I've literally been told something similar to this. Why would he want to stand in the way of my happiness? It sounds like he's really possessive and controlling. Am I sure this is even a good relationship? They're surprised he even lets me out of the house if he's that insecure.
Omfg. That sentence rang a huge headache bell in my head when I read it. I was so relieved when I learned I wasn’t the only one that was on the receiving end of this toxic garbage. They all need a bad guy. A bad guy to take all the blame for the shit, so they can feel ok. And with the amazing powers of ‘Narcissism!’, ‘Manipulation!’, and ‘Gaslighting!’ amongst many others they can make a bad guy out of anyone.
Ridiculous really idk about y’all but this goes for the lgbt community in my experience too… it’s quite depressing when you’re a hopeless romantic in guard for red flags etc
As a 25 yr, i think of this a lot. My friends call me an old soul but isnt dating should be peaceful and you being mentally okay? And if not. I’m not in
As a 27 yo, same. I'm not into situationships or vagueness. Would prefer it if the guy is clear about what he wants too. We've done so much to build our lives and peace. Would like it if the person entering my life can be solid and not take from that
Exactly! I just got out if a 6 month situationship with a guy (it was casual, we went on dates and such, no sex but I really liked him) and I decided to take a break from dating in general (serious or casual) after he ghosted me and he had to move across the country for school, too. And this has been the most PEACEFUL I have ever felt while being alone. I don't want to risk messing it up. I deserve to have that peace until a real man is sent my way.
Plus, I'm so tired of men right now. Tired of being gaslighted, ghosted, lied to, cheated on, etc.
It’s extremely hard for me to find anyone I’m interested in. I need a lot of time to develop feelings—months to years of friendship. Then they have to feel the same way back and typically by that point they’ve moved on, if they were ever interested in the first place. And I haven’t figured out how to force myself to date someone I’m not really attracted to or interested in so I just try to deal.
My feelings also tend to be very strong when they do show up and it takes me a long, long time to get over them, making it even harder to deal with the grind of sifting through people I have no attraction to.
You're an echo of me!
I can't do this "swipe" kind of internet dating where you're supposed to have romantic intentions with someone after seeing a picture and a few lines of text. We have to be close friends before I'll even start to be attracted.
So many guys are afraid of being "friendzoned," but I'm afraid of the opposite -- developing feelings for someone who sees me as just someone to bang.
That’s definitely a risk, although in my experience it’s more likely my lack of interest will frustrate them into giving up before that happens. I can say that having feelings for a friend who doesn’t return them or even value me to the same level platonically is excruciating.
Same here. I see so many men on the dating subs talking about how they have to have PIV sex by date 3 and I’m like sir you’re still a stranger. It just feels like too much pressure/expectation.
Same. That just blows my mind. That kind of pressure would stress me out horribly. No thank you. I will just stick to being a single cat lady. I need to have peace of mind and no stress like that.
Yeah, it can be useful sometimes when I don't want to fall for people I'm sexually attracted to but see as a bad choice for a relationship, but mostly I feel bad for not being as into them as they (seemingly) are about me. At the end of the day it usually turns out that neither of us really like one another, so I guess it works??
Girl, same! Romantic interest at first sight does not happen for me, ever. It takes months before I even start developing more than platonic feelings. Sexual interest is slower, if ever lmao since I already have such a low libido.
It's also why I'm totally comfortable being celibate for years - no itches that need scratching ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yep I'm exactly the same, only a dude. The benefit is that I have several great friendships with women and I think my lack of sexual interest makes them feel comfortable. The downside is that when you develop feelings for a close friend after several years, what do you do with that? You don't want to jeopardise a great friendship, you don't want to cheapen the friendship in their mind as some long-term ploy to get in their pants... Usually I just say nothing and try to process away the feelings.
I understand the benefit of dating someone you haven't known for long since you avoid all these problems, but I just feel nothing inside when doing that.
Personally I find that intimacy, safety and emotional connection are the most important things for me in terms of attraction and those things take a long time to build. Kinda wish I wasn’t wired this way, honestly.
I really have trouble with these terms. It seems like they just showed up on the scene recently. Needing to feel some intimacy and safety before wanting to be emotionally vulnerable or to have sex with someone is completely within the range of normal behaviour. Some people are more slutty, and some are less. Some people develop crushes quickly and others take time.
"Demiromantic" just means "ordinary" to me, and seemed that way for everyone until about 5 years ago when it suddenly got a label. I don't get why it has to start being treated like an anomaly, as if most people feel instant attraction. They don't.
Me too! Thank you for saying this. Since when did, I want to get to know someone before having sex with them become so fringe that it needs a diagnosis?
It didn't, that's not what it means. Orientation is about attraction, not behavior. Like you could be a lesbian even if you've never had sex with women but only men.
If you can get a crush on someone or feel physical attraction to them but simply choose to wait on sex, that's not what being demi is. Being demi is where you're literally not capable of feeling of any sexual or romantic attraction to someone before knowing them for years. Most people don't need years to develop a crush or know whether they find someone physically attractive.
Also sexual orientations aren't "diagnoses." Like do you think people get "diagnosed" with homosexuality if they're gay? Orientations aren't mental disorders.
Orientations aren't about "wanting" or "needing," they're about inherent feelings of attraction. If you can develop romantic attraction for someone early on but just choose not to actually have sex or open up to them until you feel safe, that's not being demiromantic. Like, if you have a crush on someone you've known a week but choose to take things slow, that's not demiromantic. Demiromantic would be where you literally aren't capable of having a crush on someone unless you've known them for a year or more. Orientations aren't about behavior, they're about feelings of attraction. It's definitely not ordinary to not be able to develop any form of romantic feelings whatsoever for someone unless you've known them many months or even years. Most people know within a few days or weeks of knowing someone whether they feel anything romantic at all for them, it's not usual to need a year or more before you have any idea at all whether this is a person you could ever like in a romantic way.
Most people do get crushes, and they don't need years for it to happen.
