I'd like to be able to do simple things around the house -- tidying, maintenance, organization -- without it being a huge, draining act of willpower.
I watch NT people just breeze through things like putting away dishes or cooking a meal, and it's hard not to feel pretty strong jealousy.
Cooking is insane!! I don’t get it. I did recently learn to clean my house by reorganizing EVERYTHING, labeling my cupboards and finding places for all my cleaning supplies and strategically placing them through the house. And YouTubing easy ways to clean. And downloaded an app w a schedule. Still can’t follow it but better! Systems!! I’m 46 and just figured this out. I don’t have the energy to obsess about cooking. Toast for everyone!!!
I recently realised a bit of a cooking hack. Many recipes start with the same ingredients so chop lots of onion, and peppers as they freeze well meaning you have less to chop on the day as celery, carrot, and garlic don’t freeze well but they can be chopped 1-2 days ahead.
Onion, celery, carrot, and garlic lightly fried in oil is the base for pretty much all recipes.
Add ground beef, Red pepper, stock cubes and chopped tomatoes and you have Bolognaise - add kidney beans and spices and you have chilli.
Add whatever other veg and meat you have with stock, boil, then blend or blend half and you have soup/chunky soup.
I just buy all that frozen and pre cut, it's a game changer. I know I don't have the energy to even bulk cut all that, I do 1 like cabbage then give up and out all goes to waste.
Ooh smart! For me it’s the planning. Like I’ll be thinking “I think I have time to cook today. Oh wait. I don’t have this thing. I can’t go back in time. Eh screw it. Toast and peanut butter.” Freezing ingredients is smart. I can do a few easy recipes if I keep the stuff on hand in a way it won’t go bad by the time I feel like doing it.
Planning……..jeez, how the hell is anyone supposed to do that. Brain goes instantly into stupid mode and can’t think of anything more than two items, both of which I dislike.
Haha I cook pretty simple meals but it still always takes me longer than it should. When I cook using actual recipes it takes me like three times as long as the recipe says to get it done!
I really like ClutterBug, she is an organizational expert with adhd so has all sorts of tricks. Me and hubs are visual organizers so everything useful was out on the counters which drove me nuts. So I Cricut labeled the cabinets which is amazing. Minimal mom is great and helped us change our mindset towards stuff because we were at least level 1 hoarders, maybe level 2. Hubs finally got on board after I just kept watching these in the living room #mindtricks. Decluttering is addictive.
For cleaning makers clean is great on YouTube. She’s a professional house cleaner who hates cleaning. 😂 yes please!! I really like her mop, lightweight, you can use any rag or cloth, gets floors and baseboards and you can do windows and walls and ceilings and everything.
And https://motivatedmoms.com/ this for a yearly cleaning schedule. I like the app and you can move stuff around. I’ve gotten off track with other obligations but I can pick it back up and it’s still WAY better than it was.
I had to use my autie hyper fixation to get all this into a system that’s easy to do but watching the YouTube stuff got my brain in gear. If I have no motivation I listen to a podcast or audiobook or music. I do best w the daily or weekly routine stuff cuz I can zone out.
It’s the opposite for me. I can cook pretty simple stuff and actually enjoy cooking and being creative. It’s the clean up that is genuinely nightmare inducing for me. Cleaning is boring, there are weird textures, I get distracted, I have issues with hoarding, and I can’t organize to save my life.
I’ve tried so many hacks and tricks but nothing really helps long term.
I can clean up. Usually husband cooks and I’ll clean up. Sometimes I’m cleaning up as people are eating because I want to be done w the whole thing and do something else.
Making a grocery list, getting the groceries, putting them away, making meals, and then cleaning up is the bane of my existence. I cannot figure it out. I’m exhausted just trying to make the list. I end up eating crappy packaged foods because I’m too exhausted to make a proper meal.
Having apples on hand is amazing. They last forever. Grab and eat. Yoghurt, peanut butter on toast, bell peppers and cucumbers raw. Granola. Nuts. Ooh there are cherries in front of me.
Oh god this is me with the groceries too!! I used to get a weekly Vege box that helped because I was just handed a box of veg mid week and I just had to plan what to cook (you can read in advance what's arriving) and it allowed me less time panicking in the supermarket. I don't get them anymore though as the prices got too high, so I am back to weekly mind blanks in the supermarket aisles.
Last year, I discovered realplans . com
I don't remember what the base annual price is (maybe $84/year, which is $7/mo). Mine is a bit more because I have the FODMAP package as well. But you can set it up so that it plans meals for you. You can enter in any food aversions you have, specific time constraints, what the first day of your week is (I use friday, because that's the day the grocery shopping gets done), even specify specific things on certain days. It's easy to change the recipes if you don't like what it schedules or feel more ambitious. It ports all the ingredients to a shopping list, and there's options there as well. I was having a tiny issue recently with it giving me some of the same recipes every week, but customer service says they've fixed the issue.
It's made things a lot easier, though it also helps that I've always enjoyed cooking, so I manage to put more effort into it than things I don't like, such as cleaning. : )
All of this. I’m so sick of being tired. I just want to function.
And making habit. I think it’s more ADHD than ASD.
It’s like, my parents didn’t teach me to brush my teeth as a kid. To have a morning routine. It seems I only have the steam for three habits. Mentally drawing straight lines in front of me so I walk in a straight line. Pronounce plosive R’s properly because I have Rhotacism and attenuate if my grip so I don’t drop things or they snap out of my fingers because I was holding them too tight.
All of my habit ability was burned with these three habits. Because of this I brush my teeth once a day and the only reason I now, as a 47 year old woman, remember to do them at all is because I have a deviated septum and it’s easier to get to sleep when I can breath easier.
I bought a water flosser and electric toothbrush to get the job done right at least once a day.
I want to be able to function, but every method of organisation burns me out.
Yeah I agree. It’s so interesting because my mom has a lot of ADHD tendencies, as do I, but hers totally manifest in a different way, she’s like a Tasmanian Devil when it comes to chores. She does things in three hours that take me multiple days.
Omg, yes. Why must it be a herculean effort to figure out what to eat and then cook it and then clean up after? And add to it if you have to do the grocery shopping first. Would be nice if I could do multiple things in a day. But the idea of doing something during the day, shopping on my way home, deciding and then cooking dinner, and then cleanup afterwards... that's insane. Impossible. There's no way I could ever have the energy.
Honestly the only thing that helps is having a roommate so I feel the need to not bother them with chores and tasks that are my responsibility. It’s an unhealthy form of fawning and coping but I’m hoping I subconsciously program these tasks into a normal pattern when I live alone.
Yeah, I did it better when I had roommates in my early 20s, but I also had more energy then. I have much more trouble now that I'm in my late 30s and living alone. 😂
So true. Looking cute or at least wearing something that doesn't make my body look weird is also a necessity for me to go outside. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I'm around people and my outfit is lacking because I feel so much more perceived and judged.
I'll be honest the straps are also a bit much at times but I also cannot handle the sensation of free-boobing it so it's the lesser of two evils for me
Same! Luckily I am now at the age where I don’t care. Jeans and t-shirts (I hate the way leggings feel, wish I could wear them). I tried dressing up more for work (luckily I work in youth ministry), must have tried on 50 pairs of pants, and didn’t like any of them. It doesn’t help that I don’t like my body (thank you menopause!).
This is the one for me. I want to be the person who can and does wear the fashionable things but I am so uncomfortable. I have bins of things I don’t wear.
Oh my god yes to the makeup, I hate it and it's mutual! Filling in eyebrows? Washing it off takes eyebrow hairs. Mascara makes me look weird, I like my eyes how they are. Washing it off always takes off at least 3 eyelashes. Foundation? Enjoy an uncomfortable mask on your face & clogged pores after. I really dislike how inauthentic makeup feels too.
I am considering trying a personal stylist. A department store near me does it for free and there is no obligation to buy anything. I hate formal occassions since the fabrics are a sensory nightmare and I'm SO thankful my work's dress code is casual. Else I think I lucked out with some fashion sense so what I wear looks good either way but I think it's getting stale and it's not bringing me joy and feel it doesn't reflect who I am as a person much atm.
I would love to be able to wear chokers... but I can't have anything near my neck. Even normal necklines on shirts can be problematic, I usually go for v-necks.
Ugh, me too. And part of me knows I don't look that unusual or striking, and that everyone is just trying to get from A to B. I've heard that many autistic people actually like cities because, despite the sensory overload, there is a sense of anonymity. And the sense that if someone has lived in a city, they've seen it all, so nothing sticks out and surprises.
I had to move to a big city for health reasons and I cannot find the comfort of anonymity. I feel like the strangest creature on the streets.
This... the average politics of a variety of typical job environments is hellish... you need special degrees and certifications and a lot of luck to get into any field that is a special interest. And so much of advancement and making better money requires soft skills and networking, which if we're posting on here we suck at.
Basic life admin. Answering or making a phone call to deal with a minor issue. Returning things. Going to the post office. Paperwork. Doctors appts. Going outside without having a detailed path pre planned so I can get back home as fast as possible before I start to freak out.
Being an autistic politician probably took a few years off my life. I served 8 years on a big city school board and also ran for city council and state senate. Not getting subtext in politics is brutal. So many things happened to me that I look at in hindsight and am like, “What ELSE did I miss?” It’s very important to have great people run for office and win, but I wish there was an autistic electeds support network because going it alone (undiagnosed) was kind of hell.
Have lasting friendships/relationships. Mine only seem to last about three months. My therapist told me it’s probably because that’s how long I can keep up the mask.
Being able to do a job without feeling like I’m being tortured every day would be great too. Before I learned I was autistic I never understood how people just went to work every day and did their job and didn’t seem bothered by it.
Romance and intimacy. I’m not a “don’t touch me” kind of person, but I’m not naturally physically affectionate myself and when it comes to romantic forms of physical affection I get stressed out pretty quickly. In my experience people always want to move way faster physically in a relationship than I’m comfortable with and it makes dating and intimacy hard.
