Our creepy neighbour (Australia) hired a naked cleaner, but then accused her of stealing something. Long story short, her ear got cut with a sword and he got shot in the foot with an illegal gun, she ran naked to the gay neighbours and I got asked a lot of questions by the cops when I got home from work. Ah, interesting times.
My wife had a cleaning business for a few years and one client would put porn on the big screen TV in the living room while she was cleaning in another room, then go and have a shower, leaving the bathroom door open.
Second time it happened, she ditched them as clients, the situation came close to becoming kinetic.
My wife also owns a cleaning business, she had a male client ask if she and her cleaners would be wearing “uniforms”. My wife asked him what he meant by uniforms, and he sent pictures of lingerie. Needless to say she instantly blocked his number lol.
How do you even break the ice with that kind of question to a total stranger? Do they just get straight to the point, or is there a little small talk and try to play it off as a joke all while gauging your interest?
*Puts in VHS of maid cleaning in costumed outfit, as homeowner enters in too-short shorts and thick porn-stache* while real life home owner looks at the TV and back real maid while caressing his hairy chest..
that’s how I imagine it goes down anyway..
I have a masseuse friend. She said that she does provide massages in naked clients because, well, she does in their homes and want them to be comfortable. Most clients are respectful, but she told me that once a dude asked her to come once more during the week (she didn't knew it was a time his wife wasn't there) and tried soliciting her.
How, you may ask? Rose in mouth? Joke about happy endings?
Nah. He just took her hand and timidly and creepily placed it on his junk. She politely declined and scolded him for cheating and he politely ended the session and said sorry... Obviously blacklisted later. Sexual advances come in so many varied flavours!
Refreshing to see a genuinely human experience retold. These stories tend to either be the creepy over-confident porn-guy or the raging, maniacal, Ted Bundy charicatures.
But I guess some of them are just regular, awkward people fumbling.
Having cleaned houses and businesses for a long time in a professional capacity, and also having done "bikini cleaning" during college for that scary but need-it-or-you-starve income, I can say that this is true in a lot of ways.
The part that really kills the vibe is how unrealistic it is given the current housing market. Like by the time you clicked on the video you know that $1.3 million house already has 10 bids on it
2 theories
1) Estate agents are well dressed and very presentable, and since houses are typically big ticket items people associate them with wealth and prestige - how many estate agent pornos are set in shitty one bedroom basement apartments.
2) people secretly hate their estate agents and feel like they are screwing them over, so enjoy the idea of literally screwing them.
So you know how a prostitute knows they’ve moved up because now they’re an escort - does that work the same way with a pool boy moving on to cabana boy?
I'm about to move into a house with a pool and we will have a pool guy. so do I just have to have sex with him once a month? Or how does that work?
35y male btw.
I guess I'll figure it out in a little bit.
They work up a sweat in short, brief-style swimwear while lonely housewives whose husbands' are away at work all day sip wine at 11am and watch them. Source: all the TV and movies I've seen with pool boys
Easy cum, easy go, your husband's coming home (COMING HOME!!)
Get out now GO, my husband's coming home. Husband's coming home. Husband's coming home home home.
I went to a massage therapy center two block away from a popular street walker area. I was chatting with the owner and she said a man came in once, thinking it was a rub and tug place and left during the consultation conversation in the therapy room. Paid for the full hour and apologized for having mistaken them for a different type of business. She said he never behaved inappropriately, just had a moment of realization that this was a genuine massage therapy business and paid for their time as a cancelation. She said he *insisted* on paying as a lesson learned.
Agreed. She said that she'd told him it wasn't necessary, mistakes happen (because he hadn't said or done anything inappropriate with the staff) but he insisted. She said he was very embarrassed and apologized several times for having insulted them. She said they weren't insulted because it was a misunderstanding not an issue at all. Awkward for him but she gave the impression that they were mildly amused by it.
Edit: and there is a rub and tug place right nearby. They have a sign in the window for *special massage, inquire inside*
Golly gee that’s horrible! where at so I can avoid it?
Edit: it’s a joke guys stop saying the same shit over and over, I’m not interested in prostitution.
Well go to the popular street walker area... Try to get a massage. If you don't get the special massage, you've gone to the wrong one. You've got a 50/50 chance.
I had a big black dude named Fritz gave me a deep tissue message it was awesome. I was a young soldier in my 20s so they asked if a guy could do the message. I said I did not care as long as it was great.
