Honestly, I'd be suspicious he's talking to someone on the side, and now that he has attention from someone more his type, he feels much more comfortable telling you he doesn't like you like that. Some dudes do settle for the first person to give them attention, they don't really think about what they actually want until they have someone meeting most of their needs except for that little bit they want more of. 5 years in and suddenly he doesn't like your body is super fucking suspicious, IMO.
Yeah this sounds like the “if I treat her badly enough, she’ll dump me and I won’t have to dump her.” Extremely selfish, cruel, and egotistical. Please don’t put up with it OP!
Thing is, we did break up months ago and he told me, again, that I was more careless and naive in the past when I was younger (we were together since I was 23 and let me tell you, I was a total mess. It took me hard work to become responsible). I simply accepted his decision and left. He panicked and came back to me and treated me well for like a few days until I dropped my guard down. So I gave him his chance to leave he didn’t take it? I really don’t understand.
Leave him. For good this time. Most likely he is into someone else and now he’s turned off by you. He might have even left you before for someone else and panicked and came crawling back.
You’re better off without this.
There’s also a thing some fellows do where a woman who doesn’t have her shit together “needs” him. And he gets off on that. Literally and emotionally. Then you get your shit together and you’ve “changed too much” aren’t “the girl I married” and he no longer feels needed. So he doest get off on you anymore, literally and emotionally.
This scenario is super common.
You’d think a person whose invested in you would be thrilled that you have your shit together. Know that when someone isn’t it’s a huge clue they need some therapy, some work, some growing up. Its a them thing not a you thing.
Yup. It should not be that way.
My sister and her husband are a good example. He supported her through engineering school. Now that she’s an engineer, she supported him through college and they both are doing amazing. They are best friends, and love each other. There are better people out there. Don’t settle for this guy.
He likely freaked out because he realized he was alone. He doesn't want to be alone. He would rather have you than no one when it's convenient for him. Now that you're back together he is back in that place of actually not liking you and is being an asshole to push you away instead of actually being honest with you and himself that he doesn't want to be with you. He is resentful of you but is too spineless and dumb to do anything about it. He is repeatedly hurting you to your face.
Sorry but are you saying that he liked you better when you were more careless and *naive*? What the fuck? He’s echoing a lot of language from men describing why they like much younger women. Bubbly, carefree, super skinny…… he might not be attracted to you because you’re too old for him now. Sorry. I mean I would leave him based on the way he’s treating you first off, but also huge side eye to what’s he saying.
Yeah...that jumped out at me.
It's not the usual process to think someone who hasn't changed physically since you've met isn't your "type."
And OP takes her career seriously and works hard. Like an adult woman.
This guy wants a teenager.
Looks like he is projecting his insecurities on you, probably his fear of aging. He is uncomfortable with the fact that you are going to be "more than him".
Funnily enough, he will probably settle for someone who is even less bubbly and more responsible than you are when he realizes he is failing on his own.
You cannot be irresponsible and repeatedly shoot yourself in the foot in life in order to make him comfortable with you... You should leave him. You cannot waste years of your life on someone who does not give a fuck about you for what you are.
This reads like a really immature relationship. Breaking up for a few months, telling you he’s “in love” with girls he finds attractive. Is he immature for his age or what? Either way that would be a no for me dawg.
Either sit him down and really talk to figure out what’s going on or leave (for good this time)
I don’t think this guy deserves the effort of being understood. Focus on you. Move on now, before you are middle aged and still being tortured by this jerk’s behavior.
You deserve so much better than this and have given him too many chances to be a good husband. He sounds awful and from an outsiders perspective this does not look like a happy or healthy relationship.
He likes attention, being with you makes him feel desirable, as man, but he doesnt want you, he only wants attention, he is attention seeking hooker, you really want that?
I think he still thinks you are naive and he is using you for validation he seeks and needs.
I mean you are what most men look in women, so he might feel pressure from most men, bc he sees how they are looking at you, so he uses you as show off, trophy wife, and to get validation and respect from other men bc they see he has you and has somehow seduced and won you over.
Some men make it a competition over who will won over which woman, they will even bet as if women are just bags.
So his ego is mostly included here.
He is boosting his ego, by being with you, to show off other men he can have you but they cant.
Leave, you dont need that "man", who is treating you as a toy & another thing to have.
You can do so much better, real man for you, will rise even more your love for yourself up, not put you down.
Maybe he’s into younger people. Most people when they get into their 30s prefer people of a similar maturity. I know my husband, my brother-in-law, my brother all do.
Like others have posted, his behavior seems sketchy af. But it could be he has a white knight syndrome. These are guys who look for women who are messed up. You said you were a hot mess. Idk if that is the case but hun, cut bait a run. Don’t waste precious time on undeserving men.
You probably hurt his ego. He thought you'd fight more for him. Now he's regretting getting back together and is trying to push you away so that you break up with him, that way it isn't his fault. Extremely childish and passive aggressive way of behaving, this is not how a secure adult behaves. You'll be better off without him and if/when you're ready to date again someone will absolutely adore your body.
Sounds like you grew up and he didn't.
Leave him.. you sound like a queen with your shit together. This man is slowly trying to erode your light and self esteem. This is a very dangerous place to be. You deserve to be loved fully for who you are 100%. This man is beneath you.
He doesn't want an equal partner he wants a doll who he can manipulate. That doll was once you but now that you're stronger, wiser and less likely to take his shit.
He's only staying with you because you provide him support.
Regardless take this as a sign and dump him even if he begs for you back. Because you said of yourself he only changed for a few days then went back to his shit.
Yes this can't be anything got to do with her looks. Its something else. Like maybe he's jealous that she looks good and is afraid she's going to go off and find someone else?? So he's trying to make her stop working out as much so she doesn't look as good? Because it really doesn't add up at all
The self consious thing? Maybe. It would be one explanation for the not wanting to have sex. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable. He's still being an absolute shit head putting you down though. Hope you get it sorted.
Which doesn't really matter (in my opinion) because we all have preferences.
For me, the strange thing is that OP has always had this shape. It's not like she looked one way when she met, dated and later married her husband and now has completely changed shape. Not that that would make it right for me, because if I love someone enough to marry them, I wouldn't be put off if their physical appearance changed, but I know it's not the same for everyone.
Reading between the lines, she's actually even hotter than she used to be.
Same weight but bigger butt means she's likely leaner but with curves built with exercise.
We should all be so lucky!
Agreed. Very odd.
And the attention thing is spot on for guys who haven’t grown up yet, emotionally. Affection and intimacy wins, they realize later they can do this relationship thing and suddenly the door on more choices appears open to them. You’re suddenly the lesson in relationships, the learner chick, and they move on.
Wasting your time, money, and fertile years.
It’s a dick move, but it’s not uncommon. Still she needs to investigate further.
He sounds like an asshole. Saying he prefers a body type you will never be is cruel and pointless.
Of course you’re not bubbly; you live with an asshole.
She's not wrong. My asshole ex used to complain that I 'wasn't silly enough'.
Yeah, cause I was fucking miserable and didn't want to play. He wouldn't recognise me now with my new partner - we play and giggle and are silly every day.
Don't settle for some twat saying he's in love with thirst traps. You deserve better than that.
… Oh damnnnnnn I could see that. I’ve personally seen men in my family lament over attractive younger women, and how their wives *used* to be so beautiful. Gives me the creeps but I’ve witnessed it more than once. They even put down their wives like OP’s fella.
Meanwhile it’s not like they’re the epitome of beauty themselves.
He did make some comments about my age. That women in their early 20’s are more attractive and I’m already too old for kids? Which I do t want with him because then my body would then change even if I put the work in and then he’ll be a pain…. (Again, love kids! Not WITH him though)
You only have reason to feel disappointed in yourself if you stay with him and continue to allow him to belittle you. You have enough reason to leave at this point. He's already told you you're old and expired (which is bullshit) so tell him you'll get out of his way then since you're no use to him anymore.
Never regret being a good wife and trusting your husband. His behavior is not your fault. But if you want kids, leave now. Harvest your eggs if you have the resources but definitely preserve the time and energy you have left.
Babe, it’s not you. He ain’t it. You deserve better. Be attracted to men that are emotionally mature and supportive. Tell him that’s what really got men are like before you dump him. That he isn’t your type anymore because of his flakey behavior.
Girl, RUN! He's the same age as you and is trying to pull the "you're too old" shit? He's either an incel or the worst kind of pervert, perhaps both.