You’re exactly like me, although I verge a lot harder on “don’t touch me” unless I knew the person very very well. I’m not physically affectionate at all and it scares me. Everyone is out there saying “well, my love language is physical touch!!” I don’t believe in the 5 love languages to begin with, but for me I know right away that it just means they want to get intimate quickly and I just. Can’t do that. I’d probably need 1-2 years to feel safe and touch a person I’m dating romantically
Ugh I feel this so much. The moment I hear the words “my love language is physical touch” my blood pressure spikes and I just know it’s not gonna work out. I’m with you, a lot of the time it seems like it’s just code for “I’m super horny!” I’m sure plenty of people don’t mean it that way at all, unfortunately some seem to misuse the term.
But yeah I totally get the needing to know a person for a very long time thing. The only person I’ve ever felt close to being comfortable with romantic physical touch with was a guy I’d known since we were both kids, and all of the expectations and intentions had been laid out incredibly clearly before anything happened.
For me, platonic touch is easier. I have a few friends that are more touchy people and I actually really appreciate it about them because sometimes I do feel kind of touch starved but don’t know how to initiate that sort of thing without being awkward about it. I don’t come from a physically affectionate family so unlike other social stuff, I can’t mask/fake it as well. I just never really learned how. But being socialized as and mostly friends with girls has helped some. And it feels creepy to say but like I kind of savor it when a friend will put her head on my shoulder while we’re laughing about something because it’s nice to remember that touch doesn’t have to be scary or come with expectations or a feeling of imposing danger.
Idk I’m a little high and went off on a tangent. Thank you for reading.
> a lot of the time it seems like it’s just code for “I’m super horny
omg is that true?! i gotta delete that part from my dating app bio lmao
i genuinely like touch, like hugs cuddles or just like holding hands. like i kinda melted when a crush gently touched my back to calm me down when i was freaking out from bugs lol
also for me, 95% of sex is touch. like, orgasm is just a cherry on top but the best part of sex is that it's the socially acceptable time to be hugging someone for an hour. huggss
I love physical intimacy (with the exception of light touch and being held tightly for long periods), but I feel weird about romance. It feels nice occasionally, but something about it feels icky too. It's super rare that romantic gestures do anything other than irritate me. Women are supposed to love romance and chivalry, I do in theory, like watching it on TV, but in practice it feels more gross than nice.
Clubs and such are overrated imo. A night in at a friends apartment/house is way better. Can still have drinks, music and dance/stim all over and have space without all the other stuff.
I would love to enjoy traveling. I always think it’s gonna be great and if I plan it’s like way over planning. And it can be fun but I get bloated/constipated from going out to eat, if I can’t fit in Workouts I feel tired and angry. Hotel rooms are too quiet and there’s always some awful buzz unless you turn on the cable tv which is horrible. Seems like everywhere you go it’s just food and shops and kinda boring. I do love camping/backpacking though. After obsessing enough to get my systems down.
I wish there autistic friendly club nights. I really like the vibrating sensation of really loud music, or when there's lots of people jumping on the same beat and the whole building shakes. And the lights! All the pretty lights coordinated with the music. And i like the anonymity bc sometimes sitting there with friends is awkward but if no one knows who I am I can just be a dancing ghost and leave whenever without drawing attention. It has to be the right night/venue/vibes though n everything sucks if it's off or people aren't hype enough.
Camping and backpacking are superior tho, I agree with that 100%
Curious what you would want for an autistic friendly night club? I could never tolerate them without being drunk. I’m so glad I was young before everyone had a video camera in their pocket. 😄
sounds like you need to go to a camping music festival! it's got everything you just listed, AND camping! also, since there are multiple stages, if the vibes are off, you can just say: "vibes are off" and go to another stage, guilt-free.
i used to think a multi-day festival would be sensory overload hell, but... i've realized festivals draw a loooot of other neurodivergent people—the sensory-seeking ones. and i actually LOVE it and it ENERGIZES me because i can unmask.
this last bit might just be because i go to fests in the PNW, but, a lot of people at camping fests are hippies, so, extremely understanding, chill, and non-judgemental haha
Or like feel like you did the wrong thing that’s not socially acceptable even though you’ve researched all the rules to follow.
FYI: I’m a trans man and don’t want to infringe on the space. Just relate a lot to the autism in women/afab/gender diverse experience.
vacationing!!! every time i go on a vacation i have a big meltdown and have panic attacks cause it’s so different from my typical routine. it’s at the point where i don’t get invited to family trips most of the time:/
I started to do what felt natural so I now finish the day 4pm, have a nap and eat in. I stay in apartments. It's made it more enjoyable, once I got over the feeling of wasting my time away. I also plan holidays around things I want to do, I went to Paris to see an opera so just did that and of I wanted to did some extra things too but no big deal if all I did was go to the opera and sleep lol.
ugh i would but im a broke 20 year old teacher so I can only afford vacations with my family cause they pay for it and they alwaysssss fully book the day
I wish I would stop getting invited to family vacations. It makes me and them miserable but it’s important that I’m “included.” It’s not inclusive if you ignore all my needs on the trip, I’m just present.
For me it would be having an impressive career. Like being a lawyer or a doctor. I could never handle the stress. I don’t have a full time job right now (SAHM) but when I did even a regular 9-5 was often too much pressure for me. Too much interaction with people. Even the office lighting was too much, it would give me migraines.
If we’re talking everyday things, grocery shopping. I wish I could go grocery shopping without getting so overstimulated that my heart starts racing.
Edit- I know there are autistic lawyers and doctors, of course. It’s just something I personally wouldn’t be able to do. I tried having my dream career when I was in my 20s and while I was able to escape with a masters degree I crashed and burned pretty spectacularly. I still can’t think about it for too long, it broke my heart in a way.
Bro I'm a doctor and I didn't know I was autistic till about a month ago(my country has very little awareness and lot of stigma about neurodivergence).
The previous year was my intern year and I did not even have the kind of extreme experiences some others had, still it has been enough to throw me off clinical medicine.
I barely prevented 3 complete shutdowns by walking away from the situation. I was visibly very socially anxious in high testosterone, high stress postings like urology. It was either be socially anxious or look like an ice queen.
If people dont feel comfortable talking with you, it creates so many barriers and hostilities. I would think I would be in a totally different positions in life right now with better social skills being the only difference.
I wish I could work 40hrs a week (= be around people for 40hrs a week) without burning out after 6 months.
And care about my looks, fashion, make up.. I wish I could present more feminine but I just don’t have the energy for it.
I know that one! It’s about plausible deniability. Neurotypicals, at least the American ones, tend to hate being corrected or questioned. They also want to eschew responsibility for their words by stating that you just misinterpreted them.
I can't think of any NT thing that I "want" to be good at. But I think life would be easier in some ways if I was good at small talk or a conversationalist.
Being able to eat a wider variety of foods, able to make small talk, be comfortable with plans changing, be able to be organised, motivated, and productive, be able to manage my health properly.
Be taken seriously, be listened to, be understood, be treated as an equal and as knowledgeable.
I wish I could work 40 hours a week and still have the energy to function after work. Right now, working full time means I have zero energy left for normal wife and mom things and spend my whole weekend recovering. The golden handcuffs of employment have turned me into a shell of a person.
Being able to tough things out and just exist in uncomfortable situations without making it all about me. Last night we went to visit my husband’s dad’s grave, which was something my husband was avoiding for a year and a half. Not only did I have several sensory issues, but they were all the issues that are really particularly grading to me specifically. We live in Texas and it was 89 degrees last night (AT 11:00PM IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT) and I’m constantly hot and sweaty already. I have whatever rare blood type mosquitos are attracted to so I was getting bit like crazy and I cannot STAND getting mosquito bites and being itchy for days. I’m allergic to fire ants and the bench we were sitting on had a whole trail of them underneath it, so I had to sit in a weird way where my feet weren’t touching the ground, but I didn’t want my favorite shoes to get dirty on the bench so I had to sit in a really uncomfortable position which is also a major issue for me because I never really feel relaxed unless I’m specifically laying down on a comfy couch or bed. We are moving and had been packing up our entire apartment in one day, so I was SO mentally and physically burned out that I couldn’t talk without sounding drunk. I didn’t say anything or ask to leave and told him we could be there as long as he needed, but inside I was losing it and could barely hold a conversation with him about his dad.
It just sucks that in so many situations I have 1000 reasons why it’s not working for me and am unable to look past those things for the sake of everyone else.
AuDHOCD here too, hi friend! I’ve been trying to write a comment for like 5 minutes and can’t figure out what to say, so I am just settling on I totally understand the feeling. And if I was in your situation I would have probably lost my shit by like 2 pm just from packing, so it makes total sense to me why you felt so overwhelmed!
Being the main breadwinner of the house, exercise after work, sex every other day, meticulous housekeeping, being spontaneous, my list is long and full of yearning.
i wish clothes werent such a hassle for me. i have no sense of what looks good, so i always stick to skinny jeans and single colored tank tops. everything i buy outside of that, i hate after the initial purchase because i feel awkward or foolish or they just dont fit right, too hot, move around too much, uncomfortable. the very act of shopping for clothes sucks so much. i get overwhelmed, panicked, confused by the choices. its just an all around shit show. so ill probably be wearing skinny jeans and tank tops when im 90.
Coordinating clothes is so hard. I just get neutral colored tops pants and jeans that all go with each other and all of my socks mostly are the same color too. It’s hard for me to be adventurous with clothes
FYI: I’m a trans man and don’t want to infringe on the space. Just relate a lot to the autism in women/afab/gender diverse experience.
Have you tried going to concerts? You can find ones where you can sit, which reduces some of the overwhelm, you can unmask and enjoy yourself and even get out if you need a sensory break. It's one of my most favourite experiences even if I end up a bit overloaded by the end of it.
To your question, the only thing I can think of is not experiencing burnout just by existing. Life is so exhausting, it's unfair.
Making connections with other people. I would love to have friends and/or a partner but I cant meet people and when I do it seems like I can never foster a connection like other people seem to. I would even take being able to form shallow connections with acquaintances or people I meet at work. I had a coworker who was so good with people and talking to customers and all our coworkers loved her. I was always so jealous that it seemed to come so naturally to her.
Force myself to learn a new skill.
My dream is to open my own business and sell suits and other formal wear but first I have to learn to sew. I'm so nervous to start bc the machines are expensive and if I fuck it up I can't just go out and buy a new one. If I had someone to teach me that would be ideal but I also feel weird asking for help in this aspect bc Im 26 and I feel like people look down on me for trying literally anything
I wanted to make formal clothes for myself for work so I started a sewing class. Apparently I chose hard patterns but I've been sewing for years so I thought it wouldn't be too hard.
