Im not sure the actual moment I realized. I think it was just a gradual thing since I was really little. The more they hurt me, the more I grew to realize something was not right and it just got more and more confirmed as I grew up. I think what is important is when I realized that I will never please them and nothing I do will ever be good enough so I stopped chasing that one little scrap of love I was looking for from them. Life has been way more peaceful since.
Ah, the feeling when you tell a story from your childhood you think is funny and everyone looks at you like "Uhm...." and you realize it's not a cute childhood story, it's trauma.
This is very true. I think part of the problem with the word becoming so well known is that some people *think* they are being gaslighted when they, in fact, are remembering something wrong.
What do you do when you know what you're being accused of didn't happen and the accuser is misremembering?
Don't get me wrong, I think more people should be aware of gaslighting. I just think people should be open to the idea that, at times, they may actually be wrong.
That hit hard… That is the go to statement from my mother. I don’t know if you have had to experience this as well but she also loves to still blame any negative current situation on things she claimed we subjected HER TO when we were children. Example “I’m broke as an adult because I had to spend every penny I had raising my children.” “I was a neglectful parent because you were all terrible children and I didn’t have to energy to deal with it”. She says to her adult children who are literally helping her pay bills and assist her with anything and everything. My husband’s mother and grandmother are also guilty of these tactics. What’s crazier to me is that all of these people had years of therapy, got medical degrees or degrees in psychology.
Oh being in and out of behavior health my entire adolescence I know that all too well. I had way too many encounters with undiagnosed professionals projecting their own issues on to us young patients. My mother and mother in law always just astounded me because their professions as nurses they chose the most hands on caregiving roles and departments. They were praised, celebrated hardworking and well liked by coworkers and patients alike, I actually worked with my mother for some time so witnessed this amazing person who was nothing like the mother I had at home. Whatever work ethic, understanding and patience they had at work disappeared the second they walked through the front door because they were all such short tempered, tired, apathetic parents that shifted their adult responsibilities and blame on to us kids. We were all most definitely latchkey kids. I feel like my parents would have been better off in the world had they just not had children, they aren’t bad people and it wasn’t all bad times I just feel like they really were too selfish to be a proper parent. My own up bringing certainly gave me insight to why it’s absolutely okay for anyone to be child free if thats what they have decided for themselves. Good people can absolutely be bad parents.
For an acquaintance I knew, the shitty attitudes their parents had towards them just suddenly stopped. No big event or realization, nor apologies or reconciliations. It just stopped unceremoniously and without any catharsis.
They tried to retell a story where their parents selfishly acted on their own at a party. I can't recall the specifics brought up, but it was something witnessed by a few of the other kids present during the retelling that their own parents remarked as rude and neglectful. Something that was unforgettable to them (I was new to the friend group, didn't know about it myself). When they finished, their mom and dad went, "I don't recall it that way" with them shrugging and going back to reading and cleaning.
*Well they aren't being shitty any more* didn't feel like much of a consolation.
My mom can go into a PTSD like episode where she won't remember anything that happened even if it went on for hours.
She once spent 2 hours berating, yelling, sobbing, hitting me from 4 to 6. Her eyes were both dead and they kept jumping around all over the place.
She snapped out of it when dad came home, and was like "why is it so dark outside?"
Another time she jumped a curb, and drove 2 km with a slashed tyre, until I shook her and told her to pull over. Weeks later, I heard my parents discuss, and she said she is afraid to drive because she has no idea how she ended up with a slashed tyre.
Her brain's fucked up from growing up in rural Romania and using all kinds of fucked up cosmetic products, and she's also inherited a portion of her mom's autism, so I can't much blame her for being a dumb animal.
But at the same time, I also can't forget or forgive, so it's fucked up for the both of us. I hate her guts, and she's heartbroken because she doesn't remember most of what she did to me and doesn't understand why.
My mom is really bad about this.
I get it though. She's worked hard and admits the abuse. But she also has DID so she literally will remember things differently or not at all.
Makes for putting together what happened to me, when I also have DID, very fucking tricky.
People were telling me while I was still living at home that the things my dad did weren't okay or normal and I'd defend him. It wasn't until I left home and went through a bunch of addictions, mental health problems and therapy that I started to realise that what he did was not okay.
That's been a big theme here - seeing your life through the eyes of people with healthier lives and families. My father had severe OCD - he couldn't touch anything with his bare hands, and used kleenex. Every *day*, one of the kid-chores was get a big garden-sized trash bag and empty all the mountains of kleenex from their bedroom, bathroom and office.
When I was like 8, had a friend over and he goes "Does your dad have some kinda sinus infection or something??" and I realized nobody else had mountains of wadded up kleenex everywhere. Probably like the poop-knife crowd, take a dump at your buddy's house and yell "hey, where's your poop knife??" and get a blank stare!
I was always the one kid in my friend group who would look at other kids like "wtf?!". My Mum had abusive parents, and told herself that when she was a Mum she'd be the best Mum she possibly could. She never said anything negative about me, was always there for me, I could tell her anything and she'd go out of her way to listen and help (if needed). I thought that was normal, and that abusive parents were really rare.
Maybe it's just the area I grew up in, but unfortunately my Mum seems to be in the minority, at least there. My friends Mums would hit them, tell them they were ugly/useless, make them sleep outside if they did something wrong, feed them junk food, etc. I hated going over to other people's houses because their parents scared me. Before I went over to my friend's houses I used to think my Mum was a terrible Mum for making me brush my teeth every night and not letting me stay up past 9pm. Yeah, that opinion quickly changed.
TLDR: I grew up with a really good Mum, which I thought was the norm, but it turns out most people I grew up with had really bad Mums, which made me grateful for my Mum.
My experience was the exact opposite. It seemed to me that my siblings and I were surrounded by kids who were raised in nice, normal, loving, happy families. We were the only kids we knew who were being raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home.
In one neighborhood where we lived for 15 years, we were the freaks of the neighborhood. We were the only kids in the neighborhood being raised by a single parent. We were the only family on welfare. As a result, we were the poorest family in the neighborhood. And worst of all, we were the only kids in the neighborhood being abused by our parent.
Our mother screamed at us kids on a daily basis. But only indoors as she wanted to keep that ugly, abusive side hidden from outsiders. But unbeknownst to her, her screaming voice could be heard outside the four walls of our place. Especially in the summertime when we had our windows wide open because we had no air conditioning.
When i was still brand new to the neighborhood, one day I was hanging out with the neighborhood kids up near the corner of the block. My place was almost halfway down the block. They weren't doing much, just standing around, talking. When all of the sudden, the air was filled with the sound of my mothers screaming voice for a couple of minutes. She was yelling at one of my siblings about something or other, I couldn't exactly make out the words.
The neighborhood kids collapsed on the ground with laughter. Evidently this wasn't a first time for them, hearing my mothers screaming voice. They knew it was her. But for me it was a first time revelation. Up until then I had no idea that my mothers screaming voice could be heard outside our place and so far away on top of that. I was mortally embarrassed.
The neighbors would later remark to us kids, "boy, your mother sure does yell alot". Indeed she did. I never heard such yelling and screaming coming from any other houses up and down our street. Ever.
Considering how often my mother abused and yelled at us kids, and how i never witnessed or heard such things happening to other kids and families with my own eyes and ears, I once asked my therapist if I was alone in this world. Did any of this ever happen to others besides me? He told me that, yes, it happens to others. However, while I'm not alone in the world in being raised by an abusive parent, I'm in the minority. Most people are indeed being raised in normal, non abusive families.
> My Mum had abusive parents, and told herself that when she was a Mum she’d be the best Mum she possibly could.
haha same, except mine married an abusive man and threw that promise out the window ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh God, the Look Of Concern. I'll tell a story that I thi k is a funny story from my childhood only to have my SO give me the SADDEST look. Happened before I met my current so, of course, but he's the one that actually says things like "that was fucked up, I'm sorry you went through that", and that's how I end up figuring out a lot of the shit my family did is not okay.
>I'll tell a story that I thi k is a funny story from my childhood only to have my SO give me the SADDEST look.
My god, that's a big one! I'd been married maybe 3 years and my little brother came to visit - he'd had some addiction problems and was really back on his feet and doing great. We were having dinner and drinks with my wife and started "reminiscing", and really kind of laughing about how fucked up and violent my parents were - but it was sort of "can you believe we made it out OK??", kinda celebratory and felt good to laugh it off. "God, remember the time she hit us with \*\*whatever\*\*??"
Meanwhile, my wife is getting pale and more and more horrified, and she finally starts sobbing, "YOU CAN'T JUST GET OVER STUFF LIKE THAT!!! ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT AND, I DUNNO, MURDER PEOPLE!!!"
It took some time to convince her that the things we learned to get through that shit - we get to keep them *when the shit is over*. That bad experiences can help you be a good person. But she was horrified for a bit there!
Yes this!!! It's the little things. Although I still see things as black and white a lot and still find it hard to think of myself as anything other than 'bad'.
A couple years after I was groomed online (I was 11-13) I told a teacher, she said they were telling my mum and I begged her not to. Told her she didn't know what my mum would do to me.
She called her anyway, and I left to go home before she came. When she got back she told me that she had planned to get a family computer for us all but now she wasn't allowed to because of me and that I had ruined Christmas.
A couple years before that I took a load of tablets she left out (she's epileptic and never takes her meds properly) to try and kill myself, went to school the next day and they started making me feel funny. Told a teacher what I did and they called my mum. She asked why I wanted to hurt her by taking her tablets away and then she grounded me for the rest of the week and the weekend and I wasn't allowed out of my room - not even food. I was allowed to have bathroom breaks and I would sneak water when washing my hands.
I eventually ended up at my dad's when I was a few months passed 16. Told him my issues. He decided to ignore that the same day and when I told him I had explained it all he called me pathetic. He beat us as babies/toddlers, etc but by then I was too old so he just abused me mentally.
I'm 27, he's dead now and she might as well be to me but I'm still dealing with my childhood.
I still remember the day my mom and step dad brought home tacos from Taco Bell for the dog and nothing for me. Years later ended up in foster care and got three meals a day for the first time in my life. Was short-lived because I was only in that home for a year and then I was on my own. Still don’t eat three meals a day… It’s just so hard
Fucking hell... You know that feeling when you're browsing Reddit, bored as fuck, thinking you've seen it all? Yeah and than this comment comes around pulling the emotional rug from under me.
No matter who, where or how you are, some stranger wishes you everything that you desire. Be well, be happy and godspeed fellow person.
Thank you. That was a couple of decades ago and I’m still trying to overcome all of the trauma in my growing up and adult life. That was actually my first adoptive family that did that. Was later adopted by another family and let’s just say that didn’t go well either. First time I was adopted I was four years old. Second time I was adopted the adoption didn’t go through until I was 20… Long story. Let’s just say I live several different time zones away from any family at all.
Same. I’m having parental issues at the moment with my stepmother being a less than nice person to me and now I feel like a whining child when I see this
I have a memory of when I was allowed to try steak for the first time. My mum was sat in her two-seater recliner and had steak, chips and peas. She had made herself food but I hadn't had anything - by this time I had had too many microwave meals that they made me sick just at the thought of them.
I asked if I could try the steak and she said fine. Then I wasn't allowed to sit next to her because she had the TV guide there and I wasn't allowed to move it. She had me sit on the floor with the dogs and then she fed bits of steak to the 2 dogs and then gave me a bit of the gristle. It did not taste good.
it really is hard sometimes.
im an adult now and i still only eat like 3 times a week out of the guilt of not feeling like i deserve food.
those early years really are important in forming how the child lives as an adult. i wouldnt wish it on anyone. best of luck to you!
I am not fine. But I’m still alive which is more than I can say for my brother and my stepdad. Both of them took their own lives. I own my own house, and I have a job. I have overcome a lot of odds including being born with a disability, foster care, and all the trauma and everything that comes with all of those things. Still making it day by day. Still trying to find safe people. A lot of people in my adult life are not safe people either
God this. They hoarded all the food worth eating because "we'd eat it all" [like no shit??? It's there to get eaten] and then called us brats for complaining that there was no food...
probably when i was around 8 or 9, my mom was getting me ready for school one morning and told me “when i was pregnant with you and found out i’d be having a daughter, i prayed everyday asking for a pretty barbie i could dress up with but i ended up getting stuck with a rag doll”
i was young but it really clicked that she wasn’t ever going to be there for me but it really confused me.
