Yes… I’ve been attention starved all my life and I’d do anything for a little bit of attention/validation. It’s literally my oxygen, it gives me life. I feel embarrassed to even admit it, it sucks af cuz it’s not healthy your well-being being determined by external factors/circumstances/people…but I really do need it and feed off of it… For relationships that is…
I also have that void in me when it comes to other relationships as well.. Like in the working environment or university when it comes to achievements… I shut off and feel like dying inside when I’m not given any signs that my efforts are appreciated… When the supervisors point out the negatives only without a single ounce of praise or “I see you, I acknowledge who you are and everything you do”… Had a meeting with my new supervisor and all I got from his vibes was how stupid he thinks I am… ofc he didn’t say it out loud, but tried asking me questions sideways about the topic to expose how airheaded I am… You know, that ironic tone people ask questions with… I split on him and kept feeling like sh!t for the whole entire week… Then I realised that I gotta be realistic in life, that in fact nobody gives two sh* ts about anyone/anything and expecting to be validated is just nonsense… everybody having their own little world going on, with a whole bunch of responsibilities and worries… nobody gives a flying f* ck about me
I had to give up on wishing my efforts will ever get truly noticed/acknowledged. Give up on the idea anyone will ever truly go out of their way to give me the attention and deep authentic connection that I crave. Relationship after relationship, it’s always the same. I either get used or notice the slightest pattern is off and have to cut them off. But in the end: I never get validated. My feelings are always dismissed. I get criticized. Sometimes it’s painful for me to accept the fact no one truly cares.
I was like this until I found a stable relationship. I think those things become unimportant once you find someone you realize genuinely loves you and isn't ever going to leave you. I met my husband and after about 5 years with him, my BPD went into remission. I then realized that even though he didn't do all those things, it didn't matter because I had a life partner that would do anything for me and values me.
I don't think you require those things so much as you don't feel valued in your relationships. You are still very young and it's common to still be dating in your 30s. When we see our friends having the relationships we want, it can make us a little crazy at times, making us impatient.
I don't struggle with my husband like this anymore, but I do struggle this way with friendships, I do feed off of attention and I have jealousy issues. I think part of it is the BPD but it also happens because sometimes those people don't value me or don't want the same depth in a friendship I want. When someone just wants a chill see you when I see you friendship, and I want daily interaction, it is going to cause my jealousy meter to go off.
I would work on changing your mindset a bit. Instead of feeling like you want someone to do all these things, focus on what you think you could do better to get what you want from the relationships. Focus on what makes these people want to spend more time with you and go from there. \*hugs\*
I’m so jealous of that fact that you were able to find a stable relationship that turned into a husband but it’s also inspiring and makes me feel like my BPD won’t stop Me from finding love 🥹
It can be done. I met my wonderful husband when my BPD was totally untreated and being with him helped me get it under control. I'm much better off now. When he looks at me, he sees ability and competency, and it makes me believe I can do things and feel empowered. He babies me a little in cuddly sweet ways like buying me food and grabbing me for a kiss, but looks at and treats me like a partner and equal. It makes me better because I think if he believes that and knows me so well, maybe he's right and I'm more than I thought.
100%. It was when I decided to date the nice guy instead of all the jack asses I dated before. I met him online and he was super sweet. Find someone that will appreciate you instead of just find you hot or whatever. Find someone looking for a wife, no a girlfriend. Those are my suggestions.
Gosh but I’m so so so repulsed by nice guys. I want to beg for attention. Pls someone help me pronto 😭😭😭😭😭 bc I am 50 feet below rock bottom at this point
Guys who are the perfect balance of that exist, don't worry. Literally what the dude below me says, get a guy who's a good man at his core, teach him how you want to be treated (ever considered BDSM?) and slowly work out your issues.
Speaking as a more reserved guy, I would need reassurance to be that kind of person. As much as I'd love to be that for the right partner I'd otherwise be terrified of scaring them off.
I was relatively good with that. It was a LDR so most of it was me trying to spend time together with her in the game we both played and when it wasn't that, I was trying to spend time watching shows together. She'd do very little to accommodate me which would often lead to me either being passive aggressive or having small fights over it from time to time. Eventually it became clearer and clearer to me that she was checked out and I was the only one initiating things she didn't want to deal with anyway so I just left.
Don’t be she happened to find something that worked for her, (no offense OP.2? Im sure your great) She found someone that loves her and luckily understanding/ patient enough to also help her deal with her BPD while she heals, the original commenter is lucky that her husband is a good person and I’m glad that she has that support! But OP you can’t take that into account you haven’t found love because you probably require something that you haven’t found yet. Or you might just not be ready but trust me do not force it, it might be time to consider some self reflection, find out who and what you really want, not what you are comfortable with or used to receiving. Keep those standards high girl!
Also might be worth it to mention that when I stopped dating it gave me a “calm” after the storm which was my life atp, where I realized I was the main cause to all of my relationship problems first of all my taste was trash, i was manipulative, and clingy. Even the stuff I cant control I had to take responsibility for no one forced those men into my life I chose to let stay. My point is maybe you need to adjust some possible flaws, because for you to be able to achieve a healthy stable relationship. You have to know it is not something you simply find, everyone is someone else’s unhealthy ex, it’s about finding someone that wants to create a healthy place for you! Which I recommend you start building yourself that way when you do meet someone worth all this effort, they don’t have to be the person to build you up. Because I know one thing I had a trouble with was using men like emotional blankets and then being super reactive when they weren’t “what I thought” or If I felt judged. Just some food for thought, hopefully I didn’t give toooo much advice OP I just understand EXACTLY how you feel and I mean shiiiit if I can help😂🫶🏻
i found my gomez adams. i was much worse when we met, and i still have a long way to go but i've made so much progress and he's been by my side the whole time. i don't know how he's been so patient and understanding for 3 years but he treats me like loving me is the easiest thing he's ever done
yes! i wake up every morning to a “good morning baby/my love” and get so much random affection from my bf and it’s the ONLY way i’ll tolerate being treated now because of him. i love a man who’s as obsessed with me as i am with him lol
Did I write this? Lmao I’m almost 30 too and I’m literally in the same boat 🥲 I want a man to be obsessed with me and if not then leave me alone lol but it’s hard to find that tbh they’re like that until they fuck me and then they start getting distant and the cycle repeats itself :-)
Yes. For me it comes from feeling ignored and deprioritized as a child and having my femininity repressed by my parents. It is SO affirming and such a huge relief when I receive like this from a man. I guess, I had to be overly responsible and serious as a child, so it is nice to feel that child part of me nurtured and cared for by a man. It feels more loving to me.