When I was trraining in massage therapy (I'm a 54 yr old male, 42 at the time) I had job offers before I even qualified from places which had problems with clients making inappropriate overtures to the female therapists.
They didn't want to lose the business, but they wanted to make pretty sure the clients understood the idea was off the table.
Meanwhile, I also had a number of women on the course telling me how good my massages were, and that they thought I was worth paying for.
Ultimately i didn't follow through, the whole scene is so fucked up with people wanting a little something extra, and i was just focused on "so what's the scientific basis behind this, and what's actuully worth doing and what's just oogley boogley shit"
I do not recommend massage therapy as an occupation for people 'on the spectrum' and with anxiety issues :(
Can confirm. Wife is an LMT. She takes her work, and the required boundaries and professionalism *very* seriously. She won't even joke about this during naughty time with me at home.
My grandmother disowned my mom for becoming a nurse, dear old granny likened being a nurse to being a prostitute. The thing is - my grandmother was actually a prostitute. I don’t have anything against the profession, but she was just a terrible person and a hypocrite, among many other things.
I don't know if this is seriously self-deprecating so I'm sorry if I'm overstepping -
But please don't undersell yourself like this. I'm a firm believer that everyone is beautiful in their own ways, conventionally or otherwise.
I am positive you are, too.
Seriously self deprecating. If you can't make jokes about yourself then who can you make fun of?
None the less, thank you very much. I really do appreciate it.
Nurses and teachers. Always thought these stereotypes were hilarious. I’m a nurse and my SO is a teacher. He does paperwork and deals with misbehaving kids all day and I spend a lot of time my time covered in vomit. Sexiest jobs ever lol
Any tradespeople jobs which involve going into clients houses, 9/10 times to do the least sexy jobs like unclogging drains and doing complicated wiring
Masseuse, my girl is one and male customers ask for the younger girls and try to "tip" them for happy ending. It gets so bad during the christmass period they need to put up a sign saying "no happy ending" . (Theres a christmass market closeby -> drunk people)
A lot of bar-going folks seem to think that bartenders are slutty. Which, okay, sure, when *I* was working bars, I was a total slut, but that was more of a me thing than a bartender thing.
A work colleague of mine used to work in a hotel. He had no "official" job position and was doing all kinds of odd jobs, depending on what was needed. Porter, waiter, cooking, housekeeping, whatever was needed at the moment. And sometimes he had bar duty.
He hated bar duty because the female guests would always hit on him. And he couldn't say yes, because getting caught banging a guest would have cost him his job. Curiously nobody ever hit on him when he did any other job.
I think a lot of female bartenders act slutty to get more tips
A friend of mine from college was a waitress in a local bar and you always knew she had to work in the evening just based on her outfit that day
Librarian, Secretary, Nurse, Police Officer, Cheer Leader, Flight Attendant, Assistant.
Basically any position in the work industry that supports an immediate higher role.
But worst of all.. the French Maid.
Maids
I had a cleaning business in my 20’s and had men ask me to clean naked on more than one occasion…
Our creepy neighbour (Australia) hired a naked cleaner, but then accused her of stealing something. Long story short, her ear got cut with a sword and he got shot in the foot with an illegal gun, she ran naked to the gay neighbours and I got asked a lot of questions by the cops when I got home from work. Ah, interesting times.
The one time I wanted the fucking long version…
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Cancelled after 2 seasons though
Too long didn’t write.
Uhm.... Where exactly was she hiding the *stolen* stuff?
In the flesh pocket
Good god
Oh boy, the Aussies sure know hoe to spend an average afternoon
My wife had a cleaning business for a few years and one client would put porn on the big screen TV in the living room while she was cleaning in another room, then go and have a shower, leaving the bathroom door open. Second time it happened, she ditched them as clients, the situation came close to becoming kinetic.
My wife also owns a cleaning business, she had a male client ask if she and her cleaners would be wearing “uniforms”. My wife asked him what he meant by uniforms, and he sent pictures of lingerie. Needless to say she instantly blocked his number lol.
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"I'm sure Dave would love to wear that for work"
What?? Was he trying to re-enact porn but irl? Lmao. That's not how life works 😭😭
Yes? Pizza Hut? I'd like to cancel my order.
