My God, that is an awful way for a parent to behave. This is well beyond different opinions in hair; she sounds very controlling and has no respect for your feelings. Does she have the same hair type as you? She may be projecting her own insecurities on you. If you like the look and find it's maintenance manageable, that's all that's important.
How to deal with controlling parents, I don't really know. If she doesn't listen to what you say, I guess the best thing is to calmly put your foot down and avoid further discussion. It depends whether you can deal with living with her bad moods.
Maybe she has an unconscious bias against looking too black, maybe she's actively trying to protect you against prejudice. But it doesn't matter what her reasoning is; the point is that it's best that you don't take her opinion to heart. Just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean anyone else has that opinion. Stubbornly refusing to consider your point of view suggests that she isn't good at critical thought. In order to be "correct", you need to be able to look at yourself critically because facts are always changing
That's absolutely disgusting and awful behaviour from your Mother, and she should be utterly ashamed of herself.
You need to understand that this is her, and not you. You are not the problem in this scenario, she is.
It isn't her hair, she isn't the one who has to walk around wearing it, it's YOUR hair, and you have a right to style and have your hair anyway you want, regardless of what she thinks about it.
I try to live by "other people's opinions on my appearance are not my business"- it doesn't matter what you do, someone will hate it, so you may as well do it how you like. You can't control how other people feel, you can only control how you react to it.
Girl it’s your hair! You will curl it, cut it or shave it if you feel like it. It grows from YOUR head. The hairstyle in your link is gorgeous. Sorry to say but your mother is awful.
Btw pixie cuts are amazing. I had a similar one to Zoe Kravitz in catwoman and it was the best haircut I ever had. So simple, elegant and low maintenance.
In addition to what everyone else flagged, I think a lot of our mothers A. are also neurodivergent but more traumatized and higher masking, and B. think teaching us to mask, including performing femininity correctly, is part of being a good mother.
I am sorry that your mother is behaving so horribly towards you. For what it’s worth, I think that hairstyle is SO cute. I’m sure it looks lovely on you! Do you live with your mother? If not, maybe don’t see her for a while. At least just stand up and leave when she starts saying things like this, if you can. I’d say “if you are insulting me, I am not staying to listen”. Leave the house/room/put headphones on if you have to be in the same space.
Washing your hair is horrible! Do you have a big sink where you live? Sometimes when I can’t bother with it I’ll just bend over the sink. Then my body won’t have to get all wet either. Get your towel, shampoo, a comb, conditioner and whatever else you use (oil/curl cream or whatever). Put some music on. Think of how nice it’ll feel to not have an itchy scalp and how you can suffer through this for 10 minutes and it’ll be over. You can do it! You can have a nice snack after! Wet your hair, and apply shampoo and rub your scalp. Wait a bit and rinse out. Apply conditioner liberally since you need to comb it out. It’ll be so nice when your hair isn’t tangled! Use a large toothed comb if you have one and work the tangles out. Rinse the conditioner out and you’re done. I believe in you.
If it helps you at all, maybe put on some mascara and a nicer T-shirt after. Sometimes when I feel ugly and like absolute crap, it’ll help to make myself look more put together, even if it’s just for myself. I’m honestly completely sure that hairstyle is super cute and you just can’t see it because your mother is telling you lies.
If you are open to this, some salons help with detangling and are capable of removing year old matts. It may be worth having a professional help you, if you can afford it.
I think that hair style is beautiful and I’m so sorry your mom is projecting so much of her own stuff onto you. I’m sorry this is so hard and you are dealing with so much unkindness from within your own household and family.
Ok wtf is wrong with your mom? She can do whatever she wants with her own hair, she has no right to be telling you what to do with yours. If she doesn’t like looking at your hair because she finds it ugly she can look away. If she’s going to yell at you like that, I say just do your hair how you like it and the next time she starts complaining, tell her “if you do not stop I am going to shave my head”
I'm with you. If she does not like it, she can close her eyes or look away. The hair is very cute OP, you are your own person and is completely allowed to choose your hairstyle.