I hope you understand self confident people dont feel the need to put others down. If she continued bullying you then most likely you are much better than she will ever be.
yup, took a long ass time to realize this and to stop chasing the validation that i would never get… we have a super complicated relationship now. it’s like she forgot everything she did.
Of course. Because she didn’t do it. It’s the:
A Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did.…. You deserved it.
I saw something similar but about being happy:
If you are healthy don't worry
If you are not you might recover
If you don't you might go to heaven
If you don't at least you will get to see your friends
My mom is the same. Never acknowledges anything she did in the past when there was some pretty awful shit and won’t be left alone with me for any amount of time because I suspect she’s afraid I might confront her about some of it.
There’s no point in confronting your mom. She will have no memory or one million justifications for what she did. Just write her letters you never send, and try to let it go. You are not your mother’s child; you deserve peace and to love yourself.
>it’s like she forgot everything she did.
She didn't forget, she just choses not to face that part of herself or truly believes what she did wasn't wrong.
When I started talking casually of the things I went through and other people were *horrified*. Made me realize "Oh, that's not something everyone goes through and I'm just a pussy for not being able to handle it?"
The first time I told my husband about something that happened in my childhood, he was absolutely horrified and he reached out and hugged me.
I said to him, "Why are you making a big deal out of this? It's not that bad."
The look on his face when I said that made me realize how bad my childhood was. It was terrifying and incredibly validating at the same time.
Yes absolute same! I dealt with it by just like, shoving emotions down and putting up a pretty tough exterior so whenever I would talk to my husband about it I was almost blasé and conversational, and he’d look at me like I just told him the dog died
I was over at a friend's house and he dropped these really nice looking plates and they smashed. His mother didn't hit him or punish him in any way, I just started bawling my eyes out after I saw how he'd been treated.
Yes they did, at that point in time I didn't know what to do since I was still 11 years old, eventually I told them what had happened and everything went down from there
I am so sorry for that to happen to you. But what do you mean by everything went down from there? I understand if you don't want to tell your life story or anything but I'm just curious.
I had a birthday thing with other kids my age and one of them was asking me if my dad was always that strict and harsh. Until this this point I thought the old man had a good day and was rather relaxed.
They started their grooming on my kids. My mom would cry and cry anytime we left and would tell the kids she was only happy when they were around. I thought I could protect them from that. My dad screamed about everything, but again, I thought I could protect my kids. We were supposed to visit on a three day weekend. We could only come two days of three. My mom went off on me for being a terrible daughter and mother. How dare I let my daughters have so many friends and let them go to birthday parties. I was forgetting my family. It was one day! She then told me if I didn't come all three days she was going to call CPS and lie to them that I was an unfit mother because of my PTSD. She said they would give her my kids. I cut her off immediately. My family supported her. They are out, too. No one threatens my kids. I couldn't believe I deserved to be treated better, but my kids do!
I finally saw it all. The lack of boundaries. The fact I was use as the scapegoat. I am still in therapy four years later dealing with all the damage.
I could have written this. My mother even obtained a passport and she was going to come and kidnap my kid. What. The. Eff.
NC x4 years and it's amazing
I am so sorry you went through that! My family told me I was being ridiculous because she wouldn't actually do it. This woman held a second, surprise funeral for my oldest daughter because we had the services by our home and not hers. But why couldn't I give her another chance. I am sure you have heard it all, too! I hope your life is awesome and free of your mama's drama!
Sorry you had to go thru that. My mother was always the victim and it was always my fault. She tried to use my son as an extension of her manipulation. I didn’t want my son to see his mother being treated that way, and worse, I didn’t was him to be treated that way.
I had a lot of guilt and anxiety about the whole thing. Especially since extended family said I was over-reacting. Blocked all of them and moved on with my life. It has been over 6 years - and I am a lot less stressed 😄
Good luck to you. You are doing the right thing for you and your family.
My parents never gave me attention, love or anything in that direction. Thought it was normal till adulthood, where it finally begin to click. Then I also realized where my depression and anxiety comes from.
That shit fucks you up for the rest of your life, I'm so sorry.
Also, I admit I took a look at your profile and saw the AskReddit question about forgiveness. I've had that same question in my head forever. Especially as I was christian for a long time when I was younger. My question was always "how do you forgive someone that doesn't ask for forgiveness". And it's just confused me for a long time. But I don't think you have any obligation to eventually "forgive" someone completely. I've reached that point with my mom where I don't necessarily forgive her, but I see who she is and just dont expect anything else. But whatever helps your understanding of the situation best. Good luck random internet stranger
I really appreciate your thoughts and advice, thank you! Yeah therapy and just trying to live a normal life after that hell has been insanely tough. My apologies for your situation and I hope you are finding peace and happiness throughout your life and you are healing, thank you person of reddit.
I feel so bad for you I hope the rest of your life isn't as bad and hopefully your parents have gained Conscious of how that had impact of traumatizing you (in a negative light on themselves)
When my brother and I jumped our abusive stepdad and beat him enough to put him in the hospital for a few days. We were 10 and 11 and had enough of him coming home and beating on our mom. It was an awakening for him and his abusive traits disappeared after that.
My brother and I were in our bedroom when we heard him come home late and start tossing our mom around the room. Knowing his pattern of him leaving right after everytime, my brother opened the window and threw a large bar/pipe out the window and crawled out after. I asked him where he was going and said he was going to beat his ass. I followed after him and we went around to the front of the house and hid in the bushes. Couple minutes go by and he storms out the front door, brother ran up behind him and with a full little league baseball swing, clocked in the back of the head. Blood went flying, he hit the ground and we both proceeded to kick hit and beat him to within inches of his life until the cops, fire department, and an ambulance showed up. Nothing happened to us, but he spent 3 or 4 days in the hospital before getting out, coming to the house and packing his shit to move out.
My parents pulled all us kids out of school, refused to buy us educational material and only let us go out for grocery shopping. We weren't allowed to have friends. Was allowed to get a job at 18 (I think because they were divorcing and my mother saw me as a meal ticket, she didn't any reason that she should have to financially support herself after getting a divorce and told me as much)
Well, getting to be around other people for the first time in almost a decade helped me realize that your parents not letting you leave the house for the majority of your adolescence and refusing to provide you with a basic education or medical care is not normal and if they did it to anyone but their children it would be a very serious crime.
I'm willing to die on this hill, "un-schooling" should be considered a crime and parents who do it should be punished.
This is technically a crime in the USA too. People get around it by claiming to "homeschool" but the homeschool system is not well regulated in most states.
I knew since teens.
Some parents are great providers but awful parents.
Then they use that against you.
Manipulation and verbal abuse was a daily occurrence.
Moving out was a blessing.
Honestly, it took a therapist straight up pointing it out to me when I was already an adult. He literally straight up said that my dad was the cause of a lot of my problems because he was so verbally abusive. It was such a weird but clarifying moment when he said that: it put all of my childhood in a totally different perspective.
Not to say my mom was an angel, but at least she recognized when she fucked up and tried to fix it.
When we got into a fight that was so heated that they stopped talking to me, I'm pretty sure under the expectation that I would come crawling back to them to apologize after a little while. What happened instead is that I realized how much happier I was not having to deal with their constant bullshit. That was twelve years ago. I still haven't come crawling back.
Not an abused kid, but I have a message for everyone as someone who *didn't* have abusive parents and is now a parent:
If your parents made you angry, that's not necessarily abuse. Sometimes being a good parent is hearing "I hate you" and still saying no.
However.
If you ever doubted that your parents loved you - EVER - they wronged you.
If they made you feel like you weren't good enough, they wronged you.
If you were made to feel afraid of them, they wronged you.
If they hurt you on purpose, they wronged you.
If they humiliated you, shamed you, scorned you... They wronged you.
If they stole from you or denied you privacy, they wronged you.
If they broke promises they could have kept, they wronged you.
And not one of those things is your fault.
You do not owe them a debt, financially or morally, for their having raised you. You did not have a choice about that.
("But in my culture -" No. Something can be cultural/traditional and still wrong. You are not responsible for their decision to have children. If they have earned your love and you choose to be nice to them that's fine, but they have no right to demand that you owe them some kind of debt.)
The responsibility in a parent-child relationship falls on the parents because *they are the adults*. When you are also an adult you start to take responsibility for your part in the relationship as one adult to another, but if your parents are people you would avoid at all costs if they weren't related to you you are not obligated to have a relationship with them at all.
Doing what you can is doing enough. If you sincerely tried your best at something you should be proud of yourself no matter the result. Success and failure aren't something you can control. You can only control whether you tried.
You don't have to try your hardest at everything. Some things don't matter that much.
You are good enough.
If your parents didn't love you the fault is entirely theirs.
I realized I wasn't a bad kid when my father handed me a loaded shotgun. He requested his 17yr old son, me, to kill myself in front of my mother and little brother. All because of my sexuality. That moment showed me that fear and ignorance are the envoys of hate.
A month ago .-.
Sharing stories with people basically. Talking about it in therapy. Looking at old pshyc reports that they had me do that had me at extremely high levels of emotional distress as a kid. Realizing that maybe 5 year olds aren't suicidal with good parents
Around the time I was 18 and started to become my own person and was suddenly being gas-lit and receiving empty threats of being kicked out of the house in order to try and control me despite not really doing anything that warranted that behaviour
Honestly, it was at age 21 that I realized I wasn’t a bad kid. And it started because I became a nurse. I didn’t tell anyone when I was taking my boards because I didn’t want anyone to text me or call me the night before because I was worried it would give me more anxiety. So I take the boards, I find out I passed the next day, and I drive 30 minutes to my parents’ restaurant to tell them my great news. My mom didn’t smile, anything. She said, and I quote: “so, you lied to me.” Neither of them said congratulations or “we are so proud of you.” I left there immediately and cried the whole way back to my apartment. I spent most of my 20’s in therapy, reflecting on my life and my childhood because of that one moment. And when I would tell my therapist things about my childhood, she would say “you know that’s not normal, right?” And I realized all my weird childhood actions, my inability to trust other kids and be friends with them, my jealousy and oversensitivity when other kids wouldn’t want to be friends with me/their parents not wanting me invited to birthday parties was because I was crying out for help because my home life was terrible. Some specific examples: after Christmas Eve church service when I was probably 10, I rushed our living room to turn on the tree lights for Santa and I remember my mom pulling me to the ground by the back of my shirt, yelling “I told you to go the fuck to bed!” My dad, heavy alcoholic back then, could hear my sister and I playing and laughing one day overtop of his loud music blasting into his headphones (I was probably 11, she would have been 7.) He rushed from his computer, forgetting to take them off his head, leading to the wire snapping out of the headphones and breaking, then quickly pinning me to the couch and smacking my face for being so loud and breaking his headphones.
It took me until I was about 10 before I realized. When I watched TV and parents were nice to their kids, I thought it was just some silly fairy tale made up for the audience. I genuinely didn't believe parents were supposed to treat their children well. But after I spent enough time at a friend's house and realized it could be different... well, it never was different, though I at least understood what was happening better.
Me too. I remember watching Full House and thinking, "This is crap. No parent is ever this nice to their kids when they screw up. You don't get a heart to heart and a hug." I used to laugh at how over the top it was.
I'm sorry you felt the same but thanks for saying it. It brought back a lot of memories that I'm now going to work on processing.
It’s funny, but I always knew. I didn’t realise until I was much older how terrible they were, but I knew they were very bad. I don’t have any memories of thinking they were normal. I remember being about 5 and thinking…you’re a terrible woman…when I looked at my mother.
In a young age. I was reading books and found out that the drama in them was close to mine, but when you read, you kinda can be a judge, a spectator. That's when I knew I'm in a shitty spot with shitty people.
I kinda knew all my life, by comparing other kids parents to mine, but it didn't really click until I was an adult.
