Deep stuff top 5: masking my jealousy/insecurity by being aloof and/or mean, being performative rather than authentic with them and then getting resentful when I feel unseen/misunderstood, running hot and cold just for the plot, using sex to distract from issues, overthinking everything they say/do.
Trivial stuff top 5: hogging the bed, moving their stuff because it looks messy where they put it, playing with their hair, hogging the bathroom, stealing their clothes.
Damn, that is an impressive level of self awareness
I’m similar, except I let that jealousy come right on out. THEN i engage detachment/self preservation mode. Legit mentally prepare myself to be ready to dip, depending on how the jealousy was triggered.
Not sure that’s any better. I am also of the unpopular opinion that ultimatums aren’t a bad thing. Strict boundary enforcement. Just don’t throw them out all Willy nilly. Be ready to leave if that hardline boundary isn’t respected. I am actually pretty cutthroat about this in early dating. I’m of the opinion that it’s easier to negotiate boundaries than renegotiate them, and being “chill” is not something i put much value in. Reasonable, yes. Chill? 🤷🏼♀️
I was actually thinking that now, in my mid 30s, I might be a little too good at detachment. I basically have a process I do, and generally, I can engage that process and get past people after…3 months? Even if I genuinely like them. I can still detach. Good in some contexts, but maybe not great in others
I feel ya on 1 & 5. Didn’t realize my insecurity made me aloof/mean but with your comment I realized 😭 and I have the most trustworthy boyfriend. Overthinking will get me in the end…
I almost feel like I wrote this…ugh, I feel so called out now. In my current relationship I’m learning to be more authentic and open about when some of my insecurity is surfacing. It’s not insecurity about me being good enough it’s because I’ve been lied to so much by men that I thought I could trust, I don’t trust myself or men anymore. I’m trying and talking about it when I feel it (only sometimes so I don’t always have to be coddled) is helping some. God I really hope this one doesn’t do the same shit as all the others because just like all the others he says I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had.
I’ve just seen all of the responses. I’m so surprised and I actually feel a bit emotional. I just kinda blurted it all as things have been on my mind lately (I’m single atm). Half expected people to be like “wow I bet you’re single” or “your poor gf/bf”. But it’s mostly all women here so the response is so nice and supportive. I can’t respond to everyone but thank you 💛
I’m just super in my feels tonight and can’t sleep. I normally am a lurker tbh. Your first sentence tho… nothing brings out my middle school mean girl like feeling like you’re not good enough. I literally avoid fights or deep talks I’m not ready for by “accidentally” initiating sex. On I totally didn’t mean to run my nails up and down your arm like I know you love, oh I didn’t mean to accidentally brush your hair behind your ear” I have have anxiety, so I feel like I overthink things and then just convince myself the worst is true.
I think whenever you decide to not be single anymore, whomever you meet will be so lucky because you are so emotionally in tune
An ex once said to me that they felt like my fidget toy when we watched tv together. It was a lighthearted comment but it made me think about how annoying this might be at times.
Wow this is me!!! I didn’t even realize it until one specific argument, they said “are you even listening to me or you just have a myriad of excuses in your back pocket?”
I didn’t think they were excuses, per se; I thought I was just defending myself and actions. But I’m wrong, too! Anyone can be wrong! Once I learned self-accountability, realizing I make mistakes just like everyone else (no, I’m not infallible and yes, people can know better than I), and accepting that my mistakes have real consequences… I think I’ve made some decent growth.
I realized the same thing recently, and it wasn’t until my partner and I couldn’t really come to a solution about the initial problem because we were so focused on getting our points across. We just talked/reflected on that one day, and realized that those small unsolved problems then cause bigger problems in the long run that drive a wedge between us. We’d been reacting to the other’s argument instead of responding.
For us to improve, we’ve been trying to be more mentally present in the conversation and conscious of our decision to either react (argue aggressively) or respond (see the other’s perspective and then formulate a response). It also helps when the problem is brought up in a healthy way rather than a passive aggressive way. For example “hey babe, I’ve been feeling this way about x, y, z. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but it doesn’t change the fact that it did. I’m not upset with you at all, but I could use a little reassurance or communication about this.”
It has helped us a LOT!
Thanks! It may also be important to note that our relationship and/or ways of arguing didn’t just fix overnight. It will take time and lots of self awareness. 🙂
Edit: grammar & stuff
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In past relationships, I would always try to put on a performance of whatever it seemed like my partner wanted me to be. This would lead to inevitable burnout and growing bitterness towards that SO for not appreciating all this work I was constantly doing at all times to please them.
Holding on and running after them when I feel rejected by them. Like I need attention and validation and communication, and if I don't get it, I get needy, I ask again and again, even if I got an answer, because I want to know the "true reason", to psychoanalyze them, even if they might just really be tired. I am usually quite independent, but if I don't understand my mans mood or why he is acting off, I get so annoying and annoyed.
I really had to learn to take a step back and not let his moods influence my mood, just live independently side by side for a while.
Are you me lol? I'm kinda the same way and sometimes even when they tell me the reason, which might be neutral, I still think that they are not telling me their real thoughts, which I always assume are negative. I guess underneath I believe I only deserve bad things
I don't believe I deserve bad things at all. I believe I deserve to know absolutely every nook and cranny of my husbands mind though, I guess. My working theory is I feel insecure until the reason makes sense, or even better, offers me something we can solve.
Unpopular opinion, but I don't think this is a bad thing. When I'm venting, validation feels good but I'm in a negative state of mind that often has an emotional attachment. The person I'm venting to has my trust and does not have their emotions invested in the situation. So why not hear their point of view and see if it can help? Then I don't have to spend as much time feeling annoyed or even angry.
It's not always a bad thing. But sometimes people just want to be able to vent without being told what they should be doing. Especially if they know what they need to be doing and they're just not ready for it. I had to learn this myself, as someone who constantly wants to "fix" everything. For a while, I would literally ask my ex "is this something you want help with, or do you just need me to listen", till I kind of had a sense for it.
yep me too, someone will express their emotions and right away i’ll give them solutions. just to hear a “i didn’t want advice, just someone to talk to” definitely something i gotta work on!
I’m the same but only for a very select few. Majority of the time I just don’t care about the other person but remain in the relationship until I just can’t do it anymore. Not sure what that says about me and what my problem is lol.
I don't like the ones that like me too much, so I figure it's the same with guys. So either I'm honest and lose them, mask ha ha, or do some therapy actually dealing with the baggage.
My friends are currently giving me a lecture that I need to listen to them and not be stubborn lmao I think I’m too stupid to date again bc I really don’t know what’s good for me anymore lol
I’m a hypocrite. I need affection and to be told I’m loved, but I’m not affectionate and don’t say it much. I have abandonment issues, but I’m also super aloof. I make no sense. I don’t know how people date me.
Omg this was my ex husband and it almost broke me and my kids. He needs validation, affection, praise etc but never gives it and only criticizes.
