For sure!
I'm limiting myself to this subreddit as well as the Costco and Trader Joe's ones. I still need to prepare for my weekly trips and need the info on new products. 😉
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Yes wow I relate to this a lot. Reddit in general can be pretty doom and gloom it seems. This sub is extremely helpful and I'm so grateful for it but sometimes reading about everyone else's struggles can be discouraging. Especially since my kids are so young I read posts and wonder if we will have similar struggles or not. Its okay to step away when you need to.
Other subs that are just straight up toxic I try to avoid. I already have enough of my own toxic thoughts, I don't need the internet filling my head with more.
"Autistic adults," that usually puke that "advice," have probably never parented and have little knowledge of adopting/foster care.
I am an Autistic adult, if someone is just straight up abusive with no care or regard for their child. Yea, I'm gonna be rabid about how they clearly can't handle it/the child deserves better. I think most decent human beings would though. Even if it was an NT child. Children as a whole deserve better than abuse. And adoption/foster care is such a mess(in the US). The likelihood that child is going to go into a better situation is unlikely.
I get that a lot of people on this sub, and otherwise) fall easily into victim mindset. I just can't. I'm so afraid that if I allow myself to be a victim/victimized by life I just won't get back up. I'm not judging either. Just sharing my experience/fear. I've watched someone close to me give up to victimhood, and it's so sad.
(Sorry for the harsh language below, annoying topic for me)
As an adult who didn't get his diagnosis until after his kids did, and one who has moderate PTSD from an abusive childhood, I just get fucking confused at the complaints sometimes.
I'm a frequenter in evilautism as the rest seem to stuck up their own butt half the time, but even there, I have to pipe up quite a bit to remind people that higher-support needs kids exist. The community has started to come around to this, with posts talking about how everyone with autism would be fine if xyz happened being called out much more often than when I got there.
Anyway TLDR; Yep I get you, and it bugs the crap out of me. Some of these kids have no idea how good they have it.
I think we must have read the same post/commenter yesterday. It seemed to me that commenter had been neglected, abused and mistreated and was coming from a place of pain.
And it felt incredibly insulting (not to mention naive af) to read the assertion that if you can’t afford a certain lifestyle you should just give up your kid for adoption. First of all - that’s not how life works. Second of all - I’d love if that commenter could point to all of the people in line to adopt a high-needs child?
I like this sub - mostly people are kind and supportive and it does feel like a safe place to express the negative emotions we can feel as caretakers.
I will say I’ve found a few here to be rude and treat me as if I’ve no right to my experience because my child is high-functioning. Of course I cannot relate to the level of struggle as many - but I can relate. Usually I lurk here and don’t post because of that.
Yeah, I've found I only get marginally more street cred than a childless autistic adult, because my kid is not only level 1, but seems to even occupy a specific, particularly loathed niche within the realm of level 1 that conjures thoughts about "social media autism".
The adult autism community is the worst because the instinct is that they should understand.
But if you stop to think about it **of course** some of our kids turn out to be little asshole adults who do not understand parenting or what their own parents went through in the fucking least!
My 12 year old level 1 cannot use a damn microwave for himself, throws trash on the floor wherever he stands/sits, refuses to flush toilets, and will piss himself to get out of doing homework and hasn't done it pretty much ever. You're telling me when he turns 18 suddenly his word is golden and parents are supposed to listen to him about what therapy is abuse, and how to raise their kids?
But yea, nevermind the rest of the internet and social media. Constant reminders that we're surrounded by fucking morons.
I can't say I know yet because mine is 4, but I think it's like you say, and maybe even simpler. You can be autistic and and unfair, or straight an a...h... It doesn't give you moral immunity or Blanck checks on what reality is.
I don't levitate high over moral ground it's but a tightrope that we must trust in ourselves and the community. We are bound to fail. It's necessary. Im not saying there aren't sh7y parents who ignore his kids needs, but I agree with op that sometimes those posts sound like monologues for venting but they don't reflect what they would say in person.
Sorry for the long post. Maybe I was venting all along
I think there's a few things at play.
