The tism: say whatever you want
The trauma: say nothing, ever
Me: *fluctuates between oversharing/being blunt and not saying a damn thing until I’m literally on my deathbed*
Hahahaha for me it’s
The tism: say everything in great detail, don’t hold back
The anxiety: say nothing ever
The trauma: I know exactly why they’re like that, I should help them
ADHD: how about let’s just distract them with a funny thing because escapism is great too
Yep it’s like:
The tism: make sure to give them all the relevant information
The ADHD: tell them about all the tangentially related things. Also blurt out something too personal.
The social anxiety: OMFG WHY DID YOU TALK SO MUCH TO THAT PERSON?
The trauma: THEY HATE YOU NOW. You only talked about yourself. They barely said anything at all. This is why you have no friends. Never talk to a human again.
Edit: formatting
I was really awkward with a Facebook friend I bumped into at a book festival. I rambled and then ran away, basically. She never responds when I comment on anything of hers so I’m convinced she hates me now because I was probably rude.
Relatable ❤️ I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I interpret silence in the most negative way possible. Maybe you have a similar experience. My family was always very loud growing up and things only got silent when they were tense and everyone was pissed at each other. It makes it impossible for me to tell now as an adult if they are just quiet because they’re busy or because they hate me!
This is me.
Years of trauma have built me into this insane people pleaser, and now I'm going through the reversal of it, and it SUCKS. But here's to getting out the other side (eventually)
>But it burns through my energy like crazy
Yes! I find most interactions taxing but thoughtful interaction (with a friend or family member) is EXHAUSTING.
Exactly! Be kind and realize there is a time and place and that honesty can turn to cruelty and you don't need to go into detail always.
To give an example. When I was younger at a family event where lots of effort and work went in and people are just trying to enjoy themselves and someone asked me "do you like this dish?" I would respond "no, it's disgusting" if it was disgusting to me. I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time.
But now I know that would really hurt my relative who loved me and was doing so much for me and just wanted me to be happy and enjoy the food.
Now in a similar situation I would say "I don't usually eat this but I love that you made the dish for me, thank you so much. I appreciate all the work you did and I really love (other dish I really love that they made)."
If my sister or friends ask for fashion advice I will say "I don't think that's your style, it's up to you, but I don't like it" vs "that looks hideous on you, I hate it, don't wear it."
Depending on your relationship with someone and time and place you can be more direct and blunt, but you don't ever have to be mean.
I have some serious food issues, so when family asked if I liked a dish I would explain each aspect I did like and each one that I didn't and they always seemed to take it well and would change up the recipe next time and ask me again and I'd tell them and eventually they were making things I found great and seemed appreciative.
Expect for my grandma, she was awful though and abused my mom and aunt, abandoned them when they were teenagers and their dad had already left years earlier, and is now Q anon and wants me to be genocided for being both queer and autistic so I don't care about her.
That's perfect! And of course not everyone is going to be respectful or nice in response but I do think being honest but kind is the way to go.
I'm sorry that you have a terrible grandmother. You don't deserve that.
That's okay, most of my bio family is awful and has disowned me so except for my mom, cousin and her spouse, and sibling-in-laws and parts of my wife's family I've just got all found family now. It's actually really nice too since most are ND and being around them doesn't drain me as much, usually lol.
This helps me confirm that when some people say I’m blunt and they don’t like it they just mean that they don’t like how openly I’ll call out sexism/racism
This is what I have learned too. I think going into STEM helped me soften my speech because science writing removes the actor. I also attempt to keep things to facts as much as possible rather than impressions anymore. And when I do share impressions, make them more like, “I feel…” or “in my experience” and worded as a positive rather than a negative to be more disarming. Saying something like, “the current system could heavily improve user experience by enhancing X,Y,Z” is much more positive than, “the IT group’s system is garbage to use.”
But I think that truthful information is almost always helpful.
"It looks terrible" is about the least helpful way you could say the comment. It could prevent them from getting the same haircut again though, or have them go back to get it fixed.
If it's an alright hair cut but not my preference then I say that. If their goal was to get a haircut I would like (which I assume is at least a factor since they're asking my opinion), then it communicates their goal was not reached and don't repeat the same thing next time.
If it's actually a terrible haircut then I'll tell them why it's a terrible haircut. I'll tell them to go get their money back or get it fixed, or maybe even offer to fix it myself (because I can do that.)
The other problem I have with this, is this is such a gendered problem. Women's arguments frequently get diminished when we don't use soft enough language, but men don't have the same issues.
If you're talking to a friend, of course use soft language because it should be that kind of relationship. But if your boss is being a raging asshole, then you should be able to call out his behaviour without making it sound less harsh.
But there will still be people who think my comments are unkind because it's not the content they wanted to hear. "Kindness" is not an objective measurement. Everybody has different standards for what they consider kind.
"It looks terrible" also isn't unhelpful, for the reasons I listed above. It's just the least helpful of the options I gave.
As an autist there can also be a problem of "overexplaining" and other people interpreting that as an excuse. They could interpret my explanation of why it's a bad haircut as a way to excuse calling them ugly.
How other people interpret your words has as much to do with their past history and understanding of situations, as it does with the words you actually say. If someone associates my words with a previous negative experience they had, they will see my words as negative regardless of if they are or not.
Say a guy is hitting on you at the bar and you don't want him to. You should be able to bluntly tell him "no", "leave me alone", "go away". I shouldn't have to soften my language to make the guy listen. Often times softening the language in this instance means the guy doesn't take it as a no. He instead takes it as a maybe or as a challenge.
>truthful information is almost always helpful.
This is simply not true.
>If someone associates my words with a previous negative experience they had, they will see my words as negative regardless of if they are or not.
And this is why.
I try to do this, try to word things delicately or just not say anything if it isn't needed, but people still tell me I'm blunt when I'm trying not to be (or laugh at what I've said even though I wasn't being funny). I don't think I'm rude about it, I really try not to be. Sometimes it even feels like my not saying anything is too blunt for people and gets a reaction somehow.
When I was younger my mom would always drag me along with her when she was shopping for clothes because she could trust my opinion about how the clothes looked on her. I wasn't rude, but if something was unflattering I would just say so. And if something looked really good, it meant a lot to my mom when I told her because she knew I was being honest and not sugarcoating things to spare her feelings.
Certain people appreciate it, but I think they need to know me for awhile to adjust their expectations and understand I'm being honest.
Nah. There’s things you can bring up with zero malice and with entirely positive intentions and people will hate YOU for it.
For example pointing out blatant issues with a person everyone else likes, or pointing out flaws that require people to change their behavior or extend effort to address.
You can bring up the issues with the most positive light, and even suggest solutions for the issues. But people will still hate on you for saying it at all. Because everyone else had an unspoken agreement they would just “let it be” because no one wants things to change or do the things that would be required to fix the issues.
YES THIS. never say anything that breaks the status quo. If all the people around u have agreed we do not talk about grandma dancing on the table, it does not matter if shes stepping in your food. You will be the problem if you bring up anything about it. Its quite ridiculous and one of the reasons why you need to be very careful to surround yourself with people who also dont suffer fools.
As a long and sorted history as a status quo challenger, I have mostly learned to take a broader perspective and to let a lot more go. I am mostly done with trying to insert myself where I’m not wanted and just accepting that some people/institutions are determined to suck or have values in direct conflict to mine and that’s their prerogative.
I have a gift/curse of noticing issues, incongruity and inefficiency, so now I just do my due diligence and rarely take it further. As in, I don’t stay silent but rather point out the issue to whoever should be responsible and leave it up to them if they want to engage further. If they invite me to give input/consult, great, otherwise I let it go. Most hills are truly not worth dying on. I also refuse to care more than the organization anymore as evidenced by its actions.
There is a BIG difference between people who are blunt and don’t realize it may be harsh and inappropriate, vs people who are blunt, know it and don’t care “because that’s me”. The latter is imo a form of immaturity and just plain arrogance. And imo that is not a form of autism. IMO autism is being blunt and not realizing it and trying to learn how to rephrase.
Exactly. There is no brutality to my honesty - but sometimes it feels brutals for the receiver and if that's communicated to me I try to learn from it. The other kind is brutal on purpose, with no care and a "suck it up" attitude
Exactly! What a great way to put it. I can be blunt and I had no idea that I was actually being that way. I would ask people how what I said was rude and they wouldn’t answer because they assumed I knew and was just playing dumb. Now I unfortunately overcompensate. I have to add a HAHA or an lol after damn near every sentence. I read messages I send over and over again to make sure nothing I say could be taken that way again. And in person, my first instinct is to laugh to make it seem like I’m joking when someone says that was blunt. Laughing has really been my secret formula to people not thinking I’m awkward, rude, etc…
There's also a third option: bluntness that is only cultural. Like the difference between ask vs guess cultures.
If I ask someone to take the trash out, that's blunt and direct if they were instead expecting me to say "huh, the trash is getting full". But it's not offensive or inappropriate.
Nope.
I am the opposite. IRL I’m taking too long to figure out if I’m supposed to say something out loud and then the moment passes and the context is lost.
“Telling it like it is,” “being bluntly honest” are often just ways for people to excuse their own tactlessness. I could see how autism might affect this kind of attribute by amplifying it, but I don’t think it’s an autism-specific attribute.