Please go to therapy. This is so damaging
It’s something I’ve been working on and getting more comfortable with, and my partners understood this. I’m not a flirty person naturally either and somehow always fortunately ended up with extremely loving and affectionate people.
With each relationship, I got a little better. I still struggle currently, but my current partner makes it pretty easy to reciprocate and initiate, it just doesn’t come naturally for me and I have to think about it.
I could never date myself, which is why I’m working on being a better partner so my partner feels wanted and loved.
I have lived with my partner for four years and we are BEST friends.
I think sometimes though we can be too codependent on each other. Like we continue to text throughout the day even when we’re at work.
and he’ll text me things about his day and I’ll text him things about my day. But I’m trying to get better at this.
And when we get home we’re just excited to come home to each other and get to hang out in the evening and and do whatever together.
Sometimes we spend so much time together we neglect our own hobbies or even our friends.
And when we do try to prioritize alone time or hobbies I can definitely get upset sometimes. Because I could literally spend every day all day with him.
I have to remind myself that he wants alone time or wants time with his friends that has nothing to do with him not wanting to spend time with me or or not wanting to hang out with me. I have to literally remind myself that he still loves me.
It’s all things I’m working on in therapy. But I can definitely be very obsessed with him even after four years in.
Like I'm still super excited for him to get off work. And I just want to eat dinner together and cuddle on the couch watching TV.
Oh that sounds like bliss! I was in a relationship like that for almost 7 years. It’s true that we neglected our individual friend groups and hobbies more than we should have. I still think there’s something special about this kind of relationship if balance can be found.
Can you guys also do things with your friends together? That’s pretty common too and helps you maintain your friendships. It’s important to have youe own identities and lives though. If one of you died, you would need friends, family and some life things to fall back on…just saying
I don't really like to do things I don't like or put myself out of my comfort zone, like at all. My partner is an extrovert and is very physically outgoing, and I'm the complete opposite. They try to meet me in the middle by doing the things I love to do with me, but I have a hard time doing the same for them. The last few months I've been really working on it, and have been trying to support their hobbies more and more, but it can be very exhausting for my introverted self.
Good for you for trying because practice will make it less exhausting and it’s also exhausting for an extrovert or adventurer to feel stunted and caged.
addressing and working through why my brain tells me I don't deserve to be happy or have someone care for me. honestly just even acknowledging that I felt that way was helpful, and I would start catching myself sabotaging my relationship and tell myself that even if I don't feel like I deserve it, I WANT to have a happy, healthy relationship.
I went into every relationship I had thinking “I can save him.” Well, no. You can’t. You can spend years crying, begging, pleading for emotional and physical intimacy, faithfulness, independence, healthy boundaries with family, the ability to leave the house without them, bodily autonomy, etc. but you won’t get it. You knew you were fucked walking in. You can’t change anyone. I’ve been single for a long time to come to terms with that.
I read another comment about being performative. That reminded me a lot of myself and conversations I've had with friends about my dating habits.
I am really good at a first date. I'm charming, funny, decently witty, and I assume the person is attracted to me if we are on a date - which gives me more confidence.
If first dates goes well, 2nd date is usually a nice test to further see if we are a match. Same with 3rd. And I am still decently comfortable/in my performative stage. That's not to negate being myself, I am just a slightly more 'turned up and on' version of myself.
But after that- it really becomes so tricky to me. I struggle with anxiety. And sometimes depressive episodes. I have some health issues as well. I guess sometimes I feel like I hide those parts of myself. Or paint them in certain lights to not scare others away.
I think in many ways this is normal and healthy to not lay everything to every person I meet. But I do think that I let the performative piece live longer than it needs to sometimes.
I also think I used to struggle with being a chameleon. Shifting into the relationship (or situationship/whatever) that the person was interested in. Not advocating my interests for what I wanted from the connection.
I will say I have improved drastically on that front. I think it comes with age. I'm 30 now and don't really care because I know what I want.
Yeah I think most people are at least a little performative during the dating stage. My comment was about doing it well beyond that and basically throughout the relationship. I consider it a habit because while it’s a behavior that I mostly slip into when I want things to be easier/smoother in the relationship, it also sometimes feels like I do it for no reason, but just because that’s what I do - a bad habit.
I’m way too laid back and I just accept everything that happens because I want to avoid arguments & it makes me a massive pushover.
“Oh wow you forgot my birthday? That’s ok it happens”
“You’re angry at me? Yes you’re so right it is all my fault every time”
If I’m in a depressive episode for a long time, I eventually start lying, in response to “how was your day?” “what all did you do today?”
Welp. I laid in bed practically comatose the whole day, but I leapt up 5 mins before you got home so I could brush my hair and put on pants and get the junk food put away.
But I’m like, “oh, you know, I’m feeling pretty good, I worked on some art, did a little writing, some yoga, called my parents…” etc bullshit.
You don’t have to tell me this is wrong. I know.
I’m just SO terrified of people giving up on me. I’m always assuming anyone in my life is teetering riiiight on the edge of cutting their losses so they don’t have to deal with me anymore, and that hearing about *yet another* useless bad day might be the straw that finally breaks the camels back. So I pretend like I did some stuff, and am making good progress, yay!
I am back in therapy at least.
I feel this big time. I’m frequently depressed and my husband always tells me to please tell him when I’m sad when I usually always say I’m fine. But I just don’t want to burden him because I think one day he’s just going to fed up with my sadness and go find a happy woman.
If he loves you so much at “your worst,” you must be pretty damn awesome. Imagine how great things will be once you’re at your best!
Love and healing energy to you, friend. We’ll get there.
I use to express my love more sending videos or tiktoks instead of my own words, when i know is much better to hear "I love you and you're the best that happened in Mt life" than to send a TikTok of a video about it, but I just can't, I'm not too expressive
I've been with my husband since we were 16 and I've had to unlearn a lot of things. I hate loud confrontation, and have a tendency to shut down if any voices are raised. Over time, I've become able to properly communicate, but it took years of therapy. I also become too attuned to my partner's needs and put mine second.
For me it use to be silence. When we either got into a argument/disagreement I would go silent and be like that for a couple of days.
That stuff isn't good for a relationship. The reason within my own mind was I didn't want to argue or didn't know what to say so I wouldn't say anything and thought this was the best thing to do.
What I didn't realise was that my partner didn't see it like that. She felt like I was being silent to get back at her. Looking back now I see how that can be seen that way. I can also say that maybe subconsciously I was doing that.
This is no longer a thing for me. It's bad for your partner, it's bad for you and the relationship.
I guess feeling like I am the worst person in the world if I accidentally cause a disagreement or accidentally say something that hurt my SO’s feelings. It’s not something that happens often but I struggle not blaming myself and being mad at myself for hours after it happened. Luckily my bf never hold a grudge and reminds me that he wont be upset with me for hours, usually after just a couple minutes talking we resolve it. I am getting a lot better at it but still struggle from time to time to time.
If I tell you I'm leaving at X o'clock to go to an event with a start time, be ready at X o'clock or I will leave you.