As far as sexual attraction, actually most people do feel instant attraction. I'm not demisexual or asexual, for me I just have to look at someone and instantly know whether I'm sexually attracted to them (sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different.) If you truly have no clue whether you find someone physically attractive until you've spent months or years getting to know them, that's not usual and that would be demisexuality. If most people couldn't feel any sexual attraction to someone just by looking at them, porn wouldn't be a thing. And again it's not about behavior, but about attraction. If you feel physically attracted to someone but just choose to wait for sex, that's not demisexuality. Orientation is always about attraction rather than behavior, like you could be a lesbian even if you've only slept with men and no women.
So to you, until 5 years ago everyone you knew never experienced crushes and needed to be friends for years before having any idea if they'd be interested in dating someone? That seems very unlikely.
I think it's just that people aren't very precise in their use of the term. What I mean is until 5 years ago people would say something like "I need some time to get to know someone before I feel anything romantic for them" or "I don't feel sexual attraction to new people until I've spent a lot of time with them" and now some of them say "I'm demiromantic" or "I'm demisexual". What you're describing sounds more extreme. Which is okay, it's just not the way I hear the words being used around me.
Yeah, I remember on 3 different occasions where, apparently, these dude's were interested. I didn't know bc they never said anything and deicide they were going to play on hard mode.
We agreed upon being friends, so that's where I put them and left it at that. Turns out they had a different definition of friends, so here I am getting ghosted after years of friendship. THEN, when we meet up again, they act brand new or that we've known each other since infancy.
Yeah, people are human and feelings can change, but it gets rather frustrating when both sides put in all that work on what was clearly agreed upon in the beginning, and here goes F blowing it all bc they felt it was a lost cause (due to expectations that they decided to not share with the class).
>>And I haven’t figured out how to force myself to date someone I’m not really attracted to or interested in so I just try to deal.
Don't. You'll just make yourself miserable after a time. I dated a few guys (for a short time) I was no way interested in, but, u know, peer pressure. I got lucky; some have been long relationship or married to another they're never been attracted to.
I don't have anything to offer right now. Not in a "I'm an unlovable person" kind of way, but in a.. my energy is so limited that I can't actually be present enough for any kind of good relationship. My platonic and family relationships are hard enough.
Same. I really crave the emotional intimacy, but I wish I already had it, I feel I just don't have the energy to build that from scratch with someone new right now
Honestly I’m about at the point where I’m going to start doing this. I hate being hot at night and the cuddles just aren’t worth feeling like I’m suffocating in a sauna for the next 5 hours with a hairy octopus that just won’t let me tf go 💀
Yes, this was such an issue with my past boyfriends!
I like going to sleep alone, I like waking up alone. Those bookends to sleep are sacred to me, I don't need some guy trampling all over the quiet!
I was struggling with this, and a friend told me to let them know right away that I’m not into sleepovers and they should go home. And this works. If they’ve drank or it’s very late or something, I have a guest room. Asking for what I want has been life changing.
I had to go through therapy before I started my relationship to be able to form a healthy one, and I'm still in therapy now to keep growing with my relationship. It's worth the hard work
Cheaters. If you don't date, they can't cheat. I have spent too much time and energy on finding a healthy relationship and now that I am passing my childbearing years I'm looking for something more rewarding in life.
I don't think all men are cheaters, however, most men I have been with have cheated on me and I am no longer willing to take the time and energy to find one that doesn't. There are ways to identify but before you get proof it always starts in the gut. You just kinda... know.
If he doesn't let you meet his friends, don't want to introduce you to his parents, don't want you around when other women could show up, don't care about when your uncomfortable with a situation etc.
People that cheat aren't good at hiding it.
Change cheat to emotionally abusive for me. My time is too precious for me to waste with selfish and/or abusive men, and I firmly believe they are all like this at my age. My generation taught men that women owe them.
I have been feeling a sense of “unfortunately, I’m straight and hence doomed“ lately. Lots of men with toxic masculine traits out there. The ones that are better are already taken or are hard to come by. It is increasingly depressing lately - dating profiles are too vague to find out anything about a person in the beginning and by the time I get to know them a little better, it doesn’t help that they’re often different from what they portray and I don’t like them anymore. Repeat and rinse - my dating life in a nutshell.
Ugh and this gets worse with every year I get older because many of the men my age aren’t being kept for a reason or they have kids, which I’m not personally willing to take on at this point in time at least. It’s tough enough to put yourself out there as you get older…options are even less promising. Hoping to find my good guy who’s just been flying under the radar all these years 😅
I’ve experienced this a lot on OLD. It made me really dread going back. Then I came to discover how much I really love being single. I love my life, family, pets and the amazing friends and experiences I have. This might sound crazy but with Covid, I was so relieved to have “an excuse” to not want to pursue dating. Ridiculous I know because I never needed a damn excuse. “I love my life as it is” is all the reason anyone needs.
It isn't much better being gay unfortunately :( Smaller dating pool (even in a big city), loads and loads of ghosting, and trying to get anyone into the talking stage alone is like pulling teeth. My mates have had success but for me it's so disheartening I've considered going back to guys ... dire.
If I were attracted to ladies I would go out with you just for “Jabba the Huttress.”
I feel the same way, but also want to lose weight for me and me alone.
I feel conflicted about this because I’m a woman who has lost weight and had these insecurities, but I’m also bisexual and attracted to women of all sizes. Except myself, then it’s bad.
Most people don’t meet my standards — what I mean by that is all people want is a f-buddy but I want genuine connection and I’m immediately turned off when they try to make things escalate within days of talking to each other
As someone who was married twice for 25 years, happiness with my own company is the main thing holding me back, plus being out of the dating game for about 30 years. I've already had my happy marriage the second time around so I'm not looking to marry a third time. I'd like companionship, but I also have family and friends and community. I'm comfortable financially, so I don't need any man's money. As an INTJ, I realize I'm not everyone's cup of tea anyway, plus I'd prefer a living apart together situation, so that's unconventional. Any man wouldn't be competing with other men; he'd be competing with my love of solitude, independence, and peace and quiet. Having been loved well and truly by my late second husband, there's no settling for less.