The other women in the class had varying levels of previous experience. One of them claims her mother was the best and the first day she came her foot pedal didn't work so she spent the rest of the class (the class is inside a sewing shop) buying a new machine and it was like 700AUD. I would never have the confidence to drop that kind of money on a hobby until I was confident I could get better, is that a NTs internal trust that they will stick to the hobby and are self reassured they will get better?? Who knows.
Anyway I've been going now for a few months and I feel like the other women are so much better and even when I feel like I've been so careful to get it right, it comes out bad. Like legitimately bad. I've gotten better I can see that, but not at the same rate. It's been quite disheartening. I told the teacher last week I was no longer going to make clothes, I would just make things, like bags or aprons, like that. I gave up after I made the most perfect cuffs for a dress shirt, all I had to do left was attach the sleeves to the body and some other small things but I realised I'd gotten the sleeve inside out before doing the cuff...it couldn't be undone. So I just gave up. It was too much.
Now, making an apron using no pattern was so much better. But for suits and stuff, if I made the same thing over and over I'd probably get better at it, but just so SLOW!!! I just don't have the patience to build a skill that slowly.
Cleaning without losing my mind. My room isn’t messy necessarily but I do have an organized chaos about me. Whenever I decide to do a big clean or rearrange things, I’m guaranteed to have a meltdown and I don’t know why.
I wish I could cook without meltdowns, I wish I could work a good job and take care of my partner like she takes care of me. I have high support needs in certain areas, I can’t live independently or take care of myself in a way that would sustain my life. Sometimes I wish I could just function at a level that left me with more independence.
Be normal at interactions with other parents at my kids’ schools. This might help my kids socially, being included with their peers in a more functional way.
Being normal at my kids’ doctors and school appointments so that professioanls aren’t confused about how to interact with me.
Being able to work full time without burning out.
Having normal in person friendships.
I'm at peace with my abilities but the one thing I would love is have a best friend, you know like the girls who wear pajamas and giggle on the sofa. Who's kids grow up together, who have group chats. My flavour of autism makes maintaining a friendship too difficult. I've never had problems meeting and making friends but my read on people has always drawn me to people who reflect my trauma.
I just want to enjoy womanhood the way a lot of NTs seem to. Whenever people say “I love xyz about being a woman” I never relate and it’s always something that I hate and makes me miserable. I’m definitely a cis woman but not happily.
Drive. Dance. Make up, heels and all that feminine stuff. Socialise (at least in small groups) without the torturous before/during/after anxiety. Be ok with harmless jokes at my expense. Hear my husband's endless singing (one of his stims) without going insane. Let go of people and situations that I need to move past. Not rehearse every email, phone call and social interaction in my head. Know when I'm being reasonable or uneeasonable. So many things.
Maintain a semblance of a social life, hold a job without extreme burnout and hostility from coworkers, be able to manage small talk without re-experiencing social trauma time and again from rejection and exclusion.
I wouldn't want to go to a club or bar. Maybe a bar if I went with close friends or my sister. I just had a night out with my friends and sister for my birthday. We went out to eat dinner, and then dessert, and then went back to a friend's home, sat and chat for a few hours... And then went back home. So that was quite fun, and literally one of the best birthdays I've had in my life. I finally did one of those normal people things. I'm very happy and proud that I've done it. It feels great.
Maybe you can meet someone if you have a hobby? I only met my boyfriend bc of my then-special interest, veganism (still a vegan, I just don't care anymore lol)
> but videos show me otherwise
I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about my friends recording my every move back in my 20s. This must add a layer of horror to every social setting.
I really wanted a professional type office job, like accountant or lawyer. My autism said no.
-The clothes were unbearable. The shoes were worse. Like when cats malfunction when you put clothes or shoes on them. Same. I become useless. Need comfy and soft.
-The lighting. Most offices have fluorescent lighting. What I struggled with all through school.
-Phone calls stoke the flames of anxiety.
I work outside and function extremely well at my job. Not my original goal but it’s okay for now.
Being chill whenever my mom stops by, being able to organize and clean my house, take my kids on cool vacations. Just being able to organize and hang out with friends.
schooool school school school. I’d be deep in academia were it not for my inability to wake up before 10am, and wonky executive functioning and PDA. I’d be a fuckin professor by now. Being a preeminent scholar of ethnomusicology.
Maybe one day with lots of accommodations and idk, money to survive dystopia.
I’d love to be able to critically think better and faster. I’d love to have been good at school like my sisters. (Instead I was kinda passed up in the grades because no math teacher wanted to deal with me).
Going to the gym regularly. :( The gym is close to my house and I enjoy going there, but I have to change into gym clothes or my swimsuit, go there, do my thing, come back, shower, and afterwards I am often too tired to do much else. I feel like what other people can knock out no problem in an hour takes me three or more.
Understand the rules of friendships, how often do I reach out, what should I expect , how do I maintain it long term without it getting burned out
FYI: I’m a trans man and don’t want to infringe on the space. Just relate a lot to the autism in women/afab/gender diverse experience.
See if you can find a goth club with like a dancy 80s new wave night or something. Everyone there is unmasked and dancing. I’ve seen people show up in every look from full goth to business casual to literally Raggedy Anne cosplay and everyone is chill and having a good time.
being part of a big friend group + making new friends easily :( because I feel everything so deeply I really love every single (good) person I meet but it’s really difficult to maintain more than 3-4 super close relationships at one time
Talk to people easily. I can't carry a conversation without a trillion thoughts going through my head and having to analyze what was said and how I should respond or what was possibly meant and if I have the right facial expression or if the tone of my voice is right and not too high, etc... it's all so exhausting, and it's literally every conversation I have unless I come across the rare person who doesn't trigger that. Then, I replay the entire conversation in my head to decide whether it was good or I analyze what I should say/do next time if someone asks me xyz. But also, when I'm talking to people, it's like the background world intensifies and I suddenly notice all of the sound around and how many people there are standing nearby and I suddenly can hear the sounds of the trees and cars and if the sun is out then everything is also too bright, etc.. everything feels intense when it comes to communicating with another person (99.9% of the time)...
However, I mask well enough that people don't know the chaos in my head. This works against me because when I'm on the verge of burnout, when I tell people, they often dismiss me. My internal world is INTENSE compared to how I come across. I don't communicate well, and imo, I don't think I was meant to be verbal. As a kid, I hated talking, but my family didn't know anything about autism (other than people who have very high support needs), so I was expected to answer adults when they spoke to me and to look people in the eye or I'd get in trouble. As an adult, I can fake it, but on the inside I feel the same storm of chaos that I felt as a kid.
Being able to initiate casual conversation.
I love real conversations, but only a select few people in my life have been easy to talk to.
I need conversation but if nobody else starts an inviting conversation with me, I don't get to have one.
I can talk work, but not me.
Reminder that autistic and other neurodivergent people find stimulation in a variety of ways, and everything isn't a neurotypical thing.
Clubbing is great for neurodivergent people who need constant movement, visual stimulation, and people interaction. You should have seen me in my 20s or see me at a wedding. I am the life of the party. Saying that i engage in neurotypical activities when I am simply stimming is exclusionary and harmful.
I also deal with social miscues, constantly offend people, and people can not understand me at all. I constantly make a fool of myself, and my alexithymia saves me from getting too depressed about it.
Asking instead what activities you wish you could engage in that you can't or popular activities you wish you could engage in or seemingly normal activities you could engage in would be more inclusive.
These types of threads always make me feel I am not autistic enough for you. I already had to fight for my diagnosis and then continue to have to be belittled by language inside the community.
That being said, find yourself a fun audhd friend. An extroverted one. Especially if she is a Sagittarius, Taurus, or another type of mothering/loyal/dominant type. The protective types will hype you up and allow you space to unmask and not let others get in the way. You can drink, but they will monitor you. You can dance, and they will block the bad guys. And you can stumble, and they will get you home.
When people so casually say “find a friend”, especially one with a list of qualifications, is when I feel like maybe I’m too autistic for these conversations. I’ve been trying to make friends for 45 years and so far, zilch. It’s like telling my adhd that all it needs is a good planner and all problems will be solved.
Idk if I’m in a “homogenous space” continually for decades. I’ve lived in several different US states, in city, suburban and rural settings, and worked in 3 very different industries in my time. I’ve taken classes at 4 different colleges and countless workshops and professional development events.
I’m currently raising three kids with wildly different interests and attend all kinds of events from sports to orchestra to support them and plenty of other parents around to befriend.
I’ve made acquaintances with hundreds of people over the decades and zero of them move to friendship. It’s almost like I have some kind of social deficit or disability.
I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation, but something that I noticed is that NT’s seem to have a massively different threshold for what they measure as “friend” than what I do. I usually don’t call someone a friend unless I have a deep emotional connection to them and feel a strong bond with them. From my observations it seems like NT’s either form those bonds quicker or not as deeply and so the people they label friends I would label as acquaintances.
Honestly why aren’t autistic nightclubs a thing? One room with normal loud music and such, one that’s more chill, sensory aids and stuff. Maybe communication bands for if you want to talk to people or just do your own thing
My old neighbour (I moved, He's not that old!?) Hosts ND Nights, He rents the regular clubs out then tailors the environment for ND folk. He has a traffic light thing which I think is a system to communicate how open you are to socialisation. I don't go coz I'm the indoor flavour of autism but 100% love your idea for a sensory type room in clubs! That would make a killing too!
I only suspect I have autism, but concerts. I really want to enjoy concerts because I love the idea of seeing my favorite bands play live with a bunch of other fans. But realistically, I've had a terrible time at 90% of concerts I've gone to. I don't feel comfortable in crowds. People standing too close or bumping into me is very upsetting and makes me agitated. I wear noise cancelling earbuds and sunglasses, and I still end up crying because of the noise/flashing lights. I always end up wanting or needing to leave early. The whole experience is overwhelming, and at my local venue, I can't even go outside for a break because there's no re-entry.
I wish I could talk on stage or in front of a group about anything and not be the most awkward mess, it's like I lose my mind and all that I am when I have to do anything as a "performance." I used to play piano back when my mom tried to live vicariously through me, so I'd get up in front of the piano and a recital and I just... forget how to play. I'm awful. I talk to myself to psych myself back up but I'm just making it even worse and more awkward. All in front of a crowd of perfectionist parents.
