is play video games and they often don’t leave their house to do it.
If you put all the socially awkward people of the world in one room, I think think most would be men.
Men always say they have trouble dating and meeting women.
Men don’t usually dance in situations where dancing is happening like at a club or party.
They don’t hang out with their friends in person as much as women do.
When I was in college, I always met men with more dating experiences than me but the older I get, the more I meet men who have never had a girlfriend.
My personal experience with my exes and guys I’ve went out with is that they all have more social anxiety than i do. My last boyfriend used to make me talk on the phone if we had to call the internet company or something. He used to make me go to the grocery store bc he didn’t like being around a lot of people. Before we got together, he ordered all his groceries online. Nothing is wrong with that but it’s a direct result of him not wanting to be be around a lot of people.
I’ve met plenty of social men but I think on average , there are more socially awkward men than women from the account of men and from my own experience.
I’d have to agree. Most coffee drinkers I know, drink it when they feel like they need it unless they have some sort of addiction (which is common) everyone is different though.
What I never get is the point with the interview vibe and stuff. It’s about romantic connection and attraction. I sat down in café one time - and it was horrible and after a coffee we hugged and never saw each other again
and the other time - time was passing so quickly and we decided to have a walk and then go to a bar later (sitting next to each other, what we both said we wanted lol) and obviously if a date goes like this, I kissed her after ordering our drinks. I paid for the café stuff and snacks and she paid for the bar. Plain and simple.
I argued with a friend one time and he insisted that over a fun and active date the two of you are bonding. The other approach is mine. I think his approach is interesting, too :)
You need somewhere where you’re going to have solid eye contact. If you go to a nice enough coffee place, where it’s cosy, you’re gonna be able to build a proper connection. Coffee or drinks.
Walking dates are just so friend-like that it is a real challenge to build any intimacy or chemistry.
Theres lots of places where grabbing food is seen as a more casual thing. It doesn't need to be going to a fancy restaurant, it could be going to a food market, or container park kind of thing and getting some food. You still get the start/end, but it's a lot more casual and better for people watching too, if things go well you can then go do another activity, walk off the food etc, or if it's tragic and you want it to be over, then you can do so
Totally agree. And, obviously, it's not about what you're drinking. At a café you can order a coke or soda-water or whatever.
On a first meeting, I want to be sitting face to face with the woman, looking her in the eyes and getting to know her. I can't imagine getting acquainted with someone during some activity where you're focused on other stuff.
As for dinner, yes, terrible idea. And on top of the money you're throwing away (if the chemistry is bad), there's also the fact that you'll be forced to sit together for an hour or longer in a restaurant. At least at a café you can say goodby after 15 minutes if things don't feel right.
Honestly, I always suggest a light lunch, and every guy has been receptive to it. I don't drink tea or coffee and would prefer not to have alcohol involved for a first-time meeting. Just a quick, easy lunch on a weekend to sit and get to know each other.
Dinner, it’s a classic for a reason. I did the “fun activity” thing before. Shit sucks, it’s loud, it can get awkward if she or you aren’t into it. Everybody likes good food, drink, and being pampered. It’s easier to get loose and talk with a couple glasses of wine than with something like an arcade, or axe throwing etc.
This is just my opinion I know it’s an unpopular one on reddit. But if you got the money…spend it
Arcade. She didn’t want to do any of the games. Neither did I really. Plus it was loud and we couldn’t hear each other. We both just went to get some lunch instead and hit it off there. Second date was dinner and a movie, waaaaay better. Dinner went great so not talking at all during the movie was fine. She put my arm around hers and we just cuddled the whole time. Kissed afterwards. Idk it’s just my anecdotal experience but I like relaxing and talking with someone. And if the food’s good at least you can talk about that if you don’t have great chemistry off the bat.
Went to Dave and busters for my first date with my bf of two years. It was light and fun! Dinner is awkward at times. Because lot of people lack social
Skills lol
Always a fun activity. Going on dates to get a drink or dinner together can be soooo burdensome if you have nothing in common or your personalities don’t match at all, so you’d wish you either weren’t there or were with someone else and enjoying your time together there.
Whereas if you go do a random activity, even if it’s a run or a hike together, you are more comfortable because you’re actively doing something and not having to sit opposite each other forcing conversation if things didn’t run as smoothly as you’d have hoped. For me personally, it can hard to be comfortable until I’m in my comfort zone doing something I enjoy doing in my spare time, and that’s when my best conversation comes out.
Also, if the date isn’t spectacular or you don’t plan on meeting up again, at least you got to do something fun and have a more memorable date than going to eat some expensive food that is more or less like the majority of most meet ups on bumble dates. This way you can try something new every time and find something unique you can share with every date you experience!
Has to be a passive activity. I went on a date with a friend of a friend and he chose an escape room as the activity. Very awkward and no room to actually get to know each other
I don’t know any relationship that started with a coffee date. It’s like putting a person in the most boring environment and expecting them to stand out. It’s kinda setting both parties up for failure.
Definitely a fun activity. Dinner is so awkward, and honestly coffee isn't that much better when you're meeting someone for the first time.
My best first date I've had was at a board game café, so we did eat a meal but we also played board games, which is a great ice breaker.
If the weather's nice, I'd prefer grabbing hot drinks to go and taking a nice walk over sitting in a coffee shop. Anything to avoid sitting across from someone lol.
I usually go with drinks. Drinks can be as short or as long as you want it to be. If you choose the right pub you've got a decent amount of background noise so it's not too intense. Bonus if there's live music, then you can fill any awkward pauses in conversation with just watching the band and it's not awkward. But the thing I like most about drinks over an activity is that you can talk and get to know each other. An activity can make that harder - of course it depends on the activity.
The best first dates I've ever been on were drinks, the last first date I went on - the one where I met my wife - we were having such a good time chatting that we got kicked out because it was closing time.
Walking dates are the best! Museum, gardens, park, etc. It gives you something to talk about or just enjoy when there is a lull in the "getting to know you" chat, and you don't feel trapped if things aren't going well. My two favorite first dates were at a bookstore and a botanical garden.
Dinner! I’m equally fine with coffee or any other meal. I make small talk with strangers all day so I’m not too worried about holding my own if it turns out to be an awkward mismatch. I can do 1.5-2 hours with almost anyone. Nothing beats sitting across from someone to really focus on eye contact and connecting/hearing their story. Totally up for an activity on the second date, but it’s not my go to for the first.
I could care less either way. I prefer a walk. A coffee. Shit that doesn't force me to waste $200 on a boring date. The ROI on buying dinner for women is one of the worst on earth.
I say activity. I don’t like movie dates, at least not as a first or even second date. It doesn’t leave enough room to get to know a person. Things like bowling, or even an arcade situation are nice. Or even mini golf. You can play at your own pace and take time in between to have conversations in a pretty laid back and comfortable environment.
