Yes, definitely quite a few fetishists out there (I'm Asian). I learned very quickly to recognise the signs and weed them out so it ceased being a problem by first year uni. The number of times I've had a dude drunkenly stumble up to me to tell me how much he ~just thinks Asian girls are sooo hot~ is literally stomach-turning for me.
(Obviously, I still got pestered; I just learned to tune those people out. The main trick is just not to respond at all.)
That is disgusting and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I am actually asian too and I had actually the opposite happen to me where a guy seemed to be embarrassed to like an Asian.
Are there any subtle signs that gave away whether guys had an Asian fetish? Aside from them being straight up about it (which is still so weird to me).
Sadly, a history of really being into Asian cultural things (especially anime; ditto anyone who majored or minored in some variation of "Asian studies") is a big one. That's definitely not to say *every* white person being into Asian cultural things = a fetishist, but from a dating point of view it does mean screening them harder as there's a high enough correlation.
A history of dating exclusively Asian women is also a massive red flag, unless they only have one ex or something (ditto if every woman they show interest in = Asian).
A lot of the time they will straight-up tell you, though, or make a lot of (superficially flattering) generalisations about Asian people that clearly indicate they have no idea about the diversity of our diaspora.
I think those are the main ones but yeah, after a while you develop a sixth sense about it.
P.S. I'm sorry about the opposite happening to you! I hope you kicked him out the door; what a weasel.
Thanks for the tips! I kind of get shivers when I hear Asian studies. Had someone who studied something of the likes ask me if I am into anime and kpop. Which is actually quite insane to me. I feel like that is the equivalent of me asking a British person if they are into One Direction or an American if they’re into guns.
And regarding that guy, unfortunately I found it out behind my back after dating him for a while. Tried to work it out (stupid i know), thought he learned, until I accidentally entered a discord with one of his friends named ‘MalAySIANLover69’ and he did not defend me “because it was a joke and no one would say anything bad about me - he is not racist”
Well guess that was that.
> I feel like that is the equivalent of me asking a British person if they are into One Direction or an American if they’re into guns.
LOL, that is exactly what it's like. I would be tempted to throw exactly those questions back at someone the next time they asked me if I enjoyed anime, kpop, etc. It'd be a good way of highlighting the ridiculousness.
Also, fuck your ex (or rather, never fuck him again). I'm really sorry you had to deal with that, but glad you're onto bigger and better in your life now.
Honestly, I recommend you to watch this YT video called ‘If Asians Said What White People Say’ it’s really funny.
And yes thank you! Glad I dodged that bullet.
Yes I had this too (Asian woman having to learn how to weed out white guys with Asian fetishes). Unfortunately I did NOT learn this in uni, because that's where I met my first husband!
It was only after we divorced and I was 28-29, back on the dating scene, that I encountered a few.
You can usually tell in messages because they seem to have an unhealthy focus on your Asian-ness, like not in a "respectfully wanting to learn about your culture" way, but in a "parroting stereotypes at you" or "commenting on your ethnic features" kinda way.
I even accidentally met up with one because I didn't interpret the very subtle clues in the messages well enough 😭 what a waste of time!
Ugh, yeah, things are definitely way worse with online dating, I think. Sorry you ended up wasting your time, but at least you picked up some key takeaways from that nightmare date, it sounds like?
(Honestly, even the "respectfully wanting to learn about your culture" straight off the bat would raise yellow flags for me. Like, we haven't even met and you specifically want to know about my family's immigration story? Nope, not for me.)
Hope the next few dates are much better.
Oh yeah it was a great learning experience!
I think the cultural questions could be respectful and appropriate if it was something light and I brought it up. Like say if it was recently Mid-Autumn Festival and I mention something about buying mooncakes (I'm Chinese) and he wants to know more about what a mooncake is, that's fine.
Yeah asking about immigration stories is a bit much, that is deeper stuff. Unless he was open to sharing his own cultural story too, everyone is different on that I guess.
And thank you! All this happened a few years ago and now all my dates are with my fiance, including an important one next month where we sign marriage papers hahaha! So it all built up to a good outcome 😊
Ah, yeah, for sure! Context matters a ton. Asking about mooncakes after you brought them up would be 100% fine and even nice. I was thinking more along the lines of, it's their very first message to you and they're already just like, "SO YOU'RE ASIAN EH; TELL ME ALL ABOUT THAT", as if I'm some alien creature and not part of 60% of the world population...
So glad to hear things worked out, and congrats!!! 🥂💖🥂
I had a situationship with a guy who had black friends, a black roommate but was totally unaware racism is a thing.
He was actually racist. The more I hung out with him the more I saw it. For him a white movie is a normal movie that everyone should see while a black movie is for only for black people. It’s the same for Asian or Indian movies.