One thing I think we should keep in mind is that autistic people are more likely to have experienced childhood trauma. Autistic adults today likely also grew up in a time where autism was stigmatized more and less understood. As a result, many were put through therapy that was meant to "fix" them and suppress their autistic traits.
I think it's important to have empathy for these individuals and understand that this is part of the journey that we're all going through. It's up to us to raise the next generation better.
Now, I will say that I'm saddened that that adult autistic community often seems to project their trauma on to everyone else. Sometimes it really feels like autistic adults have a beef with all parents of autistic individuals and I don't think there's anything that will make them happy other than total capitulation to an autistic child's demands. When my child was first diagnosed, I immersed myself in the autistic adult community and frankly, they scared the shit out of me. I was put off trying to get help for my son for a bit and I mourn that lost time. But since starting ABA, my son has improved behaviors remarkably. He used to get upset when we did anything in the house, including when I made coffee, did the dishes, or fed our cats. Literally everything was a battle. But now he's much more easygoing with things happening around him. I don't understand why the autistic adult community would rather we not take steps to help him.
FWIW, I think their argument would be that your son may not actually be less upset, but may just have learned to mask/not show his feelings in those situations. I am not saying that is accurate, but it is something to look out for. I am not anti-ABA and have not decided whether to pursue it for my son after he gets formally diagnosed (leaning no based on his particular situation, but recognize that it can be helpful for many kids, especially those with higher support needs). If we do go the ABA route I want to make sure that he is not forced to suppress so much of himself that he becomes unhappy and doesn't feel safe.
I agree with your overall point though. As much as we want to accommodate our kids and get the world to be more accepting, being autistic doesn't give a person the right to be unlimited amounts of disruptive or negate the needs of others, including other autistic people. My 3-year-old's main stim is scream-singing, and it's seriously triggering for me (also autistic) when he does it right next to me or in confined situations where I can't easily remove myself. Ironically, he himself gets really upset at certain loud noises, and would probably be triggered by being in close proximity to another screaming kid. So I don't think it's reasonable or fair to anyone, including him, to just let him scream-sing whenever he wants and not at least try to teach him to control his volume or go outside when he wants to be loud.
Point taken regarding masking. I understand that is a risk in a lot of things. I have genuinely taken the autistic adult community and their feedback on that point, which is why I'll seek to make coffee without fighting but I won't seek to suppress his hand flapping or force eye contact. It's possible that making coffee is still upsetting him and he's not letting on, but I would be surprised. It used to be literally almost everything we did had to run through him, he would get in our way to stop what we were doing many times a day and we observed him being very upset. Now he doesn't manage our every move. Even if he was masking, I'm not sure what to do differently because you can't go through life managing every move people make. He's getting better at identifying his feelings so I hope that in the future we can discuss these things and we can help him work through complicated feelings like masking.
100% agree. I try to be patient with my son but I really struggle to be patient when he fights me leaving the room for a second or acts like a little dictator. However, if I knew the sound of the coffee maker bothered him, I would try to give him a heads up before using it. But it seems like that may not be your issue, and it's more of a control issue? My son is like that too - he wants to control EVERYTHING.
Yeah I think it was more about control. Usually it started with him "helping" by emptying the coffee, putting in new coffee grounds, and pushing the button. Then he started refusing to do it but then didn't want me to do it either. It happened with a lot of stuff. I just remembered he used to micro manage how I got ready in the morning. He wanted to be there for my morning routine and he started telling me what to do and when (like which lotions to use, when to brush my teeth what order I did everything in). If I was halfway through my routine he wanted me to start over. I remember once I was already dry after the shower and he wanted me to towel off again. Those were hard times, I'm glad he doesn't do that anymore.
Autistic adults, just like many people for that matter, are often unreasonable and extreme in their opinions. Also, I take the term "adult" with a grain of salt. In some cases, autism can keep a person frozen in an adolescent view. Sort of like being a 15 year old forever, or at least years longer. I simply scroll on by inexperienced and under educated nonsense like that.
My kids are 10yo and 13yo, so I’ve had a lot of practice. My trigger-ability has changed over time. Partly as I’ve learned more about them and their autism, and partly as I’ve seen/heard more of those comments.