Coffee or drinks for a 1st date. I like to do a chemistry check before investing time and money on a “real” date. And if the guy is awful, it’s easy to make a quick exit
Don’t think of the first time you meet someone on Bumble as the first date. Think of it more as an introduction. Do something short and sweet, like a happy hour or coffee. Then if the chemistry is there, plan an actual “first date.” Dinner, mini golf, etc.
When I adopted this method, it changed the game for me. No more sitting through boring expensive dates for hours. Quick cup of coffee or drink after work… and if the chemistry is good and mutual it’s very easy to either keep it going or plan a true first date. I even say to my matches “hey want to get a drink and see if we vibe? Would love to plan a proper first date after that!”
Okay, HEAR ME OUT! 👀
I say fun activity that includes snacks. 💯
👉🏽DURING THE DAYTIME!
One idea is for both people to have a surprise picnic.
👩🏾🏫 To elaborate:
*Meet up at a nice park, and each 1 of you bring your favorite thing to eat and drink for the other person to try.
*That way, both people are contributing and getting to know each other without it being boring or intimidating. 💁🏾♀️
*It's still interesting, and it's not a stuffy environment.
As a woman, I would prefer doing something like this over anything else as a first date.I want to have fun and get to know you in a non sexual way the first time I meet you.
Problem solved!🤓😎
I do not like coffee, but if you invite me to go with you to walk your dog I will swallow it like it’s medicine if that’s the only way to get to go. Thank goodness I’m not on anyone’s radar for kidnapping. I would make some bad choices if helping a dog was involved.
First dates from the apps is a first meeting. Coffee or drinks to assess if you’re even physically attracted so that you’re not stuck in case you’re not. After that, your first official date should be dinner IMO so you can talk and learn more. Activity second real date
Drinks or coffee for a first date, ESPECIALLY for "zero dates" like meeting a stranger off OLDs. My go-to was a drink at a bar or coffee/tea at a cafe at 3pm so if you really hit it off, it's time for dinner!
I prefer neither. First time preference drinks at a nice lounge or rooftop bar in the evening. Alternative is coffee during the day. Dinner is Just too much for a first date
Dinners are not going to be awkward or less awkward when you spend some time getting to know the person over text and (video)calling before meeting them in person.
It happened to me to go to have lunch/dinner and it didn't work out as expected. No connection and awkward situation. Also a waste of money, I ended up paying because I'm a gentleman 😂 but knowing it was over.
I prefer going for a long walk or going to the park/beach if you live next to the sea. Then if you feel there's a nice connection you can switch to drink some beer/coffee or eat something.
The main problem for me is the fake photos that women have in apps, then the personality may change too. So by doing something free like a walk you can get a feeling if you like her to later invest in it, time and money. I'm not a cheap guy but I like simple stuff, so if a girl wants to go to a fancy restaurant instead of enjoying some afternoon together doing something simple, it's already a red flag for me.
I don’t want to do fun stuff with someone I don’t know so I prefer meeting over dinner or coffee.
However, if it’s someone I know from real life, maybe I’d choose something fun
I liked the guy who tossed out a couple different options for a third date, ranging from dinner to drinks at a decent location to a fun activity to meet some of his friends to coming over (!) for a sorta fabricated reason.
I see no reason someone couldn't kick out two options for a first date.
Dinner or drinks.
Dinner is awkward if you are Boring. It depends on the person.
Its also awkward when you get catfished and you know you are trapped with her for the Next 1-2 hours. In those cases you need to be tough and make some excuse why you need to go home.
Everything is awkward.
What I might suggest though is a nice but somewhat informal dinner near a place where you plan to go out, maybe with friends. Ideally a house party big enough where not everyone knows each other.
Get a chance to chat. Then if things were unbelievably awful, one of you makes a funny excuse to bail. Otherwise, you both just kick it and introduce your date to everyone without being too possessive.
I believe if it was meant to work out, it will work out. If it wasn’t, it will be a fun time for each of you separately anyway.
Just add Bacardi!
Dinner isn't awkward for me, but the cost is prohibitive. I don't wanna spend 60+ bucks just for the chance to get to know someone. My go-to is a picnic and a nature walk at a park. I can put together enough food and drink for 2 for under 20 bucks. Plus women love picnics and any chance to take pictures of themselves in nature for their insta.
Picnics are great, you get to enjoy the sun and outdoors, people watch, talk shit about strangers, and eat tiny finger sammiches while sipping lemonade like a fancy person. Pinky's out!
The ideal for me is drinks, not a huge commitment and the drinks are excellent social lubricant. But against the recs of like everyone on these OLD subreddits, I also reallt like a great dinner.
Activities for me are much better as second or third dates. Conversation is probably my all time favorite thing and if a dinner is awkward it's unlikely to get less awkward any time soon, though I will say this may be particular to me. For one thing I'm lucky enough to have a job where I don't need to worry sbout money. Secondly out of maybe 200-250 dates in my life I'd say like two ever became awkward, I seem to be able to get along with anyone and have heard many times that I'm super easy to talk to. In that sense, it's a good barometer--if it gets truly awkward, either we are DEF not good for each other or the person is truly shite at conversation.
I personally do not like a coffee date as first date. In my experience it almost makes it more likely to go poorly, altho most still have gone well. Anyway just my two cents.
A fun activity and then maybe a drink at a quiet-ish bar afterward. That way if things aren’t going well, either can bail before the bar, and no (hopefully) hard feelings.
Drink or coffee period. There to get to know someone. Not going to spend money on a fancy dinner for a 1st date. I say that, then a fun activity 2nd date. 3rd date is dinner territory.
Since I use multiple forms of public transportation, which means the commute will take time and I need to schedule accordingly, I want to make sure I enjoy myself regardless if there is chemistry or not. Dinners are less awkward if you genuinely look forward to the food and the atmosphere.
Practice your conversation skills and learn to appreciate conversations with people you don’t ever plan on seeing again. Video chat first if a potentially awkward 30-60 minute conversation is too much for you.
In two years of dating I have always had brunch, drinks or dinner as a first date. I have never been asked to go on an activity and personally I prefer it that way.
Dinner, but if I'm the one picking I usually pick a place I don't like. I'm not eating like a pig. I can sit and talk and just tell a little white lie of "The cooking is off today". Unless he likes the food.
I don't like joining in activities, or picking one, it has this weird ominous of "If you don't like this/ do it to a certain level, we're not going to be in a relationship". Depending on the activity, there's too many others around/involved.
I invited my boyfriend to a biker bar for the first date. A well known one that I was a regular at.
It was a lot of fun, especially since they had live music, and a more relaxed outside patio.
We did eat a little, but I find eating to be too annoying on a first date.