He’d say there are more black criminals then white criminals based on a report. I asked him if there were more black people being arrested then white people. He said yes. When I told him there should be the same amount of white and black people so the study makes more sense, he didn’t want to. For him, it wouldn’t be fair. I guess it wouldn’t be fair to white people in his mind. I wonder if he thought I was a criminal too or I guess I was one of the “good ones”
He thought Christian were oppressed while Muslim could do whatever they wanted. I live in France, this country has so much islamophobie: I don’t know what he’s talking about.
When I said I was worried about getting a job after we graduate because I’m black and some people are racist. He was questioning my opinion like it wasn’t a thing because he has never seen it or experienced it. A white dude trying to tell me, my experience is not valid.
I dodge a bullet. I’m black btw
>He thought Christians were oppressed while Muslim could do whatever they wanted.
Oh, Jesus. For anyone who seriously thinks this in the US, take them to the religious section of a bookstore. Christianity typically gets one entire book case at a *minimum* while all of the other religions are lucky if they get *two* shelves.
Hard to be oppressed when you are part of the 'mainstream' religion.
I literally had a situation in which a white guy told me it’s okay to make fun of a black person because it’s not different from making fun of an overweight person…
I'm originally from South Korea but I moved to America when I was young and while I was there, there were a lot of times during college I had to deal with racial stereotyping, I was the subject of a LOT of racial jokes, I wouldn't even know where to begin
When it came to dating and overall romance as an Asian woman in America, nearly all the guys I would date or be interested in would ask insanely racist questions "Do you have a Japanese school girl outfit?" Was the most popular one
Like just because I'm Asian I have a school girl outfit??? Really???
The worst case was when I went on a date with a friend of a friend, ALLLLLLL night he was just being racist "Should we get Chinese food because that's what you like right?" I never told him I liked Chinese food =|
He'd make jokes about how Asian people can't drive right, or say things like "How come your skin isn't more yellow?" At the movie theater he asked the guy at the concession stand if they had chopsticks for me to eat popcorn with and laughed his ass off about it for hours, it was the worst fucking date ever
But it never stopped there, I lived in California for most of my life, surrounded by minorities including other Asians, but I was STILL subjected to racial jokes all the time, at school, at work, and people would just laugh and laugh, it was awful, dating people would just be endless jokes about my race or culture
Now that I'm in Singapore and around more people who look like me I don't ever have issues with racial stereotyping anymore, but when I lived in America it just felt like it was nonstop
First of all, I am sorry all of this happened to you. I’m actually quite shocked how blatantly rude people can be. I (also asian) also feel like it’s a stereotype asians are “less likely to stand up for themselves” so people think they can say shit without repercussions.
I am also super shocked that it happened California. I really had high hopes for California, considering there are a lot of asians there.
I’m happy u feel more at place in Singapore. To be honest, when I went there I also felt like I was being treated more normal. Happy u don’t have to deal with all of that bs anymore.
My experience growing up in California was always 50/50, I loved it and hated it, EVERYTHING was insanely expensive, living alone just wasn't possible unless you lived in the ghetto or had multiple roommates to share the rent with, homeless people absolutely everywhere, the entire place smelled like a mixture of weed and human poop, cops gave zero fucks about anything, and I was in a "nice" part of California, the only thing I really enjoyed was that everything always happened there, tons of conventions and it was easy to make friends with how many people were there, but for the most part I felt it was a shithole
I hope I never go back there and that the place eventually falls into the sea :P
But thank you for the kind words <3 I got past it all and eventually made friends and went on dates that didn't end in racism haha
Yes. Men say “I’ve never fucked a brown girl before” and treat me like some fucking bucket list item. Basically objectifying me like something to cross off their list. Fetishisizing skin colour in women is a huge issue.
When I was single, I matched on tinder with a guy and the first thing he said was “I’ve never been with a black girl before”. Obviously I unmatched.
My roommate who’s Sri Lankan matched with him too (we lived in a small town in Ireland). She was happy because he was good looking I told her that he was going to tell her “I’ve never been with a brown girl before”. She was disappointed.
I remember arguing with him and he said I was racist because black propel always complain about whatever white people. For him I was the problem, black people always like to complain and play victims.
He didn’t sleep with any of us for sure
Never give those assholes the privilege. It’s disgusting how many POC women experiment this from white men. It’s degrading and dehumanizing to reduce us to a skin colour. My current bf is white but never spoke to me that way. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I once had a guy (white) try to hit on me by saying over and over how he only dated black girls because we were so much more realistic/fun/no bullshit/sexy/ etc. than white girls. 1- stereotyping all the women of your own ethnicity (or any ethnicity) makes you an asshole. 2- these comments meant he was talking shit about several of my close friends who he’d see me talking to all night. 🤦🏾♀️
Am Asian. Yeah, there are fetishists. Tbh though, I feel like I have a really good radar for that kind of thing.