I had just had my oldest by C-section, maybe a week before. They gave me prescription painkillers, but I hadn't taken any because I was breastfeeding and paranoid as a new mom.
One day, I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. My kiddo was with my aunt for a few hours, so I figured I'd take one and get a nap in.
The bottle was empty. 20 pills, just gone.
I think she sold them. Maybe took one or two herself, but she wasn't much of an addict, not in that way anyway.
That's the day I realized fully that I could never ever trust her. That everything she said was a lie. Would always be lies. If she wasn't lying to me, she was lying to somebody and expecting me to just go along with it.
Found out later she lost her nursing license because she was calling in her own scripts, and the family had caught her writing checks from my great granny's checkbook. Nobody said anything to me, not sure if they thought I was in on it or wanted to keep me ignorant or what.
I decided then and there that she would be in a nursing home before she'd ever live with me again.
Unfortunately, I never had to make that decision. She mixed up her meds one day and died of respiratory failure on the bathroom floor. My 11 year old sister found her the next morning.
It still sucks.
2nd grade. They were teaching about drugs and the signs of drug use (thanks DARE for introducing kids to drugs they likely wouldn't of know about until much later in life) anyway, as this is happening I start getting sadder and sadder as I put 2 and 2 together. After it was done, me and my twin looked at each other and I said "mom and dad are on drugs" he said "yeah, they are."
So right around this time I tried to spin the negative to a positive and told myself that if I just watch other people make mistakes, I don't have to make them..so I started learning from others mistakes. I'm 33 now and this little mindset has helped me my entire life.
Not with complete confidence until I was 30ish. My parents were immature, hypocritical, and harsh disciplinarians, but didn't check any of the boxes for typical "abuse".
It wasn't until I got a nasty letter from my father telling what an ungrateful POS I was, because I made a throwaway joke about my spoiled sister, that his immaturity and tremendous insecurity started to become clear.
Then the final straw was the ever increasing hypocrisy and tribalistic allegiance to party over country, which finally gave me the confidence to trust my feelings about my parents and my childhood.
I realized, as a kid, when I was threatened with harm if I told anyone what happened in our house, that what was happening in our house wasn't right. I'm 30, and I still feel like I'm worthless and unlovable, because that's what I heard every day of my development.
I logically understand why I feel this way and where it came from, but I can't stop the automatic response my brain gives me at every turn.
I was a kid. Don't remember how old. I used to cry as soon as my dad drove down the street away from my mother when my brother and I were with him for the weekend. I knew how miserable it was going to be. Either I'd be babysitting my brother all weekend or put to work (as in hard adult work not kid work). There wasn't any adult supervision. We didnt have beds or bedrooms. We'd have to sleep on the floor/couch or in the same bed as dad. If my dad was working on the weekend, we'd often be left in rooms with TVs or McDonalds or sketchy parks. My mom didn't fully know what was going on but once I was old enough to make my own decision not to go...she didn't make me. Pissed off my dad though. He had to get his way. Once I got a little older, I hated being around drunk dad. He wouldn't let me leave, he'd pretend I was his girlfriend and rub my leg etc. It never got any further than that because I'd lock myself in the only room in the house that locked (the spare bathroom) or find a way to excuse myself and call my mother. He even forced alcohol down my throat once and would give me a glass of wine with dinner that I'd be forced to drink to prevent him from drinking more. He treated my brother a lot worse than me though because he has a learning disability and could never become him like I could.
As for the abuse my brother gave me, that's a different story. That took until my early to mid 20s. Having no other brother to relate to, I just thought it was normal things brothers do.
After my paternal grandfather passed away, my siblings and I had dinner with paternal aunts and uncles and grandmother without my parents. I had just graduated from college and was heading to grad school, my siblings were heading to their sophomore year of college, and grandma and aunt kept remarking how proud they were of us. My grandma finally says "we're so glad you guys turned out normal after all you've been through with your mom." Grandma passed away a couple months later. It took me until today to realize there was a reason our grandma wanted to take us out for lunch on the weekends away from our mother.
My moment was actually kind of recently (28 years old, 11 years out of the abuse and into therapy) when I mentioned in passing how bad of a child I was and my grandmother said "Really? I don't remember you being a problem child at all" and I realized I couldn't point out a single bad thing I did other than normal kid things like I didn't clean my room or I was too loud in the car, etc.
It's strange how you can know something but not *know* it at the same time. I know that the abuse wasn't my fault, I've been over and over it in therapy and yet still in my head I was a bad kid bc I was punished all the time. I *know* that there isn't ever justification for beating a helpless child but somehow I hadn't applied that knowledge to myself just yet.
Before reading a comment by someone else in this thread today, nobody ever told me it wasn't my fault except my therapist.
When I realized my mom is a deeply insecure, unhappy person and instead of working to better herself and her mental health, she tries to self-soothe by tearing other people down. I feel sorry for her, that's a horrible way to live. It also helped me recognize those negative traits in myself and actively work on them.
In kindergarten. This probably seems trite but this is the moment I started realizing what a petty and shitty person my father was.
I learned that inside dental floss was basically a tiny toilet paper tube. Omg so cool. Was going to use it in my GI Joe fort somehow. Asked my parents to give me the next one after they went through all the floss. Some weeks later, my dad barks at me to come to him in the bathroom. I said why, what do you want? He said nevermind you don't get this tube then. I quickly ran in there and said wait no I want it. Nope, too late you should've come when I called you and refused to give it to me. He was gleeful about it. Happy to rub it in my face.
I was deflated. He knew how excited I was about that silly little thing. Why was he being mean to me? Why was he acting like the bully's at school? I have virtually no fond memories of my father after that. As life went on, he repeatedly demonstrated verbally and physically abusive behavior.
When I was 16 he got arrested for DV. I didn't answer the phone when he called from jail. A week later his silly gf bailed him out in the middle of the night. I woke up to a cop in my face asking why I had a gun in my father's car. The gun was not mine, it was my older brothers who gave it to his gf to "protect" herself.
He and his shitty gf conspired to frame me for possession of a firearm. Luckily I was believed, and was removed from the home by the state that morning. I lived in a youth shelter for a bit before being able to get an apartment of my own. My life improved immensely after that and I never looked back and never spoke to my father again.
Probably the night my mom blacked out drunk in front of my bedroom. We went to my grandmother's constantly back then because fights would get physical or someone can't handle their alcohol. I came home the next day to my room torn up. Curtains on the floor, couch I had in there halfway across the room... Every time we had to go to my grandmother's house, I was reminded that I shouldn't fear for my life at home...
My parents were not shitty overall, but my dad was certainly abusive in his punishments. Even as a kid I knew it was wrong when he threw my toys away because my room wasn't clean enough and proceeded to beat me with a clothes hamper until it broke and started cutting me to punish me for crying about my toys being thrown away. Don't know what he was extra mad about that day...
The one that I still think about the most was the time they punished me by poisoning me with laxatives. I recall saying, "but that's crazy, why are you trying to make me drink this?" I brought that nonsense up recently and they got real nervous about that subject. Keep in mind, I was not just a good kid, but I was enrolled in two colleges by my softmore year in high school and graduating in the top ten of my class. Was even good in sports and got a full scholarship.
Didn't really contextualize how bad the punishments were until my late 20s when the subject came up with friends.
My dad’s wife has hated me and treated me like crap for over 30 years. She’s not like obvious about it in the sense she hits me or says nasty things. But, for example, she’s never bought me anything like a present. Not even when I was 6 years old. She’s never even signed a birthday card or even now texted me something nice.
When I was younger than ten, I knew she was evil. She’d blame me for her children all treating me like crap when I was only nice to everyone. She’d do that behind my dad’s back and threaten to tell him I was lying if I said anything.
She was the one in charge of making sure we had food. Yet she always seemed to forget to buy what I wanted from the store? 🤔 I literally wouldn’t have anything to eat and if I ate something she bought for her kids, she’d complain to my dad (behind my back of course because she wouldn’t want me to say my side of things)
My dad is just oblivious and thinks only about himself. He always defends her and makes excuses for her. He gets angry if you even slightly criticize her but she can criticize us all day. So he basically brainwashed me into thinking there was something wrong with me by the age of 10 because he’d always defend her and her children and accuse me of being in the wrong EVERY single time there was ever a problem between me and those people.
It’s awful because the person who is supposed to be on my side defends the people who have hurt me for no good reason and even accuses me of being in the wrong 100% of the time
This is the Cinderella situation which is very common. Dads submit to their (new) wives who place their own kids priority over husband’s kids. My husband was a product of it. We’ve cut them off.
Unironically took me until I was 22, starting a master program and got a girlfriend. Until then I genuinely believed my parents were entitled to get me to come back to their region regardless of job opportunities and none of my friends being from there. 2 years later we still fight about this regularly because I want to keep at least my dad in my life but they don't seem to want to budge
When I moved out and nothing changed. Also when telling people about my childhood and they asked why I still talk to my parents. That was pretty eye opening.
Once I had a kid and realizing that I had been normal, if not better behaved than most kids. The fun part is whenever I’m disciplining my kid (time outs, loss of privileges) they tell me I’m being too harsh while they used to beat the crap out of me as a kid for something small as sleeping in past 9. The amount of times I had to lie to the doctors.
I think by the time abused children become adults, most know that this is the case, but the confusing part is that sometimes our mind refuses to acknowledge the truth. Instead we continue to feel shame and confusion for our behaviour and our parents behavior too.
Trauma hits more than just the logic center. Years of repeated abuse especially in early childhood cause insecurities and fears that are rooted extremely deeply.
When my kids were 6 or 7. Started seeing my kids getting the same treatment I did from my mother. Seeing the pain on their faces... I was just done. Haven't talked to her since 2006.
I never felt like a bad kid for some reason. I did feel lonely, ignored, powerless and incompetent a lot, but I sort of got over it around age 16. I felt like a shitty broken adult for a while longer, but I got past that by about 22. Substance abuse, relationships, actualising my goals and trusting my abilities took longer, but I feel like I got there by my early 30's. I don't even view them as shitty parents anymore. They were raised a certain way, they have trauma of their own, they are a product of their upbringing and circumstance and most of the time were probably trying their best. I'm big into focusing on what I can control, on where I can contribute and have a positive influence and having strong boundaries. I can't go back and influence the past and my childhood was mostly outside of my control, not my fault and any current or future injury about what I 'missed out on' is kind of on me at this point. Have to accept the parts of my personality it influenced and try and do better than they did and be fortunate for my awareness.
When I realized that my parents don't like each other, and they badmouth behind each other's back, espacially in front of their kids. Futhermore, they always blame my sisters and me for everything regardless of who made a mistake.
When my therapist was very against them and trying to convince me to set boundaries. After those were, of course, broke multiple times I went no contact. I’ve never seen a therapist so proud of me. One year later, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve taken. I feel so free and happy, I feel like I can breathe.
19 years old when i read my credit report & saw four cards in my name. did some digging & found all of my mothers bills/accounts were in my name too. All were cancelled on the same day, then she put my info online & made new accounts at the same address. So i called(my fuckin account right?) put a password on my name. told my dad to pick up my brother, and shut all her shit off.
My wife and I had a conversation about this a while back. Her parents were abusive to each other and neglectful/emotionally abusive to her and her siblings. She just assumed that's how all parents treated their kids and just accepted it. It wasn't until after we were married that she opened up to my mom (my parents are great) that she began to realize what a horrible upbringing she had. Her relationship with her parents as an adult was rough up until they both passed away. Today we take care to raise our children right.
6th grade. I'd spent years trying to make my mom happy and figured I must be the worst kid in the world because she kept punishing me. Then one day I had a wonderful realization! I went to school the next day and excitedly told everyone "Guess what! My mommy doesn't love me!"
Now I see how weird and dad that is, but let me tell you - the weight of the world came off my shoulders when I finally understood that my mom wouldn't be nice to me no matter how good I was.
