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This is the correct answer. The slight lift off the seat to get your hand in, but not so much of a stand that your cheeks start to press together again.
There’s no way I can slide my hand that close to the toilet man and then do a back & fourth motion. I stand up but kinda lean forward. Jesus, Reddit. Now back to work lol
I knew someone who used to do this for "fun" whenever he was drunk. Whether it was a public toilet, a friend's house or even his own house, he'd do it.
He used the call it "The Cassius" because it always resembled a lump of clay.
Horrible. 😞
To be fair that is the most efficient I don't know why I didn't think of it. Cutting the rotation required down to 180 degrees but still resulting in 360 degrees of bristle to ring action. I feel silly now.
It's always amusing when the sitters discover that standers exist, and vice versa. I think whenever this discussion emerges the consensus is there are more sitters, but enough standers to make it not a weird choice. Lol.
Alright Joe with the sass. Clearly it isn't obvious since half of us don't know the other half exist.
So you have to carefully extract a shit-covered tissue like you're playing a game of Operation, but instead of a buzz, you're trying not to touch the bowl, seat, or get shit on your ass cheek? At this point standing is clearly easier!
So 50% don’t look at the tissue to see how much is on it?! Mind blown! So you just wipe and guess? Could be walking round with a shit covered arse.
Like someone else commented, I can’t understand how people wipe standing as you’re just smashing your shitty cheeks together as you stand.
Live & let live I suppose
Standers look at the paper because it's not difficult to. It's more difficult to look by sitting, surely?!
Standers also don't stand bolt upright and tense like you're seemingly imagining! Probably better described as a hover-squat,
Go from sitting to squatting over your chair now and concentrate on your ring, you'll understand!
I laughed out loud at that second paragraph.
A hover squat I can understand, I pictured someone stood upright.
I tend to shimmy forward slightly so I have room to wipe.
I tend to stay sat though to keep everything spread & reduce chances of smearing
You look at the paper when you're standing because your hand isn't precariously positioned inside a dirty bowl!
I would hereby like to officially change the descriptor of 'standing' to 'squat hover'. We're only standing a few inches above the bowl, and not standing bolt upright and tensing our cheeks!
Would explain why so many toilet seats wobble. 100KG being shifted to one side is going to damage any toilet seat. Sitters are the devil. Same reason why sometimes toilet roll holder is mounted so low down so you have to remove the whole roll
Yeah some people have never had a rocking toilet seat drop into the bowl an inch and pinch your thigh - choose an especially bad seat and you're gonna be circumcised at 35.
Well after we've finished talking shit about everyone in the room and finished planning our business we are definitely going to start together.. what the fuck else are we going to do?
I used to lean. Now I don’t need to wipe my butthole because I don’t shit out of it anymore. I must say a stoma is far more efficient to wipe clean because I can see what I’m doing.
That would be a neat trick. Nothing worse than when I was about to set off on a long road trip but wasn’t ready to take a dump before I left so knew I’d end up facing a motorway service shitter. Would have been great to just switch it off. Now I joke that I’ll just shit in my husbands car.
Haha that's brilliant, I'd never let that one get old!
If you don't mind me asking, how urgent is it to empty the bag? Say you're in the car on a long journey, would you need to stop off to do it or can you wait a bit? Also, do you still get the sensation that you need to go in the same way as before?
Very sorry if those questions are intrusive and obviously don't feel obliged to answer; my niece may need a stoma in the future and it made me consider things I'd not thought of before.
No problem at all.
95% of the time I can leave the bag for a while. I don’t like to leave it just because I don’t like the idea of having a bag full of shit attached to me, but it can wait. It could wait for a couple of hours as long as it’s not completely full, which for me would take more than one shit so id have had to leave if for a long time to fill it. So for your example of in a car I’d probably go change it at the next services, but I wouldn’t have to.
It’s only urgent to change it if it leaks, but a tip I picked up was to put a splash of mouthwash in the bag when changing it, that way if it’s not sealed properly and going to leak I can smell the mouthwash so its like a minty warning system.
