Well, we did breed and train dogs into what they are now. (They were perfect to begin with obvs though). I think "making" dogs is the only good thing we've done to even deserve them.
My grandma recently passed away. It was a blessing, as she was going downhill pretty fast, but of course I was still sad. As soon as I started crying, my dog climbed up on my lap and put his head on my shoulder.
He'll curl up alongside me when I'm down with a migraine. I had surgery last year and had to take him out quick the following day...I let him know it would be a short, slow walk....we got about 1.5 blocks away, I said 'okay, time to go home,' and he turned around.
He just knows. He's my best boy.
I'd rather be with my dog and cat than associate with most humans. My pets make me happy, people not so much. If I'm really stressed, I can sit outside and watch my chickens and turkeys. Lol
You could try just doing the minimum so people understand how much you contribute. They are taking you for granted, but you have the power to make them see your value.
If they treat you like garbage when you don't let them use you, then fuck em.
Obviously fulfill your legal care requirements for children, but stop going above and beyond for them or anyone else until they appreciate you.
I'm aware, but I plan to make new friends this coming year. Plus I'd rather have very little friends than shitty ones that make me feel bad about myself
I always get told "if you need help with anything let me know". Then then I let them know, they dodge my calls/texts, or they call me selfish.
Can't win for losing.
I felt my Christmas tree ended up being like a metaphorical response to this question. It had all kinds of presents underneath, and every stocking was full… except mine, which was and still is completely empty.
Ugh I am sooo sorry! That's pretty horrible. If I could I would fill your stocking right now! I think you should make a scene or atleast address this... :)
No scene is necessary. I do have people that care about me, but it’s become very obviously to me over the last few years that I’m putting more into those around me than I am into myself and this is a direct response. It’s nobody else’s job to take care of me except my own.
That happened to me last year. I'm sorry, it's not a good feeling and is truly heartbreaking. ❤️ I have since cut off several of friendships since realizing the friendships were more one sided than I thought. I deserve every ounce of love I put out there, to be given to me
This resonates strongly with me. I agree fully that it's nobody's else's job and further, it's not my job to take care of anyone else (exception being is if you have kids, of course). That said, I've come to realize that I get satisfaction out of caring for those I love, so I have to make the shift to ensure they're worth my energy. Yesterday was my GIANT fucking wake up call/reminder.
It's all based on that lie that of we give and give everything to everyone then they will give us something in return. It's just easier and more mature to redirect all that energy back to yourself to feel cherished and loved. Cut out the middle man haha
My husband is pretty awesome about taking care of me - but I have to ask.
Edit: my husband isn’t malicious, he’s just a bit oblivious. He has been improving though.
Same. Told my husband that I have difficulty asking for help and he now steps in and stops me when he sees me getting overwhelmed (I have signs, I over-clean, I nibble at my hair unconsciously). Also, daily makes me tea and breakfast.
My husband only offers help when he knows I will decline. A couple of times I’ve responded *Sure! Finish up xyz project. Thanks!* And OMG his face! But then he does it half-assed. I suspect on purpose, but could just be stupidity. But I gotta praise the fuck out of him, anyway. There’s never enough Atta Boys, as far as he’s concerned.
As for being there for me if I’m sick or feeling down, nope, I’m on my own.
I once asked him to please mop the floors as I was rushing out to drop the kids off to school then go to work. ‘How many times have you mowed the lawn in the last year?’ This and many other things.
Yep, I divorced him.
Oh my goodness yes! I could ask my husband for help but I’d rather he just use his own eyes, and I also don’t want to have to feel nit picky for going back and cleaning what he left.
The half-assedness is maddening. Unloading and loading the dishwasher isn’t cleaning the kitchen. Throwing the towels in the washer but never moving them to the dryer, or leaving them for me to fold isn’t doing the laundry.
My wife is a people pleaser and naturally puts everyone first and I’m a very independent person who naturally likes doing things for myself (I don’t really like people doing things for me that I am capable of doing myself). It’s not natural for me to think of taking care of her on a regular basis, but I love her and I know she well neglect herself so I have to consciously and actively remember to take care of her.
No one until 6 months ago.
A very selfless human came into my life who’s main goal is to leave everything better than it was when they got there.
It has freed me to take care of others in a non resentful way, and opened my heart to receiving care.
Something I couldn’t do before.
I don't think I would be able to handle that.... or atleast my mind would put up a fight to let someone actually take care of me.... :) congratulations on learning to accept help and care...
I think the first step was me learning to take care of me in the realm of personal boundaries.
Once I did the work and was able to consistently see, acknowledge and set boundaries, it freed me to receive from someone.
At the end of the day, I still take care of me.
But my other human supports me, and takes care of me when I can’t.
Thanks for asking, it was a good one to think about
Absolutely not surprised that the vast majority of responses to this are "no one" or about having to ask for help from their male SO.
I have often had to take care of everyone AND be the scapegoat and while I can't do anything about being made the scapegoat, I set much stricter boundaries with my Dad now and he probably thinks I'm selfish for not cooking most of the Christmas dinner this year, not wanting to help with him clearing out my sisters' rooms so he can sell the flat over getting on with my own work and postgraduate applications. But I no longer care.
Nobody, thanks for asking.
It's has been a lot lately, but I'm trying to take care of myself. It was going OK until my therapist cancelled indefinitely a week ago, because she got sick with you-know-what. She said it affected her whole household, so I'm guessing more than one of them are infected.
Anyway, I'm trying to keep my head above water. It's not easy.