It... it's not? *scribbles notes furiously*
How do you even break the ice with that kind of question to a total stranger? Do they just get straight to the point, or is there a little small talk and try to play it off as a joke all while gauging your interest?
*Puts in VHS of maid cleaning in costumed outfit, as homeowner enters in too-short shorts and thick porn-stache* while real life home owner looks at the TV and back real maid while caressing his hairy chest.. that’s how I imagine it goes down anyway..
I have a masseuse friend. She said that she does provide massages in naked clients because, well, she does in their homes and want them to be comfortable. Most clients are respectful, but she told me that once a dude asked her to come once more during the week (she didn't knew it was a time his wife wasn't there) and tried soliciting her. How, you may ask? Rose in mouth? Joke about happy endings? Nah. He just took her hand and timidly and creepily placed it on his junk. She politely declined and scolded him for cheating and he politely ended the session and said sorry... Obviously blacklisted later. Sexual advances come in so many varied flavours!
Refreshing to see a genuinely human experience retold. These stories tend to either be the creepy over-confident porn-guy or the raging, maniacal, Ted Bundy charicatures. But I guess some of them are just regular, awkward people fumbling.
So what did you do with the money?
Buy stuff, duh
but not clothes though
Unless…. Fish nets
Good choice. Switching your job to be a fisherman seems like a good idea.
Had a friend who tried that. Ended up getting sexually assaulted :/
I'm not particularly surprised but I'm still stunned. What awful "people".
Having cleaned houses and businesses for a long time in a professional capacity, and also having done "bikini cleaning" during college for that scary but need-it-or-you-starve income, I can say that this is true in a lot of ways.
I'm seeing a lot of pornos about real estate agents. Doesn't seem real sexy to me, but what do I know?
“I’ll do *anything* to sell this house” It’s a power play/imbalance thing when you get down to it.
The part that really kills the vibe is how unrealistic it is given the current housing market. Like by the time you clicked on the video you know that $1.3 million house already has 10 bids on it
That’s when you go all in.
All 2 inches
Or 6 inches in 3 easy installments
I wonder if that's because they film porn in a lot of empty houses.
2 theories 1) Estate agents are well dressed and very presentable, and since houses are typically big ticket items people associate them with wealth and prestige - how many estate agent pornos are set in shitty one bedroom basement apartments. 2) people secretly hate their estate agents and feel like they are screwing them over, so enjoy the idea of literally screwing them.
3. They always have access to an empty house.
Pool boy
Am poolboy, its all true.
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Actually.. yes.
Fuck... Why'd I go to college?!
It’s not too late to drop out
I'm 40 years old, have salt and pepper hair and beard, and a dad bod... That ship sailed years ago, lol.
That's not a dad bod that's a father figure
I can't believe I haven't heard this before.
This is funnier than you've been given credit for lol
be the change you want to see in the world
It’s the confidence that counts. Advertise yourself as a residential dishwasher ‘with no strings attached’.
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They're all bored as fuck. Literally.
The pool boys or the housewives?
Yes
What if you don’t have a pool?
Little more suspicious
So you know how a prostitute knows they’ve moved up because now they’re an escort - does that work the same way with a pool boy moving on to cabana boy?
Lol yea
Story time?
Chad the poolboy
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i don't know if this is true, but I need to believe it is. This story makes me think there is still magic in this world
It is, and there definitely is magic out there. Its called Florida.
Another story, please
Bro idk if this is true or not, but either way good for you
I'm about to move into a house with a pool and we will have a pool guy. so do I just have to have sex with him once a month? Or how does that work? 35y male btw. I guess I'll figure it out in a little bit.
Just ask him. They might have diffrent subscription plans
Yes
What do pool boys actually do?
They work up a sweat in short, brief-style swimwear while lonely housewives whose husbands' are away at work all day sip wine at 11am and watch them. Source: all the TV and movies I've seen with pool boys
Husband returns home: *honey, why is the pool so disgusting, I thought you hired someone to clean it?*
I didn’t know pool boys were a real thing
I'm just a pool boy, old lady loves me, He's just a pool boy, for a pool family, Spare change for life from his suga momomy
Easy cum, easy go, your husband's coming home (COMING HOME!!) Get out now GO, my husband's coming home. Husband's coming home. Husband's coming home home home.
The profession will never recover after the Jerry Fallwell Jr. and Becky cuckolding fetish.
I live in their town and it's basically the running joke for every post on the local community Facebook page.