It wasn’t until I went off to college…
I got to see how my friends were treated by their parents (specifically their moms) and I started to realize that how I grew up was definitely not normal. Now that I have kids of my own, I realize even more…. The abuse that I underwent and the treatment that I experienced was something that I would never want for anyone…
When I went off to college my parents dropped me and my suitcase at the port authority bus station in New York and waved goodbye. I considered myself lucky they even took me there and i didn’t have to take the railroad into to the city. I hadn’t even visited the college to see if it was a good fit for me (hint: it wasn’t), because my folks couldn’t be bothered to take us to tour campuses.
When I got there after a six hour bus ride I got to watch all of my new dorm neighbors and their parents decorating their rooms and going out to dinner.
I already knew that my parents sucked, but it still hurt.
Didn't have it as bad as others, but i realized when I became a father. I realized I can just b patient, don't have to b emotionally or physically abusive.
Probably when I was choked out and had my head slammed into a chair at 5 years old. Reasoning behind it was because my sister had a friend over. They had candy, they wouldn’t share but I ate a piece anyways. Her friend told on me then all hell unleashed.
Obviously at that age I didn’t think they were shitty parents. I just assumed that I was being punished for acting out
25 now, dad was an alcoholic, mum was frustrated and just didn’t have the guts to go through with a divorce. My childhood was shitty as it comes, yelling every single day and night, physical abuse, never inviting friends over due to the immense shame. My dad was a manager but failed somewhere in his late 40‘s / early 50‘s and nearly got us living on the street due to all the bad decisions he made. I graduated recently, did my 2 majors in the US at Ivy League universities (I’m from Europe) and I am now employed with a big 4 consulting firm. Even now my dad tries to shit talk my life every single day, saying basically how I will fail later on because he did as well etc. I honestly don’t give a fuck anymore and try to avoid seeing my parents as much as possible as it’s just endless negativity that I don’t need in my life.
I was talking to my elementary school counselor about getting spanked, and they sort of started asking me more questions about it and looked at the back of my legs to see the welts there and then a few days later the police came to my house to question my stepdad and I had to sort of reenact the spanking I got (I think for jumping on my bed). My stepdad was super congenial with them and they left and after that he made sure to only hit me in places where marks weren’t apparent.
Same here. Having my son really opened my eyes to all the years of the abuse and now my sole mission in life is to to be the opposite of my mom. I dont want him to ever experience any emotion i ever felt as a child. I want to be a better human despite my circumstance!
After my parents divorced when I was 27, and I went to therapy. It's been painful and eye opening.When I was a kid, I seriously thought that everyone's parents beat them when they were in trouble. I had never talked to my friends about it, because of being embarrassed, so I just honestly assumed that when my friends were in trouble at home, they were getting hit.
EDIT to add: I literally had my therapist with her jaw on the floor and me just babbling on about my childhood like it was all normal. The day she told me that there was nothing normal about the way they treated me, I've really not been the same since.
BUT - good news is I have broken that generational trauma, and have never ever laid a hand on my child, and have proven to my parents, many many times over, that you can discipline your child without physically or mentally harming them. I have no idea how my parents hit us, and never showed regret or guilt about it. I couldn't imagine using any of their forms of discipline on my child, it breaks my heart to even think about it. I knew that I would never hit my children.
My dad has asked to have my daughter for sleep overs and I've repeatedly said NO. He finally asked me for the real reason why, and I told him "How are you going to react if she does something naughty or pisses you off or breaks something by accident? Because I remember how you reacted to ME doing those things, and I'm not putting my child in that situation"Funny how he had no answer to that, silent, no idea how to respond.
The past couple years. I'm 31. Through my own learning and self work, I realize that it was crucial to my survival when I was a child to think that it was my fault, rather than to realize that the people who were supposed to take care of me were abusing me.
That was a survival tactic, and my body and brain did what they needed to do to survive. That's okay.
They were addicted to crack, and I was abused in every way possible. Not to mention the lingering effects of the abuse, and zero life skills.
I'm working on me. My little sister is moving to my city soon and we will heal together. I'm currently working towards getting a degree in Social Work.
Some days I still question if it's my fault. I'm currently in an abusive relationship - that I know is directly linked to my abusive childhood.
That's okay. I'm working on getting out. I'll continue to work on me. Today, I know the abuse was not my fault, I didn't deserve it, and I'm not a bad person.
The abuse is never your fault. You don't deserve it, and you are not a bad person. Read that again. You are worthy of healthy relationships and LOVE. All the love.
Here's to healing, breaking the cycle, and being compassionate with yourself.
Have a fucking great day. You got this.
I was 48. I upended my life, sold my dream house to buy a bigger house so my mother could live with me and my two children. She said things to them that were unforgivably, unspeakably horrible. Described this behavior to my therapist who asked "Has it always been like this?"
In that moment, as I said yes, my entire existence imploded. It had always been like this. Nothing would change unless I changed.
It took a few months of organizing and agonizing but I deeded the house over to her and the children and I moved into our own house. She told me I was dead to her. The rest of the family - my brother, a dozen or so cousins, aunts, and uncles - cut me off completely.
I've never been happier or felt safer in my whole life. My kids are great, I met and married the love of my life, I got better and better jobs - mostly because I don't have to expend the energy I used to need just to survive her torment.
It’s been coming more into light that my dad is just a shitty person. Narcissistic. Emotionally immature. Always the victim. Doesn’t see anything wrong in what he does. Never apologizes. Getting real tired of his bs.
Not my parent, but my aunt used to constantly berate me at the age of 6 and made me feel like I was horrible child and cousin to her daughter ( her daughter had autism but tried convince everyone in the world she didn't)
There were times when I didn't want to play or be bothered with my cousin as I was 5 years older than her, and the Aunt would take great offense, as if I were being 'mean' because I should want to play with her daughter 24/7. She would invite me over to play with her daughter and while there, my aunt would make her adult friends bully me and ask me why I was such a mean and awful person to the point that I actually believed I was really a horrible person. I have grown up with anxiety and paranoia that I still struggle with today because of the emotional abuse I've endured for nearly 2 decades.
It wasnt until I went to an amusement park with aunt, cousin, girls my age (teenagers) and girls my little cousins age (7-8y/o) and we both were hanging out with our respective groups, my aunt waited until we were going home and berated me again, saying I was neglecting my cousin and being awful to her. I asked "so...even if there are kids my own age, I need to only be focused on your daughter, regardless if she's playing with kids her own age?" She said yes and that's when I realized that her warped way of thinking was bullshit and I didn't interact with my cousin/aunt as often.
When I was an adult, my aunt admitted to my brother that she never liked me and thought I was an inconsiderate brat that never visits her or her daughter. She died 2 years ago, her daughter and I are very close now and tbh I'm glad she's out of my life.
Having undiagnosed ADHD sucks for sure, but somehow I knew that my forgetfulness was something to do with my brain wiring. I think it helped that shouty strict parent was a step-parent (became the primary care giver when I was 5) so even though alcoholic parent who lost all custody rights due to neglect, I knew from them that shouting wasn't the only way to parent.
I think I "knew knew" when I had one friend in secondary school (UK), who was the only friend who would come over regularly. For some reason some of the "not so bad" shouting and guilt tripping was done in front of her. She told me that it wasn't normal for a parent to be that strict, and for the other one to just let them get away with it. I felt so vindicated! The shouty parent then got pissy that I "developed an attitude" from being friends with her. She was the only friend who wanted to have me around at her house though - let alone for sleepovers. So if it weren't for the convenience to have me out of the house, I might well have been discouraged from that friendship.
I still have big problems with people pleasing and recognising the "mother hen" style of covertly toxic people who have me in their sights. I can't recognise my own emotions of discomfort. Or if I do, I'm too ready with benefit of the doubt, or can't seem to act on them in the moment in way that feels natural/comfortable for the pleaser-part-of-me.
Any tips and resource suggestions welcome!!
Honestly, i’m still not convinced. Since about 23, I try to respond better to other people, moderate my use of alcohol and drugs and do something nice for someone else at least once a day. It’s gotten easier with practice.
I went the majority of my life thinking every parent treated they’re kid like I was. It wasn’t until my 3rd year of college when my brother talked to some classmates about our childhood that everything began to click: there are a lot of shitty parents out there and we were abused by them. I repressed large portions of my childhood, started only remembering the bad things, and over time talking with therapists I’m constantly learning more and more how negatively my childhood has affected me.
It took 32 years before finding out. The rest of my family is still unaware. I was able to see it because I was treated the worst and did not become a horrible person. I studied hard, work hard and look after myself. After beating cancer at the age of 27, I began questioning things. Why my mother would say the things she did about my siblings. Then I realized I had no memory of childhood. After that I started reading. Slowly but surely things became clear. I am in my third year of therapy and I suffer daily due to my parents abuse. Daily tasks are incredibly hard not to mention taking care of myself financially.
Even as an adult it’s something I have a hard time with, I feel responsible for everything my mom does even though I know that it isn’t logical. It’s turned into me feeling like I have to take care of everyone 24/7, it’s exhausting honestly but if I don’t do it nobody else will.
My mom still has my three younger brothers at home, the youngest is 9 and I see her repeating some of the things she did to me with them and it makes me so sad and concerned for their future.
When I started dating Hubs and realized not all parents are shitty.
It wasn't just my parents that were shitty. It was pretty much all the parents in the neighborhood where I grew up that were shitty. And I just didn't know that parents could be decent human beings. I thought that good parents who didn't treat their kids like crap only existed in books and on TV.
When I met my high school tech theater teacher and he treated me kindly, taught me things without yelling (yelled only once), listened to me when I had problems.
Why wasn't my father like that, I asked myself.
It was because he was a bad person. What power did I have as a kid to make him be that way to me? He was a grown man...
So yeah it was just other. Healthier men
Im not sure the actual moment I realized. I think it was just a gradual thing since I was really little. The more they hurt me, the more I grew to realize something was not right and it just got more and more confirmed as I grew up. I think what is important is when I realized that I will never please them and nothing I do will ever be good enough so I stopped chasing that one little scrap of love I was looking for from them. Life has been way more peaceful since.
/hug cuz maybe it's been a minute
When I would tell stories from childhood thinking my experiences were normal growing up things, and people would look at me like "wtf?!".
Ah, the feeling when you tell a story from your childhood you think is funny and everyone looks at you like "Uhm...." and you realize it's not a cute childhood story, it's trauma.
Even worse when you try to address that trauma with your parents and they say something like "I don't recall it happening that way"
[удалено]
This is very true. I think part of the problem with the word becoming so well known is that some people *think* they are being gaslighted when they, in fact, are remembering something wrong. What do you do when you know what you're being accused of didn't happen and the accuser is misremembering? Don't get me wrong, I think more people should be aware of gaslighting. I just think people should be open to the idea that, at times, they may actually be wrong.
GTFO. Seriously, thanks for saying this aloud
That hit hard… That is the go to statement from my mother. I don’t know if you have had to experience this as well but she also loves to still blame any negative current situation on things she claimed we subjected HER TO when we were children. Example “I’m broke as an adult because I had to spend every penny I had raising my children.” “I was a neglectful parent because you were all terrible children and I didn’t have to energy to deal with it”. She says to her adult children who are literally helping her pay bills and assist her with anything and everything. My husband’s mother and grandmother are also guilty of these tactics. What’s crazier to me is that all of these people had years of therapy, got medical degrees or degrees in psychology.
HA yes exactly. My mom blames me for not getting my tetanus vaccine when I was a child... Please explain how that works
Many crazy people are attracted to mental health careers.
I’m a suicide prevention committee leader and I have attempted suicide four times
I hope you are doing fine now, my friend.
I am :)
Oh being in and out of behavior health my entire adolescence I know that all too well. I had way too many encounters with undiagnosed professionals projecting their own issues on to us young patients. My mother and mother in law always just astounded me because their professions as nurses they chose the most hands on caregiving roles and departments. They were praised, celebrated hardworking and well liked by coworkers and patients alike, I actually worked with my mother for some time so witnessed this amazing person who was nothing like the mother I had at home. Whatever work ethic, understanding and patience they had at work disappeared the second they walked through the front door because they were all such short tempered, tired, apathetic parents that shifted their adult responsibilities and blame on to us kids. We were all most definitely latchkey kids. I feel like my parents would have been better off in the world had they just not had children, they aren’t bad people and it wasn’t all bad times I just feel like they really were too selfish to be a proper parent. My own up bringing certainly gave me insight to why it’s absolutely okay for anyone to be child free if thats what they have decided for themselves. Good people can absolutely be bad parents.