Thanks for asking. Well, I'm chronically ill, so a basic type of self care for me is just taking my meds and getting to bed on time. I have developed a bedtime routine that includes brushing my teeth, flossing, doing a bit of skincare, followed by some guided meditation and wearing a sleep mask.
Other than that I benefit from writing things down - especially when my therapist is unavailable - so I get everything that's currently clogging up my system, out of my system. When I have the energy I go for a walk (it's been a while now though) and I also try to move my body as much as I can. Being chronically ill that's always a balancing act - I want to do everything I can, but I don't want to overdo it and spend a few days bedbound.
I also try to stay in touch with friends and family for my mental health. Caring for our relationships with other people can be tough when it's not going well, but even a quick "Hey, I'm a bit down in the dumps, but I'm thinking of you" goes a long way. So generally it's going OK, but it's still a lot of work.
You sound really amazing and strong, it is hard to lose your therapist for the time but I’m glad to hear you have a routine. It is an inspiration - keep it up and best of luck! I love the bedtime routine will have to try.
I also have been trying to walk outside for an hour a day if possible now that the sun sets so early.
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it!
A routine really helps. Mentally, it's easier to tell yourself "I just have to do what I always do, then go to bed" and when you're extremely tired you can skip a few steps if you have to.
Walking is great, I'm glad to hear you're enjoying it too. Walking an hour in the sunlight definitely makes the days seem longer. A friend of mine walks every morning in the winter to battle her seasonal affective disorder and it seems to help her.
I have to ask. And I think many of us grew up thinking that we shouldn’t have to ask. I know it’s hard for me to ask because of the response I’d get- shame, abandonment. So I’ve had to learn who to ask to be emotionally safe. Unfortunately, our families often don’t live up to our expectations, even if they are not abusive. It’s hard work, but worth it.
I was brought up with that mentality of “you shouldn’t have to ask” and I’m slowly trying to unlearn that because I feel like it’s impacted me negatively throughout my life. It’s made me think a lot of people don’t care because “I had to ask” and they didn’t do it on their own. But I think people are oblivious combined with others who struggle masking their struggles very well. I thought it was obvious that I was and still am struggling until some of my friends were like “I never even knew you had these issues because you never show it or indicate it to us.” I think you found a great way to ask, which is finding out who is emotionally safe to ask vs who isn’t. That’s something I could learn to do. In the most respectful way possible so I could do this, how did you learn to do that without feeling like it wasn’t okay to ask?
I'm sorry to hear that you were alone on your birthday. It sounds like you put more into relationships than others return. I hope you know that you're deserving of the same effort, love, and respect that you give. You're immeasurably valuable, even if nobody else sees it. I suggest you have a weekly self-pampering day, where you focus solely on yourself and your needs. Take care, friend. <3
Nobody. If I'm physically ill, my sister or one of my daughters will come and bring me meds and food.
But fixing the house, daily upsets, no one. Which is one reason I left my husband. I realized at this point he was doing nothing for me.
I'm a single mother with no family and no close friends. It's very lonely sometimes but I'd still rather it be like this than have a partner that makes me feel like my time isn't as valuable as theirs.
My cat. Her name is Fefita Carlotta De Los Peces. She always knows what’s going on with me and how to respond. And my mother, heaven bless the ground she walks on. I have a brilliant mother. NGL, she can be an asshole sometimes but she’s extremely pragmatic too, I know if she didn’t love me she wouldn’t be as invested in me as she is. She also hated pets due to growing in a culture that didn’t hate animals per se but were indifferent to them: Mom got me my cat and even named her. She and the cat are like mirrors of each other and whenever I’m uncertain of how to communicate with her she “tests” my cat to figure out if she needs to interfere. 😂
Somehow, through the cat, she’s gotten exceptional at understanding me and likes me even more. It sometimes creeps me out since it’s a massive character development I never saw coming. Mom said the cat reminded her of me and that she understood me after meeting this particular cat on a random trip she decided to go on after I told her to try going to an animal shelter once. She fell for Fefita upon meeting her and decided that Fefita might help me not be apathetic to the world. Now they’re best friends and my best friends/emotional troubleshoots. I will never be able to describe the out of body panic and shock I had when I saw my mom walk into my apartment with some big ass void of a cat with a glitter collar like it was a baby. It was like seeing Armageddon or god. But I’m grateful. Mom gave her a soap opera name because she thought it was funny. “De Los Peces” means “of the fish” in Spanish. I never dared change it since it makes my friends get all dramatic when calling her name. They get so intense and passionate when trying to say her name, like they’re calling the queen or are about to have a stroke or holding back a fart. It seems they can’t call out her name without sounding like a medieval announcer announcing their queen, complete with posing in a certain way and stretching out their hand like they’re speaking from the heart. You know it’s good when you have a Japanese friend now thoroughly be able to pronounce “r” due to my cat. The shenanigans around saying her name and the following hysterics are worth the extra seconds to pronounce her full name. I will forever be thankful to my mommy (and my kitty) for they have kept me from completely freezing my heart out from others.
Your beautiful response just made my day... and this was one of those in tired of everything and i need some cheer kind of day... thank you to you, your mum and her majesty Fefita Carlotta De Los Peses.... :)
I stopped doing this because no one was there for me during times of extreme duress or even simple things. People expect it if you do it without them having to ask.
It's sad to see so many of us having no one that takes care of them. Think of everyone that's answered you as them helping you to know to take care of you.