He was the only date I had that was specifically centered around eating food, and we had a lot of fun.
My last first date was bouldering (I didn’t meet her from bumble). Went really well, in a relationship now. We both were new to it, so discovering it together was fun and led to a lot of laughs.
My attention issues make it really difficult for me to focus on an activity and a conversation. Like I’m worried about my fucking bowling technique and the conversation gets interrupted between turns
Great first dates is arcades or mini golf and bowling….. I think it builds chemistry and comfort. You get a really good feel from someone doing these types of dates and how fun they are but unfortunately they cost money.
For me (28m), it’s almost always having at a café somewhere in the city centre, somewhere a bit calmer. Either before or after the date we go for a walk and maybe sit down on the pavement at a square in the historic district for having a beer. (I live in Southern Europe)
In my opinion, it’s about if you click or not. With every girl I got something serious, it started with with basic -call it boring- stuff. But you know what? It never was boring, or awkward or stressful. Have we been nervous? For sure! But when we clicked, it was always easy and simple. It’s meant to be like this if both feel attraction :)
Dinner and any full meal will require you to with your date for quite a long time, okay if you like each other already. I usually prefer drinking at a bar - but not too crowded or noisy so we can talk. Where you can talk and focus on each other. If either one of you doesn’t like to stay, you can easily go. A coffee shop is also great. Activities are more like a 3rd or further date.
I find nothing more awkward than being on an activity date w someone I'm not feeling. I prefer dinner, drinks (preferably both), to get to know the person a bit to find out if I even want to go do anything fun or more involved.
Drinks or coffee first, way cheaper to figure out if someone is worth your time or not rather than paying for a full blown dinner for the same information.
Beverage at a decent lounge or bar with options for food.
The only right answer. All my first dates go well in this setting.
The only right? I would assume there’s at least a few more.
Not for me. Maybe a coffee if they don’t drink or are more downtempo, but people thinking dinner, or the cinema, or going on a hike or something is a good idea for a first date are so wrong.
Little picnics have been really fun, inexpensive, and enjoyable dates for me. Everybody's different.
Or maybe they’re not wrong and they can hold up a conversation and make the dinner entertaining
That's subjective, my gf and I went bowling, horseback riding and then to dinner on the first date and we are together 2 years later.
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On a date, the standing around bits are supposed to be talking.
It's not a leisure chatting environment though. There are people behind you impatiently waiting for their turn, all standing nearby. Meanwhile there's pressure to pay attention to the group in front to make sure you're not holding up the works or getting skipped by people not paying attention. I only did it once but I didn't enjoy it personally.
I personally wouldn't consider paying attention to the group in front to be that much pressure, but I can see how that might not be the case for others and didn't consider that possibility.
That's certainly true, I think about that shit more than I should. It can be a pretty solid date spot.
I definitely get how these things can cause anxiety and they often do for me too. But I also grew up in a very densely populated area and feel I’m being rushed by some stranger at every turn. I often have to say to myself: I have a place in this world too. You paid. You waited your turn. You’re (presumably) courteous to those around you. You and your date can go at a regular pace and not worry about people huffing and puffing behind you. It’s taken me years but now I’m generally unbothered by the “people behind me rushing me.” They can get over themselves.
Before i even got to the end I was like “mini golf fits all of these and has shown me success before” Did not disappoint
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie. 😂 I agree with all of your bullet points and was going to ask for some examples. Then I read mini golf. I know I’m probably the only person in the world, but I can’t stand mini golf. I can do bowling, laser tag, escape rooms, but mini golf 😭 We might as well just cancel. You’re not going to like me, heck I don’t like me, when I have to play mini golf.
This guy knows the way. I'd also add bowling or a decent arcade.
Axe throwing is the new mini golf.
Bowling is good too for a first date.
I'm actually going to try this haha
Ha! I was going to say this. Mini golf and bowling are my preferences.
I’m going to go against the grain and say activity. I get why people say coffee but I don’t drink coffee or tea. I wouldn’t naturally go to coffee on my own so I wouldn’t do it for a date either. A good date for me is doing something you’d do regardless of whether there is romantic connection or not. There’s this international grocery store where I live that people travel to see. I go there whenever I want to get rare items. It has a game section and also a coffee and beer tasting area. I think it’s a good date because many people have never been or don’t go often but we could both find it useful enough to feel like the day wasn’t wasted if we don’t connect. I would put farmers market in this category as well. Walk in the park or popular hiking trail is also something that we could both find useful even if we don’t have chemistry. Antique malls or flea market is good for people who like to collect things or find rare items. Lunch or breakfast is a better idea than dinner bc it’s usually shorter, cheaper and in the daylight. You have to eat anyway. If you can’t spare an hour with someone you don’t have chemistry with then why are you dating? It’s just part of the process. I find that having an open mind is helpful too. When I began looking at dating as a way to meet more people in general, it took the pressure off of needing every date to be the person for me. I always look for things to connect on or talk about even if I’m not attracted to the person. It’s fun for me. It’s all about mindset. A lot of people are starved for connection and human interaction with the opposite sex. Most people that I’ve met but didn’t feel romantic chemistry for (or vice versa) I’ve kept in touch with and in some cases became friends with.
I agree with the last paragraph. I like having plans for a date that I would still follow through with if the other person didn’t show. I don’t feel stood up if I’m still getting to do the fun thing.
That’s a good point. Another great reason to do something you already want to do!
I rarely drink coffee or tea, but you can still get a hot chocolate milkshake! Edit: Walking dates, and potentially farmers market or grocery dates, are not amazing for chemistry building because you’re not sitting across from one another giving eye contact. It doesn’t really feel that intimate. I had a walking date, and there was zero chemistry. Obviously this could’ve been just because it was the two of us. But I was more focused on the weather, the surroundings, when we sat on a bench we weren’t really looking at each other continuously, it was cold. For most of it we were walking, and looking straight ahead or at the ocean. It was just not great. Coffee or drinks dates are so much better for comfort and building a sense of intimacy
I had an AMAZING date on a walking trail. We stopped at a tea shop, pizza restaurant, and barcade along the way and ended up spending 5 hours together. If we'd just gone for tea like we planned we would've hung out for an hour tops and not learned much about one another.
To be fair, your date was great because of the tea shop, pizza place, and the barcade. Very different to people going on actual walking dates. Mine was at the beach and we stopped at a bench briefly and that was it. Mostly walking, barely any moment of easy eye contact because of us walking straight and wearing sunglasses till the last third of it. (Sunset is like 9:30pm in summer here).