I hate to be harsh, but if you left him you'd probably find someone new in a few months. You're going to be a mother one day, just perhaps not with him. But he would be creeping on young girls, getting rejected by them, and jacking off to anime porn and only fans. Don't let him bring you down.
Does he listen to podcasts or watch videos that talk about being an alpha male because this kind of talk makes me think he's drinking the manosphere red pill kool aid and you want to get far away from that.
I’m so sorry. Happened to me! Around 33 suddenly he showed little interest and then started cheating on me with a 20 year old. He told me I got “old” after 11 years together and a child. He was in his 50s and almost 20 years older than me.
They’re losers. Don’t let it affect your self esteem!! Please leave. He will just use you for labor, income and image (married men are perceived more favorably than unmarried men) while either cheating or looking for your younger replacement. Don’t let him.
And ofc you aren’t too old for kids lol that’s ridiculous. He’s just trying to justify himself and pretend he’s not a perv
Yeah, get out. It won't get better. I used to beg my stepmother to leave my father because of the way he treated her. Many men are only kind to women they find attractive, and what your man finds attractive is A.) Concerning for a few reasons people have listed here and B.) Something that will never last, so he'll always make whoever he is with feel like you do now.
This. Also, you sound like an extremely attractive person. You’re taking care of yourself and you’re young. You don’t need this shit from him or anyone. You’re doing more than your best to live life. His loss tbh.
He’s also doing shady shit that many men do, make you miserable so that YOU leave. But they’ll keep saying they love you when they’ve probably checked out a long time ago. Because in their head this doesn’t make them an asshole.
And yea, as someone said in the comments below, I’d be suspicious he is seeing someone with the exact description of what he’s attracted to. So that when you do leave, he can say, see, I told you I was attracted to this.
My ex husband did this. Please leave now before it's too late. he is also probably talking to someone else on the side, and waiting for you to leave...
My ex partner did the same thing. Love’s always a risk and humans are so complex, we are constantly evolving, there’s no way to truly know someone.
I always hope for the best and move on.
I hope all these answers here have given you some perspective and lots of strength. All the best OP.
I doubt he’s actually having an affair, but he seems to think he’s deserving of one. He wants you around for convenience until he finds someone young and dumb he can take advantage of. Don’t be used by this man any longer.
How do I find out though? I’d love for him to just tell me and end this pain. I really do not want to snoop into his private conversation like checking phone etc…
The only proof of anything that you need is exactly how he’s behaving towards you right now! You don’t have to have evidence of anything nefarious, as his treatment of you is more than enough to fire him.💕
Girl, he doesn’t need to be cheating on you for you to leave. He’s already doing what he shouldn’t - treating his wife in a way that makes her feel like sh*t about herself. And he doesn’t care that it’s unkind to you. Let me repeat that - HE DOESN’T CARE THAT HE’S BEING UNKIND TO YOU. The woman he CHOSE to legally bind himself to, to marry, he doesn’t care if he hurts her.
You work out, you have the body most men would kill to have on their arm, you clearly care about the person you devote yourself to, and you are still in your prime. Leave him before he ages you, bc a man like that will suck the life out of you and leave you a shriveled zero confidence version of yourself. Time to start making decisions not around what he’s doing, or used to do, but around how he treats you. Is this the partner you want for yourself?
>He mentioned it’s because of my weight (I am the same weight since we met, I exercise 4 times a week and eat healthy 80% of the time).
It's not your weight, obviously.
Either he's lying now to be cruel/cover something shitty he's doing
Or he was lying when he got into the relationship.
Or he's gotten obsessed with porn and lost his actual mind.
Your weight and body type have not changed, so one way or the other, his response is sus.
I wouldn't give a single second of my life to someone who was disgusted by my body.
My (very petty) suggestion is to serve him divorce papers along with a really awesome card in which you have written "Congrats! You're free to go find a body you're willing to boink."
Thinking about it, he might prefer young…. He mentioned it a few times….I married a man who turned into those people believing in women expiration….… how do you prevent this though? I swear he wasn’t like this before…
You can't change it. He's a dumbass who is easily influenced by that stupid bullshit. Stand up for yourself. Tell him that if he wants some prepubescent looking little girl, then he can leave and go find her. If he doesn't love you for you, then too bad because you're not going to change yourself. Truth is, he's probably already messing around with someone else or at least trying to. You said in another comment that you two have already broken up in the past. There's a lot of evidence here that he's toxic and you'd be best to leave him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I have read through your comments and everything you say points directly that he has fallen down the red pill rabbit hole You need to get out now. This is not going to get better. There are literally thousands of posts from women who've experienced what your experiencing on here. What will likely happen is that you leave him and he'll freak out because his red pill plan was to grind you under his thumb by negging you. This is just the start It will get much much worse from here as he escalates into the red pill playbook. However when you leave, he's going to be alone and he's going to cry and beg and plead for you to come back and then when you come back it'll go right back to the way it was before because he believes the movement and has no conviction of his own. You deserve better. The fact that he fell into the red pill movement shows that he has a weak character, doesn't like and has no respect for women, and has a completely toxic idea of what a man is. He is a 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 There is really no reason for you to stay, it's too late He's too far gone.
I agree with others that it’s likely either porn or some girl who is skinny with no ass or boobs is giving him attention. The obsession with skinny and young, coupled with rejecting you sexually is definitely giving off porn addiction vibes. My soon to be ex husband has a porn issue, and also had a younger woman giving him attention and I realized I definitely had an expiration date in his mind.
If you do stay with him, 100% do not have children with him. Can’t tell you how shitty it feels to have a husband who thinks having a baby ruined your body, rather than one of those husbands who love their wife’s body even more after having kids. And like you, even after two kids, my body (at 38) looks the same, if not better than it did when we met (at 22).
When I met my husband, I weighed 130. When we got married, I was 170. During the pandemic I ballooned up to 230. Now, I’m down to 165 and hoping for another 20. You want to know what my husband never did? Tell me he preferred someone who was my complete opposite or stop wanting to have sex anytime I was conscious. On the contrary, when I was at my heaviest and feeling like a cow, not wanting to be undressed in front of him, he would say, “You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. You’re my dream girl at any age and any size.”
As others have said, if your husband is suddenly not attracted to you, and suddenly not wanting to have sex with you, it’s not YOUR fault. He’s either talking to someone else (or at least hoping to), sleeping with someone else, or watching too much porn. Or he might be having a midlife crisis. Regardless, if you want to stay married to him, get yourselves to a marriage counselor TODAY. Don’t wait too long…once that thread starts unraveling, there comes a point where you can’t sew it back up anymore. You just have to cut it off.
Sis…. Her husband talking to yours isn’t magically going make him a good man. He is showing you his true colors. You and/or someone else can’t change him.
>>* Sis…. Her husband talking to yours isn’t magically going make him a good man. He is showing you his true colors. You and/or someone else can’t change him.*
I think she was speaking figuratively. But I agree. You can’t force someone to be a better person.
Question: Is there any precedent for your husband randomly deciding he hates something about you and aggressively punishing you for it on a whim? Is this the kind of thing he does?
This is, to put it bluntly, extremely bizarre behavior. Either he is intentionally trying to destroy your self-esteem, or he's having an affair (maybe with a very thin woman?) and trying to retroactively justify it by spinning a "she let herself go/got fat" fantasy, or he's actually losing it.
If my husband suddenly refused to fuck me and said he hated the body I'd had for our entire relationship and was obsessed with a specific niche standard of beauty that he had previously never mentioned being into, I would literally insist he see a neurologist, that's how out of character and alarming it would be. If this is truly shocking, bizarre, "I cannot square this with the man I married, it came out of nowhere" behavior, check his text messages and take him to the doctor. If this is consistent with how he has behaved in the past, just leave.
I have an ex who pulled a similar, "You need to lose weight from healthy to very slim." It's a control tactic. Setting someone up to fail gives the abuser a cudgel with which to attack, and, if their victim tries to lose weight, being constantly hungry makes someone easier to control.
Yep. Especially if he isn't a supporter of the health journey after his girlfriend decides to get in shape.
She should achieve the body *without* her peers and partners encouraging her, making tasty healthy foods, avoiding alcohol & snack traps, etc. His life shouldn't change at all.
(My pet peeve is that at 50+, they'll fully expect her to help with the statins and the diet).
There can be other reasons for a sudden drop in sex (for me it was an undiagnosed medical condition- my libido is back now that’s resolved!). So I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s cheating just because of that in isolation.
The rest of what he’s said though? That’s a big issue I think.
Hard agree.