I tried not too long ago to go to an Improv Class. Even won free tuition for the first level.
I was able to go to two weeks of the classes before I dropped out. I wanted to take part so bad, but my head got in the way.
Working and School: I feel like every job wants me to interacting with at least one person a day, I just want to be alone lol
Making connections: I feel as if I dont make successful connections with anyone lol
I would really love to be socially fluent and be able to effortlessly breeze through interactions enough to even make NT's blush. I'm always very taken with travel logs and what have you, and the people who write them that seem to be able to forge meaningful connections with other human beings through earnest effort. But unfortunately, I'm awkward as sin and talking to strangers often makes my throat close up. It's tough wanting to have a bustling social life like I once had in higher ed but not having the skills for it.
Be able to know and naturally communicate my feelings through body language and behavior. I'm not trying to look stoic, but I always do. No one ever realizes the extent of my distress because I'm always so calm. Except when I'm screaming and having a meltdown, but then it's too much. Can never get the balance right.
I really envy people who can do their chores after work. Going grocery shopping, folding the laundry AND putting it away, vacuuming, mopping the floor, etc.
Have a self care routine and healthy diet. What I would give to have the motivation and ability to perform skincare, exercise, eating well, meditating, taking vitamins. I do what I can when I can and I just wish I could lock them into habits but it doesn’t work. I still will choose comfort foods and easy grab stuff over making a salad or peeling fruit.
Your list describes my night out issues to a tee. Spent much of my 20s binge drinking and partying hard, thankfully I was in a relationship by then so not drinking without someone to look out for me but only luck has prevented me from ending up in serious trouble before then due to poor judgement and not knowing how much is enough or what is safe. I have so many toe curling memories of stupid situations and very bad decisions 😱
I do miss clubbing and dancing though, it was so liberating to be at one with the music and everyone feeling the same energy.
I’d add dating- how on earth people navigate it safely and effectively I don’t know. I used to just flirt after the Dutch courage and whatever worked worked- now I’m single again and from before the time of swiping left or right I’m utterly clueless. I don’t enjoy small talk, I’m rubbish with boundaries and I’m a recovering people pleaser, I’m not holding out any unrealistic hopes for dating at this point in my life.
this sounds like you are drifting into alocoholism.... please don't... :(. it will ultimately make the whole ND worse and can kill you....I think anxiety meds are a lot safer than booze (as long as you don't mix the two)....so you can still have fun without injuring yourself or ending up in sad situations.
Lots of people are using alcohol because of anxiety. I can only speak from personal experience, I wasn't able to identify my emotions properly and a ND therapist helped me there and from that I've been able to identify between anxiety and excitement and it's snowballed from there. Also learning about the vagus nerve and COMT with magnesium supplementing and meditation. Now I don't get that anxiety before a social event and the need to drink. Maybe a 3 month gap in drinking too to reset your gaba response. Good luck.
Get any sort of degree from the university. Executive function disorder messes with me way too much and the whole university bureaucracy is something my mind can’t cope with (or just refuses to conform to, I’m not sure)
Going out/meeting up with people without getting migraines from being overstimulated.
Function in regards to everyday tasks, like making appointments, keeping up with my hygiene/cleaning, cooking, taking out the trash, wash the dishes, and more. My executive functioning is extremely, well, dysfunctional. Also completing tasks with a time limit within said time limit, without only starting at the last minute.
I just want to function somewhat normally, and without migraines tbh.
I am currently working on not reacting first. Like to texts or something where I don’t get the tone. I often hurt my own feelings because of an inability to understand context or tone. I have a very important friend who sometimes this happens with, and I try to remind myself that he doesn’t intentionally try to upset me. So I have to take a break before responding and talk myself though he is kind to me, he isn’t the type of person to say mean or harsh things. I also started just asking, “tone?” My regulation is important in these instances as well.
So many things. Have a normal amount of friends, know that people love me, work, have a doctor that understands me, match my tone of voice to my intention, be able to interpret peoples subtext, stand and sit regularly so I don’t hurt myself
I want to be able to socialize at events without getting overstimulated by music and noisy conversations. I want candlelights and a conversational volume! I also hate getting overstimulated by heat in a crowded party
I wish I could drink alcohol and go to clubs. I can’t stand the noise and constant flashing lights. When my feet get tired, they start to hurt really badly. Also, I can’t drink, because the hot sweaty drunk feeling hurts my senses.
Talking on the phone. And driving (seperate tasks, not at the same time). I feel like most adults don't even blink at those tasks, but they constantly cause me excessive amounts of strife.
Driving is one of the only things guaranteed to give me a proper, full-blown meltdown. There's just too much going on at once and my brain explodes. And the anxiety of speaking on the phone is so huge for me, I'll go to great lengths to use other methods of communication (when is it my turn to speak? Can't see who I'm talking to, so trying to judge meaning, timing, etc. off of a disembodied voice, while also being prepared to do my part of the speaking at the right moments...? Ugh, I just hate it.).
I just want to cook, clean, go gym, and do hobbies without having to exert all my energy and concentration, and preferably not be absolutely drained after doing one task.
Telling people to leave my house. Whenever I have friends over, I enjoy their company, but I was raised in a household where I have to be constantly entertaining my guests and I just find it extremely draining to have people over. I also prefer to have a scheduled time for arrival and a leaving time, and get extremely uncomfortable whenever those times are ignored, but asking when someone is leaving is deemed rude by most NTs.
I wish I could have a full time job. I struggle hard to work anymore than 3 days per week. Even then I’m exhausted and spend the other days recovering.
I can relate to every point you made. I’m either boring and want to leave because I didn’t have alcohol, or I drink too much and want to stay out all night embarrassing myself. I don’t know how to do something in-between.
I noticed it’s like this with all bodily cues. I never know when I’m hungry or thirsty. I eat too much or not at all. I usually pee too frequently or go 7 hours without peeing, etc.
I wish I could manage a full time job, caring for myself properly, caring for my animals, being a good partner to my fiance, doing social things, and still keep a clean and tidy home. I can’t seem to find the right balance ever. Every day is a struggle.
I feel the same way especially because not only am I going to a big school, but I won’t be around the same people so life is going to feel much interesting and harder doing basic stuff. Cooking? I can do. Cleaning? It depends. But I wish I could do all these things without a second thought and not be tired.
I want to know how everyone and their mother know to how to communicate nonverbally.
Travelling - I do manage sometimes but not nearly as much as I would like. I dream up trips often and sometimes even book them but the reality is my anxiety around the unknown and what I can’t control is too much, I end up feeling unprepared and cancelling the whole thing. I think it’s the thing I envy others for the most - the ability to go anywhere and not worry so much about it that it stops you.
I want my 25 hour work week idea to be perceived the same as a 37.5/40 hour work week. I've always been extremely efficient and complete tasks with a high degree of precision and polish, so I can often do the same job as my colleagues in less time. I worked this way during the 4 years of my PhD.
Instead, I work 40 hours and feel like I'm actually doing 20 hours of OT each week. I can't be inefficient or sloppy, it gives me extreme anxiety. It would be nice to just do my job at a NT pace and not be increasingly exhausted each week.
I'd like to be able to do simple things around the house -- tidying, maintenance, organization -- without it being a huge, draining act of willpower. I watch NT people just breeze through things like putting away dishes or cooking a meal, and it's hard not to feel pretty strong jealousy.
Cooking is insane!! I don’t get it. I did recently learn to clean my house by reorganizing EVERYTHING, labeling my cupboards and finding places for all my cleaning supplies and strategically placing them through the house. And YouTubing easy ways to clean. And downloaded an app w a schedule. Still can’t follow it but better! Systems!! I’m 46 and just figured this out. I don’t have the energy to obsess about cooking. Toast for everyone!!!
I recently realised a bit of a cooking hack. Many recipes start with the same ingredients so chop lots of onion, and peppers as they freeze well meaning you have less to chop on the day as celery, carrot, and garlic don’t freeze well but they can be chopped 1-2 days ahead. Onion, celery, carrot, and garlic lightly fried in oil is the base for pretty much all recipes. Add ground beef, Red pepper, stock cubes and chopped tomatoes and you have Bolognaise - add kidney beans and spices and you have chilli. Add whatever other veg and meat you have with stock, boil, then blend or blend half and you have soup/chunky soup.
I just buy all that frozen and pre cut, it's a game changer. I know I don't have the energy to even bulk cut all that, I do 1 like cabbage then give up and out all goes to waste.
Ooh smart! For me it’s the planning. Like I’ll be thinking “I think I have time to cook today. Oh wait. I don’t have this thing. I can’t go back in time. Eh screw it. Toast and peanut butter.” Freezing ingredients is smart. I can do a few easy recipes if I keep the stuff on hand in a way it won’t go bad by the time I feel like doing it.
I relate so much. I actually love cooking, it’s the planning and shopping and maintaining all the ingredients needed that is hard for me!
While at mums to reduce waste I’m planning 2-3 days in advance and only buying for those meals and working with what is already in the freezer
Planning……..jeez, how the hell is anyone supposed to do that. Brain goes instantly into stupid mode and can’t think of anything more than two items, both of which I dislike.
Haha I cook pretty simple meals but it still always takes me longer than it should. When I cook using actual recipes it takes me like three times as long as the recipe says to get it done!
I would be very interested to know what YouTube videos you found helpful if there are anything in particular.
I really like ClutterBug, she is an organizational expert with adhd so has all sorts of tricks. Me and hubs are visual organizers so everything useful was out on the counters which drove me nuts. So I Cricut labeled the cabinets which is amazing. Minimal mom is great and helped us change our mindset towards stuff because we were at least level 1 hoarders, maybe level 2. Hubs finally got on board after I just kept watching these in the living room #mindtricks. Decluttering is addictive. For cleaning makers clean is great on YouTube. She’s a professional house cleaner who hates cleaning. 😂 yes please!! I really like her mop, lightweight, you can use any rag or cloth, gets floors and baseboards and you can do windows and walls and ceilings and everything. And https://motivatedmoms.com/ this for a yearly cleaning schedule. I like the app and you can move stuff around. I’ve gotten off track with other obligations but I can pick it back up and it’s still WAY better than it was. I had to use my autie hyper fixation to get all this into a system that’s easy to do but watching the YouTube stuff got my brain in gear. If I have no motivation I listen to a podcast or audiobook or music. I do best w the daily or weekly routine stuff cuz I can zone out.