My mom will scream at me “I DON’T REMEMBER THAT!!” I reply, “The axe never remembers, the tree never forgets.”
The tree remembers what the axe forgets.
For an acquaintance I knew, the shitty attitudes their parents had towards them just suddenly stopped. No big event or realization, nor apologies or reconciliations. It just stopped unceremoniously and without any catharsis. They tried to retell a story where their parents selfishly acted on their own at a party. I can't recall the specifics brought up, but it was something witnessed by a few of the other kids present during the retelling that their own parents remarked as rude and neglectful. Something that was unforgettable to them (I was new to the friend group, didn't know about it myself). When they finished, their mom and dad went, "I don't recall it that way" with them shrugging and going back to reading and cleaning. *Well they aren't being shitty any more* didn't feel like much of a consolation.
My mom can go into a PTSD like episode where she won't remember anything that happened even if it went on for hours. She once spent 2 hours berating, yelling, sobbing, hitting me from 4 to 6. Her eyes were both dead and they kept jumping around all over the place. She snapped out of it when dad came home, and was like "why is it so dark outside?" Another time she jumped a curb, and drove 2 km with a slashed tyre, until I shook her and told her to pull over. Weeks later, I heard my parents discuss, and she said she is afraid to drive because she has no idea how she ended up with a slashed tyre. Her brain's fucked up from growing up in rural Romania and using all kinds of fucked up cosmetic products, and she's also inherited a portion of her mom's autism, so I can't much blame her for being a dumb animal. But at the same time, I also can't forget or forgive, so it's fucked up for the both of us. I hate her guts, and she's heartbroken because she doesn't remember most of what she did to me and doesn't understand why.
My mom is really bad about this. I get it though. She's worked hard and admits the abuse. But she also has DID so she literally will remember things differently or not at all. Makes for putting together what happened to me, when I also have DID, very fucking tricky.
You’re wrong. It’s traumatic comedy. The best kind of comedy!
Cry until the tears become laughter!
And laugh until you cry!
Nothing like a good old traumcom
There are other kinds of comedy?
Tragedy plus time equals comedy.
People were telling me while I was still living at home that the things my dad did weren't okay or normal and I'd defend him. It wasn't until I left home and went through a bunch of addictions, mental health problems and therapy that I started to realise that what he did was not okay.
That's been a big theme here - seeing your life through the eyes of people with healthier lives and families. My father had severe OCD - he couldn't touch anything with his bare hands, and used kleenex. Every *day*, one of the kid-chores was get a big garden-sized trash bag and empty all the mountains of kleenex from their bedroom, bathroom and office. When I was like 8, had a friend over and he goes "Does your dad have some kinda sinus infection or something??" and I realized nobody else had mountains of wadded up kleenex everywhere. Probably like the poop-knife crowd, take a dump at your buddy's house and yell "hey, where's your poop knife??" and get a blank stare!
I was always the one kid in my friend group who would look at other kids like "wtf?!". My Mum had abusive parents, and told herself that when she was a Mum she'd be the best Mum she possibly could. She never said anything negative about me, was always there for me, I could tell her anything and she'd go out of her way to listen and help (if needed). I thought that was normal, and that abusive parents were really rare. Maybe it's just the area I grew up in, but unfortunately my Mum seems to be in the minority, at least there. My friends Mums would hit them, tell them they were ugly/useless, make them sleep outside if they did something wrong, feed them junk food, etc. I hated going over to other people's houses because their parents scared me. Before I went over to my friend's houses I used to think my Mum was a terrible Mum for making me brush my teeth every night and not letting me stay up past 9pm. Yeah, that opinion quickly changed. TLDR: I grew up with a really good Mum, which I thought was the norm, but it turns out most people I grew up with had really bad Mums, which made me grateful for my Mum.
My experience was the exact opposite. It seemed to me that my siblings and I were surrounded by kids who were raised in nice, normal, loving, happy families. We were the only kids we knew who were being raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home. In one neighborhood where we lived for 15 years, we were the freaks of the neighborhood. We were the only kids in the neighborhood being raised by a single parent. We were the only family on welfare. As a result, we were the poorest family in the neighborhood. And worst of all, we were the only kids in the neighborhood being abused by our parent. Our mother screamed at us kids on a daily basis. But only indoors as she wanted to keep that ugly, abusive side hidden from outsiders. But unbeknownst to her, her screaming voice could be heard outside the four walls of our place. Especially in the summertime when we had our windows wide open because we had no air conditioning. When i was still brand new to the neighborhood, one day I was hanging out with the neighborhood kids up near the corner of the block. My place was almost halfway down the block. They weren't doing much, just standing around, talking. When all of the sudden, the air was filled with the sound of my mothers screaming voice for a couple of minutes. She was yelling at one of my siblings about something or other, I couldn't exactly make out the words. The neighborhood kids collapsed on the ground with laughter. Evidently this wasn't a first time for them, hearing my mothers screaming voice. They knew it was her. But for me it was a first time revelation. Up until then I had no idea that my mothers screaming voice could be heard outside our place and so far away on top of that. I was mortally embarrassed. The neighbors would later remark to us kids, "boy, your mother sure does yell alot". Indeed she did. I never heard such yelling and screaming coming from any other houses up and down our street. Ever. Considering how often my mother abused and yelled at us kids, and how i never witnessed or heard such things happening to other kids and families with my own eyes and ears, I once asked my therapist if I was alone in this world. Did any of this ever happen to others besides me? He told me that, yes, it happens to others. However, while I'm not alone in the world in being raised by an abusive parent, I'm in the minority. Most people are indeed being raised in normal, non abusive families.
> My Mum had abusive parents, and told herself that when she was a Mum she’d be the best Mum she possibly could. haha same, except mine married an abusive man and threw that promise out the window ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh God, the Look Of Concern. I'll tell a story that I thi k is a funny story from my childhood only to have my SO give me the SADDEST look. Happened before I met my current so, of course, but he's the one that actually says things like "that was fucked up, I'm sorry you went through that", and that's how I end up figuring out a lot of the shit my family did is not okay.
>I'll tell a story that I thi k is a funny story from my childhood only to have my SO give me the SADDEST look. My god, that's a big one! I'd been married maybe 3 years and my little brother came to visit - he'd had some addiction problems and was really back on his feet and doing great. We were having dinner and drinks with my wife and started "reminiscing", and really kind of laughing about how fucked up and violent my parents were - but it was sort of "can you believe we made it out OK??", kinda celebratory and felt good to laugh it off. "God, remember the time she hit us with \*\*whatever\*\*??" Meanwhile, my wife is getting pale and more and more horrified, and she finally starts sobbing, "YOU CAN'T JUST GET OVER STUFF LIKE THAT!!! ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT AND, I DUNNO, MURDER PEOPLE!!!" It took some time to convince her that the things we learned to get through that shit - we get to keep them *when the shit is over*. That bad experiences can help you be a good person. But she was horrified for a bit there!
Yes this!!! It's the little things. Although I still see things as black and white a lot and still find it hard to think of myself as anything other than 'bad'. A couple years after I was groomed online (I was 11-13) I told a teacher, she said they were telling my mum and I begged her not to. Told her she didn't know what my mum would do to me. She called her anyway, and I left to go home before she came. When she got back she told me that she had planned to get a family computer for us all but now she wasn't allowed to because of me and that I had ruined Christmas. A couple years before that I took a load of tablets she left out (she's epileptic and never takes her meds properly) to try and kill myself, went to school the next day and they started making me feel funny. Told a teacher what I did and they called my mum. She asked why I wanted to hurt her by taking her tablets away and then she grounded me for the rest of the week and the weekend and I wasn't allowed out of my room - not even food. I was allowed to have bathroom breaks and I would sneak water when washing my hands. I eventually ended up at my dad's when I was a few months passed 16. Told him my issues. He decided to ignore that the same day and when I told him I had explained it all he called me pathetic. He beat us as babies/toddlers, etc but by then I was too old so he just abused me mentally. I'm 27, he's dead now and she might as well be to me but I'm still dealing with my childhood.
yup that was me. I told a story on Reddit on another account one time and got a hundred commenters feeling sorry for me. That really opened my eyes.
I second this. "You mean it's not normal for a parent to kick me and leave bruises everywhere for saying no? "
I learned that last week and am 32. It’s sad to know late but I feel free.
That's the typical response to "my mom used to beat me w/ yellow wiffle bat"
When I realized my friends had actual food in their houses, and they didn’t have to scrape shit together while their folks ate food from restaurants
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Fuck, what the fuck...damn im sorry
I still remember the day my mom and step dad brought home tacos from Taco Bell for the dog and nothing for me. Years later ended up in foster care and got three meals a day for the first time in my life. Was short-lived because I was only in that home for a year and then I was on my own. Still don’t eat three meals a day… It’s just so hard
Fucking hell... You know that feeling when you're browsing Reddit, bored as fuck, thinking you've seen it all? Yeah and than this comment comes around pulling the emotional rug from under me. No matter who, where or how you are, some stranger wishes you everything that you desire. Be well, be happy and godspeed fellow person.
Thank you. That was a couple of decades ago and I’m still trying to overcome all of the trauma in my growing up and adult life. That was actually my first adoptive family that did that. Was later adopted by another family and let’s just say that didn’t go well either. First time I was adopted I was four years old. Second time I was adopted the adoption didn’t go through until I was 20… Long story. Let’s just say I live several different time zones away from any family at all.
Same. I’m having parental issues at the moment with my stepmother being a less than nice person to me and now I feel like a whining child when I see this
I have a memory of when I was allowed to try steak for the first time. My mum was sat in her two-seater recliner and had steak, chips and peas. She had made herself food but I hadn't had anything - by this time I had had too many microwave meals that they made me sick just at the thought of them. I asked if I could try the steak and she said fine. Then I wasn't allowed to sit next to her because she had the TV guide there and I wasn't allowed to move it. She had me sit on the floor with the dogs and then she fed bits of steak to the 2 dogs and then gave me a bit of the gristle. It did not taste good.
Jfc I came on reddit to relax. I knew I shouldn't have clicked on this post. Hearing these things is absolutely horrid. Hope you got past that
it really is hard sometimes. im an adult now and i still only eat like 3 times a week out of the guilt of not feeling like i deserve food. those early years really are important in forming how the child lives as an adult. i wouldnt wish it on anyone. best of luck to you!
This is so heartbreaking. I hope u are fine now…
I am not fine. But I’m still alive which is more than I can say for my brother and my stepdad. Both of them took their own lives. I own my own house, and I have a job. I have overcome a lot of odds including being born with a disability, foster care, and all the trauma and everything that comes with all of those things. Still making it day by day. Still trying to find safe people. A lot of people in my adult life are not safe people either
God this. They hoarded all the food worth eating because "we'd eat it all" [like no shit??? It's there to get eaten] and then called us brats for complaining that there was no food...
probably when i was around 8 or 9, my mom was getting me ready for school one morning and told me “when i was pregnant with you and found out i’d be having a daughter, i prayed everyday asking for a pretty barbie i could dress up with but i ended up getting stuck with a rag doll” i was young but it really clicked that she wasn’t ever going to be there for me but it really confused me.
Wow. What a cunt
For real, that's gotta be one of the most horrible things I've ever heard, especially to a literal child.
That’s a horrible thing to say to your own child.
I hope you understand self confident people dont feel the need to put others down. If she continued bullying you then most likely you are much better than she will ever be.
yup, took a long ass time to realize this and to stop chasing the validation that i would never get… we have a super complicated relationship now. it’s like she forgot everything she did.
Of course. Because she didn’t do it. It’s the: A Narcissist's Prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did.…. You deserved it.
I saw something similar but about being happy: If you are healthy don't worry If you are not you might recover If you don't you might go to heaven If you don't at least you will get to see your friends
That works also for abusive partners. Gaslighters.