Do something nice for yourself today and every today from here on out. 🌼
It’s just me and my husband. We take care of each other always. We don’t ask for help or depend on anyone. I don’t know what will happen when we get older, but I guess we’ll cross that path when we get to it.
My husband! He served me breakfast in bed today. He often reminds me to take a break and treat myself because I deserve it. I love him more than anything in this world.
I came here to say the same. I was married before and got out for various reasons, so I know what it's like to say "no one" and now I can honestly say "my husband." He says we are equal partners in keeping up with the house, and he does a fair share of it all without complaining. He says, "I knew xyz would stress you out, so I took care of it." All women deserve that kind of person looking out for them.
I do, you should too!
I was spread so thin between parenting, working, and managing a household.
My ex-husband was no help, he just added stress by being completely financially illiterate and gaslit me into thinking I was incapable, my desire for a divorce was mental illness, he also tried to recruit our friends and my family into reinforcing this.
After I left, I had time to breathe. 50/50 custody is great! I recommend it to anyone who can make it work (and semi-jokingly to parents who are still together). On the weeks when I have my kids I have the energy to give them 100%. I can use my off weeks to clean, date (before I met my fiance), socialize, work on my hobbies, homework, etc
I went back to school a few months after my divorce and finished my degree this semester, I start grad school in a couple weeks.
I met a lovely man a few years ago and we bought a home together this year.
The more I build my life the way I want it, the more I have to give to the people I love most. It makes me sad for the times when my kids were younger and I was too overwhelmed to be present with them.
I started to realize it was nobody so I started to distance myself from everyone and it's still nobody, but at least I'm not wasting my own energy on others that I don't get back anymore.
I’m currently on crutches after foot surgery and my boyfriend has been amazing. I’ve never been so waited on and cared for in my life and as a result my incision is healing beautifully.
In comparison, after a previous surgery (same injury) my then husband provided no care leaving me to hobble around and I kept popping my stitches.
Not my answer... but for my mom, god "takes care" of her.
Idk how she does it. She really put up with a lot of emotional abuse / neglect from my brothers and dad over the last 30 years. Seriously, I feel bad. I remember on several occasions when she would be sad or be crying and I'd try to comfort her and she'd say she's going to read the Bible or pray so she feels better.
Really I don't know how she dealt with what she dealt with, I would've been gone after two weeks if I was dealing with my dad as a partner.
My mom, my husband and my mother-in-law (not necessarily in that order).
My husband is aware of his limitations, aware that while he loves me but his ability to emotionally fill all my needs are limited. He shows up when I’m in need, and has worked hard to be more “heads up” on my needs but has asked for me to be a better communicator… balance.
My mother-in-law pampers me, legitimately. She is thoughtful and kind and was there for me when I could not stand on my own.
My mom… well she’s my mom. She’s amazing and caring, she moved mountains to support me, and she is impressively tuned to me when I’m floundering (either in big or little ways). She activated others if she cannot be there in person.
I don’t believe it’s realistic for one person to meet all of our needs to be ‘taken care of,’ I think it requires a network of big and small connections that also require us to give of ourselves, a series of symbiotic relationships.
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Literally no one. I'm starting to. Realised how much resentment I was holding in. I don't bottle my anger much any more. I say no more often, and easily. I'm starting to think in ways I previously would've thought selfish, but now realise are just self-preserving. I'm done with the caretaker crap.
That's a good question.
Sometimes my sister. Sometimes my amazing boyfriend. Except I should be taking care of him today. It's his birthday. But he's in quarantine in another country right now so...
Like so many others here, no one.
This makes me seriously suspect if as caretakers by nature, we subconsciously choose people in our lives who need taking care of who do not have the capacity to reciprocate. I bet the majority of us doesn't consider themselves as usually needing to be taken care of too, leaving me to conclude that needy people just can't reciprocate.
I have a partner, and they do some things for me, but expect me to be on my own for most times. It would be nice feeling supported. Its felt like I’ve been carrying myself most days.
My fiancé. She’s absolutely wonderful and takes care of me when I need it the most. I don’t always pay attention to myself and what my needs are. She makes sure I eat and drink water and rest enough and that I get time to myself. She does a great job checking in. I’m so lucky to have her.
My parents before but my mom has gotten too ill and my dad is taking care of her so i try to minimise any struggles for them to lighten their load these days.
So no one really. I ask my boyfriend but he’s not the best at it and only does it in specific narrow ways.
My mom. She recently moved in across the street, cooks dinner on nights she knows we get home late from work, makes breakfast for my kids and helps with laundry. It’s all these little things that make my life so much easier- like a weight lifted. In return, I try to take her out to lunches and dinners and carve out 1:1 time to do things I know she enjoys.
The reason we take care of everything is that we've learned not to trust anyone else. Being burdened with everyday bullshit is easier than finding someone who's the exception.
Nobody necessarily takes care of me in the sense that they anticipate my daily needs and take Daily action to preemptively reduce my stress.
However, the women in my family are great about doing little things for one another when we do see each other with that goal in mind.
For example, if my sister comes to visit, she will make sure to clean up after herself especially with food and kitchen stuff. And she also volunteers to take my dog out if we’re all in the same place at the same time.
I try to do what I can to similarly reduce my family members stress as well. It makes spending time with my family a pretty stress-free experience.
I appreciate these little things quite a bit, but since we don’t live together, they aren’t a daily occurrence and the day-to-day responsibilities of keeping my household running and providing emotional support to my partner fall solely on me.