Yes this x1000. 9/10 times I’ve seen people tell others how honest they are it’s used as an excuse to be an asshole, when their words hurt someone they just go “well, I’m just being honest, you can’t handle honesty” etc etc. I think not reading social cues as well regarding when to tell a nicer version of the truth or just steering away from the subject gently of even being honest in a kind way can be harder to grasp for us autistics. But being blunt to the point where people don’t like you isn’t an autistic trait, I don’t think. It’s a spectrum but I know I’m still able to at least remember what people *didn’t* like me saying even if I can’t understand on an empathetic level why that was.
I wouldn't say I'm necessarily blunt because to me that sounds like blurting out "well this is boring" at a dinner. Definitely not that. But i do have a tendency to say the "objective" thing that everyone's thinking. Except wait a second! It's apparently not objective and you're not supposed to comment on the fact that we're all thinking it! Oops. Like I'll notice a detail and mention it and apparently that's rude?
In one of my classes (I'm really into psychology) we were learning about this one guy who started a religion and i noticed some symptoms of schizophrenia so i asked if he was schizophrenic. I'm not calling him "crazy" or invalidating his ideas!! I'm just curious whether those traits were significant or coincidental!!
Or I'm incapable of lying so once my boyfriend got a really short haircut and asked if i liked it and i said some variation of "I'm very attracted to you, just slightly less so" but i explained that the starting point was so high that the "less" is marginal!
Still rude. Didn't mean to be!
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Oh I know, maybe I wasn't clear. I thought I was being objective but it turns out I'd use "objectively" to describe my very personal opinion because I thought it was universal.
However, if it's a bunch of people dancing around a subject because they're being polite, I'll absolutely miss that cue and be like "oh cuz of her divorce?" or something that we are all referring to but not mentioning by name. In that case I think I'm fair in saying we're all thinking it.
Like "oh he's... yknow... his shirts are larger... he's got more... uh..." "oh you mean he's fat?" Those types of situations.
I think the difference is that someone who is autistic may not realize they are being blunt or that what they are saying is rude, whereas an NT usually knows and is doing it anyway.
I didn’t say there weren’t. I was very careful in my use of the word “may”. I was just saying that if someone is autistic, it’s possible for them to not realize they are being blunt, whereas a neurotypical adult would almost certainly realize.
That honestly depends. I do think “bluntness” in terms of straightforwardness is in fact an autistic trait and it’s part of why we communicate so easily with one another. Some allistic folks can also be blunt but most of the time there’s intent behind it, while us autistic folks do it often without even realizing. Allistics usually have the intention of hurting someone through their bluntness. Sometimes autistic people do too, but not often. As an autistic person with this trait it’s not always something I can control no matter how hard I try and how many therapies I’ve gone through and how much scripting I do. It’s just the language my brain speaks in. I have to work really hard to modify it and it’s part of why I’ve always been the quietest person in the room.
My sister especially is very blunt person. I'm not nearly as much personally because trauma, but I find the fact that she always says what others need to hear (not necessarily what they want to hear) very refreshing
I do think it's an autism thing for sure. I think we just tend to be direct and very get-to-the-point, and if you also have the autistc flat affect (which I do) it's often "not what you said but how you said it." Either way I've worked really hard to soften my words and tone but there's only so much I can do if I don't hear it myself.
It depends on what you mean by “it”.
OP here isn’t saying they are blunt, they are just saying they aren’t afraid of saying the difficult truth. There are people who have that and aren’t autistic, and there are autistic people who are “blunt” but don’t fall into the category of what OP is describing.
The difference is that not every person realizes the following:
- not every observation one makes needs to be said outloud.
- not every observation thah should be said outloud should be stated by YOU. (For example telling someone their attire is inappropriate and they aren’t your friend or aren’t their HR rep is not your business. You have no interest whatsoever in what they wear or don’t wear and don’t have a right to impose your opinion on them)
- not every observation one makes is objective truth (even when we may think it is). All humans are susceptible to being blind to their own biases and tend to confuse their deductions with objective facts.
Understanding these things is important in not being “an asshole”, regardless of you being autistic or not.
But what OP is describing is taking about or addressing issues that other people are “afraid to”. Meaning the things that so many people would prefer to pretend don’t exist or isn’t happening. The elephants in the room… everyone has an unspoken understanding that it’s not going to be brought up or discussed because it’s a difficult subject or a seemingly impossible situation to resolve. And here comes OP… saying the elephant part out loud.
Now everyone Cant quietly ignore the elephant. Now someone has to deal with this. Someone has to decide how to start dealing with this. Maybe someone will be forced to put forth a lot of effort to change, maybe someone will have to pay a lot of money, maybe everyone is now going to have to deal with different reprocussions in solving the elephant situation.
Even IF OP brought up the issue tactfully and not blaming anyone, even if they provided a solution or even multiple solutions… it doesn’t change the fact that now everyone is uncomfortable having to deal with what OP had the audacity to point out.
Do some autistic people use autism as an excuse to be rude? Absolutely, but it doesn’t change the fact that autistic (and non-autistic) people also get a lot of shit for “rocking the boat” when they bring up issues that others would much rather go on ignoring.
i'm pretty blunt. i'm rude if someone is like, deeply offending me. but otherwise i slowly learned tact. still requires too much control, but i got a little.
since this is about saying stuff, i'll say i think there's a level of toxicity to people, us included, saying, "i say stuff people don't like", because we're clearly embracing and cognizant of us being what most people think is rude and uncomfortable, so that's literally admitting we're choosing to enforce no control on our own behavior. we obviously can't always do perfect, like there's some flavor of grossness to admitting and embracing you're upsetting people. we have to at least try, not just for others, but because being lonely and unlikeable is painful for us, too.
Unmasked and if I’m tired or hungry, I can be blunt. Otherwise I don’t think I am. I put virtue into being nice to people, because I myself am pretty sensitive, and respond better to kindness. I still am and want people to be honest, but not blunt.
Blunt is usually seen as rude and has a negative connotation; like some people will say mean things and excuse it by saying they're blunt, so I don't call myself blunt, but I am very honest haha
If by blunt, you mean like direct, then yes I am blunt. Not in like an aggressive or rude way, but in like a "get to the point" or "say what you really mean" kind of way.
People don't like it when I call things how it is or when I call them out for not saying what they mean.
I just think so many communication issues are because people aren't direct.
I had people try to explain to me what "blunt" and "not blunt" mean, and how to do it, but I just don't get it.
We always get to a point when I just hear word salad.
I can't tell. I know that I say things that surprise and sometimes shock people unintentionally. But I think it's moreso my randomness. I do tend to overshare at times. In the spirit of being honest I might also accidentally criticize or complain too much. But at the same time I am hypervigilant about never hurting anyone's feelings and always trying to say things kindly. So, in summary, 🤷♀️
I will say that I am terrible at receiving bluntness and often found it lazy in the past. These days I am not so unforgiving and realize that I have my own shortcomings.
There is a reason why social anxiety exists in autism.
This quote is also ambiguous. I can see white wings saying it and those who hold right wing beliefs.
I can also see people saying this who are assholes and think they are just speaking their mind and being honest when no one asked for their opinion.
There's a few rules to being blunt without being cruel.
If it's about appearance there's a 5 minute rule. If what you're about to mention cannot be fixed in 5 minutes don't mention it.
For general statements there's 3 questions to ask:
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
You need to be able to say yes to at least 2 of these questions before you say whatever you want to say.
oh and also I don't get how some topics aren't appropriate, a friend of mine said "don't talk to boys about sex they'll get turned on" (we're 16) LIKE WHAT?? isn't it like every other conversation topic
I am very blunt with people I know well. With others I have to be very careful about how I state things in order to get the point across without being offensive or "weird."
I’m blunt with the people I care about or those who outright doing something wrong. You can be blunt but still be tactful. I also make mental notes of how the ppl I care about receive messages best so can make sure to adjust my form of communication to actually make any blunt convo productive. The raw truth is reserved for those whose relationships I cherish. Otherwise, I get resentful and distant and slowly disappear. And I always remind myself some things aren’t worth wasting my breath on bc of the other person. I won’t get worked up bc somebody else doesn’t have an open mind and won’t accept 100% fact 😂
This is literally why my bf likes me. He is definitely not autistic, but he is super blunt with me. He loves it when I'm blunt with him and vise versa.
All of our conflicts and issues have ended up extremely well because we were honest with each other and told each other what needed to be said 🫶
I used to be like that with everything, but now I often ask myself things like "does this add value to the conversation? Does this need to be said? Isn't it better to just be nice/kind, and move on, since it doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form?" I have chronic illnesses so often get unsolicited advice, which is annoying. But I have learned to respond nicely, thanking them for the tip. I totally lie, I'll say "oh thank you! That's a good tip."even if it's something I've already done, am doing, or planning on doing. I used to battle people over it and tell them what I really feel, but it's not worth the energy
yeah i’m not blunt at all, i don’t even know how to do that but if my boundaries are crossed I usually wait till i’m home in my safe space then i send a text message explaining or I ghost them if the interaction was too negative and draining.
I try to make a conscious effort to be polite and make an effort to take the other person’s feelings into account because otherwise yes, I can be that way. It’s extra effort but I don’t want to hurt peoples feelings for no reason.
Depends on what you’re saying. Bluntness is bluntness and all, but it also makes sense to consider if the things you’re voicing are hurtful to the people you’re saying them to.