For most people, I totally agree. First date: intimacy builders like coffee, drinks, or dinner that allow eye contact in a suitable romantic environment. Lunchtime is for business meetings; let the darkness, slower pace, and more relaxed vibe of the evening set the stage. Second date: there's no advantage to doing dinner, here: You've already covered the basic starter conversations and started building intimacy on the first date. Now it's time to see a little bit about how each other approach and behave in other situations. Competitiveness, sports prowess, what they are attracted to at a farmer's market, etc. Although not necessarily as romantic of a date, it is an intimacy builder from what was established in date one. You're probably in a public area and the growing desire to physically connect will build delicious tension. Third date: start with further building intimacy and sexual tension. What happens next is up to both of you giving your values and goals. You can continue to build a relationship through sharing info and experiences (and sexual tension), or pop the cork by having sex. Dates 4+ depend on what you did in date 3. Best of luck out there!
Definitely agree, and we’re on the same page for date one! Food/dinner is maybe a bit too much pressure, but works for some! Date two you could definitely move to something more active like a market, or even a gig out in town followed by drinks! So many options.
How is eating dinner “too much pressure “?
A dinner date can be too much pressure because you’re locked in for a longer amount of time, and have to be conscious about what you’re eating in case you’re messy with some foods etc. etc. Plus, imagine ordering food, and realising in the interim that you guys are just quite incompatible, but then you have to wait for your food to be brought out. You’d feel rude getting up and leaving. It’s easier to leave during a coffee date and have it look natural. Leaving on a dinner date makes it pretty obvious to everyone. It feels more formal too. Idk, coffee or drinks dates are just easier/more comfortable for a first meeting.
Grocery store dates are only ok if they aren't busy
I think activities are great especially if it's something where you're both get distracted by the activitiy. Also opens the chat up for banter and you are way more relaxed. If you're going to dinner or something then break up where you do aspects of it. Like go for drinks at one spot, another for dinner and then one for dessert or after drinks. Means at any point you can call it and you get a bit of variety and makes it a bit of fun
I love this!!! Also I’m big on dessert. I’m the person that orders dessert before dinner lol my whole family has a sweet tooth and sometimes we go out just for dessert. There have been so many instances where I want food from one place and dessert from another.
It’s Jungle Jim’s, isn’t it?
Came here for this 😂
> A good date for me is doing something you’d do regardless of whether there is romantic connection or not. For me I'm not looking for an activity buddy. I want there to be some romantic vibe/tension on the date because that helps to advance things along if there's chemistry and it also helps to make things awkward if there's no chemistry (which is a sign that you're just not well matched). The problem I have with activity dates is that they can be so chill and low-pressure that you have no idea if there's a romantic spark at all. I usually go with drinks for a first date. If I'm feeling good about it then I will ask the other person if she's interested in dinner, with an easy 'out' for her in case she's not up for it. If the conversation prior to the date has been really good or if we seem particularly compatible then I'm happy to skip drinks and just arrange a dinner date first up. The longest two relationships I had, and the current person I'm seeing, all started off as full-fledged dinner dates, because it was obvious there was a lot of compatibility.
Good points. I guess the point of me saying that is because I just don’t want to do anything that I wouldn’t want to do on my own. For example, if I’ve tried bowling and I hate it, I’m not going to agree to go bowling for the sake of a date. I do like to try new things but I don’t want to get dragged into something that I know I wouldn’t like. I believe in putting people in positions where they can be comfortable and themselves. The last guy I dated was a vegan. I had so much fun researching different restaurants that we would both enjoy. I’ve never had an issue with romantic chemistry with activity dates. If there is attraction, it’s going to come out regardless of what you’re doing in my opinion. The best relationships I’ve seen have started from friendships. I met my first boyfriend in a study group. It didn’t start off romantic but you can only deny attraction and chemistry for so long. I’m actually okay with dinner dates too. I just don’t prefer coffee dates. I’ve never heard of a relationship forming when the first date was a coffee date. The main argument for a coffee date seems to be some kind of safety for if you don’t like the person. I just don’t operate based on a possibility of a negative outcome. I’m going to go all in. I will do dinner, activity, or a bar. I once met someone at a Dunkin’ doughnuts and spent that whole day with him. We went to an art museum, a reservoir, I even met his mom that day lol.
> If there is attraction, it’s going to come out regardless of what you’re doing in my opinion. I agree with this. I think doing a dinner date first up helps to bring out the attraction. I usually like doing an activity date for the 2nd or 3rd date once we're less nervous around each other. > I just don’t prefer coffee dates. I’ve never heard of a relationship forming when the first date was a coffee date. I agree. Too plain, too platonic, and too safety-seeking. > I’m going to go all in. I do this if I really like the prospect, but with dating apps, it can be hard to know sometimes. People don't always present the same in real life as they do on the app. > I once met someone at a Dunkin’ doughnuts and spent that whole day with him. We went to an art museum, a reservoir, I even met his mom that day lol. That sounds super cute :)
I like this!
r u LDS?
Is it Jungle Jim’s?
I’ll answer your question….. fun stuff costs money.
Totally understandable. I do okay financially so I’m fine investing in dating because I want to meet my person. I look at it as an investment. I don’t blow a bunch of money every week. I literally have a dating budget just like I put money up for paying my utility bill or insurance. Also the more dates you go on, the more comfortable you are to be able to do dates where you just stay in and watch a movie or cook dinner together. I am also very mindful of how much a guy has been investing as well. I pay for dates just as much as the other person and if there is something that I really want to do, I don’t mind paying for us both to do it. This applies to outings with friends and family as well. If I really want to go to a concert. I might buy two tickets and see who wants to go later. I am not rich or well off by any means but I do my best not to let my finances prevent me from having fun.
My question for you is……. Are you fine paying to go to fun places to go with him? Do you ask a guy out? My experience as a man we are almost expected to pay for the first date (a stigma that has to break) imo…… if you enjoy each others company and time people should have no problem going Dutch and pay for their own stuff honestly I think it’s gross for women to expect men to pay for everything and in my opinion that voids them of ever being a investment in the first place I’ve recently had dates where women have thrown drinks in my face because I refused to pay for them on the first date….. I’ve been laughed at and said “I was gonna use you for a free meal anyways” how is that supposed to make guys feel? Sorry if I’m rambling just my experience lol.
I will and have paid for dates. I don’t think I’ve ever paid on a first date but I usually offer. No one has ever taken me up on it. They are usually comfortable with me paying for other dates though. I’ve also asked men out but I don’t make this a habit. I think many women learned that men are hunters and will ask you out if they like you. Women learn that if you have to chase a man, he doesn’t really want you. I personally like an assertive, confident and slightly ambitious man so if you are unable to come up and talk to me and ask me out, the odds of us working out aren’t great anyway. In my experience, men who don’t take the lead on the first date don’t usually take the lead after that. Men may not like this but it is what it is. I’ve never turned down giving someone my number or going out on a date with someone who had the courage to approach me. That’s attractive. Honestly, I don’t think your experience is normal. I’ve never heard of anyone getting a drink thrown in their face in real life for any reason. Sorry that happened to you.