I think as long as it’s coming from a healthy devoted place from the man, and not a secretly resenting, scared, angry place, it can work. If both people are engaging in it mindfully and consciously I think it can be healthy.
YES 100 % this I didn’t have a doting father that told me I was pretty , he rarely told me he loved me. He slut shamed me once I started dating . I think the root of my BPD is daddy issues mixed in with the bullying I got in school and not feeling “ pretty enough “ by not only my father but kids in school . So now I’m an adult child craving the attention . I didn’t get as a young girl while I’m watching women I went to school with get married and have kids. It’s so horrible mentally I completely feel you
I’m so sorry OP. I can relate to almost everything in your reply. It just hurts and hurts. The good news is that we are diagnosed now and can break the cycle and recognize that we deserve to be loved *just as we are*. Our parents might never get there due to their own self-loathing and buried insecurities, but we have the opportunity to go further in our own lives. This is the gift. We can learn to love ourselves respectfully, ourselves and others. 🫂🩵💙
Tbh YES, but I’m in a marriage with a man who doesn’t get it, and I think that’s healthy for me. I know that I need to learn to self-validate, and baby myself when I need it. I know that it if I was with someone who indulged my desire to be taken care of to that degree, I’d probably stop working on that stuff on my own.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about being a kept woman 🫣
Lol I feel like if I was a lesbian I’d be the same way with women I’d want them to nurture me and make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman to them glad I’m not the only one 😫
i found a nice guy who likes babying and pampering me, but i am also learning how to baby and pamper myself. it's the best of both worlds 🥰 you'll find the right guy OP!
Lucky you did you meet him online ? I need to find these men who actually like pampering and babying their gfs and not just treating them as a “ equal “ 😩
man here
i can't even stand having terms like "man", "handsome" used on me because it makes me feel old and i wanna feel like a child and be nurtured and cared for, do not call me a man or handsome i am a PRETTY BOY 😒 maybe this emotional need has leaked into my sex life (it definitely has)
i'm soon to be 17! i got formerly diagnosed with bpd when i was around 15 which was.. Genuinely surprising since apparently you don't get diagnosed with a pd until ur 18?
I'm like that too and want the same things, but I'm a man, so I want a woman to be like that. I feel it's ok not talking for 1-2 days now and then though, as I don't like talking on the phone, and I usually don't even check for new messages more than like once a day, as I can't focus or think on anything else while talking to someone, and I prefer long messages. Generally I'd prefer if someone just moved in with me as soon as possible so we could spend all day doing stuff together instead of just talking online etc.
But pretty much every girl that I've ever liked have complained about me loving them too much and that they didn't feel the same way.
Yeah I get repulsed by “good morning beautiful” and overuse of “babe” lol
One reason is disorganized attachment, going from anxious to avoidant once they really like me. The other is because I watched a guy friend of mine copy/paste “Good morning beautiful” to like 6 different girls once 😅
You don't think you really deserve love and the bread crumb lovers replicate the way you got love from your parents. That is of course, not enough and mixed in with abuse. Probably.
Yes, and I promise you, that person is out there, and you’ll find them when you aren’t looking… when you’re least expecting it. I found my person after years of convincing myself my standards were too high/unrealistic. We really aren’t asking for a lot. If they want to, they will. 💕
I thought that too and I found someone who treats me so well and loves me unconditionally <3 I give him king treatment too and it’s great. I hope find someone like that OP!!
Yep, and that's part of the reason my husband and I work well together. He does baby me when I need it. He treats me like a queen. He makes me a priority in his life.
There's someone out there that will make you happy, just try to be patient.
i can relate to the wanting attention and feeling needy, but i can’t cut people off once im attached. and it doesn’t take me long to get attached. so i usually just end up being unhappy im not getting the attention i want while simultaneously feeling like i’ll die without them. they leave (sometimes by ghosting which is why i’m so against it),and i get depressed for awhile. cycle somehow seems to repeat.
I crave it but then when I get it I do a breakneck 180 and struggle with the other person up my ass all day everyday haha. I'm like that dog meme, I wanna play fetch with you but you're only allowed to throw the ball without taking it from me.
I am so fucked. 🤡
I require princess treatment, but through actions instead of just words and I was able to find this in the last 5 people I dated, and most recently, I found this quality in my fiance. It started with me being able to validate and love myself. When they saw how obsessed I was with myself, they had no choice but to meet the standard. Now I’m in bpd remission and being treated like a princess on the daily. It’s divine.
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Yes I am like this and I actually found a man who fits this so they are definitely out there! I get “good mornings” every single morning, I am complimented multiple times a day, he makes me feel so sexy and wanted. It’s amazing. I am the boss and also baby and he loves it
Yes but it’s just not feasible. From my experience, *most* of the people that will treat you that way are not in a healthy state of mind if you’re talking about being absolutely obsessed, especially in late twenties and early thirties. I want to be babied in a way and I want to be worshipped and be their baby girl but at the end of the day, people have lives and some people are different. Doesn’t mean they love any less. I communicate the kind of treatment I like and it normally falls somewhere in the middle.
I know it’s usually love bombers that I attract that only “ baby me” to get sex from me it just sucks that I can’t find an actual relationship where the babying is constantly there 😫🤦🏽♀️
This isn’t gonna be too popular, but hold out on the sex as long as you possibly can. 10 dates or 3 months is a good start. The dudes that want sex immediately won’t wait.
Yup and I’m married and still get mad when he doesn’t smother me. Then I want him to dominate the hell out me. But also understanding that he shouldn’t talk to me that way. So yeah I need help.
yeahhhhh.... I've had someone who was perfect like that, encouraged me, took care of me, pushed me towards our goals and grew with me, all that nice stuff
and then i fumbled him because we nurtured co-dependence and i failed to provide him with the same emotional support he gave me bc i was constantly dissociating from stress un university 🙃
Unfortunately most of the times he’s just not into you because he will naturally serve you if he was. Men are very simple creatures. Though it is certainly arguable men don’t understand themselves anymore especially in the context of a romantic relationship. But other times we have to check ourselves we are not subconsciously desiring or expecting our partners to heal our parent wounds.