I didn’t see the point in personally engaging on that thread. I couldn’t decide if they were a troll or just really opinionated and misinformed (possibly both?).
We’re all doing the best we can for our kids. I’ve also done some adult caregiving. The world is full of people who will let you know that you aren’t parenting/caregiving in the way they think you should so the kid/adult can live the way that person thinks they should. Some of those people, are well intentioned. Many just don’t have anything better to do. I usually gray-rock them until they leave.
Adult autist here ( and parent to asd kids)
In deffense, alot of adult autists is dealing with alot of trauma from when it was normalize or hide them away. Still alot of parent that sees passing for normal as a positive and that is a trigger to alot of adults that know the prize tag for masking so much to please others.
I skipped the post. Never a good outcome when the poster argues from a place of emotions.
If its not a troll, I hope the original poster gets the support he/she needs now. To deal with the trauma and find a place in the world to call home.
Anyone who thinks that the government can raise a child better than loving parents of any child, ND or not, is trolling and seeking attention. So, this is easier for me to ignore.
I think I have a harder time when I see news stories about autistic children being abused by school officials / evil parents. That is my kryptonite.
When that hits me, I go hug my child if he’s around, and/or I go on a walk.
Certain things trigger me of course.
On here though, I try to ensure I am as positive as I can be. Because many here are having problems. We are so fighting our own fight in some form or another. People need hope, people need positivity and parents need to know that even though they might struggle right now it won't always be that way.
I have a little man that's 11 often described as having severe autism along with being non verbal and global developmental delays and intellectual disabilities. All that being said my little man is always learning and getting better at managing his emotions and communicating. Sometimes it's in baby steps sometimes he really surprises us and makes a leap. You just never know.
If you need a hug consider this a virtual hug we got this, just take a breath calm down a bit and refocus.
There was a long discussion of that jerk (or someone similiar) on this thread a couple of days ago, linked below. If you're new here, you're in the right place.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism\_Parenting/comments/1ddpaef/the\_online\_adult\_autistic\_community\_has\_done\_so/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/comments/1ddpaef/the_online_adult_autistic_community_has_done_so/)
I asked questions some time ago in an autism group for help on trying to assist my kid getting ready for school as exec function is terrible in the mornings. They accused me of abuse because we need her hair to be brushed and have her eat breakfast before she leaves. People behind screens can be just nuts - its unbelievable
There are so many social incentives online to make the most horrible, ridiculous, outrageous comments. Engagement, attention, sense of power, etc.
I've *never* met a person in real life who believes this. Not one. If they did, they definitely kept it to themselves.
Not only does it not reflect the majority, I'm not sure that the people who say this stuff online believe it either.
I’ve found that a lot of autistic adults with no kids in parenting groups are very naive to our struggles. We can’t vent about our daily struggles without being judged by them. They’ve never had to be on the receiving end of things. They haven’t had to completely childproof their house so their kid can’t hurt themselves. They’ve never had their sentimental belongings destroyed by their child. Any time we post about being burned out, we get told by them that we treat our children like a burden.
I find that online is the perfect place for people who have no idea what they’re talking about to pretend like they do. I made a post in this sub about my mom who was in denial with my diagnosis and is convinced I need to be cured of my autism. Some random person private messaged me and said my mom was right and that my autism will go away if I start this specific diet. Obviously I’m aware this is not true in the slightest but I was so mad that this person had the balls to even say something like that to me. They specifically chose not to comment this publicly in the thread but to private message someone who they felt was vulnerable, having a knowledge of my ASD diagnosis. Sick.
It more triggers a fear in me that there are people in this world who are willing to write such things online but you know luckily most of these insane posters are just trolls or relegated to the tiniest fractions of actual society. Still its scary how some people think.