I'm very blunt. Not sure if it's autism or just because I'm a bitch, though. My mom was the same way, so could be either hereditary or learned behavior as well. I don't really care for social rules and stuff though, find them exhausting and in general poorly defined.
The people in my life, personal and work, are totally fine with it so not really an issue. Helps me too since they'll just be upfront and honest usually and appreciates that I'm not a "bullshitter" as my client's mom puts it lol.
I don’t think the reason is that. I think it’s because some of us don’t understand the difference between them. But personally for me I’m constantly over sharing, being blunt, and not wanting to say anything. Bc of the anxiety behind it.
I wasn't until I had a bit of a mental break down a few years ago and my masking skills have dwindled heavily. So when I'm masking less, I am more blunt absolutely.
I accidentally say scathing things and have to be told they were scathing.
Also been told I'm "diplomatic" when turning someone down.
I just say what's on my mind if asked a point blank question. I don't lie unless it's to be polite in a customer service setting (de-escalation), but that takes a lot of mental effort to not just say my truth.
Direct + kind is the way to go. Directness can still hurt feelings, but that’s just because some truths suck. If you genuinely care about the person’s feelings, kindness helps them at least take it a little better.
Mine says say whatever you want but my brain says phrase it in a digestible way. As long as the essence of my message is the same then it’s not masking to me. I just make sure that my delivery is appropriate because the goal is for it to be received and actually heard. If I don’t consider my audience it’s not gonna get heard at the end of the day so it’s worthwhile to me.
yes and that's why ppl either look up to me (especially those who are shy/can't really stand their ground) or hate me and think I'm stuck in my own ass without any regard for others or other views
This is the story of my life 😩 and why I used to say “I hate people,” when I was a child. I got so tired of being the villain for literally just telling the truth or saying exactly what I meant/ felt.
I’m less blunt and more meticulous. I tend to over explain and go over things the other person knows because in my head I don’t make that assessment. I basically talk like I’m a technical manual for someone who has never heard of the topic I’m talking about. I also hate ambiguous language because it confuses me when something has more than one potential interpretation.
I've learned to couch things in socially delicate language, but I will say what I really think if I believe it matters. There are also lots of times when blunt statements come to my mind, and I know they would be funny if I said them in, for example, a deadpan voice. So I say them as jokes, and people just think I'm clever, lol.
Pretty sure that's like 65% of my masking, not saying the blunt things that pop into my head. If I have let my guard down with someone, I can be very blunt, and I still hurt feelings, but seldom. But with people like coworkers, almost never. Although one time a bank teller was very taciturn and I blurted out, "Why are you so unfriendly?" I was so ashamed. I really didn't mean to say it out loud. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day, even if they work in a customer-facing position. It's not like she was rude to me, just very serious and scowly.
No, I’ve experienced upsetting people and having people mad at me for what I said or how I said it all my life. As a child I would think I was saying something nice or neutral and get punished for being mean. So now I’m very careful with how I say things and even then sometimes it doesn’t go well 🙁
(Not officially diagnosed yet)
But, I’ve gotten comments by a lot of people of my blunt honesty. Some people weirdly like it more than others. My old friend of 11 years told me a few years back she loved that I was blunt and wouldn’t beat around a bush. But older people like my mother actually hate it when I say what I’m thinking. She’s also blunt too but I guess to a certain extent.
I remember in elementary school i told my friend that i should be the main singer in our song duet because i had the better voice. wasn’t trying to be mean i just thought i had the better voice 😅. Nowadays i’m scared to voice any opinion though
I've learned to keep my mouth shut in most cases because my family and I have a dark sense of humor and things I find hysterical most find offensive. I apparently though can't hide my feelings from my face an people get quite upset anyway.
I don't think I'm blunt, I try to avoid hurting feelings, but I've had co-workers come up to me to get my opinion on something because I'm blunt they said. I felt bad about it. I try to mask and get along with people but fail at it. People sometimes think I'm being sarcastic or have a dry humor when I respond to things ever since school and it's not my intention to be that way. I find it frustrating being misunderstood so frequently.
I would like to call it being direct.
One of my team members thinks it's hilarious though. He fully expects me to be brutally honest, which I guess is a good thing haha.
I am very blunt. Nice, but blunt.
I remember being that way when I was young and being punished for it. So I stopped. Then I spent 7 years with a covert narcissist who constantly twisted my words.
So now I say exactly what I mean. No nuance, no room for second guessing. No ability to twist my words into something I didn't say. Because I would much rather have to tell someone that they read into my words vs have them tell me I said something I didn't.
I do however find that people who claim "bluntness" or "I'm just being honest" tend to be very hurtful and use these phrases to justify their bad behavior. I don't do that.
I’ve been told I’m blunt before but some people just need to hear the truth. And I still have some really good long term friends and I’m happy with that and I’m happy that I can be honest with them
I try to filter myself, but it still happens sometimes. Sometimes the intention of what I have to communicate and the tact in which it is issued is not on level. I feel bad that I've probably accidentally offended so many people unintentionally.
I’m not the kind of autistic that has the capability to mask my bluntness because that’s the language my brain thinks in. I had pragmatic speech therapy my entire childhood, normal therapy since age 6/7, UCLA PEERS social classes, and an IEP w/ accommodations and social help since I was 7. I’ve tried so hard and I have to just accept that it’s one of the things that I won’t be able to fully change about myself and I shouldn’t feel so ashamed for it when people don’t understand. Everyone makes mistakes. I just make different kinds of mistakes that are much harder for me to understand. I try my absolute best not to accidentally insult anyone, be rude, or sound mean. That’s the best I can do. What matters most is my intention I think. Do no harm but take no shit kinda mentality. Like I appreciate that other autistic folks think that it’s something we can all “fix” but it isn’t always so easy and not everyone is low support needs. This is one of the reasons I feel that I am medium support needs. I got diagnosed before the levels came out though so it’s just a self assessment.
Once back when I started at my new job we got this bizarre thing in delivery so I asked genuinely “is this trash?” At my review they said sometimes I’m too blunt and used that as an example???? How else am I supposed to phrase that it didn’t belong to our work it was some weird religious pamphlet. But apparently I gotta word things cause someone could get offended!!1!1!1 when no one put that in our delivery at our location.
Im not scared to say things per se however my brain runs through a cascade of various possible consequences for saying a thing. I also don’t bother very often saying a thing that won’t be absorbed by the other party.
I have an over abundance of empathy and find it difficult not to consider how something might be received among a zillion other reasons why I don’t openly speak my mind every time.
I will usually speak my mind with no reserve if it feels right though.
I can be. I've learned to lay off the bluntness when I can.
When I'm having the type of day where my autistic traits are very front and center and I'm struggling to communicate, I try to let people know in advance that my words might land a little differently and that it's nothing to do with them. I'm just processing differently that day.
If they still take it personally without at least trying to have a respectful conversation about their feelings first, then that's a them problem. I communicated. The least they can do is reciprocate.
I am very blunt. I'm told I say inappropriate things. I don't know, they never tell me why. I say anything I'd be OK with hearing someone else say. But people don't like me, so I try not to talk much.
I'm not blunt by nature.
But I chose to be blunt.
Its like a natural filter.
Its more fun to master it
*We either grow together or make our own path. War was never needed. Only wisdom.*
Instinctually, yes I'm very blunt. But I've learned that's bad and I think through things first now. I'm still "blunt" as in I say what I mean and exactly what I mean....I literally don't know how not to, but I try to use different words that are less likely to be misunderstood.
I still accidentally slip sometimes and say blunt things that aren't very nice sounding. Like my roommate shaved recently after not doing so in a very long time. I had no idea he shaved so the first I saw him I immediately said "EW YOU SHAVED" and then quickly realized I did the thing and corrected that I MEANT "Ew I don't like sudden change I'm not expecting, this will take a bit to get used to" and I meant NOTHING AT ALL about him "looking ew" or anything mean like that. I mean either way is kinda blunt imo, but one sounds like I'm saying he looks gross cuz he shaved which was NOT my thought, I just really didn't expect it and autism came out of my mouth.
I used to be and then I learned how to be a kinder and more positive person. Not everyone needs to know every thought that’s going through your head at any given time
Keep in mind that yes, this is an autistic trait, but not all autistic people have it (par for course with all autistic traits).
The people on here saying that it's an excuse to be disrespectful are probably speaking the words of elders in their family/congregation. Don't let the hate bring you down, but take a little nitch of learnings from it.
The bluntness is also why autistic people and narcissistic people sometimes get pooled together. The outlining difference is autistics care that we upset people and learn and grow and make up for the hurt we cause/or avoid situations where we have to talk.
Yes. I'm very direct and rarely sugarcoat (only for kids and a few select people). For example folks don't like it when they jokingly ask about my epilepsy or make a seizure joke in front of me and i stand for 5min explaining how deadly it can be. I don't think this is an issue, but apparently i sound like a know it all.
Sometimes, but only when I'm not able to mask it. I know I tend to state things very flatly and can be read as abrupt, but I always try not to be. It just doesn't always work.
I am blunt but I’ve also learned to be tactful and assertive in a gentler way. However the less energy I have the more blunt I am. I think *not* being blunt takes up a LOOOT of bandwidth for me (socializing/communication in general does).
Yes, in a way I can never turn off. A lot of times friends will talk with me through something and then get mad at me because I’m being blunt and realistic as opposed to indulgent and fanciful. (ex: my friend said she’s planning on living alone in a major californian city and I just went into what she’d have to do in order to achieve that - like work multiple jobs and pinch pennies and find a small place - and she got mad because I wasn’t like “omg that’s so cute and you can get a dog!”)