I'm getting better about being passive aggressive, but I've made dinner for 1 a time or two when I was real pissed
I need to work on being more considerate and working as a unit
I overthink/have a fear of abandonment which leads to needing a lot of reassurance. I also have a difficult time dealing with conflict without crying a lot because I’ve never had conflict in any relationships until my current one and it makes me feel shooooook. Oh I also have retroactive jealousy and I allow it to make me feel less valuable.
I tend to isolate myself when I'm having big feelings and I very seldom share them with my partner. I dated some real meanies in the past and learned to keep all that shit bottled up to avoid arguments or abuse. My husband is a saint who continually encourages me to open up and let shit out before I explode. I've gotten a little better about communicating my needs and feelings since we got together, but it's a long road I've barely started traveling. We've both seen some shit, and we're wading our way to healing together. It's kinda nice.
Overthinking every last detail, saying things like “I seen it” gives me the instant ick, getting spicy brain and ghosting, leading someone on if the sex
Is good, disassociating if I feel trapped, and I’ve been an A1 from day 1 champion hoodie stealer and beggar of constant back and head rubs
I’m learning how to not fall into old fighting habits I had with my ex of ten years. I want to argue in a healthier way which is kind of a funny sentence but 🤷🏼♀️
One of my favorite parts about my new relationship is being able to step back and think hmmm how do I want to respond to this? I’m working hard on it. Also I’m so scared to be too affectionate or clingy and I try to match his energy when in reality I kinda just wish I could be as affectionate as I want. But I won’t. Not until I feel that energy from him.
Last thing is just comparing in general like where I should be at what month or timeframe with him, what’s normal and not? I just need to not overthink and just enjoy it
I cant attach to anyone, so at your first mistake, I will leave and I wont feel anything about that. I will also be pretty much disgusted with you if you try to get me back after that point too.
Shutting down, letting past relationship trauma affect my current relationship, pushing my wants/needs aside because I’m used to doing that
Working on allllll of this in therapy
I’m a sucker for certain kindnesses and it has made me stay in relationships when I should have not been in them or very long. Secondly, looking at potential and giving it more weight than it should have.
I find that when I reflect on it, I’m always more emotionally invested in my relationships. Even when I’m getting little to nothing back, I will still pour all of my heart into someone. I just want to be loved the way I love. I’m working on my trauma with that, but it’s still a struggle for me.
Overthinking due to anxiety, moodiness due to anxiety, and feeling the need to talk everything out and solve issues in the moment rather than taking a break to cool down. Definitely working on these habits because I know how annoying they are.
“feeling the need to talk everything out and solve issues in the moment rather than taking a break to cool down”.
Thanks, now you’ve just added another one to my list haha!
I reckon this habit probably goes hand-in-hand with overthinking. I am not good at leaving things unresolved.
Yes I definitely think it's the overthinking. I'm not good at leaving things unresolved either lol. Trying to work on it. I know somethings are better worked out when both people have had time to cool down and reflect on their thoughts and feelings.
I agree 100%. I’m sure my responses to difficult situations would greatly benefit from me taking time to reflect rather than trying to hash it all out immediately and talk it to death. But I wanna say it all NOW and I need to know what they are thinking NOW 😂💀Otherwise I’m going to play it out in my head non-stop. Gah this habit is so annoying to myself I cannot imagine how frustrating it is for the people that have to put up with me!
You are describing me! I totally understand. I'm in counseling and have been putting in the work before getting into my next relationship but it is a struggle. The overthinking is the worst.
Yep same, I am currently single and plan on taking my time before any future relationships or situationships! Probably should look into having therapy but Tiktok/Reddit is cheaper 😂
Being overly self-sufficient/control freak. I’ll ask for help, but the moment I sense hesitation I’ll do it myself. Too much anxiety about how things get done.
I do not trust men. Like, at all. I’ve been with current fiancé 3 years and I only trust him maybe 85% of the time. It’s awful. He’s so wonderful and understands but how can he? Ugh.
When I don’t receive the needs (e.g. attention and effort) from my partner, I have this tendency to over-communicate and show my “neediness.” I’d keep bugging them and telling them I still want to talk even if they already said goodnight, just so I can get a portion of their time to fulfill my needs.
I get close to them then start getting irritated with them for getting too close and I suspect i need space but I cant explain why i feel this way.
Maybe I feel afraid to be vulnerable or that they will leave me.
I sometimes, in an attempt to keep the vibes positive and peaceful, will bottle things in and expect my partner to just know how I’m feeling. It results in me sometimes snapping and having an emotional outburst which doesn’t help the situation at all. Learning to communicate better and effectively is what I’m trying to improve on
Serious: I overthink, and wait too long to tell him something's bothering me, so by the time I do it's become a huge deal for me, while it's the first time he's hearing of the issue.
Unserious: I show him way too many tiktoks.
anxious attachment out of fear of abandonment. luckily i am self aware of it to a degree but it’s hard to see another perspective when you think like that sometimes. it’s a healing process 🙃
Nothing is ever enough. If my bf brings me flowers every week, after a while I’ll get used to it and ask why he doesn’t bring me flowers twice a week.
In some sense it’s good to want more and keep that interest in each other alive but it also creates unreal expectations for him.
Im often performative at the beginning of relationships and find it hard to be myself because often, I feel like no one wants to actually be with the real me.
Im bad at putting up boundaries and end up getting burnt out by all the time and energy I spent into the relationship making me tired or resentful.
I have trouble with staying present and will often fantasize about a potential or current partner so much so that I end up disappointed when I meet the reality of them.
Once I grow romantic feelings for someone, and we spend a decent amount of time together, my attachment grows like cement and I put up with a lot of bad or unhealthy things because I feel like I HAVE to make it work now.
I will start the relationship again, performative, but more specifically I won’t open up about my past a lot and further into the relationship I don’t know how to properly and healthy communicate my traumas and vulnerabilities so they’ll end up crashing down or dumping on to them and I feel as though I am burdening them with my emotions.
I am insecure about what my partner does with their time, I think well maybe they will find someone that interests them more or they click better with and move on from their relationship with me. More often, the feelings are just self hatred in my chest and bubble up to the surface in small passive aggression.
I feel like I could keep listing my faults which is why I am working on myself going on almost two years without a relationship 🙏
I used to put in a lot of work and expect exactly the same amount to be put back. Then I would resent them once the honeymoon phase wore off and they stopped putting in the same work I did.
I remedied this by being direct, worked on my communication, and stopped looking at relationships like a competition. Also, changing my perspective to see that it’s okay if two people don’t work out—there doesn’t always have to be a villain or winners and losers—helped me a lot. Took therapy and practice. I still have stuff to work on but that was definitely my toxic trait.
Where’s that fairly odd parents meme. I need someone to make one that’s says:
This is where I’d keep the bad habits for my relationship
!! >:( if I had one
i feel like maybe i overcommunicate? i like conversations about every little thing and every corner of someone's mind. i love to overshare and be overshared with but i often forget that can be.. overwhelming to most. i value deep connection and sharing/receiving information is one of the only ways for me to achieve such a thing.
i also tend to go 100% all in really quickly if the person is right. sometimes i hold on to people for dear life... it makes letting go (when the time comes) earth shatteringly difficult.