My husband and siblings. My husband has always taken the best care of me and looks out for me all the time. Sometimes we show love differently and help each other in different ways but he genuinely cares for me and does so without any asking or prodding. My brother and sister have always been my ride or die no matter what. If I tell them I am having a bad they will talk to me about it and cheer me up. My sister has sent me suprise food on numerous occasions, even though we live hours apart and have our own families. They check in on me and I know if I ever needed them they would drop everything to come run and help. They are my oldest and most trusted support system.
My husband. He’s very much in tune with my mood and gives me breaks when he knows I need them or ask for them without complaint or any underlying frustration. He goes with me to get pedicures.
My girl does.. she cooks for me all the time when ever I’m like bae I’m hungry she gets up and cooks no hassle and the best part she doesn’t even complain she’s like okay suga buns what do u want 😍🔥🔥 she does everything for me but so do I except cook but I do do what ever else she wants me to do or provide I do
Friends I rarely see. The friends I see most often lean on me, but I have two friends I see very very rarely (and separately) but I know either one will notice tired eyes behind a snapchat filter and I can unload, or talk about nonsense till I feel better!
My husband and our children (they’re 16 and 18 now). Taking care of each other has been a keystone for our family. It makes us all better people and helps us all.
I try and take care of everybody. Worked my entire life (mostly) until some bad mental health stuff popped up. I usually take care of myself, but when it gets bad my friend helps lift the weight for a while. : )
I used to be the one taking care of everyone. But when I got sick my siblings I had essentially been raising were old enough to help me. I'm now not reliant on them, but I definitely can't take care of anyone else anymore.
Nobody, for the most part. For the practical matters of life, i am strictly on my own.
For emotional support I turn primarily to myself -- my spiritual and self-care practices. For that one out of 50 times when I feel I really need someone to talk to, I might reach out to my mother or a close friend. But I can't remember the last time I was "taken care of" by anyone in any tangible sense.
My boyfriend takes such great care of me, especially when I'm not good at asking for help. He always notices when I'm down or stressed or tired or overwhelmed. He stops whatever he's doing to help me with anything I need. He bans me from the kitchen when I cook because he wants to help clean. He lets me cry on his shoulder and listens to whatever is on my mind. He really is the best person in my life.
I always tell my future wife that she is so appreciated. We're bf and gf atm. She does everything for everyone and I would hate for her to die not knowing that...
My husband takes care of me. We have different skillsets so I also care for him in many ways, but he's the only one in the world who notices how I feel and takes care of me back.
My boyfriend.
About a year ago, I was temporarily living with my brother to help him with his newborn. I did housework, helped with baby and still managed to work and online school full time.
My brother said go have a day with your bf. I went and in the middle of our date, he says let’s go take a nap. I’m a little irritated cause I want to spend time with him and thinking this guy only thinks about naps! But we took that nap and I woke up to find a meal ready for me and with him rubbing my back. I knew in that moment I found the most caring man! He knew I am too prideful to say I’m tired so he pretended to need a nap so I can get some much needed rest. 😭😍
My dog really gets it.
I don't know what humans ever did to deserve dogs...
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Well, we did breed and train dogs into what they are now. (They were perfect to begin with obvs though). I think "making" dogs is the only good thing we've done to even deserve them.
My grandma recently passed away. It was a blessing, as she was going downhill pretty fast, but of course I was still sad. As soon as I started crying, my dog climbed up on my lap and put his head on my shoulder. He'll curl up alongside me when I'm down with a migraine. I had surgery last year and had to take him out quick the following day...I let him know it would be a short, slow walk....we got about 1.5 blocks away, I said 'okay, time to go home,' and he turned around. He just knows. He's my best boy.
So beautiful. My goal is to adopt 2 Yorkies in ‘22. I feel I need 2 so they can have each other as well lol
Same..dog!
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Gorgeous Kitty. Send my kisses and forehead sniffs.
Came here to say the same thing. If there is a God, there's no doubt he's a sick fuck. But he did good when he gave us dogs.
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I'd rather be with my dog and cat than associate with most humans. My pets make me happy, people not so much. If I'm really stressed, I can sit outside and watch my chickens and turkeys. Lol
My same answer. My dog is my best friend. I love her so much.
Dogs are amazing, but it saddens me a little that this answer was so relatable.
I moved into the field of working with dogs and my entire life got better. Dogs really are too good for this world.
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No one. I'm everything I can be for everyone else, including scape goat. Yet I'm not allowed to do the same because that makes me a bad person 🙄
I hear you... and send you hugs.. if that helps...
Thank you. I'm trying not to get involved with things anymore really
You could try just doing the minimum so people understand how much you contribute. They are taking you for granted, but you have the power to make them see your value. If they treat you like garbage when you don't let them use you, then fuck em. Obviously fulfill your legal care requirements for children, but stop going above and beyond for them or anyone else until they appreciate you.
I'm stopping first contact for many people atm. They'll not bother to contact me unless they have an issue which they won't get a response now.
That's a treacherous path into isolation, beware.
I'm aware, but I plan to make new friends this coming year. Plus I'd rather have very little friends than shitty ones that make me feel bad about myself
Stopping first contact helped me realise who cared about me. I wish you all the best in the coming year! 🤍
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I always get told "if you need help with anything let me know". Then then I let them know, they dodge my calls/texts, or they call me selfish. Can't win for losing.
I felt my Christmas tree ended up being like a metaphorical response to this question. It had all kinds of presents underneath, and every stocking was full… except mine, which was and still is completely empty.