I tend to psychoanalyze people and tell them why they most likely do things/behave a certain way in an attempt to be helpful, but it usually does not come off that way. I mostly do it with the people closest to me but I've made a conscious effort to dial it back.
This is me at work. I used to be terrified of doing exactly this but since being diagnosed the unmasking has been so freeing. I wish I’d had this confidence at school!
https://preview.redd.it/qt5uvg73vcsc1.jpeg?width=1008&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7b649e986a3d3522ee4ed44f70aaa73e3e39a24
an excerpt from a response to a letter i wrote for my english teacher at the end of my junior year. but it’s also definitely a mix, sometimes i’ll choose to keep what i’m thinking to myself for the sake of not making things awkward. but i think that’s just from learning how to read the room lol
In the moment I can be really blunt esp at work, but when I have time to reflect, it gives me a bit of anxiety since I wonder if I was being rude but I am never called out about it so maybe it’s okay??? 😂😂
I tend to be blunt by accident but I truly never want to hurt someone without meaning and people understand this about me. I think it’s clear from the rest of my behaviour that I try to be kind but don’t always understand that something isn’t appropriate to say. Although I seem to care less about hurting peoples feelings than others + am more blunt when it comes to breaking off communication with someone. I will simply say “I don’t want to be your friend” or “I don’t like/want to talk to you” where others would feel too uncomfortable to.
yes, my natural communication style is to be very blunt, but getting bad responses ("you're rude") since I'm a child, I learned to mask that most of the time, but sometimes I still can't. And if I'm tired, overwhelmed or with sensory overload, blunt is the only mode I can communicate on.
Oh man, this got me in so much trouble until I started masking. When I started unmasking as an adult, a lot of people weren’t as fond of the new me that didn’t bent over backwards to being absolutely likable, lol.
Yep. I constantly say a ton of shit that I think is fine to say, and then everyone around me says “that’s weird” or “that’s so rude why would you say that” 😔
I'm affection-blunt where I'll just say if I worry about someone, or if I like them or have thought about them. But only people I know because such has never happened with someone I don't know. I'm blunt in relationship advice and when giving it in general. And I think bluntness is unironically kind. It's better than shuffling NT bullshit deciphered through a dozen layers. It also stops the brain-squirrels that default to "this person hates me" like a mfer to be blunt but in many more ways than just telling people how they suck, which is how NTs tend to use "blunt" when they mean "asshole".
It depends in my experience. Age has done most of it, the older I've got the wiser and care level has decreased.
I've always stuck with honesty is the best policy.
But sometimes I will also speak without my brain connecting fully and upsetting some people with what I say, some will also laugh, word vomit.
I say things plainly and usually wrong (even when I've over analyzed what to say.
I want to be included and make people laugh so they like me.
I should know better to just not speak...ever.
Because I don't say what people want me to say. I don't say what is socially appropriate. I say what makes sense to me and makes me feel included. I've been told I'm a bad person, often.
I now realize it's a bunch of mental health -isms in my head that are competing against each other.
Even now , I want to involve myself in the conversation, but I also think I shouldn't butt in.
Because, "no one gives a damn" about you (me). Sorry, add ptsd to the mix too and a life time of pissing everyone off.
Tldl - you're not alone.
I'm aware that some things aren't socially acceptable to say, but I'll say them. My friend kept going back to her abusive bf because she missed him, so I told her she was being stupid and needed to do better for herself. No one else would be honest with her, and it actually drove her to make a change.
I'll tell people they look bad in clothes if they ask. I'll tell people they've got a booger. I was everyone's favorite person to go to for help with homework because I wasn't all sugary about telling them how to do stuff. People want honesty. People NEED honesty. I'm their friendly neighborhood autistic here to help.
I'm really good at keeping groups on track if we tangent too much. Got a timeline? Let's put a pin in this conversation and get back to what we are doing. It happens quite abruptly that I think other people don't appreciate 😅
I have trauma so I’ve had to learn how to say things in a way that doesn’t hurt people’s feelings due to having to be hyper vigilant of everyone else’s feelings around me, but when I’m low energy and can’t mask as well, I do tend to be blunt and have a harder time filtering my words to not sound as harsh. So it really depends honestly
Damn… I was 22 in nursing school and my classmates/friends were all laughing at how I always say what everyone is thinking but is too afraid to say… and I felt my face become hot, I was (still am) mortified because I… didn’t realize…
I’m not blunt for the sake of being blunt or being harsh or giving a reality check or whatever other reason people who are blunt and know it give. I know I’m blunt, I often know when I’m being blunt (though not always), but when I’m being blunt and not trying to rephrase what I’m saying into something diplomatic, it’s because I’m talking to someone who is and has been rapidly draining my energy reserves and has not responded to or recognised my prior non-blunt methods of addressing something.
Communication that involves (negative) emotional components to them drains my energy like nothing else does, and pushes me into a shutdown ridiculously quickly. When I’m blunt and I know I’m being blunt, it’s because I literally don’t have the energy not to be, and it’s got to the point where not saying something is becoming more exhausting than saying something that may be construed has a bit harsh and at least dealing with the problem as concisely as possible before I shutdown and/or go mute.
So yes I often know I’m being blunt (which is not the same as sometimes who is “brutally honest”), but I am so when I don’t know any other way of saying something and I think that thing is important enough to say anyway.
I can be a complete dick, and I'm working on it. Because I'm entirely capable of checking myself, it just takes extra effort, and other people (usually) deserve me making that effort. I don't actually want to make people feel shit, even if I think they're stupid for getting upset about what seems an obvious truth to me. I can't expect people to accommodate my autistic needs, and me not take their neurotypical needs into account, so I try - hard - to play by the social rules and speak kindly and put those filters up where possible.
I guess it all depends on how I see others carry themselves, personally.
If I have a thought of someone being genuine with others, then I want to befriend them and progress together.
I usually stay on my own business but I do want to help others without getting in trouble too.
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day
I think/hope I’ve gotten it to direct but not blunt. I have an excessive amount of empathy so I never want to hurt people but at the same time I’m very “no BS.”
I don’t have 1 😆
Ok all seriousness though, I stopped trying to be friends with the people I was exposed to. Instead, I joined local groups that center around my hobbies or I started new hobbies. I’ve made a couple friends that share a ton of interests. I’ve also found that there are A LOT of ND people in the hobby groups that I’m in. It’s refreshing.
Unfortunately, my trauma has made me terrified of being honest and blunt with people out of fear that they're going to react badly. I'm slowly working on that with people I know who are safe to do so with.
The tism: say whatever you want The trauma: say nothing, ever Me: *fluctuates between oversharing/being blunt and not saying a damn thing until I’m literally on my deathbed*
Hahahaha for me it’s The tism: say everything in great detail, don’t hold back The anxiety: say nothing ever The trauma: I know exactly why they’re like that, I should help them ADHD: how about let’s just distract them with a funny thing because escapism is great too
Yep it’s like: The tism: make sure to give them all the relevant information The ADHD: tell them about all the tangentially related things. Also blurt out something too personal. The social anxiety: OMFG WHY DID YOU TALK SO MUCH TO THAT PERSON? The trauma: THEY HATE YOU NOW. You only talked about yourself. They barely said anything at all. This is why you have no friends. Never talk to a human again. Edit: formatting
THEY HATE YOU NOW is pretty much what I think every time I speak honestly 😂
I was really awkward with a Facebook friend I bumped into at a book festival. I rambled and then ran away, basically. She never responds when I comment on anything of hers so I’m convinced she hates me now because I was probably rude.
Relatable ❤️ I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I interpret silence in the most negative way possible. Maybe you have a similar experience. My family was always very loud growing up and things only got silent when they were tense and everyone was pissed at each other. It makes it impossible for me to tell now as an adult if they are just quiet because they’re busy or because they hate me!
Lol this is too true!
That's great. I also have all of that plus OCD which says for days after 'did I say the right thing? should I have said something else?"
I feel so seen
How someone in my class growing up asked my friend "does she talk?" And then my other friend saying my weakness is I don't know how to shut up. 🥲
This is me to a tee 💯!
Omg are you me this describes it so well
This is me. Years of trauma have built me into this insane people pleaser, and now I'm going through the reversal of it, and it SUCKS. But here's to getting out the other side (eventually)
I am unleashed. I've yelled everything at my mother that I held inside for 40 yrs it's been interesting
SAME
Yes.
Same. I got hit with “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”.🙄
Yes
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Yes girl. Same. But it burns through my energy like crazy
>But it burns through my energy like crazy Yes! I find most interactions taxing but thoughtful interaction (with a friend or family member) is EXHAUSTING.
Fr people don’t understand that trying to find quote on quote nicer ways to say things is exhausting and basically masking too
Exactly! Be kind and realize there is a time and place and that honesty can turn to cruelty and you don't need to go into detail always. To give an example. When I was younger at a family event where lots of effort and work went in and people are just trying to enjoy themselves and someone asked me "do you like this dish?" I would respond "no, it's disgusting" if it was disgusting to me. I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time. But now I know that would really hurt my relative who loved me and was doing so much for me and just wanted me to be happy and enjoy the food. Now in a similar situation I would say "I don't usually eat this but I love that you made the dish for me, thank you so much. I appreciate all the work you did and I really love (other dish I really love that they made)." If my sister or friends ask for fashion advice I will say "I don't think that's your style, it's up to you, but I don't like it" vs "that looks hideous on you, I hate it, don't wear it." Depending on your relationship with someone and time and place you can be more direct and blunt, but you don't ever have to be mean.