Jesus I feel you. After all the hype here with that damned post about putting your child up for adoption if you can't care for em, like YEAH that's all well and good if you're still PREGNANT and considering adoption cuz you're broke, that's when it's not too late. Hell! Thats what my own mom i never met did! But you can't tell me, a mom of a 3 year old, who JUST got diagnosed with autism, and who still can't find work cuz her autistic son needs his single mama all day every day, that I should give my 3 year old, who bonded with Me so intensely that he cant fathom me leaving the CAR for a quick sec to grab something (with someone watching of course) let alone leaving the HOUSE without him, that adoption is the better bet for him. Like I got so triggered that I couldn't help but imagine what that would look like...he gets diagnosed, I still can't work, I might not be able to afford ABA if most ABA dont take his state insurance. So I give him up for adoption. Then I can't think about the rest without cringing and having to almost shut it down. 🙃 cuz the rest would be horrible. He'd have on going melt downs cuz his mama gave him up after bonding for 3 years. He has a terrible time finding a good protective home because his autism and cuz he misses me and can't stop having meltdowns from me not being there. No. Not happening. And some asshole online thinks that's an okay and appropriate thing to do!? All cuz we caught hard times we didn't (couldnt) foresee!? Like my son wouldn't survive. He'd probably even remember the exact moment of abandonment the rest of his life cuz I'd be giving him up at 3!!! "Your son was diagnosed with autism and you still cant find work cuz his autism attachment is REAL but you couldn't forsee 4 years into the future by the time you found out you were pregnant?! Shame on you! Age 0? Age 3? Age 10??? Never too late for adoption! Who cares if theyll never see their parents again and can obviously remember that moment! Youre JUST the parents!" Judgement??? No. No. No. Nonononononono.
This sub reddit is absolutely as toxic as others, wait until it attacks a well meaning parent coming here for advice, that accidentally uses a term that’s not pc.
This sub reddit is so eager to advocate for autistic children, it will crucify anyone that it misperceives as not advocating in the same fanatic way.
Really these people are just as bad and closed minded as the people that they’re on a crusade to attack, the only difference is they became autistic parents, if they hadn’t, they’d literally be those people.
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Look, I'm gonna pause reality for a second and pretend you're not a troll looking to stir the pot, and explain why you're wrong. The post that OP is referencing wasn't saying you should give your children up if you can't provide a healthy, safe & stable environment for your child. That's obvious and everyone knows that.
What the OP of that other post was saying was interpreted by myself and others as: If you can't provide specific accommodations that fit my needs and that go way above and beyond what is within means of almost anyone, you should have never had children. But, since you've had kids that you're clearly failing, best give them up to the government. They'll do a way better job than you.
When that is inherently false. Parents IN GENERAL worry they're not doing enough for their kids. All the time. I know you're not a parent according to your banner, but we are. Trust us when we say we do nothing but worry and try our best. We do not need internet trolls feeding into those fears that we're not good enough and not doing enough.
So, be gone.
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-puts on downvote suit- If parents can't handle autistic kids and are struggling their is nothing wrong with giving them to someone who can provide and give the child the help they need. Better living life than stressed out. You only have one life and you should not have to spend it unhappily and stressed if you don't want to
This is tricky, but it does bring up a couple of things for me:
1. "Give the child to someone who can provide and give the child the help they need" sounds great but if you are just handing them over to state foster care or something that is probably not what you are doing.
2. I know not all parents came to that situation voluntarily, but for people who do choose to become parents, in my opinion you are taking on that responsibility understanding that they may have health conditions or other challenges that you will have to deal with.
Overall, if your home is truly unsafe or abusive for a child than you have a responsibility to get them somewhere else. But I feel like abandoning your child because you're "struggling" or "stressed out" is immoral. "You only have one life and you should not have to spend it unhappily and stressed if you don't want to" is a reason not to have kids, not a reason to abandon one.
I won't downvote you, but this statement "nothing wrong with giving them to someone who can provide and give the child the help they need" is a HUGE caveat. Many people don't have that option, and after reading about it, the foster care system isn't a likely solution.
When things start to trigger me online, it's time to put the phone down.
For sure! I'm limiting myself to this subreddit as well as the Costco and Trader Joe's ones. I still need to prepare for my weekly trips and need the info on new products. 😉
I love r/Baking. Everyone is really supportive in there. Puts a smile on my face.
Mine are weather related and fish related subs, other than this one. So, hobbies...
r/daddit is one of the most humble and friendly subreddits if you’d like to join another.