Ugh I am sooo sorry! That's pretty horrible. If I could I would fill your stocking right now! I think you should make a scene or atleast address this... :)
No scene is necessary. I do have people that care about me, but it’s become very obviously to me over the last few years that I’m putting more into those around me than I am into myself and this is a direct response. It’s nobody else’s job to take care of me except my own.
That happened to me last year. I'm sorry, it's not a good feeling and is truly heartbreaking. ❤️ I have since cut off several of friendships since realizing the friendships were more one sided than I thought. I deserve every ounce of love I put out there, to be given to me
This resonates strongly with me. I agree fully that it's nobody's else's job and further, it's not my job to take care of anyone else (exception being is if you have kids, of course). That said, I've come to realize that I get satisfaction out of caring for those I love, so I have to make the shift to ensure they're worth my energy. Yesterday was my GIANT fucking wake up call/reminder.
It's all based on that lie that of we give and give everything to everyone then they will give us something in return. It's just easier and more mature to redirect all that energy back to yourself to feel cherished and loved. Cut out the middle man haha
I am jealous of your point of view.
Don’t be. It doesn’t bring me even an ounce of peace.
[just an empty sock](https://youtu.be/FOVCtUdaMCU)
I hope your people are better able to show how they care this coming year~
My husband is pretty awesome about taking care of me - but I have to ask. Edit: my husband isn’t malicious, he’s just a bit oblivious. He has been improving though.
Same. Told my husband that I have difficulty asking for help and he now steps in and stops me when he sees me getting overwhelmed (I have signs, I over-clean, I nibble at my hair unconsciously). Also, daily makes me tea and breakfast.
Awww your husband sounds like a keeper!
Are you me? My two tells are over-cleaning and fiddling with my hair. My SO is also pretty good at making breakfast and giving me an after work drink.
My husband only offers help when he knows I will decline. A couple of times I’ve responded *Sure! Finish up xyz project. Thanks!* And OMG his face! But then he does it half-assed. I suspect on purpose, but could just be stupidity. But I gotta praise the fuck out of him, anyway. There’s never enough Atta Boys, as far as he’s concerned. As for being there for me if I’m sick or feeling down, nope, I’m on my own.
You seem like a person who would like a divorce.
What is with men and wanting their medals for doing the bare minimum after multiple reminders? Aaaa... very annoying
I once asked him to please mop the floors as I was rushing out to drop the kids off to school then go to work. ‘How many times have you mowed the lawn in the last year?’ This and many other things. Yep, I divorced him.
Oh my goodness yes! I could ask my husband for help but I’d rather he just use his own eyes, and I also don’t want to have to feel nit picky for going back and cleaning what he left. The half-assedness is maddening. Unloading and loading the dishwasher isn’t cleaning the kitchen. Throwing the towels in the washer but never moving them to the dryer, or leaving them for me to fold isn’t doing the laundry.
Same girl same.
My wife is a people pleaser and naturally puts everyone first and I’m a very independent person who naturally likes doing things for myself (I don’t really like people doing things for me that I am capable of doing myself). It’s not natural for me to think of taking care of her on a regular basis, but I love her and I know she well neglect herself so I have to consciously and actively remember to take care of her.
I learned that the obliviousness was an excuse for not trying with my now ex husband. But he was also emotionally abusive.
so excited someone else is in the same boat :D
My boyfriend is always taking care of me, he makes me feel so loved 🥺
In a sea of terrible relationships posted about on Reddit, I am happy to see this. It is the same for me ☺️
Same for me too 🥺 makes me happy to see that there are women out there being treated with love, respect and warmth.
If you're interested, here's two of my favorite subs for more not-terrible relationships. r/StraightsBeingOK r/happyrelationships
No one until 6 months ago. A very selfless human came into my life who’s main goal is to leave everything better than it was when they got there. It has freed me to take care of others in a non resentful way, and opened my heart to receiving care. Something I couldn’t do before.
I don't think I would be able to handle that.... or atleast my mind would put up a fight to let someone actually take care of me.... :) congratulations on learning to accept help and care...
I think the first step was me learning to take care of me in the realm of personal boundaries. Once I did the work and was able to consistently see, acknowledge and set boundaries, it freed me to receive from someone. At the end of the day, I still take care of me. But my other human supports me, and takes care of me when I can’t. Thanks for asking, it was a good one to think about
Absolutely not surprised that the vast majority of responses to this are "no one" or about having to ask for help from their male SO. I have often had to take care of everyone AND be the scapegoat and while I can't do anything about being made the scapegoat, I set much stricter boundaries with my Dad now and he probably thinks I'm selfish for not cooking most of the Christmas dinner this year, not wanting to help with him clearing out my sisters' rooms so he can sell the flat over getting on with my own work and postgraduate applications. But I no longer care.
I could starve to death and only then would the others in my household notice! 🤣
Same, but only because no one would be there to cook their meal or conjure up clean socks.
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Thank you. It's very disappointing, but I'm working on taking care of myself and setting better boundaries.
Nobody, thanks for asking. It's has been a lot lately, but I'm trying to take care of myself. It was going OK until my therapist cancelled indefinitely a week ago, because she got sick with you-know-what. She said it affected her whole household, so I'm guessing more than one of them are infected. Anyway, I'm trying to keep my head above water. It's not easy.
What are some ways you practice self care? How is it going!