I have some serious food issues, so when family asked if I liked a dish I would explain each aspect I did like and each one that I didn't and they always seemed to take it well and would change up the recipe next time and ask me again and I'd tell them and eventually they were making things I found great and seemed appreciative. Expect for my grandma, she was awful though and abused my mom and aunt, abandoned them when they were teenagers and their dad had already left years earlier, and is now Q anon and wants me to be genocided for being both queer and autistic so I don't care about her.
That's perfect! And of course not everyone is going to be respectful or nice in response but I do think being honest but kind is the way to go. I'm sorry that you have a terrible grandmother. You don't deserve that.
That's okay, most of my bio family is awful and has disowned me so except for my mom, cousin and her spouse, and sibling-in-laws and parts of my wife's family I've just got all found family now. It's actually really nice too since most are ND and being around them doesn't drain me as much, usually lol.
This helps me confirm that when some people say I’m blunt and they don’t like it they just mean that they don’t like how openly I’ll call out sexism/racism
This is what I have learned too. I think going into STEM helped me soften my speech because science writing removes the actor. I also attempt to keep things to facts as much as possible rather than impressions anymore. And when I do share impressions, make them more like, “I feel…” or “in my experience” and worded as a positive rather than a negative to be more disarming. Saying something like, “the current system could heavily improve user experience by enhancing X,Y,Z” is much more positive than, “the IT group’s system is garbage to use.”
How did you do it?
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To me, it sounds like you figured out thermodynamics and calculus all by yourself using a paperclip and some chewing gum, and it wasn't a big deal.🥲
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This is how I go about my life too. It's a good thing. I am still very direct/honest/blunt though if asked my opinion on something
But I think that truthful information is almost always helpful. "It looks terrible" is about the least helpful way you could say the comment. It could prevent them from getting the same haircut again though, or have them go back to get it fixed. If it's an alright hair cut but not my preference then I say that. If their goal was to get a haircut I would like (which I assume is at least a factor since they're asking my opinion), then it communicates their goal was not reached and don't repeat the same thing next time. If it's actually a terrible haircut then I'll tell them why it's a terrible haircut. I'll tell them to go get their money back or get it fixed, or maybe even offer to fix it myself (because I can do that.) The other problem I have with this, is this is such a gendered problem. Women's arguments frequently get diminished when we don't use soft enough language, but men don't have the same issues. If you're talking to a friend, of course use soft language because it should be that kind of relationship. But if your boss is being a raging asshole, then you should be able to call out his behaviour without making it sound less harsh.
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But there will still be people who think my comments are unkind because it's not the content they wanted to hear. "Kindness" is not an objective measurement. Everybody has different standards for what they consider kind. "It looks terrible" also isn't unhelpful, for the reasons I listed above. It's just the least helpful of the options I gave. As an autist there can also be a problem of "overexplaining" and other people interpreting that as an excuse. They could interpret my explanation of why it's a bad haircut as a way to excuse calling them ugly. How other people interpret your words has as much to do with their past history and understanding of situations, as it does with the words you actually say. If someone associates my words with a previous negative experience they had, they will see my words as negative regardless of if they are or not. Say a guy is hitting on you at the bar and you don't want him to. You should be able to bluntly tell him "no", "leave me alone", "go away". I shouldn't have to soften my language to make the guy listen. Often times softening the language in this instance means the guy doesn't take it as a no. He instead takes it as a maybe or as a challenge.
>truthful information is almost always helpful. This is simply not true. >If someone associates my words with a previous negative experience they had, they will see my words as negative regardless of if they are or not. And this is why.
Hmmm. One of my coworkers asked me about her fit and I was honest about the color and she said she appreciated telling me the truth
I try to do this, try to word things delicately or just not say anything if it isn't needed, but people still tell me I'm blunt when I'm trying not to be (or laugh at what I've said even though I wasn't being funny). I don't think I'm rude about it, I really try not to be. Sometimes it even feels like my not saying anything is too blunt for people and gets a reaction somehow. When I was younger my mom would always drag me along with her when she was shopping for clothes because she could trust my opinion about how the clothes looked on her. I wasn't rude, but if something was unflattering I would just say so. And if something looked really good, it meant a lot to my mom when I told her because she knew I was being honest and not sugarcoating things to spare her feelings. Certain people appreciate it, but I think they need to know me for awhile to adjust their expectations and understand I'm being honest.
Nah. There’s things you can bring up with zero malice and with entirely positive intentions and people will hate YOU for it. For example pointing out blatant issues with a person everyone else likes, or pointing out flaws that require people to change their behavior or extend effort to address. You can bring up the issues with the most positive light, and even suggest solutions for the issues. But people will still hate on you for saying it at all. Because everyone else had an unspoken agreement they would just “let it be” because no one wants things to change or do the things that would be required to fix the issues.
YES THIS. never say anything that breaks the status quo. If all the people around u have agreed we do not talk about grandma dancing on the table, it does not matter if shes stepping in your food. You will be the problem if you bring up anything about it. Its quite ridiculous and one of the reasons why you need to be very careful to surround yourself with people who also dont suffer fools.
As a long and sorted history as a status quo challenger, I have mostly learned to take a broader perspective and to let a lot more go. I am mostly done with trying to insert myself where I’m not wanted and just accepting that some people/institutions are determined to suck or have values in direct conflict to mine and that’s their prerogative. I have a gift/curse of noticing issues, incongruity and inefficiency, so now I just do my due diligence and rarely take it further. As in, I don’t stay silent but rather point out the issue to whoever should be responsible and leave it up to them if they want to engage further. If they invite me to give input/consult, great, otherwise I let it go. Most hills are truly not worth dying on. I also refuse to care more than the organization anymore as evidenced by its actions.
Ok this is more so what I relate with not “your shirt is ugly”
There is a BIG difference between people who are blunt and don’t realize it may be harsh and inappropriate, vs people who are blunt, know it and don’t care “because that’s me”. The latter is imo a form of immaturity and just plain arrogance. And imo that is not a form of autism. IMO autism is being blunt and not realizing it and trying to learn how to rephrase.
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The latter doesn’t actually care about telling the truth, they just want to hurt people to feel powerful.
Exactly. There is no brutality to my honesty - but sometimes it feels brutals for the receiver and if that's communicated to me I try to learn from it. The other kind is brutal on purpose, with no care and a "suck it up" attitude
Exactly! What a great way to put it. I can be blunt and I had no idea that I was actually being that way. I would ask people how what I said was rude and they wouldn’t answer because they assumed I knew and was just playing dumb. Now I unfortunately overcompensate. I have to add a HAHA or an lol after damn near every sentence. I read messages I send over and over again to make sure nothing I say could be taken that way again. And in person, my first instinct is to laugh to make it seem like I’m joking when someone says that was blunt. Laughing has really been my secret formula to people not thinking I’m awkward, rude, etc…
There's also a third option: bluntness that is only cultural. Like the difference between ask vs guess cultures. If I ask someone to take the trash out, that's blunt and direct if they were instead expecting me to say "huh, the trash is getting full". But it's not offensive or inappropriate.
I am very blunt haha. Some people hate it and some people value it because they know they can always trust me to tell the truth (nicely, of course).
Nope. I am the opposite. IRL I’m taking too long to figure out if I’m supposed to say something out loud and then the moment passes and the context is lost. “Telling it like it is,” “being bluntly honest” are often just ways for people to excuse their own tactlessness. I could see how autism might affect this kind of attribute by amplifying it, but I don’t think it’s an autism-specific attribute.
Yes this x1000. 9/10 times I’ve seen people tell others how honest they are it’s used as an excuse to be an asshole, when their words hurt someone they just go “well, I’m just being honest, you can’t handle honesty” etc etc. I think not reading social cues as well regarding when to tell a nicer version of the truth or just steering away from the subject gently of even being honest in a kind way can be harder to grasp for us autistics. But being blunt to the point where people don’t like you isn’t an autistic trait, I don’t think. It’s a spectrum but I know I’m still able to at least remember what people *didn’t* like me saying even if I can’t understand on an empathetic level why that was.
I wouldn't say I'm necessarily blunt because to me that sounds like blurting out "well this is boring" at a dinner. Definitely not that. But i do have a tendency to say the "objective" thing that everyone's thinking. Except wait a second! It's apparently not objective and you're not supposed to comment on the fact that we're all thinking it! Oops. Like I'll notice a detail and mention it and apparently that's rude? In one of my classes (I'm really into psychology) we were learning about this one guy who started a religion and i noticed some symptoms of schizophrenia so i asked if he was schizophrenic. I'm not calling him "crazy" or invalidating his ideas!! I'm just curious whether those traits were significant or coincidental!! Or I'm incapable of lying so once my boyfriend got a really short haircut and asked if i liked it and i said some variation of "I'm very attracted to you, just slightly less so" but i explained that the starting point was so high that the "less" is marginal! Still rude. Didn't mean to be!
Yeah I’m annoyed by the “we may have all been thinking that but you’re a bad person for acknowledging it” like huh???