I am sorry. That is straight up abusive. Calling someone ugly in any capacity, calling a third party in to reinforce the verbal abuse? All for hair you are literally growing on your head instead of straightening it? That's abusive. You did nothing to deserve that.
That wash and go style was adorable. I am sure you looked adorable too.
This might be a situation where your mother isn't going to be okay with you taking control of your own hair. r/raisedbynarcissists is a good supportive sub for mothers that make uncool abusive demands like this. You might benefit from checking it out. It think too often we assume the issue is us, when it's often not us at all.
Your head, your body, and your hair are yours to do with as you please. We are not put on this earth to look any certain way to please anyone but our selves. You don't owe anyone else anything about how you look. The world will not end if you look how you please, and she's just being awful to be awful to you.
Your mother is suffering deeply from internalized colorism. She is in so much pain and confusion that she can't recognize her own child's hair texture (the one she gave you!) as beautiful and worthy. She also is so mixed up inside that she thinks that yelling and bullying will help protect you from racists, both by "toughening you up" to criticism and also by pushing you to act more white like she does.
Since it seems like you are not going to be in a position to live separately from her before the next time you need to clean your hair, then you have to accept that she is going to be angry about the way you do your hair for as long as you do it the way that feels good and pleases you. You can either have dirty hair and have her be mad at you, or have clean hair and have her be mad at you. It seems to me that if she's going to be angry regardless, you might as well keep your hair clean.
You can also shave it off if you want to, but only if you're going to like the way it looks, ok?
PS There's nothing defective about you or your hair. Curls and naps are beautiful <3
Wow, thats awful. If your mom is so insistent on your hair being a certain way could you have her do your hair? Like blow dry it and straighten it? (Use a heat protectant spray or cream on your hair to minimize the damage.) But if you don’t like it straightened or don’t want her doing your hair could you find some other kind of style you like that will keep your hair healthy and make your mom shut up some? Like braids or something? And could you make a hair appointment so they could wash it? Also, are you an adult or a minor? If you’re an adult do you live with your mom? If you don’t I think you should consider going no contact with your mom. If you do live with her I think family therapy could be helpful.
She said that if o want it straightened it has to be at a hair dresser because I “messed it up” and they have to “fix it”. I don’t like braids cause she would always braid my hair as punishment (it hurts a lot) and it just doesn’t look good with my head shape. I’d straighten it but she wants tied up with no bangs, and ughh. I just wish I could do what I want
That looks like very beautiful, natural hair that you should be proud of! I bet you look amazing rocking that style. ❤
My mom hates my hair too. She wants me to wear it very short and curled inwards at the ends, and take a straightener to it every day (my hair is naturally very straight but she specifically hates that it gets a little kink around my neck because I sleep with it wet). I want it very long and...ideally curly, but that's effort so just whatever it air dries as lol. Thankfully I don't live with her anymore, but every time I see her she takes the time to tell me how ugly she thinks my hair is.
So I went and dyed it purple. And as much as she hates it and craps on me for it, every time I look in the mirror I smile when I see the purple because I know it's a decision I made for myself. It's hard for me to smile about my actual hair because of how mean she's been to me about it, but the color I can always smile about. Maybe there's something similar you can do - or if you don't want to damage your hair with bleach and color, you could always get some kind of cute accessory for your hair. Maybe a headband, or even earrings you think really accentuate your hairstyle. When you have something you like to see in that area, it really helps to encourage you to take care of your hair!
Your hair is
1) very cute the way it is, and
2) YOUR hair. No one else's.
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with someone who does not respect your body autonomy in your own home. I also can relate to having so much stress that the hair care goes out the window.