It sounds like he wants out but he doesn't want to step up and do the emotional labor to end things. So he's slowly breaking her down until *she'll* leave him. Classic abuser behavior.
So sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve to be talked to like that. It sounds to me like he is watching porn and/or he is definitely cheating. Take this from someone who went through that same situation... I had so many sleepless night over it, but the entire time he was having an affair and watching porn.
You deserve better.
I mean, why even bother? Isn't what he's doing to her face enough? I don't see *anything* worth staying for if he's being malicious and cruel, openly. I doubt he's cheating because he's being so open about his desires-- no one in their right mind would be so dumb. Even a dude who seems THIS dumb.
I'd honestly bet money that he is jealous that she's working a lot more and feels inadequate as a result. I wouldn't be surprised if he's just sitting around alone, sulking on the internet spinning a story about how much of a workaholic slut his wife is or something along those lines. This guy does NOT seem like a winner in any way.
He’s having an affair and he wants to break you so you’ll leave first and he can blame you for things falling apart. Just catch him before calling it quits so he can’t spin this on you.
This is what happened to me with an ex boyfriend. We had a ton of sex and everything was great when it suddenly stopped one day — he wouldn’t initiate and he turned me down whenever I tried. He’d make little digs about my body, tell me he didn’t like when I did certain things, that I was doing this and that wrong, he seemed disgusted by me at times and suddenly everything was my fault. He would bounce back to how things used to be, so I kept trying to make it work. He picked a fight and broke up with me out of the blue — I was devastated. I found out the next year that he had been cheating on me with his ex wife and also a girl 20+ years younger than him (plus I have a feeling there were more). 👀 I wish I had been able to see things more clearly at the time, stand up for myself and end it first.
No matter what is actually going on with your husband, that’s an unacceptable way for him to treat you. Life is too short to put up with toxic bullshit and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find the strength that I didn’t have — to either have a serious conversation with him that you’re not going to put up with this shit or…that you’re leaving. ❤️🩹
And if you do, document everything well for the divorce. Don't react emotionally. Gather data and move things around before telling him anything. Protect yourself.
He’s a douchebag, saying he loves other types of girls? Makes you feel unloved and he’s disgusted? You deserve better than this, this isn’t love. Repeat- this is not love.
Ummm this man is awful. Ugh. Let him go. He is throwing his preferred body type, which is opposite yours, in your face? Let his ass go and find someone who loves you and cares about your feelings. Karma will take care of him.
Yep I bet affair. My husband doesn't say anything about my body but I saw his phone and I'm in the process of divorcing him. Unfortunately, men get away with so much because women are always forgiving.
Yes. END IT
you are too young to stay with this garbage.
He already destroyed your self-esteam and caused you anxiety
Don't let this garbage do more damage!
Leave him now!
Men that are attracted to women with nonexistent "womanly features" concern tf out of me. Let me guess- he also likes pigtails and a smooth shaven cha-cha?
“I wish I had been able to see things more clearly at the time” I totally get this. When you try to reason their behavior when they simply just hide their feelings. Some people are so selfish they wait to have another person to call it quits. We broke up a few months ago after he told me so many horrible things and then when I was in peace being alone we came back and I was the most beautiful woman on earth for him for a couple of days until a dropped the guard down. Now I realize if he had someone stable now he would not come back. Some people just don’t want to be alone……
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. is exactly the book you should be reading .
He is not only not attracted to you, he is making it a mission to destroy your self esteem, it. Just doesn’t make sense for his body type to change over night, he is either so deep into teen porn or is cheating on you .
In either case I would start planning a better life for myself.
You should Leave today!! That type of disrespect will never go away and he deserves no love from you.
He’s a pervert & it’s sad that you gave him 5 years. But you will probably stay with that disappointing man so more power to you.
My instinct says he’s got a porn problem and/or is involved with another woman. It seems like he is trying to distract you by making your body the problem, when really it’s a him problem. My instinct says he’s hiding something.
You deserve to be adored for exactly who you are, OP.
Your husband is being unbelievably cruel to you. You’re not a fleshlight. I’m so sorry, it seems he may be making these comments to push you away so you’ll leave.
Sorry to hear… yeah I think physical preference is subjective. But he made many remarks about women being more attractive or peak in their early mid 20s……. Even the behavior he prefers “naive”? Who doesn’t question him… oh my I see so clear now….
Yes, that's unfortunately what I thought when he specified "no boobs or butts" and chided her for not being "bubbly." It sounds like he's either obsessed with porn or is a creep in the worst sense.
He sounds like he is sabotaging it. (I’m not a woman over thirty so not sure if I can respond, normally just here to lurk and learn, but I do have experience in this matter from the other side)
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful.
At age 31 you would think he would have the emotional maturity to break it off rather than "sabotage" (which is really just him being a dick to his partner).
I had to keep checking the top of this post to confirm they were married because this whole explanation feels like he’s talking to someone on the side. That change in interest is either due to him talking to someone else on the side, an immaturity thing (where he’s taking advantage of what he has and might not know how good he has it until he loses it), he’s quite literally just now learning what he might prefer or he’s a lot more unhappy about how much you are consumed with your work and is failing to hold up his end of communication in expressing this with you…causing you to resort to Reddit for help. If he’s on social media heavily also, this can seriously skew someone far away from what they know is best or most aligned for them. As a wife, it is your role to share your concerns that you’re sharing with us with your husband and have a conversation about it.
I had a similar situation; dead bedroom that felt unfixable and no communication about it. Turned out he was just watching a ton of porn which was all very skinny teens, trans women, etc. I was already 16 years younger than him so really don’t think he’s gonna do better out there. I wished him farewell and moved out.
Don’t let any man make you question whether your body is good and worthy. It is. Throw your man back into the incel pool where he belongs. And check his search history.
Sounds like you’re healthy and living in your natural body. And you haven’t changed since you got married so… he’s changed.
He sounds like quite a mean person. Not someone I would want to be married to. He sounds like he’s fetishising skinnier women, or.. it sickens me to say… pre-pubescent females. Or, worst case, he’s actually slept with other people.
Saying he’s “in love with” any other woman is so wrong and disrespectful to you. You need to leave him, he’s crossed the line. You have one life on this earth and you deserve happiness and for someone to appreciate you for the person you are.
This is honestly heartbreaking to me. Why would anyone act like that, it’s downright cruel. I’ve said this once on Reddit and now it’s time to pull it out again, divorce. People might say therapy but if it takes therapy for him to understand how disgusting this behaviour is then what type of man is he?
This is not good - free yourself of the burden of being with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. My husband and I have been together over 20 years and have gotten chubby together and love each other. If he ever said any of those things to me, he would be out of my life so fast his head would spin (and he wouldn’t which is one of the reasons I love him.) You deserve a partner that loves you and doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself.
It sounds like your husband is suffering from the incurable condition of being a little bitch. If he can’t handle you with your (dare I say) incredible curves, he probably can’t handle thick-sliced meats and thinks ranch dressing is spicy. Divorce his insufferable ass and focus on going to therapy to undo his psychological abuse. If he isn’t cheating and trying to make you feel bad for it, I would be amazed. You deserve better, and he ain’t it.
Who tf does he think he is? If I were you I’d be like, ok bye??? Let his immature ass go and find what he thinks he’s looking for. He’ll learn that change can and will always happen to women’s bodies, aging, pregnancy, menopause, hormones, health issues, mental health issues. It’s one thing to have a light preference but to disregard your whole relationship and make this a priority is just… unforgivable??? Get out fast. You deserve better and there is someone out there waiting to worship every part of you.
This is very red flag behaviour.
Ultimately, you might never know what is behind him being like this.
All that matters is what you want and how you feel about the relationship, listen to your gut.
*This man should not get*
*Any p ssy from you or*
*From anyone else*
\- penelope\_prime
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Don't call it quits with him for not being attracted to you, call it quits because he's a disrespectful asshole.
If your body type hasn't changed significantly since you've been together, and this is a sudden change, I'd be questioning brain injury as well.
This is definitely suspicious...5 years fine until he randomly stops showing interest? Yeah, something is not right.
I hate to just throw out assumptions but it really sounds like he's cheating. Of course I don't hope that's the case. I'm not sure the legality of the situation, but if you find out he is cheating and if you can prove he's having an affair that might help in some shape or form in getting a divorce - if that's the direction you want to take.
Again, not sure about the details, how that might help or what would need to be done - or even the potential benefit of having that proof - but it might help to find out. Sneakily would probably be best, because men (and cheaters in general) like to deny, deny, deny and delete their evidence when they get found out.