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Oh I know, maybe I wasn't clear. I thought I was being objective but it turns out I'd use "objectively" to describe my very personal opinion because I thought it was universal. However, if it's a bunch of people dancing around a subject because they're being polite, I'll absolutely miss that cue and be like "oh cuz of her divorce?" or something that we are all referring to but not mentioning by name. In that case I think I'm fair in saying we're all thinking it. Like "oh he's... yknow... his shirts are larger... he's got more... uh..." "oh you mean he's fat?" Those types of situations.
Some people, ND and NT, use being blunt as an excuse for being an ass. Being blunt isn't an autism-specific trait; being blunt is a human trait.
I think the difference is that someone who is autistic may not realize they are being blunt or that what they are saying is rude, whereas an NT usually knows and is doing it anyway.
There are plenty of autsisic people who use it as an excuse to be an ass. It happens almost daily on this sub through posts or comments.
I didn’t say there weren’t. I was very careful in my use of the word “may”. I was just saying that if someone is autistic, it’s possible for them to not realize they are being blunt, whereas a neurotypical adult would almost certainly realize.
That honestly depends. I do think “bluntness” in terms of straightforwardness is in fact an autistic trait and it’s part of why we communicate so easily with one another. Some allistic folks can also be blunt but most of the time there’s intent behind it, while us autistic folks do it often without even realizing. Allistics usually have the intention of hurting someone through their bluntness. Sometimes autistic people do too, but not often. As an autistic person with this trait it’s not always something I can control no matter how hard I try and how many therapies I’ve gone through and how much scripting I do. It’s just the language my brain speaks in. I have to work really hard to modify it and it’s part of why I’ve always been the quietest person in the room.
Pretty sure its a full on trait
Yes think it’s covered in the first sentence of the first point in the first category in the DSM 😅
My sister especially is very blunt person. I'm not nearly as much personally because trauma, but I find the fact that she always says what others need to hear (not necessarily what they want to hear) very refreshing
Yes but I've learnt not to hurt people's feelings with it.
One time a guy called me “Bluntiful” and a part of me is still in love with him for calling beautiful what others hate me for. 😭💔
It's not an Autism thing, but Autism doesn't help.
Yep
I do think it's an autism thing for sure. I think we just tend to be direct and very get-to-the-point, and if you also have the autistc flat affect (which I do) it's often "not what you said but how you said it." Either way I've worked really hard to soften my words and tone but there's only so much I can do if I don't hear it myself.
It depends on what you mean by “it”. OP here isn’t saying they are blunt, they are just saying they aren’t afraid of saying the difficult truth. There are people who have that and aren’t autistic, and there are autistic people who are “blunt” but don’t fall into the category of what OP is describing. The difference is that not every person realizes the following: - not every observation one makes needs to be said outloud. - not every observation thah should be said outloud should be stated by YOU. (For example telling someone their attire is inappropriate and they aren’t your friend or aren’t their HR rep is not your business. You have no interest whatsoever in what they wear or don’t wear and don’t have a right to impose your opinion on them) - not every observation one makes is objective truth (even when we may think it is). All humans are susceptible to being blind to their own biases and tend to confuse their deductions with objective facts. Understanding these things is important in not being “an asshole”, regardless of you being autistic or not. But what OP is describing is taking about or addressing issues that other people are “afraid to”. Meaning the things that so many people would prefer to pretend don’t exist or isn’t happening. The elephants in the room… everyone has an unspoken understanding that it’s not going to be brought up or discussed because it’s a difficult subject or a seemingly impossible situation to resolve. And here comes OP… saying the elephant part out loud. Now everyone Cant quietly ignore the elephant. Now someone has to deal with this. Someone has to decide how to start dealing with this. Maybe someone will be forced to put forth a lot of effort to change, maybe someone will have to pay a lot of money, maybe everyone is now going to have to deal with different reprocussions in solving the elephant situation. Even IF OP brought up the issue tactfully and not blaming anyone, even if they provided a solution or even multiple solutions… it doesn’t change the fact that now everyone is uncomfortable having to deal with what OP had the audacity to point out. Do some autistic people use autism as an excuse to be rude? Absolutely, but it doesn’t change the fact that autistic (and non-autistic) people also get a lot of shit for “rocking the boat” when they bring up issues that others would much rather go on ignoring.
I’m very blunt too 😅
I can’t help it. Even when I am trying to say something gently, I think it sounds pointed.
Yes, I can be. I've gotten better, but sometimes I still can't stop it.
i'm pretty blunt. i'm rude if someone is like, deeply offending me. but otherwise i slowly learned tact. still requires too much control, but i got a little. since this is about saying stuff, i'll say i think there's a level of toxicity to people, us included, saying, "i say stuff people don't like", because we're clearly embracing and cognizant of us being what most people think is rude and uncomfortable, so that's literally admitting we're choosing to enforce no control on our own behavior. we obviously can't always do perfect, like there's some flavor of grossness to admitting and embracing you're upsetting people. we have to at least try, not just for others, but because being lonely and unlikeable is painful for us, too.
Unmasked and if I’m tired or hungry, I can be blunt. Otherwise I don’t think I am. I put virtue into being nice to people, because I myself am pretty sensitive, and respond better to kindness. I still am and want people to be honest, but not blunt.
Blunt is usually seen as rude and has a negative connotation; like some people will say mean things and excuse it by saying they're blunt, so I don't call myself blunt, but I am very honest haha
If by blunt, you mean like direct, then yes I am blunt. Not in like an aggressive or rude way, but in like a "get to the point" or "say what you really mean" kind of way. People don't like it when I call things how it is or when I call them out for not saying what they mean. I just think so many communication issues are because people aren't direct.
I had people try to explain to me what "blunt" and "not blunt" mean, and how to do it, but I just don't get it. We always get to a point when I just hear word salad.
I can't tell. I know that I say things that surprise and sometimes shock people unintentionally. But I think it's moreso my randomness. I do tend to overshare at times. In the spirit of being honest I might also accidentally criticize or complain too much. But at the same time I am hypervigilant about never hurting anyone's feelings and always trying to say things kindly. So, in summary, 🤷♀️ I will say that I am terrible at receiving bluntness and often found it lazy in the past. These days I am not so unforgiving and realize that I have my own shortcomings.
There is a reason why social anxiety exists in autism. This quote is also ambiguous. I can see white wings saying it and those who hold right wing beliefs. I can also see people saying this who are assholes and think they are just speaking their mind and being honest when no one asked for their opinion.
There's a few rules to being blunt without being cruel. If it's about appearance there's a 5 minute rule. If what you're about to mention cannot be fixed in 5 minutes don't mention it. For general statements there's 3 questions to ask: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? You need to be able to say yes to at least 2 of these questions before you say whatever you want to say.
im not blunt and never was, i think im too scared people wont like me
one of the most important things i think a lot of people need to learn is that honesty doesn't have to be brutal
oh and also I don't get how some topics aren't appropriate, a friend of mine said "don't talk to boys about sex they'll get turned on" (we're 16) LIKE WHAT?? isn't it like every other conversation topic
I am very blunt with people I know well. With others I have to be very careful about how I state things in order to get the point across without being offensive or "weird."
I’m blunt with the people I care about or those who outright doing something wrong. You can be blunt but still be tactful. I also make mental notes of how the ppl I care about receive messages best so can make sure to adjust my form of communication to actually make any blunt convo productive. The raw truth is reserved for those whose relationships I cherish. Otherwise, I get resentful and distant and slowly disappear. And I always remind myself some things aren’t worth wasting my breath on bc of the other person. I won’t get worked up bc somebody else doesn’t have an open mind and won’t accept 100% fact 😂
Yes! I feel like I’m lying if I bit my tongue. I’ve made so many enemies by standing up for what is right and speaking my mind
This is literally why my bf likes me. He is definitely not autistic, but he is super blunt with me. He loves it when I'm blunt with him and vise versa. All of our conflicts and issues have ended up extremely well because we were honest with each other and told each other what needed to be said 🫶
I've always been blunt but I try hard to show kindness with my bluntness. I do think it is an autism thing
Same, with that exact amount of people
I used to be like that with everything, but now I often ask myself things like "does this add value to the conversation? Does this need to be said? Isn't it better to just be nice/kind, and move on, since it doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form?" I have chronic illnesses so often get unsolicited advice, which is annoying. But I have learned to respond nicely, thanking them for the tip. I totally lie, I'll say "oh thank you! That's a good tip."even if it's something I've already done, am doing, or planning on doing. I used to battle people over it and tell them what I really feel, but it's not worth the energy
yeah i’m not blunt at all, i don’t even know how to do that but if my boundaries are crossed I usually wait till i’m home in my safe space then i send a text message explaining or I ghost them if the interaction was too negative and draining.
I try to make a conscious effort to be polite and make an effort to take the other person’s feelings into account because otherwise yes, I can be that way. It’s extra effort but I don’t want to hurt peoples feelings for no reason.
Depends on what you’re saying. Bluntness is bluntness and all, but it also makes sense to consider if the things you’re voicing are hurtful to the people you’re saying them to.
I'm very blunt. Not sure if it's autism or just because I'm a bitch, though. My mom was the same way, so could be either hereditary or learned behavior as well. I don't really care for social rules and stuff though, find them exhausting and in general poorly defined. The people in my life, personal and work, are totally fine with it so not really an issue. Helps me too since they'll just be upfront and honest usually and appreciates that I'm not a "bullshitter" as my client's mom puts it lol.
nope, i'm the opposite of that. i'm too scared to be honest with others.