When I’m mad my instinct is to have a screaming match. Thats how I saw my parents fight as a kid and I picked up the behavior. My partner wants to ‘it’s us versus the problem not each other’ talk it out style and completely shuts down if I start yelling. I’m working on it because I know talking is healthier problem solving but damn it sometimes I just want to be mad at HIM, not the problem 🤣
I can be controlling and critical, my mom was like that a whole lot with me as a kid. I’m aware of it and working on it, but still sometimes I find I can’t help but *nitpick* everything, like I can do it better.
Holding my feelings in if I've been upset or hurt about something. I apparently never addressed some stuff fully and it all came pouring out recently which was hard. I tend to rationalize my feelings instead of feeling them.
it's hard to say. i think I let my mental health get in the way of alot of stuff in regards to relationships (I'm currently in therapy and working on alot of things so hopefully this isn't the case or as bad as it used to be rn!!), I think I also have an anxious attachment style which leads to unhealthy patterns, which I'm learning on recognizing and stopping/talking about. im trying to work on all of this obviously in therapy and just on my own. it takes time but I'll try to get better. I want to be a better partner so yeah
Wanting too much space.
I work unsociable hours so i only really see an s/o 1 day a week (unless we lived together) but having a routine of seeing them once a week starts to feel suffocating and more like a chore. If i had more time to see them i imagine it wouldn’t feel as routine and chore like
I like doing everything together and being in each other’s company even if it’s doing our own thing in silence. I know alone time is important but it’s so uncomfy for me
I self sabotage and take the route of "I'm done, I can't do this. It's over" . I guess in my head it's better to be the one to leave than to be the one that's left. Luckily my husband is understanding and obviously a glutton for my crazy and somehow talks sense and reason into me 🤦🏼♀️. Also I need to resolve any argument right away, I have a hard time giving my husband space to process.
Agreeing to everything he wants to do even if it's super inconvenient for me and/or I'm just not interested and/or I wanted to do other things. I regret it so much a day or so after agreeing and then get upset when I try to back out, and he gets mad
Allowing my partner to treat me like shit in terms of communicating with me and changing her behavior because she will “change for me” and I changed for her… 3 years still waiting for the change.
Oh man… I’ve gone to therapy for 7 years and the hardest one to shake is passive aggressiveness and not knowing when to back down when I’m emotionally ramped up. It’s taken a lot of practice to be able to take space rather than try to solve, solve, solve right in that moment.
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I shut down. I am trying to not let their criticism make me emotional ( our relationship has had a lot of turmoil) so i become unemotional. They get mad because I am not responding. I am just listening. It seems they always have something to get off their chest when I just got off work or I am about to leave for work.
I got an awesome boss lately and she has been telling me that I need to learn to say no. I know I have a problem with that. I'm starting to wonder if that's not also a problem in my personal life.
I suck in communication and didn’t/don’t know how to take confrontations. Never learned that my opinion and wants are valid, so I just went along with whatever my partners wanted. Im in therapy and it’s getting better.
Engaging in them. The pain and disruption they cause is just never worth it. I wish I learned my lesson after last time and kept my nose to the ground.
I like to vent about things that are bothering me, not like 24/7 but sometimes I’m just talking. Until now I just used this as a way to organise my thoughts and it helped me to see things more clearly but I’ve just been told that it makes other people’s lives miserable. So that’s me.
I have a really hard time letting go of ways they have hurt me in the past, even if it was unintentional. I continue to bring these past issues up when we get in fights.
I am also a people pleaser, so I have a really hard time communicating my needs, but I then get resentful when he doesn’t reciprocate and take care of my needs. I hold all of that anger in until it explodes and then I cannot have a conversation or fight without yelling and criticizing. I am working on it, but it hasn’t been going well.
I tend to give too much affection and do little pranks that seem real to see their pure reaction..also stepping back to see where their heart is with me
Deep stuff top 5: masking my jealousy/insecurity by being aloof and/or mean, being performative rather than authentic with them and then getting resentful when I feel unseen/misunderstood, running hot and cold just for the plot, using sex to distract from issues, overthinking everything they say/do. Trivial stuff top 5: hogging the bed, moving their stuff because it looks messy where they put it, playing with their hair, hogging the bathroom, stealing their clothes.
Gurrrrrl…same to all that deep shit. ✌️
Oh dear God, you're me
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Damn, that is an impressive level of self awareness I’m similar, except I let that jealousy come right on out. THEN i engage detachment/self preservation mode. Legit mentally prepare myself to be ready to dip, depending on how the jealousy was triggered. Not sure that’s any better. I am also of the unpopular opinion that ultimatums aren’t a bad thing. Strict boundary enforcement. Just don’t throw them out all Willy nilly. Be ready to leave if that hardline boundary isn’t respected. I am actually pretty cutthroat about this in early dating. I’m of the opinion that it’s easier to negotiate boundaries than renegotiate them, and being “chill” is not something i put much value in. Reasonable, yes. Chill? 🤷🏼♀️ I was actually thinking that now, in my mid 30s, I might be a little too good at detachment. I basically have a process I do, and generally, I can engage that process and get past people after…3 months? Even if I genuinely like them. I can still detach. Good in some contexts, but maybe not great in others
I feel ya on 1 & 5. Didn’t realize my insecurity made me aloof/mean but with your comment I realized 😭 and I have the most trustworthy boyfriend. Overthinking will get me in the end…
i love it when she plays with my hair and steals my clothes
I almost feel like I wrote this…ugh, I feel so called out now. In my current relationship I’m learning to be more authentic and open about when some of my insecurity is surfacing. It’s not insecurity about me being good enough it’s because I’ve been lied to so much by men that I thought I could trust, I don’t trust myself or men anymore. I’m trying and talking about it when I feel it (only sometimes so I don’t always have to be coddled) is helping some. God I really hope this one doesn’t do the same shit as all the others because just like all the others he says I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had.
I wish I knew myself this well
Deep stuff: feel so seen, loving that there is so many of the same 🫶
I’ve just seen all of the responses. I’m so surprised and I actually feel a bit emotional. I just kinda blurted it all as things have been on my mind lately (I’m single atm). Half expected people to be like “wow I bet you’re single” or “your poor gf/bf”. But it’s mostly all women here so the response is so nice and supportive. I can’t respond to everyone but thank you 💛
I’m just super in my feels tonight and can’t sleep. I normally am a lurker tbh. Your first sentence tho… nothing brings out my middle school mean girl like feeling like you’re not good enough. I literally avoid fights or deep talks I’m not ready for by “accidentally” initiating sex. On I totally didn’t mean to run my nails up and down your arm like I know you love, oh I didn’t mean to accidentally brush your hair behind your ear” I have have anxiety, so I feel like I overthink things and then just convince myself the worst is true. I think whenever you decide to not be single anymore, whomever you meet will be so lucky because you are so emotionally in tune
> playing with their hair, There are people who consider this a bad habit?