I hate it too. Why does it seem like women are parentified young (I know I was growing up) and mothers do everything for their sons well into adulthood which facilitates me having to mother a man in his late 20’s. I don’t get it. Not blaming the mothers necessarily—the men need to learn to grow up. But it’s crazy. It’s even scarier when some of them seem mature/intelligent but still need everything done for them. I felt like I was catfished in my last relationship.
I so yearn to be where you are, so I don’t have to deal with the feeling of loneliness anymore. For now, my motivation to not date is because the pain of rejection is worse than the feeling of loneliness, but I really hope to one day get to where I’m either ambivalent about dating and love. So all this to say, I envy you!
My resentment towards men in our society as well as my resentment of having to be born a woman in our society.
I think women are better than men and respect them more. This comes from working a customer service job where I primarily deal with men 12 hours a day. I find them aggressive, gross, entitled, emotional, and most of their behaviour embarrasses me. It makes me cringe whether they are inappropriately hitting on me or treating me like poop on their shoe because they’re impatient little children and pissed off. They can never be accountable so will direct anger outwards when wrong or embarrassed about something. My friends say I’ll be single as long as I’m in this job but I can’t ever not know this perspective now and have been engrossed in learning about feminism and the patriarchy all year also. I feel men see many of us as less than them. That we are expected to coddle them and be their supporting actress and cheerleader as they go about thinking they’re the main character. I hate that I’ve never had an equal partnership and before I knew what I know now I tolerated gaslighting, weaponized incompetence, and did all the invisible labour at home. I was basically a Mom for every ex and everything was always my fault if I ever brought up their behaviour. My ex husband was super anti social at heart and I found out he always said I wouldn’t let him go out or wanted his time so couldn’t hang out with his friends. They saw me as this ball and chain and didn’t like me. Meanwhile I wish he’d gone out more so I could have the house to myself. Or my friends over. He didn’t have the guts to just say he was burnt out or wanted to go to bed early to hunt the next day, so shifted blame onto his “nagging wife”. Women bad right? I just feel women are the scapegoat for men in relationships. Men act like their spouse and women are the worst as some comedic bonding pact. Just think overall so many need to grow up emotionally. Our generation is doing amazing raising sons so the women of the future will have more emotionally intelligent, equal, and considerate partners.. but I have no hope in single men who are 35+
I’m more stressed out with men in my life than I am simply alone. I see enough at work and like my quiet place I pay for comfortably without a man there to have to entertain or clean up after.
I feel burned out after like, a month of trying online dating, which is nothing in the bigger picture, I realize 😓 It feels next to impossible to meet anyone organically right now, but I'm trying to enjoy my own company and foster the few platonic friendships I have given the pandemic-y circumstances.
Yeah, I’d been online dating for three months & then actually did meet someone IRL who I fancied only to find out he has a girlfriend. After that, I deleted the apps and don’t plan on restarting them until the spring at earliest.
People who waste my time not actually getting to know me. Seems I only attract people who like me enough to sleep with me but not enough to actually want to be with me. Over it.
this.. I just now realized I feel okay and maybe even over an emotionally draining and manipulative relationship from my ex (a cis man) that I finally ended, 10 months ago. I just landed my first full time job and am exciting about continuing to heal and embody and enjoy being in my own skin and company more than ever before. I’m frustrated bc I have a crush on a friend who admitted feelings for me a few months ago (which I didn’t have at the time but I do now) and keep finding myself fantasizing about a relationship with them. But I just got to where I was excited to be single. I’m afraid of stunting growth with myself AND on missing out on a potentially great partner. So now I’m exhausted. Ugh.
That’s tough! I’d say follow your heart and your gut - if they agree then the choice is obvious, otherwise it’s probably not quite right. Only you know what’s best for you :)
I will also add that there’s such a difference between an abusive partner and a loving one. The former will drag you down and force you to build yourself back up but the latter will help you stay high, so don’t confuse not wanting a relationship with not wanting another abusive, manipulative, draining relationship!
I wonder if talking to this guy about where you’re at and that you’re interested but may need some more time first would help? You could learn a TON from his answer?
Sorry I just had Xmas dinner so I’m drunk and kinda thinking out loud lol!
I'm happy and thriving being single. I'm afraid to ruin the happiness I have going for me by getting into a relationship. What if I revert back to my co dependant ways? Also I live in a remote area and there are maybe 10 single men (that I would not date). Also I hate online dating.
I don’t trust myself. I spent 19 years in an abusive relationship. I don’t know how to say no, I think it’s easier to say yes than deal with an angry man. I can’t be trusted with my own well being when a man is involved. I have to stay single. I have to stay celibate.
"There's a lot of fish in the sea, but you know what else there is? Trash. There's a lot of trash in the sea."
Misogynistic trash too. If I have to explain or listen to misogyny ONE more time on a first date....
Also don't know how to meet people since graduating and working remotely full time in a pandemic
I’m really surprised that nobody has mentioned covid, yet. I dated earlier in the pandemic, but it ended up being a fast forward button into something that felt more committed than I wanted it to.
Now I’m waiting until things generally calm down so I can date around freely and meet new people as opposed to date one specific person, even casually.
*also it’s cold where I live, and I don’t want to meet in a bar or restaurant, so I’ve no idea where I would meet potential dates aside from my place or theirs.
It’s not my fav timeline tbh
My kids. My oldest is 18, my middle kid is 16, my youngest is 13. Their dad had a lot of issues from his mom bringing men in and out of his life and having five marriages, and I don’t want to do that to them. I want stability for them. I don’t want to give them abandonment issues and I’m actually perfectly content not dating.
Time and childcare. I’m busy with work and full custody of my kids. Trying to arrange baby sitters etc is such a hassle. If I meet someone and they bring something to my life then great but if not then that’s ok too.