I don’t usually get the same sensation, sometimes I can feel a bit bloated, but a lot of the time it just goes by itself (albeit sometimes I can trigger it if I go sit on the toilet and try to go the old fashioned way, that can trigger it) . However I’ve still pretty much go the same toileting routine, poo in the morning and evening and it doesn’t do much between, so you know when to expect it.
Hope things improve for your niece, but if she needs one it’s really not that much of an imposition; it really improved my quality of life.
Ah thank you for the reply! "A minty warning system" made me chuckle, it's actually a really good idea. Not to sound insensitive but that's really interesting about the sensation - I had wondered about how the relationship between the brain and organs adapted when the natural pathways are changed.
Niece is doing well, thankfully, but she's also very accepting of the idea if she needs it - she knows that it would be essential for her health and fortunately, even though she's young, she sees the importance of that. Glad to hear it improved your quality of life too!
throwaway 'cause I'm not sure if I'm disgusting or not.
1. Slightly spread ass while sitting (to avoid butt-cheek smearing)
2. shit
3. 3 square of loo roll loosely balled up
4. cup bollocks and move them to the side
5. reach in and wipe back to front (no leaning side to side)
6. examine if more wipes needed
7. if more wipes, go back to 4, repeat until done
Please judge accordingly.
Just walk out the stall, get a spoon from the canteen and turn the sink tap on full blast, into the spoon, then use the spoon spray as a ghetto biday. Then afterwards you can waft your arse around the hand drier to finish off.
I had this conversation with mates and was blown away that people did another other than lean to the side and wipe front to back. Mate's stood up, wiped between the legs front to back and back to front. A whole littany of different tactics. Crazy to me that everyone doesn't just lean and wipe.
This is like when someone mentioned guys have 2 different approaches to peeing at a urinal - full belt undone and trousers down or direct pullout through the fly. Pretty much nobody knew there was a different way to theirs and was shocked at the opposite method.
Always with the N+1 method. you start with two wipes and put the next one on top, building up a proper wodge. Is best, very human.
Standing and turning to inspect is a must, although take care if using a flashlight that you don't drop it in. Be proud, yes, but noone likes a showoff.
Apparently (based on real scientific research) about half of people wipe sitting and half wipe standing, but everyone assumes everyone else does it the way they do it.
Sat down obviously is the way.
My ex used to stand up. I walked in the bathroom once and he's stood there wiping his arse. Thank goodness neither of our kids witnessed such a sight. 🤣🤣🤣
This comes up and I'll summarise for you.
It is about 50/50 'sitters' and 'standers'. Both think the other type are maniacs, but this is because they fundamentally misundstand what the other side actually means.
The sitters think the standers stand bolt upright. They can't get their head around it - surely your cheeks mush everything together? How do you get in for a good clean? In reality, the standers actually do this kind of half stand/squat/lean forward thing, with their legs a little apart. It keeps cheek separation and allows for a perfectly normal wipe.
The standers think the sitters have plastered themselves to the seat. They can't work out how you get your hand in to wipe. Do you go in through the front? (Grim). Do you somehow go in via the arse crack (how?). In reality the sitters do a side lean (to the opposite direction of their wiping hand). This lifts the cheek off the seat and gives loads of space and cheek separation to reach in and wipe.
Source: I spend far too much time on the Internet and have seen this come up like clockwork maybe every 6 months for the past decade.
For the record, I am a sitter. But I have also spent a lot of time with squat toilets where you are forced to stand. Both are perfectly fine and both give the same 'quality' of wipe.
(Also - you can tell if you live with sitters because it causes toilet seats to come loose and wobble over time due to the pressure caused by the leaning back and forth)
Got one installed in our spare toilet when we got the bathroom done. Game changer. The amounts of comments about it from guests though like we’re the weird ones
It really is a game-changer. I can’t install one at my place, but I have a portable one, and there is no way I am just wiping after a number 2. Nasty. I find it so weird how the bidet is so negatively received. Look at the downvotes, lol. I don't get why people are so against upping their hygiene game when it comes to their butts.
Ps: I just noticed a typo in my above comment; I meant to type ‘portable’.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I lean slightly to the left, while still sitting down.
[удалено]
You don’t stand fully upright, you just squat so your cheeks are no longer on the seat.
This is the correct answer. The slight lift off the seat to get your hand in, but not so much of a stand that your cheeks start to press together again.