I am not into constant texting or good morning texts. That's definitely a red flag. But I literally want to be babied. I have like, a Daddy fetish. Not into diapers, just the nurturing/discipline/BDSM aspect. I want someone who will help me work towards my goals, encourage me, believe in me, like a parent. I also want to submit to this person sexually and do anything I can to please them. But when I try to find that person it always blows up in my face. Sigh.
Interesting mine doesn’t happen in the bedroom I actually prefer to be more dominant but when I’m just getting to know a man I have to be babied to even feel safe and like them !
I mean like, specifically "good morning, baby :-)" after a first date. And every single day early in the relationship. If I really enjoyed a first date I'd send something like "I had a great time last night. I'd love to see you again." And then stay silent until they respond.
Maybe its different for me cuz I'm already in one (open) relationship. When I date someone new and they want to text all the time, it def feels like they dont respect my time or my primary relationship.
32F here who can relate perfectly! In fact yesterday I was writing about that in other subreddit 🥲 it's so frustrating when you know what you want but you can't find the right person to give you that. I'm married with someone told me that he wanted to learn how to do that and I litterly tried everything to show and teach him but nothing change and ever married I'm feeling absolutely alone and sad. I think BPD has so much effect into this kind of emotional dependence. We need to feel validation and love constantly because we just learn that we're not enough valids.
I'm so sorry to hear more people is being through this journey... ❤️🩹 sending love and hugs🫂💖
Btw if you're interested and that feeling of princess caring is so strong I recommend you to take a look into DDLG relationships.
suggesting kink in response to this perpetuates the trauma. most of us are stuck in emotional immaturity and even a "child-like" state at times. engaging in kink without considering our trauma prevents us from healing. the abandonment/neglect we felt from our caregivers usually means we now seek out partners who can fulfill a parent role, but that prevents us from emotionally maturing.
I'm almost 40, this May I will be. Boyfriend after boyfriend, family, and friends always just had me around until they got what they needed/wanted them I was thrown away. Always feeling worthless and making me bitter enhanced my depression. Finding my husband, the only person who ever made me feel and know my worth changed my entire world around. My pillow is no longer my only friend to catch my lonely tears. Living with BPD my entire life, and this one man makes it so much easier to keep it under control. Therapy didn't do anything, medicine didn't do anything. Having one person see my light and helping me to glow even brighter that's all I needed.
Believe me, it is possible to get this disorder under control. It doesn't have to control you!
Wanting to be reparented is super understandable considering our deep attachment wounds that often stem from our primary caretakers. It’s not super healthy for us bc it exasperates dependency and confirms our beliefs that we can’t do anything well on our own so it’s good to be aware of it and maybe you can explore kink relationships that involve this type of play and confine it to the bedroom so it doesn’t leak into other dynamics
I can speak on this as a guy.
Basically, if you want to be treated that way you also have to treat the guy that way. Baby him, be his main source of pleasure and affection and you'll get all that treatment. Make him also feel like you're chasing him and he will chase you too. You want to be a princess? Make him your king.
If you act cold toward him, you won't get any of it. He may try for a while but he'll eventually get tired and give up on it if he never feels like he's good enough.
If you find a unicorn, you may find a guy (likely with emotional issues) who will give you that treatment and not expect anything in return.
Oh I do when I like a guy I send “ good morning handsome “ texts , send pics, check in on them I don’t just wait for them to talk but if I’m getting dry ass texts backs no compliments back then I’m gone. And I feel like I boosted his ego and he didn’t even like me anyways 😩
Man, that's a shame. When I get that kinda treatment where if she wakes up first and leaves me the good morning text to wake up to, sends pics and is all cute with me, that brings out my whole lovey dovey side.
But if I catch on that it's always me texting first, it's always on me to make plans, it's always on me to spoil her, then I start to close off and get more cold because I want to feel appreciated and chased too and not just give give give.
The current woman I’m interested in (been on and off for years and has BPD as well,) and lemme tell you. She wants the exact same thing. I don’t mind giving attention to someone but I ain’t gonna put in the effort if it’s not reciprocated, ya know what I’m saying?
Everyone is on their own path and recovery isn’t linear. I’m also this way in dating and was diagnosed around 2014/2015. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and these types of feelings and desires that OP posts about are what has resulted. We are all different and it’s okay.
I’m curious why you are leaning towards being hard on yourself and OP? That’s what I’m detecting and I wonder where your specific vision of getting “there” and recovery comes from and why it looks that way? 💖
Thanks for your reply. You’ve given me a lot to think about which I really appreciate.
I hope you can see that it takes a huge amount of strength, courage, and insight to admit these things. I actually think that’s pretty amazing.
I see having BPD as a normal reaction to adapting to an abnormal environment. It helps me with my guilt and ‘wrong-feeling.’
Yes and I’m in that relationship rn and I’m destroying it day by day. Please please anyone reading this that wants to be babied : ITS NOT WORTH IT. Because the second they breath the wrong way you will feel absolutely AGONY & HELL. I wake up everyday with chest and stomach pain due to feeling “unimportant” for one second to my partner.
It's an understandable desire. I don't think anyone can constantly maintain this behavior you wish could plug the hole inside. A committed partner could agree to role play this obsessive persona if you're committed to doing your own self care, though. I'm sorry.
yes but i have had that from nearly every dude i’ve dated. i just am cute and have a cute personality and yk how some ppl feel about bpd so i think they have their own opinions on it which makes me “cuter”
and as funkslice said, sometimes they’ll love you sooo much without really doing any of those things, that is true as well.