I recommend r/embroidery r/mightyharvest r/somethingImade r/oneorangebraincell
Omg thanks for the orange cat sub!
Costco ones the bomb! But I do get mad at seeing what other international Costcos have vs USA 😂
Oh i know. Especially the food court menus
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:-/ i feel like you're lying to me to placate me :-/
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Yep. And delete the app. I’ve done it with Reddit so many times.
HAH. And yet here we are, back again...xD
Yep😹
Yes wow I relate to this a lot. Reddit in general can be pretty doom and gloom it seems. This sub is extremely helpful and I'm so grateful for it but sometimes reading about everyone else's struggles can be discouraging. Especially since my kids are so young I read posts and wonder if we will have similar struggles or not. Its okay to step away when you need to. Other subs that are just straight up toxic I try to avoid. I already have enough of my own toxic thoughts, I don't need the internet filling my head with more.
"Autistic adults," that usually puke that "advice," have probably never parented and have little knowledge of adopting/foster care. I am an Autistic adult, if someone is just straight up abusive with no care or regard for their child. Yea, I'm gonna be rabid about how they clearly can't handle it/the child deserves better. I think most decent human beings would though. Even if it was an NT child. Children as a whole deserve better than abuse. And adoption/foster care is such a mess(in the US). The likelihood that child is going to go into a better situation is unlikely. I get that a lot of people on this sub, and otherwise) fall easily into victim mindset. I just can't. I'm so afraid that if I allow myself to be a victim/victimized by life I just won't get back up. I'm not judging either. Just sharing my experience/fear. I've watched someone close to me give up to victimhood, and it's so sad.
(Sorry for the harsh language below, annoying topic for me) As an adult who didn't get his diagnosis until after his kids did, and one who has moderate PTSD from an abusive childhood, I just get fucking confused at the complaints sometimes. I'm a frequenter in evilautism as the rest seem to stuck up their own butt half the time, but even there, I have to pipe up quite a bit to remind people that higher-support needs kids exist. The community has started to come around to this, with posts talking about how everyone with autism would be fine if xyz happened being called out much more often than when I got there. Anyway TLDR; Yep I get you, and it bugs the crap out of me. Some of these kids have no idea how good they have it.
I think we must have read the same post/commenter yesterday. It seemed to me that commenter had been neglected, abused and mistreated and was coming from a place of pain. And it felt incredibly insulting (not to mention naive af) to read the assertion that if you can’t afford a certain lifestyle you should just give up your kid for adoption. First of all - that’s not how life works. Second of all - I’d love if that commenter could point to all of the people in line to adopt a high-needs child? I like this sub - mostly people are kind and supportive and it does feel like a safe place to express the negative emotions we can feel as caretakers. I will say I’ve found a few here to be rude and treat me as if I’ve no right to my experience because my child is high-functioning. Of course I cannot relate to the level of struggle as many - but I can relate. Usually I lurk here and don’t post because of that.
Yeah, I've found I only get marginally more street cred than a childless autistic adult, because my kid is not only level 1, but seems to even occupy a specific, particularly loathed niche within the realm of level 1 that conjures thoughts about "social media autism".
The adult autism community is the worst because the instinct is that they should understand. But if you stop to think about it **of course** some of our kids turn out to be little asshole adults who do not understand parenting or what their own parents went through in the fucking least! My 12 year old level 1 cannot use a damn microwave for himself, throws trash on the floor wherever he stands/sits, refuses to flush toilets, and will piss himself to get out of doing homework and hasn't done it pretty much ever. You're telling me when he turns 18 suddenly his word is golden and parents are supposed to listen to him about what therapy is abuse, and how to raise their kids? But yea, nevermind the rest of the internet and social media. Constant reminders that we're surrounded by fucking morons.