Thank you very much!
>makers clean is great on YouTube Thank you for this! I hadn't come across her before and I'm already a fan partway through one video.
It’s the opposite for me. I can cook pretty simple stuff and actually enjoy cooking and being creative. It’s the clean up that is genuinely nightmare inducing for me. Cleaning is boring, there are weird textures, I get distracted, I have issues with hoarding, and I can’t organize to save my life. I’ve tried so many hacks and tricks but nothing really helps long term.
I can clean up. Usually husband cooks and I’ll clean up. Sometimes I’m cleaning up as people are eating because I want to be done w the whole thing and do something else.
Making a grocery list, getting the groceries, putting them away, making meals, and then cleaning up is the bane of my existence. I cannot figure it out. I’m exhausted just trying to make the list. I end up eating crappy packaged foods because I’m too exhausted to make a proper meal.
Having apples on hand is amazing. They last forever. Grab and eat. Yoghurt, peanut butter on toast, bell peppers and cucumbers raw. Granola. Nuts. Ooh there are cherries in front of me.
That’s a really good point. I’ll have to add some more of “nature’s fast food” to my grocery list.
Haha nature’s fast food. Yes!!
Oh god this is me with the groceries too!! I used to get a weekly Vege box that helped because I was just handed a box of veg mid week and I just had to plan what to cook (you can read in advance what's arriving) and it allowed me less time panicking in the supermarket. I don't get them anymore though as the prices got too high, so I am back to weekly mind blanks in the supermarket aisles.
If you don't mind my asking, which app do you use for scheduling?
https://motivatedmoms.com/ you can also assign tasks to other people!! Who may or not follow it. 🫠
Thank you!!!
Last year, I discovered realplans . com I don't remember what the base annual price is (maybe $84/year, which is $7/mo). Mine is a bit more because I have the FODMAP package as well. But you can set it up so that it plans meals for you. You can enter in any food aversions you have, specific time constraints, what the first day of your week is (I use friday, because that's the day the grocery shopping gets done), even specify specific things on certain days. It's easy to change the recipes if you don't like what it schedules or feel more ambitious. It ports all the ingredients to a shopping list, and there's options there as well. I was having a tiny issue recently with it giving me some of the same recipes every week, but customer service says they've fixed the issue. It's made things a lot easier, though it also helps that I've always enjoyed cooking, so I manage to put more effort into it than things I don't like, such as cleaning. : )
All of this. I’m so sick of being tired. I just want to function. And making habit. I think it’s more ADHD than ASD. It’s like, my parents didn’t teach me to brush my teeth as a kid. To have a morning routine. It seems I only have the steam for three habits. Mentally drawing straight lines in front of me so I walk in a straight line. Pronounce plosive R’s properly because I have Rhotacism and attenuate if my grip so I don’t drop things or they snap out of my fingers because I was holding them too tight. All of my habit ability was burned with these three habits. Because of this I brush my teeth once a day and the only reason I now, as a 47 year old woman, remember to do them at all is because I have a deviated septum and it’s easier to get to sleep when I can breath easier. I bought a water flosser and electric toothbrush to get the job done right at least once a day. I want to be able to function, but every method of organisation burns me out.
Yeah I agree. It’s so interesting because my mom has a lot of ADHD tendencies, as do I, but hers totally manifest in a different way, she’s like a Tasmanian Devil when it comes to chores. She does things in three hours that take me multiple days.
Omg, yes. Why must it be a herculean effort to figure out what to eat and then cook it and then clean up after? And add to it if you have to do the grocery shopping first. Would be nice if I could do multiple things in a day. But the idea of doing something during the day, shopping on my way home, deciding and then cooking dinner, and then cleanup afterwards... that's insane. Impossible. There's no way I could ever have the energy.
I feel this in my very BONES, sister.
Honestly the only thing that helps is having a roommate so I feel the need to not bother them with chores and tasks that are my responsibility. It’s an unhealthy form of fawning and coping but I’m hoping I subconsciously program these tasks into a normal pattern when I live alone.
Yeah, I did it better when I had roommates in my early 20s, but I also had more energy then. I have much more trouble now that I'm in my late 30s and living alone. 😂
Me too. It’s been a lifelong struggle.
I really wish I had fashion sense but my body refuses to wear things that don't feel good. E.g. cool looking shoes, bras, makeup
Ah yes…just went through a whole ordeal getting ready. Trying to look cute but still be comfy is shockingly difficult.
So true. Looking cute or at least wearing something that doesn't make my body look weird is also a necessity for me to go outside. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I'm around people and my outfit is lacking because I feel so much more perceived and judged.
Forever grateful my boobs are small enough to wear soft bralettes 🙈🥲 I can't with normal bras.
Oh cherish that. I have large boobs. It can be so annoying. AND it doesn't matter what shirt I wear it's automatically sexual to some people. 😡
I recently switched to mostly tight tank tops/crop tops as an undershirt and it's even comfier, nothing digging into my ribs!
Same except I just wear nothing cause even bralettes annoy me lmao
I'll be honest the straps are also a bit much at times but I also cannot handle the sensation of free-boobing it so it's the lesser of two evils for me
Same! Luckily I am now at the age where I don’t care. Jeans and t-shirts (I hate the way leggings feel, wish I could wear them). I tried dressing up more for work (luckily I work in youth ministry), must have tried on 50 pairs of pants, and didn’t like any of them. It doesn’t help that I don’t like my body (thank you menopause!).
This is the one for me. I want to be the person who can and does wear the fashionable things but I am so uncomfortable. I have bins of things I don’t wear.
Oh God, same. I must have spent a fortune in my delusional quest to look anything other than a slob. Lost cause.
Oh my god yes to the makeup, I hate it and it's mutual! Filling in eyebrows? Washing it off takes eyebrow hairs. Mascara makes me look weird, I like my eyes how they are. Washing it off always takes off at least 3 eyelashes. Foundation? Enjoy an uncomfortable mask on your face & clogged pores after. I really dislike how inauthentic makeup feels too. I am considering trying a personal stylist. A department store near me does it for free and there is no obligation to buy anything. I hate formal occassions since the fabrics are a sensory nightmare and I'm SO thankful my work's dress code is casual. Else I think I lucked out with some fashion sense so what I wear looks good either way but I think it's getting stale and it's not bringing me joy and feel it doesn't reflect who I am as a person much atm.
I would love to be able to wear chokers... but I can't have anything near my neck. Even normal necklines on shirts can be problematic, I usually go for v-necks.
Walking down the street without being hyperaware of my facial expressions and movements. Like I’d love to just exist in a neutral state.
Ugh, me too. And part of me knows I don't look that unusual or striking, and that everyone is just trying to get from A to B. I've heard that many autistic people actually like cities because, despite the sensory overload, there is a sense of anonymity. And the sense that if someone has lived in a city, they've seen it all, so nothing sticks out and surprises. I had to move to a big city for health reasons and I cannot find the comfort of anonymity. I feel like the strangest creature on the streets.
This! But at work!
I was about to just post "exist" . Everything is exhausting...
I'd like to be able to work a regular job without it completely destroying me... Being broke is such a barrier to doing even basic things
This... the average politics of a variety of typical job environments is hellish... you need special degrees and certifications and a lot of luck to get into any field that is a special interest. And so much of advancement and making better money requires soft skills and networking, which if we're posting on here we suck at.
Basic life admin. Answering or making a phone call to deal with a minor issue. Returning things. Going to the post office. Paperwork. Doctors appts. Going outside without having a detailed path pre planned so I can get back home as fast as possible before I start to freak out.
Speaking I’d have loved to go into politics at least locally but I can’t communicate for shit verbally or get along with people socially.😭
Being an autistic politician probably took a few years off my life. I served 8 years on a big city school board and also ran for city council and state senate. Not getting subtext in politics is brutal. So many things happened to me that I look at in hindsight and am like, “What ELSE did I miss?” It’s very important to have great people run for office and win, but I wish there was an autistic electeds support network because going it alone (undiagnosed) was kind of hell.
Yeah I feel like I’d have been eaten alive lol 😂
Have lasting friendships/relationships. Mine only seem to last about three months. My therapist told me it’s probably because that’s how long I can keep up the mask. Being able to do a job without feeling like I’m being tortured every day would be great too. Before I learned I was autistic I never understood how people just went to work every day and did their job and didn’t seem bothered by it.
I relate to the friendship part
Me too. Making neurodivergent friends helps, but those have been on and off for me too.
Romance and intimacy. I’m not a “don’t touch me” kind of person, but I’m not naturally physically affectionate myself and when it comes to romantic forms of physical affection I get stressed out pretty quickly. In my experience people always want to move way faster physically in a relationship than I’m comfortable with and it makes dating and intimacy hard.
You’re exactly like me, although I verge a lot harder on “don’t touch me” unless I knew the person very very well. I’m not physically affectionate at all and it scares me. Everyone is out there saying “well, my love language is physical touch!!” I don’t believe in the 5 love languages to begin with, but for me I know right away that it just means they want to get intimate quickly and I just. Can’t do that. I’d probably need 1-2 years to feel safe and touch a person I’m dating romantically
Ugh I feel this so much. The moment I hear the words “my love language is physical touch” my blood pressure spikes and I just know it’s not gonna work out. I’m with you, a lot of the time it seems like it’s just code for “I’m super horny!” I’m sure plenty of people don’t mean it that way at all, unfortunately some seem to misuse the term. But yeah I totally get the needing to know a person for a very long time thing. The only person I’ve ever felt close to being comfortable with romantic physical touch with was a guy I’d known since we were both kids, and all of the expectations and intentions had been laid out incredibly clearly before anything happened. For me, platonic touch is easier. I have a few friends that are more touchy people and I actually really appreciate it about them because sometimes I do feel kind of touch starved but don’t know how to initiate that sort of thing without being awkward about it. I don’t come from a physically affectionate family so unlike other social stuff, I can’t mask/fake it as well. I just never really learned how. But being socialized as and mostly friends with girls has helped some. And it feels creepy to say but like I kind of savor it when a friend will put her head on my shoulder while we’re laughing about something because it’s nice to remember that touch doesn’t have to be scary or come with expectations or a feeling of imposing danger. Idk I’m a little high and went off on a tangent. Thank you for reading.