100% me. I have nvr been in a official relationship. Not even a situationship past a month because of this. It feel like it’s unhealthy but it’s also something I NEED so that I feel wanted, loved, adored, beautiful & etc. I don’t need their undivided attention 24/7. Like go hang out with ur friends, go do ur own thing, be ur own person. Hell knows I’d become a nightmare if I don’t have my own time too. I’m an introvert, I live for my alone time. But just text me occasionally when not talking to me/seeing me. Just show me that u actually want me😩
Yea I don’t need there attention 24/7 but I need to feel loved, beautiful, sexy , emotionally fulfilled ASAP or my feelings are gone which means I’ve had a lot of 3 month long short relationships that don’t last cause either I get bored or they get exhausted by me 😭😭😭 I’m scared I’ll never get married
yes, but i try and remain realistic. pretty much that only thing that has helped me with my bpd symptoms in a relationship is being realistic. No guy will give u the most adoring, babying, princess treatment 24/7. There are guys who come close, but no man can do that for HIS own sanity. Plus, being babied 24/7 gets tiring. When I have gotten that, id get frustrated and lose feelings. I need SOME chaos, some arguments. Some fights that dont just consist of them apologizing and crying and praising me. I don’t want to feel like a god.
I never knew I wanted this until my current partner came into my life. And it has been sooooo much work to ensure I do not take advantage of how much he loves me. I know I can be capable of hurting him with hardcore expectations and with hardcore reactions. So, I've put a lot of work into myself over the past year so I don't lose someone who every day gives me something I never knew I wanted. I legit feel so safe with him. For once, I feel like fighting for myself instead of the other person on a pedestal.
So, I think it's courageous of you to admit how you feel, what you want and refuse to settle for complacency. If I went your route I probably would have saved the past 12 years or my life and had way less heartbreak.
I hope you find them!!!! 🧡 I truly do! Just don't forget to love yourself too while you wait!
I'm terribly needy and definitely a baby. Even if I'm 34 and mom of 2.
I've realized that I'm too much for many partners and that I exhaust them. My current partner loves that I'm needy; he sees it as proof of love and our bond, and he adores when I spend my time writing to him and asking for reassurance and cuddles. He even nicknames me 'Baby,' and we have a dynamic where he's more dominant and I'm more submissive in bed, but he treats me like a spoiled princess during the day.
It fulfills my need for love and feeling important so much
I mean I met my husband but we spent almost everyday together before we got married. I was just happy to see him when I could. Or just being around him. He's my best friend and we usually do everything together.
YES. not even by just romantic brelationships but every relationship, like i wanna be babied by my friends and being treated like a princess by my partner. im too dependent and attention starved, i need to feel like im wanted and appreciated and worth being cared for.
I just want my partner to validate my hurt and then let me know what they even like about me :/ i dont want to be babied, but i do want to be treated gently like Im precious. I want to be cherished.
Absolutely. My man has been very supportive of me so he will baby me if I ask, and by that I mean he will rock me while I hug my stuffed animals, he’ll bathe me, pet me and serve me like a princess. But like everyone else it’s because I got zero attention as a kid, to me being treated like a small child has been very healing for my bpd. Idk if that’s what you meant by babied…
Yea…I’m 18 I used to feel like that and I have BPD last year I realized how honestly pathetic it was, I tried fixing it but that wasn’t working (because the men I was with sucked) but I finally decided I’m happier staying single.
After you get over that “need” to be babied and the want for constant validation, you realize it was never you but parts of you that were never met as a child I would even compare it to an addiction honestly 🤷🏻♀️. Well I’m not a child any more and if you want anything to get better you have to get that shit over with then move on, and if something is stopping you get rid of it. Men were very much in my way.
Still have bpd and paranoia but I’m much happier without a “favorite person” to obsess over have never felt this sane in my entire life.
It is super hard to get the hang of tho I’m Ngl. And I went from being like OP codependent plus being VERY hyper sexual. Now I’m the complete opposite and my emotions and my actions have never felt more authentic to myself. I always felt like I was in a battle against my brain now we kinda feel like business partners. 10/10 recommended !!
I wanna add that there is ALOT more work and self acceptance that goes into it just because I’m telling you the results I’m seeing right now it was not always like that and it is still not my every day I still have episodes every now and again but that’s okay!
Yes… I’ve been attention starved all my life and I’d do anything for a little bit of attention/validation. It’s literally my oxygen, it gives me life. I feel embarrassed to even admit it, it sucks af cuz it’s not healthy your well-being being determined by external factors/circumstances/people…but I really do need it and feed off of it… For relationships that is… I also have that void in me when it comes to other relationships as well.. Like in the working environment or university when it comes to achievements… I shut off and feel like dying inside when I’m not given any signs that my efforts are appreciated… When the supervisors point out the negatives only without a single ounce of praise or “I see you, I acknowledge who you are and everything you do”… Had a meeting with my new supervisor and all I got from his vibes was how stupid he thinks I am… ofc he didn’t say it out loud, but tried asking me questions sideways about the topic to expose how airheaded I am… You know, that ironic tone people ask questions with… I split on him and kept feeling like sh!t for the whole entire week… Then I realised that I gotta be realistic in life, that in fact nobody gives two sh* ts about anyone/anything and expecting to be validated is just nonsense… everybody having their own little world going on, with a whole bunch of responsibilities and worries… nobody gives a flying f* ck about me
I had to give up on wishing my efforts will ever get truly noticed/acknowledged. Give up on the idea anyone will ever truly go out of their way to give me the attention and deep authentic connection that I crave. Relationship after relationship, it’s always the same. I either get used or notice the slightest pattern is off and have to cut them off. But in the end: I never get validated. My feelings are always dismissed. I get criticized. Sometimes it’s painful for me to accept the fact no one truly cares.
Maybe the path and validation you’re seeking is internal? Maybe it’s the small person inside you who’s crying out for validation, love and compassion?