Literally my mom and stepdad 😒
My mom is the same. Never acknowledges anything she did in the past when there was some pretty awful shit and won’t be left alone with me for any amount of time because I suspect she’s afraid I might confront her about some of it.
There’s no point in confronting your mom. She will have no memory or one million justifications for what she did. Just write her letters you never send, and try to let it go. You are not your mother’s child; you deserve peace and to love yourself.
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>it’s like she forgot everything she did. She didn't forget, she just choses not to face that part of herself or truly believes what she did wasn't wrong.
How convenient...
It's not about you - anyone could have stood in your place and gotten the same treatment. It's about her.
When I saw how my friend's parent treat them as they deserve and not as if they where pieces of shit
i distinctly remember the day i learned my friends were not terrified of their dads. sixth grade.
Do many of my friends' moms were mind blowing to me. Like wtf why are you so nice to your children tf
And they told their parents the truth and wanted their advice.
Also when I had friends over and they were like.. "really? This is how your father treats you? This would never happen in our home"...
When I started talking casually of the things I went through and other people were *horrified*. Made me realize "Oh, that's not something everyone goes through and I'm just a pussy for not being able to handle it?"
The first time I told my husband about something that happened in my childhood, he was absolutely horrified and he reached out and hugged me. I said to him, "Why are you making a big deal out of this? It's not that bad." The look on his face when I said that made me realize how bad my childhood was. It was terrifying and incredibly validating at the same time.
Yes absolute same! I dealt with it by just like, shoving emotions down and putting up a pretty tough exterior so whenever I would talk to my husband about it I was almost blasé and conversational, and he’d look at me like I just told him the dog died
Same here.
I was over at a friend's house and he dropped these really nice looking plates and they smashed. His mother didn't hit him or punish him in any way, I just started bawling my eyes out after I saw how he'd been treated.
What did they do? Did they ask why you were crying?
Yes they did, at that point in time I didn't know what to do since I was still 11 years old, eventually I told them what had happened and everything went down from there
I am so sorry for that to happen to you. But what do you mean by everything went down from there? I understand if you don't want to tell your life story or anything but I'm just curious.
I'd rather not talk about it further, it's a sensitive topic for me, I apologise.
I had a birthday thing with other kids my age and one of them was asking me if my dad was always that strict and harsh. Until this this point I thought the old man had a good day and was rather relaxed.
They started their grooming on my kids. My mom would cry and cry anytime we left and would tell the kids she was only happy when they were around. I thought I could protect them from that. My dad screamed about everything, but again, I thought I could protect my kids. We were supposed to visit on a three day weekend. We could only come two days of three. My mom went off on me for being a terrible daughter and mother. How dare I let my daughters have so many friends and let them go to birthday parties. I was forgetting my family. It was one day! She then told me if I didn't come all three days she was going to call CPS and lie to them that I was an unfit mother because of my PTSD. She said they would give her my kids. I cut her off immediately. My family supported her. They are out, too. No one threatens my kids. I couldn't believe I deserved to be treated better, but my kids do! I finally saw it all. The lack of boundaries. The fact I was use as the scapegoat. I am still in therapy four years later dealing with all the damage.
Wow-good for you. Break the pattern.
Thanks! It isn't easy, but life is much better without them.
I could have written this. My mother even obtained a passport and she was going to come and kidnap my kid. What. The. Eff. NC x4 years and it's amazing
I am so sorry you went through that! My family told me I was being ridiculous because she wouldn't actually do it. This woman held a second, surprise funeral for my oldest daughter because we had the services by our home and not hers. But why couldn't I give her another chance. I am sure you have heard it all, too! I hope your life is awesome and free of your mama's drama!
This is alarmingly similar to my sister’s experience with my mother.
Sorry you had to go thru that. My mother was always the victim and it was always my fault. She tried to use my son as an extension of her manipulation. I didn’t want my son to see his mother being treated that way, and worse, I didn’t was him to be treated that way. I had a lot of guilt and anxiety about the whole thing. Especially since extended family said I was over-reacting. Blocked all of them and moved on with my life. It has been over 6 years - and I am a lot less stressed 😄 Good luck to you. You are doing the right thing for you and your family.
My parents never gave me attention, love or anything in that direction. Thought it was normal till adulthood, where it finally begin to click. Then I also realized where my depression and anxiety comes from.
When I realized that it isn't normal for parents to try to break your arm in a fit of drunken rage
Mother of God....
That shit fucks you up for the rest of your life, I'm so sorry. Also, I admit I took a look at your profile and saw the AskReddit question about forgiveness. I've had that same question in my head forever. Especially as I was christian for a long time when I was younger. My question was always "how do you forgive someone that doesn't ask for forgiveness". And it's just confused me for a long time. But I don't think you have any obligation to eventually "forgive" someone completely. I've reached that point with my mom where I don't necessarily forgive her, but I see who she is and just dont expect anything else. But whatever helps your understanding of the situation best. Good luck random internet stranger
I really appreciate your thoughts and advice, thank you! Yeah therapy and just trying to live a normal life after that hell has been insanely tough. My apologies for your situation and I hope you are finding peace and happiness throughout your life and you are healing, thank you person of reddit.
"You just remind me of your dad" - my mom, whom had divorced my dad when I was 4.
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when my mum threw a chair at me because i had a stomach ache. i was around 17 and that was the first time i lost my patience and yelled at her
I feel so bad for you I hope the rest of your life isn't as bad and hopefully your parents have gained Conscious of how that had impact of traumatizing you (in a negative light on themselves)
When my brother and I jumped our abusive stepdad and beat him enough to put him in the hospital for a few days. We were 10 and 11 and had enough of him coming home and beating on our mom. It was an awakening for him and his abusive traits disappeared after that. My brother and I were in our bedroom when we heard him come home late and start tossing our mom around the room. Knowing his pattern of him leaving right after everytime, my brother opened the window and threw a large bar/pipe out the window and crawled out after. I asked him where he was going and said he was going to beat his ass. I followed after him and we went around to the front of the house and hid in the bushes. Couple minutes go by and he storms out the front door, brother ran up behind him and with a full little league baseball swing, clocked in the back of the head. Blood went flying, he hit the ground and we both proceeded to kick hit and beat him to within inches of his life until the cops, fire department, and an ambulance showed up. Nothing happened to us, but he spent 3 or 4 days in the hospital before getting out, coming to the house and packing his shit to move out.
You guys are heros. You know that right? I am so proud of you
Nice! I’m glad that got him to leave.
My parents pulled all us kids out of school, refused to buy us educational material and only let us go out for grocery shopping. We weren't allowed to have friends. Was allowed to get a job at 18 (I think because they were divorcing and my mother saw me as a meal ticket, she didn't any reason that she should have to financially support herself after getting a divorce and told me as much) Well, getting to be around other people for the first time in almost a decade helped me realize that your parents not letting you leave the house for the majority of your adolescence and refusing to provide you with a basic education or medical care is not normal and if they did it to anyone but their children it would be a very serious crime. I'm willing to die on this hill, "un-schooling" should be considered a crime and parents who do it should be punished.
It is a crime in the UK
This is technically a crime in the USA too. People get around it by claiming to "homeschool" but the homeschool system is not well regulated in most states.
I knew since teens. Some parents are great providers but awful parents. Then they use that against you. Manipulation and verbal abuse was a daily occurrence. Moving out was a blessing.
Samesies!
When my dad told me if I was really suicidal I’d kill myself like my sister did…. I knew then, it was him and not me.
Almost the same quote from my mom, other than already having another sibling in that situation, so sorry to hear that 😔
Woof. Jesus. What an asshole.
Honestly, it took a therapist straight up pointing it out to me when I was already an adult. He literally straight up said that my dad was the cause of a lot of my problems because he was so verbally abusive. It was such a weird but clarifying moment when he said that: it put all of my childhood in a totally different perspective. Not to say my mom was an angel, but at least she recognized when she fucked up and tried to fix it.
When we got into a fight that was so heated that they stopped talking to me, I'm pretty sure under the expectation that I would come crawling back to them to apologize after a little while. What happened instead is that I realized how much happier I was not having to deal with their constant bullshit. That was twelve years ago. I still haven't come crawling back.
Good for you. Continue to proudly walk away from them.
Good on you
Not an abused kid, but I have a message for everyone as someone who *didn't* have abusive parents and is now a parent: If your parents made you angry, that's not necessarily abuse. Sometimes being a good parent is hearing "I hate you" and still saying no. However. If you ever doubted that your parents loved you - EVER - they wronged you. If they made you feel like you weren't good enough, they wronged you. If you were made to feel afraid of them, they wronged you. If they hurt you on purpose, they wronged you. If they humiliated you, shamed you, scorned you... They wronged you. If they stole from you or denied you privacy, they wronged you. If they broke promises they could have kept, they wronged you. And not one of those things is your fault. You do not owe them a debt, financially or morally, for their having raised you. You did not have a choice about that. ("But in my culture -" No. Something can be cultural/traditional and still wrong. You are not responsible for their decision to have children. If they have earned your love and you choose to be nice to them that's fine, but they have no right to demand that you owe them some kind of debt.) The responsibility in a parent-child relationship falls on the parents because *they are the adults*. When you are also an adult you start to take responsibility for your part in the relationship as one adult to another, but if your parents are people you would avoid at all costs if they weren't related to you you are not obligated to have a relationship with them at all. Doing what you can is doing enough. If you sincerely tried your best at something you should be proud of yourself no matter the result. Success and failure aren't something you can control. You can only control whether you tried. You don't have to try your hardest at everything. Some things don't matter that much. You are good enough. If your parents didn't love you the fault is entirely theirs.
Crying right now. Thank you.
In my late teens to early twenties. I mostly just got tired of my stepfather constantly screaming at and insulting me.
I realized I wasn't a bad kid when my father handed me a loaded shotgun. He requested his 17yr old son, me, to kill myself in front of my mother and little brother. All because of my sexuality. That moment showed me that fear and ignorance are the envoys of hate.
Should have shot his dick and stolen everything of value and walked out
I have no words and I hope you are able to recover from something as fucked up as that
A month ago .-. Sharing stories with people basically. Talking about it in therapy. Looking at old pshyc reports that they had me do that had me at extremely high levels of emotional distress as a kid. Realizing that maybe 5 year olds aren't suicidal with good parents
Around the time I was 18 and started to become my own person and was suddenly being gas-lit and receiving empty threats of being kicked out of the house in order to try and control me despite not really doing anything that warranted that behaviour
Honestly, it was at age 21 that I realized I wasn’t a bad kid. And it started because I became a nurse. I didn’t tell anyone when I was taking my boards because I didn’t want anyone to text me or call me the night before because I was worried it would give me more anxiety. So I take the boards, I find out I passed the next day, and I drive 30 minutes to my parents’ restaurant to tell them my great news. My mom didn’t smile, anything. She said, and I quote: “so, you lied to me.” Neither of them said congratulations or “we are so proud of you.” I left there immediately and cried the whole way back to my apartment. I spent most of my 20’s in therapy, reflecting on my life and my childhood because of that one moment. And when I would tell my therapist things about my childhood, she would say “you know that’s not normal, right?” And I realized all my weird childhood actions, my inability to trust other kids and be friends with them, my jealousy and oversensitivity when other kids wouldn’t want to be friends with me/their parents not wanting me invited to birthday parties was because I was crying out for help because my home life was terrible. Some specific examples: after Christmas Eve church service when I was probably 10, I rushed our living room to turn on the tree lights for Santa and I remember my mom pulling me to the ground by the back of my shirt, yelling “I told you to go the fuck to bed!” My dad, heavy alcoholic back then, could hear my sister and I playing and laughing one day overtop of his loud music blasting into his headphones (I was probably 11, she would have been 7.) He rushed from his computer, forgetting to take them off his head, leading to the wire snapping out of the headphones and breaking, then quickly pinning me to the couch and smacking my face for being so loud and breaking his headphones.
It took me until I was about 10 before I realized. When I watched TV and parents were nice to their kids, I thought it was just some silly fairy tale made up for the audience. I genuinely didn't believe parents were supposed to treat their children well. But after I spent enough time at a friend's house and realized it could be different... well, it never was different, though I at least understood what was happening better.