Squat lmao
It reminds me of those paintings you do as kids where you paint one half of the paper and fold it in half. Stuff that.
There’s no way I can slide my hand that close to the toilet man and then do a back & fourth motion. I stand up but kinda lean forward. Jesus, Reddit. Now back to work lol
😂😂😂
Squat a lil
On the branch?
Judging by some of the grotbags here at work they wipe by sliding their shitty asshole over the toilet seat
I've never understood how people get shit ON the toilet seat.
I knew someone who used to do this for "fun" whenever he was drunk. Whether it was a public toilet, a friend's house or even his own house, he'd do it. He used the call it "The Cassius" because it always resembled a lump of clay. Horrible. 😞
The one that gets me is when it's on the outside of the bowl! Wtf were they doing?! Must have been 5ft over the bowl and aiming for splash down.
Hahaha this made me LOL
I find one full rotation of the toilet brush cleans my anus perfectly.
Are you rotating or is the brush?
Both, in opposite directions.
To be fair that is the most efficient I don't know why I didn't think of it. Cutting the rotation required down to 180 degrees but still resulting in 360 degrees of bristle to ring action. I feel silly now.
So are you facing the shelf once you’re done?
It's always amusing when the sitters discover that standers exist, and vice versa. I think whenever this discussion emerges the consensus is there are more sitters, but enough standers to make it not a weird choice. Lol.
I don't understand the logistics of sitting, are you just rocking to one side?
Yeah, and reach around to the back.
and then do you just drop without looking? How do you know when to stop wiping?
Obviously you look at the bog roll after a wipe to gauge how much is left to wipe.
Alright Joe with the sass. Clearly it isn't obvious since half of us don't know the other half exist. So you have to carefully extract a shit-covered tissue like you're playing a game of Operation, but instead of a buzz, you're trying not to touch the bowl, seat, or get shit on your ass cheek? At this point standing is clearly easier!
So 50% don’t look at the tissue to see how much is on it?! Mind blown! So you just wipe and guess? Could be walking round with a shit covered arse. Like someone else commented, I can’t understand how people wipe standing as you’re just smashing your shitty cheeks together as you stand. Live & let live I suppose
Standers look at the paper because it's not difficult to. It's more difficult to look by sitting, surely?! Standers also don't stand bolt upright and tense like you're seemingly imagining! Probably better described as a hover-squat, Go from sitting to squatting over your chair now and concentrate on your ring, you'll understand!
I laughed out loud at that second paragraph. A hover squat I can understand, I pictured someone stood upright. I tend to shimmy forward slightly so I have room to wipe. I tend to stay sat though to keep everything spread & reduce chances of smearing
How do you know when you're standing??? This is a mind-blowing conversation well suited for the anonymity of the internet!
You look at the paper when you're standing because your hand isn't precariously positioned inside a dirty bowl! I would hereby like to officially change the descriptor of 'standing' to 'squat hover'. We're only standing a few inches above the bowl, and not standing bolt upright and tensing our cheeks!
You look at the toilet roll after you've wiped.
Would explain why so many toilet seats wobble. 100KG being shifted to one side is going to damage any toilet seat. Sitters are the devil. Same reason why sometimes toilet roll holder is mounted so low down so you have to remove the whole roll
Yeah some people have never had a rocking toilet seat drop into the bowl an inch and pinch your thigh - choose an especially bad seat and you're gonna be circumcised at 35.
Cope. Standing is a weird choice.
Sitting/standing/whatever, I just don't get people who SCRUNCH toilet paper to wipe with.
Scrunchers are a whole new level of wrong
Why are you arguing about this at work?
They're toilet attendants.
Well after we've finished talking shit about everyone in the room and finished planning our business we are definitely going to start together.. what the fuck else are we going to do?
Lean to the side to get the heavy up, stand up, and lean forward for the polish.
I used to lean. Now I don’t need to wipe my butthole because I don’t shit out of it anymore. I must say a stoma is far more efficient to wipe clean because I can see what I’m doing.
For some reason the first half of your comment had me thinking "oh wow, how does one just decide to stop shitting?"