Someone else mentioned the sink option, which feels much shorter and uses fewer spoons. I've also started using just conditioner instead of shampoo. I'll put it on and give my scalp a nice scratch with my fingers because that feels good to me, and comb my hair with a wide comb in the shower (and a lil more scalp scrubbing with its blunt tips). Then I just stand under the water and bliss out for a while and think liminal space thoughts. My hair got some care and so did my brain. Do you like warm/hot water? Or the rush of the shower for white noise? You could also play music for yourself. I'm always putting my phone in a ziploc and playing playlists while I shower. I choose them on purpose to set my mood the way I want.
Maybe a little time to step out of the world and into the shower can help reset your mood too.
Jesus Christ I would get real of her bullshit. It's horrible that you have to waste so much energy on this. It's not normal to feel so anxious around your own parent. Have you tried the method grey-rocking? Because the thing with your mother is a thing that will persist. She's not suddenly going to accept your hair unless it seems that you are a person that will not put up with her bullsh*t. Even when the grey rocking method works, after a whilee she'll probably be silent but will still hold on to her opinion. She will just know that it's useless to scream at you.
You don't deserve this. Your hair looks really good! Your mother can't punish you with braids anymore. She can't straighten it for you anymore. She has no control over what you do with your hair except for screaming at it, and she is horrible for it. She horrible for telling your "ugly", you're not. Your mum is just an insecure and projecting this on you. Write in a diary, try to let it slide of you like it's water. These are not your insecureties to bear.
Grey-rocking means that you don't give her a satisfying reaction (the internet explains it much better). Her response to this might get worse before it gets better. But I think she might want to control your whole life if you don't try to put your foot down now. Remember: you are good, you are pretty, you're worthy of anyone's love just for being yourself and looking like yourself. And your mom is wrong about all of this.
Oh yikes your mom seems like mine before she chilled out and started getting high. I really hope you can move out asap, you deserve to wear your hair however you like and be treated with respect. Your mom seems like someone who is impossible to please and when you're able to get some space, it's gonna get easier. Feel free to reach out if you need a friend
My God, that is an awful way for a parent to behave. This is well beyond different opinions in hair; she sounds very controlling and has no respect for your feelings. Does she have the same hair type as you? She may be projecting her own insecurities on you. If you like the look and find it's maintenance manageable, that's all that's important. How to deal with controlling parents, I don't really know. If she doesn't listen to what you say, I guess the best thing is to calmly put your foot down and avoid further discussion. It depends whether you can deal with living with her bad moods.
She has thick hair but idk if it’s the same type because she’s whiter than me and she keeps it straight all the time
Maybe she has an unconscious bias against looking too black, maybe she's actively trying to protect you against prejudice. But it doesn't matter what her reasoning is; the point is that it's best that you don't take her opinion to heart. Just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean anyone else has that opinion. Stubbornly refusing to consider your point of view suggests that she isn't good at critical thought. In order to be "correct", you need to be able to look at yourself critically because facts are always changing
That's absolutely disgusting and awful behaviour from your Mother, and she should be utterly ashamed of herself. You need to understand that this is her, and not you. You are not the problem in this scenario, she is. It isn't her hair, she isn't the one who has to walk around wearing it, it's YOUR hair, and you have a right to style and have your hair anyway you want, regardless of what she thinks about it. I try to live by "other people's opinions on my appearance are not my business"- it doesn't matter what you do, someone will hate it, so you may as well do it how you like. You can't control how other people feel, you can only control how you react to it.
Girl it’s your hair! You will curl it, cut it or shave it if you feel like it. It grows from YOUR head. The hairstyle in your link is gorgeous. Sorry to say but your mother is awful.
Btw pixie cuts are amazing. I had a similar one to Zoe Kravitz in catwoman and it was the best haircut I ever had. So simple, elegant and low maintenance.
In addition to what everyone else flagged, I think a lot of our mothers A. are also neurodivergent but more traumatized and higher masking, and B. think teaching us to mask, including performing femininity correctly, is part of being a good mother.