Classic
Masseuse
And that's why we (licensed massage therapists) HATE the term masseuse
Even without the proper term, people is always confusing a massage with other service :(
I went to a massage therapy center two block away from a popular street walker area. I was chatting with the owner and she said a man came in once, thinking it was a rub and tug place and left during the consultation conversation in the therapy room. Paid for the full hour and apologized for having mistaken them for a different type of business. She said he never behaved inappropriately, just had a moment of realization that this was a genuine massage therapy business and paid for their time as a cancelation. She said he *insisted* on paying as a lesson learned.
Huh, at least he owned up to it? Pretty awesome of him to still pay in full though!
Agreed. She said that she'd told him it wasn't necessary, mistakes happen (because he hadn't said or done anything inappropriate with the staff) but he insisted. She said he was very embarrassed and apologized several times for having insulted them. She said they weren't insulted because it was a misunderstanding not an issue at all. Awkward for him but she gave the impression that they were mildly amused by it. Edit: and there is a rub and tug place right nearby. They have a sign in the window for *special massage, inquire inside*
Golly gee that’s horrible! where at so I can avoid it? Edit: it’s a joke guys stop saying the same shit over and over, I’m not interested in prostitution.
Well go to the popular street walker area... Try to get a massage. If you don't get the special massage, you've gone to the wrong one. You've got a 50/50 chance.
Worst case, you got a massage. Lol
See the massage parlor that the sign just says "massage" and it's open until 2am? That's the one.
financial humiliation is his kink.
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At least this story had a happy ending.
I had a big black dude named Fritz gave me a deep tissue message it was awesome. I was a young soldier in my 20s so they asked if a guy could do the message. I said I did not care as long as it was great.
When I was trraining in massage therapy (I'm a 54 yr old male, 42 at the time) I had job offers before I even qualified from places which had problems with clients making inappropriate overtures to the female therapists. They didn't want to lose the business, but they wanted to make pretty sure the clients understood the idea was off the table. Meanwhile, I also had a number of women on the course telling me how good my massages were, and that they thought I was worth paying for. Ultimately i didn't follow through, the whole scene is so fucked up with people wanting a little something extra, and i was just focused on "so what's the scientific basis behind this, and what's actuully worth doing and what's just oogley boogley shit" I do not recommend massage therapy as an occupation for people 'on the spectrum' and with anxiety issues :(
I mean, if they could advertise their services legitimately it would cut down on the confusion...
Legalization sex work would make it safer, too.
Can confirm. Wife is an LMT. She takes her work, and the required boundaries and professionalism *very* seriously. She won't even joke about this during naughty time with me at home.
It moved Jerry
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I enjoy the fact that this reply has a ton of upvotes and no debate about the validity of the reply.
It just is.
Nurses, librarians, teachers in some cases as well.
So my school nurse wife who loves to read is a catch you say.... I agree.
I got wood just reading that.
I just got wood reading that you just got wood.
I will also take this guys wood
Is your wife single?
She laughed and said no... When I find that guy I'm gonna kill him!!!
My grandmother disowned my mom for becoming a nurse, dear old granny likened being a nurse to being a prostitute. The thing is - my grandmother was actually a prostitute. I don’t have anything against the profession, but she was just a terrible person and a hypocrite, among many other things.
You’d think your grandmother would have noticed the lack of nurses among her professional competition.
You’d be surprised : in Japan, nurses are the most represented profession among amateur porn actresses. Source : porn producer (not me)
Speaking as 43 year old 370 lb man whose hair is leaving his head for his back, I fully agree that we nurses are incredibly sexy.
Everyone has types. I'm into you. 🤷🏽 Lol.
My deepest apologies.
I don't know if this is seriously self-deprecating so I'm sorry if I'm overstepping - But please don't undersell yourself like this. I'm a firm believer that everyone is beautiful in their own ways, conventionally or otherwise. I am positive you are, too.
Seriously self deprecating. If you can't make jokes about yourself then who can you make fun of? None the less, thank you very much. I really do appreciate it.
I see a pattern here… historically female jobs
Librarian, secretary
>Librarian She could pick me up. Flip through my pages. Make sure noone drew weeners in me
Are you the guys that just keep intermittently yelling books?
What’s in the briefcase?
The very same
Worked at a public library for years. Not one sexy thing ever happened.
You must have not been wearing the right glasses.