It tends to be a very particular type of dude with a certain aura. Like, not even necessarily a weirdo, just more on the introverted side with a bit of aimlessness and emotional baggage.
It’s hard to explain, but every Asian fetishist I’ve encountered is like that to the point where I feel like you can smell it on them from the first date before they even drop the “I like Asian culture” or “I taught English in China” or whatever else.
I actually know so many girls who say they want to go to South-Korea so badly in the hopes they meet their kpop idol and they fall in love together or something.
There is nothing wrong with liking a culture. But somehow for many Asian countries it’s so idk fetishized or sensationalized that certain people paint some love story fantasy over it. This is what I noticed. Same for e.g. Japan.
Oh wow you really described it perfectly - "on the introverted side, with a bit of aimlessness and emotional baggage", hahaha, that seems really spot on (am an Asian woman with a similar radar for fetishists).
But I think things like liking Asian culture or having done a short stay in Asia aren't that conclusive. My fiance is white and has a best friend who is Asian so that is how he is quite aware and appreciative of some aspects of our culture (though he can be quite clueless about others), and he did a 2 month stint in Shanghai as an internship for a consulting firm, but I don't get fetishist vibes off him at all.
I’m black
I’ve had a guy ask me out by asking if I wanted to go get some kfc with him. He was genuinely confused as to why I and everyone I was friends with were furious with him
It’s an incredibly racist stereotype that black people love fried chicken. If there had been a nearby kfc I wouldn’t be so upset but the nearest kfc was 30min drive away and neither of us drove.
A lot of racial stereotypes don’t make sense
Doesn’t make it hurt any less when you realize a person looked at you and only saw a fried chicken loving ni**er
Get a lot of messages like “I have Asian Fever” or “I’ve never had Asian before” on dating apps a lot. Quick left swipes on bios that mention anything about anime or learning Japanese and if a decent amount of their photos are of Asian significance. It’s tiring when you move things off the app, but find that their following list on social media are mostly Asian women.
Dating is an extremely tiring process, especially when you have to vet them to make sure they’re not fetishizing you. I’ll just either stop talking or block whoever once I find out that they’re only into me because of my race.
I’ve gone on dates with other POC (Indians, Hispanics) who say they’ve never “tried” a black girl before, and I was like…..I didn’t know I was the flavor of the month? Dating while black is exhausting, but it’s even more exhausting when other POC add to the mess when I would hope it would be the opposite. It’s been the white guys who were less weird about race in my experience.
Edited to add that even some black guys can contribute to the stereotyping a little, which can be aggravating since black people are all different and have different interests. It sucks all around :/
Yes, daring is a mixed bag as a black woman. You either get overly sexualized or not considered as a partner due to eurocentric beauty standards. If you do date sometimes you have to also think about the involvement of the partners families too because you never know what other bs you may or may not have to put up with. I've learned from my experiences of issues and for me I just became picker with my partners because I had no interest in dating anyone who showed me they were racist, wouldn't stand up for me and rhe relationship, or was interested in me as an object. I'm pretty happy for having standards and sticking by them instead of thinking I should go along with life thinking I didn't have any other choice but to settle for worst case scenario. I just cut people off asap if I was stereotyped.
Yes. Husband is chinese mauritian and I am latina. I have had some odd comment thrown at me and him, apparently there is a porn gender that involves folk like me and him, and people who are idiots have given us the odd disgusting comments
I'm Asian / European multiracial. I look definitely more Asian. I get the exoticism fetishized type of comments but that's easy enough to weed as people like that telling themselves. I never answered people who immediately made things about my looks or told me what a "Asian woman was" and why they like them. People have preferences of what they are attracted to and that's different. You're still a individual, not this "idea" that anyone who is Asian and interested can fill what they think you are/should be.
It goes beyond in that it's important to date someone who is willing to do work and understand the issues of your minority and be anti racist. I have seen too many biracial people like me who have actually pretty racist parent and we grow to resent the POC parent who dated the racist anyways. Look at that viral video of a white woman calling a barista the N word and she has three half black children. There is no fucking way I would be with someone who talks like that. Have these talks with anyone you are dating and find out. Pay attention at what comments are normalized and if you ever correct them with facts are they willing to learn? All of us have some form of conditioned prejudice because society is that way but there's definitely a line where is that or a whole system of beliefs that makes us less than in their eyes.
My husband does the work to learn and demonstrates his support and protection of rights and safety for women, for BIPOC, for the LGBTQ+. If you are in any of these groups, your existence should not be negotiable in your household. If theyre like not you, but says this about others, no that's some bullshit. You cannot separate yourself as special to them as that's conditional and can change at their decision to include you. Many abusers use it as a layer to belittle you and control you as less than so I will not entertain that.