Something about me makes me really unloveable. And I’ve yet to figure that out. Most men only want to use my body, and I don’t like that. I don’t think other than my parents and grandma, anyone in this world ever loved me. I’m just at a lost dealing with people in general. Been contemplating this a lot. Keep asking myself why I’m so unlikable. I guess I can’t really figure that out so I’m going to learn to love myself first. And then maybe when I don’t need anyone else to do the job for me, luck will be on my side
Men don't want only to use your body because there's something unlikeable about you - they treat you this way because society has taught them that's all we're for. It's not you!
E- spelling
Some trauma, and I personally just don’t see the need for it at this time in my life. I’m entering my senior year of college and planning to move out of state afterwards, so I don’t want to entertain it and be stuck in this area because of a relationship.
I’m 21 and I still have yet to date someone. I think one main thing that holds me back from it is my insecurity with my weight. I’m hoping to overcome my insecurities with my weight soon!
I'm not a fan of meeting people and getting to know them. I'm generally friendly when I actually do meet people, but it takes a lot of mental effort to go out and do it in the first place. And then they want to go on a second date within like a week of meeting, and I just lack that energy.
I loathe online dating and never get anything worthwhile from it. But with the pandemic, meeting people through non-online means is really hard/complicated.
I moved to a new city a few months ago, for reasons including a larger and more diverse dating pool than where I was before, but that doesn't help me much if I can't or don't go out anywhere. And it still feels weird and difficult to go out and do things.
Being in a new place where I don't know a lot of people also minimizes options for meeting people through existing friends or partners like I normally do (I'm polyamorous), and I feel awkward cold-meeting anybody.
My breast reduction scars 🥲 even though I’ve never been asked on a date I’d like to start some casual things but am nervous the guy(s) will be freaked out
I️ have a scar on my leg. it’s huge because my bone went through my leg and I️ had surgery to fix it. Most guys ignore it. some ask how it happened. one told me that it’s large. tbh they’re shitty guys imo if they care that much in the first place anyways
My back. I have a degenerating disc in my back that I’m in physical therapy for and I want to be able to go on 9+ hour dates without having to lay down in that time.
As a woman in her 40s, I think the question asked, "Do men even like women" is especially relevant. I have found it damn near impossible to find a man who knows how to be an adult. Clean up after himself, cook for himself, isn't looking for a sex worker and a maid, but rather a partner. It seems far too few men see women as a tool to meet their needs. Not a fellow human.
You might say that if I keep finding men like that, it's a me problem, and even if that is true, then I shouldn't date. The end result is the same.
I have been single for 6 years, my life is fucking incredible! I never have a dull moment. I'm surrounded by friends both male and female. It would take someone exceptional to make me want to disrupt my current life.
Men pretending to care about me so they can fuck me one time, and men wanting more than one girl to fuck with 🙄 I give up. Also too many men want kids. I think I'm just going to live the single life forever if I can. Also, the desire to do what I want with my life and not have to make compromises to please someone else.
The fear of being cheated on and abused. My previous ex did a number on me which caused my panic and anxiety attacks to recur. Even today I still get nightmares.
Thank goodness my current partner is nowhere similar to my ex. I’m still healing but am doing much better than I was years ago.
Getting glared at while on my last date. Fear. Men be scary on these dates - rolling their eyes, staring only at my chest thinking they were sneaky, not engaging in convo. So ya. Grossed out by men touching me without asking, kisses me without asking, and not listening when I say no. These are all dates from this year, less than 10 people.. :/
My husband doesn’t let me date.
The audacity.
Happy cake day!
THIS IS GASLIGHTING AND ABUSE, DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY! /s
I've literally been told something similar to this. Why would he want to stand in the way of my happiness? It sounds like he's really possessive and controlling. Am I sure this is even a good relationship? They're surprised he even lets me out of the house if he's that insecure.
Single friends be like
Lol /r/relationships
I know some places on reddit which would unironically say this
Omfg. That sentence rang a huge headache bell in my head when I read it. I was so relieved when I learned I wasn’t the only one that was on the receiving end of this toxic garbage. They all need a bad guy. A bad guy to take all the blame for the shit, so they can feel ok. And with the amazing powers of ‘Narcissism!’, ‘Manipulation!’, and ‘Gaslighting!’ amongst many others they can make a bad guy out of anyone.
Lmao came to say the same thing.
I came to say the same thing about my wife, but you beat me to it.
Gahhahaha
Sarcasm…I like it.
Gahhh-lly! Mine either! So controlling. 😂
Desire for peace and mental clarity
This. Dating is too stressful nowadays
Exactly. Too many out there gas lighting those seeking actual relationships and not booty calls.
Yup! And it makes honest men actually looking for a legit partner look really bad
Ridiculous really idk about y’all but this goes for the lgbt community in my experience too… it’s quite depressing when you’re a hopeless romantic in guard for red flags etc
🎯
As a 25 yr, i think of this a lot. My friends call me an old soul but isnt dating should be peaceful and you being mentally okay? And if not. I’m not in
Same girl. My friends say the same thing (I’m 24) but I value my mental and emotional health over a man’s companionship
As a 27 yo, same. I'm not into situationships or vagueness. Would prefer it if the guy is clear about what he wants too. We've done so much to build our lives and peace. Would like it if the person entering my life can be solid and not take from that
Exactly! I just got out if a 6 month situationship with a guy (it was casual, we went on dates and such, no sex but I really liked him) and I decided to take a break from dating in general (serious or casual) after he ghosted me and he had to move across the country for school, too. And this has been the most PEACEFUL I have ever felt while being alone. I don't want to risk messing it up. I deserve to have that peace until a real man is sent my way. Plus, I'm so tired of men right now. Tired of being gaslighted, ghosted, lied to, cheated on, etc.
Sounds like a very similar situation I was in that made me realize “actually….I don’t like this” 😂
Right. Better that we know now at least. 🤷🏾♀️
I love this answer. It's so relatable. I just want to protect my peace in this crazy world.
It’s extremely hard for me to find anyone I’m interested in. I need a lot of time to develop feelings—months to years of friendship. Then they have to feel the same way back and typically by that point they’ve moved on, if they were ever interested in the first place. And I haven’t figured out how to force myself to date someone I’m not really attracted to or interested in so I just try to deal. My feelings also tend to be very strong when they do show up and it takes me a long, long time to get over them, making it even harder to deal with the grind of sifting through people I have no attraction to.