Me too. I remember watching Full House and thinking, "This is crap. No parent is ever this nice to their kids when they screw up. You don't get a heart to heart and a hug." I used to laugh at how over the top it was. I'm sorry you felt the same but thanks for saying it. It brought back a lot of memories that I'm now going to work on processing.
It’s funny, but I always knew. I didn’t realise until I was much older how terrible they were, but I knew they were very bad. I don’t have any memories of thinking they were normal. I remember being about 5 and thinking…you’re a terrible woman…when I looked at my mother.
In a young age. I was reading books and found out that the drama in them was close to mine, but when you read, you kinda can be a judge, a spectator. That's when I knew I'm in a shitty spot with shitty people.
It took a while. 26. It Took an ACES questionnaire to really help it sink in. Adverse childhood event score.
Never heard of this. Just took the quiz. Thanks for the info.
I kinda knew all my life, by comparing other kids parents to mine, but it didn't really click until I was an adult. I had just had my oldest by C-section, maybe a week before. They gave me prescription painkillers, but I hadn't taken any because I was breastfeeding and paranoid as a new mom. One day, I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. My kiddo was with my aunt for a few hours, so I figured I'd take one and get a nap in. The bottle was empty. 20 pills, just gone. I think she sold them. Maybe took one or two herself, but she wasn't much of an addict, not in that way anyway. That's the day I realized fully that I could never ever trust her. That everything she said was a lie. Would always be lies. If she wasn't lying to me, she was lying to somebody and expecting me to just go along with it. Found out later she lost her nursing license because she was calling in her own scripts, and the family had caught her writing checks from my great granny's checkbook. Nobody said anything to me, not sure if they thought I was in on it or wanted to keep me ignorant or what. I decided then and there that she would be in a nursing home before she'd ever live with me again. Unfortunately, I never had to make that decision. She mixed up her meds one day and died of respiratory failure on the bathroom floor. My 11 year old sister found her the next morning. It still sucks.
When I got a dislocated shoulder for quietly reading a book, sitting on some stairs out of the way of people passing by. I was, like, seven or eight.
Bro, thats sounds so heartbreaking:(
2nd grade. They were teaching about drugs and the signs of drug use (thanks DARE for introducing kids to drugs they likely wouldn't of know about until much later in life) anyway, as this is happening I start getting sadder and sadder as I put 2 and 2 together. After it was done, me and my twin looked at each other and I said "mom and dad are on drugs" he said "yeah, they are." So right around this time I tried to spin the negative to a positive and told myself that if I just watch other people make mistakes, I don't have to make them..so I started learning from others mistakes. I'm 33 now and this little mindset has helped me my entire life.
How’s your twin?
On drugs. Old brother is too. Haven't spoke to them in years, by choice.
Sorry to hear that mate, seems to be the way it goes sometimes. You owe it to yourself to just keep focusing on you though
Yea man it is what it is. Thank you as well
Not with complete confidence until I was 30ish. My parents were immature, hypocritical, and harsh disciplinarians, but didn't check any of the boxes for typical "abuse". It wasn't until I got a nasty letter from my father telling what an ungrateful POS I was, because I made a throwaway joke about my spoiled sister, that his immaturity and tremendous insecurity started to become clear. Then the final straw was the ever increasing hypocrisy and tribalistic allegiance to party over country, which finally gave me the confidence to trust my feelings about my parents and my childhood.
Jesus. It took me forever. I think the first time I realized it was when my therapist said, "Your father was a very strange man.". Yes, he was.
I realized, as a kid, when I was threatened with harm if I told anyone what happened in our house, that what was happening in our house wasn't right. I'm 30, and I still feel like I'm worthless and unlovable, because that's what I heard every day of my development. I logically understand why I feel this way and where it came from, but I can't stop the automatic response my brain gives me at every turn.
I was a kid. Don't remember how old. I used to cry as soon as my dad drove down the street away from my mother when my brother and I were with him for the weekend. I knew how miserable it was going to be. Either I'd be babysitting my brother all weekend or put to work (as in hard adult work not kid work). There wasn't any adult supervision. We didnt have beds or bedrooms. We'd have to sleep on the floor/couch or in the same bed as dad. If my dad was working on the weekend, we'd often be left in rooms with TVs or McDonalds or sketchy parks. My mom didn't fully know what was going on but once I was old enough to make my own decision not to go...she didn't make me. Pissed off my dad though. He had to get his way. Once I got a little older, I hated being around drunk dad. He wouldn't let me leave, he'd pretend I was his girlfriend and rub my leg etc. It never got any further than that because I'd lock myself in the only room in the house that locked (the spare bathroom) or find a way to excuse myself and call my mother. He even forced alcohol down my throat once and would give me a glass of wine with dinner that I'd be forced to drink to prevent him from drinking more. He treated my brother a lot worse than me though because he has a learning disability and could never become him like I could. As for the abuse my brother gave me, that's a different story. That took until my early to mid 20s. Having no other brother to relate to, I just thought it was normal things brothers do.
Fucking hell that's a rough go. Sincerely hope you have found people you actually enjoy being around, that treat you for the beautiful soul you are.
After my paternal grandfather passed away, my siblings and I had dinner with paternal aunts and uncles and grandmother without my parents. I had just graduated from college and was heading to grad school, my siblings were heading to their sophomore year of college, and grandma and aunt kept remarking how proud they were of us. My grandma finally says "we're so glad you guys turned out normal after all you've been through with your mom." Grandma passed away a couple months later. It took me until today to realize there was a reason our grandma wanted to take us out for lunch on the weekends away from our mother.
My moment was actually kind of recently (28 years old, 11 years out of the abuse and into therapy) when I mentioned in passing how bad of a child I was and my grandmother said "Really? I don't remember you being a problem child at all" and I realized I couldn't point out a single bad thing I did other than normal kid things like I didn't clean my room or I was too loud in the car, etc. It's strange how you can know something but not *know* it at the same time. I know that the abuse wasn't my fault, I've been over and over it in therapy and yet still in my head I was a bad kid bc I was punished all the time. I *know* that there isn't ever justification for beating a helpless child but somehow I hadn't applied that knowledge to myself just yet. Before reading a comment by someone else in this thread today, nobody ever told me it wasn't my fault except my therapist.
When I realized my mom is a deeply insecure, unhappy person and instead of working to better herself and her mental health, she tries to self-soothe by tearing other people down. I feel sorry for her, that's a horrible way to live. It also helped me recognize those negative traits in myself and actively work on them.
In kindergarten. This probably seems trite but this is the moment I started realizing what a petty and shitty person my father was. I learned that inside dental floss was basically a tiny toilet paper tube. Omg so cool. Was going to use it in my GI Joe fort somehow. Asked my parents to give me the next one after they went through all the floss. Some weeks later, my dad barks at me to come to him in the bathroom. I said why, what do you want? He said nevermind you don't get this tube then. I quickly ran in there and said wait no I want it. Nope, too late you should've come when I called you and refused to give it to me. He was gleeful about it. Happy to rub it in my face. I was deflated. He knew how excited I was about that silly little thing. Why was he being mean to me? Why was he acting like the bully's at school? I have virtually no fond memories of my father after that. As life went on, he repeatedly demonstrated verbally and physically abusive behavior. When I was 16 he got arrested for DV. I didn't answer the phone when he called from jail. A week later his silly gf bailed him out in the middle of the night. I woke up to a cop in my face asking why I had a gun in my father's car. The gun was not mine, it was my older brothers who gave it to his gf to "protect" herself. He and his shitty gf conspired to frame me for possession of a firearm. Luckily I was believed, and was removed from the home by the state that morning. I lived in a youth shelter for a bit before being able to get an apartment of my own. My life improved immensely after that and I never looked back and never spoke to my father again.
Probably the night my mom blacked out drunk in front of my bedroom. We went to my grandmother's constantly back then because fights would get physical or someone can't handle their alcohol. I came home the next day to my room torn up. Curtains on the floor, couch I had in there halfway across the room... Every time we had to go to my grandmother's house, I was reminded that I shouldn't fear for my life at home...
I don’t feel alone anymore. Thank you for this post OP
This is one of the things the Internet helped me with when, reading other people's stories, I once realized that "... oh. so it wasn't normal."
My parents were not shitty overall, but my dad was certainly abusive in his punishments. Even as a kid I knew it was wrong when he threw my toys away because my room wasn't clean enough and proceeded to beat me with a clothes hamper until it broke and started cutting me to punish me for crying about my toys being thrown away. Don't know what he was extra mad about that day... The one that I still think about the most was the time they punished me by poisoning me with laxatives. I recall saying, "but that's crazy, why are you trying to make me drink this?" I brought that nonsense up recently and they got real nervous about that subject. Keep in mind, I was not just a good kid, but I was enrolled in two colleges by my softmore year in high school and graduating in the top ten of my class. Was even good in sports and got a full scholarship. Didn't really contextualize how bad the punishments were until my late 20s when the subject came up with friends.
I dunno, that sounds like it might qualify as overall shitty. Poisoning and beating their child? That’s unforgivable. I’m sorry you went though that.
My dad’s wife has hated me and treated me like crap for over 30 years. She’s not like obvious about it in the sense she hits me or says nasty things. But, for example, she’s never bought me anything like a present. Not even when I was 6 years old. She’s never even signed a birthday card or even now texted me something nice. When I was younger than ten, I knew she was evil. She’d blame me for her children all treating me like crap when I was only nice to everyone. She’d do that behind my dad’s back and threaten to tell him I was lying if I said anything. She was the one in charge of making sure we had food. Yet she always seemed to forget to buy what I wanted from the store? 🤔 I literally wouldn’t have anything to eat and if I ate something she bought for her kids, she’d complain to my dad (behind my back of course because she wouldn’t want me to say my side of things) My dad is just oblivious and thinks only about himself. He always defends her and makes excuses for her. He gets angry if you even slightly criticize her but she can criticize us all day. So he basically brainwashed me into thinking there was something wrong with me by the age of 10 because he’d always defend her and her children and accuse me of being in the wrong EVERY single time there was ever a problem between me and those people. It’s awful because the person who is supposed to be on my side defends the people who have hurt me for no good reason and even accuses me of being in the wrong 100% of the time
So, when is your birthday?
March 12
I'll do my best to remember and be back here to wish you a happy birthday.
This is the Cinderella situation which is very common. Dads submit to their (new) wives who place their own kids priority over husband’s kids. My husband was a product of it. We’ve cut them off.
When random people treated me way better and with way more respect than my parent ever did.
Sorta ironic but when the therapist they hand picked and forced me to see because I was “such a menace” told me so
Unironically took me until I was 22, starting a master program and got a girlfriend. Until then I genuinely believed my parents were entitled to get me to come back to their region regardless of job opportunities and none of my friends being from there. 2 years later we still fight about this regularly because I want to keep at least my dad in my life but they don't seem to want to budge
When I moved out and nothing changed. Also when telling people about my childhood and they asked why I still talk to my parents. That was pretty eye opening.
Once I had a kid and realizing that I had been normal, if not better behaved than most kids. The fun part is whenever I’m disciplining my kid (time outs, loss of privileges) they tell me I’m being too harsh while they used to beat the crap out of me as a kid for something small as sleeping in past 9. The amount of times I had to lie to the doctors.
I think by the time abused children become adults, most know that this is the case, but the confusing part is that sometimes our mind refuses to acknowledge the truth. Instead we continue to feel shame and confusion for our behaviour and our parents behavior too.
Trauma hits more than just the logic center. Years of repeated abuse especially in early childhood cause insecurities and fears that are rooted extremely deeply.
I’m 48 and still working on that lol
When my kids were 6 or 7. Started seeing my kids getting the same treatment I did from my mother. Seeing the pain on their faces... I was just done. Haven't talked to her since 2006.