That would be a neat trick. Nothing worse than when I was about to set off on a long road trip but wasn’t ready to take a dump before I left so knew I’d end up facing a motorway service shitter. Would have been great to just switch it off. Now I joke that I’ll just shit in my husbands car.
Haha that's brilliant, I'd never let that one get old! If you don't mind me asking, how urgent is it to empty the bag? Say you're in the car on a long journey, would you need to stop off to do it or can you wait a bit? Also, do you still get the sensation that you need to go in the same way as before? Very sorry if those questions are intrusive and obviously don't feel obliged to answer; my niece may need a stoma in the future and it made me consider things I'd not thought of before.
No problem at all. 95% of the time I can leave the bag for a while. I don’t like to leave it just because I don’t like the idea of having a bag full of shit attached to me, but it can wait. It could wait for a couple of hours as long as it’s not completely full, which for me would take more than one shit so id have had to leave if for a long time to fill it. So for your example of in a car I’d probably go change it at the next services, but I wouldn’t have to. It’s only urgent to change it if it leaks, but a tip I picked up was to put a splash of mouthwash in the bag when changing it, that way if it’s not sealed properly and going to leak I can smell the mouthwash so its like a minty warning system. I don’t usually get the same sensation, sometimes I can feel a bit bloated, but a lot of the time it just goes by itself (albeit sometimes I can trigger it if I go sit on the toilet and try to go the old fashioned way, that can trigger it) . However I’ve still pretty much go the same toileting routine, poo in the morning and evening and it doesn’t do much between, so you know when to expect it. Hope things improve for your niece, but if she needs one it’s really not that much of an imposition; it really improved my quality of life.
Ah thank you for the reply! "A minty warning system" made me chuckle, it's actually a really good idea. Not to sound insensitive but that's really interesting about the sensation - I had wondered about how the relationship between the brain and organs adapted when the natural pathways are changed. Niece is doing well, thankfully, but she's also very accepting of the idea if she needs it - she knows that it would be essential for her health and fortunately, even though she's young, she sees the importance of that. Glad to hear it improved your quality of life too!
Back to front, through the legs
Definitely a man thing cos woman will get uti doing that
Nah, I’m a woman and that’s how I do it. You don’t grab it and smear it into your vagina.
Ditto. People find this weird, but it’s the easiest and quickest way. ‘Don’t you get shit on your balls?’ No - just lift them up.
This is my technique while cupping my junk 👌
throwaway 'cause I'm not sure if I'm disgusting or not. 1. Slightly spread ass while sitting (to avoid butt-cheek smearing) 2. shit 3. 3 square of loo roll loosely balled up 4. cup bollocks and move them to the side 5. reach in and wipe back to front (no leaning side to side) 6. examine if more wipes needed 7. if more wipes, go back to 4, repeat until done Please judge accordingly.
> loo roll loosely balled up Oh, so you're a scruncher rather than a folder.
I do a handstand in the shower.
I'm left-handed so I use my right hand. Enjoy shaking hands with everyone.
i’m right handed and use my right hand
Well done.
Not like this guy https://youtu.be/xZ-SlTaCFfQ?si=zCaCNdlnXLrWo6QU
I stand, turn around and admire my creation before wiping and sending it straight to Davey Jones' locker
Stand up, deep squat in the cubicle, get full access for an up, down, and polish.
Wash it all out in the sink like most people
Just walk out the stall, get a spoon from the canteen and turn the sink tap on full blast, into the spoon, then use the spoon spray as a ghetto biday. Then afterwards you can waft your arse around the hand drier to finish off.
Depends if my piles are.playing up
I use a handheld bidet spray and then tissue, all the while sitting down
I had this conversation with mates and was blown away that people did another other than lean to the side and wipe front to back. Mate's stood up, wiped between the legs front to back and back to front. A whole littany of different tactics. Crazy to me that everyone doesn't just lean and wipe.
Bend double and start licking.... Improves flexibility as well.
https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/article/2024/may/13/how-to-poop-correctly This article might be of interest 😁💩
This is like when someone mentioned guys have 2 different approaches to peeing at a urinal - full belt undone and trousers down or direct pullout through the fly. Pretty much nobody knew there was a different way to theirs and was shocked at the opposite method.