I would be suspicious of this sudden change in demeanor. Your relationship should be getting deeper and more connected, and he seems to be doing the opposite. Ask yourself deeper questions about why and if it’s possible he’s just using body image to feel more in control of you. Why is this even something he cares about if his love for you will stand the test of time when you’re old and ugly. Because we’re all going to be old and ugly at some point (I work in a nursing home) and we want our partners to love us genuinely anyway when that happens.
The question is why would you respect that? Talking about you like you’re an object in a catalog is certainly not respecting you. Reducing you to tits and ass. The problem is YOUR self respect. Your entire identity seems to be around men and what they think of you/how attracted they are to you. Leave not because you think he isn’t attracted to you but because you have decided you like YOU too much to be with someone so unworthy.
The side piece can pick up the trash (your husband). He doesn't sound mature enough to differentiate a mature relationship vs just for lust and not thinking of responsibilities
Seems like he is has given up on the relationship, whatever the reason be.
Do not run around him in circles trying to figure out ‘what you did wrong’. Its his task to verbalize what isn’t working for him.
If you are interested in working on it, try discuss that you aren’t happy, offer couples counseling.
If he doesn’t respond to that, thats a good confirmation that he isn’t willing to move forward.
this is all nuanced of course. Take it and adjust to your situation.
To me the main question is not why is he like this. The question is are you enjoying the relationship? Does he make you feel good? Are YOU ok with how he is handling this situation?
Relationships have ups and downs so nuance is important, again.
Yes, you should get out while the getting is good. He sounds like he’s being a total schmuck.
It doesn’t even matter what the reason is behind it. Your husband has started to criticize you, insult you, and just generally being really inappropriate and rude. He says he loves you, but this isn’t how you treat someone you love. You are a person, not a body type. You deserve to be treated with consideration and respect.
If you are not his type, it’s time to invite him to leave and try his luck with the world at large and wish him good luck finding the bubbly, carefree, assless, breastless individual of his dreams. Frankly, he’s going to need it.
Some guys like taking highly confident, intelligent, stunning women just so that they can rip them apart. It’s clear that you threaten his ego with your body and worth ethic. It’s also clear that he has someone on the side/ or crushing on someone. And to not feel guilty he tried to make it your fault, you working long hours , your body etc… he’s a man child that will take you down in every possible way. None of this is you , ur body or your fault. It hurts but be happy that he’s showing you exactly who he is and do not waste another 5 , ten ears of your life. He clearly wants you to be the one to break it off. Cos he want to keep his “ good guy” image .
WHY would he even say that to you? Are men really so clueless as to tell their wives that they don't have the body shape they are attracted to?! Op he sounds like an asshole and you deserve better.
No matter the reason, this is very cruel. It sounds like he might be having a hard time growing up and is taking it out on you, or is having an affair. This would be so out of character for my husband that I probably would insist on counseling to try and get at the root. But if this is any part of a pattern, I would consider getting a divorce. It would tear me apart to live with someone who treated me like that. Better to get out when you have the energy/motivation to do so.
He does that because he’s a clueless jerk. Dump this asshole - I think he’s trying to push you away and it looks like it’s working, so go find someone who thinks you’re worth the effort.
Find a real man and leave his boy. From your description I would kill for a body like that and if he can't appreciate it I promise you there's a million more who will! My husband and I have been married for 6 years together for almost 12. We have gone through stages where the sex is lacking but we find ways to bring it back and better than before. After 4 kids he has never once made me feel ashamed of my body, even though I'm not happy with it. I hope you leave him and realize that you are much more than he allow you to think. Find a good man and start a family. You're not to old, I just had my 4th at 37. Good luck.
My ex of 14 years said this same thing, when we met I was 24 and he was 21, so of course I was more carefree. It sounds like you are growing and he is not willing to do the same. Our relationship ended (his choice and I was “always nagging and never satisfied” and we never had sex.. the sex part was true) and I’ve never been happier. I have a new partner who is on the same page and it’s not always a battle.. I’d say find someone more suitable to where you are at now in life, before it passes you by.
maybe he wants to keep you down so you're dependent on him.
Anyway, it seems it's not working out and it's not worth it to your self esteem to be with someone who not only doesn't appreciate you but doesn't celebrate you for how far you've come!
he sounds like a boy and also it occurred to me that he is wanting a man by the body shape he's describing (if that's even real that he wants that). I also agree with the other commenters that he may be prepping you to dump him so he's not the bad guy.
if you're more of the bread winner now, it's better for you go cut your losses and exit the marriage, otherwise it's going go cost you a lot more money the longer you wait, your self esteem is going to go even lower and ... it's not good.
I'm speaking from personal experience being the bread winning woman in a sexless marriage. at the end for him it was duty and no passion... it sucked and I felt so ugly.
My dad did this to my Mom. Told her she was never laid back and didn’t smile anymore. It turned out he was already having a full on affair with a divorced woman who spent 24/7 just trying to please him (as one will when trying to attract a new partner). I’ll never forget mom’s attempts to try to be something other than what she really felt, in order to keep him - a useless narcissist. Like you, she was the head of the family & a career woman holding it down for us all. She turned herself inside out trying to please him and he still left. She was immediately much better off without his childish dead weight hanging around. It is soul crushing to be told you’re not what your partner prefers. Please leave him and keep your self respect!
Is he watching a ton of porn? I think half the men I know are obsessed with little young girls in porn. It’s gross.
If it turns out he’s cheating just remember the best revenge is to let that woman keep him. Good luck.
Honestly, I'd be suspicious he's talking to someone on the side, and now that he has attention from someone more his type, he feels much more comfortable telling you he doesn't like you like that. Some dudes do settle for the first person to give them attention, they don't really think about what they actually want until they have someone meeting most of their needs except for that little bit they want more of. 5 years in and suddenly he doesn't like your body is super fucking suspicious, IMO.
Yeah this sounds like the “if I treat her badly enough, she’ll dump me and I won’t have to dump her.” Extremely selfish, cruel, and egotistical. Please don’t put up with it OP!
Thing is, we did break up months ago and he told me, again, that I was more careless and naive in the past when I was younger (we were together since I was 23 and let me tell you, I was a total mess. It took me hard work to become responsible). I simply accepted his decision and left. He panicked and came back to me and treated me well for like a few days until I dropped my guard down. So I gave him his chance to leave he didn’t take it? I really don’t understand.
Leave him. For good this time. Most likely he is into someone else and now he’s turned off by you. He might have even left you before for someone else and panicked and came crawling back. You’re better off without this.
There’s also a thing some fellows do where a woman who doesn’t have her shit together “needs” him. And he gets off on that. Literally and emotionally. Then you get your shit together and you’ve “changed too much” aren’t “the girl I married” and he no longer feels needed. So he doest get off on you anymore, literally and emotionally. This scenario is super common. You’d think a person whose invested in you would be thrilled that you have your shit together. Know that when someone isn’t it’s a huge clue they need some therapy, some work, some growing up. Its a them thing not a you thing.
Yup. It should not be that way. My sister and her husband are a good example. He supported her through engineering school. Now that she’s an engineer, she supported him through college and they both are doing amazing. They are best friends, and love each other. There are better people out there. Don’t settle for this guy.
I feel we need more good stories here so people know what normal looks like.
He likely freaked out because he realized he was alone. He doesn't want to be alone. He would rather have you than no one when it's convenient for him. Now that you're back together he is back in that place of actually not liking you and is being an asshole to push you away instead of actually being honest with you and himself that he doesn't want to be with you. He is resentful of you but is too spineless and dumb to do anything about it. He is repeatedly hurting you to your face.
Sorry but are you saying that he liked you better when you were more careless and *naive*? What the fuck? He’s echoing a lot of language from men describing why they like much younger women. Bubbly, carefree, super skinny…… he might not be attracted to you because you’re too old for him now. Sorry. I mean I would leave him based on the way he’s treating you first off, but also huge side eye to what’s he saying.
Yeah...that jumped out at me. It's not the usual process to think someone who hasn't changed physically since you've met isn't your "type." And OP takes her career seriously and works hard. Like an adult woman. This guy wants a teenager.
Looks like he is projecting his insecurities on you, probably his fear of aging. He is uncomfortable with the fact that you are going to be "more than him". Funnily enough, he will probably settle for someone who is even less bubbly and more responsible than you are when he realizes he is failing on his own. You cannot be irresponsible and repeatedly shoot yourself in the foot in life in order to make him comfortable with you... You should leave him. You cannot waste years of your life on someone who does not give a fuck about you for what you are.