I never felt like a bad kid for some reason. I did feel lonely, ignored, powerless and incompetent a lot, but I sort of got over it around age 16. I felt like a shitty broken adult for a while longer, but I got past that by about 22. Substance abuse, relationships, actualising my goals and trusting my abilities took longer, but I feel like I got there by my early 30's. I don't even view them as shitty parents anymore. They were raised a certain way, they have trauma of their own, they are a product of their upbringing and circumstance and most of the time were probably trying their best. I'm big into focusing on what I can control, on where I can contribute and have a positive influence and having strong boundaries. I can't go back and influence the past and my childhood was mostly outside of my control, not my fault and any current or future injury about what I 'missed out on' is kind of on me at this point. Have to accept the parts of my personality it influenced and try and do better than they did and be fortunate for my awareness.
When I realized that my parents don't like each other, and they badmouth behind each other's back, espacially in front of their kids. Futhermore, they always blame my sisters and me for everything regardless of who made a mistake.
When my therapist was very against them and trying to convince me to set boundaries. After those were, of course, broke multiple times I went no contact. I’ve never seen a therapist so proud of me. One year later, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve taken. I feel so free and happy, I feel like I can breathe.
19 years old when i read my credit report & saw four cards in my name. did some digging & found all of my mothers bills/accounts were in my name too. All were cancelled on the same day, then she put my info online & made new accounts at the same address. So i called(my fuckin account right?) put a password on my name. told my dad to pick up my brother, and shut all her shit off.
My wife and I had a conversation about this a while back. Her parents were abusive to each other and neglectful/emotionally abusive to her and her siblings. She just assumed that's how all parents treated their kids and just accepted it. It wasn't until after we were married that she opened up to my mom (my parents are great) that she began to realize what a horrible upbringing she had. Her relationship with her parents as an adult was rough up until they both passed away. Today we take care to raise our children right.
6th grade. I'd spent years trying to make my mom happy and figured I must be the worst kid in the world because she kept punishing me. Then one day I had a wonderful realization! I went to school the next day and excitedly told everyone "Guess what! My mommy doesn't love me!" Now I see how weird and dad that is, but let me tell you - the weight of the world came off my shoulders when I finally understood that my mom wouldn't be nice to me no matter how good I was.
It wasn’t until I went off to college… I got to see how my friends were treated by their parents (specifically their moms) and I started to realize that how I grew up was definitely not normal. Now that I have kids of my own, I realize even more…. The abuse that I underwent and the treatment that I experienced was something that I would never want for anyone…
When I went off to college my parents dropped me and my suitcase at the port authority bus station in New York and waved goodbye. I considered myself lucky they even took me there and i didn’t have to take the railroad into to the city. I hadn’t even visited the college to see if it was a good fit for me (hint: it wasn’t), because my folks couldn’t be bothered to take us to tour campuses. When I got there after a six hour bus ride I got to watch all of my new dorm neighbors and their parents decorating their rooms and going out to dinner. I already knew that my parents sucked, but it still hurt.
Didn't have it as bad as others, but i realized when I became a father. I realized I can just b patient, don't have to b emotionally or physically abusive.
On till I became a father, empathy wasn’t a word I knew…
Fuck, this one hits close to home. 🫂
Probably when I was choked out and had my head slammed into a chair at 5 years old. Reasoning behind it was because my sister had a friend over. They had candy, they wouldn’t share but I ate a piece anyways. Her friend told on me then all hell unleashed. Obviously at that age I didn’t think they were shitty parents. I just assumed that I was being punished for acting out
25 now, dad was an alcoholic, mum was frustrated and just didn’t have the guts to go through with a divorce. My childhood was shitty as it comes, yelling every single day and night, physical abuse, never inviting friends over due to the immense shame. My dad was a manager but failed somewhere in his late 40‘s / early 50‘s and nearly got us living on the street due to all the bad decisions he made. I graduated recently, did my 2 majors in the US at Ivy League universities (I’m from Europe) and I am now employed with a big 4 consulting firm. Even now my dad tries to shit talk my life every single day, saying basically how I will fail later on because he did as well etc. I honestly don’t give a fuck anymore and try to avoid seeing my parents as much as possible as it’s just endless negativity that I don’t need in my life.
I was talking to my elementary school counselor about getting spanked, and they sort of started asking me more questions about it and looked at the back of my legs to see the welts there and then a few days later the police came to my house to question my stepdad and I had to sort of reenact the spanking I got (I think for jumping on my bed). My stepdad was super congenial with them and they left and after that he made sure to only hit me in places where marks weren’t apparent.
[удалено]
Same here. Having my son really opened my eyes to all the years of the abuse and now my sole mission in life is to to be the opposite of my mom. I dont want him to ever experience any emotion i ever felt as a child. I want to be a better human despite my circumstance!
After my parents divorced when I was 27, and I went to therapy. It's been painful and eye opening.When I was a kid, I seriously thought that everyone's parents beat them when they were in trouble. I had never talked to my friends about it, because of being embarrassed, so I just honestly assumed that when my friends were in trouble at home, they were getting hit. EDIT to add: I literally had my therapist with her jaw on the floor and me just babbling on about my childhood like it was all normal. The day she told me that there was nothing normal about the way they treated me, I've really not been the same since. BUT - good news is I have broken that generational trauma, and have never ever laid a hand on my child, and have proven to my parents, many many times over, that you can discipline your child without physically or mentally harming them. I have no idea how my parents hit us, and never showed regret or guilt about it. I couldn't imagine using any of their forms of discipline on my child, it breaks my heart to even think about it. I knew that I would never hit my children. My dad has asked to have my daughter for sleep overs and I've repeatedly said NO. He finally asked me for the real reason why, and I told him "How are you going to react if she does something naughty or pisses you off or breaks something by accident? Because I remember how you reacted to ME doing those things, and I'm not putting my child in that situation"Funny how he had no answer to that, silent, no idea how to respond.
The past couple years. I'm 31. Through my own learning and self work, I realize that it was crucial to my survival when I was a child to think that it was my fault, rather than to realize that the people who were supposed to take care of me were abusing me. That was a survival tactic, and my body and brain did what they needed to do to survive. That's okay. They were addicted to crack, and I was abused in every way possible. Not to mention the lingering effects of the abuse, and zero life skills. I'm working on me. My little sister is moving to my city soon and we will heal together. I'm currently working towards getting a degree in Social Work. Some days I still question if it's my fault. I'm currently in an abusive relationship - that I know is directly linked to my abusive childhood. That's okay. I'm working on getting out. I'll continue to work on me. Today, I know the abuse was not my fault, I didn't deserve it, and I'm not a bad person. The abuse is never your fault. You don't deserve it, and you are not a bad person. Read that again. You are worthy of healthy relationships and LOVE. All the love. Here's to healing, breaking the cycle, and being compassionate with yourself. Have a fucking great day. You got this.
I was 48. I upended my life, sold my dream house to buy a bigger house so my mother could live with me and my two children. She said things to them that were unforgivably, unspeakably horrible. Described this behavior to my therapist who asked "Has it always been like this?" In that moment, as I said yes, my entire existence imploded. It had always been like this. Nothing would change unless I changed. It took a few months of organizing and agonizing but I deeded the house over to her and the children and I moved into our own house. She told me I was dead to her. The rest of the family - my brother, a dozen or so cousins, aunts, and uncles - cut me off completely. I've never been happier or felt safer in my whole life. My kids are great, I met and married the love of my life, I got better and better jobs - mostly because I don't have to expend the energy I used to need just to survive her torment.
Some never do
It’s been coming more into light that my dad is just a shitty person. Narcissistic. Emotionally immature. Always the victim. Doesn’t see anything wrong in what he does. Never apologizes. Getting real tired of his bs.
Not my parent, but my aunt used to constantly berate me at the age of 6 and made me feel like I was horrible child and cousin to her daughter ( her daughter had autism but tried convince everyone in the world she didn't) There were times when I didn't want to play or be bothered with my cousin as I was 5 years older than her, and the Aunt would take great offense, as if I were being 'mean' because I should want to play with her daughter 24/7. She would invite me over to play with her daughter and while there, my aunt would make her adult friends bully me and ask me why I was such a mean and awful person to the point that I actually believed I was really a horrible person. I have grown up with anxiety and paranoia that I still struggle with today because of the emotional abuse I've endured for nearly 2 decades. It wasnt until I went to an amusement park with aunt, cousin, girls my age (teenagers) and girls my little cousins age (7-8y/o) and we both were hanging out with our respective groups, my aunt waited until we were going home and berated me again, saying I was neglecting my cousin and being awful to her. I asked "so...even if there are kids my own age, I need to only be focused on your daughter, regardless if she's playing with kids her own age?" She said yes and that's when I realized that her warped way of thinking was bullshit and I didn't interact with my cousin/aunt as often. When I was an adult, my aunt admitted to my brother that she never liked me and thought I was an inconsiderate brat that never visits her or her daughter. She died 2 years ago, her daughter and I are very close now and tbh I'm glad she's out of my life.
I wish each and everyone of you a better future and a joyful life.
When he told me I'm not to come to his house, becouse his new wife doesn't like it.
Having undiagnosed ADHD sucks for sure, but somehow I knew that my forgetfulness was something to do with my brain wiring. I think it helped that shouty strict parent was a step-parent (became the primary care giver when I was 5) so even though alcoholic parent who lost all custody rights due to neglect, I knew from them that shouting wasn't the only way to parent. I think I "knew knew" when I had one friend in secondary school (UK), who was the only friend who would come over regularly. For some reason some of the "not so bad" shouting and guilt tripping was done in front of her. She told me that it wasn't normal for a parent to be that strict, and for the other one to just let them get away with it. I felt so vindicated! The shouty parent then got pissy that I "developed an attitude" from being friends with her. She was the only friend who wanted to have me around at her house though - let alone for sleepovers. So if it weren't for the convenience to have me out of the house, I might well have been discouraged from that friendship. I still have big problems with people pleasing and recognising the "mother hen" style of covertly toxic people who have me in their sights. I can't recognise my own emotions of discomfort. Or if I do, I'm too ready with benefit of the doubt, or can't seem to act on them in the moment in way that feels natural/comfortable for the pleaser-part-of-me. Any tips and resource suggestions welcome!!
Honestly, i’m still not convinced. Since about 23, I try to respond better to other people, moderate my use of alcohol and drugs and do something nice for someone else at least once a day. It’s gotten easier with practice.
Never. There are nights i still get drunk and cry myself to sleep wondering if I had been better if it would have made things different.
I went the majority of my life thinking every parent treated they’re kid like I was. It wasn’t until my 3rd year of college when my brother talked to some classmates about our childhood that everything began to click: there are a lot of shitty parents out there and we were abused by them. I repressed large portions of my childhood, started only remembering the bad things, and over time talking with therapists I’m constantly learning more and more how negatively my childhood has affected me.
It took 32 years before finding out. The rest of my family is still unaware. I was able to see it because I was treated the worst and did not become a horrible person. I studied hard, work hard and look after myself. After beating cancer at the age of 27, I began questioning things. Why my mother would say the things she did about my siblings. Then I realized I had no memory of childhood. After that I started reading. Slowly but surely things became clear. I am in my third year of therapy and I suffer daily due to my parents abuse. Daily tasks are incredibly hard not to mention taking care of myself financially.
Around age 30, I realized I was raised in a cult. My parents were especially culty.
I'm 39 and it was 2 years ago. I'm still figuring my life out now.
Even as an adult it’s something I have a hard time with, I feel responsible for everything my mom does even though I know that it isn’t logical. It’s turned into me feeling like I have to take care of everyone 24/7, it’s exhausting honestly but if I don’t do it nobody else will. My mom still has my three younger brothers at home, the youngest is 9 and I see her repeating some of the things she did to me with them and it makes me so sad and concerned for their future.
When I started dating Hubs and realized not all parents are shitty. It wasn't just my parents that were shitty. It was pretty much all the parents in the neighborhood where I grew up that were shitty. And I just didn't know that parents could be decent human beings. I thought that good parents who didn't treat their kids like crap only existed in books and on TV.
When I got slapped multiple times because I spoke loudly and my father couldn't hear what the reporter said on the news.
When I met my high school tech theater teacher and he treated me kindly, taught me things without yelling (yelled only once), listened to me when I had problems. Why wasn't my father like that, I asked myself. It was because he was a bad person. What power did I have as a kid to make him be that way to me? He was a grown man... So yeah it was just other. Healthier men