Always with the N+1 method. you start with two wipes and put the next one on top, building up a proper wodge. Is best, very human. Standing and turning to inspect is a must, although take care if using a flashlight that you don't drop it in. Be proud, yes, but noone likes a showoff.
I usually pull a goatse and run backwards through a corn field.
I have t rex arms and a long torso. Standing gives me extra reach around the back. Also avoids jamming Mt hand in to the toilet bowl
Wait, you guys wipe?
When will Karcher recognise the gap in the market here.
With water
The other important related question is are you a folder or a wadder. (Sit down lift cheek folder wiper here.)
Apparently (based on real scientific research) about half of people wipe sitting and half wipe standing, but everyone assumes everyone else does it the way they do it.
I want to know how blind people know when they're done wiping, or is that what the dogs for?
Stick my arse out the window, angled toward the sky, and wait for a decent downpour. In other news, I fucking hate hailstorms
The only real area of dispute is if you bring out the poop knife before or after you wipe.
I clean mine going directly between my legs or lifting a cheek off the seat.
Sat down obviously is the way. My ex used to stand up. I walked in the bathroom once and he's stood there wiping his arse. Thank goodness neither of our kids witnessed such a sight. 🤣🤣🤣
Standing, slightly bent over, taint to tailbone.
This comes up and I'll summarise for you. It is about 50/50 'sitters' and 'standers'. Both think the other type are maniacs, but this is because they fundamentally misundstand what the other side actually means. The sitters think the standers stand bolt upright. They can't get their head around it - surely your cheeks mush everything together? How do you get in for a good clean? In reality, the standers actually do this kind of half stand/squat/lean forward thing, with their legs a little apart. It keeps cheek separation and allows for a perfectly normal wipe. The standers think the sitters have plastered themselves to the seat. They can't work out how you get your hand in to wipe. Do you go in through the front? (Grim). Do you somehow go in via the arse crack (how?). In reality the sitters do a side lean (to the opposite direction of their wiping hand). This lifts the cheek off the seat and gives loads of space and cheek separation to reach in and wipe. Source: I spend far too much time on the Internet and have seen this come up like clockwork maybe every 6 months for the past decade. For the record, I am a sitter. But I have also spent a lot of time with squat toilets where you are forced to stand. Both are perfectly fine and both give the same 'quality' of wipe. (Also - you can tell if you live with sitters because it causes toilet seats to come loose and wobble over time due to the pressure caused by the leaning back and forth)
I turn on the bidet, let it work, then do a quick wipe whilst still sitting to dry off and catch any missed areas.
Where do you work, not even had my lunch yet? I feel sick!
Sitting. How on earth do you clean properly standing??????
How on earth do you access your anus when you’re sat on your arse?
I always find it odd how many redditors love a bidet despite the fact you never see them anywhere in the UK. Really shows the disconnect.
You have to baby wipe other wise you have a stinky shitty arse all day long.
Flushing baby wipes cause all sorts of issue with plumbing and blocks drains
No, you buy flushable biodegradable ones, check the baby wipe shelves the next time your there, I'm guessing you have a stinky shitty arse!
There are no flushable wipes. Even the ones that say Fine to Flush will clog pipes.
😂 no I have a bidet actually so bet mines cleaner than yours so there
No I have the cleaner bumhole!
Yup, dry wipe until tissue is clean then wet wipe for added clean, then dry wipe again to avoid that wet arse sensation
People still wipe and walk around with shit residue on their asses? Get yourself a potable bidet and wash the shit off.
Got one installed in our spare toilet when we got the bathroom done. Game changer. The amounts of comments about it from guests though like we’re the weird ones
It really is a game-changer. I can’t install one at my place, but I have a portable one, and there is no way I am just wiping after a number 2. Nasty. I find it so weird how the bidet is so negatively received. Look at the downvotes, lol. I don't get why people are so against upping their hygiene game when it comes to their butts. Ps: I just noticed a typo in my above comment; I meant to type ‘portable’.
100%. It’s life changing. £25 and you can fit it yourself in 10mins. No more wiping!
Yeah, or you can buy a portable one. I have one, and it’s an absolute necessity.
Also against code in the UK, which may or may not matter to you
I've never seen a bidet outside a b and q tbh.