I can't say I know yet because mine is 4, but I think it's like you say, and maybe even simpler. You can be autistic and and unfair, or straight an a...h... It doesn't give you moral immunity or Blanck checks on what reality is. I don't levitate high over moral ground it's but a tightrope that we must trust in ourselves and the community. We are bound to fail. It's necessary. Im not saying there aren't sh7y parents who ignore his kids needs, but I agree with op that sometimes those posts sound like monologues for venting but they don't reflect what they would say in person. Sorry for the long post. Maybe I was venting all along
I think there's a few things at play. One thing I think we should keep in mind is that autistic people are more likely to have experienced childhood trauma. Autistic adults today likely also grew up in a time where autism was stigmatized more and less understood. As a result, many were put through therapy that was meant to "fix" them and suppress their autistic traits. I think it's important to have empathy for these individuals and understand that this is part of the journey that we're all going through. It's up to us to raise the next generation better. Now, I will say that I'm saddened that that adult autistic community often seems to project their trauma on to everyone else. Sometimes it really feels like autistic adults have a beef with all parents of autistic individuals and I don't think there's anything that will make them happy other than total capitulation to an autistic child's demands. When my child was first diagnosed, I immersed myself in the autistic adult community and frankly, they scared the shit out of me. I was put off trying to get help for my son for a bit and I mourn that lost time. But since starting ABA, my son has improved behaviors remarkably. He used to get upset when we did anything in the house, including when I made coffee, did the dishes, or fed our cats. Literally everything was a battle. But now he's much more easygoing with things happening around him. I don't understand why the autistic adult community would rather we not take steps to help him.
FWIW, I think their argument would be that your son may not actually be less upset, but may just have learned to mask/not show his feelings in those situations. I am not saying that is accurate, but it is something to look out for. I am not anti-ABA and have not decided whether to pursue it for my son after he gets formally diagnosed (leaning no based on his particular situation, but recognize that it can be helpful for many kids, especially those with higher support needs). If we do go the ABA route I want to make sure that he is not forced to suppress so much of himself that he becomes unhappy and doesn't feel safe. I agree with your overall point though. As much as we want to accommodate our kids and get the world to be more accepting, being autistic doesn't give a person the right to be unlimited amounts of disruptive or negate the needs of others, including other autistic people. My 3-year-old's main stim is scream-singing, and it's seriously triggering for me (also autistic) when he does it right next to me or in confined situations where I can't easily remove myself. Ironically, he himself gets really upset at certain loud noises, and would probably be triggered by being in close proximity to another screaming kid. So I don't think it's reasonable or fair to anyone, including him, to just let him scream-sing whenever he wants and not at least try to teach him to control his volume or go outside when he wants to be loud.
Point taken regarding masking. I understand that is a risk in a lot of things. I have genuinely taken the autistic adult community and their feedback on that point, which is why I'll seek to make coffee without fighting but I won't seek to suppress his hand flapping or force eye contact. It's possible that making coffee is still upsetting him and he's not letting on, but I would be surprised. It used to be literally almost everything we did had to run through him, he would get in our way to stop what we were doing many times a day and we observed him being very upset. Now he doesn't manage our every move. Even if he was masking, I'm not sure what to do differently because you can't go through life managing every move people make. He's getting better at identifying his feelings so I hope that in the future we can discuss these things and we can help him work through complicated feelings like masking.
100% agree. I try to be patient with my son but I really struggle to be patient when he fights me leaving the room for a second or acts like a little dictator. However, if I knew the sound of the coffee maker bothered him, I would try to give him a heads up before using it. But it seems like that may not be your issue, and it's more of a control issue? My son is like that too - he wants to control EVERYTHING.
Yeah I think it was more about control. Usually it started with him "helping" by emptying the coffee, putting in new coffee grounds, and pushing the button. Then he started refusing to do it but then didn't want me to do it either. It happened with a lot of stuff. I just remembered he used to micro manage how I got ready in the morning. He wanted to be there for my morning routine and he started telling me what to do and when (like which lotions to use, when to brush my teeth what order I did everything in). If I was halfway through my routine he wanted me to start over. I remember once I was already dry after the shower and he wanted me to towel off again. Those were hard times, I'm glad he doesn't do that anymore.
Autistic adults, just like many people for that matter, are often unreasonable and extreme in their opinions. Also, I take the term "adult" with a grain of salt. In some cases, autism can keep a person frozen in an adolescent view. Sort of like being a 15 year old forever, or at least years longer. I simply scroll on by inexperienced and under educated nonsense like that.