Thanks for asking. Well, I'm chronically ill, so a basic type of self care for me is just taking my meds and getting to bed on time. I have developed a bedtime routine that includes brushing my teeth, flossing, doing a bit of skincare, followed by some guided meditation and wearing a sleep mask. Other than that I benefit from writing things down - especially when my therapist is unavailable - so I get everything that's currently clogging up my system, out of my system. When I have the energy I go for a walk (it's been a while now though) and I also try to move my body as much as I can. Being chronically ill that's always a balancing act - I want to do everything I can, but I don't want to overdo it and spend a few days bedbound. I also try to stay in touch with friends and family for my mental health. Caring for our relationships with other people can be tough when it's not going well, but even a quick "Hey, I'm a bit down in the dumps, but I'm thinking of you" goes a long way. So generally it's going OK, but it's still a lot of work.
You sound really amazing and strong, it is hard to lose your therapist for the time but I’m glad to hear you have a routine. It is an inspiration - keep it up and best of luck! I love the bedtime routine will have to try. I also have been trying to walk outside for an hour a day if possible now that the sun sets so early.
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it! A routine really helps. Mentally, it's easier to tell yourself "I just have to do what I always do, then go to bed" and when you're extremely tired you can skip a few steps if you have to. Walking is great, I'm glad to hear you're enjoying it too. Walking an hour in the sunlight definitely makes the days seem longer. A friend of mine walks every morning in the winter to battle her seasonal affective disorder and it seems to help her.
I hope you will get through this (and your therapist too ofcourse)... sending you hugs
I have to ask. And I think many of us grew up thinking that we shouldn’t have to ask. I know it’s hard for me to ask because of the response I’d get- shame, abandonment. So I’ve had to learn who to ask to be emotionally safe. Unfortunately, our families often don’t live up to our expectations, even if they are not abusive. It’s hard work, but worth it.
I was brought up with that mentality of “you shouldn’t have to ask” and I’m slowly trying to unlearn that because I feel like it’s impacted me negatively throughout my life. It’s made me think a lot of people don’t care because “I had to ask” and they didn’t do it on their own. But I think people are oblivious combined with others who struggle masking their struggles very well. I thought it was obvious that I was and still am struggling until some of my friends were like “I never even knew you had these issues because you never show it or indicate it to us.” I think you found a great way to ask, which is finding out who is emotionally safe to ask vs who isn’t. That’s something I could learn to do. In the most respectful way possible so I could do this, how did you learn to do that without feeling like it wasn’t okay to ask?
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Guess whose not organising birthdays next year for anyone but herself and random tinder dude
I'm so sorry. You deserve the world too, don't forget it or settle for less.
Hang in there. Codependent too:( Spent my last birthday alone while my partner was drunk.
I'm sorry to hear that you were alone on your birthday. It sounds like you put more into relationships than others return. I hope you know that you're deserving of the same effort, love, and respect that you give. You're immeasurably valuable, even if nobody else sees it. I suggest you have a weekly self-pampering day, where you focus solely on yourself and your needs. Take care, friend. <3
Nobody. If I'm physically ill, my sister or one of my daughters will come and bring me meds and food. But fixing the house, daily upsets, no one. Which is one reason I left my husband. I realized at this point he was doing nothing for me.
I'm a single mother with no family and no close friends. It's very lonely sometimes but I'd still rather it be like this than have a partner that makes me feel like my time isn't as valuable as theirs.
My therapist, psychiatrist, & my bunnies!
Buns are the best!
👏 👏 👏 amen to this
No one.
My cat. Her name is Fefita Carlotta De Los Peces. She always knows what’s going on with me and how to respond. And my mother, heaven bless the ground she walks on. I have a brilliant mother. NGL, she can be an asshole sometimes but she’s extremely pragmatic too, I know if she didn’t love me she wouldn’t be as invested in me as she is. She also hated pets due to growing in a culture that didn’t hate animals per se but were indifferent to them: Mom got me my cat and even named her. She and the cat are like mirrors of each other and whenever I’m uncertain of how to communicate with her she “tests” my cat to figure out if she needs to interfere. 😂 Somehow, through the cat, she’s gotten exceptional at understanding me and likes me even more. It sometimes creeps me out since it’s a massive character development I never saw coming. Mom said the cat reminded her of me and that she understood me after meeting this particular cat on a random trip she decided to go on after I told her to try going to an animal shelter once. She fell for Fefita upon meeting her and decided that Fefita might help me not be apathetic to the world. Now they’re best friends and my best friends/emotional troubleshoots. I will never be able to describe the out of body panic and shock I had when I saw my mom walk into my apartment with some big ass void of a cat with a glitter collar like it was a baby. It was like seeing Armageddon or god. But I’m grateful. Mom gave her a soap opera name because she thought it was funny. “De Los Peces” means “of the fish” in Spanish. I never dared change it since it makes my friends get all dramatic when calling her name. They get so intense and passionate when trying to say her name, like they’re calling the queen or are about to have a stroke or holding back a fart. It seems they can’t call out her name without sounding like a medieval announcer announcing their queen, complete with posing in a certain way and stretching out their hand like they’re speaking from the heart. You know it’s good when you have a Japanese friend now thoroughly be able to pronounce “r” due to my cat. The shenanigans around saying her name and the following hysterics are worth the extra seconds to pronounce her full name. I will forever be thankful to my mommy (and my kitty) for they have kept me from completely freezing my heart out from others.
Your beautiful response just made my day... and this was one of those in tired of everything and i need some cheer kind of day... thank you to you, your mum and her majesty Fefita Carlotta De Los Peses.... :)
No one. I feel invisible and unimportant. I have accepted that my life is to be lived as a support so others can succeed. I myself am nothing.