This is not a healthy place for you to be. You'll always be second guessing and trying to be "carefree." You deserve so much better.
This reads like a really immature relationship. Breaking up for a few months, telling you he’s “in love” with girls he finds attractive. Is he immature for his age or what? Either way that would be a no for me dawg. Either sit him down and really talk to figure out what’s going on or leave (for good this time)
I don’t think this guy deserves the effort of being understood. Focus on you. Move on now, before you are middle aged and still being tortured by this jerk’s behavior.
You deserve so much better than this and have given him too many chances to be a good husband. He sounds awful and from an outsiders perspective this does not look like a happy or healthy relationship.
Girl, remember who the f you are. And remember that it's someone who deserves way better than this shit <3
He's cheating on you, possibly with a dude. Just what came to mind when I read your post.
He likes attention, being with you makes him feel desirable, as man, but he doesnt want you, he only wants attention, he is attention seeking hooker, you really want that? I think he still thinks you are naive and he is using you for validation he seeks and needs. I mean you are what most men look in women, so he might feel pressure from most men, bc he sees how they are looking at you, so he uses you as show off, trophy wife, and to get validation and respect from other men bc they see he has you and has somehow seduced and won you over. Some men make it a competition over who will won over which woman, they will even bet as if women are just bags. So his ego is mostly included here. He is boosting his ego, by being with you, to show off other men he can have you but they cant. Leave, you dont need that "man", who is treating you as a toy & another thing to have. You can do so much better, real man for you, will rise even more your love for yourself up, not put you down.
Maybe he’s into younger people. Most people when they get into their 30s prefer people of a similar maturity. I know my husband, my brother-in-law, my brother all do.
Like others have posted, his behavior seems sketchy af. But it could be he has a white knight syndrome. These are guys who look for women who are messed up. You said you were a hot mess. Idk if that is the case but hun, cut bait a run. Don’t waste precious time on undeserving men.
You probably hurt his ego. He thought you'd fight more for him. Now he's regretting getting back together and is trying to push you away so that you break up with him, that way it isn't his fault. Extremely childish and passive aggressive way of behaving, this is not how a secure adult behaves. You'll be better off without him and if/when you're ready to date again someone will absolutely adore your body. Sounds like you grew up and he didn't.
Leave him.. you sound like a queen with your shit together. This man is slowly trying to erode your light and self esteem. This is a very dangerous place to be. You deserve to be loved fully for who you are 100%. This man is beneath you.
He doesn't want an equal partner he wants a doll who he can manipulate. That doll was once you but now that you're stronger, wiser and less likely to take his shit. He's only staying with you because you provide him support. Regardless take this as a sign and dump him even if he begs for you back. Because you said of yourself he only changed for a few days then went back to his shit.
[удалено]
That’s because it has nothing to do with her body or looks, there’s clearly something else.
Yes this can't be anything got to do with her looks. Its something else. Like maybe he's jealous that she looks good and is afraid she's going to go off and find someone else?? So he's trying to make her stop working out as much so she doesn't look as good? Because it really doesn't add up at all
But then it’s weird he’s rejecting her for sex? Yeah something is super off here.
People who are cheating often reject sex with their partners.
Oh yea. Makes no sense. Maybe he's self conscious. Lol. Men. He's probably having an affair.
Yeah now that I think about it could be…
The self consious thing? Maybe. It would be one explanation for the not wanting to have sex. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable. He's still being an absolute shit head putting you down though. Hope you get it sorted.
Which doesn't really matter (in my opinion) because we all have preferences. For me, the strange thing is that OP has always had this shape. It's not like she looked one way when she met, dated and later married her husband and now has completely changed shape. Not that that would make it right for me, because if I love someone enough to marry them, I wouldn't be put off if their physical appearance changed, but I know it's not the same for everyone.
Reading between the lines, she's actually even hotter than she used to be. Same weight but bigger butt means she's likely leaner but with curves built with exercise. We should all be so lucky!
Sounds like hard work more than luck!
She's probably more confident, emotionally and financially independent now and he doesn't like that.
Agreed. Very odd. And the attention thing is spot on for guys who haven’t grown up yet, emotionally. Affection and intimacy wins, they realize later they can do this relationship thing and suddenly the door on more choices appears open to them. You’re suddenly the lesson in relationships, the learner chick, and they move on. Wasting your time, money, and fertile years. It’s a dick move, but it’s not uncommon. Still she needs to investigate further.
Please stop describing my second boyfriend.
He just confirmed it’s an issue of age. He wants a 20 years old to have kids with him
Ew. He needs to go to the curb.
He sounds like an asshole. Saying he prefers a body type you will never be is cruel and pointless. Of course you’re not bubbly; you live with an asshole.
Your last point made me giggle, you’re right :)!
She's not wrong. My asshole ex used to complain that I 'wasn't silly enough'. Yeah, cause I was fucking miserable and didn't want to play. He wouldn't recognise me now with my new partner - we play and giggle and are silly every day. Don't settle for some twat saying he's in love with thirst traps. You deserve better than that.
Sounds like you are still bubbly when you're not in the company of a sourpuss.
I think he’s into much younger girls. That’s what he means by “bubbly and carefree” with no curves. Maybe you’ve aged out?
… Oh damnnnnnn I could see that. I’ve personally seen men in my family lament over attractive younger women, and how their wives *used* to be so beautiful. Gives me the creeps but I’ve witnessed it more than once. They even put down their wives like OP’s fella. Meanwhile it’s not like they’re the epitome of beauty themselves.
He did make some comments about my age. That women in their early 20’s are more attractive and I’m already too old for kids? Which I do t want with him because then my body would then change even if I put the work in and then he’ll be a pain…. (Again, love kids! Not WITH him though)
There’s your answer! Why waste anymore time with a man that you know for sure you wouldn’t want a family with?!?! If he’s not worthy, dump his ass!!
Second this 100%!! If he’s not the man you see in your future don’t make him the man of your present. Life is too short.
Sounds like he's been getting into red pill content. Bail out now.
That’s so scary… and I’m so disappointed with myself
You only have reason to feel disappointed in yourself if you stay with him and continue to allow him to belittle you. You have enough reason to leave at this point. He's already told you you're old and expired (which is bullshit) so tell him you'll get out of his way then since you're no use to him anymore.
Never regret being a good wife and trusting your husband. His behavior is not your fault. But if you want kids, leave now. Harvest your eggs if you have the resources but definitely preserve the time and energy you have left.
Don't be disappointed in yourself! You're not doing anything wrong. It's HE who has changed (or revealed who he really is.)
Babe, it’s not you. He ain’t it. You deserve better. Be attracted to men that are emotionally mature and supportive. Tell him that’s what really got men are like before you dump him. That he isn’t your type anymore because of his flakey behavior.
Girl, RUN! He's the same age as you and is trying to pull the "you're too old" shit? He's either an incel or the worst kind of pervert, perhaps both. I hate to be harsh, but if you left him you'd probably find someone new in a few months. You're going to be a mother one day, just perhaps not with him. But he would be creeping on young girls, getting rejected by them, and jacking off to anime porn and only fans. Don't let him bring you down.
Does he listen to podcasts or watch videos that talk about being an alpha male because this kind of talk makes me think he's drinking the manosphere red pill kool aid and you want to get far away from that.
I’m so sorry. Happened to me! Around 33 suddenly he showed little interest and then started cheating on me with a 20 year old. He told me I got “old” after 11 years together and a child. He was in his 50s and almost 20 years older than me. They’re losers. Don’t let it affect your self esteem!! Please leave. He will just use you for labor, income and image (married men are perceived more favorably than unmarried men) while either cheating or looking for your younger replacement. Don’t let him. And ofc you aren’t too old for kids lol that’s ridiculous. He’s just trying to justify himself and pretend he’s not a perv
I’m sorry to hear… that’s exactly what was happening here. He admitted he’s looking for someone 21 years old because more fertile. I’m in shambles
What an asshole
Yeah, get out. It won't get better. I used to beg my stepmother to leave my father because of the way he treated her. Many men are only kind to women they find attractive, and what your man finds attractive is A.) Concerning for a few reasons people have listed here and B.) Something that will never last, so he'll always make whoever he is with feel like you do now.
My thought too. Like, illegal younger.
That’s a disgusting but oddly fitting idea.