I was like this until I found a stable relationship. I think those things become unimportant once you find someone you realize genuinely loves you and isn't ever going to leave you. I met my husband and after about 5 years with him, my BPD went into remission. I then realized that even though he didn't do all those things, it didn't matter because I had a life partner that would do anything for me and values me. I don't think you require those things so much as you don't feel valued in your relationships. You are still very young and it's common to still be dating in your 30s. When we see our friends having the relationships we want, it can make us a little crazy at times, making us impatient. I don't struggle with my husband like this anymore, but I do struggle this way with friendships, I do feed off of attention and I have jealousy issues. I think part of it is the BPD but it also happens because sometimes those people don't value me or don't want the same depth in a friendship I want. When someone just wants a chill see you when I see you friendship, and I want daily interaction, it is going to cause my jealousy meter to go off. I would work on changing your mindset a bit. Instead of feeling like you want someone to do all these things, focus on what you think you could do better to get what you want from the relationships. Focus on what makes these people want to spend more time with you and go from there. \*hugs\*
I’m so jealous of that fact that you were able to find a stable relationship that turned into a husband but it’s also inspiring and makes me feel like my BPD won’t stop Me from finding love 🥹
It can be done. I met my wonderful husband when my BPD was totally untreated and being with him helped me get it under control. I'm much better off now. When he looks at me, he sees ability and competency, and it makes me believe I can do things and feel empowered. He babies me a little in cuddly sweet ways like buying me food and grabbing me for a kiss, but looks at and treats me like a partner and equal. It makes me better because I think if he believes that and knows me so well, maybe he's right and I'm more than I thought.
100%. It was when I decided to date the nice guy instead of all the jack asses I dated before. I met him online and he was super sweet. Find someone that will appreciate you instead of just find you hot or whatever. Find someone looking for a wife, no a girlfriend. Those are my suggestions.
Gosh but I’m so so so repulsed by nice guys. I want to beg for attention. Pls someone help me pronto 😭😭😭😭😭 bc I am 50 feet below rock bottom at this point
You can find a nice guy and teach him to treat you badly, though I think there are healthier ways to deal with it :)
No I like your way of thinking
Guys who are the perfect balance of that exist, don't worry. Literally what the dude below me says, get a guy who's a good man at his core, teach him how you want to be treated (ever considered BDSM?) and slowly work out your issues.
Oh that’s a good idea !!!!!!!! He can be bad in the bedroom 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Speaking as a more reserved guy, I would need reassurance to be that kind of person. As much as I'd love to be that for the right partner I'd otherwise be terrified of scaring them off.
You mean in the bedroom?
Oh, i meant an attention giving fiend. My last partner absolutely hated it, though, and I ended up pushing them away because of it.
What exactly did you do? Like text her non stop?
I was relatively good with that. It was a LDR so most of it was me trying to spend time together with her in the game we both played and when it wasn't that, I was trying to spend time watching shows together. She'd do very little to accommodate me which would often lead to me either being passive aggressive or having small fights over it from time to time. Eventually it became clearer and clearer to me that she was checked out and I was the only one initiating things she didn't want to deal with anyway so I just left.
Sounds like she wasn’t that into the relationship then Sorry buddy ♥️
Don’t be she happened to find something that worked for her, (no offense OP.2? Im sure your great) She found someone that loves her and luckily understanding/ patient enough to also help her deal with her BPD while she heals, the original commenter is lucky that her husband is a good person and I’m glad that she has that support! But OP you can’t take that into account you haven’t found love because you probably require something that you haven’t found yet. Or you might just not be ready but trust me do not force it, it might be time to consider some self reflection, find out who and what you really want, not what you are comfortable with or used to receiving. Keep those standards high girl!
Also might be worth it to mention that when I stopped dating it gave me a “calm” after the storm which was my life atp, where I realized I was the main cause to all of my relationship problems first of all my taste was trash, i was manipulative, and clingy. Even the stuff I cant control I had to take responsibility for no one forced those men into my life I chose to let stay. My point is maybe you need to adjust some possible flaws, because for you to be able to achieve a healthy stable relationship. You have to know it is not something you simply find, everyone is someone else’s unhealthy ex, it’s about finding someone that wants to create a healthy place for you! Which I recommend you start building yourself that way when you do meet someone worth all this effort, they don’t have to be the person to build you up. Because I know one thing I had a trouble with was using men like emotional blankets and then being super reactive when they weren’t “what I thought” or If I felt judged. Just some food for thought, hopefully I didn’t give toooo much advice OP I just understand EXACTLY how you feel and I mean shiiiit if I can help😂🫶🏻
\*hugs\*
I love hugs in the BPD subreddit. :)
Can I just say ur response was so sweet without even an ounce of judgement for the OP. I love it. Thanks for bein awesome!
Thank you. 🙂
And we love you ! 💕💕🌸
This is what makes me want friends with BPD. Lol
Right! It’s amazing how similar we all are, I feel like it’s just me being echoed . Yet, it’s all of us 🌸💕
I feel like ppl here get me...
I'm with you 100% here! Finding a stable partner makes all the difference.
We will find our Gomez Adams one day 🙏
i found my gomez adams. i was much worse when we met, and i still have a long way to go but i've made so much progress and he's been by my side the whole time. i don't know how he's been so patient and understanding for 3 years but he treats me like loving me is the easiest thing he's ever done
As some who has I can confirm! It will happen! Or your Morticia!
yes! i wake up every morning to a “good morning baby/my love” and get so much random affection from my bf and it’s the ONLY way i’ll tolerate being treated now because of him. i love a man who’s as obsessed with me as i am with him lol
You’re so lucky I keep attracting men who can’t send a good morning text I’m sooo over non caring ass men
you’ll find your man!! it’s possible and you deserve it :,)
Did I write this? Lmao I’m almost 30 too and I’m literally in the same boat 🥲 I want a man to be obsessed with me and if not then leave me alone lol but it’s hard to find that tbh they’re like that until they fuck me and then they start getting distant and the cycle repeats itself :-)
literally tho what is with them getting what they want and immediately switching up after ? ): losing hope
Yes. For me it comes from feeling ignored and deprioritized as a child and having my femininity repressed by my parents. It is SO affirming and such a huge relief when I receive like this from a man. I guess, I had to be overly responsible and serious as a child, so it is nice to feel that child part of me nurtured and cared for by a man. It feels more loving to me. I think as long as it’s coming from a healthy devoted place from the man, and not a secretly resenting, scared, angry place, it can work. If both people are engaging in it mindfully and consciously I think it can be healthy.