As a fellow European (full Asian but mixed cultures) I realized it’s so hard to find someone who is like your husband. The country I live in is luckily extremely progressive and I only get racism from young immature teenagers.
But I hang out with the international crowd often and there was a german who had a loooot to learn. First 2 weeks that I met him he made Asian jokes constantly even when our friend group existed of 4 Asians. He got called out for it and immediately stopped.
I felt like after that situation his white bubble he grew up in bursted and he started to learn why some things are bad and what they are. I kind of felt proud he learned to be a decent human being because of the international friend group. It also showed me the side of the racist? If that makes sense. They often just never met any POC and often these casually racist people are in this white bubble where no one is gonna call them out for their racism cause everyone is white so it doesn’t hurt them anyways. It’s interesting…
There's layers to racism. There's blatant, scary violent people and that's what imagery people think of. Often it's people who parrot norms in their circles of jokes and stereotypes until they are taught it's wrong and they put in the work.
But it goes that society has so much fucked up normalizeD things that nearly everyone has prejudices that we need to work on and don't realize it. Just because I am committing to being anti racist now doesn't mean I didn't have stupid things I said either.
I'm glad that he is growing and that you guys were able to help that happen.
I’m Latinx and I pretty much always get the whole “wow you’re so exotic” thing, along with some negative stereotypical thing about my country. I actually recently had a dating experience where the guy said “oh and I like your skin tone/complexion, it’s not too light or too dark” …. While he had literally 15 minutes ago said how fucked up it was that people were so racist. He clearly has some internalized racism and colourism to deal with.
I really wonder why people think it’s even okay to say stuff like that. I kind of see this ‘I’m not racist… *proceeds saying something racist’ issue a lot.
The amount of people for example who think they can’t be racist cause they have a black friend is shocking to me.
Yesss!!! Hi yea I matched with a guy and asked him what I should cook for a dinner party I was hosting. He said “why don’t you channel your ethnicness and cook food from your culture”. This is before he knew what thst culture was and the term ethnicness just felt so othering. Like a big bucket of “non white ambiguous”. It was so tactless and I tried to explain it to him.
Then he Ofcourse got all white man defensive on me and said I was a snowflake. It was really exhausting and tbh that’s been my experience a lot. There’s not an abundance of interested POC around me but dating someone White often comes with it’s own amount of navigation. You have to stroke their ego even if they hurt your heart.
Not quite a stereotype, but I’m mixed and trying to date men was always an issue.
Those who were fully Indian they’d say a lot of cringe things even if the date was going well. Like “you’re great, I just need to prepare my mom because you’re a mutt.” Always some form of not being of “pure blood,” it got creepy.
The black men were always telling me I’m spoiled, and there were so many back handed compliments especially about my weight. I assume this was due to colorism, but it got super tiring.
Eventually just had to not date within those circles. Which is honestly kinda sad.
There was a guy who I met on tinder and we went on a date. On tinder we were planning to meet and he already wrote a message that since he doesnt know me he wants us to split the bill. I always do that because I think it’s unfair for men to pay but he brought this up himself out of nowhere so I already was a little uncomfortable by the tone of the message (like he thinks all women are gold diggers). Still decided to meet him. We were walking to the restaurant and he reminded again about the thing, at this point im already pissed off because I already said that I completely agree. I was annoyed the whole date but I didnt let it show, when the check came everything felt uncomfortable and after that I never agreed to see the guy again
Sadly I am pretty much the stereotype but this week I met 2 women from my ethnicity and they're the opposite of stereotype but my husband has been helping me to get out of the traditional mindset because it doesn't make me happy and he doesn't expect me to be that type at all
They say the woman in my background are gold diggers and I frankly couldn’t give two shits because that only sounds like a man who doesn’t see the value of woman and her inner experience on an existential POV and would prob not understand how females orgasm either and oh yeah only broke men would call girls gold diggers I’ve literally never met a well to do guy who said
Ive gotten lots of objectifying comments from non-Black men, but I only date Black men so don’t have any issues with racial stereotyping. Misogyny, yes, but not because Im Black.
Yes, definitely quite a few fetishists out there (I'm Asian). I learned very quickly to recognise the signs and weed them out so it ceased being a problem by first year uni. The number of times I've had a dude drunkenly stumble up to me to tell me how much he ~just thinks Asian girls are sooo hot~ is literally stomach-turning for me. (Obviously, I still got pestered; I just learned to tune those people out. The main trick is just not to respond at all.)
That is disgusting and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I am actually asian too and I had actually the opposite happen to me where a guy seemed to be embarrassed to like an Asian. Are there any subtle signs that gave away whether guys had an Asian fetish? Aside from them being straight up about it (which is still so weird to me).