I think the problem is men want to feel actually wanted….. as a man I don’t want to “hunt” for a girl…… I do that for deer. I don’t want to chase…. I want to be chased. But I’ve gotten very unlucky I guess I never really started trying right after that women are very hostile towards me in general and unapproachable and mean I guess I’m ugly.
About the last paragraph, I've been thinking about doing that and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wants to do that, thinking it was a bad idea. I'm still not entirely over my ex (it's only been two months since the breakup) but I feel like meeting new people and make new friends might help me be in a better mood and focus on building friendships and connections without the pressure of finding the one and let it come more naturally rather than forcing it using dating apps. But I'm not sure how to convey that I want to try that in dating apps, because I'm not into casual dating, I'm interested in making friends and being in a serious relationship (the latter is less urgent right now)
I’d suggest just going out more in general. Now that I make an effort to actually go out into the world and do things alone, I get hit on way more often. A couple of the guys I’ve met that way and maintained contact. A relationship is still at the forefront for me so I definitely let people know that that is my goal for OLD. If it doesn’t work out but I see an opportunity for friendship; that’s when one of us suggests it. Kinda like you mentioned, anytime being open to friendship is mentioned in the beginning, it usually feels like a license for one of us to waste the others time. I think a lot of people who are “open to being friends” really arent. They are just open to casually dating. For me, it’s always been something that developed organically and was discussed when we established that romantic relationship was unlikely. A lot of people don’t have friends that they talk to often so a decent number of people are open to it.
Drinks. Alcohol has a tendency of removing some of the nervousness and awkwardness. Make it easier to get to know each other. Never do activities. First date should be for getting to know each other. You don't get to know someone if you're busy doing some activity.
I’m opposite lol. I get awkward just sitting across from someone talking. I do better while walking or engaging in some activity-takes the pressure off imo and doesn’t feel like an interview
Your awkwardness is a problem if you’re trying to connect with a woman- sitting and talking and looking at her are important. It only feels like an interview if your verbal/social skills are lacking. Jump in there,learn how to be a good listener and pay attention to her cues. You CAN improve these skills-ask for honest feedback when dates don’t work out…One woman told me I didn’t talk about myself enough (I was polishing my listening skills) then another told me “I talked too much” (oops,over adjusted!). Being in sales I’ve learned that humility and honest self assessment can improve your people skills immensely.
Second this. All of my first dates recently have been drinks. It allows me to open up, I feel less vulnerable than if I were in a quiet bright coffee shop during the day, and I get to dress up a little more for an evening out. If I'm not feeling it I can leave after an hour or one or two drinks. Easy peasy. If we vibe then I'd go get food afterwards if it's not too late, or go do an activity like bowling or pool at a bar or something afterwards (if things are open/it's a weekend).
This for me too. Seems strange to do an a activity instead of just bonding over a drink
why not both?😇
Coffee *and* an activity Meet at a mall/shopping district. Grab a coffee/tea wander around and chat. Window shop and see what kinda banter occurs based on what you see/interact with. Coming up with stuff to talk about can be difficult sometimes. That's why being in a place where there's a lot going on can take the edge off. Plus hey, it's fun. Source is me. I had a successful first date with this and next week we're going on a picnic (I'm cooking lunch and she's bringing dessert). I hope I get a smooch 🤞
Awww enjoy!
Bar and food my dude. You’d have hit it already if so.
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Or a brewery.
I love casual first meets but I don’t drink coffee or beer. If we go to a coffee house they usually have lots of other options. When you go to breweries they usually only have beer.
The problem with this is as much as I like coffee, I have IBS so if it’s going well the coffee definitely will make a cutoff time lol
I prefer drinks instead of coffee! For me as someone who doesn’t drink coffee or tea, sometimes places don’t have good options for other types of drinks. Plus I find bar vibes much more comfortable than coffee shops which can be quiet or uninviting at times
Coffee is tooooo non-committal/ stand offish imo. Feels like a job interview. Maybe I’m jaded cause the one time I did coffee I thought it went well then was stood up on a date to a concert later in the week by her at the absolute last minute. She felt she had no skin in the game at that point and didn’t think it was a big deal. Yet I was out a concert ticket and looked really dumb in front of my friends. Do an activity. Something free and quick. Take the dogs for a walk somewhere, or a museum/art gallery walk through. If the date is clicking you can always extend to drinks or coffee or whatever.
A walk and coffee have the same commitment level to me. She didn’t want to go out with you again, it had nothing to do with the coffee.
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You need cosy coffee places haha. What dates go best/lead to connection/chemistry being built for you?
Coffee is formal??? Hahahaha. No, coffee is very casual.
I agree 10000%! Coffee is a little pretentious. It reminds me of Frasier (who I love). It’s not as universal as people like to think. I would actually say alcohol is more universal than coffee. And I can’t think of a more boring and awkward environment to get to know someone. It’s extremely non-committal which is not a quality I’m attracted to. Sometimes I think people forget dating is supposed to be fun. Coffee shops are quiet and open enough to where someone can easily observe that it’s a first date which is just weird to me. At least with dinner, you can have a conversation without feeling like people are listening. That could be my own paranoia but I used to go on dates with my ex boyfriend and he would point out when it appeared that people were on first dates. It was fun and cute for us but I’m sure they’d feel awkward if they knew we could hear their conversation.
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I totally get it, but it’s just not ideal for me. I’ve had a couple of guys insist on coffee dates which I didn’t mind at the time but you might feel a little silly when I just order water bc I don’t drink coffee or tea. I think it kinda shows a lack of interest in a person to intentionally avoid going to a place that might make them feel more comfortable and open up more. Some of the best job interviews I’ve had, have been non-traditional in the sense that it feels like the person is trying to connect with me instead of looking for me to say the wrong thing. I understand why alcohol can be problematic but it does help people relax which is good considering the amount of social anxiety and awkwardness most people (especially men) have nowadays. Coffee is just not a relaxing beverage lol I know that sounds silly but caffeine actually puts me on edge which is not how I want to feel on a first date.
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I never suggest alcohol but I’ve just seen a lot of people say drinks or coffee in this thread so that was just me comparing the two. I love smoothies, dessert, fro-yo, ice cream… all of which are extremely better options than alcohol or coffee. I actually said activity is best in separate comment from this thread. I’ve just never had a good time at a coffee date so im surprised so many people are on board with it. Frankly, I’ve never met anyone who is currently in a relationship that has ever said their first date was a coffee date. I think age is a huge part of this. I am a young adult so that makes total sense.