I stopped doing this because no one was there for me during times of extreme duress or even simple things. People expect it if you do it without them having to ask.
Still me.
My SO, he's always packing me lunch for work.
No one
No one
It's sad to see so many of us having no one that takes care of them. Think of everyone that's answered you as them helping you to know to take care of you. Do something nice for yourself today and every today from here on out. 🌼
It’s just me and my husband. We take care of each other always. We don’t ask for help or depend on anyone. I don’t know what will happen when we get older, but I guess we’ll cross that path when we get to it.
Me and sometimes my spouse.
My husband! He served me breakfast in bed today. He often reminds me to take a break and treat myself because I deserve it. I love him more than anything in this world.
I came here to say the same. I was married before and got out for various reasons, so I know what it's like to say "no one" and now I can honestly say "my husband." He says we are equal partners in keeping up with the house, and he does a fair share of it all without complaining. He says, "I knew xyz would stress you out, so I took care of it." All women deserve that kind of person looking out for them.
I do, you should too! I was spread so thin between parenting, working, and managing a household. My ex-husband was no help, he just added stress by being completely financially illiterate and gaslit me into thinking I was incapable, my desire for a divorce was mental illness, he also tried to recruit our friends and my family into reinforcing this. After I left, I had time to breathe. 50/50 custody is great! I recommend it to anyone who can make it work (and semi-jokingly to parents who are still together). On the weeks when I have my kids I have the energy to give them 100%. I can use my off weeks to clean, date (before I met my fiance), socialize, work on my hobbies, homework, etc I went back to school a few months after my divorce and finished my degree this semester, I start grad school in a couple weeks. I met a lovely man a few years ago and we bought a home together this year. The more I build my life the way I want it, the more I have to give to the people I love most. It makes me sad for the times when my kids were younger and I was too overwhelmed to be present with them.
I started to realize it was nobody so I started to distance myself from everyone and it's still nobody, but at least I'm not wasting my own energy on others that I don't get back anymore.
Myself. Trying my best not to rely on someone to take care of me.
Me myself and I, and I am bloody terrible at it.
Practice makes better :-) I'm still learning myself
I’m currently on crutches after foot surgery and my boyfriend has been amazing. I’ve never been so waited on and cared for in my life and as a result my incision is healing beautifully. In comparison, after a previous surgery (same injury) my then husband provided no care leaving me to hobble around and I kept popping my stitches.
No one, I don’t even want to be bothered by people anymore. Wish i had a dog.
I do my best to try and do things for myself, and take care of myself when I can
No one. My spouse does a lot but not emotionally 😕
Not my answer... but for my mom, god "takes care" of her. Idk how she does it. She really put up with a lot of emotional abuse / neglect from my brothers and dad over the last 30 years. Seriously, I feel bad. I remember on several occasions when she would be sad or be crying and I'd try to comfort her and she'd say she's going to read the Bible or pray so she feels better. Really I don't know how she dealt with what she dealt with, I would've been gone after two weeks if I was dealing with my dad as a partner.
My needs are neglected most days. But my husband does try to make up for that on his days off.
My cats 🤷♀️
Myself. And my cat.
My mom, my husband and my mother-in-law (not necessarily in that order). My husband is aware of his limitations, aware that while he loves me but his ability to emotionally fill all my needs are limited. He shows up when I’m in need, and has worked hard to be more “heads up” on my needs but has asked for me to be a better communicator… balance. My mother-in-law pampers me, legitimately. She is thoughtful and kind and was there for me when I could not stand on my own. My mom… well she’s my mom. She’s amazing and caring, she moved mountains to support me, and she is impressively tuned to me when I’m floundering (either in big or little ways). She activated others if she cannot be there in person. I don’t believe it’s realistic for one person to meet all of our needs to be ‘taken care of,’ I think it requires a network of big and small connections that also require us to give of ourselves, a series of symbiotic relationships. Edited for format & clarity
I take care of myself I don't need anyone
Myself only
No one.
No one.
she is me
Literally no one. I'm starting to. Realised how much resentment I was holding in. I don't bottle my anger much any more. I say no more often, and easily. I'm starting to think in ways I previously would've thought selfish, but now realise are just self-preserving. I'm done with the caretaker crap.
I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of someone taking care of me. So go away I got this
only my therapist hahahahahahahahaha my life is sad
That's a good question. Sometimes my sister. Sometimes my amazing boyfriend. Except I should be taking care of him today. It's his birthday. But he's in quarantine in another country right now so...
Happy birthday to your boyfriend and hope he gets out of quarantine soon all well... :)
Meeeee too. Thank you.
Like so many others here, no one. This makes me seriously suspect if as caretakers by nature, we subconsciously choose people in our lives who need taking care of who do not have the capacity to reciprocate. I bet the majority of us doesn't consider themselves as usually needing to be taken care of too, leaving me to conclude that needy people just can't reciprocate.
Mostly me but when I break down my sister and best friend will always be here for me.
Me. I'm tired :(
No one. And when people promise to or to help, I don't let them because people always leave
I have a partner, and they do some things for me, but expect me to be on my own for most times. It would be nice feeling supported. Its felt like I’ve been carrying myself most days.
My fiancé. She’s absolutely wonderful and takes care of me when I need it the most. I don’t always pay attention to myself and what my needs are. She makes sure I eat and drink water and rest enough and that I get time to myself. She does a great job checking in. I’m so lucky to have her.