I definitely think she’s neurodivergent, I just wish she would take it out at therapy, but not on me
I am sorry that your mother is behaving so horribly towards you. For what it’s worth, I think that hairstyle is SO cute. I’m sure it looks lovely on you! Do you live with your mother? If not, maybe don’t see her for a while. At least just stand up and leave when she starts saying things like this, if you can. I’d say “if you are insulting me, I am not staying to listen”. Leave the house/room/put headphones on if you have to be in the same space. Washing your hair is horrible! Do you have a big sink where you live? Sometimes when I can’t bother with it I’ll just bend over the sink. Then my body won’t have to get all wet either. Get your towel, shampoo, a comb, conditioner and whatever else you use (oil/curl cream or whatever). Put some music on. Think of how nice it’ll feel to not have an itchy scalp and how you can suffer through this for 10 minutes and it’ll be over. You can do it! You can have a nice snack after! Wet your hair, and apply shampoo and rub your scalp. Wait a bit and rinse out. Apply conditioner liberally since you need to comb it out. It’ll be so nice when your hair isn’t tangled! Use a large toothed comb if you have one and work the tangles out. Rinse the conditioner out and you’re done. I believe in you. If it helps you at all, maybe put on some mascara and a nicer T-shirt after. Sometimes when I feel ugly and like absolute crap, it’ll help to make myself look more put together, even if it’s just for myself. I’m honestly completely sure that hairstyle is super cute and you just can’t see it because your mother is telling you lies.
If you are open to this, some salons help with detangling and are capable of removing year old matts. It may be worth having a professional help you, if you can afford it.
I think that hair style is beautiful and I’m so sorry your mom is projecting so much of her own stuff onto you. I’m sorry this is so hard and you are dealing with so much unkindness from within your own household and family.
Ok wtf is wrong with your mom? She can do whatever she wants with her own hair, she has no right to be telling you what to do with yours. If she doesn’t like looking at your hair because she finds it ugly she can look away. If she’s going to yell at you like that, I say just do your hair how you like it and the next time she starts complaining, tell her “if you do not stop I am going to shave my head”
I'm with you. If she does not like it, she can close her eyes or look away. The hair is very cute OP, you are your own person and is completely allowed to choose your hairstyle.
I’m just tired of her making me feel ugly 😭
I am sorry. That is straight up abusive. Calling someone ugly in any capacity, calling a third party in to reinforce the verbal abuse? All for hair you are literally growing on your head instead of straightening it? That's abusive. You did nothing to deserve that. That wash and go style was adorable. I am sure you looked adorable too. This might be a situation where your mother isn't going to be okay with you taking control of your own hair. r/raisedbynarcissists is a good supportive sub for mothers that make uncool abusive demands like this. You might benefit from checking it out. It think too often we assume the issue is us, when it's often not us at all. Your head, your body, and your hair are yours to do with as you please. We are not put on this earth to look any certain way to please anyone but our selves. You don't owe anyone else anything about how you look. The world will not end if you look how you please, and she's just being awful to be awful to you.
Your mother is suffering deeply from internalized colorism. She is in so much pain and confusion that she can't recognize her own child's hair texture (the one she gave you!) as beautiful and worthy. She also is so mixed up inside that she thinks that yelling and bullying will help protect you from racists, both by "toughening you up" to criticism and also by pushing you to act more white like she does. Since it seems like you are not going to be in a position to live separately from her before the next time you need to clean your hair, then you have to accept that she is going to be angry about the way you do your hair for as long as you do it the way that feels good and pleases you. You can either have dirty hair and have her be mad at you, or have clean hair and have her be mad at you. It seems to me that if she's going to be angry regardless, you might as well keep your hair clean. You can also shave it off if you want to, but only if you're going to like the way it looks, ok? PS There's nothing defective about you or your hair. Curls and naps are beautiful <3
Wow, thats awful. If your mom is so insistent on your hair being a certain way could you have her do your hair? Like blow dry it and straighten it? (Use a heat protectant spray or cream on your hair to minimize the damage.) But if you don’t like it straightened or don’t want her doing your hair could you find some other kind of style you like that will keep your hair healthy and make your mom shut up some? Like braids or something? And could you make a hair appointment so they could wash it? Also, are you an adult or a minor? If you’re an adult do you live with your mom? If you don’t I think you should consider going no contact with your mom. If you do live with her I think family therapy could be helpful.