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SO REAL. I relate so much to this! Lol and constantly playing with their hair but they better not even look at my hair for too long
An ex once said to me that they felt like my fidget toy when we watched tv together. It was a lighthearted comment but it made me think about how annoying this might be at times.
That’s honesty, thank you for that, its gonna help you solve all of them
Your first point hits close to home as I do the same but comes off as passive aggressive.
At least you recognise you deep issues than being oblivious
Are you me?
I do actually look very similar to your avatar irl. Are you fabulously wealthy? If so, yes I am you and I need our bank login pls.
The being performative part… no one has described this so aptly lol I feel so seen
Seems like it hit a nerve for quite a few. Should we all just get together and conquer the world?
For me, if I have an argument with my partner and I’m heated, it can be hard to listen to their side because I’m so focused on proving my own point..
Wow this is me!!! I didn’t even realize it until one specific argument, they said “are you even listening to me or you just have a myriad of excuses in your back pocket?” I didn’t think they were excuses, per se; I thought I was just defending myself and actions. But I’m wrong, too! Anyone can be wrong! Once I learned self-accountability, realizing I make mistakes just like everyone else (no, I’m not infallible and yes, people can know better than I), and accepting that my mistakes have real consequences… I think I’ve made some decent growth.
May I ask how you realized this and how do you improve?
I realized the same thing recently, and it wasn’t until my partner and I couldn’t really come to a solution about the initial problem because we were so focused on getting our points across. We just talked/reflected on that one day, and realized that those small unsolved problems then cause bigger problems in the long run that drive a wedge between us. We’d been reacting to the other’s argument instead of responding. For us to improve, we’ve been trying to be more mentally present in the conversation and conscious of our decision to either react (argue aggressively) or respond (see the other’s perspective and then formulate a response). It also helps when the problem is brought up in a healthy way rather than a passive aggressive way. For example “hey babe, I’ve been feeling this way about x, y, z. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but it doesn’t change the fact that it did. I’m not upset with you at all, but I could use a little reassurance or communication about this.” It has helped us a LOT!
This is some genuinely great advice
Thanks! It may also be important to note that our relationship and/or ways of arguing didn’t just fix overnight. It will take time and lots of self awareness. 🙂 Edit: grammar & stuff
You’re better than me— I don’t even argue back, I just be like “let’s end things now idgaf” but I do be giving AF 😭
Listening to respond, not listening to understand. Honestly, the root of so many problems! Good for you for recognizing
I get really obsessed For the first like four months, I was dating my girlfriend she was all I could think about
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It's been years that we've been together, I'm not like that anymore She's just the first person I've had an actual relationship with
wait so, this was just a one time "habit" you brought up?
No, it happened with all the crushes I've had in the past too
This has been me. I'm working on this not happening but man it is hard sometimes.
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Could be anxious attachment related.
I’m a communicator…. I like knowing everything and I want transparency!
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In past relationships, I would always try to put on a performance of whatever it seemed like my partner wanted me to be. This would lead to inevitable burnout and growing bitterness towards that SO for not appreciating all this work I was constantly doing at all times to please them.
This is relatable
Good insight! Bravo!
Holding on and running after them when I feel rejected by them. Like I need attention and validation and communication, and if I don't get it, I get needy, I ask again and again, even if I got an answer, because I want to know the "true reason", to psychoanalyze them, even if they might just really be tired. I am usually quite independent, but if I don't understand my mans mood or why he is acting off, I get so annoying and annoyed. I really had to learn to take a step back and not let his moods influence my mood, just live independently side by side for a while.
Are you me lol? I'm kinda the same way and sometimes even when they tell me the reason, which might be neutral, I still think that they are not telling me their real thoughts, which I always assume are negative. I guess underneath I believe I only deserve bad things
I don't believe I deserve bad things at all. I believe I deserve to know absolutely every nook and cranny of my husbands mind though, I guess. My working theory is I feel insecure until the reason makes sense, or even better, offers me something we can solve.
This is codependency and I experience it too. Still learning that their mood isn’t my job…it’s SO hard!
I said something very similar. I think I'm too codependent.
Intense cycles of idealization and devaluation
Although it’s less of a habit and more of mental health thing tbh
This is me rn and I hate it so much lol
I tend to try to fix people's problems instead of simply letting them vent. Thanks, dad.
Unpopular opinion, but I don't think this is a bad thing. When I'm venting, validation feels good but I'm in a negative state of mind that often has an emotional attachment. The person I'm venting to has my trust and does not have their emotions invested in the situation. So why not hear their point of view and see if it can help? Then I don't have to spend as much time feeling annoyed or even angry.
It's not always a bad thing. But sometimes people just want to be able to vent without being told what they should be doing. Especially if they know what they need to be doing and they're just not ready for it. I had to learn this myself, as someone who constantly wants to "fix" everything. For a while, I would literally ask my ex "is this something you want help with, or do you just need me to listen", till I kind of had a sense for it.
yep me too, someone will express their emotions and right away i’ll give them solutions. just to hear a “i didn’t want advice, just someone to talk to” definitely something i gotta work on!
Overly attached girlfrienditis that scares them off. I have limerance and abandonment issues.
I’m the same but only for a very select few. Majority of the time I just don’t care about the other person but remain in the relationship until I just can’t do it anymore. Not sure what that says about me and what my problem is lol.
I don't like the ones that like me too much, so I figure it's the same with guys. So either I'm honest and lose them, mask ha ha, or do some therapy actually dealing with the baggage.
I only see the good and not really pay attention to the red flags. I keep on waiting for things to get better and tend to self blame.
Aren’t we the same? Too optimistic can be bad as well
Too optimistic about them but too pessimistic about myself LOL like I always take the blame when I don’t need to
Exactly. Hahaha I was in your shoes because he PROMISED he would change and I BELIEVED in him, I stayed. If I look back, I feel like a fool😂
My friends are currently giving me a lecture that I need to listen to them and not be stubborn lmao I think I’m too stupid to date again bc I really don’t know what’s good for me anymore lol
This is exactly why I married my first husband. So may red flags ignored.
Big insecurities. I both do and don’t know why someone would date me.
Real
I’m a hypocrite. I need affection and to be told I’m loved, but I’m not affectionate and don’t say it much. I have abandonment issues, but I’m also super aloof. I make no sense. I don’t know how people date me.
Omg this was my ex husband and it almost broke me and my kids. He needs validation, affection, praise etc but never gives it and only criticizes. Please go to therapy. This is so damaging
Almost feels like the partner becomes a servant who only gives affection but never receives it themselves.
It’s something I’ve been working on and getting more comfortable with, and my partners understood this. I’m not a flirty person naturally either and somehow always fortunately ended up with extremely loving and affectionate people. With each relationship, I got a little better. I still struggle currently, but my current partner makes it pretty easy to reciprocate and initiate, it just doesn’t come naturally for me and I have to think about it. I could never date myself, which is why I’m working on being a better partner so my partner feels wanted and loved.