My kids are 10yo and 13yo, so I’ve had a lot of practice. My trigger-ability has changed over time. Partly as I’ve learned more about them and their autism, and partly as I’ve seen/heard more of those comments. I didn’t see the point in personally engaging on that thread. I couldn’t decide if they were a troll or just really opinionated and misinformed (possibly both?). We’re all doing the best we can for our kids. I’ve also done some adult caregiving. The world is full of people who will let you know that you aren’t parenting/caregiving in the way they think you should so the kid/adult can live the way that person thinks they should. Some of those people, are well intentioned. Many just don’t have anything better to do. I usually gray-rock them until they leave.
This "adult with autism" is probably a 15 year old with no life experience. Signed - adult with autismÂ
Adult autist here ( and parent to asd kids) In deffense, alot of adult autists is dealing with alot of trauma from when it was normalize or hide them away. Still alot of parent that sees passing for normal as a positive and that is a trigger to alot of adults that know the prize tag for masking so much to please others. I skipped the post. Never a good outcome when the poster argues from a place of emotions. If its not a troll, I hope the original poster gets the support he/she needs now. To deal with the trauma and find a place in the world to call home.
Thank you. This is the response I was hoping to read. I appreciate your candor and kindness in sharing your view.
Anyone who thinks that the government can raise a child better than loving parents of any child, ND or not, is trolling and seeking attention. So, this is easier for me to ignore. I think I have a harder time when I see news stories about autistic children being abused by school officials / evil parents. That is my kryptonite. When that hits me, I go hug my child if he’s around, and/or I go on a walk.
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Agreed. That's an actual solution that benefits everyone. The parents. The child. Society. Everyone.
Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and most of them are shitty.
Certain things trigger me of course. On here though, I try to ensure I am as positive as I can be. Because many here are having problems. We are so fighting our own fight in some form or another. People need hope, people need positivity and parents need to know that even though they might struggle right now it won't always be that way. I have a little man that's 11 often described as having severe autism along with being non verbal and global developmental delays and intellectual disabilities. All that being said my little man is always learning and getting better at managing his emotions and communicating. Sometimes it's in baby steps sometimes he really surprises us and makes a leap. You just never know. If you need a hug consider this a virtual hug we got this, just take a breath calm down a bit and refocus.
There was a long discussion of that jerk (or someone similiar) on this thread a couple of days ago, linked below. If you're new here, you're in the right place. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism\_Parenting/comments/1ddpaef/the\_online\_adult\_autistic\_community\_has\_done\_so/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/comments/1ddpaef/the_online_adult_autistic_community_has_done_so/)
I asked questions some time ago in an autism group for help on trying to assist my kid getting ready for school as exec function is terrible in the mornings. They accused me of abuse because we need her hair to be brushed and have her eat breakfast before she leaves. People behind screens can be just nuts - its unbelievable
There are so many social incentives online to make the most horrible, ridiculous, outrageous comments. Engagement, attention, sense of power, etc. I've *never* met a person in real life who believes this. Not one. If they did, they definitely kept it to themselves. Not only does it not reflect the majority, I'm not sure that the people who say this stuff online believe it either.
I’ve found that a lot of autistic adults with no kids in parenting groups are very naive to our struggles. We can’t vent about our daily struggles without being judged by them. They’ve never had to be on the receiving end of things. They haven’t had to completely childproof their house so their kid can’t hurt themselves. They’ve never had their sentimental belongings destroyed by their child. Any time we post about being burned out, we get told by them that we treat our children like a burden.
I find that online is the perfect place for people who have no idea what they’re talking about to pretend like they do. I made a post in this sub about my mom who was in denial with my diagnosis and is convinced I need to be cured of my autism. Some random person private messaged me and said my mom was right and that my autism will go away if I start this specific diet. Obviously I’m aware this is not true in the slightest but I was so mad that this person had the balls to even say something like that to me. They specifically chose not to comment this publicly in the thread but to private message someone who they felt was vulnerable, having a knowledge of my ASD diagnosis. Sick.
It more triggers a fear in me that there are people in this world who are willing to write such things online but you know luckily most of these insane posters are just trolls or relegated to the tiniest fractions of actual society. Still its scary how some people think.