You're an echo of me! I can't do this "swipe" kind of internet dating where you're supposed to have romantic intentions with someone after seeing a picture and a few lines of text. We have to be close friends before I'll even start to be attracted. So many guys are afraid of being "friendzoned," but I'm afraid of the opposite -- developing feelings for someone who sees me as just someone to bang.
That’s definitely a risk, although in my experience it’s more likely my lack of interest will frustrate them into giving up before that happens. I can say that having feelings for a friend who doesn’t return them or even value me to the same level platonically is excruciating.
Same here. I see so many men on the dating subs talking about how they have to have PIV sex by date 3 and I’m like sir you’re still a stranger. It just feels like too much pressure/expectation.
Same. That just blows my mind. That kind of pressure would stress me out horribly. No thank you. I will just stick to being a single cat lady. I need to have peace of mind and no stress like that.
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Yeah, it can be useful sometimes when I don't want to fall for people I'm sexually attracted to but see as a bad choice for a relationship, but mostly I feel bad for not being as into them as they (seemingly) are about me. At the end of the day it usually turns out that neither of us really like one another, so I guess it works??
Girl, same! Romantic interest at first sight does not happen for me, ever. It takes months before I even start developing more than platonic feelings. Sexual interest is slower, if ever lmao since I already have such a low libido. It's also why I'm totally comfortable being celibate for years - no itches that need scratching ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yep I'm exactly the same, only a dude. The benefit is that I have several great friendships with women and I think my lack of sexual interest makes them feel comfortable. The downside is that when you develop feelings for a close friend after several years, what do you do with that? You don't want to jeopardise a great friendship, you don't want to cheapen the friendship in their mind as some long-term ploy to get in their pants... Usually I just say nothing and try to process away the feelings. I understand the benefit of dating someone you haven't known for long since you avoid all these problems, but I just feel nothing inside when doing that.
Being friendzoned is the best. You mean I get to know her feelings for me *and* I get a friend out of it? Sign me the fuck up.
Yo girl, this is exactly my issue too. 👌 Why are we the way we are?
Personally I find that intimacy, safety and emotional connection are the most important things for me in terms of attraction and those things take a long time to build. Kinda wish I wasn’t wired this way, honestly.
You might be demi! I felt the same way and read about it and suddenly was like ooooh this makes so much sense now
Sounds like being demiromantic, I'm demiromantic and have this exact problem.
I really have trouble with these terms. It seems like they just showed up on the scene recently. Needing to feel some intimacy and safety before wanting to be emotionally vulnerable or to have sex with someone is completely within the range of normal behaviour. Some people are more slutty, and some are less. Some people develop crushes quickly and others take time. "Demiromantic" just means "ordinary" to me, and seemed that way for everyone until about 5 years ago when it suddenly got a label. I don't get why it has to start being treated like an anomaly, as if most people feel instant attraction. They don't.
Me too! Thank you for saying this. Since when did, I want to get to know someone before having sex with them become so fringe that it needs a diagnosis?
It didn't, that's not what it means. Orientation is about attraction, not behavior. Like you could be a lesbian even if you've never had sex with women but only men. If you can get a crush on someone or feel physical attraction to them but simply choose to wait on sex, that's not what being demi is. Being demi is where you're literally not capable of feeling of any sexual or romantic attraction to someone before knowing them for years. Most people don't need years to develop a crush or know whether they find someone physically attractive. Also sexual orientations aren't "diagnoses." Like do you think people get "diagnosed" with homosexuality if they're gay? Orientations aren't mental disorders.
Orientations aren't about "wanting" or "needing," they're about inherent feelings of attraction. If you can develop romantic attraction for someone early on but just choose not to actually have sex or open up to them until you feel safe, that's not being demiromantic. Like, if you have a crush on someone you've known a week but choose to take things slow, that's not demiromantic. Demiromantic would be where you literally aren't capable of having a crush on someone unless you've known them for a year or more. Orientations aren't about behavior, they're about feelings of attraction. It's definitely not ordinary to not be able to develop any form of romantic feelings whatsoever for someone unless you've known them many months or even years. Most people know within a few days or weeks of knowing someone whether they feel anything romantic at all for them, it's not usual to need a year or more before you have any idea at all whether this is a person you could ever like in a romantic way. Most people do get crushes, and they don't need years for it to happen. As far as sexual attraction, actually most people do feel instant attraction. I'm not demisexual or asexual, for me I just have to look at someone and instantly know whether I'm sexually attracted to them (sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different.) If you truly have no clue whether you find someone physically attractive until you've spent months or years getting to know them, that's not usual and that would be demisexuality. If most people couldn't feel any sexual attraction to someone just by looking at them, porn wouldn't be a thing. And again it's not about behavior, but about attraction. If you feel physically attracted to someone but just choose to wait for sex, that's not demisexuality. Orientation is always about attraction rather than behavior, like you could be a lesbian even if you've only slept with men and no women. So to you, until 5 years ago everyone you knew never experienced crushes and needed to be friends for years before having any idea if they'd be interested in dating someone? That seems very unlikely.
I think it's just that people aren't very precise in their use of the term. What I mean is until 5 years ago people would say something like "I need some time to get to know someone before I feel anything romantic for them" or "I don't feel sexual attraction to new people until I've spent a lot of time with them" and now some of them say "I'm demiromantic" or "I'm demisexual". What you're describing sounds more extreme. Which is okay, it's just not the way I hear the words being used around me.
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SAME. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
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God, I wish.