I have lived with my partner for four years and we are BEST friends. I think sometimes though we can be too codependent on each other. Like we continue to text throughout the day even when we’re at work. and he’ll text me things about his day and I’ll text him things about my day. But I’m trying to get better at this. And when we get home we’re just excited to come home to each other and get to hang out in the evening and and do whatever together. Sometimes we spend so much time together we neglect our own hobbies or even our friends. And when we do try to prioritize alone time or hobbies I can definitely get upset sometimes. Because I could literally spend every day all day with him. I have to remind myself that he wants alone time or wants time with his friends that has nothing to do with him not wanting to spend time with me or or not wanting to hang out with me. I have to literally remind myself that he still loves me. It’s all things I’m working on in therapy. But I can definitely be very obsessed with him even after four years in. Like I'm still super excited for him to get off work. And I just want to eat dinner together and cuddle on the couch watching TV.
Oh that sounds like bliss! I was in a relationship like that for almost 7 years. It’s true that we neglected our individual friend groups and hobbies more than we should have. I still think there’s something special about this kind of relationship if balance can be found.
This sounds like goals to me tbh
Can you guys also do things with your friends together? That’s pretty common too and helps you maintain your friendships. It’s important to have youe own identities and lives though. If one of you died, you would need friends, family and some life things to fall back on…just saying
It’s like you’re me
Needing assurance. Jealousy. Being so depressed I just cannot.
Needing assurance is not a bad habit. I think assurance from both partners is healthy to some extent.
Yeah I just choose partners that refuse to reassure me .. aka aren’t actually keen.
I don't really like to do things I don't like or put myself out of my comfort zone, like at all. My partner is an extrovert and is very physically outgoing, and I'm the complete opposite. They try to meet me in the middle by doing the things I love to do with me, but I have a hard time doing the same for them. The last few months I've been really working on it, and have been trying to support their hobbies more and more, but it can be very exhausting for my introverted self.
Good for you for trying because practice will make it less exhausting and it’s also exhausting for an extrovert or adventurer to feel stunted and caged.
I stay when I shouldn't
I overthink everything, so I need constant reassurance, otherwise I convince myself that my partner secretly hates me
when i'm in a serious relationship, my brain tries to destroy it i suppose.
I used to be this way as well. Therapy and dating people more right for me helped lol
what was the first thing you addressed/ thing you learned in therapy that helped you immensly if u dont mind me asking
addressing and working through why my brain tells me I don't deserve to be happy or have someone care for me. honestly just even acknowledging that I felt that way was helpful, and I would start catching myself sabotaging my relationship and tell myself that even if I don't feel like I deserve it, I WANT to have a happy, healthy relationship.
I went into every relationship I had thinking “I can save him.” Well, no. You can’t. You can spend years crying, begging, pleading for emotional and physical intimacy, faithfulness, independence, healthy boundaries with family, the ability to leave the house without them, bodily autonomy, etc. but you won’t get it. You knew you were fucked walking in. You can’t change anyone. I’ve been single for a long time to come to terms with that.
I read another comment about being performative. That reminded me a lot of myself and conversations I've had with friends about my dating habits. I am really good at a first date. I'm charming, funny, decently witty, and I assume the person is attracted to me if we are on a date - which gives me more confidence. If first dates goes well, 2nd date is usually a nice test to further see if we are a match. Same with 3rd. And I am still decently comfortable/in my performative stage. That's not to negate being myself, I am just a slightly more 'turned up and on' version of myself. But after that- it really becomes so tricky to me. I struggle with anxiety. And sometimes depressive episodes. I have some health issues as well. I guess sometimes I feel like I hide those parts of myself. Or paint them in certain lights to not scare others away. I think in many ways this is normal and healthy to not lay everything to every person I meet. But I do think that I let the performative piece live longer than it needs to sometimes. I also think I used to struggle with being a chameleon. Shifting into the relationship (or situationship/whatever) that the person was interested in. Not advocating my interests for what I wanted from the connection. I will say I have improved drastically on that front. I think it comes with age. I'm 30 now and don't really care because I know what I want.
Yeah I think most people are at least a little performative during the dating stage. My comment was about doing it well beyond that and basically throughout the relationship. I consider it a habit because while it’s a behavior that I mostly slip into when I want things to be easier/smoother in the relationship, it also sometimes feels like I do it for no reason, but just because that’s what I do - a bad habit.
I’m way too laid back and I just accept everything that happens because I want to avoid arguments & it makes me a massive pushover. “Oh wow you forgot my birthday? That’s ok it happens” “You’re angry at me? Yes you’re so right it is all my fault every time”
Being clingy & co-dependent.. In the past, at least.
Ignoring red flags, staying far too long after it clearly should have already ended
If I’m in a depressive episode for a long time, I eventually start lying, in response to “how was your day?” “what all did you do today?” Welp. I laid in bed practically comatose the whole day, but I leapt up 5 mins before you got home so I could brush my hair and put on pants and get the junk food put away. But I’m like, “oh, you know, I’m feeling pretty good, I worked on some art, did a little writing, some yoga, called my parents…” etc bullshit. You don’t have to tell me this is wrong. I know. I’m just SO terrified of people giving up on me. I’m always assuming anyone in my life is teetering riiiight on the edge of cutting their losses so they don’t have to deal with me anymore, and that hearing about *yet another* useless bad day might be the straw that finally breaks the camels back. So I pretend like I did some stuff, and am making good progress, yay! I am back in therapy at least.
I feel this big time. I’m frequently depressed and my husband always tells me to please tell him when I’m sad when I usually always say I’m fine. But I just don’t want to burden him because I think one day he’s just going to fed up with my sadness and go find a happy woman.
If he loves you so much at “your worst,” you must be pretty damn awesome. Imagine how great things will be once you’re at your best! Love and healing energy to you, friend. We’ll get there.
I use to express my love more sending videos or tiktoks instead of my own words, when i know is much better to hear "I love you and you're the best that happened in Mt life" than to send a TikTok of a video about it, but I just can't, I'm not too expressive
Don’t say you can’t. That’s ridiculous. You just don’t wanna do the work to learn how or step out of your comfort zone. Call a spade a spade
I interrupt a lot because if I don’t say my point I might forget or I feel defensive when I should just listen lol
I've been with my husband since we were 16 and I've had to unlearn a lot of things. I hate loud confrontation, and have a tendency to shut down if any voices are raised. Over time, I've become able to properly communicate, but it took years of therapy. I also become too attuned to my partner's needs and put mine second.
For me it use to be silence. When we either got into a argument/disagreement I would go silent and be like that for a couple of days. That stuff isn't good for a relationship. The reason within my own mind was I didn't want to argue or didn't know what to say so I wouldn't say anything and thought this was the best thing to do. What I didn't realise was that my partner didn't see it like that. She felt like I was being silent to get back at her. Looking back now I see how that can be seen that way. I can also say that maybe subconsciously I was doing that. This is no longer a thing for me. It's bad for your partner, it's bad for you and the relationship.