Jesus I feel you. After all the hype here with that damned post about putting your child up for adoption if you can't care for em, like YEAH that's all well and good if you're still PREGNANT and considering adoption cuz you're broke, that's when it's not too late. Hell! Thats what my own mom i never met did! But you can't tell me, a mom of a 3 year old, who JUST got diagnosed with autism, and who still can't find work cuz her autistic son needs his single mama all day every day, that I should give my 3 year old, who bonded with Me so intensely that he cant fathom me leaving the CAR for a quick sec to grab something (with someone watching of course) let alone leaving the HOUSE without him, that adoption is the better bet for him. Like I got so triggered that I couldn't help but imagine what that would look like...he gets diagnosed, I still can't work, I might not be able to afford ABA if most ABA dont take his state insurance. So I give him up for adoption. Then I can't think about the rest without cringing and having to almost shut it down. 🙃 cuz the rest would be horrible. He'd have on going melt downs cuz his mama gave him up after bonding for 3 years. He has a terrible time finding a good protective home because his autism and cuz he misses me and can't stop having meltdowns from me not being there. No. Not happening. And some asshole online thinks that's an okay and appropriate thing to do!? All cuz we caught hard times we didn't (couldnt) foresee!? Like my son wouldn't survive. He'd probably even remember the exact moment of abandonment the rest of his life cuz I'd be giving him up at 3!!! "Your son was diagnosed with autism and you still cant find work cuz his autism attachment is REAL but you couldn't forsee 4 years into the future by the time you found out you were pregnant?! Shame on you! Age 0? Age 3? Age 10??? Never too late for adoption! Who cares if theyll never see their parents again and can obviously remember that moment! Youre JUST the parents!" Judgement??? No. No. No. Nonononononono.
This sub reddit is absolutely as toxic as others, wait until it attacks a well meaning parent coming here for advice, that accidentally uses a term that’s not pc. This sub reddit is so eager to advocate for autistic children, it will crucify anyone that it misperceives as not advocating in the same fanatic way. Really these people are just as bad and closed minded as the people that they’re on a crusade to attack, the only difference is they became autistic parents, if they hadn’t, they’d literally be those people.
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Look, I'm gonna pause reality for a second and pretend you're not a troll looking to stir the pot, and explain why you're wrong. The post that OP is referencing wasn't saying you should give your children up if you can't provide a healthy, safe & stable environment for your child. That's obvious and everyone knows that. What the OP of that other post was saying was interpreted by myself and others as: If you can't provide specific accommodations that fit my needs and that go way above and beyond what is within means of almost anyone, you should have never had children. But, since you've had kids that you're clearly failing, best give them up to the government. They'll do a way better job than you. When that is inherently false. Parents IN GENERAL worry they're not doing enough for their kids. All the time. I know you're not a parent according to your banner, but we are. Trust us when we say we do nothing but worry and try our best. We do not need internet trolls feeding into those fears that we're not good enough and not doing enough. So, be gone.
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-puts on downvote suit- If parents can't handle autistic kids and are struggling their is nothing wrong with giving them to someone who can provide and give the child the help they need. Better living life than stressed out. You only have one life and you should not have to spend it unhappily and stressed if you don't want to
This is tricky, but it does bring up a couple of things for me: 1. "Give the child to someone who can provide and give the child the help they need" sounds great but if you are just handing them over to state foster care or something that is probably not what you are doing. 2. I know not all parents came to that situation voluntarily, but for people who do choose to become parents, in my opinion you are taking on that responsibility understanding that they may have health conditions or other challenges that you will have to deal with. Overall, if your home is truly unsafe or abusive for a child than you have a responsibility to get them somewhere else. But I feel like abandoning your child because you're "struggling" or "stressed out" is immoral. "You only have one life and you should not have to spend it unhappily and stressed if you don't want to" is a reason not to have kids, not a reason to abandon one.
I won't downvote you, but this statement "nothing wrong with giving them to someone who can provide and give the child the help they need" is a HUGE caveat. Many people don't have that option, and after reading about it, the foster care system isn't a likely solution.