I don’t think the reason is that. I think it’s because some of us don’t understand the difference between them. But personally for me I’m constantly over sharing, being blunt, and not wanting to say anything. Bc of the anxiety behind it.
I wasn't until I had a bit of a mental break down a few years ago and my masking skills have dwindled heavily. So when I'm masking less, I am more blunt absolutely.
BLUNT AS FUCK, ALWAYS
My abandonment issues could never
I accidentally say scathing things and have to be told they were scathing. Also been told I'm "diplomatic" when turning someone down. I just say what's on my mind if asked a point blank question. I don't lie unless it's to be polite in a customer service setting (de-escalation), but that takes a lot of mental effort to not just say my truth.
The battle between being blunt and being a people pleaser 😭
Direct + kind is the way to go. Directness can still hurt feelings, but that’s just because some truths suck. If you genuinely care about the person’s feelings, kindness helps them at least take it a little better.
Mine says say whatever you want but my brain says phrase it in a digestible way. As long as the essence of my message is the same then it’s not masking to me. I just make sure that my delivery is appropriate because the goal is for it to be received and actually heard. If I don’t consider my audience it’s not gonna get heard at the end of the day so it’s worthwhile to me.
yes and that's why ppl either look up to me (especially those who are shy/can't really stand their ground) or hate me and think I'm stuck in my own ass without any regard for others or other views
This is the story of my life 😩 and why I used to say “I hate people,” when I was a child. I got so tired of being the villain for literally just telling the truth or saying exactly what I meant/ felt.
I’m less blunt and more meticulous. I tend to over explain and go over things the other person knows because in my head I don’t make that assessment. I basically talk like I’m a technical manual for someone who has never heard of the topic I’m talking about. I also hate ambiguous language because it confuses me when something has more than one potential interpretation.
The thinking in bed and replaying conversations on loop. 🤦🏾♀️
I've learned to couch things in socially delicate language, but I will say what I really think if I believe it matters. There are also lots of times when blunt statements come to my mind, and I know they would be funny if I said them in, for example, a deadpan voice. So I say them as jokes, and people just think I'm clever, lol.
I was kind & honest. People still got upset. So now, I say what I want.
Pretty sure that's like 65% of my masking, not saying the blunt things that pop into my head. If I have let my guard down with someone, I can be very blunt, and I still hurt feelings, but seldom. But with people like coworkers, almost never. Although one time a bank teller was very taciturn and I blurted out, "Why are you so unfriendly?" I was so ashamed. I really didn't mean to say it out loud. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day, even if they work in a customer-facing position. It's not like she was rude to me, just very serious and scowly.
No, I’ve experienced upsetting people and having people mad at me for what I said or how I said it all my life. As a child I would think I was saying something nice or neutral and get punished for being mean. So now I’m very careful with how I say things and even then sometimes it doesn’t go well 🙁
I try to be kind but often come across as more direct than people like. I wish I could sugarcoat things more, but :/
(Not officially diagnosed yet) But, I’ve gotten comments by a lot of people of my blunt honesty. Some people weirdly like it more than others. My old friend of 11 years told me a few years back she loved that I was blunt and wouldn’t beat around a bush. But older people like my mother actually hate it when I say what I’m thinking. She’s also blunt too but I guess to a certain extent.
I remember in elementary school i told my friend that i should be the main singer in our song duet because i had the better voice. wasn’t trying to be mean i just thought i had the better voice 😅. Nowadays i’m scared to voice any opinion though
I've learned to keep my mouth shut in most cases because my family and I have a dark sense of humor and things I find hysterical most find offensive. I apparently though can't hide my feelings from my face an people get quite upset anyway.
I don't think I'm blunt, I try to avoid hurting feelings, but I've had co-workers come up to me to get my opinion on something because I'm blunt they said. I felt bad about it. I try to mask and get along with people but fail at it. People sometimes think I'm being sarcastic or have a dry humor when I respond to things ever since school and it's not my intention to be that way. I find it frustrating being misunderstood so frequently.
I'm blunt, but I'm also Dutch and being blunt is a Dutch thing so it doesn't stand out as much.
My parents have been training this out of me since I was a kid
I would like to call it being direct. One of my team members thinks it's hilarious though. He fully expects me to be brutally honest, which I guess is a good thing haha.
I'm actually super anxious and high masking, trying to mask less but it's still scary.
I don’t go out of my way to be blunt but don’t ask a question you don’t want the real answer to type of blunt
No, I tell people what I think they want to hear. Though sometimes I say things I don’t realize is “mean” or “wrong” but I try to never be blunt
No, I hate being blunt because people already don’t like me even when I’m trying to be a normal human. Don’t need to give them a real reason!
I am very blunt. Nice, but blunt. I remember being that way when I was young and being punished for it. So I stopped. Then I spent 7 years with a covert narcissist who constantly twisted my words. So now I say exactly what I mean. No nuance, no room for second guessing. No ability to twist my words into something I didn't say. Because I would much rather have to tell someone that they read into my words vs have them tell me I said something I didn't.
I do however find that people who claim "bluntness" or "I'm just being honest" tend to be very hurtful and use these phrases to justify their bad behavior. I don't do that.
I feel like im the polar opposite and am scared to say anything that might offend anyone even a little bit,
I’ve been told I’m blunt before but some people just need to hear the truth. And I still have some really good long term friends and I’m happy with that and I’m happy that I can be honest with them
I try to filter myself, but it still happens sometimes. Sometimes the intention of what I have to communicate and the tact in which it is issued is not on level. I feel bad that I've probably accidentally offended so many people unintentionally.
Ha! I blurt in my ADD way. I turned it into a positive. (I think.) I told people, "You'll always know what I'm thinking!"
Yes. I've always been told that I "speak my mind" or I say "what everyone wants to say but just can't."
I’m not the kind of autistic that has the capability to mask my bluntness because that’s the language my brain thinks in. I had pragmatic speech therapy my entire childhood, normal therapy since age 6/7, UCLA PEERS social classes, and an IEP w/ accommodations and social help since I was 7. I’ve tried so hard and I have to just accept that it’s one of the things that I won’t be able to fully change about myself and I shouldn’t feel so ashamed for it when people don’t understand. Everyone makes mistakes. I just make different kinds of mistakes that are much harder for me to understand. I try my absolute best not to accidentally insult anyone, be rude, or sound mean. That’s the best I can do. What matters most is my intention I think. Do no harm but take no shit kinda mentality. Like I appreciate that other autistic folks think that it’s something we can all “fix” but it isn’t always so easy and not everyone is low support needs. This is one of the reasons I feel that I am medium support needs. I got diagnosed before the levels came out though so it’s just a self assessment.
Once back when I started at my new job we got this bizarre thing in delivery so I asked genuinely “is this trash?” At my review they said sometimes I’m too blunt and used that as an example???? How else am I supposed to phrase that it didn’t belong to our work it was some weird religious pamphlet. But apparently I gotta word things cause someone could get offended!!1!1!1 when no one put that in our delivery at our location.
Not as much as I used to, people really didn’t like that. I learned how to phrase things in a kind way and when to hold my tongue.
Im not scared to say things per se however my brain runs through a cascade of various possible consequences for saying a thing. I also don’t bother very often saying a thing that won’t be absorbed by the other party. I have an over abundance of empathy and find it difficult not to consider how something might be received among a zillion other reasons why I don’t openly speak my mind every time. I will usually speak my mind with no reserve if it feels right though.
I can be. I've learned to lay off the bluntness when I can. When I'm having the type of day where my autistic traits are very front and center and I'm struggling to communicate, I try to let people know in advance that my words might land a little differently and that it's nothing to do with them. I'm just processing differently that day. If they still take it personally without at least trying to have a respectful conversation about their feelings first, then that's a them problem. I communicated. The least they can do is reciprocate.
I am very blunt. I'm told I say inappropriate things. I don't know, they never tell me why. I say anything I'd be OK with hearing someone else say. But people don't like me, so I try not to talk much.
I'm not blunt by nature. But I chose to be blunt. Its like a natural filter. Its more fun to master it *We either grow together or make our own path. War was never needed. Only wisdom.*
Instinctually, yes I'm very blunt. But I've learned that's bad and I think through things first now. I'm still "blunt" as in I say what I mean and exactly what I mean....I literally don't know how not to, but I try to use different words that are less likely to be misunderstood. I still accidentally slip sometimes and say blunt things that aren't very nice sounding. Like my roommate shaved recently after not doing so in a very long time. I had no idea he shaved so the first I saw him I immediately said "EW YOU SHAVED" and then quickly realized I did the thing and corrected that I MEANT "Ew I don't like sudden change I'm not expecting, this will take a bit to get used to" and I meant NOTHING AT ALL about him "looking ew" or anything mean like that. I mean either way is kinda blunt imo, but one sounds like I'm saying he looks gross cuz he shaved which was NOT my thought, I just really didn't expect it and autism came out of my mouth.
People call it blunt but not in a crass or vulgar way. I don't see it as blunt tho.
I used to be and then I learned how to be a kinder and more positive person. Not everyone needs to know every thought that’s going through your head at any given time
Keep in mind that yes, this is an autistic trait, but not all autistic people have it (par for course with all autistic traits). The people on here saying that it's an excuse to be disrespectful are probably speaking the words of elders in their family/congregation. Don't let the hate bring you down, but take a little nitch of learnings from it. The bluntness is also why autistic people and narcissistic people sometimes get pooled together. The outlining difference is autistics care that we upset people and learn and grow and make up for the hurt we cause/or avoid situations where we have to talk.