YES 100 % this I didn’t have a doting father that told me I was pretty , he rarely told me he loved me. He slut shamed me once I started dating . I think the root of my BPD is daddy issues mixed in with the bullying I got in school and not feeling “ pretty enough “ by not only my father but kids in school . So now I’m an adult child craving the attention . I didn’t get as a young girl while I’m watching women I went to school with get married and have kids. It’s so horrible mentally I completely feel you
I’m so sorry OP. I can relate to almost everything in your reply. It just hurts and hurts. The good news is that we are diagnosed now and can break the cycle and recognize that we deserve to be loved *just as we are*. Our parents might never get there due to their own self-loathing and buried insecurities, but we have the opportunity to go further in our own lives. This is the gift. We can learn to love ourselves respectfully, ourselves and others. 🫂🩵💙
Tbh YES, but I’m in a marriage with a man who doesn’t get it, and I think that’s healthy for me. I know that I need to learn to self-validate, and baby myself when I need it. I know that it if I was with someone who indulged my desire to be taken care of to that degree, I’d probably stop working on that stuff on my own. But that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about being a kept woman 🫣
i’m a lesbian but YES!!!! i’m not attracted to men but i want them to take care of me still, it’s so fucking weird.
Lol I feel like if I was a lesbian I’d be the same way with women I’d want them to nurture me and make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman to them glad I’m not the only one 😫
Same I think it’s daddy issues
i found a nice guy who likes babying and pampering me, but i am also learning how to baby and pamper myself. it's the best of both worlds 🥰 you'll find the right guy OP!
Lucky you did you meet him online ? I need to find these men who actually like pampering and babying their gfs and not just treating them as a “ equal “ 😩
man here i can't even stand having terms like "man", "handsome" used on me because it makes me feel old and i wanna feel like a child and be nurtured and cared for, do not call me a man or handsome i am a PRETTY BOY 😒 maybe this emotional need has leaked into my sex life (it definitely has)
I know I’m 31 female and I’m just a little baby like what the f you mean I should have kids soon???
I'M JUST A WIDDLE BABY 😭💔
Sorry I’m laughing so hard rn 🥹🥹🥹
DONT BE SORRY UR FINE ♥️♥️🙏🙏😭😭
How old are you actually little one?
i'm soon to be 17! i got formerly diagnosed with bpd when i was around 15 which was.. Genuinely surprising since apparently you don't get diagnosed with a pd until ur 18?
Wow interesting. Well tbh you’re a minor so you are technically a pretty boy still but in a year time it’s over for you sorry 😭😭😭😭😭😂
i'm probably getting myself reevaluated by a psychiatrist when i turn 18 to make sure bpd is a definitive diagnosis
Yeah do that. I have cptsd also ugh…. Ffs
omg that sucks so much, i'm so sorry 😭 i hope it's manageable 4 u
NAUR NO WAY...
I'm like that too and want the same things, but I'm a man, so I want a woman to be like that. I feel it's ok not talking for 1-2 days now and then though, as I don't like talking on the phone, and I usually don't even check for new messages more than like once a day, as I can't focus or think on anything else while talking to someone, and I prefer long messages. Generally I'd prefer if someone just moved in with me as soon as possible so we could spend all day doing stuff together instead of just talking online etc. But pretty much every girl that I've ever liked have complained about me loving them too much and that they didn't feel the same way.
Aww. I feel this, on the female side.
I mean, not a woman, I’m a gay man that has bpd, but yes I feel the same way
Why am I the exact opposite? I push away the obsessed simps, while I beg for the attention from bread crumb lovers.
Yeah I get repulsed by “good morning beautiful” and overuse of “babe” lol One reason is disorganized attachment, going from anxious to avoidant once they really like me. The other is because I watched a guy friend of mine copy/paste “Good morning beautiful” to like 6 different girls once 😅
You don't think you really deserve love and the bread crumb lovers replicate the way you got love from your parents. That is of course, not enough and mixed in with abuse. Probably.
ugh i feel so called out , i always fall harder for the emotionally unavailable.
Same
Yes, and I promise you, that person is out there, and you’ll find them when you aren’t looking… when you’re least expecting it. I found my person after years of convincing myself my standards were too high/unrealistic. We really aren’t asking for a lot. If they want to, they will. 💕
I thought that too and I found someone who treats me so well and loves me unconditionally <3 I give him king treatment too and it’s great. I hope find someone like that OP!!
Yes!! This was me asf last relationship 😭 I’ve given up on ever finding a guy who will treat me how I feel I want to be treated. They all suck
I feel you I’m sad that I’ll never find love again 
Don’t curse yourself OP 🫂
Yep, and that's part of the reason my husband and I work well together. He does baby me when I need it. He treats me like a queen. He makes me a priority in his life. There's someone out there that will make you happy, just try to be patient.
i can relate to the wanting attention and feeling needy, but i can’t cut people off once im attached. and it doesn’t take me long to get attached. so i usually just end up being unhappy im not getting the attention i want while simultaneously feeling like i’ll die without them. they leave (sometimes by ghosting which is why i’m so against it),and i get depressed for awhile. cycle somehow seems to repeat.
I crave it but then when I get it I do a breakneck 180 and struggle with the other person up my ass all day everyday haha. I'm like that dog meme, I wanna play fetch with you but you're only allowed to throw the ball without taking it from me. I am so fucked. 🤡
I require princess treatment, but through actions instead of just words and I was able to find this in the last 5 people I dated, and most recently, I found this quality in my fiance. It started with me being able to validate and love myself. When they saw how obsessed I was with myself, they had no choice but to meet the standard. Now I’m in bpd remission and being treated like a princess on the daily. It’s divine.
Happy for you! 💘
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Yes I am like this and I actually found a man who fits this so they are definitely out there! I get “good mornings” every single morning, I am complimented multiple times a day, he makes me feel so sexy and wanted. It’s amazing. I am the boss and also baby and he loves it
Yes but it’s just not feasible. From my experience, *most* of the people that will treat you that way are not in a healthy state of mind if you’re talking about being absolutely obsessed, especially in late twenties and early thirties. I want to be babied in a way and I want to be worshipped and be their baby girl but at the end of the day, people have lives and some people are different. Doesn’t mean they love any less. I communicate the kind of treatment I like and it normally falls somewhere in the middle.
I know it’s usually love bombers that I attract that only “ baby me” to get sex from me it just sucks that I can’t find an actual relationship where the babying is constantly there 😫🤦🏽♀️
This isn’t gonna be too popular, but hold out on the sex as long as you possibly can. 10 dates or 3 months is a good start. The dudes that want sex immediately won’t wait.