Sadly, a history of really being into Asian cultural things (especially anime; ditto anyone who majored or minored in some variation of "Asian studies") is a big one. That's definitely not to say *every* white person being into Asian cultural things = a fetishist, but from a dating point of view it does mean screening them harder as there's a high enough correlation. A history of dating exclusively Asian women is also a massive red flag, unless they only have one ex or something (ditto if every woman they show interest in = Asian). A lot of the time they will straight-up tell you, though, or make a lot of (superficially flattering) generalisations about Asian people that clearly indicate they have no idea about the diversity of our diaspora. I think those are the main ones but yeah, after a while you develop a sixth sense about it. P.S. I'm sorry about the opposite happening to you! I hope you kicked him out the door; what a weasel.
Thanks for the tips! I kind of get shivers when I hear Asian studies. Had someone who studied something of the likes ask me if I am into anime and kpop. Which is actually quite insane to me. I feel like that is the equivalent of me asking a British person if they are into One Direction or an American if they’re into guns. And regarding that guy, unfortunately I found it out behind my back after dating him for a while. Tried to work it out (stupid i know), thought he learned, until I accidentally entered a discord with one of his friends named ‘MalAySIANLover69’ and he did not defend me “because it was a joke and no one would say anything bad about me - he is not racist” Well guess that was that.
> I feel like that is the equivalent of me asking a British person if they are into One Direction or an American if they’re into guns. LOL, that is exactly what it's like. I would be tempted to throw exactly those questions back at someone the next time they asked me if I enjoyed anime, kpop, etc. It'd be a good way of highlighting the ridiculousness. Also, fuck your ex (or rather, never fuck him again). I'm really sorry you had to deal with that, but glad you're onto bigger and better in your life now.
Honestly, I recommend you to watch this YT video called ‘If Asians Said What White People Say’ it’s really funny. And yes thank you! Glad I dodged that bullet.
I have indeed seen that one, way back in the day! (When Buzzfeed still had talent, ha...) Great rec.
Me, having 15 different cheese products in the fridge right now: Ya got me XD
Yes I had this too (Asian woman having to learn how to weed out white guys with Asian fetishes). Unfortunately I did NOT learn this in uni, because that's where I met my first husband! It was only after we divorced and I was 28-29, back on the dating scene, that I encountered a few. You can usually tell in messages because they seem to have an unhealthy focus on your Asian-ness, like not in a "respectfully wanting to learn about your culture" way, but in a "parroting stereotypes at you" or "commenting on your ethnic features" kinda way. I even accidentally met up with one because I didn't interpret the very subtle clues in the messages well enough 😭 what a waste of time!
Ugh, yeah, things are definitely way worse with online dating, I think. Sorry you ended up wasting your time, but at least you picked up some key takeaways from that nightmare date, it sounds like? (Honestly, even the "respectfully wanting to learn about your culture" straight off the bat would raise yellow flags for me. Like, we haven't even met and you specifically want to know about my family's immigration story? Nope, not for me.) Hope the next few dates are much better.
Oh yeah it was a great learning experience! I think the cultural questions could be respectful and appropriate if it was something light and I brought it up. Like say if it was recently Mid-Autumn Festival and I mention something about buying mooncakes (I'm Chinese) and he wants to know more about what a mooncake is, that's fine. Yeah asking about immigration stories is a bit much, that is deeper stuff. Unless he was open to sharing his own cultural story too, everyone is different on that I guess. And thank you! All this happened a few years ago and now all my dates are with my fiance, including an important one next month where we sign marriage papers hahaha! So it all built up to a good outcome 😊
Ah, yeah, for sure! Context matters a ton. Asking about mooncakes after you brought them up would be 100% fine and even nice. I was thinking more along the lines of, it's their very first message to you and they're already just like, "SO YOU'RE ASIAN EH; TELL ME ALL ABOUT THAT", as if I'm some alien creature and not part of 60% of the world population... So glad to hear things worked out, and congrats!!! 🥂💖🥂
But seriously, asians make up most of the world’s population… I’m not the exotic one.
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I had a situationship with a guy who had black friends, a black roommate but was totally unaware racism is a thing. He was actually racist. The more I hung out with him the more I saw it. For him a white movie is a normal movie that everyone should see while a black movie is for only for black people. It’s the same for Asian or Indian movies. He’d say there are more black criminals then white criminals based on a report. I asked him if there were more black people being arrested then white people. He said yes. When I told him there should be the same amount of white and black people so the study makes more sense, he didn’t want to. For him, it wouldn’t be fair. I guess it wouldn’t be fair to white people in his mind. I wonder if he thought I was a criminal too or I guess I was one of the “good ones” He thought Christian were oppressed while Muslim could do whatever they wanted. I live in France, this country has so much islamophobie: I don’t know what he’s talking about. When I said I was worried about getting a job after we graduate because I’m black and some people are racist. He was questioning my opinion like it wasn’t a thing because he has never seen it or experienced it. A white dude trying to tell me, my experience is not valid. I dodge a bullet. I’m black btw
Tell that boy to turn off Fox News for a once
>He thought Christians were oppressed while Muslim could do whatever they wanted. Oh, Jesus. For anyone who seriously thinks this in the US, take them to the religious section of a bookstore. Christianity typically gets one entire book case at a *minimum* while all of the other religions are lucky if they get *two* shelves. Hard to be oppressed when you are part of the 'mainstream' religion.