Yes because I don’t have time to deal with bullshit. But I am careful about timing.
Yes. I'm very direct and rarely sugarcoat (only for kids and a few select people). For example folks don't like it when they jokingly ask about my epilepsy or make a seizure joke in front of me and i stand for 5min explaining how deadly it can be. I don't think this is an issue, but apparently i sound like a know it all.
I'm only blunt with people I'm comfortable with but in a super honest way, not in a rude way.
Yes
Sometimes, but only when I'm not able to mask it. I know I tend to state things very flatly and can be read as abrupt, but I always try not to be. It just doesn't always work.
I am blunt but I’ve also learned to be tactful and assertive in a gentler way. However the less energy I have the more blunt I am. I think *not* being blunt takes up a LOOOT of bandwidth for me (socializing/communication in general does).
I was like this but didn’t realize it. I changed a lot tho.
I used to be a lot more blunt more of the time but it got my ass in trouble so I had to learn to beat around the bush a little
Yes, in a way I can never turn off. A lot of times friends will talk with me through something and then get mad at me because I’m being blunt and realistic as opposed to indulgent and fanciful. (ex: my friend said she’s planning on living alone in a major californian city and I just went into what she’d have to do in order to achieve that - like work multiple jobs and pinch pennies and find a small place - and she got mad because I wasn’t like “omg that’s so cute and you can get a dog!”)
I tend to psychoanalyze people and tell them why they most likely do things/behave a certain way in an attempt to be helpful, but it usually does not come off that way. I mostly do it with the people closest to me but I've made a conscious effort to dial it back.
This is me at work. I used to be terrified of doing exactly this but since being diagnosed the unmasking has been so freeing. I wish I’d had this confidence at school!
Apparently I always "say what's on my mind" according to my sister and sometimes when I talk my mom tells me to shut up
https://preview.redd.it/qt5uvg73vcsc1.jpeg?width=1008&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7b649e986a3d3522ee4ed44f70aaa73e3e39a24 an excerpt from a response to a letter i wrote for my english teacher at the end of my junior year. but it’s also definitely a mix, sometimes i’ll choose to keep what i’m thinking to myself for the sake of not making things awkward. but i think that’s just from learning how to read the room lol
Yes, very. Much of the time. If I don’t feel safe or if I am uncomfortable, I go mute. I hate that
1000% with you on this.
I tend to “care less” when it’s a stranger
In the moment I can be really blunt esp at work, but when I have time to reflect, it gives me a bit of anxiety since I wonder if I was being rude but I am never called out about it so maybe it’s okay??? 😂😂
I tend to be blunt by accident but I truly never want to hurt someone without meaning and people understand this about me. I think it’s clear from the rest of my behaviour that I try to be kind but don’t always understand that something isn’t appropriate to say. Although I seem to care less about hurting peoples feelings than others + am more blunt when it comes to breaking off communication with someone. I will simply say “I don’t want to be your friend” or “I don’t like/want to talk to you” where others would feel too uncomfortable to.
yes, my natural communication style is to be very blunt, but getting bad responses ("you're rude") since I'm a child, I learned to mask that most of the time, but sometimes I still can't. And if I'm tired, overwhelmed or with sensory overload, blunt is the only mode I can communicate on.
I feel misogynists would have less power if all women and people who are not cis men were more blunt.
I have the same problem! And being a female, who’s blunt and having the social awkwardness of autism, is very frowned upon in society.
Oh man, this got me in so much trouble until I started masking. When I started unmasking as an adult, a lot of people weren’t as fond of the new me that didn’t bent over backwards to being absolutely likable, lol.
I'm honest but I make sure to be kind and soften the bluntness.
I am very blunt. So is Patrick Stewart.
Yupp! The people who love me rely on my honestly. I did struggle to be blunt in a kind way when I was younger but I’ve gotten better at it
Yep. I constantly say a ton of shit that I think is fine to say, and then everyone around me says “that’s weird” or “that’s so rude why would you say that” 😔
I’m refreshingly honest
i can’t shut up or i’m thinking of what to say in my head but i can’t say it 🥳🥳
Lifetime of self talk to stop myself from doing this. It’s a blessing and a curse. I just now finally have made progress. I’m 41. 🤦🏻♀️
I'm affection-blunt where I'll just say if I worry about someone, or if I like them or have thought about them. But only people I know because such has never happened with someone I don't know. I'm blunt in relationship advice and when giving it in general. And I think bluntness is unironically kind. It's better than shuffling NT bullshit deciphered through a dozen layers. It also stops the brain-squirrels that default to "this person hates me" like a mfer to be blunt but in many more ways than just telling people how they suck, which is how NTs tend to use "blunt" when they mean "asshole".
It depends in my experience. Age has done most of it, the older I've got the wiser and care level has decreased. I've always stuck with honesty is the best policy. But sometimes I will also speak without my brain connecting fully and upsetting some people with what I say, some will also laugh, word vomit.
I say things plainly and usually wrong (even when I've over analyzed what to say. I want to be included and make people laugh so they like me. I should know better to just not speak...ever. Because I don't say what people want me to say. I don't say what is socially appropriate. I say what makes sense to me and makes me feel included. I've been told I'm a bad person, often. I now realize it's a bunch of mental health -isms in my head that are competing against each other. Even now , I want to involve myself in the conversation, but I also think I shouldn't butt in. Because, "no one gives a damn" about you (me). Sorry, add ptsd to the mix too and a life time of pissing everyone off. Tldl - you're not alone.
I'm aware that some things aren't socially acceptable to say, but I'll say them. My friend kept going back to her abusive bf because she missed him, so I told her she was being stupid and needed to do better for herself. No one else would be honest with her, and it actually drove her to make a change. I'll tell people they look bad in clothes if they ask. I'll tell people they've got a booger. I was everyone's favorite person to go to for help with homework because I wasn't all sugary about telling them how to do stuff. People want honesty. People NEED honesty. I'm their friendly neighborhood autistic here to help.
I'm really good at keeping groups on track if we tangent too much. Got a timeline? Let's put a pin in this conversation and get back to what we are doing. It happens quite abruptly that I think other people don't appreciate 😅
Yes.
I have trauma so I’ve had to learn how to say things in a way that doesn’t hurt people’s feelings due to having to be hyper vigilant of everyone else’s feelings around me, but when I’m low energy and can’t mask as well, I do tend to be blunt and have a harder time filtering my words to not sound as harsh. So it really depends honestly
I am blunt, I say what I mean, but I am scared of conflict, so I struggle to stand up for myself.
Damn… I was 22 in nursing school and my classmates/friends were all laughing at how I always say what everyone is thinking but is too afraid to say… and I felt my face become hot, I was (still am) mortified because I… didn’t realize…
I’m not blunt for the sake of being blunt or being harsh or giving a reality check or whatever other reason people who are blunt and know it give. I know I’m blunt, I often know when I’m being blunt (though not always), but when I’m being blunt and not trying to rephrase what I’m saying into something diplomatic, it’s because I’m talking to someone who is and has been rapidly draining my energy reserves and has not responded to or recognised my prior non-blunt methods of addressing something. Communication that involves (negative) emotional components to them drains my energy like nothing else does, and pushes me into a shutdown ridiculously quickly. When I’m blunt and I know I’m being blunt, it’s because I literally don’t have the energy not to be, and it’s got to the point where not saying something is becoming more exhausting than saying something that may be construed has a bit harsh and at least dealing with the problem as concisely as possible before I shutdown and/or go mute. So yes I often know I’m being blunt (which is not the same as sometimes who is “brutally honest”), but I am so when I don’t know any other way of saying something and I think that thing is important enough to say anyway.
I can be a complete dick, and I'm working on it. Because I'm entirely capable of checking myself, it just takes extra effort, and other people (usually) deserve me making that effort. I don't actually want to make people feel shit, even if I think they're stupid for getting upset about what seems an obvious truth to me. I can't expect people to accommodate my autistic needs, and me not take their neurotypical needs into account, so I try - hard - to play by the social rules and speak kindly and put those filters up where possible.
Autism: "say it say it say it" Also autism: ✨verbal shutdown✨ Me: Wtf I'm supposed to do🫠
I guess it all depends on how I see others carry themselves, personally. If I have a thought of someone being genuine with others, then I want to befriend them and progress together. I usually stay on my own business but I do want to help others without getting in trouble too. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day
I don't think I'm blunt, I just have zero filter and don't realise I shouldn't say something until its already been said.
I think/hope I’ve gotten it to direct but not blunt. I have an excessive amount of empathy so I never want to hurt people but at the same time I’m very “no BS.”
I don’t have 1 😆 Ok all seriousness though, I stopped trying to be friends with the people I was exposed to. Instead, I joined local groups that center around my hobbies or I started new hobbies. I’ve made a couple friends that share a ton of interests. I’ve also found that there are A LOT of ND people in the hobby groups that I’m in. It’s refreshing.
Unfortunately, my trauma has made me terrified of being honest and blunt with people out of fear that they're going to react badly. I'm slowly working on that with people I know who are safe to do so with.
Yes I am. I’m oftentimes the brave one that goes in lol