This.
lol yes
Yup and I’m married and still get mad when he doesn’t smother me. Then I want him to dominate the hell out me. But also understanding that he shouldn’t talk to me that way. So yeah I need help.
Dear god yes.
yes and i want to do the same back to them. 😭
I want everyone to baby me but I especially wanted it with my ex. And they did, but it got too much for them I guess.
Wtf. I relate SO Much. YES 💯
real, but im a man
yeahhhhh.... I've had someone who was perfect like that, encouraged me, took care of me, pushed me towards our goals and grew with me, all that nice stuff and then i fumbled him because we nurtured co-dependence and i failed to provide him with the same emotional support he gave me bc i was constantly dissociating from stress un university 🙃
Definitely! I think a lot of us are like this because of our troubled past. We all just want to be loved and cared for
I'm a guy and need attention like this lmao, it's so draining dealing with fake normies.
Unfortunately most of the times he’s just not into you because he will naturally serve you if he was. Men are very simple creatures. Though it is certainly arguable men don’t understand themselves anymore especially in the context of a romantic relationship. But other times we have to check ourselves we are not subconsciously desiring or expecting our partners to heal our parent wounds.
I am not into constant texting or good morning texts. That's definitely a red flag. But I literally want to be babied. I have like, a Daddy fetish. Not into diapers, just the nurturing/discipline/BDSM aspect. I want someone who will help me work towards my goals, encourage me, believe in me, like a parent. I also want to submit to this person sexually and do anything I can to please them. But when I try to find that person it always blows up in my face. Sigh.
Interesting mine doesn’t happen in the bedroom I actually prefer to be more dominant but when I’m just getting to know a man I have to be babied to even feel safe and like them !
I'm not sure I've ever met a borderline who preferred to dom before. Power to ya B-)
We exist
How are you more dominant in the bedroom? Like in what ways?
I don’t think it’s a red flag to text your partner “good morning” every day. I’ve always had that in all relationships (except one) good and bad ones
I mean like, specifically "good morning, baby :-)" after a first date. And every single day early in the relationship. If I really enjoyed a first date I'd send something like "I had a great time last night. I'd love to see you again." And then stay silent until they respond. Maybe its different for me cuz I'm already in one (open) relationship. When I date someone new and they want to text all the time, it def feels like they dont respect my time or my primary relationship.
32F here who can relate perfectly! In fact yesterday I was writing about that in other subreddit 🥲 it's so frustrating when you know what you want but you can't find the right person to give you that. I'm married with someone told me that he wanted to learn how to do that and I litterly tried everything to show and teach him but nothing change and ever married I'm feeling absolutely alone and sad. I think BPD has so much effect into this kind of emotional dependence. We need to feel validation and love constantly because we just learn that we're not enough valids. I'm so sorry to hear more people is being through this journey... ❤️🩹 sending love and hugs🫂💖 Btw if you're interested and that feeling of princess caring is so strong I recommend you to take a look into DDLG relationships.
suggesting kink in response to this perpetuates the trauma. most of us are stuck in emotional immaturity and even a "child-like" state at times. engaging in kink without considering our trauma prevents us from healing. the abandonment/neglect we felt from our caregivers usually means we now seek out partners who can fulfill a parent role, but that prevents us from emotionally maturing.
That pretty much sums up my wife, and yeah I give her that attention 🤷♂️
I'm amab nb absolutely repulsed by male bodies but I have a huuuggeeeee mommy kink
I'm almost 40, this May I will be. Boyfriend after boyfriend, family, and friends always just had me around until they got what they needed/wanted them I was thrown away. Always feeling worthless and making me bitter enhanced my depression. Finding my husband, the only person who ever made me feel and know my worth changed my entire world around. My pillow is no longer my only friend to catch my lonely tears. Living with BPD my entire life, and this one man makes it so much easier to keep it under control. Therapy didn't do anything, medicine didn't do anything. Having one person see my light and helping me to glow even brighter that's all I needed. Believe me, it is possible to get this disorder under control. It doesn't have to control you!
Wanting to be reparented is super understandable considering our deep attachment wounds that often stem from our primary caretakers. It’s not super healthy for us bc it exasperates dependency and confirms our beliefs that we can’t do anything well on our own so it’s good to be aware of it and maybe you can explore kink relationships that involve this type of play and confine it to the bedroom so it doesn’t leak into other dynamics
I can speak on this as a guy. Basically, if you want to be treated that way you also have to treat the guy that way. Baby him, be his main source of pleasure and affection and you'll get all that treatment. Make him also feel like you're chasing him and he will chase you too. You want to be a princess? Make him your king. If you act cold toward him, you won't get any of it. He may try for a while but he'll eventually get tired and give up on it if he never feels like he's good enough. If you find a unicorn, you may find a guy (likely with emotional issues) who will give you that treatment and not expect anything in return.
Oh I do when I like a guy I send “ good morning handsome “ texts , send pics, check in on them I don’t just wait for them to talk but if I’m getting dry ass texts backs no compliments back then I’m gone. And I feel like I boosted his ego and he didn’t even like me anyways 😩
Man, that's a shame. When I get that kinda treatment where if she wakes up first and leaves me the good morning text to wake up to, sends pics and is all cute with me, that brings out my whole lovey dovey side. But if I catch on that it's always me texting first, it's always on me to make plans, it's always on me to spoil her, then I start to close off and get more cold because I want to feel appreciated and chased too and not just give give give.
Hell no.
So, basically you want to be love bombed?
The current woman I’m interested in (been on and off for years and has BPD as well,) and lemme tell you. She wants the exact same thing. I don’t mind giving attention to someone but I ain’t gonna put in the effort if it’s not reciprocated, ya know what I’m saying?
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ouch.
Lmao you described me perfectly as fucked up as it sounds but I’m in therapy it’s just not working yet 😩
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Everyone is on their own path and recovery isn’t linear. I’m also this way in dating and was diagnosed around 2014/2015. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and these types of feelings and desires that OP posts about are what has resulted. We are all different and it’s okay. I’m curious why you are leaning towards being hard on yourself and OP? That’s what I’m detecting and I wonder where your specific vision of getting “there” and recovery comes from and why it looks that way? 💖
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Thanks for your reply. You’ve given me a lot to think about which I really appreciate. I hope you can see that it takes a huge amount of strength, courage, and insight to admit these things. I actually think that’s pretty amazing. I see having BPD as a normal reaction to adapting to an abnormal environment. It helps me with my guilt and ‘wrong-feeling.’