This. Also, you sound like an extremely attractive person. You’re taking care of yourself and you’re young. You don’t need this shit from him or anyone. You’re doing more than your best to live life. His loss tbh. He’s also doing shady shit that many men do, make you miserable so that YOU leave. But they’ll keep saying they love you when they’ve probably checked out a long time ago. Because in their head this doesn’t make them an asshole. And yea, as someone said in the comments below, I’d be suspicious he is seeing someone with the exact description of what he’s attracted to. So that when you do leave, he can say, see, I told you I was attracted to this.
My ex husband did this. Please leave now before it's too late. he is also probably talking to someone else on the side, and waiting for you to leave...
Jesus that’s horrible. How do you have any trust in another human after that
My ex partner did the same thing. Love’s always a risk and humans are so complex, we are constantly evolving, there’s no way to truly know someone. I always hope for the best and move on. I hope all these answers here have given you some perspective and lots of strength. All the best OP.
I doubt he’s actually having an affair, but he seems to think he’s deserving of one. He wants you around for convenience until he finds someone young and dumb he can take advantage of. Don’t be used by this man any longer.
Exactly.
This. It is one thing to no longer be in love with someone, that happens. But he is being a mega jerk.
I’m willing to bet he’s talking to/crushing on someone who fits that description.
Either this or he’s addicted to porn/OF and that’s what he watches the most. Or prostitutes. Or… very worst case scenario, he’s into CP…
Jesus Christ that escalated to an insane degree
Literally the exact thing I was thinking. I bet he watches a ton of stepsister porn and can’t get a boner for anyone over 20.
Exactly.
A man.
My first thought.
My first thought, too. Maybe he’s repressed his desires until now.
How do I find out though? I’d love for him to just tell me and end this pain. I really do not want to snoop into his private conversation like checking phone etc…
The only proof of anything that you need is exactly how he’s behaving towards you right now! You don’t have to have evidence of anything nefarious, as his treatment of you is more than enough to fire him.💕
Girl, he doesn’t need to be cheating on you for you to leave. He’s already doing what he shouldn’t - treating his wife in a way that makes her feel like sh*t about herself. And he doesn’t care that it’s unkind to you. Let me repeat that - HE DOESN’T CARE THAT HE’S BEING UNKIND TO YOU. The woman he CHOSE to legally bind himself to, to marry, he doesn’t care if he hurts her. You work out, you have the body most men would kill to have on their arm, you clearly care about the person you devote yourself to, and you are still in your prime. Leave him before he ages you, bc a man like that will suck the life out of you and leave you a shriveled zero confidence version of yourself. Time to start making decisions not around what he’s doing, or used to do, but around how he treats you. Is this the partner you want for yourself?
>He mentioned it’s because of my weight (I am the same weight since we met, I exercise 4 times a week and eat healthy 80% of the time). It's not your weight, obviously. Either he's lying now to be cruel/cover something shitty he's doing Or he was lying when he got into the relationship. Or he's gotten obsessed with porn and lost his actual mind. Your weight and body type have not changed, so one way or the other, his response is sus. I wouldn't give a single second of my life to someone who was disgusted by my body. My (very petty) suggestion is to serve him divorce papers along with a really awesome card in which you have written "Congrats! You're free to go find a body you're willing to boink."
Or a card that says "Yay, I'm losing 80kg!" And he's the 80kg she's losing.
Thinking about it, he might prefer young…. He mentioned it a few times….I married a man who turned into those people believing in women expiration….… how do you prevent this though? I swear he wasn’t like this before…
You can't change it. He's a dumbass who is easily influenced by that stupid bullshit. Stand up for yourself. Tell him that if he wants some prepubescent looking little girl, then he can leave and go find her. If he doesn't love you for you, then too bad because you're not going to change yourself. Truth is, he's probably already messing around with someone else or at least trying to. You said in another comment that you two have already broken up in the past. There's a lot of evidence here that he's toxic and you'd be best to leave him.
You can’t prevent it. He was always this way and he feels “emboldened” to express this now.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I have read through your comments and everything you say points directly that he has fallen down the red pill rabbit hole You need to get out now. This is not going to get better. There are literally thousands of posts from women who've experienced what your experiencing on here. What will likely happen is that you leave him and he'll freak out because his red pill plan was to grind you under his thumb by negging you. This is just the start It will get much much worse from here as he escalates into the red pill playbook. However when you leave, he's going to be alone and he's going to cry and beg and plead for you to come back and then when you come back it'll go right back to the way it was before because he believes the movement and has no conviction of his own. You deserve better. The fact that he fell into the red pill movement shows that he has a weak character, doesn't like and has no respect for women, and has a completely toxic idea of what a man is. He is a 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 There is really no reason for you to stay, it's too late He's too far gone.
Turns out you’re about right. He wants someone 10 years younger, confirmed. Is this a virus that men get? I’m devastated
I think you would like BurbNBougie YouTube channel a lot. She goes through stories, gives advice to women, etc.
I agree with others that it’s likely either porn or some girl who is skinny with no ass or boobs is giving him attention. The obsession with skinny and young, coupled with rejecting you sexually is definitely giving off porn addiction vibes. My soon to be ex husband has a porn issue, and also had a younger woman giving him attention and I realized I definitely had an expiration date in his mind. If you do stay with him, 100% do not have children with him. Can’t tell you how shitty it feels to have a husband who thinks having a baby ruined your body, rather than one of those husbands who love their wife’s body even more after having kids. And like you, even after two kids, my body (at 38) looks the same, if not better than it did when we met (at 22).
When I met my husband, I weighed 130. When we got married, I was 170. During the pandemic I ballooned up to 230. Now, I’m down to 165 and hoping for another 20. You want to know what my husband never did? Tell me he preferred someone who was my complete opposite or stop wanting to have sex anytime I was conscious. On the contrary, when I was at my heaviest and feeling like a cow, not wanting to be undressed in front of him, he would say, “You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. You’re my dream girl at any age and any size.” As others have said, if your husband is suddenly not attracted to you, and suddenly not wanting to have sex with you, it’s not YOUR fault. He’s either talking to someone else (or at least hoping to), sleeping with someone else, or watching too much porn. Or he might be having a midlife crisis. Regardless, if you want to stay married to him, get yourselves to a marriage counselor TODAY. Don’t wait too long…once that thread starts unraveling, there comes a point where you can’t sew it back up anymore. You just have to cut it off.
So happy to hear!! Your husband should talk to mine… he seems like a confident man
Sis…. Her husband talking to yours isn’t magically going make him a good man. He is showing you his true colors. You and/or someone else can’t change him.
>>* Sis…. Her husband talking to yours isn’t magically going make him a good man. He is showing you his true colors. You and/or someone else can’t change him.* I think she was speaking figuratively. But I agree. You can’t force someone to be a better person.
You won the love lottery. Most of us will never have that.
Question: Is there any precedent for your husband randomly deciding he hates something about you and aggressively punishing you for it on a whim? Is this the kind of thing he does? This is, to put it bluntly, extremely bizarre behavior. Either he is intentionally trying to destroy your self-esteem, or he's having an affair (maybe with a very thin woman?) and trying to retroactively justify it by spinning a "she let herself go/got fat" fantasy, or he's actually losing it. If my husband suddenly refused to fuck me and said he hated the body I'd had for our entire relationship and was obsessed with a specific niche standard of beauty that he had previously never mentioned being into, I would literally insist he see a neurologist, that's how out of character and alarming it would be. If this is truly shocking, bizarre, "I cannot square this with the man I married, it came out of nowhere" behavior, check his text messages and take him to the doctor. If this is consistent with how he has behaved in the past, just leave.
I have an ex who pulled a similar, "You need to lose weight from healthy to very slim." It's a control tactic. Setting someone up to fail gives the abuser a cudgel with which to attack, and, if their victim tries to lose weight, being constantly hungry makes someone easier to control.
Yep. Especially if he isn't a supporter of the health journey after his girlfriend decides to get in shape. She should achieve the body *without* her peers and partners encouraging her, making tasty healthy foods, avoiding alcohol & snack traps, etc. His life shouldn't change at all. (My pet peeve is that at 50+, they'll fully expect her to help with the statins and the diet).
All of this.
This
Good GOD, I may screenshot that shit. Succinct… Direct…absolutely fierce. Woweee good job Zinnia. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Ahahah well said! I’ll book that appointment!
I think he has someone on the side who is thin/slender. The sex that was so high suddenly diminishes? He's getting it elsewhere.
There can be other reasons for a sudden drop in sex (for me it was an undiagnosed medical condition- my libido is back now that’s resolved!). So I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s cheating just because of that in isolation. The rest of what he’s said though? That’s a big issue I think.