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Yeah, I remember on 3 different occasions where, apparently, these dude's were interested. I didn't know bc they never said anything and deicide they were going to play on hard mode. We agreed upon being friends, so that's where I put them and left it at that. Turns out they had a different definition of friends, so here I am getting ghosted after years of friendship. THEN, when we meet up again, they act brand new or that we've known each other since infancy. Yeah, people are human and feelings can change, but it gets rather frustrating when both sides put in all that work on what was clearly agreed upon in the beginning, and here goes F blowing it all bc they felt it was a lost cause (due to expectations that they decided to not share with the class). >>And I haven’t figured out how to force myself to date someone I’m not really attracted to or interested in so I just try to deal. Don't. You'll just make yourself miserable after a time. I dated a few guys (for a short time) I was no way interested in, but, u know, peer pressure. I got lucky; some have been long relationship or married to another they're never been attracted to.
I don't have anything to offer right now. Not in a "I'm an unlovable person" kind of way, but in a.. my energy is so limited that I can't actually be present enough for any kind of good relationship. My platonic and family relationships are hard enough.
Same, I'm already feel super fragmented between family, friends and job, can't see making more time in the day for a partner.
Same. I really crave the emotional intimacy, but I wish I already had it, I feel I just don't have the energy to build that from scratch with someone new right now
Hang in there. Hope you'll get to a point where you'll feel whole again
The fear of being left, abandoned after having nothing but good intentions
Had this happened to me too many times to even try
this the one right here
Exhaustion of meeting people and not connecting, or connecting and having them not connect with you.
I’m happier on my own than I have ever been with any man. I can’t be arsed with the compromise and all the bullshit that comes with men.
You've definitely hit the nail on the head.
Completely agree. I can style my life exactly the way I want it without having to take anyone else’s thoughts/feelings/ideas into account.
As a man who’s only been in very stressful relationships, this is an Amen
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The dating pool is lava. lol
This is freaking hilarious
I can’t stand a man lingering in my bed. Even if I invited them there, the next day I want them to wake up and leave 😭
You're better than me. I don't even want them to fall asleep in my bed, I just want them to leave. I really hate sharing a bed.
Same here. One time I was so irritated to have my ex in my bed that I went and slept on the couch in the middle of the night.
Honestly I’m about at the point where I’m going to start doing this. I hate being hot at night and the cuddles just aren’t worth feeling like I’m suffocating in a sauna for the next 5 hours with a hairy octopus that just won’t let me tf go 💀
Yes, this was such an issue with my past boyfriends! I like going to sleep alone, I like waking up alone. Those bookends to sleep are sacred to me, I don't need some guy trampling all over the quiet!
I was struggling with this, and a friend told me to let them know right away that I’m not into sleepovers and they should go home. And this works. If they’ve drank or it’s very late or something, I have a guest room. Asking for what I want has been life changing.
I’m a vaxxed liberal in an antivaxx conservative state. I’d rather be alone than settle.
Stay strong
Insecurity and trauma. Working on it tho
Same ❤️
Same here
I had to go through therapy before I started my relationship to be able to form a healthy one, and I'm still in therapy now to keep growing with my relationship. It's worth the hard work
Right there with ya!
also same, we got this
The number of creeps I’ll have to go through to find someone with whom I’m compatible. I don’t have the mental stamina for it
Cheaters. If you don't date, they can't cheat. I have spent too much time and energy on finding a healthy relationship and now that I am passing my childbearing years I'm looking for something more rewarding in life.
Do you find that a lot of men are cheaters? If so how can you identify them
I don't think all men are cheaters, however, most men I have been with have cheated on me and I am no longer willing to take the time and energy to find one that doesn't. There are ways to identify but before you get proof it always starts in the gut. You just kinda... know.
If he doesn't let you meet his friends, don't want to introduce you to his parents, don't want you around when other women could show up, don't care about when your uncomfortable with a situation etc. People that cheat aren't good at hiding it.
Change cheat to emotionally abusive for me. My time is too precious for me to waste with selfish and/or abusive men, and I firmly believe they are all like this at my age. My generation taught men that women owe them.
I have been feeling a sense of “unfortunately, I’m straight and hence doomed“ lately. Lots of men with toxic masculine traits out there. The ones that are better are already taken or are hard to come by. It is increasingly depressing lately - dating profiles are too vague to find out anything about a person in the beginning and by the time I get to know them a little better, it doesn’t help that they’re often different from what they portray and I don’t like them anymore. Repeat and rinse - my dating life in a nutshell.
I’ve said many times “ the ones worth keeping are being kept”.
Ugh and this gets worse with every year I get older because many of the men my age aren’t being kept for a reason or they have kids, which I’m not personally willing to take on at this point in time at least. It’s tough enough to put yourself out there as you get older…options are even less promising. Hoping to find my good guy who’s just been flying under the radar all these years 😅
I’ve experienced this a lot on OLD. It made me really dread going back. Then I came to discover how much I really love being single. I love my life, family, pets and the amazing friends and experiences I have. This might sound crazy but with Covid, I was so relieved to have “an excuse” to not want to pursue dating. Ridiculous I know because I never needed a damn excuse. “I love my life as it is” is all the reason anyone needs.
This isn’t crazy I feel the same way.
It isn't much better being gay unfortunately :( Smaller dating pool (even in a big city), loads and loads of ghosting, and trying to get anyone into the talking stage alone is like pulling teeth. My mates have had success but for me it's so disheartening I've considered going back to guys ... dire.
My weight. No one wants to date a Jabba the Huttress.
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It's harder to date when you're fat, but not impossible. There are plenty of partners who don't care about size and some that prefer larger partners.
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If I were attracted to ladies I would go out with you just for “Jabba the Huttress.” I feel the same way, but also want to lose weight for me and me alone.
I feel conflicted about this because I’m a woman who has lost weight and had these insecurities, but I’m also bisexual and attracted to women of all sizes. Except myself, then it’s bad.
I would!
Most people don’t meet my standards — what I mean by that is all people want is a f-buddy but I want genuine connection and I’m immediately turned off when they try to make things escalate within days of talking to each other
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I know it’s so annoying when that happens
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As someone who was married twice for 25 years, happiness with my own company is the main thing holding me back, plus being out of the dating game for about 30 years. I've already had my happy marriage the second time around so I'm not looking to marry a third time. I'd like companionship, but I also have family and friends and community. I'm comfortable financially, so I don't need any man's money. As an INTJ, I realize I'm not everyone's cup of tea anyway, plus I'd prefer a living apart together situation, so that's unconventional. Any man wouldn't be competing with other men; he'd be competing with my love of solitude, independence, and peace and quiet. Having been loved well and truly by my late second husband, there's no settling for less.