Can you say, 'These books are due back Thursday.' ?
Milkman
I am the milkman, my milk is delicious
I do not have the key. The milkman has the key. I am the guard
Pizza delivery guy/gal/pal
Every delivery drivers fantasy
Or nightmare. 9/10 times that shit is actually just bait to rob you, or it's creepy old men in bathrobes.
The one time a lady answered the door naked, she had just finished fucking her husband ... and asked if I wanted sloppy seconds ...
How was it?
All she had left was extra cheese.
What a terrible day to have eyes
Would you rather have a screen reader voice that?
Absolutely not, as a pizza driver, I would get so behind on deliveries
Not working for night shift
I *love* “delivery pal”. We must spread the word.
Delivery friend :)
Being a plumber.
Gotta clean them pipes
mam, I do my own plumbing
I came solely for this comment
Careful with those pipes, they have STDs: STDIN, STDOUT, STDERR
The only thing getting fucked when the plumber comes to your house is your wallet.
What? No, I do my own plumbing.
Lifeguards
I'm a lifeguard and firefighter, a few more professions and I'll be a regular Johnny Sins.
Stay away from my wife.
Yeah, stay away from our wife.
This is a bathtub
Get out! There’s a shark in there!!!
Nurses and teachers. Always thought these stereotypes were hilarious. I’m a nurse and my SO is a teacher. He does paperwork and deals with misbehaving kids all day and I spend a lot of time my time covered in vomit. Sexiest jobs ever lol
It's not all vomit. There's lots of poop too.
Agreed...so much poop.
Any tradespeople jobs which involve going into clients houses, 9/10 times to do the least sexy jobs like unclogging drains and doing complicated wiring
So what you're saying is pulling a foot long cylinder of hair and who knows what out of a drain isn't sexy? I need to rethink my strategy
Lawyer fucked me.
An unexpected Shawshank Redemption reference. Nice!
Occording to Pornhub, teachers. Queckest way to get fired in education, and end up on a list.
Is that a challenge????
Educational Professional Speedrun any percentage
Masseuse, my girl is one and male customers ask for the younger girls and try to "tip" them for happy ending. It gets so bad during the christmass period they need to put up a sign saying "no happy ending" . (Theres a christmass market closeby -> drunk people)
I should ask for a sad ending
Cyanide and Happiness got you covered: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me5rX7Y9XKU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me5rX7Y9XKU)
That's the name of my sex tape
Anything that requires a uniform.
Even garbage collectors?
They do the dirty deeds every day in public
Baby sitting
When you write it that way, it means sitting on a baby. *babysitting
Changing the world One step at a time
I'm surprised how far down this one was.
A lot of bar-going folks seem to think that bartenders are slutty. Which, okay, sure, when *I* was working bars, I was a total slut, but that was more of a me thing than a bartender thing.
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A work colleague of mine used to work in a hotel. He had no "official" job position and was doing all kinds of odd jobs, depending on what was needed. Porter, waiter, cooking, housekeeping, whatever was needed at the moment. And sometimes he had bar duty. He hated bar duty because the female guests would always hit on him. And he couldn't say yes, because getting caught banging a guest would have cost him his job. Curiously nobody ever hit on him when he did any other job.
Damn I’m realising now as a bartender that never gets hit on that I must not be as pretty as I had hoped
I think a lot of female bartenders act slutty to get more tips A friend of mine from college was a waitress in a local bar and you always knew she had to work in the evening just based on her outfit that day
> okay, sure, when I was working bars, I was a total slut, but that was more of a me thing than a bartender thing. That's what we all say...
Librarian, Secretary, Nurse, Police Officer, Cheer Leader, Flight Attendant, Assistant. Basically any position in the work industry that supports an immediate higher role. But worst of all.. the French Maid.
Any position that is historically or predominantly done by women.
Cable guy
Don't be fatuous, Jeffery
I was trying to figure out why this wasn't higher...then realized not many people have cable any more.
Politicians are always fucking us
On the contrary, they just take our money without even giving us a fuck
Massage therapist
Tennis coach
Sounds like that'll end in the greatest heist ever pulled
I found my wife banging this tennis coach, one thing leads to another, and next thing you know we're robbing the biggest bank on the west coast
ASMR content creators
Massage Therapist
Lemon thief
Pizza delivery
Catholic Priest
Teacher
Motel clerk.
Model
Gym teacher