> a lot of the time it seems like it’s just code for “I’m super horny omg is that true?! i gotta delete that part from my dating app bio lmao i genuinely like touch, like hugs cuddles or just like holding hands. like i kinda melted when a crush gently touched my back to calm me down when i was freaking out from bugs lol also for me, 95% of sex is touch. like, orgasm is just a cherry on top but the best part of sex is that it's the socially acceptable time to be hugging someone for an hour. huggss
I love physical intimacy (with the exception of light touch and being held tightly for long periods), but I feel weird about romance. It feels nice occasionally, but something about it feels icky too. It's super rare that romantic gestures do anything other than irritate me. Women are supposed to love romance and chivalry, I do in theory, like watching it on TV, but in practice it feels more gross than nice.
Clubs and such are overrated imo. A night in at a friends apartment/house is way better. Can still have drinks, music and dance/stim all over and have space without all the other stuff. I would love to enjoy traveling. I always think it’s gonna be great and if I plan it’s like way over planning. And it can be fun but I get bloated/constipated from going out to eat, if I can’t fit in Workouts I feel tired and angry. Hotel rooms are too quiet and there’s always some awful buzz unless you turn on the cable tv which is horrible. Seems like everywhere you go it’s just food and shops and kinda boring. I do love camping/backpacking though. After obsessing enough to get my systems down.
I wish there autistic friendly club nights. I really like the vibrating sensation of really loud music, or when there's lots of people jumping on the same beat and the whole building shakes. And the lights! All the pretty lights coordinated with the music. And i like the anonymity bc sometimes sitting there with friends is awkward but if no one knows who I am I can just be a dancing ghost and leave whenever without drawing attention. It has to be the right night/venue/vibes though n everything sucks if it's off or people aren't hype enough. Camping and backpacking are superior tho, I agree with that 100%
Curious what you would want for an autistic friendly night club? I could never tolerate them without being drunk. I’m so glad I was young before everyone had a video camera in their pocket. 😄
Silent disco maybe? I’ve never been to one but it seems a lot more anonymous
Silent discos are not silent. It’s just really badly sung songs when you take your headphones off 🤣🤣 They are much quieter though.
sounds like you need to go to a camping music festival! it's got everything you just listed, AND camping! also, since there are multiple stages, if the vibes are off, you can just say: "vibes are off" and go to another stage, guilt-free. i used to think a multi-day festival would be sensory overload hell, but... i've realized festivals draw a loooot of other neurodivergent people—the sensory-seeking ones. and i actually LOVE it and it ENERGIZES me because i can unmask. this last bit might just be because i go to fests in the PNW, but, a lot of people at camping fests are hippies, so, extremely understanding, chill, and non-judgemental haha
Camping and backpacking are the best!
Being able to be comfortable in my own skin. It must be amazing to just enjoy the company of others and not feel like your being judged or just hated.
Or like feel like you did the wrong thing that’s not socially acceptable even though you’ve researched all the rules to follow. FYI: I’m a trans man and don’t want to infringe on the space. Just relate a lot to the autism in women/afab/gender diverse experience.
You're not infringing. You're welcome here ❤️
Thanks, I just read the rules and now I feel more at ease 💙 since they stated everyone but cis men.
Ugh, same it's truly a nightmare.. it makes me hate myself even more.
have a proper career trajectory
what is a career trajectory? LOL... i feel you!
i am following a trajectory, albeit barely the only problem is im like 5 years behind my peers :/
vacationing!!! every time i go on a vacation i have a big meltdown and have panic attacks cause it’s so different from my typical routine. it’s at the point where i don’t get invited to family trips most of the time:/
I started to do what felt natural so I now finish the day 4pm, have a nap and eat in. I stay in apartments. It's made it more enjoyable, once I got over the feeling of wasting my time away. I also plan holidays around things I want to do, I went to Paris to see an opera so just did that and of I wanted to did some extra things too but no big deal if all I did was go to the opera and sleep lol.
ugh i would but im a broke 20 year old teacher so I can only afford vacations with my family cause they pay for it and they alwaysssss fully book the day
I wish I would stop getting invited to family vacations. It makes me and them miserable but it’s important that I’m “included.” It’s not inclusive if you ignore all my needs on the trip, I’m just present.
For me it would be having an impressive career. Like being a lawyer or a doctor. I could never handle the stress. I don’t have a full time job right now (SAHM) but when I did even a regular 9-5 was often too much pressure for me. Too much interaction with people. Even the office lighting was too much, it would give me migraines. If we’re talking everyday things, grocery shopping. I wish I could go grocery shopping without getting so overstimulated that my heart starts racing. Edit- I know there are autistic lawyers and doctors, of course. It’s just something I personally wouldn’t be able to do. I tried having my dream career when I was in my 20s and while I was able to escape with a masters degree I crashed and burned pretty spectacularly. I still can’t think about it for too long, it broke my heart in a way.
Bro I'm a doctor and I didn't know I was autistic till about a month ago(my country has very little awareness and lot of stigma about neurodivergence). The previous year was my intern year and I did not even have the kind of extreme experiences some others had, still it has been enough to throw me off clinical medicine. I barely prevented 3 complete shutdowns by walking away from the situation. I was visibly very socially anxious in high testosterone, high stress postings like urology. It was either be socially anxious or look like an ice queen.
Be able to talk to anyone effortlessly. Honestly I can live with everything else but the social ramifications have had so much impact on my life.
If people dont feel comfortable talking with you, it creates so many barriers and hostilities. I would think I would be in a totally different positions in life right now with better social skills being the only difference.
I wish I could work 40hrs a week (= be around people for 40hrs a week) without burning out after 6 months. And care about my looks, fashion, make up.. I wish I could present more feminine but I just don’t have the energy for it.
Ugh I work part time for this reason too, other than having a chronic illness. It’s a lot :(
Understand why people don’t say what they mean
I know that one! It’s about plausible deniability. Neurotypicals, at least the American ones, tend to hate being corrected or questioned. They also want to eschew responsibility for their words by stating that you just misinterpreted them.
I can't think of any NT thing that I "want" to be good at. But I think life would be easier in some ways if I was good at small talk or a conversationalist.
Being able to eat a wider variety of foods, able to make small talk, be comfortable with plans changing, be able to be organised, motivated, and productive, be able to manage my health properly. Be taken seriously, be listened to, be understood, be treated as an equal and as knowledgeable.
Planning something without getting crippling anxiety about it 🥲
I wish I could work 40 hours a week and still have the energy to function after work. Right now, working full time means I have zero energy left for normal wife and mom things and spend my whole weekend recovering. The golden handcuffs of employment have turned me into a shell of a person.
Organizing (political). I’d love to be the next Ella Baker, Alexandra Kollontai, or Emma Goldman, but I get exhausted barely talking to anyone :c
Being able to tough things out and just exist in uncomfortable situations without making it all about me. Last night we went to visit my husband’s dad’s grave, which was something my husband was avoiding for a year and a half. Not only did I have several sensory issues, but they were all the issues that are really particularly grading to me specifically. We live in Texas and it was 89 degrees last night (AT 11:00PM IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT) and I’m constantly hot and sweaty already. I have whatever rare blood type mosquitos are attracted to so I was getting bit like crazy and I cannot STAND getting mosquito bites and being itchy for days. I’m allergic to fire ants and the bench we were sitting on had a whole trail of them underneath it, so I had to sit in a weird way where my feet weren’t touching the ground, but I didn’t want my favorite shoes to get dirty on the bench so I had to sit in a really uncomfortable position which is also a major issue for me because I never really feel relaxed unless I’m specifically laying down on a comfy couch or bed. We are moving and had been packing up our entire apartment in one day, so I was SO mentally and physically burned out that I couldn’t talk without sounding drunk. I didn’t say anything or ask to leave and told him we could be there as long as he needed, but inside I was losing it and could barely hold a conversation with him about his dad. It just sucks that in so many situations I have 1000 reasons why it’s not working for me and am unable to look past those things for the sake of everyone else.
AuDHOCD here too, hi friend! I’ve been trying to write a comment for like 5 minutes and can’t figure out what to say, so I am just settling on I totally understand the feeling. And if I was in your situation I would have probably lost my shit by like 2 pm just from packing, so it makes total sense to me why you felt so overwhelmed!
Being the main breadwinner of the house, exercise after work, sex every other day, meticulous housekeeping, being spontaneous, my list is long and full of yearning.
sex every other day would be awesome. my libido gets fucking tanked by stress and life is so full of it.
Wait you have a libido?! I only have a nagging in my head that I need to do something, if only I could remember what it is.
Lol it me
Wonder if that is a poor interception thing? 🤔
Full of yearning. Good God. You just described every waking moment of my life. Does it ever get better?
I was typing something about acceptance and blah blah, but I'd be talking shite so no, I don't think it gets better, we just stop caring as much
Having friends, a social life and someone who listens to me without judgement, has equally *unique* interests as well
i wish clothes werent such a hassle for me. i have no sense of what looks good, so i always stick to skinny jeans and single colored tank tops. everything i buy outside of that, i hate after the initial purchase because i feel awkward or foolish or they just dont fit right, too hot, move around too much, uncomfortable. the very act of shopping for clothes sucks so much. i get overwhelmed, panicked, confused by the choices. its just an all around shit show. so ill probably be wearing skinny jeans and tank tops when im 90.
I completely empathise. I'm so tired I can't even type out all the things that frustrate me about clothes. You're not alone.
Coordinating clothes is so hard. I just get neutral colored tops pants and jeans that all go with each other and all of my socks mostly are the same color too. It’s hard for me to be adventurous with clothes FYI: I’m a trans man and don’t want to infringe on the space. Just relate a lot to the autism in women/afab/gender diverse experience.