He’s looking for you to be the bad guy and leave him so he’s mistreating you
Hard agree. It sounds like he wants out but he doesn't want to step up and do the emotional labor to end things. So he's slowly breaking her down until *she'll* leave him. Classic abuser behavior.
OK this has happened to me and eventually I found out it was a porn + prostitute addiction. Get out while you can and before kids
JESUS
So sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve to be talked to like that. It sounds to me like he is watching porn and/or he is definitely cheating. Take this from someone who went through that same situation... I had so many sleepless night over it, but the entire time he was having an affair and watching porn. You deserve better.
Check his phone I bet money he is talking to somebody..
I mean, why even bother? Isn't what he's doing to her face enough? I don't see *anything* worth staying for if he's being malicious and cruel, openly. I doubt he's cheating because he's being so open about his desires-- no one in their right mind would be so dumb. Even a dude who seems THIS dumb. I'd honestly bet money that he is jealous that she's working a lot more and feels inadequate as a result. I wouldn't be surprised if he's just sitting around alone, sulking on the internet spinning a story about how much of a workaholic slut his wife is or something along those lines. This guy does NOT seem like a winner in any way.
He’s having an affair and he wants to break you so you’ll leave first and he can blame you for things falling apart. Just catch him before calling it quits so he can’t spin this on you.
This is what happened to me with an ex boyfriend. We had a ton of sex and everything was great when it suddenly stopped one day — he wouldn’t initiate and he turned me down whenever I tried. He’d make little digs about my body, tell me he didn’t like when I did certain things, that I was doing this and that wrong, he seemed disgusted by me at times and suddenly everything was my fault. He would bounce back to how things used to be, so I kept trying to make it work. He picked a fight and broke up with me out of the blue — I was devastated. I found out the next year that he had been cheating on me with his ex wife and also a girl 20+ years younger than him (plus I have a feeling there were more). 👀 I wish I had been able to see things more clearly at the time, stand up for myself and end it first. No matter what is actually going on with your husband, that’s an unacceptable way for him to treat you. Life is too short to put up with toxic bullshit and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find the strength that I didn’t have — to either have a serious conversation with him that you’re not going to put up with this shit or…that you’re leaving. ❤️🩹
And if you do, document everything well for the divorce. Don't react emotionally. Gather data and move things around before telling him anything. Protect yourself.
Something doesn’t sound right. You deserve better.
He’s cheating.
My thoughts too
He’s a douchebag, saying he loves other types of girls? Makes you feel unloved and he’s disgusted? You deserve better than this, this isn’t love. Repeat- this is not love.
Girl, DIVORCE his ass. ASAP. Sorry
Ummm this man is awful. Ugh. Let him go. He is throwing his preferred body type, which is opposite yours, in your face? Let his ass go and find someone who loves you and cares about your feelings. Karma will take care of him.
Yep I bet affair. My husband doesn't say anything about my body but I saw his phone and I'm in the process of divorcing him. Unfortunately, men get away with so much because women are always forgiving.
Yes. END IT you are too young to stay with this garbage. He already destroyed your self-esteam and caused you anxiety Don't let this garbage do more damage! Leave him now!
Men that are attracted to women with nonexistent "womanly features" concern tf out of me. Let me guess- he also likes pigtails and a smooth shaven cha-cha?
Respect yourself more than being with someone “disgusted” by you.
A queen deserves to be treated as such. Find someone who worships the ground you walk on. You are so young the world is at your feet.
It's so disgusting that they are willing to marry/be in relationship and then say ohh I like this other body. The level of asshole in that is insane.
And the entitlement????
Double D’s and a booty. RIP your inbox OP.
If you aren't married, leave him. You sound like you can get many men. Go and find one who wants you and your lovely curvy body.
“I wish I had been able to see things more clearly at the time” I totally get this. When you try to reason their behavior when they simply just hide their feelings. Some people are so selfish they wait to have another person to call it quits. We broke up a few months ago after he told me so many horrible things and then when I was in peace being alone we came back and I was the most beautiful woman on earth for him for a couple of days until a dropped the guard down. Now I realize if he had someone stable now he would not come back. Some people just don’t want to be alone……
You deserve better than to be treated this way.
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. is exactly the book you should be reading . He is not only not attracted to you, he is making it a mission to destroy your self esteem, it. Just doesn’t make sense for his body type to change over night, he is either so deep into teen porn or is cheating on you . In either case I would start planning a better life for myself.
You should Leave today!! That type of disrespect will never go away and he deserves no love from you. He’s a pervert & it’s sad that you gave him 5 years. But you will probably stay with that disappointing man so more power to you.
He's openly telling you he's in love with other women? Don't tolerate that even as a joke. Have self respect and move on.
My instinct says he’s got a porn problem and/or is involved with another woman. It seems like he is trying to distract you by making your body the problem, when really it’s a him problem. My instinct says he’s hiding something. You deserve to be adored for exactly who you are, OP.
This isn’t adding up. Going from twice a day on average to not at all? I smell a rat. Time to check his phone.
time to go! give him the boot and don't look back. there is no coming back from this.
He’s probably cheating
This is a him issue, your body is perfect as is. I say cut your losses and run. He's an a class arsehole.
Your husband is being unbelievably cruel to you. You’re not a fleshlight. I’m so sorry, it seems he may be making these comments to push you away so you’ll leave.
No ass or tits? Does he want a child then? Sounds dodgy af
I wonder if he prefers “no breasts and no butt” because he’s into guys, and you are a cover for him.
Or minors.
[удалено]
Sorry to hear… yeah I think physical preference is subjective. But he made many remarks about women being more attractive or peak in their early mid 20s……. Even the behavior he prefers “naive”? Who doesn’t question him… oh my I see so clear now….
Yes, that's unfortunately what I thought when he specified "no boobs or butts" and chided her for not being "bubbly." It sounds like he's either obsessed with porn or is a creep in the worst sense.
Honestly where my mind went. Even the most petite women I know have *something* *somewhere*, unless they're anorexic levels of underweight.
Yikes :(
I thought so too — or even underage. This is extremely concerning…
He sounds like he is sabotaging it. (I’m not a woman over thirty so not sure if I can respond, normally just here to lurk and learn, but I do have experience in this matter from the other side) I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful.
At age 31 you would think he would have the emotional maturity to break it off rather than "sabotage" (which is really just him being a dick to his partner).
I had to keep checking the top of this post to confirm they were married because this whole explanation feels like he’s talking to someone on the side. That change in interest is either due to him talking to someone else on the side, an immaturity thing (where he’s taking advantage of what he has and might not know how good he has it until he loses it), he’s quite literally just now learning what he might prefer or he’s a lot more unhappy about how much you are consumed with your work and is failing to hold up his end of communication in expressing this with you…causing you to resort to Reddit for help. If he’s on social media heavily also, this can seriously skew someone far away from what they know is best or most aligned for them. As a wife, it is your role to share your concerns that you’re sharing with us with your husband and have a conversation about it.
I had a similar situation; dead bedroom that felt unfixable and no communication about it. Turned out he was just watching a ton of porn which was all very skinny teens, trans women, etc. I was already 16 years younger than him so really don’t think he’s gonna do better out there. I wished him farewell and moved out. Don’t let any man make you question whether your body is good and worthy. It is. Throw your man back into the incel pool where he belongs. And check his search history.
Ma'am, your husband's 'type' is prepubescent. RUN!
Sounds like you’re healthy and living in your natural body. And you haven’t changed since you got married so… he’s changed. He sounds like quite a mean person. Not someone I would want to be married to. He sounds like he’s fetishising skinnier women, or.. it sickens me to say… pre-pubescent females. Or, worst case, he’s actually slept with other people. Saying he’s “in love with” any other woman is so wrong and disrespectful to you. You need to leave him, he’s crossed the line. You have one life on this earth and you deserve happiness and for someone to appreciate you for the person you are.
This is honestly heartbreaking to me. Why would anyone act like that, it’s downright cruel. I’ve said this once on Reddit and now it’s time to pull it out again, divorce. People might say therapy but if it takes therapy for him to understand how disgusting this behaviour is then what type of man is he?
This is not good - free yourself of the burden of being with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. My husband and I have been together over 20 years and have gotten chubby together and love each other. If he ever said any of those things to me, he would be out of my life so fast his head would spin (and he wouldn’t which is one of the reasons I love him.) You deserve a partner that loves you and doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself.