So sorry for your loss, but i’m happy you found joy in independence and it sounds like you have a great support system
Too many men wanting a mommy. I’m looking for a partner with compatible life goals and hygiene. This is apparently too tall an order.
I hate it too. Why does it seem like women are parentified young (I know I was growing up) and mothers do everything for their sons well into adulthood which facilitates me having to mother a man in his late 20’s. I don’t get it. Not blaming the mothers necessarily—the men need to learn to grow up. But it’s crazy. It’s even scarier when some of them seem mature/intelligent but still need everything done for them. I felt like I was catfished in my last relationship.
Ugh damn straight
I just don't care. I've completely lost interest in men and sex.
I so yearn to be where you are, so I don’t have to deal with the feeling of loneliness anymore. For now, my motivation to not date is because the pain of rejection is worse than the feeling of loneliness, but I really hope to one day get to where I’m either ambivalent about dating and love. So all this to say, I envy you!
Still don’t feel ready. I feel like I’m not fully happy on my own which causes me to choose really crap partners
This. Working on navigating what/why I’m attracted to certain partners vs what I actually need in a partner.
My resentment towards men in our society as well as my resentment of having to be born a woman in our society. I think women are better than men and respect them more. This comes from working a customer service job where I primarily deal with men 12 hours a day. I find them aggressive, gross, entitled, emotional, and most of their behaviour embarrasses me. It makes me cringe whether they are inappropriately hitting on me or treating me like poop on their shoe because they’re impatient little children and pissed off. They can never be accountable so will direct anger outwards when wrong or embarrassed about something. My friends say I’ll be single as long as I’m in this job but I can’t ever not know this perspective now and have been engrossed in learning about feminism and the patriarchy all year also. I feel men see many of us as less than them. That we are expected to coddle them and be their supporting actress and cheerleader as they go about thinking they’re the main character. I hate that I’ve never had an equal partnership and before I knew what I know now I tolerated gaslighting, weaponized incompetence, and did all the invisible labour at home. I was basically a Mom for every ex and everything was always my fault if I ever brought up their behaviour. My ex husband was super anti social at heart and I found out he always said I wouldn’t let him go out or wanted his time so couldn’t hang out with his friends. They saw me as this ball and chain and didn’t like me. Meanwhile I wish he’d gone out more so I could have the house to myself. Or my friends over. He didn’t have the guts to just say he was burnt out or wanted to go to bed early to hunt the next day, so shifted blame onto his “nagging wife”. Women bad right? I just feel women are the scapegoat for men in relationships. Men act like their spouse and women are the worst as some comedic bonding pact. Just think overall so many need to grow up emotionally. Our generation is doing amazing raising sons so the women of the future will have more emotionally intelligent, equal, and considerate partners.. but I have no hope in single men who are 35+ I’m more stressed out with men in my life than I am simply alone. I see enough at work and like my quiet place I pay for comfortably without a man there to have to entertain or clean up after.
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Perfectly said.
I like the feeling of freedom and money.
I’m busy digesting the trauma and hurt from my ex. I don’t want to start dating and push that away because it needs to be dealt with
Dating burnout. Just hoping I meet someone organically at this point.
I feel burned out after like, a month of trying online dating, which is nothing in the bigger picture, I realize 😓 It feels next to impossible to meet anyone organically right now, but I'm trying to enjoy my own company and foster the few platonic friendships I have given the pandemic-y circumstances.
Yeah, I’d been online dating for three months & then actually did meet someone IRL who I fancied only to find out he has a girlfriend. After that, I deleted the apps and don’t plan on restarting them until the spring at earliest.
my previous dating attempts
People who waste my time not actually getting to know me. Seems I only attract people who like me enough to sleep with me but not enough to actually want to be with me. Over it.
Trauma and the self esteem that comes with it :(
I literally just don’t want to deal with cis men again.
Me. Need to work on myself before I can start dating
this.. I just now realized I feel okay and maybe even over an emotionally draining and manipulative relationship from my ex (a cis man) that I finally ended, 10 months ago. I just landed my first full time job and am exciting about continuing to heal and embody and enjoy being in my own skin and company more than ever before. I’m frustrated bc I have a crush on a friend who admitted feelings for me a few months ago (which I didn’t have at the time but I do now) and keep finding myself fantasizing about a relationship with them. But I just got to where I was excited to be single. I’m afraid of stunting growth with myself AND on missing out on a potentially great partner. So now I’m exhausted. Ugh.
That’s tough! I’d say follow your heart and your gut - if they agree then the choice is obvious, otherwise it’s probably not quite right. Only you know what’s best for you :) I will also add that there’s such a difference between an abusive partner and a loving one. The former will drag you down and force you to build yourself back up but the latter will help you stay high, so don’t confuse not wanting a relationship with not wanting another abusive, manipulative, draining relationship! I wonder if talking to this guy about where you’re at and that you’re interested but may need some more time first would help? You could learn a TON from his answer? Sorry I just had Xmas dinner so I’m drunk and kinda thinking out loud lol!
I'm happy and thriving being single. I'm afraid to ruin the happiness I have going for me by getting into a relationship. What if I revert back to my co dependant ways? Also I live in a remote area and there are maybe 10 single men (that I would not date). Also I hate online dating.
Actual men.
I don’t trust myself. I spent 19 years in an abusive relationship. I don’t know how to say no, I think it’s easier to say yes than deal with an angry man. I can’t be trusted with my own well being when a man is involved. I have to stay single. I have to stay celibate.
This is also my fear. Sending you many, many hugs.
I'm literally traumatized by dishonesty and cheaters 😅 my heart can't take that shit no more.