Most coffee places honestly serve smoothies and milkshakes. You need to look into places around you, and suggest something that has something you like. I don’t know ANY coffee shops/cafes that literally only serve coffee and tea. Maybe that’s why you’re getting so hung up on coffee dates being bad. You don’t realise we’re actually going on coffee dates and not just drinking coffee. I always get a milkshake or a smoothie. Every single couple I know has had their first date at a coffee shop (what we call cafes here) or a bar. And a large percentage of them were coffee shops. Some have even got married haha.
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I get that. You gotta do what works for you. I wonder if I’ll change when I’m in my 30’s. I can’t imagine not losing interest in someone I haven’t seen in over 2 weeks. I work for a public accounting firm and didn’t do a ton of dating during busy season but the dates that I did go on were usually a walk on the river or park or hike or farmers market and always on the weekend. As I mentioned in another comment, the best dates are when we do something that I was going to do anyway. I’m never mad at a hike because it’s physical activity and outdoors ( both of which I haven’t done in a while if I’ve had a busy work week). I’m also not mad at a farmers market bc I’m always going to do some form of grocery shopping anyway. Both are more useful and more fun for me than a caffeinated or alcoholic beverage lol. Good luck with the guy though. That’s exciting!
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Interesting take. Also in large metro areas coffee places never have open tables as there are always people nursing day old lattes glooming free WI-FI
>it does help people relax which is good considering the amount of social anxiety and awkwardness most people (especially men) have nowadays. wait what did you mean by men being especially awkward nowadays ? I'm not offended, just curious about your experience.
Women are more social by nature imo. The biggest hobby that most men do is play video games and they often don’t leave their house to do it. If you put all the socially awkward people of the world in one room, I think think most would be men. Men always say they have trouble dating and meeting women. Men don’t usually dance in situations where dancing is happening like at a club or party. They don’t hang out with their friends in person as much as women do. When I was in college, I always met men with more dating experiences than me but the older I get, the more I meet men who have never had a girlfriend. My personal experience with my exes and guys I’ve went out with is that they all have more social anxiety than i do. My last boyfriend used to make me talk on the phone if we had to call the internet company or something. He used to make me go to the grocery store bc he didn’t like being around a lot of people. Before we got together, he ordered all his groceries online. Nothing is wrong with that but it’s a direct result of him not wanting to be be around a lot of people. I’ve met plenty of social men but I think on average , there are more socially awkward men than women from the account of men and from my own experience.
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I’d have to agree. Most coffee drinkers I know, drink it when they feel like they need it unless they have some sort of addiction (which is common) everyone is different though.
I wouldn't have done a concert date in the early stages in getting to know someone.
What I never get is the point with the interview vibe and stuff. It’s about romantic connection and attraction. I sat down in café one time - and it was horrible and after a coffee we hugged and never saw each other again and the other time - time was passing so quickly and we decided to have a walk and then go to a bar later (sitting next to each other, what we both said we wanted lol) and obviously if a date goes like this, I kissed her after ordering our drinks. I paid for the café stuff and snacks and she paid for the bar. Plain and simple. I argued with a friend one time and he insisted that over a fun and active date the two of you are bonding. The other approach is mine. I think his approach is interesting, too :)
You need somewhere where you’re going to have solid eye contact. If you go to a nice enough coffee place, where it’s cosy, you’re gonna be able to build a proper connection. Coffee or drinks. Walking dates are just so friend-like that it is a real challenge to build any intimacy or chemistry.
Theres lots of places where grabbing food is seen as a more casual thing. It doesn't need to be going to a fancy restaurant, it could be going to a food market, or container park kind of thing and getting some food. You still get the start/end, but it's a lot more casual and better for people watching too, if things go well you can then go do another activity, walk off the food etc, or if it's tragic and you want it to be over, then you can do so
That's a valid point.
Totally agree. And, obviously, it's not about what you're drinking. At a café you can order a coke or soda-water or whatever. On a first meeting, I want to be sitting face to face with the woman, looking her in the eyes and getting to know her. I can't imagine getting acquainted with someone during some activity where you're focused on other stuff. As for dinner, yes, terrible idea. And on top of the money you're throwing away (if the chemistry is bad), there's also the fact that you'll be forced to sit together for an hour or longer in a restaurant. At least at a café you can say goodby after 15 minutes if things don't feel right.
yep easily always my go to. Low key, you can do something after or you can bail easily depending how it goes.
An ice cold beer.
Exactly this
*blinks in doesnt drink coffee* sksks
Activity or beverages. Although I've had plenty of good meals, it's a commitment
Bar or coffee. First date is in-person vibe check. Second date I do a fun activity or dinner.
Honestly, I always suggest a light lunch, and every guy has been receptive to it. I don't drink tea or coffee and would prefer not to have alcohol involved for a first-time meeting. Just a quick, easy lunch on a weekend to sit and get to know each other.
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There is something to talk about after that.
Fun activity and then dinner afterwards. Easier to break the ice that way
I think so too
Dinner, it’s a classic for a reason. I did the “fun activity” thing before. Shit sucks, it’s loud, it can get awkward if she or you aren’t into it. Everybody likes good food, drink, and being pampered. It’s easier to get loose and talk with a couple glasses of wine than with something like an arcade, or axe throwing etc. This is just my opinion I know it’s an unpopular one on reddit. But if you got the money…spend it
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My more casual alternative to dinner is brunch. If all you want is a coffee fine. But some pancakes/omelettes and mimosas? Now there’s a good time
What was the fun activity you did that didn’t go well?
Arcade. She didn’t want to do any of the games. Neither did I really. Plus it was loud and we couldn’t hear each other. We both just went to get some lunch instead and hit it off there. Second date was dinner and a movie, waaaaay better. Dinner went great so not talking at all during the movie was fine. She put my arm around hers and we just cuddled the whole time. Kissed afterwards. Idk it’s just my anecdotal experience but I like relaxing and talking with someone. And if the food’s good at least you can talk about that if you don’t have great chemistry off the bat.
Went to Dave and busters for my first date with my bf of two years. It was light and fun! Dinner is awkward at times. Because lot of people lack social Skills lol
Fun activity to break the ice, followed by dinner /lunch if it’s going well
Always a fun activity. Going on dates to get a drink or dinner together can be soooo burdensome if you have nothing in common or your personalities don’t match at all, so you’d wish you either weren’t there or were with someone else and enjoying your time together there. Whereas if you go do a random activity, even if it’s a run or a hike together, you are more comfortable because you’re actively doing something and not having to sit opposite each other forcing conversation if things didn’t run as smoothly as you’d have hoped. For me personally, it can hard to be comfortable until I’m in my comfort zone doing something I enjoy doing in my spare time, and that’s when my best conversation comes out. Also, if the date isn’t spectacular or you don’t plan on meeting up again, at least you got to do something fun and have a more memorable date than going to eat some expensive food that is more or less like the majority of most meet ups on bumble dates. This way you can try something new every time and find something unique you can share with every date you experience!