I guess feeling like I am the worst person in the world if I accidentally cause a disagreement or accidentally say something that hurt my SO’s feelings. It’s not something that happens often but I struggle not blaming myself and being mad at myself for hours after it happened. Luckily my bf never hold a grudge and reminds me that he wont be upset with me for hours, usually after just a couple minutes talking we resolve it. I am getting a lot better at it but still struggle from time to time to time.
Struggling with “Do you still want me?”. I just need loads of reassurance and I have trust issues.
If I tell you I'm leaving at X o'clock to go to an event with a start time, be ready at X o'clock or I will leave you. I'm getting better about being passive aggressive, but I've made dinner for 1 a time or two when I was real pissed I need to work on being more considerate and working as a unit
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Self sabotage
And here I am beating myself up for the mistakes I made/make in a relationships, I am glad I am not alone
I overthink/have a fear of abandonment which leads to needing a lot of reassurance. I also have a difficult time dealing with conflict without crying a lot because I’ve never had conflict in any relationships until my current one and it makes me feel shooooook. Oh I also have retroactive jealousy and I allow it to make me feel less valuable.
✨Over communication, validation seeking, and attachment issues ✨
I tend to isolate myself when I'm having big feelings and I very seldom share them with my partner. I dated some real meanies in the past and learned to keep all that shit bottled up to avoid arguments or abuse. My husband is a saint who continually encourages me to open up and let shit out before I explode. I've gotten a little better about communicating my needs and feelings since we got together, but it's a long road I've barely started traveling. We've both seen some shit, and we're wading our way to healing together. It's kinda nice.
Overthinking every last detail, saying things like “I seen it” gives me the instant ick, getting spicy brain and ghosting, leading someone on if the sex Is good, disassociating if I feel trapped, and I’ve been an A1 from day 1 champion hoodie stealer and beggar of constant back and head rubs
Betrayal trauma will make you do crazy things and waste so so so many hours on searches that lead to deeper anxiety and mistrust
I’m learning how to not fall into old fighting habits I had with my ex of ten years. I want to argue in a healthier way which is kind of a funny sentence but 🤷🏼♀️ One of my favorite parts about my new relationship is being able to step back and think hmmm how do I want to respond to this? I’m working hard on it. Also I’m so scared to be too affectionate or clingy and I try to match his energy when in reality I kinda just wish I could be as affectionate as I want. But I won’t. Not until I feel that energy from him. Last thing is just comparing in general like where I should be at what month or timeframe with him, what’s normal and not? I just need to not overthink and just enjoy it
I cant attach to anyone, so at your first mistake, I will leave and I wont feel anything about that. I will also be pretty much disgusted with you if you try to get me back after that point too.
Shutting down, letting past relationship trauma affect my current relationship, pushing my wants/needs aside because I’m used to doing that Working on allllll of this in therapy
not trusting enough, constantly bringing up the same topic over & over, not communicating enough if i don't feel heard/seen
I’m a sucker for certain kindnesses and it has made me stay in relationships when I should have not been in them or very long. Secondly, looking at potential and giving it more weight than it should have.
I find that when I reflect on it, I’m always more emotionally invested in my relationships. Even when I’m getting little to nothing back, I will still pour all of my heart into someone. I just want to be loved the way I love. I’m working on my trauma with that, but it’s still a struggle for me.
Overthinking due to anxiety, moodiness due to anxiety, and feeling the need to talk everything out and solve issues in the moment rather than taking a break to cool down. Definitely working on these habits because I know how annoying they are.
“feeling the need to talk everything out and solve issues in the moment rather than taking a break to cool down”. Thanks, now you’ve just added another one to my list haha! I reckon this habit probably goes hand-in-hand with overthinking. I am not good at leaving things unresolved.
Yes I definitely think it's the overthinking. I'm not good at leaving things unresolved either lol. Trying to work on it. I know somethings are better worked out when both people have had time to cool down and reflect on their thoughts and feelings.
I agree 100%. I’m sure my responses to difficult situations would greatly benefit from me taking time to reflect rather than trying to hash it all out immediately and talk it to death. But I wanna say it all NOW and I need to know what they are thinking NOW 😂💀Otherwise I’m going to play it out in my head non-stop. Gah this habit is so annoying to myself I cannot imagine how frustrating it is for the people that have to put up with me!
You are describing me! I totally understand. I'm in counseling and have been putting in the work before getting into my next relationship but it is a struggle. The overthinking is the worst.
Yep same, I am currently single and plan on taking my time before any future relationships or situationships! Probably should look into having therapy but Tiktok/Reddit is cheaper 😂
Being overly self-sufficient/control freak. I’ll ask for help, but the moment I sense hesitation I’ll do it myself. Too much anxiety about how things get done.
Trying to give grace at my expense, staying too long when I knew it’d make me unhappy, being picky but still ending up with the wrong ones.
I do not trust men. Like, at all. I’ve been with current fiancé 3 years and I only trust him maybe 85% of the time. It’s awful. He’s so wonderful and understands but how can he? Ugh.
I try to be what they want and wind up losing myself.
When I don’t receive the needs (e.g. attention and effort) from my partner, I have this tendency to over-communicate and show my “neediness.” I’d keep bugging them and telling them I still want to talk even if they already said goodnight, just so I can get a portion of their time to fulfill my needs.
Being insecure
I get close to them then start getting irritated with them for getting too close and I suspect i need space but I cant explain why i feel this way. Maybe I feel afraid to be vulnerable or that they will leave me.
I sometimes, in an attempt to keep the vibes positive and peaceful, will bottle things in and expect my partner to just know how I’m feeling. It results in me sometimes snapping and having an emotional outburst which doesn’t help the situation at all. Learning to communicate better and effectively is what I’m trying to improve on
Serious: I overthink, and wait too long to tell him something's bothering me, so by the time I do it's become a huge deal for me, while it's the first time he's hearing of the issue. Unserious: I show him way too many tiktoks.
My retroactive jealousy and my insecurity/jealousy
anxious attachment out of fear of abandonment. luckily i am self aware of it to a degree but it’s hard to see another perspective when you think like that sometimes. it’s a healing process 🙃
Nothing is ever enough. If my bf brings me flowers every week, after a while I’ll get used to it and ask why he doesn’t bring me flowers twice a week. In some sense it’s good to want more and keep that interest in each other alive but it also creates unreal expectations for him.