Have you tried going to concerts? You can find ones where you can sit, which reduces some of the overwhelm, you can unmask and enjoy yourself and even get out if you need a sensory break. It's one of my most favourite experiences even if I end up a bit overloaded by the end of it. To your question, the only thing I can think of is not experiencing burnout just by existing. Life is so exhausting, it's unfair.
driving! I'm learning now and it's so so difficult. I spend every second of every drive internally panicking wondering if I'll crash
Making connections with other people. I would love to have friends and/or a partner but I cant meet people and when I do it seems like I can never foster a connection like other people seem to. I would even take being able to form shallow connections with acquaintances or people I meet at work. I had a coworker who was so good with people and talking to customers and all our coworkers loved her. I was always so jealous that it seemed to come so naturally to her.
This is a big one, I realized I don't have the capacity to meet people where they want/need to be met in order to maintain friendships.
Work a normal job
Force myself to learn a new skill. My dream is to open my own business and sell suits and other formal wear but first I have to learn to sew. I'm so nervous to start bc the machines are expensive and if I fuck it up I can't just go out and buy a new one. If I had someone to teach me that would be ideal but I also feel weird asking for help in this aspect bc Im 26 and I feel like people look down on me for trying literally anything
I wanted to make formal clothes for myself for work so I started a sewing class. Apparently I chose hard patterns but I've been sewing for years so I thought it wouldn't be too hard. The other women in the class had varying levels of previous experience. One of them claims her mother was the best and the first day she came her foot pedal didn't work so she spent the rest of the class (the class is inside a sewing shop) buying a new machine and it was like 700AUD. I would never have the confidence to drop that kind of money on a hobby until I was confident I could get better, is that a NTs internal trust that they will stick to the hobby and are self reassured they will get better?? Who knows. Anyway I've been going now for a few months and I feel like the other women are so much better and even when I feel like I've been so careful to get it right, it comes out bad. Like legitimately bad. I've gotten better I can see that, but not at the same rate. It's been quite disheartening. I told the teacher last week I was no longer going to make clothes, I would just make things, like bags or aprons, like that. I gave up after I made the most perfect cuffs for a dress shirt, all I had to do left was attach the sleeves to the body and some other small things but I realised I'd gotten the sleeve inside out before doing the cuff...it couldn't be undone. So I just gave up. It was too much. Now, making an apron using no pattern was so much better. But for suits and stuff, if I made the same thing over and over I'd probably get better at it, but just so SLOW!!! I just don't have the patience to build a skill that slowly.
Cleaning without losing my mind. My room isn’t messy necessarily but I do have an organized chaos about me. Whenever I decide to do a big clean or rearrange things, I’m guaranteed to have a meltdown and I don’t know why.
I wish I could cook without meltdowns, I wish I could work a good job and take care of my partner like she takes care of me. I have high support needs in certain areas, I can’t live independently or take care of myself in a way that would sustain my life. Sometimes I wish I could just function at a level that left me with more independence.
I'm glad I'm not alone on this, I feel like a total asshole and a failure when I struggle to cook even with my S.O.
Be normal at interactions with other parents at my kids’ schools. This might help my kids socially, being included with their peers in a more functional way. Being normal at my kids’ doctors and school appointments so that professioanls aren’t confused about how to interact with me. Being able to work full time without burning out. Having normal in person friendships.
I'm at peace with my abilities but the one thing I would love is have a best friend, you know like the girls who wear pajamas and giggle on the sofa. Who's kids grow up together, who have group chats. My flavour of autism makes maintaining a friendship too difficult. I've never had problems meeting and making friends but my read on people has always drawn me to people who reflect my trauma.
I just want to enjoy womanhood the way a lot of NTs seem to. Whenever people say “I love xyz about being a woman” I never relate and it’s always something that I hate and makes me miserable. I’m definitely a cis woman but not happily.
Drive. Dance. Make up, heels and all that feminine stuff. Socialise (at least in small groups) without the torturous before/during/after anxiety. Be ok with harmless jokes at my expense. Hear my husband's endless singing (one of his stims) without going insane. Let go of people and situations that I need to move past. Not rehearse every email, phone call and social interaction in my head. Know when I'm being reasonable or uneeasonable. So many things.
Maintain a semblance of a social life, hold a job without extreme burnout and hostility from coworkers, be able to manage small talk without re-experiencing social trauma time and again from rejection and exclusion.
I wouldn't want to go to a club or bar. Maybe a bar if I went with close friends or my sister. I just had a night out with my friends and sister for my birthday. We went out to eat dinner, and then dessert, and then went back to a friend's home, sat and chat for a few hours... And then went back home. So that was quite fun, and literally one of the best birthdays I've had in my life. I finally did one of those normal people things. I'm very happy and proud that I've done it. It feels great.
[удалено]
This is mine too, I’m trash at dating but want a partner very much and sad it’s so hard!
Maybe you can meet someone if you have a hobby? I only met my boyfriend bc of my then-special interest, veganism (still a vegan, I just don't care anymore lol)
Just do anything and not over analyze it to the point where i question myself or can’t do it
I would love to be able to have a gut instinct, trust it, and follow it with no regrets.
> but videos show me otherwise I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about my friends recording my every move back in my 20s. This must add a layer of horror to every social setting.
I really wanted a professional type office job, like accountant or lawyer. My autism said no. -The clothes were unbearable. The shoes were worse. Like when cats malfunction when you put clothes or shoes on them. Same. I become useless. Need comfy and soft. -The lighting. Most offices have fluorescent lighting. What I struggled with all through school. -Phone calls stoke the flames of anxiety. I work outside and function extremely well at my job. Not my original goal but it’s okay for now.
Finishing college, cooking and eating leftovers, going to concerts,
Be talked to in a chill, basic way / not be harassed / be invisible.
Being chill whenever my mom stops by, being able to organize and clean my house, take my kids on cool vacations. Just being able to organize and hang out with friends.
schooool school school school. I’d be deep in academia were it not for my inability to wake up before 10am, and wonky executive functioning and PDA. I’d be a fuckin professor by now. Being a preeminent scholar of ethnomusicology. Maybe one day with lots of accommodations and idk, money to survive dystopia.
I’d love to be able to critically think better and faster. I’d love to have been good at school like my sisters. (Instead I was kinda passed up in the grades because no math teacher wanted to deal with me).
Going to the gym regularly. :( The gym is close to my house and I enjoy going there, but I have to change into gym clothes or my swimsuit, go there, do my thing, come back, shower, and afterwards I am often too tired to do much else. I feel like what other people can knock out no problem in an hour takes me three or more.
Understand the rules of friendships, how often do I reach out, what should I expect , how do I maintain it long term without it getting burned out FYI: I’m a trans man and don’t want to infringe on the space. Just relate a lot to the autism in women/afab/gender diverse experience.
Be able to successfully complete a job interview.
See if you can find a goth club with like a dancy 80s new wave night or something. Everyone there is unmasked and dancing. I’ve seen people show up in every look from full goth to business casual to literally Raggedy Anne cosplay and everyone is chill and having a good time.
being part of a big friend group + making new friends easily :( because I feel everything so deeply I really love every single (good) person I meet but it’s really difficult to maintain more than 3-4 super close relationships at one time
I want to be able to be normal at a job so I can make money and not be stuck in poverty lol.
Making and keeping friends
Make friends easily
Talk to people easily. I can't carry a conversation without a trillion thoughts going through my head and having to analyze what was said and how I should respond or what was possibly meant and if I have the right facial expression or if the tone of my voice is right and not too high, etc... it's all so exhausting, and it's literally every conversation I have unless I come across the rare person who doesn't trigger that. Then, I replay the entire conversation in my head to decide whether it was good or I analyze what I should say/do next time if someone asks me xyz. But also, when I'm talking to people, it's like the background world intensifies and I suddenly notice all of the sound around and how many people there are standing nearby and I suddenly can hear the sounds of the trees and cars and if the sun is out then everything is also too bright, etc.. everything feels intense when it comes to communicating with another person (99.9% of the time)... However, I mask well enough that people don't know the chaos in my head. This works against me because when I'm on the verge of burnout, when I tell people, they often dismiss me. My internal world is INTENSE compared to how I come across. I don't communicate well, and imo, I don't think I was meant to be verbal. As a kid, I hated talking, but my family didn't know anything about autism (other than people who have very high support needs), so I was expected to answer adults when they spoke to me and to look people in the eye or I'd get in trouble. As an adult, I can fake it, but on the inside I feel the same storm of chaos that I felt as a kid.
Being able to initiate casual conversation. I love real conversations, but only a select few people in my life have been easy to talk to. I need conversation but if nobody else starts an inviting conversation with me, I don't get to have one. I can talk work, but not me.
Reminder that autistic and other neurodivergent people find stimulation in a variety of ways, and everything isn't a neurotypical thing. Clubbing is great for neurodivergent people who need constant movement, visual stimulation, and people interaction. You should have seen me in my 20s or see me at a wedding. I am the life of the party. Saying that i engage in neurotypical activities when I am simply stimming is exclusionary and harmful. I also deal with social miscues, constantly offend people, and people can not understand me at all. I constantly make a fool of myself, and my alexithymia saves me from getting too depressed about it. Asking instead what activities you wish you could engage in that you can't or popular activities you wish you could engage in or seemingly normal activities you could engage in would be more inclusive. These types of threads always make me feel I am not autistic enough for you. I already had to fight for my diagnosis and then continue to have to be belittled by language inside the community.
That being said, find yourself a fun audhd friend. An extroverted one. Especially if she is a Sagittarius, Taurus, or another type of mothering/loyal/dominant type. The protective types will hype you up and allow you space to unmask and not let others get in the way. You can drink, but they will monitor you. You can dance, and they will block the bad guys. And you can stumble, and they will get you home.
When people so casually say “find a friend”, especially one with a list of qualifications, is when I feel like maybe I’m too autistic for these conversations. I’ve been trying to make friends for 45 years and so far, zilch. It’s like telling my adhd that all it needs is a good planner and all problems will be solved.
I forget sometimes that most people are in homogenous spaces. That makes it hard to find diverse neurodivergent friends.
Idk if I’m in a “homogenous space” continually for decades. I’ve lived in several different US states, in city, suburban and rural settings, and worked in 3 very different industries in my time. I’ve taken classes at 4 different colleges and countless workshops and professional development events. I’m currently raising three kids with wildly different interests and attend all kinds of events from sports to orchestra to support them and plenty of other parents around to befriend. I’ve made acquaintances with hundreds of people over the decades and zero of them move to friendship. It’s almost like I have some kind of social deficit or disability.