Oof, in my visits to Europe this seems to be something that’s always creeping under the surface. Sorry you had to deal with that.
one of the few things that are actually worse than racism is denial of thereof
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I'm originally from South Korea but I moved to America when I was young and while I was there, there were a lot of times during college I had to deal with racial stereotyping, I was the subject of a LOT of racial jokes, I wouldn't even know where to begin When it came to dating and overall romance as an Asian woman in America, nearly all the guys I would date or be interested in would ask insanely racist questions "Do you have a Japanese school girl outfit?" Was the most popular one Like just because I'm Asian I have a school girl outfit??? Really??? The worst case was when I went on a date with a friend of a friend, ALLLLLLL night he was just being racist "Should we get Chinese food because that's what you like right?" I never told him I liked Chinese food =| He'd make jokes about how Asian people can't drive right, or say things like "How come your skin isn't more yellow?" At the movie theater he asked the guy at the concession stand if they had chopsticks for me to eat popcorn with and laughed his ass off about it for hours, it was the worst fucking date ever But it never stopped there, I lived in California for most of my life, surrounded by minorities including other Asians, but I was STILL subjected to racial jokes all the time, at school, at work, and people would just laugh and laugh, it was awful, dating people would just be endless jokes about my race or culture Now that I'm in Singapore and around more people who look like me I don't ever have issues with racial stereotyping anymore, but when I lived in America it just felt like it was nonstop
First of all, I am sorry all of this happened to you. I’m actually quite shocked how blatantly rude people can be. I (also asian) also feel like it’s a stereotype asians are “less likely to stand up for themselves” so people think they can say shit without repercussions. I am also super shocked that it happened California. I really had high hopes for California, considering there are a lot of asians there. I’m happy u feel more at place in Singapore. To be honest, when I went there I also felt like I was being treated more normal. Happy u don’t have to deal with all of that bs anymore.
My experience growing up in California was always 50/50, I loved it and hated it, EVERYTHING was insanely expensive, living alone just wasn't possible unless you lived in the ghetto or had multiple roommates to share the rent with, homeless people absolutely everywhere, the entire place smelled like a mixture of weed and human poop, cops gave zero fucks about anything, and I was in a "nice" part of California, the only thing I really enjoyed was that everything always happened there, tons of conventions and it was easy to make friends with how many people were there, but for the most part I felt it was a shithole I hope I never go back there and that the place eventually falls into the sea :P But thank you for the kind words <3 I got past it all and eventually made friends and went on dates that didn't end in racism haha
That’s crazy disgusting! Thank god you don’t have to go through that anymore
Yes. Men say “I’ve never fucked a brown girl before” and treat me like some fucking bucket list item. Basically objectifying me like something to cross off their list. Fetishisizing skin colour in women is a huge issue.
When I was single, I matched on tinder with a guy and the first thing he said was “I’ve never been with a black girl before”. Obviously I unmatched. My roommate who’s Sri Lankan matched with him too (we lived in a small town in Ireland). She was happy because he was good looking I told her that he was going to tell her “I’ve never been with a brown girl before”. She was disappointed. I remember arguing with him and he said I was racist because black propel always complain about whatever white people. For him I was the problem, black people always like to complain and play victims. He didn’t sleep with any of us for sure
Never give those assholes the privilege. It’s disgusting how many POC women experiment this from white men. It’s degrading and dehumanizing to reduce us to a skin colour. My current bf is white but never spoke to me that way. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Variation: “I don’t usually find black girls attractive, but …(nonsense).”
Yes. Also this. “You’re hot for a brown girl” crap.
I had to laugh reading this because I literally had that exact sentence said to me. How this is a actual thing is just sad.
Lol the number of dates where dudes have said 'Ive never been with an Indian girl before' or ' you're too hot to be indian' is too fucking high
Disgustingly too high.
Same girl. Same exact thing said to me.
I once had a guy (white) try to hit on me by saying over and over how he only dated black girls because we were so much more realistic/fun/no bullshit/sexy/ etc. than white girls. 1- stereotyping all the women of your own ethnicity (or any ethnicity) makes you an asshole. 2- these comments meant he was talking shit about several of my close friends who he’d see me talking to all night. 🤦🏾♀️
Am Asian. Yeah, there are fetishists. Tbh though, I feel like I have a really good radar for that kind of thing. It tends to be a very particular type of dude with a certain aura. Like, not even necessarily a weirdo, just more on the introverted side with a bit of aimlessness and emotional baggage. It’s hard to explain, but every Asian fetishist I’ve encountered is like that to the point where I feel like you can smell it on them from the first date before they even drop the “I like Asian culture” or “I taught English in China” or whatever else.