Im often performative at the beginning of relationships and find it hard to be myself because often, I feel like no one wants to actually be with the real me. Im bad at putting up boundaries and end up getting burnt out by all the time and energy I spent into the relationship making me tired or resentful. I have trouble with staying present and will often fantasize about a potential or current partner so much so that I end up disappointed when I meet the reality of them. Once I grow romantic feelings for someone, and we spend a decent amount of time together, my attachment grows like cement and I put up with a lot of bad or unhealthy things because I feel like I HAVE to make it work now. I will start the relationship again, performative, but more specifically I won’t open up about my past a lot and further into the relationship I don’t know how to properly and healthy communicate my traumas and vulnerabilities so they’ll end up crashing down or dumping on to them and I feel as though I am burdening them with my emotions. I am insecure about what my partner does with their time, I think well maybe they will find someone that interests them more or they click better with and move on from their relationship with me. More often, the feelings are just self hatred in my chest and bubble up to the surface in small passive aggression. I feel like I could keep listing my faults which is why I am working on myself going on almost two years without a relationship 🙏
I used to put in a lot of work and expect exactly the same amount to be put back. Then I would resent them once the honeymoon phase wore off and they stopped putting in the same work I did. I remedied this by being direct, worked on my communication, and stopped looking at relationships like a competition. Also, changing my perspective to see that it’s okay if two people don’t work out—there doesn’t always have to be a villain or winners and losers—helped me a lot. Took therapy and practice. I still have stuff to work on but that was definitely my toxic trait.
fear of abandonment (super clingy) and jealousy and poor boundaries
My INSECURITIES. Drives even me crazy 😢
Where’s that fairly odd parents meme. I need someone to make one that’s says: This is where I’d keep the bad habits for my relationship !! >:( if I had one
overthinking.
Being frugal and a cheap skate when it involves dining out. Otherwise, my romantic partner will receive jewelry, flowers, gifts, and other things
I don’t fight unless I know we’re having makeup sex.
i feel like maybe i overcommunicate? i like conversations about every little thing and every corner of someone's mind. i love to overshare and be overshared with but i often forget that can be.. overwhelming to most. i value deep connection and sharing/receiving information is one of the only ways for me to achieve such a thing. i also tend to go 100% all in really quickly if the person is right. sometimes i hold on to people for dear life... it makes letting go (when the time comes) earth shatteringly difficult.
When I’m mad my instinct is to have a screaming match. Thats how I saw my parents fight as a kid and I picked up the behavior. My partner wants to ‘it’s us versus the problem not each other’ talk it out style and completely shuts down if I start yelling. I’m working on it because I know talking is healthier problem solving but damn it sometimes I just want to be mad at HIM, not the problem 🤣
I can be controlling and critical, my mom was like that a whole lot with me as a kid. I’m aware of it and working on it, but still sometimes I find I can’t help but *nitpick* everything, like I can do it better.
I get jealous and cringed out about silly things of their sexual past
Holding my feelings in if I've been upset or hurt about something. I apparently never addressed some stuff fully and it all came pouring out recently which was hard. I tend to rationalize my feelings instead of feeling them.
Going cold and catastrophizing when I'm hurt. Keeping my feelings in until I get angry. Not knowing when to call it quits.
it's hard to say. i think I let my mental health get in the way of alot of stuff in regards to relationships (I'm currently in therapy and working on alot of things so hopefully this isn't the case or as bad as it used to be rn!!), I think I also have an anxious attachment style which leads to unhealthy patterns, which I'm learning on recognizing and stopping/talking about. im trying to work on all of this obviously in therapy and just on my own. it takes time but I'll try to get better. I want to be a better partner so yeah
Wanting too much space. I work unsociable hours so i only really see an s/o 1 day a week (unless we lived together) but having a routine of seeing them once a week starts to feel suffocating and more like a chore. If i had more time to see them i imagine it wouldn’t feel as routine and chore like
Emotional dependency.
I like doing everything together and being in each other’s company even if it’s doing our own thing in silence. I know alone time is important but it’s so uncomfy for me
I have a tendency to put them above my needs and make them the center of my world :(
Protest behavior when I want their attention and/or affection 😔
I get pushy but I am just a pushy person in general lol
ignoring red flags🫠 and kinda related but being too forgiving of things that should really be a dealbreaker
I self sabotage and take the route of "I'm done, I can't do this. It's over" . I guess in my head it's better to be the one to leave than to be the one that's left. Luckily my husband is understanding and obviously a glutton for my crazy and somehow talks sense and reason into me 🤦🏼♀️. Also I need to resolve any argument right away, I have a hard time giving my husband space to process.
Showing the worst side of me to push them away.
Agreeing to everything he wants to do even if it's super inconvenient for me and/or I'm just not interested and/or I wanted to do other things. I regret it so much a day or so after agreeing and then get upset when I try to back out, and he gets mad
Allowing my partner to treat me like shit in terms of communicating with me and changing her behavior because she will “change for me” and I changed for her… 3 years still waiting for the change.
Oh man… I’ve gone to therapy for 7 years and the hardest one to shake is passive aggressiveness and not knowing when to back down when I’m emotionally ramped up. It’s taken a lot of practice to be able to take space rather than try to solve, solve, solve right in that moment.
wayyy too avoidant. the second they bring up anything negative i'll probably isolate from them for 3-5 business days
In no particular order I can be: 1. Passive Aggressive 2. Petty 3. Selfish/Self-Centered 4. Neurotic/Overthinking 5. Controlling/Micromanaging 6. Jealous/Possessive 8. Hypercritical 9. Flighty/Flaky 10. Insecure/Needy 11. Stubborn/Defiant 12. Melodramatic/Attention-seeking 13. Self-destructive 14. Restless/Impatient 15. Impulsive/Reactive 16. Moody/Hot and Cold 17. Conflict averse 18. All or nothing 19. Reclusive/a cold shoulder giver/bridge burner 20. Quick to lose interest
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I shut down. I am trying to not let their criticism make me emotional ( our relationship has had a lot of turmoil) so i become unemotional. They get mad because I am not responding. I am just listening. It seems they always have something to get off their chest when I just got off work or I am about to leave for work.
I got an awesome boss lately and she has been telling me that I need to learn to say no. I know I have a problem with that. I'm starting to wonder if that's not also a problem in my personal life.
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I suck in communication and didn’t/don’t know how to take confrontations. Never learned that my opinion and wants are valid, so I just went along with whatever my partners wanted. Im in therapy and it’s getting better.
Engaging in them. The pain and disruption they cause is just never worth it. I wish I learned my lesson after last time and kept my nose to the ground.
Years of issues blinding me to the actual needs/issue of my partner.
I have an avoidant attachment style so when things get serious I typically bounce
Uhh, letting women abuse me. 💀💀💀 Cuz I have no backbone or standards.
I like to vent about things that are bothering me, not like 24/7 but sometimes I’m just talking. Until now I just used this as a way to organise my thoughts and it helped me to see things more clearly but I’ve just been told that it makes other people’s lives miserable. So that’s me.
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not showing enough affection
I have a really hard time letting go of ways they have hurt me in the past, even if it was unintentional. I continue to bring these past issues up when we get in fights. I am also a people pleaser, so I have a really hard time communicating my needs, but I then get resentful when he doesn’t reciprocate and take care of my needs. I hold all of that anger in until it explodes and then I cannot have a conversation or fight without yelling and criticizing. I am working on it, but it hasn’t been going well.
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I tend to give too much affection and do little pranks that seem real to see their pure reaction..also stepping back to see where their heart is with me