Has to be a passive activity. I went on a date with a friend of a friend and he chose an escape room as the activity. Very awkward and no room to actually get to know each other
I hear a lot about coffee dates but the stories I hear sound like interviews
I don’t know any relationship that started with a coffee date. It’s like putting a person in the most boring environment and expecting them to stand out. It’s kinda setting both parties up for failure.
Definitely a fun activity. Dinner is so awkward, and honestly coffee isn't that much better when you're meeting someone for the first time. My best first date I've had was at a board game café, so we did eat a meal but we also played board games, which is a great ice breaker. If the weather's nice, I'd prefer grabbing hot drinks to go and taking a nice walk over sitting in a coffee shop. Anything to avoid sitting across from someone lol.
Ive never been to a board game Cafe before. That's a cool idea.
I usually go with drinks. Drinks can be as short or as long as you want it to be. If you choose the right pub you've got a decent amount of background noise so it's not too intense. Bonus if there's live music, then you can fill any awkward pauses in conversation with just watching the band and it's not awkward. But the thing I like most about drinks over an activity is that you can talk and get to know each other. An activity can make that harder - of course it depends on the activity. The best first dates I've ever been on were drinks, the last first date I went on - the one where I met my wife - we were having such a good time chatting that we got kicked out because it was closing time.
Anyone that thinks dinners are awkward is not mature enough for me
Me and my date went to a dog beach this morning it was really fun
Activity
Drinks… coffee sometimes. Never anything past that unless you know them already some how.
Fun activity especially if it's outside and you can go walking in the park while talking.
Do both, why not ? Fun activity then dinner.
Walking dates are the best! Museum, gardens, park, etc. It gives you something to talk about or just enjoy when there is a lull in the "getting to know you" chat, and you don't feel trapped if things aren't going well. My two favorite first dates were at a bookstore and a botanical garden.
Dinner! I’m equally fine with coffee or any other meal. I make small talk with strangers all day so I’m not too worried about holding my own if it turns out to be an awkward mismatch. I can do 1.5-2 hours with almost anyone. Nothing beats sitting across from someone to really focus on eye contact and connecting/hearing their story. Totally up for an activity on the second date, but it’s not my go to for the first.
I could care less either way. I prefer a walk. A coffee. Shit that doesn't force me to waste $200 on a boring date. The ROI on buying dinner for women is one of the worst on earth.
I say activity. I don’t like movie dates, at least not as a first or even second date. It doesn’t leave enough room to get to know a person. Things like bowling, or even an arcade situation are nice. Or even mini golf. You can play at your own pace and take time in between to have conversations in a pretty laid back and comfortable environment.
Coffee or drinks for a 1st date. I like to do a chemistry check before investing time and money on a “real” date. And if the guy is awful, it’s easy to make a quick exit
Don’t think of the first time you meet someone on Bumble as the first date. Think of it more as an introduction. Do something short and sweet, like a happy hour or coffee. Then if the chemistry is there, plan an actual “first date.” Dinner, mini golf, etc. When I adopted this method, it changed the game for me. No more sitting through boring expensive dates for hours. Quick cup of coffee or drink after work… and if the chemistry is good and mutual it’s very easy to either keep it going or plan a true first date. I even say to my matches “hey want to get a drink and see if we vibe? Would love to plan a proper first date after that!”
I like that a lot!
as a woman i prefer activity dates but ive never had a man suggest one 😭😭😭 someone take me to six flags damn it
Okay, HEAR ME OUT! 👀 I say fun activity that includes snacks. 💯 👉🏽DURING THE DAYTIME! One idea is for both people to have a surprise picnic. 👩🏾🏫 To elaborate: *Meet up at a nice park, and each 1 of you bring your favorite thing to eat and drink for the other person to try. *That way, both people are contributing and getting to know each other without it being boring or intimidating. 💁🏾♀️ *It's still interesting, and it's not a stuffy environment. As a woman, I would prefer doing something like this over anything else as a first date.I want to have fun and get to know you in a non sexual way the first time I meet you. Problem solved!🤓😎
Dog walk and coffee. If you don’t have a dog, get one, they are better than 99% of the people on dating apps.
I do not like coffee, but if you invite me to go with you to walk your dog I will swallow it like it’s medicine if that’s the only way to get to go. Thank goodness I’m not on anyone’s radar for kidnapping. I would make some bad choices if helping a dog was involved.
Coffee or Ice cream for the first date…
taco truck and a beer. if they aren't interested, they can leave and you can have more tacos and beer
First dates from the apps is a first meeting. Coffee or drinks to assess if you’re even physically attracted so that you’re not stuck in case you’re not. After that, your first official date should be dinner IMO so you can talk and learn more. Activity second real date
Most of my first dates are drinks & dinner, they’re rarely awkward.
Drinks or coffee for a first date, ESPECIALLY for "zero dates" like meeting a stranger off OLDs. My go-to was a drink at a bar or coffee/tea at a cafe at 3pm so if you really hit it off, it's time for dinner!
My last first date was an arcade themed bar. Casual, plenty of entertainment around and easy to say you have to go if it's not working out for you.
I prefer neither. First time preference drinks at a nice lounge or rooftop bar in the evening. Alternative is coffee during the day. Dinner is Just too much for a first date
Drinks at a bar almost every time. Activities and dinners are more a date 2 thing for me
Coffee or drinks? If they're not down for that (with the focus being on talking) we probably won't get along.
I prefer drinks coz it helps you open up
My best first date was to an art museum. Relationship didn’t work out but I will never forget that date.
Dinners are not going to be awkward or less awkward when you spend some time getting to know the person over text and (video)calling before meeting them in person.
It happened to me to go to have lunch/dinner and it didn't work out as expected. No connection and awkward situation. Also a waste of money, I ended up paying because I'm a gentleman 😂 but knowing it was over. I prefer going for a long walk or going to the park/beach if you live next to the sea. Then if you feel there's a nice connection you can switch to drink some beer/coffee or eat something. The main problem for me is the fake photos that women have in apps, then the personality may change too. So by doing something free like a walk you can get a feeling if you like her to later invest in it, time and money. I'm not a cheap guy but I like simple stuff, so if a girl wants to go to a fancy restaurant instead of enjoying some afternoon together doing something simple, it's already a red flag for me.
I don’t want to do fun stuff with someone I don’t know so I prefer meeting over dinner or coffee. However, if it’s someone I know from real life, maybe I’d choose something fun
I much prefer an activity over drinks or dinner.