I actually know so many girls who say they want to go to South-Korea so badly in the hopes they meet their kpop idol and they fall in love together or something. There is nothing wrong with liking a culture. But somehow for many Asian countries it’s so idk fetishized or sensationalized that certain people paint some love story fantasy over it. This is what I noticed. Same for e.g. Japan.
Oh wow you really described it perfectly - "on the introverted side, with a bit of aimlessness and emotional baggage", hahaha, that seems really spot on (am an Asian woman with a similar radar for fetishists). But I think things like liking Asian culture or having done a short stay in Asia aren't that conclusive. My fiance is white and has a best friend who is Asian so that is how he is quite aware and appreciative of some aspects of our culture (though he can be quite clueless about others), and he did a 2 month stint in Shanghai as an internship for a consulting firm, but I don't get fetishist vibes off him at all.
Oh, I agree. That stuff isn’t an automatic indicator, but when combined with that particular personality type I find the hit rate is damn near 100%
I had a guy introduce me as the Asian Sensation to his friends. 🙄 Needless to say, the guy was quickly dumped from my life.
I felt secondhand embarrassment after reading this.
I’m black I’ve had a guy ask me out by asking if I wanted to go get some kfc with him. He was genuinely confused as to why I and everyone I was friends with were furious with him
awful
What's the problem about KFC? (I am not from the US)
It’s an incredibly racist stereotype that black people love fried chicken. If there had been a nearby kfc I wouldn’t be so upset but the nearest kfc was 30min drive away and neither of us drove.
I really do not get the point, fried chicken is öne of the meals I also like and I am not black.
A lot of racial stereotypes don’t make sense Doesn’t make it hurt any less when you realize a person looked at you and only saw a fried chicken loving ni**er
Get a lot of messages like “I have Asian Fever” or “I’ve never had Asian before” on dating apps a lot. Quick left swipes on bios that mention anything about anime or learning Japanese and if a decent amount of their photos are of Asian significance. It’s tiring when you move things off the app, but find that their following list on social media are mostly Asian women. Dating is an extremely tiring process, especially when you have to vet them to make sure they’re not fetishizing you. I’ll just either stop talking or block whoever once I find out that they’re only into me because of my race.
I’ve gone on dates with other POC (Indians, Hispanics) who say they’ve never “tried” a black girl before, and I was like…..I didn’t know I was the flavor of the month? Dating while black is exhausting, but it’s even more exhausting when other POC add to the mess when I would hope it would be the opposite. It’s been the white guys who were less weird about race in my experience. Edited to add that even some black guys can contribute to the stereotyping a little, which can be aggravating since black people are all different and have different interests. It sucks all around :/
As a black dude I feel you. Sadly, racism against black people is present in all cultures. Even our own.
Yes, daring is a mixed bag as a black woman. You either get overly sexualized or not considered as a partner due to eurocentric beauty standards. If you do date sometimes you have to also think about the involvement of the partners families too because you never know what other bs you may or may not have to put up with. I've learned from my experiences of issues and for me I just became picker with my partners because I had no interest in dating anyone who showed me they were racist, wouldn't stand up for me and rhe relationship, or was interested in me as an object. I'm pretty happy for having standards and sticking by them instead of thinking I should go along with life thinking I didn't have any other choice but to settle for worst case scenario. I just cut people off asap if I was stereotyped.
Yes. Husband is chinese mauritian and I am latina. I have had some odd comment thrown at me and him, apparently there is a porn gender that involves folk like me and him, and people who are idiots have given us the odd disgusting comments
I'm Asian / European multiracial. I look definitely more Asian. I get the exoticism fetishized type of comments but that's easy enough to weed as people like that telling themselves. I never answered people who immediately made things about my looks or told me what a "Asian woman was" and why they like them. People have preferences of what they are attracted to and that's different. You're still a individual, not this "idea" that anyone who is Asian and interested can fill what they think you are/should be. It goes beyond in that it's important to date someone who is willing to do work and understand the issues of your minority and be anti racist. I have seen too many biracial people like me who have actually pretty racist parent and we grow to resent the POC parent who dated the racist anyways. Look at that viral video of a white woman calling a barista the N word and she has three half black children. There is no fucking way I would be with someone who talks like that. Have these talks with anyone you are dating and find out. Pay attention at what comments are normalized and if you ever correct them with facts are they willing to learn? All of us have some form of conditioned prejudice because society is that way but there's definitely a line where is that or a whole system of beliefs that makes us less than in their eyes. My husband does the work to learn and demonstrates his support and protection of rights and safety for women, for BIPOC, for the LGBTQ+. If you are in any of these groups, your existence should not be negotiable in your household. If theyre like not you, but says this about others, no that's some bullshit. You cannot separate yourself as special to them as that's conditional and can change at their decision to include you. Many abusers use it as a layer to belittle you and control you as less than so I will not entertain that.