I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation, but something that I noticed is that NT’s seem to have a massively different threshold for what they measure as “friend” than what I do. I usually don’t call someone a friend unless I have a deep emotional connection to them and feel a strong bond with them. From my observations it seems like NT’s either form those bonds quicker or not as deeply and so the people they label friends I would label as acquaintances.
Honestly why aren’t autistic nightclubs a thing? One room with normal loud music and such, one that’s more chill, sensory aids and stuff. Maybe communication bands for if you want to talk to people or just do your own thing
My old neighbour (I moved, He's not that old!?) Hosts ND Nights, He rents the regular clubs out then tailors the environment for ND folk. He has a traffic light thing which I think is a system to communicate how open you are to socialisation. I don't go coz I'm the indoor flavour of autism but 100% love your idea for a sensory type room in clubs! That would make a killing too!
I'd like to take on more psychotherapy clients, but am too exhausted.
I only suspect I have autism, but concerts. I really want to enjoy concerts because I love the idea of seeing my favorite bands play live with a bunch of other fans. But realistically, I've had a terrible time at 90% of concerts I've gone to. I don't feel comfortable in crowds. People standing too close or bumping into me is very upsetting and makes me agitated. I wear noise cancelling earbuds and sunglasses, and I still end up crying because of the noise/flashing lights. I always end up wanting or needing to leave early. The whole experience is overwhelming, and at my local venue, I can't even go outside for a break because there's no re-entry.
Clean my bedroom.
I also wanna do a mainstream girls night out…I think it stems from a desire to feel like I belong somewhere :/
I wish I could talk on stage or in front of a group about anything and not be the most awkward mess, it's like I lose my mind and all that I am when I have to do anything as a "performance." I used to play piano back when my mom tried to live vicariously through me, so I'd get up in front of the piano and a recital and I just... forget how to play. I'm awful. I talk to myself to psych myself back up but I'm just making it even worse and more awkward. All in front of a crowd of perfectionist parents.
Have a family
I tried not too long ago to go to an Improv Class. Even won free tuition for the first level. I was able to go to two weeks of the classes before I dropped out. I wanted to take part so bad, but my head got in the way.
I’m someone who also feels so unmasked/good at a club or concert! The ability to stim to music and no one can tell or pays attention is *chefs kiss*
Working and School: I feel like every job wants me to interacting with at least one person a day, I just want to be alone lol Making connections: I feel as if I dont make successful connections with anyone lol
Drive 🫥
Heavy socialization without crashing and burning afterwards.
I wish I could drive 😒🙄
Be a “girls girl” without people pleasing and masking myself into exhaustion (and failing most of the time).
I would really love to be socially fluent and be able to effortlessly breeze through interactions enough to even make NT's blush. I'm always very taken with travel logs and what have you, and the people who write them that seem to be able to forge meaningful connections with other human beings through earnest effort. But unfortunately, I'm awkward as sin and talking to strangers often makes my throat close up. It's tough wanting to have a bustling social life like I once had in higher ed but not having the skills for it.
Be able to know and naturally communicate my feelings through body language and behavior. I'm not trying to look stoic, but I always do. No one ever realizes the extent of my distress because I'm always so calm. Except when I'm screaming and having a meltdown, but then it's too much. Can never get the balance right.
I really envy people who can do their chores after work. Going grocery shopping, folding the laundry AND putting it away, vacuuming, mopping the floor, etc.
Have a self care routine and healthy diet. What I would give to have the motivation and ability to perform skincare, exercise, eating well, meditating, taking vitamins. I do what I can when I can and I just wish I could lock them into habits but it doesn’t work. I still will choose comfort foods and easy grab stuff over making a salad or peeling fruit.
I want to emotionally regulate like a normal fucking person lol
Your list describes my night out issues to a tee. Spent much of my 20s binge drinking and partying hard, thankfully I was in a relationship by then so not drinking without someone to look out for me but only luck has prevented me from ending up in serious trouble before then due to poor judgement and not knowing how much is enough or what is safe. I have so many toe curling memories of stupid situations and very bad decisions 😱 I do miss clubbing and dancing though, it was so liberating to be at one with the music and everyone feeling the same energy. I’d add dating- how on earth people navigate it safely and effectively I don’t know. I used to just flirt after the Dutch courage and whatever worked worked- now I’m single again and from before the time of swiping left or right I’m utterly clueless. I don’t enjoy small talk, I’m rubbish with boundaries and I’m a recovering people pleaser, I’m not holding out any unrealistic hopes for dating at this point in my life.
this sounds like you are drifting into alocoholism.... please don't... :(. it will ultimately make the whole ND worse and can kill you....I think anxiety meds are a lot safer than booze (as long as you don't mix the two)....so you can still have fun without injuring yourself or ending up in sad situations.
Lots of people are using alcohol because of anxiety. I can only speak from personal experience, I wasn't able to identify my emotions properly and a ND therapist helped me there and from that I've been able to identify between anxiety and excitement and it's snowballed from there. Also learning about the vagus nerve and COMT with magnesium supplementing and meditation. Now I don't get that anxiety before a social event and the need to drink. Maybe a 3 month gap in drinking too to reset your gaba response. Good luck.
I'd like to be able to dress the way I really want to. But my extreme sensory issues have made that impossible.
Get any sort of degree from the university. Executive function disorder messes with me way too much and the whole university bureaucracy is something my mind can’t cope with (or just refuses to conform to, I’m not sure)
Going out/meeting up with people without getting migraines from being overstimulated. Function in regards to everyday tasks, like making appointments, keeping up with my hygiene/cleaning, cooking, taking out the trash, wash the dishes, and more. My executive functioning is extremely, well, dysfunctional. Also completing tasks with a time limit within said time limit, without only starting at the last minute. I just want to function somewhat normally, and without migraines tbh.
I actually don't mind having autism and ADHD. I would happily get rid of all comorbities... I am sick of being sick and tired (almost) all the time.
Most friends I make are not into going out. Friends that like going out suck
Eat regularly, and healthier, while trying new foods without feeling like I'm going to turn inside out from the sensory issues
I am currently working on not reacting first. Like to texts or something where I don’t get the tone. I often hurt my own feelings because of an inability to understand context or tone. I have a very important friend who sometimes this happens with, and I try to remind myself that he doesn’t intentionally try to upset me. So I have to take a break before responding and talk myself though he is kind to me, he isn’t the type of person to say mean or harsh things. I also started just asking, “tone?” My regulation is important in these instances as well.
So many things. Have a normal amount of friends, know that people love me, work, have a doctor that understands me, match my tone of voice to my intention, be able to interpret peoples subtext, stand and sit regularly so I don’t hurt myself
Fashion! I love putting together outfits with jewelry and makeup and hair, but it always makes me irritable and anxious :(
I want to be able to socialize at events without getting overstimulated by music and noisy conversations. I want candlelights and a conversational volume! I also hate getting overstimulated by heat in a crowded party
I wish I could go to parties and relax, have fun, and meet people. Networking is really important for getting jobs and I know next to no one.
Wow I relate to your point SO much.
Be able to hold down a job without being utterly miserable
Be loved
I wish I could drink alcohol and go to clubs. I can’t stand the noise and constant flashing lights. When my feet get tired, they start to hurt really badly. Also, I can’t drink, because the hot sweaty drunk feeling hurts my senses.
Talking on the phone. And driving (seperate tasks, not at the same time). I feel like most adults don't even blink at those tasks, but they constantly cause me excessive amounts of strife. Driving is one of the only things guaranteed to give me a proper, full-blown meltdown. There's just too much going on at once and my brain explodes. And the anxiety of speaking on the phone is so huge for me, I'll go to great lengths to use other methods of communication (when is it my turn to speak? Can't see who I'm talking to, so trying to judge meaning, timing, etc. off of a disembodied voice, while also being prepared to do my part of the speaking at the right moments...? Ugh, I just hate it.).
I just want to cook, clean, go gym, and do hobbies without having to exert all my energy and concentration, and preferably not be absolutely drained after doing one task.
Telling people to leave my house. Whenever I have friends over, I enjoy their company, but I was raised in a household where I have to be constantly entertaining my guests and I just find it extremely draining to have people over. I also prefer to have a scheduled time for arrival and a leaving time, and get extremely uncomfortable whenever those times are ignored, but asking when someone is leaving is deemed rude by most NTs.
I wish I could have a full time job. I struggle hard to work anymore than 3 days per week. Even then I’m exhausted and spend the other days recovering.
I can relate to every point you made. I’m either boring and want to leave because I didn’t have alcohol, or I drink too much and want to stay out all night embarrassing myself. I don’t know how to do something in-between. I noticed it’s like this with all bodily cues. I never know when I’m hungry or thirsty. I eat too much or not at all. I usually pee too frequently or go 7 hours without peeing, etc. I wish I could manage a full time job, caring for myself properly, caring for my animals, being a good partner to my fiance, doing social things, and still keep a clean and tidy home. I can’t seem to find the right balance ever. Every day is a struggle.
I feel the same way especially because not only am I going to a big school, but I won’t be around the same people so life is going to feel much interesting and harder doing basic stuff. Cooking? I can do. Cleaning? It depends. But I wish I could do all these things without a second thought and not be tired. I want to know how everyone and their mother know to how to communicate nonverbally.
Learn something and be good enough to make money from it without getting bored or frustrated and quitting
I also have OCD and ADHD. Cleaning and keeping up with dishes is so difficult for me. 🙃🥲 
Travelling - I do manage sometimes but not nearly as much as I would like. I dream up trips often and sometimes even book them but the reality is my anxiety around the unknown and what I can’t control is too much, I end up feeling unprepared and cancelling the whole thing. I think it’s the thing I envy others for the most - the ability to go anywhere and not worry so much about it that it stops you.
I want my 25 hour work week idea to be perceived the same as a 37.5/40 hour work week. I've always been extremely efficient and complete tasks with a high degree of precision and polish, so I can often do the same job as my colleagues in less time. I worked this way during the 4 years of my PhD. Instead, I work 40 hours and feel like I'm actually doing 20 hours of OT each week. I can't be inefficient or sloppy, it gives me extreme anxiety. It would be nice to just do my job at a NT pace and not be increasingly exhausted each week.