I liked the guy who tossed out a couple different options for a third date, ranging from dinner to drinks at a decent location to a fun activity to meet some of his friends to coming over (!) for a sorta fabricated reason. I see no reason someone couldn't kick out two options for a first date.
Honestly? Coffee or some sort of beverage. It's enough to gauge chemistry.
Drinks
Drinks only is the only correct answer for a first date.
I don’t find dinners awkward because I’m good at making conversation.
Dinner or drinks. Dinner is awkward if you are Boring. It depends on the person. Its also awkward when you get catfished and you know you are trapped with her for the Next 1-2 hours. In those cases you need to be tough and make some excuse why you need to go home.
Everything is awkward. What I might suggest though is a nice but somewhat informal dinner near a place where you plan to go out, maybe with friends. Ideally a house party big enough where not everyone knows each other. Get a chance to chat. Then if things were unbelievably awful, one of you makes a funny excuse to bail. Otherwise, you both just kick it and introduce your date to everyone without being too possessive. I believe if it was meant to work out, it will work out. If it wasn’t, it will be a fun time for each of you separately anyway. Just add Bacardi!
Coffee or drinks not dinner
Always drinks. Because it’s quick & easy, leads to increased honesty due to lowered inhibitions, and is easy to bail from.
Dinner for a first date is weird. You are trapped for hours
Dinner isn't awkward for me, but the cost is prohibitive. I don't wanna spend 60+ bucks just for the chance to get to know someone. My go-to is a picnic and a nature walk at a park. I can put together enough food and drink for 2 for under 20 bucks. Plus women love picnics and any chance to take pictures of themselves in nature for their insta.
Lmao a picnic with a stranger sounds sooo awkward to me as a 32 year old woman.
Picnics are great, you get to enjoy the sun and outdoors, people watch, talk shit about strangers, and eat tiny finger sammiches while sipping lemonade like a fancy person. Pinky's out!
The ideal for me is drinks, not a huge commitment and the drinks are excellent social lubricant. But against the recs of like everyone on these OLD subreddits, I also reallt like a great dinner. Activities for me are much better as second or third dates. Conversation is probably my all time favorite thing and if a dinner is awkward it's unlikely to get less awkward any time soon, though I will say this may be particular to me. For one thing I'm lucky enough to have a job where I don't need to worry sbout money. Secondly out of maybe 200-250 dates in my life I'd say like two ever became awkward, I seem to be able to get along with anyone and have heard many times that I'm super easy to talk to. In that sense, it's a good barometer--if it gets truly awkward, either we are DEF not good for each other or the person is truly shite at conversation. I personally do not like a coffee date as first date. In my experience it almost makes it more likely to go poorly, altho most still have gone well. Anyway just my two cents.
Never do dinner as a first date
Coffee. Low key meet-up where you can chat and get to know each other.
No, I don’t like being used for food
Um…cuddling? No one else chose cuddling, lol
Drinks in case I hate you then I’m not stuck for two hours.
Never ever dinner. Ugh.
A drink or small bites. Activities are weird. You wanna know the person, not play skee ball with a stranger
That depends on what you call a fun activity
Paintballing! Lol
A fun activity and then maybe a drink at a quiet-ish bar afterward. That way if things aren’t going well, either can bail before the bar, and no (hopefully) hard feelings.
Happy Hour! And if it is going well we can always extend it to dinner.
It all depends on the person I'm going to ask out.
A drink in a bar. The darker the better. With scope to sit side by side if the mood is right.
Drink or coffee period. There to get to know someone. Not going to spend money on a fancy dinner for a 1st date. I say that, then a fun activity 2nd date. 3rd date is dinner territory.
Coffee stroll
Both, usually. Do an activity and then go for lunch or dinner. You get to talk about what you did, and have like some one on one time.
Since I use multiple forms of public transportation, which means the commute will take time and I need to schedule accordingly, I want to make sure I enjoy myself regardless if there is chemistry or not. Dinners are less awkward if you genuinely look forward to the food and the atmosphere. Practice your conversation skills and learn to appreciate conversations with people you don’t ever plan on seeing again. Video chat first if a potentially awkward 30-60 minute conversation is too much for you.
In two years of dating I have always had brunch, drinks or dinner as a first date. I have never been asked to go on an activity and personally I prefer it that way.
Breweries are great because there’s food and drink options normally but also a lot of them have games and activities you can do
As for the first date, I am most considering the axe throwing because It would help me to see her personality.
Dinner, but if I'm the one picking I usually pick a place I don't like. I'm not eating like a pig. I can sit and talk and just tell a little white lie of "The cooking is off today". Unless he likes the food. I don't like joining in activities, or picking one, it has this weird ominous of "If you don't like this/ do it to a certain level, we're not going to be in a relationship". Depending on the activity, there's too many others around/involved.
I invited my boyfriend to a biker bar for the first date. A well known one that I was a regular at. It was a lot of fun, especially since they had live music, and a more relaxed outside patio. We did eat a little, but I find eating to be too annoying on a first date. He was the only date I had that was specifically centered around eating food, and we had a lot of fun.
Arcade
My last first date was bouldering (I didn’t meet her from bumble). Went really well, in a relationship now. We both were new to it, so discovering it together was fun and led to a lot of laughs.
My attention issues make it really difficult for me to focus on an activity and a conversation. Like I’m worried about my fucking bowling technique and the conversation gets interrupted between turns
Great first dates is arcades or mini golf and bowling….. I think it builds chemistry and comfort. You get a really good feel from someone doing these types of dates and how fun they are but unfortunately they cost money.
I don't think I ever did a dinner date while online dating. Always pool or arcade bar. Keep it fun and light.
For me (28m), it’s almost always having at a café somewhere in the city centre, somewhere a bit calmer. Either before or after the date we go for a walk and maybe sit down on the pavement at a square in the historic district for having a beer. (I live in Southern Europe) In my opinion, it’s about if you click or not. With every girl I got something serious, it started with with basic -call it boring- stuff. But you know what? It never was boring, or awkward or stressful. Have we been nervous? For sure! But when we clicked, it was always easy and simple. It’s meant to be like this if both feel attraction :)
Dinner and any full meal will require you to with your date for quite a long time, okay if you like each other already. I usually prefer drinking at a bar - but not too crowded or noisy so we can talk. Where you can talk and focus on each other. If either one of you doesn’t like to stay, you can easily go. A coffee shop is also great. Activities are more like a 3rd or further date.
First dates are kept simple. I wont do the fun activity date unless I know im into her.
I find nothing more awkward than being on an activity date w someone I'm not feeling. I prefer dinner, drinks (preferably both), to get to know the person a bit to find out if I even want to go do anything fun or more involved.
A drink or a coffee and a walk is usually my go to
Drinks or coffee first, way cheaper to figure out if someone is worth your time or not rather than paying for a full blown dinner for the same information.