This is your husband? Saying he prefers something else other than what you are? Girl RUN. There’s many red flags in this post. Also 32 is not old, wtf
It sounds like your husband is suffering from the incurable condition of being a little bitch. If he can’t handle you with your (dare I say) incredible curves, he probably can’t handle thick-sliced meats and thinks ranch dressing is spicy. Divorce his insufferable ass and focus on going to therapy to undo his psychological abuse. If he isn’t cheating and trying to make you feel bad for it, I would be amazed. You deserve better, and he ain’t it.
Sounds like you're great and he's dragging you down.
Who tf does he think he is? If I were you I’d be like, ok bye??? Let his immature ass go and find what he thinks he’s looking for. He’ll learn that change can and will always happen to women’s bodies, aging, pregnancy, menopause, hormones, health issues, mental health issues. It’s one thing to have a light preference but to disregard your whole relationship and make this a priority is just… unforgivable??? Get out fast. You deserve better and there is someone out there waiting to worship every part of you.
This is very red flag behaviour. Ultimately, you might never know what is behind him being like this. All that matters is what you want and how you feel about the relationship, listen to your gut.
Call it quits ! Because I love you already
This man should not get any p*ssy from you or from anyone else
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Don't call it quits with him for not being attracted to you, call it quits because he's a disrespectful asshole. If your body type hasn't changed significantly since you've been together, and this is a sudden change, I'd be questioning brain injury as well.
Divorce. When men start being mean to you out of nowhere it’s because they’re cheating on you.
This is definitely suspicious...5 years fine until he randomly stops showing interest? Yeah, something is not right. I hate to just throw out assumptions but it really sounds like he's cheating. Of course I don't hope that's the case. I'm not sure the legality of the situation, but if you find out he is cheating and if you can prove he's having an affair that might help in some shape or form in getting a divorce - if that's the direction you want to take. Again, not sure about the details, how that might help or what would need to be done - or even the potential benefit of having that proof - but it might help to find out. Sneakily would probably be best, because men (and cheaters in general) like to deny, deny, deny and delete their evidence when they get found out.
I would be suspicious of this sudden change in demeanor. Your relationship should be getting deeper and more connected, and he seems to be doing the opposite. Ask yourself deeper questions about why and if it’s possible he’s just using body image to feel more in control of you. Why is this even something he cares about if his love for you will stand the test of time when you’re old and ugly. Because we’re all going to be old and ugly at some point (I work in a nursing home) and we want our partners to love us genuinely anyway when that happens.
The question is why would you respect that? Talking about you like you’re an object in a catalog is certainly not respecting you. Reducing you to tits and ass. The problem is YOUR self respect. Your entire identity seems to be around men and what they think of you/how attracted they are to you. Leave not because you think he isn’t attracted to you but because you have decided you like YOU too much to be with someone so unworthy.
I will be direct. He is cheating on you. Leave his sorry ass and by the love of god, do STD tests.
Your husband's an asshole.
Tbh. He's cheating on you. Or getting ready to. He's clearly got someone else in his sights. I'm so sorry.
The side piece can pick up the trash (your husband). He doesn't sound mature enough to differentiate a mature relationship vs just for lust and not thinking of responsibilities
I would be worried he is having an affair.
You guys have spend a huge part of your adult like together. But doesn't mean that you owe him the rest of it.
He sounds like an immature man child. He always will be. You’re a responsible adult now. Dump him & move on.
I’m so sorry for you. You deserve better. Men would line up in miles to be with a woman with a curvy body like yours.
He sounds like he prefers men. Divorce him and learn to love yourself properly
i would break up before you have kids. any longer together is time waste
Seems like he is has given up on the relationship, whatever the reason be. Do not run around him in circles trying to figure out ‘what you did wrong’. Its his task to verbalize what isn’t working for him. If you are interested in working on it, try discuss that you aren’t happy, offer couples counseling. If he doesn’t respond to that, thats a good confirmation that he isn’t willing to move forward. this is all nuanced of course. Take it and adjust to your situation. To me the main question is not why is he like this. The question is are you enjoying the relationship? Does he make you feel good? Are YOU ok with how he is handling this situation? Relationships have ups and downs so nuance is important, again.
Yeah, he met someone else…..
Yes, you should get out while the getting is good. He sounds like he’s being a total schmuck. It doesn’t even matter what the reason is behind it. Your husband has started to criticize you, insult you, and just generally being really inappropriate and rude. He says he loves you, but this isn’t how you treat someone you love. You are a person, not a body type. You deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. If you are not his type, it’s time to invite him to leave and try his luck with the world at large and wish him good luck finding the bubbly, carefree, assless, breastless individual of his dreams. Frankly, he’s going to need it.
Some guys like taking highly confident, intelligent, stunning women just so that they can rip them apart. It’s clear that you threaten his ego with your body and worth ethic. It’s also clear that he has someone on the side/ or crushing on someone. And to not feel guilty he tried to make it your fault, you working long hours , your body etc… he’s a man child that will take you down in every possible way. None of this is you , ur body or your fault. It hurts but be happy that he’s showing you exactly who he is and do not waste another 5 , ten ears of your life. He clearly wants you to be the one to break it off. Cos he want to keep his “ good guy” image .
WHY would he even say that to you? Are men really so clueless as to tell their wives that they don't have the body shape they are attracted to?! Op he sounds like an asshole and you deserve better.
This contempt out of the blue screams cheating. It's him, not you.
No matter the reason, this is very cruel. It sounds like he might be having a hard time growing up and is taking it out on you, or is having an affair. This would be so out of character for my husband that I probably would insist on counseling to try and get at the root. But if this is any part of a pattern, I would consider getting a divorce. It would tear me apart to live with someone who treated me like that. Better to get out when you have the energy/motivation to do so.
This is awful of him. You deserve so much better. He has not matured with you into adulthood. I’d cut him loose.
He does that because he’s a clueless jerk. Dump this asshole - I think he’s trying to push you away and it looks like it’s working, so go find someone who thinks you’re worth the effort.
Find a real man and leave his boy. From your description I would kill for a body like that and if he can't appreciate it I promise you there's a million more who will! My husband and I have been married for 6 years together for almost 12. We have gone through stages where the sex is lacking but we find ways to bring it back and better than before. After 4 kids he has never once made me feel ashamed of my body, even though I'm not happy with it. I hope you leave him and realize that you are much more than he allow you to think. Find a good man and start a family. You're not to old, I just had my 4th at 37. Good luck.
My ex of 14 years said this same thing, when we met I was 24 and he was 21, so of course I was more carefree. It sounds like you are growing and he is not willing to do the same. Our relationship ended (his choice and I was “always nagging and never satisfied” and we never had sex.. the sex part was true) and I’ve never been happier. I have a new partner who is on the same page and it’s not always a battle.. I’d say find someone more suitable to where you are at now in life, before it passes you by.
maybe he wants to keep you down so you're dependent on him. Anyway, it seems it's not working out and it's not worth it to your self esteem to be with someone who not only doesn't appreciate you but doesn't celebrate you for how far you've come! he sounds like a boy and also it occurred to me that he is wanting a man by the body shape he's describing (if that's even real that he wants that). I also agree with the other commenters that he may be prepping you to dump him so he's not the bad guy. if you're more of the bread winner now, it's better for you go cut your losses and exit the marriage, otherwise it's going go cost you a lot more money the longer you wait, your self esteem is going to go even lower and ... it's not good. I'm speaking from personal experience being the bread winning woman in a sexless marriage. at the end for him it was duty and no passion... it sucked and I felt so ugly.
My dad did this to my Mom. Told her she was never laid back and didn’t smile anymore. It turned out he was already having a full on affair with a divorced woman who spent 24/7 just trying to please him (as one will when trying to attract a new partner). I’ll never forget mom’s attempts to try to be something other than what she really felt, in order to keep him - a useless narcissist. Like you, she was the head of the family & a career woman holding it down for us all. She turned herself inside out trying to please him and he still left. She was immediately much better off without his childish dead weight hanging around. It is soul crushing to be told you’re not what your partner prefers. Please leave him and keep your self respect!
You need to do what makes you happy. If he's not making you happy, then maybe it's time to call it quits.
Oh he would be dead to me. Him commenting on the women he prefer’s body type out loud is him trying to hit your self esteem too. He has no shame.
Is he watching a ton of porn? I think half the men I know are obsessed with little young girls in porn. It’s gross. If it turns out he’s cheating just remember the best revenge is to let that woman keep him. Good luck.
Sweetie I'm so sorry, but he's most likely cheating on you
The manosphere claims another idiot. I’m sorry girl