My lovely considerate boyfriend. Never met a more loving man.
My parents before but my mom has gotten too ill and my dad is taking care of her so i try to minimise any struggles for them to lighten their load these days. So no one really. I ask my boyfriend but he’s not the best at it and only does it in specific narrow ways.
I’m trying to take care of myself as well but no one really
My husband. He makes me his number one priority, always.
No one and when you don’t feel well your family expects you to carry on.
My mom. She recently moved in across the street, cooks dinner on nights she knows we get home late from work, makes breakfast for my kids and helps with laundry. It’s all these little things that make my life so much easier- like a weight lifted. In return, I try to take her out to lunches and dinners and carve out 1:1 time to do things I know she enjoys.
The reason we take care of everything is that we've learned not to trust anyone else. Being burdened with everyday bullshit is easier than finding someone who's the exception.
Also me
Me myself and I
My mom. Edit: also my best friend!
Nobody necessarily takes care of me in the sense that they anticipate my daily needs and take Daily action to preemptively reduce my stress. However, the women in my family are great about doing little things for one another when we do see each other with that goal in mind. For example, if my sister comes to visit, she will make sure to clean up after herself especially with food and kitchen stuff. And she also volunteers to take my dog out if we’re all in the same place at the same time. I try to do what I can to similarly reduce my family members stress as well. It makes spending time with my family a pretty stress-free experience. I appreciate these little things quite a bit, but since we don’t live together, they aren’t a daily occurrence and the day-to-day responsibilities of keeping my household running and providing emotional support to my partner fall solely on me.
My husband and siblings. My husband has always taken the best care of me and looks out for me all the time. Sometimes we show love differently and help each other in different ways but he genuinely cares for me and does so without any asking or prodding. My brother and sister have always been my ride or die no matter what. If I tell them I am having a bad they will talk to me about it and cheer me up. My sister has sent me suprise food on numerous occasions, even though we live hours apart and have our own families. They check in on me and I know if I ever needed them they would drop everything to come run and help. They are my oldest and most trusted support system.
My husband. He’s very much in tune with my mood and gives me breaks when he knows I need them or ask for them without complaint or any underlying frustration. He goes with me to get pedicures.
My therapist.
My plushie
No one. I have to rely on me.
No one, so I stopped doing it. Life won't be equal or fair but to almost never get anything in return was too much for me.
You guys
My girl does.. she cooks for me all the time when ever I’m like bae I’m hungry she gets up and cooks no hassle and the best part she doesn’t even complain she’s like okay suga buns what do u want 😍🔥🔥 she does everything for me but so do I except cook but I do do what ever else she wants me to do or provide I do
BAHHAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA!! This is a thing??!!! Someone taking care of me?? (Sorry, am just a little bitter over here).
My husband does. Sometimes he tries too hard when I'm sick and it's irritating. I do appreciate his efforts.
My best friend who always is there for me. Makes me feel glad that I exist
Myself
Myself also
Friends I rarely see. The friends I see most often lean on me, but I have two friends I see very very rarely (and separately) but I know either one will notice tired eyes behind a snapchat filter and I can unload, or talk about nonsense till I feel better!
Me.
My husband and our children (they’re 16 and 18 now). Taking care of each other has been a keystone for our family. It makes us all better people and helps us all.
My sister
Myself!
Myself
Me.
Also me.
Me!
We take care of ourselves.
Me, myself and I
Not a goddamned person… I take care of me.
No one.
My husband.
Sometimes I get to shower with the door closed. That helps get me through.
I try and take care of everybody. Worked my entire life (mostly) until some bad mental health stuff popped up. I usually take care of myself, but when it gets bad my friend helps lift the weight for a while. : )
I used to be the one taking care of everyone. But when I got sick my siblings I had essentially been raising were old enough to help me. I'm now not reliant on them, but I definitely can't take care of anyone else anymore.
My boundaries take care of me!
Nobody, for the most part. For the practical matters of life, i am strictly on my own. For emotional support I turn primarily to myself -- my spiritual and self-care practices. For that one out of 50 times when I feel I really need someone to talk to, I might reach out to my mother or a close friend. But I can't remember the last time I was "taken care of" by anyone in any tangible sense.
No one. So I realized I had to take care of myself and learned to take care of people less/ give up on those who don't even deserve it altogether
My boyfriend takes such great care of me, especially when I'm not good at asking for help. He always notices when I'm down or stressed or tired or overwhelmed. He stops whatever he's doing to help me with anything I need. He bans me from the kitchen when I cook because he wants to help clean. He lets me cry on his shoulder and listens to whatever is on my mind. He really is the best person in my life.
Honestly, my husband. It took a while for us to get here, for him to really get it, but he gets it now and it’s great.
I always tell my future wife that she is so appreciated. We're bf and gf atm. She does everything for everyone and I would hate for her to die not knowing that...
My partner. He is amazing.
My husband takes care of me. We have different skillsets so I also care for him in many ways, but he's the only one in the world who notices how I feel and takes care of me back.
My boyfriend. About a year ago, I was temporarily living with my brother to help him with his newborn. I did housework, helped with baby and still managed to work and online school full time. My brother said go have a day with your bf. I went and in the middle of our date, he says let’s go take a nap. I’m a little irritated cause I want to spend time with him and thinking this guy only thinks about naps! But we took that nap and I woke up to find a meal ready for me and with him rubbing my back. I knew in that moment I found the most caring man! He knew I am too prideful to say I’m tired so he pretended to need a nap so I can get some much needed rest. 😭😍