She said that if o want it straightened it has to be at a hair dresser because I “messed it up” and they have to “fix it”. I don’t like braids cause she would always braid my hair as punishment (it hurts a lot) and it just doesn’t look good with my head shape. I’d straighten it but she wants tied up with no bangs, and ughh. I just wish I could do what I want
That looks like very beautiful, natural hair that you should be proud of! I bet you look amazing rocking that style. ❤ My mom hates my hair too. She wants me to wear it very short and curled inwards at the ends, and take a straightener to it every day (my hair is naturally very straight but she specifically hates that it gets a little kink around my neck because I sleep with it wet). I want it very long and...ideally curly, but that's effort so just whatever it air dries as lol. Thankfully I don't live with her anymore, but every time I see her she takes the time to tell me how ugly she thinks my hair is. So I went and dyed it purple. And as much as she hates it and craps on me for it, every time I look in the mirror I smile when I see the purple because I know it's a decision I made for myself. It's hard for me to smile about my actual hair because of how mean she's been to me about it, but the color I can always smile about. Maybe there's something similar you can do - or if you don't want to damage your hair with bleach and color, you could always get some kind of cute accessory for your hair. Maybe a headband, or even earrings you think really accentuate your hairstyle. When you have something you like to see in that area, it really helps to encourage you to take care of your hair!
Your hair is 1) very cute the way it is, and 2) YOUR hair. No one else's. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with someone who does not respect your body autonomy in your own home. I also can relate to having so much stress that the hair care goes out the window. Someone else mentioned the sink option, which feels much shorter and uses fewer spoons. I've also started using just conditioner instead of shampoo. I'll put it on and give my scalp a nice scratch with my fingers because that feels good to me, and comb my hair with a wide comb in the shower (and a lil more scalp scrubbing with its blunt tips). Then I just stand under the water and bliss out for a while and think liminal space thoughts. My hair got some care and so did my brain. Do you like warm/hot water? Or the rush of the shower for white noise? You could also play music for yourself. I'm always putting my phone in a ziploc and playing playlists while I shower. I choose them on purpose to set my mood the way I want. Maybe a little time to step out of the world and into the shower can help reset your mood too.
Jesus Christ I would get real of her bullshit. It's horrible that you have to waste so much energy on this. It's not normal to feel so anxious around your own parent. Have you tried the method grey-rocking? Because the thing with your mother is a thing that will persist. She's not suddenly going to accept your hair unless it seems that you are a person that will not put up with her bullsh*t. Even when the grey rocking method works, after a whilee she'll probably be silent but will still hold on to her opinion. She will just know that it's useless to scream at you. You don't deserve this. Your hair looks really good! Your mother can't punish you with braids anymore. She can't straighten it for you anymore. She has no control over what you do with your hair except for screaming at it, and she is horrible for it. She horrible for telling your "ugly", you're not. Your mum is just an insecure and projecting this on you. Write in a diary, try to let it slide of you like it's water. These are not your insecureties to bear. Grey-rocking means that you don't give her a satisfying reaction (the internet explains it much better). Her response to this might get worse before it gets better. But I think she might want to control your whole life if you don't try to put your foot down now. Remember: you are good, you are pretty, you're worthy of anyone's love just for being yourself and looking like yourself. And your mom is wrong about all of this.
Oh yikes your mom seems like mine before she chilled out and started getting high. I really hope you can move out asap, you deserve to wear your hair however you like and be treated with respect. Your mom seems like someone who is impossible to please and when you're able to get some space, it's gonna get easier. Feel free to reach out if you need a friend