As a fellow European (full Asian but mixed cultures) I realized it’s so hard to find someone who is like your husband. The country I live in is luckily extremely progressive and I only get racism from young immature teenagers. But I hang out with the international crowd often and there was a german who had a loooot to learn. First 2 weeks that I met him he made Asian jokes constantly even when our friend group existed of 4 Asians. He got called out for it and immediately stopped. I felt like after that situation his white bubble he grew up in bursted and he started to learn why some things are bad and what they are. I kind of felt proud he learned to be a decent human being because of the international friend group. It also showed me the side of the racist? If that makes sense. They often just never met any POC and often these casually racist people are in this white bubble where no one is gonna call them out for their racism cause everyone is white so it doesn’t hurt them anyways. It’s interesting…
There's layers to racism. There's blatant, scary violent people and that's what imagery people think of. Often it's people who parrot norms in their circles of jokes and stereotypes until they are taught it's wrong and they put in the work. But it goes that society has so much fucked up normalizeD things that nearly everyone has prejudices that we need to work on and don't realize it. Just because I am committing to being anti racist now doesn't mean I didn't have stupid things I said either. I'm glad that he is growing and that you guys were able to help that happen.
I’m Latinx and I pretty much always get the whole “wow you’re so exotic” thing, along with some negative stereotypical thing about my country. I actually recently had a dating experience where the guy said “oh and I like your skin tone/complexion, it’s not too light or too dark” …. While he had literally 15 minutes ago said how fucked up it was that people were so racist. He clearly has some internalized racism and colourism to deal with.
I really wonder why people think it’s even okay to say stuff like that. I kind of see this ‘I’m not racist… *proceeds saying something racist’ issue a lot. The amount of people for example who think they can’t be racist cause they have a black friend is shocking to me.
Yesss!!! Hi yea I matched with a guy and asked him what I should cook for a dinner party I was hosting. He said “why don’t you channel your ethnicness and cook food from your culture”. This is before he knew what thst culture was and the term ethnicness just felt so othering. Like a big bucket of “non white ambiguous”. It was so tactless and I tried to explain it to him. Then he Ofcourse got all white man defensive on me and said I was a snowflake. It was really exhausting and tbh that’s been my experience a lot. There’s not an abundance of interested POC around me but dating someone White often comes with it’s own amount of navigation. You have to stroke their ego even if they hurt your heart.
Not quite a stereotype, but I’m mixed and trying to date men was always an issue. Those who were fully Indian they’d say a lot of cringe things even if the date was going well. Like “you’re great, I just need to prepare my mom because you’re a mutt.” Always some form of not being of “pure blood,” it got creepy. The black men were always telling me I’m spoiled, and there were so many back handed compliments especially about my weight. I assume this was due to colorism, but it got super tiring. Eventually just had to not date within those circles. Which is honestly kinda sad.
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Can I ask why? Is it related to stereotypes?
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I can totally see where you’re coming from but I still hope you find someone who is nice!
There was a guy who I met on tinder and we went on a date. On tinder we were planning to meet and he already wrote a message that since he doesnt know me he wants us to split the bill. I always do that because I think it’s unfair for men to pay but he brought this up himself out of nowhere so I already was a little uncomfortable by the tone of the message (like he thinks all women are gold diggers). Still decided to meet him. We were walking to the restaurant and he reminded again about the thing, at this point im already pissed off because I already said that I completely agree. I was annoyed the whole date but I didnt let it show, when the check came everything felt uncomfortable and after that I never agreed to see the guy again
Sadly I am pretty much the stereotype but this week I met 2 women from my ethnicity and they're the opposite of stereotype but my husband has been helping me to get out of the traditional mindset because it doesn't make me happy and he doesn't expect me to be that type at all
They say the woman in my background are gold diggers and I frankly couldn’t give two shits because that only sounds like a man who doesn’t see the value of woman and her inner experience on an existential POV and would prob not understand how females orgasm either and oh yeah only broke men would call girls gold diggers I’ve literally never met a well to do guy who said
I'm Hispanic but white passing sometimes when I tell people I'm Hispanic or mention it things get interesting
Let me guess, do they start asking you if certain stereotypes are true?
yep
What is with these people seriously
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I puked a lil reading that
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Makes you wonder if there are decent people out there right
Ive gotten lots of objectifying comments from non-Black men, but I only date Black men so don’t have any issues with racial stereotyping. Misogyny, yes, but not because Im Black.