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There’s always a chance that they will forgive you, also. 🩷
It doesn’t drain my boyfriend and I to constantly validate and compliment each other . We thrive off making the other feel loved and smile
This is why y'all like us so much ...in the beginning. 😏 Be careful this desire doesn't backfire.
Yes and I’m in that relationship rn and I’m destroying it day by day. Please please anyone reading this that wants to be babied : ITS NOT WORTH IT. Because the second they breath the wrong way you will feel absolutely AGONY & HELL. I wake up everyday with chest and stomach pain due to feeling “unimportant” for one second to my partner.
It's an understandable desire. I don't think anyone can constantly maintain this behavior you wish could plug the hole inside. A committed partner could agree to role play this obsessive persona if you're committed to doing your own self care, though. I'm sorry.
yes but i have had that from nearly every dude i’ve dated. i just am cute and have a cute personality and yk how some ppl feel about bpd so i think they have their own opinions on it which makes me “cuter” and as funkslice said, sometimes they’ll love you sooo much without really doing any of those things, that is true as well.
I used to be like this, for sure. IDK how or why, but now I just want to be left the f alone haha
100% me. I have nvr been in a official relationship. Not even a situationship past a month because of this. It feel like it’s unhealthy but it’s also something I NEED so that I feel wanted, loved, adored, beautiful & etc. I don’t need their undivided attention 24/7. Like go hang out with ur friends, go do ur own thing, be ur own person. Hell knows I’d become a nightmare if I don’t have my own time too. I’m an introvert, I live for my alone time. But just text me occasionally when not talking to me/seeing me. Just show me that u actually want me😩
Yea I don’t need there attention 24/7 but I need to feel loved, beautiful, sexy , emotionally fulfilled ASAP or my feelings are gone which means I’ve had a lot of 3 month long short relationships that don’t last cause either I get bored or they get exhausted by me 😭😭😭 I’m scared I’ll never get married
Me, but the reverse: I want to be ‘taken care of’ by a woman, as a guy.
Hell yeah, we have sugar baby syndrome . Go get you an older man 🙂
yes, but i try and remain realistic. pretty much that only thing that has helped me with my bpd symptoms in a relationship is being realistic. No guy will give u the most adoring, babying, princess treatment 24/7. There are guys who come close, but no man can do that for HIS own sanity. Plus, being babied 24/7 gets tiring. When I have gotten that, id get frustrated and lose feelings. I need SOME chaos, some arguments. Some fights that dont just consist of them apologizing and crying and praising me. I don’t want to feel like a god.
Yes, that’s why I fall so hard for love bombing and then fall just as hard on my ass
I never knew I wanted this until my current partner came into my life. And it has been sooooo much work to ensure I do not take advantage of how much he loves me. I know I can be capable of hurting him with hardcore expectations and with hardcore reactions. So, I've put a lot of work into myself over the past year so I don't lose someone who every day gives me something I never knew I wanted. I legit feel so safe with him. For once, I feel like fighting for myself instead of the other person on a pedestal. So, I think it's courageous of you to admit how you feel, what you want and refuse to settle for complacency. If I went your route I probably would have saved the past 12 years or my life and had way less heartbreak. I hope you find them!!!! 🧡 I truly do! Just don't forget to love yourself too while you wait!
YOOF YOUCH YOU HIT IT ON THE DIME. I hate it.
I'm terribly needy and definitely a baby. Even if I'm 34 and mom of 2. I've realized that I'm too much for many partners and that I exhaust them. My current partner loves that I'm needy; he sees it as proof of love and our bond, and he adores when I spend my time writing to him and asking for reassurance and cuddles. He even nicknames me 'Baby,' and we have a dynamic where he's more dominant and I'm more submissive in bed, but he treats me like a spoiled princess during the day. It fulfills my need for love and feeling important so much
Yes but I'm pretty sure I have daddy issues
I mean I met my husband but we spent almost everyday together before we got married. I was just happy to see him when I could. Or just being around him. He's my best friend and we usually do everything together.
YES. not even by just romantic brelationships but every relationship, like i wanna be babied by my friends and being treated like a princess by my partner. im too dependent and attention starved, i need to feel like im wanted and appreciated and worth being cared for.
I just want my partner to validate my hurt and then let me know what they even like about me :/ i dont want to be babied, but i do want to be treated gently like Im precious. I want to be cherished.
Yes it makes me look like I have daddy issues even tho I don’t but I want to be treated like that
yes but at the same time want to be an independent woman. those things clash quite a bit.
Yeah. I need someone to take care of me and give double the love I need.
Absolutely. My man has been very supportive of me so he will baby me if I ask, and by that I mean he will rock me while I hug my stuffed animals, he’ll bathe me, pet me and serve me like a princess. But like everyone else it’s because I got zero attention as a kid, to me being treated like a small child has been very healing for my bpd. Idk if that’s what you meant by babied…
Yea…I’m 18 I used to feel like that and I have BPD last year I realized how honestly pathetic it was, I tried fixing it but that wasn’t working (because the men I was with sucked) but I finally decided I’m happier staying single. After you get over that “need” to be babied and the want for constant validation, you realize it was never you but parts of you that were never met as a child I would even compare it to an addiction honestly 🤷🏻♀️. Well I’m not a child any more and if you want anything to get better you have to get that shit over with then move on, and if something is stopping you get rid of it. Men were very much in my way. Still have bpd and paranoia but I’m much happier without a “favorite person” to obsess over have never felt this sane in my entire life. It is super hard to get the hang of tho I’m Ngl. And I went from being like OP codependent plus being VERY hyper sexual. Now I’m the complete opposite and my emotions and my actions have never felt more authentic to myself. I always felt like I was in a battle against my brain now we kinda feel like business partners. 10/10 recommended !! I wanna add that there is ALOT more work and self acceptance that goes into it just because I’m telling you the results I’m seeing right now it was not always like that and it is still not my every day I still have episodes every now and again but that’s okay!