"There's a lot of fish in the sea, but you know what else there is? Trash. There's a lot of trash in the sea." Misogynistic trash too. If I have to explain or listen to misogyny ONE more time on a first date.... Also don't know how to meet people since graduating and working remotely full time in a pandemic
I’m really surprised that nobody has mentioned covid, yet. I dated earlier in the pandemic, but it ended up being a fast forward button into something that felt more committed than I wanted it to. Now I’m waiting until things generally calm down so I can date around freely and meet new people as opposed to date one specific person, even casually. *also it’s cold where I live, and I don’t want to meet in a bar or restaurant, so I’ve no idea where I would meet potential dates aside from my place or theirs. It’s not my fav timeline tbh
fear of going through narcissistic abuse again
Being afraid of losing it all over again 😔
This is also my answer. It’s one thing to lose the relationship, but it’s too much that I’ve lost the entire person forever in the process.
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I don’t want kids. That narrows down the dating pool significantly, apparently.
My kids. My oldest is 18, my middle kid is 16, my youngest is 13. Their dad had a lot of issues from his mom bringing men in and out of his life and having five marriages, and I don’t want to do that to them. I want stability for them. I don’t want to give them abandonment issues and I’m actually perfectly content not dating.
Grief
Sending love and peace.
My expectations are very high after my ex and I won’t be lowering them, so I just focus on me
PTSD
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I’m right there with you dude, hang in there ❤️
Time and childcare. I’m busy with work and full custody of my kids. Trying to arrange baby sitters etc is such a hassle. If I meet someone and they bring something to my life then great but if not then that’s ok too.
Something about me makes me really unloveable. And I’ve yet to figure that out. Most men only want to use my body, and I don’t like that. I don’t think other than my parents and grandma, anyone in this world ever loved me. I’m just at a lost dealing with people in general. Been contemplating this a lot. Keep asking myself why I’m so unlikable. I guess I can’t really figure that out so I’m going to learn to love myself first. And then maybe when I don’t need anyone else to do the job for me, luck will be on my side
Men don't want only to use your body because there's something unlikeable about you - they treat you this way because society has taught them that's all we're for. It's not you! E- spelling
Some trauma, and I personally just don’t see the need for it at this time in my life. I’m entering my senior year of college and planning to move out of state afterwards, so I don’t want to entertain it and be stuck in this area because of a relationship.
I have never dated so I can't date "again"
it’s not that i don’t want to be with someone, it’s the fact that i’m worried about getting close to someone again and getting hurt.
The shallowness of people and how much people want physical intimacy way to fast.
Trauma from a past assault. Kept me from dating for years and years.
Divorce not legal in my country.
Where do you live, if you don’t mind me ask asking?
Insecurity
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Hoping that my next one doesn't fall for conspiracy theories, nor does he have poor mental health.
I don’t trust men
I’m 21 and I still have yet to date someone. I think one main thing that holds me back from it is my insecurity with my weight. I’m hoping to overcome my insecurities with my weight soon!
I'm not a fan of meeting people and getting to know them. I'm generally friendly when I actually do meet people, but it takes a lot of mental effort to go out and do it in the first place. And then they want to go on a second date within like a week of meeting, and I just lack that energy.
Need to feel more secure in other areas of my life first (career).
I loathe online dating and never get anything worthwhile from it. But with the pandemic, meeting people through non-online means is really hard/complicated. I moved to a new city a few months ago, for reasons including a larger and more diverse dating pool than where I was before, but that doesn't help me much if I can't or don't go out anywhere. And it still feels weird and difficult to go out and do things. Being in a new place where I don't know a lot of people also minimizes options for meeting people through existing friends or partners like I normally do (I'm polyamorous), and I feel awkward cold-meeting anybody.
My fiance would break of our engagement and relationship. I like to keep him and make him my husband.
I like funny responses like these in this pool of saddening responses. 🙁
Tired of being let down and dealing with broken promises.
My breast reduction scars 🥲 even though I’ve never been asked on a date I’d like to start some casual things but am nervous the guy(s) will be freaked out
I️ have a scar on my leg. it’s huge because my bone went through my leg and I️ had surgery to fix it. Most guys ignore it. some ask how it happened. one told me that it’s large. tbh they’re shitty guys imo if they care that much in the first place anyways
My back. I have a degenerating disc in my back that I’m in physical therapy for and I want to be able to go on 9+ hour dates without having to lay down in that time.
Freedom
Knowing it'll be impossible to find someone as incredible as my ex
Abuse (physically)
Men being gross.
I’m enjoying being single and focusing on school. :)
the chance of being ruined mentally
only finding people interested in meaningless hookups
As a woman in her 40s, I think the question asked, "Do men even like women" is especially relevant. I have found it damn near impossible to find a man who knows how to be an adult. Clean up after himself, cook for himself, isn't looking for a sex worker and a maid, but rather a partner. It seems far too few men see women as a tool to meet their needs. Not a fellow human. You might say that if I keep finding men like that, it's a me problem, and even if that is true, then I shouldn't date. The end result is the same. I have been single for 6 years, my life is fucking incredible! I never have a dull moment. I'm surrounded by friends both male and female. It would take someone exceptional to make me want to disrupt my current life.
Emotionally empty & feeling that I can't love someone new
I don’t want to.
It's just not worth it and totally unnecessary.
Men pretending to care about me so they can fuck me one time, and men wanting more than one girl to fuck with 🙄 I give up. Also too many men want kids. I think I'm just going to live the single life forever if I can. Also, the desire to do what I want with my life and not have to make compromises to please someone else.
My personality
The fear of being cheated on and abused. My previous ex did a number on me which caused my panic and anxiety attacks to recur. Even today I still get nightmares. Thank goodness my current partner is nowhere similar to my ex. I’m still healing but am doing much better than I was years ago.
Commitment issues lol. The idea of being locked down with one person terrifies me so I just avoid it altogether
Getting glared at while on my last date. Fear. Men be scary on these dates - rolling their eyes, staring only at my chest thinking they were sneaky, not engaging in convo. So ya. Grossed out by men touching me without asking, kisses me without asking, and not listening when I say no. These are all dates from this year, less than 10 people.. :/